


The Bet

by Sleepinghookah



Series: The Bet & Collected Stories [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-15 15:51:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 56
Words: 488,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5791522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleepinghookah/pseuds/Sleepinghookah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's just something about James Potter that always causes Lily to make the worst decisions. That's probably how she ends up throwing away a month of her seventh year on a bet with a boy she can hardly stand. A story of growing up, identity, and falling in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I own nothing.
> 
> I'm very excited to be beginning this story. The next three chapters are already written, so you can expect pretty fast updates for the month. Expect explicit content in later chapters, maybe much later depending on how stubborn these kids are.
> 
> Enjoy!

  **Retire Your Leather Jacket; This Year It's All About Sweater Vests**  

_Everyone loves a bad boy and nothing screams_ _bad_ _quite like a perfectly worn leather jacket. It allows the wearer to announce to the world that he is not a follower of convention - no he flouts wizarding society's standards and our dull school dress code. Further, you know our intrepid leather wearer has nothing but success with the ladies._  

_Yet we at the Hogwarts Daily Mail are entrapped by an enclosing sense of doom and gloom. What we yearn for is no longer the bad boy who is as likely to drag us into a broom closet for a snog as break our hearts into pieces, but rather the stability of a nice, strong man who would fight a dragon before seeing us shed a tear._  

_Enter: the sweater vest._  

_Now, hear us out dear reader. We know that your mind is drifting to your stuffy cousin at Yuletide, trussed up in a sweater vest and dress robes while he bores you with endless details about proposed goblin regulations. Yet, we can't help but feel that the sweater vest has been unfairly disparaged._  

_A muted sweater vest over a crisp, button down, partially hidden by sweeping black robes? You can't convince us that doesn't scream boyfriend material. He's the kind of guy you won't be afraid to take home to mother._  

_James Potter certainly knows the appeal of the sweater vest. Since the start of term, he's been spotted wearing at least three different vests - in maroon, navy, and aquamarine - and we can assure you he's been looking quite delish._  

_Trust us_ _ladues_ _. There's only one thing better than a bad boy. And that's a reformed bad boy. (See Front Page for more on James Potter's transformation from truant to prince charming.)_  

_Marlene McKinnon_  

  

Lily looked up slowly from the paper in front of her. She had to blink a few times as if the lights had just been turned on in a dark room. It certainly felt like she was only just now slipping back into reality. A reality in which fawning over Potter's outer wear was seen as perfectly normal. 

"What did I just read?" she demanded hoarsely. 

Marlene who had been waiting expectantly while Lily read, unmoving yet with a sense of great urgency about her, wilted in her chair. 

They - the Gryffindor 7th year girls - were seated around the dining hall for breakfast. Today's Daily Prophet lay abandoned in favor of the more titillating Hogwarts Daily Mail that had taken over the student population's imaginations since its inception in September of that year. Now, barely October, it seemed an institution. 

"You didn't like it?" she asked mournfully. 

Now, if Lily were a girl who never told a lie, she would be forced to admit that she had not liked the article. Not one bit. Fortunately, although Lily Evans -  Head Girl, loyal friend, and a straight-O student -  was the definition of a good girl, she was also a habitual liar. 

"Of course I liked it. It was really very clever. What with all the comparisons…It really painted a picture," Lily said quickly. 

She had become so good at lying that her voice was practically unchanged. 

"Oh good!" Marlene sighed. "I wasn't sure if you would think it was silly." 

Alice Williams snorted, "Bloody hell, Marlene. Of course, she didn't like it. Who would like that?" 

Once the biggest romantic of them all, Alice Williams had adopted a rather ferocious opinion on love, boys, and anything she deemed obnoxiously girly. This transformation had come about at the end of term last year when Rory McIntyre had abruptly dumped Alice Longbottom for Alice Sprout - a girl so feminine that it wouldn't be surprising if flowers fell in her wake as she walked through the halls. That her first name was Alice as well was only one of the many sins Alice Williams held her responsible for. 

"Quite a few people judging by reader response data," said Mary dryly. 

"Thank you, Mary," Marlene said. "That's quite right. My column has quite a few fans you know. Just because we have to wear these robes on top of everything doesn't mean that we can't keep up with the latest in fashion." 

"And any news on James Potter is always welcome," said Sheila Marks, buttering her toast. 

Lily shuddered. Actually full-body shuddered. That was how deeply her disgust ran for James Potter. The very name evoked a reaction. 

"Oh relax, Lily," Mary said, noticing Lily's embarrassing bodily response. "He's not that bad. Have you heard that he's gone from truant to prince charming?" 

"Now you're just poking fun," Marlene protested crossly. 

"Only a little," Mary said. 

As straight to the point as Mary frequently was, she was always willing to relax a little where Marlene was concerned. The best of friends since sharing a cauldron in first year Potions, the two girls appeared as complete opposites. Marlene was flighty, boy-crazed, and devastatingly shy, while Mary was analytical, self-composed, and unafraid of everything and everyone. 

When Elaine Prewett had sent Marlene an owl about starting a school paper, she had eagerly enlisted her best friend's help. It had been all Marlene could write about that summer to any of the girls, how excited she was to have a project. The paper was to put her on the map, a space where she could air all of the thoughts she would never say out loud. 

Marlene wrote a fashion column that really served as an ode to the students she most admired. James Potter's sartorial choices were frequently referenced. Orion Diggory, Celia Vance, and Sirius Black were also common features. 

In a seemingly personality-defying twist, Mary wrote the most successful column of the paper - a gossip column of all things. Mary herself was the anti-gossip. Before her turn as a reporter, she had never particularly cared about the dramas of her classmates. She was far more focused on the practical like her classes. 

Lily had asked her why she chose to start such a column. Surely, she could have chosen more investigative stories if she was really committed to trying her hand as a reporter. Mary had answered, as coolly and self-assuredly as ever, that she had every intention of being the most successful businesswoman the wizarding world, excuse me, witching world, had ever seen and that the first step in doing so was learning how to give the people what they want. And what they wanted was gossip. 

"What does this make Black? He's still wearing that leather jacket about when he's outside," Sheila said. 

Of all the girls besides Mary, Shelia was the most interested in the froth that came from the Hogwarts Daily Mail. An excellent Quidditch player, Sheila loved anything that could remotely be viewed as a sport. She had taken to following the gossip dailies, picking her favorite students, evaluating who was winning what petty fight, and rooting for her chosen few to nab the boys of their dreams. 

"Black is fine," Marlene was quick to assure everyone. "Some people are fashion setters, and they don’t have to follow the crowd. My advice is more for the unfortunate masses that need a little…direction. Besides, he looks so good in that jacket, doesn't he?" 

"Do you know you have a typo in the last paragraph? Or did you mean to address the 'ladues' of Hogwarts?" Alice asked. 

Marlene snatched up the paper from Lily, eyes darting through the column. Upon finding the misspelled word, she let out a little wail, head dropping next to her oatmeal. 

"It's not that bad," Lily said consolingly, petting her arm. 

"Elaine really does let a lot of errors through. It's a good thing I check my copy a few times over before sending it in," Mary said. 

"She's a Ravenclaw for Merlin's sake! She shouldn’t be missing things like this! What's the point of her being editor if she can't catch anything?" Marlene demanded. "She should be fired!" 

"Wasn't the paper her idea to start with?" Lily asked, already knowing the answer. 

"Oh, so she has one good idea and now it belongs to her forever?" Marlene griped. 

"Yep, that's how that works," Alice said blithely. 

Lily tuned out as Marlene continued to grumble about the falling standards of Ravenclaw house. 

"Lily, are you even listening to me?" Marlene asked. 

"Yes." Another lie. "I agree. You do deserve a better editor." 

Lily shoveled a rather ambitious spoonful of eggs and bacon into her mouth. She was supposed to meet with the Headmaster in a quarter of an hour. She wasn't entirely sure what it was all about, but it seemed related to her capacity as Head Girl. 

It was Lily's great misfortune that James Potter happened to walk past the table right as a bit of egg dribbled out of her mouth, unable to fit as she was stuffed to the brim. There was no hope that he had missed it of course because, whenever he could, James Potter was looking at Lily Evans. 

"Eating for two there, Evans?" he asked.  

He said it so cheerfully that there could be no mistaking his words for actual malice. It was all in good fun. 

This had no effect on Lily's response. 

"I'd say bugger off, but you seem to already be leaving. Thank goodness," Lily shot back. 

"Shouldn't you be leaving too? Or do you have someone more important to meet with than the Headmaster?" James asked. 

"I have plenty of time. I'll be there," Lily said. 

"Well that's funny, because last I checked, I'm running five minutes late," James replied. 

James's words echoed through Lily's mind as the insinuation made itself clear. 

"Merlin!" she shouted, leaping out of her seat. "I'll see all of you later!" 

With that rushed call to her housemates, Lily was off. She dashed out of the Great Hall at almost warp speed. Lily had never been a fan of tardiness and she shrank at the idea of disappointing the headmaster. But more than anything, her urgency was caused by the upcoming scene she could envision so clearly. 

Lily did not think she would be able to stand it if she strolled in ten minutes late with James Potter beside her. It would look like he was rubbing off on her. That she was no longer taking her responsibilities seriously and was content to glide through life with no consideration for the needs of others. No she couldn't stand it. 

That James Potter had been named Head Boy was a point of great consternation for Lily. She could think of several better qualified students. Well, frankly, she could think of first years who were more capable. She had nearly collapsed when he had entered the prefects' compartment, the heads' pin shiny and bright on his much-discussed sweater vest. 

James Potter was the enemy. While her friendship with Severus had dissolved under the near-constant battering it had sustained, she did not need other reasons to loathe Potter. He was the _worst_ \- a bully, a cockswain, a boy who had never even been introduced to a hairbrush! 

His rather persistent crush on Lily had not helped matters. He asked her out constantly, publicly, seeming to delight in her humiliation and the way it made Severus burn with ill-concealed fury. It still made her cringe in embarrassment to picture him and the other Marauders dressed as a Mariachi band as they sang her love songs. They had followed her the whole day! 

As a result of his outlandish proposals, the student body had come to connect Lily and James in their collective mind. It had taken many loud proclamations of dislike to temper even a little bit of the public opinion that they should be married immediately. To have anyone, even Dumbledore, connect them again would drive her mad. 

Lily's sprint through the castle was so fast that when she turned to glance around her upon reaching the gargoyle that guarded the Headmaster's office, Potter was nowhere to be found. Now that she had evaded her worst fears, she was able to chuckle quietly at the spectacle she had just made of herself. She figured it wasn't worth being embarrassed over. After all, enormous displays were part of what made a person a Gryffindor, and she had never once questioned her sorting. 

Whispering the password - fizzing whizbees - Lily walked into a scene for which she had not been prepared. 

Professor Dumbledore was seated behind his desk (nothing unusual there) with a cloak covering his upper body. The shaving cream covering his face and the house elf who was balancing on a stack of books wielding a straight razor was a little less conventional. 

"Professor?" Lily asked. 

"Miss Evans," Dumbledore said, opening his eyes to look at her. "You're early." 

"No I'm not. I'm late." 

"I distinctly remember the meeting to start in ten minutes or so, but no matter," Dumbledore said, waving his hand to dismiss the matter. 

"Potter," the word was whispered, quiet and dark. 

"You'll have to excuse me as I wasn't expecting you so soon, I'm not quite finished with my shave," Dumbledore said. 

Lily noticed that long tufts of white hair had fallen to the floor, surrounding the professor on all sides. From the looks of the carnage, it was almost completely removed. 

"Your beard!" Lily said. 

"Yes, I'm afraid my beard, which has served me so well, for so long, is no more," Dumbledore said. "Limpy here was so kind as to agree to help me in the removal process." 

Limpy beamed at his words. 

"But why?" Lily asked. 

"Don't you ever just feel the need for a change, Miss Evans? I'm sure I've read somewhere that muggle psychology delves into our desire to transform our physical appearance to match that which we feel inside," Dumbledore said. 

"Well yes sir, but what's changed?" Lily said, still somewhat taken aback. 

"Everything and nothing, my dear." 

Faced with that kind of evasion, Lily figured the man would prefer not to discuss it. 

Limpy wiped down the shaving clean thoroughly, while Lily watched uncomfortably. The face that was revealed was almost unrecognizable. She had never reflected upon how much Dumbledore's beard defined him. It was the first thing one noticed about him (other than the fact that he was really rather old). Students even used it as an exclamation of surprise and disgust. "Dumbledore's beard!" had experienced a short wave of popularity, during which time you could hardly walk through the halls without hearing it pass through the lips of some disgruntled second-year. 

Without it, Dumbledore was well…just an old man. His face was wrinkled and small. The nose was the same as ever yet now seemed larger, becoming the prominent feature on his face. The only surprise was how shiny his face looked. Lily should probably ask him about his nightly skin routine because, in spite of the wrinkles, his face practically glowed. 

Limpy passed Dumbledore a hand-mirror, which he used to inspect his face thoroughly. 

"That is more like it," he pronounced. 

"Yes, you look quite…different," Lily agreed. 

James Potter entered the room at this point and stopped in absolute shock at the top of the stairs. His eyes danced back and forth between Dumbledore, the elf, and Lily. 

"Sir, if I may say, you have never looked more marvelous," James said joyfully. 

There was not a trace of irony in his voice. Lily wished she had pulled off that level of sincerity with her congratulations. Dumbledore certainly seemed to appreciate James' approval, smiling brightly - his mouth stretched more noticeably wide now that the mustache was removed. 

"I thought you were right behind me," Lily said accusingly to James. 

James looked at her with his brow wrinkled over in mock-confusion. "Why would you think that, Evans? You rushed out of the Great Hall at least 15 minutes before we were supposed to arrive here. I figured I'd have another piece of toast and then meet you here." 

If Dumbledore hadn't been watching, Lily might have tackled him. 

Instead she settled for a forced, "Silly me." And turned her attention back to Dumbledore. Her mind was filled with all of the ways she might murder Potter with Dumbeldore’s knick knacks. He’d set her up to arrive early, for what? Lily thought it might have been just to enjoy watching her run anxiously out of the Great Hall or maybe he liked to make her angry. 

He watched their interaction as if nothing was amiss. Lily had never understood how the headmaster missed the clearly brewing animosity between James and Lily. Whether it was an act or he was really that oblivious was unclear. 

"Please, take a seat and I'll tell you why I summoned you here this morning," Dumbledore said. 

After they were seated, Dumbledore turned to them with far more somber eyes than they had been moments before. It was a signal that their talk was to be greater than normal head business. 

"As you both know, times are very dangerous and there is a great deal of fear spreading throughout the castle. I know that you must be very busy with your various responsibilities and upcoming NEWTS, but I would ask you to take on another challenge. I would like you to brainstorm ideas for events or activities that could raise student morale. The sooner levity and joy return to Hogwarts, the sooner students will begin to feel safe again," Dumbledore explained. 

The castle had been far more morose than was usual. The campaign of the so-called Lord Voldemort and his death eaters had slowly evolved into something of a national obsession, where their atrocities were always featured on the front page of the Daily Prophet. Maybe that's why the Hogwarts Daily Mail had become such a success. Students were desperate to escape the never-ending media frenzy of carnage and doom. 

Lily wasn't sure there was any activity, however, that she could put together that would distract students from the realities outside. The barrage upon muggleborns was near constant, and pure bloods waited each morning for news of who had died from their own ranks. 

The students, isolated as they were inside Hogwarts, were sheltered from the worst of it. Everyone knew that Lord Voldemort feared to face off against Albus Dumbledore directly. Yet there was still the fear, especially for the 7th years, of what awaited them just outside. 

"Quidditch!" Potter offered. "Everyone loves Quidditch. So let's increase our number of games or maybe let students not on teams play a few extra matches." 

"The suggestions are supposed to be for the entire student body, Potter. Not just what would make you happiest," Lily said. 

James made a face at her. "This isn't for me. In fact, it would probably be a pain for me to organize, but people really do like Quidditch, and it's hard to be scared when you're soaring at top-speeds on a broomstick with bludgers flying at you." 

Actually, that sounded positively terrifying in Lily’s opinion. 

"We'll keep it as a suggestion," Lily conceded to avoid an argument in front of Dumbledore. "In fact, let's set a time later, and we'll meet up and go over ideas." 

James shrugged his agreement. 

"Whatever you decide, just be sure to get approval from me or Professor McGonagall before moving forward. Don't be afraid to ask for help from any of the staff as you coordinate the event or events as well," Dumbledore said. 

Lily and James murmured their assent. 

"Now, Miss Evans, I understand that you had some reservations about Mr. Potter's appointment as head boy," Dumbledore said solemnly. 

Lily gaped. Beside her, James was frowning. 

"I believe Mr. Potter has all of the capabilities necessary for the position and all of the potential as a man to thrive beyond that. If, however, you find that you are carrying this burden alone, you may tell me," Dumbledore continued. "Has Mr. Potter been helpful thus far?" 

During her time at Hogwarts, Lily had not directly interacted with Dumbledore often. He was the kind of larger-than-life figure that made everyone feel as if they knew so much about him, but an objective analysis would reveal that he was really an enigma. Still, Lily thought it was out of character to ask her to nark on Potter. He seemed like the type to tolerate endless shenanigans and only become involved if the infraction was serious. 

Now, Lily bore James Potter no good will. Judge all you like, but she could hold a grudge, and she didn't feel the slightest bit ashamed of her loathing. She did, however, hesitate at the prospect of blatantly selling James out to Dumbledore while he sat not three feet away from her. Had he been helpful in their head duties thus far? Of course not. He had hardly bothered to show up to their prefect meetings. That Lily had delegated all of the work to herself and not even considered collaborating with him was irrelevant. He had been decidedly unhelpful. 

What she told Dumbledore, however, was, "Professor, I've had no problems, and I'm sure we won't." 

Lie. 

"Marvelous," Dumbledore said, his typical joviality returning. "That would be all then." 

Dismissed, Lily and James left the headmaster's office. There was an embarrassing shuffle where they both tried to exit at the same time and then both insisted the other go instead and repeat. The type of scene you'd see in a muggle flick where the two are destined for love. HA! 

It just annoyed Lily who figured it was typical of James to make even leaving a room an ordeal. To his credit, he looked pretty red-faced himself. 

She intended to walk away without a word, but was stopped by his hesitant call of her name. 

"Thanks," James muttered. 

"For what?" Lily gawked. 

It wasn't so much that he was being nice. Peppered throughout years of torment, ridicule, and teasing there had been plenty of moments where James Potter had acted tolerably towards her. Sometimes he was civil. Sometimes he tried to be charming - a ruse she never truly fell for. Sometimes he was just indifferent. 

Never before, however, had he been sheepish. It just did not fit on the face Lily had become so familiar with over six years. His face that was so frequently twisted by an arrogant leer. Yet there he stood, rubbing a hand along his neck, eyes cast to the floor. He even looked like he might be blushing. 

"You could have told Dumbledore the truth. That I'm a shit head boy and that he made a terrible mistake believing in me. I wouldn't have blamed you if you had…at least not much," James said, eyes still glued to the stone floor. 

Lily honestly didn't see why this was a big deal. She was a liar who desperately feared that everyone would someday learn the truth about her and what a fraud she truly was. It wouldn’t do to let Dumbledore know she was failing as head girl - couldn't even keep the head boy in line let alone the rest of the students. No, the lie was for herself. 

"It's fine. I've never wanted your help with head business. Honestly, you'd just be in the way. In fact, not being a bother might be the nicest thing you've done for me in years," Lily said. 

Her statement was the strangest mix of comfort, dismissal, and sneering condescension. Potter seemed to only notice the condescension. 

"Oh come off it, Evans." His head had shot up so that he could sneer at her. "You make such a bloody big deal about being head girl. The title means _nothing_." 

Lily blinked dumbly as he strode past. What did he mean the title was meaningless? It had better not be, since it was all she really had at the moment. Being head girl was the only thing she had been looking forward to in her final year at Hogwarts. 

Never had a Hogwarts student had such a mixed relationship with magic. Lily was a brilliant witch. She was a gifted student surely, only having to truly study in her weakest subjects - Transfiguration, Arithmancy. But more than anything, it was her natural affinity for bending magic to her purposes that made her something special. Before she had even known magic existed, she had keyed in to her power and started to manipulate it. 

There were the normal displays of accidental magic that every young witch is expected to perform. There were also the covert experiments with Severus, where they flouted the statute of underage magic, assured that they could rely on the excuse that it was accidental if they were ever caught. Through these experiments, Lily had fostered an understanding of magic that few children born into wizarding families could boast. She was quite good at creating her own spells, able to intuitively sense what the magic required of her. It was why she suffered so much in Transfiguration where the class demanded careful examination of the principles of the object to be transfigured. She worked in loftier concepts and the manipulation of magic directly. 

Yes, Lily was a talent. Yet she also loathed the day she became aware of her magic. In many ways, Lily had been robbed of everything by the wizarding world. She spent the year separated from the family that she adored because it wouldn't be safe for them unless she "learned to control her powers." She had lost the affection of the sister she would have killed for, their bond being drained by the separation and resentment magic had bred. She had lost any chance of following her dream of becoming Prime Minister as she would hardly have the qualifications to enter a good muggle university. She had lost her safety and dignity at her introduction to blood supremacy. And she had ultimately lost Severus. 

Faced with so much loss, Lily had become rather obsessed with control. The change had crept up on her rather slowly, but it was hard to ignore the reality that she was a full-on control freak at this point in her life. Head Girl was a symbol of everything she had striven for and she did not take kindly to anyone denouncing it. 

"Face it, Evans. There are a dozen students who could do your job just as well as you. It doesn't take a genius to send a few first years off to bed. But there's only one James Potter," he said. 

"I'll face nothing of the sort," Lily growled.  

She, of course, would have defended that the rumbling noise at the back of her throat that made her statement sound so threatening was hardly a growl at all. She was coming done with a cold. 

"First," Lily began. 

"I love it when you list things," Potter said. 

"First," Lily stated more firmly this time. "I beat out those dozens of students fair and square for this position. I'm _good_ at being head girl. It's not as easy as you think, striking the right balance between formidable and approachable. It took a lot of practice as a prefect to get to where I am now." 

"I don't know if anyone would call you formidable," James teased. 

"Second, I think it's a little arrogant to assume no one else could fill your shoes. What do you even do in this school? Walk around, talking loudly about how great you are? Anyone could do that? In fact, I believe Sirius already manages exactly that," Lily continued on, ignoring his interruption. 

"I do a great many things," James defended. "I keep the student morale up. People would collapse to the mid-year doldrums if it weren't for me. I keep things exciting." 

"You're a distraction. How impressive." 

"I'm an institution. And you didn't beat everyone out for the head position by the way. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm Head Boy. So, you didn't exactly beat me, did you?" James said. 

"I actually hadn't noticed," Lily countered coolly. "What with how I've been managing the schedules and all of the work by myself since the start of term. The heads aren't meant to be just figureheads, Potter." 

It was perhaps a bit unfair to hold this above Potter's head. Lily after all had insisted that she did not require his help with anything from the planning of student events to the conduction of the prefects' meetings. Being head of house had meant too much to her to risk having him ruin it. And he would. She knew it as surely as she knew that McGonagall would be out of place at a rock and roll concert. James Potter did not have what it took to be a competent head of house. 

"This is starting to sound like a challenge, Evans," James said quietly. 

His voice had taken on a more threatening note. The quiet unnerved her more than yelling ever could. 

If Lily were as smart and sensible as she had always claimed to be, she would have listened to her humming nerves and backed down. Rolled her eyes and walked away as she had so many times in the past when she had decided that James Potter was wasting her time. But a line had been crossed within Lily too. 

The realization that he really thought her so ordinary, nothing special about her, had slammed into her like a tidal wave. It hurt to have everything she worked for devalued. Treated as nothing. She knew that good grades and rule-following weren't the only things that mattered in life. Honestly, she did. But they were her things. And they mattered to her. Deeply and dearly. 

And by Agrippa she would show him. 

"If it sounds like a challenge, it's because it is one. You couldn't be me. You couldn't come close," Lily said. 

James reeled back a little bit, pivoting so that he faced the wall. His hands rubbed together briskly. Lily was a bit taken aback. It was strange even by Potter's standards just to spin about in the middle of a conversation. 

It was only a few short seconds later that he spun back around just as abruptly. But now there was a fire in his eyes. Something burning to match Lily's own conviction. 

Pointing his finger at her, he announced, "A bet then. You try out being me for a month, and I'll do the same." 

"You'll try to be yourself?" Lily asked stupidly. 

"Don't be cute, Evans. You do your best James Potter, and I'll show you just how prissy I can be when I have to," James said. 

Lily mused that she had never heard someone announce that they could be prissy quite so proudly. 

She could still walk away. Call him a fool and march off. It was too important a year what with NEWTs to be jagging off on some foolish bet with James Potter. No one would blame her for refusing. Yes, James' friends would have something to say surely once behind closed doors. She could actually picture Black laughing at her for being such a square and how Remus would kindly say that Potter couldn't expect anything different from Lily, she was too sensible for that kind of nonsense. But Lily didn't like the clarity of this imagining. How sure everyone would be that she would never go for something like this. That she would never do anything unexpected. Well, they just didn't know her well enough. 

"We'll need rules," Lily said. 

The emotions that ran across James's face were too quick to catch. Though she thought she saw surprise and maybe a little pride on his face before it morphed back into that cocky smirk she knew so well. 

"First step to being me, Lilykins: no rules," James said. 

"All the same. How will we know who's won if we don't set some ground rules," Lily said reasonably. 

"How indeed?" James repeated. Lily noticed that he was rubbing his hands together feverishly again. "As Lily Evans, I will attend all of my classes and be the absolute apple of my teachers' eyes. My homework will be turned in on time." 

"And you'll do it yourself," Lily challenged. "No bribing some 6th year Hufflepuff with moon eyes for you. You'll have to complete your own work." 

James nodded. "That's only fair. As much as I loathe creating rules, let's just agree to keep it all above board, yeah. No trying to game the system or sneak around our obligations. I'll do things the way you would and vice versa." 

"I can agree to that, but there's more to me than just being a good student. You'll need to follow through on your responsibilities as a Head. And as I'll be busy being you, you'll be completely on your own," Lily warned. 

"I won't even break a sweat," James said all arrogant swagger. 

Lily frowned and her forehead tightened infinitesimally at her thoughts. "We still need a way to measure your success." 

"It won't be hard to tell if I'm keeping up my end when it comes to grades. But as Head Boy…why don't we poll the prefects at the end of the month? Let them decide who they preferred as acting Head?" 

This seemed like a very bad idea to Lily. She was well-liked. Never had she had to ward off bullies in the school halls or suffer mean taunts from her housemates at the breakfast table. How much she owed this to Potter's influence as he used to have an annoyingly public crush on her was indeterminable. But all the same, she always received the impression that people enjoyed her company and thought her an okay girl. 

James Potter, however, was another matter. Even the prim and proper prefects were completely taken in by him. He was a legend at the school. Had there ever been a student who commanded attention everywhere he went quite like Potter? He had the money, the Potter surname, a brain when he bothered, and a sense of humor that seemed to dazzle the student populace. 

If it came down to a popularity contest, Lily wasn't sure she would come out victorious. 

Shaking her head, Lily argued, "That's no good. You'll just let the prefects slack off so that they'll vote for you.” 

He didn’t need to know Lily’s real reservations. 

"Lily would never do such a thing. And therefore, neither would I," James said affronted. "But to be fair, why don't we poll the professors as well? Let them evaluate how efficiently the work has been done in the last month." 

"I don't see any problem with that, except for one rather glaring issue. We can't tell them about our bet. I actually value what they think of me," Lily said. 

Nodding, James amended, "Well how about we ask them to evaluate the quality of the work, but don't tell them why. We can say that you want a monthly evaluation just to benchmark against yourself. It's the kind of nonsense they'd believe of you." 

Lily wasn't sure she'd call it nonsense, but he had a point. The professors wouldn't find it hard to believe that Lily wanted to improve upon her current work. And most of them would be happy to help. She imagined a few professors who would resent the extra work, but for the most part, it was a workable solution. 

"Fine." 

"Now we arrive at the little question of how exactly you can _attempt_ ," and he stressed the word, "to be me." 

"I'll need to be the cause of general chaos and mayhem. Disrupt students hard at work for my selfish pleasure and torment the professors," Lily said snarkily. 

"Well, you're on the right path. Let's say you need to pull off 10 pranks a week. And they can't all be little larks pulled on your mates in your dormitory. They need to be public and attention-grabbing," James said. 

"More like attention-seeking," Lily muttered uncharitably. 

James ignored her. "And you can't get caught." 

At this Lily couldn't help but protest. "You get caught all the time! How long has it been since you made it a month without a detention?" 

"I don't think you realize just how often I get away with it, Evans. My apprehension to success ratio is really quite impressive. But you're right to a degree. You can get caught once a week. Really give the professors a shake up when they're golden girl starts living in detention," he laughed. 

"Alright." 

James seemed surprised at how quickly she had conceded. It was a little out of character for Lily not to take the opportunity to drive home just how frequently he was to be found in detention. Take a little from his pride. But there were more pressing matters, and as Lily would soon enough discover what it felt like to be on the other side of the rules, she had decided not to press the issue. 

"And we'll need a way to measure your pranking success as well," James said. 

"Not a vote," Lily warned. 

"Not quite," James agreed. "No, the judges of your pranking efforts should be experts in their fields. A panel of experts who have completed their practicums and graduated with honors from the University of Mischief." 

"Am I supposed to have any idea what you're talking about when you go on like that?" 

James rolled his eyes, "The Mauraders. I'm talking about the other Mauraders." 

"I know you surround yourself with idiots who will be impressed that you know how to count to twenty, Potter, but I'm not that thick. If I didn't want the prefects judging us, why on earth would you think I'd go for your best friends?" Lily snorted. 

"There is probably nothing my friends would love more than to take the piss and have you beat me. They live for that shit," James said. "You'll have the advantage not me. Besides, who else in this school do you think can accurately judge a prank? Everyone else will be awed by a little flash, but the blokes will be able to tell how much creativity, how much effort went into whatever you do. They're the obvious choice, Evans. Quit being stubborn!" 

Lily thought it was extremely rich that he was calling her the stubborn one. It was not lost on her that he was the one making most of the demands and brow-beating her with his silly little thing called logic until she agreed. Some people were far too accustomed to getting their own way. 

That he had a point was something she would never admit under pain of the cruciatius curse. The git. 

"Whatever, I'm not going to waste my time arguing with you." Lily was aware of the irony of that statement. "I'll make a fool of myself and your friends can be the judges. Are you satisfied?" 

"There's more to me than just getting into trouble. You're not the only one who's layered," James said. "I'm sure you've noticed by now that I'm a bit of an institution at this school. People look to me to set the mood and make things interesting. I'm more symbol than boy at this point." 

"How do you walk around with that head on your shoulders?" Lily asked in disgust. 

"Come off it, Evans. You know it's true. People watch my every move here, and I'm the one who takes responsibility for improving school spirits when things get dull. If you want to prove you can outdo me, then you'll have to unify the students a bit," James said. 

"Most of that comes from you flying about on your broomstick. You're ninety percent Quidditch victories." 

"I won't lie. The Quidditch victories don't hurt," James conceded. "But I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm rather popular with the Ravenclaws and Puffs too. And that's hardly something you can ignore. No. You need to find a way to make the students adore you." 

"I can think of any number of students who don't find you nearly as charming as you think you are, Potter," Lily pointed out not exactly unkindly. 

"Slytherins like your old, greasy mate don't count, Evans," Potter said dismissively. 

Lily tamped down the momentary pang in her gut that urged her to defend Severus. Her old friend was like a phantom limb; she felt his presence even though he was long gone. 

"Unify the students and make them love me. A few good pranks and I'll be halfway there," Lily said confidently. 

And she was confident. As much as Potter had always considered her a square, the rest of the student body liked her. She was…pretty. And she didn't mean that in simply the physical sense.  

Severus had filmed her one summer, experimenting with a muggle camcorder she'd bought him. At first he'd appeared somewhat alarmed by the gift, but it wasn't in Sev's nature to reject anything Lily gave him, so soon he was a budding documentarian. 

The quality was terrible. All of the images were grainy and dark. But still, she had been able to study herself, a budding woman at fourteen, for the first time. There was a loveliness to her that she hadn't been expecting. The way she moved was gentle. The way she spoke had a clarity and charm. Even sobbing her eyes out, she didn't look nearly as gross as she'd expected from watching her dormmates breakdowns. 

She was nice to her classmates as well - always willing to help someone struggling in class, supportive of girls going through bad breakups, happy to share the chocolates she received from home. 

James was never on the receiving end of this kindness, however, so it made sense that he wouldn't realize that the student body already loved Lily. He saw the prig. The harpy. She would show him and everyone else that there was no task too daunting for Lily Evans. 

"How about we poll the students on how they'd rate their happiness on a scale of one to ten? We'll poll them now and then again at the end of the month. If their mood's gone up, we'll call that a success on my part," Lily suggested, glad to have finally set one of their methods herself. 

"You're in way over your head," James said grinning. 

Lily chose to focus on the explicit challenge rather than how affectionate he sounded or how fondly he was gazing at her. It was hardly new information that James had a sweet spot where she was concerned. If you asked Lily, which no one ever did, she'd say it was his vanity. He couldn't stand that there was one person - a Gryffindor no less - who didn't believe the sun shone out of his arse. This opinion was always met with eye rolls and scoffs from her dorm mates. Traitors every one of them. 

"Bring it on, Potter," Lily said. 

"What a grand start to the new school year!" James crowed. "We're going to make history!" 

"You're going to make a fool of yourself! But yes, I suppose this is going to go down in the books, isn't it?" Lily said. 

And that Head Boy and Girl wore matching expressions of delighted anticipation was noted by no one. 

 

Score 

Lily: 0 – James: 0 

   
Number of times Lily assumed the worst of James Potter: 4   
Number of times Lily lied: 4   
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 0 


	2. Oct 3: Of Weakness, Shrouded & Unveiled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's just something about James Potter that always causes Lily to make the worst decisions. That's probably how she ends up throwing away a month of her seventh year on a bet with a boy she can hardly stand. A story of growing up, identity, and falling in love.

Lily paced outside the Defense classroom, putting off when she'd have to enter. She knew it was stupid. Everyone was probably sitting inside just waiting for her to enter so that class could begin. There was no putting this off.

 

The reality of what she had done though was starting to sink in, and Lily wasn't sure she could stand to look at Potter just that moment. Oh God! He would be in there, smug as a bug, happy to lord their new arrangement over her. Even if he didn't say anything, just a knowing look would probably be enough to break her considering her current level of panic.

 

Their argument outside Dumbledore's office had been completely irresponsible on several levels. She had to work with him! Whether it was fair or not, Dumbledore had seen fit to make that prat head boy, and she would be judged based on his performance not just her own. Antagonizing him was hardly going to win her points or convince him to behave.

 

Worse, she'd committed herself to the world's stupidest bet. She was going to throw everything she'd worked for away, for what? To embarrass James Potter. To show him that the life Lily had carefully cultivated wasn't something you could just waltz into…Actually, she supposed it was going to be a very satisfying when he had that realization. Until then though, her life was going to be miserable, and she couldn't blame anyone but herself.

 

Frustrated, Lily kicked her foot against the corridor wall. It smarted something terrible and she bounced up and down clutching it. She glanced wildly about to make sure no one had witnessed her little strop, but the corridor was still empty.

 

It was going to be alright. She could survive seeing Potter for a class. In fact, she wouldn't even have to see him! He sat behind her. The Mauraders always took the seats in the back so that they could goof off unless the smarter professors assigned them separate seats. That had been McGonagall’s tactic up until fifth year when she realized that all that really accomplished was making them spread out their reign of terror throughout the classroom, harassing whatever poor sop was forced to sit beside them. Lily had been forced to sit next to Sirius Black in fourth year…It had not gone well.

 

Game face on, Lily repeated to herself like a mantra, feeling that steely wall of calm that she worked so hard to nurture surround her.

 

She walked into the classroom with less than a minute to spare before the lesson was due to start. Everyone didn't stare at her, so she figured that Potter had yet to announce their arrangement to the class.

 

Lily took her seat beside Sheila who was blowing enormous bubbles with her gum and then smacking it loudly after each pop. Like that's not going to become annoying fast, Lily thought darkly.

 

It was nice to sit next to Sheila though. Lily was usually more likely to be paired up with Alice as Sheila always had a gaggle of boys she was juggling who would vie to sit beside her. In Trasnfiguration this year, however, Alice was sitting with Lupin and it would have taken a chainsaw to separate Marlene and Mary. Really, it was a miracle they hadn't failed out of Hogwarts with how great a distraction they were to each other. So that meant Lily had pleaded with Sheila until the girl broke, dismissing Ivan Welch to the other side of the classroom.

 

"What did Dumbledore want?" Sheila asked.

 

"I'll tell you about it later," Lily said, knowing that was a longer conversation than they had time for.

 

Sheila shrugged and kept snapping at her gum.

 

"Good morning class," Professor Ames greeted, gathering everyone's attention to the front of the room.

 

The DADA professor was rather pretty as far as Hogwarts standards went, with warm honey hair and a soft face that was belied by her rather sharp eyes. Everyone liked her well enough, but as far as Defense professors went, she was rather unremarkable. They had become accustomed to a little more madness from those who were foolish enough to fill the Defense position. Usually those professors died. Or went insane. Or sometimes they just got married and ran off to Tahiti, but that was far less exciting to talk about.

 

"If everyone could please take out their essays on casting from behind shield charms, we can begin class."

 

Lily dutifully pulled her essay out of bag. It was rather good in her opinion. She had spent nearly six hours reading not only the theory but practical testimonies from experienced duelists on the best technique for such casting. As far as assignments went, this had been rather interesting and Lily thought there was a very real need for students to know how to defend themselves what with the world as crazy as it was.

 

"Now, I would like everyone to rip their essay in half. Go ahead rip it!" Professor Ames ordered with far more animation than she had shown these first few weeks of term.

 

A little perturbed, Lily ripped her essay. Were they practicing charms to mend tears? That didn't really seem to fall under the auspices of the class and it was decidedly below NEWT level.

 

"These past few weeks, I have been studying all of you to get a sense of where your abilities lie. Every wizard has a different connection to their magic and, based on their cognitive abilities, a different potential. What is success for one would be a dismal failure for another. So tell me how then, can I grade you all the same way?" Professor Ames asked.

 

She looked around the classroom as if anyone was actually going to have a response ready to this.

 

"No. The traditional method will not do for all of you. Moving forward, there will be no more homework, no more essays. You know better than I what kind of additional practice you require, and I expect that all of you will be diligent in bettering yourselves. I will be grading you all on your potential! If you meet my expectations, you will receive an O, regardless of where your abilities lie compared to your classmates or the ministry's standards. If you fail to meet my standards, you will receive a T. There will be no other grades possible," She continued. "So throw away your essays and let's get straight to work!"

 

Professor Ames' speech fostered a variety of reactions from the completely unprepared class. Mary was clearly appalled, eyeing her torn essay with longing. Marlene ripped her essay into smaller pieces and tossed them into the air in celebration, her chortles of glee drifting through the classroom. There was a lot of noise coming from where the Maruaders were seated. They were unsurprisingly quite content with the announcement that there would be no more homework moving forward.

 

"If everyone's getting a bloody O, how will I know if I'm beating them or not?" Sheila muttered annoyed.

 

"As if you'd beat anyone in this class. No offense, but you're terrible," Lily shot back.

 

Sheila grinned. "I'm going to beat your well-rounded ass, Lils. Get ready for your first troll."

 

They shared a smile at that but neither really thought Lily was going to struggle to meet her "potential." She'd rise to the occasion like always. No homework wasn't necessarily a _bad_ thing, but couldn't they have had their hippy, new-age professor in a year they didn't have to study for NEWTs. In theory this sounded nice, but Lily didn't think Ames' method was going to prepare them as thoroughly as a nice, well-structured lecture.

 

She'd just have to buckle down and add another hour in the library to her weekly schedule. There were worse things.

 

They all paired up to practice shield charms for the first half of the class. Lily's was rather advanced so she spent most of the time trying to hurl more inventive curses at Sheila's defenses, while the girl wailed.

 

"You're trying to kill me!" she accused.

 

"I did tell you to stop chewing gum in class," Lily answered smugly.

 

The two bickered back and forth in the same fashion until Professor Ames started walking around the room to assess everyone's work. Lily could hear her giving grades based on her new scale as she went. Despite her bold claims that they would only receive Os or Ts, she seemed to be downplaying her student's failures and only gently informing them that if they were still performing at the same level come year end, they would force her to assign them a T.

 

Eventually, she drifted over to Lily's side of the classroom to observe Marlene and Mary. It was a terribly unfair pairing and everyone knew it. Mary's wand work was exceptional, and she was able to effortlessly block everything Marlene threw at her. In comparison, Marlene's arm was shaking from the force it had required to stop Mary's onslaught and Mary had been holding back out of fear of hurting her friend in the first place.

 

"McKinnon," Professor Ames said addressing Marlene. "You need to hold your wand at more of an angle when trying to block a slicing hex."

 

Marlene struggled to readjust her grip in the manner that Ames was referring. With a look of screwed up concentration she recast her shield and it glowed faintly brighter before fizzling out. Face pink with embarrassment, Marlene studied the floor to avoid the pitying looks her classmates were shooting her.

 

"Improvement," Professor Ames said brusquely. "An O for the day, McKinnon. On the other hand, you MacDonald are capable of much more. If you continue on like this, you can expect a T in this class."

 

The words reverberated throughout the classroom. No one knew what was more shocking, that Marlene was succeeding in her spell work or that Mary had just been bested. Marlene looked torn between elation at her success and concern for her best friend, and ultimately settled on placing a placating hand on Mary's shoulder. Mary, for her part, just stood looking shell-shocked.

 

Lily and Sheila were both given Os by Ames, but they barely heard the words, too focused on studying Mary out of the corner of their eyes. She and Marlene were huddled together whispering urgently.

 

"Well that was…unexpected," Lily said.

 

"How much do you want to bet Mary bursts her cauldron before the end of class?" Sheila snickered.

 

"Oh stop," Lily chided. "There's only about ten minutes left, and it's not a big deal. She'll be fine."

 

"The girl has never received lower than an E in anything. Do you really think she's going to handle being publically shamed like that and by Marlene of all people?" Sheila pointed out dubiously.

 

"Good friends celebrate each other's successes," Lily said. She thought she'd read that on a fortune cookie once.

 

Now Sheila was openly laughing, "And I'm sure you'd have celebrated endlessly if Mary beat you out for Head Girl because you're just a good friend like that."

 

"You're a low, spiteful hag, Sheila Marks," Lily declared sulkily.

 

"I know," Sheila said casually as if she was accustomed to her friends thinking the worst of her. "We'll duck out to the Great Lake for lunch and let Mary hyperventilate for half an hour and then everything will go back to normal."

 

Mary did not leave with them at the end of class though. They tried to linger waiting for her, but it became clear by the way she methodically collected her things that she was trying to outwait them so that she could speak privately with Professor Ames. Disappointed, they all drifted off to their respective classes with the promise to meet up for lunch.

 

Lily and Marlene had Potions together so they made their way down to the dungeons. The class went smoothly enough, with Lily brewing a flawless befuddlement potion. From the way Slughorn was beaming at her, she knew she was still a favorite.

 

While Lily hard-carried Marlene through potions, she still was something of a terrible partner to her talkative friend. Ever since her falling out with Severus, she didn't want to chat and relax in Potions because it gave him too much of an opportunity to catch her eye. Instead, she opted to bury her nose in her textbook, so that it was nearly impossible for him to draw her attention. Though it hadn't stopped him from trying. Last year he had actually fallen out of his chair from leaning over so far in an attempt to attract her notice.

 

Today, however, Marlene had no interest in catering to Lily's needs. She had something on her mind, and she would not be ignored. Her first few attempts at conversation were summarily shut down, so Marlene resorted to scrawling out a note and passing it to her friend, which was rather ridiculous as everyone else who had finished prepping their potions were chatting rather openly, but those were the lengths you were forced to take when you were friends with a weirdo like Lily Evans.

 

 _So, what are your thoughts on class today?_ Marlene’s note read.

 

Lily paused nervously as she pondered her response. That was a loaded question if there ever was one. Couldn’t Marlene have given her some kind of hint on how she was feeling so that Lily could tailor her note accordingly.

 

_I was really proud of you._

 

There. That was a safe enough reply.

 

_PROUD??? Of me? Are you mad? There's nothing impressive about receiving an O from that woman. She's ridiculous! Honestly, I know it's hard to fill the Defense position but you'd think Dumbledore would still have standards._

 

Err, so not the response Lily had been expecting.

 

_You showed improvement. You should be less hard on yourself!_

 

_Improvement from utterly terrible is hardly something to give glowing praise about. I know I'm rubbish and that's fine. I've accepted it. But to treat Mary like that when we all know how wonderful she is! I think Ames is just jealous that Mary is clearly better at shield spells than her. I suppose I can't blame her. It must be humiliating to know that a 17 year old is your superior._

 

 _Maybe Mary should take it as a compliment…It means that Ames thinks she can do even better than she is now_ , Lily tried diplomatically.

 

Mary actually grumbled out loud as she read Lily's response.

 

_I still think there's something seriously wrong with that woman. Standards at Hogwarts these days!_

 

 _What do you know about past years at Hogwarts?_ Lily wrote back. Marlene, like Lily, was a muggle-born. She couldn't exactly compare her experiences to those of her siblings or parents like so many of their classmates.

 

_I know I'm slow but I can still read, Lily. Hogwarts a History? Ever heard of it?_

 

_I'm just saying, you sound like one of those purebloods always talking about falling standards and the good old days._

 

_Just keep pushing, Evans. Just keep pushing._

 

Lily smiled to herself. Dramatics were probably a good sign that Marlene was calming down a bit.

 

_I think Mary is brilliant and deserves an O…but that doesn't mean you can't be a little kind to yourself too. Even if Ames is a complete madwoman and should be banned from teaching anything but chimpanzees for the rest of her life, you still got an O today because you worked hard, and that means something._

 

Marlene didn't respond for a very long time. When she finally did, her note simply read:

 

_Thank you._

 

Lily tucked the piece of parchment inside the pocket of her robes. She would want to keep that note for a long time.

 

Class was mostly uneventful besides their note exchange, but there was a bit of a ruckus as the students poured out of the classroom to head to lunch. As she was exiting, Lily spotted Severus up ahead, lingering in the corridor where she was sure to have to pass by him.

 

Normally, Marlene ran excellent interference in these kinds of situations. She had a natural-born talent for causing a scene and had no shame in flinging herself bodily into Sev's path if it would keep him at a distance from her friend. As they left class today though, she was a little too preoccupied, frowning at the floor rather than scouring the halls for any threat to her friend.

 

Oh no, oh please no, Lily thought desperately, eyes casting about for anything that could help her. Godric Gryffindor, I know I'm a coward but please don't make me do this right now. I'm not ready to face him just yet!

 

Her mind continued a mantra of pleas, 'I promise that I won't steal any more of Alice's chocolate frogs and I'll be more generous in helping Marlene study _and_ I'll write Tuney at least once a week if you just let me get away this one last time!'

 

Far from resigned, Lily tried to skulk behind Marlene, using the girl as a human shield. It was hardly her best effort as Marlene wasn’t what you’d describe as bulky. Lily felt the sleeve of her robe snag as Severus reached out to grab her. Just as Lily began to surrender to the momentum that was drawing her towards Severus, she collided rather heavily with another body and bounced backwards, a bit dazed but still on her feet.

 

She was faced with the back of Remus Lupin and a lot of shouting coming from Severus's direction.

 

Peering around him, Lily saw that Severus had toppled to the floor in a gangly mess alongside James Potter. His books were strewn everywhere, but he seemed more focused on disentangling his limbs from Potters' than in collecting his things.

 

"Really, Snape! You need to stop throwing yourself at me every chance you get," Potter bellowed. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. I will not go to Hogsmeade with you!"

 

"Get the fuck off me," Severus growled, pushing James to the side and crawling out from underneath him.

 

"Language!" Black said scandalized. He had appeared out of nowhere to gawk at the scene. "Harassment and bad language. You should take house points, James."

 

A small part of Lily was tempted to interrupt and tell Sirius just what she thought of that suggestion. She didn't even want to contemplate how Potter was probably abusing his authority as head boy when she wasn't around to stop him. Unless she was careful, Slytherin would likely be the first house in history to have negative points at the end of year. As Head Girl, Lily ensured that no prefects were deducting unreasonable tallies of points, but a great number of small deductions could add up quickly and sneak under her radar.

 

The part of her that was an outraged head girl was greatly overshadowed by the part that was a wounded and desperate teenager. She had been frantically wishing that she wouldn't have to interact with Severus and like some sort of corrupted fairy godmothers, Potter and Lupin had appeared to make her wishes come true.

 

Never had she been more grateful towards Potter's obnoxious inability to let Sev walk down a hall without tormenting him in some way.

 

Lily knew that after their run-in, Severus would have forgotten all about his plans to corner her. She knew that she was important to Severus. He had a bit of an obsessive personality, and she had been a fixation of his since they were children. Their friendship had been genuine, but there had been an underlying current of obsession throughout. His hatred of Potter and the other Mauraders so greatly overshadowed anything he felt towards Lily though that just a little goading from one of them and he would be too overwhelmed to even remember her name. He'd said awful things to her in the past while nursing his pride from something the Mauraders had done. It was a part of why their friendship had crumbled into nothing.

 

Knowing a good opportunity when she saw one, Lily grabbed a still distracted Marlene by the hand and dragged her quickly down the corridor. Bounding along at a brisk pace, Lily didn't slow until they had made it outside. The chill air of early fall hit them both, Lily sighed in content just as Marlene made an ugly mew of protest, shivering slightly.

 

"Only the insane would want to spend time outside in October," Marlene said grumpily.

 

"I think you're the mad one. You can't live your life spending October through February locked in doors. That's nearly half the year!"

 

"I like the inside it has fireplaces and pillows and magazines," Marlene said. "The outside has mosquitoes and grass stains."

 

"Well, you're in luck. There aren't going to be any mosquitoes in Scotland in October," Lily said.

 

They made their way over to the Great Lake where the rest of the Gryffindor seventh year girls were waiting. Alice and Sheila had made an appearance in the Great Hall just long enough to nick some food and had it set out for their arrival.

 

"Marlene thinks it's too cold outside. Discuss!" Lily said in way of a greeting, plopping down next to Alice.

 

Never one to disappoint, Alice's face screwed up in disgust. "You think this is cold! This is practically tropical weather. Look! You can see the sun!"

 

"The birds have started migrating. That's how you know it's getting too cold for picnics," Marlene said.

 

"But you have to make the most of it," Lily urged. "Soon, it really will be frigid out here and we'll have to sit inside all day everyday wishing we could stretch our legs a bit."

 

"You have an entire bloody castle to stretch your legs -- though they could use stretching, you are so terribly short, Lily. If you need a stretch, run up and down to the astronomy tower or something," Marlene said.

 

"Now that was just rude," Lily said.

 

An outsider may have looked at Lily and agreed that she was rather on the short-side as she had to kind of push up a little on her feet when she was being measured to break 158 centimeters. But those outsiders would not know that Evans women simply bloomed late. Petunia had been the same way - tiny one moment and a lanky, giant the next. Lily had explained this phenomenon to her friends several times, but they insisted on preserving the lie that she was short. She wasn’t. She was just _growing_.

 

"Marlene might have a point about the weather," Sheila said amused. The rather brisk wind had mussed her hair terribly and she was struggling to beat it back out of her eyes.

 

"It looks like you're being attacked by a pygmy puff," Mary said dryly.

 

"But do I look hot anyway?" Sheila asked, aiming her most man-melting grin at them.

 

"Damn it, you actually do," Lily said.

 

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful," Sheila cooed.

 

"I do," Marlene said. "I despised you at the start of first year because you were so ridiculously pretty. I mean what kind of girl is pretty at eleven? You're supposed to be hideous at that age. But not you, oh no! If Mary hadn't stopped me, I was going to spike all of your shampoo with hair removal potion just to even out the playing field a little."

 

Sheila snorted. That Marlene had wanted to strangle her with her own hair-ribbon when they were younger was hardly new information, though the lengths she had been willing to go was a bit disturbing.

 

"I suppose I owe you a thank you," Sheila drawled to Mary.

 

"Hardly," Mary said wickedly. "I only stopped her because I didn't want her sent to Azkaban. Her hair-removal potion sometimes exploded unexpectedly."

 

Lily helped herself to some salad, relieved that Mary didn't seem too upset about what had happened in Defense. As she filled her plate, she sensed Alice's judgmental eyes watching her. Alice wouldn't say anything, but they'd had the conversation often enough that Lily knew the cause of her disdain. She thought Lily ate like a bird and should be above shallow concerns about her weight and appearance. Feeling rather caged in, Lily added piece of brownie to her plate and basked in the approval she sensed emanating off of Alice at her decision. She’d have to see if she could toss it when Alice wasn’t looking.

 

"So, anything lascivious happen to anyone today?" Sheila asked with naughtily raised eyebrows.

 

"First, nice word calendar. Second, you mean between we saw each other in Defense and lunch? Shockingly not!" Mary said dryly.

 

"You could have just said your day was boring, Mary dearest. No need for the sarcasm. Besides, I was asking our more interesting friends," Sheila said.

 

"Severus made a grab for Lily after potions," Marlene narked.

 

"Marlene!"

 

"What? It's true and I mean a physical grab," Marlene said. She seemed to physically grow taller as she wound herself up to deliver the gossip. "He had her by the sleeve and everything."

 

"Geez, what a creep," Alice muttered.

 

"What happened?" Mary asked.

 

"Nothing. James Potter entered hero mode and practically dove between them and then we made our get away," Marlene shrugged.

 

"That was an accident," Lily said.

 

"You think it was an accident that right as he's bothering you, Potter appeared out of nowhere and tackled him down?" Marlene asked.

 

"He's always bothering Severus. It's not like he needs a reason," Lily said defensively.

 

Eight eyes stared at her as if she were a lunatic.

 

"James has total white knight syndrome. It's actually rather disgusting," Alice said. "I've told him to knock it off but he won't listen."

 

Lily wrinkled her nose. She couldn't accept the picture of James as anyone's white knight. He seemed more the type to imperil a lady than save her.

 

"And it's not just you, Lily. Even though Potter's obsessed with you. He'd probably do the same for any girl he thought was in trouble. Chauvinistic bastard thinks women need saving all the time," Alice said.

 

"Ahh but would he have noticed that another girl was in trouble? He probably only noticed because he spends half his day gazing moon-eyed at Lily," Sheila said.

 

"I would love for Potter to save me," Marlene said dreamily. "He's just so handsome and there's something so sweet about his concern."

 

"What I don't understand is why Snape is still trying with you Lily. I thought he'd finally taken the hint last year that you weren't going to give him the time of day anymore. Now ever since this summer, he's relentless," Mary said.

 

Lily froze slightly at the observation. Damn Mary for noticing far too much. It would do Lily a world of good if a coconut could land on her head and knock a few of those brain cells out.

 

"Hmm, that is strange. I hadn't really thought about it," Alice assented.

 

"Anything happen over the summer, Lily?" Marlene asked.

 

"I can't think of anything. We didn't see each other at all," Lily replied.

 

Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie.

 

Lily knew exactly what had spurred Severus to regain hope in rekindling their friendship, and the story behind that was something she had no intention of sharing with anyone. Not even her best friends.

 

"Well, I have my own news," Sheila announced.

 

"I knew this was going to turn into a story about you," Alice muttered.

 

Ignoring her, Sheila continued. "I have myself a boyfriend!"

 

"How is that possible? You've barely been separated from the rest of us for ten minutes since breakfast?" Marlene cried at the same time Lily asked "Who?"

 

"Jerome Desmarais," Sheila said proudly.

 

"Ooh, he's dishy," Lily said approvingly.

 

"I know. He's got just about the loveliest eyes of any boy in the school, I'd reckon. And as to how it happened, he caught me in the hall and we started talking about Hogsmeade and next thing you know, we were a match!" Sheila explained.

 

"Isn't he a fifth year?" Mary asked.

 

Sheila rolled her eyes. "He's sixteen to my seventeen. I hardly think the difference is something to comment on. Besides, I've already exhausted all the boys I could possibly be interested in from our year, I've had to expand my horizons."

 

"You'll have to do all the magic on your dates. He may be sixteen, but he's got a fifth year's magical understanding," Alice warned.

 

"What kind of magic do you imagine we'll be doing on our dates? Honestly, as long as he can snog well and pays for everything, I think he'll be alright," Sheila shrugged. "There's something rather exciting about being the more powerful one anyway."

 

"You better not blow us over for him like you did for Trevor Ians. Or the one before that. Really, you have the most terrible tunnel-vision when it comes to your boyfriends," Marlene said.

 

"Tunnel-what?" Alice asked.

 

"It means she can only see her boyfriends and misses everything else," Lily explained.

 

"Oh, yes. You certainly have a bad case of that. You might want to get that treated," Alice agreed.

 

Unruffled, Sheila only laughed. "But relationships are so much fun in the early stages. There's still so much to discover and the sex is so new and exciting. Forgive me if you four don't have anything quite as interesting to offer."

 

"We have good conversation," Lily said.

 

"Arguable."

 

"And picnics!" Marlene cried.

 

"Replaceable."

 

"We have the chocolate for when you break up and need a cry," Mary said.

 

"And that, my dear, is why I keep you around," Sheila assented. "We're going to meet tonight to…get to know one another a bit better, so I'll let you know all about it tomorrow. But I think this one's a keeper."

 

"I thought he was a Chaser," Lily said.

 

"Sometimes you amaze me," Sheila said crossly.

 

"All right, now that we're all in a good mood, can we finally get around to discussing whatever Ames told you after class, Mares?" Alice said. Everyone shot Alice warning looks, but she waved them off. "What? You know we've all been wondering and it's a hell of a lot more interesting than hearing about Sheila's next victim."

 

The silence was tense.

 

"Apparently, I am an emotionally-closed-off block of ice who is destined for failure," Mary said coldly.

 

"She said that to you?" Marlene all but screamed.

 

"Not in so many words," Mary said.

 

"You're not emotionally closed off. Maybe you don’t run around shouting your feelings to the world, but that's really quite healthy," Sheila said.

 

"And it would get damned annoying if you did," Alice agreed.

 

Marlene was gripping Mary's hand, all urgent concern. "What did she say exactly, Mary?"

 

"She said that it didn't matter if you could perform a spell perfectly, if there wasn't the proper power behind it. According to our esteemed professor, it takes a certain level of emotional control to power your spells fully and that I'm holding back," Mary sighed.

 

"Holding back, what? And how would she even know that?" Lily asked.

 

What Mary was saying didn't make much sense to her. Lily was a liar who hid her emotions from everyone around her. At times, Lily even did a pretty good job of hiding her feelings from herself! Yet, Ames hadn't told Lily that she needed to be more emotionally vulnerable.

 

"I don't really know what she's on about. My spells are fine, and they're certainly powerful enough whenever I'm partnered up in class," Mary said. "Maybe I should fake a crying spell in class, so that she'll think I'm more unguarded."

 

Lily laughed at the images that thought produced. "I think that would cause a class-wide panic. You crying would scare even a death eater!"

 

"That woman just doesn't understand who you are yet. Give it a few classes, and she'll be forced to admit that you're the most brilliant witch around! And when she does, you can refuse her apologies and laugh in her stupid, ignorant face!" Marlene said vehemently.

 

Sheila gave Marlene a look that clearly questioned her sanity.

 

"Calm down, McKinnon. You'd think Ames gave her a year's worth of detentions or spat in her face the way you're carrying on. So, Mary received a little criticism in one class. The rest of us have dealt with worse before, and you're not throwing snits on our behalf," Alice said.

 

"I don't think Lily's ever received anything less than an E," Sheila said thoughtfully.

 

"Not true! I've gotten As on loads of assignments before, and I just barely passed Transfiguration third year. You know how hard that was for me!" Lily argued.

 

"Oh yeah, I always forget that you were such a little screw-up back then," Alice laughed.

 

"See! And if it weren't for Mary, I really would have failed. You got me through that class!" Lily continued triumphantly.

 

"You did need a lot of help," Mary agreed, and there was a hint of a smile on her face as she was reminded of how many nights they had spent together holed up in the common room with Mary drilling Transfiguration notes into Lily's jumbled brain.

 

"Is your ego going to be ok?" Alice asked. "Because that's all that's really on the line right now. You have to admit that you're not perfect and no one is sure you have the capacity to handle it."

 

"Alice!!!" Everyone screeched at the same time.

 

Talk about inappropriate remarks. Geez, Lily thought. She understood that Alice despised weakness and thought that they should all soldier on through life as if they were made of steel. For the most part, they had all adjusted to Alice's rude comments and accepted her new worldview, but this was just a little bit over the top.

 

"I'll let you know," Mary answered coolly. She seemed less frazzled by Alice than the others, but her eyes were still narrowed and assessing.

 

"Dumbledore!" Marlene screamed, desperate to break the tension. "Lily had a meeting with Dumbledore! I want to talk about Dumbledore!"

 

"Why don't you say his name again," Sheila snickered.

 

"DUMBLEDORE!"

 

"Alright, alright. Umm…he just wanted to talk to me and Potter about brainstorming some sort of event to improve student morale what with everything going on outside these days," Lily said.

 

"Wow, that's not a bad idea," Sheila said thoughtfully. "The Hogwarts school year does get so terribly dull. We only really have Quidditch and a few holidays to look forward to."

 

"A BALL! We should have a ball!" Marlene suggested, leaping to her feet with the force of her excitement.

 

"I don't know about that," Lily said uncertainly. "What sounds fun about dancing while all of our professors watch from the sidelines?"

 

Marlene stared down at Lily in disgust. "It's less the ball itself than the lead up. Think about it! For weeks, everyone will be talking about what they're going to wear and who they're going to go with. Even if the event itself was awful, it would still be so much fun beforehand. We'd get to spend hours doing each other's hair and go shopping together for robes and oooh it would be incredible!"

 

"Kill me now," Alice said darkly.

 

"If you think it's such a good idea, you can be the one to tell Potter. I'm sure he'll be thrilled," Lily said.

 

Marlene shrunk back a little at that. But even her anxiety about talking to the Mauraders could not overshadow her excitement at the idea of a dance.

 

"Did you come up with any ideas?" Mary asked.

 

"Potter and I are going to meet to discuss it later this week. He did say something about a Quidditch tournament. I told him it was a terrible idea, but it's actually not that bad now that I think of it," Lily said.

 

"If we have a Quidditch tournament _and_ a ball, can we please wait until it's a little bit warmer. Sitting outside in the stands for six hours in November isn't going to raise morale. It'll just raise the number of students clamoring for anti-cold potion in the Hospital Wing," Marlene begged.

 

"Nothing's decided," Lily said. "Keep this quiet though. I don't know if we'll want this to be a surprise or not."

 

Lily thought that maybe telling Marlene was a bad idea. She could keep a secret, sure, but keeping a potential ball to herself? That was an entirely different story. Marlene lived for fictional dances and poured through the society pages for the faintest whisper of what some snooty-pure-blood wore to which-snooty-event. This was her greatest fantasy come to life. If someone told Lily that her lifelong dream was maybe coming true - that the Potions Guild had elected her Witch in Chief - she would certainly struggle to keep it a secret.

 

While nothing was set in stone, Lily was really not leaning towards the ball idea. If Mary spread it around to the female population of Hogwarts though, she would find herself inundated with begging and threatening witches. She’d probably schedule six balls just to get an escape. Best to keep this quiet.

 

"You're going to be so busy," Mary said a bit sadly. "Potter is hardly going to be a great help in event planning and even if he offered, you wouldn't trust him not to turn it into a circus."

 

"A circus would be so cool," Alice said.

 

"Actually, Potter's probably going to be very involved," Lily said hesitantly.

 

It was now or never.

 

"I may have been holding back my scandalous morning just a bit," Lily said.

 

"He snogged you!" Sheila burst out excitedly.

 

"What? No! It wasn't anything like that!" Lily said, heating up with embarrassment.

 

"Oh, that's too bad. I thought maybe he'd be helping to get another shot at you," Sheila explained blithely.

 

"No, what happened was decidedly less friendly. There was an argument, you know, nothing unusual there. He was being a prat, and I let him get under my skin. He was just being so blasé about how being head girl meant nothing and just dismissing everything I am!"

 

Lily's skin almost burned just remembering the events from earlier that morning. Stupid Potter with his stupid opinions. How was anyone that sure of themselves anyway? How could they look at someone who despised them and tell them that their opinion was meaningless?

 

Her friends watched with hardly-concealed looks of astonishment as Lily explained the bet, detailing how they would rule who won and the rules she had insisted on establishing.

 

Alice recovered first, laughing boisterously. "This is the most amazing thing you have ever done, Evans! Holy Hungarian Horntails!"

 

"That was certainly one way to handle the situation," Mary offered diplomatically.

 

"I know! What am I going to do? I don't want to do any of the things I've committed myself too. And all I've really done is given him a bigger platform to embarrass me with," Lily sighed defeated.

 

"But think of how much fun we're all going to have," Alice urged. "We can plan the pranks out together, pick our victims. It'll be such a nice break from what you lot normally get up to."

 

"I just don't think I can do it. I really don’t," Lily said, trying to keep the pleading edge out of her tone but failing miserably.

 

It had been so easy to commit when Potter was standing there in front of her. Something about him made it easy for her to forget thinking and just dive right in, but that wasn't how she normally lived her life. She didn't want to be that kind of reckless person.

 

Whether they understood her reasons or not, Lily knew that her friends would support her if she decided to go through with it. Eventually, they'd probably even come to have a lot of fun just like Alice predicted.

 

But it wasn't their decision to make. It was Lily's. Did she have the guts? She ran from Severus. She ran from Petunia and the Slytherin wanna-be death eaters and anything else that made her a little bit nervous. It was time to find out the truth: was she a Gryffindor or was the sorting hat not all it was cracked up to be?

 

"You know what, let's do this," Lily said.

 

Never had the words sounded so desolate.

 

Score

Lily: 0 – James: 0

  
Number of times Lily assumed the worst of James Potter: 2  
Number of times Lily lied: 1  
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I really don’t have any plans for a ball, so please don’t get your hopes up. I think I’ll try something a bit more original. All the same, it was in character for Marlene to get her hopes up, so I added that conversation in anyways.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Oct 4: Of Humiliations, Past & Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV switch to James for the next two chapters. For the first few days of the bet, each chapter will cover half a day, so the plotting might move a bit slowly. But hopefully it will give you a really clear understanding of what the characters' day to day lives look like and what they value before things pick up.

Class was dull. He shouldn't have been surprised to discover this upon returning to Hogwarts as a 7th year. The previous six years had almost bored him into an early grave, so why should this year be any different?

It was only after he fell asleep in his first Charms class of the year and felt the taste of disappointment which followed that he realized he rather did have higher expectations for the year. They were learning NEWT level magic! That should have been exciting, a wee bit dangerous. Leave it to the Hogwarts professors to drain every bit of entertainment out of even the most thrilling spell work.

The unfortunate reality was that James just didn't learn well in a classroom setting. Unless someone was speaking to him directly he had a tendency to zone out, and he had never fully acclimated to the Hogwarts approach to magic where you had to talk a spell dead – consider the implications of every wrist flick and ponder whether the spell's inventor had been wearing pajamas when he died – before you could perform it.

For James, you either understood the root of the spell or you didn't. Sure sometimes he had to put a fair bit of work into it. The Map had been a nightmare to configure even with Remus's aptitude towards Charms. But if James couldn't work out how to make a clock chime in Hebrew, he figured he could be late to a few appointments.

Transfiguration wasn't the worst he was willing to concede. McGonagall was a queen among women as far as he was concerned. He and his friends had run her ragged since day one and yet she still was pretty fair to the lot of them, happy to chat about their Quidditch chances and quick to give advice about their career prospects. The practical days were pretty fun as well. James usually completed his transfiguration within the first fifteen minutes which left him with plenty of time to dick around to his heart's content – as long as he did so quietly enough that McGonagall didn't deem him a distraction to the other students. Give it a few more minutes and Remus or Sirius were sure to finish up and join him. Peter was the only one that really struggled with Transfiguration, which was only fair since he routed them all at Herbology.

Still, James was advanced beyond anything they would ever cover in class, which was slightly derailing. And today, Merlin help him, was a theory day.

He entertained himself by charming a scrap of parchment to fold and refold itself into different shapes, zoning out McGonagall's efforts to explain the importance of visualization when constructing a vertebrate. Attempting to fold a sword, James mused that it came out looking mightily similar to a cock instead. Shrugging, he flicked his wand so that the paper dick would jab Sirius in the side. His friend seemed to find this hilarious and soon had his own paper weapon engaged in a duel between them.

“Potter! Black! Do I even want to know what you're doing?” McGonagall said wearily.  
Their sword fight was taking place beneath their desks, but their bent heads and loud snickering may have been a little conspicuous.

“Probably not,” Sirius replied.

“Does it at least involve Transfiguration?” McGongagall asked hopefully. Sometime in fifth year McGonagall's remonstrations towards them had become decidedly half-hearted. They figured they had finally worn her down.

“Charms,” James answered, all easy arrogance.

“Behave or I will separate you two,” McGonagall warned with a shake of her head before moving on with her lecture. “As I was saying, NEWT level animal transfiguration will differ principally from what you learned last year because the inner nature of the animal will also be relevant. It is not enough for your candle to look like a mouse. It must also behave like a mouse. Think like a mouse...Miss Evans?”

Lily's hand had shot into the air like a wand flare.

“What are the ethical implications of that, professor? If the tea-cozy turned mouse can think, doesn't it constitute a living thing and wouldn't that make reverting it to a tea cozy murder?”  
James and the rest of the class had been stunned into silence by what had been an altogether earnest appeal.

“Miss Evans...the tea cozy never stops being a tea cozy, even while transfigured,” McGonagall said slowly.

“But then how can it think? How does that work?” Lily asked.

She looked somewhat abashed when the class let out a collective groan. Sirius rather dramatically slumped into the table, Fredo Sours broke his quill in half, and even Remus looked tense.

Everyone was all too familiar with Evan's queries about how things worked. There was never an answer that satisfied her. You'd think she expected the professors to reveal the deepest inner workings of magic on a Tuesday in class or something.

Depending on his mood, James found this trait endearing.

He decided to join the fray before the class devolved into take 1,407 of Lily-Evans-demands-answers-from-a-startled-professor.

“How do I know that I'm not a tea cozy?” he gasped loudly.

He rather liked the feeling that swelled within him as the class's attention shifted towards him. Center-stage had always suited him.

“Maybe I was born a lowly tea-cozy and some magnanimous wizard made me a real boy! Is there some test to know for sure?” James pleaded, eyes wide and as boyish as he could make them.

“I don't think you'd be a tea cozy, mate,” Sirius said. “Maybe that little nub thing on the end of your laces. What's that called again?”

“An aglet,” Remus offered helpfully.

“Yes, thank you. You may be aglet.”

Alice waved her wand from across the room and shouted finite incantateum. She pouted and wailed “no dice!” when he didn't pop out of existence. The spell did undo the glamour he'd applied over a hickey Samantha Nox had been generous enough to give him, but he was hardly one to shy away from announcing his good fortune. And any time spent with Samantha Nox was good fortune indeed.

“I'm alive!” he shouted, bounding over his desk so he could embrace Alice.

The action knocked Albert Albertson – an unfortunate name if there ever was one – from his seat next to Alice. James hardly bothered to glance at the angry Hufflepuff. He was a bit of a swot and didn't really rate in James' eyes.

In further celebration of confirmation that he was a man and not in fact a tea cozy, he kissed Alice heartily on the month. She grinned madly at that, happy to be a part of the fun and maybe a little starry-eyed at the act even though she knew he meant nothing by it.

“Wait a second, Alice! If I had been an aglet, you would have just murdered me. How can you live with yourself?” he asked dramatically. He pushed her away from him playfully.

“You can hardly expect me to just make a new friend this late in the game, Alice. I need to keep James nice and well!” Sirius laughed.

The class had completely lost it by this point. Everyone was hooting and speculating on the likelihood of their own existences. Orion Vance seemed particularly overwhelmed by this topic. He was a bit of a stoner and had started to mumble to himself about the possibilities that all of this was really just a dream and they were living in a giant's eyeball.

It took McGonagall several minutes to regain order, and by the end of it James had a detention, Gryffindor had lost thirty points, and Sirius had been moved to sit beside Remus, leaving Peter to take the seat beside him. He figured it was worth it to bleed a little fun into the class.

A glance at Lily told him she was considerably less amused than her peers. James didn't let this bother him. He had decided over the summer that Evans' opinion of him wouldn't influence his behavior anymore.

He felt better now that the class had had a good laugh. He hadn't been exaggerating when he told Lily that he was something of an institution at Hogwarts. It was expected that the Mauraders would spice up the day before it became too dull. James was only too happy to oblige. Whenever he had tried to lay low in the past, he'd get this itch between his shoulder blades, nagging him that he was being forgotten. It would then be a matter of hours before he pulled some stunt to draw everyone's attention back to where it belonged: on him.

For now, the itch had been scratched.

McGonagall called on him a few minutes later. The question was why did so many wizards find it easier to transfigure a mouse rather than a bird. James thought it was surprising she had called on him because she usually didn't try to push her luck with him after outbursts like earlier and it wasn't like she expected to catch him without the answer. To his eternal shame, he was something of a Transfiguration pet.

“Mice are mammals, so we have a better intuitive understanding of their inner workings.”  
James clapped a hand to his mouth in shock. The answer he gave was right enough but the method in which it had been delivered was unconventional and completely out of his control.  
He had sung the words.

“Professor, I didn't mean,” James tried to backpedal, but his explanation came out in the same scratchy tenor.

“That's enough, Potter,” McGonagall shouted and Merlin she looked ready to explode at this point.

“I swear this is not me,” he sang.

“Bloody hell you can't sing,” Sirius snickered.

“Shut up,” James retorted, his voice cracking on the high note that was released on 'up.'

He was laughing at this point. It didn't really matter if he was responsible or not. It was damned funny and everyone was going to give him credit anyway.

“I think he sounds great,” piped up Peter. Only his words were sung as well in a grating falsetto.

“Shite!” sang Sirius, clapping his hands over his ears. “This is a nightmare.”

For the second time within the hour, the class devolved into chaos. It seemed everyone was singing their words now. Remus's bass floated pleasantly from behind him as he whisper-sang to James to ask if he was responsible for this. Alice and Sirius were engaged in a rousing duet about the wonders of firewhiskey that most of the class soon joined in.

Whatever the charm was, it was creative, but James would never have pulled something like this. First, McGonagall's class was not the place. Even if he was happy to serve a few detentions, he'd rather prefer not to earn her perpetual ire unless it was for something really good. Second, his year weren't exactly the most talented bunch and all of this bleating was bound to give him a headache.

The charm eventually began to wear off to his relief and McGonagall was able to finish her lesson by refusing to call on anyone's raised hands.

Was that you?

James glanced at the note Sirius had thrown in front of him.

No.

Sirius looked surprised as he read the response, though James couldn't study his expression too long or McGonagall would realize he was turned around in his seat and not paying attention. There weren't really any likely suspects outside the two of them in the class. Moony could cause trouble with the best of them but usually saved that for outside the classroom, and Peter would have given them a heads up before he tried anything.

My galleons are on Cartwright, Sirius wrote back.

James agreed. Alice had a good sense of humor and appreciated a little trouble. More than once they had included her in a mild prank, making her something of an honorary Maurader. Only honorary though. The Mauraders weren't a group you could just join because you were good for a laugh, though Sirius had often bemoaned that if only Alice were more fit he might have made an exception. But alas it seemed there was always a trade-off between personality and looks.

When class ended, Sirius and James hung back without having to be told, knowing they were in for a good reaming from McGonagall.

“Three class interruptions. Incitement to underage drinking. Orion Vance's break down. Albertson on the floor. Inappropriate displays of affection,” McGonagall listed out their crimes severely. “Am I missing anything?”

“If you must know, James here would never have kissed Cartwright if you weren't looking quite so lovely today, Minerva. Really, you can't blame a bloke for his frustration,” Sirius said.

“Detention next Monday, and if there are any more displays like this from you, I'll have you removed from this class. You can leave, Mr. Black,” McGonagall said. She had clearly given up on having any real conversation, taking his flirtation as a sign she would get nowhere with him.

“I'll be counting the hours,” Sirius answered with more smarm than charm. He winked at James as he left the classroom, whistling jauntily all the way.

James could have quoted the lecture that followed by heart. Expected better of you...now that you're head boy...real world...responsibilities. Her speech might have had more of an effect if it were true, but James knew the truth. The “real world” would be just as forgiving of his fuck-ups because he was a Potter and had all of the wealth and status that accompanied the name. The only part that was remotely new were her calls that he not disappoint those who had believed in him enough to make him head boy.

After the shock when he had received his badge, had come the thrill. Here was something new that he could have a bit of fun with. He and Sirius had devised at least a dozen ways he could use his new status to harass the Slytherins and the idea of being recognized as superior to his classmates had pleased him immensely.

At the end of the day though, he hadn't asked for the damn badge. If Dumbledore had lost his mind as well as his beard and decided to make James head boy that was his cross to bear. He wasn't about to sacrifice his last year of fun with his friends to play nice with the professors.

With a good bit of needling, McGonagall did eventually accept James' protests of innocence regarding the singing charm, wriggling out of another detention in addition to the one he'd earned by kissing Alice. He couldn't really be bothered by one detention, especially now that he'd be serving it with Sirius, so he figured that was a class well spent.

That Alice didn't have a detention for inciting the class to madness when she was every bit as responsible for the duet with Sirius was a bit unfair though. James mused that birds always seemed to escape punishment for that kind of thing. Bloody sexist really. Wasn't feminism the code word of the day?

Ultimately, McGonagall held him back about twenty minutes before finally giving him her dismissal. Again, considering the chaos in class today, that could have been a lot worse.

James left the classroom only to see Lily waiting for him, leaned up against the corridor wall.

Since fifth year, James had decided he was done with Evans seven times. He'd question why she had such an impact on him and where'd his pride disappear to. These attempts would fall apart after just one good, long look at her as he'd be forcefully reminded that she was, oh yeah, fit as hell. This time was no different.

“Waiting for me, Evans?” he asked.

He was expecting her to get riled up at the insinuation that she'd want anything to do with him. After all, she had frequently reminded him that he was little better than gum on the bottom of her shoe – an insult that had never quite bothered him as he would happily let her stomp her mary janes all over his face if he could peep up her skirt as she did it.

No, instead of looking annoyed, she looked eerily pleased with herself.

“How does it feel? Losing, I mean. You're quite good at it,” Lily cooed at him triumphantly.

Ah, yes. The bet. The damned bet he had hoped she would have forgotten about since yesterday. In the moment, he had thought challenging her a fine idea, but in the harsh light of day he had realized that he'd lost control around her once again.

He didn't fancy spending the next month a straight-laced ponce while his mates had fun. Hell, they hadn't even set a reward for the winner to motivate him a little. There was really nothing for him in their little arrangement. Well, beyond humiliating Evans, but he figured there were easier ways to do that.

If she wasn't backing out though, he certainly couldn't. She'd never let him hear the end of it and would probably slander him as a coward to half the school before dinner.

“So, I'm in a spot of trouble. I'd hardly say I'm losing,” he said casually, stuffing his hands in his pockets and strolling down the corridor so that she'd have to chase him if she wanted to keep talking to him.

She did. And there weren't words to describe how delicious it was to have Evans chase after him for once.

“Nothing about what happened back there is something Lily Evans would do. Really! You realize it's only day one and you have detention?” Lily said grinning.

“Day two,” he corrected.

“What?”

“This is day two of the bet. We initiated it yesterday morning.”

“Yes, but it starts today. I have a set number of pranks to complete each week. I'm not losing a day,” Lily argued.

“Too bad. I don't remember agreeing to that,” James shrugged, knowing it would only infuriate her. Besides, the sooner this was over the better as far as he was concerned.

Lily looked like she wanted to stomp her foot, which would have delighted him to no end. As much as they argued and sniped at each other, Lily never quite seemed to lose that icy exterior that she built around herself. While James would shout and lash out impulsively, Lily always seemed to reel herself back at the last moment. She'd say nasty things, sure, but never anything she didn't intend to. As it was, her feet remained planted on the ground.

“I knew you'd be a sore loser about this,” she said. “You can't admit you don't have the self-control to last a day. And I thought the singing bit was inspired.”

James opened his mouth to argue once more but her last sentence shut him up. “That was you?”

He regretted the words the second they left his mouth. For starters, Lily looked far too satisfied with herself, pretty red lips drawn into a triumphant smirk. Also, it was kind of painfully obvious now that he thought about it. Of course Lily was responsible. She was brilliant at charms and had a quota to fill.

“I thought you sounded lovely,” Lily all but purred into his ear. Which he could admit was pretty hot although it would have been better if it wasn't at his expense.

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Hate to disappoint, but you'll be lucky if that rates an A from the boys.”

“What?” she squawked indignantly. “It took McGonagall fifteen whole minutes to get back to the lecture! How can that be an A?”

“Because Sirius did most of the work for you. If he hadn't started up, your little spell would've gone practically unnoticed. Besides, all the credit went to me anyways,” James explained.  
He was being a teensy bit unfair. All in all, it had been funny and disruptive. He could see Sirius pulling something like that if he was particularly bored in a class. It was better not to let her get too big a head about it though.

“That's ridiculous!” Lily sputtered. It was clear she didn't have a real retort for him. “I'm not supposed to get caught.”

James sighed heavily and gave her a condescending pat on the shoulder. “It was a good first effort, yeah? I'm sure you'll get better with practice.”

By this point they had reached the library, which he figured was for the best since he was in very real danger of Lily biting his hand off.

“I'm sure we'll continue this later,” James said dismissively.

“Wait, you're going to the library?”

“No need to sound so shocked, Evans. It's just one step in following my new credo, WWLD – what would Lily do?”

“I'm still winning,” Lily said. “And the day is young. I'm going to bury you.”

James winced a little at that. He had somehow forgotten just how competitive Lily could be. Every year she had to con the first years into playing Gobstones with her because everyone else knew better. A game with Lily was spent with arguing and Lily looking up antiquated rules to try to undermine everyone else's moves. It was a miracle the Gryffindor seventh year girls were all alive and in one piece having Lily and Sheila at the same time. Since Sheila played keeper for Gryffindor, James appreciated her competitive nature, but geez was there a limit that that girl had blown straight past.

“Err, good luck with that,” he said to Lily.

Lily turned around and walked away, though James thought he heard her mutter something like “I don't need luck” as she flounced off. Damn, he knew how to pick the crazy ones.

Left alone, James eyed the library doors warily. Contrary to popular belief, he did study and at least half-ass his assignments. Hell, he'd earned eight owls and was up for six NEWTs. You couldn't manage that if you weren't willing to crack open a book now and again. He did not, however, perform these academic feats in the library as he was sort of…banned for life.

Pince, who was far too young to be quite so bitter, had a three strikes rule – which he was given to understand was a reference to the muggle sport basteball. Strike one had been the dungbombs in first year, which was, admittedly, a waste of a strike, but hey he'd been a first year! Strike two had been getting Angelique Thomas's top off in fourth year – definitely worth it. And strike three had been knocking over all the shelves in the Care of Magical Creatures section while wrestling with Sirius, which he would contest was not his fault as Padfoot had jumped him and a bloke has a right to defend himself.

Still, this left him in the rather odd position of lingering outside the library as he didn't want Lily to realize he was full of shit. It was time to gather up that Gryffindor courage.

He slipped inside cautiously, scouring the room for Pince's domineering figure. He spotted her chastising a few firsties with her back turned to him. Good for a sneak attack. Plastering his most ingratiating smile on his face, he walked up and tapped Pince on the shoulder.

Her body did this kind of seizing thing as if the mere sight of him amongst her precious books was too much for her. That or maybe she was overwhelmed by how much James had filled out since fifth year. He liked to think it was the latter. Probably.

“I hope you've been well, Madam,” he whispered.

“Get out!” He figured it wasn't a good sign that she had screamed back at him, breaking her golden rule of maintaining silence at all times.

“Yes, that. I was hoping we could reevaluate my ban,” James said, ignoring the unyielding snarl on Pince's face. “You see I've grown up a lot since we had our falling out. In fact, Dumbeldore even made me head boy. And it's a NEWT year. You know, I could really use the library right now.”

Pince eyed his head boy badge skeptically. “The ban is for life.”

A little overzealous considering it wasn't like he was going to keep coming back to the Hogwarts library after this year. Unless he became a professor...she couldn't possibly ban him if he became a professor could she?

“I know I earned a lifelong ban, but I promise this year will be different,” he said beseechingly, angling his head so he could peer at her from beneath his lashes. He really should have thought to take his glasses off before this. “I won't even look at a girl or bring any contraband inside and Sirius is already banned, so he can't get me into trouble.”

“You're really head boy?”

“Yes, Madam. I had a complete turnaround. Never cause any mischief anymore. Really, I owe it all to you too. You banning me from the library made me wake up and realize I was throwing my life away. Thank you so much for everything. I can't believe I've never told you before. And please accept my apologies for any harm I've caused you or the books in the past.”

James was a little worried his speech had laid it on too thick. He was usually a good judge of how much flattery you could get away with before the mark got defensive, but he hadn't spoken to this woman in nearly two years! She was practically a stranger.

His doubts were unnecessary because, before his disbelieving eyes, Pince's cheeks darkened slightly with the hints of a blush. It wouldn't even be conceited to call him a god, honestly. He couldn't wait to brag to his mates about this one.

“No disruptions and don't even sneeze louder than a whisper,” Pince hissed, but really her blush negated the entire effect.

“On my honor,” James said solemnly.

With Pince's blessing, James soon found himself set up at a table and mucking through a Runes translation. The library was actually a pretty good place to get this sort of thing done, he mused. By the time he packed up to leave he had his Runes work complete and a start on his Charm's essay. And Evans acted like this whole swot thing was hard.

Tuesdays were his best days as he only had Transfiguration in the morning and then had until Quidditch to fuck about as he pleased. That the other Mauraders still had classes was a pain but he figured they should be finishing up about then and heading to Gryffindor tower.

He trotted off to meet them, saluting Pince on his way out and dutifully ignoring the girls who tried to catch his eye. Sure enough, he found all three of his closest friends lounging about the common room when he arrived. There were a few other Gryffindors about but they had given the Mauraders plenty of space, their dominion over the common room unquestioned.

“Wher've you been?” asked Peter.

“Just got back from the library,” James announced, plopping down on Remus's extended legs. His friend kicked him grumpily but adjusted so James had room on the couch, which had been his goal in the first place. Really, Remus should know better than to reward his bad behavior.

“Horse shit,” Peter said cheerfully from his own chair where he was flipping through a copy of the Daily Prophet. “You're banned for life.”

James' eyes lit up. He'd hoped they would take the bait. Bragging was never quite as fun when you had to lead into it too much.

“Not after me and dear Madam Pince had ourselves a little chat. Really just a bit of the famous charm and she was done for. She all but dropped to her knees and begged me to shag her silly,” James said, grinning devilishly.

“Eww,” Sirius moaned in disgust. “She's bloody shriveled. Can you keep your weird ass fantasies to yourself please?”

“She's barely fifty if a day!” And I didn't say I would shag her. Just that she clearly wanted it,” James protested.

“No one's judging your preference for mature women, Prongs,” Remus teased, taking that annoying innocent tone of his.

“Wankers all of you!” James bellowed. “But, anyway it's not a fantasy. I did talk my way out of the ban. You could probably do the same, Sirius, if you use a little smolder.”

“Not being able to enter the library really hasn't been much an issue for me,” Sirius laughed.

“What're you up to for the rest of the day?” Remus asked James.

“Dunno. I have Quidditch and head stuff to deal with later, but that's really it.”

“I'm meeting Ryan McLaggen after dinner for a smoke if you want to come,” Remus offered.

Since the summer, James wasn't sure if Remus had managed to go a day without getting high. As far as James was concerned, it was for the best. His friend had seemed to chill out a little about his condition since he started up. Besides, they'd never been the types of friends to try to steer each other away from their worst impulses. Only if Sirius was on a completely self-destructive bent might James get involved and even then there was the risk he'd join him instead.

“I'm eating with Reg today but I'm free after that,” Sirius said.

Whenever Sirius wanted to eat with his brother, they were forced to sit in the neutral territory that was the Ravenclaw table because neither was willing to cross sides and eat with the other's house. While Regulus was a Slytherin and therefore automatically a git, James figured he was mostly alright. Sirius certainly adored him and Regulus had stuck by his brother after their cunt-mother had disowned him, which counted for something.

“Yeah, I don't know, Moon. I'll let you know,” James said, going back to Remus's offer.

“I'll join,” Peter said.

“Alright,” Remus agreed.

He hid it well but James knew Remus was not pleased. Peter had a tendency to tweak out, growing shifty and paranoid after he smoked. He didn't even really enjoy it but kept trying to force himself in order to match his friends.

“So, I kind of did a stupid thing, and I figured I should let you know about it now,” James said, feeling awkward but knowing this would need to be addressed.

His friends shifted uncomfortably. Stupid coming from James could mean a lot of things.

“I may have accidentally bet Evans that we should switch places for a month. You know, she'll try and fail at being bad, and I'll play the pet and do my homework and that shite,” he explained.

“Accidentally?” Remus sputtered at the same time Peter whispered in horror “For a month?”

Sirius burst out laughing. “Oh, man, we need to get you a girlfriend immediately if you're going to do this.”

Peter kept muttering to himself, “Evans being bad,” as if he were trying out how it sounded.

“Remus, what do you think about setting Prongs up with the Ravenclaw seeker. She's fit,” Sirius suggested.

“Rin? Yeah that might work. We talk in Herbology, so I can ask her Thursday,” Remus agreed gamely.

“Not soon enough! This needs to be done tonight,” Sirius insisted.

James looked perplexed. “What the fuck? I don't need a girlfriend. Why do I suddenly need a girlfriend?”

All three of his mates gave him looks of mixed sympathy and amusement.

“James, you kind of lose perspective when it comes to Evans,” Peter said gently.

“You're going to see her – argue with her – everyday. It might be a bit smoother if you have a girlfriend to take the edge off,” Remus said urgently.

“What...that's stupid!”

“Mate, I'm not waiting forever to use the bloody bathroom while you toss off six times a day because you're worked up from arguing with Evans,” Sirius laughed.

“What's wrong with a healthy appreciation of the female form?” James demanded defensively. “And it's not like you don't take plenty of time in the shower, shithead.”

“Nothing is wrong except when it comes to her you're going to be impossible,” Sirius groaned.

“You once got hard over her socks,” Remus pointed out.

James gasped affronted. “They were those kinds that have those little frilly things at the ankles. Those are hot as hell.”

“And when you're dating Rin you can give her all the socks you want – knee highs, lacy, polka dots for all I care,” Sirius said.

James felt they were being entirely unfair. So he thought the bird was shaggable. He'd grown up since he was a fourth year who tracked her every move. He could have a conversation with her without dissolving into a puddle. Some people had no faith.

He told them as much.

“It's not like we don't get it,” Remus said kindly, which only made James want to punch him.

“I'm not sure I do,” Peter said.

Sirius agreed with Remus, “We all understand. She's fit. I'd shag her too. Just don't go crazy on us.”

“What do you mean you'd shag her?” James asked, completely ignoring Sirius's point. “We discussed this fourth year! I'd never move in on the girl you claimed and the same goes for you!”

Sirius looked at him like he was mad. “I picked Celestina Warbeck.”

“And?”

“I've never met Celestina Warbeck.”

“Well, you should have chosen better,” James said smugly.

“So you're saying there is no situation in which any of us could shag Lily Evans that wouldn't be in violation of the Maurader's code? None?” Remus asked.

James had the horrible suspicion that a game was about to be made at his expense.

“What if she came to me and said, 'Oh, Sirius, I want you so much, take me!' And I said, 'No, can do but you should try my mate, James.' And she said 'Never! I'll never want him but if you don't shag me right now I might die?'” Sirius asked, doing a terrible impression of Lily's voice.

“No!”

“What if she was naked?”

“Still no. Even more no!”

“That's just being unfair,” Sirius protested. “I tried to send her off to you first, didn't I? She wasn't having it.”

“What if we were locked in a broom cupboard together for twenty-four hours and we needed a way to pass the time?” Remus asked laughing.

“Conjure yourself a book. What kind of wizard are you?” James said hotly.

Peter jumped in next, “What if Evans had been poisoned by a badly brewed pepperup potion and one of her symptoms was she was going to die unless she had an orgasm at someone else's hand, and I was the only bloke around?”

That was met by stunned silence as Peter's scenario was too far-fetched for even Sirius.

“It's the plot of one of those romance novels McKinnon is always reading,” Peter explained sheepishly.

“What the bloody hell are those birds reading?” Sirius whispered fascinated.

“If Evans is ever poisoned and is going to die unless she has an orgasm and I'm not around, then you still can't shag her. You grab one of her girly mates and you tell them to put their tongue to work,” James said more loudly than intended.

Silence reigned again but judging by Peter's horrified expression, the cause was whoever was standing behind him. Resigned, James turned to meet his fate. Sure enough, Lily stood there staring at him like he'd grown a second head. Flanking her were Marlene and Mary. MacDonald seemed mightily tickled by his outburst and even McKinnon was grinning.

“Did you finish the book then, Pete?” Marlene asked. “I told you you'd like this one even if it wasn't quite as good as Discoveries beneath the Moon.”

Peter blushed thoroughly. “Yeah, the...writing is good.”

James couldn't blame Peter for wanting to keep this particular book club a secret from the rest of them. They had a tendency to take the mickey. Which, after Peter's traitorous display from earlier, James intended to do with relish once they were alone.

“What kind of books are you reading, McKinnon?” Sirius asked playfully, his eyes were sizing her up almost as if he'd never seen her before.

Turning tomato red, Marlene stammered “nothing” and ducked towards the stairs. She had a tendency to clam up around him and Sirius. It was weird because she wasn't at all hard to look at, yet she acted like an ugly girl too shy to talk to boys.

“I think I'll get to Divination a little early,” Lily said, sounding a bit shaken. While he would have rather Lily not heard his declaration, he supposed he was lucky she hadn't laughed in his face. He wasn't sorry to see the back of her as she crawled back out the portrait hole.

Mary waved her off before trailing after McKinnon. Mary was alright but it was almost eerie how she always shadowed McKinnon's every move. Honestly, Mary was a right bit more interesting that Marlene. It would have made more sense for Marlene to trail after her like a puppy than the current state of affairs. And that wasn't just jealousy talking. James had completely gotten over that Mary and Marlene had been voted the closest friends in Gryffindor over him and Sirius last year. It had obviously been a fluke.

“Well, you sure know how to clear a room,” Remus said laughing. “I've never seen three girls go running quite that fast.”

“That's because you're so handsome, dear. What girl in her right mind would run away from you?” James said.

“Quite a few I imagine if they knew the truth,” Remus said darkly, sucking most of the fun out of the room. “Oh relax, I'm just taking the piss at myself. You all really need to lighten up.”

The rest of them laughed nervously, aware that Remus would become angry if he thought they were making too big a deal of nothing. After years of refusing to even talk about his condition, he had begun to throw it in their faces as frequently as possible. James thought it was maybe liberating for him to make a joke of it now and again, but he was just as likely to laugh as to brood at his own words. It made James nervous.

They sat around chatting about their day for a bit longer. Ideas were exchanged for how they could torment Filch – Remus thought they had become boring, always relying on the same old tricks. Their banter was crude but kind and they managed to avoid any more uncomfortable moments.

In the back of his mind, James couldn’t stop thinking about his mates’ reactions to the bet though. He hadn’t expected them to approve. It was such a bloody bad idea that even they had to raise their eyebrows. Their reasons for concern were off though. They were supposed to bemoan how they would lose out on fun with their friend for a month, maybe give him a little ribbing on how Evans was going to steal his mantle. They were not supposed to worry about his ability to handle one absurdly tiny ginger witch.

Maybe he actually needed to commit himself to seeing this wager through. If he could win and keep his head for the entire month, his mates would have to swallow their tongues and admit that he was no longer the hormone-charged fool that had thrown himself before Lily’s limited mercy a thousand times in the past.

This was his last year at Hogwarts. He was trying not to think about it too much. The castle had become such a part of him that it was hard to picture his life outside its walls. When he left, it pained him to think that the castle would continue on forever unchanging while he was forgotten.

A legacy. That was what he needed. People should remember the name James Potter for years to come. He had already begun to lay the groundwork in little ways. He and the boys had begun planning some fantastic pranks that would blow everyone’s minds, but ensuring his legacy also meant tying up loose ends.

And Lily Evans was an end just dangling in front of his face. He had lost to her for years in one way or another. Defeating her in something would turn the tables and allow him to knot that end and forget all about it. Move on to other things.

So, he’d commit. He’d commit like no one had ever seen to this fucking bet. If Lily Evans thought a cute little stunt like her singing charm was going to be enough to beat James Potter, she was in for a very rude awakening.

Score  
Lily: 1 – James: 0

Final Tally  
Number of times James failed to consider someone else’s feelings: 2  
Number of times James misread Lily: 1  
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 0


	4. Chapter 4

Damn the weather was nice today. Had the castle been mysteriously transported to the south of France while no one was paying attention? Autumn in Scotland did not look like this.

James had Quidditch practice in an hour but he had trudged down to the pitch early to get in a personal workout beforehand. It never ceased to make him laugh when people thought that his toned body was a result of flying. What muscles were you moving on a broom? It’s not that Quidditch wasn’t a workout – it was – but it really isolated and worked a pretty small group of muscles in your arse and abs, your arms too if you were a chaser or beater. You could spend ninety hours a week playing Quidditch, and you still wouldn’t be cut if that was the entirety of your routine.

No, James had to work his ass off outside the sport like everyone else if he wanted to look good. To anyone who asked he insisted that his strict regimen was in the interest of the sport. The stronger you were, the better you would play. It was the truth too. He just didn’t feel the need to bring up that he was also a vain prick who liked to be fawned over. That dreamy look girls got when he took his shirt off was worth a couple hours of sweat a week.

As was his routine, James always started with the laborious task of running laps around the pitch until he was good and soaked with sweat.

It was on his third lap around that James noticed a figure sitting in the stands. At first he didn't think much of it as it was hardly unusual for a few fans to sit in on practices - or he should say try to sit in on practices. James was hardly going to allow an audience during training. When it came to Quidditch, you couldn't trust anyone. It also turned his players into cocky try-hards who were too busy showing off to focus on the game. One would think James would be sympathetic to the desire to put on a show for a few fans, but he really didn't have the time for that when it came to Quidditch.

As he rounded the corner near the stands, James saw that it was a pretty small boy who was watching James' every move. Even by the standards of Quidditch enthusiasts this was a little strange. So, James pulled up short in front of the kid, jogging in place a bit to keep his heart rate up.

"Alright there?" he shouted.

The boy all but leaped into the air in his shock at being addressed directly, before whipping around as if James could have been referring to anyone else. James supposed that this wasn't a boy who was used to receiving a lot of attention, especially from popular seventh years. He was scrawny even by first year standards and there was a pallor to his face that made him almost fade into the background.

"Erm, hello, sir!"

James drew back amused. No one had ever addressed him as 'sir' before. He rather liked it.

"What are you doing here?" James asked.

The kid shrugged awkwardly. "Just watching."

"You're not a spy are you?" James said suddenly suspicious.

"If I was a spy what would I have to tell my house? James Potter sometimes runs laps around the pitch. Ooh that's definitely the kind of intelligence that's going to decide the cup," the kid shot back surprisingly forcefully.

"Woah, woah, chill out," James said, waving his hands. "You can never be too sure about these things. What are you watching, then?"

The boy turned pink. "Sorry! Sorry! I shouldn't have snapped at you. I just…You're in pretty good shape, right?"

"Umm…I suppose."

"Well, I'm not. So, I was hoping that if I watched you, I'd get an idea of how to beef up a little," the boy explained.

It took a level of self-restraint James didn't know he possessed to not fall over laughing. This kid! James could hardly blame him for wanting to fill out a bit. One look and James knew that this was a boy who was a target for bullies. You could always tell the type. They got that kind of cagey look in their eye when they spoke to people like they weren't sure if their conversation was going to end with a hex.

"What's your name?" James asked.

"Bernie Bourgeois."

Oh sweet Merlin. This poor kid.

"You shitting me?" James demanded.

Bernie shook his head glumly. "No. My parents thought it was funny and well, they didn't pick our surname."

"Well, you're not going to get any better sitting in the stands. On your feet!" James ordered. Bernie, shocked and appalled, stumbled out of the stands. "We're just going to do a few more laps. Don't worry about keeping up because your legs are like a quarter the size of mine, yeah?"

"Ok," Bernie agreed.

They set off around the pitch, James immediately outstripping Bernie and the kid huffing-and-puffing along behind him.

Fuck James had hated being a first year. He remembered all too clearly the sick sense of dread that came along with knowing that someone else could drop you and there'd be nothing you could do to defend yourself. If an older kid decided he wanted to clean the Great Hall with your face, you weren't going to be able to fight your way out of it. It made you reliant on the kindness of others, which was completely unacceptable.

He'd arrived at Hogwarts almost as scrawny as Bernie - all knobby knees and skinny arms. Before he'd boarded the train, his father had leaned down and whispered advice in his ear so that his mother wouldn't hear the words. "You only have a week to establish yourself, kid. After that, everyone will already think they've got your number. Knock them dead early or get out of the game." James' mum would have been appalled, but her son had known the words to be true.

Befriending Sirius had come naturally, no artifice about it. They were just two boys who enjoyed a spot of fun and could make each other laugh. Strategically though, Sirius had made a great ally. He understood the Hogwarts pecking order in much the same terms as James and they'd together set off on "knocking them dead."

That first week they had chosen Snape as their target. He made a lot of sense as far as these things went. They hated him for starters. He was a Slytherin git who thought he was smarter than everyone else and had the terrible misfortune of smelling something rancid. He also was all but friendless. The other Slytherins weren't going to come to the defense of their newly-sorted half-blood. If a Potter and a Black decided to give him a hard time, the Slytherins figured it was their right. Snape was also an ideal target because he wasn't too pathetic. No one would have been impressed if they'd chosen to pick on Louis Vanellone, a kid so wimpy that he inspired the maternal instincts in every bird in sight. Snape was taller than James and Sirius both and had pretty substantial magical abilities for a first year, which meant he could fight back.

Armed with their combined knowledge of a whole three curses, Sirius and James had publicly humiliated Snape, locking his legs together so that he tipped over in his chair and coining his nickname 'Snivellus' for how pathetic he was when he sniffed about for help.

The effect was immediate. James and Sirius had successfully made clear to all of the other first years that they wouldn't be the kids getting bullied. If anything, everyone else had something to fear from them. They'd become popular nearly overnight within their year. After all, kids love power and there's something magnetic about a little dose of cruelty as long as it doesn't cross the line.

James groaned a little bit at the direction of his thoughts. He was becoming sappy with his old age if he could look at a kid like Bernie and see a comrade in spirit. Even at his worst, he had never been that bad.

After another three laps, James figured he'd had enough for now. Bernie had kept up surprisingly well and didn't seem too out of breath, which was good. Maybe years of running from bullies had kept him sharp. Regardless, James was just glad he wouldn’t have to focus on building the kid's endurance up too much because he tended to become bored with running pretty quickly himself and hadn't looked forward to endless, mind-numbing jogging every day.

"Ok, you did good," James said, lowering himself to the ground. "But that's just the warm-up. Now we're going to work on getting you some muscle."

Bernie's face spasmed between nerves and excitement at the prospect.

"Can you do a pushup?" James asked.

He seemed to think about it for a moment before answering, "Yeah."

"Well, then, show me. And none of those girly half-things either," James ordered.

Bernie lowered himself into the proper push-up position. James was relieved he wouldn't have to show the kid how to get started. With a deep breath, he lowered himself to the ground and then kind of dropped. His skinny arms were quivering as he tried to force himself up again but he hardly rose an inch.

"I can't do it," Bernie wailed despondently.

James ran a hand through his hair as he considered. "Ok, maybe you can try the girly pushup this time, yeah. We've all got to start somewhere. So, um…lower your knees to the ground and just push up and down with your arms."

Sullenly, Bernie did as instructed. He seemed annoyed with James for suggesting he lower himself to such an offensive modification, but James was right. There was really nothing to do until he built up a little arm strength. It wasn't like Hogwarts had a weight room he could send the kid off to. There were a few students who brought weights with them from home that may be willing to share with their friends - James made his team work out with weights borrowed from their beater, Henrick Higgles, at least once a week and he personally tried to do a bit of weight training with Ethan North, a sixth year Gryffindor, at least twice a week besides that - but something told James that these generous folks would be less inclined to share with a bratty first year. Besides, if James passed Bernie a thirty-pound dumbbell, he would probably just collapse.

"You've got to brush your chest to the floor or it doesn't count," James instructed sternly. "And keep those elbows locked. You should feel it in your arms not your back."

Bernie took his suggestions but seemed annoyed about it. Honestly, James wasn't sure why he was even bothering at this point. The kid was a spoiled brat. Every time he glanced away, Bernie would try to cheat his way through his pushup.

After maybe a dozen it became clear that Bernie didn't have much more left in him.

"Ok, ok. You can stop. Do that every day and you'll be able to work your way up to something better."

"My arms feel like jelly," Bernie said.

James smiled a bit at that. "That's a good thing. It shows you're doing it right."

Figuring he'd done his due diligence for the moment, James started into his own set of push-ups - which were decidedly better than Bernie's had been.

"What do I do now?" Bernie asked.

James gave a half shrug, while lifting himself up on his arms. "You can count for me I guess. I'll do twenty and then we'll move on Ok."

Suddenly peppy as can be, Bernie popped up to watch James as he started his routine in earnest. They continued on in that fashion for the better part of an hour with James teaching Bernie a modified version of his normal workout and then Bernie would count his reps when he was finished. By the end, the kid was sprawled out on the grass looking like he couldn't remember how to operate his body properly. He also looked truly ecstatic.

"You're not nearly as scary as everyone says you are," Bernie said.

James stopped mopping the sweat off his brow. He wasn't sure if he should be more offended that people were scared of him or that this kid wasn't.

He settled on saying, "I'm plenty scary to people who deserve it."

"Who deserves to be scared?" Bernie asked.

"People who are annoying or full of themselves, anyone who hurts my friends, Slytherins. There are probably a lot more people I can't think of at the moment. You have to evaluate these things on a case by case basis," James explained.

Bernie stared at the ground as he processed James words.

"I don't think I'd like to scare anybody," he said quietly.

Feeling uncomfortable, James just shrugged and picked at some of the grass. You couldn't expect an eleven-year-old to understand how the world worked. After all, James had only been mentoring him for all of an hour. Give him a few weeks at least.

"I'll be on the pitch tomorrow morning at six before breakfast. I know it's early, but I expect you to be here when I arrive," James said.

"Wait! You're going to work with me again?" Bernie gasped.

"You still need it. You'll probably kill yourself without a little help," James said, trying to pretend it wasn't a big deal when he knew it was. "Don't make too much of it, yeah."

He hadn't even really meant to offer his time. His daily workout was something he cherished because it gave him a chance to be alone - to really focus on his body and mind without any distractions. He didn't even let the other Mauraders join him - not that they were interested in maintaining his level of fitness, the lazy bastards.

Still, working out with Bernie hadn't been annoying at all. He'd known when to keep his mouth shut, and he genuinely seemed to need James' help. Plus, he had that whole shocked adoration thing going, which didn't exactly hurt James' ego. No, he wouldn't mind a little company once and a while.

Bernie scrambled off, cheerful as you please, now that he was dismissed. By dinner, James was expecting there would be a line of eager first through third years begging him to offer the same charity. No kid could keep his mouth shut about getting to hang out with a popular seventh year. It just wasn’t how they were wired. Depending on his mood, James might even accommodate some of them, but he already knew that Bernie Bourgeois was going to be his special project. It wouldn’t hurt the kid if his peers realized that James was giving him special favors either. Maybe they’d think he saw something in Bernie that they had missed.

His team started to trickle in shortly after. Practice went as well as could be expected. The team had lost three members to graduation last year. Replacing them had been the worst part of his captaincy so far. Louis Franklin was a decent beater – his aim was sometimes off but he could all but punch a hole through whoever he swung at, so as long as he didn’t accidentally hit someone on Gryffindor he was worth it. Their new seeker, Thalia Nickels, was a fourth year and as a result still mastering the sport, but she weighed all of 40 kilograms and was flash on a broom. She may struggle to spot the snitch but no one stood a chance if she did.

The problem was the third chaser. Merlin did he despise Erik Carmichael. He had performed alright at tryouts, definitely the best of the wretched showing, but he was a mess at practice. James was beginning to suspect he might be allergic to the quaffle considering the number of times he had dropped it into enemy hands. Then, there was the attitude! The prat thought he was the saving grace of the team and always had helpful suggestions as to how the other members could improve.

One of the most important qualities of a chaser is teamwork. You have to move as a seamless unit with your two counterparts. This quality was the reason James hadn’t just begged Sirius, who could fly extraordinarily well, to take the position. He knew that Sirius would bugger it up when he had to work with the third chaser, Eliza Greenberg.

Even Sirius couldn’t be a bigger git than Carmichael though and that was really saying something. He and Eliza came dangerously close to blows during practice when Carmichael suggested that maybe Eliza’s flying would improve if she lost a bit of the weight around her hips, and James was beginning to suspect the beaters were purposefully aiming for him. There were only so many times he could buy that they had just lost control of the bludgor, especially since it kept coming straight at Carmichael’s head.

At this rate, Carmichael probably wouldn’t score once in their first match and worse would distract the rest of the team and drag down their performance. James really should just make Bernie the new Gryffindor chaser. He at least wouldn’t get in the way or run the risk of being fouled by a teammate.

Despite the testing practice, James was still in a shockingly good mood as he made his way to Gryffindor Tower to change for dinner. He couldn’t quite place where his happiness was coming from. Nothing particularly great had happened to him so far, and he’d barely seen his friends. For Merlin’s sake, he’d studied! Good reasons aside, he was maybe a step away from whistling a jaunty tune.

He found Mary sitting by herself in the Common Room, repeatedly stabbing her quill through a sheet of parchment. Those kinds of dramatics wouldn’t have even registered to him coming from someone else – Gryffindors were a dramatic lot – but from Mary it was the equivalent of flinging herself off the Astronomy Tower. Common sense told him to walk away because. An angry MacDonald was probably the most dangerous thing in the castle or the Forbidden Forest, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it.

“Alright there, Mary?” James asked, sitting down next to her. “Or do you need some help slaying the fearsome parchment?”

Mary stopped her attack to scowl at him. Really what was it with girls and glaring at him lately? Weren’t they supposed to think him wonderful?

“Sometimes stabbing something is cathartic,” Mary told him shortly.

“Can’t argue with that. I mean, I usually just punch the problem in the face or hex it depending on the level of stealth I’m aiming for,” James agreed.

Mary relaxed a little bit at his response as if she had just realized he wasn’t going to judge her for her violence. He’d have to be the biggest bloody hypocrite in Britain if he did.

It wasn’t an exaggeration that James believed the cause of his problems should suffer right alongside him tenfold. Punching holes into a piece of parchment really didn’t rate as particularly hostile or concerning for him.

“You coming to dinner?” James asked.

“Yeah, I’m coming,” Mary sighed.

James moved to stand up but stopped when Mary continued. “I just…do you ever think about how much our houses define us?”

Oh no. Oh bloody hell. James realized he had just opened himself up to a conversation about feelings with an emotional witch and wanted nothing more than to run screaming from the room. These conversations usually ended with him in trouble. His comforting skills were appalling as Remus always reminded him. He apparently did not take other people’s problems seriously enough and had a terrible way of dismissing and offending them.

“I don’t know. The hat puts you where you belong,” James said cagily.

“We were eleven when we were sorted. Eleven. I don’t know about you, but I’m nothing like who I was at eleven. Well, actually, I suppose you are a bit still like you were at eleven, aren’t you? But you’re an odd case,” Mary said.

“I’ve grown plenty since eleven!” James said in mock outrage. “At eleven I only thought about Quidditch and trying to make Filch cry. Now I think about Quidditch, making Filch cry, and sex.”

Mary laughed before continuing more seriously, “I always think about what it’s like for the other houses. You hear it all the time here, everyone’s always worrying about whether their brave enough or not. I swear, no one else worries over being cowardly as much as Gryffindors do. It’s everyone’s biggest fear, but do you think that Ravenclaws sit around worrying that they’re not clever enough? Do Hufflepuffs castigate themselves every time they have a little fight with a friend about what a shit person they are?”

“Probably, but that’s because those are the things that matter the most to them. That’s why they were sorted there in the first place,” James said, feeling that his answer was inadequate but not sure what else to say.

“I think I’d be happy if I were in Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw. I would know that I was good in the things that mattered and that would be that. Instead…the sorting hat has one sick sense of humor,” Mary said quietly.

James didn’t like the insinuation that Mary was unhappy. She wasn’t one of his best mates, but she was a friend all the same. You couldn’t spend all that class time together and live in the same tower without developing some kind of relationship. Mary was the clever one who could drink her weight in firewhisky and helped cover for him if he was about to be caught in some hijink with a brilliant excuse. She was a part of Gryffindor. It wouldn’t be the same if she was in Ravenclaw.

He told her as much.

“That’s thoughtful of you, James,” she said. “Don’t worry. I’m just being maudlin. It’s the weather. I always get like this.”

James didn’t feel it smart to point out that it was a gorgeous, sunny day.

“I’m going to get changed and then we should head to dinner, yeah. Buck up, MacDonald,” James ordered brightly.

“Yeah, sure,” Mary agreed.

By the time he was changed and ready to go, Mary was back to her normal self. Her face was impassive, and she made a few jabs at his expense. It was as normal as things got, so James hoped she was over whatever had her so worked up in the first place.

Maybe he wasn’t so bad at this comforting business after all. He should try to hunt down some crying witches later to test his newfound empathy. Sirius would be delighted. He complained that James made a terrible wing man in those situations by bolloxing the whole thing up and turning a witch’s needy tears to irate ones. James thought that Sirius should maybe just stop trying to pick up vulnerable girls instead of maligning James’ skills as a wingman.

Dinner was standard fare except for the fact that they had to make due without Sirius. Mary all but apparated away to join her friends, and they carried on as usual.

Tuesday nights, James knew Lily spent in the heads offices working on whatever convoluted project she had imagined up for herself to feel important. He had never before joined her. Still, his resolution that he was going to make a serious go of being head boy and knock that damned smirk off Evans face meant that he had no choice but to head there after dinner. He was beginning to remember why he had been uninterested in this wager before. Legacies? Who the fuck cared about those. He was seventeen! There was plenty of time for that when he was old and gray.

Remus stopped him as he was gathering his things to leave, “Wait! Where are you going?”

“Heads’ office to work on some stuff,” James grumbled unhappily.

“We were going to set you up with Rin,” Peter said. “We told her you’d have a few minutes to chat after dinner.”

“You guys were serious about that?” James asked.

“Of course. Not like you to say no to a fit girl, regardless of the reasons we’re throwing her at you,” Remus cajoled.

Rin Iwate was fit, he conceded. She also was pretty brilliant and could talk about Quidditch until even he became bored with the subject. This made her pretty desirable in the eyes of just about every bloke at Hogwarts. They’d gotten on pretty well in the past, but he’d never really tried to get closer because she was the enemy and James had a tendency to obsess over Quidditch. Gryffindor wouldn’t be playing Ravenclaw until the third match of the season though, so he’d have some time before that became an issue.

“I really don’t have time right now, but tell her I’m sorry and I’ll talk to her later,” James decided.

“Can we tell her that you want to meet her in the trophy room on Thursday around eight?” Remus asked.

James grimaced. “Try to make it sound like I’m not just trying to snog-attack her, but yeah. If she wants to meet up Thursday, I can make that work.”

“What’s wrong with a snog-attack?” Peter grinned.

“It makes girls feel cheap. You have to talk to them a bit first,” Remus said drily.

“Right, I’m off, lads,” James announced. “Be good boys while I’m gone. Though Wormtail maybe you’ll want to try out a little snog-attack of your own. See if Remus is right about all this talking business. Purely for scientific purposes, of course.”

Remus rolled his eyes even as Peter’s grin widened to epic proportions. “I’ll present my findings when you get back.”

He headed off to the heads’ offices, hoping not to run into Rin on the way. There was no way she would buy his excuse that he had head boy business to work on as anything but a blow off. She didn’t know about his wager, and he wouldn’t blame her if she thought that was a load of cock. Honestly, who would have ever thought James Potter wouldn’t have time to chat up a bird because he had responsibilities?

When James arrived, Lily was nowhere in sight. He wasn’t entirely sure where to start without her guidance, so he settled in at the desk and put his feet up. While he had never bothered to attend one of these unofficial meetings before, Lily had given him a standing invitation the first day of term as they rode the Hogwarts Express. He was welcome to come anytime he liked if he was willing to actually do some work. For obvious reasons, he had never felt inclined to come until now.

As James sat, mulling over thoughts of the day, the time ticked by until James was forced to confront the fact that Lily was late, and while James hardly expected her to come rushing to a meeting with him, he still thought it was a little out of character. She was the punctual sort.

He wondered if this was a symptom of that fucking bet. Maybe she was just lingering outside the Head's office, making him wait because it struck her as something he'd do.

Well, she was a fucking idiot for thinking so. James was only ever late with a good reason. To make someone wait just to seem cool was the height of pathetic. He stuck his head outside the door to tell the bint just that, but the hall was empty. He ducked back into the office quickly, a little ashamed of himself. He'd actually convinced himself that he'd find her standing there.

Choosing not to sulk over Lily being a whole fifteen minutes late, he decided to get a head start on their work. He figured he could knock out the prefects' rounds schedule in all of five minutes. It always took Lily the better part of an hour to configure, but he figured she over-analyzed it to death with that over-sized brain of hers.

He sorted through the desk to find the list that had all of the prefects listed. Yeah there were only twenty-four total, but he could never keep track of all of their names – too many fifth years and Hufflepuffs. Those types just slipped his mind.

Using his wand, he enchanted the list to rearrange so that male and female prefects were listed on opposite sides of the parchment. He then drew random lines across the columns to assign the pairs. The only real consideration he gave the matches was making sure none of the Gryffindor girls would be forced to tolerate a Slytherin and that Remus was put with Audrey Pratt because the sixth year was extremely shaggable and could prattle on about her rare book collection, which was the kind of shit Moony ate up. In past years the prefects had just been paired by corresponding house and year, but Lily had started off her term as head girl with a dizzyingly long speech about house unity and had retired the tradition.

Once that was done, he began randomly slotting the pairs into different time brackets for the month. With wicked amusement, he took extra care to put Quidditch players from rival houses in time slots that he thought might conflict with their practices. Sabotage was so expected in Quidditch that it could hardly be classified as cheating, he justified.

Done! It had taken him seven minutes – which made Lily 22 minutes late, not that he was counting – and the list looked no different than Lily's normally did.

With that finished, James realized he wasn't entirely sure what else Lily got up to. Dumbledore had explained their duties as heads in depth in the letter he sent informing them of their positions, but James had barely skimmed it. He'd been too busy marveling at the badge and trying to doge his mother's overzealous kisses. It made him smile a bit to himself to remember just how proud his mother had been of the news. There hadn't been that moment of disbelief that everyone else displayed when they'd found out. No, his mum had instantly accepted that her son was deserving of the honor.

Lost in thought, James twiddled about the Golden Snitch he had taken to carrying around in his pocket. He'd become adept at maneuvering the ball quickly through his spread fingers and then popping it up into the air from the space between his fore and ring fingers before catching it in the same hand.

“You still have that thing,” Lily said, having arrived while James was distracted.

“I use it to flirt with the ladies. You know, in case they forget what a brilliant Quidditch star I am,” James retorted without a second's hesitation.

Lily looked like she was actually considering taking his statement at face-value. Always quick to believe the worst, that Evans. She settled for rolling her eyes and settling in the seat across from him.

“A bit later than we agreed on,” James said, aiming for casual and falling a bit short.

“Sorry,” Lily said, biting her lip. James basked in the apology. It was so rare for Evans to be the one in the wrong. “I got a bit caught up.”

James noticed for the first time that she looked a bit tousled, something that should have caught his eye immediately since she usually looked perfect. Her robes were wrinkled and her once immaculate hair looked unstylishly mussed. His mind darkened at the possibilities that raced through it.

“Snog on your own time,” he ordered.

“It wasn't anything like that! Things just didn't go as smoothly in the setup as I'd expected,” Lily said cagily. “And why does everyone keep accusing me of snogging someone.”

“If I had to guess, I'd wager it's the sex hair,” James said. He wanted to interrogate her on what she was planning but knew that would only earn him a lecture on minding his own business, so he held his tongue.

Lily colored instantly. James wondered if she was thinking back to what he'd said in the common room that morning. She was shamefully easy to unsettle.

“You people only ever think about one thing,” she said huffily.

“Well, now that we've cleared up where you've been, doing Merlin knows what with who, can we get down to business?” James asked.

Lily really could pull off outrage well, James thought.

“Pursuant to our agreement, you're responsible for all of this. I really only stopped by to gloat,” Lily said as primly as one could while trying to lord over someone else.

“Hate to disappoint, but everything's going fine. I've already finished up the rounds assignments and was just about to move on to...other stuff,” James said.

“Other stuff?” Lily said, raising an eyebrow.

“Er, yes, I was just about to deal with these,” James said, grabbing a stack of parchment from an open desk drawer.

Lily looked suspicious but didn't laugh in his face, so he figured he couldn't be too far off the mark.

“Alright but remember you have to take them seriously,” Lily said.

“They don't make them more serious than me,” James said with a smirk.

Lily perused the rounds schedule, while he read the first page of the stack.

I think it's wrong that the centaurs have to sleep outside in the winter. It's so cold! We should invite them inside at night. They could sleep in the great hall! Or we could knit them blankets in care of magical creatures.  
Evie Thomas, 2nd year Hufflepuff

James blinked hard trying to process what the fuck he had just read. Was it a riddle? It read like something from the funny pages.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” James asked, his confusion overwhelming his earlier pride.

“You're supposed to answer it,” Lily said.

When he continued to stare at her blankly, she continued. “I knew you were full of it. Basically, there's a drop box outside the Great Hall, you have to have noticed it before. No? Well, anyway, students can drop off suggestions or requests for conflict resolution in the box and we'll get around to answering them.”

“So I just need to write what I think of this idea,” James clarified.

“Nicely, but yes. We then have the responses delivered by owl. If it's a good idea, we'll bring it up for discussion in the next prefect meeting and if it's a request for conflict resolution, we'll either mail back advice or schedule a time to sit down with the parties involved,” Lily explained.

“Sounds simple enough. Dear, Evie Thomas,” James orated as he scribbled his reply. “You sound like a very nice girl. The centaurs would probably stomp on your head if you tried to give them a blanket though. Also, they have fur to keep them warm. Keep being such a sweetheart. Forever yours, James Potter – Head Boy.”

“You can't send that,” Lily said but she was smiling. It wasn't a full smile. He still couldn't see her teeth, but his stomach clenched a little all the same, knowing he had been the cause.

“My letter is perfectly nice and more importantly, true. Better a reality check now than finding her trampled in the Forbidden Forest someday,” James shrugged.

“I don't think the centaurs would trample a twelve-year-old,” Lily said shaking her head, but she didn't move to stop him when he sealed up his letter, so he figured he'd won that argument and moved on to the next suggestion.

Can you please change the dress code so we don't have to wear robes to class anymore? They're ridiculous and hot in the summer. Flowy fabric that trails the floor should not be mandatory. Hate to break it to you, but us muggleborns think you look silly.  
Anonymous

James wrote:

Dear Anonymous,  
Part of the fun of Hogwarts is that it is steeped in wizarding tradition dating back centuries. You should try to accept these differences.  
James Potter – Head Boy  
P.S. I've found most of the student body here to look silly regardless of what they're wearing. Cheers!

He read his response aloud to Lily and this time she laughed a little bit.

“You know though, I don't entirely disagree with our Mister Anonymous. Robes really do seem absurd, like something out of a picture book. I've always thought so,” Lily mused.

“Do you think we should make the recommendation at the next prefect meeting?” James asked eagerly, completely switching his stance on the topic.

“Hmm, I think it lies outside our jurisdiction to tamper with the dress code, and like you said, it's part of the Hogwarts tradition,” Lily said uncertainly.

“I guess you're right -”

“But then again, change isn't always a bad thing! The wizarding world is far too slow to adapt, which is hardly a quality of a healthy society. You have to introduce youth to change young, or they’ll panic at they’ll remain resistant to even beneficial changes their entire lives…We'd need to come up with rules about what's appropriate – I'm retching just thinking about what some people might try to pass off as acceptable, but that's doable,” Lily said avidly.

James found himself staring at how her eyes had lit up as she brainstormed. Everyone thought James' interest in Lily was limited to getting into her knickers seeing as how often they fought one another. Sometimes James even convinced himself that he didn't much care for her as a person. But this right here was why he had first really noticed her and eventually come to admire her.

Lily was just so ruddy passionate beneath all the cool perfection. She talked in sweeping concepts and made big plans and never stopped trying to understand everything around her. In comparison, the rest of them looked like apathetic losers. They were flubberworms to her chimera.

Never once had James thought about how he could change the wizarding world. He limited his impact to his friends, family, and peers. If anything, he benefited from the old way of doing things. James couldn't picture Lily marching off to battle, but he figured this was what made her a Gryffindor. That this was a different kind of bravery.

James, of course, didn't say any of this to Lily.

“You should definitely bring it up then, and I'll give you my full support. Whatever you need,” James offered.

“Thanks, Potter,” Lily said quietly, as if she was surprised at his kindness. “We'll have to draw up a plan before we move forward, but I'll think on it.”

James ripped his old response in half, pretending to himself that he hadn't done it just so Lily would smile again.

From that point on, James would read each suggestion aloud to Lily and then compose his wittiest response. Occasionally, she'd nag at him until he dulled his words a bit or she'd offer an opinion on the feasibility of an idea, but she mostly just laughed. It was the most relaxed she'd ever been around him.

James snickered a little as he read one suggestion.

WE SHOULD HAVE A BALL!!!  
Marlene McKinnon, 7th year, Gryffindor

“She drops that one in every week,” Lily said drolly. “I think she must have the box spelled because I've never seen her put a suggestion in, but it's like clockwork.”

“She's a funny girl,” James said.

“She's ridiculous is what she is, but yeah, she's also really wonderful,” Lily said.

Dearest Marlene,  
Your suggestion will be taken into consideration. A piece of advice: your ball will be more highly received by the committee if you can convince Lily Evans to attend with James Potter.

“You're ridiculous!” Lily screeched, trying to pry the parchment away from him.

“Yours truly, James Potter!” James shouted over her protests before stuffing his response into an envelope. He licked the seal exaggeratedly while Lily scowled.

“Lighten up, Evans. It's just a joke,” he said.

The mood had been killed though. Lily wasn't sending him death glares, but she was no longer smiling. Their unexpected truce had been doomed from the start. Something was always going to come along and kill it. James figured a transition was needed before they ended up at each other’s throats again.

“You've already caught me out so there's no use pretending. I don't have a bloody clue what head boys do. I suppose you could refuse to tell me what with the bet and all, but fair play and all that, yeah,” James said.

Lily rolled her eyes. “You're so incompetent. You've already been head boy for a month!”

“And you told me you'd handle everything yourself. Sorry I didn't know I was supposed to duel you to share a few tasks,” James snarled.

Lily opened her mouth to say something undoubtedly ugly but swallowed it back with a grimace. “As head boy, you'll also need to tally the house point counts and update the hour glasses in the Great Hall – I like to do that right before curfew so that they're accurate for breakfast. You have to coordinate the Hogsmeade trips with Mr. Filch. There's a writing assistance program for students that struggle to write their essays in accordance with their grade level, so you'll have to edit their essays for grammar and spelling. There are actually quite a few of those. Hogwarts provides a really appalling English education. And then you just have to plan special events. Halloween is this month, so you'll want to brainstorm decoration ideas for that and you remember we have to organize something for Dumbledore. Everything else you should be familiar with.”

James was left gaping. “That actually sounds like a lot. And don't the hourglasses automatically add or subtract house points? You haven't been making up extra work for yourself, have you? Or are you rigging the Cup? Lily Evans, you absolute cheater!”

“Oh, keep quiet. The Slytherin prefects tried to take a million points from Gryffindor three years ago. Since then, the Heads have to review all points deductions. Only the professors' are automatic,” Lily explained.

“One million points,” James said flabbergasted. “That sounds like something I would do. I can't believe I have something in common with a Slytherin.”

“I don't know. Abuse of authority certainly seems in character for you,” Lily said cheekily.

“I guess I'll get started on the points then,” James said miserably.

“I'll be heading out. I really didn't mean to stay this long,” Lily said, rising to her feet.

James was struck by the realization that Lily Evans had just willingly spent time with him. Yes, he'd been hard at work, but she'd just been enjoying his company.

Lily paused at the door when James spoke next, “Evans, I really appreciate the help.”

Lily looked rather guilty at the praise. Strange.

“It was nothing. Don't mention it,” Lily said.

After she left, James found that his work moved along a lot less pleasantly.

Score  
Lily: 2 – James: 1

Final Tally  
Number of times James failed to consider someone else’s feelings: 0  
Number of times James misread Lily: 4  
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 2


	5. Oct 5: Of Mistakes, Public and Personal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is definitely my favorite chapter so far. Not a lot of James/Lily interaction but the follow-up chapter more than makes up for it. Enjoy!

Lily was refusing to get out of bed. Unlike most mornings where Lily woke up begrudging and resentful that her sleep had been interrupted, today Lily felt a sense of serenity as if every minute she spent with her eyes closed was worth cherishing. The heavy softness of the blankets pressing against her legs made her feel safe and relaxed.

Her peace was doomed, however, as Alice had been trying to get Lily out of bed for the past several minutes. As Lily had obstinately refused to move, Alice had been escalating her efforts. Sleepily, Lily thought to herself how lucky she was that Alice was a pureblood and didn’t know about the dumping-a-bucket-of-water-on-the-sleeper’s-head trick.

“Levicorpus,” Lily heard Alice incant.

Lily screamed in protest but it was too late, the spell had already dragged her body out of the coziness of her bed and flipped her into the air so that she hung inverted by her ankle. The cold air assaulted her skin and caused her to break out in goose pimples.

“Gee, Evans, put some clothes on, will ya,” Alice snorted as she was confronted with Lily’s very naked form.

Lily was hot with embarrassment. She was comfortable with her body as teenage witches went, but she was hardly okay with this level of exposure. Alice released the spell, dropping Lily into a pile on the bed where she scrambled to cover up as much as possible.

“It was hot last night,” Lily defended.

She considered telling Alice off for her actions but figured she’d just take any accusation of rudeness as a compliment. Besides, Lily didn’t want Alice to judge her a harpy who couldn’t take a joke.

“There’s only an hour left for breakfast and the rest of the girls have already gone down,” Alice informed her. “They tried to wake you, but you weren’t budging.”

The mention of breakfast reminded Lily of just what she had set up for her classmates this morning. Her gut sank picturing the fallout that was sure to come. This prank was a bit much even by Marauders’ standards. Maybe it wasn’t too late to back out. After all, Lily had made sure _it_ was well hidden in a broom cupboard no one would likely open between now and when Lily could move it.

“Lily, we have to get to the Great Hall to start,” Alice said excitedly as she tossed a jumper and jeans at Lily. “This is going to be so great. Honestly, Lily, this may be my favorite thing you’ve ever done.”

That cemented it. There was no way to bow out that would pass Alice’s standards. She knew she should have just gotten the thing herself, but she hadn’t been sure if it would be temperamental (it had), and Alice had been the only one of the girls who could help. The other Gryffindors had been left completely in the dark. Even now, they were eating their breakfasts, unaware that their morning was about to be terribly disturbed.

“Give me ten minutes,” Lily ordered.

“You hardly have to pretty yourself up for this,” Alice said, but Lily ignored her.

It would take a life-threatening emergency to get Lily out of their dorm without any makeup. Alice could complain about how such things were superficial and didn’t matter until she was blue in the face because Lily lived in the real world. And in the real world, boys were shallow and ninety percent of girls wore makeup because why wouldn’t you want to look your best?

She used a spell to plait her hair, feeling the pull at her scalp, but applied her makeup the muggle way. No matter how much the magazines swore by beauty glamours, Lily just didn’t trust them like she did her own steady hand. Lily was a veteran with her eyelash curler, teasing the lashes out before applying several coats of mascara. She kept the eyeliner light enough that a boy might mistake it for her natural face – boys were idiots about these things – and made her lips a shiny pink with gloss. She did concede to using a spell to make her skin look more even since foundation made her breakout and having the skin-tone that came along with red hair made it nearly impossible to cover the dark circles beneath her eyes in the natural way.

Make-up had always been something she shared with Petunia. When they were girls, it was all nail polish and eye shadow with cartoons on the containers. The older they got, the less time Petunia had for her sister, but she would still let Lily “put on her face” as she called it. Lily remembered the last time they had been truly happy together. Petunia had wanted her help preparing for her first date with her current boyfriend, Vernon Dursley. She had felt so content as she rubbed rouge into Petunia’s pale cheeks and when Petunia had asked how she looked, Lily could only whisper: beautiful.

Deeming herself ready, Lily packed away her makeup and any thoughts about that last night with Petunia. Dwelling would only make her depressed.

Alice and Lily left together. Alice practically strutting with the knowledge of what was to come and Lily trying to disguise her nerves. They stopped off at the broom closet to collect _it,_ and it followed far more contentedly than when they’d stolen – erm borrowed – it the night before.

The next part would be the trickiest. They’d have a very narrow window during which they had to smuggle it into the Great Hall without any of the professors noticing and then unleash it upon the unsuspecting breakfasters. Lily removed its leash just outside the door so that she could feign ignorance when they were (inevitably) caught.

Deep breaths, Lily prepped herself.

Then, they were pushing into the hall, single-file with Alice in the front and the thing sandwiched between them. Lily checked to make sure the doors had securely closed behind them. Hidden by Alice’s larger figure, Lily pulled out a silver whistle from her pocket and blew.

For most of the students, the effect was not immediate. They couldn’t hear the whistle since it sounded at far too high a frequency for human ears – though Lily did notice Sirius Black strangely clasp his hands to his ears and look about wildly. No, very few students saw what was wrong.

You see, some animals reacted wildly to high-pitched noises and thestrals were one of them.

Alice had to dive out of the way as the beast beat its enormous wings and began to flail. Drifting into a corner where she hoped no one would be looking, Lily puffed on her whistle a few more times for good measure before stuffing it back into her pocket.

The thestral went mad.

It flew straight into the Ravenclaw table, scattering plates and utensils to the floor. Everyone looked confused and more than a few people glanced in Potter’s direction, suspecting his crowd to be responsible. An errant wing knocked a third-year straight off his seat and the thestral directly collided with Rafael Prewett who was a fifth year prefect. He promptly began screaming at the hot breath in his face.

Lily collected Alice up off the floor and pulled her toward the Gryffindor table. It was hard to know what acting natural looked like in this situation. They couldn’t look directly at the thestral, but they could hardly pretend to be uninterested with the bowl of oatmeal that had just been up-ended on a Ravenclaw’s head either.

It was apparent that several of the professors were familiar with what death looked like as they were shouting and running toward the beast. All of their spells seemed to bounce off the rampaging thestral and it was then that Lily realized her mistake. She had assumed it would be easy for the professors to subdue the thestral.

It wasn’t. It really, really wasn’t.

“Someone fetch Kettleburn or Hagrid!” McGonagall shouted as the thestral moved its reign of terror toward the Slytherin table.

When the thestral landed heavily on the table, it actually cracked under the weight and caved in the middle. All of the table’s contents slid to the gap.

“Are we under attack?” someone shrieked hysterically.

The Slytherins were doing a much better job for their part in getting away from the wreckage. It looked like a good number of them could actually see the thestral – Severus among them – and were hurriedly pulling the younger students out of the line of fire.

The thestral flew into the air and began circling high above everyone’s heads. Curses shot from the professors’ wands, but it seemed unaffected. Lily could see the wild look in its eyes that indicated it could feel the curses even if they weren’t working.

The chaos at this point was unbelievable. The noise was nonstop as kids screamed in fear and demanded to know what was happening. Lily had chosen the thestral because she thought it would be funny to watch as everyone else scrambled to figure out what was happening. The invisibility had been the point. Fear of the invisible was something far more intense than Lily had anticipated, however. It wasn’t funny at all to watch the way paranoia was gripping the student body. Even the Gryffindors, so eager to tout their bravery to the world, were having trouble facing off against an invisible assailant.

Suddenly, the thestral dive-bombed them, knocking Lily’s beloved Professor Flitwick to the ground. Unwilling to give away that she had seen it, Lily forced herself to remain still even as it swooped towards her and the other Gryffindors. It was like playing chicken – chicken with a three-hundred pound, flying lizard as your opponent. Her stomach clenched in fear.

“Duck!” A fourth year Gryffindor screamed, seeing it near.

Lily didn’t need to be told twice, flinging herself down and covering her head. She felt a warm body beside her and looked up to see James Potter had covered her body with his own. She hadn’t been aware of him in all of the chaos, so she was startled to see him.

When food and dishware began to rain down from the table, he took the brunt of it for her.

He smelled like cinnamon. The thought popped into her head, and Lily realized she had officially gone mad.

Though didn’t they say people noticed the strangest things when their bodies were pumping adrenaline? Lily could only hope that was the reason for the direction of her thoughts or she needed to be immediately checked into Mungo’s.

“Daisy!” Came the rough voice of Hagrid, the assistant grounds keeper. “Easy girl!”

The man coaxed the thestral toward him and it – Daisy – seemed to respond to the familiar voice by beating its wings less erratically. Hagrid held a lasso in one hand and his other was outstretched in a reassuring fashion. Blessedly, it only took one try to get the rope around the thestral’s neck. Daisy reared back a bit at the betrayal, but Hagrid was able to keep a firm grip. Pretty anticlimactically, Hagrid led it out of the Great Hall, leaving behind a scene straight out of a disaster movie.

“Are you ok?” James asked. His glasses were askew and he had egg in his hair.

“No,” Lily whispered.

James looked concerned, but Lily didn’t explain. The reality of just how badly she had fucked up was now staring her in the face. There were students being sent to the hospital wing. It didn’t look like it was for anything too serious, but still! She had been the one to send them there.

“Everyone to your houses or class. We will be starting classes on schedule,” McGonagall barked.

Lily was aware that she should be taking charge as head girl in leading the students if she wanted to look innocent, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to move. All around her, people were collecting their bearings. Black was helping a frazzled Marlene to her feet, while Mary pet at Marlene’s hair anxiously. Sheila was casting cleaning charms on her sullied robes. The professors were repairing the tables.

An urgent grip on Lily’s arm – Alice – steered her toward the door. There was no bravado in her friend’s eyes. Not anymore. They could be _expelled_ for this. Lily wanted to ask how Alice could have missed that thestrals were impenetrable to magic during her research. She felt suddenly furious with Alice for having been so negligent.

Yes, it had been Lily’s idea, but Alice had said she wrote an essay on thestrals for Care of Magical Creatures and that it would work. This was all her fault.

She wrenched her arm free of Alice’s grasp, refusing to look her in the eye.

“You heard the professor! Everyone, follow me please. Clear the hall,” Lily ordered loudly, ushering the lingering students out the door and leaving Alice behind.

She all but ran to the nearest bathroom once she was outside but it was full of girls putting themselves to rights from the mess that had been made. Needing to be alone, Lily made her way to Myrtle’s toilet on the third floor. It was blessedly empty.

Lily locked herself in a stall and proceeded to hyperventilate. Her bet with Potter had called for making chaos but that had been excessive. Oh God there would be no getting away with this! She’d be expelled and sent back to the muggle world where she’d have no marketable skills and be forced to live off of Petunia’s limited generosity.

Her thoughts swirled about in a panicked loop as she envisioned increasingly serious punishments that would await her once caught. She was guilty of destruction of property, reckless endangerment, arguably assault. Did they have civil lawsuits in the wizarding world? She’d never heard of anyone being sued, but if they existed, some students would have an excellent case to bring against her. They couldn’t possibly make her parents sell their house to pay off her settlements. She wasn’t a minor in the wizarding world, so they’d probably be limited to attacking her own assets that were woefully nonexistent. Did the wizarding world have debtors’ prison? Why didn’t she know the answers to these questions?

She was sweaty and gross and too panicked to think straight. Lily forced herself to focus her mind on Myrtle’s wailing from the next toiled and block out everything else. The world narrowed until there was nothing left. This allowed her to ask the only question that mattered: was she going to sit and cry like Myrtle or take back control of her life?

There was only one choice that would allow her to ever face herself in the mirror again.

Fortified, Lily mopped the sweat off her brow and headed back to the Great Hall. She had forgotten her books in all of the confusion.

The hall was empty except for Professor Flitwick who was still cleaning up. Lily could have cried in shame at the memory of how the dear man had been sent sprawling due to her foolishness, but she had already promised herself no more tears.

“Do you need any help, professor?”

He smiled at her fondly.

Heinous bitch that she was, she didn’t deserve it.

“No, no, Miss Evans. It’s really not too much work to right a room,” he said cheerfully.

“Maybe you should have your second years do it for practice,” Lily suggested, surprised by just how natural she sounded.

“There’s an idea!” He laughed. “You know, I really can’t remember anything quite like this happening in all my years here. I thought I’d come to expect the unexpected of Hogwarts, but it appears I’m not as imaginative as I believed.”

“May I ask what exactly happened, sir? In the beginning, it looked like the work of a poltergeist. Did Peeves –?” Lily trailed off.

“No, no, my dear girl. I wouldn’t have expected you to be able to see it. No, it appears a thestral was released in here. They’re invisible to most. This one seems to have gone quite feral,” Flitwick said.

“How did it get in?”

He shrugged, at a loss. “Merlin knows. Thought I suspect we’ll have an answer soon enough. Dumbledore has Black, Potter, and Lupin in his office right now. They’re certainly the prime suspects for such a thing. I’ll be shocked if it’s anyone else.”

Lily could actually feel all the blood drain from her face if such a thing was even possible. Guilt was warring with her fear that Potter may rat her out as having motive. He’d seen how disheveled she’d been last night after having battled the unwilling thestral into the cramped cupboard. Potter was smart enough to make the connection.

“I have to go. Class!” Lily said hurriedly, dashing out of the Great Hall for the second time that day. What Flitwick would make of such behavior, she had no idea, but she needed to find out what was happening.

Her feet carried her to Dumbledore’s office without her conscious permission. The password was unchanged since two days before. With no consideration for what was mannerly, she burst inside without knocking. The Marauders sans Pettigrew were all there as well as a harried McGonagall and the headmaster himself. They all looked at her as if they weren’t quite sure what she was doing there, which was fair since Lily wasn’t certain either.

“Professors, Potter had nothing to do with what just happened!” Lily said urgently.

“How do you know this, Miss Evans?” Dumbledore asked, taking her interruption in stride.

“How? How. Well, I’ve been working a lot with Potter as head boy, and I can tell you he wouldn’t do something like this. Not this year. He’s really been trying to…turn over a new leaf and he just wouldn’t do this,” Lily said, stumbling through her lame excuse.

She couldn’t meet the headmaster’s eye, so she shifted her attention to where Black was looking at her askance. Judging from Black’s dropped jaw, he could clearly tell that she’d gone mad.

“Oh! And neither would Remus or Black,” Lily added as an afterthought.

A silence that she couldn’t interpret followed.

“I’m quite touched by your loyalty,” Dumbledore said. “Your classmates have been vehemently assuring me of their innocence as well. As I’ve already told them, there’s a simple test to determine the guilty party.”

“There is?”

“Yes. Do you know what happened this morning, my dear?” Dumbledore questioned.

“Professor Flitwick said there was a thestral.”

Lily purposefully mispronounced the word and then wondered if that was laying it on a bit thick. After all, she was a diligent student. She could be innocent and still know what a thestral was.

“Indeed. Thestrals are social creatures. They do not forget those wizards or witches with whom they come into contact. It will be a simple matter to introduce the accused to Daisy and discern whether or not she remembers them,” Dumbledore explained.

Could they see her heart trying to beat its way out of her chest? Surely it was colliding with her ribs hard enough to show. Goddamned Alice.

“I have been informed by Mr. Hagrid that today was quite the ordeal for Daisy, so we shall wait until tomorrow to begin our investigation. If Mr. Lupin, Black and Potter all prove innocent, we shall move on to testing other students until we find the culprit,” Dumbledore said.

A stay of execution. How marvelous.

“Good,” Lily said.

She didn’t know why she was bothering to keep up the pretense of being the concerned head girl, interested in justice. Come tomorrow, they would all know what she’d done. Come tomorrow, she was done.

“Were you needing anything else, Miss Evans?” McGonagall asked when it became clear that Lily was planning to stay rooted to her spot in front of the door.

“No…I just…justice will be served,” Lily said emphatically.

Oh, great! Justice will be served? She sounded insane. Yes, she wanted to leave the impression that she was committed to the apprehension of the culprits because an innocent head girl certainly would be, but this was a bit over the top. They were all looking at her like she might snap at any moment.

“That it will,” Dumbledore agreed, having been the only one to accept Lily’s strange behavior without question.

Lily made her goodbyes and scrambled out of the office before she could make a greater fool of herself. As she left, she allowed herself one glance at Potter. He didn’t look as if he was planning to sell her out. Lily assumed that if he was, there would be some discernable guilt on his face. Mostly he just looked confused.

On auto-pilot, Lily made her way to Gryffindor tower. It was a Wednesday, which was her only easy day of the week. She had Charms after lunch – which was more of a gift than a class considering Lily’s passion for the subject – but that was it. Every other day of the week was a nightmare of endless classes where the professors just kept adding on to the seventh years’ already insurmountable load of homework. In all fairness, Mondays weren’t too bad either, Lily conceded. But Tuesdays! Oh God, Tuesdays should be obliterated from existence.

In that moment, Lily figured she’d probably rather it be Tuesday though. At least then she could go to class and numb her brain a bit. Instead, she was left with an empty common room and her own thoughts. She’d had more pleasant nightmares.

Lily laid down on the couch and closed her eyes. Rather than focus on her situation, Lily began to recite the ingredients used in a standard bone growth potion. When she’d exhausted that, she cycled her way through healing potions related to the digestive system.

At some point she must have nodded off because she woke up disoriented to Sheila draping a blanket over her body.

“You looked cold,” Sheila informed her, sitting on the armchair opposite Lily’s couch.

“Thanks,” Lily said, her voice scratch from sleep. “What time is it?”

“I got out of my first class maybe half an hour ago,” Sheila replied.

Lily groaned. “I don’t know if I can wait that long for lunch. I didn’t have any breakfast.”

“Yeah that was crazy, wasn’t it? Breakfast was all anyone could talk about in Arithmancy. Someone said they heard James had force-fed a dragon an invisibility potion and then unleashed it on us all. I told everyone that was bullocks, of course. Where would Potter possibly get a dragon?” Sheila said.

“What did Potter say to that? He’s in Arithmancy too, right?”

“I’m surprised you know his schedule,” Sheila said in a voice thick with insinuation.

Lily shrugged. “I worked out fifth year that my chances of avoiding him were a lot better if I knew what classes he was taking. That way I could be sure to be clear on the other side of the castle.”

“Commitment,” Sheila complimented. “Potter didn’t say anything about invisible dragons seeing as he wasn’t in class. Rumor has it Dumbledore dragged him straight to his office.”

“He did,” Lily confirmed.

At Sheila’s expectant expression, she continued, “I went to Dumbledore’s office to see if I could help in anyway, and he had all of the Marauders except Pettigrew in there.”

“Can’t say I’m surprised they were behind it, thought this one was hardly a laugh. Jerome got knocked over and a tray of scones fell on his head. He had to go to the hospital wing to make sure he didn’t have a concussion,” Sheila told her, sounding quite put out by the entire thing.

“Is he alright?” Lily asked, hoping she didn’t sound as sick as she felt.

Sheila waved her hand dismissively. “Pomfrey fixed him right up, but I had to sit through all of Arithmancy worried because Vector wouldn’t let me leave to visit him. Can you believe it? I was a nervous wreck!”

Lily tutted sympathetically. “It was a thestral not a dragon, though I think they might be distantly related. Anyway, thestrals are invisible to anyone who hasn’t seen a person die. Or maybe you just have to see a corpse? I can never keep that straight. I don’t think it was Potter though. Like you said, his stunts are usually more of a laugh. I don’t think he’d knowingly put anyone in danger.”

“Maybe he didn’t know then. It could have just gotten out of hand. I could hardly blame him for that,” Sheila said thoughtfully.

Lily fought back the urge to come clean then and there. Before she went confessing to her friends, she needed to sort out a plan. Until then, the more people who knew, the greater the risk. She also wasn’t sure Sheila would be so quick to forgive when she found out it was Lily and not Potter who had sent her boyfriend to the hospital wing. Sheila had an easier time forgiving handsome boys for their transgressions, friendship aside.

“Never a dull day at Hogwarts,” Sheila laughed. “I wonder who else could have done something like that if not the Marauders. It’s so strange.”

It was taken for granted that the other Marauders wouldn’t stage something this dangerous without Potter’s approval. Remus was too level-headed and Pettigrew was a follower through and through. Black was certainly reckless enough, but he also trusted his best friend’s opinion on these things and wouldn’t do it alone. He seemed to enjoy the bonding element of staging pranks more than the mayhem itself.

“The only thing I know is that I’m starving,” Lily announced. “I’m going to head down to the kitchens. I’ll die if I wait ‘til lunch. Want to come?”

“And spoil my lunch? No, thank you. I’m going to eat with Jerome today, and I’m sure he’ll need a lot of petting to feel better,” Sheila answered, opting instead to prop her feet up on the table and pull out her Arithmancy textbook.

Lily took the long way to the kitchens – through the dungeons and out from behind the tapestry of the crying martyrs – even though she was hungry, to avoid having to talk to anyone. You’d think for an experienced liar she’d be less concerned about having to deceive her classmates. Guilt, fear, and emotional exhaustion were warring within her though and making it hard not to act completely nutters. Rule number one of telling a successful lie was always keep your cool. Lily didn’t doubt she could manage it if it came down to it but thought that luck had already clearly proven to have it out for her and didn’t want to push it.

Reaching the kitchens, Lily self-consciously tickled the painting of the pears that led to the kitchens. Even after all these years she still felt silly doing things like this. She wondered if this was further evidence that she would never fully belong in the wizarding world.

The house elves were eager to cook her some bacon and showered her with requests for how they could be of service. Lily thanked them, embarrassed by the display. She should see if the library had any books on etiquette for when dealing with house elves. They asked for nothing in return for such over the top service. It always made Lily feel guilty for accepting, like how she’d felt last summer when a boy she recognized from primary school had waited on her family at a restaurant and had acted so formally to her.

She was halfway through her plate when Alice came in. She looked a bit surprised to see Lily there.

“Well, you had the right idea of it,” Alice greeted before turning to a house elf. She didn’t have any of Lily’s nerves around the elves. “How about some eggs, ooh with that sharp cheese melted on top?”

Lily didn’t acknowledge her friend even as she sat down next to her and stole a slice of bacon off her plate. Stubbornly, Lily made a show of being engrossed by the wall.

“I’m so jealous you had a free period first thing this morning. I could have used a few minutes to get my head on straight. Instead, I had to go to Magical Creatures first thing. Let me tell you, Kettleburn looked ready to piss herself she was so mad. I guess when some third year ran to get help, he interrupted Kettleburn holed up in her room with some beau. So now everyone knows she had some guy stay the night, which shouldn’t fucking matter, but you know the maturity level of most of the students here. Anyway, it was kind of funny all the same to watch her try to teach when she was clearly so out of it,” Alice told her, oblivious.

Lily grunted. It was honestly the best she could do at being friendly.

“I can’t wait to tell everyone it was us behind it. This might be the most brill thing that happens all of term,” Alice continued.

“That you think this morning was anything but a mistake just shows what a stupid cow you are,” Lily snapped.

All of the disgust Lily had felt towards herself suddenly redirected itself towards Alice. If not for Alice’s reassurances that thestrals were harmless, Lily would have done the damn research herself and rejected the idea as too dangerous. Alice had been too quick to jump blindly into a cocked up idea and had dragged Lily right along with her. She didn’t like to question Alice, didn’t like to confirm that she was just as shallow and cowardly as Alice liked to assume, so she hadn’t used her brain.

“Excuse me,” Alice said, sounding shocked but still somehow threatening.

“You told me the professors would have it under control in a minute. Actually, I think your exact words were ‘If the professors can’t stop one little thestral in under a minute, they all deserve to be sacked as unfit to guard a flobberworm!’” Lily hissed.

She would have been screaming if she weren’t trying to hide their conversation from the house elves. Lily wasn’t sure whether or not they acted as spies for their masters. They could easily pop over to Dumbledore’s office and reveal everything.

Alice scoffed. “You don’t think you’re maybe a tiny bit to blame, Lily? Or did I just dream up that it was your idea?”

Lily noticed that Alice looked quite ugly when she was angry, her skin red and teeth bared. She considered telling Alice just that, but she wasn’t so far gone as to say something that wretched. Thinking it made her feel a bit better though.

“I think that you never bother to consider things properly because you’re too busy trying to prove to the rest of the world how cool and tough you are,” Lily said viciously. “No one buys it for a second by the way. You try too hard for everyone to believe it. You come off rather desperate.”

“Watch yourself, Evans. Just because you’re scared of getting into trouble doesn’t mean I’m going to let you have a go at me. What we did today was awesome and once this all blows over, you’re going to see that and come begging to me to forgive you for being such a cunt,” Alice shot back.

What had Lily ever seen in this awful girl to make her care what she thought about anything?

There were a lot of things Lily could have said to just stomp all over Alice’s self-esteem. Years of living together had revealed every one of Alice’s weak points. The temptation was there too. Lily couldn’t stand the idea of leaving Alice to think she’d won. If Lily had to suffer right now, Alice would too.

“Thestrals never forget the humans they interact with. Come tomorrow, they’ll be testing out students and we’ll be found out and expelled. But I’m sure you won’t mind that what with our prank being so brill and all,” Lily said in her coldest voice.

She was gratified to see the fear that crept into Alice’s expression. Lily felt more in control now, more like she could handle whatever was to come. She’d been arguing too hotly, laying her emotions bare before Alice. It was beneath her. That she could now capture just a little bit of that cold exterior was a sign that she was settling back into her skin.

Her plate wasn’t finished but Lily knew she wouldn’t get a better parting shot than she just had. She stood up and walked to the portrait hole, pushing it open before turning back to Alice.

“You really must have failed that essay.”

With that, Lily left Alice and the kitchens far behind.

 

Score

Lily: 3 – James: 1

Number of times Lily assumed the worst of James Potter: 1  
Number of times Lily lied: 3  
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 2


	6. Oct 5: Of Revelations, Abrupt and Brewing

To My Beloved Mother,

The gig is up. I can no longer pretend to be a kind, considerate girl. It is a matter of time now before it will have spread throughout the halls of Hogwarts that your daughter is a heinous bitch unfit to be classed as a human being.

I'm sure you would disagree but really that's just you being naturally disinclined to admit to having raised a monster – or should I say another monster as you're also responsible for Tuney? Please set aside your shame and be honest, so that we can be straight with each other moving forward. I am a hag.

It's really not your fault I turned out this way. You raised me to be responsible and composed. If I abandon all reason whenever a boy with stupid glasses and stupider hair comes near me, well, that can hardly be blamed on you. Unless – is there some deep childhood trauma involving someone who fits that description that I'm blocking out? It would explain a lot.

I let this boy goad me into losing my temper and then I did something stupider because of it. You'd be ashamed of me if you knew the half of it. As I already said, you raised me to be better.

It's not entirely my fault. I've surrounded myself with bad influences who have a warped sense of what's funny. Don't worry. As my first step towards betterment, I've already cut one such influence out of my life.

I know I'm a terrible disappointment as a daughter, but I promise I'll be better.

Give my love to dad!

Lily

Lily folded up her letter and tucked it between the pages of her Charms book. Charms class was well underway, but Lily had been struggling to pay attention. Shrinking charms were a delightful subject and didn't deserve to be ignored like this. Assuming she hadn't been expelled by the weekend, she'd probably hole up in the library and read up on the topic to make up for her currently wandering mind. Yes, she knew quite a bit already, but you could never know too much.

Writing in a diary had always seemed too self-involved, but Lily was beginning to see the appeal. Getting her feelings onto the page was doing wonders for her fragile emotional state. The whole thing began to seem silly really when you wrote it down.

That she could never send any of the letters she wrote was a guarantee. If her mum were to receive the letter she had just written, she would bombard Lily with owls daily until she stopped being so cryptic and told her everything.

Lily tried to imagine what Petunia's reaction to the letter addressed to her would be. In it, Lily had asked whether Petunia would like her more if she were expelled or would just take it as evidence that Lily was even too great a freak for the freaks. The entire disaster would be worth it if Tuney decided to like her again, but Lily had a feeling Petunia's response would lean towards derision.

Lily tore out another sheet of parchment and angled her body so that Sheila would not be able to see what she was writing.

Dear Alice,

I'm not sorry for the things I said as you are a toad. In fact, you should be grateful I didn't say much worse (all of which would have been true). I don't know how you live with yourself and I'd rather much never find out. I can't understand why I spent so much time trying to impress you as you are so terribly heinous yourself. Self-awareness is the key to a fulfilled life, so I hope you read this letter as the favor it is.

Here is a list of all your faults (in no particular order):  
1\. Judgmental  
2\. Superior  
3\. Fake  
4\. Inconsiderate  
5\. Rude  
6\. Shit at Charms (which you are very lucky you didn't take a NEWT in because I would refuse to help you)

Please know that I shall not miss your friendship or company as you were a terrible friend in the first place.

Most sincerely,  
Lily

Well, that was satisfying. Maybe she should send this one. It would be the kind thing to let Alice know where they stood and a little constructive criticism never hurt anyone.

“Are you having some type of breakdown?” Sheila whispered in her ear. “You're cackling to yourself.”

Lily shook her head and guarded her letter from Sheila's curious eyes. Sheila, unlike some people, was a good friend but far too nosy. It was obvious that Lily was just having a cathartic venting session. Such things were perfectly healthy.

In fact...

Dear James Potter,

I'm glad to see you are in class and not still trapped in Dumbledore's office. I hope you were not too upset at being falsely accused. You must be used to getting in trouble at this point, right? Or is that something you never adjust to? I'm terrified of getting in trouble. My body starts shaking just picturing what will happen once I'm caught tomorrow. Some advice would be helpful if you have any.

Though, if you don't want to talk to me, I don't blame you. As, again, I got you into trouble.

It hasn't escaped my attention that you haven't looked at me once since the start of class. Is that why? You're mad? Usually you look at me quite a lot, which is a bit creepy as I imagine your reasons for staring at a pretty girl you don't much care for can't be gentlemanly...ew. But, I wouldn't mind if you looked a little today as I'm feeling guilty.

Thank you for not ratting me out to Dumbledore. And know I'm not mad at you for goading me into this stupid bet. I shouldn't have let you in the first place. The fault is mine.

Wait! Are you not looking at me because you're actually paying attention in class?!? How can you be trying to win this stupid bet after this morning? The bet is off! It's..

Lily stopped writing and instead studied her nemesis. He really was quite focused on everything Flitwick said, only looking down to take notes. Notes!

This couldn't be happening to her. She couldn't still be stuck in this accursed arrangement with Potter. She'd managed to destroy her Hogwarts career and a friendship by just day three of the bet. What would be left of her life by day thirty? A mismatched pair of socks and her chocolate frog collection?

An awful sense of looking into the future and seeing nothing but doom and destruction overwhelmed her. It had genuinely never occurred to her that this wasn't over. She needed it to be over.

The only marginal sense of hope she could glean from Potter's behavior was that maybe she was overestimating how seriously the staff took thestral attacks and wouldn't be expelled. That would explain why he thought the bet was still on. Surely, Potter had a better grasp on Dumbledore's tolerance for such mischief and would know.

Cling to that thought, Evans, she ordered herself.

Bolstered, Lily managed to make it through the rest of class and actually pay attention. She even raised her hand to offer insight into her experiences with Peruvian shrinking charms and how they offered the castor greater control over the end-size of the object. Flitwick rewarded her with a point for Gryffindor.

When class ended, Lily left with Marlene, Mary and Sheila, in good spirits. They were all finished with classes for the day, except for Mary who had Astronomy at eight, but that wasn't for hours. With a few hours left until lunch, they all went to the heads' office to hang out. It was the ideal spot because no one ever interrupted them there. Only Lily and James knew the password, and James had never bothered to attend to head business before, so the office was always empty unless Lily had use for it.

They all crowded into the cramped space. Privacy was too rare at Hogwarts for them to complain about the size. Lily sat in the same chair James had the night before with Mary across from her. Sheila and Marlene hopped up onto the table and sat between them.

“Ok, I've been dying to know what kind of head girl scoop you have on the events of breakfast. Spill! I'm hoping to steal the article right out from under Adrian Jones' nose, so leave out nothing,” Marlene ordered.

“I am sick to death of talking about this. I'm instituting a ban. You won't get anything out of me, and if you three insist on discussing it, I'll chuck you out of my office,” Lily said firmly.

“Are we allowed to just ban subjects we don't want to talk about? Because if we can, I'm drawing up a list,” Mary drawled amused.

“That isn't fair, Lily!” Marlene shrieked. “This is going to be front page news tomorrow. Do you really want that loathsome Jones getting the story? Huh, do you?”

“Jones isn't that bad. I always thought his sister, Hestia was quite nice,” Sheila said.

“I don't know about that. All I know is that Adrian Jones called my column drivel and now he's going to suffer,” Marlene said a bit more evilly than Lily had known was possible coming from her bubbly friend.

Mary's answering expression was fierce. “Let me do some digging and I'll write up an expose on his personal life. He has to have some secrets we can get.”

“Geez, you guys are vicious,” Lily said.

“May the punishment fit the crime,” Mary shrugged.

Comforted that Adrian Jones would indeed pay, Marlene forgot to be angry with Lily for denying her an interview. Lily wondered if perhaps a love of retribution shouldn't be added to the list of Gryffindor traits. She and her friends seemed to lose a little perspective when confronted with someone who had wronged them.

“I don't really want to get into the whys, but I thought you all should know that Alice and I have had a falling out. I don't expect any of you to take sides or anything like that, but I don't want to hang out with her,” Lily said, patting herself on the back for her maturity. There was no need for her friends to suffer just because she couldn't look at Alice without wanting to pull out her hair.

Lily was quite shocked by just how vehemently her friends responded.

“Oh thank God!” Marlene squealed as Sheila cheered and Mary closed her eyes as if in prayer.

“Err, what are you guys doing?” Lily asked.

“Don't get us wrong, we love Alice -” Sheila began.

“We really, really do,” Marlene interjected.

“But she's been out of control for months now,” Sheila said.

“She told me we had to stick together because we're the ugly ones in the group!” Marlene cried.

“You can't have forgotten Monday when she said it was annoying having to worry about my wounded ego,” Mary said dryly.

“Just last week, she told me that I was so shallow an ant couldn't drown in me if I were a body of water,” Sheila added.

Unable to formulate a response, Lily just blinked at their outburst.

“We all want to be sympathetic. She's clearly going through something after McIntyre chucked her, but there is a limit, Lily,” Mary said.

“Honestly, the only reason all of us haven't ditched her by now is that, well, you were so adamant about being there for her as she was going through it all. You made us feel like shite friends for even considering it,” Sheila explained.

Lily thought back on the past couple of months. She had completely missed that her friends had been pushed past the point of patience. No one had ever said anything to her. Yes, Alice had said such awful things to all of them, but they had all known she was just lashing out. Hadn't they? Friends were supposed to stick by each other when they were in crisis. Lily had just done what she thought was the obvious thing, what was expected of her.

“You...you've only been her friend all this time because of me?” Lily asked.

“No!” Marlene said emphatically. “Alice was great, and we all want to keep being her friend. But maybe she needs a bit of a kick in the head to understand that she can't continue on like this forever.”

“It's not fair to the rest of us,” Mary agreed.

“So, what are we suggesting here?” Lily asked.

“Nothing too dramatic. It's not like we're saying none of us will ever speak to her ever again. That would be a bit extreme. Just, maybe none of us speak to her for right now,” Sheila answered. “Eventually she'll apologize to everyone and we can move on.”

“That will be so lovely. I miss the old Alice,” Marlene said dreamily.

A kernel of doubt wedged its way into Lily's thoughts as she considered what they were saying. There was a big difference between Lily refusing to speak to Alice and all of the Gryffindor girls doing it at once. Despite what Sheila said, it seemed a little extreme. Lily couldn't imagine how awful she would feel if all of her friends stopped speaking to her at once. It would be terribly lonely.

But at the same time, they weren't suggesting they do so out of defense of Lily. They didn't even know what Alice had done. No, they all had their own personal grudges that they were acting out, and it was hardly Lily's place to try to force them to be friends with Alice when she herself wasn't willing to do so.

“This is going to be so much worse than when you two had that falling out third year,” Lily said, indicating Marlene and Sheila.

“I don't know if it can be much worse than that,” Mary said thoughtfully. “Or at least I hope not.”

“That's right! I'd forgotten that I was still mad at you,” Marlene teased.

“Oh get over yourself. Elian Harp didn't even know you existed. I hardly stole him from you,” Sheila said lazily.

“He may not have known who I was, but he was going to by the time we were married. I had made a wedding collage! That kind of thing is sacred,” Marlene said severely. “And then you swooped in and stole him. You think you can get away with anything where boys are concerned just because you're walking around all waify and perfect.”

“I am rather good-looking aren't I?” Sheila asked pleasantly.

Marlene got a conspiratorial look on her face and leaned in. “I'm not supposed to say, but we're actually working on a list of the most attractive students at Hogwarts for the paper. It's going to be a special edition. The professors would never approve so we're going to have to distribute it underground. The whole thing's very hush hush.”

“That's amazing,” Sheila said, her attention completely diverted. “Am I on the list?”

“Let's just say, that based on the current list – we still might make some changes – you're in the top three amongst the girls,” Marlene said, tapping her nose.

Sheila clapped her hands happily at the news. Lily wondered who at the school could possibly be edging Sheila out for number one, because despite her immodesty, Sheila wasn't wrong when she proclaimed herself beautiful. Her skin was flawless, smooth and dark. All of her features were big – big, expressive eyes, lush, full lips – resting on her rather small face with an adorably pointed chin. She was more model than believable teenage girl.

“Who's my competition?” Sheila asked.

“I don't want to give too much away,” Marlene said in a voice that made it clear she would cheerfully give everything away. “But I can say that one girl who's up there with you has the initials, CV.”

“Bloody Celia Vance!” Sheila said. “She's not that pretty!”

As far as clues went, the initials Marlene had provided had not been subtle. There were only so many exquisitely beautiful girls at Hogwarts and everyone agreed that Celia Vance was one of them.

“How dare you! Celia Vance is a goddess!” Marlene howled. Celia Vane was something of an icon to Marlene and she had devoted quite a bit of her column to explaining just what made the Hufflepuff sixth year so wonderful. “She's so pretty that I get confused every time I look at her.”

Arguments over whether Celia Vance was deserving of her place on the list were interrupted by Mary having a bit of a coughing fit. She accidentally knocked a stack of quills off the desk and bent down to pick them up, still choking on her own saliva.

Once Lily had checked to make sure Mary was ok, she said, “I think that having a list like that is degrading. Don't you think it's weird having some students assess you and compare you to everyone else? What about someone's personality or their brain?”

“There's talk of having a most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes list as well. That would consider everything: earning potential, charisma, smarts, you name it,” Mary said.

“I'm not sure that's much better,” Lily said.

“Are you upset because I didn't mention you in the top three, Lily? Because you are! I wasn't going to bring it up because I didn't want you and Sheila to fight each other about who's prettier, but you're the other girl in the top three, so you don't need to feel bad about yourself,” Marlene said consolingly.

“I wasn't feeling bad about myself. I...me in the top three?” Lily blurted out.

False modesty was annoying, Lily reminded herself. There was no point in acting too surprised about it. That she was good-looking was not news to her, and she refused to get caught up in the competition of the thing. It didn't matter whether she was in the top three or the bottom five, the list was still immature and demeaning.

“It's not like they're only making a list ranking the girls,” Sheila said. “If they were, then yes, I'd agree that's pretty degrading, but the boys are being put through the same scrutiny.”

“It's different for boys though. I have a hard time seeing Regulus Black throwing a fit when his brother beats him out on the list,” Mary said.

“It would be funny if he did. Can you imagine?” Sheila laughed.

Mary was right. Lily really couldn't imagine the two brothers shouting at each other over who was the more handsome. It really didn't take that much of a stretch to picture her and Shelia going at it though. Maybe that was just because they were intensely competitive by nature and less to do with their gender. Marlene and Mary certainly weren't at each other's throats over their placements on the list.

“I still think the whole thing's stupid,” Lily announced. “But if it matters, Sheila, I think you are much prettier than Celia.”

If Lily had to shave her head bald, she was not going to be dragged into some sort of beauty contest with Sheila. One ruined friendship in a day was enough. She wouldn't be able to face herself if she lost another because they were spatting over who had the thicker eyelashes.

“Blind! All of you are blind!” Marlene said in defense of Celia but let the subject drop.

They chatted in a similar fashion for a while longer before eventually giving in to the need to start on their homework. Lily always put off her Transfiguration even though she knew it was a terrible idea and now had to buckle down. Getting her work done would have been easier if Marlene didn't also happen to put off her Potions assignment, which was also due tomorrow. She bothered Lily the entire time for help with her answers.

Time for dinner arrived quickly and the girls left, all cheerful with their homework completed. Lily felt a pinching in her chest at the prospect of reentering the Great Hall for the first time since that morning, but was able to push it aside. A few hours laughing with her friends had given her a sense of serenity that she wasn't going to let be shaken off that easily. She wouldn't be facing the consequences alone no matter what. Her friends would be there for her as they always were.

Marlene was mid-sentence when Sirius Black plopped down into the seat beside her, joined by Peter Pettigrew. Comically, Marlene kind of choked on the words in her mouth and turned a startling pink. Her eyes turned toward her friends imploringly, begging for them to explain what was happening.

“I have a problem, Evans,” Black said directly. “Peter here says that he believes I stole his broom-cleaning kit. Now, I've already told him that that's preposterous as we're mates and mates don't do things like that, but he doesn't believe me. So I told him that you'd vouch for me as you know I would never do a thing like that.”

Lily struggled to find words for a moment. “Do you need someone to take you to Pomfrey?”

“Where has the friendship from this morning gone? Dumbledore's office, ring any bells?” Sirius began to do a dreadful impression of Lily's voice. “Oh, professor, Potter would never ever do a thing like that. He's such a good, nice, handsome boy. And his friends aren't rubbish either, I suppose.”

He threw his head back and laughed at Lily's expression. She supposed it had been too much to hope that the prats would just say thank you and let the issue drop. No, kindness is always punished it seems.

Mary raised an imperious eyebrow, so Lily rushed to explain. “I just told Dumbledore I didn't think Potter was involved in whatever happened this morning is all. Black's making it out to be a bigger deal than it was.”

“You seemed pretty concerned, Evans, and you have been making up reasons to spend time with James lately. This little bet you have going could just be a desperate attempt to get closer to him,” Black said deviously. Though everything Black said sounded a bit devious so that didn't mean much.

“You've caught me!” Lily said, throwing her hands up in the air. “I'm madly in love. What a relief not to have to hide it anymore.”

Sirius nodded sympathetically. “He's in the boy's dorm right now. Go on and snog him senseless, dinner will still be here when you're done.”

Lily scowled but was saved from answering by Sheila asking if Black knew anything about Quidditch practice for next week. Black wasn't on the team as he didn't seem to be much of a team player, but he did keep up with the sport and with Potter as a best mate, usually knew more than the team did about their future plans.

While, they were talking, Alice entered the room and walked over to join them. Lily motioned with her eyes to Mary, who glanced over her shoulder to see what was happening. There was a collective stiffening as all of the girls prepared themselves for what was to come. Lily mostly just felt angry again, seeing how nonchalantly Alice was weaving her way over.

Alice sat down beside Marlene and across from Sheila. As if it had been discussed, the two girls turned their shoulders, blocking Alice out from the conversation. Lily only allowed herself a brief glance at the bewildered Alice, before staring resolutely at her potatoes. Mary was doing the same.

“Well I've had a shit day,” Alice announced. “You wouldn't believe what -”

“Sheila, what do you think Ravenclaw's prospects for beating Slytherin are?” Mary asked coolly, her voice blocking out whatever Alice had been about to say.

There was a collective beat of silence, which allowed the situation to sink in for everyone at the table before Sheila answered, “Pretty good. I know Slytherin has the better offense, but Ravenclaw's keeper is ridiculously talented. Most days I want to push him off his broom he's so good.”

“Wait, are you all not talking to me?” Alice asked, her voice rising as she pieced together the implications of their behavior. “I have one fight with Lily and you all turn on me! Did she even tell you what we're fighting about? Because I haven't done anything wrong here!”

“But then again, Slytherin also has the better seeker, and I suppose if it's a low-scoring game it won't much matter if Pucey steals the snitch. What do you think, Sirius?” Sheila continued as if Alice hadn't spoken.

Sirius looked like he wished he was anywhere but at the table in that moment. He was glancing nervously between all of their faces and making incoherent little sounds. Pettigrew wasn't faring much better, all but twitching at the tension that was rising between the girls.

“Bugger all of you!” Alice shouted furiously.

She flung herself away from the bench, knocking her fork off the table in the process and marched straight back out of the Great Hall. Lily had never noticed how interesting her fingernails were until that moment as she refused to watch Alice's progress.

Alice would be fine. Like the girls had said, this was temporary for them. Once Alice grew up a bit, they would all forgive her. Well, maybe Lily wouldn't as she was angry for something far more serious than a bit of hurt feelings, but Alice wouldn't be friendless forever. Besides, she had other friends she could turn to like...the Mauraders sometimes....and hadn't she spent some time with the Ravenclaw sixth years before? Yes, Lily hadn't seen her interact with them since her breakup with Rory, but they were still around.

“Girls are terrifying,” Peter whispered fearfully, drawing Lily's attention.

“Yes they are,” Black answered back.

Peter was eyeing them all like they had just turned into a pack of vicious hyenas that had gone for Alice's throat. They just didn't understand the situation. If they did, they would surely not judge any of the girls. They were just doing what had to be done.

Apparently watching four girls summarily banish their friend from the dinner table made for uncomfortable viewing because Black and Pettigrew excused themselves almost immediately afterwards. They hadn't been exactly welcome in the first place, so Lily didn't mind. If they'd insisted on sitting with them for the rest of dinner, they wouldn't have been able to get a word out of Marlene.

“They think we're evil,” Marlene said in disbelief.

Sheila shrugged as if such a thing were perfectly natural. “Men think all women are bitches anyways. Even if we treated everyone like we were perfect angels, they'd still think we were just hiding it and tearing into each other once we were alone. It's not like they're going to shun us over it.”

“What do you think you'd have to do to get a guy to think you're too terrible to date?” Mary wondered.

“Why do you ask? Trying to scare off Ian?” Sheila questioned.

“Haha, very funny. If I want to chuck Ian, I'll just do it. I don't need to frighten him into dumping me,” Mary said. “But, no, I was referring to the fact that there's probably a difference in what one of the top three prettiest girls in Hogwarts has to do compared to the rest of us.”

Sheila pouted a bit before answering and Lily knew it was because she had been hoping to glean some understanding into Mary's relationship with Ian. For having dated for over two years now, Mary acted perfectly ambivalent at all times about her boyfriend. They spent Hogsmeade weekends together and occasionally had lunch but that seemed to be the entirety of their interaction. Sheila's theory, shared only with Lily, was that Mary was a robot incapable of feeling anything. Lily leaned more towards their relationship just being a routine at this point. They had started dating so long ago and they were just too lazy to break up with each other now. Kind of like how Lily had been so accustomed to her friendship with Alice, she hadn't bothered to reevaluate it until now.

Most of dinner was spent on concocting outlandish scenarios Sheila could commit and then answering whether it would indeed be enough to scare a boy off from her. They got rather into it, and with each scenario would have to answer whether the boy in question was a virgin, which house he belonged to, and did he have a good relationship with his mother, all deemed important factors in how a boy would react to a Sheila on a rampage.

After that, they were stuck convincing Marlene that yes, she was pretty enough that a boy wouldn't be put off by her bad behavior either. Once that was settled, dinner was practically over. They were just about to stand up and leave when Professor Dumbledore stood up from the professor's table to make an announcement.

“Starting tomorrow, we will begin our investigation into the culprits behind this morning's mischief. We will be moving methodically throughout the student body until we find the person who is responsible. I have posted a schedule to let you know when you are to report to the grounds with Professor Kettleburn for the test we have designed to find the guilty party. Your professors are aware that you may have to miss some class time for this reason. Thank you and please enjoy the rest of your evening,” Dumbeldore said calmly, before returning to his meal.

“I wonder what kind of test they're talking about. They can't possibly be planning to use Veritaserum on students. They'd need to get a special ministry dispensation for that,” Mary said as they all scrambled towards the schedule that was posted just outside the dining hall.

It seemed that half the student body had the same idea, so they had to fight their way to the front of the throng to get a chance to read it. From the looks of it, they were testing by year, starting first thing with the seventh years and dividing it alphabetically. Seventh years, last names A through E were scheduled for first thing tomorrow.

“I can't believe they're expecting the three of us to miss lunch for this!” Sheila complained, referring to her, Mary, and Marlene who all shared surnames starting with the letter M. “It's not like anyone actually thinks any of us could be behind it.”

Lily didn't acknowledge them. She wasn't sure any noise would come out if she tried to open her mouth. Today had been a lovely reprieve. She had known that since Dumbledore's office, but it was going to catch up with her first thing after breakfast tomorrow. She shouldn't have even bothered to finish her Transfiguration homework as she wouldn't have a chance to turn it in.

“Lily are you alright?” Marlene asked, noticing that Lily wasn't joining in with the conversation.

“I just have to -” Lily didn't bother to even finish her sentence before dashing off.

Now they were guaranteed to know that something was terribly wrong, but Lily didn't see the point in worrying about their reactions. Trying to put as much distance between her and her friends as possible, she sailed through the halls until she reached the Astronomy Tower. She figured that she had a few hours left before couples looking for a place to snog would have need of it and Astronomy class wasn't for another hour. She hoped that would be enough time to ensure her a little privacy.

And Lily desperately needed privacy for the breakdown she was finally going to allow herself. Today had been bizarre, a tumultuous ride of every emotion on the spectrum, but up until now Lily had done a pretty decent job of keeping herself together. There had been no tears, no tantrums, but maybe a girl deserved to have a cry after a day like this. Maybe crying was invented for days like this in the first place.

So, huddled up in the corner overlooking the Great Lake, Lily did just that. Fat tears fell so fast and so thick that Lily didn't even bother to wipe them from her face, allowing them to slide down the slope of her neck and drip onto her blouse. There seemed to be so many things to cry for that Lily didn't even bother to sort through them in her mind, sobbing out her feelings with a blank mind.

To an extent she was crying for everything she was sure to lose. Her life had been filled with so many losses that she felt she should be used to the sensation by now, but really the frequency of loss just made her bitterer towards it. Everything just kept getting stripped away.

Worse, she was crying out of pity for herself. She was shaping up to be a terrible Gryffindor. All day she had been afraid and unable to face any of it. There wasn't a shred of bravery in her, and if she were truly so noble, wouldn't she have turned herself in rather than risk inconveniencing her professors? When she'd thought James and his friends would take the fall, she had rushed there to help, but it hadn't really occurred to her that she might turn herself in to save them. If there hadn't been a sure fire test to prove their innocence, would she have let them pay the price to save herself? Lily was sure that whatever the answer was, it wouldn't be flattering.

Disappointment with herself was definitely there in the mix, hot and heavy and hard to confront. Lily had standards for herself and the world around her. She expected people to meet them because she pushed herself so hard to conform to them as well. Often Lily would complain about Petunia and her ridiculous insistence on maintaining what's normal at all costs, but Lily knew they weren't really all that different. Lily may have made room in her heart to accept magic and some colorful characters, but she still sat about and judged the world in much the same way from her perch of superiority. Where had the superiority disappeared to now? It was hard to figure out how she should orient herself in a world where she was just as bad as everyone else, where she'd failed. So much of who she was had always been based around who she was not: a troublemaker, a tart, a poor friend, a bully. It left her entirely unsure how she was now supposed to work out who she was without that clarity of understanding.

The door to the Astronomy Tower creaked open and Lily frantically wiped at her tears, knowing it would do no good but trying all the same. She wasn't sure if she was horrified or relieved when she saw the person who entered was Potter. Having your enemy see you at your weakest wasn't good strategy, but at least it wasn't a death-eater wannabe or heaven forbid a professor. He looked alarmed when he saw her there, eyes rimmed red and face wet.

“Come to gloat?” she asked hoarsely. It took enormous willpower to choke back a sob and she ended up hyperventilating a bit, but she didn't think he noticed.

“Of course not,” Potter said. “What are you doing up here?”

“Having tea. What does it look like I'm doing?” Lily spat.

James shifted back and forth on his feet nervously, clearly unsure if he should approach or stay where he was at the door. “Err, it looks like you're crying, but I didn't think you had tear ducts so that doesn't make sense.”

“You've seen me cry before,” Lily said, continuing when he looked confused. “Second year when I burnt my hand on that sizzling bush. I cried then.”

“Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about that. That was a long time ago,” Potter said.

“Yeah, it was.”

Something in Lily's face must have told him it was safe to approach because he walked up and sat down beside her on the floor. He was sitting close enough that she could feel the warmth coming off of him, which she was terribly conscious of, having become cold in the windy tower without her robes to keep her warm. She remembered their discussion from just yesterday about retiring robes in classes and wondered if maybe they did serve their purposes. Hogwarts was terribly drafty.

“Sirius told me that you had some kind of row with Alice, and I saw her in the common room and she seemed pretty upset,” James said gently. “Is that what all of this is about? Because I'm sure you'll make up whatever's wrong.”

“You actually didn't figure it out?” Lily wondered incredulously.

“Figured out what?” James said blankly.

Lily wasn't sure why she thought it was a good idea to confess to James Potter when she hadn't felt willing to confide in her closest friends, but it was all pouring out before she could stop herself. She told him how she and Alice had “borrowed” the thestral and about the whistle that had made it behave so erratically and how she hadn't expected things to get so out of control.

When Potter started to laugh, Lily was very tempted to push him right off the tower. His body splatting on the ground below probably wouldn't even be so disgusting as to make it not worth it. The arse.

“Sorry,” he wheezed when he saw just how angry Lily was becoming. “Of course I knew that was you this morning. Once you burst into Dumbledore's office to defend me it became rather obvious. There was no other reason you'd be so sure it wasn't me. In fact, if you weren't behind it, you would have probably been in there pointing fingers straight at me yourself.”

“Then, why -?”

“Because it's not worth crying about. It's not like Dumbledore's going to chuck you out of school because you broke a few tables. I'll let you in on a little secret,” James whispered conspiratorially. “This is a school for wizards. They just fixed those up with magic.”

“But people got hurt. Jerome had to go to the hospital wing to make sure he didn't have a concussion!” Lily protested.

James laughed again. “If sending a few students to the hospital wing for minor injuries got you expelled, I would have been gone a long time ago. Hell, Quidditch wouldn't be the school sport either. Talk about concussions, I've had four from getting brained by bludgers and you don't see anyone rallying to ban the sport do you.”

“Actually, I wrote Dumbledore a letter in third year explaining that Quidditch should be banned because it was too dangerous for students,” Lily admitted, a little humor entering her voice.

“You didn't! What the bleeding hell, I...you have terrible taste, Evans. Sometimes you're actually a parody of yourself,” Potter muttered in outrage.

That Lily had wanted to ban Hogwarts Quidditch seemed to be much more alarming to him than that she'd sicced a thestral on him that very morning.

“You really don't think I'll get in that much trouble?” Lily asked a little tearfully.

“Oh, you'll be in detention until you're gray. Can't believe you've already used up your one time you can get caught a week. You're making it too easy to beat you in this bet, Evans,” James grinned.

Lily noticed just how charming that grin really was. He had remarkably good teeth, straight and strong, which was the norm for most wizards as they had great dental practices. Still, there was something disarming about his and the way his eyes lit up along with it. No wonder he'd been able to talk his way out of so many situations. Lily wondered why she had never truly noticed before now.

Musings over James Potter's obnoxiously-handsome face were interrupted by a rather horrifying thought. Lily had been so convinced that the consequence would be expulsion that she had never considered what would happen if they allowed her to stay.

“You don't think they'll take head girl from me, do you?” Lily whispered.

James didn't immediately respond which was answer in itself. Lily's mind set off in panic, picturing the scene and the fallout. Everyone would know that she'd had the badge taken away. They'd have to name a new head girl to take her place, probably Freida White, who was far less deserving of the title than Lily and would be so awfully smug about the entire thing. Her parents would be informed. Petunia would find out!

And worse than all of the talk, Lily would have to live with herself afterwards with the designation of head girl ripped away from her. Call it silly or shallow, but being head girl mattered to her. The badge was the physical proof that all of Lily's work to keep herself composed and on the right path was being acknowledged. It took such constant self-policing to be Lily Evans, and Dumbledore had recognized that when he named her head girl.

It was at this point that Lily began to hyperventilate in earnest. Potter panicked, probably unaccustomed to sobbing witches – really Sheila was right, boys were easy to frighten. He patted her on the back awkwardly as if she were choking on a piece of pork rather than having a breakdown as she watched her life slip away from her.

When that didn't work, Potter pulled her into his body and slung an arm around her shoulders. Her head tucked naturally beneath his chin. It felt lovely, but that's not what calmed Lily down. No, Lily had already come to terms with the fact that Potter was going to see her cry, but crying in front of him and crying on him were two different matters altogether. She was not in the slightest prepared to sob her worries into her enemy. And yes, maybe he wasn't exactly acting like an enemy at the moment, but the principle of the thing remained the same. You could throw every bit of your life away in a day, but at some point, you had to take a little bit of control back and this certainly seemed like the time, so even though it was bizarrely tempting, Lily managed to shut her mouth and rein in her tears.

She didn't pull away immediately, wanting to make sure her new found self-control wasn't a fluke and she wouldn't start bawling the second she looked at him. This was awfully nice, leaning on Potter. It was probably because it was forbidden. The things Lily forbade herself were usually the most enjoyable – chocolate except on Fridays, sleeping in past ten on the weekend, staying in the shower after ten minutes. She would just have to add cuddling up to Potter to that list.

Deciding that she was fine, Lily pulled herself out of James' grasp. His hands dropped away instantly.

“If you're really that worried, I can tell Dumbledore that it was me,” James offered quietly.

There was such softness in his expression that Lily was almost more affected by his face than his words. It was such a kind thing to offer, so out of character for the James Potter she had gone to school with for so long. The Lily of three days ago would have believed he was setting her up, planning to out her to Dumbledore instead, but the Lily of today believed him.

She believed him and oh god did she want to take him up on that. There was the escape that she had been longing for all day. No one needed to know what a mess of a person she truly was. She could remain head girl and live her life as she always had just with the promise to never make a mistake like this again. It was so easy to picture just nodding her head and agreeing with his offer that Lily almost believed it was actually happening and not just in her imagination.

Instead, she just said, “I can't let you do that.”

“It's alright. I get in trouble all the time and everyone expects it of me. Head boy doesn't mean anything to me like it does to you either, yeah. Just let me do this,” James insisted.

Lily remembered how he had thanked her for not telling Dumbledore that he wasn't fulfilling his duties as head boy. She thought that maybe being head boy meant a lot more to him than he let on.

“I don't think being head girl would mean anything if I let you take the blame for me,” Lily said.

The realization burned through her. She valued being head girl because it meant that she was living up to her own standards. If she threw all of those away just to keep the position, then what did that make it?

People made mistakes. Lily made mistakes. You didn't get to run away from them or bury your head under the covers because facing up to them was hard.

“What are you going to do?” James asked. He still looked put out that she was refusing his help, but he had at least accepted that she wasn't going to be swayed on this.

“Tell Dumbledore everything and maybe cry a bit if I think it'll make him go easy on me,” Lily said honestly.

“Manipulative!” James laughed. “I'll have to try that next time I'm the one in trouble. I wonder what Dumbledore would do if I just burst into tears mid-lecture.”

Lily smiled as she imagined the scene.

“The only thing I don't get is what your problem is with Williams,” James said, changing topics. “She helped you out and now you're not speaking.”

Lily was less than thrilled with the shift in conversation. Maybe Lily had known all day that she was overreacting when it came to Alice's part in their disaster. She just hadn't wanted to admit what she was really feeling. People made mistakes, even her. She had literally just accepted that fact. So the same forgiveness should be applied to Alice, and yet...

“I don't think we're really fighting over this morning,” Lily admitted softly. “I think there have been a lot of things wrong with us for a while, wrong with Alice and the other girls too. This was just kind of an excuse.”

James frowned as he thought this through. “Can't you talk about it, whatever it is?”

“Not really. You see, if we told Alice what was truly wrong...it would hurt her, like really hurt her. So, I've just been pushing it back all this time but with all the emotions of the day, it just kind of snapped out of me, and I don't know where to go from here,” Lily explained.

“I'm not going to pretend I understand everything about your friendship. I don't. But I do know I would be pissed as hell if all my mates just stopped talking to me one day with no explanation. I wouldn't think not telling me was for my own good,” James said, looking a bit cross.

He thinks I'm a bad friend, Lily realized. It was such a funny thought that she almost laughed before the shame took over.

“Alice is just...difficult.”

“Difficult? Have you met my friends? Hell, have you met me? Difficult doesn't matter when it comes to your mates. If you're mad, you punch your mate in the face and you move on,” James said.

“I don't think punching Alice is a good idea. Not the least of which because she'd actually murder me,” Lily said.

“Well then whatever the girl equivalent is,” James said stubbornly.

Lily sighed. “I think this is the first conversation we've ever had where we haven't ended up arguing with each other. Can we please not ruin it over Alice? I'm tired.”

It certainly looked like James wanted to argue, but he relented with a tight nod. Lily had always known that James was a loyal friend. She couldn't live in the same castle with him and the other Marauders without knowing that. Hell, they'd named their friend group! Who but a bunch of nerdy kids completely in love with each other would do a thing like that? That his convictions about friendship extended outside of his immediate circle and to her situation was still a little surprising though.

Lily wasn't ready to forgive Alice. That she hadn't done the proper research, fine, forgiven. But there was so much more behind it all, and sorting through all of that would expose so much about Lily that she didn't want to confront as well as leave Alice an emotional shell on the floor. It was better to wait. Another night, another day, they would talk and cry and everything would be fine again. Tonight, however, Alice would have to live with knowing that Lily was angry with her.

Wow, Lily was ready to get out of this stupid tower. It was cold and forever going to remind her of this shitty night. She stood up and James followed her.

“Walk you back to Gryffindor Tower?” he offered.

Lily shook her head. “I have to go talk to Dumbledore. Thanks though...for everything.”

James stared at her and Lily was struck by how rare it was that someone truly looked at her and not just gave that cursory glance that came with already knowing what somebody looked like. She was probably blushing from the intensity of it. How did someone break away when they were being studied like that?

“It was nothing,” James said finally in reference to her thanks. “Have a good night, Lily.”

“You too, James.”

With more bravery than Lily knew she had in her, she turned around and headed off to Dumbledore's office. She felt a surprising lightness that must have come from doing the right thing and even though the castle was still dreadfully cold, Lily was cocooned in a spreading sense of warmness.

Score  
Lily: 3 – James: 1  
Number of times Lily assumed the worst of James Potter: 0  
Number of times Lily lied: 0  
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 3


	7. Oct 6: Of Fixations, Yours and Mine

Chapter 7

James Potter was perfectly toasted. He was sitting on his bed with the boys, a few minutes before they would have to head off to Transfiguration for the morning, and he couldn't remember the last time he had been so satisfied. He had seamlessly slipped into that other realm that only weed could take him to, and he found himself wondering how he always forgot what it was like to live here. Don't forget this time. Hold on to this feeling, this understanding, he ordered himself.

A sudden wave of sadness hit him as he realized that it was futile. Something about altered perceptions or whatever. No matter how hard he tried, he wouldn't be able to truly remember just what this realm felt like after he had sobered up. It was depressing really how much they lost.

Sirius – oh he'd all but forgotten Sirius was there – passed him the bong, and he cleared the remnants of Sirius's hit. He blew the smoke out hard and fast, aiming it at Moony's face. Grinning goofily, Remus waved his hand at the smoke as if hoping to catch it. Taking another quick hit, James passed the bong off to Peter.

“I don't think I can pull off an incendio at the moment,” Peter said twitchily. “I can't feel my fingers. I'll probably light the bed on fire.”

“You've got all ten fingers, mate. I promise,” Sirius said reassuringly, but he pulled out his wand and lit the bong for Peter anyway.

“Do you ever think about how everything is so connected?” Remus asked. “Like if you had changed just one decision, your entire life would be completely different. I'm not talking about big decisions, but little things like maybe dropping your books in the corridor or hugging your mum goodbye.”

Sirius snorted. “If you see me hugging my mum, please avada me on the spot.”

Remus didn't even look at Sirius as he was so pulled into his own thoughts about connectivity and the universe. Heavy stuff he always went for. Not like James. He liked to keep it light and just ride the high wherever it took him. Everything was so funny. He didn't understand how Remus could miss that.

Except he did understand. He understood everything at the moment. In fact, he'd probably never understood Remus more in his life. He felt that he could practically hear Remus's thoughts as if he was scooping them right out of Remus's brain and depositing them in his own. James could have a conversation with Remus right there in his own head, predicting what Remus would say in response without ever having to open his mouth. What was the point of talking when you _knew_ someone so well?

“I don't think the little things change anything,” Peter said after a while. “Normally, you know the big decisions are big and you make them anyway, right or wrong. Trying to blame it on the small stuff is just evading responsibility.”

Maybe James wasn't following the conversation as well as he thought he was because Peter's response hadn't made a lot of sense to him. It hadn't felt real to him. James didn't like to think about it, but he often thought Peter was on a completely different page than the rest of them. Peter understood every little nuance of the group and how his friends worked, that much was obvious. It was more like a suspicion James had that they often missed something integral to the very core of Peter. That they were failing him in some way.

Remus shook his head emphatically and gazed off into the distance. “You're wrong. You're just trying to pretend you have power over your own life, but you don't. None of us do.”

“I have power! I have plenty of power!” Sirius said. “I have the power to walk out the door right now.”

James thought this was a pretty hilarious response to Moony's moody musings and started to giggle. Oh hell, ‘Moony's moody musings?’ He was just making it worse for himself. He really couldn't understand why no one else was laughing.

“All that matters are the little things. If I had decided to go to bed when I was supposed to or walked in a different direction or did a million other things, I wouldn't be a werewolf right now. It wasn't a big decision to take a walk. I didn't know it was going to change my life. It's all connected. One big loop of choices leading straight back to the moment we were born and then back to the birth of the universe. It's all about births,” Remus rambled with a lot of starts and stops as he gathered his thoughts.

James considered what Remus was saying. “It's like our thoughts are all connected too. You think one thing and that leads to another. You never really have an original thought because it's always coming from something else you already thought. There's never a moment when you're not thinking, so nothing is ever new. Connected.”

Remus looked lost as if he couldn't quite follow what James was trying to say. James opened his mouth to explain but was interrupted by Sirius.

“You don't think when you blow a load,” he said triumphantly. “Your brain completely shuts off. It's scientifically proven...I think. So then that's the only time something’s new. Post-shags are new beginnings.”

Just as James had been saying, his mind took a turn following the path of Sirius's words, old thoughts morphing into new ones. It was almost overwhelming. Sex made James think of girls which made James think of Lily, because obviously, which made James think of being head boy which made James think of how he needed to update the hourglasses before class and shit! He needed to update the hourglasses before class!

“I need to head to the Great Hall before class. How much time do we have?” James asked.

“Ten minutes,” Moony said. “Though really, what's time anyway? It's all relative.”

“Shut up!” Sirius ordered.

They were all far too familiar with Remus's opinions on the nature of time at this point. There really wasn't much left to say on the subject.

“I have snacks in my trunk,” Peter offered, misinterpreting why James was interested in going to the Great Hall.

“I'm not hungry. I need to add the house points to the stupid hourglasses before class starts,” James explained, standing up and shrugging on his jumper and robes.

His tie proved a bit too complicated for the moment, so he left it hanging loosely around his neck. He knew that he needed to hurry up if he wanted to make it to the Great Hall and back to Transfiguration before class started, but it was hard to rush himself in his current state.

“Eye drops,” Remus said, passing him some muggle eye drops, which were really just about the best invention in history.

He threw his head back and dropped the liquid into each of his eyes, blinking rapidly. Sirius did the same and followed him out the door. They tossed their farewells lazily behind them as they left.

James was hit by the strange sensation that always accompanied you the first time you left a room while high as if the world had irreversibly shifted and would never be the same again. It sobered him up a bit, which was probably for the best since they had class, but it was also kind of sad. The inevitability of change and all that.

“I hope they still have some toast out or something. I could eat a house elf,” Sirius moaned as they made their way to the Great Hall.

“That's the foulest expression I've ever heard,” James said laughing.

“Regulus and I once ranked the order in which we'd eat our house elves if we were stuck in an apocalyptic situation with no food,” Sirius told him.

“What the fuck?” he giggled.

“I know right. We both agreed that we'd eat mother first to spare the poor creatures. She'd certainly last us a few months, but then tough choices had to be made,” Sirius said deviously.

“You're right fucked in the head you know that? Who the fuck thinks about these things?” James said.

“What if it was just the Mauarders? Who are you eating first?” Sirius questioned gleefully.

“I'm not answering that.”

His mind was already supplying the answer though. There was the instinctive gut response, which was probably the truth, but then his mind began rationalizing different orders and supplying reasons related to body-to-fat ratios and who he thought would be the most obnoxious in a life-or-death situation.

“I'm going Peter, you, Moony,” Sirius said.

“You'd eat me before Moony?” James demanded hurt.

“Moony's smarter than you, so I'll probably need his help surviving. It's not a matter of who I like more, mate. If it makes you feel better, I'd eat all of my house elves before you,” Sirius said seriously.

James was having a hard time walking as he was doubled over with laughter. “Well, I'm cannibalizing you first my friend. You'd be a pain in the arse during the apocalypse.”

Sirius pondered this for a second before nodding. “You're probably right. If it comes down to it, please eat me first. It will warm my dead soul to know that I've nourished my dearest friends.”

They had reached the Great Hall by this point, so James jogged over to the hourglasses. He realized now that he was there that he didn't actually know how he was supposed to update them with yesterdays' house points. Was there a spell? Shit, he should have asked Lily.

He considered asking Sirius for help, but he was currently occupied scouring the deserted tables for crumbs and probably wouldn't have any better ideas than James did. They were wizards, so it was probably magical. He just needed to remember a spell that added things, which was proving extremely difficult at the moment considering how foggy his brain was.

“Err...aggrego,” James tried, focusing his mind on the number of house points he wanted added to the Gryffindor hourglass.

To his surprise, beads of burgundy sand rapidly fell into the hourglass. He'd made that spell up off the top of his head, so he hadn't expected it to work. James had never really tried his hand at inventing spells before. Was this really all it took? A little understanding of Latin and a clear vision of the results he wanted? 

Pleased as punch, he completed the exercise with the other hourglasses and then grabbed Sirius to leave. If magic was that simple to control, what was the point of Hogwarts? His thoughts swirled in a jumble as they ran to Transfiguration, just barely making it into their seats before McGonagall closed the door to signal the start of class.

The breath practically whooshed out of him when he saw Lily sitting in her regular seat at the front of the class. He hadn't remembered how worried he'd been until that moment. It hadn't been a lie when he told her that Dumbledore wasn't going to expel her over a single mistake in an otherwise sterling record, but that didn't mean he hadn't been concerned that she'd spend the next day crying hysterically over losing head girl.

Judging by the back of her head, she seemed fine. Granted there was only so much you could really learn from the back of someone's head. First, her hair was falling in immaculate curls which suggested that she had spent some time on it that morning. How traumatized could she be if she could still remember how to cast hair charms? Second, she was sitting up rather straight, which meant she wasn't bent over hiding her tears her textbook. All good signs!

He wished she would turn around so that he could see her face, but she was glued to McGonagall at the front of the room. Last night, she had still managed to look pretty even with mascara and tears marring her cheeks. It almost made James angry that she had looked that good. Rather than gross, hysterical sobbing just made Lily look fragile and in need of protection. It was bloody unfair. Everything about Lily Evans was bloody unfair.

In the bright light of morning, James felt a right ponce about his offer to take the fall with Dumbledore on her behalf. The bint had never even been nice to him before. Well, she'd been pretty friendly in the heads' office on Tuesday, but beyond that he had years of disdain and rejections.

It was one thing to want her. No one was going to have an issue with that. She was gorgeous and probably the object of a lot of students' fantasies. The problem was that his obsession with her always skipped that one step beyond at even the slightest hint of acceptance on her part. If she smiled at him, he was suddenly willing to play her knight-in-shining-armor. It was pathetic. It was probably a good thing she'd never agreed to go out with him when he used to ask because Circe knew what kind of shit he would have been willing to do for her then.

His brain was operating a little bit slowly that morning because it was only halfway through class that he realized that Lily usually sat next to Alice in Transfiguration. Today, Williams was off in the corner of the room next to a seemingly put-off Slytherin who had left a lot of space between them and Lily was next to Harper Dyer.

That Lily was kind of a shit friend had been a shock to him. He had never really speculated on Lily's faults before beyond her harpy-like attitude and refusal to give him the time of day. She had such a butter-wouldn't-melt-in-my-mouth demeanor that seeing her be cruel to someone she was supposed to care about was completely unexpected.

If it had been any one of the other girls, James probably would have chalked it up to girl nonsense and not thought anymore about it, but this was Williams. She was the coolest girl in Gryffindor, hell in Hogwarts. She wasn't just a girl that he knew from classes or the occasional chat in the common room. She was a friend.

Normally, if a friend was being treated like shit by a group of people, James knew exactly what to do. Hex first, ask questions later. He figured Alice was owed that level of loyalty. But the group of arseholes in question were Lily, Sheila, Mary and Marlene, which made it a bit harder to work out what the right course of action was. He'd have to kick his own ass if he hurt any one of them. Hell, Sirius would kill him on principle – all Gryffindor girls were owed a certain level of protection. It was articulated in the Mauraders' code but even if it wasn't, it would have gone without saying.

All that was really available other than walking up and sucker-punching one of the girls, which was obviously not an option, was meddling, and James Potter loathed meddling. People should mind their own and not interfere. He hated people that tried to involve themselves in Mauraders' business. He couldn't stoop to that. Yet, he couldn't figure out what else he could do to wipe that miserable expression off Williams' face.

In a way, he was most appalled that they were being so obvious about it. Anyone who bothered to look would realize that there was trouble brewing amongst the Gryffindor girls. In comparison, no one at Hogwarts had any idea that the Marauders had ever had so much as a petty spat before as they took great care to leave an enigmatic and unapproachable impression wherever they went. Their business was their own, and the privacy they maintained was what would ultimately keep them safe.

He managed to pay attention for the majority of class even though he was feeling kind of inadequate since he couldn't figure out where he stood on anything. When McGonagall passed back their essays from last week, he was unsurprised to see he'd scored an E. It was his most typical grade in Transfiguration if he didn't bother to actually work at it. McGonagall would probably cry with pride this month as he transformed all of those Es into Os.

“Why aren't I still high?” Sirius bemoaned as they left class and started their walk to the dungeons for Potions.

“All good things must come to an end,” Peter said sagely.

“We could stop off in the bathroom before Potions,” Remus said, patting his pocket covertly to indicate he was carrying more weed with him.

“There's not time,” James said. “Or at least anyway, I'm not interested.”

Remus shrugged. “You lot never pay anyway. I really shouldn't be so generous. Shit company all around.”

Sirius gasped, offended. “Pay? Pay? You want your poor, disowned best mate to pay for his spliff? I've never heard of such a thing before. Prongs, have you ever heard of such a thing before?”

“Does seem a bit callous, Remus,” James agreed.

“I'm not made of galleons,” Remus said, rolling his eyes.

James clapped him on the shoulder, “I'll pay you later today alright, for all three of us. Hell, I'll buy your pot for you from now on if you like.”

Remus looked embarrassed. Money really meant nothing to James. He had a lot of it and unlike Sirius was in no danger of being cut off. The only reason he didn't spoil his friends rotten was because it made Remus and Peter uncomfortable as they hadn't grown up with that kind of money. Sirius, on the other hand, all but demanded it. He had been happy to run away from his mother and her money but only knowing that he was running straight into the Potter's overflowing bank accounts. Pampered little ponce, James thought affectionately.

“I don't want you to do that, James. But if you sometimes could pay for yourself and Sirius that would be nice,” Remus said a little stiffly.

They were stopped outside of the Potions classroom by a call of Sirius's name. Turning, James saw it was Marlene McKinnon who was rushing towards them. James couldn't remember the last time McKinnon had spoken to him or Sirius of her own accord and especially not alone like this.

“I'm sorry to bother you but I was hoping to ask you a question,” Marlene said quickly, as she hurried towards them.

“Ask away,” Sirius said.

His face automatically adopted the ingratiating look it always bore when he was talking to women. None of them were bad with women, his situation with Lily notwithstanding. Even Peter who was less attractive than the rest of them had a certain intensity that attracted a type of girl. Sirius operated on a completely different level though. He was relentlessly charming and schmoozy. They all found it rather disgusting, but it was hard to fault since it was so effective. James figured he would probably do the same if he thought he could pull it off. Instead, he opted for more of a blustery swagger followed by big, guileless eyes. He'd been told he could play boyish charm quite well.

“You probably don't know this, but I write for the school paper,” Marlene began.

“I may have read a few articles that mentioned my name, yes,” Sirius said.

It was the wrong thing to say as it made Marlene clam up and begin to stammer. Apparently it had never occurred to her that they could read her column and the accolades she bestowed upon them. Rather silly of her. All of them but Remus enjoyed attention, so they obnoxiously crowed over any article in the Hogwarts Daily Mail that focused on how dreamy they were. James and Sirius had made a competition of it, tallying how frequently they were mentioned and comparing at the end of the week to see who came out the winner.

James was winning in quality since he had made the cover story on Monday but Sirius had him in total mentions.

Collecting herself, Marlene continued, “Well, my editor was hoping to get a features column of interviews with students of interest and your name was brought up. Would you be willing to sit down for a couple of interviews? We were hoping for a series, but if you only have time for one, I would completely understand.”

“My time is your time. In fact, I'm free tonight after dinner,” Sirius answered smooth as you please.

“After dinner? Great that's really great!” Marlene said brightly. “Sorry to keep you!”

She hurried into the Potions classroom, unwilling or unable to keep up the conversation any longer. Sirius looked enormously pleased with himself, probably a mix of having been chosen over James and Marlene's stunned reaction to him.

“Please don't fuck her,” Remus groaned.

Sirius chuckled. “Why not? She's cute and she's practically gagging for it.”

“I think she'd die. I think her heart would literally be unable to take it and she'd die,” Remus said.

“Many women have been worried their hearts wouldn't be able to handle it. Sometimes being this devastatingly handsome is a curse,” Sirius nodded sadly.

“I'm serious,” Remus warned.

Sirius for his part just shrugged. It wasn't like he had active designs on any one woman. He always just let the cards fall wherever. The exception of course was Celia Vance who was to die for. She'd earned a little active wooing on Sirius's part. Wooing that had been successful and the prat still hadn't shut up about.

They all settled into their normal seats in Potions and listened as Slughorn explained the assignment for the day. Felix Felicis, the luck potion. It was a pretty interesting potion though James thought it was a bit silly that people didn't use it more frequently. He understood that it was a pain to brew, but shouldn't the ministry be making it in bulk? Every auror fighting death eaters should take a couple of swigs before heading out into battle. It would probably save a lot of lives in the long-run even if it was expensive. The cynic in him chimed in that an auror’s life was probably valued at a lot less than the sum cost of the ingredients and potioneer’s time, at least in the eyes of the ministry.

“As our friend Felix does not guarantee results and can make the drinker rather brash, I would caution that it is not for everyone. In certain hands, it would be extremely dangerous,” Slughorn lectured.

Slughorn stared rather pointedly at James as he discussed the arrogant personalities that would probably fling themselves off a cliff and to sudden death if they imbibed the luck potion. When Slughorn had decided James was the devil himself wasn't clear to him, but the man made his dislike a little too evident. It was probably their feud with Snivellus, since the git was a favorite of Slug's.

Regardless, James still always received an invite to the ridiculous Slug club parties on the merit of his name alone. He almost never attended. If he did decide to go, it was mostly just to annoy Slughorn, who would be torn between his dislike and his desire to show James off like a prized show hippogriff.

Slughorn introduced a little competition. The brewer with the best potion would get to keep it. James wasn't really interested in getting his hands on any bottled luck. He honestly had it pretty good as far as things went. Confidence wasn't something he had to fake and that was really all the potion seemed to provide. He was, however, in the middle of a bet with Evans that required he do well in classes, so James paid extra attention to the instructions.

James considered trying to switch partners, so that he could work with Remus who was likely to be much more attentive to the brewing than Sirius, but figured that would come off like he was desperate to win. So, he started on the potion while Sirius picked at his fingernails disinterestedly.

He watched Lily to get an idea of how she was going about her potion since she always did so well, but then he realized that watching Lily was a bit distracting – she had such milky white hands and gripped her knife so competently. So, he begrudgingly switched his gaze to Snape, who he figured did just as well and would be less of a problem to watch.

The Slytherin didn't seem to notice that his every move was being cataloged, continuing obliviously with his work. James did his best to follow Snape's movements. There were a few times that he deviated from the recipe that Slughorn had written up on the board. James hesitated, unsure if it was wise to make up his own potion as he went along but ultimately figured that Snivellus's had yet to blow up in his face so it was probably fine.

Annoyingly, staring at Snape did eventually lead his thoughts back to Lily. The two had been so bizarrely intertwined for years. Everyone had tried so many times to convince her that she was wasting her time on someone undeserving. Hell, James had almost ended up in the hospital wing once for telling her just that.

When he was young Snape had been a pathetic wormy thing, crawling after Lily and the gits in Slytherin every chance he got. As he grew up though, he became plain evil. The words death eater might as well have been stamped onto his forehead. It had always been galling to have Lily treat him like the scum of the earth and then turn around and watch her pet at Snape. Her definition of scum was clearly very faulty when she was younger.

At least Lily had gotten the hint now. She never even looked in the git's direction let alone spent any time locked away in classrooms with him. This dismissal had no apparent effect on Snape as he still constantly tried to regain her interest. James could punch the slimy tosser every time he even looked at her.

It was with an embarrassed groan that James realized he was once again obsessing over Lily Evans. There was only so many times he could think about her in a matter of hours before it became ridiculous. It wasn't usually this bad for him. Having her lean on him last night, feeling the press of her little body, must have fucked him up a lot worse than he had realized.

“Distract me,” James ordered Sirius.

“You want me to distract you while you're chopping things up with a knife?” Sirius questioned dubiously.

“Yes.”

“Might I ask what I'm distracting you from?” Sirius asked.

“No.”

“Right, so you're worked up about Evans then,” Sirius said as if it were a foregone conclusion, which caused James to glare at him. “The weekend's just around the corner and we haven't come up with anything to do, which is absurd. I think we should throw a party, something inter-house, get completely sloshed. What do you say?”

“Saturday's the Ravenclaw party,” James pointed out.

“I don't fancy spending my night with the droves of Slytherins they always invite and that still leaves Friday unaccounted for,” Sirius said.

“What do you have in mind?” James asked, still watching Snape to study his movements but less lost in his thoughts now that Sirius was talking to him.

“Swimming,” Sirius said excitedly. “The east side of the Great Lake isn't visible from the castle so there's no way anyone will see us, and it's far enough away that we can make a racket and still no one will hear.”

“It's October,” James said horrified.

“Remus actually came up with the idea a month ago and he went to the library and found self-warming charms that should keep everyone's bits from shriveling in the water. I know it's shocking that I've actually thought this through,” Sirius said.

James thought about it. As far as ideas went it wasn't bad. It had originality on its side, which was good because everyone in the castle would be talking about how clever it was for them to think it up. And the east side of the lake was pretty isolated...

“I figure getting a girl out of her clothes is half the work and that will already be done for us,” Sirius continued, extolling the virtues of his plan. “I'm really not sure why we haven't thought of this one before.”

“We'd need a lifeguard. We can't have some ponce getting pissed and drowning,” James said.

Sirius knew that meant James was in. Once he started listing the steps needed in perfecting a plan, there would be no more concerns raised by him.

“How very head boy of you. I'm starting to see just what Dumbledore was thinking,” Sirius said.

James didn't think introducing safety measures into his forbidden parties was particularly head-boyish. Stopping restricted activities would be more in line with what Dumbledore was probably hoping for.

“You know who would probably do it?” James asked. “Marlene McKinnon.”

Sirius laughed, “You're right. Should I ask her tonight?”

“As long as she knows how to swim, I think she's perfect for it,” James said.

When Slughorn walked around to inspect everyone’s potions, he was brought up short by James’ work. It was a little offensive how pronouncedly shocked he was that James had brewed a good potion, but he had to admit that based on his normal work he could understand. He still didn’t win the competition and receive the highest marks, that honor went to Lily because of course it did – the universe had clearly decided that everything would lead back to Evans for the day – but James didn’t mind. It was an O-effort, which was all he needed to rub his success in Evans’ face.

As they were packing up to leave, James lowered his voice and addressed Sirius, “Can you run interference for me so that I can talk to Evans?”

Sirius opened his mouth to argue but stopped when he saw the look on James’ face. It was very difficult for anyone to argue with him when he had his mind set on something, and Sirius knew the signals as well as anyone alive.

“Fine, but it’s my job to inform you that you’re acting like a right twat,” Sirius said gruffly. He spun around and shouted “Marly!” before walking over to grab the disturbed girl and steer her away from Lily.

Lily didn’t seem to have noticed that her friend had just been summarily abducted and was intently collecting her things. Her body jumped when James slapped his Transfiguration’s essay down on the table in front of her, the collision making a sharp sound that echoed throughout the now abandoned classroom. She looked up at him in confusion.

“Is an Exceeds Expectations Lily Evans levels of swottiness?” he asked, grinning victoriously.

Up until today he hadn’t really taken any action in holding up his side of their wager. Yesterday had been spent in the fallout from Lily’s disaster and trying to keep her from imploding all over the corridor walls. He hadn’t had the chance to brag like she had after that first Transfiguration lesson with the singing charms. She had made it look so fun.

“In Transfiguration, yes. Good job,” Lily said.

“Sincere congratulations? I would have expected you to tear my essay into pieces and disintegrate it in a cauldron of acid. Have you come around to the idea that you’re going to lose?” James teased.

“I’m aware that you do well in Transfiguration. It’s not all that impressive,” Lily answered prissily.

“How about the O I just got for my potion today then? That impressive?” James continued.

He enjoyed the little ‘O’ her mouth formed as she processed his news. Immediately, she was trying to hide her response behind a mask of indifference but James had seen it. She had not expected him to be able to keep up with her in her best subject.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with nothing to say!” James laughed. “It makes for a nice change.”

That wasn’t exactly true. James had never been the surly, quiet type and chose to surround himself with people who knew how to fill a silent moment. That Lily never lacked for something to say had never really bothered him – well sometimes in class it was an issue – but for the most part it was something he had just noticed about her.

Lily’s reaction to his insult was a bit off. Rather than purse her lips and get all huffy like she would normally, she sighed out a breath and her whole body relaxed. She looked…relieved. James couldn’t work out why that would be but couldn’t think of a way to ask her that wouldn’t sound ridiculous.

“I’d watch your back,” Lily warned him, lips curling deviously. “I realized last night that I was taking things too far on too great a scale. You only try to pull a stunt that big maybe once or twice a year. More often you’re content with just a few targeted attacks and well, I think I see a bullseye painted on your forehead.”

James smiled widely. “You’re coming for me? Evans, that’s so flattering!”

“You won’t think so for long,” Lily warned him sweetly.

At some point, they had both leaned forwards so that there was less than a foot of space between their faces. He could see the individual hairs of her eyebrows they were so close.

“If you need any pointers, just let me know. You helped me a bit with the head stuff, so I figure turnabout’s fair play. I don’t want you losing sleep at night dreaming up ways to torture me,” James said.

He fought back a remark about the ways she could think about him lying in bed at night. He figured a comment like that would be pushing his luck.

Lily leaned forward and brushed her hand through his hair to tousle it a bit. Startled, James reared back in surprise, reflexively reaching up to his hair. Lily laughed out loud at his overreaction. Embarrassed, he realized that she had been messing his hair up the way you would a child you were patronizing. It had just taken him so off guard to have her touch him willingly, and his brain always operated a bit more slowly when she got so close to him.

“The offer for help still stands,” James grunted out, trying to get back onto more even footing so that she would stop giggling at his expense.

“I don’t need help from you, Potter, but thanks anyway. Now, are you going to show me every score you get on every exam and essay for the rest of the month? Because I think I’ll start feeling positively maternal if you do. I could hang your assignments up on the fridge,” Lily said mockingly.

“I don’t know what that means,” James said slowly, ignoring Lily as she muttered something about how no one ever paid attention in Muggle Studies. “But keep any and all maternal thoughts to yourself. That’s just plain creepy, Evans.”

There was a time when James would have been ecstatic at the smallest showing that Lily had begun to like him somewhat, but that had never been the way he had in mind. An image of a life in which she viewed him as a son flashed through his mind, leaving him horrified. It would put him in some creepy Oedipal situation that he did not think his psyche could recover from.

He told her as much

“Why do you know who Oedipus is?” Lily asked, ignoring the content of his complaints altogether.

“Tsierias was one of the greatest seers in European wizarding history. Just because some muggle turns it into a book doesn’t mean it didn’t come from the wizarding world,” James explained a bit teasingly. Their entire conversation had been a bit teasing, no real hostility to be found.

“A play, not a book,” Lily corrected.

James could tell that Lily was ready to walk out the door and knew he would lose her once they were in the corridors. While their conversation had been pleasant, it hadn’t really assuaged his curiosity about what had happened the night before with Dumbledore, which was the main reason he had approached her in the first place. Clearly, Lily wasn’t going to just come out with it. The direct approach it would be then.

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened last night when you went to see Dumbledore?” James asked.

“Oh, I hadn’t thought you really cared,” Lily said blushing a bit. “Nothing really. It was the strangest thing, but he just completely let me off the hook. Dumbledore said I hadn’t ever broken a rule before that he knew of and didn’t want to mar my record. I didn’t even receive a detention!”

“You’re kidding!”

“No, honestly! He said that it was perfectly understandable that I had underestimated just how out of control the thestral would become and that Daisy was going to be perfectly fine. In fact, she’s apparently developed an appreciation for roaming free and is now giving Hagrid a lot of trouble by trying to escape her pen constantly,” Lily said.

“That just doesn’t make sense,” James said shaking his head in wonder.

He personally found Lily Evans to be incredibly disarming and if he were the headmaster forced to punish a sobbing Lily Evans, hell he’d probably let her off the hook too. But Dumbledore didn’t seem to be the type to go mushy at big, green eyes.

The eerie suspicion that Dumbledore might somehow know about their bet filled him. Over the years, he had been spared expulsion and other extreme punishments because there was no limit to the depths of the Potter’s bank vaults. They had bought him and his mates out of several sticky situations. Dumbledore always seemed very disappointed in James whenever this happened, but James didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. He was just using the advantages given him. Anyone with a brain would do the same. It opened up the possibility though that Dumbledore was taking pity on Lily because, as a muggleborn, her parents were not in a position to campaign for her. It might have been a levelling of the playing field.

“Does McGonagall know it was you?” James asked.

Lily shuddered, “I really don’t think so. She wasn’t there when I spoke to Professor Dumbledore, and she was acting perfectly normal in class. Wouldn’t that just be terrible though? There’s no way she would let me escape without six months’ worth of detentions, bugger what Dumbledore thought.”

“Well, it looks like everything worked out for you then, yeah,” James said, smiling a bit at hearing Lily curse but trying to keep it to a minimum.

“It was so hard to tell him,” Lily said honestly, biting at her lip. “I thought up all of these outlandish excuses to explain it away like that I couldn’t even see thestrals and that I had just accidentally unpenned one when exploring the grounds. Lies that Dumbledore would’ve seen through in an instant, of course. Then, I just said the plain truth and it worked. Who’d have thought honesty really is the best policy sometimes?”

“Good girls like you I reckon,” James said.

Lily gave him an unreadable look, maybe internally arguing that after Tuesday’s breakfast she hardly qualified as a good girl anymore. James figured she was probably still beating herself silly over that. He was glad this business was over for her sake. It rankled just a bit to see her walk away scot free as this was a competition and a healthy dose of detention would have probably cooled her commitment, but all the same, he was glad.

“Not to be difficult or anything,” Lily said, immediately sending off alarm bells in James’ head, “but I think we need to requalify my thestral prank as a rousing success.”

“You got caught and cried about it,” James pointed out.

“Well, I don’t think it should count as one of the few times I’m allowed to be caught because I wasn’t really punished for it,” Lily told him matter-of-factly. “It was essentially the same as just not getting caught _and_ I turned myself in. It’s not like I was found out.”

“You turned yourself in because you knew you were as good as caught,” James scoffed.

Lily shook her head adamantly. “I could have talked my way out of it. So the thestral recognized me. I’m head girl. I could have come up with a legitimate reason for it, and no one would have doubted me.”

James thought this was a bit rich considering the near hysterics of less than twenty-four hours before. She certainly hadn’t been this confident in her abilities then. No, it was only now that she was trying to win one over on him that she was suddenly supposed to be this ace liar who could get away with anything.

“No good, Evans. You can’t argue your way out of this one,” James said. “There’s no way you could pull off a lie like that.”

“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but I would have gotten away with it if I had let you take the fall for me. It was the perfect crime. That I have a conscience and did the right thing shouldn’t take away from the brilliance of it,” Lily reminded him.

He felt a bit sheepish at the reminder of what he had offered but did his best to hide it. Bloody difficult woman.

“Who have you told about our bet?” Lily asked suddenly, cutting off his planned reply about how she had probably dreamed him offering her help.

“Err, not really, you know no one really,” James hedged. He assumed Lily was probably guarding this secret like it was a bloody philosopher’s stone.

Lily reeled back a bit, “Wait! Who _have_ you told?”

“No one! Just Sirius, Remus, and Peter! But I had to tell them, Evans. You couldn’t expect me to keep a secret like this from them for a whole month,” James said defensively.

“Oh, goodness, you gave me a scare. Of course, you had to tell them. I never expected anything different,” Lily said, relaxing at his answer.

“Oh…then why did you ask?”

“I thought that maybe we could let the people in the know form a panel and decide our fates,” Lily answered in her bossiest voice, which James was exceedingly familiar with. “I’ve told Sheila, Mary, Marlene, and obviously Alice. I think we should just leave Alice out as she has a grudge right now and that would hardly be fair. It also gives us an even number of people on each of our sides. They’ll hear out our case and make a decision for us, as you clearly can’t be rational about this.”

James grimaced a bit but decided not to argue what was clearly a losing battle. Pranks were meant to be a laugh, but he figured Lily was going to find a way to suck every bit of fun out of their arrangement. So he might as well let her overcomplicate things on her end. At least they would be suffering together.

“Whatever you say, Evans. It’s your world. The rest of us are all just living in it,” he said, slinging his bag over his shoulder and walking out the door, leaving behind a gaping Lily.

Waltzing off before things continued had been a calculated, strategic move on James’ part. He found a little sparring with Lily to be exciting, but it tended to take a turn if he allowed it to go on too long. She had a nasty habit of backing him into a corner in their exchanges. Yes, at least out loud he usually was able to best her, but her comments would ring in his head for hours afterwards. He doubted his words affected her with nearly the same level of intensity. Today he would count as a victory as he’d managed to get out before things went too far. Plus, they had been fairly civil with each other.

It was progress…though James refused to consider what they might be progressing towards because he wasn’t nearly that pathetic. Nope. Things with Lily weren’t progressing towards anything in particular at all. Their relationship – not that you could even call it that – was just in a constant state of change as all things were. It was perfectly natural.

James wasn’t quite sure where Sirius had headed off to. There was no chance that he had decided to get to class early. They made it a point to never be in their seats sooner than two minutes before the start of class. Normally, he would just check the map to find his wayward friend, but he had left it in the dorm. Even James Potter wasn’t prepared for some mischief twenty-four/seven.

Combing through the halls systematically, searching for the familiar head of curly, dark hair, James became aware that there was an unusual level of attention directed towards him. A certain level of awareness from the rest of the student body was nothing to blink at. James was popular and commanded attention wherever he went, but this was just ridiculous.

As he passed through a group of second-years, he could feel their attention zeroed in on him. Yet, when he tried to catch one’s eye, they looked away hurriedly as if a bit frightened. They were Gryffindors too. There was no reason for a Gryffindor first-year to be afraid of him…Maybe Sirius had been terrorizing the younger students again. That could do it.

But those Slytherins were looking far too pleased as they pointed at him and laughed. Pointing and laughing at James Potter? It was a completely foreign concept.

James was utterly bewildered but decided not to pursue the topic. There was no point speculating on the gossip that had everyone so titillated. The Hogwarts rumor mill was notoriously speedy and notoriously inaccurate. It was probably just some prediction that Voldemort was going to behead him or some tosh. That would certainly explain why the Slytherins were so chuffed.

James eventually found Sirius. He was propped against a wall and entertaining a group of girls with muggle magic tricks. It was a classic move that James and Sirius had practiced tirelessly together in their fourth years. James couldn’t tell you what it was about muggle magic that witches found so damn impressive, but they all but lost their knickers over the stuff. Something about how it was charming but clever. It always led to the same accusations from whichever girl was the target about how they must be using real magic, which they could never fully defend against as a magician never revealed his secrets. Really, girls loved it.

“He’s hiding the card in his sleeve,” James sound loudly as he approached.

Sirius looked up, presumably to tell James to shove it for spoiling his fun, but stopped short at the sight of him. The girls he was with looked equally mystified at James presence. Shifting uncomfortably, James wondered if maybe he shouldn’t have been so quick to put the strange stares of his classmates out of his mind earlier. If Sirius was bewildered, something was actually going on outside the usual rumors.

“What?” James asked bemused at the same time that Sirius barked, “What the bleeding hell happened to you?”

As he so often did when he was uncomfortable, James ran a hand through his perpetually untidy hair. Only this time, he was met with something strange. His hand did not run through thick, tangled hair but rather met with a few wispy strands lying flat on his head. His eyes went wide and he began to frantically pat at the top of his head.

“What the – What’s happened to my hair?” James cried out horrified.

Sirius started to laugh uproariously, “You’re telling me you didn’t know? You’ve got maybe three strands of hair on your head, Prongs. Merlin, it must be Christmas and nobody told me!”

James whipped out his wand and tried to cast a reflecting charm on the wall, but his charms had never been that strong and it only shimmered slightly. Taking pity on him, one of the girls with Sirius cast the spell after him. The portion of the wall she aimed at immediately took on the physical properties of a mirror. In it, James was able to study the horrific reality of what his hair had become.

Sirius had only been slightly exaggerating when he said that James had only three hairs left to his head. There may have been a few more, but that was all he could boast. You could see his scalp through the wispy tufts of his hair that remained. It looked like he had gone through thirty years of balding in one class period and was now trying to hide the evidence with a terrible comb-over.

“At least now we can definitively answer who would look the worst bald,” Sirius wheezed between laughs. They had argued before that Peter was the least capable of pulling off a bald head, but James couldn’t disagree with Sirius’s assessment. There was no way Peter could look worse than this.

“How did this happen?” James breathed out in horror.

“Someone has it out for you, mate. Actually, I better watch myself. We tend to share the same enemies,” Sirius grinned.

“I just don’t understand…No…No, she wouldn’t!” James choked out suddenly as his mind began to put the pieces together.

She had the motive. More than anyone else, she had the motive.

 “Who wouldn’t?” One of the girls asked curiously.

She had outright told him that he was her target. That she was going to come after him in some way.

 “Was it Minnie?” Sirius asked excitedly, referring to McGonagall. “I always knew she had it in her. I’ve just been waiting for her to finally stand up to one of us. Just as inventive as I’d imagined she would be too.”

She had played with his hair! How could he have so easily accepted that she would just affectionately touch him after years of carefully preserved distance? Yes, she had touched him plenty last night, but that had been a one-off because of her emotional state. It was so obvious.

In a fit of temper that was almost out of character, James bellowed, one word that echoed through the halls and even though she was a distance away, she heard: “EVANS!”

Score

Lily: 4 – James: 2

Final Tally

Number of times James failed to consider someone else's feelings: 0

Number of times James misread Lily: 4

Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 1

 


	8. Oct: 6, Of Girls, Tricky and Relaxed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit content at the end if you want to avoid. Enjoy!

All things considered, having a really hot girl in your class rub balding potion in your hair so that your hair falls out in thick clumps was really not all that bad. Yes, it had been embarrassing at first. James would have happily gone through the school systematically performing memory charms on everyone that had seen him in his sorry state before he had been able to remedy it. He had, in fact, considered it, but Moony had made an excellent point that James would be unable to track down everyone who had seen him, and Sirius would have fought him viciously to keep the memory. Sirius had been loudly proclaiming all day that the first chance he got, he would be putting his memory of James baby-pink scalp into a pensieve to replay over and over again. So, yes, the whole thing had been annoying.

But it had worked out alright. Luckily, Lily had chosen to attack him right before lunch, so he hadn’t missed any classes – thus failing in his obligations under the bet – while he was hidden in the broom cupboard on the second floor panicking.

He had lost valuable time trying to convince Sirius to summon help. His supposed best friend had seemed quite willing to let James waste away in the broom cupboard as the situation was apparently “bloody hilarious.” Eventually, after countless threats and bribery – James would be out several galleons over this incident – Sirius had agreed to find Remus.

A take-charge kind of bloke, Remus had assessed the situation and quickly went to work to fix it. Within half an hour, Peter – under orders from Remus – had turned up Romeo Cohen, a muggle-born Ravenclaw who played beater for the rival team. Apparently, male pattern baldness ran in his family, so he had bought his father some hair growth potion in Hogsmeade for his upcoming birthday. He was the answer to James prayers. Mostly.

The bastard as it turned out was a good son who wasn’t willing to give away his father’s present to benefit his Quidditch rival. There wouldn’t be enough time to buy any more and what kind of son did James take him for.

Cohen’s moral superiority kick lasted all of thirty seconds before James found himself knee-deep in an intense bargaining session.

The initial offer from Cohen was that he would fork up the hair growth potion if James agreed to throw the next match against Ravenclaw. James countered that he would rather remain bald permanently and would devote his life to making sure that Romeo joined him in hairless misery. There had been no other mention of Quidditch in their bargaining. Cohen may have been an idiot, but even he knew that a threat like that from a Maruader was never empty.

Next, the dim-witted ponce had thought it was wise to demand a date with Evans, as if that was something James could easily provide. Remus had helpfully, if a bit too cheerfully, pointed out that James had never even been able to secure a date with Lily for himself, so he wouldn’t be much help in that department. James had been mostly infuriated by Cohen’s audacity in even asking. It’s not like he was chasing blokes away from Lily, but there was an unspoken claim there dating back to fourth year that Cohen was blithely ignoring. James made note to find some creative revenge to let the sod know just how poor a move that truly was.

When Cohen amended his request to a date with Sheila, James gave him a long and somewhat sanctimonious speech on respecting witches. Honestly, you couldn’t just go around trying to buy them. This was a lesson James had learned the hard way in third year when he had, foolishly, tried to buy himself a date with Evans. His cheek smarted just remembering how poorly that had gone.

James had been ultimately successful in buying some of the potion. The small portion that Cohen had agreed to part with was not enough to grow his hair back fully. That would come naturally with time. It was only enough to grow his hair out into something of an auror-style buzz-cut.

At first, he had been unhappy with the results. He kept moving his hands up to his normally moppy hair reflexively, and being shocked when his fingers met nothing but coarse hair. His opinion on the matter changed drastically, however, throughout the course of the day as he discovered that the female population of Hogwarts _loved_ his new look.

Apparently, as James learned from Celia Vance, his shorter hair made him look more masculine. His boyish good-looks had always suited him well, but there was something new and exciting about him now. Again, all according to the witches he’d talked to that day. So, all in all, he figured Evans had done him a favor.

It was about time for Sirius’s interview with Marlene, so they were all sitting in front of the fireplace in the common room, waiting for the girl to emerge from upstairs. There was no chance in hell that any of them were passing up the chance to watch what was sure to be an entertaining half hour. How was an interview supposed to go when the interviewer was so star-struck by her subject that she couldn’t speak? Would she mime her questions? And Sirius was guaranteed to have fun with this.

Honestly, Sirius was borderline insufferable though, gearing up to be the center of attention. You’d think the armchair he was sitting in was a throne with the way he was preening upon it and gesturing about as if to his couriers. They’d be sure to bring him back down to earth soon. James could never stand to let anyone think too highly of themselves for too long. Not even his best friend.

Maybe he’d hex him to have his toenails grow out in the middle of the party tomorrow. Were toenail growth curses too fourth year? He’d have to ask Remus. He had always been a good judge of those sorts of things.

“You know, it’s really not surprising that the public is clamoring to hear more about the life of Sirius Black,” Sirius was saying high-handedly. “I can’t think of another bloke who’s led a more interesting life than me. I’m fascinating.”

“That’s what the brain healers at Mungo’s think too,” Peter quipped.

“Don’t be jealous, Pete. It’s not my fault that I’ve so much more world-experience than you. If you want to be interviewed by pretty witches, you should do something interesting to deserve it,” Sirius said.

Remus clapped a hand on a frowning Peter’s shoulder and scolded, “Don’t be a bully, Padfoot.”

Sirius shrugged as if hurting Peter’s feelings was the most irrelevant thing in the world. It might as well have been. James and Sirius were a lot alike, and they both found it difficult to care about other people’s sensitivities. Silently, James even agreed with Sirius. Peter was a lot less interesting than his closest friend.

Padding down the stairs, Marlene emerged at last. She looked rather adorable, having dressed up for the occasion in some muggle clothing that looked rather severe and a pair of glasses. James thought he remembered from muggle studies that such clothes was referred to as a suit.

“I didn’t know you wore glasses, Marly,” Remus commented.

“I don’t,” Marlene stuttered out.

Sirius and James raised their eyebrows at each other before quickly looking away to try to hide their amusement.

“Good evening,” Marlene said formally to Sirius, offering her hand to shake.

Her bizarrely formal approach to this interview had James coughing over laughter. Leave it to Sirius to rise to the occasion though. He was perfectly capable of playing a part without breaking. It was his greatest strong suit in the pranks they orchestrated. A more capable liar you’ve never seen.

Matching Marlene’s gravity, Sirius greeted with a severe, “Ms. McKinnon, how would you like to begin?”

“I read that it’s best to ease your subject into the interview with easy questions to start,” Marlene informed them, pushing her glasses up on her nose. “So, I thought for day one, I’d ask the easiest questions, and we can really start to peel back the layers of who is Sirius Black in later interviews.”

“Wait, we’re doing multiple of these?” Sirius asked.

“Didn’t I tell you that?”

Sirius looked to James for help, but he just shrugged, honestly not remembering whether Marlene had mentioned they would be conducting a series of interviews or not. “I can’t recall.”

“Well, our readers find you fascinating, so just one interview won’t be enough to satisfy their curiosity. The public wants to know! So, if you don’t mind, I figured we could meet again next week,” Marlene said.

Sirius agreed and the interview started in earnest.

“Now, seventy-four percent of our readership base are witches, so I’ll be asking the questions that they want to have answered. Principally, our readers frequently ask what Sirius Black looks for in a girl,” Marlene said.

“Tits,” Sirius said without even a second’s hesitation.

“I think they mean somewhat more romantically…but, yes, we can start with physical attributes, though maybe tailor your answers a little bit to your audience,” Marlene said hesitantly.

“McKinnon, you’re asking me to lie?” Sirius gasped dramatically.

Marlene was beet red from Sirius’s teasing. You could always expect Sirius to know which buttons to push in order to put on a good show. They had barely begun and all the Marauders were wearing matching smiles of amusement. James thought that Marlene had better toughen up quick because Sirius wasn’t likely to take pity on her and make things easier. His reserves of mercy were severely limited.

“You have two options. You can keep it family-friendly or you can say whatever you like now, but know that I’m going to edit it later. Oh and you can’t complain about how I choose to edit it!” Marlene said.

Sirius weighed his options before finally settling. “Edit my words however you like.”

While the interview began in earnest, James flipped through his Charms textbook. It was hard to focus with Sirius talking up a storm to his left, but he managed to retain some information. Flitwick was a fan of surprise quizzes, which James typically blew off. He was on a mission to boost his grades, however, so he figured a quick glance through his book was a good place to start.

Sirius spent a ludicrous amount of time waxing poetic about the wonders of the female body in the crudest ways possible. The effects were somewhat disappointing. James would have bet that Marlene was a blushing virgin who would all but topple out of her chair at some dirty talk, but she just scribbled away on her leaf of parchment the entire time. It was somewhat comical to see the quiet girl intently nodding her head as Sirius described the ideal shade of a girl’s nipples, but overall Marlene did an admirable job not rising to the bait.

James remembered that Marlene had read that dirty book with Peter. Maybe she wasn’t as ignorant of these things as James had expected.

When it came time to discuss the ideal personality of a girl, Sirius was a lot less forthcoming. Marlene’s quill jabbed more aggressively into her parchment as she listened. She was clearly not receiving the answers she wanted.

“I’m trying to paint you in a positive light,” Marlene said plaintively as Sirius continued to refuse to list a single personality trait he found appealing in a woman outside of general slaggishness.

They moved on to the safer subject of Quidditch, at which point Sirius became a lot more cooperative in describing his earliest memories of flying and his favorite teams. Remus disappeared around that point to head off Merlin-knows-where. He did always like to keep his secrets. It seemed silly since James could just look at the map and find just where he’d headed off to, but he respected his friend’s privacy all the same. Moony just needed to pretend he was completely alone sometimes.

James couldn’t help but notice that Sirius seemed to be having a lot of fun with this interview and not just the malicious kind that came with embarrassing a girl. There wasn’t an audience anymore. Neither James nor Peter were really paying attention, but Sirius was still avidly answering all of the questions Marlene presented him. He laughed a lot, face open and bright. It wasn’t a look that was unfamiliar to James, but it was something Sirius usually reserved for his closest mates alone.

Maybe James would lay off the revenge for Sirius being such an attention-loving tosser. If getting to talk about how fabulous he was made him this happy, James would just have to schedule Sirius a dozen interviews a week for the rest of his life. He’d start paying for people to ask the git questions if that was what he needed to smile more.

James might have continued to sit there until bed if he hadn’t suddenly remembered that he had promised to meet Rin in the trophy room. A look at the clock above the fireplace showed that he was running nearly half an hour late. He bolted up immediately.

“I’m late to meet Rin,” he informed his friends.

Peter paled, “I completely forgot.”

“I’m sorry, McKinnon, but we have to go,” Sirius said, leaping to his feet.

Marlene stuttered her understanding and made some remark about remembering that they needed to schedule a second interview. James didn’t bother to wait and hear what Sirius responded to that as he was already bounding out of the portrait hole. He was surprised when Sirius and Peter came jogging up behind him. A group date hadn’t really been what he had in mind.

“You know, I really don’t need you all to accompany me on a date,” James said annoyed.

“It’s not like we’re going to hang out with the two of you all night. We just want to make sure that you start out okay. Besides, I’ve kept you entertained for the last hour, the least you can do is give me a few minutes in return,” Sirius said.

“We’re your alibi,” Peter agreed gamely. “You already stood her up on Tuesday. She’s probably going to be cross that you’re late today.”

James grumbled under his breath about how he hadn’t stood Rin up Tuesday as they hadn’t even informed him he was supposed to chat with her until he’d already made plans and that it was entirely Sirius’s fault that he was late today as well. Which maybe wasn’t entirely fair. He had after all been the one to set the time and place for meeting Rin tonight. But it was too fun to watch Sirius in his element, and he hadn’t exactly been pining away over this date.

In James’ opinion, showing up with his mates so that they could defend him was the definition of a bad plan. It would make it look like he cared too much whether she was annoyed with him – desperate. James tried to treat the girls he dated well and thought he did an alright job of it, but he liked to foster low expectations for himself. It was less likely they’d be disappointed and throw things if they never thought he’d make a good boyfriend in the first place. Carefully lowered expectations was how he tried to get through most things in his life.

They arrived just as it looked like Rin was leaving. She looked nice – not like she had dressed up to see him, but kind of clean and fresh looking. Like any normal bloke, James could appreciate a bit of slag in a girl, but he preferred this simple prettiness. At least for a first date he did.

Rin stopped short at the sight of them, her eyes darting between the three boys, “Hello, James…Pettigrew. Black.”

“I told you not to follow me,” James muttered darkly in his embarrassment.

“Hullo, Rin,” Peter said cheerfully. “We’re heading off, but we wanted to let you know that it’s entirely Sirius’s fault that James was late.”

James nodded eagerly at that.

“Yes, James would never be late to meet you. In fact, meeting you is just about the only thing he’s talked about for days now,” Sirius agreed.

“Sod off,” James growled before addressing Rin. “Ignore the lot of them. I always do.”

Rin smiled pleased. “I think it’s sweet that you brought them along. I understand how intimidating it can be to go on a first date.”

“That is not…! I – you look very nice,” James spluttered about.

Any other response like ‘I’m not nervous since I don’t really care about you either way’ or ‘I was late because I forgot all about you’ was likely to not go over well. Safe topics.

“So do you. I like your new haircut,” she said.

“So do I,” Sirius joined in, ignoring the unwelcoming looks that James was throwing him. “In fact, James’ new haircut was the best part of my day.”

“You must have had a boring day,” Rin said.

“Not really. I just finished up an interview for the Daily Mail with McKinnon – Marlene McKinnon. You know her, right?” Sirius said.

Rin shrugged, “I know of her. We’ve never really talked.”

“Oh I thought you would have, since you’re both…you know.”

“Both what?” Rin asked a little sharply.

“Well you’re both Chinese aren’t you?” Sirius powered on obliviously.

James could have socked him then and there. Honestly, how was he friends with such an enormous prat? Remus would have croaked on the spot if he’d been there to witness the fool Sirius was making of himself. They should know each other because they’re both Chinese? Merlin!

“I’m Japanese and McKinnon’s Korean,” Rin said, sounding as if she was forcing the words out through a mouthful of gobstones.

“Are you sure? Marly really looks Chinese,” Sirius argued. “And it’s basically –“

Peter, wonderful, glorious Peter, stopped whatever horrors that were likely to come out of Sirius’s mouth next. “He’s just kidding! Sirius is making an arse of himself on purpose so that you think James looks good in comparison.”

Sirius looked affronted by Peter’s interruption but allowed himself to be forcibly dragged off. James could hear Sirius muttering about how he’d done nothing wrong as they disappeared around the corner. Of course, this meant Rin could hear as well and would know that Sirius was in fact an ignorant git and not just trying to prop up James by comparison.

“Well, I suppose there’s nowhere for this to go but up,” James said optimistically.

Rin looked like she was considering holding onto her anger for a moment before she sighed, releasing whatever tension had lingered in her shoulders. Good, James thought, best not to start things with hostilities.

“Your friend is awful,” Rin informed him.

“I know. I’m stuck with him at this point, but if I had a do-over, I would never have talked to the bastard,” James said agreeably.

It was an enormous lie, of course, but this was not the first time James had dated a girl who hated Sirius. He had found it was better to just let them rant about his friend and pretend to agree. As far as friends went, James was loyal as they come, but he didn’t get angry hearing someone disparage Sirius. As long as they didn’t trespass into certain forbidden subjects – his family, an affinity for the dark – James couldn’t be bothered to care. It could hardly even be considered a betrayal as Sirius loved to hear these very same insults flung at himself. If Sirius wanted everyone to like him, he’d go to less trouble antagonizing everyone in his vicinity.

“I guess it’s to be expected. No offense, but you purebloods are kind of a mess,” Rin said with an apologetic smile. When James looked at her quizzically, she continued, “Well, wizarding Britain is made up of like, what, the same thirty families that all marry each other over and over again. And you’re all white! So, I guess, as annoying as it is, it’s not surprising that Sirius doesn’t understand why what he said was so rude.”

James shifted uncomfortably, and Rin, catching on to his nerves, rushed to reassure him, “It’s fine, truly. I get it, and I’m not saying you have a problem or anything.”

“I think it’s best we just stop talking about Sirius. Forget I even know him,” James said gamely.

Rin nodded, and they lapsed into an awkward silence. Damn, James was usually not this off-kilter on a date. He figured his problem was that he’d put literally no thought into it beforehand. He hadn’t even decided to ask Rin out so much as have it forced upon him. James was smooth, but even he required a little bit of preparation.

“So, what did you have in mind?” Rin said, breaking the silence. “I’m probably not the first girl you’ve invited to visit the trophy room with you, so what’s the move?”

“What makes you think you don’t get a special move? Maybe I’ve tailored it specifically to you,” James said with a grin, feeling relieved that she’d gotten things started for him.

She arched an eyebrow. “Alright, wow me.”

Fate had truly smiled upon James today. He just so happened to have the newest edition of _Quidditch Monthly_ tucked away into his robes. He’d been carrying it around all day, waiting for a chance to break it out and take a look. In this issue, the writers had ranked the top fifty greatest Quidditch players in British history. Victorious, James announced that he was going to quiz her on who she thought would have made the top ten to see how accurate her guesses were.

It wasn’t the most conventional first-date activity, but it was a lot of fun.

Rin was rather good at picking out the players who belonged on the list, though James was better at predicting which order they would fall in. Since Rin hadn’t moved to Britain until she was nine years old, she favored the more recent Quidditch players, often forgetting their historical counterparts. She argued it wasn’t fair as he’d grown up hearing the names. James might have conceded the point if she wasn’t doing quite so well regardless. The girl knew her Quidditch. It was a turn-on.

“Ashton Laramy does not belong in the top five,” James argued loudly.

At some point in their game, they had taken seats on the floor. James was leaned up against the trophy case for, appropriately enough, star Quidditch players, while Rin sat cross-legged in front of him. She was perfectly laid-back even as she refused to budge an inch to his Quidditch arguments. James, on the other hand, could feel the heat rising up his neck as he became more offended by her very wrong opinions.

“If you ask me, Laramy belongs in the top three,” Rin shot back.

“Then it’s a good thing no one’s asking you, because that’s plain bollocks,” James said.

Rin began to tally off the list of Laramy’s strengths on her fingers, “He may not have caught the most snitches in his career, but he probably will by the time he retires. In all of the games he’s played, he’s caught the snitch eighty-seven percent of the time. Eighty-seven! That’s unheard of. His eyes are amazing. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he puts a tracker on the snitch the way he can sense it out. And you can’t possibly argue that he’s not the fastest flier in the league right now.”

“Quidditch is a team-sport, and I’d be shocked if Laramy can even list all the players he flies with,” James argued. “Remember when he lost the World Cup against Belgium because he caught the snitch while his team was down two-hundred points? Remember that?”

“No, James, I’d completely forgotten. It’s not like it wasn’t all anyone could talk about for weeks or anything,” Rin said drily.

James shot her a dirty look but continued, “A good player wouldn’t do something like that. He only cared about his personal glory and getting to say he caught the snitch, not the good of the team. Compare that to Tuggs who has to be the greatest passer of all time. He practically invented half the moves we use today, and he lifted his team up every chance he got.”

“But that only worked because his team was great – he had Davidson and Pratt! Laramy has less to work with, and by the way, I would have caught the snitch during the World Cup match too. It was obvious we were never going to catch up with Belgium, so he ended the match before things could get too humiliating for Britain. That’s what I’d call thinking of your team.”

“I’m so happy you’re a Ravenclaw right now because you would not work on _my_ team with that attitude,” James said to which Rin stuck her tongue out at him. “He should have had faith that his teammates just needed a little time. That they could pull through!”

“And you wouldn’t work in Ravenclaw because that’s just not playing smart. Better to salvage a little bit of pride by only losing by, I repeat, twenty goals than to lose by thirty,” Rin said.

“You’re just so wrong,” James said, shaking his head.

“Actually, as you can see right here on page thirty-two, the experts at the Quiddtich Monthly agree with me. Where’s Tuggs? Oh, yes, at number eight,” Rin said. “We’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

James wasn’t agreeing to anything. No matter how long it would take, he was going to get this girl to see reason. Laramy was an over-hyped prat who would be lucky to make it into the top thirty ten years from now after his popularity had waned. From her body language, James could tell that Rin wasn’t interested in arguing with him about it. They’d both enjoyed the conversation, but it didn’t matter to her what James’ opinion was. It bothered him that she could be so cavalier about defending something she believed in.

He made a noncommittal noise rather than let her know he had no intention of backing down.

“You’re cute when you’re grumpy,” Rin giggled.

“I am not,” James said, struggling not to pout. “Do you see this hair? This is the hair of a masculine bloke, nothing cute or soft about me.”

Rin’s eyes went a little dreamy as she watched him swipe his hand through the close-cut of his hair, but she hid it quickly. Not fast enough, however, because James noticed.

“I wouldn’t be bragging about that. I heard that you tried to duel Lily Evans and she hexed your hair off in retaliation,” Rin said.

“Slander! There was no duel,” James protested.

“You’re saying Lily just hexed your hair off unprovoked? No, I don’t believe you. You must have done something to deserve it,” Rin laughed.

“Evans must have you fooled. She’s a terror, I tell you. This was a completely malicious attack on my person. What do you know about Evans anyway?”

Rin raised her eyebrows at him, “Well, seeing as we’ve been friends for years now, I think I know a little bit about her.”

That caused James to draw up short. He wracked his brain for a time he had ever seen Lily and Rin together before. It didn’t particularly matter. There was no reason he couldn’t date a girl who was friends with Lily. It just surprised him. After all, he had pretty much stalked Lily for a few years. He didn’t think he could have missed their friendship.

“I didn’t know you were friends,” James said neutrally.

“I forget sometimes what a spectacle you used to make of yourself,” Rin laughed. “Everyone but you is friends with Lily. She’s lovely. It’s not like we’re best mates or anything, but we’ve hung out a few times.”

Time for a subject change.

“You know who else is lovely? You,” James purred.

“Shut up! I can’t believe I thought you were cool before this. You don’t like Laramy, you have terrible mates, and you may have the worst lines I’ve ever heard,” Rin groaned, but she was blushing at his words all the same.

“Yeah, well you’re just as cool as I thought you were,” James said.

The space between them was quickly disappearing as they both leaned forward. Their date so far had been fun – good conversation and laughter. But you didn’t bring a girl into the trophy room at night just to talk Quidditch. Laid-back as she was, Rin wasn’t bothering to play coy and pretend she didn’t know just where James was hoping this would head. He appreciated not having to wheedle past fake hesitations. Saved time.

Snogging Rin, as it turned out, was very nice. She smelled as clean as she looked and nestled nicely against his body. They weren’t exactly tearing at each other in a frenzy of passion, but James felt the natural stirrings of arousal all the same. She had climbed neatly into his lap – his legs extended out on the floor – to gain better access to his mouth.

One part of his brain was relegated to focusing on his kissing technique, making sure to lead and avoid any awkward teeth knocking collisions, but the rest of his brain was free to catalogue the feel of her. She had nice, full lips, much fuller than James’ own, that seemed to swallow his up. From where his hand was kneading just above her knee, James could feel tensed muscle. She was lightly muscled everywhere but on an almost ridiculously thin frame. He could probably wrap his hands around her waist and have his fingers meet in the middle she was so small.

“I don’t want you to get any ideas, I’m not shagging you on our first date in the trophy room,” Rin said, breaking their kiss.

“I would never,” James said gamely, as he mouthed along the column of her neck. He really wouldn’t have. He would have just hoped she suggested it.

Rin pulled his mouth back to hers, and they continued to snog almost lazily for a bit. With sure hands, Rin helped him out of his robes and removed his jumper, so that she could run her fingers across the hard planes of his chest. James studied her face as she did so, wanting to see the inevitable admiration when she saw his muscles for the first time. It was funny how often people chalked up vanity as the vice of witches because James was certainly guilty of it. When Rin’s eyes went a bit wide and her mouth fell open at the sight of him, James throbbed. Assuaging his vanity got him off faster than just about anything.

Despite Rin’s claims that there would be no shagging, they might have ended up doing just that if the door hadn’t creaked open, interrupting them. James tore his lips away to look at the intruder and gulped when he saw that it was none other than Lily Evans. Lily Evans and, oh warlocks, Professor Slughorn.

Speedy like the seeker she was, Rin sprang out of his lap and to her feet in an instant. James was a bit more sluggish at righting himself. His hands groped around a bit as he struggled to find his jumper and cover up. He really didn’t feel comfortable sitting there, tousled from a good snog and shirtless, in front of the Slug. The discomfort he felt from his professor’s presence, however, was majorly offset by just how much he _did_ want to be those things in front of Lily Evans.

“Oh my, I’m afraid we’ve interrupted,” Slughorn chortled. James may not have been Slughorn’s favorite, but he was actually pretty supportive of things like this. Of course, he then always wanted to regale you with tales of the romantic adventures of his youth, which was a nauseating experience, but he often didn’t even bother to take points.

Evans, of course, was another matter.

“Ten points from Ravenclaw and fifteen from Gryffindor,” she said, sounding the slightest bit breathless.

“Why fifteen from Gryffindor?” James demanded.

He’d stood up at this point and was in the process of turning his undershirt right-side-out so that he could put it on.

“Because only one of you was indecent,” Lily said primly.

She could have taken a thousand points from Gryffindor and James wouldn’t have cared in the slightest. It wouldn’t change the fact that she was _looking_ at him. With her stubbornness, she couldn’t just outright ogle his naked chest, but she was keeping it in her peripheral vision and she was blushing madly right through her freckles. Overwhelmed by the reality that Lily Evans was checking him out, James took longer to put on his shirt than probably any bloke in the history of the world, flexing unnecessarily as he did so.

“Sorry, Lily – erm, professor,” Rin apologized.

She wasn’t cowering in the corner in embarrassment like some girls would. This wasn’t James’ first time being caught in a compromising situation, and he knew how panicked a bird could become at being caught. James had never understood why girls acted like shagging was the world’s biggest secret. Everyone was either doing it or wishing they were doing it, so there was no point in being so bloody secretive about the whole thing. Rin was cool as you please though, which wasn’t surprising from what James had seen of her so far. She seemed to respond to everything with the same unaffected attitude.

“I was just showing Miss Evans the head boy badge of one of my students, a Mr. Edward Nott. An exceptional student and quite worthy head boy as well. He’s going to be attending my next little gathering,” Slughorn explained. “Would you like to see as well?”

“I have homework, but thank you so much,” Rin said immediately.

James agreed, and they all but ran out of the room to avoid having to hear yet another session of Slughorn bragging about someone else’s accomplishments. As he left, he threw a rather appalled look at Lily as she seemed to be listening of her own free will. He hadn’t realized she was that desperate. Also, he hadn’t seen her since the hair thing, and he was still rather sore about it.

The mood had been rather ruined for Rin, so she headed back to the Ravenclaw dormitories with a kiss goodbye and mutual assurances that they had both had fun and would do it again sometime.

Rather than head back to Gryffindor tower, James made a beeline for the heads’ office. Snogging Rin, with her tight little body and having Lily blush at the sight of him, had left James a tad to worked up to return just yet. He remembered Sirius’s taunts of just a few days past about how he would be wanking constantly now that he had to spend more time with Evans and didn’t want to confirm his mockery. Besides, they’d give him a hard time for coming back hard from a date. It’s not like any of his friends were such Casanovas that they unfailingly got lucky on their first dates, but they were boys and they’d take the mickey regardless.

He collapsed into the chair closest to the door once he arrived at the heads’ office. Straight to business, he undid his trousers and pulled out his cock, sighing loudly at the immediate release from finally having something touch his long-ignored prick. There would be no teasing tonight. He’d had enough of that with Rin. No, he licked his palm to get it wet and set off immediately, setting a pace that made clear why it was called self-abuse.

Rin’s big, plush lips flashed through his mind as he imagined how they would feel on his cock instead. Soft, pretty and pink. He tried to picture what her body must look like based on what he’d felt under her jumper. She wouldn’t be curvy, but her body would be tight and warm and lovely. Fuck.

She was so relaxed about everything though. James couldn’t really imagine her eagerly taking his cock into her mouth and chasing his pleasure desperately, not like he could imagine Evans would. Fuck, Evans. There was no way Lily wouldn’t be just about the most eager little cocksucker there ever was. All of that passion that she displayed when conquering even the most menial of tasks. She’d be a dream.

This was a familiar fantasy. There was nothing even remotely new about imagining Lily Evans sucking his cock. Her lips may not have been as full as Rin’s, but they would be soft and look so sweet, wrapped wide around his prick. He remembered the second Hogsmeade trip of last year when she had worn that devilishly red lipstick. God, he’d been a mess that day watching her laugh and smirk with her friends with her mouth painted like that. James pictured her lips like that now and applied that to his fantasy.

There was something a little more visceral about this fantasy tonight. Partially, it was the setting. He was sitting in the heads’ office. The space the two of them shared. If he was ever so fortunate as to convince Evans to give him a go – as unlikely as that was – it would be easy to drag her in here and make this very fantasy a reality. It’s like the professors condoned the head students fucking each other senseless. Why else would you give them a private room like this?

More than anything though, James was worked up from remembering her eyes. When she took his cock into her mouth, she’d stare up at him with those luminous, green eyes. There would be no cold exterior then. Every thought would be written plainly on her face for him to read. He imagined she would be nervous, looking to him for reassurance that she was doing a good job, horny, needy.

That thought was his undoing, and he bucked up fiercely into his hand. He imagined doing the same within the confines of her mouth, knocking the back of her throat and feeling the tightness as she panicked. How her eyes would widen as she reacted to the unexpected sensation, but then warm with pride and satisfaction as she felt him spill down her throat.

Exhausted, James reclined in the chair, not bothering to clean himself. He was reconsidering his friends’ concerns. Maybe he really did need to get laid.

 


	9. Oct 7: Of Magic, Bitter & Sweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the two-week wait. I had the flu. Here’s an extra-long chapter to make up for it.  
> Warning for this chapter. There is a lot of alcohol consumption and some sexual situations (no sex) that occur while characters are under the influence. If that kind of blurred consent makes you uncomfortable, you can just skip the end of the chapter. I can reassure you though that there is nothing predatory about the scene and no character walks away feeling used or abused.  
> Thanks for reading!

The seventh year Gryffindor girls were all crowded inside their shared bathroom. It was frustrating how Hogwarts was so mobile, willing to expand and contract in order to fit the needs of the students, and yet the bloody bathroom mirrors stubbornly remained too small.

“Ouch, watch the elbows!” Mary ordered as Shelia almost knocked her out of the way.

Friday’s classes had slipped by without incident and now it was nearing curfew, which meant it was time to have a little fun. Tonight, the Marauders were throwing a party at the Great Lake. It was a completely irresponsible, terrible idea, but it was also the most exciting party happening that night. The Hufflepuffs had been organizing a party beforehand, but that had been cancelled once news of the Marauders’ competing party had broken. No one would have bothered showing up to the Hufflepuffs’ now.

The Marauders knew how to throw a party. Everything from the invitations to the spectacle they would make of themselves once it started was aimed to amuse their guests. This time, the invitations had been delivered in the form of temporary tattoos that magically appeared on the guests’ bodies with the time and place in glistening red ink.

Lily had thrown only a tiny fit when her tattoo appeared somewhere far too obscene to ever be revealed in public. Wankers.

It was unfortunate that this party had been thrown so last minute as there was actually a lot of preparation necessary. To start, none of the girls had any bathing suits as swimming in the Great Lake was forbidden and it wasn’t like they had a swimming pool. The girls had spent a good portion of the afternoon trying to properly transfigure their robes into bathing suits for the party. It was actually quite difficult to get the sizing right – and a bikini was not something you wanted to be sized improperly.

Now, they were all trying to work out how to do their hair and makeup in such a way that it wouldn’t fall apart the second they got in the water.

“Can we just take a moment to appreciate how nice it is to be able to do this without having to listen to Alice complain about how we’re all shallow bitches?” Lily asked, as she flicked water-resistant mascara onto her eyelashes.

“Yes, wow. You’re right this needs to be savored,” Mary laughed.

Ignoring Alice had not been difficult since Wednesday. The girl had made it extremely easy by disappearing any time the four of them were anywhere in her vicinity. She would probably be at the party tonight as it was being thrown by the Marauders, and they’d adopted her for now. Perhaps uncharitably, Lily didn’t think their generosity would last. It was easy to spend time with Alice for a few days, but as the weeks passed and they realized the other Gryffindor girls weren’t going to be quick to forgive, they’d probably become sick of her as well.

“I still can’t believe they stuck you with playing lifeguard,” Mary said to Marlene.

“I’m not stuck with it. I’m honored that they trusted me enough to ask,” Marlene insisted.

Sirius Black had asked her earlier that day if she would mind abstaining from drinking in order to make sure nobody drowned. Lily had been rather shocked at that level of foresight coming from Black as he didn’t seem the type to plan things through. She figured she must have misjudged him a bit if he was taking the responsibility of keeping everyone alive. Or well, delegating the responsibility to Marlene at least.

“It’s not an honor, Marls,” Sheila said, rolling her eyes. “They asked you because they knew you wouldn’t say no and nobody else wanted to be stuck sober the whole party.”

“If that’s the case, why didn’t they just ask Lily?” Marlene challenged.

“Because Sirius Black is in love with his hair and doesn’t fancy being bald. Haven’t you heard? Lily’s a bad girl now,” Sheila chuckled.

Lily magically removing Potter’s hair had delighted her friends to no end. They had found a way to work the incident into almost every conversation they’d had together since Thursday. All of the praise had left Lily feeling pretty smug about the whole thing.

“I would have said no if they asked,” Lily said. “I’m planning to get plastered tonight. You’ll have to levitate me back to the common room.”

The last week had been…intense. Hogwarts was never exactly boring. Lily may have had a fairly complicated relationship with the magical world, but even she couldn’t say that she found classes where you learned magic and a castle that seemed to have a mind of itself dull. The typical week, however, did not normally bring about so many ups and downs.

Lily figured that she had earned the right to have a bit of fun. The first time Lily had really let her hair down at a Hogwarts party, everyone had been shocked. She should have brought a camera to take a picture of Black’s face when she took her first shot as his expression of disbelief had been rather amusing. Despite her insistence on adhering to the rules, Lily did actually know how to party. She was nowhere near as wild as her classmates, but she wasn’t so prudish as to whinge on about the dangers of alcohol or anything like that. She liked to have fun too.

“I’m taking picture evidence to hold against all of you. I’ll show you just how much fun you can have sober,” Marlene giggled.

Sheila screeched a little bit, interrupting them. She was holding the bottle of water-resistant sleekeazy upside down and banging on the bottom, but it was clear nothing was coming out.

“Who used the last of it?” Sheila demanded.

Lily glanced at Marlene’s still frizzy hair and her own limp locks before zooming in on Mary’s sparklingly, sleek hair. There would be no need for three guesses as to who the guilty party was.

“Are you insane? Now I won’t be able to get my hair wet!” Sheila accused.

“Relax, it’s not a big deal. Just forget about your hair and swim anyways,” Mary said.

Sheila groaned, “I’m black! I can’t just get my hair wet like that. It’s like you’re actually trying to kill me, MacDonald.”

“It’s a lake,” Mary said pointedly. “No chlorine or salt to be found. You’ll be fine.”

“How do you know there’s no salt in there, huh? A giant squid survives in it! That means salt!” Shelia argued.

“Do squids require salt to live?” Marlene asked thoughtfully.

Lily pulled out her wand and performed a quick braiding spell, so that Sheila’s hair twisted into a series of tight braids.

“That helps, right?” Lily asked hopefully.

Sheila inspected her work in the mirror, pulling at the braids petulantly.

“It will have to do,” she said morosely. “I really wanted to wear my hair done though.”

Sheila sent Mary another annoyed glare, but the crisis had been averted.

Sneaking out of the castle after curfew was not any of their strong suit, so the trip to the Great Lake was nerve-wracking. Every shadow took on a foreboding resemblance to Mr. Filch, who would only be too happy to catch them out of bed after curfew.

 When they arrived, the party was already in full swing. There must have been noise-charms on the area because no one was bothering to keep the noise-level down, and the party-goers could have woken the whole village of Hogsmeade with the ruckus they were making. Lily spotted at least seven extreme rule-violations in her first glance around, but she was off-duty and here for a little fun herself.

“I need a drink!” Sheila yelled into Lily’s ear.

Someone was blasting music, so it would be necessary to scream their conversations for now. Lily loved nothing more than a party where you couldn’t hear yourself think let alone anyone else. She was too zeroed in on everyone else to unwind under normal circumstances. She’d been to enough parties where everyone sat in a circle talking to know that she would end up barely drinking, too focused on what everyone was talking about and policing her own behavior to have any real fun.

Lily grabbed Mary’s hand and pulled her toward a make-shift bar where what looked to be a fourth or fifth year was playing bartender. The Marauders had probably told him his invitation to the party was contingent on serving drinks for a portion of the night. Younger students were so eager to get an invitation that they were willing to act as servants and not even enjoy the party in the hopes that the Marauders would be more generous for the next event.

Last year, the Marauders had tried their hand at a little mixology. The wizarding world had always had a rather lackluster array of available alcoholic drinks, while the muggle world had variety but less interesting effects. The Marauders had tried to meld the two – the results were a line of muggle drinks, each with a very specific effect. They were a hit. Lily was secretly extremely impressed that they had the smarts and potion-brewing abilities to create such sophisticated drinks. None of the Marauders had ever displayed an affinity for potions as far as she had seen in class.

Figuring it was a night to really let go, Lily ordered a Villainous Vodka.

“Wow, feeling frisky?” Sheila teased.

“I told you I was here for fun. After the week I’ve had, I deserve it,” Lily said.

“Well then, better make that two,” Sheila grinned.

Mary went for the far more sensible bubbling beer. That drink was guaranteed to make you feel a bit perky while buzzed and then progressively giddy as you drank a few more. It was also a safe option because the effects wore off rather quickly and didn’t leave you too intoxicated, just like a normal muggle beer. Villainous vodka on the other hand…well let’s just say that it made the drinker the life of the party.

Glumly, Marlene eyed their drinks before shouting her goodbyes, “I have to go watch the swimmers!”

“I’ll go with you,” Mary volunteered immediately.

They both walked off together, leaving Lily and Sheila alone. Toasting, they downed a shot before accepting a mixed drink from the bartender.

“What first?” Lily asked.

“I’m going to find my boyfriend,” Sheila said a little apologetically.

Lily shrugged it off. They were in a room full of people – well not technically a room, but the point stood – and she wouldn’t have a hard time finding company if she needed it. And at that moment, company was the last thing that Lily Evans wanted.

First things first though, Lily cast a warming spell on herself so that the crisp night air wouldn’t irritate her. She was feeling plenty warm from the shot she’d already downed, but she didn’t think any amount of vodka would keep her warm once she dove in the Great Lake.

They were playing some wizarding rock band, the kind with gratuitously long guitar solos and lots of growling about partying and drugs. Lily rolled her eyes at the choice. Clearly, a boy had chosen the music. She enjoyed rock and roll; it had its uses, but dance music it was not. The few boys that were dancing, if you could call it that, were mostly just nodding their heads along and playing the air-guitar.

It was times like these where Lily missed disco. Say what you will about how it was poppy, mindless music, but disco was _fun._ It was an opinion best kept to herself, however, as she would end up having to fight off swarms of boys trying to introduce her to real music if she ever said such a thing out loud.

She had to push her way into the swarm of dancing bodies. These things were always so much better when you were at the center, feeling the swell of people shift with the music. Lily closed her eyes, found the beat of the bass, and danced.

Lily danced for what felt like hours, shimmying to the music and proving that, while rock and roll was not made for dancing, anything was possible if you put your mind to it. By the end of her dancing, her drink was long gone, spilled all over the ground and partially on one disgruntled reveler.

Fighting her way out of the throng of bodies, Lily made her way back to the bartender for another drink. While she waited, she felt two arms slide around her waist and a chin prop against her shoulder. Normally, she would have been startled by the presumption – they were very male arms – but she was a little too keyed up from the vodka to care as much as she should have. Though she cringed a bit in embarrassment at how sweaty she must be from all of that dancing.

Erik Carmichael was a Gryffindor sixth year. He was tall, fit, and on the Quidditch team. He was also rather infatuated with Lily and not at all subtle in the ways he chose to show it.

Typically, Lily was rather put off by boys she considered show-offs and didn’t appreciate obvious romantic overtures. Ahem, Potter, ahem. But, Erik had a few things going for him. One, he was friends across school houses and didn’t seem to encourage house exclusivity like so many other students did, which Lily thought was rather mature. Two, he was muggle-born. He was actually just about the most overt muggle-born she’d ever met at Hogwarts. If he didn’t understand something or wasn’t familiar with some wizarding custom, he was unafraid to loudly ask for an explanation.

In comparison, Marlene would play along with things she didn’t understand until she could get Mary alone to grill her. So many muggle-borns were embarrassed to admit that after so many years there were still facets of wizarding society that eluded them. It almost seemed like playing into the hands of blood supremacists to admit any deficit of understanding.

Erik managed to skip that insecurity entirely. Lily rather liked that about him. She also liked his blue eyes and shoulders, but that was another matter entirely.

“Our head girl is drinking! I’m not sure how I’m expected to become a functional member of society when I’m presented with such bad role models,” Erik teased.

“I think there’s never been a finer role model,” slurred Dustin Pines, a Hufflepuff who had come up to stand beside them.

He stumbled a little bit but caught himself on Lily’s shoulder. Shrugging him off resulted in Lily removing both boys from her person and allowed her to turn around and face them.

“You’re very drunk,” Lily commented.

“Yes, I am,” Dustin admitted without a moment’s hesitation. “You’re not drunk enough.”

Lily couldn’t argue with that. She accepted the drink that Henry passed her.

She gagged a bit at the taste. Someone had thought it was a good idea to use pumpkin juice as a mixer, which was disgusting on so many levels.

“You’re good at potions, right?” Dustin asked.

Lily nodded, “I’m alright.”

“She’s being modest. Slughorn talks about her constantly. Says she’s a bleeding prodigy. I’ve heard rumors that he’s petitioning the ministry to let him adopt her,” Erik said.

“God forbid,” Lily giggled a little uncontrollably.

Surprised at her response, she sniffed her drink a little more closely and caught the faint whiff of giggling gin. Wonderful. Giggling gin and Villainous vodka were not a good mix. Her body would soon be warring between the competing desires to devilishly hit on everything in sight and fall to the ground laughing. She’d seen it happen to other witches before, and it wasn’t pretty.

“I’m trying for an OWL in Potions this year, and I swear that Slughorn is barmy. He can’t expect me to complete all of that work. Sixteen inches, Evans! Sixteen! That’s how long the report on lizard eyeballs has to be. Have you ever heard of such a thing?” Dustin demanded.

“Yes, it sounds familiar to when I was in fifth year,” Lily answered drily.

“I’m so glad for sixth year. It’s neat that they give you that little break in between the hell years to relax and calm those suicidal thoughts,” Erik said, a tad too gleeful at Lily and Dustin’s shared academic woes.

“And then Transfiguration! McGonagall may be the most sadistic witch in the world. I heard that the death eaters won’t stop trying to recruit her. Want to know why? Because she’s evil as they come!” Dustin bellowed.

“Are we talking about OWLS?” came the eager voice of Natalie Danes. “McGonagall’s really killing me with all of the work.”

Lily frowned as the conversation devolved completely into fifth years whining about their work loads. Of course she was pleased that they were serious enough about their studies to worry over them and she understood the need to vent, but this was far from engaging party conversation. She was bored. Tonight with the amount she was drinking she should _not_ be bored. It should be forbidden to talk about classes at parties…

That was when Lily came up with a rather brilliant idea. She silently slipped away from the group of students still bemoaning their classes and hurried away to a relatively isolated part of the party.

Last term, she had stayed late after one class talking to Flitwick about sound charms, which would essentially overwrite whatever a person said. The idea had rather fascinated Lily, and she’d borrowed books from the library so that she could study such charms over the summer. It had been the basis of the spell she cast so that her Transfiguration class’s words came out in song earlier that week. It wasn’t that they were actually singing, just that their words were being heard in song form.

Using such a charm now would prove difficult because of the sheer number of people in attendance at the party. She wouldn’t be surprised if there were one-hundred students frolicking around the Great Lake. Maybe if she tweaked the spell so that it covered the area of the party itself rather than the individual partygoers it would be more feasible.

Lily cast the spell the same way regardless of the alterations she planned. Her approach to spellwork had always been intuitive. The words of the incantation didn’t matter as much as the intention. Lily was not an expert on magical theory, but she suspected most people just lacked the necessary focus and used the words of the spell to channel their intentions. That seemed more reasonable than the idea that there were some words that just happened to be imbued with magical properties. To believe that Latin words caused magic to occur would require that you accepted that the language predated magic itself, which did not fit into wizarding history records at all. Lily had checked.

With her spell cast, she slinked back towards Henry, Dustin, and Natalie to see if it had worked. Sure enough, as Natalie went to prattle on about her class schedule for next week, her words came out muted. She looked alarmed and clutched at her throat startled, but no matter how hard she tried, she could not force the word “class” out. Or at least, she could not hear the word once it was uttered.

Lily had placed an obstruction charm on the word “class” and any variation thereof. While people could obviously get around it by just avoiding the word itself, she hoped that it would encourage people to enter a little more into the party spirit.

Plus, it was a great prank. She knew James would approve wholeheartedly of this one.

Feeling utterly pleased with herself, Lily removed her robes and dove into the lake for the first time. It was strange to feel the cold water on her skin but not feel chilled by it because of her warming spell. The water did not feel warm per se, so much as the negative effects of the cold were just sliding off of her. She wondered if purebloods ever considered these kinds of things or just took for granted that the spell accomplished the end goal without caring how the spell achieved it in the first place.

“Don’t go any deeper!” Sheila yelled. “You don’t want to get drowned by a grindylow.”

Lily turned at the sound of her friend’s voice to see her swimming a few meters away.

“Scared?” Lily said even as she swam towards the shallower portion of the lake.

“Only of what a fuss you’ll kick up if you really are drowned. You’d probably become a ghost and haunt Hogwarts forever, warning about the consequences of underage drinking and parties.”

“Where’s the boyfriend?” Lily asked.

“Getting me another drink,” Sheila said.

Hmm…Lily had been enjoying her time alone so far. The release of dancing and swimming and not having to worry about anyone but herself and her own thoughts. But as the alcohol settled into her system more fully, she figured it was time to get a little more involved.

“Bet I can swim more laps than you,” Lily challenged.

It didn’t take much more than that to get Sheila going. The two took off frantically, swimming at full bent up and down the shallow end of the lake. After only a few laps, Lily felt the tensing in her legs of muscle fatigue, but she would not be the first to quit.

Lily and Sheila were good friends. They worked well together and enjoyed each other’s companies. They were also rivals in just about every way. Sheila actually kept a tally in her journal of how many times she won or lost to Lily in various competitions. Maybe maturity said that Lily should stop engaging in these stupid contests, but Lily loved them. She found it invigorating to beat her friend, and she only felt motivated to work even harder when she lost, which was infrequent.

After nearly fifteen minutes of swimming at full-speed, Sheila finally faltered and fell behind. Victorious, Lily splashed around gleefully.

“Ha! I am the champion!” she yelled boisterously.

Sheila glared and her look of annoyance was not entirely playful. She must have been drunker than Lily had anticipated because she was usually good at hiding her jealousy. Lily was drunk too though, so she couldn’t be bothered to care. Though even sober she wasn’t known for being a graceful winner.

“Do you need me to carry you to shore?” Lily asked.

Sheila did not deign her taunts with a response and swam to shore on her own. That she was able to manage was a relief because Lily was on the verge of collapsing out of exhaustion. If she hadn’t gone on early morning runs with Petunia every day that summer, she would have surely lost their little competition. She always fell out of shape by the time winter at Hogwarts came around. Too much pot roast and not enough reasons to sweat.

“Merlin’s cock, strike me dead. Am I dreaming?” Sirius asked from shore.

He was holding a hand to his heart and lecherously eyeing Sheila and Lily as they stepped out of the lake. Lily crossed her arms protectively over her chest, hyper aware now of how she was dripping wet and in nothing but a bikini.

Lily looked away and saw Marlene sitting on the shore alone except for Mary. She wasn’t crying or anything dramatic like that, but Lily thought she saw the creepings of melancholy on Marly’s face. Lily never liked to see any of her friends upset, but they were all more protective of Marlene. There was something about that combination of bubbling optimism and shy fragility that made people want to keep her safe from the mean, mean world.

“Come on, Black,” Lily said. “Let’s bring the party to Marlene.”

“As long as you don’t put your clothes back on, I’ll follow you anywhere,” Sirius said.

Lily had been planning to do just that, but now she knew that would be the same as losing. Sirius clearly expected her to cover herself modestly, and she hated it. Damn, she was too easily manipulated into these things.

She settled for casting a drying charm so that she would no longer be sopping wet and putting her robes on but leaving them open. Born seemingly without even a hint of modesty, Sheila just walked shamelessly toward Marlene, uncaring that every guy in sight was staring at her ass.

Lily wondered if Shelia really didn’t care about their lingering eyes or if she enjoyed it. Did it make her feel powerful to know that she could stop so many people dumb and control their attention for as long as she pleased?

Boys watching her didn’t make Lily feel powerful at all. It made her feel caged and self-conscious. But she was familiar with the allure of power that came with beauty. She might not enjoy the stares, but she basked in sweet boys’ blushes and stutters. Knowing that she would leave the conversation and they would be overwhelmed by her was intoxicating. It was _winning_.

To Sirius’s favor, he followed through in bringing the party to Marlene. Lily had been rather resentful of the fact that he had asked Marlene to play lifeguard as it meant Marlene would spend the party bored and alone. It felt too much like taking advantage. He managed to round up all of the Gryffindor seventh years, minus Alice (thank god) and bring them over to entertain Marlene though, so Lily figured he was forgiven. For this at least. The list of grudges Lily held against Sirius Black was too long to be expunged so quickly.

Lily found herself rather distracted when their group was joined by James and Rin. She hadn’t spared much thought for when she caught them last night snogging in the trophy room. That was rather par for the course with being a prefect. She’d caught far too many couples in the act over the years. She was a bit surprised to see the two of them together now though. It hadn’t occurred to her that maybe they were an actual couple and not just a casual thing. James had not had a steady girlfriend since fourth year, choosing instead to “spread the love” and focus on his friends. Really he was practically engaged to Sirius as things were. He didn’t have time for a girl in his life.

The rush of annoyance at the thought that they might be serious shocked her even more than her initial surprise had. They just genuinely did not make sense as a couple. Rin deserved so much better than Potter to start. She was a genuinely nice person and didn’t seem like the type to ignore Potter’s most obnoxious behavior. Strangely, Lily was mostly thrown by how much Rin just didn’t seem like a fit for Potter. More than worries about Rin, Lily mostly just thought that Rin was too laissez-faire about her life and surroundings to match well with Potter’s endless energy. Lily had never even seen Rin lose her temper, and here she was attached to a boy that had set the record for most detentions served in their year.

Also, wow did James Potter look good shirtless. She had thought as much last night, but that was amplified now that he was wet. She felt a momentary pang of regret that his once messy hair had been cropped so short because she would have liked to see it wet and plastered to his head.

That was definitely the vodka talking.

Lily pulled her thoughts away from defined pectorals and focused in on the conversation, which was currently dominated by Sirius. He was telling a story about how at thirteen he had declared August first to be House Elf Appreciation Day and had spent the day catering to his horrified house elves, taking their chores from them, insisting they sit at the table while he poured them tea, and all around tormenting the poor creatures.

“I did not know a human being could turn as purple as my dear mother did when Dilly got into her role and ordered my mother to bring her a plate of scones. It was the highlight of my summer,” Sirius said, earning laughs all around.

“What happened to the elf?” Mary asked.

Sirius shrugged. “D’unno. I never really thought about it, but I haven’t seen her since. Probably got sacked.”

Lily frowned. That seemed to be a pretty cavalier approach to getting someone fired for something they didn’t do. Consideration, however, had never been Sirius’s strong point, so she wasn’t surprised.

At this point, Jerome walked over to join them. He wrapped his arms affectionately around Sheila and kissed the side of her head.

“What’s this? Is this an official thing now?” Remus asked drunkenly, gesturing at the couple.

“It does not stand!” James shouted loudly, while Sirius thumped his hand against his leg in agreement.

“What doesn’t stand?” Sheila asked, rolling her eyes.

“How do we know if he’s good enough for you?” James demanded. “You deserve nothing but the best, and it’s our job to make sure you get it.”

“Well, how do I prove I’m the best?” Jerome questioned gamely.

It showed a good sense of humor that he was not bothered by a group of boys – especially this group of boys – calling into question whether he was good enough for his girlfriend. Most boys would have been ready for a fight. Jerome’s body language though suggested that he was completely relaxed.

“I think a game’s in order!” Peter announced. Alcohol made Peter bolder and more inclined to lead the fun than was the norm.

“You’re right, Wormtail,” Sirius agreed. “A little getting-to-know-you for you to convince us not to throw you from the astronomy tower for daring to think you’re good enough for one of our Gryffindor girls.”

“Which, if you hurt her by the way, is exactly what we’ll do,” James said cheerfully.

There was much eye-rolling amongst the girls at this pronouncement. The Marauders had decided long ago that simply being sorted into Gryffindor nominated a girl for sainthood. They had all been through something like this at one point or another. Lily had the worst of it as she’d only had one real boyfriend in fifth year and that had been at the height of Potter’s need to ask her out constantly. The grilling had been a lot less pleasant than Jerome’s was likely to be.

“Ooh, I have an idea!” Marlene announced. “Let’s play the Newlywed Game!”

Her suggestion was met with blank stares by all of the purebloods.

“It’s a game couples play to prove how well they know each other compared to other couples. It’s fun!”

“There are only two couples here,” Lily pointed out dubiously.

“Actually only one,” Rin said. “I’m going to find my friends for a bit. I’ll join back up with you guys later.”

She leaned down and kissed James before wandering away from the group.

“That leaves nine of us, so someone will need to be the host who asks the questions,” Marlene said.

“Me!” Peter shouted, jumping in his excitement.

Marlene appeared startled by the enthusiasm for a split second before becoming thrilled that someone was supporting her plans for once. She explained to the group the rules in detail. Charming a piece of parchment, a list of questions appeared for Peter to read, and then all that was left was for everyone to partner up.

Marlene and Mary were a given, a power couple that was undoubtedly going to destroy the rest of them. Sirius had complained a bit about how that meant two blokes were going to have to couple up, but Mary had reasonably pointed out that none of the Marauders knew her or Marlene well enough to make the game competitive, and she wanted to win. Reluctantly, Lily was partnered with James and Remus and Sirius made the final pairing.

“To make it more fun, whenever you get a question wrong you should have to drink,” Remus suggested.

“We’re going to walk away sober,” Mary said, high-fiving Marlene without even turning her head to look at her.

James caught Lily’s eyes and rolled his own at the arrogant display. She had to stifle a giggle, entirely in agreement about how obnoxious her friends’ behavior was.

“Ladies and gentleman! Welcome to Hogwarts’ first annual Newlywed game,” Peter practically bellowed. His announcer voice was actually very good. “I’m your host, Peter Wormtail Pettigrew.”

Everyone clapped.

“First question, what is the color of your wife’s favorite slippers?”

“Which one of us is supposed to be the wife?” Remus asked.

“You are,” Sirius answered instantly.

“I think it’s you, Padfoot,” James drawled lazily.

Sirius went to argue but Peter cut him off deftly with a confidence that was kind of hard to believe. “Sirius is the wife and Remus is the husband. Do you need any help deciding?”

His question was aimed at Marlene and Mary.

“Oh no,” Marlene said. “I’m the wife and Mary is the husband. We decided that in second year.”

Mary smiled fondly at Marlene and nodded her head.

“Well then, write your answers in the air ladies and then we’ll hear the gentlemen’s answers,” Peter said.

Sirius muttered something under his breath about how he felt about being referred to as a lady, but did as he was told. Everyone’s wands moved swiftly in the air, writing out their answers that would appear when needed.

“Let’s start with our guaranteed winners. Mary, what color are Marlene’s favorite slippers?” Peter asked.

“They’re yellow with pink bows and white fur lining,” Mary said.

Lily realized that this game was going to end with her strangling Mary and Marlene. Damn they were going to be insufferable about just how well they knew each other.

Marlene’s answer appeared in the air: ‘Yellow.’

“That would be correct!” Peter crowed. “Ten points! Remus, what about Sirius?”

“Black?” Remus asked a little hesitantly.

“I’m sorry, the correct answer was red,” Peter sighed.

“Gryffindor spirit, mate!” Sirius yelled, offended that he’d gotten the answer wrong.

“You’ll forgive me if I don’t pay attention to your slippers,” Remus said, rolling his eyes.

James leaned into Lily’s ear and breathed, “I think their marriage isn’t going to survive this game.”

She clapped a hand to her mouth to cover the giggles. James was probably right. His friends were sending each other not-so-covert glares. If they were this pissy about question one, Lily could only hope that Remus stepped up his game moving forward.

When it came to them, James answered casually, “Green.”

Lily smiled at him, pleased. “Good guess, Potter. Keep being lucky and we could actually pull second place.”

“I’m a lucky guy,” James smiled.

Jerome answered wrongly that Sheila’s favorite slippers were pink. This seemed to work in his favor with the Marauders rather than against it as it meant he’d never seen Sheila in her slippers, which was only appropriate this early in a new relationship.

“One-month-rule,” Lily mouthed to Sheila, who smirked back.

Sheila may date a lot, but she had one steadfast rule that she never broke. No sex in the first month of the relationship. She was far too hot to risk having sex too fast or she would find half the school lined up to get in her pants. Better to make them work for it a little bit. Besides, the build-up only made the sex better.

“What was the last book your wife read?” Peter asked.

Remus perked right up and all but shouted his answer, “The last book Sirius read for fun was Celestina Warbeck’s autobiography!”

The girls all looked at Sirius skeptically, expecting him to look abashed, but he was grinning. Leaping to his feet, Sirius and Remus met with an enormous hug.

“You know me! You really know me!” Sirius cried.

Peter laughed but kept the game moving, prompting Mary to give her answer.

“Last book Marlene read was ‘Taming the Prince of Darkness,’ which is the third book in the ‘Banshee and Vampire blood soulmates’ series by Izadora Lafferty.

They high-fived again.

“Stop showing off!” Lily ordered.

“You’re giving way too much detail,” Sheila agreed.

Marlene shrugged. “She knows me. What can I say?”

Lily was already picking up her drink in preparation for when James answered wrongly. This wasn’t a question you could guess your way to victory with.

“Lily last read…”James scrunched up his face in concentration. “ ‘Discourse on Methods and Mediations in Eastern Potions Theory.”

Lily’s jaw practically made a sound it dropped so quickly.

She stared at James, awaiting an explanation as to why on earth he would know that, but he was studiously looking at the lake and away from her. Casting her gaze about, Lily noticed that she was the only one who appeared thrown off guard by his correct answer.

“You’re very observant,” Lily said quietly.

“I think I’m too good at this game,” James said. “We should start drinking no matter whether we get the answer right or wrong.”

A bubble of mischievous laughter burst through her. “I’ll match you, Potter.”

They clinked glasses and chugged some more of their drinks. Their eyes never left each other’s’.

“This one’s a toughie,” Peter tsked. Lily wondered where he had gotten the announcer voice down pat. Had he practiced? Maybe Peter was just a boy of many unrealized talents. “What is your wife’s greatest fear?”

An actual hush descended upon them. The general din of the party was just as loud as it had been, but it seemed silent amongst the group of Gryffindors all the same. Greatest fears were not fun party conversation.

Reluctantly, the ‘wives’ began to write their answers in the air, but Lily hesitates. She was scared of a lot of things, but identifying the greatest eluded her. Did people normally know the thing they truly feared, the thing that drove them to act and motivated their daily behaviors? Lily doubted that level of personal introspection was possible.

Just digging a little bit down the rabbit-hole of her fears was making her stomach churn with the early onset of panic. She was scared of losing control. That much was simple. She feared people discovering any of her secrets – saying things about her that she had not approved of and led them to believe. The why though was the real answer.

Pictures flashed within her mind’s eye – a thestral, her Hogwarts letter, Sev, Petunia. It wasn’t even a conscious decision to shut down and not explore any further. It was like she physically couldn’t.

Losing control was Lily’s greatest fear and what she wrote with her wand. It was a lie or at least an omission, but Lily was a liar, and she had never claimed to be any more honest with herself.

Remus eyed Sirius warily as if gauging whether answering honestly was a good idea.

Clearing his throat awkwardly, he guessed, “Losing your friends?”

Sirius’s answer of ‘Failing my mates’ shimmered into being. The two boys looked relieved, too relieved. Remus’s shoulders had sagged, releasing all that tension he was always carrying around, and Sirius was back to grinning. Lily wondered what the two had been worried would be revealed.

“Congratulations! That would be thirty points –” Peter began.

Shelia’s protests deftly cut him off. “No! They didn’t get it right! Losing and failing your friends are hardly the same thing. No points!”

“Just because you’re losing,” Remus muttered.

“I’m the host so I decide,” Peter said sternly.

He was once again interrupted – poor Peter – but this time by Lily. “You’re biased out of friendship. I second Sheila.”

Starting the game, Lily had tamped down her competitive instincts. With James as a partner, she had assumed there was no point in trying to win. They hardly knew each other. They were two questions in, however, and Lily’s team was tied for first place, so she wasn’t inclined to be generous anymore.

Nothing was worth winning unless everyone was playing all out. Shelia, cutthroat bitch that she was, understood that. They were really doing Remus and Sirius a favor by ensuring all of the rules were adhered to.

“Umm…you get half points, so fifteen points to Remus and Sirius,” Peter said a tad helplessly.

Sheila raised a considering eyebrow at Lily, who paused to think before nodding her approval. Sheila relaxed back into the arms of Jerome, the battle over.

“Mary?” Peter prompted, quick to move the game along. Lily figured he was scared one of them might change their mind and start yelling at him.

“I refuse to answer,” Mary said simply.

“Why?” Peter asked, furrowing his brow. “It’s okay to guess if you don’t know the answer.”

Mary’s eyes darkened as she snapped, “Of course I know the bloody answer! It’s just you lot that doesn’t need to. It’s private!”

“Ermm, I guess Marlene could answer yours instead,” Peter offered generously, causing Lily and Shelia to fall all over themselves in protest.

“Marlene doesn’t know my greatest fear,” Mary said quietly.

That shut everyone up.

In her shock, Marlene reeled backwards, pulling her hand out of Mary’s grip. Watching their fingers uncurl from one another caused a morbid sense of dread in Lily. It felt symbolic.

Marlene gaped speechlessly at her best friend, who was straining to not meet her eyes. The idea that there was anything that was left unshared between the two, any secrets, was completely foreign to everyone watching. It was clearly news to Marlene too.

“I think Sheila’s greatest fear is us breaking up!” Jerome announced with forced enthusiasm.

Lily was impressed that he, an outsider to their group, had thought to intervene. The more she was learning about Shelia’s new boyfriend, the more she approved. He had good instincts.

Shelia’s answer appeared: ‘Being single J’

Clearly Shelia was not taking the questions as seriously as everyone else was. Though Lily realized she could not begin to guess what Shelia’s actual greatest fear was. Perhaps it was just being single.

Shelia kissed Jerome on the side of his mouth and said, “You know me so well, baby.”

“No way! Those are not the same things,” Lily said adamantly.

“Yes they are! If we broke up, I would be single. Ergo, we answered the same thing,” Shelia countered immediately.

Lily was not having it. “If you dumped him because you were throwing him over for some other guy, you would never be single for a second. They’re different.”

“That would never happen though!” Shelia protested, earning a nod of approval from Jerome.

“We both know your answer was referring to being single in general and for a length of time. Don’t try twisting the rules,” Lily said.

They may have been arguing, but this was so par the course for Shelia and Lily that no one even considered trying to stop it. If say, Mary and Remus had started to bicker back and forth, everyone would have been alarmed and someone would have stepped in to diffuse the tension. Best practice though said it was safest to just let Lily and Shelia scratch at each other until one of them gave in.

“I’m going with Evans here. Half points!” Remus said.

Shelia opened her mouth to argue, but Sirius cut her off, saying wickedly, “Turnabout’s fair play, love.”

It was impossible to argue with that, so the game moved to Lily and James.

“Lily’s greatest fear,” James said, “is failing all her NEWTs.”

A pang of disappointment rushed through her. James had done so well with the past few questions that for a second Lily had thought…well she had thought he might truly know her. She could not say why the idea of Potter seeing past the charade she maintained and seeing the real her held any appeal – it was in many ways her worst nightmare – but it _had_ appealed to her.

Those past two questions had been shallow, she supposed. Anyone who paid attention could learn what book she was reading. It was not like it was a covert reading operation. Actually understanding who a person was at their core though? That was a different matter entirely.

To be fair, Lily doubted anyone truly knew anyone else. She glanced at Mary and Marlene who were back to holding hands but with a new distance between them.

James for his part was looking at Lily’s answer in the air with a furrowed brow. She suddenly regretted being so honest. It revealed too much.

“It’s time to ask some questions about our dashing husbands,” Peter said. “To start, what did you husband want to be when he grew up?”

Lily felt nervous about the shift. James may not have known Lily’s true nature, but she could not even name superficial facts about him. They were going to fail miserably.

The round started with Marlene, who spent entirely zeros seconds pondering the right answer.

“Mary wanted to be, and is going to be, Minister of Magic.”

Mary smiled appreciatively at Marlene’s confidence in her. Some of the awkwardness between them seemed to dissipate at the obvious display of love.

“I think you wanted to do something that put you in the limelight,” Jerome said, studying Shelia’s face as if he might find the clues there, which in all fairness, he might. Shelia had been known to cheat on occasion, and Lily wouldn’t put it past her to try to signal him with her eyes. “A model…no a singer. You would have wanted to be a singer.”

“Correct,” Peter hailed.

Shelia squealed in delight, “I knew you’d get it right, baby!”

The game cut to Sirius and Remus, while Shelia snogged Jerome in appreciation.

“Remus wanted to be…an auror?” Sirius asked hopefully.

The correct answer was a professor. All four Marauders looked a bit glum about the revelation. Remus quickly got past whatever had made him sad and sent challenging looks to his mates.

Lily thought the entire thing was rather strange. Childhood hopes and dreams were the kinds of things your closest friends should know, and their mention should most certainly not depress everyone. There was something hidden there.

Lily did not have time to dwell on the mystery of Lupin, however, because it was her turn to answer.

She could do this. She just had to think logically. Who was James Potter? An arrogant show-off. At eleven, he had been even worse than now, if that were even possible. He was also loudly obsessed with Quidditch, which was the desired career path of most pre-pubescent wizards.

“Professional Quidditch player.”

“Good job, Evans,” James cheered.

The second question of the round was favorite desert. Everyone got their partner’s right without any trouble except for Lily. She guessed Pie. James’ actual favorite was brownies with almonds.

Following the pattern of the last round, question three was much deeper. Who do you most want to be proud of you? The gravity with which Peter read the question made it clear you weren’t meant to answer with someone trivial. Whose opinion on yourself do you most value.

Jerome accurately guessed Shelia wanted to impress her mother without any fanfare. It was hardly impressive since everyone knew Shelia’s mother was her role model. Marlene answered with herself. Something quiet and charged passed between the two friends before they were rewarded full points for that answer. Sirius struggled a bit more answering for Remus.

“Is it a cop out to say polite society?”

“No, that’s the gist of it,” Remus said. “I wrote the world, but I meant what you said.”

Blinking, Lily stared at Remus askance. The pressure he must put himself under if he valued the opinions of so many people! He must be suffering under the weight of it all. Frankly, it reminded Lily a bit of herself, and in that moment, she pitied him.

Who did Potter care about? Lily mulled the question over in her mind. Everyone and no one seemed to be the answer based on his behavior at Hogwarts. He showed off for everyone, so he must want their awe, but he was unafraid to make enemies and he walked with the assurance of a man who thought nothing could touch him. Lily couldn’t imagine James would modify his behavior an ounce to earn the respect of some anonymous Hufflepuff.

His friends? They were all loyal to one another, and Lily believed he would be upset if they were ever truly disappointed in him. Still, James didn’t actively try to impress them as far as Lily could tell. They seemed too comfortable with each other to worry about things like that.

A distant memory surfaced. She remembered being on the platform at King’s Cross, waiting for her parents to pick her up, having just finished second year. Potter had been there with his parents.

With all the pride a thirteen year old can muster, he had told his parents how the Gryffindor Quidditch captain had promised him a spot on next year’s team. There had been more than excitement in his voice, something plaintive, and while his mother had pet at him, James had stared earnestly at his father the entire time. Beseeching.

“Your dad,” Lily said. There was no question in her voice.

“Good guess, Evans,” Sirius said approvingly.

James nodded along, and Lily found herself wanting to tell him that it hadn’t been a guess. She had known something real about him.

“The final tally! In fourth place with seventy points – James and Lily!” Peter said.

Lily reminded herself that she had always known they were going to lose. No point in being cross about it now.

“Jerome and Shelia come in third, Remus and Sirius in second, and – to no one’s surprise – Mary and Marlene have won,” Peter said.

“I think there’s a lesson here on the value of friendship,” Remus said. “Notice how the only couple lost and the best friends conquered?”

“Jerome, I’m sorry to say Remus is right. That was a not a good showing,” James sighed as if it pained him to say it.

“That’s why we’re dating and not engaged, James. The point is to get to know each other even better,” Shelia said smoothly.

“As much fun as this was, I feel I’m becoming far too sober,” Sirius said gravely.

“Everyone has to have a drink – the same number of drinks as their place in the game,” Mary suggested.

Lily gasped in horror. “That’s easy for you to say, Miss First Place. I can’t have four more drinks!”

“Not up to it?” James asked and one eyebrow flickered upwards mockingly.

You would think that after all of the times Lily had made an arse of herself just because she had been challenged by James Potter – especially lately – she would know better. If sober Lily hadn’t learnt her lesson though, then tipsy Lily really hadn’t.

Wordlessly, she leapt up and stalked to the bar, everyone else on her heels. Because the world was conspiring against her, the bar had run down to only villainous vodka and weeping wine. The latter was probably the safer option, but if James could throw caution to the wind then so too could Lily.

Lily actually sank to her knees after the fourth shot. It was taking all of her will power not to throw up everywhere. Marlene, blessed Marlene, passed her an anti-vomiting tonic. The bar was stocked for just these moments. Forcing it down was a Herculean task, but she managed and felt instantaneous relief. It was like magic.

“Does anyone else think magic is a really crazy thing? Like what’s up with that?” Lily slurred. Those shots had hit her hard.

Six sets of pureblood eyes stared at her uncomprehendingly. Only Marlene gave her a sympathetic nod of understanding.

Lily was saved from further embarrassment by the return of Rin.

“Someone’s put a jinx on saying a certain word relating to school. Every time you try to say it, nothing comes out. It’s hilarious,” Rin said.

“What word?” Peter asked.

“Well, obviously I can’t say it…okay here are some examples – Charms, Herbology, Defense against the Dark Arts.”

“What you mean –?” Sheila couldn’t get the last word out.

Everyone took turns trying out guesses until their own words caught in their mouths, signaling that they’d gotten it right.

“Who do you think did it?” Marlene asked.

“Someone brilliant,” Lily answered too loudly.

“Three guesses who,” James muttered.

Everyone laughed except for Rin who looked around in confusion as she hadn’t been let in on the secret of the bet. Lily felt rather smug that her spell had been noticed. She hoped it had taught a lesson to everyone boring enough to discuss classes at a party. Swots the lot of them! And this coming from the queen swot herself.

“Fancy a new game?” Lily asked.

Two minutes later found the nine of them plus Rin back in their original, isolated spot. Lily had her back propped up against a tree because she had nearly toppled over when she first sat down.

“I have a game. It’s called Frankenstein’s monster,” Marlene told them. “It’s where we go around and name what body parts from each player you’d combine to make the perfect man or woman. A mish-mash like Frankenstein’s monster.”

“A reference that will be lost on all of them,” Lily reminded Marlene.

“Hey! I know who Frankenstein is. I’m a half-blood,” Jerome said.

“Really? Well cheers then!” Lily said, reaching for a drink and then realizing she didn’t have one. “Wait, why don’t I have a drink?”

“It’s for your own good, sweetie. Trust us,” said Mary.

“About this game, it doesn’t make sense. If you wanted to make the perfect man out of the lads here, you’d just pick me as is,” Sirius said.

He dodged out of the way as James threw a clump of dirt at him.

Sheila rolled her eyes, “Maybe girls should go first, so you can get a sense of how to play.”

“We’ll go around the circle. Lily, you start with Peter. What’s one part that’s going on our monster?” Marlene ordered.

Peter looked like he wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Lily couldn’t blame him for his embarrassment. He was definitely the least attractive boy here, and Lily really was very pretty.

Normally, Lily would have answered quickly to spare him, but she was drunk and feeling that urge to stir up trouble that accompanied villainous vodka. It did not leave much room for compassion.

“Be a good boy and stand up so I can take a look,” Lily said with just enough of a flirtatious bite to make him blush.

Cursed as he was with uncharitable friends, the other Marauders jeered and hooted as Peter stood up per instructions. Lily took her time looking him over, reveling in his discomfort. She even made him spin around a few times – though it made her dizzy to watch – in order to get the full view.

“I’ve got it!” Lily announced.

Peter looked relieved for all of a second to sit back down before he realized that meant Lily was going to give her answer and the look of panic returned.

“Our perfect man will have Peter’s bum.”

“Definitely,” Sheila agreed, nodding emphatically. “I’ve noticed that before. It’s quite nice.”

“His arse?” Sirius spluttered. He looked to Mary, who was sitting next to him for an explanation, but she only threw her hands up in the air as if to say she had no idea either.

“You’ve checked out Pete’s arse? Our Pete’s arse?” Potter said. He appeared outraged at the thought. “What’s so great about it?”

“It’s all high and firm and makes you just want to grab it,” Lily said, holding her hands out in front of her and miming the action. “Bitable.”

Peter’s eyes were widened so much they appeared to take up half his face. Whatever answer he had been expecting, this was not it.

“Bitable,” James breathed. “Who’s ever heard of such a thing?”

Sheila caught Lily’s eye and they exploded with laughter. The other’s reactions to finding out there was something shaggable about their friend was too good.

“Har har, it’s so funny. Move along,” Sirius ordered.

Black and Potter really were shite at sharing the attention.

Marlene was next and picking for Remus, which was a blessing. Thus far, Marlene had been doing a good job of conversing like a functional human-being with James and Sirius. Lily knew her friend was only this comfortable though because they were drunk and she was sober, which meant that she had the upper hand. Lily doubted, however, that Marlene was confident enough to name her favorite body part of either boy without combusting. Marlene could handle Remus though.

Marlene took her game very seriously, so it was with a critical eye that she assessed Remus before answering, “The scars. They’ll make our monster very rugged.”

Once again, the girls had given an answer the boys had not expected. Remus touched on scar, a jagged gash along his collarbone, self-consciously.

Now her turn, Mary appeared at a complete loss about what to say about Sirius. If you asked Lily, Mary had gotten the easiest boy as Sirius Black did not possess an unattractive feature – well outside his personality. Lily thought it was a tad absurd to take so long deciding.

“Your face, I guess,” Mary told Sirius.

“Why did these two get sexy answers, and I get something bland?” Sirius demanded affronted.

No one could have guessed handsome Sirius would be the one to come out poorly in this game.

It was Rin’s turn to pick, and she was partnered with James. The git was practically preening as he waited for Rin to speak up.

“Shoulders,” Rin said.

She wasn’t flirtatious about it like Sheila would have been if she was picking for her boyfriend. Rin simply stated her opinion as fact. It was a good choice too. Lily had to admit to herself that James had excellent shoulders. They were broad, which gave him a great line as his body tapered into his waist. Everything about James was strong, probably from playing Quidditch so much.

In the past, Lily had only ever had two boyfriends. One was in third year, so she hardly thought that counted. The other was Aubrey Hearnes who had graduated last year. Well, there was also Severus, but it’s not like he was ever her boyfriend. All three of those boys were built the same way, wiry and thin. Lily had liked the vulnerability of it. She had never been attracted to those meaty types who could lift you up with one hand.

Eyeing James’ shoulders though, Lily thought she had an inkling of the appeal. She wanted to dig her fingernails into his shoulders to see the marks they would leave. Never had she wanted something like that from a past boyfriend.

“Sheila?” Jerome prompted eagerly.

Sheila tapped her fingers to her chin as if really thinking about her decision. “I think I’d have to say your prick.”

Screams erupted from everywhere. James was clasping his hands to his ears as if he could unhear Shelia’s words and Mary was fake vomiting.

“What about the one-month rule?” Lily shouted.

“The one-month rule applies to sex, Lils. That leaves a whole world of activity as fair game,” Shelia cooed, delighted by the horrified reaction she had caused. “And if you saw it, you’d all agree with me.”

“Alright, let’s see it then,” Lily challenged.

“Lily Evans, I swear I will end you,” Shelia threatened.

Lily just laughed. “I’m just trying to rile you up, hun.”

Jerome had turned pink.

 “I’m trying to picture the man you all just made, and he sounds like a freak,” Remus commented, faster than everyone else in recovering from Shelia’s trouble-starting.

“Well, let’s see if you can do better,” Marlene prompted, gesturing that it was the boy’s turn.

“Rin, I think you have a very nice smile,” Remus said.

James and Sirius groaned and threw clumps of dirt at him.

“What kind of safe answer is that?” James demanded. “Are you trying to pick up my girl, Moony?”

“Nice smile! He’s noticed her nice smile!” Sirius shouted outraged.

Lily supposed that meant they knew exactly what kind of answers Sirius and James would be giving come their turn. Perverts.

“I think that’s very sweet, Remus. Thank you,” Rin said casually. She even threw in that nice smile for good measure.

Remus addressed James, “Since you seem to think you know how the game is played, pick for Mary.”

That knocked a bit of the wind out of James’ sails as he eyed Mary cautiously. Mary was not really a girl who brooked any creepy behavior. If he was too crude, she might hex him.

“I guess your waist and hips,” James said, gesturing towards his own hips. “You’re thin and you’ve got…yeah…you’ve got nice hips.”

Lily snorted.

“You do, Mary. It’s a great ratio. They say the perfect hip to waist ratio is four to three, and I think you have that,” Marlene said supportively.

Mary looked down in embarrassment, her hair casting a curtain around her face.

“Wow, this game sucks, Marly,” Lily said, observing how everyone was falling apart at having to be so candid about their attraction to each other. Teenagers were not known for their ability to confidently discuss sex and attraction. Their group was not an exception, especially in mixed-gender company.

“Stop blushing like a virgin, James,” Sirius ordered. “You’re making too big a deal about it. Marlene, we’re definitely picking your thighs. Slap ‘em on the monster!”

Marlene gaped at Sirius in shock. She hated her thighs. Marlene would go on at least three diets a year in which the explicit goal was to chisel away at her loathed thighs. The other girls all told her she was ridiculous. She didn’t even have cellulite. But Marlene never listened. It was hard to take her stick-thin friends seriously when they told her that a little meat was a good thing.

Lily was not sure she liked how quickly Sirius had answered the question. Yes, he was a dog, so it wasn’t unexpected that he had checked Marlene out at one point or another. He had checked all of them out, often rather conspicuously over the years, but it had still been fast.

With all her heart, Lily loved Marlene and would do anything to protect her. One thing she knew for sure was that Sirius Black would be a bad thing for Marlene McKinnon. There was nothing the boy could offer her that wouldn’t wreck her in the long run. If he had any designs on Marlene, Lily wanted to know so that she could shut that down, possibly violently. She knew that Mary would be more than happy to assist her.

Poor Jerome was put in the unfortunate spot of having to pick for Lily. It was one of those terrible moments that sometimes spring up in relationships where no matter what you say it will be the wrong answer. Lily was too pretty for Jerome to pretend there was nothing attractive about her, but a real answer would definitely earn him his girlfriend’s ire. Add in Lily and Shelia’s friendly rivalry and you had a recipe for disaster. Shelia would have been supportive of Jerome answering for Marlene and ambivalent for Mary, but that was not going to be the case for Lily.

Jerome seemed to know this as he was glancing anxiously back and forth between the two girls. A small part of Lily was urging her to pose in some way, present herself at her most beautiful, but that was ridiculous. What did she care what Jerome thought of her?

As the seconds passed, Sirius decided Jerome was taking too long and shouted, “Oh for the love of Merlin, just pick already. We all know the answer anyways!”

“Err…I just…” Jerome spluttered nervously.

Lily looked at the group of boys and realized that they all seemed to agree with Sirius’s sentiment, or at least none of them seemed to be wondering what the supposedly obvious answer was. Now Lily really wanted to hear the answer. What was so lovely about her that everyone knew the answer without it having been said? It was probably her eyes. People always went on about her emerald eyes.

“The hair,” Jerome said finally. “It’s all big and fiery.”

“Liar!” Sirius said at around the same time Peter started to laugh and Remus rolled his eyes.

Jerome shooks his head stubbornly, “It’s the hair.”

Sirius turned to Lily and told her in a stage-whisper, “It’s really your tits.”

At Sirius’s words, five sets of male eyes flickered down to her breasts. Lily was really regretting leaving her robes open earlier just to prove Black wrong and quickly yanked them shut around her body.

Shelia clucked her tongue in displeasure but kept her mouth shut.

Lily supposed that her breasts were well-developed, especially for how thin she was. Compared to Mary and Shelia they were enormous, but that was only because the other girls were so _small_. It wasn’t like Lily was walking around with a chest like Raquel Welch or anything like that.

“You can’t actually be surprised by this, Evans,” Sirius scoffed, picking up on her bewilderment. “I’d reckon there’s not a boy over the age of thirteen in this castle who has not talked about your tits at least once.”

“Eww,” Marlene said.

Okay, Lily really hated this game. She crossed her arms protectively over her chest.

None of the other boys were saying anything – thank God – but it was clear they agreed if only because they were studiously not looking at her.

Lily looked to Shelia for help. Her friend softened a bit seeing how freaked out Lily was and leaned over to pat her hand.

“It’s because you’re so tiny and short. It makes you like ninety percent boobs. Don’t worry about it,” Shelia said quietly.

Everyone heard of course, but Lily was too drunk to realize that and felt a lot better. Even if she still didn’t like the situation at all.

“I’m going to get taller. I’ve told you. Evans women just bloom late,” Lily said ridiculously.

“We know, sweetie,” Mary said kindly.

For once, Lily didn’t realize that they were patronizing her and was satisfied that they finally believed she would get taller someday. Lily could not wait to be able to reach the top shelf of the potions ingredients. She would probably sing with joy when the day came.

Peter told Shelia that they would add her face to the monster. He managed to do so without any overt signs of shyness, and there was a sweetness to his answer compared to the crassness of what came before it. Lily felt her heart melt a bit at the display.

And with that, the game and all the awkwardness it had wrought was done.

“Right, as fun as this was, I need to get to work if I want to pull tonight. Unless any of you ladies want to make this easy for me,” Sirius said, gesturing to the girls.

When they all nodded their disinterest, he clapped James amiably on the back and strolled into the thickest part of the party. Lily was jealous. She didn’t think she would be able to walk without stumbling.

“I think we should call it a night,” Mary said.

“No!” Lily protested instantly. “I’m not tired.”

“That’s because you’re drunk,” Mary said gently. “You’ll be happiest if you head to bed now.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Lily snapped.

Drunk Lily did not like to take orders. Besides, the party wasn’t winding down yet.

“What would you like to do?” Mary asked, giving up at Lily’s belligerent refusal.

That stumped Lily for all of a second before she announced, “I would like to dance.”

“Dancing it is,” Mary agreed, taking Lily’s hand to help her stand.

The group splintered apart at that point. Rin ran off to find more friends she had promised to meet. Lily missed the explanation for where Remus went, but he skulked off, so Lily suspected it was to do something she wouldn’t approve of. They left Shelia and Jerome in the middle of a heavy snog session.

More people had crowded the portion of grass reserved for dancing than when Lily had been there previously. Girls were drunkenly swaying to the rock music, while boys crowded around the outskirts as if persistent proximity would be enough to score them a snog.

Lily probably did not dance as gracefully as she had before – her coordination at that moment was nonexistent – but she lost herself completely. It was like her mind only had enough room to process the heavy bass, pushing all other thoughts aside.

She whipped her riotous curls about from side to side, laughing when they nailed Marlene in the face. Her heart was full of love – no matter where she looked, she saw people she cared about having a good time. It was how life was meant to be.

When a heavier song came on, the dancers surged forward en masse to match the tone of the music. The shift jostled Lily hard, and she would have fallen to the floor if strong hands had not gripped her waist to steady her. The crowd continued to buck violently, but Lily was kept securely on her feet.

And that was how Lily found herself dancing with James Potter.

He wasn’t a good dancer by anyone’s standard. He favored the go-to boy move of just swaying back and forth, but that made no difference to Lily. All her brain recognized was that she now had a very hard body to shimmy against.

They molded together well. Lily barely came up to his collarbone, but her body still seemed to fit into the planes of his. The electric charge that had been buzzing over the dancers intensified.

Lily wiggled around so that she could face him and wound her arms around his neck. It didn’t bother her that this was James Potter. She would have danced with anyone just then. Yet, a part of her was excited that it was him.

Ever the gentleman, James’ hands continued to grip her waist, his thumbs etching circles into her hips. It was Lily who closed the space between them. This was not the time for delicacy. Lily was overly familiar with boys who treated her like she was breakable. James never had, and she did not want him to start now.

Sweat was an inevitability considering all the heat between them. When Lily looked up at James’ face for the first time, it was a bead of sweat on his chin that drew her attention. Unthinkingly, she stretched onto her toes so she could lap it up with her tongue; if dangerous had a taste, that would have been it.

James groaned, low and deep in his chest, and managed to bring their bodies impossibly closer together. When his knee slid between her legs and made contact just so she emitted a similar sound. Her nails dug into his shoulder blades just like she had imagined doing before, and she marveled at the crescent marks they left. It was better than she had imagined and oh god!

Time stopped moving properly at that point as James grabbed her hand and pulled her away from the dancers. It was not one of those romantic novel moments where time stops so much as an alcohol-induced blurring of the edges. Though there was more than that in the air too.

Magic. That was what had tinged the entire night, shimmering at the edges of her awareness, growing as she dance and now spiraling out of control. The whole party had that aura she associated with magic – endless possibilities and that alluring topping of danger that set her on edge. Tonight, it made her dizzy.

Lily felt her back make heavy contact with a tree. The height-difference between them was a little more problematic at this point, James had to hunch over in a way that must have been uncomfortable to kiss her, but wow did he kiss her. If Lily hadn’t lost her bearings before, she certainly would have then.

It was terribly sloppy and rushed. James’ lips hadn’t been on hers for five seconds before his tongue was prying open her pliant mouth. Sloppy, however, did not equal bad. In fact, Lily found the urgency of the kiss was only spurring her on faster. She was helpless except to follow his lead as their tongues tangled together.

Lily did not make it a habit of following anyone’s lead on anything. It bordered too closely on losing control, but god did she like this. James knew exactly where to take her, edging out of reach when the magic built too much and then gently tugging her bottom lip with his teeth to build them right up again.

As magical as kissing James was proving to be, Lily was fast becoming frustrated with their position as James’ body was arched away from her so that he could bend down to her height. Being a resourceful young lady, Lily decided to rectify that situation herself. Her right leg snaked around James’ hips and she gave a little hop to bring up the other. Unprepared, James stumbled at the maneuver, but managed to brace himself with one hand against the tree and secure Lily with the other.

Their open-mouths were pressed together, lips barely touching, but they weren’t really kissing. It was more like they were breathing each other in. James’ breath flowed heavily into her mouth, but it didn’t disgust her. She was just feeling every part of him lined up against her from his bare chest to the hard bar of his erection that pressed against her stomach.

Lily probably could have stayed like that, unmoving, for hours, but all good things must come to an end. And this one ended rather violently.

Abruptly, James’ body was dragged away from Lily’s. Her legs untangled awkwardly from his waist, and her body fell, back scraping against the rough bark, to the ground. Lily hardly noticed the pain as she was too focused on Severus decking James in the face.

“Taking advantage of drunk girls now?” Sev growled as James body pitched to the ground.

Lily could not process anything that was happening, least of all that Severus was in a fist-fight, which was anything but his style. A well-aimed curse, sure, but a punch to the face?

James did not stay down long. He barreled headfirst into Sev’s stomach, taking the skinnier wizard down. Somewhere along the line, Lily had heard the phrase ‘too drunk to do much damage.’ It didn’t apply here. Both were pissed, but that only seemed to make them nastier, removing any restraint they may have had when sober.

“Stop,” Lily cried, but her voice came out weak and barely carried.

It was when James took Sev by the shoulders and started slamming his head into the dirt repeatedly that she began to cry in earnest. All of her begging didn’t register to the two wrestling boys.

The appearance of Regulus Black probably saved Sev from being murdered. He took one look at the brawling pair and kicked James viciously in the side, toppling him off Severus’s body.

“Stay down, Potter,” Black warned, but James’ took no heed, charging him instead.

The noise from the fight had finally caught the attention of others’ and they’d drawn a crowd. Jeering voices egged the three boys on as they put their utmost into killing each other.

There is a surreality that accompanies a rush of adrenaline. Colors dim and the world becomes silent, every noise that intrudes upon that silence becoming sharp and jarring. The sense that the air was charged with magic was still there, but now the bottom had dropped out from under them. Lily had forgotten – beneath all of the possibilities and marvel, magic was harsh and ugly. It would always suck all the good right out of the room and spit it back at you with all of the ferocity of a bullet, perverse and deadly.

Sirius forced his way through the crowd and immediately joined the fray. He aimed one savage at Sev’s nose, which broke with a sickening crunch. His wand, which he had been aiming at James, clattered forgotten to the ground so that he could clutch at his bleeding face.

Then, Sirius grabbed Regulus by the shoulder and threw him backwards. He just barely managed to stay on his feet. For a moment it looked like Regulus might hit his own brother. There was no telling what Sirius would do then, forced to choose between his blood and chosen brother. They were all saved from finding out as Regulus just barely managed to get control of himself. He punched a tree instead, glaring at his brother all the while.

Whispering frantically to James, Sirius held him back by his shoulders. James showed no sign of calming down, but appeared to listen to reason enough not to launch back into the fight.

“Pathetic, Potter,” Severus taunted, his voice came out garbled from his broken nose yet still contained a loathing that sent chills down Lily’s spine. “You can punch me all you want. It won’t change the fact that you’re an entitled bastard who tries to force himself on drunk girls.”

That was too much for James, who tried to throw himself at Severus once more. Sirius held him back by the waist to stop him, but would have failed if Remus and Peter hadn’t finally arrived and assisted in pulling their friend away.

James settled for yelling back, “Fuck you, Snivellus! Just because she wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot-pole, you slimy cocksucker!”

Severus started to laugh, blood dripping between his teeth, “I wouldn’t be so sure she would never touch me. And I didn’t need to get her pissed either.”

Death would have been a welcome escape to Lily in that moment. Everything was so so wrong, and she couldn’t do anything but cry pitifully. She was terribly conscious of the crowd of onlookers, gawking at every detail. None of this looked good for any of them, least of all James. After all, Lily was sitting brokenly against a tree crying hysterically, her hair a mess, while Severus threw all kinds of accusations about.

She hated magic.

“Fuck off, every one of you,” Marlene screamed as she and Mary entered the scene.

“It’s not –” James began.

“I don’t give a fuck what you have to say right now,” Marlene shouted, and little-shy-hero-worshipping-Marlene actually shoved James back a bit. “We’re taking Lily back to the castle, and I suggest you do the same. You’re plastered.”

With astonishing efficiency, Mary and Marlene helped Lily up and started walking her back to the castle. Remus offered to help, but he was pushed aside. The girls were closing ranks and hard.

The last look Lily got of the scene was not pretty. A crowd of unsympathetic bystanders, chomping at the bit for a scandal, two brothers torn apart at the conflict, her childhood best friend, bloody and mean on the ground.

And James, wearing an expression of such desperation it made her heart break.

Score

Lily: 5 – James: 3

Number of times Lily assumed the worst of James Potter: 0  
Number of times Lily lied: 1  
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: Too many to count


	10. Oct. 8: Of Debacles, Earned & Diabolical

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Follow-up on the consent issues raised in the last chapter and discussions of sexual violence as well as referenced drug use.

It was probably safe to say that Saturdays were the favorite day of the week for a majority of the Hogwarts population. There were a few fans of the lazy Sundays spent in their dormitories with their friends, or a student here or there who loved the anticipation that built leading up to a Friday night. There was even one or two swotty fans of a Monday (kids who couldn't function without the structure of a classroom). But for most students, Saturdays were the favorite day of the week.

Normally, James Potter was no different. Saturdays seemed custom-made for the Marauders. They were usually a day free of academic and social obligations, one they could utilize to plan and launch their little escapades, while still benefiting from a bit of a lay in. James doubted that any other student really knew how to make the most of their Saturdays quite like a Marauder.

Today, a most glorious Saturday, James was not in a position to enjoy any of it. This Saturday brought an endless list of apologies and damage-control. The Marauders were in crisis mode, and there would be no silly pranks or laughter.

The first thing James noticed when he woke up was that his head hurt like a bitch. They'd had access to an entire lake last night to keep hydrated, and still he forgot to drink enough water.

Half-blind, James felt around his bedside table for his glasses, as straining to see was not going to do his headache any favors.

To his immense relief, a glass of water came into view at his bedside. It was probably Peter's doing. Peter was like the patron saint of hangovers. He would prep a little system of relief for all of his friends the night before, which included laying out glasses of water and making sure that their hangover potions were well stocked.

He chugged the water in its entirety. He would have to remember to thank Peter later.

As James gathered his bearings, he realized he had been the last of his friends to awake. Godric knew where Sirius had run off to, but Remus and Peter were very obviously hovering outside of his bed curtains, waiting to pounce the second he signaled consciousness.

Resigning to face the music, James pulled back the curtains. Remus and Peter were sitting on the absent Marauder's bed, looking more anxious than James had ever seen them, excepting that time in fifth year when Sirius had tried to literally murder Snape.

They, thankfully, refrained from speaking. James's lack of tolerance greatly depleted when he was hungover, a well-known fact among his mates. They knew better than anyone that there was no point in speaking to him until he had showered and gotten his head on straight.

Peter wordlessly offered him a spliff. James took it with little acknowledgement, and trudged into the bathroom. Water, weed, shower, and food – the tried and true hangover cure. Hangover potions were great for nausea, but did fuck-all for a headache. The magical world was still trying to work that one out.

While standing under the warm jets of the shower, James concluded that the previous night was definitely in competition to be one of the most surreal nights of his life. Trying to sort through his feelings about everything that had happened was an impossible, because none of it actually felt real.

Well, the fight certainly felt real. His aching body definitely confirmed that. Regulus had gotten him good in the ribs, and the bruise that had sprouted there was blotchy and roughly the size of a quaffle. More concerning was the bruise on his jaw from when Snivellus had sucker-punched him. He'd have to keep up a glamor to hide it.

If he had fought anyone else, James wouldn't have thought much about hiding his bruise. He wasn't embarrassed of getting into fights, and most of his peers seemed to think it added to the coolness of the Marauders, a group of boys so roguish that they'd even get into muggle fist-fights.

But it could not get out that he and Sirius had fought Snape though. Not with their history.

Dumbledore would have easily expelled Sirius for almost getting Snape killed last year. In fact, he'd told Sirius to pack his bags. James hadn't known the headmaster could be that angry and wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't seen it with his own eyes.

His friend was, without a doubt, a goner. That was until the Black family showed up. The Blacks en masse were about as intimidating as you could get. Sirius's mother, father, two uncles, and three cousins had all been rallied to keep him in Hogwarts that night. They'd even brought a fourth-cousin who was a barrister with them.

Sirius sat in shocked silence while his mother bribed, threatened, and screamed at Dumbledore for even daring to suggest her first born should be punished for having some boyish fun. In their eyes, Snape was nothing but a trumped up half-blood who needed to learn his place, and really it was Dumbledore's fault for allowing a filthy half-breed to pollute Hogwarts halls. She argued anyone should be expelled, it should be the werewolf.

Under normal circumstances, Sirius probably would have killed her. But at the time, he was much too shocked to even move. He had already been on poor terms with his family at this point, so he had been both confused and overwhelmed at the display of support.

But even blood-traitor Blacks were still Blacks, and his family was not about to allow themselves to be dishonored further by his expulsion. James secretly thought they were also a little proud of Sirius for the stunt. After all, his actions were as ruthless as the Slytherin they always hoped he would be, potentially ruining the lives of both a half-blood and a werewolf. Their little boy had finally done something right by their twisted standards.

Dumbledore, the reported most powerful wizard in Britain, had ultimately caved under the pressure. The Blacks had promised a vicious fight, a fight that Dumbledore didn't have the resources to handle, considering he was already spending nearly seventy percent of his time at the Ministry trying to sort out the Voldemort-business and the Blacks were friend with the majority of the Hogwarts school board, who were ultimately responsible for approving such decisions.

Perhaps, he didn’t want truly want to expel Sirius either. At the end of the day, the man was an educator, and they tended to look at anything that infringed upon a student’s education as a last resort. So that was that.

They were, however, all strictly warned to lay off Snape. While James fighting Snape wouldn't end in his expulsion (after all, he was the hero at the end of that little incident), but Sirius most certainly could not. And while the fight had initially been between James and Snape, it had been Sirius that had broken Snape's nose, and as a result, the only one probably sporting bloody knuckles this morning. Sirius could get expelled if any of the professors found out, and all because he was trying to be a good friend by James.

So James had a lot on his mind even before he got to worrying about Lily Evans. Goddamn Lily Evans.

James would have happily stayed in the shower for a few more minutes, hours, even the rest of his life. In there, he was warm, it was quiet, and he didn't need to fend off any hysterical witches or shouted accusations.

Except...well, he was already kind of getting bored. James wasn't really a man of deep thought. He thrived on taking action, and his choices were rather limited in the bath. As much as he enjoyed a good sulk, James maintained a pretty short time cap on it before feeling sorry for himself started to become dull.

Besides, he reckoned his mates were still waiting in the dormitory for him. Complaining, like most activities, was best with an audience.

Sure enough, Peter and Remus were still sitting on Sirius's bed when he emerged from the shower. They had even smuggled him up some breakfast from the kitchens like the ace mates they were.

"Thanks, Pete. Have I told you what a life-saver you are recently?" James said, nicking a link of sausage from the proffered plate.

James' words had the desired effect of relaxing Peter – it had not escaped James' notice that both his friends were poised for an attack. You could always count on Peter to become easily distracted by a bit of flattery. Remus was a bit tougher.

"So, how bad is it?" James asked, cutting to the chase.

"None of the girls have come down yet. They're all holed up in their dorm," Remus responded.

"Except Alice, but she doesn't know anything. I already checked," Peter added.

"So we really have no idea how bad it is?" James asked. Remus grimaced.

"We can't be sure, but…I ran into some fifth years on the way back from breakfast, and if looks could kill…"

"Every bird in the castle hates your guts right now, mate," Peter said with far more cheer than the situation warranted.

James balked. "Why? I get Lily and her mates, but what does everyone else care?"

"You heard what Snape accused you of," Remus said as if it were perfectly obvious.

James felt a shudder of revulsion run through him. Yes, James was worried that Lily was probably hiding in her room regretting everything that had happened between them. He was worried because Lily had a reputation as a girl who didn't go to parties and snog boys who were not her boyfriend. She was probably labeling herself as a slag, and he didn't want her to beat herself up over it. They may not be friends, but he still didn't wish anything but the best for her.

So, he was worried about many things. He had not, however, been at all concerned about how Snape had painted him.

"No one can possibly believe that bullshit!" James exclaimed vehemently.

"It didn't look good," Peter offered, shifting uncomfortably.

"I didn't get her drunk so I could fuck her! Hell, all we did was snog. And I was probably more sloshed than she was," James replied.

Remus sighed. "It just…Lily has rejected you, very loudly and very publicly, a hundred times. Then last night happened, and all everyone saw was Snape yelling, and Lily crying, and you trying to beat the shit out of anyone who came near you. That looks bad. I know you can see that."

"Snape's a jealous git," James muttered darkly. He couldn't bring himself to say that he could see Remus's point, even though it was rather obvious when spelled out.

It then dawned on James that two things were off about their current situation. First, based on last night's situation, they were certainly in trouble. And when the Marauder were in trouble, Remus went into crisis mode. Remus was a fixer. When the need arose, he took charge – formulated a plan, gave them their assignments, and made the problem disappear. Sitting in bed with that look of wary concern on his face wasn't right.

Second, where the hell was Sirius?

 

"Moony, what's the plan?" James asked. Maybe Sirius was already working on part of it now. It would explain his absence.

"There isn't a plan just yet," Remus replied, looking downward with a guilty expression marking his face. "We were waiting for you to wake up and hear your side first."

Remus's obvious guilt provided enough context for James to put two and two together. He jumped to his feet in self-righteous fury.

"You were waiting to confirm that I didn't actually, what, assault Evans last night?" he yelled.

Peter scooted further away from Remus on the bed in attempt to distance himself from the traitorous (in James's mind) werewolf.

"It looked bad, James," Remus said weakly.

"Fuck you," James replied coldly, or as coldly as he could manage when his blood was burning hot in his veins. "I was so pissed last night I couldn't have cast a first-year bubbling charm, let alone plot to take advantage of a drunk girl. If anything, Lily probably took advantage of me!"

"I'm sorry, you're right –"

"And it's not like you've never snogged a drunk girl at a party. You don't see me feeding you Veritaserum the next morning, or making out that you're some kind of monster," James continued.

"Alright, James! I'm sorry, I'll try to fix it," Remus said earnestly, appearing to be somewhat chastised. He all but ran out the door. Attempting to make the situation better would be the best way to apologize for his initial conclusion.

It was for the best that he left when he did, because James was seriously considering socking him, and two fights within twelve hours was a bit much. With his target out of reach, James moved to devouring his sausage with an aggression that would have startled any bystander.

"So, was it good?" Peter asked.

James raised an eyebrow, too moody to ask for Peter to explain himself.

"Snogging, Evans. Was it as good as you thought it would be?" Peter clarified.

"What is wrong with you? I'm not going to sit here bragging like I scored last night when half the school thinks I'm a date-rapist. Merlin, you're cocked up in the head," James said in disgust.

Peter rolled his eyes, utterly unimpressed by James' judgment. "I don't care what the school thinks happened because they're wrong. Since when do we worry what everyone else thinks anyway?"

Maybe Peter was right, but Remus had also doubted him. While he may be ashamed now, an initial part of Remus, one of his best friends, hadn't trusted him. The werewolf had been as quick to cast his lot in with the clamoring gossips, just as a stranger might have.

Peter clearly sensed James's despondency, though it didn't exactly take any special observation skills to do so, as James was bowled over and glaring at the floor.

"I want to know how it was because you did nothing wrong. In fact, you did something bloody incredible!" Peter said. "You snogged Evans – Lily Evans! It's not like you haven't been dreaming of this for years or anything. Not like you haven't loudly concocted schemes about how to make this very thing happen. No, clearly that was my other mate, Sprongs, because he would surely have a lot to say if he ever got to snog the girl of his dreams!"

James cracked a smile at that. "Sprongs?"

"He's a better flyer and more handsome than you too," Peter said. Reluctantly, James laughed.

This had always been Peter's strong suit – reading his friends' moods, and then giving them what they needed. It was why Peter, despite the misgivings of much of the student body, was absolutely essential to the Marauders. They'd honestly fall apart without him. They were all too self-absorbed, trampling all over each other's feelings without any awareness of what they'd done – except for Peter. He was the one who put things back to rights: he stroked James's ego, and listened to Remus's complaints, and gave Sirius something to blow up so that he wouldn't self-destruct instead.

James was the most frequent recipient of Peter's soothing. As the self-proclaimed leader of the group, his strops often brought everyone else down as well. Peter would buoy him, knowing that if he could set James right, the others would surely follow.

So James was not oblivious to what Peter was trying to do. He was, however, unprepared, as always, to stop it. No matter how much he may have wanted to continue to brood, Peter's nudging was making him smile, and after smiles would surely come a return to normalcy.

A goddamn miracle worker, that Peter.

"Maybe you don't want to tell me about it because Evans turned out to be a bad snog, and you don't want to admit you wasted all those years chasing after her all for naught," Peter continued.

"What was it? Chapped lips? Did she slobber?"

"She was perfect, you nosy wanker!" James said, outraged at the very thought.

"You didn't cum in your pants, did you?" Peter goaded with a sly grin. James flipped him off.

"It was perfect." Peter gestured for him to keep going, and James gave in with a sigh. He supposed that under different circumstances, he would be up here crowing to his mates about his good fortune. There was no real reason not to now.

"I dunno what to say…she was how I always imagined – soft and sweet and so into it. It was like I wanted to go slow and take my time, but also like I wanted to shag her against a tree, fuck anyone who happened to see," James grappled with the words to explain just how good it had been.

"Uh-huh," Peter said, similarly at a loss.

That wasn't the raunchy detail he had been expecting. James wasn't usually coy about sharing the details of his sex life. He figured that Peter needed to live vicariously through him, seeing how his mate clearly wasn't getting any.

"Honestly, it was probably a good thing Snape stuck his ugly nose in when he did. I don't think either of us would have stopped," James said.

"And what a tragedy that would have been," Peter quipped sarcastically.

"I did nothing wrong last night. I know that, but shagging her would have been different. It would have crossed a line."

Peter nodded, "You said she was into it?"

Pre-snogged James would have made a crude comment about just how much Lily had been gagging for it. Post-snogged James, however, was still a bit too dazed by his own luck to do anything but breathe, "Yeah."

"Well call me a warlock, I guess this bet worked out okay for you after all. One week in and she's snogging you instead of her normal cocktail of derision and bossiness. Though I think you're going to miss it. You're a secret masochist if I've ever seen one."

"Then I'm sure to get off today. Something tells me I'll be getting an earful from Evans soon," James laughed.

"Nah, a galleon says she avoids you all week," Peter said.

"I'll take that bet," James grinned. "Especially as we've got a prefect meeting scheduled for six on Monday."

"Fuck," Peter groaned.

"You need to learn to be smarter with your money, Wormy. You make it too easy for –"

They were interrupted by what appeared to be a first year, peeking his head around the door. It was a bold move as most Gryffindors knew the Marauders to be perfectly happy to dole out punishments to those who made the mistake of disturbing them. And they could play the long game too, waiting until you were vulnerable to strike.

Andrew Warwick had learned this the hard way. A year older, Warwick had fancied himself cool enough to barge in whenever he liked. He had even started referring to himself as the fifth Marauder, so assured was he of their familiarity. They'd permitted his behavior…for a time.

Then, one party, they had gotten stupid, trusting Warwick high. That itself was innocuous. That they'd convinced every single partygoer to act as if they couldn't see, hear, or in any way sense Warwick's presence was decidedly less so. He had a meltdown in the middle of the party, crying in fear that he would never be seen again. It had been hilarious. Suffice to say, Warwick and everyone else were quite aware of the sanctity of the Marauders' dorm after that.

So, for a first year to be at the door was a surprise.

"What do you want, kid?" James asked not unkindly.

"Remus Lupin sent me to tell you that Mary MacDonald's downstairs waiting for you," the boy stammered. James shot to his feet. Mary would have the intel they needed. Girls always talked about these kinds of things together.

All of his worries came back to him as he hurried downstairs. Principal among them was the fear that Lily could have blacked out last night. She'd wake up to rumors that he had assaulted her, and with her shitty opinion of him, she'd probably believe it. That was as nightmarish a scenario as James could conceive.

James almost gaped open-mouthed at the sight of Mary, just barely managing to close his mouth in time. She looked…gross, at least compared to her normal standards.

James had always assumed that Mary didn't bother with makeup, too focused on her studies to care about that kind of thing. She wasn't like Marlene and Sheila who wore makeup that he could spot every day, or Lily who always had that shiny stuff on her lips. Looking at her now though, James was forced to reassess his previous assumption. He had never seen Mary look so blotchy or tired before.

"I'm hungover and want to go back to bed. Ask your questions so Remus will quit bothering us," Mary barked. Clearly Remus had been persistent in his pleading that someone talk to them. Guilt could do that to a bloke.

"We shouldn't be having this conversation where anyone can overhear," Remus said, eyeing the other occupants of the common room warily.

Mary looked at him like he was mad, "No one's going to spy on us."

"We need to control how information is disseminated from now on," Remus insisted, ushering them into a corner that provided some semblance of privacy.

"How's Lily?" James asked, trying and failing to keep the urgency out of his voice.

"Lying on the bathroom floor, wishing she'd never been born," Mary said drily. "What I'd like to be doing actually."

"I mean, how does she feel about...you know?"

"Embarrassed, especially since everyone knows, but she'll get over it," Mary shrugged.

"She doesn't think I…" James trailed off, unable to articulate the thought.

It took Mary a moment to work out what he meant even with that sharp mind of hers, but when she did, she screamed, which was a very un-Mary-like thing to do. "Merlin, James, no! Why would she think that! She's not mad at you at all. Well, actually she's furious about you fighting Snape – the rest of us think that was rather brilliant by the way – but that's it!"

The relief that coursed through him was staggering.

"Well can she tell everyone else that?" Peter said grumpily as if Lily should have released an official statement already or something.

"That would be enormously helpful," Remus agreed.

"You're telling me people are believing Snape over James?" Mary questioned in disbelief. "I know it's human nature to believe the salacious, but this is ridiculous."

"Everything's alright then?" James asked.

"Well enough. Lily will probably cold-shoulder you for the next few weeks, but that's hardly anything new." It wouldn't be the first time that was for sure, but something told James it was going to suck a lot more than it had in the past.

As obsessive as James mates made him out to be, James was normally pretty unaffected by Lily's opinion of him. She was hot, and yeah, sometimes he fancied her for reasons he didn't quite understand, seeing how she was a major pain in the arse. But other times he very much loathed her. Their antagonism was not always one-sided.

James thought Lily was a stuck-up, cold bitch. He just sometimes didn't mind that about her. What could he say, she wore it well.

He didn't want her ignoring him though. Recently, he'd gotten greedy. In the past week, they had fought, snogged, and enjoyed some actually fun moments together. James hadn't even known Lily was capable of fun. A future in which they could maybe be friends of some sort had begun to look appealing and, more startlingly, possible. That would be gone now.

"Thanks, Mary," James sighed. "Get some rest."

"Sorry you're having a rough day," Mary said sympathetically, clapping him on the shoulder before walking to the staircase.

She stopped at the foot of the stairs.

"Arianne!" she called out to one of the group of sixth year girls sitting by the fireplace. "Lily's upstairs freaking out. She's worried about how she all but jumped James last night in front of everybody. People aren't calling her a tart or anything like that, are they?"

Arianne looked shocked, her eyes darting to James and back to Mary. "No!"

"Good. I told her not to be silly. Girls jump James all the time after all, but you know Lily. She's a worrier," Mary said innocently before heading back upstairs.

Remus looked impressed. "She's good. Arianne couldn't keep a secret if you sewed her mouth shut. Everyone's going to be talking about how Lily came on to you now."

While the help was appreciated, James didn't think Lily would like this new retelling of events. It solved his problem though, so he would run with it. Better, it would fully repair all the damage Lily had done to his reputation over the years. The first time James had asked Lily out, it had been because he wanted to fuck her. The seventh and fifteenth times because he had fancied her. Every time in between and after had been to prove that he could break her down, that no one could say no to James Potter.

Despite what some people believed, he wasn't a hound for rejection. He would have just stopped asking, except she made him look bad when she said no. Which was how James had come to ask Lily out thirty-four times in fifth year before he finally wised up and stopped.

Now, people would know he'd won in the end.

"Well, my day just got a lot better," James said amiably. "Where the bleeding hell is Sirius? He's missing out on all the drama."

"Err…I didn't want to tell you because you were brassed off about the Lily thing, but…Sirius is kind of angry with you right now," Remus said.

"Majorly angry. He stormed out this morning, said he couldn't stand the sight of you," Peter added.

"Why?" James demanded.

"You did attack his brother last night," Peter reminded him.

James was honestly flabbergasted. It had never occurred to him that Sirius would care. Regulus was fifteen and built like a troll. He was capable of taking a punch!

Warring instincts battled inside him. On one hand, he felt guilty for upsetting his best mate, and he supposed it was a bit shitty to hit his brother. James didn't have siblings, but he would strangle Sirius if he were to ever hit his dad, which had to be somewhat similar he reckoned.

Yet, on the other hand, James felt betrayed. Sirius was supposed to side with him no matter what! It was an unwritten rule of their friendship – unwritten because it had always gone without saying.

Sure, Regulus was Sirius's blood family, but Sirius would be the first to tell you how little blood ties mattered. James was his real brother, his chosen family. That should trump all.

Unable to reconcile the two emotions, James realized he was going to have to sit down with Sirius and talk it out. That would be the only way to sort through this mess.

Agrippa, they might as well be witches with the dramatic day they were having. There was only so much time James could spend talking about gossip and his bloody feelings before he began to worry his manhood was in jeopardy.

"I'm going to go out for a bit. Clear my head," James said. Remus opened his mouth to protest, but James waved him off. "I'll head down to the pitch where no one will see me, and I'll stay out of sight until Arianne can blab to the school about what a swell guy I am. Alright?"

"Okay. I just…I'm really sorry, James. You have to know how sorry I am," Remus said earnestly.

"We're fine, mate," James said stiffly and slapped Remus hard on the back. "No worries."

On his way out of the castle, James had time to reflect that Remus should in all actuality be very worried. James did not have it in him to be fighting Sirius and Remus on two separate fronts, so he would let it go for now. But he did not forgive easily, and he certainly wouldn't forget.

There was no need to make a great scene out of it. He didn't go chasing after drama, as much as this last week might suggest that he did. But he was angry, and he couldn't see how that would be going away any time soon.

The pitch wasn't empty when he got there as Hufflepuff had practice, which was about what James had expected – Saturdays were usually booked from dawn to dusk. There was clearing off to the side of the pitch, due north, however, that would do for just such occasions. It wasn't empty either.

Little Bernie Bourgeois was diligently practicing his sit-ups when James arrived. The kid had shown remarkable dedication to his new workout regimen, and he had been joining James for his daily workout. He was already showing improvement too.

"Hey, kid. Didn't I tell you today was your rest day?" James said in way of a greeting.

Bernie stopped his set to glare up at him. "Resting is not how you get cut."

Over their short time together, all of Bernie's obsequiousness and nerves had faded away, leaving behind a stubborn brat always rearing for a fight. Shockingly, James found that he loved the change. But the kid was sensitive, frequently misinterpreting James' careless words as an attack. James figured this probably came from the merciless bullying his classmates had to have subjected him to, considering what a little twerp he was. It was weirdly endearing to be jeered at by such a little pipsqueak.

"Have you ever heard of a thing called muscle exhaustion? It's not fun. Trust me."

"Don't talk like you've ever pushed yourself that hard, you lazy jerk. This is why Gryffindor's Quidditch team didn't win the Cup last year. Because their captain is a lazy jerk!" Bernie said hotly.

"You little," James growled, taking a threatening step forward.

Bernie could not have been less intimidated. It was really rather offensive how confident the kid had become around him. Where was the fear? The respect?

Kids these days. James's soul wept for the terror the younger generation was going to reap once they were in charge.

"Fine, do whatever you want," James said exasperated.

"You're in a bad mood," Bernie said frankly.

"Well spotted," James groused before softening at the concern he could read on his little acolyte's face. "It's just one of those days."

"Is it because of Black?"

James was rather bewildered by Bernie's question. Yes, his mood was largely attributable to Sirius, but he wasn't sure how Bernie could possibly know about their problems. Sirius may brood – openly and with unrepentant frequency – but he would not be spreading around the cause of their strife. The Marauders prided themselves on being a closed unit. They didn't let people see the cracks.

"How'd you hear about that?" James asked.

"I overheard some…Slytherins talking. They said Dumbledore would be sure to chuck him this time."

"Wait! What?" James froze. "Bernie, tell me everything you heard."

"They said Snape was going to tell Dumbledore that Sirius Black attacked him and that apparently Black was on some kind of probation where he'd get expelled if he ever messed with Snape," Bernie stuttered quickly. "I thought you knew. Isn't that why you're upset?"

James didn't stick around long enough to answer the question. He was already racing, full sprint, back to the castle.

Shit, shit, shit

He needed to find Sirius and warn him. And Remus. If Remus wanted his forgiveness he could forget James' bloody problems and fix Sirius's instead.

They could, and did, get away with a lot, but Dumbledore really would expel Sirius this time. James knew it. The man was fair, but James could still remember his restrained fury in the aftermath of the werewolf debacle of fifth year.

It seemed that James searched the whole fucking castle before he thought to check the map. Such ridiculous oversight was as good a sign as any that his wits had completely abandoned him amidst his growing panic. The map revealed that Sirius was in the Prefects' bath, which was one of the few places James had not thought to check, considering his friend was many things but a Prefect was not one of them.

He went running back through the castle. A few students waved at him, and jovial calls of "Where's the fire, Potter?" were fired at his back – clearly Arianne had wasted no time.

James was pretty sure he had broken his personal record for the thousand meter dash when he finally arrived at the Prefects' bath. His calves were burning with the effort. He, like Bernie, would not be getting a rest day.

When James burst inside, he was greeted with squeals of horror from Inderjit Anand as she was currently naked with Sirius's head between her legs. James barely spared her a glance – though he was a bloke, so of course he looked a little.

"Bugger off, James. I'm busy!" Sirius snapped. It was a clear sign that Sirius was angry. Under normal circumstances, Sirius would have found James walking in on him hilarious. He probably would have invited James to watch, just to have a laugh at how hard his girl of the moment would blush.

"Snape's going to Dumbledore," James said bluntly, still struggling to catch his breath.

Sirius grasped the seriousness of the situation immediately. He stood up, leaving Inderjit to practically fall off the edge of the bath where she was perched in her desperation to cover herself.

"Sorry, Inderjit, but I have to steal him right now," James said with cursory politeness.

He didn't really have the time nor care enough to give Inderjit the thorough apology she probably deserved, and neither did Sirius. He didn't even wink or make promises to later finish what he had started, letting Inderjit rush out of the bath with her shoes off and only a hasty goodbye thrown over her shoulder.

"We'll say he's lying," Sirius said. "It's my word against his."

"It's obvious you've been in a fight," James said, gesturing to Sirius's bruised knuckles.

"That could come from punching anyone," Sirius insisted, but that he knew it was a weak argument was obvious. Sirius's word was not going to mean much to Dumbledore in this instance.

"If Snape didn't have the shit kicked out of him, maybe, but Dumbledore's capable of putting together the pieces…I'd tell him it was me, but he'd know I was covering for you," James said.

"Fuck. I'm fucked," Sirius said bleakly.

The situation was hopeless. What was perhaps most frustrating was that there were dozens of witnesses to the fight, and James was pretty sure every one of them would lie on Sirius's behalf if asked. They hadn't invited any Slytherins to the party except for Regulus, who must have brought Snape. People outside of Slytherin would side with Sirius for sure. Hell, most Slytherins had proved themselves willing to side with Sirius over Snape throughout the years. Blood traitors were still better than half-blood trash in their twisted books.

The only real dilemma was that Sirius bore the evidence of his guilt on his very hands, and no number of witnesses would fool Dumbledore enough to dismiss that.

"Healing potions are out. Pomfrey would tell Dumbledore, and they don't have a good apothecary in Hogsmeade," James said, his mind running through their options.

"Could we apparate out of Hogsmeade?" Sirius wondered aloud.

"Fancy getting splinched? You and I failed our apparition exam for a reason, Padfoot. And even Remus isn't good enough for a side-along yet," James groaned. He was beginning to wonder if the risk of getting splinched might not be worth it.

"We could stop Snape from ever getting there," Sirius said darkly.

"Holding Snape hostage is not a long-term solution," James said. Talk about escalating the situation. They'd end up in Azkaban.

"Evans!" Sirius gasped.

James whipped his head around, half expecting her to have burst into the room. "What about her?"

"She could convince Snape not to go to Dumbledore. You know she could. The git has been panting after her for years," Sirius said, enthusiasm at identifying a potential plan that might work coating his voice.

The sick feeling in James' gut left no doubt as to how he felt about Sirius's suggestion. He couldn't ask Lily to do it. Who knew what kind of disturbed things Snape might demand of her on a power trip.

James knew that Snape fancied her, but he'd also proven himself willing to hurt her. The bat also thrived on having power over others. James had seen the way Snape lorded himself over first years and the muggle-born victims of his Slytherin mates. He would not wield any power he gained over Lily kindly.

And yet…James knew he would ask her anyway. Ask her to subject herself to an entitled racist who would gleefully emotionally abuse her for a week until Sirius's hand could heal. He would do it because of the look of faith on Sirius's face. Not for a second did Sirius consider that James might choose a girl over him.

He would do it because he was pretty sure there was no line he would not cross to protect Sirius, and make sure he never again had to suffer like he had when his family disowned him. James still couldn't think about the night Sirius had arrived unannounced on his doorstep, cold and vulnerable, without wanting to punch something.

If there was no other way, he would ask Lily. He'd ask the same of his own mum if it meant helping Sirius.

"Knowing Snape, he'd wait until the last second and then tell Dumbledore anyway after getting a few days of torture in with Lily," James hedged.

"It buys us time though," Sirius said eagerly.

"Yeah."

Feeling like he was walking toward his own execution, Sirius and James made their way back to Gryffindor tower. He wasn't sure how they could hope to convince Lily in the first place. She wasn't friends with Sirius, their relationship could be described as wary tolerance at best, and mutual disdain at worst. Historically, Lily had always hated how they ragged on Snape, a point which Mary had reminded him of this morning. Perhaps most damningly, she was probably not a big fan of James at the moment either.

They were, in short, screwed. If only they could convince Dumbledore or at least the staff that Sirius had hurt his hand fighting someone else. Someone who would only earn him a detention rather than an expulsion. But Snape's bloody broken nose was hard to ignore…except, seeing was believing.

"Wait!" James said urgently. "When's lunch?"

"Ten minutes. This really can't wait until after we eat," Sirius said.

"I have a plan! A better plan!" James said. "Come on!"

They reversed their direction, and headed to the Great Hall. On the way, James filled Sirius in on the details of his scheme.

James entered the Great Hall first, acting as casually as he could when really his heart was hammering in his chest at how much was riding on them pulling this off convincingly. He could pull off faux-innocence well enough, having honed the skill through dozens of pranks over the years, so no one noticed anything was amiss when he sat down and began to pile up his plate.

Sirius stormed in a few minutes later. Making a beeline for James, he didn't wait for James to get a hello out before decking him. Hard. The blow sent him reeling and he fell off the bench and to the floor.

"What the bleeding hell was that for?" James demanded.

"You know what for!" Sirius roared.

They had the attention of the entire hall at this point, including the staff. Seeing was believing. Dumbledore wouldn't believe that Sirius had damaged his hands punching someone else unless half of Hogwarts could testify that they had witnessed the damage that very day. The professors were about to become unwitting accessories to their plan.

"No, I don't know," James growled, struggling to stand up from his fallen position.

"I'm not a charity case," Sirius sneered, shoving James backwards a step. "You don't make decisions for me, and you don't have to throw galleons at me either."

They were saved from having to continue the farce by Professor Babel sending them to Dumbledore's office, which was good because their reason for why Sirius was supposed to be hitting him wasn't that well fleshed out.

In reality, there was nothing James could do that would so enrage Sirius to the point that he would punch James. At least not in a public setting.

Even after the Snape incident of fifth year, no one had the faintest clue that there were fissures amongst the Marauders' ranks. It was so ingrained in their group to keep such things private, and it was hard to imagine any of them being angrier at each other than they were then. The level of rage they had directed at Sirius then had been unparalleled in the history of their friendship.

No, there was no betrayal that could drive Sirius to punch James in the middle of lunch.

So they needed to make something up, and what was easier than preying on the student body's preconceived notions of sad, abandoned Sirius Black. They would fill in the blanks nicely as to the cause of the fight, and no one would be surprised at their quick reconciliation as clearly poor, tortured Sirius was just lashing out, and didn't really mean anything by it.

Professor Abel escorted them to Dumbledore's office, not trusting that the boys wouldn't try to kill each other in his absence. Which was, of course, exactly what they wanted. They lucked out with their timing too as, Snape was sitting in Dumbledore's office, probably spilling his distorted version of events with relish, when they arrived.

Dumbledore's expression as Abel recounted their fight in the Great Hall was more knowing that James would have liked. He reminded himself that Dumbledore couldn't prove anything now and that he would need evidence to expel a student.

"You two have been busy with the fighting these last twenty-four hours. Mr. Snape was just filling me in on your encounter last night as well," Dumbledore said blandly.

"I'm not sure what you mean, Professor," Sirius said innocently.

Dumbledore sighed and steepled his fingers. "Am I to take it you intend to deny breaking Mr. Snape's nose last night?"

"It doesn't look broken to me," Sirius said, studying Snape's repaired though still grossly over-sized nose. "Besides, I took your words to heart, sir. I wouldn't go near dear Sev with anything but the best intentions."

James wanted to kick him. Don't overdo it, he thought desperately.

For his practically endless faults, Snape wasn't an idiot. He cottoned on to what Sirius and James were trying to pull rather quickly. The look of disgust that he threw them was not doing any favors to his natural ugliness either.

"You know what they're trying to do," Snape sneered to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore looked with something akin to sympathy at Snape, "Do you have any evidence, Mr. Snape, to prove that what you say occurred actually transpired?"

It took a concentrated effort on James part not to burst out laughing. Sometimes they were just too good.

"Actually, I do," Snape said, surprising them all. All of the arrogant joy that had been coursing through James just a second before evaporated.

"There were witnesses," Snape said.

Sirius snorted. James kicked him as covertly as possible this time, but he agreed with his friend's sentiment. How delusional was Snape to think this was going to work in his favor?

"A third-party's account of what happened would be enormously helpful," Dumbledore agreed.

With a smugness that sent shivers running down James' back, Snape said, "Two people saw the whole thing: Lily Evans and Regulus Black."

Oh shit.


	11. Oct 8: Of Classmates, Friends & Foes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to luvlylittlelady for beta’ing once again.  
> I want to also say thank you to everyone who reviewed. I’ve received a lot more reviews for other stories I’ve written, but I think the quality of reviews for this story have been the best I’ve ever seen. Those of you who take the time to comment have some of the loveliest things to say and really engage with the story, and I really appreciate it.  
> Content warnings once more for discussions of sexual assault and consent. (Not much more in this mini-arc, so we’ll be moving out of this soon so bear with me.)

While James was growing up, Fleamont Potter had taken his son's educational upbringing very seriously. Where Fleamont differed from other parents was that he placed far more emphasis on training his son how to negotiate social situation over academics.

Their little lessons were often a murmured word of advice, or a nudge in the right direction. But there had been formal events as well – always clandestine, as Euphemia Potter's "boys will be boys" attitude would only allow so much leniency before she would step in to halt what she considered truly terrible parenting.

Since the age of six, James had learned to play poker with his father and his father's friends to play poker. There was no better way, in Fleamont's opinion, to educate a boy in the art of winning than through a game that encouraged lying, cheating, and any other underhanded tactic known to man.

There were a number of lessons to be taken from the game. First and foremost, winning had nothing to do with the hand that you were dealt. It did not matter if you literally held all of the cards, or life had stacked the deck against you. With a little quick thinking, you could still come out on top. Fleamont was never hard on James when he inevitably lost as a child, but his pride when James would occasionally beat his hand was something heady and worth fighting. The thrill of both winning and acquiring his father's respect motivated James to read dozens of books on the art of poker in his spare as a preteen.

Second amongst those lessons, and most pertinent today, was the art of bluffing.

In James's opinion, the truth was a highly overrated concept. It was a well know sentiment in the Potter household that the promotion of honesty was simply propaganda from those in power attempting to trick the weaker into playing with a different, stricter set of rules. It reminded James of the most popular topes from his childhood books and plays where the rich were always portrayed as miserable in their success, and the poor as glowing with happy households.

In other words, poor people shouldn't be bothered that they were suffering in poverty, for those blessed few spend galleons like they fell from the sky were secretly miserable too. The reason the poor and marginalized would never earn positions of true power in government because they were holding themselves to a higher standard that none of the old, pureblood families had ever bothered with.

James had been somewhat bothered by this worldview once he was sorted into Gryffindor, for the house of nobility seemed to demand a fair playing field. Fleamont had sat James down and provided him with the many rationalizations to get over his silly, new concerns.

Principally, James would be the first to tell anyone that the truth was overrated. He did not promote the propaganda that limited others' chances of success. That no one ever bothered to listen to him or took his words as evidence of his stunted morality was not his problem. He knew the rules of the game and he would play it – and well.

So bluffing when the hand was stacked against him was not new to James. He had no tells. When under the spotlight, he kept his body perfectly still but would throw in just enough seemingly effortless mannerisms to strike the perfect posture of careless indifference.

Unfortunately, that meant that while James' ear was currently terribly itchy, he would not allow himself to reach up and scratch it. That would be a dead giveaway. The only reason his ear was bothering him in the first place was that his nervousness was making him hyper-sensitive to the needs of his body.

He would just have to suffer through it. Another thing to blame Snivellus for. The bastard.

As they sat in wait for the arrival of the "witnesses" in Dumbeldore's office, James turned over Snape's game in his head. Principally, he wondered whether Snape knew something that they didn't. Just how vindictive was Regulus Black? If he took after the rest of his family at all, he could be itching for a chance to teach James a lesson for fighting him last night. Yet, James thought it unlikely that he would be willing to do so at the expense of Sirius.

James did not know much about the falling out between Lily and Snape other than what was public knowledge – that Snape was a slimy blood supremacist and Lily had finally wised up and dumped his ungrateful arse. He doubted there was any lingering loyalty there that would cause Lily to take Snape's side. In the past week, Lily had also proven herself perfectly capable of lying when it suited her. Besides, if she was compelled to tell the truth, she'd have to admit that she had been at an illegal party on school grounds, snogging James, and that it was really James and not Sirius that should be punished.

Speaking of lack of knowledge, it would be helpful if they knew exactly what Snape had already told Dumbledore. Were they both accused of attacking him? Or had the Slytherin heaped all the blame on Sirius, knowing that he would be punished more severely?

It was during times like these that James thought he should really study legilimency. It would be helpful if he and Sirius could communicate their thoughts to one another right now. Years of friendship had made them pretty in sync, but some insight was always helpful.

Slughorn bustled in first, and the Slytherin Head of House was certainly torn about this situation. His beloved Snape had been assaulted, so he was naturally rearing for justice. If only it could have been some random Muggleborn on the chopping block, Slughorn would have been perfectly set to take his side. Instead, he was once more tasked with managing his desire to ingratiate himself with the Potters and the Blacks, as well as his need to maintain decorum. They had never been easy students for poor Sluggy.

The others were quick to file into the room. There weren't enough seats for everyone, so McGonagall remained standing, an imperious presence hovering over their backs.

James tried his best not to stare at Lily. She looked good for a girl who had reportedly spent her morning hung-over on the bathroom floor. Guarded, she was studiously ignoring him in favor of looking at Slughorn. Apparently the rest of them were all too dangerous to focus on in that moment.

"Why are we all here?" Regulus demanded, oozing that proud disdain that only a Black could ever really pull off.

"I would like for you and Miss Evans to tell me the details of an encounter you witnessed last night between Mr. Black and Mr. Snape," Dumbledore explained, which really wasn't much of an explanation. But the point was to provoke the truth out of them, and giving too many details would only allow them to concoct a convincing lie.

Regulus shrugged. "Sirius stopped by where Severus and I were sitting in the library last night to remind me to do my Herbology essay. Which yes, is just as hypocritical as it sounds."

"Why's that hypocritical?" Sirius asked, good-humoredly.

"As if you've ever completed a Herbology essay," Regulus sniffed.

"I'm referring to something that would have occurred after the library had closed. Do you recall any such meeting?" Dumbledore said.

"Nope. Why? Is Potter trying to pin something on Severus?" Regulus asked.

Brilliant acting apparently also ran in the Black family.

Realizing that he would not be getting the answers he wanted from Regulus, Dumbledore turned to Lily, "Miss Evans?"

"Truthfully?" Lily asked, shifting nervously in her seat.

"The truth is all I would ever ask for," Dumbledore answered solemnly.

"Honestly, I don't really remember," Lily stammered. At the dubious expressions on her professors' faces, Lily continued, "I…er…was a bit inebriated last night, and I don't really recall seeing Sirius or Snape at any point."

That caused James' head to snap up. What? Mary had made it seem as if Lily had not blacked out last night. While he appreciated how convenient her memory lapse was for now, it was going to make dealing with things between the two of them a pain in the arse.

"Miss Evans!" McGonagall said in sharp reprimand.

For Lily to disappoint McGonagall was unheard of, and Lily ducked her head in shame.

"I'm of age, and so were the people I was with," Lily amended quickly. "But I'm afraid I can't really be of help with…whatever this is."

"So no one was there to witness Mr. Black assault Mr. Snape last night?" Dumbledore said resigned.

"Oh, well yeah, obviously I was there for that," Regulus said.

Everyone stared at him, but it was Sirius whose gaze could have burnt a hole through Regulus's skull with the sheer intensity of it.

"Why do you all look so shocked?" Regulus asked casually. "I didn't realize that I needed to verbally confirm I was there."

"That was the question," McGonagall pointed out.

"No," Regulus said shaking his head. "You asked whether I saw Sirius and Severus together last night, and I didn't, but obviously I was present when I broke Severus's nose. I kind of had to be in the room for that."

"Wait, Mr. Black, are you implying that it was you who was involved in this altercation?" McGonagall asked.

"Well, obviously. That's what Dumbledore just said – the fight between Severus and Mr. Black: me," Regulus drawled.

Dumbledore assessed him coolly, "And what pray tell was the motive behind this assault?"

"It's kind of embarrassing. If you must know, Sabrina Greengrass told me how much she admired Severus, and I got a bit jealous," Regulus replied with a shrug.

Slughorn jumped in, "I have noticed you and Miss Greengrass spending more time together. Young love is quite a wonderful thing, but you have to be careful to manage your reactions. It's so easy to let things get out of hand.

James genuinely hoped Slughorn was not speaking from personal experience.

"I know. As I said, I'm rather embarrassed by the whole thing," Regulus said dutifully.

If he were in Snape's shoes, James would probably be on his feet yelling. He would not endure that kind of betrayal – and from a fifth year no less – without causing an uproar. But Slytherins operated differently. The cold-blooded snake was their house mascot for a reason. Snape held in whatever fury he must be feeling at being outwitted, and only glared his displeasure.

"Well then, it looks like this is a simple matter of two separate fights, each between housemates. I'm perfectly happy to handle matters from here, Albus," Slughorn said eagerly.

"That would be Hogwarts policy," Dumbledore carefully agreed.

It was over. The worst Dumbledore could do now was level a look of grave disappointment at all of them; his most disappointed expression seemed to be reserved for James.

When James said he was responsible for Sirius, he was not referring to an unspoken duty that he had taken upon himself. That horrible night when James had thought Sirius would be thrown out of Hogwarts for good, Dumbledore had taken him aside and explicitly told him as much. Dumbledore had sternly explained about how the best friendships were those that elevated both involved, and that James was the only one with the power to reign in Sirius's worst impulses. The gravity of that responsibility had resonated strongly in James ever since that night.

But this time, however, Dumbledore could go fuck himself. James would not be made to feel guilty for lying to protect his friend. Dumbledore could lecture him all he wanted about what constituted a solid friendship, but if he couldn't see that his actions over the past 24 hours were just as much of a sign of a true mate, then James pitied him.

Someday, when they were older, and Hogwarts was long behind them, maybe James would tell Dumbledore the real story of all that had happened; that Sirius had ended, not started, the fight, and that Snape wasn't the sad, little victim that Dumbledore believed him to be. But for today, he would just enjoy his victory.

They all got off pretty easy, all things considered. McGonagall assigned a perfunctory set of detentions to Sirius for public brawling. She tried to give some to James too, but he deftly argued his way out of it by pointing out that he was the one who got punched unprovoked – Sirius had looked pretty grouchy at that little maneuver. Regulus got off with even less, as he would serve only one detention with the old Slug himself.

With the façade they had all been forced to maintain in front of the professors, it was really no surprise that things were quite dramatic once they made it into the hall and out of earshot. There were a number of confrontations that were overdue.

"Care to explain what that was?" Snape snarled at Regulus, initiating drama number one. "You said you would have my back."

"I did have your back in there, Severus. I saved you from bringing the wrath of the noble and most ancient House of Black down on yourself. They would not overlook you dishonoring our family by getting Sirius expelled," Regulus said imperiously.

Severus glared, "I could handle it."

"No, you really couldn't," Regulus said, adjusting the cuffs of his sleeves in a way so careless that it would have infuriated James if it were directed at him. "And when I say the House of Black, I'm including myself among their number. You're far too clever to think I would actually turn on my brother like that. Try to use that celebrated brain of yours."

"But he's just a blood traitor," Snape said.

Regulus looked obviously between Lily and Snape, making sure that everyone could follow his train of thought. "The only reason no one calls you a blood traitor, Snape, is that your blood was too dirty to begin with."

Satisfied at Snape's surly silence, Regulus made to leave. Sirius stopped him before he could though with a brotherly clap on the back.

"My sneaky little brother taking care of me. You realize this is going to be for the rest of your life, right? I'm disinherited! I'll be banging on your door, begging for enough coin to get a firewhiskey at three AM when we're in our sixties!"

James missed the entirety of Regulus's retort – something to the effect that he would let Sirius rot in the gutter. In the thirty seconds that the Black brothers had held his attention, Snape and Lily had scuttled off. He would have liked for Snape to stick around for a moment so that he could gloat, and maybe another moment so that he could drive home how thoroughly he would destroy the bastard if he ever tried a stunt like that again.

Figuring Sirius could use a few private moments to somewhat bond with his brother, James made his way in the direction of Gryffindor tower alone. There weren't a lot of people walking about the castle, which was kind of strange for a Saturday afternoon. He figured most of the students must still be eating lunch. Their meeting with Dumbledore felt like it lasted forever, but it really couldn't have taken a full half hour.

He stumbled upon Lily and Snape in the middle of a heated exchange. The only privacy they had was afforded to them by the statue of a stuck boar that they stood somewhat behind. Really, James could have directed them to any number of better hiding places on this floor alone.

Being the expert interpreter of body language that he was, James deduced that Snape was worked up, and Lily wanted to be anywhere but this conversation. She was doing that ice queen thing she pulled whenever she was upset, where her back would go ramrod straight, and her normally full lips would disappear into one severe line. James had expended a fair amount of effort over the years trying to get her to make just that face.

"– Get away with anything!" Snape whined, gesticulating wildly.

His unconstrained movements made a funny contrast with Lily's frozen form.

"Why did you lie and say Sirius attacked you in the first place?" Lily asked crossly.

They had yet to notice James. He didn't mean to eavesdrop, but well…of course he meant to eavesdrop! You couldn't own an invisibility cloak and not reconcile your morals with overhearing things you shouldn't.

"Regulus was the one who was lying! Don't tell me you're too thick to sort that out. As if he cares what that Greengrass bint thinks of me," Severus said.

"I'm not thick, actually. I meant, why did you accuse Sirius and not James? What was the point of that?"

"How do you know James was there?"

Lily rolled her eyes, "I saw the whole thing, Severus. It was all rather dramatic. Not really the kind of thing a girl would forget."

She remembered, James cheered internally! There would be no need for awkward explanations and recollections of the night!

And holy shit! That meant Lily had lied, unprompted, to protect Sirius. James was actually a bit touched.

"You mean you remember everything?" Snape said slowly.

"Mm-hmm."

"You took their side. Let me make a fool of myself," Snape said coldly.

"I didn't let you do anything. I believe you're old enough to make your own choices," Lily replied with matching iciness. "You asked me to lie in there. Don't pout because I told a different lie than the one you wanted to hear."

"So that's how it is now? That's how you show your loyalty?" Snape's voice was gradually rising.

"You of all people are not in a position to lecture me about loyalty! You've never been familiar with the term, but if you'd like, you can use me today as an example of what it looks like. That was me being loyal to my house," Lily said.

Snape shook his head, "No, that was you showing your loyalty to Potter –" James hadn't known his surname could sound so nasty – "Do you know what you're acting like? Do you have any idea?"

"Don't hold back on my account," Lily ordered, blasé. "In five minutes, I'll be walking away from this conversation and going back to pretending you don't exist. So you might as well get it all out now."

Well, damn. Lily knew how to cut right into the tenderest of wounds. Snape flinched at her words, but when he recovered, he was meaner than ever.

“Believe it or not, I don’t like watching you ruin yourself. What do you think people are going to say about you if you start panting after Potter? I _know_ you. You’ve worked far too hard to throw it all away on a worthless boy,” Snape hissed.

Lily's back was going to snap in half if it got any straighter.

James decided it was the time to intervene. They both looked startled, and then severely unwelcoming when they spotted him striding over to their pitiful hiding spot. He would have to explain the proper gratitude one should show to one's rescuer to Lily later.

"I know Slytherin's colors are green, but you could take the envy down a notch, Sniv," James said, throwing an arm around Lily's shoulders to drive home his point that Snape better shut up fast about Lily.

"Your weak attempts at goading me better suit a third year," Snape sneered.

"Your weak attempts at conditioning better suit a troll," James retorted without missing a beat.

"I pity you, Potter. You don't even realize what you've gotten yourself into. She'll ruin you too. Just you wait," Snape warned.

"Got any plans to eat my heart and crush my soul, Peaches?" James asked Lily in a honeyed voice.

Lily thought for a moment, tapping her chin, "Not this second, but you give me a reason to want to murder you daily, so I can't entirely rule it out."

"Aww, see that's what makes my girl so exciting," James said to Snape before leaning downward and pecking Lily on the cheek.

Snape's eyes widened as he considered for the first time that the two Gryffindors might be involved beyond just the events of last night. He was met by a pair of challenging gazes, neither faltering for a second. In this, they were once again allied.

"I warned you," Snape spat out before turning around and sweeping away.

For a beat, Lily let his arm remain wrapped around her, but then she was slipping away and James was dropping his arm as casually as he could. In the marathon of crises and confrontations James was running, he supposed it was now time to face Lily.

"Are you okay?" he asked genuinely.

"Do I look okay?"

"Err…yeah, actually, you do," James said, assessing her dry eyes and relaxed posture. "Shouldn't you be more upset? Snape said some pretty nasty stuff to you just now."

"Severus is in love with me," Lily said simply. "Which means, I have the power – to hurt him, to break him. He can throw as many insults as he wants, but I'll always walk away less hurt than he does."

"That's a rather bleak view of love, Evans," James said.

"I imagine unrequited love is a little different than the true stuff. Then again, I'm only familiar with the former," Lily said.

"Ooh, you're a child of divorce! That actually makes so much sense," James said, excited by the revelation.

"No, you idiot, my parents are still together. Just, you know, I've never been in love, and I look around and see all these other girls falling in love, and I start to wonder about myself and why am I telling you this?" Lily demanded.

"I'm a good listener," James grinned.

Lily took a startled step backwards and held up a finger to shush him, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No!"

"What are you on about now?"

"I've figured out your game, and I am done. Don't be trying to lull me into a false sense of security. It won't work. I'm on to you," Lily said to James's bafflement.

"Care to share so I'm not the only one in the dark here?" he asked.

"I know how this goes, Potter. You're going to irritate me within an inch of losing my sanity, then do something just charming enough that I don't notice you've tricked me yet again into ruining my own life," Lily replied dramatically.

"You find me charming?" he asked, knowing just how obnoxious a question it was.

"God, I hate you. Your plan to ruin my life isn't going to work this time," Lily said.

"I don't know why you think I want to ruin your life," James said.

Lily levelled him with a look of disbelief, "Let's recap this little bet of ours. You goad me into agreeing to self-destruct everything I've built – my reputation, friendships, everything – and how have you upheld your end? Paid attention in a few classes?"

"Being you just isn't as flashy," James said sheepishly.

He took off his glasses and began to vigorously polish the lenses against his robes. With his hair shorn too short to brush his fingers through, he had adopted this as his new nervous habit. It left him utterly blind, but at least he had something to do with his hands.

"No, you aren't trying," Lily corrected, "Which you wouldn't be, as your plan all along has been to trick me into humiliating myself and you could care less about losing the bet."

James wondered where this persecution complex was coming from. He really did not spend his time obsessing over how to mess with some girl's life. Sure, he enjoyed getting a rise out of her, he always had, but in that he was more opportunistic than diabolical.

"The bet is off," Lily announced.

"You can't just do that! Unless of course you concede defeat, in which case –"

"I concede nothing," Lily said, full of righteous indignation. Her face was almost as red as her hair at the mere suggestion. "I've destroyed you. You're in the negatives if such a thing is even possible.

It wasn't.

"If you want me to step up, I'll step up! Just you wait, I'll be the quintessential Head Boy from now on," James swore.

A cautionary voice sounded in the back of his mind, warning him not to make promises he wouldn't want to keep. He summarily dismissed that little voice.

"I'll believe it when I see it," Lily said dismissively.

"And you will. Monday. At the Prefects' meeting. You sit back and relax. I'll take charge of the whole thing," James said.

"This oughta be good," she snarked.

Lily made to brush past him, but he grabbed her arm.

"Are we really not going to talk about last night?" he asked.

"Oh, hell no! Back away, Satan!" Lily said fiercely.

James furrowed his brow, "Is that the devil from that Muggle religion? A bit harsh, Evans."

"If the horns fit," Lily said. The reference went right over his head, as he had never paid much attention in Muggle Studies.

"I just think that when unexpected events occur, two mature adults such as ourselves –" he gestured between them – "should be able to talk about it."

"It was a drunk snog. You can stop picking out the engagement ring," Lily said.

If he were in love with her, the words would have been cruel. As it was, he found it funnier than anything.

"Please, the lucky girl I choose will receive my grandmother's ring – it's been in the family for generations – not something picked out in a store," he said. He was joking but his disdain for a store-bought engagement ring was entirely genuine.

Lily opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, "I will not be goaded! Not this time!"

"Good luck with that. I've heard I wear people down," James said despondently as if living with a terrible curse.

"Just leave me alone," Lily said in exasperation.

"Alright, alright," James laughed. "Just know if you want to make a regular thing of it, I'm always amenable to more snogging, drunken or otherwise."

Finally at the end of her tether, Lily hexed him. Paralyzed, James toppled over. Lily crouched down to perch over his prone form and poked his side with her wand. At the tap, his skin turned the same shade of green that adorned the Slytherin crest.

"Not my best work, but I think I'll count this as one of my pranks for the week. Cheers, Potter!" Lily cooed.

And she called him Satan. Honestly, the hypocrisy overwhelmed.

As fortune would have it, James did not need to lie on the ground for long. A group of Gryffindor sixth years stumbled upon him not long after. James would have happily continued to lie paralyzed for another twelve hours, however, when he spotted who was amongst them.

Dahlia Reynolds, or as Sirius liked to call her 'James's Desperate Debbie Downer.'

The nickname was somewhat unfair, but also a bit accurate.

James and Dahlia had dated pretty casually at the start of term – or at least James had thought so. Dahlia not so much.

James loved girls; he loved talking to them, looking at them, and he certainly loved kissing them. He was not, however, any good at communicating anything unpleasant to them. So when he had realized that Dahlia was not on the same page regarding the nature of their relationship – possible Christmas vacation plans had been brought up – he had not informed her where they actually stood. He didn't tell her when she started referring to him as her boyfriend. He did not tell her when she told him she was writing home to her parents. He just let the misunderstanding snowball out of control.

He was so bad at communicating with girls, in fact, that James had never broken up with a single girl in his life. His tried and true method for ending a relationship was to become so unbearable that they did the job for him, or, barring that, to just never speak to them again. He wasn't proud of it, but the alternative – crying and emotions – was too much for him to bear.

Dahlia had not broken up with him when he became increasingly distant, or increasingly dismissive, or increasingly lewd to her friends. If there was one thing she deserved credit for, it was her persistence.

So it had been an extremely calculated, and extremely dick move, when he snogged her arch-nemesis, Petra North. His message had finally penetrated her oblivious skull.

She had stopped trying to speak to James for ten (count 'em, ten!) whole days. Then, with that very same persistence, she was everywhere, trying to get a word in with James. Considering the unorthodox method by which he had communicated he wanted to see other people, James thought it was pretty understandable that he had done everything in his power to avoid whatever conversation she wanted to trap him in. It would end in tears or hexing off his bits, and shockingly neither of those scenarios appealed to him.

The usual strategy of running in the other direction was currently not an option though, as he was paralyzed and lying on the stone floor. Evans's little prank was looking a lot less cute now.

"Is that you, James?" Leslie Nott asked giggling.

Har-har, it was so very funny to see a boy trapped on the floor with their stalker hovering above them. Laugh it up, Nott.

He, of course, couldn't answer seeing as how his mouth was immobile.

"You poor thing! Have you had a run in with the Slytherins?" Dahlia asked, addressing him with a sweetness that he had no right to.

He had forgotten how saccharinely sweet Dahlia was. That had actually been the main reason he had resorted to such ridiculous tactics in dumping her in the first place. She was just too adorable to chuck outright.

One of the girls, he couldn't see who, flipped him over so that he was lying on his back instead of face down on the ground. Evans' was exceptionally skilled at the Petrificus Totalus curse, so even his eyeballs were fixed in position within his head. But he imagined that if they could move, they would be expressing a world of panic.

"This is kind of convenient that you're here, because I've been wanting to talk to you for a while, but you're always so busy," Dahlia said.

"So busy," muttered Elise Biggins, who seemed to be the only one who understood that James’s busy schedule conveniently only occurred up when Dahlia was in the vicinity.

Really, the boys would be thrilled if he finally got this conversation out of the way. His avoidance of Dahlia had been a major inconvenience since, well, pretty much the start of term, seeing how their pseudo-relationship hadn't lasted more than two weeks total. Dahlia was a Gryffindor, which meant that entering the Common Room had suddenly become a dangerous endeavor requiring lookouts and spies. Meals in the Great Hall required coordination so that someone was always ready to run interference if they spotted Dahlia inching her way in their direction. It was a major pain in the arse.

Just last Sunday, Sirius had ordered James to grow a pair of bullocks, and get it over with already. It looked like he wouldn't even need to grow a pair, as Dahlia had effectively trapped him at last.

But then, the words sounding like music to his ears, Dahlia said, "Just let me take this curse off you and then we can find a place to talk. Finite Incantatum."

Like it was the whistle signaling the start of a Quidditch match, James took off the second he heard the blessed words.

"Sorry, have to go take care of very important Head business. Very important!" James called, racing off in the direction of Gryffindor tower.

He caught out of his peripheral vision, the stunned face of Dahlia and the unveiled contempt of Biggins, but there was nothing to be done for it.

James figured that he should lock himself in his dormitory for the rest of the day. There were only so many crises that he could negotiate in one afternoon, and he had thoroughly met his quota. If he continued to tempt fate – which was clearly not his friend at the moment – by waltzing around the castle, he would probably be struck by lightning before the end of dinner.

His dormitory was blissfully empty. Delighted at his good fortune, James wasted no time in shucking off his robes and crawling into bed. He was asleep within seconds.

James considered himself a pretty good riser. He didn't loathe mornings like Moony did, and he didn't wake up mean like Peter. If one ever wanted to see Peter stand up to him or Sirius, they just had to catch him before six in the morning. He was a bloody demon.

There was, however, no graceful way to wake up when you had just been clocked in the face, resulting in you toppling out of your own bed. James reared into consciousness, spluttering at the unexpected attack. His hand rose to his smarting cheek reflexively.

His attacker stood over him, snorting in huge gulps of air at the hilarious image James made.

"Oh Merlin, is it impossible to stay mad at you when you look like such a right ponce!" Sirius laughed, clutching his stomach as the spasms wracked through him.

"What the fuck was that?" James exploded.

"That was for hitting my little brother last night," Sirius said. "Did you really think I'd let you get away with that?"

"I was sleeping!"

"That's what makes it so funny," Sirius replied cheerfully.

"You've already hit me once today!"

"That didn't count. I was faking it," Sirius said.

"It certainly didn't feel like you were faking it," James grumbled.

Flouncing onto his bed, Sirius chided, "There's no reason to pout, Prongs. It's all out of my system now. The sight of you flailing about in your bed covers was more than enough to satisfy my need for vengeance."

James grumbled a bit more to himself. He would not have minded if Sirius decked him when he was up and walking, but he had been having a particularly restful nap. There was no honor in punching a sleeping assailant. In fact, it seemed to be a rather Slytherin tactic. James would have said so if it were anyone else but Sirius as was the guilty party. Pointing out any of Sirius's more Slytherin traits was not good practice.

"Regulus hit me first," James said instead. "And to protect Snivellus. Your brother has really cocked up priorities."

"Undoubtedly," Sirius agreed easily. "Though he seems to have sorted them out a bit judging by this morning. I don't think our greasy friend will be counting Regulus as an ally after that."

James shrugged. He really could care less about either of them. As long as James and Sirius were all right, the rest could go bugger themselves.

"So you and Evans, huh?" Sirius said, waggling his eyebrows.

James threw a pillow at him, which Sirius caught deftly in his hands. A part of James sighed mournfully at yet another piece of evidence that Sirius was meant to play Quidditch. It was his eternal pain.

"Let me ask you a question, mate," James said deviously. "If say a student was falsely accused of harassing another student, another student who happened to be a snitching rat and thoroughly deserved harassing, how much time do you think said student should let pass before exacting his revenge? Just to be safe?"

Sirius's grin impossibly broadened, "I don't know, mate. I'd say that letting too much time pass would let such a slithering bastard believe he can get away with just about anything. That he may start to think too highly of himself. Hypothetically, of course."

There was really nothing better than a day spent with your mates.

 

 

It did not take long to hatch a plan, as they had some left over schemes from the previous year that had been shelved essentially for being too mean. Tormenting Snape was always going to be a favorite hobby of theirs, but they had tried to maintain a higher standard of decency since the whole we-almost-murdered-you incident. Torturing Snape seemed a little less clever and a little slimier after that. Extenuating circumstances, however, said there was no need to hold back now.

"Everything's set except, we need the ashwinder eggs and a third person to play the distraction," Sirius said, twenty minutes later after they had worked out the rest of the details.

"We could use the cloak to sneak into Slughorn's private stores," James suggested.

"It's a Saturday. The oaf usually eats dinner in his rooms on Saturdays, which means we'll have to wait until tomorrow to get the eggs," Sirius said.

James groaned. He didn't fancy waiting to exact their revenge. Snape deserved some much-needed comeuppance.

"Okay, what if we enlisted some help, get someone to knock on his door and we sneak in while they ask him a question?" James asked.

Sirius pondered that while he lit a cigarette. "It can't be one of us. He'll be on red-alert if we come knocking at his door. He doesn't trust either of us."

"And rightfully so."

"Moony would work well enough. He's not one of Sluggy's favorites, but it wouldn't be suspicious for him to have a question either," Sirius said.

The muscles in James' stomach tightened in discomfort at the mention of Remus. Despite all his assurances to the contrary, James was not quite ready to forgive and forget. It hadn't even been six hours since Remus's betrayal.

The beauty of a prank pulled off amongst friends was the bonding experience, the fun that came along with it. Yes, James was all but bouncing in anticipation of putting Snape in his place, but he was also eager to do it with Sirius, to erase all of the drama between them from the day. He was not interested in ruining that with Moony.

"Last I heard, Remus was busy all day with homework. I don't fancy having him talk my ear off about how we're trying to ruin his NEWTs and his future. You know the speech," James lied.

Sirius grimaced. "The neither-of-you-know-what-it's-like-to-have-to-work-for-something speech? Never has there been a greater downer."

If James had felt shitty at the idea of including Moony, he was feeling doubly shitty now that he was lying to exclude him. This was untested territory. Never before had he purposefully tried to keep one of his mates out of their adventures.

"Who else can we ask?" James said, ignoring his niggling guilt.

"It's a shame the target is Snivellus, or I'd say Evans would be perfect. With her newfound bad-girl persona, and how Slughorn would probably fellate a house-elf if she asked him to," Sirius said.

James gagged loudly, "What is with you and these house-elf expressions? You're bloody disgusting!"

"The point of the expression is to instill disgust," Sirius said sagely. "As to my obsession, I imagine that I hold a great deal of resentment from having to listen to Kreacher lecture me on how I have ruined my house's good name."

James couldn't fault him there. He had only ever encountered Kreacher once, when he had been invited to the Blacks' for dinner as a second year. The shriveled little elf had been about as wretched a creature as James could imagine.

Contemplative James replied, "You know though, Snape had some choice words with Lily after we left Dumbledore's office. I wouldn't be surprised if she would be a little more amenable than usual to our love of seeing Snivellus suffer."

"I don't know. Evans being involved would just crush our poor mate Snivellus. Could we really be so cruel?" Sirius asked wickedly.

James' grin was so wide that the sides of his lips ached.

Finding Lily was surprisingly easy. She seemed to have given up on hiding from her gossiping classmates. That, or she really could use some good advice on what qualified as a decent hiding spot, since the couch in the middle of the Gryffindor Common Room saw some traffic.

Moving with a synchronization that seemed rehearsed, but was really just the result of years of spending so much time together, James and Sirius plopped down on either side of her. Lily actually bounced for a second, rising off the sofa in her alarm. Her head had been buried in a book, so she hadn't seen them coming.

"What are you trying to do?" Lily demanded in a voice far too frosty for the cozy Gryffindor Common Room.

"Enlist your help," James said all smiles.

It had occurred to him that Lily may have hesitations, less to do with Snivellus and more with James' own involvement. Hexing a bloke in the corridor was some girls' way of saying 'leave me alone.' More explicit warnings hadn't stopped him in the past, however, and they certainly wouldn't now.

"You see, Evans, we need a favor," Sirius said, wrapping his arm conspiratorially around Lily's shoulder.

She stiffened perceptibly but didn't knock it aside. "With?"

"We're working on something special and it requires ashwinder eggs," Sirius said.

"Only problem is that good old Slughorn isn't fond enough of us to just go passing out potions ingredients," James chimed in.

"Unless there's a Slug Club meeting. Then suddenly you're his very favorite student," Sirius said drolly. "But it got us thinking that we already know Slug's very favorite student."

"No."

"Why not? It's not like ashwinder eggs are super dangerous. We're not asking you to beg off some explosives," James pointed out.

Lily raised a skeptical eyebrow, "Except ashwinder eggs are dangerous. Sure they don't react poorly to natural elements in the air or our typical environment, but it's a pretty reactionary catalyst. Combined with the right base and you've got a pretty nasty acid."

"I had no idea. Prongs, had you any idea?" Sirius said in over exaggerated shock.

"None! I would have to pay attention in class for that, and, as Evans so frequently likes to remind us, we're wasting our potential," James replied.

"I've never said that. I would never suggest you have any potential to waste," Lily said.

She was cracking. The hint of a smile was breaking any illusions of iciness she was trying to erect to deter them. That was the thing about him and Sirius: if you presented them with a wall of ice, they'd come back with an ice pick.

"What are you planning to use it for?" Lily asked.

It was clear that she wanted them to lie to her. She wanted to hear a perfectly innocent answer so that she could clap her hands over her ears and sing la-la-la as whatever mischief occurred, able to deny that she had been in any way involved. Her hesitance was perfectly in line with what the Lily of a week ago would want. James refused, however, to treat her like the Lily of a week ago.

Maybe a single week wasn't that long in the grand scheme of things, and maybe one couldn't change one's very nature in such a short period of time, but something had shifted in Lily. She did not need them to hold her hand, and tell her pretty lies. A girl that can release a thestral on unsuspecting breakfasters, and then proceed to lie to Dumbledore's face, could handle the truth. In the long term, James rather imagined she would appreciate that they refused to coddle her.

"Now, Lily, we could lie to you," James sighed dramatically.

"Not that we ever would," Sirius piped up helpfully.

"But I think we're all above that," James continued. "We're going to pull a perfectly harmless prank on Snape. If you don't help us now, you know that we're just going to find another way. So, we would greatly appreciate a teensy bit of cooperation from you now, just to save us the trouble."

Lily began to twirl a strand of silky, red hair around her forefinger, lips pursed in concentration. While it seemed flirtatious, James was familiar enough with Lily's habits to know that it represented nothing more than that she was deep in thought. He had always found it a rather charming habit because it was so absent-minded. If he caught her hand now, he bet that she would stare up at him with shocked eyes, completely unaware that she had been twirling her hair in the first place.

"If you help, we'll count it as one of your pranks for the week," James threw in after he decided that she was taking too long to think.

The longer she sat there, the smaller their chances that she would go for it.

"We'll even count it as two!" Sirius offered.

James glared at his friend accusingly.

He most certainly did not agree that participation in Snape's punishment should be worth two whole pranks towards Lily's quota. They were hardly asking a lot from her. Merlin, she just had to ask a professor that adored her for a simple favor. Snape was going to get his comeuppance with or without Lily's help, so he wasn't sure why he should be giving Lily an unfair advantage in their wager. They were in the middle of a competition!

All of this he conveyed to Sirius with a glare aimed over Lily's head. Completely unintimidated, Sirius shrugged blithely, though his grin was a little too malicious.

Bloody unloyal was what he was. The prat probably hoped Lily would thoroughly trounce him at the end of the month just so that he could take the piss for the next, oh say, eighty years. James would have to remember to give him a good reminder of just how embarrassing it would be for all of the Marauders if word got out that Lily had outdone him. That should bring Sirius firmly back onto his side, where he should have been in the first place.

Oblivious to James's outrage, Lily groaned a bit, "This is such a bad idea."

James refocused all of his attention on Lily. Now that sounded promising.

"No risk no reward, Evans," Sirius said encouragingly.

"There is no reward in any of this," Lily pointed out.

"There's justice. You of all people must want to see Snivellus suffer," Sirius said.

Lily's brow furrowed, and she began to look decidedly guilty. Shit, they were losing her. Apparently they had overestimated how much she resented Snape. Really, the girl should be one step away from shoving him out a window in the owlery, not feeling guilty about playing a harmless – well relatively harmless – prank on the git.

"We're not going to hurt him," James said quietly. Sirius could hear everything he said of course, but his tone made it clear that his words were just for Lily.

As much as it defied belief, James would have almost said that when Lily met his gaze, the look in her eyes was one of trust. More than bribery or silly antics, Lily was going to help them because James made her a promise, and she trusted him to keep it. In seven years, James could not remember a time when Lily had trusted him with anything, no matter how small and insignificant the task at hand. To have that look directed at him now was making his insides squirm in discomfort.

James was not the knight-in-shining-armor type. He could be charming and chivalrous in a casual way with girls on a day-to-day basis, but he was an inevitable cock-up in the long-term with any romantic relationship. To say that he was alarmed by Lily's newfound trust was an understatement.

Yet, simultaneously, she did look rather beautiful right then. There had always been something princess-like about Lily, and her wide, beseeching eyes were really just taking that to the next level. He supposed he could learn to live with her newfound trust as long as he wasn't expected to actual do anything about it.

Give him a few days and he'd probably be pining away for how her skin turned pink when she was berating him.

Ha! Who was he kidding? The world would spin off its axis before he could make it three hours without Lily having a new reason to want to whack him upside the head with her Charms textbook. Such was life.

So when Lily sighed and let out a desolate "fine," her reason to capitulate was not because they were bribing her, or she was annoyed by their antics. It was because James had asked her to, and so she had agreed.

There was no need for James to take part in stage one of the plan – retrieve the ashwinder eggs from an unsuspecting Slug. His presence would only aggravate Slughorn, which was hardly helpful. Besides, Lily may be new to this whole pranking business, but he figured it was impossible to botch her part up.

Their plan – which they strategically decided not to share with Lily – was simple. Despite his proclamations to the contrary, James had known that ashwinder eggs could react violently to some bases. One such base happened to be flitterbloom. It was amazing how such an innocuous household plant could become such a hazard when its leaves were ground up, heated, and then introduced to ashwinder eggs.

Being the potions swot that he was, Snape was often found working diligently in one of the spare classrooms in the dungeons on his own experiments. It was well-known among the Hogwarts population that Snape was vying to get a prestigious fellowship with the Potioneers’ Guild after their final year at Hogwarts. James was not familiar with all of the requirements, but he knew that all applicants were required to brew their own experimental potion and submit it for testing.

Snape's was using flitterbloom as a base.

Just a little touch of ashwinder eggs, and Snape's practicum would become so volatile that it would all but melt his cauldron.

It was a rather brilliant plan, considering it would manage to hit Snape hard in the three things he cared most about: his potion, his ambition, and Lily. James figured they might just keep her involvement a secret for her own sake, but he would personally revel in the fact that she had helped them. Retribution had never been sweeter. Though James wouldn't call their plan vengeance so much as a greatly needed lesson.

While Sirius waited in the common room for Lily to provide the ashwinder eggs, James trudged down to the dungeons to scope out the best spot to wait. Snape was meticulous about locking up after himself, so they wouldn't be able to break into the classroom unless he was there to unlock it.

There were a number of ways they could do this. The simplest was probably just to wait until Snape arrived, slip into the classroom with his invisibility cloak, drop the eggs in the potion, and run like hell. What it lacked in elegance, it made up for in functionality.

The concern that method raised, however, was that James would have to slip into the classroom while Snape was closing the door. It was unlikely that Snivellus would dawdle with the door conveniently held wide open so that James conveniently could slip through. One of the saddest realities of puberty was that James was no longer particularly adept at slipping in anywhere. He was too tall, too bulky. With their luck, Snape would probably leave the door hardly cracked for a second, and James would all but barrel him over when he tried to push through.

For this reason, James and Sirius had opted for Plan B. In Plan B, they would allow Snape to enter the classroom and work unaccosted until he was lulled into believing everything was business as usual. Then, Sirius would create a diversion in the hallway to draw Snape outside. Even Snape wasn't paranoid enough to stop and lock up after himself, so that would be James' opportunity to slip in and wreak a little havoc.

The universe must have wanted Snape to suffer just as much as James did, because it threw an improvement to the plan directly into his path.

Not paying sufficient attention to his surroundings, James barreled straight into Alice as he rounded a corner. Neither were particularly slight people, so they didn't go toppling to the floor, but they were sent backwards a few paces.

"Cripes, James! Watch where you're going!" Alice snarled.

James rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, "Sorry about that. I'm a bit distracted."

"If the rumors are true, you certainly have cause to be. Quite the twenty-four hours you've had, ay," Alice said archly.

"You know me. I thrive on excitement," James said.

Thankfully this was true. The average person would probably have collapsed in bed and refused to move at this point. He had long since crossed over the threshold of excitement that most people could handle. James, however, was already keenly chasing after his next adventure.

Looking at Alice, it occurred to James that sitting watch was actually a terribly unexciting business. A little company would improve the matter substantially.

Abruptly, James asked, "Williams, want to help make Snape cry?"

There was never a moment where James doubted her answer.

"You have me, mind, body, and soul," Alice agreed gamely.

This was how James found himself sitting cramped in an alcove opposite Snape's classroom with Alice, passing a bag of Bertie Bott’s back and forth.

"The only people I know who eat these shite things are you," James commented, popping an unfortunately bitter jellybean into his mouth.

"And first years," Alice said unaffected.

"And first years," James amended, because it was true. Bertie Bott's were practically designed for a first year's uncultivated sense of humor.

Popping three more beans into his mouth, James groaned. "Utterly foul."

"If you can chew those for ten seconds without making a face, I'll give you a sickle," Alice challenged.

James had to fight back an answering grimace, chewing dutifully instead. Chocolate, mango, and sardines was an unpleasant combination. There was something extra gummy about the chocolate one too that was leaving a layer of grime on his molars. Relief flooded him when he at last swallowed. The overwhelming after taste was thankfully chocolate.

"You were definitely cringing a bit at the end, but I'll ignore it," Alice said magnanimously, flicking a sickle at him.

"Thanks for keeping watch with me. I fancy you're a bit more entertaining than talking to the walls would have been," James said, dropping the sickle in a pocket of his robes.

Alice shifted uncomfortably. "Not like I had anything better to do."

Right. James had all but forgotten anyone else was capable of having problems. It had seemed like he had a monopoly on them all day.

"Still…er…cross with your mates?" he bit out awkwardly.

"The four bitches formerly-known as my mates still aren't talking to me, no," Alice scowled.

"How's that possible when you share a dormitory?"

"Dunno, they just…pretend I'm not there. It's not like I'm begging for attention anyway. I'm not that desperate for those slags to talk to me," Alice said with a bitterness that contradicted her words.

"Girls are crazy," James offered weakly.

"That's sure as hell true," Alice muttered.

He let silence settle between them. He had no stake in this battle. Hell, he still wasn't straight on what the fighting was even about in the first place. Lily had hedged something about the cause being deeper than it appeared, but he had no fucking clue what that meant, nor the desire to sort it out.

"You know you're lucky I didn't get my hands on you this morning," Alice said abruptly.

James raised an eyebrow in bemusement.

"People were saying the worst shite about you, and I was planning to hex your bollocks off," Alice laughed heartily as if this was an amusing rather than alarming fact. "I actually went to the library to study up on the best way to do it."

"What did you decide?" James asked faintly.

"Slicing hex."

"Bloody hell, Williams!" James exploded, raising his knees protectively in front of him. "Why's everyone so quick to believe this shite?"

Alice had to catch her breath from laughing so hard at his reaction, but when she did, she answered, "Because blokes hurt girls all the time. Reckon there's some at Hogwarts too."

James frowned, "Yeah, but like the Slytherins."

"There are bad blokes in every house, James," Alice said, shaking her head. "I know you're an alright guy, but I bet some of the bad ones know how to fake it."

Sexual violence was not an openly discussed topic in the wizarding world. Hogwarts was forbidden by the Ministry from disseminating any information about sex and its related issues. That responsibility was delegated securely to the home, and a pretty good proportion of families never broached it.

James had heard of some of the pretty twisted ways in which those families who did choose to have the talk chose to cover the subject. The Blacks stood out as one of the most horrifying. They traditionally paid for a prostitute for their sons on their sixteenth birthdays; no explanation or discussion of consequences, just a trip to a brothel. Sirius had already lost his virginity several times over prior to his birthday, and had managed to talk his way out of that little rite of passage when the time came. The thought of accompanying his father to a whorehouse had killed any possibility of desire in him.

Godric knew what shite the daughters of the House of Black had to put up with. Sirius had no clue, and James didn't like to dwell on it.

Being raised by a single mother, at the age of nine, Remus had suffered through an awkward conversation with his bumbling mother before she ultimately just gave him a smutty romance novel and told him to ask if he had any questions. Remus had yet to ask a single question.

Peter had still yet to receive anything even close to the talk from his parents. They expected him to get by without their guidance, for which he had managed just fine.

James and Sirius had made it their mission in sixth year to get Peter laid. The process had been made surprisingly difficult by Peter, who had ridiculously high standards. He had cavalierly rejected girls James thought were cute, believing they were beneath him. They had ultimately succeeded in their mission, but it had turned into a much bigger deal that James had anticipated.

He still didn't know how Peter expected to ever find love since he insisted on only the hottest girls, who apparently had to have personality and brains too. Sirius had tried to explain that no girl had it all, but Peter was adamant that he wanted the real thing, and was not going to settle. James thought that if Peter ever did find this perfect girl, he would have to sweep her out from under Peter for himself, because she sounded too damn good to be true.

For James, the talk had come in the same manner as most things: a lesson with his father. His dad had poured him a brandy, which had made him feel terribly mature, and proceeded to explain to him about how humans tended to lose their heads about sex, which could make them exploitable and weak. James was to avoid that.

According to his father, the only two acceptable approaches to sex were to either have lots of casual sex where you never involved emotions, or to save it for one person who you truly trusted and loved. Anything in between left you vulnerable and was a mistake.

The only hint to sexual violence in their conversation had been a quick explanation that a man always respected a woman and her choices, regardless of whether emotions were involved. The women he engaged with should walk away satisfied (admittedly this part had been a little gross coming from his father), and with their self-esteem intact.

"Don't know much about it," James admitted eventually, unsure how to continue their conversation.

"My mum works at Mungo's, and you wouldn't believe the number of women she treats who were raped," Alice said severely. "It's all fucked up too because they have to pay their own medical bills unless they can prove they were raped, which almost never happens. Fucking Travers."

Minister of Magic Ulysses Travers was known for his platform of fiscal responsibility, and had dramatically cut down on public funding to wizarding institutions like St. Mungo's. There had even been talk of introducing a tuition fee to attend Hogwarts, which was deemed too mad of an idea to be implemented even by Travers's staunchest supporters. However, James had never really thought of how the new budget would affect those who were raped, as he had always assumed that anyone who was attacked would be protected under the clause that waived all fees for victims.

"Why don't they just file charges?"

The look Alice shot him made James feel thoroughly stupid. "What pure-blood is risking that hitting the papers? You know how our families treat these things. As for the muggleborns, the ministry's hardly going to spare the resources for a proper investigation. Almost all of it goes unreported. So now poor women are just not even going to Mungo's to get treated anymore. They're trying to handle it on their own, because they can't afford it."

James's insides squirmed. He was used to accepting the world as-is. That was the purpose of his father's lessons – how to navigate through the rules others created.

What Alice was describing, however, he didn't want to just accept. This wasn't a reality that he could just brush off. The people who couldn't overcome society's rules on this weren't weak, or just terrible at playing the game. They were actually victims on all fronts.

For maybe the first time ever, James was left wondering how to change the way things were, rather than just breezing by the uglier parts of life.

He was saved from having to reply to Alice (and really he had no idea what he could or should have said, so that was a blessing) by the arrival of Snivellus. A part of James had been hoping he would see a little despair on the git's face from his earlier defeat, but he looked no more dour than usual. His nose was still a bit swollen though, so James figured he would at least take pleasure in that.

Silence prevailed while they waited for a few minutes to pass before putting their plan into motion. James pulled out his mirror, the partner of which was in Sirius's possession, and signaled that Snape had entered the classroom. One large, black eye winked back at him.

From there, things progressed rather quickly. Sirius arrived with the ashwinder egg, looking pleased as punch. Wordlessly, he deposited the tiny cloth-wrapped eggs into James's lap. He didn't so much as raise an eyebrow at Alice's presence, rolling with the change in the plan as easily as if he had come up with it himself. Arm-in-arm, the two walked down the hall to their agreed upon locations.

James had always hated waiting. It was the worst part of any scheme. He preferred being reamed by McGonagall after getting caught breaking the rules to the monotony of sitting silently with nothing but his own thoughts.

Not that he had any thoughts to hide from, or anything like that. It was more that the physical manifestations of his anticipation – blood pounding in his ears, jittery knees –began to take their toll. His body was made for action, not repose.

The sound of a chair being flung against a wall down the hall informed James that the wait was over. He quickly draped the invisibility cloak over his person, making sure that all of his extremities were covered. He barely reacted when another chair was sent crashing into a wall, splintering into pieces. The ruckus was coming from the abandoned classroom was so loud that James would be shocked if Sirius and Alice had left a single piece of furniture untouched.

Through the cloak, which left his vision a bit distorted, James saw Alice approach and knock on the classroom door Snape currently occupied, although bang might be the more appropriate word for how she slammed her fist repeatedly against the wood.

The door opened a crack, revealing the greasy head of Severus Snape. Even Snape, known for his patience and unfathomable ability to ignore those that annoyed him, couldn't hold up against Alice. She was a force of nature.

"Perfect, it's you," Alice said.

"What do you want?" Snape snapped.

"Peeves is destroying a classroom down the hall. Surely you hear it," Alice said.

"And?"

"And you're a Prefect aren't you!" Alice yelled. She had to raise her voice over the noise that Sirius was still making down the hall. James hoped the idiot hightailed it soon or he was going to get caught and blow the whole thing. "Get down there and tell that bloody poltergeist to shut the fuck up!"

"My potion requires constant attention at this stage. I don't have time to be dealing with rogue poltergeists," Snape said obstinately.

Alice huffed, "I will drag you out by your ear, Snape. You're a Prefect, so he might listen to you! And I need him to shut up, or I'm going to Avada the closest thing in sight. Which, for the record, happens to be you. So, it's really in your best interest to help me."

There was a tense moment where it appeared that Snape might slam the door in her face, but the sound of more crashing seemed to help make up his mind. He walked out of the classroom with a resigned sneer.

"You have two minutes, Williams. If he doesn't listen, you can hunt down the Bloody Baron yourself," Snape said.

Alice managed to do a decent job of hiding her elation. She was hardly a seasoned veteran of pranks like James or Sirius, but she had clocked some hours in the field. She could hold up her end of a charade well enough. James watched as she led Snape down the hall. Just as planned, he didn't bother to lock the classroom door behind him.

Quick as a flash, James rushed into the classroom. Snape's potion bubbled innocuously in its cauldron. It tickled him that a potion that was such a pleasant shade of peach could be hiding such destructive properties.

Not really sure how much flitterbloom Snape had used, James figured it was probably best to keep his distance from the potion. The last thing he needed was for it to explode all over him.

He unrolled an egg and took aim, tossing it from the doorway towards the bubbling cauldron. With the hours he spent practicing as a Chaser, there was really no doubt in James's mind that it would only take one try to find his target. Sure enough, the egg – no bigger than his thumb – landed in the middle of the cauldron.

Nothing happened for a long moment. Confused, James began to unfurl another egg. Maybe one was not enough.

Before he could take aim, however, the first egg finished dissolving in Snape's potion, causing an enormous explosion. James had to dive out the door to avoid getting pelted in acidic, peachy goo. One clump of goo splashed onto the floor, a few inches above James ear, and sizzled menacingly.

He chanced a brief look back inside the classroom. The exploded potion had begun to dissolve just about everything in sight – the tables, chairs, all of Snape's belongings. Only the cauldron, which was designed to withstand these types of reactions, was left standing.

Jubilant, James rushed down the hall, still hidden by the invisibility cloak. He couldn't help but give a little jump at their success. He was hyper-aware of the blood pumping hot through his veins.

There was nothing more satisfying than a well-executed prank. He didn't even need to linger around to see the look of horror on Snape's face. He could picture it just fine from past experience. No, all of that joy came from knowing that he could achieve the things he set his mind to, that when he put forth the effort, his enemies would lose, and his friends would come out on top.

Not to mention the entire thing was fucking fun. Damn that explosion had been awesome. He couldn't wait to describe to Sirius just how high the potion had soared before exploding outwards. His friend would be so jealous that he missed it.

When he looked back on this day years from now, he wouldn't talk about how furious he had been with Remus, or guilty over Lily, or even worried about Sirius. No, he'd talk about how fucking cool it was when Snape's potion exploded, and he had to dive to safety to save his very life. One thing he could say about him and his friends: at least they weren't boring.

 

Score

Lily: 5 – James: 3

Final Tally

Number of times James failed to consider someone else’s feelings: 1

Number of time James misread Lily: 1

Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 0


	12. Oct 9: Of Boys, Yummy and Crumby

Lily Evans had a dilemma

It was a Sunday. No one should have problems on Sundays. The very idea was practically sacrilegious. The worst thing that ought to have been plaguing her right at that moment should have been figuring out how to get Marlene to shut up so that she could focus on her Herbology essay (which, to be fair, was also an issue that had presented itself).

Mary, Marlene, and Lily were sitting in the comfiest chairs in the corner of the Herbology section of the library – and Hogwarts-library standards of comfiest merely meant that they had a cushion on the seat. It was a very coveted study section, seeing how it was isolated enough that Madame Pince would allow a muffled level of chatter.

Not that Pince would ever scold her precious Mary. Being one of the most brilliant students in the school carried a certain cache with the infamously strict librarian. Mary could probably set fire to the shelves, and still escape without so much as a request to "Please abstain in the future."

The dilemma that was actually preventing Lily from glorying in the familiarity of their Sunday study ritual was currently burning a hole in her Transfiguration textbook – a note that she had tucked between its pages. Lily could swear that smoke was beginning to rise from the tome, based simply on the intensity of her preoccupation with the damned note.

If anyone were to leaf through the pages of her book and find the note, they would not think much of it. Perhaps they'd wonder at the brevity, or assume the lack of a signature indicated it was some secretive missive between lovers; but its contents hardly seemed damning.

_Meet me at Greenhouse five at eight._

The note had appeared in her bag at some point between breakfast and her arrival at the library. Lily had no idea how she had missed its delivery, but there it was.

She would recognize the elegant scrawl of the note's author anywhere. It was the penmanship of her oldest friend, turned bitterest enemy. Severus apparently wanted to speak with her.

Common sense dictated that she should ignore it. If he had sent her the note three days prior, she would have binned it without more than a frown. Best practice had been to ignore every one of her former friend's attempts at speaking to her since the summer. In fact, he had passed her several notes that had gone unread since the start of term.

She sternly reminded herself that nothing had changed since then. The thought would have had a greater impact if she hadn't been repeating it every few minutes since first discovering the note. She wasn't fooling anyone, least of all herself.

The truth was that everything about the events of yesterday was grating on her. She shouldn't have helped Potter and Black secure the ashwinder eggs, even if it had seemed like a fair idea at the time. After all, did she really believe that her refusal was going to do anything but slightly delay their evil plans? No. They would have pulled off whatever immature prank they had in mind regardless of her involvement.

But no rationalizing changed the terrible reality that she had aided Severus's worst bullies in hurting him once again. God, she was an awful person.

She knew how much Black's and Potter's goading had hurt him over the years. She had watched him try and fail to reign in his pain and anger; had watched his spirit slowly erode away to be replaced by the bitter bigot that he was now. How could she throw her lot in with the very people that helped reduced him so much in the first place?

The simplest answer was that she had been angry. She had wanted to hurt him like he had hurt her. Lily felt that she had hurt Severus far more than he had hurt her overall – while she had lost a best friend, he had lost the girl he loved. They didn't compare. She knew that.

And yet, was it really her fault? He had driven her away over and over again. If he loved her so much (which, while he never said he did out loud, he hardly needed to), he would have chosen her over his Death Eater-wannabe friends.

There was one traitor in the ruins of their friendship, and it was Severus, not her.

Yet the guilt remained.

A part of her actually wanted to go see him tonight. To hear his side of the story, and hopefully glean some idea of what nonsense Black and Potter had gotten up to.

Lily stabbed her quill viciously into her parchment. There were no words for how cross she was that worries about Severus had started to interfere with her school work.

"Do you have any idea how much I would kill for a pen right now?" Lily muttered furiously.

"Forget pens. I want a pencil with an eraser!" Marlene sighed earnestly, crossing out the last few sentences she had written.

"Well at least quills are pretty," Mary offered unhelpfully.

"Just like a pureblood to value aesthetics over functionality," Lily replied.

"What's so great about pens and pencils?" Mary asked.

Marlene got a dreamy look in her eye, "No smudgy ink fingers! You can erase your mistakes, even during an exam when magic is forbidden! You can…well I suppose that's all of the advantages."

"But what good advantages they are!" Lily agreed.

Mary flipped through her textbook, unruffled by her friends' writing-utensil woes. "Why don't you just bring some with you after break?"

"Quills are cooler," Marlene said.

Quills were cooler at Hogwarts because they were what the purebloods used, and the purebloods got to decide how the magical world was shaped. It wasn't something any of them would ever really say out loud, but most muggleborns went out of their way to adhere to the trends and practices of their magical peers, because it was best not to stand out in the current political climate. Sure, they were partially trying to provide the supremacists with one less thing to bully them for; but it was also a way for them to reassure themselves that they actually belonged in the magical world. That they could acclimate despite their backgrounds.

Not exactly the kind of thing you just said to your friends.

But Mary understood her friends' unstated insecurities. She understood because it was Marlene, and there was probably not a single nuance about her friend that escaped her understanding.

"Do you think there's a market for them here? Pencils and pens I mean," Mary asked after a beat.

"Are you asking if we think there are people who would want to buy pens and pencils at Hogwarts?" Lily clarified.

"Maybe? I've never really thought about it," Marlene answered after Mary nodded her assent.

"Hmmm," Mary said in response.

Mary wasn't one to make idle plans, but just because she was letting the subject drop for now didn't mean they wouldn't return to it later. Lily knew that her friend would ruminate on the idea for a while until she had a better grasp on what selling pens and pencils to Hogwarts population might entail. After that, she would then probably rope all of her friends into helping her with the endeavor.

Since the beginning of term, Mary had been looking for a new business opportunity to venture into. She claimed that the best test for the real world would be to sell to her fellow classmates. If she couldn't become successful within the microcosm of Hogwarts, then she would need to reevaluate her strategies because the wizarding world, as dispersed as it was, would require a lot more skill.

Just as Lily had done minutes prior, Marlene jabbed the tip of her quill into her own parchment, crossing out the last paragraph she had written.

"If your Potions essay is giving you that much trouble, just give it here. I'll take a look," Lily said, trying to keep the exasperated tone out of her voice.

Marlene shook her head, "I'm not working on Potions."

"I didn't know anything could piss you off that much other than Potions," Lily responded with an arched eyebrow.

"Try anyone," Mary said helpfully.

At Lily's questioning look, Marlene sighed and conceded, "I'm working on my piece for the paper on Sirius and well…he didn't give me that much to work with."

"I thought he spent almost an hour with you! Mary said.

"Yes, but he was so bloody difficult," Marlene whined. "I mean, I know he falls under the category of 'Brooding Romantic Hero,' so he can't spill all of his emotions into the lap of just any girl who asks. But he puts up so many walls!"

Lily could not contain the snort that rose up at Marlene's description of Sirius Black as a "romantic hero." Lily was of the opinion that Black had gotten a lot of mileage out of playing up that very stereotype, but it was faker than a transfigured piece of bacon. Brooding? Sure. Romantic or heroic? Try again.

"Like, all I wanted was for him to say one swoon-worthy thing about what he's looking for in a girl. Just one! Instead, I get physical measurements of what he thinks are the sexiest proportions. I can't print that! It makes him sound like a pig," Marlene continued.

"What were the measurements?" Mary asked curiously.

"Ninety-four by sixty by ninety-one," Marlene replied.

"Is that even possible?" Lily asked in disgust. "He might have well said that he just wants to date a doll!"

"Who said anything about dating?" Marlene said despondently. "He gave me pages of notes on how he has no interest in dating because, and I quote, 'How could I deny the female population my good company.'"

"Has it occurred to you that there may not be anything deeper there? Maybe he actually is just a pig, and you shouldn't give him this much attention," Lily pointed out.

"No! He is a tortured soul, and there is a heart in there somewhere. That's what I'm going to write about. None of this 'perfect woman' nonsense," Marlene said, her chin dipping downward in a sign that she intended to be stubborn about this one.

"Don't bother, Lily. I've already tried to reason with her, but she thinks we're stuck in one of her books," Mary said, not even bothering to draw her attention away from her essay.

"Fiction is a reflection of our reality," Marlene said with a swiftness that enlightened Lily that the girls already had this argument multiple times.

"If you really want to showcase Black as some kind of Byronic hero, why don't you interview some of the girls he's dated in the past? Maybe they'll have stories of him not being an arse for once that you can pepper in. Like as a contrast between how he really treats a girl compared to the game he's always talking," Lily suggested.

"Lily that is so brilliant I could kiss you!" Marlene cried.

"Get in line," added Mary's, a quip entirely unwelcome in Lily's opinion.

Some people had not taken the hint that certain events of the past two days were not to be mentioned. They had so wildly misinterpreted this directive in fact that they were bringing up said unspeakable events roughly every five minutes.

Berks every one of them.

"Who has Sirius dated?" Marlene asked, momentarily ignoring Mary's aside.

"Who hasn't he dated?" Lily scoffed. "Well, I suppose that depends on your definition of date…"

"It is a bit strange, don't you think, that he's never dated any of us," Mary said speculatively, referring to her fellow Seventh Year Gryffindor girls. "He's dated other Gyrffindors, and girls from every house. But he's never attempted to pursue one of the five of us."

"It's because we're so hideously disfigured," Lily replied flippantly.

"Well, that certainly explains me and Alice," said Marlene, ignoring how Mary swatted at her hand in reprimand for her self-deprecating remark. "But it doesn't account for the rest of you."

Lily supposed it was a bit strange that he hadn't really tried harder to get with them. She had heard, alongside everyone else, when he had successfully capped off all of the Hufflepuff Seventh Years by seducing Jacqueline Edwards into a broom cupboard. He tended to pursue his conquests systematically. One would think he would aim for the girls closest to him, the ones that he had worked alongside in classes and shared a common room with for years.

"Well, I've been with Ian forever now, and he must know that Lily's more likely to hex him than anything else. While Lily is certainly friendlier now that Snape is out of the picture, hostile doesn't begin to describe how things were," Mary said reasonably. 

Mary made a fair point. There was plenty of residual tension left over from the years when Lily would defend Severus against Black and Potter. Thinking the worst of Black was practically second nature as a result. It made perfect sense that he wouldn't even bother to tryanything with her. She couldn't be less open to any advances on his end if she tried.

And while Lily didn't think a boyfriend would be enough to stop Sirius Black if he set his sights on a girl, Sirius and Mary were actually friends. That must have earned her a different status than the rest of the girls he targeted.

There was no explanation for Shelia. Sirius's lack of real interest in her was likely to be remembered as one of the greatest mysteries of the world.

"Though I'm afraid you've gone and botched that up now, Lily," Mary sighed heavily.

"What?"

"I mean, maybe Sirius thought you would never be interested before, but now…" Mary trailed off.

"That's a good point!" Marlene said brightly. "If you can put aside past differences and snog James, who knows who else you might be willing to give a try!"

"Lily will just have to make clear to Sirius that she lusts for James, and James alone. She may be the slaggish type that climbs all over boys at parties, but she's very selective in her affairs. Saves it for one boy at a time," Mary added with a laugh.

"I hate you both so much," Lily said, blushing to the roots of her hair.

She buried her face in her essay, just in case her face turned darker than her hair. Goodness, they were having way too much fun with this. A girl has one tiny lapse at a party, and suddenly, no one believes that she isn't having secret fantasies of running away to Paris with a bloke and bearing his children. Truly sickening stuff.

"Trying to fall asleep so that you can dream some more about James?" Marlene asked deviously, her voice coming from a location disturbingly close to Lily's ear.

"For the last time," Lily muttered into her book. "It was a one-time thing."

"It doesn't have to be," Marlene sang in an obnoxiously lighthearted voice.

"If you say you don't have a thing for James, I believe you," Mary said consolingly. "It has been a while since you had a boyfriend. You probably would have jumped just about anyone Friday night. I'll let Sirius know you're not the selective type after all."

The nearly one-thousand times Lily had already tried to convince her friends she was not in love, or lust, or anything in between, with James Potter since yesterday morning had apparently not even fazed them. Her case probably wasn't helped by the fact that she couldn't really offer a good explanation as to why she decided a snogfest with James was a good idea in the first place.

Far too much alcohol was definitely a factor. Sobered up, and faced with the harsh light of day, there was literally zero chance of a repeat.

Yet, she didn't try to snog just anyone. She had chosen to snog James Potter, and even drunk, Lily knew that choice held at least some significance.

Lily supposed she and James were getting along for the first time since their initial meeting on the Hogwarts Express all those years ago. Yes, their interactions were still sometimes adversarial (ok, mostly adversarial). But they were also kind of fun. Rather than actually attacking each other, they were engaging in a battle of wills and wit, so to say. It was all so challenging and exciting. A small, traitorous part of her actually looked forward to seeing him every day, quivering in anticipation at the next move in their game.

She could chalk most of her enjoyment up to her competitive nature, of course, but it did have the effect of lessening her animosity towards him. Lily could no longer, truthfully, say that she hated James Potter.

Without the blinders that came with utter loathing, Lily had been forced to admit that, well…James was actually rather fit. While it was hard to even force the thought out in its entirety in the safety of her own mind, if she couldn't be honest with herself on even little issues now, she was setting herself up for big trouble down the road. So she made herself not only think it, but accept it as well:

Lily Evans thought James Potter was fit.

There.

In a completely clinical way, she supposed she had always known this unfortunate fact, but she had never confronted it. All of that hype around lusting after the enemy was codswallop. When Lily looked at the people she hated, she saw nothing of lust. Looking at your more-or-less-amiable rival, however…

He had a classically good looking face, masculine, with good proportions, with just a bit of character added by his silly-looking glasses. She liked his jawline, and his firm shoulders, and how much more manly he looked with his hair all but shorn off. Most of her classmates still had the remnants of baby fat and the glow of childhood about them, but there was something about James that screamed "man!,” something that made her toes curl a bit just thinking about it.

Yet his smile – when it was directed at some stupid joke or one of his mates – was that of a boy, sweet and unrestrained. And his stupidly, messy hair had suited him when longer.

Teenage witches were allowed to find a bloke fit without it meaning anything more. Honestly, why was everyone so fixated on her love life?

Lily asked her friends just that.

"Because I have to live vicariously through you and Sheila!" Marlene cried out in response. "You can pull the hottest guys, ones I could only dream of, and you're wasting it, Evans! Wasting it!"

"You have been single for a while," Mary added in with a lot less enthusiasm.

"I will…consider looking with a more open eye at my options. But James Potter is not one of them," Lily bit out.

"Wasted," Marlene muttered darkly.

"Enough of this. Marlene, you're very pretty. The only one who doesn't think so is you. Go seduce your own boy, and stop pressuring me," Lily ordered.

Lily's genuine advice on the subject was ignored like it always was. Whatever mental blocks Marlene had erected on the subject of her own beauty held up just fine against the reason her friends tried to throw at it.

Lily was starting to believe that Marlene's refusal to consider that she might not be wretchedly unattractive wasn't even insecurity. At least, Marlene seemed to blithely accept her fate of being unattractive without too much concern. Lily deemed it a security blanket more than anything. That way, Marlene could dispense all the advice she wanted about Lily being bolder with boys, and have an easy fallback for why the situation was entirely different for her.

But calling her out on this yielded precisely nothing, so Lily didn't even bother.

Looking a tad bit cross, Marlene returned to writing her article. Now that Marlene had finally stopped distracting her, Lily was able to pay her Herbology essay the attention it deserved. Of course, the subject of the essay was on what plants made the best salves, which were something one would make in Potions. And what else would one use in Potions? Ashwinder eggs. Which brought Lily right back to square one: worrying about Severus.

If she went to the meeting (which she shouldn't, as that would be a terrible step backwards), how poorly could it possibly go? In the alternate universe where she didn't know better and she went against her own better judgment.

There was literally nothing Severus could say anymore that could truly hurt her. As terrible as that was to think, Lily was entirely immune to his insults. He could call her every name under the sun, and her only reaction would be to blink her eyes at him. It was impossible to be offended when she knew he didn't really mean any of it.

Avoiding Severus wasn't about protecting her ego or heart from his mean words. It was about protecting herself from her own temper. Her former friend could make her so furious. With every jibe he sent her way, he demeaned the memory of their friendship just a little bit more. It made her feel stupid and weak, and feeling stupid and weak sent Lily into a fury she had very little control over. And Lily was not a fan of losing control.

The smart move (the only move) was to pretend she had never found that damned note, and go about her business as usual. Yes, that was exactly what she was going to do.

(Sometimes it was terribly hard to lie to yourself.)

"Can I borrow your Defense book?" Mary asked, hardly glancing up from the revisions she was making.

"I didn't bring it with me," Lily said. "Why do you need it?"

"I wanted to double-check what the Ministry standard is on the best shield charms for fire-based curses," Mary replied, as if her query were obvious.

"We don't have any Defense homework. Ever. We won't ever have any Defense homework again. What are you doing?" Lily asked.

"You say that like it's a good thing," Mary muttered in place of replying.

Lily leaned forward so that she could take a look at what Mary was working on, and fell backwards in her seat with a gasp after seeing her friend's work. From the looks of it, Mary had written at least seventeen inches on shield charms. Seventeen! And all for what was essentially a self-assigned essay.

"That's mad! I know that I'm a bit of a swot myself, but geez, Mary! Are you going to do this for the rest of term?" Lily said, failing to keep the judgment out of her tone.

Mary shut the book she had been using as a reference with a solid thump. "Some of us want to pass our NEWTs, Lily, and forgive me if I don't think Professor Ames's experimental 'methods' are the best for ensuring that I do."

Lily held her hands up in a placating gesture. "It's a good idea. I'm just surprised by how long that essay is. I figured I'd just do extra reading not write a book on the subject."

"You retain more when you write," Mary replied matter-of-factly.

"Are you sure this doesn't have anything to do with the grade you got on Thursday?" Lily asked hesitantly.

It was probably a good sign that Mary didn't lunge across the table and slap her across the face.

"I still can't believe she gave you another Troll," Marlene said scowling. "Bloody banshee."

Thursday's DADA class had gone just as poorly for Mary as their first under Professor Ames's new teaching practices. Ames continued to insist that Mary was capable of much greater things, if only she just opened herself up more and allowed herself to become fully enveloped in the depth of her emotions.

So far, Lily had managed to avoid earning the same censure from their professor, but it was probably only a matter of time. Ames's continued targeting of Mary was putting the redhead on edge, because Lily found it very hard to believe Mary was much more closed off than Lily herself. Lily was just evidently hiding it better. Last class, her skin had practically buzzed with the fear that Ames was going to fail her too.

When had her life become so stressful?

If she was being honest, probably primary school.

"I'm not wasting my time worrying about the opinion of one detractor," Mary said serenely.

"Not any detractor. A professor," Lily muttered under her breath.

Mary pretended not to hear her.

"Oh my God, I give up," Marlene wailed.

"Thank God. Your crush was getting so old," Lily said.

"I meant that I'm giving up on getting any work done right now. We're all too distracted. If you got any twitchier, Lily, you'd probably fall out of your chair," Marlene said with a scowl.

"Damn. I'd gotten my hopes up," Lily sighed.

"It's about time for lunch anyway. Why don't we go get some food and try again after?" Marlene suggested.

"Go on without me. I'm fine here," Mary said, still zeroed in to her Defense essay.

Marlene and Lily exchanged a look. Like hell were they leaving Mary to waste away in the library on a pointless essay that no one would even grade. Come crunch time, the girls supported each other's need to hole up in the library in preparation for exams. But, it was currently October, and Mary really had no excuse outside her own obstinate personality.

Determined, Lily and Marlene approached their friend on either side, hooked their arms through hers, and pulled her up from the chair. Seeing how Mary had the body-to-fat ratio of a prepubescent gymnast, it took embarrassingly little effort on their part to drag her out of her seat.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! You're going to pull my arms out of their sockets!" Mary howled as they forcibly dragged her towards the door.

"Don't worry. We'll pop them back in for you," Lily said unfazed.

"Cuz' that's what friends are for!" Marlene sang cheerfully.

"What about my books? Our things?" Mary protested.

"Something tells me there are no book thieves lurking in the stacks, waiting for people to leave their Runes text," Marlene snorted.

Mary made a few more desperate attempts to break free – wriggling about in a way that seemed impossible for any person possessing a vertebrae – but Lily and Marlene maintained an iron grip on her. By the time they made it to the Great Hall, Mary had even started taking her own steps instead of forcing her friends drag her between them like a limp sack of potatoes.

Sunday lunches were usually pretty staid affairs. The upperclassmen were frequently nursing hangovers, gorging themselves on the house elves' sumptuously prepared meals, hardly sparing a word for each other. The underclassmen were too excited to embrace the remainder of their Sunday to waste even a second of it on eating, shoveling their food into their mouths like the hounds of hell were after them, before disappearing off to whatever plans they'd made for the day.

So, based on precedent, Lily was entirely unprepared for the spectacle of activity and excitement that greeted her once they entered the Great Hall.

All four house tables had been pushed into the back-center of the hall to form one massive table. The benches had been cleared away to the very outskirts of the room. Groups of students were milling about in excited clusters, chattering away with far more energy than anyone should reasonably be showing on a Sunday afternoon.

And at the center of it all, standing on the newly-made massive table, was James Potter.

Towering over the student body from his position on the table, the Head Boy seemed to be directing a lot of the student activity. Currently, he was gesticulating wildly at a group of Ravenclaws who appeared to be hanging some sort of curtain. It fell into place over the tables, so that now half was limited from their view.

For about three beats, Lily was frozen in place. After that, her Head Girl instincts kicked into gear, and she started to push her way past the throngs of students towards the source of all the trouble. Mary was so surprised by the growing spectacle that didn't even take advantage of her newly freed limb to make an escape back to the library.

"Thalia!" Lily called, snagging the back of the fourth year Gryffindor's robes as she walked by. "What is going on here?"

Thalia furrowed her brow in confusion. "You don't know?"

Lily would have liked to make a bitchy comment about how she clearly wouldn't be asking if she did know, but held it in. There was no need to patronize fourth years just because Potter was up to no good.

"It's the student auction!" Thalia supplied as if that should just clear everything right up.

"What kind of auction?" Marlene asked curiously, both she and Mary finally catching up with the Head Girl.

"Hullo, girls. You wouldn't happen to have seen Faraj Shafiq, have you?" asked a harried Remus Lupin, suddenly appearing by Thalia's side.

"No. But what –"Lily began, trying to get answers from someone she knew would have them.

"Just like a Slytherin to make things more difficult," Remus muttered, cutting Lily off completely. "Still, the man's far too pretty. We need him."

Faraj Shafiq certainly was a very good-looking young man. Silently, Lily would be happy to agree to that statement, though, because of his house allegiance, she would hesitate to admit so out loud. Nonetheless, no matter how good-looking Faraj Shafiq was, it was strange for Remus to comment on it.

Without so much as a backwards glance, Remus hurried off to continue his hunt for the Slytherin boy.

The girls all stared askance at his retreating form. The only person who didn't seem completely discomfited by Remus's out of character statement was Thalia, who seemed to understand where Remus's newfound admiration of Faraj was coming from.

"What the hell is going on?!" Lily demanded loudly.

"Evans! There you are! Come and see what we've done so far!" Potter called out from his makeshift stage, clearly having heard Lily's question over the din of the other students.

Potter offered her a hand to help her up onto the table once when she made her way over to the stage. For a brief moment, Lily hesitated. But there was really no way she was going to be able to hop up onto the table without slipping about and making a fool of herself. With a grip under her armpits, James hoisted her up onto the table. Lily thought wryly that she now empathized how annoying it must have been for Mary when she and Marlene had manhandled her so effortlessly earlier.

"What is this?" Lily inquired again.

"The event we're supposed to be hosting at Dumbledore's request. You know! To cheer up the student population," James replied enthusiastically.

The boy was practically buzzing with energy, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, eyes flitting eagerly about the room. If it were anyone else, Lily might have felt a bit bad about trying to dampen that kind of child-like enthusiasm. But this was Potter and, more often than not, the boy was up to no good.

"You mean the event that we were supposed to plan and agree upon together?" Lily asked, a warning in her voice.

James smile faltered a bit, "I'm sorry, Evans. I came up with the idea last night, and by the time I had cleared it with Dumbledore, you were up in your room. It's going to be great though! I promise."

Lily relaxed the smallest fraction upon hearing that Dumbledore had approved whatever nonsense James was up to. She supposed it would have been impossible to hide this level of activity from the professors, so it made sense that Dumbledore was aware of the…situation.

Belatedly, Lily also realized this was possibly the first time Potter had ever apologized to her. For anything.

"I'm still waiting to hear what all _this_ is," Lily said, gesturing to the commotion in the Great Hall.

"It's a student auction! The finest blokes Hogwarts has to offer are going to strut about, put on a little show for all you lovely ladies, and you get to bid on your favorite. The prize is a private lunch between just the boy and the winner." James said all of this like it was the finest idea anyone had ever had.

"You're auctioning off dates? For actual money?" Lily scoffed.

"Yep. And here's the most brilliant part! I did some research, and there's an organization that funds medical treatment for witches who were assaulted. We're going to donate all of the proceeds there to try to raise some awareness on the issue," James said.

Lily was so stunned by James' explanation that a tickle from an owl feather could have knocked her over.

"Th-that's…incredible," Lily breathed out completely stunned.

James's already enormous grin managed to impossibly widen even more.

In Lily's estimation, James Potter was many things; but a considerate boy conscious of the world was entirely new perspective for her. Lily could always trace some of her resentment of James back to his usual apathy. There were so many things wrong with the world, and Lily spent so much of her time dreaming up ways to better understand it in an attempt to change things for the better.

She had tried some pretty crack-pot methods of activism during her third year, attempting to cover a slew of issues she felt plagued the Hogwarts community. She had petitioned for an annual holiday for owls (they were living beings, not simply personal couriers!); she had concluded her mission that year with all of seventeen signatures.

Then there was her attempt to acquire support for a mandatory Muggle literature course to expose purebloods to Muggle culture; it had garnered a tiny bit of support from some professors before being denied for scheduling constraints. The idea had never gained enough traction for the purebloods to even find out about it, and Lily had been oh so prepared for that fight.

Finally, there was her effort to start a jogging club, which Lily had felt was desperately needed, seeing as there was only one type of sport at Hogwarts, and the rest of the population received relatively no exercise. Only Mary had bothered to join her, seeing as how, apparently, jogging through Scotland in February was a "ludicrous" idea.

Lily wanted to change the world. Sometimes, her empathy towards people was so overwhelming her that it would cause her to lose her breath. She tried so hard to present an icy exterior mainly because it would be too overwhelming (for herself and others) if she unleashed the full extent of her passion.

People already looked at her like she was a freak when her passions began to emerge, particularly when she asked questions in class regarding the workings of magic, or pointed out the flaws in the wizarding political system. She didn't need to further garner her peers' disdain with even more activism.

No, after third year, Lily packed all of that passion up in a little box in herself and hid it from the world.

However, concealing her own intensity did not change that she felt it; Lily had always been bothered by how lackadaisical James was about everything. He was a Potter: well-liked, intelligent and talented. He could do anything he wanted. The world was literally designed for him to take, and he seemed content to waste it all on stupid larks with his mates and swooning over girls.

This sudden interest in raising funds to aid witches in need came as a complete shock to Lily, completely out character for her fellow Head. It was, however, a completely welcome one. She felt her heart clench a little as she stared up at him with what she assumed to be ill-disguised awe.

"Everything's pretty much ready to go," James told her. "I think Remus would have liked a little more time to organize some things, but I think the guerrilla nature of it makes it more exciting! School-sanctioned events usually aren't very cool, so if we can make this one seem a little bit illicit, everyone will hopefully have a bit more fun."

"I think they'll support it just because you organized it," Lily replied, instantly regretting the honest statement.

James laughed, as if Lily's statement was a joke instead of a well-known fact. "Maybe, but let's make it good all the same. The only thing I really need from you is help with the music. Do you know if anyone has a Muggle radio, or record-player, or something that we can use? We're going to need some mood music if we want to trick you girls into thinking the sorry blokes we have to offer here are worth any real gold."

"Why not use the radio from Friday's party?" Lily offered.

"It was crushed in a freak dancing accident. It would appear that half of the Hufflepuff in attendance simultaneously fell over on it. They might be a quiet lot, but no one would ever say they don't know how to party," James explained.

In spite of herself, Lily was charmed by his plan, and offered to find a radio.

"Aces!" the Head Boy replied. "I've got to go help finalize the line-up. Everyone's fighting over who gets to go last – coveted position and all -- but I'll talk to you later," James said, clapping his hands together enthusiastically.

He bounded off without a backwards glance, leaving Lily to clamor off the table herself.

"Is anyone going to point out to him that selling off dates to raise awareness for sexual violence makes very little sense," Mary said dryly once Lily rejoined them.

While Lily had been speaking to James, Mary and Marlene had finally wrestled the Head Boy's plan out of Thalia. The somewhat uncomfortable conflict-of-interest raised by a date auction had not gone unnoticed by any of them.

Lily sighed, "I would, but he's so excited about it. Hopefully it'll at least start a conversation, and raise some money for the cause."

But the spirit of the event was infectious, and soon even Mary found herself getting excited to join in the fun.

Finding a radio proved easy enough. Lily was familiar with most of the muggleborns at Hogwarts, and had hunted them down one-by-one until, finally, Lucas Thompson had turned over an old radio.

"So, I'm pretty prepared to say this is the best idea in history!" Sheila announced, appearing at the Gryffindor girls' side while they were waiting for the event to start by the stage.

"You do realize that you're going to pay to have lunch with your boyfriend," Mary pointed out. "The same boyfriend who would have eaten with you for free."

"It's fun! A concept I know you struggle with. And it's exciting, having to fight for my man and all! I love it," Sheila replied before turning to Lily and Marlene. "Who are you two bidding on? Mary'll have to choose Ian, and I'm accounted for as well, but you two have the pick of Hogwarts."

"Erm, um, well," Lily stuttered, uncomfortable with the question directed at her.

Herein, lay the problem with the student auction: under normal circumstances, Lily would have just refused to take part in something so silly. She didn't have any male friends who wouldn't misinterpret her bidding as a romantic overture, so anyone she bid on would just lead to some raised hopes and awkward conversations.

But this particular auction was for charity, and Lily couldn't in, good conscious, refuse to participate while her classmates generously donated their money to a good cause. That was about as un-Head-Girl-like as one could get.

"Maybe Ethan North?" Lily offered, referencing a sixth year Gryffindor whom she got along with pretty well.

Shelia snorted unattractively in response. "He's far too ugly. He'll think you're bidding on him out of pity. Better to let some girl more in his league who actually wants to date him bid for his date."

"That's not very nice Shelia, but you raised an even bigger concern. By your logic, won't any boy I bid on think I'm trying to date them? I don't want to date any of them!" Lily said.

"Lily, you just promised us in the library that you were going to reevaluate your options," Marlene reminded her unhelpfully.

"You'll forgive me if I thought I'd have a little more than three hours to think about it," Lily grumbled.

"I think I'm going to bid on Peter," Marlene offered. "I always enjoy our chats."

"Snooze! Boring!" Shelia reprimanded. "What is wrong with you two?! You two are beautiful, single ladies that have the opportunity to get a date with any guy in the auction, and you're both picking the safest options available. You don't have any chemistry with Peter, Marly."

"I know, but it's not like I can bid on…"

"Who, Black? Yes, you most certainly can!" Shelia insisted.

"Everyone's going to bid on him," Marlene pointed out, quite sensibly in Lily's opinion.

Lily shuddered to consider just how much a date with Sirius Black was going to cost some foolish girl. If it wasn't for charity, she would be appalled.

"But last time I checked, you were Miss Money Bags," Shelia said.

"Shelia!" Mary chastised.

Marlene shifted uncomfortably on her feet. She always started to act shifty when the topic of money came up. It was almost obscene how much money Marlene's father had accumulated over the years by running his own business. By the time Marlene's family had moved to Britain, they had amassed a fortune that would make a Malfoy drop his jaw.

But Marlene hated anything that made her stand out from the herd, so she despised discussing her family's situation. Lily hadn’t even realized that Marlene wasn't comfortably middle class like most other students until a town car picked her up from King's Cross at the end of their first year.

A tinny, trumpeting sound that Lily recognized as emitting from a wand interrupted their conversation, and brought the student body to a hush. Curtains flew across the windows so that the normally bright hall dimmed, with only the stage illuminated.

"Ladies and gentleman, welcome to Hogwarts' first ever Bachelor Auction! I'm your mistress of ceremonies for the afternoon, Erin Simmons."

The tiny figure of Erin Simmons emerged from behind the curtain, holding her wand like a microphone, and causing Lily to blink back her surprise. Lily had assumed that her fellow Head would insist on playing emcee, seeing how he would usually revel in the opportunity to narrate as his classmates made fools of themselves.

"Who is that?" Mary whispered.

"Sixth year Ravenclaw," Marlene whispered back. "Brilliant too, at least from whay I've heard."

"Her hair is so chic. I love it," Lily murmured.

Erin Simmons wore her hair in an Edie Sedgwickesque-type bob that did wonders for introducing some androgyny to her otherwise pixie-like face. For the current occasion, the sixth year was dressed in a set of black robes, layered atop a white muggle dress-shirt finished with a Mandarin collar that was reminiscent of a priest's collar.

Lily wasn't at all surprised that Mary had no idea who Erin Simmons was. The sixth year was not an obvious choice. She kept mostly to herself and her immediate circle of friends, never choosing to make much of a splash. As far as Lily knew, the girl was involved in no extra-curricular activities, and, despite her supposed brilliance, was too lazy to excel a making good grades. She was someone who often faded into the background when competing against Hogwarts' colorful host of characters, so her current position atop the stage came was a welcomed surprise.

"The rules of the auction are simple. Simply shoot sparks from your wand when you would like to bid on any one of our bachelors. The winner will obviously be the witch or wizard who bids the most money," Erin said, speaking over the round of snickers regarding her mention that wizards could also bid.

"Please remember that you are bidding on a lunch, and only a lunch. The bachelors are not your slaves for the day, and owe you nothing. Please have a little decorum, and remember this is for a good cause."

Despite Erin's warning, Lily imagined that there were still some witches in attendance who were going to be very disappointed if their lunches didn't end in heartfelt declarations of love, and promises to go steady.

"Let's get started with a special two-for-one package: The Weasley brothers!" Erin announced, officially commencing.

Gabriel Weasley strutted onto stage while his younger brother, Lance, practically fell over himself to join him. Lily hooted and hollered for her fellow Gryffindors as they pranced around the stage, flexing their non-existent muscles, and preening humorously for the audience.

In spite of herself, Lily found herself already laughing and enjoying the show. Gabriel and Lance were a good start to the auction because, while neither were heartthrobs, they both were willing to play the fool, putting the audience at ease from the start.

The auction went by pretty uneventfully for the first dozen or so participants. For the most part, the boys were snapped up either by girlfriends or close female friends. It did not seem like any of the girls were actually competing for a date with a boy they fancied, but rather just enjoying the show.

And boy, was it a show.

There was a lot of dancing, flexing, push-ups, and general silliness as the boys blew kisses and winks at their audience. Lily hadn't realized the student population of Hogwarts was so at ease with themselves. Or maybe it was something to do with being a male. Lily didn't think she or her friends would be nearly as natural on stage. They would have probably required weeks of practice, and might have still failed to capture that easy charm that made the event feel safe and fun.

There first bit of drama emerged at Regulus's turn. Selma Shafiq seemed determined to outbid Sabrina Greengrass, who, Lily remembered from their meeting with Dumbledore, was at least on the verge of dating Regulus. It was a bit funny to watch Sabrina's face turn progressively redder as Selma upped her bid to ridiculously high amounts – the Shafiq's Gringotts vault was well stocked with gold.

What made Sabrina's ire so entertaining was that Selma Shafiq was a 150 centimeters tall third year with a crush. She wasn't really someone to incite jealousy.

Selma ultimately won her bid, and she looked as smug as only a rich pureblood could as she skipped over to join Regulus the moment he descended from the stage. The boy spared a sheepish glance at Sabrina before giving all of his attention to Selma. It was rather adorable to watch the little girl bounce up and down in excitement at having won time with the older boy she fancied.

While watching her classmates get bid on was wildly entertaining, Lily felt that the best part of the whole event was Erin Simmons's running commentary on her perceived value of the boys on stage. As it turned out, Erin was not one to fawn over a pretty face, and she had some blunt words in regards to the participants.

Hufflepuff sixth year, Michael Sterns was told to "Stop mugging for the audience like that, you twat," and that he wasn't "half as handsome as you think!"

Preston Nott, an odious Slytherin seventh year, was ordered to "Try a smile, buddy. No woman's going to want you with that stick shoved up your arse."

Henry Higgles was told to "Keep your mouth shut on your date, and the unfortunate girl who bids on you might decide she didn't completely waste her galleons!"

The girls were all practically beside themselves at this wonderfully accurate commentary. Michael Sterns did think he was God's gift to women, and while he wasn't half bad to look at, his confidence was not deserved considering Sirius Black was his peer. A Slytherin bigot, Preston Nott probably hadn't even developed the muscles necessary to smile, and his lips could only convulse awkwardly in an attempt to appease Erin's barking orders. And Henry Higgles really was insufferable at times. Gryffindor loyalty aside, the boy really could learn to talk less.

Lily perked up a bit when it was finally Ian, Mary's boyfriend, turn to come out on stage. So far, none of her friends had been tempted to bid on any of the participants. If Lily had been hoping for something romantic or fun to come of it though, she was to be disappointed.

Mary bid on Ian in the most perfunctory way, casting her sparks into the air without commentary. No one bid in competition against her. While Ian was cute, he was hardly the type of boy that girls fought over; he simply walked off stage to join his girlfriend, bought for the low price of one sickle.

The introduction of Faraj Shafiq, who Remus was obviously successful in finding, marked a shift in the selection of boys to be auctioned. It appeared that James organized the event so that the less attractive and popular boys had been presented first, leaving the second half of the auction primed for real competition.

Hogwarts really did have quite a few delicious boys, Lily mused. She was so accustomed to seeing their faces on a daily basis that she had taken for granted just how attractive some of her classmates were. Having all of them presented to her like a big buffet of handsome forced her to acknowledge that her school was truly blessed.

While she still wasn't sure who she was going to bid on, Lily figured she could at least scope out her options. Her friends were probably right: it was time for her to start considering another boyfriend.

She really didn't like to force these things, but, who was she kidding, what secondary-school relationship isn't somewhat forced?

There was a small, but staid, bidding war over Peter, who was only introduced so late in the show because of gross favoritism and the cache that came with being a Marauder; he obviously didn't possess the good looks to compete with the other boys introduced thus far. He was won by Genevieve Travers, and actually had the nerve to look appalled by the fact. Genevieve was a perfectly cute and well-liked Ravenclaw, and Lily didn't understand how Peter, with his face, could be looking down on someone else.

"Sarah Myers, that boy is far too young for you. I'd say this is a place of no judgment, but it's not. I'm judging," Erin announced, pointing to seventh year Sarah Myers who had just snapped up Ravenclaw, Rodrigo Gelosa, who was only a fourth year.

"Next up, Jerome Desmarais!"

Lily cheered enthusiastically as Jerome came out on stage. He walked around the platform, sheepishly rubbing at the back of his neck while waving at the audience. Shelia's boyfriend wasn't really the type to make a big show of himself and how good-looking he was, but damn was he ever. Even if he wasn't playing it up on stage, the female population went wild for the most handsome boy to be auctioned off yet.

Shelia looked like the cat that ate the cream as she eyed her boyfriend. Lily knew that Shelia would appreciate Jerome's good looks even more now that they had been affirmed by the rest of the school. It wasn't that Lily would call Shelia shallow, but she did believe that the best things were universally sought after, and she made a habit of only pursuing the best.

The smug look was wiped right off her face when sparks flew from Diana Urquart's wand.

Back when dating first began to emerge on their radar as something possibly worth pursuing, the Marauders had a strict No-Slytherins rule. They could be heard loudly declaring that they would never snog a "slimy snake," for they had "standards." That rule had been soundly dismissed once Diana Urquart hit puberty because, as Sirius had once charmingly stated, "It's easy to ignore the scales when faced with an arse like that."

What followed was an almost heartbreakingly-depressing bidding war. There was no hope that Shelia was going to be able to outbid Urquart. None. The Marks family was pure-blooded, but of little note, while the Urquarts were hailed as one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight. Lily observed despondently as Shelia continued to bid long after it was reasonable for her to do so, throwing away what would be all of her spending money for the term.

"You need to stop," Lily whispered, gripping her friend's arm as she went to raise her wand once again.

"It's just one lunch. I'm not going to forgive you when you can't buy me a Christmas present because you spent all your money on one insignificant lunch," Marlene whispered in agreement.

For a moment, it looked like Shelia was going to ignore their pleas, but she dejectedly dropped her arm, and watched as Jerome went for twenty galleons to Urquart.

"Twenty galleons! You're lucky this is for charity or I would be appalled. I don't care how nice his smile is, Urquart," Erin scoffed.

Jerome gave an uneasy smile in Shelia's direction before walking off stage to join Diana Urquart. In Lily's opinion, he didn't look nearly upset enough about the situation.

Lily may have urged Shelia to let the matter drop, but she would be nervous in her position as well. With her big, doe eyes, and the temperament of a viper, Diana Urquart had all the necessary skills to trick a boy into making a bad decision. Unless he wanted to incur Lily's wrath, Jerome would have to watch to make sure he didn't get caught in her trap.

The auction continued in much the same fashion, though now Shelia was openly moping. In an effort to cheer her up, Lily decided to craft a list of the most eligible boys for her new boyfriend search, a task that Shelia couldn't pretend to find uninteresting even if she _did_ refuse to smile.

The list they created was really, in Lily's opinion, a work of art.

_Lily Evans's Official Boyfriend List_

_Written on the bent back of Marlene McKinnon because she's a doll, and way too committed to the cause._

_To start, we can make this simpler by just eliminating four groups of people from the Hogwarts population:_

_Girls_

_First through fifth years (exceptions made if the fifth year is already sixteen)_

_Slytherins_

_Boys with girlfriends_

_(I recognize that there are some Slytherins that are a) gorgeous and b) not terrible blood supremacists – I'm looking at you Faraj Shafiq, yum! – but dating a Slytherin would mean having to spend time with other Slytherins. I was already born with a bullseye on my back, a bullseye I've widened over the years by being those idiots' superior in every way, so rubbing salt in the wound might not be the best idea if I want to make it through this year with my head on straight. Also, Severus. It's not worth the headache.)_

_Now, as the fine men of Hogwarts have been so kind as to literally parade themselves before me, I may now effectively vet their suitability as a boyfriend candidate. Sometimes the universe goes out of its way to help when they know it's for a good cause – aiding charity and, more importantly, finding a single girl a bloke._

_Option 1: Paul Wright – Hufflepuff, 7 th year_

_Pros: He's attractive and has nice shoulders, which seems to be a newfound appreciation of mine judging from recent events._

_Cons: He knows he's handsome, and it shows. Plus, he plays Beater on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team, and I'm just picturing trying to explain that one to my Dad. "Yes, beloved Father, your daughter is dating someone who proudly announces to everyone that will listen that he is a 'Beater.'" A delightful conversation that I will never be having. Ever._

_Final Consensus: A party snog, and nothing more._

_Option 2: Erik Carmichael – Gryffindor, 6 th year_

_Pros: We actually get along pretty well! He's a muggleborn, who won't say embarrassing things to my parents, or aggravate Petunia.. He's in Gryffindor, so I know that he's brave and shares similar values. Really, the Sorting Hat is such a blessing for helping a girl figure out, which blokes are worth her time. As far as I know, he's pretty smart, if maybe a little whiny about schoolwork._

_Cons: All his friends are girls, and I mean all of them. Does this indicate that he's a sensitive soul (a pro) or a cad in the making (a definite con)? Also, he maybe gets a bit braggy in front of other blokes…possibly why all his friends are girls as well. Most of my friends are girls, so that's not necessarily a deal breaker, but it does raise some concerns. Maybe a triple date with Shelia, Jerome, Ian, and Mary is in order so that we can judge first-hand how he reacts when faced with other, nice guys._

_Final Consensus: A solid option worth pursuing_

_Option 3: Ian Pratt – Ravenclaw, 6 th year_

_Pros: His teeth are sooo white. Like, blindingly whit. And they shine all the more in contrast to his dark skin, and just they're really, really white. He's a Prefect with a proven record of having respect for the rules, and he's pretty brilliant. We worked together really well in Astronomy in third year. Easiest final exam I've ever taken because we did some of the best studying together. And isn't teamwork one of the most important elements of a successful relationship?_

_Cons: Will I be envious of how white his teeth are compared to mine? Will I become envious of the fact that he is better at Arithmancy than I am, AND that he already has a job lined up at Gringotts after we finish school? Essentially, am I secure enough in my own skin to date such a successful, white-toothed fellow? Or will I dissolve into a competitive puddle? (Note: Are competitive snogs a thing, and would I find those enjoyable?)_

_Final Consensus: Maybe it's best to wait until I'm older and have proven myself one of the most successful witches in history before going for this one. A happy future awaits though!_

While Lily was painstakingly preparing her list, James had already come out on stage, and started his own little show for the audience. She would occasionally peek up at his performance while writing. His performance consisted of a lot of strutting, smarmy looks, and an obscene amount of Elvis-Presley-style hip-thrusting, which, against her own best judgment, she could admit was kind of funny.

"Hound Dog" unexpectedly came on during his performance, and the Head Boy's face lit up like Christmas morning at the coincidence. The thrusting only became more pronounced after that.

Lily refused to admit that she was curious as to when James Potter had developed a fondness for Elvis Presley. She personally wasn't much of a fan of his music, but she adored his movies, and her parents were practically obsessed with him. If Elvis was resurrected from his grave and showed up, fat and old, on her mother's doorstep, Lily was pretty sure that her father would be a jilted husband by the end of the day. He was the King for a reason.

All efforts to continue working on her list (she was considering adding Harper Dryer who technically had a girlfriend, but all the rumors pointed to an imminent breakup) were disrupted when Potter decided it was a good idea to rip his shirt off on stage. Even Lily couldn't pretend to ignore that one.

Alright, he didn't really rip his shirt off, so much as undo a couple of really essential buttons, threatening to edge it open like he might, but the effect was pretty much the same.

"For the love of Merlin, Potter, keep your shirt on!" Erin guffawed. "No one wants to see that! Alright, judging by audience reaction, many people do want to see that. But I am not one of them. Shirt on!"

Compliant, James rebuttoned one snap, only to be met with screams of disappointment. The prat's face was going to split if he smiled any wider.

The worst part was that Lily couldn't even judge him too harshly for his little show. Comparatively, James really wasn't being any more ridiculous than any of the boys before him had been. The difference was just that James happened to be better at preening than his peers. All of his years of obnoxious showboating and smarmy flirtations had been leading up to this moment. That, and the crowd was definitely more irritatingly excited by him than they had been by most of the boys so far.

The bidding process started off exactly as Lily had predicted, with lots of girls vying to win a lunch with Potter. But the number of interested parties was slowly dwindling down as it became clear which of the girls present were willing to spend a truly obscene amounts of money for the honor. Lily was pretty sure she'd punch a boy in the face if he ever tried to buy a lunch with her for twenty galleons. Paradoxically, the higher the price tag, the cheaper the thing became.

All of Potter's easy confidence was quickly dissipating as the field of bidders narrowed down to only two: Heather Yaxley and Dahlia Reynolds.

No bloke would be exactly thrilled if Heather Yaxley pursued them. There was no truly kind way to put it, so Lily would just have to be blunt within the safety of her own mind: Heather Yaxley was a bit of a cow. Overall, she had the features of a very plain, somewhat chubby girl, but then she had those ridiculously oversized front-teeth, and an awkward smile. The combination was not kind.

Potter, however, was practically begging for Yaxley to win the bid. He cheered every time she countered Dahlia's bid, and was shooting enough encouraging winks in the girl's direction to probably placate her for life.

After one such counter, James snatched Erin's wand right out of her hand in an attempt to declare the bidding over.

"Three, two, one! Congratulations, Yaxley!" He shouted out the countdown so fast his words blurred together. "You've won!"

"Give that back, you ingrate! Were you raised by animals? What kind of wizard takes a witch's wand? Merlin!" Erin Simmons growled, wrestling him successfully to get her wand back.

"And the bidding is not over because you are NOT the auctioneer! Do I hear twenty-five galleons?"

Shooting her dark looks that hinted he might make an attempt at rebellion again, James returned to the center of the stage, this time with far less enthusiasm for his role. All the while, he was casting frantic signals in Lily's general direction, begging for help. It took her a moment to realize that was because Remus was standing off a ways behind her, and that the pleading looks for rescue were being sent to his fellow Marauder and not Lily herself.

While Lily was not particularly forgiving of any of James's many faults, she actually felt rather sympathetic towards his desperation in this situation. Dahlia Reynolds had been pursuing James for weeks with a single-minded determination that could terrify anyone. The girl would not take a hint, obliviously pursuing a boy that had never even heard of the word "subtlety" before.

She didn't like to judge other girls over how they chose to handle their romantic entanglements, but Lily had long since abandoned her lack of judgment when it came to Dahlia. Honestly, it was girls like her that made the rest of their gender look bad. The nickname "Desperate Dahlia" was probably going to stick with her until she left school, and she would have no one to blame but herself. It was truly pathetic.

Aware of his friend's cries for help, Remus had apparently decided their best possible savior was Moira Dance. The fifth-year was apparently aware that she was not a particularly attractive girl and, having some pride, had decided not to bid on anyone at in the auction. Remus must have concluded that she was the one who could save James if she set her mind to it.

Unfortunately, for James and Remus both, she seemed adamant to do no such thing.

"I am not bidding thirty galleons on a bloke, who, mind you, wouldn't even want to date me in the first place," Moira argued in reply to Remus's pleas.

"How do you know James wouldn't want to date you?" Remus pressed, to which Moira just snorted. "Fine," the werewolf conceded. "But it would be a favor to a fellow Gryffindor! House pride! Go lions!"

"What would be a favor to all of Gryffindor would be forcing Potter to get this damn conversation with Dahlia over with, so that he can sit in the common room again. Honestly, it's absurd, and we're all tired of it. Seriously, Remus, she doesn't realize he's avoiding her. I can't keep listening to her prattle on about him anymore," Moira said in reply.

"James will reimburse you for whatever you bid. I promise. He can afford it," Remus tried again, but the note of dejection in his voice made it clear that he knew Moira was not going to budge.

"Sorry, I can't help you."

The look of sorrow that was exchanged between James and Remus from across the room was better suited to upon hearing that your spouse was dying, rather than that your mate would have to talk to a girl he chucked. But it didn't stop it from being any less heartbreakingly sad to witness.

Really, they were so dramatic.

At thirty-five galleons, which was truly an absurd amount for one boy, Heather Yaxley finally conceded defeat.

Erin Simmons voice boomed out, "Going once, going twice, sol –"

It really wasn't a conscience decision on Lily's part. There was no moment where she decided that she should save James Potter from the consequences of his own idiocy.

Yet, there she was with her wand shooting sparks up into the air.

And there was James Potter, looking at her with so much hope, disbelief, and joy that she couldn't even bring herself to regret it.

 

Score

Number of times Lily assumed the worst of James Potter: 1  
Number of times Lily lied: 2  
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 2

 

 


	13. Oct 9: Of Jokes, Corny and Horny

**October 9, 1977**

“So you never actually told her you weren’t going out anymore. You just…what stopped talking to her?”

“And I snogged Petra North who she hates, you know just to be extra thorough.”

“That’s absolutely pathetic.”

“I know. Trust me. I know.”

Sitting a respectful distance from one another, James had just finished explaining to Lily exactly how he had let his silent stand-off with their fellow Gryffindor Dahlia Reynolds escalate so far. It was a fairly beautiful day, so they sat by the lake, leaning against the tree at which they had snogged just two days prior.

Once Lily had decided – and decided was a pretty strong word for the actual process Lily’s thoughts had taken – to bid on James at the auction, it had been inevitable that she would win. After all, she had unlimited resources as she had every intention of making James pay for himself. He, god bless him, had looked pretty horrified when she informed him that he owed her forty-one galleons, but a quick look at Dahlia who had been approaching them had been enough to convince him that it was a worth-while investment and they had escaped together with a basket of food for their extremely expensive lunch.

“I’m kind of surprised you’re actually eating lunch with me,” James said. “I appreciate you bidding and everything. Really, I owe you, but I figured you’d just duck out at this point.”

“It’s my insatiable curiosity. I had to hear just what happened between you and Dahlia that could make you turn whiter than me at the sight of her,” Lily smirked, gesturing to her lily-white skin.

James hand closed around her arm and brought it up to his eyes as if to inspect it. “I say this with complete sincerity, no one in the history of the universe has had paler skin that you Evans. Ever.”

Lily just laughed, unable to argue with what was only a slight hyperbole. She was truly very pale.

James raised an eyebrow, “I’m surprised you didn’t try to kill me just now. I remember saying something pretty similar in fourth year, and you trying to shove your wand down my throat.”

“I was actually trying to poke you in the eye,” Lily corrected. “And well, I guess I just don’t care anymore. I went through a, gosh it’s so embarrassing, a stage where I wanted to be some kind of California girl, Hollywood type, so I thought having tan skin was just the epitome of beauty. Now, I’ve embraced that I’m an English rose. It’s for the best.”

“A lily not a rose, and you’re far too ginger to ever look classically English. Irish maybe. You’re not Irish, are you?” James asked curiously.

“On my mum’s side. By the way, there’s almond brownies in the basket,” Lily told him, remembering that it was his favorite desert from their Newlywed Game on Friday night.

“Evans, you remembered!” James said, smiling impishly and already reaching for the basket.

“I thought we had already established that I had all my memories from that night,” Lily said, taking a bite out of her pear.

She instantly regretted it. She didn’t know what she was trying to do bringing up the fact that they had snogged in this spot two days ago. For just a moment, James froze in his poking through the basket before he continued as if she hadn’t spoken. Really, they were having a surprisingly lovely time. Why did she have to go and make things so needlessly awkward?

“Have some brownie,” James ordered, shoving some of the sweet towards her.

“No thank you,” Lily said primly.

“Do you not eat nuts? I think there were some biscuits too,” James said, retracting the proffered brownie.

“No thank you,” Lily repeated.

“Well, why not? Don’t tell me you don’t like sweets,” James said as if the very thought was too terrible to be contemplated.

“Of course I like sweets. It’s just not Friday,” Lily said, hating how stupid the words sounded coming out of her mouth.

When James gaped at her as if she had just spoken in Mermish, she added, “I only eat chocolate on Fridays.”

This follow-up had not improved his understanding of the situation a bit judging by his horrified countenance. Lily hated explaining her eating habits to other people. It wasn’t like she had a disorder, she sustained the necessary nutrition for the average person. In fact, she probably consumed closer to the recommended vitamin levels than most people. She just wasn’t one to indulge.

The very word was dirty in the Evans household. Frankly, her mother would be appalled if she found out that Lily ate chocolate every Friday. Once a month or if it was offered at a party, but never once a week. That was over-indulgent by her family’s standards.

“Do you actually hate happiness, Evans?” James asked.

“No! I just don’t want to end up fat and lazy like most people,” Lily snapped.

The words felt ugly because she didn’t truly mean them. Marlene would probably cry if she ever found out Lily had said something so cutting about those who didn’t subscribe to the same strict eating-regimen.

She just loathed having to always justify why she was so strict with herself. Her whole life, everyone seemed to demand an explanation for just why exactly she didn’t allow herself the same little pleasures that everyone else took for granted. Lily knew people were only so persistent because they worried she was secretly judging them. Her very presence made people uncomfortable when they ate or overslept or procrastinated on their homework.

She couldn’t very well just explain to everyone else that she made the choices she did to feel powerful though. That whenever she let her standards flag for just a second she started to doubt whether she would ever amount to anything, a deep, sucking hole opening up in her stomach. Something told her they wouldn’t exactly understand the reasoning behind that one.

Unexpectedly, James didn’t react as if she was either deluded or bitchy. “I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but I am familiar with discipline. I get it.”

Lily found it highly improbable that his definition of discipline in any way resembled her own. In her life, she had never seen James truly work towards anything that he didn’t deem great fun. If he was enjoying himself, then sure, he could commit with a single-minded determination that she could admire. But true discipline came from forcing yourself to continue onwards even when the task at hand was unpleasant. Unless James had a secret double-life of academic rigor that Lily was unaware of, Lily was pretty certain James was still missing that portion of discipline.

She was too relieved that he was accepting her chocolate rule and not pushing it further, however, to bother informing him of his own shortcomings.

“So, prefect meeting Tuesday,” James said.

“Mmhmm.”

“Looking forward to it?”

Lily leaned backwards so that she was staring upwards at the sky and no longer at the lake. “Prefect meetings aren’t really the sort of things you look forward to, but sure.”

“Ahh, but this is your first meeting where you get to just sit back and watch a master at work. They’re going to be telling stories about this meeting for decades to come. They’ll say, ah yes October eleventh, 1975 was the day that James Potter, the greatest Quidditch captain in Hogwarts history also took up the mantle of greatest Head Boy in Hogwarts history. Really, how did that boy manage it all?” James said.

“If they still talk about this meeting decades from now, it’s going to be because you accidentally lit something on fire,” Lily snorted.

“Someone accidentally sets something on fire here every day. That would hardly be worth bringing up next week let alone decades from now,” James pointed out.

He leaned backwards as well so that they were both staring up at the sky together.

“You’re not going to try to pull a prank at tomorrow’s meeting, are you?” James asked suddenly after the silence had stretched on for a minute.

“Wasn’t planning on it. I’d like my life to not be in complete ruins once this month is over and everything goes back to normal,” Lily said.

“What does normal look like again? I’ve already forgotten,” James mused.

“That’s because you have the attention span of a hamster,” Lily replied without any real bite. “Normal looks like…well, classes and spending time with my friends and not talking to you every day. Not really talking to you ever, actually.”

“Oh, yeah. Normal’s nice!”

Lily jabbed him in the side with her elbow for his cheek, which he found awfully funny rather than the punishment it was intended as.

James patted awkwardly at his pockets, “Would you mind if I smoked?”

Before Lily could shrug her assent, James had already pulled out a pack – it was a wizarding brand with a dancing owl on the front – and lit up. Lily was secretly impressed that he had thought to ask, even if he hadn’t really waited to hear her answer.

“Shouldn’t you not smoke for your health?” Lily began, only to be cut off by a groan from James.

“And here comes the lecture,” James muttered.

His tone was not kind.

“I only meant, what with Quidditch, shouldn’t you want strong lungs? More and more these days, the experts all agree that tobacco will rot them away,” Lily said, hoping that she hadn’t turned bright red at the criticism.

“It’s not like I’m going to play in the league, so I really only need these to hold up till the end of term,” James banged on his ribs to indicate his lungs. “Besides, wizards live too long as it is.”

Lily could only mouth “wizards live too long” in her horror. Well, that was certainly a cavalier way to view your own death.

“What about girls?” Lily tried again, earning a lazily raised eyebrow from James. “No one’s going to want to snog you if your breath smells.”

James laughed a lot at that. Lily hardly thought the suggestion was so ridiculous as to warrant that kind of laughter, but he was practically doubled over with it.

“What? Like this?” James said and blew a large puff of smoke into Lily’s face.

Her mouth screwed up in disgust and she bat the air to shift the offending smoke away from her. James, inordinately pleased with her reaction, began to blow an array of smoke rings in her direction.

The truly unjust part of it all was that he actually looked very cool while doing it. Lily loathed how Potter always seemed to make misbehavior look good.

As the silence grew between them, Lily found that she wasn’t quite sure what there was to talk about with him. Their relationship through the years had consisted of hastily thrown barbs and the occasional group hang out when all the Gryffindor seventh years spent time together. She had never really been in a position where she had to make conversation with him before and was at a complete loss as to what to say.

In that moment, Lily was personally dying to discuss the auction. This day was going to provide Lily and her mates with _weeks_ of gossip as they analyzed the various pairings that had emerged. Lily was certain that James did not share her enthusiastic interest in Rebecca Selwyn’s dating life, however, so she felt it best to hold in the urge to gossip for now.

Something Potter would have interest in discussing…

“So, confident in Gryffindor’s chances against Hufflepuff?” Lily asked.

James looked at her askance. “As confident as I can be seeing as that match won’t be until mid-December. We play Slytherin next.”

“Right, and they’re good, yeah? You must be working the team pretty hard. Lots of practices to you know…master your bludgeoning and your…seeking,” Lily said with all the feigned enthusiasm she could muster.

“Don’t strain yourself there, Evans,” James laughed.

“I’m trying to find a topic for us to talk about. You know, common ground,” Lily huffed.

“And you thought Quidditch was the thing we shared?” James asked amused. “Everyone knows you hate sports, Evans. I think we can find something better to talk about.”

Lily doubted it.

Taking exception to his statement, Lily said crossly, “I don’t hate sports you know.”

“Oh, yeah? What’s your favorite part – the bludgeoning or the seeking?” James asked pointedly.

“There’s more than one sport in the world, Potter, and I happen to like several. Just none of them are Quidditch,” Lily said.

“Like what?” James challenged.

Really, this boy and his Quidditch.

“Like golf and tennis and diving,” Lily listed.

James blinked in consternation, “So you’re telling me, that it’s not sports in general that bother you but Quidditch specifically.”

“Pretty much,” she said.

Lily was rewarded by James’ eyeballs almost popping out of his head in his revulsion at her revelation. Over the years, so many people – mostly purebloods – had assumed that Lily must detest anything athletic because she didn’t worship at Quidditch’s alter like the rest of them. It was bloody annoying.

“How can you not like Quidditch?” James demanded.

As much as Lily loathed the sport, that’s how much she enjoyed explaining its many flaws to its worshippers.

Thrilled he asked, Lily explained, “The snitch is a terrible addition. Absolute rubbish. It would make way more sense to have a set time limit for how long a game lasts and then whoever has the most points at the end wins.”

“But that’d be boring!” James interjected. “There’s no strategy in that.”

“What and there’s strategy in the seeker finding the snitch in the first five minutes of the game? Have you ever considered how boring that is for the audience to have the game end so quickly? If I bought tickets to a match that lasted only ten minutes, I’d go punt the seeker. It’s rubbish! The other players don’t even matter unless it’s a particularly high scoring game. Otherwise, it’s just the seeker show with all the rest of you flying around as colorful backup,” Lily ranted.

“The snitch is rarely caught that early in the game,” James protested.

“But the seeker _does_ almost always decide the game. I think I’ve been to all of five matches where the seeker scored enough points to make a difference. Five! Out of at least thirty matches,” Lily wailed.

When James didn’t argue, Lily knew he’d recognized the flaw in his perfect game. That or he had realized there would be no arguing with her.

“The bludgors are disruptive and stupid. It’s almost impossible to see what’s actually happening on the field because all the players are just specks whipping by. Also, if the wizarding world is only going to have one sport, they should have one with more players per team. There’s what, about three-hundred students at this school and only twenty-eight of them get to play a sport? Everyone else just gets to sit around all day!” Lily was a tad bit out of breath by the time she finished.

“The seeker’s the most important player on the team, but that doesn’t devalue the contributions of the other players. The keepers are essential otherwise every game would have hundreds upon hundreds of points. The beaters are the backbone of the team and keep us safe, and people come to watch the chasers. The seekers are just the aces. Bludgors are not stupid. Some of the coolest maneuvers you’ll get to see are when chasers have to avoid an oncoming bludgor. They help keep the game interesting. If you grew up with Quidditch, you know how to watch the game and can track the players pretty easily. I’m sure you’ve heard Potts commentating before and you’ll notice that he manages to track every player just fine. And finally, most games actually have reserve players, so it’s closer to forty students that get to play,” James rattled off his counter-arguments without missing a beat.

Lily took that to mean he hadn’t actually seen the brilliance of her points and would remain blindly loyal to his silly little game.

“The snitch is still stupid.”

The garbled sound that James made in response was really very funny. He shouldn’t let himself get so worked up about these things.

“You’re impossible,” James said.

“I’m right,” Lily retorted.

“Tell me about this golf you like. What’s so great about it?” James ordered.

Lily happily explained the intricacies of the game. James listened to her explanation with a furrowed brow and his hands – the cig had long since been discarded – in his pockets.

“So, one player tries to hit a small ball into a small hole with a stick? And he does this repeatedly?” James clarified.

“Right.”

“And you have the nerve to complain about Quidditch? Evans, that’s the most boring sport I’ve ever heard of. I don’t even think it qualifies as a sport!” James practically exploded.

“No, it’s not! It takes great precision and skill!” Lily said.

Looking entirely too pleased with himself, James sat up so he could point an accusing finger down at her. “If the course is so large and the ball so small, how can the audience see what’s happening?”

Lily gaped open-mouthed as she processed just how similar his words were to her own complaint about Quidditch. Judging by his triumphant smirk, James knew just how thoroughly he had cornered her.

“Well, I supposed I’ve always watched on the telly,” she stuttered. “Actually going to a tournament would be a bit…”

“Boring?” James suggested.

Lily wanted to slap him.

“I hate Sundays,” James said suddenly, which was a good thing as Lily had no idea how to defend golf from his accurate criticisms and would probably have just sat there staring at him until the sun set.

“Better than Mondays,” Lily said a tad predictably.

“But that’s just the problem! I spend the whole day with the specter of Monday just looming over my shoulder. It’s all I can think about,” James grumbled.

“Monday’s actually a pretty easy class load for me,” Lily said. “I’ve got nothing after lunch.”

“Same here.”

“I know. We have the same schedule on Mondays. Just Defense and Potions,” Lily said.

“What I love are Tuesdays,” James said.

“How can you like Tuesdays?” Lily asked affronted. “They’re the devil’s day.”

“I don’t know about all that, but I only have Transfiguration, so I reckon they’re pretty good,” James shrugged.

“How do you only have Transfiguration? I also have Herbology, Runes, and Divination?” Lily said.

“By not taking Herbology, Runes, or Divination I imagine,” James said, grinning at Lily’s obvious jealousy.

“Slacker,” she muttered crossly.

“Swot,” he shot right back.

That shut her up because he was right. She was the girl who had decided to take eight NEWT-level courses. That her schedule was sometimes unmanageable as a result was her own fault. She didn’t even enjoy Herbology, but she had thought it would help augment her Potion’s knowledge, so she had decided to continue with it anyway.

“Runes is alright, I suppose. If you want to work in magical theory or do research, it’s pretty essential, but I’ve always figured that if I was going to learn a language, I’d rather learn sign language. You know, because it’s so handy,” James said.

Oh brother. This beauty of a joke was delivered with wiggling fingers and a gotcha smile. A reluctant chuckle escaped her throat. James just tipped his head back and laughed deeply at his own terrible joke. Lily had never seen someone so unabashedly laugh at their own joke before. Okay that wasn’t quite true. On the occasion where Mary delivered a real joke, she all but laughed herself out of her chair, but those were usually works of art and actually funny, not a terrible pun.

“In all seriousness though, I would have liked to keep on with Divination, but I failed my OWL. The class was fun, but I just don’t have the sight. I reckon there’s no point bothering without it,” James said.

Lily gasped, “Oh no! That’s not true at all. Of course those gifted with the sight will have more accurate predictions, but anyone can study up enough to manage the little things.”

“Alright then, show me,” James ordered.

“What?”

“You’ve been studying going on four years now. Foretell something,” James said as if it were the easiest thing in the world.

Lily was rather flustered by his challenge. Having no particular affinity for the sight, Lily was rather limited to making interpretations of tea leaves and other omens. Thus far, nothing she’d ever predicted had come true. Her confidence that anyone could master the basics of Divination was born more out of her trust in what the books said than any real success on her part.

“Err…give me your palm,” Lily directed.

Palm-reading was a matter of accurately interpreting what you saw and required less magical aptitude than, say, reading a crystal ball. Those with the sight tended to have a stronger instinctive knowledge of what the various lines indicated, but anyone could do it.

James had surprisingly feminine hands. She would have expected his hands to be meatier somehow with ugly sausage fingers rather than the relatively small hand she studied now. She supposed she had always associated elegant hands with thin, wiry boys.

To Lily’s embarrassment, she couldn’t make out anything significant from the palm before her. She knew that breaks in the life lines indicated a trauma, but James’ was unbroken, and she knew to look for x’s as those revealed a personal betrayal, but James must have been leading a charmed life because those were absent as well.

Lily sighed deeply.

“That bad, huh?” James asked.

She looked down at his prone form. He was utterly relaxed, content to let her manipulate his hand about while he stared up at the clouds. Even though Lily felt annoyed with her own inadequacy, something about how peaceful James appeared allowed her to relax and let it go. So, instead of dropping his hand in frustration like she might have done, she decided to play along instead.

“Worse. It says here that you’re going to live to be 173, but you’ll never marry because one of your friends will chase all your options away. I can only assume that must be Sirius. You’ll live out those long, lonely years with nothing but your owls – you’ll have nine, no ten – for company, before ultimately dying of lung cancer,” Lily told him seriously.

“You got all that just from looking at my palm?” James asked.

Lily nodded. “Clear as day. Oh, it also seems your eyesight is going to deteriorate to the point of blindness by the time you’re forty.”

“Now that’s probably accurate,” James chuckled.

“Just how bad is your eyesight?” Lily asked, having always been curious.

There were a lot of things that Lily thought James did just to look cool. She had always assumed his eyesight must be atrocious if he chose to continue wearing his glasses rather than opting against them for aesthetic reasons. Lily supposed they didn’t really detract from his looks now, but fourth year James had looked like a prat and would probably have happily thrown them away if they weren’t essential to his survival.

“See for yourself,” James said, sitting up so he could pass his specs to her.

Lily had to hold the glasses up otherwise they slid down her nose as James’ face was considerably larger than her own. Once they were secured in place, Lily glanced around at her altered surroundings and promptly let out a scream.

“Oh my god, James! That’s awful!”

“Did you just use my first name?” James asked.

“Yes because I’m filled with pity for you. Forget going blind by the time you’re forty. You won’t make it to twenty-one,” Lily cried.

She had tried on other people’s specs before, partially out of curiosity and partially because it was an excellent way to flirt with someone. (Not that Lily was flirting with James here. No, nothing of the sort.) Anyways, in these past forays into spectacle thievery, Lily had always marveled at how the world looked a bit blurrier and then moved on.

Looking through James’ glasses was like peering through a grimy window during an eclipse with a blind-fold over your eyes. She couldn’t make out a thing.

James was not nearly concerned enough regarding his impending blindness and just took his glasses back with a blithe “Cheers, Evans.” How had the magical world yet to find a remedy for this? Why were there no potions that temporarily cured poor sight or charms to strengthen your vision? She wondered whether there were Mungo’s researchers who dedicated their lives to solving this very problem.

“Did you hear the one about the blind man who walked into the bar?” James asked. When Lily shook her head, he continued, “Then he walked into the table and a chair.”

Incredulity was not Lily’s most attractive look, but she couldn’t help but gape wordlessly at him.

“You get it? Because he’s blind so he walked _into_ the bar,” James said.

“Oh, I got it. I just don’t understand why you said it in the first place,” Lily said. “Potter, that’s really bad.”

He grinned widely as if she had just delivered him a wonderful compliment.

“My turn to read yours, yeah,” James said.

Lily obediently flipped over her hand. It was strange waiting for him to finish inspecting her palm. His head was bent close to her body and she had excellent view of the back of his head – his hair was growing back quite well and he’d probably have enough to start tousling it about again by the end of the week. Life was so unfair.

“This line here, your life line –”

“That’s my heart line, Potter.”

“Right, your heart line shows you’re going to die young,” James said. His fingertip tracing her skin tickled.

“Yes because of all those crazy risks I take. Makes sense,” Lily said, rolling her eyes.

“I’m just telling you what your palm says,” James chided. “Anyways, it looks like you’re also going to get married young and have a kid pretty young too.”

The suggestion that Lily would do anything of the sort was too much for her, and she found herself laughing so hard her hand shook. Really, the idea that Lily would approach marriage with anything but circumspection was absurd, and she most certainly would not be having any children before she was the respectable age of twenty-five. She wasn’t the sort to get married straight out of school.

“I think you’re more shite at this than I am,” Lily said.

“Probably,” James agreed easily. “Hey, you wanna hear a joke?”

“What is it with you and the jokes?” Lily laughed.

James rolled over and fixed her with a very serious look, “I’m practicing to prepare for my career as a politician.”

“A politician?”

“Yep, they’re all a bunch of comedians aren’t they? Before every speech, I’ll get up and hit the crowd with a little zinger. It’ll be my shtick. They’ll love me,” James said.

“You’re going to get yourself elected with the one about the blind man who walked into a bar?” Lily said with a tone that made it clear she did not think he would find success with this particular strategy.

“Godric, no! I’ve got to save that one up for something good. I don’t want to overwhelm them with my genius,” James said.

“You don’t really want to be a politician do you?” Lily asked hesitantly, cautious to offend.

“Evans, in all seriousness, if you ever see me trying to run for political office, you have my permission to kill me. There is not a job in the world that I would want less. I would rather be the bloke who shovels dragon dung than work in government,” James said.

Lily was rather relieved. If James became the Minister of Magic, she would be forced to escape to Ireland. As James had already pointed out, with her hair they would be quick to welcome her as one of their own. She’d have to work out the accent though, and she had never had any particular talent for impressions. Hmm…

“So, do you want to hear my joke?” James said again.

“Hit me,” Lily sighed.

“Why was six afraid of seven?” James asked.

“Oh, I know this one!” Lily exclaimed. “Because seven ate nine.”

James looked astonished at first before his mouth dipped down into a frown. Lily wondered if it was bad manners to answer a joke and if she should have just let him tell the punch line. He seemed to be murmuring the answer to himself.

After a moment, he seemed to get over whatever was bothering him as he began to laugh. Loudly. His hand slapped against his knee as he chortled to himself over his own joke.

“Because ‘seven ate nine!’ That’s bloody brilliant. That’s so much better than what I was going to say,” James chuckled.

“Wait, you had a different punch line?” Lily asked.

“Yeah.”

“Well, out with it,” Lily ordered.

James shook his head, “Well now I don’t want to tell you. Yours was way better. By the way, I’m going to use that with my mates if you don’t mind. Take complete credit.”

“Go wild with it, but tell me yours first,” Lily said, finding herself eager to know now that he was withholding his answer.

Deadpan and with a terrible Scottish accent – it seemed Lily was not the only one who lacked a talent for impressions – James said, “Because seven was a six-offender.”

Now it was Lily’s turn to start hooting away as if a terrible number joke was the funniest thing she had ever heard. She just couldn’t help herself. All of it together – the delivery, the build-up, the fact that he had volunteered to tell this awful joke in the first place – combined to be too much for her. She bent over doubled as the giggles consumed her. Her laughter must have been infectious because soon he was joining her, and they were laughing away as if they had just reached the pinnacle of comedy.

“Tell me another one,” Lily begged.

“Can’t,” James said, shaking his head.

“Oh, don’t you know anymore?” Lily said disappointed.

“Evans, I’ve got _dozens_ where that came from,” James said.

“Well, then, tell me.”

James remained adamant in his refusal. “I can’t just go around throwing away all my best material in one day! What would that leave me with? Nope. Three jokes in one lunch is all you get.”

“They weren’t that funny any way,” Lily sniffed.

“Oh, no, none of that. I’ve found you out now. You, Lily Evans, are my perfect comedic match. You are a lover of bad puns and cheesy jokes, and now there’s no hiding it,” James said cheerfully.

Lily should probably have been more offended at being told she had the same sense of humor as James Potter, a boy who had fallen out of his chair laughing when Elise Biggins snorted milk out of her nose.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll tell you a joke a day from now on. Give you something to wake up for in the morning,” James offered.

“Deal,” Lily agreed, shaking his hand.

She actually rather did enjoy a silly joke. She liked how innocent and ridiculous they were. Her Great Aunt Tilda had always had a witty little pun when she came over for Easter dinner, and a young Lily had thought that the absolute height of humor. The disdain and groans of the rest of her family had taught her that other people did not see the beauty in a little word play, so she tended to keep her jokes to herself, but they still made her smile.

“I’ve got Quidditch practice and a Potions essay to finish, so we should probably clean up,” James said.

“And you’re going to put in all the necessary work to earn a great grade on your assignment?” Lily wheedled, gathering up the remaining food and returning it to the basket.

James rolled his eyes. “I already told you I was going to take my part seriously from now on. Who do you want to win this thing anyways?”

“There’s no fun in winning if your opponent isn’t committed,” Lily said, suddenly aware that they had gone the entire lunch without referencing their bet once.

“In my experience, winning is fun regardless,” James disagreed.

They stood up and started walking back to the castle. When they reached the entrance, Lily remembered that James had said he was ending their lunch for Quidditch practice.

“Wait,” she said, reaching out a hand to stop him. “Are you walking me back to Gryffindor tower?”

“No, I left some things up there I need,” James said, but his ears blushed red and Lily didn’t believe him.

Made uncomfortable by Lily’s admittedly indiscrete stare of assessment, James hurried ahead. Lily found herself smiling at his back. James Potter was walking her back to Gryffindor tower to be _nice._

Lily wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about this new development, but, physically, she felt warmer somehow. Their walk back was completely silent as Lily spent her time wondering about how strange the changes in their relationship were and James was pretending he wasn’t walking Lily back just to be gentlemanly.

Lily glanced at her watch when she got back to her dorm and groaned. It was already four past. What she had intended to be a quick lunch study-break had spiraled into an event that had sucked up most of her day. In the library, her mountain of homework still waited for her, and she had hoped to map out a schedule of all the pranks she intended to pull that week. Being relieved of her head girl duties hadn’t done much to lessen her work load as (and it greatly pained her to admit this) plotting ten pranks a week was more time consuming.

“How was lunch?” Shelia asked from where she was lounging on her bed, painting her nails with Mary beside her.

Lily wasn’t surprised Mary had finished up with Ian already. She was never desperate to spend more time with her boyfriend.

“Alright,” Lily said casually.

It felt like a lie.

“Guess where Marlene is right now,” Shelia ordered.

Lily wracked her brain for which boys would have been auctioned off after Lily had left with James. There hadn’t been many left, especially not of the caliber that Marlene would have found comfortable. Unless…

“You don’t mean she actually went and bid on Black?” Lily squealed.

“Scooped him up for fifty fucking galleons,” Shelia said, delighted by Lily’s reaction.

Mary looked cross about the entire situation.

That Marlene was sequestered somewhere with Sirius Black went a long way towards explaining why Shelia hadn’t force fed Lily veritaserum and demanded every detail of her lunch with James yet. Their lunch was juicy, but Marlene finding the nerve to bid on Sirius was a huge development.

“She just bid on him? Just like that?” Lily asked amazed.

“Obviously, I had been telling her to, but I never thought for a second she would listen. Tracey Parker was furious!” Shelia said.

“Tracey Parker? Was Black angry?” Lily asked.

Tracey Parker was gorgeous, and Lily imagined Sirius would have been all too happy to eat lunch with her.

“What do you mean by that?” Mary demanded, quick to defend her friend.

Shelia waved her hand as if to brush aside their questions. “It’s Sirius. He doesn’t waste his breath worrying over who’s his girl of the week.”

“Marlene is _not_ his girl of the week,” Mary all but growled.

“Anyways, I’m very proud of her. Almost as proud as I am of you for finally making a go for James. It’s really so overdue,” Shelia said.

Lily hoped she wasn’t blushing as she joined them on the bed and selected a color. She decided to go for a ruddy maroon. Lily was of the opinion that the only appropriate shades of nail polish were reds and pinks. Anything else was just tacky unless it was a holiday. She did not say this to Mary who was in the process of painting her nails yellow.

“I only helped Potter out a bit. Please don’t try to spin this into something it’s not,” Lily said.

“I’m just pointing out that you were the only one who thought to save him from Dahlia’s clutches, and you just spent over an hour with him eating lunch,” Shelia said.

“Not to mention the whole snogging thing,” Mary added.

“I’m just a nice, helpful person,” Lily said.

Shelia and Mary exchanged a look at that, which was a mite bit rude in Lily’s opinion. It wasn’t a lie. Lily went out of her way to help people out all the time. It was part of why they’d made her Head Girl. She was nice.

“Too bad Rin missed the auction or you could have saved all that niceness for someone else,” Mary said with that special brand of blandness that she had mastered long ago.

Her comment was a kick to the stomach for Lily.

Rin. Would they believe her if Lily said she had forgotten all about the girl James was currently dating? The same girl who was cute and cool and did not think the snitch ruined Quidditch. _Rin_.

While Lily was an Olympic-medal winning liar, even she wasn’t talented enough to pretend the way her gut was twisting and her mind was racing at the realization James might have a girlfriend was the reaction of a girl with a crush, not that of a neutral bystander. This thought, however, was completely absurd. You couldn’t just go from loathing someone to fancying them in a week. It just wasn’t possible. Maybe she was just feeling possessive because of the snogging? No one wanted a bloke they snogged two days before to up and get himself a girlfriend, even if it was a onetime kind of snog. It was bad for the ego.

Lily was saved from further introspection by the arrival of Alice and Marlene. It was entirely a coincidence that the two roommates had decided to head upstairs at the same time as they still clearly weren’t talking.

As had become the norm, Lily averted her eyes. It was easier for her to continue ignoring Alice if she didn’t have to look at her. Shelia and Mary were far more aggressive in their approach. They wouldn’t pretend Alice wasn’t there but would rather look straight at her and then move on as if they couldn’t be bothered to waste their time on her.

“How was lunch?” Shelia asked Marlene.

Never had the word lunch sounded so loaded.

“Wonderful!” Marlene said, breezing past Alice who was quick to disappear behind her bed curtains.

“Wonderful, huh?” Lily teased, smiling at how serene Marlene looked.

“I know exactly what I’m going to write in my article now. I had a great time,” Marlene said.

“You know we need details,” Shelia said.

Marlene hopped up on her own bed. “Not much to tell. We talked about classes and music. We ate. At the end he asked me to put his penis in my mouth, which I thought was a bit gross, but after I tried it, I have to say it really wasn’t so bad.”

There was a beat of silence before all hell broke loose.

“He did what?” Mary screamed.

“He had me…you know in a broom cupboard,” Marlene said, jerking her had as if that made sense as a substitute for actually describing the act.

“I’m going to kill him!” Mary roared, leaping off the bed and heading for the door.

“I’ll help,” Lily agreed, following her.

The idea that Sirius would have gotten their Marlene on her knees in a broom cupboard of all places was offensive on every level. Marlene deserved flowers and romance and forevers. For god’s sake, the girl couldn’t even say the word cock. She had no business sucking on one, and Sirius should have known that.

Mary practically flew down the stairs to the common room where Sirius was sitting with the other Marauders sans James. Dogging their steps, Marlene was yelling after them to stop.

Now, Lily had no idea what exactly she was going to say to Sirius when she reached him. She was operating without a plan. With complete certainty, Lily could have guaranteed she would not have done what Mary did, which was walk right up and punch Sirius Black in the face.

It was a pretty good punch too. Taken completely by surprise, because really who would have seen that one coming, Sirius reeled back in his seat. Streaks of yellow nail polish decorated his cheek as Mary’s nails hadn’t finished drying yet. Peter and Remus jumped to their feet, quick to defend their friend and then at a loss once they saw who the assailant was.

“Bloody hell, MacDonald,” Sirius yelled, grabbing the attention of anyone in the common room who had somehow missed the punch. “What was that?”

“You are disgusting and you need to stay the hell away from her,” Mary was practically spitting.

“Mary it was a joke! We didn’t actually…We just thought it would be funny!” Marlene wailed.

That caused Mary to pause and look at Marlene who appeared to be on the verge of tears. Lily felt both relief and horror as she processed Marlene’s words.

“Yeah, it was a joke,” Sirius snarled. “Marlene thought your reaction would be funny. Guess she underestimated what a crazy bitch you are!”

Seeing as Mary had just assaulted him for no good reason, Lily couldn’t even find it in herself to be offended at his language. Sirius stood up and shoved past Mary to head upstairs to the boys dormitories. Lily could see he was gently prodding the spot on his cheek where Mary had punched him. Considering Sirius had already been in one fight this weekend, she felt rather bad that he would be sporting yet another bruise tomorrow.

Marlene ran upstairs as well with Mary chasing after her this time. Everyone was whispering about what they had just witnessed. It would be all over the school tomorrow.

“Lily, what was that?” Remus asked stunned.

‘Oh, you know, we thought Sirius convinced Marlene to give him head in a broom cupboard and went a tad mad about it’ did not seem like a particularly sane sounding answer. It was also not something the whole common room needed to be privy to.

Rather than answer, Lily just spun around and sprinted back upstairs. Sirius could fill in his mates on the details himself.

The scene that met her back in their dormitory was not pretty. Marlene was crying loudly, while Mary looked on helplessly. Shelia was doing her best to comfort their distraught friend, but Marlene kept pushing her hands away. From a gap in the bed curtains, Alice was peeking out to observe what all the fuss was about.

“What is wrong with you?” Marlene sobbed.

“I was trying to protect you,” Mary said weakly.

“Protect me? Protect me from what?” Marlene screamed.

Lily winced at the high-pitched sound. If anyone bothered to eavesdrop from outside the door, they were sure to get a lot of insight into the drama about to unfold.

“I didn’t know it was just a joke,” Mary said.

“It shouldn’t make a difference whether it was a joke or not! Don’t you get it?” Marlene screamed. She was quickly transforming from miserable to angry. “If Lily had come back from lunch saying she shagged James, you would have made a joke about how it’s about time, not tried to beat him up.”

“That’s different. Black’s a dog,” Mary tried, but Marlene was having none of it.

“If it were Lily and Sirius, you would have just said it was gross and moved on. Shelia gets to shag a new guy every month, we all know just what Alice got up to with Rory, and Lily gets to drunkenly snog James and no one blinks an eye. That’s just funny! Heaven forbid I’m the one that’s having fun though. Then, suddenly, it’s different!” Marlene said.

“It’s just…” Mary trailed off.

“It’s just that you all see me as a baby. Silly little Marlene needs to be protected. I’m seventeen, same as all of you. Just because I’m not as smart or as pretty doesn’t mean you get to treat me like a joke. I can do whatever I want with whoever I want in any broom cupboard I choose,” Marlene ranted.

“Mary takes you seriously, Marlene,” Lily said, unwisely choosing to enter the conversation.

Marlene rounded on her. There were tracks of mascara staining her cheeks and her lower lip was trembling but, somehow, she had never looked more formidable.

“Don’t you start!” Marlene snapped. “You’re just as bad as she is. Just because you wouldn’t have gone about it as violently, doesn’t change the fact that you went down there too. Tell me, Lily, why I have to be coddled, while the rest of you do whatever you please?”

Lily felt cold all over. Marlene was twisting everything into something ugly. They took her seriously, but she didn’t understand how some boys could be. She read romance novels where the more distant and cruel the man is at the beginning, the more he’d love you by the end. She believed in saving a man through the power of love! And, alright, maybe it did sound a bit patronizing to say Marlene needed to be protected, but it came from a place of love not malice.

“I’m sorry,” Lily said.

More fat teardrops spilled out of Marlene’s eyes.

“I _like_ him,” she whispered brokenly. “You knew I liked him, and now I’m humiliated.”

There was nothing suitable to say to that. Lily would have never left her room again if she was put in Marlene’s situation. It was humiliating. Lily doubted Sirius had ever considered dating Marlene, but he certainly wouldn’t be interested in a girl who wasn’t sexually available. Mary and Lily had clearly demonstrated that Marlene wasn’t going to fulfill that need for him and now he would never look twice at her.

They had infantilized her because truthfully they didn’t really see Marlene as their equal. Lily loved Marlene deeply and easily, but she didn’t see her as a sexual person. It was easy to accept that Shelia sometimes felt randy or that Mary might be getting up to all kinds of slaggy behavior with her boyfriend behind closed doors, but Marlene they saw as a child amongst them.

As terrible as Lily felt, she couldn’t begin to imagine how devastated Mary must be. Marlene climbed into bed, still sniffing away to herself and jerked the bed curtains closed to indicate that their conversation was over and to leave her alone. Mary was left staring blankly at where her friend had disappeared. She wasn’t crying but rather seemed completely drained of all emotion.

Lily wasn’t sure how best to approach her. Based on seven years of living together, she was rather certain that Mary would not appreciate being coddled in that moment, but she also couldn’t just leave her standing there.

“I think you’re right about needing to brush up on our Defense. Ames clearly isn’t going to prepare us for NEWTs, and I’d rather like to get an O. Join me in the library? You can show me the essay you’ve been working on,” Lily said as casually as she possibly could given the circumstance.

She wasn’t fooling anyone with her performance, but Mary seemed to appreciate the distraction, nodding her assent and gathering her books. Lily and Shelia exchanged a wordless conversation through lots of head nodding to confirm that Shelia would stay in the room in case Marlene decided she wanted to talk. Shelia was the only one of them that had come out unscathed in Marlene’s opinion, so she would have to be the one to provide any comforting.

 

In many ways, her fight with Marlene was the reason Lily ultimately decided to meet Severus down at the Greenhouses as asked. She figured her day had already been ruined – believe it or not but working on extra assignments with a distraught Mary had not made for an enjoyable evening – and Sev couldn’t make it any worse.

When Lily slipped into Greenhouse two at the set time, she was surprised to find that she was feeling rather scared about their meeting. Lily had never been scared of Sev before. Her friends and nosy onlookers had always tried to warn Lily that she should be afraid of her friend because of his predisposition towards dark magic and the dangerous company he kept. They had never understood how Lily could so cavalierly disregard their warnings, but they didn’t know Severus. The idea that he might ever hurt her physically was utterly laughable. Even after almost eighteen months of fighting and all of the bad blood that had brewed between them, Lily still was more confident of the fact that Severus Snape would never harm her than she was of anything else in the world.

Her fear was coming from the reality that she was finally opening herself up to the big confrontation. There were a lot of things they needed to discuss, dating back to this summer and further back to their fighting from fifth year, and she had done everything in her power to avoid that since the start of term. Now, she was opening herself up to the fight that was bound to include a lot of yelling and tears, and she was terrified.

If Lily were to ever really fear Sev, she would most certainly not agree to meet him at the greenhouses after dark. They were frankly a little on the terrifying side. The building relied on natural sunlight filtering in through the glass for light, so there was no way to see in the dark and if you wanted to meet there covertly, you couldn’t create much more light than a small lumos because it would be visible from the castle. The dark was not scary in and of itself, but the shadows cast by the multitude of plants took on intimidating shapes that set Lily on edge. That many of these plants could actually poison or kill her if she knocked into one accidentally only increased her trepidation.

When Sev stepped out from behind a rather large bush that had been concealing his presence, Lily couldn’t help but shriek. His shadow cast over her figure and she felt as if it might consume her where she stood.

The cold drawl of “It’s just me” from Severus was enough to anchor her back to reality. Shadows couldn’t hurt your or devour your soul. There was nothing to fear. It was just Sev.

“You wanted to talk,” Lily said a little breathlessly.

It took Severus a minute to collect this thoughts. He must have assumed she wouldn’t show, which was a pretty fair assumption. This morning’s missive was not his first attempt at convincing her to meet him privately, and she had pointedly ignored each of his attempts up until now.

“What are you doing with Potter?” Severus asked coldly.

There were a lot of terrible directions this conversation needed to go. Over the years, they had developed a mountainous pile of dirty laundry between them, and some of it needed to be aired out. So the fact that Severus decided to lead with his insecurities about James made her want to claw his eyes out.

Just how many times had they had this exact conversation. Back in fifth year when Potter fancied her, Sev had been nearly obsessive in his need to confirm that, yes, Lily _still_ loathed him and would not be falling prey to his advances any time soon. It had been endlessly irritating. Lily did not like to have to defend herself, especially against the imaginary.

Things were a little different now. She had snogged James just the other night. She had allowed James to insinuate that there was something more serious developing between them in order to brass off Severus yesterday. For the first time ever, Severus’s paranoia about Lily and James was actually somewhat valid. It was also, in Lily’s opinion, entirely irrelevant.

There were a thousand things wrong with her relationship with Severus, and James did not enter into that equation.

“That’s really what you want to talk about?” Lily demanded. “Seriously?”

Severus looked a bit abashed but stood his ground. “He’s a bad idea, Lily. You used to know that.”

Used to? Lily still knew that.

She knew that she should probably try to alleviate some of Sev’s concerns. While it had been fine to rile him up a bit yesterday after that ridiculous stunt with Dumbledore, she didn’t actually want him to think she was dating James. Her life was not lacking in drama at the moment, and she didn’t need Sev’s misconceptions adding to it.

Adamantly protesting that she did not fancy Potter had never done much to convince Severus in the past, however, so she didn’t think it was worth bothering. More importantly, Lily did not want Severus thinking she valued his opinion regarding her dating life. He had abdicated any right to pretend to care about her wellbeing when he joined up with his stupid little friends. Besides, he could hardly claim to be a neutral party when it came to Lily and romance. He had a pretty biased point of view.

“If all you wanted to talk about was Potter, I’m leaving,” Lily told him coldly.

“Wait, I just…I just miss you,” Sev said quietly, and Lily’s heart broke into a million pieces.

Severus was not one to be forthcoming with his feelings. She knew how much it must have cost him to admit such vulnerability, even to her. The desperation in his voice was quiet, but he might as well have screamed his feelings in her face given how much it affected Lily. She felt like a stampede of hippogriffs was making its way across her chest, pulverizing her already fragile heart.

He _missed_ her.

Gone was the anger and the recriminations, just the barebones truth. Lily allowed herself to reflect for perhaps the first time in months just how much she missed him as well. The force of it felt like it was killing her.

“I miss you too.”

She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen Sev look so hopeful, face lit up and open.

Tonight was a night for honesty, so Lily continued, “I miss you, but I don’t know how to be your friend anymore.”

“I don’t want to be your friend,” Severus said instantly.

“I’m not offering anything more than friendship,” Lily said tiredly.

“But this summer, we were…you and I…”

The summer had not been kind to Lily. Her relationship with her parents was fine, normal, but discovering she was a witch had added a strange layer to it that made her uncomfortable. Their lives were so tedious, and they took great pleasure in their daughter’s magical abilities as if it somehow lent excitement to their own lives.

The problem with this was that after a while, they would get tired of scheduling their lives around fawning after her. Slowly, they’d slip back into their daily routines – routines that no longer involved having a second daughter. She was an intrigue first and their daughter second.

When this happened in late July, Lily was largely left to her own devices. Her relationship with Petunia was slowly disintegrating. Her sister, a once counted upon source of entertainment, would only spare the time for her sister about once or twice a week. Every other day, Lily was left alone and bittered.

She would take walks through town, studying the buildings of Cokeworth as if they were fine architecture instead of drab, old brickstones. By the middle of August, she must have read and reread all of her textbooks at least once, and she now possessed an unhealthy knowledge of the happenings of Coronation Street after all but wasting away in front of the telly.

If there had ever been a time that Lily was vulnerable, it had been that summer. She had just wanted to feel needed, loved, and there was one person who always gave her that kind of attention.

It had started small at first, her lingering near Spinner’s End, haunting the places where she might “accidentally” run into him. Then, she’d grown bolder and started actively waiting for him on his street.

Everything she’d wanted, he’d given her. From the first moment he noticed her there, his transparent face revealed the depths of just how much he loved her. All that she had ever wanted.

He hadn’t wanted to be just her friend then either, and while Lily may not have felt strongly that they would make a good match, she would have done nearly anything to keep him looking at her with all that adoration. So, she hadn’t insisted that they were only friends, and things had progressed the way young loves were meant to.

It was easy to date him. Her feelings were so intense – years of intimacy combined with the deep-seated need to see him happy that she’d never managed to erase – that she couldn’t even be sure that she didn’t love him. Maybe she did. What she felt wasn’t anything like what they wrote about in songs, but Lily was hardly the expert. Maybe this was it.

Summers have to end though, and all of their issues from before were still there. Counting the days until they returned to Hogwarts, Lily kept hoping for some sign that he had changed, that he was willing to renounce his awful friends and come back to her. As humiliating as it would have been to have everyone whispering about them afterwards, Lily would have agreed to be his girl if he could only have done that.

Severus may have loved Lily, but he didn’t need her. Her own situation was the complete opposite. She could never shake off the feeling that she needed him in her life, that she was never entirely whole without him, but she couldn’t make herself love him. Never had she hated herself more than coming to terms with how pathetic she truly was that summer.

In all, they had shared less than three, emotionally-intense weeks together. When it became clear that Severus was planning to keep up with his bigoted mates and still somehow date her, she had cut her losses and run. It was easier to do so with the summer ending and the knowledge that all of her friends were waiting for her back at Hogwarts.

Back at Hogwarts, Sev had been persistent in trying to get her attention. She had never really broken up with him. Verbal confrontations were her life’s blood when they didn’t matter, but something real and horrible like this had her afraid to confront him. So, she’d just kind of dropped him without a word and moved on. This was the first time they’d talked about it since.

 “I don’t trust you,” Lily said sadly. “I can’t trust you. What you want out of life is my nightmare, and I know that you think that you’ll keep me safe and everything will work out for us, but…I don’t just care about me. I care about Marlene and my family and all of these people that you think are worthless.”

“You think my friends are worthless,” Severus said.

“Because of what they do not what they are,” Lily said. “The fact that you can’t tell the difference between us says it all!”

Lily could feel tears gathering in her eyes and hastily tried to blink them back. She didn’t want to end up crying hysterically. She needed to be able to leave quickly if the need presented itself. She had to be strong.

“Friends,” Severus said hastily, perhaps sensing that Lily was getting close to walking out the door. “Can we try to be friends again? Please.”

Lily didn’t answer. Change couldn’t spring up out of nothing. If he didn’t like their current situation, he had only to alter his own behavior.

“I really did think he was hurting you,” Severus said quietly. When Lily looked confused, he elaborated, “Potter, I mean. I thought he was hurting you yesterday.”

For the second time in as many minutes, Lily’s heart splintered into pieces. With everyone else’s bad opinion of Sev being constantly whispered in her ear, it was easy to think he really was all around rotten. This here was what she adored about him. He wasn’t the big bad wolf. He was just a boy, a boy who cared a lot about her. Enough so that he’d get in a fist-fight to defend her even though he knew he’d lose.

“I know,” Lily answered back brokenly.

Making good choices was apparently no longer Lily’s forte. Despite all of her reservations and common sense, she couldn’t bring herself to reject her old friend. Not again.

So when Lily left the greenhouses that night, she was one friend wealthier.

None of the girls were awake or at least interacting with each other when Lily made her way back to the dormitory. She was relieved. Explaining just how she had come to refriend Sev was going to be unpleasant. If she was looking on the bright side of things, at least she wouldn’t have to defend herself to Marlene as it was highly unlikely her friend would be speaking to her in the morning. What a charmed life she was leading.

The emerald green ink that she had used to write the boyfriend list this afternoon caught her eye. It seemed like eons ago that she had giggled with her friends and ranked boys for a laugh. There weren’t enough hours of the day to have gone through the emotional gauntlet she had just run, and yet here she was.

Idly, she read over her judgments, smiling to herself at some of her points. To her surprise, there was another entry written in black ink at the bottom. She could recognize Shelia’s tightly precise scrawl and figured she must have continued the game while the rest of the girls were off on their dates. Lily had rather forgotten that Shelia had been outbid and not been able to join the fun this afternoon. She would have to ask her tomorrow if she was okay or seething with jealousy over Diana Urquart and Jerome.

When Lily saw just who Shelia had volunteered as the fourth candidate for the boyfriend list, Lily was torn between the urge to sigh and snort.

_Option 4: James Potter – Gryffindor_

_Pros: He’s far more attractive than the other options on this list. And you can’t deny this one anymore, Miss Snoggy. You think he’s fit. I can read between the lines and figure out where that shoulder fixation is coming from. Hint: he’s a quidditch captain._

_He already gets along with all of your friends, so you’d be able to double date and have adorable hangouts in the common room and be the it-couple of Gryffindor._

_The man has his own friends, his own interests, his own life. He’s not going to smother you or demand that you give up all your girl time to spend time with him, which would be_ such _a deal-breaker._

_The bloke who goes for you is going to have to know how to stand his ground considering how stubborn you are. I think James has proved himself to be remarkably persistent over the years. How many times did he ask you out? At least twenty, right? He knows what he wants and he goes for it. I call that ambitious._

_James makes you laugh. I know you try to pretend you don’t find him funny, but you do. You’re going to choke someday on all those giggles you’re suppressing. Frankly, you could laugh more. I worry about you sometimes. You’ve gotten so much more serious over the past couple of years. It would be nice to see you have more fun._

_Speaking of fun, that’s James’ middle name isn’t it? He’ll make you do things, Lils! You’ll never be bored if James is your boyfriend. Your time will be split between adventures and mind-blowing shagging – two things we both know you secretly crave._

_Cons: You’re a stubborn brat who will never admit there’s a grain of truth to any of this._

_(And maybe he’s had one too many girlfriends. That might be a bit intimidating now that I think of it, considering you’re not that experienced)._

_But it’s mostly you. You’re the con._

_Consensus: James is the best and only option. And Lily Evans is a ninny. I love you and hope you have a good day!_

Lily tucked away the list in her bedside table where she didn’t have to worry about it being accidentally dropped in front of prying eyes. Shelia really was a piece of work. Some of the things she wrote were just so far from the truth as to be unbelievable – and Lily was _not_ just being a stubborn brat about it.

The only option? Hmpf. There were plenty of options. Hadn’t she made an excellent case for Erik Carmichael just this very morning?

No, Shelia was full of shite. Though Lily felt fondness for her friend’s concern course through her rather than aggravation at her meddling. And maybe, just maybe, Shelia had a point about the whole making her laugh thing.

Why’s six afraid of seven? Oh lord, now she wouldn’t be able to sleep because she was going to be up all night giggling to herself.

James Potter really could be rather funny.

 

Score

Lily: 5 - James: 4

 

Number of times Lily assumed the worst of James: 0

Number of times Lily lied: 2

Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 3

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I knew going into this that Lily and James were going to take a looong time to get it together and fall in love, so I’m excessively pleased that they’ve finally gotten to this point in this chapter.  
> Thank you all for reading and reviews are extremely appreciated.


	14. Oct 10: Of Moods, Mad and Sad

**October 10, 1977**

In recent memory, there had not been a greater threat posed to the stability of wizarding Great Britain than that presented by Voldemort and his supporters. They weren’t at war per se, but anyone who read the news could tell you that the situation was slowly escalating. Every day there was a new opinion piece in the prophet about how the Ministry should concede to Voldemort’s demands and restrict the rights of muggleborns or rather that the Ministry should be taking stronger action against those who even spoke of blood supremacy, limiting freedoms of speech in this time of conflict.

With the situation so dour, none of the professors were particularly surprised by the mood that had befallen the Gryffindor seventh years that Monday morning. After all, they were the students who would soon be graduating and faced with the harsh realities of a world at war. It made sense that their spirts would be low, the mood grim, and as Professor Abel had fondly put it, “These things always hit the Gryffindors most harshly. The justice loving fools.”

The professors’ assumption, however, that the Gryffindor seventh years had fallen into a collective strop over the impending war would be entirely wrong.

No, thoughts of genocide and discrimination were far from their minds. Instead, they were entirely focused on their own personal dramas and conflicts. Their professors had really underestimated the myopia of a group of teenagers. It was truly unparalleled.

In their defense, none of the Gryffindor seventh years bothered to read the op-eds in the _Daily Prophet_ or follow the news of grisly deaths that always graced the front page. They, along with the rest of the school, were entirely too distracted by the release of the Monday edition of the _Hogwarts Daily Mail_ to worry about that trifle called “the real world.” Hogwarts was plenty real thanks and provided much better gossip.

It appeared that only one Gryffindor seventh year was immune to the misery that had overcome his classmates. One James Potter was having a fine morning. In fact, he would consider his mood practically jubilant considering it was a Monday, and he was not going to let the sour pusses of his friends drag him down a lick.

There were many reasons to which he could ascribe his good mood. Principally among them was that he had had a _fantastic_ weekend. The same weekend that had emotionally drained his peers had left him feeling fresh and excited. Not a dull moment.

That was how James judged the quality of his days: how many dull moments had he needed to wade through in his pursuit of fun? Not a one had encroached upon his perfect weekend.

Monday was shaping up to be every bit as wonderful – or as good as any day with classes could be. Breakfast was nearing at a close, but James’ head was still studiously bent over his copy of the _Hogwarts Daily Mail_. He was having trouble raising his head off the table from the force of his laughter.

There was an exceptionally glowing article about the auction on the front page that had left him feeling pretty smug, but the true crowning joy of the edition was the feature piece on Sirius. Good Godric did he love Marlene McKinnon and her weird little brain.

“Tell me, Padfoot,” James said, gasping a bit for breath as he summoned the words over his laughter. “When you saw the mother goose flying south with her children, did your eyes really ‘shimmer with unshed tears?’”

The last bit came out a bit choked as James was overcome once more with a fit of laughter that he had to smother against his sleeve.

Entirely unimpressed, Sirius growled, “I will _end_ you.”

He had uttered these same words at least seven times already that breakfast.

“Very intimidating coming from a man who ‘cradled the baby owl to him as if he were its own mother, stroking its feathers with the gentlest of caresses.’ Tell me, what other animals have you been softly caressing?” James snickered.

Marlene’s feature on Sirius was a work of art, a masterpiece that James had every intention of framing and hanging on his bedside wall for years to come. Her lunch date with Sirius had evidently been spent in the owlery, where Sirius had shown the soft, vulnerable side that Marlene had been digging for, cooing over baby owls and waxing poetic about the landscape visible through the window.

It wasn’t a secret that Sirius was a nature-lover and a slave to animals. Growing up constrained within the Black household had left him with a deep appreciation for anything that lived freely and an admiration for the simplistic beauty of nature. He did not, however, advertise this fact even to his friends. Maybe they would catch Sirius gazing a moment too long at a sunset or contemplatively rubbing the bark of a tree, but the kind of overt displays that Marlene depicted in her article were unheard of. James could not have made Sirius sound like a greater ponce if he tried, and boy did he love to try.

Perhaps James’ favorite aspect of the article was that it purposefully contrasted all of Sirius’s soulful animal-petting with the filth he had been spewing to Marlene in their interview earlier in the week. The result was to paint all of Sirius’s lewd womanizing as a mask to disguise the soft, soft putty of his heart.

Sirius was, understandably, furious.

In the past, it had come in handy for Sirius to play just this card whether it was to sway a professor or romance a girl. It wasn’t, however, the impression that he wanted to give the entire student population. Most certainly not by accident.

When Sirius confiscated James’ copy of the paper, he made only a half-hearted showing of trying to snatch it back and followed him to class. (Sirius didn’t know that James had nicked an extra paper off the Hufflepuff table that was hidden in his robes).

It had not escaped James’ notice that he appeared to be the only Gryffindor in good spirits that morning. His fits of hilarity had been all the more obnoxious as everyone else had sat miserably, poking at their porridge.

It was a bit strange for James, who was unaccustomed to all of his mates deciding to be miserable at the same time. The only one who was somewhat agreeable at the moment was Peter, but he was malleable, victim to the moods of others and his laughter at James’ jokes rang false. Sirius was grumpy because Mary had punched him last night. Remus was grumpy because he was convinced that James hadn’t forgiven him for his lack of faith on Saturday. The girls were grumpy because…well, he supposed they didn’t really require a reason. They were prone to regular strops as it was.

As they settled into their seats in Defense, James turned around to face Remus who sat behind him so that he could flick him in the ear. Such a move would normally earn him a scowl or an eye roll at his immaturity, but considering he was currently wallowing in unnecessary guilt, Remus just gave him a half-hearted smile in return.

“We’re going to have to change your nickname to Moody if you keep this up,” James told him.

Remus blinked dazedly back, “What?”

“One week a month. You get one week a month to act like you’re allergic to fun and that’s it. Last I checked, we’ve got another week before your allotted pouting time, so you better knock it off now,” James said.

“I’m sorry, James,” Remus said miserably.

James wanted to slam his head against the table. “I don’t want you to be sorry! I want you to –”

He was interrupted by Professor Ames starting the class and forced to turn around in his seat. As difficult as his mates were making it, he refused to let them ruin his day. He had a plan. He was going to pay attention in class, wow everyone with what a good, little boy he could be, and then he was going to shove it in Lily Evans’ pretty face.

Less than fifteen minutes into class, James was reminded of just why he had never been the picture-perfect student. Merlin, was he bored. His foot tapped incessantly against the side of his chair, the physical manifestation, of his feelings as he struggled to make himself listen as Ames droned on about the connection between your emotional wholeness and the force of your magic.

It’s not that he hated the subject necessarily. His father would roll his eyes and make a comment about how new-age magical theory was largely untested if he could hear Ames now, but James thought there was probably some validity to her point. Who really knew where magic came from in the first place? There were dozens of books that speculated on where the differential in the force of two wizards’ magic originated from, not that James had ever bothered to read one, but it was all theory. That power could come from your internal balance or whatever made just as much sense as any other explanation, and it was less politically charged than some that attributed it to bloodlines.

In James’ opinion, which he thought was a cut above the average, there was no need to fill an entire class period with the subject. He got it. A sound mind led to sound magic.

_Pay attention. Pay attention._

It would be easier if there weren’t so many interesting things to think about. Take for example, Sirius. What exactly was going on with Sirius?

He knew that his friend was angry that Mary had clocked him, which seemed rather out of character. James personally thought it was hilarious that Mary had tried to take Sirius in a physical fight. His already positive estimation of the witch had soared even higher after Peter had recounted the event to him, nervously whispering the story so that Sirius wouldn’t overhear from where he was pouting. There really wasn’t any reason to be this pissy over the entire thing.

Maybe the combination of the punch with the article? Still nothing to sulk over.

James was not known for his sympathy, and he had none to give now.

Figuring one little note wasn’t going to ruin his attempts at being swotty – after all, he’d seen Lily pass notes in class before – he decided to risk a quick jab at Sirius.

_If you’re upset because you’re scared, I promise that I’ll fight off any big, scary girls that come looking for you._

Sirius shot him a look of disgust and went back to his brooding. James didn’t mind Sirius’s lack of reaction. He was plenty entertained enough for the both of them.

Eventually, Professor Ames was kind enough to end the lecture portion of class and pair them off to practice their shield charms. James was becoming very sick of bloody shield charms. He was more a fan of the spells that blew things up.

“It’s important that you leave your comfort zones and regularly. Challenge yourselves. You can’t let fear motivate you. If you do, you’ll never achieve balance between your mind, body, and magic,” Professor Ames instructed.

In other, less pretentious words, Ames was assigning partners.

James would have been content with just about any pairing as they had Defense with Ravenclaw, but he was delighted when Ames put him with Mary. He strolled over to where she was morosely sitting, dropping his books on her desk with a solid thunk that made her jump.

“Alright, Mary, light of my life?” he greeted.

She looked at him suspiciously, “You’re very…cheerful this morning.”

“There’s no reason not to be in good spirits, my shining star. The sun is out. The birds are singing. It’s a good day,” James said.

 If she had been skeptical before, she looked downright alarmed now.

“Err…do you want to start first, and I’ll throw some simple hexes at you?” she asked.

“As long as you’re not throwing punches,” James agreed cheekily.

Mary flushed pink. He didn’t think he’d ever seen her blush before. She was usually far more difficult to rile up. He hoped she wasn’t going soft in her old age.

For the next ten minutes, he managed to keep any teasing remarks to himself. He produced a pretty fair shield charm already, but the purpose of today’s lesson was to practice expanding the area it covered and that required his full concentration. For once he wasn’t just trying to top his classmates, but his own personal best.

By the time his turn had finished, he had succeeded in extending his shield’s reach by two centimeters without losing any of the potency of the charm and a whole four centimeters if he allowed the charm to weaken. Ames gave him a hearty clap on the back and an O for the class in return for his efforts.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spied that Remus had managed to cast his charm wide enough to cover both him and Marco Rivera. He was really ace at these things, considering no one else in the class could expand theirs to so much as cover their entire person yet, let alone protect a friend. Under Ames’ delightedly warped grading scale, however, Remus was only given a ‘T’ because his charm had been enormous to start with and he had only succeeded in expanding it a half centimeter. Shockingly, Remus’s mood was not improved by his failed grade.

“Can I ask you a question?” Mary said nervously, gaining James’ attention. “Why aren’t you angry with me?”

James raised an eyebrow. “Did you do something I should be cross about?”

Shrugging, Mary said, “I assaulted one of your mates. That’s the kind of thing some people would be mad about, yeah.”

“Mary, I say this from the bottom of my heart. The only thing I’m cross with you about is that you punched Sirius when I wasn’t in the room to see it. You know what…I honestly am mad about that. I might never forgive you,” James said.

“You don’t think I’m a nutter or a terrible person?” Mary asked, unconvinced.

James considered this for a second. “You might be a bit of a nutter, but I happen to like that about you. It’s a vast improvement over the emotionless block thing you sometimes do.”

When Mary looked somewhat affronted at this, James hurried to continue, “And I definitely don’t think you’re a terrible person. Sirius needs to get punched in the face every once and a while. It’s good for him. Keeps him humble.”

“I think he’d disagree with you,” Mary said, nodding her head towards where Sirius was firing off hexes at his partner with far more force than was strictly required.

“Don’t worry. I know what’s best for him,” James said conspiratorially.

That almost earned him a smile before Mary was demanding that they return to work. You’d think he was the one that got them off topic in the first place with the way she barked the order at him.

By James’ standards, Mary wasn’t the ideal partner for practicing shield charms. Half the fun was always when someone’s shield charm would weaken for just a second and James could fire something ridiculous through the breach. Then, he’d get to have a laugh as his partner performed a jig or fell to the ground with a fit of the giggles. Mary, unfortunately, never flagged, and James just sent boring stinging hexes her way, knowing that they would never hit her.

Her shield was incredibly effective, maybe not as large as Remus’s, but still one of the best produced in the class. She tried to hide it, but James could see the hints of smugness emerging on her face.

It took Professor Ames all of twenty seconds to wipe that away completely.

“Miss MacDonald, I don’t think you’re even trying,” Professor Ames sighed as if it pained her to say. She seemed like the type to put a lot of personal stock into her students’ success, so she probably wasn’t even exaggerating it. “I know that you can do better. I’m going to have to give you another ‘T’ for today’s class.”

Her third ‘T’ in as many classes, Mary had apparently had enough because she, literally, did not take this sitting down. Frustrated, she pushed over her chair. It clattered loudly to the floor, drawing everyone’s attention.

“How’s this for emotional honesty?” she demanded.

Sweeping her books up, she stormed out of the classroom before anyone had a chance to react.

“Was it something I said?” Professor Ames asked uncertainly, clearly taken by surprise that her unorthodox teaching methods could have pushed a student so over the edge.

If James didn’t track the full moon for other purposes, he would have assumed that the full moon was tonight with how wonky everyone was acting. Mary MacDonald displaying intense emotion in public! Mary MacDonald shouting at a teacher and ditching class! This was positively unheard of.

For a moment, it looked as if no one was going to chase after her, but then Marlene stumbled up to the front of the room. Professor Ames gave her permission to follow after Mary and confirm that she was alright, and Marlene was out the door in a blink of an eye.

He was really going to have to rethink whether or not Mary might actually be a nutter. Punching Sirius was perfectly reasonable, caring that you got a poor grade in Defense was the sign of a lunatic. Their grades didn’t even count towards anything. It was NEWT year! As long as you passed your NEWT exam, you were set.

He felt utterly betrayed by her abandonment. Where was the loyalty? James joined Remus and Rivera for the rest of the period. It went terribly, and it was all Mary’s fault.

James’ mere presence was evidently enough to send Remus off-balance and his shield charm sputtered to a third of its former glory. Every time James sent a hex his friend’s way, Remus flinched as if he expected James was going to start throwing Crucios any second. By the end of the period, James found himself rather brassed off with his mate and his daffy behavior. Honestly, Remus’s apprehension was not flattering.

Rather than walk to Potions alongside the rest of the Marauders, which would have been the most sensible thing to do, Remus made a weak excuse about having left his gloves in Gryffindor Tower and scurried off without them. This left Sirius and James to make the walk alone.

James’ previous good spirits had been thoroughly doused by this point, and Sirius’s mood didn’t look to have improved over the course of the class.

“What does he want me to do to convince him I’m not angry?” James said exasperatedly as he watched Remus’s retreating form.

Sirius emerged from his brooding long enough to ask, “Are you sure you’re not?”

Had he not already explained this a dozen times over?

“Yes.”

“You sure? Because I know you, mate, and this isn’t the type of thing you’d usually let go of so easily,” Sirius said.

“Of course I’m not thrilled with Remus right now. He’s had better moments, but I don’t want to fight and I don’t want him skulking about all miserable,” James said.

Sirius’s confidence that James was secretly angry made James wonder if perhaps Sirius might have a point. Whenever he really stopped to think about Remus’s lack of faith in him, his fists would unintentionally clench. After everything they’d been through together, he should be well past the point of having to earn Remus’s trust. The thought made him want to hit something.

Okay, so maybe he wasn’t angry. He was closer to furious.

Still, he wasn’t lying when he said that he didn’t want to fight about it. He didn’t make it a habit of lying to his friends. There was no fun, no point to giving in to his anger. He wanted to tell jokes and laugh and play Quidditch, not waste his time moaning about how he had been wronged.

He most certainly did not want to wonder whether there was a reason that Remus had doubted him. Remus was one of the most observant, insightful people James had ever met. James refused to speculate as to whether Remus saw something dark and terrible in James, something unworthy of trust.

“Skulking around miserable is kind of his thing. You know our Moony. He feels guilty for all kinds of shite he didn’t even do. He’s going to combust now that he actually cocked up for real,” Sirius said.

James grumbled in response. Great, now he got to feel guilty for making Remus feel guilty when there was already so much guilt going around.

Peter always met them at the stairwell that led to the dungeons for Potions and had quietly joined them, listening to their conversation. There were only two stairwells that led to the Dungeons and Peeves had evidently wreaked his usual havoc, putting the stairwell on the eastern side of the castle out of commission. As a result, dozens of students were trying to cram onto the staircase, jostling each other in their hurry to get to class.

 “Bloody, Peeves. Can we find some way to get back at him soon, yeah?” James groaned, as a second year’s bony elbow slammed into his gut.

His mates ignored him, too busy caught up in their own struggle to escape the stairwell unscathed and maybe also reasonably reluctant to agree. Their every attempt to best the poltergeist in the past had failed magnificently, and Peeves could be a dedicated and creative enemy. It was best to avoid antagonizing him.

“If you want Remus to stop feeling guilty, you have to properly punish him,” Peter spoke up when they had finally escaped the claustrophobic stairwell situation.

“He’s got to what?” Sirius asked.

“Moony needs absolution. He’s going to feel like he deserves to suffer until you punish him, and if you won’t do it, he’ll punish himself instead,” Peter explained.

James shared a skeptical look with Sirius.

“That’s just stupid,” James said. “Are you sure about this?”

Peter raised his eyebrow pointedly. When it came to the other Marauders, he was never wrong. He would probably have more success cheering Remus up than his own mum.

“It may be stupid, but it _is_ Moony.”

James sighed. “So, I just need to act like an arse for a few days and eventually everything’ll turn back to normal.”

“That or you could kick the shite out of him,” Sirius suggested. “It would be faster.”

“I can’t hit Remus!”

Merlin knew his friend’s body was already broken enough as things were. Adding onto that would make him feel like a scumbag.

“Oy! You can hit me and not him?” Sirius demanded.

“Don’t be sad, Padfoot. I promise from now on I’ll just get Mary to do it for me,” James laughed.

Sirius’s lips twisted into a scowl. “I thought you were finally off that.”

“Please. I’m not going to stop bringing this up until I’m dead. It’s like you hardly know me,” James said, clapping a comradely hand on his back before entering the classroom.

 _Operation Arse-Hole commences now_ , James thought grimly.

Rather than take his normal seat next to Sirius, James sat down next to a jumpy Remus. He couldn’t exactly torment his friend from a distance now could he? He knew that Slughorn would pretend not to have noticed their little game of musical chairs, opting instead to ignore their misbehavior unless it spiraled out of control.

“I need to get an ‘O’ today if I want to beat Evans. So just keep your mouth shut and don’t cock anything up,” James ordered tersely.

Remus looked upset as he nodded his assent.

They were tasked with brewing a potion that decreased the drinker’s body density. When Slughorn asked the class to answer the possible uses of the potion, James’ hand had risen at top-speed, beating a disgruntled Snape. His answer of underwater diving had earned him a point for Gryffindor. For once, he had actually done the reading.

He didn’t glance over to check Lily’s reaction. He had some dignity, but he could only imagine she must have been suitably impressed.

James had to admit that bullying Remus for a period was nice. Not because he enjoyed seeing his friend suffer, but because he was able to assign all the miserable, grunt work to Remus and save the actual brewing for himself. Remus carefully dewinged lacewing flies and ground up a centaur’s hoof, while James merely had to monitor the temperature of the cauldron and stir as required.

Realizing that they needed more salamander skin, James headed back to the supplies cupboard. His trip coincided nicely with his red-haired Head student counterpart, and he found himself alone with Lily.

Never one to pass up an opportunity, he leaned in close to her, where she was searching a shelf, enjoying the way she jumped when she sensed his presence crowding her in.

“Want to hear a joke? I’ve got a pretty good one about a slice of pizza that walked into a bar,” he breathed into her ear.

She huffed and spun around to face him, forcing his body back a respectable difference in doing so. Hands planted on her hips, it was clear she was trying to strike a pose of derision. Her attempt would have been a lot more convincing if he hadn’t seen her bent over with laughter from a schoolyard joke just the day before.

“Fine. Go on then,” she instructed.

“You know what? Never mind,” James shook his head. “I don’t want to tell you.”

Lily looked outraged. “You can’t just take it back! You promised me a joke a day. Now, deliver, Potter.”

“Sorry, I changed my mind.”

“I swear to God, Potter. If you don’t tell me your stupid joke right now –”

“Listen, I was going to tell you, but then I realized the joke was too _cheesy_.”

He waited a moment to let it sink in fully. The key to the pizza-is-too-cheesy joke was the delivery. He grinned widely as he watched her face screw up in annoyance as she got it.

“Of all the terrible jokes in the world that you could have told to mark our new tradition, you chose to lead with ‘it’s too cheesy?’ Seriously?” Lily said.

“I know you’re laughing on the inside, Evans.”

This internal laughter did not translate into an actual laugh, but she also didn’t stomp on his foot, which was what Alice had done when he told the same joke during second year, so he thought it had gone pretty well all things considered.

Reaching up, he snagged a chunk of salamander skin from the top shelf.

He grimaced. “You know, I really don’t think I’ll ever want to go diving so badly that I’ll be willing to drink this swill.”

“It’s not the most appetizing slate of ingredients is it?” Lily agreed with a matching look of distaste.

“What were you looking for?” James asked.

“Just some crabgrass.”

“Oh, I think I spotted some on the top shelf. Want me to grab it for you?”

Now, on his Cleansweep Deluxe, James would swear that he was only trying to be helpful. His beloved broomstick crash into the Whomping Willow if he had even a hint of an ulterior motive. In his offer to assist, James did not intend to cast any aspersions on anyone else’s height.

That was not how Lily saw it when she all but exploded.

James had forgotten just how tetchy short people could get about these things. Merlin.

“No! No, I do not need your help! I am perfectly capable of getting it myself. Just because you’re practically a half-giant you think you can just go around having a laugh about those of us who are of a perfectly _normal_ height. Perfectly normal, I’ll have you know,” Lily ranted at him.

Defensively, James raised his hands against the onslaught, “I just meant –”

“You’re the one whose height is strange. I think I’ll go recommend you be studied in Care of Magical Creatures to Professor Haverley because you’re clearly not human. How would you like that? Hmm? Hmm?”

“I…wouldn’t.”

“Exactly! Now shove off,” Lily said triumphantly.

James stared in awe at her little form for a second before asking, “Have you always been this mad or are you going through some kind of episode?”

Lily’s answering glare was fierce.

“Tell me how you’re going to reach the crabgrass with your perfectly normal-sized arms,” James said cockily, leaning up against the shelf. “There’s no way you can reach it.”

Lily spluttered. He may not have started this looking for a fight, but boy would he enjoy it now that one was inevitable.

“I’m a witch aren’t I? I’ll use magic,” Lily said.

“Well, now I know I have you flustered. You can’t use magic near the ingredients or you’ll contaminate them. If I know that, you sure as hell do,” James said calmly.

Lily turned pink at the realization that he was right. Doubtlessly, she would never have actually tried such a thing. He had just caught her off guard, and she was grasping for a way to outwit him.

“Slughorn keeps a stool in here just for these moments,” Lily said.

James let his eyes slowly drift over the room. There was no stool in sight.

“There’s…there’s usually a stool,” Lily said a bit desperately, obviously not seeing it either.

He didn’t doubt her. It made sense that there must be a way for shorter students to gather supplies without assistance. Fate was clearly on his team though because it was conspicuously absent now.

“I think I’ll leave you to it,” James said, walking towards the door.

Frantically, Lily’s eyes cast between the top shelf, the door, and James. She was probably imagining how embarrassing it would be to have to go out to the classroom and ask for help. It would also be difficult to explain just what exactly she had been doing for the last five minutes if not gathering her ingredients.

“Relax, Evans,” he said, sensing that she was working herself up. Effortlessly, he leaned up and grabbed the jar of crabgrass, depositing it in her hands. “I told you I would help you out.”

Being the swell bloke he was, he didn’t even give her a hard time for not saying thank you as she gaped at him. He really enjoyed how much she was always rearing for a fight. It made him laugh. Honestly, and Mary thought she was the nutter in Gryffindor.

“Us freakishly tall folk have our uses. I’ll see you later at the prefect meeting,” James said, leaving her with a wink.

Slughorn eyed him suspiciously when he reentered the classroom, lips pursed into that judgmental frown he always favored with James. He wanted to feel offended by his professor’s lack of faith but figured there was actually a terribly lot of bad behavior that he could get up to in that supplies cupboard and Slughorn was smart to not put it past him. James was every bit capable of using those stores for evil.

Matter of fact, he noticed that Snape didn’t have his textbook with him today. It must have been melted alongside his other belongings when James blew up his potion. Signs of the little inconvenience left James feeling positively peppy.

He really needed to address the fact that Slughorn thought so little of him though if only because his wager with Lily was riding on it. If Lily was beloved by all of her professors, and this professor most of all, then James sure as hell would be too. It would just require a little bit of wooing, which was just as nauseating as it sounded.

“Professor Slughorn,” James said in his most ingratiating voice. “I was just in the supplies cupboard, and I noticed that the stool was missing, so I had to help Evans reach the top shelf.”

Confused as to why James was telling him this did not even begin to describe the look of consternation on Slughorn’s face.

“It occurred to me that there’s probably a way you can organize all the ingredients so that you can put the most used supplies on the lower shelves where everyone can reach them,” James said.

“I appreciate your insight, Mr. Potter,” Slughorn said a bit sharply.

Great, the fool thought he was criticizing him.

“Well, I just meant that perhaps you would appreciate a bit of help in reorganizing,” James said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “I know the younger students make such a mess of things too. Maybe you could use help with, I dunno, an inventory of your ingredients.”

The level of attention this simple offer drew from the class was entirely overdramatic. Honestly, as if it was so impossible that James was just trying to be nice…to err Slughorn. Perhaps they had a point.

“I’m a busy man, Mr. Potter. I don’t have the time to supervise you mucking about in my supplies,” Slughorn said.

“Quite right, Professor. I wasn’t thinking,” James agreed hastily.

Slughorn’s already beady eyes narrowed further. “You’re not going to try to convince me that you can be trusted in the supplies cupboard by yourself?”

“I’m just trying to be helpful, sir. I don’t want to bother you,” James said.

“Why?”

James lowered his voice so that only Slughorn could hear. He didn’t need everyone thinking he’d suffered some kind of personality malfunction and was now brown-nosing to all of the professors. Sure that was exactly what he was doing, but everyone else could remain ignorant.

“I s’pose I’ve been thinking about the future lately and how much I’m going to miss it here when I have to leave. It’s made me want to be more involved, to better the place. Hogwarts is home, you know?”

In James’ favor was the fact that he had yet to be caught in any bad bit of mischief that year. Sure he had racked up a few detentions – he had one with McGonagall tomorrow from the singing incident last Tuesday – but he had largely avoided any big shows of bad behavior. He’d also been awarded Head Boy by Dumbledore, which had to mean something. These two facts combined to present a pretty convincing argument to Slughorn that James had matured.

“I’ll be monitoring detention in here on Wednesday. If you like, you could come then, so I can keep an eye on you,” Slughorn offered warily.

James did not fancy this plan at all. Spending an hour or two alone at work was far preferable to spending an hour or two with Slughorn prattling on in his ear. There was, however, no graceful way to back out now. If he did, Slughorn would assume James hesitance was because he had planned to steal something from his stores and would leave with a worse impression of James than when this conversation started.

“Thank you, sir. I’ll look forward to it. Would you mind if I picked your brain a bit as well? I’ll probably be joining the Ministry after term ends, and you have so much insight into the way things operate there. It would be very helpful,” James said.

He probably should have withheld that last bit as it seemed enormously possible that Slughorn was going to explode with joy. James taking advantage of his many privileges and showing some ambition made him far more valuable in Slughorn’s greedy, little eyes. Flattery about Slughorn’s connections on top of that was too much for the man to handle.

Clapping his hands together, Slughorn’s entire countenance shifted to one of welcoming, “Of course, my boy. I’m always happy to help out a student. You know, over the years I’ve developed a number of useful connections in the ministry. Former students who remember their dear, old professor after they make something of themselves. Such wonderful chaps. Did you know the Head of the Department of International Cooperation always sends me a Christmas card? Personally written, not something delivered by an assistant. It’s the dearest thing.”

“Mr. Bertrand is very kind,” James agreed. “We had him over at mine for Christmas Eve dinner last year, and he was very charming. Do you know his daughter, Esme? Very bright girl. She’s set to start Hogwarts next year.”

Slughorn beamed. In over six years, this was the friendliest conversation the two had shared and yet this tiny bit of sycophantic name-dropping would doubtlessly be enough to confirm James as one of Sluggy’s favorite students. Years from now, he would speak about James to his Potions class as if they had been the closest of confidantes, a mentor to young James Potter. It kind of made James want to be sick, but he knew how the game was played.

When he returned to his desk, Remus tried to ask him what that had been about, but James brushed him aside dismissively. All in all, it was a very successful class period. His potion turned out if not perfect then at least acceptable and Slughorn gave him an O for his efforts, he had gained a professor’s respect, increasing his chances of winning the bet, and he had thoroughly crushed one of his best mate’s spirits. Fruitful.

It appeared he would be accomplishing even more before lunch because Lily stopped him in the corridor after class ended.

“I was hoping I could have a word,” Lily said tentatively.

James looked to his mates. Remus seemed all too happy to put some space between them after the morning of abuse he’d suffered, while Sirius looked positively sour. Granted, Sirius had worn an expression of mild hostility all day. With the least personal drama of the group, Peter predictably couldn’t have cared less.

“You can have several,” James said after he observed his friends wouldn’t be voicing any objections.

“I’ll be in the library if you need anything,” Remus said quietly, departing with Peter at his side.

He was glad that Peter was sticking close to Remus. That way if his friend decided to open up there would be someone there to listen.

“I won’t be in the library, so don’t bother looking for me there,” Sirius said, making to leave as well.

“Actually, I was hoping to speak to _you_ ,” Lily said.

It hadn’t occurred to either of them that Sirius would be the one Lily wished to speak with. Lately, she and James had become practically attached at the hip with all the business they shared. He had just assumed.

“Well, both of you,” Lily corrected. “I want to speak to both of you about separate things.”

Lily paused as if unsure how to begin. Excusing himself so Lily could speak to Sirius privately was probably what she had in mind, but he had no intention of doing so. Propriety be damned. He looked down at Lily expectantly, while Sirius regarded her with an expression of contempt. It was hard to believe that she could act so timid after the demonic display from the supply cupboard.

“What is it, Lily? As you’ve probably noticed, Sirius has been in a _swell_ mood all day, so it’s probably best to just come out with it, yeah,” James urged.

He found it was perfectly natural to use her given name. James was trying to help quell her obvious nervousness about whatever she was going to say, and he couldn’t properly convey that everything would be fine using her surname. Earlier in the week, when he’d comforted her about the thestral incident, he had done the same – a thoughtless transition to familiarity. Already he called her Lily in his thoughts. It was borderline intoxicating to say out loud.

His strategy appeared to work because Lily replied, “Right, sorry. I owe both of you an apology.”

There were two issues James immediately took with this statement. The first was that, as far as he knew, Lily owed no such thing to either of them. A quick review of the past few days had him coming up empty for any way Lily had wronged them. The second and more alarming concern was that in over six years, Lily had never once apologized to James or Sirius – not when she docked points or publicly rejected James or the time she had reported Sirius for cheating on a History of Magic exam in second year. Generally, Lily was not given to apologies, but she was _especially_ opposed to apologizing to them.

With this in mind, Lily’s pronouncement filled James with a sense of dread. If Lily was overcoming her pride and apologizing, she must have done something awful. He wasn’t sure if he wasn’t better off not knowing.

“What did you do?” James asked, fear evident in his voice.

“You know. I’m sorry for losing my temper with you earlier,” Lily said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “You were being alright, and I acted…well, as you said, a bit mad.”

“Do you mean the crabgrass thing?”

 “Of course. I suppose I am a bit sensitive about my height, not that I’m not perfectly normal, but some people have expressed a different opinion,” Lily said hurriedly.

“Right. You’re perfectly average, and I’m freakishly tall,” James said.

Sirius scoffed loudly.

“What I’m trying to say,” Lily said, ignoring Sirius though she did throw him a glare for good measure, “is thank you for your help.”

She gave him a small smile that was so impossibly sweet that if James had known how to respond before (he hadn’t), he most certainly had forgotten now. It was a good thing her mad antics hadn’t bothered him because there was no staying cross with that face.

James was astounded. Never in a million years would he have predicted Lily would have felt anything but justified about her behavior. Sure, she had acted completely barmy, but that was their way. He could be a complete arse, making derisive comments and digging at her in the hopes of making her explode, and she in return never took his feelings into consideration in her attempts to verbally eviscerate him. It was their thing. Contrition had never before factored into it.

Beyond the fact that he hadn’t expected an apology was his opinion that he hardly needed one for something so insignificant. Screeching and insults from Lily always rolled off him as if he’d cast an Imperturbable Charm on himself. He always considered himself lucky to have had a chance to peek at that passion she tried to hide, broiling beneath the surface. Proximity to it left him feeling warmer. He suspected it might increase his life expectancy by a month each time he was fortunate enough to bear witness, as if he were leeching off her life-force.

Apologies here were unnecessary, especially one delivered with such tentative hopefulness. And that’s what she was: hopeful. She was worried as if James would spit in her face. No bloke could stand to disappoint a girl when she presented herself like that.

“Any time, Lily. I’m rather fond of your episodes,” James said.

Lily smiled back bashfully. “Then we’ll have to do it again sometime.”

They would probably have stood there beaming at each other until lunch had ended if Sirius didn’t interrupt with a snapped, “Oy, quit flirting with him and give me my apology so I can get some food.”

“Sorry, um….” Any relief she may have felt at James’ easy acceptance of her apology evaporated instantly. “Last night with Marlene, I’m sorry for becoming so cross. I had not right. It wasn’t any of my business.”

“If I recall, and maybe my memory is muddled from the brain damage I sustained, you’re not the one who needs to be sorry,” Sirius said dismissively.

He made as if to walk away, but Lily reached out and stopped him. For James’ apology, she had been antsy, practically bouncing from foot to foot. Now, she was solid and unyielding. Apparently, Sirius’s apology required more of a grit-your-teeth-and-do-it kind of attitude. Determination was visible in the tilt of her jaw. Were Sirius to try and walk away, she would follow him.

“I do need to apologize. For as long as I’ve known you, you have been nothing but nice…well, maybe not to everyone, but at least to me and certainly to Marlene. Reacting like I did, well it was like saying you’re not good enough. Like you’re dirty somehow. You’ve done nothing to deserve that, and I’m sorry,” Lily said.

James was pleased to see that Sirius appeared just as flustered by a contrite Lily as James himself had been. Sirius was trying to gaze off at the wall in disinterest, but he was clearly affected. The evidence was in his hands, which squirmed even as his face remained impassive.

Her apology to Sirius hadn’t even been delivered as sweetly as James’ had been and Sirius was a lost cause. From the looks of it, Lily felt a lot more guilt about her behavior towards Sirius. Self-castigation was present in the way her words tumbled over each other and the fact that she couldn’t quite meet his eyes.

To be fair to his mate, it was probably the content of her apology rather than the delivery that was affecting him. Sirius had never gone as gooey over Lily as James had. No, he was thrown off balance because so much of his behavior was designed to encourage people’s censure. He wanted to prove everyone’s low expectations right but on his own terms. James figured his best mate felt safer that way.

Here was ridiculously judgmental Lily Evans telling him that he deserved more. There was nothing tainted about him. Obviously, Sirius hadn’t done as good a job at managing expectations as he had thought.

James’ read on the situation was that Sirius was one hundred percent uncomfortable but also a little bit touched. Considering he was the foremost scholar in the field of interpreting Sirius Black, James was pretty confident that he had accurately pegged Sirius’s feelings on the matter.

“Just forget about it, Evans,” Sirius said tersely.

Not able to interpret Sirius’s behavior as accurately as James could, Lily clearly took that as a rejection.

“Right, yeah. Of course, you don’t have to forgive me. Just know that I’m deeply ashamed of my behavior, and I’m truly sorry from the very bottom of –”

“Merlin, you’re forgiven!” Sirius said quickly.

James judged this to be a wise move on Sirius’s part as Lily was clearly nowhere near finished.

“That’s kind of you,” Lily sighed in relief. “Another thing –”

Sirius groaned.

“Please don’t think any less of Marlene just because her mates are all mad. You of all people should know what that’s like seeing as you’re friends with this one,” she said, gesturing at James and earning a reluctant smile from Sirius. “Marly’s a good friend to have. The best friend to have really. I’d hate for you to write her friendship off because of me and Mary.”

Her request struck James as odd, considering there wasn’t much of a friendship between Sirius and Marlene to salvage. He highly doubted Sirius placed any value on the quiet girl, so his opinion couldn’t have been lessened much.

When James tried to catch Sirius’s eye to share with him this, in James’ opinion, obvious thought, Sirius didn’t return it. Instead, he regarded Lily contemplatively before ultimately nodding in agreement.

“Well, I won’t keep you anymore,” Lily said a tad awkwardly now that her intended task was accomplished.

“You’re not going to the Great Hall?” Sirius asked.

Lunch hour had already started, so it only made sense that they would walk there together. James sincerely hoped that she wasn’t planning to trail a few meters after them the whole journey as if that would somehow be less awkward than enduring the strained small talk that would occur if she joined them like a normal, functioning human being. He knew Sirius was worried about the same thing, hence the question.

“Oh, no! Professor Sodhi’s predicting that the Whomping Willow’s going to drop all its leaves within the hour. I’ve always wanted to see it. It’s supposed to be magnificent to stand underneath as they all rain down, and as long as you stay towards the perimeter, the Willow won’t try to attack you,” she said wistfully.

The image of Lily spinning around and giggling as bright orange leaves whirled around her, tangling in her hair, made his stomach clench.

“You really are barmy,” Sirius chuckled.

“Don’t pretend you don’t want to see it too, or is your ‘ability to completely lose yourself in nature’s wonders’ reserved for baby animals?” Lily cooed.

Sirius groaned as she perfectly quoted Marlene’s story. Apparently James was not the only one who had been positively tickled by Marlene’s romantic characterization of Sirius. James was delighted to have found a partner in his plans to endlessly torment Sirius.

Impulsively, he raised his hand for a high-five, which Lily, laughing, returned. Sirius stormed off muttering about ‘traitors’ and ‘libel.’

“Before you go,” James said, drawing his eyes away from Sirius’s retreating back, “what brought all this about?”

Lily didn’t have to ask him to clarify further. They both knew that unprompted apologies had never been her style. Something had caused her to give it a try. Considering James had never been someone to apologize either, he found himself curious as to what it could be.

“I’ve never really liked to say I’m sorry because I never believed anyone would forgive me,” Lily said sheepishly. “I suppose, it seemed like a waste, but I…I think I’ve underestimated my own capacity to forgive, and I’m hoping other people are more forgiving than I’ve ever given them credit for too.”

The words came slowly as if she were weighing each one. Judging by the frustrated purse of her lips, she still wasn’t happy with what she managed to convey. Some things were impossible to put into words.

“And it’s nice to hear, you know? I’m sorry. How can I wish someone else will say it to me if I never say it either?” Lily continued.

“Are you hinting that I owe you an apology?” James joked.

Lily laughed. “You probably owe me several, but I’ll survive without.

He wanted to know whose apology she longed for; he wanted to know if she was going to extend her tour of apologies to anyone else; and most of all, he wanted to know how she felt now that she had said it.

But Lily Evans was a girl who was born to dance under a tree of falling leaves and marvel at the changing of the seasons. He would never want to hold her back from that.

So he let her go with his questions unanswered.

 

Score

Lily: 5 – James: 4

Number of times James failed to consider someone else’s feelings: 3  
Number of times James misread Lily: 1  
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 1


	15. Oct. 10: Of Apologies, Given and Received

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two notes:  
> 1) Some mature content in the middle of the chapter. Nothing too long, and I think you can see it coming, so you can skip it if you don't want to read.  
> 2) I actually forgot to post this on here when I first released it on fanfic.net. So, there will be another chapter probably as early as tomorrow. I'm going to spin this as a good thing as it means back to back updates.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

October 10, 1977

An apology was a strange thing. That's what occupied James' thoughts as he practiced his feints.

He was alone on the pitch as most students were still stuck in classes and no captain would schedule practice during a time where at least half the team would be unavailable.

Since becoming captain last year, James had found he had very little time during official practices to focus on improving his own flying. Instead, he spent the allotted time trying to better his teammates and barking out orders. This had only become more pronounced this year with a prat like Carmichael on the team. Coming out to the pitch in his spare time for additional practice had become essential.

Sometimes he almost regretted accepting the captaincy. There were definite perks – he loved the social cache that came along with it, thrived off the all-consuming commitment to winning it evoked, and he could think of few better ways to spend a rainy day than plotting strategies. Yet, he missed the times when he could completely lose himself in the flying, when the wind drowned out his every thought and his broom effortlessly reacted to the slightest touch as if it were an extension of his soul.

It was for these reasons that James had decided to spend his afternoon flying even though he could think of several more responsible ways he could be spending his time.

Today, however, the wind had not been successful in screaming over his thoughts and he found himself distracted by the subject of apologies. Principally, why did people give them.

He had generated three plausible reasons: First, you wanted the person you wronged to feel better. The apology was motivated by complete selflessness outside of the personal satisfaction gained at seeing a friend returned to good spirits. Second, to maintain the status quo. Maybe you didn't really regret what you'd done or thought it justified, but you didn't want to live with the consequences. Apologize and everyone can move on. Third, you felt guilty and sought to assuage your guilt for your personal benefit like when Abigail Stewart had told Malcolm Reynolds she had snogged his brother. Her confession and subsequent apology certainly hadn't been for Reynolds' benefit, the poor sod.

With so many selfish reasons for apologizing, James didn't believe it was always the right thing to do. In fact, it seemed to frequently burden the wronged party.

James couldn't think of anyone to whom he owed an apology, at least not one that would be sincere. He may be impulsive, but he rarely regretted his choices. Wasn't that owning up to his actions more than if he went about delivering meaningless apologies and expecting absolution?

The other side of the sickle, forgiveness, was even less of James' strong suit, and it was contemplations on this subject that made him feel a mite queasy.

How terrible a person was he? How hard-headed, that Remus was quicker to believe that James might bully him out of spite than one of James' many overtures of forgiveness?

What was awful was that Remus was right to recognize that James was full of shite.

Sure, Peter had urged him to give Remus a hard time, but James had been quick to accept the easy way out and had played his part with more gusto than strictly necessary. James had nicked food off Remus's plate, criticized his every opinion, and bullied him into agreeing to clean James' side of the dormitory in one short lunch. He had found himself becoming crueler the more hurt Remus appeared.

Bizarrely, James had never struggled to move past any of Sirius's prattish behavior – attempted murder being the one exception. Something about Sirius's lack of repentance made it easy for James to forgive and forget.

That only made his attitude towards Remus more appalling. He was crueler to Remus because Remus made himself small before him and like some kind of terrible, lumbering giant, James was happy to grind him underfoot. Basically, he was a piece of shit, and he should never speak to Lily Evans again because she put strange ideas into his head and ruined his plans to have a happy afternoon of flying.

It occurred to him that he was guilty of feeling rather sorry for himself. And he'd been in such a spritely mood this morning too.

He did a few more half-hearted loop-de-loops before returning to the ground. It was always such a strange sensation to have to hold himself up on his own two feet after flying about weightlessly. It was like his legs didn't remember how much _effort_ it took to stand.

Horror of horrors, someone was waiting for him when he landed. Patient and all together pretty in a pink sweater, Dahlia Reynolds was standing on the pitch, waiting to ambush him once he landed.

James strongly considered taking flight again just to avoid her. Sure, it would be the most blatant get-away he'd made yet and pretty much ensure she knew what a coward he was, but subtlety thy name is not James Potter, and he thought it would probably be worth it. Would he ever live it down if he knocked her over and made a run for it?

"Hullo, James," Dahlia greeted.

"Alright, Dahlia? I've got to clean up, you know all that flying works up a sweat. No need to wait for me. I'll probably take a while, and I'm sure you have more important ways to spend your time," James rambled out desperately.

Dahlia smiled at him as if she found his awkward pleas endearing, "I'm happy to wait, James. I've been wanting to talk to you for a while, so…"

James was many things, but he was not one to spend time worrying over eventualities, and he was rarely prepared. Foolishly, he had not brought his invisibility cloak with him into the locker room. Silly him, he hadn't considered that he might acquire a stalker and need to make a stealthy get away after his shower.

He would not make this same mistake again, he thought darkly.

"Err, I guess we can just talk now," James conceded miserably.

"Can we sit?" Dahlia asked, appearing a little nervous for the first time.

James nodded and they walked over to the stands. They didn't sit directly next to each other. She sat two rows down, so that she had to crane around and peer up at him. James rather preferred this as it allowed him to stretch out his legs and gave him an excuse to look out at the pitch rather than at her. If she started to cry, this viewpoint would come in handy.

"It's crazy how long it's taken to get a hold of you," Dahlia said. "You know, I've been hoping to speak with you for _weeks_ now, and you're always so busy. I guess that's what comes with being head boy and Quidditch captain, and in a NEWT year too."

"Yeah, busy, busy bee, that's me," James said.

Dahlia played with the fraying edges of her sweater. Whatever she was planning to say, she was already upset about it.

"I want you to know that I understand why you snogged Petra North. I would have been pretty mad if I were you too. I totally deserved it," Dahlia said earnestly."

James blinked, nonplussed.

"Obviously, I wish you would have given me a chance to explain, and we could have talked it out, but…you were a good boyfriend, and I get it. I'm sorry," Dahlia said.

Apologies were strange things. They were even stranger when you had no fucking clue why you were receiving one in the first place. They were especially alarming when you were pretty sure that you deserved to be hexed silly for general prattish behavior.

"S'all good," James said uncertainly.

This uncertainty must have been too obvious because Dahlia sighed and felt the need to continue to explain.

"You're great, James. Before we started dating, I thought you were just so fit and funny and all around wonderful…but Remus and I have a real connection you know?"

No, no James most certainly did not know.

Her words hit him in the head like a bludger. A bludger delivered in the middle of the Great Hall during breakfast. Hard and completely unexpected.

"What?"

"I'm sorry. I guess you don't want to hear about that. He's your friend, and we should have waited until you and I had broken up first, but it just wasn't there between us. Not the way it's there with Remus."

"So, you and Remus are pretty serious?" James asked, hoping to get a straight answer as to what the hell was going on.

He was beginning to suspect that Dahlia was some kind of delusional stalker, and not in the cute way that he'd been referring to her as one before. Like the _real_ kind. Remus appeared to be the next target and would probably find himself chained up in one of the dungeons with Dahlia looming over him unless James intervened now.

Dahlia blushed. "I think so. It's not like we're officially dating, but I shagged him and you know I wouldn't even do that with you and you were my boyfriend, so that means something."

"I just want to be sure that we understand one another," James said, carefully constructing his lies so that he wouldn't give away how lost he really was. "You've known this whole time that the only reason I snogged North was to get back at you because I knew you had feelings for Remus?"

"Of course, James. Remus kept trying to convince me that you didn't know we had started up, but I knew that you never would have done something like that unless you had realized that I'd cheated. You're a decent bloke. Unlike me, I suppose. We're both terribly sorry. You should talk to Remus about it. He's been so upset all this time, and it's been even worse since your row this weekend," Dahlia told him, a hand stretched out and placed on his shoulder in an earnest appeal.

Forget forgiveness. Forgiveness was for tossers.

To think that James had been considering making nice with his fucking traitor of a mate just twenty minutes ago. Every time Remus said his pitiful little apologies, what was he apologizing for? Not believing in James? Or for stealing his girlfriend right out from under his nose? And _lying_ about it!

No, Remus Lupin was a dead man walking.

"I'll talk to him," James promised darkly. "Thanks for this, Dahlia. It's been illuminating."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "I just wished we could have done this sooner. I was so worried about how you'd react, but I should have none you'd be a sweetheart about it. You're just that kind of guy."

James was starting to think that Dahlia was the biggest fucking idiot he had ever met.

His plans for a shower were forgotten, replaced by his newfound need to confront Moony, so it was a sweaty James Potter that stormed through the castle that afternoon. He made it halfway to the Muggle Studies classroom before deciding that he maybe wasn't quite so angry that he would burst into the middle of a class to punish his friend. He already had one detention that week from McGonagall; he didn't fancy adding on another one.

It was entirely a matter of luck that the Muggle Studies classroom was on the complete other side of the castle from the Quidditch pitch or in a burst of impulsive fury, James might have done just that. The walk – err…brisk jog – gave him the time he needed to chill out a bit.

He stood outside the classroom, blatantly smoking cigarette after cigarette and dropping them on the stone floor where they were collecting in an untidy, little pile. No professors walked by to spot his flagrant disregard for the rules, but he did catch a few disgruntled glances from some third years.

By the time class was ten minutes from letting out, James had already bored of his waiting game and his desire to confront Remus had diminished immensely. His anger had always been like that – burning blindingly hot in the moment and clouding his judgment before ebbing away by degrees until there was nothing left but cold resentment. It was unheard of for James to stay angry for longer than an hour, at least the kind of angry where the object of his ire was in danger of violent retribution.

Remus ought to count himself lucky.

He left before the class was let out, and Remus was given a blissful reprieve.

The nature of James' friendship with the Marauders was one that did not give him a lot of options for what to do when he was angry with one of them. Normally, he would get together with his mates and they would take turns berating the stupidity of whoever had pissed them off and then they'd plot revenge. It was cathartic and fun and generally was all James needed to relax.

When he was angry with one of them, however, he was left without any healthy method of releasing his feelings. He could go find Sirius and tell him everything that had happened, but Sirius had been acting like a twat all day, and James knew he wouldn't understand.

James himself didn't entirely understand why he was so furious. After all, he hadn't _liked_ Dahlia. In fact, he'd spent a good portion of their relationship whinging about how she wouldn't let him get into her knickers and wondering how to get out of the commitment she was trying to force upon him. He should have been thankful that Moony had stepped up for him and taken her off his hands. She hadn't even really been his girlfriend. Not officially. Not in James' mind.

He had no interest in having someone patronize him right now or tell him that he was being irrational. Frankly, he never much cared for people who would tell him when he was in the wrong. Those sorts made it so frighteningly difficult to sustain his conviction that he was always right.

He thought about how satisfying it would be to set something on fire as he stalked through the corridors. Classes had finally let out, so he had to shoulder his way through the throng. A particularly hard jostle sent one fourth year to the ground, but he was only a Slytherin, so James kept walking.

As if in answer to his prayers, James collided with a soft body. A soft body that housed a girl who would make the perfect distraction.

"Alright, James?" Rin asked, chuckling lightly.

"Brilliant. Never better," James lied. "Where are you off to now?"

"Dunno. I have a free. Probably the library, since Flitwick is just burying us with research," Rin said.

"I'm far more interesting than Charms," James said.

He grabbed ahold of her hand and started tugging her along with him. She had to jog slightly to keep up with the pace he set, stumbling a bit though James' hand ensured she wouldn't fall. As abrupt as he was, Rin voiced no protest at her changed plans.

She looked pretty skeptical, however, when she realized their destination was a broom cupboard.

Before the door had even clicked shut behind them, James was pressing his mouth to hers – hard and demanding. Her lip gloss or chap stick or whatever the hell she was wearing tasted of artificial blueberries, and James couldn't decide if he loved it or hated it. James cupped her face trying to draw her more into the kiss, but her lips remained unmoving and pliant beneath his. It was rather like snogging a pillow with the lack of response, so James drew back unhappily.

Rin didn't look unhappy about being snog-attacked – and yes, James was aware of the irony of having warned Peter against this very scenario days earlier. She did, however, look amused, which wasn't the amorous reaction James was looking for.

"This is the plan?" Rin asked.

"Yeah," James said unrepentantly.

This time when he kissed her, she reciprocated and James soon had her pressed against a wall as he snogged her thoroughly. Like the last time, Rin seemed content to let things develop slowly, keeping her kisses lazy and unhurried. James wanted nothing to do with unhurried. He wanted to take the charge of fury that still coursed through him and release it through bruised lips and gasping moans.

She didn't stop him when his hands skimmed the planes of her body, pressing hard at the jut of her hips, or when his fingers dipped into her knickers. Dipped into _her_.

He was rough and fast and she _liked_ it, judging by the way she clenched against his fingers while he sucked dark bruises into her neck. Still, she wasn't reciprocating, wasn't helping him along in his quest to unleash. Rin just rubbed her hands along his arms, a gentle urging to continue. She came breathy and quiet and her answering kiss revealed he had failed to unlock any fire within her.

He was starting to question if maybe she just didn't have any hidden passion to find.

When his hands went to his belt buckle, she reached out and stopped him.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

James could have happily lived without hearing that question.

"Peachy," he said against the skin of her neck.

She gently pushed him back. "You don't seem okay."

He focused on his breathing until the urge to answer with something biting had left him. His behavior was erratic, and he knew it. There was no point in becoming cross because she did too.

From past experience, he knew that his glasses had a terrible way of magnifying the manic glint in his eyes that he got when he was furious. It made him look like a coked up serial killer or something equally sinister. Honestly, she was a bit mad to have gotten into a broom cupboard with him in the first place, all things considered.

"I don't want to talk about it," James said.

Rin nodded along as if this were perfectly fair. "That's fine, but I'm not here for you to _not_ talk."

James was unsure whether she was referring to here as in the broom cupboard or here as in the planet. Either way, he was pretty sure he was fucking up the whole respect women thing.

He just felt like he needed to put his cock in something. It wouldn't make him feel any better but hopefully he'd be too tired to feel the pulse of his anger when it was over.

"I'm having a row with a mate," James said shortly.

"You Gryffindors are all so dramatic," Rin laughed, failing to acknowledge how serious a thing it was for James to tell her in the first place.

As utterly unfair as it was, James found himself feeling resentful of how reasonably she was handling everything. A Gryffindor girl would have slapped him or demanded answers. They wouldn't act like his shite was only mildly bothersome. Hell, look at how supposedly calm and collected Mary had fucking punched a bloke ten centimeters taller than her on a whim. A Gryffindor girl would let him have it and by the end his head would be on a bit more straight.

Rin was content to let him keep on like a twat.

"This was a bad idea," James said.

Rin didn't disagree with him.

"Listen, I'm not cross, and I like you, but maybe take a few days to think and then we'll have a talk," Rin said in what had to be the most blasé tone a girl had ever used while chucking a bloke.

"Let's just forget today happened," James said.

Rin shook her head. "It's not just today. I'm not offended or hurt or whatever, but in the last week you've showed up late for our date, snogged another girl – the same girl you went on a picnic-date with – gotten into a muggle-fight over said girl, and this is the first time you've even tried to talk to me since."

In his defense, it's not like they were exclusive.

When James didn't argue, Rin shrugged casually, "Hogsmeade Saturday, I'll buy you a butterbeer if you want. After you sort yourself out, yeah?"

"Make it a fire whiskey."

It took actual effort to force himself to be charming.

Rin didn't stay after that, which left him free to jerk off and then think about what he was supposed to fucking do next.

As unpleasantly as things had gone with Rin, it had actually helped a lot. He was in control again. Feeling like a right twat proved a great distraction.

* * *

For the rest of the day, James played hide-and-seek with his mates. They all had their own interests, own lives, but they were still normally attached at the hip. Hours didn't pass without hanging out with one another. Not for the Marauders.

James couldn't row with Remus without it roping in his other friends though, so he thought it best to just ignore them all. Considering his mates had a magical map that could locate him at any given point, this involved actual sprinting through the castle to avoid them. Eventually, they got the message and just left him alone.

Not one to brood, James took all of his resentment and anger towards Remus and channeled it into preparation for the Prefects' meeting that night. He'd actually _studied_ for the damn thing. His friendships may have been falling to shite, but he was going to win that bet if it killed him.

James was the first student to arrive at the meeting, seeing as he'd skived off dinner. He'd have to sneak down to the kitchens later. That was fine by him. The watercress sandwiches served in the Great Hall were somehow always soggier than the ones the elves prepared for him when he visited the kitchens personally. He thought they might be more motivated to please when a wizard was standing right next to them.

While the prefects slowly filed into the room – they were holding the meeting in a Transfiguration classroom on the fourth floor – James wrote out the agenda on the board. This allowed him to miss when Remus walked in, which had been at least sixty percent of the point.

Auction

Brainstorm

Robes

Ideas

Rounds

Questions

"What's the difference between 'Brainstorm' and 'Ideas'?" Lily asked, appearing at his shoulder. Practically against his will, his brain catalogued that she looked exceptionally beautiful just then.

"Just you wait and see. I've got this, Lily," James smiled.

He was pretty excited to show off how prepared he was for everything. Even the prospect of having to turn around and face Remus was less daunting in the face of his impending victory.

"We all here?" James asked loudly, casting his eye about the array of faces as if he would recognize if anyone was missing.

He settled down atop McGonagall's desk, feet swinging off the floor. Like the picture-perfect head girl she was, Lily remained primly standing.

"Right, so let's get started. Last Monday, Professor Dumbledore invited me and Evans to his office to discuss what we can do to improve student morale. Basically, you're all a bunch of depressing little wankers and Dumbledore's sick of running a school where no one remembers how to smile," James said.

He ignored the glare Lily gave him for language. All he had to do to win this portion of the bet was have the prefects vote at the end of the month that they preferred him to Lily. He didn't have to act like a bloody angel to do that. In fact, it was probably best that he remain as irreverent as possible.

"Sunday's auction was event one. It was last minute, which is why we didn't run it by any of your first or ask for your help. It was only the first event, however, as Dumbledore wants us to continue our efforts to cheer everyone up," James explained. "To open today, we're going to spend a few minutes going over how the auction went, what could have been done to improve it, and any backend work that we need to address before moving on. Alright?"

To his surprise, he found that he was really enjoying himself. It made sense – all eyes on him, students nodding along respectfully. Of course, he ate that shit up.

"All of the money raised at the auction is going to be donated to Eloise Fray's Foundation for Witches in Need. As most of you probably heard, there were some unpleasant rumors going around this weekend regarding sexual violence at an illicit party. That shit is not okay, and just because nothing actually happened this weekend, doesn't mean nothing ever does happen. So we chose to give our support to this great organization that helps out women in need," James said.

Some students looked uncomfortable at the direction of the conversation, but mostly he received nods of approval from the gathered prefects. He could actually feel Lily's gaze boring into him as she processed his words. This wasn't news to her, but judging by how unflatteringly shocked she had been on Sunday, he figured she was still coming to terms with it.

"Lupin, can you give us a report on how much money we made?" James ordered sharply.

Considering his current mood, James probably wouldn't have asked except Remus had handled most of the logistics, and James didn't actually know how much money they'd raised. Remus looked a little surprised at being addressed so harshly but obediently stood up to deliver his findings.

"We raised a total of one hundred thirty-six galleons and seven knuts from the auction. As we were able to pull off the event by borrowing all of our supplies and students volunteered, there were no expenses, and we are able to donate the total of our earnings," Remus said.

James whistled. That was a lot more than he had been expecting. He supposed that there had been bidding wars that drove the price up for a few blokes, himself included. A lot of that number was coming out of James' own allowance. Still, he was pretty impressed with their work.

"Ideas for how we could have done better?" James asked.

James wasn't surprised when Lisa Little raised her hand to speak. She was one of the few prefects that took her position seriously and was a shoe-in for Head Girl next year.

"I know it was last-minute, but in the future, more prep time would be helpful. That way we could have advertised the event and decorated a bit more. There were some students who didn't know it was happening and missed it entirely, which means we could have raised even more money and maybe there could have been like an opening number where all the participants did a dance or something. Just more organization," she said.

James nodded, "I agree. The auction needed to be timely to address the rumors that had circulated and make clear Hogwarts' position on violence against women, but we'll have more time to plan the next one. Yes, Selwyn?"

"If you're trying to raise more money, you should have charged admission at the door," she recommended.

"The point of the event was to improve student morale. Why would we want to prevent students from entering?" Clarisse Brown pointed out.

"I'm not saying a galleon for admission, like a knut," Serena Selwyn argued.

"Some students don't have a knut to spare," said Vince Potts who happened to be dating Clarisse Brown.

"You can just say the Weasleys," Capheus Burke snorted.

James could see both sides' point. More money for people in need was obviously something to celebrate, but their mandate was to cheer up the students of Hogwarts not raise funds. He wasn't entirely sure how to mediate the argument that was brewing either.

A glance over at Lily showed she was biting her lip and watching the prefects bicker. He figured that she knew the best answer but was holding it back as James was supposed to be running the show. James didn't like having to make a decision on the spot. He wasn't sure if he was going to make the right one and would have liked to discuss it with Lily or Remus first.

Such was the burden of leadership.

"I see all your points," James said, holding his hands up to silence them. "I think that Brown is right and that we have to accept all students into the events, but maybe we could have prefects manning the door and asking for donations beforehand. That way if students don't plan on participating in the actual events they can still give a little to help."

Whether his decision was actually brilliant or they just all respected his authority was unclear, but the prefects did shut up at that, for which he was very grateful.

"Anything else?" he asked.

Finally, Lily chimed in. He had wondered if she planned to just remain a silent shadow the entire meeting. It would have been similar to what James used to do in these meetings, although his presence was always more aloof and Lily was watching the proceedings far too closely to feign disinterest.

"It seems a shame to have done all this and not get a bit more out of it. I mean, is there a way to raise a bit more awareness for the cause? I spoke to some students and learned they didn't realize what the auction was designed to support," Lily said.

"Yeah, and the article in the _Hogwarts Daily Mail_ barely mentioned it," one of the fifth year Hufflepuff prefect agreed. "It was, like, one line in the fourth paragraph."

"Who here writes for the paper?" James asked.

One of the lot of over-achievers had to be on staff. Sure enough, three hands rose into the air.

"Great. Sours, do you think you can write an article highlighting the Fray Foundation?" James asked.

He shrugged. "Sure. It couldn't go out earlier than the Thursday edition, but I can do it."

"I want front page," James ordered.

"Not sure about that, Potter. Prewett tends to reserve the front page for gossip pieces, you know? Catch the eye of the reader and all that," Fredo said.

"Tell Prewett she gives us Thursday's front page and I'll owe her a personal favor," James said.

There were a lot of ways a favor from James could come in handy, whether in selling papers with something salacious on the Marauders or in helping out with a bit of mischief. Elaine Prewett would be a fool to turn him down. Though James had heard she wasn't exactly the brightest student Ravenclaw house had ever seen.

"If we care about publicity, for the next event, I can talk to my father," Pandora Brown offered. "He works at the Prophet and could get an actual reporter to cover it, help raise awareness outside of Hogwarts as well."

James clapped his hands together and rubbed them enthusiastically. "That's the kind of thinking I'm looking for."

Pandora beamed.

"Would Dumbledore let a reporter on the grounds?" Remus asked.

"Greenberg, you find out what the Headmaster thinks," James delegated.

He felt good about the pace at which things were moving. People were agreeing with his ideas and scribbling down notes. It was so much easier to care when he was in charge too, his normal apathy about these things completely absent.

"Anything else?" he repeated. When no one spoke up, he moved on. "Alright, then. Any ideas for event number two?"

Here, the prefects proved less helpful. None of them seemed willing to offer the first idea. Floundering, the silence stretched on as James waited for someone to volunteer and save him.

"We could have a Quidditch tourney," James said. He had been hoping someone would offer something better as Lily had already expressed her disapproval of this idea, but he had nothing else. "Let people form their own teams and play out the matches. Then, have the final few matches be big events."

"They'll all want to book the pitch for practice, Captain," Henrick Higgles said in horror.

His beater made an excellent point. James and the other captains booked the pitch pretty regularly and would not want to share with a team of first years. Higgles, who took the sport very seriously, had been right to point out this serious conflict.

"It would be _fun_ though to give everyone a chance to play," said another prefect.

"We could limit the number of teams," Dorcas Meadowes supplied. "Everyone who wants to play puts their name on a list and we draw twenty-eight at random. Four teams won't interfere with official practices that much. Then, you have three matches, and we collect donations at all three."

James had _serious_ doubts about whether anyone would want to watch a match of randomly compiled players. The quality of the teams would be abysmal.

"A positive there would be the teamwork between members of different houses. Increased inter-house unity is one of our goals this year," Lily said speculatively.

At the start of term, Lily had made a list of five goals that she wanted the prefects to work towards during her tenure as head girl. James couldn't have named a single goal on the list.

"So there are some kinks to be worked out before we can move forward with this one. Greenberg, Higgles, and Travers, meet up and discuss the best way to organize something like this and we'll discuss if it's feasible at the next meeting," James directed.

They would make a good team. Travers was smart and the other two were on the Gryffindor team, so they knew their Quidditch. Hopefully, they could pull something together.

"What about a ball?" Kelly Brown asked.

There were nine million Browns at Hogwarts at any given point. There were two amongst the prefects: cousins, Pandora and Kelly. Pandora was a fairly kind Hufflepuff. Kelly was pure evil and in Slytherin.

Titters of approval erupted throughout the room at her suggestion as if she wasn't human vitriol. They were accompanied by several masculine groans. James should have seen this coming.

"No. Any other ideas?" he said.

Brown gasped, affronted. "What do you mean, 'no?' People would love a ball! If you want to cheer up the student body, this is the way."

James pinched the bridge of his nose.

"No balls because they're awful. They're chaperoned to start, so nothing fun can actually happen. The bloke you go with won't just transform into your dream date because he puts on dress robes. He'll disappoint your expectations and you'll end up crying on the steps while your girlfriends comfort you, which means their dates are ending the night alone, which means literally no one is happy. You know, the point of the entire thing. Plus, I guarantee some third years are going to decide that's the night to do it, and now we've got a slew of underage pregnancies on our hands. Is that what you want, Brown?"

Kelly shook her head mutely. James would have felt bad if it were anyone else.

"Obviously, we don't condone illicit parties," Lily said, ignoring the snickers at her hypocrisy, "but if any of you are really so desperate to dress up, throw a formal party and be done with it."

A few of the girls still looked mutinous at his dismissal, but everyone settled down after that. He shot Lily a look of gratitude for her interference, and she smiled back at him.

"How about a day where we all switch houses and you see what it's like for everyone else? A day where you eat with a mix of other houses and sleep in a different dormitory," suggested Sharon Ward, who was really such a sweetheart.

James had snogged her last year.

"That sounds awful," Daniel Mulciber spat. "Why would anyone want to be a Hufflepuff for a day?"

Sharon bristled at the attack on her house, but James had to agree with the Slytherin. He had no desire to spend a day without his mates and sleep in a Slytherin's bed. There was no fucking point to it.

"I think we can do better," James said.

"So, what? Only your ideas are any good?" Brown demanded, still stuck on her rejected ball idea.

"So far," James snapped, which he realized wasn't appropriate.

There was some hostile murmuring, especially from the Slytherins, and Sharon looked like she might cry. If he didn't backpedal, he would have a revolt on his hands.

"What about a scavenger hunt for the younger students? The auction was fun, but not really great for a first year. We could hide things around the castle and leave clues and whoever wins gets a prize at the end," volunteered Adrian Pratt.

"I like that," Lily said simply.

It did not escape James' attention that the two shared a flirtatious look. Pratt wasn't half-bad looking. For some reason, he found himself oddly embittered with Pratt's idea.

(And, alright, James was not so oblivious that he couldn't recognize that what he was feeling was jealousy; he just didn't want to think about it.)

"Fine, Pratt, work with Sharma and Potts to generate more ideas about a scavenger hunt for the next meeting," James said through gritted teeth. "The rest of you, brainstorm more ideas for the next meeting. Don't come with just a thought though. Plan it out a bit. I want to be able to move forward quickly. Next on the agenda, we received an anonymous suggestion that we alter the dress code to no longer require robes during classes. Thoughts?"

Rookwood looked disgruntled. "Then what would we wear?"

"Dunno, trousers and a shirt? Something class appropriate," James said.

"Muggle clothes?" Rookwood spat.

In the past three years, muggle street clothes had become the fashion for many students. People frequently wore jumpers to meals and button-downs underneath their robes. James was pretty sure the popularity of this trend had come from blokes' desire to see the girls wear skirts more often. Some students balked at this trend, however, and continued to wear their robes everywhere. Rookwood was one such student.

"No one's trying to ban robes," James said. "But it would be nice to wear something lighter if you want come May."

Murmurs of assent there.

"Quick vote. Raise your hand if you think this is worth presenting to the professors?"

It was a close one. None of the Slytherin prefects raised their hands, and there were some holdouts from all the other houses as well.

"It's _tradition_ ," Celia Vance said earnestly. "And conformity is healthy. Who knows how students will dress?"

"Well, the ayes still have it, though your concerns have been noted. Ward and Brown, by which I mean Kelly, you two work out a dress code. We'll need one when we present the idea, and Shafiq and Lupin, write up the rest of the proposal," James ordered.

He purposefully assigned Brown to appease the Slytherins. Despite her disapproval of the proposal, James could tell she was excited to get to dictate the sartorial choices of the student body. He just hoped she could work well with Sharon who was a muggleborn. Normally, he wouldn't have paired them together, but they needed a muggleborn with a better understanding of muggle fashion to be a part of the process.

"Next, any ideas on anything else? I know it's broad, but anything we should know or do?" James asked.

"It'd be nice to do a bit more for Halloween this year, rather than just the feast," Lily said.

James nodded. "We already needed to create a committee to plan the feast. You'll all just need to come up with ideas on how to make it different from every other year."

"What about tradition do you despise so much, Potter?" Mulciber asked nastily.

Clearly, James' style of running the meeting was not gaining him popularity with the Slytherins. It was a good thing he didn't care.

"My problem is that I think we're cooler than our fucking parents, who had the exact same feast when they celebrated Halloween here. I think we can do better," James snapped.

He assigned four more prefects to the Halloween committee.

"You already put me on planning the scavenger hunt," Sharma complained. "Why am I the only person with two jobs?"

James thought this was a bit bold coming from a fifth year. He supposed the kid was in Gryffindor for a reason.

Truthfully, James just didn't know the names of any of the remaining prefects. He knew seventeen out of twenty-three, which he thought was pretty decent. (The odd number was because Remus had been permitted to stay on as prefect when James became head boy, so there was one seventh year Gryffindor that year). All of those he knew had already been given jobs.

He tried to play it off, "Fine. You're just on the scavenger hunt. If I haven't given you a job yet, join a committee. I don't care which one."

There, that worked, though Lily's smile was a bit too knowing.

Up to that point, James was prepared to call his first run at heading a prefects' meeting a rousing success. He was a natural. Leadership had always been something his father had tried to instill in him. People were quick to fall into line when he spoke, and he thought all of his contributions had been pretty decent.

Where it all fell apart was when he passed out the new rounds schedule. He was very quickly made aware that perhaps there was a reason Lily spent so long laboring over it each week. The schedule James had created with only a few minutes of thought did not pass muster. At least, that was according to the two-dozen prefects now bellowing at him.

"You know I can't do Thursdays! It's on the commitment list from the start of term!"

"I _won't_ patrol with that cheating berk!"

"Are you trying to get me murdered? That death eater wannabe is going to off me!"

Nearly everyone had a reason as to why their assignment just wouldn't work. He shot a glare at Lily who had looked over his schedule last week and hadn't warned him. She shrugged unapologetically, though her eyes weren't entirely unsympathetic.

"Enough!" James had to shout over the din. "Clearly there was a mix up with this week's schedule. Evans must have gotten confused when she put it together. Same schedule as last week and we'll put something together for next, yeah?"

This solution calmed the mass of prefects but earned him one extremely brassed off Lily. Apparently shifting all the blame to her wasn't a friendly gesture. But he was trying to win the prefects over! He couldn't have them thinking he was incompetent.

The meeting wrapped up quickly after that. No one had any more questions, and people wanted to get back to friends or pressing homework.

James wanted to make his escape quickly too to avoid an irate Lily, but Remus was waiting to walk back with him, and he fancied that even less.

"Coming, James?" Remus asked.

James smiled falsely and placed a comradely hand on his shoulder. "Fuck off, Moons."

Remus seemed unsure whether James was joking or not. Ultimately, he must have decided James was being at least somewhat serious because he left with a hasty farewell.

When he turned around, Lily was sitting on the desk, arms crossed and face pinched with annoyance.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" Lily demanded.

"I thought everything went rather well."

"You are so irresponsible. You know, I've read that the ability to lie so easily is a sign of psychopathy. It explains a lot," Lily said snottily.

"If I recall correctly, you looked over that schedule and said it was fine," James pointed out. "What exactly was that if not a lie?"

"I never said it was fine. I just failed to warn you," Lily said without an ounce of guilt. "This is a _competition_ , Potter. You shouldn't expect me to make things easy for you."

"Then you should expect me to lie."

Speaking of expectations, James had anticipated more of a fight. He hadn't acted like the paragon of good sportsmanship, and Lily usually lived for the moments where she could tell him just what a sorry excuse for a human being he was.

So, he was completely surprised when her glare turned contemplative, and she asked, "What was that just now with Remus?"

She was getting wilier with her attacks.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Seriously?"

"What do you care?" James asked tersely.

Lily shrugged. "I don't. It's just everyone's fighting right now, and it's kind of sad to see you join in. I've never seen you row with your mates before."

It only then occurred to James that he had broken their unspoken code of hiding any tension amongst the Marauders from outsiders. He had felt so comfortable in Lily's presence that she hadn't even registered as an interloper in his mind. That or he was too furious to think straight.

Yeah, probably the latter.

"If you're so sick of rowing, you could just make nice with Williams. You've been ignoring her for whatever made up reason for what? A week now?" James said.

When confronted with a topic you don't want to face, go on the attack. Make them defend themselves. Rule number four in Fleamont Potter's guide to life – and no it wasn't a real, official handbook, but it might as well have been with how intently James' had studied his father's lessons over the years.

"Oh, so my reason for fighting with Alice is silly, but yours for fighting with Remus is legitimate? Go on. Share, then," Lily said.

"You first."

They would be here all night at this rate.

To his surprise though, Lily sighed and stared off at the wall as if she was actually considering opening up to him. In many ways, James didn't actually care. He made a point to stay out of other people's problems because he found them boring. That Lily would share with him of all people was too fascinating to pass up though, so he took a seat on the desk alongside her and waited.

"Do you remember when McIntyre dumped her for Alice Sprout last year?" Lily asked.

James shrugged. Sure he did. There had been a lot of wailing and cursing. For a time, a picture of McIntyre had even been hung in the common room to use as a dartboard.

"Well, before that it's not like Alice liked girly things because she didn't, but afterwards, she just got so _mean_ about it. These rude little comments all the time. And she's not just taking the mickey. She genuinely thinks we're all stupid tarts because we wear makeup and talk about boys and like gossip," Lily said.

James supposed it would be obnoxious if say Peter suddenly disdained all their interests. He wouldn't just cut him out though. The connection to what this had to do with McIntyre also alluded him.

"The girls just got sick of it. I mean, it's like Alice doesn't even really like us."

"What about you, then? Something clearly set you off, and don't tell me it was a few unkind barbs because Alice has been like this for _months_ , and you haven't had a problem," James said.

"This doesn't leave the room," Lily ordered.

James nodded. They were officially exchanging secrets as strange as that was.

Begrudgingly, Lily began, "I _care_ about what people think of me. I know I shouldn't, but I do. So, when Alice became so judgmental, I didn't get angry like the other girls. I just really wanted to prove her wrong about me. I did all these things just to impress her, to make her think I wasn't vapid like other girls. I didn't even resent her for it, or at least, I didn't think I did. Historically, I have this bad habit where I surround myself with people with high expectations because it makes me feel good to impress them…it's part of why I never cared for you."

"I don't follow."

"For whatever reason, you just always liked me. I never had to try with you," Lily said with a small smile.

Never in his life had it been suggested that James had low expectations of other people. In fact, he had frequently been accused of having a superiority complex. He thought he was better than just about everyone. The circle of people that James liked and respected was small and exclusive. He didn't know how to process what Lily was telling him.

James would have pressed the issue, but Lily was already moving on, "So, I probably would have kept on forcing myself to be something I'm not for Alice except for the thestral debacle. It was my idea, but I was like, joking when I suggested it, but Alice got so excited, and I knew that if I backed out she would make a big deal about how I was a coward. So, I did it, and everything went wrong and afterwards, she just acted so stupid about it. She didn't get it at all. And suddenly, I was thinking, _this_ is the girl I've tried so hard to impress all this time? Her?"

"I don't care what people think of me, but I do care about my mates," James said. "It's normal."

"But not to that level. It shouldn't be that hard," Lily said sadly. "I try so hard all the time because it feels like everyone in my life will toss me aside if I fail them: my parents, Alice, Sev, Petunia. I'm _tired_."

James didn't know what to say. He knew nothing about her relationships with these people. Hell, he wasn't even sure who Petunia was. On top of that, he never had to try with the people he cared about. All of his relationships were comfortable…except, he supposed with his father. He did know what it felt like to try there.

"Does Alice know this?" James asked.

Lily's look of disbelief confirmed that she did not. Right, Lily did not characteristically share her weaknesses. Tonight was an anomaly.

"Sounds to me like she's going through something because of McIntyre. Maybe if you helped her sort that out, everything could return to normal," James said.

"Alice doesn't talk about Rory. And how hurtful would that be? 'Hey, Alice, want to talk about how you're insecure ever since your boyfriend threw you over for the walking personification of the color pink?'" Lily said.

"Can't be much worse than having all your mates turn on you," James said.

Lily winced at that.

"I miss her," Lily said quietly. "But she's rude constantly with no apology, and I just…I'd forgive her if she did, you know?"

"Do what you want, but it sounds to me like you need to explain this to her," James said.

He was trying to ignore that it looked like tears were gathering in Lily's eyes. She wiped at them hurriedly.

"Your turn."

"Not much to say. I found out Remus slept with my ex-girlfriend while we were still dating," James said, trying to sound detached even though saying it out loud for the first time was like a blow to the stomach.

"Caroline Adams?" Lily asked with a frown.

Caroline had been James' last serious girlfriend when he was in fifth year. She had been a seventh year, and their relationship had just naturally disintegrated with her impending graduation from Hogwarts. That had also been the year he couldn't stop asking Lily out, so that hadn't helped matters particularly.

"No, Dahlia Reynolds."

Lily looked confused. "You dated Dahlia Reynolds? I thought she was just like, stalking you. Was this over the summer?"

"We didn't date for very long. It was the start of term," James said, a tiny bit embarrassed.

"How did I miss that you had a girlfriend?" Lily wondered aloud.

"Well, we weren't very serious. She wasn't even really my girlfriend. We dated casually, she started calling herself my girlfriend, she shagged my best mate, we broke up," James said.

"I think you need to walk me through this," Lily said.

So, he did, and as it turned out, there was actually a lot to say on the matter. He recounted his conversation from that afternoon, his short-lived relationship with Dahlia, downplaying how he ended things, and even Remus's betrayal of faith from Saturday. When it was all over, Lily's frown had deepened.

"So this isn't a jealousy thing? You don't have feelings for Dahlia?" Lily said.

"Of course not," James said as if such a thing was impossible rather than the normal reaction to cheating.

"And Remus knew that?"

He nodded. His anxiety over how to chuck Dahlia as she started to get more serious had manifested in schemes in their dormitory on how best to do it. Remus had known.

"If he really likes her, it must have been hard for him to watch you two together, especially if he knew you didn't appreciate her," Lily said gently.

James had never heard something so irrelevant in his life.

"And?"

"And, it just sounds like you're upset because he hurt your ego. He took something of yours, and even if you didn't want it anymore, it bothers you," Lily said.

Rather than saying something nasty (and James was tempted), he said, "Dahlia never belonged to me. Stop objectifying women, Evans. Geez."

That made her laugh.

"Sorry if I offended your sensibilities," Lily said, smiling.

"Apology accepted," he allowed. "Careful, though. I won't forgive you three times in one day."

"I'll be on my best behavior," Lily promised.

She knocked her shoulder against his playfully. And even though James hadn't liked what she had to say about Remus, he found he was glad he'd told her anyway.

The walk back to Gryffindor Tower gave him plenty of time to think. Maybe, just maybe, he was angry because Dahlia choosing Remus over him had hurt his ego like Lily suggested. He was accustomed to being adored. No one had ever thrown him over before.

He could rationalize and say he felt betrayed that Remus had gone behind his back and kept secrets from him. No one would fault him for being angry at that. But…it just wasn't true.

When he entered the dorm, his mates abruptly stopped talking. A quick glance at Peter's face screwed up in an awkward attempt at innocence confirmed that they had been talking about him.

Remus stood up from his bed and crossed over to James. He looked so tired – dark circles more like bruises beneath his eyes and skin pallid. He looked like the full moon was around the corner instead of weeks away.

He had such an unfairly hard life. While they all worried about stupid shit like girls and Quidditch, Remus counted down the days until his every bone would snap clean in half. He made lists of employers that would hire werewolves and worried how he would help him mum pay the bills if he couldn't find a decent job.

Every bit of pain and worry left a mark on Remus's face. And still, it was a face that James associated with joy, with open-mouthed laughter that made his nose crinkle up and with eyes whose twinkling gave Dumbledore a run for his money.

"Listen, James –" Remus began.

"Shut up," James ordered.

Before Remus could argue, James closed the distance between them and brought Remus's frail body against his own for a hug so tight it made James' arms ache. Neither were huggers – what seventeen year old boy hugged anyone but his girl and his mum? – but Remus did not hesitate to return the hug and it was warm and it was good and if James felt wet drops of tears seep through his shirt, he didn't say anything.

Apologies _were_ strange things. And sometimes you didn't need one at all.

Score  
Lily: 5 - James: 5

Number of time James failed to consider someone's feelings: 4  
Number of times James misread Lily: 1  
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 1


	16. Oct. 11: Of Slytherins, The Bad and The Ugly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only posted chapter 15 yesterday, due to an error on my part, so if you haven't read that yet, go back one. Thanks for reading!

* * *

**Oct. 11, 1977**

There were three things that Lily Evans would never admit on pain of death. Hand to the bible, she would lie through her teeth and face the fires of hell for her perjury before she would ever say these three things out loud.

The first was that Lily had been the one to eat all of Petunia's Easter candy when they were nine. So terrified of her sister's ire – and it had been awe-inducing – she had sworn on their very sisterhood that she was innocent. It had taken tears, accusations that Tuney must not love her if she didn't trust her darling, little sister, and an epic temper tantrum to finally convince Petunia of her innocence. Her father had taken the fall in Petunia's eyes. The man had always had a penchant for chocolate.

After all of that fuss, Lily would be damned if she would ever confess now.

The second was that Lily had lied when she told Marlene that she couldn't tell the girl had gained wait over the summer last year. She _could_. It had been a lie of mercy. Heaven knew what kind of absurd diet Marlene would have embarked on after floods of tears had Lily told the truth. She felt no guilt there.

The third was a bit broader.

Under no circumstances, in any situation, would Lily admit that she felt even marginally threatened by James Potter. It was like any time she was in James' general proximity the song "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" started buzzing through her head, transforming her into some kind of super-charged character in a musical with no common sense.

After last night's prefects' meeting, Lily was feeling very threatened.

Despite a couple of hiccups, James had done an excellent job leading the meeting. He had a somewhat unconventional style, but the prefects had actually worked with him in generating ideas. For Lily, it was a Herculean labor to get the group to pay attention when she spoke, let alone participate. Most of them were just counting down the minutes until they could return back to their common rooms.

They _liked_ James though. He made them laugh and feel like they were a part of something meaningful. Even the Slytherins cared enough to argue back and forth with him.

Lily understood the appeal. He had an easy authority that made people sit up and listen. That kind of presence had been obvious since he was eleven years old. Years of being Quidditch Captain had only further honed what was a natural talent.

If he could continue to lead meetings like that, shifting all blame for his failures onto Lily, and coming up with great ideas, he could very well end up winning the bet. Lily knew he was smart enough to do well in his classes if he applied the effort, and the events would go swimmingly as long as he made up with Remus and enlisted his help, seeing as Remus was a natural-born event-planner.

She was still in the lead with week one of the bet officially over, but three weeks was a long time, and who knew what kind of strides Potter could make given the motivation.

Haunted by the possibility of losing to James, Lily had stayed up well past four in the morning the night before, plotting out increasingly over-the-top pranks. She had learned her lesson from the thestral incident. Everything she planned would be innocuous or, at the very least, contained enough so as to not cause another incident of mass hysteria.

She had some good ideas – tricky but good.

Last week, she had managed to barely scrape out ten pranks, but she hadn't really done much in the way of increasing her public presence to the Hogwarts student population. No one knew she was responsible. She was no closer to becoming some sort of symbol of irreverent fun like James was than she had been before the bet was started.

Today would be a nonstop onslaught of fun. She'd already completed one prank for the week yesterday – setting Peeves off on the east-wing staircase that led to the dungeons– and now she had nine left and six days to go.

The ironic part was that for a day of "fun" she had never looked so miserable. It was the lack of sleep. Her coloring was the type that couldn't really hide baggy under-eye circles, and she'd prioritized a couple extra minutes of sleep over her usually thorough makeup routine.

It made her shifty and uncomfortable. She had less confidence in every aspect of her life when she knew she didn't look her best.

Prank one had been targeted at her beloved Marlene. Things had gone back to normal amongst Mary, Marlene, and Lily, but there was a lingering tension. Marlene was adamantly refusing to discuss her breakdown from before, and they were moving on as if nothing had happened.

The result was that things were a little dour between the three of them.

Lily's prank on Marlene had been as innocent as can be. She'd presented Marlene with a charmed sticker of a teddy bear that Lily made her promise to wear on her robes throughout the day. Delightfully, every time Marlene did something well, the sticker would shout out compliments.

A correct answer in class earned a whispered, "Wow! You're the best!"

Clever comments were greeted with, "You're a shooting star!"

When Marlene poured herself a cup of tea without spilling anything, the sticker cheered, "Look at you go!"

On the annoying to adorable spectrum, it was maybe functioning at about fifty/fifty. Marlene could have lived without the near constant accolades, but she couldn't hide the pink of her blush when one of the compliments delighted her.

It provided a nice backdrop of positivity for the day that the girls had desperately needed. Plus, it gave Marlene something to pretend to complain about. Generally, Marlene's anger never manifested in stormy blowouts or icy silence. She favored a barrage of bitter, little comments that were _just_ this side of passive-aggressive. Giving her something to complain about other than them was a strategic decision.

It was lunch now, which was the perfect time to start on her next prank. Lily had figured that another display in Transfiguration was just asking for trouble and had decided to wait until now to begin; sometimes McGonagall scared her.

Lily sat down next to a group of Gryffindor fourth years, who all looked surprised at the attention.

"Hullo. Do you see this jug of pumpkin juice here?" Lily asked, gesturing to the jug in her hands. "I've mixed it with a potion. If you are brave enough to drink it, you'll experience some pretty cool side effects for the rest of the day."

The fourth years exchanged confused glances.

"Like what?" asked Rose Bare, who Lily was fond of to an almost ridiculous degree – she was a red-haired Gryffindor named after a flower. They were practically sisters as far as Lily was concerned.

"I'm not going to tell you ahead of time. Nothing painful though. It's an opt-in kind of prank, so you don't have to do it," Lily explained, standing up. "Of course, if you're not brave enough to give it a try, you might as well go over and sit with the Hufflepuffs, yeah?"

Lily repeated variations of the same speech up and down the Gryffindor table. Ultimately, it looked like the vast majority of students agreed to take a sip of the potion even though they did so with a lot of grimacing and moaning about how they would do her in if anything too weird happened. Really, her house was almost too easy. She had a hard time imagining a Ravenclaw would ever willingly drink an unknown potion brewed by someone else just to show off their bravery, or for any other reason frankly.

The effects of the potion slowly revealed themselves as a host of Gryffindor student's skin transformed into an array of different colors.

"This is what all this build-up was about?" Sirius demanded, eyeing his blue tinged skin skeptically. "Changing the color of someone's skin is kind of third year, don't you think?"

"It's not really funny," Peter agreed. The color of his skin was currently reminiscent to a lima bean.

Lily tossed her hair imperiously behind her shoulder. She was feeling far too self-satisfied to let their skepticism phase her. They were right, of course. There was nothing particularly clever about skin-color alteration on its own, which was why it was a good thing that her prank was far more involved than that.

"I'm assuming you've never heard of a mood ring," Lily said. When she was met with blank faces, she continued. "Right, so it's a muggle invention that tracks changes in your body temperature and then changes colors to reflect that. The idea is that your body heats up when you experience a strong emotion, so the color reflects the wearer's mood."

"Are you saying the colors show our mood?" Shelia asked.

"Exactly! Though this is far more accurate because, you know, magic. It'll change as you're emotions change too. You won't just be purple all day," Lily explained.

Lily searched through her satchel until she could find the sheet of parchment on which she had scribbled out all the colors and their corresponding emotions. She presented it smugly to Sirius who immediately began to scan the document.

_Pink – very happy, affectionate_  
Violet – love  
Burgundy – mischievous, sensual, amorous  
Dark-blue – deeply relaxed  
Blue – normal, peaceful  
Blue-green – upbeat, flirtatious  
Green – guarded, jealous  
Light-green – normal, no stress  
Peridot – mixed emotions, stressed, worried  
Orange – upset, nervous  
Yellow – mellow  
Black – fear, depressed, intense 

"I am reluctantly impressed," Sirius announced. "This must have taken a fair bit of magic."

"Oh, yes. I combined a color charm with a –"

Sirius held up a hand dramatically. "Please, don't get confused. Just because I'm impressed doesn't mean I want to hear about it. Save that for Remus. He'll be fascinated."

"I think it's really clever, Lily," offered Dorcas Meadowes, a sixth year Gryffindor.

"Clever? It's bloody brilliant," Shelia said. "I'm going to go ask Jerome about that lunch he had with Diana Urquart and see what color he turns. I swear there's something he's been hiding from me."

She marched off, armed with the pitcher of pumpkin juice. Lily had to admire her opportunism. Things would also be a lot quieter in the common room once Shelia was finally convinced of Jerome's innocence. There had been a lot of conspiracy theories and complaining ever since the auction coming from her untrusting friend.

"Where's Potter? Pulling this stuff isn't half as fun when he's not here for me to taunt afterwards," Lily said, not even bothering to scan up and down the table. If he wasn't sitting with Sirius and Peter, he wasn't there.

"He's coming. He and Remus are just…" Peter trailed off.

"Doing something you wouldn't approve of," Sirius volunteered when Lily looked confused. "They're having fun. Leave them alone."

Rather than feeling annoyed at whatever rule-breaking James was getting up to when he was supposed to be imitating typical Lily behavior, Lily found herself smiling. "So they've made up then?"

Peter and Sirius both froze, their skin rapidly turning green. "What do you mean?"

Feeling rather foolish, Lily realized that of course James had not told his mates about their heart-to-heart. She had hardly shared with hers. Lily wasn't supposed to know personal details about James' life.

Her skin turned a kind of pinkish-orange to reflect her sudden embarrassment. The downside of this stupid prank was quickly becoming apparent. If she couldn't hide a blush, she most certainly couldn't hide turning bright orange every time she felt a little anxious.

"I just meant that they seemed…tense at the prefects' meeting last night," Lily hedged unsuccessfully.

"What does orange mean?" Peter whispered to Sirius, searching the table for who had the parchment as it was currently being passed around amongst the Gryffindors.

"It means Evans here is a liar," Sirius returned in a very loud whisper.

Thankfully, Mary changed the subject before Lily was forced to defend herself.

"I don't understand why you chose to tell everyone that the pumpkin juice was a potion ahead of time," commented Mary, who had opted to abstain from participating. "Don't you agree, Marly?"

Marlene shrugged, head bent over her plate.

They'd been trying to coax Marlene into the conversation for a while now with no luck. Any strides Marlene had made in communicating with the boys had been completely destroyed by Mary's overreaction on Sunday. Frankly, Lily was surprised she hadn't stood up and left the table after Sirius and Peter had sat down near them. Everything had returned to how they were last year but a thousand times worse. She wouldn't even look in Sirius's general direction.

"To win the bet, I need to make the student body think I'm some kind of symbol of fun, not just prank them constantly. So far, no one even knows I'm the one behind the pranks this week. Unlike some people," she stared pointedly at Sirius and Peter, "I don't strut around making it obvious when I'm the guilty party, so I need another way to let people know I'm behind everything. Besides, if the student body is going to vote on it at the end of the month, I can't do anything too malicious. That would just make people loathe me."

"You won't be very popular with anyone if people start using this like Shelia is," Sirius said, gesturing to where Shelia was interrogating her orange boyfriend.

"You can't tell me you don't find it at least a little bit funny," Lily said.

"Oh, I find it hilarious, but I'm not the one who decides whether or not you win," Sirius agreed easily as if the concession was nothing.

Whatever Lily would have said next was forgotten as she saw Severus approaching them. Even during their first-go at friendship he had never tried to talk to her while she sat at the Gryffindor table. It was too hard for both of them. Lily's friends had never approved and Sev's certainly hadn't. It was easier to remain friends on the margins.

It made Lily nervous even as it charmed her. He was reckless now. For better or worse, he had decided she was what he wanted and he wasn't going to allow their past issues to get in the way any longer.

Lily would have perhaps appreciated the gesture a tad more if he had better timing. She hadn't yet explained to all of her friends that she had reinitiated their friendship. The opportunity had presented itself countless times yesterday, and yet, each time, Lily had found herself hesitating. Learning now, in front of Sirius who was not known for keeping his sneering mouth shut, was less than ideal.

"Lily, I was going to study in the library later tonight. You want to join me?" Severus asked. He was aiming for casual and maybe would have achieved it if Lily didn't know him better. In his voice she could pick up the strain of tension. He recognized that this was new territory as well.

"Bugger off, Snape. She doesn't want to talk to you," Marlene said sharply. There was no amount of shyness that would stop her from becoming involved where Severus was concerned.

"Wow! You're a good friend," cheered her sticker.

It was with an acute sense of embarrassment that Lily said, "No, Marlene. It's fine. Sev, today probably won't work. I've a million classes and then Heads' work after dinner, but maybe tomorrow."

"Fine," Severus said.

"How's the nose, Sniv? I see Pomfrey didn't make it any smaller when she healed you," Sirius drawled.

Lily felt a rush of annoyance pass through her and settle in her bones. For the first time, she had been in a fairly good place with the Marauders as a whole. Sure, Sirius and Mary weren't speaking and Marlene was somehow managing to avoid Sirius even as he sat across from her, but they were on good terms. They were eating bloody lunch together, for Christ's sake. A reality where all of the Gryffindor seventh years could be friends had been starting to seem inevitable.

It had been so easy to forget how impossible Sirius Black truly was. How he reveled in the opportunity to bully Severus, dig his blunt, boy nails in and make him hurt. It was cruelty for cruelty's sake, and it made her want to give the other side of Sirius's face a bruise to match the one Mary had given him.

She hated having to be reminded of this. Hated that Potter wasn't any better.

"Shove off, Black," Lily snapped. "You're green right now. Maybe you shouldn't be commenting on other people's looks, yeah?"

"Ah, but I'm only green for the moment, and Snape will be a hooked-nose git for the rest of his life, so I feel pretty justified," Sirius said.

It was incredibly frustrating how unaffected he could remain when they argued. He was impervious to Lily's insults. Fighting with Potter had always been better because at least Lily could make him upset or a bit ashamed if she worked at it. Lily was fairly certain that Sirius only valued the opinion of three or four people in the world and none of them were her, so victory with him was impossible.

"It's fine, Lily," Severus said, and she marveled at the fact that he was displaying the maturity to temporarily overlook Sirius's goading. He had never been able to in the past. "I'll see you later. McKinnon. McDonald."

Marlene and Mary frowned at his retreating back. He'd never bothered to acknowledge them in the past. Severus's brief incursion had brought down everyone's mood and they were all variations of orange and black now.

"I like how I'm suddenly not a worthless mudblood now that he wants to be on your good side," Marlene said bitterly.

"You're never worthless and you're never that word," Sirius said sharply. They were the first words he had spoken to Marlene since their lunch on Sunday. "The only people who believe that shite are covering up their own inadequacies."

Marlene's eyes widened, before she ducked her head and muttered something about how it didn't matter. It was hard to remain angry with Sirius for being a prat when faced with the reminder that Severus had made his bed with the same group of arseholes who made Marlene feel as if she didn't belong. Lily hadn't wanted to have to address this issue so soon after unpausing their friendship.

"What was that, Lily?" Mary asked.

"Severus and I have decided to try to be friends again."

"When?" Mary demanded.

"Sunday night."

No one started hurling accusations at her, but Lily felt herself shrinking under the table's disapproval all the same. They didn't _need_ to say anything. Lily was perfectly aware that she was going down a path that promised nothing but heart break, and she was doing it anyway.

"Holy shite, what kind of spliff was that? Moony, they all look black to me right now. Is it racist to say they all look black?"

The terrible silence of recriminations was broken by the arrival of a very stoned James and Remus.

"I see it too," Remus agreed, sounding disturbed.

"One of Evans' little schemes. Here, have a sip of pumpkin juice?" Sirius said, passing them the bewitched drink. Lily noted that Sirius's coloring was already fading to something that represented more pleasant emotions, as if the very presence of his closest friends could chase away all bad thoughts.

"Cheers," Remus said, accepting the drink. To no one's surprise, he and James both turned light-yellow, signaling that they were feeling rather mellow at the moment.

"I cannot believe you took _drugs_ in the castle," Lily hissed, trying to keep her voice down so none of the younger students could hear and start getting ideas about what was cool.

"I can't believe you didn't share your drugs in the castle," chimed in Dorcas Meadowes.

Lily only half-listened as the boys rushed to make plans to invite Dorcas along for their illicit activities some time in the future. She was too outraged to speak. Drugs! In the castle! The Marauders had never respected the rules of propriety, but this was a step too far.

Remus's unrepentant participation was especially shocking. Why had she always thought he merely tolerated his mates' antics rather than being an active participant? The past two days had been rife with revelations about Remus's character, so she shouldn't have been so surprised to learn once more how little she knew him.

While she remained outraged, she did not remain stunned into silence for long.

"Dorcas, stop making plans with them," Lily ordered shortly. "I should honestly report the both of you. I won't _this_ time, but I can't overlook something like this again. And I'll have to take forty points from Gryffindor for this truly shocking display."

For her part, Dorcas looked fairly abashed, mumbling a quick apology. As Lily rather liked the sixth year, she found it easy to move past her questionable recreational interests. James and Remus, on the other hand, showed no signs of remorse or even concern at the points they had just lost.

In fact, James started to giggle, "When you were black earlier, you really were Sirius _Black_."

"Well spotted, mate. That's a good one," Sirius said affectionately.

Lily turned away to focus on Marlene and Mary who were perfectly sensible, lovely girls – not the type to use illicit substances in the middle of the school day. They were also in need of some serious girl-bonding time to try to repair the damage of the past few days, but Lily wasn't lying to Severus. She would be slammed with classes and have no time today. Another thing to add to the schedule, then.

It probably wasn't a healthy practice to start scheduling time with your friends in the same way you make time for your classwork.

"Have you made any decisions about your holiday plans, Marly?" Lily asked. With Sirius now distracted by the arrival of James and Remus, Marlene would be able to communicate like a functioning human being again.

"No, I haven't," Marlene said, sounding enormously pained. "My Halmoni wants me to come visit in Korea, and obviously I love her, but it's _cold_ there. Christmas should be spent somewhere warm and sunny."

"I think you're on your own with that one," Mary pointed out.

"Nothing's better than a white Christmas," Lily agreed. "I'd be happy to sing it for you if you like."

"Lily, you have many talents, but music is not one of them," Marlene pleaded.

This remark was entirely uncalled for as Lily thought she had a perfectly passable singing voice. Sure, she wasn't going to be nailing the deep timber of Bing, but no one would be screaming and covering their ears if she were to start singing. Except for Marlene and Mary who both had zero tolerance for such attention-grabbing behavior at the supper table.

A part of Lily sighed with longing just thinking about the musical. She and Petunia had put on so many shows for their parents growing up where they sang from that very catalogue. Their favorite was of course 'Sisters,' and they would sing about the bond they shared with relish. Neither having any clue that the day would come where they were no longer each other's closest friend and confidant.

"Regardless of the _lies_ you tell yourself about me, Christmas is best spent holed up in your house drinking cocoa because there's four feet of snow on the ground," Lily insisted.

"Well if my mom has her way, we'll be bringing in the New Year in Punta Cana, where the water is warm, and you don't need a parka to step outside your villa," Marlene said unconvinced.

Marlene's potential vacation plans caught the attention of the rest of the table. With unnecessary vigor, Sirius twisted his body around quickly to enter the conversation, "You're getting out of Britain for the holidays?"

"Marly's family always vacations over the holidays," Lily answered for her. "Last year they went to the house in Buenos Aires."

"Sorry, Prongs. I'm not coming home with you this Christmas. I think I'll tag along and get an island vacation instead," Sirius said.

Marlene looked completely overwhelmed by how casually Sirius had just invited himself along on a family holiday and was sending Mary panicked looks.

"Relax, Marlene. He's joking," Lily said.

"Who's joking?" Sirius maintained.

Despite her best efforts, Lily found it rather difficult to concentrate on impending holiday plans when Remus and James were sitting across the table and practically smothering each other with attention. Had James ever laughed so loudly at his mate's jokes? (Ehh, probably. Lily was of the opinion that the sorting hat had put him in Gryffindor because he "roared" with laughter – a terrible pun that earned her no accolades from her judgmental friends but one she should probably try out on James sometime). Could anyone brush away the potatoes that somehow made their way into James' short hair with more affection than Remus did?

These charming displays of friendship were somewhat undermined every time they did something that made it abundantly evident that they were high, like giggling when no one made a joke or staring fixedly at one stop for minutes at a time until everyone else became uncomfortable.

Still, Lily found herself entranced. She wanted to know the circumstances under which James forgave Remus. Did they have it out in their dormitory last night? Had Lily's gently offered advice – he had been so skittish that she'd worried any stronger recommendation that he make things right with Remus would only earn her his ire as well – made a difference? Made _the_ difference?

Last night, James had been practically vibrating with anger. She had never seen such a zero to sixty reversal and wanted to know how he did it, and whether she could apply whatever trick he used to her situation with Alice.

After their chat, Lily had not gone rushing to make up with Alice. The advice – could it be classified as advice? – James had given resonated with her deeply. She _wanted_ everything to return to normal, or not normal exactly, better. She wanted to resume their friendship and move forward into a harmonious future where Alice no longer felt the need to belittle all of the girls and returned to something approaching the old Alice.

Initiating this was a little daunting. When Lily had first decided to end her friendship with Alice, she had genuinely not anticipated that the rest of the girls would be so eager to do the same. Lily felt oddly like she was betraying them by unilaterally deciding that she wanted to forgive Alice now. After all, they had their own grievances with their brusque friend and should get to decide on their own at what point they were ready to move past it all.

Her second concern was trying to envision what the conversation with Alice would even look like. She needed Alice to admit to her part in everything, but something told Lily that Alice would not be obliging. The last thing they needed was for an attempt at a reunion to turn into a screaming match.

Distracted by her contemplations, Lily all but completely ducked out of the conversation swirling around her – it was mostly focused on Sirius trying to convince Marlene her family should take him to Fiji, while she spluttered incoherently. Lily gently stroked the expanse of her neck. Her mother always chastised her for doing so because with her coloring any redness stood out like a sore thumb, but Lily had read that touching your neck alleviated nerves. It was a subconscious act, but it made her feel better.

"Hey, what did dark red stand for again?" Peter asked.

"The color you're looking for is burgundy, though it's a little light for that. Probably more of a carmine," Sirius drawled.

"Try to be mature," Lily said without looking up. "It's sensual, amorous."

"Just checking," Peter giggled.

The disturbing sound of a seventeen-year-old boy tittering to himself made Lily look up for the first time. Immediately, she rather wished she hadn't as she was met with a very burgundy (maybe, carmine) James who was looking right at her.

She flinched back, "Oh! Oh!"

"Prongs, always living up to his name," Sirius laughed.

"I don't get it."

"Sirius is saying James is horny, Pete. You know, prongs and horns?" Remus said.

Dazed as he was, James only then realized what was happening and gave a sheepish laugh, "Sorry 'bout that."

"I'm heading to Herbology early," Lily announced, scraping all her things together.

"Class doesn't start for another half hour," Peter pointed out. He only gave her half his attention because he was simultaneously trying to guard the steamed carrots on his plate, which a hungry Remus appeared intent on nabbing.

"Professor Humphries is grading us on our practicals today. I'll get some studying in," Lily said.

Having been chased away by James' flagrant ogling, Lily spent the walk to the greenhouses fuming.

No one could call her a prude. She was known to drink and have fun. Drugs, though, were a step too far. They weren't just forbidden. They were _illegal_ , and with good reason. Lily had read an article in the local paper about a boy who smoked so much marijuana that he forgot his own mother's name and had to drop out of college to get treatment. A friend of the Evans' family, a doctor, had told her that when they performed autopsies on people who had smoked cannabis, they found black, acidic tar that eroded away most of the brain. It was no joking matter!

She could hardly believe anyone in the castle would be so foolish. If anyone though, she would have expected it to be the less intelligent students. For all their delinquency, Remus and James were hardly stupid.

Perhaps some kind of awareness campaign was in order. She couldn't' risk the use of marijuana spreading throughout the student population, and the activities of the Marauders always became trends…Action would need to be taken.

Greenhouse One wasn't empty when she arrived. Crouched down and gently patting the dirt within a pot housing a small tree was Erik Carmichael. The protective goggles he wore did not make him look particularly fit, but Lily could still admire his toned forearms as he worked.

She was also horribly aware that as far as her own looks went, this was not her best morning.

"Last I checked, you weren't in seventh year Herbology," Lily said.

Erik's shoulders convulsed a bit at the shock of being addressed when he thought he was alone, but when he turned to face her, he was all easy smiles. She noticed that he had a bit of dirt smudged along his chin.

"Alright, Lily?" he greeted. "My project for the year is growing an ever-flowering tree. It needs tending three times a day, so I just thought I'd stop in before my next class."

"You certainly picked an involved project," Lily commented.

For her sixth year Herbology practicum, she had just grown a papilio bush. It needed to be watered only once a week and required that she sang gently over it on a monthly basis. Hardly a serious time commitment.

"Herbology's always been my favorite class. I like the opportunity to come outside and do something with my hands. My da's a mechanic, and that's what I always imagined I'd be doing before I got my letter," Erik explained.

"Reckon you still could. Have a magical car shop and make pounds on pounds because you're so much faster than your competitors they swear _it must be magic_!" Lily suggested.

"Nah, that would be a bit too much like cheating, wouldn't it? If I opened a shop, I'd do everything the muggle way," Erik said nobly.

Lily nearly swooned at how Gryffindor a sentiment that was. "Then what will you do?"

"Slow down there. I've still nearly two years to decide. You're the seventh year. Shouldn't I be driving you mad by asking about your plans?" Erik laughed.

Being barraged by questions about the future from well-wishing adults was a universal annoyance for anyone finishing secondary school. Lily imagined it was considerably worse for her and anyone else that suffered under a ban on discussing the magical world enforced by a secret government of out of touch bureaucrats.

That summer, all of her parents' friends – and the Evans' were social people – had wanted to know all about Lily's exciting future. Her parents had told everyone she was so clever her boarding school had transferred her up a grade back when she was first accepted to Hogwarts in order to explain why she would be graduating a year early, so everyone had high expectations.

What could she possibly answer? University was out because Hogwarts wasn't a recognized institution, and when applications asked for A-levels, she could hardly answer with the number of NEWTs she received. More dishearteningly, she didn't have the necessary skill-set to survive university. Her arithmetic, foreign language skills and literary background would be woefully behind her muggle peers.

If not university, then her parents' friends would expect her to have a job picked out, which she didn't – magical or otherwise. Lily's forays into the magical world were pretty much restricted to the shops in Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley and Hogwarts itself. She didn't know what most wizards did for a living. It seemed like nearly everyone's parents were in some way employed by the Ministry, but Lily's opinion of the Ministry couldn't have been lower, and she had no intention of working for them in any capacity.

"I'll probably enroll in a training program to become a Potions master," is what Lily told Erik, leaving out her complicated thoughts on the subject.

Potions research was what Slughorn wanted her to specialize in, and the further education in the subject did appeal to her. She just struggled to picture herself locked away and brewing for the next ninety years of her life. Even after all this time, anything involving magic didn't seem like a sensible job to her. She was playing endless make believe.

"Funny," Erik said, straightening up and removing his goggles. "I would have pegged you as a mechanic myself."

"I know you think that's funny, but I bet I'd make a wonderful mechanic, put your shop out of business," Lily said.

"No doubt. In all seriousness, I'd be happy to teach you if you want. You could come to mine this summer, and I'll have you doing tune ups and fixing tire alignments in no time," Erik said generously.

The goggles had left a red imprint etched into his tan skin. Lily thought him entirely too adorable, and his offer to teach her entirely too kind. Unthinkingly, she wiped away the smudge of dirt she'd noticed before on his cheek. If she ever visited him in his dad's shop like he suggested, she could see herself doing the same with a bit of grease from a car engine. Of course, all joking aside, she wouldn't be there to work in the garage because she had no interest in really learning about cars. No, she'd be the picture of femininity in a white sundress and driving gloves, there to visit her fit boyfriend, who wasn't afraid of getting a little dirty. It was a lovely picture.

Erik didn't make a big fuss over her familiarity, but he did track the progress of her retreating hand with a heated gaze. The obvious interest left her emboldened.

"I know this is forward, but would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me? Not for the whole day or anything, but maybe spend the morning together," Lily said, forcing the words out quickly before she could change her mind.

She needn't have been nervous. There was never any reason to fear Erik – lovely, appreciative Erik – would reject her, so his face split into a wide grin. "I'd be honored. Any time with you is time well spent, Lily."

Cheesy but romantic. She'd have to add that to the boyfriend list.

"Just one question?"

Lily looked at him expectantly.

"Why have you changed colors like thirty times in the past five minutes?"

* * *

Sitting in Herbology twenty minutes later with Erik long gone, Lily was still berating herself for her stupidity. She had asked a bloke out while her skin was green, and not Emerald green or green the same shade as a blade of grass. No, spinach green. It was enough to make a girl completely space out in class, which was terribly unfair to her partner as today was a practical day.

Poor Peter, the only other Gryffindor in the class, was left to do all the work. In her defense, she hadn't wanted to partner with Peter. She had friends in other houses, and she had hoped to work with Lisa Little, but Peter had asked first, and she hadn't the heart to abandon him.

Half-heartedly, Lily sifted through the soil in her pot, while Peter probed and prodded their infant snargaluff tree. It was more a very small bush at the moment, but it would grow into a vicious tree with proper care. They would need to remove the pods that grew within it now so that it could grow mature pods, useful for potion-making, later. It was rather like removing your baby teeth so you could grow your permanent set.

"If you soften the soil too much, it might die," Peter said nervously.

Peter said everything nervously. This was the only time they ever really interacted. The boy was swallowed up by the big personalities around him every other time they were near each other.

While she didn't _dislike_ Peter, she had to admit that their partnership had not made her want to grow closer with him. The constant twitching grated on her nerves, and he delivered every warning – of which she required several as Herbology wasn't really her best class – with the air of a puppy expecting to be kicked. You'd think she'd terrorized the bloke at some point rather than just regarded him with indifference.

"What should I do next?" Lily asked.

Peter set her up with a small knife. She would need to stab the snargaluff tree so that it would emit its wriggling tubers. Reserved for Peter was the most difficult work, extracting the pods from within as the young snargaluff tried to stab him with its spiky branches.

Since it didn't require much thought on her part, Lily allowed her mind to drift back to Erik and their date. As happy as she was that he had said yes, she was feeling pretty nervous. Her greatest fear was that it would go well, they would end up dating for a year, and only then would she realize he wasn't the one. That she'd wasted her time on someone who wasn't worth it.

There were other boys on the list she'd made to vet boyfriend candidates. Sure, on paper Erik had seemed like the best choice, but she couldn't be positive. She didn't want to date someone for the sake of it. She was looking for something real, which raised the question of how she could decide between the different boys on the list.

"Have you ever been in love, Peter?"

Spluttering, Peter nearly allowed a branch to stab him in the eye before he ducked backwards. She supposed it had been a rather abrupt question, considering she and Peter had never before shared anything personal with each other.

She just couldn't help herself. The subject had been on her brain ever since Marlene had insisted Lily ought to find a new boyfriend. All her best efforts went into hiding it, but, secretly, she was a romantic. Her breakup with Aubrey Hearnes in fifth year had soured her towards schoolyard romances even though she had never loved him, and Severus had left her even more embittered. Yet, she still believed in love and longed for it in some deep, wanting hole in her heart that refused to be silenced. She could talk a good game to the contrary, but that hole would always roar louder, drowning her out.

Looking fixedly at their stumpy tree in a way that made clear he was hoping to avoid the conversation, Peter said. "Maybe. Sometimes I think so, and other times I think I'm less sure."

Lily nodded. His ambiguous answer made perfect sense to her. "What do you think it feels like?"

To his credit, Peter seriously considered her question, even though he didn't want to be discussing this with her in the first place. "I always think it's like a fanged frisbee – impossible to ignore once it's in your sights and sometimes it hurts like hell."

It was a good metaphor and pretty in line with the popular literature. Love was an explosion, they said. Fireworks.

"I think it's quieter than that," Lily said contemplatively, chin propped on her hand and her knife duties forgotten. "It's like eating a bar of chocolate. At the first bite, you're just overcome by how good it is, but as you continue to eat, you forget to appreciate it. Your mind wanders, and you start to take it for granted. Then, a few bites in, it hits you all over again, and this time you really _savor_ it. You think how lucky you are to be eating this, and you just keep repeating the cycle until the bar's all gone."

"And then you have a stomach ache because it was too rich," Peter said.

"Exactly!" Lily said, glad Peter wasn't laughing in her face.

"Have you ever been in love?" Peter asked hesitantly.

Lily frowned. "I thought I might have been once, but I didn't have chocolate. I had…toast."

"Toast?"

"Yeah, toast is good and everything. I'm glad to have it in my life, and sometimes it's really great toast – when it's lightly browned and buttery. But, I could give up toast for Lent, and I wouldn't miss it. I'd just start eating oatmeal for breakfast instead, whereas I _always_ crave chocolate. It's not replaceable. Even if I don't appreciate every bit, I'll miss it when it's gone," Lily explained.

Metaphors were vastly underrated. She doubted she could have ever explained her almost-not-quite relationship with Sev more succinctly than that. Her friend, at least in the romantic sense, was toast.

"Err…toast is healthier than chocolate," Peter said. He continued quickly when Lily started to frown, "I understand what you mean though. Love is about little moments."

Lily gave Peter a small smile, which he returned. Layered beneath his ingratiating exterior, she thought there might be something rather sweet inside of him. The kind of sweetness that made a bloke genuinely listen while a girl prattled on about love in the hypothetical. She wished he would show it more often.

Their bonding moment was interrupted by a crash as Susan Kerns' tree went crashing to the floor. When Lily looked up, Susan was scrambling to salvage her ruined plant, while her partner, Preston Nott, looked on with far more satisfaction than anyone whose grade had just been ruined should.

Rage filled Lily as Susan told Professor Humphries that she didn't know how she could be so careless. Lily knew exactly how. Susan was a muggleborn. Pairing her with Nott had been a terrible decision on Humphries' part. She was one of the professors who insisted on placing the onus for getting along on both parties, as if a terrorized muggleborn was equally responsible for causing tension. Lily _hated_ that kind of professor.

Unsurprisingly, Nott had been making Susan's life hell, at least the part of her life spent in Herbology. Whether the reason for his torment was disgust at having been paired with a muggleborn or just plain love of bullying was unclear, but Nott had proven himself time and again to be willing to reduce his grade for a chance to hurt her. There was nothing more sickening.

When Professor Humphries announced Susan would have to take a failing mark for the class, Susan all but ran from the room crying. Professor Humphries clucked her tongue sympathetically, but Lily knew from past experience that Humphries wouldn't make any accommodations for Susan. Her concern was for show.

To Lily's supreme disgust, Nott told Humphries, "I'll go after her and make sure she's not too upset. I know how much she values her grades."

Lily was on her feet in an instant. "No need. I'll go. She'd probably rather open up to a friend, and I am Head Girl."

"That you are," said Nott, lip-curling. "Why don't we both go then?"

There were very few professors who would permit multiple students to leave class for no academically valid reason. Unfortunately, Humphries was one of them.

Seeing as there was no chance in hell Lily was letting Nott anywhere near a vulnerable Susan, she practically raced out of the classroom. Susan's retreating figure could be seen heading towards the castle. She'd put enough distance between her and the greenhouses that Lily would only need to delay Nott for a few moments to give her enough time to escape.

Since the greenhouse was made of glass, however, she would still have to walk back to the castle to avoid Humphries' censure. With Nott.

"Coming, mudblood?" Nott asked as he walked out to join her.

"Ten points from Slytherin," Lily said, voice clipped.

"I see why they made you Head Girl. You've sure taught me my lesson," Nott sneered.

What made Nott particularly unbearable from the collection of Slytherin bigots was that he wasn't an idiot. Here was not a hulking bully with two brain cells to his name. No, Nott was popular even outside Slytherin. He had an aristocratic face, smarts, and allegedly good manners though Lily had never seen evidence that these existed.

In the past, she'd taken comfort in the notion that blood supremacy was born solely of ignorance. Anyone with a brain and a modicum of self-respect would have to reject such obviously fault ideology. Nott ruined that belief.

"If you don't start treating Kerns with respect, I'll go to Dumbledore and have him revoke your Hogsmeade privileges," Lily threatened.

"I like going to Hogsmeade, but I like seeing Kerns cry a lot more, so I'm afraid dear Susie will just have to be less clumsy from here on out if she wants to pass Herbology," Nott said, eyes focused and hungry on where Susan was now disappearing into the castle.

Lily strongly considered hexing him, consequences be damned, but she wasn't familiar with his dueling abilities, so she refrained. To avoid the carnage such a class would inevitably bring, Gryffindors and Slytherins were _never_ paired up for DADA. For all she knew, Nott could put her in the Hospital Wing.

"I'll make you a deal. Switch partners with Kerns, and I'll leave her alone. I fancy making you cry would be just as nice. Maybe better," Nott said, voice low and venomous as a snake.

He reached out and toyed with a lock of her hair. It was an act of intimidation, and it worked. Lily could hardly breathe, her mind screaming out that this person who wanted to hurt her was in her space and _touching_ her. Fight or flight didn't kick in. Rather, she froze like a deer in the headlights – woefully passive.

"You probably need some time to think it over, so I'll give you until next class. After that, you're just as guilty as me for when I ruin Kerns' day," Nott purred. "Save yourself or save Kerns. I can't wait to find out which you choose."

It was from a completely dry throat that Lily forced out, "Are you a freak because your mum's also your aunt or because you're going to have to marry your sister someday?"

"Let me give you a little taste of what to expect if you take my offer," Nott growled, though Lily suspected he was more annoyed that she dared talk back to him than actually offended at her jibe about pureblood inbreeding. "You don't know what love feels like because no one could ever love some _thing_ so filthy."

Lily balked as she realized he must have overheard her conversation with Peter. His hand was still in her hair though, and that quickly took precedence as he tugged sharply, causing brief and searing pain to radiate from her scalp. No one had ever hurt her physically before, so Lily gasped in shock as much as in pain. Unknown dueling skills or not, Lily would have gone for her wand if he hadn't released her then.

The turmoil of emotions – undeserved humiliation and justified anger most prominent – swirling through her left her gaping soundlessly at this awful, awful boy who in another life could have easily been her twin. That was another disconcerting thing about Preston Nott. They looked terribly similar. He too had dark red hair and a smattering of freckles on fair skin. He was surely more angular, but his eyes were green and there was something in the shape of his mouth.

"Want to know something else?" he asked.

She really, really didn't.

"Your friend Snape likes making mudbloods cry too. We make a game of it. Each mudblood is worth a certain amount of points, and whoever scores the most wins," Nott explained in a matter-of-fact tone that made her want to throw up. "Snape won for our year, back in fifth year when Blishwick saw you crying about how he called you a mudblood. You've always been worth a lot of points. So uppity. So very, very pretty."

As Nott walked away, Lily thought that Peter's definition of love had been all wrong. Impossible to avoid and hurts like hell? That was hate.

Score:

Lily: 6 – James: 5

Number of times Lily assumed the worst of James Potter: 2  
Number of times Lily lied: 0  
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 0


	17. Oct 11: Of Friends, New & Devastated

**Oct. 11, 1977**

Lily burst into the Heads’ office in a flurry of activity. She was exhausted, utterly drained from a day of nonstop, rigorous classes, but she was experiencing a probably temporary burst of energy. She could only hope it lasted her the meeting because when the reality of just how tired she was set in, she would probably be incapable of walking back to Gryffindor Tower, and there was just something terribly undignified about the Head Girl having to crawl through the castle.

Maybe she was also a little emotionally drained from obsessing over ginger-haired bigots who deserved a good kick in the rear, but she’d refused to dwell on Nott all day. Doing so would only give her a headache.

Nott wasn’t nearly as intimidating as he thought he was, no sir. She had gone about her day exactly as she would have if Nott had never spoken to her. In fact, her conversation about love with Peter had left a much greater impact on her.

Talking to Peter had made Lily realize her friends were right. She was going about this whole love business all wrong. If she didn’t want to be single forever, she needed to take action. The perfect boy wasn’t going to just fall into her lap already desperately in love with her. She’d need to wade through the awkward bits to get to the very worth it relationship on the other side, and she’d need to take some initiative to make it happen.

In the short time between Herbology and rushing to her meeting with Potter, Lily had already made great strides towards her goal.

“You have one hour of my time and not a minute more,” Lily announced, swooping into the seat across from James.

He only glanced up from the papers he was sorting through. No one would ever describe James as particularly steady, he was a twitchy bugger most of the time, but he appeared practically comatose compared to Lily at the moment. Leave it to Potter to start acting composed when Lily was at her most agitated and the comparison would be most unfavorable. It was like he planned these things.

“I don’t actually need your help,” James said not unkindly. “I don’t expect you to come in here and share the burden.”

Lily waved her hands in dismissal, “I don’t know if you’ve picked up on this, but I’m a control freak, Potter. I can’t delegate, and I certainly can’t just let you start running everything unsupervised. I’d like to get some sleep tonight rather than lying in bed thinking of you.”

James’ lips quirked up at her wording, but in an impressive display of self-control, he did not ask her about why she was thinking about him in bed. Apparently, that wonderful animal called maturity had finally gotten her claws into James. Lily was inexplicably proud as if she was somehow responsible for this character growth.

“If you want to help, I’m editing third-year History of Magic essays. You can take that stack there,” he said.

To help students improve their grammar, the Head students would edit any essays submitted for proofing, marking their changes in red ink, so that the younger students could learn from their mistakes. The professors loved it because it made the grading process simpler, and the students appreciated losing fewer points for silly errors.

Agreeably, she started in on the first essay about the cross-pollination of magical theories over the Strait of Gibaltr throughout history. Lily enjoyed history. She particularly enjoyed magical history as it seemed she was doomed to forever be playing catch-up. At least with muggle history you could watch the telly and pick up some context through TV movies. Shamefully, at least half of Lily’s understanding of Ancient Egyptian history came from watching _The Ten Commandments_ every Christmas.

No appreciation of history, however, was going to make a thirteen-year-old’s essay riveting reading material. And by essay two, Lily realized that Binns had assigned the same topic for _all_ the essays, which meant that each one had maybe one or two deviations but otherwise read exactly the same. She would be asleep in minutes.

“I swear, this kid is obsessed commas,” Lily groaned, as she tried to slog through a completely incomprehensible sentence.

“Really? Because I’ve yet to see a single comma in this one. Maybe if we average the two we’ll have the proper amount,” James said.

“There would still be too many,” Lily said darkly.

“Just remove a couple and move on then. They don’t have to perfect,” James said sensibly. Or at least he said it as if such a thing were sensible, which it was not.

Lily gave a little gasp, “You’re not doing that are you? Potter! The point of this is to help the students present acceptable essays.”

“And I am. I’m just not helping them turn in _perfect_ essays. Catch the distinction?” James said, entirely unaffected.

“I’m not going to tell you what to do,” Lily said slowly, earning an incredulous look from James, “but if you insist on doing this, I will have to tell our panel of judges, and you’ll lose points towards the bet.”

James gave the essay in his hands a conflicted look as if actually considering whether it might be worth losing the bet to be done with it. “This is just such a stupid, bloody waste of time. I mean, what idiot decided that the head students should be in charge of this anyway?”

“This idiot,” Lily said coldly.

If Lily hadn’t known better, she would have said James looked a tad guilty for having accidentally insulted her, but James never regretted the things he said, and his expression seconds later was devoid of concern. He just looked exasperated.

“Lily, are you telling me that you just added an extra responsibility for the hell of it?” James demanded.

“No, I recommended the program be added when I was a fifth-year prefect, and the head students have been responsible ever since. It’s been very successful in improving student grammar. In fact, Teresa Dillon submits her every essay for review, and I’ve tracked a noticeable improvement in her understanding of sentence structure over the years,” Lily lectured.

“Sure, Lily,” James said patronizingly.

The way he said it was such a callback to the very argument that had started their bet in the first place that Lily felt fury brewing in her veins. The whole point of their bet was learned appreciation of just how difficult and valuable Lily’s contributions to the school were. Condescension was the wrong tone to be taking. It was like he had learned nothing.

Lily managed to keep her anger out of her voice as she explained, “Listen, when I was younger, I used to hate how I’d write this great essay, get all of the content down perfectly, and then still end up losing points because I didn’t understand how to write a proper paragraph. We don’t teach grammar here, and it’s unreasonable to expect these twelves-year-olds to have perfect punctuation and spelling. This program is a way of helping them learn a legitimate skill. Or do you think the Ministry won’t mind hiring someone who doesn’t know the difference between the three ‘theres’?”

“I get it. It’s helpful. I just don’t see why we have to be the ones to do it,” James grumbled.

Lily relaxed. He wasn’t devaluing her work so much as moaning about extra work. That she could live with. In fact, it suited her that he found the work boring and unpleasant. Served him right.

They worked in silence for a while, and maybe, just maybe, Lily let a few tiny grammatical errors sneak through because James had a point. It didn’t need to be _perfect_.

After a while, James asked, “If I show you the prefect schedule I drew up, will you actually tell me if it’s rubbish this time?”

He didn’t sound at all mad about it. Sabotage didn’t even rate as something to care about in James’ warped head. Lily would have been furious if he tried the same underhanded tricks with her. She actually felt rather bad about the whole thing. With that in mind, she soon had the prefects schedule before her and was running through it quickly.

“You shouldn’t put Thomas with Carrow,” Lily said, scanning the list quickly. “Nothing will get done because she’ll be too busy making him cry to bother paying attention.”

“Who would you recommend?” James asked, and it made her buzz with something warm that he was so confident in her ability to sort it out properly.

“The only fifth year boy outside of Slytherin she can be put with is Randall. He’s tough, pureblooded, and friends with Dorian Fischer who’s like the Casanova of the fifth years, so she’ll behave herself,” Lily said.

“What else?”

“Dorcas can’t be with Burke. She is far too pretty, and he is far too creepy,” Lily said.

James looked absolutely shocked. “Capheus is an alright guy. He’s not creepy.”

“Trust me. As a girl in this castle, I can promise you that Capheus Burke is as obnoxious as they come. I’m not subjecting Dorcas to that toad for hours in a dark hallway,” Lily said.

James looked as if he was reevaluating everything he knew about the world. Burke may have been a pretty cool friend to have if you were a bloke, but Lily would know nothing about that. All she knew was that his idea of the appropriate personal space to leave between two people was considerably smaller than her own.

“Then, he’d have to be put with Kelly Brown, right? She’s the only unshaggable sixth year girl.” This charming comment was delivered with no reservations as if it weren’t completely offensive to comment on Kelly Brown’s plainness. And yes, maybe Lily always put Kelly Brown with Capheus Burke for that very reason, but she didn’t say it out loud.

“Potter!” Lily barked. “Kelly is perfectly….”

“Are you going to say shaggable? Please, I’ll pay you money to say you find Kelly Brown shaggable,” James laughed.

Lily scowled.

“Laugh all you want, but you’re not funny. In fact, you haven’t even told me my joke for the day. All out already, Mr. Comedian?” Lily challenged.

Without missing a beat, James asked, “Ever heard the one about the sensitive burglar?”

She shook her head.

“He takes things personally.”

Unless she was mistaken, the swooping sensation in her heart was affection. She was growing fond of this lazy ponce and his awful jokes. Though, to be fair, this one was actually rather clever.

“I think you’ve over shot it. That was actually good. It’s not funny if it’s good,” Lily said.

“I’m never going to top the sixes and sevens joke,” James sighed, forlorn.

He may have been acting as if all hope was lost, but Lily knew James was nothing if not persistent. For the next few months, she could expect an endless barrage of jokes until one had her sides splitting with laughter once more. Defeated was a word James was only familiar with because it described his rivals.

“The only other change I’d suggest, is moving Pratt and Shafiq to Sunday for patrols,” Lily said, returning to the schedule.

James’ brow furrowed in concentration and he began flipping through a stack of papers before him. “I checked the conflicts schedule, and neither of them had anything. I don’t know how I missed it.”

“You didn’t miss anything. It’s just Hogsmeade this Saturday. You should let them have some fun,” Lily said.

“Whoever we schedule instead will just have their fun interrupted,” James pointed out fairly.

Lily cursed his newfound interest. She had rather been hoping to escape this conversation without having to explain her personal stake in Pratt’s day in Hogsmeade. It’s not like she was ashamed per se, but James was not going to pass up the chance to take the mickey here.

“Promise not to make fun?” Lily asked.

“Umm…no.”

You couldn’t fault his honesty.

Lily rolled his eyes, “Oh, fine. I’m meeting Ian for a date, and I’d rather like him to not have to run out in the middle to handle rounds.”

With bated breath, Lily waited to hear James’ reaction. Despite not feeling ashamed, there was something churning in her stomach that told her telling James about her date was a bad idea. Something awfully similar to guilt. It was silly because while James had seemed pretty besotted with her in the past, they weren’t in that place anymore. It was hardly like he was going to start shouting or burst into tears.

His response was anti-climactic.

“You and Pratt…I can see it,” James said thoughtfully. “I don’t know why you thought I’d laugh. You’re actually pretty well-suited for each other.”

“Why would you say that?” Lily pressed.

She knew that she and Ian looked good together on paper. They had similar interests and were the same type of person. If Lily were a matchmaker, she would probably pair them up herself. So there was no real reason she should need James to sell her date to her. She already knew his good points, and yet, she was still inexplicably on the fence about Ian and his gloriously white teeth.

“He just seems like your type. I reckon he gets even better marks than you, yeah?” James shrugged.

“He might,” Lily said, struggling not to grit her teeth at the reminder.

“And I hear he’s already lined up a position as some sort of important advisor at Gringotts for after term ends. That’s a pretty impressive and you kind of thing,” James continued.

“It’s advisor to the Goblin Head on Interspecies Relations.”

“You’re both ambitious. The same type,” James finished.

Lily was aware that it said nothing good about her that the traits James was listing were the very things that Lily liked _least_ about Ian Pratt. All of Ian’s accomplishments just made Lily feel insecure and then she became petty. Once she had actually rolled her eyes when she overheard Ian’s younger sister bragging about his bright future at Gringgots as if that wasn’t the rudest thing she could possibly do.

Besides the jealousy though were other legitimate concerns like, was he boring? Lily worked hard and was ambitious as well, and yet no one would ever suggest she was boring. People enjoyed talking with her because she had things to say and world experiences outside of schoolwork. Lily couldn’t say that she knew all that much about Ian’s personality, but he had never given the impression that there was much to him outside of his dedication to schoolwork. Again, it was concerning.

“I don’t see why he can’t still do rounds, though. He wouldn’t have to be back to the castle until eight. If you leave early enough, you could have eleven hours together before the date ends. Plenty of time…Unless you’re planning to bring him back to the castle after?” James looked far too excited by the suggestion. Really, what kind of strange investment did he have in her love life that he was enthused that she might shag another boy after a date? Such a weirdo.

“Of course not,” Lily sniped. Her distaste at the suggestion overcame the embarrassment she would have felt at revealing the next bit. “It’s just, we’re only meeting for a drink towards the end of the day, so it would be cutting our date short.”

“Spending the morning with the girls?” It wasn’t said as a question as James was already nodding along as if this made perfect sense.

It certainly would have too. Except the reality was far more difficult to explain.

“I have three dates. One in the morning, one after lunch and then Ian to cap it all off,” Lily said plainly. You really just had to spit these things out.

James stared at her incredulously. “Three dates? With three different blokes?”

“Yes.”

“Merlin, I can’t wait to hear this one,” James guffawed.

Lily sighed and leaned back in her chair, “Hogsmeade just isn’t ideal for a first date. It’s so long. First dates are awful and uncomfortable. They’re for feeling a person out and getting an idea of compatibility. You don’t need eleven plus hours to do that. You just don’t.”

“That I agree with, but that doesn’t mean you have to schedule three. Merlin!” James exclaimed.

“I wasn’t sure which one I liked more. If I decided to wait for separate Hogsmeade weekends, it would be three months before I had gone on a date with each of them and could make a decision. This way, I’ll know by the end of the night which one I like most,” Lily said reasonably.

“I’m pretty sure if I told you I was taking three different girls to Hogsmeade, you’d call me a pig,” James said, pointing an accusing finger in her direction.

Err…probably.

“It’s not like I’m going to snog all three of them or anything. I’m just going to have some perfectly innocent conversation with three different blokes on the same day. Where’s the harm?” Lily said.

She’d spent a lot of time sorting this out in her own head, and she felt perfectly justified. The idea had struck her after finishing up Herbology, and she’d been quick to hunt down the other boys and ask them out as well. After having been demeaned by Nott, she’d been eager to do something, anything, that felt like taking control of her life.

Like with all things that mattered, she had run it past the girls first to make sure they didn’t think it was a mistake. Shelia was of the impression that Lily had achieved some kind of dating genius status and was heralding the plan as brilliant every three minutes. Marlene and Mary were less enthused but seemed encouraging all the same, though Lily suspected Marlene was just excited that Lily was finally dating.

“Lily, please tell me that these blokes know about your busy day,” James said, closing his eyes as if she tired him out, which was incredibly impolite and incredibly untrue.

“They know that I have plans to spend time with other people, yes,” Lily said.

“Other dates?”

“I didn’t get into the particulars,” Lily said stiffly.

“Merlin, you’re mad! So instead of getting to go to Hogsmeade with a girl who actually fancies them and will snog them at the end, you’ve taken three blokes off the Hogwarts market. You’re not two-timing. You’re three-timing!” James cried.

“For goodness’ sake, it’s a casual walk around Hogsmeade. I’m not jilting anyone at the altar here.”

“Merlin, it’s just…Merlin. You’ll have to tell me how this goes for you. Honestly, I can’t wait,” James laughed.

“If you keep saying Merlin, he’s going to rise up from the grave and kick you,” Lily muttered.

“Merlin,” James said petulantly.

Lily wasn’t showing signs of much more developed maturity when she kicked him under the table. Yowling, James retracted his leg and gave her a hurt puppy look. Years of his antics left her entirely immune to his charms, however, so no amount of pouting was going to bother her.

“I did warn you. Merlin’s a man of little patience,” Lily said.

James rolled his eyes, which Lily thought was funny considering how often she found herself rolling hers at him. “So what are the names of the poor ponces whose hearts you’re going to break come Saturday?”

“There will be no broken hearts. Honestly, Potter, you’re more of a romantic than I ever realized,” Lily said. “But to answer your question, before meeting up with Ian, I have a date with Paul Wright –”

“Paul Wright? Lily, have you met Paul Wright?” James interrupted.

“Hmm…I think we saw each other from across the hall when we made plans, but now that you mention it, we’ve never spoken, no,” Lily said sarcastically.

James ignored her. “Wright only takes a bird to Hogsmeade to get shagged. Literally, no other reason.”

“Well, he’ll be disappointed, then,” Lily said unconcerned.

“You’re going to ruin his day,” James pointed out.

“Boys shouldn’t have expectations on dates. It’s ungentlemanly,” Lily said primly, which was maybe a more prudish sentiment than she actually believed, but she really couldn’t go snogging three different blokes in one day. The only way she could pull this plan off without feeling like an utter slag was to keep things light. Besides, prudish or not, what she said was still true and probably healthy for a boy to learn young.

“Alright, so you don’t care about all that. Fine. I know Wright though, and he’s a damn arrogant bastard. He’s not going to find your three dates experiment charming like I do,” James said.

“Pot. Kettle.”

“Exactly, so you can trust me when I say that a cocky guy like Wright, is not going to like this because I sure as hell wouldn’t if I was in his shoes,” James said.

Weren’t boys supposed to be emotionally detached or some tosh? Still, it was impossible to deny that James had greater insight into the male psyche. She’d have to hunt down Paul at some point that week and fill him in on the full extent of her plans. That way he couldn’t accuse her of surprising him, and if he made a big deal out of it or wanted to back out, then she would just know he wasn’t the boy for her anyway.

“And the other bloke?” James asked.

“I’m spending the morning and lunch with Erik Carmichael. And don’t try to tell me he’ll be mad because I’m friends with Erik, and he’ll be perfectly fine with the whole thing,” Lily said quickly.

While it was obvious James didn’t approve of her Hogsmeade dates, he had thus far reacted with amusement rather than disdain, which Lily appreciated. It was fast becoming her favorite thing about James. That he could listen to someone describe the most ludicrous activities and he wouldn’t cast judgments. There were very few people she could relax around completely, but she thought James could become one of them simply because there was no need to stay guarded around him. At the mention of Erik, however, he grew blatantly appalled.

“Carmichael? Chaser on my team, Carmichael?” he demanded.

“Umm…yes.”

“Lily, absolutely not,” James said definitively.

“Is this some kind of Quidditch thing, like you don’t like your teammates having girlfriends because you think it’s a distraction?” Lily asked.

James became briefly side-tracked, “What? No. Where on earth did you come up with something like that?”

“It’s a muggle sports thing,” Lily explained.

“My issue with Carmichael is he might be, no exaggeration, the most obnoxious git I’ve ever met. Lily, you can do better. Go and don’t snog Wright. Grab a drink with shiny-teeth. Just don’t go there with Carmichael,” James said.

Lily didn’t get to appreciate that James had also observed Pratt’s startlingly white teeth because she was too busy seething at his nerve. Honestly, where did he get off trying to tell her who she could or couldn’t date? It wasn’t her problem that James had issues with Erik. Frankly, Potter wasn’t that likeable to begin with. It only made sense that he would have rubbed some people the wrong way over the years. In fact, his dislike was probably a ringing endorsement.

“You have no right to tell me who I can or cannot date,” Lily said fiercely. “I have never met a more arrogant, heavy-handed git than you. So if I can stomach spending even an hour in your company, I should be all set to marry Erik and spend the rest of our lives together.”

James groaned, “I’m just…Merlin, Lily. I’m not sure we can stay friends if you’re going to be hanging around Carmichael all the time. The exposure during practice is already too much.”

It was incredible how such a casually uttered statement was able to decimate all of her anger, and her anger had been considerable. So it was with a quiet voice that Lily meekly uttered, “You think we’re friends?”

Of course, this was followed by a rush of immediate embarrassment. They should just offer her a position as a professor now. She could teach classes on how to act like the most pathetic person on the planet. It was the only thing she was truly a master of at this point.

James looked taken aback for a moment before his expression became considering, “Yeah, I think we are. I mean, what else would you call what we’ve been doing?”

An excellent question, though friend still somehow seemed off.

“I don’t think there’s a word for it. Probably no one in history acts as ridiculous as us.”

Hey, at least she was self-aware. That had to lessen the degree of absurdity that their every interaction reached at least a smidgen.

Lily was _friends_ with James Potter. She took a moment to let that thought simmer in her mind. She mouthed the words to get a feel for it on her tongue, elongating the syllables, not caring if it would look strange to him.

It seemed like such an impossibility. They had never really been anything before. Whatever strange twists their relationship took, it had always remained undefinable. Sure, they could have been labelled a few generic titles like “housemates” or “co-Heads” throughout the years, but these had never suited as they missed such important elements of their dynamic. They may not always like each other, but they were always relevant to each other. If you didn’t like a housemate, you just ignored them. There had never been a chance Lily could ignore James. They just weren’t built for it.

And now they were friends.

“Well, that changes everything then,” Lily said gently. When James looked at her confused, she explained, “My friends don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t date either, but they can tell me their opinion…and I will listen.”

For his part, James seemed to take this newly offered privilege as more of a responsibility, judging by the way he carefully spoke as if measuring each word first. Maybe he thought she’d retract it all if he misspoke.

“He’s arrogant, and I know I’m arrogant too. You’ve certainly never let me forget it, but he’s…I’m never mean about it. Sure, I was a little bit when we were younger, and there are some people I just don’t like, for good reason mind you, that I’ll never be _nice_ to, but…I think I’m a decent bloke overall. You can’t say I put my friends down or treat the people around me poorly. Carmichael though…he doesn’t have friends, Lily. You have to have noticed that. He has people he spends some time with, but no one is friends with him. You should see him at practice. The way he puts the rest of the team down every other word,” James delivered this explanation staring off to the side.

Regret burned through her at the way he glanced at her for reassurance when he said he was a decent bloke, as if she would jump to correct him. The old James had earned every insult she ever delivered, but…this new James didn’t deserve to remember them. She wished there was a way to take it back that wouldn’t land her in Azkaban for misuse of memory charms.

“As your friend, I don’t want to see you with a bloke who’s going to treat you like that. Maybe I’m wrong and he’ll think the sun shines out of your arse, but…I’ll have to hex him if he starts talking to you the way he talks to everyone else, and I already have enough detentions as it is. So, really you’d be doing me a favor,” James said.

Her heart did _not_ skip a beat at him vowing to defend her.

“I’m not going to break off the date, but I will keep it in mind, okay?” Lily offered.

James nodded, satisfied. He probably hadn’t expected her to agree to even that.

“What about you? Any exciting Hogsmeade plans I should know about?” Lily asked, hoping to divert the subject so that she wouldn’t have to reflect on everything he’d said about Erik.

James snorted. “Nothing that seems exciting compared to what you’ve got going on.”

“Ha ha,” Lily said drily.

“We only ever take dates if all of us can get one, and Pete was down for the count this time, so that means we’ll all just go together. Except Remus. We gave him special permission since it’s the first time he’ll get to take Dahlia out in public. He’s over the moon about it. I’m afraid he’ll start writing love songs soon,” James explained.

There were no words Lily could think of to express how adorable she found their Hogsmeade dating rule. Now that was friendship. Shelia would abandon the lot of them without a second thought for a bloke, and even Alice hadn’t been much better when she had a boyfriend.

“So, I don’t want you to think I’m prying…” Lily wheedled.

“Why did every hair on my body just stand up straight?” James asked.

Lily rolled her eyes. “What hair? You’re practically bald.”

Technically, this wasn’t true. James’ hair was closer to its former untamable glory than to a buzz cut. It was rather baffling how fast it had grown back. People had always joked that his hair had a mind of its own, but now she was a little concerned it might be true.

“Don’t remind me. I’m still rather sore about that,” James said, but there was no edge to his voice.

“ _Anyways_ ,” Lily said pointedly, to make clear that there would be no avoiding her on this subject, “You and a certain blonde-haired prefect looked pretty chummy today, like maybe amends were made.”

“That’s just how I look when I’m burning with hatred,” James said.

“Unlikely. No, you have to tell me what happened! You can’t just share your drama with me and expect me not to care about the follow-up. How did you two make up? What did he say? Was it a beautiful moment?” Lily pressed.

James scoffed and looked away from her, “I never took you for such a gossip hound.”

“Then clearly you haven’t been paying attention,” Lily said blithely. “I _thrive_ off gossip.”

“Why do you care about other people’s business?” James asked.

A ludicrous question if there ever was one. It was now Lily’s turn to scoff at his utter boyishness. While the look in his eyes was hardly an earnest appeal for her to explain, it also wasn’t mocking derision, so Lily decided to elucidate him, “We’re cooped up in this castle with the same schedule of classes and commitments every day for nine months out of the year. Our only break is over Christmas hols, and we’re only allowed to go to a small village with ten shops once a month. If I didn’t take an interest in the lives of everyone around me, I’d probably die of boredom.”

“I go to the same school, Lily, and somehow I’m doing just fine without,” James said reasonably.

“That’s because you and your mates don’t follow the rules. When you get bored, you make things happen. Some of us aren’t willing to spend as much time in detention as out, so we’re forced to settle for something else,” Lily said, matching his reason with her own logic.

“So, you’re saying that people who have nothing going on in their own lives project onto the lives of others? Healthy,” James said sarcastically.

Lily chucked a quill at him, which he just managed to duck. Curse his excellent reflexes.

“You’re really not going to give me even a _little_ about you and Remus,” Lily said pleadingly, which maybe would have had a better effect had she not just tried to nail him in the head with a writing utensil.

James sighed and relented, “I just got over it. When I went back to the dormitory last night, first thing, I told Remus that we were good and he had my blessing. It wasn’t a big show or anything.”

Through narrowed eyes, Lily studied him. She suspected he was leaving parts of the story out. Principally, she thought he was trying to downplay the emotion of the moment. He left out the bonding, which, let’s be honest, was the most compelling part of the story. She wanted him to admit how much his forgiveness had meant to Remus, own up to his own relief at making things right once more.

“That’s all I’m going to get?” Lily asked.

“Nothing else to say.”

“I’m going to ask Remus about it later, and you better hope his story matches up with yours,” Lily warned.

James held up his fingers to tick them off one by one as he said, “First, stop snooping. It’s annoying. Second, you really think after all these years we don’t just automatically cover for each other? It’s second nature to match each other’s stories. If you really wanted to trick the truth out of one of us, you’d have to be pretty damn subtle, and subtle thy name is not Lily Evans. Third, I spoke to you in confidence, Lily. You can’t go telling Remus that you know about what happened.”

He made a fair point. Not about the snooping, as Lily could hardly care whether he found her annoying. She could tell he wasn’t actually bothered anyway. If he was, the corners of his lips would dip down and he’d get that little crease in his forehead that he always got when he concentrated too hard. His aspersions on her ability to trick information out of an unwitting target were also completely off the mark. Lily could be subtle, damn it. Keeping her involvement a secret from Remus, however, made sense.

“If you don’t want me to ask him, you should just tell me yourself,” Lily bluffed.

James looked disgusted for a moment, that brow wrinkle appearing, and Lily felt terrible. It’s not like she would really run off and spill James’ secrets. She supposed he didn’t know that though.

“Would you want me to tell Williams everything you said last night?” James asked sharply.

“I’m not going to say anything to anyone. It would just be nice if you talked to me,” Lily said quickly. She didn’t answer his question about Alice because _obviously_ she’d have to kill him if he ever told Alice what they discussed and then afterwards she’d have to transfer schools to escape her embarrassment.

“We’re both very happy,” James said begrudgingly. “Fighting with your mates is exhausting, and I’m glad it’s over.”

Now was that so terribly difficult?

Lily would, of course, have liked a more thorough description of everything that was said, speculation on how Remus had felt, and confirmation that their friendship was stronger than ever. Unfortunately, she was going to have to settle, because Mr. Forthcoming was being stubborn.

There was another piece of gossip here, though, so Lily focused on that.

“Rin doesn’t mind you’re going with your friends instead?” Lily asked.

“Rin and I are…taking a moment to sort things out. I might grab a drink with her at some point, but the day is for my boys,” James said.

Lily lay her head down on the table and closed her eyes. “That sounds nice.”

“Umm, Lily, I know my plans are boring in comparison to yours, but I don’t think they’re so bad they should be putting you to sleep,” James said.

Groaning, Lily forced herself to sit up a little, “I’m just really tired. I told you that Tuesdays are the worst days for me.”

“Go get some rest, Lily. I can handle everything from here,” James urged, gently pulling the rounds’ schedule from her hands.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. There’s really not that much to do. Just answering the suggestions in the drop box and editing these papers,” James said.

“You won’t half-arse them right? Really, the students grow so much from this program,” Lily said, an enormous yawn making her words come out muffled and pathetic.

“I promise. Now go,” James insisted.

As she closed the door behind her, Lily took one last peek at James, hunched over the stack of papers and scribbling away. The sight of him hard at work was oddly endearing.

Lily was far too tired to consider why or to ruminate on the fact that James Potter was her friend and all of the trials that were sure to go with his friendship. Her brain was mushy and all she could think about was how warm and heavy the quilt her Great Aunt Gertrude had made for her would feel against her legs once she was curled up beneath it.

Tomorrow though…tomorrow would be her first official day as James’ friend, and she couldn’t help the smile that crept onto her face at the thought.

Any and all plans to go straight to an early bed were shattered when she entered her dormitory and discovered that the normal peace and quiet had been disrupted in favor of absolute chaos. Someone had apparently gone on a rampage, ripping clothes off hangers and shattering picture frames against the wall. It wasn’t hard to guess the culprit either as Shelia appeared to be coming down from hysterics, while Marlene patted her back comfortingly.

“What happened?” Lily demanded.

“He cheated!” Shelia gasped out through a fresh barrage of tears. “That bastard cheated!”

“No!” Lily cried. She crossed the room to join Marlene on the bed, wrapping her arms around Shelia’s lithe frame and feeling her tremble. “Tell me what happened.”

“I drugged him with your stupid color-changing potion and when I asked him about his lunch with Diana Urquart he turned black!” Shelia wailed.

Gently, Lily said, “Shelia, Jerome is black…”

“Blacker, Lily. Honestly!”

“Right, sorry. Well, it still doesn’t mean anything. Maybe he was just upset that you didn’t trust him. It doesn’t mean he actually cheated,” Lily said sensibly.

“I know that. I didn’t just jump to conclusions,” Shelia cried, sounding exactly like the type of person who flew to conclusions. “Because I didn’t trust him, I kept at him for the rest of the day, and he finally admitted to it.”

“Urquart is a slag, and you’re much prettier,” Lily said automatically.

“I know! Yet, he still snogged her when he’s supposed to be dating me,” Shelia said.

Marlene stroked her hair out of her face so that it didn’t get wet from her tears, “He’s a stupid, stupid boy with terrible taste.”

“A month! That’s all I ask. Wait a month and then I’ll shag your brains out. Is that all boys want from me?” Shelia’s voice came out garbled from her sobs.

Lily didn’t understand how this could have happened. They’d been dating only a week. How hard could it possibly be to remain faithful for a week? Even when faced with the temptation of Urquart’s perfect bum. He had seemed so genuinely interested in Shelia at the party as well. It was hard to wrap her head around how he could have done such a thing only two days later.

“Would you like one of my dates for Hogsmeade?” Lily asked. “I’ve a few too many. I’d be happy to share. I’ll say, ‘Hey, Paul, I’m loaning you out to Shelia for the day, yeah? Have fun!’”

That made Shelia give a watery chuckle. “I need a Ravenclaw. Someone that will drive him crazy and lives in the dorm with him.”

“There are no other fit fifth year Ravenclaws,” Marlene pointed out.

“Sacrifices must be made for revenge,” Shelia said.

Now that they had Shelia making jokes, Lily felt they could move forward a bit. Making sure to maintain eye contact, Lily told her, “I don’t know what Jerome was thinking. He probably doesn’t even know how to think, but you are wonderful. You are one of the funniest, most beautiful, interesting people I have ever met, and I am so lucky to have you as a friend.”

Shelia started to cry in earnest again, but Lily didn’t try to stop her this time. She figured she needed to get it all out. Instead, she pressed kisses into her hair and hummed tunelessly in what she hoped was a soothing tone. Following her lead, Marlene laid down so that her head was resting in Shelia’s lap – the two of them smothering her with attention.

“I’m back and I’ve brought cake,” Mary’s voice announced.

She was laden down with an enormous chocolate cake from the kitchens. As she didn’t seem surprised by the sight of Shelia in tears. Lily deduced that she had rushed off to the kitchens to retrieve comfort foods.

“No boy’s ever going to want me for anything other than a shag anyway, so I might as well get fat. Then they won’t want me at all,” Shelia sniffled.

Ultimately, Lily didn’t get to sleep that night until well past midnight. She was exhausted and emotionally drained, but sometimes there were more important things than looking after yourself, and by the end of the night Shelia had stopped crying. She never completely moved past her insistence that no boy would ever truly love her, but she did eat cake and come up with creative nicknames for Urquart. By the time Shelia fell asleep, Lily thought she might truly be fine.

And even though it wasn’t a Friday, Lily had some of that chocolate cake too. It tasted damn good.

Score:

Lily: 6 – James: 6

Number of times Lily assumed the worst of James Potter: 3  
Number of times Lily lied: 0  
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 2


	18. Oct 12: Of Upstarts, Delusional & Irritating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Drugs

“I know we don’t have a match for a couple of weeks still, but that’s no excuse for this shite flying!” James roared out at his players, surveying the chaos on the pitch.

“Maybe if you didn’t have us playing out in a thunderstorm, we’d be in better condition, Captain,” suggested Thalia Nickels, who was new to the team and had not yet fully internalized that there was no weather James Potter considered too intense for Quidditch practice. Hell, there was no weather James considered too intense for a fun pickup game amongst your mates. He’d play in a typhoon, probably enjoy it all the more for the added challenge.

True to her words, there was indeed a brewing thunderstorm that had darkened the sky. Raindrops fell like bullets, splattering fat and hard on their skin and drenching them through to the bone. So far, the lightning still seemed a few miles off, but it was growing nearer, and if it came too close he’d have to ground them all to avoid any unfortunate accidents. His mum had always warned him about the boy whose broom was struck by lighting and caught fire. Likely an old wives’ tale, but James wasn’t taking any chances. His mum was a smart woman.

“You’re only as good as how you play in the worst conditions, Nickels. If you can’t find the snitch now, I don’t give a damn if you can find the snitch when the sun is shining. Do you want me to hold your hand for you?” James barked.

“No sir,” Thalia said quickly, taking off to circle the pitch.

Truthfully, he knew there was no chance she was going to find the snitch today. He could hardly see four feet in front of him. The snitch would have to whizz up and slam straight into her face or she would never find it.

No, his real concern was the rest of his players. Greenberg’s weaknesses had never been put on clearer display. One of the necessary traits of a chaser was trusting that your teammates would be in position when you pulled a maneuver. James didn’t need to see Carmichael to drop the quaffle into his waiting hands below because he assumed the chaser would be in position. Eliza was not showing the same level of faith and without her eyesight to aid her, was butchering their every play.

Even more worryingly, Shelia was playing like a third year. She had failed to block just about every shot at the goal posts thus far, including some completely rudimentary shots by Carmichael. To test her, James had thrown a perfectly straightforward goal towards the middle goal post – no tricks, no twists, just head on. She had zoomed off and tried to block the post on the far-left.

“Girls! Am I missing something today? Have your cycles synched up? What’s going on?” he shouted.

“Fuck you, Potter!” Eliza shouted back from across the pitch. He thought she might have made a rude hand gesture at him, but in the onslaught of rain he couldn’t be sure.

“Witches, eh Potter?” Carmichael said conspiratorially.

James glared at his obnoxious chaser, vastly regretting having made the comment on their cycles in the first place. The last thing he ever wanted was Eric Carmichael thinking they were of the same sort.

“Higgles! Franklin! Carmichael needs to practice dodging bludgers. I want you to aim for him and him alone for the next twenty minutes!” James ordered vindictively.

Carmichael blanched. “I’m going to get killed!”

“Surely you’re a good enough flyer that you can avoid a few bludgers,” James said savagely. “Besides, better to practice now with your teammates that don’t really want to hurt you than to get brained by the opposing team during a match.”

It was left unsaid that the Gryffindor beaters probably really _did_ want to hurt him. Higgles and Franklin certainly looked more thrilled at the prospect of sending balls of destruction hurtling at their teammate than they should.

At that point, James pretty much gave up on running any form of conventional practice. There was no point in berating Shelia because he knew she could do better. Any practice now would be pointless. For whatever reason, she just wasn’t playing to her potential, and throwing quaffles at her to miss wasn’t going to help her improve.

He ended up running pretty straightforward drills with Greenberg, trying to improve their teamwork so that she would trust him to be there no matter what during the match. In all fairness, her concerns were probably fair. She had regressed from last year because Carmichael was such a prat. Having an arse who constantly criticized you did not foster an environment of teamwork. He’d need to give her some special attention so that she remained at her sharpest and didn’t get dragged down by Carmichael’s bad influence.

It was beyond frustrating that this late into the year they were still flying at this level, bogged down by lousy teamwork and rookie flying mistakes. If James had been performing like his teammates, he would have been down at the pitch every day practicing until the problems disappeared. Hell, he already went to the pitch nearly every day to practice, and he was arguably the best player at Hogwarts.

Winning the Quidditch Cup in his final year as captain mattered to James. Watching as just a first year in the stands and then as a player, he had known he could do better. That he could make the Gryffindor team great. He would leave Hogwarts undefeated. He had known it in his gut, more surely than he’d known anything else about his future.

And this was going to be the team that proved him wrong. Sure, his team had won the past two years, but James could only take moderate credit. Regardless of who had been captain, that team could have won. Their seeker had been one of the finest in decades, capturing the snitch in nearly every game he played. Two first class chasers and a decent-rate keeper on top of that all but ensured they’d never lose a match.

Now his team was gutted. He couldn’t rely on Thalia to find the snitch in time, so that made the chasers more important than ever, and Carmichael and Greenberg were a mess.

It wasn’t fair because he knew none of the other teams’ captains cared as much as he did. They couldn’t possibly. Quidditch was _his_. He’d done everything right, and he deserved to win in his last year.

Fifteen minutes later and practice was over. Shouting over to Shelia as she landed her broom, James said, “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but there won’t be a repeat next practice. Am I clear?”

Shelia rubbed at her eyes. “I just didn’t get much sleep last night. You see –”

“I don’t want to hear about your personal problems,” James said, holding up a hand to cut her off. “Keep it off the pitch from now on.”

Shelia looked rather offended at his dismissal, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t his job to coddle his players. When things went wrong in his life, he brought all his frustrations onto the pitch and channeled them into helping him play better. He would never let it negatively affect his performance. Expecting the same of his team was only fair.

Everyone hit the showers even though there wasn’t much of a point to it. They were already drenched, and while a warm shower would heat them up for a time, they’d have to walk in the freezing rain to get back to the castle afterwards, defeating the purpose.

“Tell me again, why they can’t just allow us to apparate into the castle?” Louis moaned as he stripped his sopping wet uniform off, struggling with the sleeves that had tightened to cleave to his arms like a second skin.

“Security risk,” Henry grunted.

“I’d rather Voldemort himself show up and start torturing me than go back out in that rain. It’s torrential,” Louis laughed, stepping into the warmth of the shower spray.

There was no good without the bad, and now was the moment where they got to experience the pay-off for their suffering in the rain. A shower had never felt so heavenly as it did then. Every muscle in James’ body relaxed during his first minute under the spray, and he was very much in danger of melting into a puddle. Then, Frank would have to carry him back to the castle, probably whining the whole way and ruining it for him.

“Lads, I am pretty sure that I’m officially cut,” Louis announced. He pressed his hands worshipfully against his stomach. “There’s no fat. I’m pure muscle!”

“Let me see,” James ordered. When Louis got close enough, James punched him in the stomach. “Dunno, think I felt some fat there.”

“Arse,” Louis wheezed, but he was laughing. “And a liar. You felt nothing but hard, hard muscle.”

“Sure, Franks, whatever you say,” Henry ribbed.

James turned back to his own shower, grinning. Not all captains were able to mess around with their team. Evander, the captain when he was a second and third year, had maintained a careful distance between him and his team, as if they might lose all respect for him the second he treated them as equals. James had always wanted to be a different sort of captain – respected but well-liked as well.

Of course, James had only been partially successful in turning this dream into a reality.

“You’ve got muscles all right, but fat lot of good that does you if you can’t aim the bludgers. I spent all my time dodging Higgles’ bludgers and not a single one from you. Are you blind or something?” Erik jeered.

The other three boys tensed with shared annoyance. This always happened. Erik would try to join in their good-natured mocking of each other and completely overshoot the mark.

He either couldn’t tell the difference between taking the mickey and actually insulting someone, or he just didn’t care. To be sure, sometimes he was aiming to offend. At other times, like now, he seemed to expect them to all laugh along with him.

“So Shelia played for shit today. Hope she gets it together soon because we don’t have anyone who could play replacement keeper,” Louis said, ignoring Erik completely.

“She and DesMarias broke up. Didn’t you hear?” Henry said.

The news hardly gained James’ interest. Shelia moved through blokes like they were chips. If anything, James was irritated that she’d thrown their practice over a bloke she’d been shagging for all of a week.

“Think I should ask her to go to Hogsmeade, then? Give her a bit of cheering up?” Henry suggested with the barest hint of a leer in his voice. So bare, in fact, that James almost missed it entirely.

“Didn’t you date her before? And you chucked her then,” Louis pointed out.

Henry snorted. “That was over two years ago. We were kids.”

“I’ve already got a date for Hogsmeade,” Carmichael interjected.

Silence descended as he waited for one of them to ask who. It was pathetic really. James was not going to be the one to break, so he became very interested in soaping behind his knees of all places to have an excuse to ignore him.

“Do you have a date, Potter?” Erik asked challengingly, after he caught on that none of them were interested in his dating life.

James straightened up as that wasn’t a question to answer while bent over naked, but he didn’t bother to feign interest. “Didn’t want one.”

“Not a fan of dating, huh? Well, to each his own,” Erik sighed. “Personally, I’m rather looking forward to _my_ date.”

“Bleeding hell,” Louis muttered. “Carmichael, just tell us which poor bird you’re taking already.”

“Since you asked,” Erik began triumphantly, proving he was more of a parody of a human being than a real one, “I’m taking Evans.”

“Fuck off. She never dates,” Henry said immediately.

“I guess she’s making an exception. She asked me yesterday,” Erik boasted.

“A tosser like him gets a date with Evans,” Louis mumbled under his breath. “I don’t want to live in this world.”

James found he rather agreed.

“She’s rather fit, isn’t she?” Erik persisted.

For the love of Merlin, James was going to hex him. As far as locker room talk went, Carmichael couldn’t have been more gentlemanly, and it wasn’t like James was above lewdly sharing some of his past exploits. Still, hearing Carmichael’s desperate bid to impress them with Lily – who, yes, literally everyone knew was fit – was rubbing him the wrong way.

“Hey, Captain, you used to have a thing for her didn’t you?” Erik asked as if he could have possibly forgotten.

It was at this point that James stopped caring about setting a good example as captain and fostering team camaraderie. He was not going to allow fucking Carmichael, of all people, to use Lily to try and one up him. She wasn’t James’ fucking weakness.

Turning to face him for the first time, James said, “I’d heard Evans was going with Pratt. We’re a team, Carmichael. You don’t have to tell stories about a girl to try and impress us.”

Hearing Henry and Louis’ snickers did wonders for the tension in his body. The sounds of their approval were like a command to his body to release.

“I’m definitely going with Lily. I didn’t just make it up,” Erik insisted, sounding a lot less confident now that he had to defend his position.

“She asked me to clear Pratt from rounds so it didn’t interfere with their date,” James said coldly.

The two beaters didn’t require any more evidence to conclude that Erik was full of shite, and exchanged looks of malicious glee. In their eyes, Erik had sunk to a new level of pathetic. James could only wish he had a larger audience to witness how red Carmichael turned at this new information. James reflected that there was great satisfaction to be had in putting pricks back in their place.

They paid Erik no mind as he uttered another quick insistence that his date with Lily wasn’t imaginary and raced out of the shower. A brief pang of regret intruded on James’ victory as he realized Erik was probably heading straight to confront an unsuspecting Lily. Her harebrained three-dates plan had been destined to explode in her face, with or without his interference, so he comforted himself with the knowledge that he had only sped the process along.

Was a friendship that ended after one day a new record?

He rushed through the process of cleaning up then, drying off and putting on his clothes and then returning to the castle to repeat those steps again with dry clothes. Quidditch practice always left him starved and dinner was already started. Saliva flooded his mouth just imagining sinking his teeth into a nice, hot roast.

Despite his almost single-minded race to the Great Hall, the sight outside it did give him pause. Unmistakable even from the back with his silky, shoulder-length hair, Sirius had one foot propped up against a wall for leverage, while he appeared to try and yank some unknown object off the wall. His body effectively blocked it from view, so James had no choice but to investigate.

Hearing approaching footsteps, Sirius hissed, “Unless you intend to assist, you can sod right off.”

“Mate?”

Sirius stopped his struggling at the sound of James’ voice and spared him a cursory glance, “Oh, it’s you.”

“Wow, Padfoot, hop off my dick. If you keep acting this happy to see me, rumors will really start flying,” James said sarcastically.

“My friend. My soulmate. I am overjoyed to see you,” Sirius mocked. “Satisfied?”

“Seems appropriate,” James shrugged.

Forgetting whatever had him in a strop, Sirius grinned.

“So what’re you doing exactly?”

Giving a beleaguered sigh, Sirius stepped away from the wall and gestured to a portrait that had been hung there. It took James a moment to identify what it was supposed to be as it was clearly painted by a novice – a pretty talented kid but hardly a master like the painters of all the other portraits at Hogwarts. Smudgy and only painted from the waist down, were the Marauders.

He watched curiously as the painted Sirius mugged for his audience, turning his head to the side to show off his best angles. They were in the background, but it looked like the other three were trying to carve their way out of the back of the painting and into the real world even though such a thing was impossible.

Ridiculously, James’ first thought was that the artist had given him far too sharply pointed a nose. Sure as a kid it had been a little unflattering, but he thought he’d grown into it quite well. It was more elegant than the portrait depicted.

“Funny,” James commented.

Sirius gave him a dark look. His need to explain himself disappeared when portrait Sirius suddenly said, “Say no to drugs!”

The other Marauders-in-portrait were quick to join in.

“–Marijuana rots the brain!”

“–Give hugs not drugs!”

“–Cool kids everywhere are saying yes to love and no to drugs!”

“What the fuck?” James asked.

Hands thrown up in frustration, Sirius cried. “I have no sodding idea. It was just here when I came for dinner, and they’ve been shouting about the horrors of marijuana to everyone who walks by, which, seeing as it’s dinnertime, would be the whole school.”

“Lily wasn’t impressed by the whole high at supper thing, huh?” James surmised.

“I think that’d be a safe bet,” Sirius snarled, returning to his efforts to wrench the portrait free from the wall.

Talk about clever. He knew Lily was bright, but he couldn’t believe that in a little over twenty-four hours, she’d painted a portrait of them, bewitched it, and convinced their painted avatars to shout anti-drug slogans. When this bet was over, he might need to commission her to help come up with prank ideas because she had a natural flair for it.

“It’s kind of brilliant,” James admitted.

Sirius made a highly offended noise. “This is how you want to be remembered? Years from now, students will say, ‘Oh, Black and Potter? Weren’t they the really square ones in the portrait outside the Great Hall who think you can overdose on spliff?’”

“Legacy aside, it’s not that bad. We can at least eat first,” James said, unruffled.

“I don’t know how you could possibly,” Sirius said. Still, he allowed James to steer him into the Great Hall with an arm flung casually around his shoulders. There were a few calls from students about the dangers of drugs, but James just shouted back his agreement, earning laughs from the older students.

All he wanted was to tuck in and eat so many potatoes he couldn’t walk afterwards. As fate would have it, however, he was able to get four bites in before being accosted by the burly form of Ryan McLaggen.

“Oy! Care to tell me what that stunt outside was all about,” Ryan growled in way that James thought was meant to be menacing.

“You mean the portrait?”

“Yes, Potter, I mean the portrait. Where do you get off smoking my product and then turning around and trying to chase off all my other customers?” McLaggen demanded.

In an effort to be intimidating, he planted his hands on the table and leaned forward to get disturbingly close to James’ face. The effect was somewhat diminished for three reasons. First, while McLaggen was pretty built, he was picking a fight while all four Marauders were gathered together, and there was no way he could take on all of them at once. Second, he was trying to be covert so as not to draw the attention of the professors, so he hunched his shoulders flat and dipped into the table in the hope that his body would be blocked by the heads of the other students. As a result, it looked ridiculously like he was laying on the table and peering up into James’ eyes. Third, his elbow had landed in a plate of peas, and wondering when McLaggen would notice was all James could think about.

“It wasn’t us,” Remus said.

“Who else in this school would pull something like this?” McLaggen said dismissively.

Any other month of the year he would have been right. The Marauders had gained so much notoriety because they were the only ones that took the initiative to break up the mundane, to challenge the student body to have some fun in between the endless classwork. They’d never really had any competition.

“As you said, we smoke the product,” Remus whispered. “Why would we start an anti-drugs campaign?”

“Dunno, maybe you thought you were being iconic,” McLaggen said.

‘Iconic?’ James mouthed at Peter, who shrugged his shoulders helplessly to indicate he didn’t understand either.

“Perchance you mean _ironic_ , mate?” Sirius said a bit nastily.

“Whatever! You’re all trying to be smart, and it’s not funny,” McLaggen growled.

The only reason Sirius didn’t make a wisecrack about them not having to _try_ to be smart unlike some people was because James stepped on his foot immediately. Years of practice had made him an expert at spotting just the openings Sirius lived for.

“I don’t get why you even care. It’s not like your customers are going to stop buying just because we supposedly think “pot’s not hot,” Remus pointed out reasonably.

“I’m not worried about the now. I’m trying to look ahead. Think about the future. I’m a businessman,” McLaggen said. “If you lot say it’s uncool, no one’s going to want to try it.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere, McLaggen,” James laughed.

Judging by the fuming look he gave James in response, McLaggen did not consider this a laughing matter, “Until you deal with this mess, you’re cut off. I won’t sell to you for all the Galleons in Gringotts.”

Remus made a pained noise and shot a desperate look in their direction. The only other person in the game was Oliver Beaumont and everyone knew he sold weak shite.

“That might be a good thing,” Dahlia piped up from where she was sitting at Remus’s side. “Why should you need drugs to have fun? Isn’t life wonderful enough on its own?”

If James was still dating Dahlia, Sirius would not have bothered to hide his derision at her naivety. James had certainly never cared as long as Sirius kept it within reason. Remus was far more protective, however, considering he actually liked the girl, and so Sirius managed to limit himself to an eye roll.

Remus was equally struggling with his reaction though. Even if he wasn’t chemically addicted, at this point, he was certainly emotionally reliant on dope to get through his day. There was so much shite in his life that a little something to dull the edge had done wonders for his disposition. No girlfriend, no matter how cute and well-matched to him, would be able to replace that.

“We’re going to take care of the painting, mate. Trust us,” Sirius said.

He had a way of saying ‘mate’ that made it sound like the most pejorative insult in the world. It left McLaggen looking rather dumbfounded, trying to work out just how Sirius could have been attacking him with his innocent statement. Maybe he was just wary because trusting Sirius rarely worked in anyone’s favor.

“You’d better,” he warned.

Even though they were meant to be placating him, James couldn’t hold his tongue any longer, “You’re about to burst a blood vessel, McSlaggen. Just sit down and take a breather.”

Said blood vessel ticked dangerously, but he did take James’ advice and went back to the Hufflepuff table.

“Calling him McSlaggen really isn’t very nice, James,” Dahlia said.

“You’re right. I’ll try to be nicer,” James said woodenly.

Merlin, was that going to get old fast.

People like Dahlia would smile even as you spit in their face. Maybe being a martyr got them off, and they enjoyed being able to go to bed congratulating themselves on how they hadn’t fought back. She was in Gryffindor, so James figured there must be some kind of bravery to it that he was just missing. All the same, it wasn’t for him.

No amount of support for his friend and the relationship that made him happy was going to make James pretend to be something he wasn’t. If Dahlia couldn’t adapt to their group of friends, then she was going to put Remus in a pretty awkward position. She could either be the cool type of girlfriend who hung out with her boyfriend’s mates, or she could be the girl who had to constantly compete for his time. There was no in between.

Over the years, James had been fairly lucky in that he’d dated some pretty great girls. Ones who could take a joke and give as good as they got. Maybe they’d never slotted into the Marauders perfectly, but a little bit of tension was to be expected. He’d also had girlfriends who had made his mates want to tear their hair out. Those girls never lasted long.

No matter how dreamy-eyed Remus was about Dahlia, they wouldn’t last if she fell into the former category either. Girls were great but mates were fate or some equally silly rubbish saying that Sirius had taken to quoting when they were third years. James didn’t question for a second that Remus would choose to spend time with them over any girl.

Watching as Remus buried his nose in Dahlia’s mass of dark curly hair, James hoped she’d worked it out. For Remus’s sake.

Maybe it was because he was tired from a particularly draining practice and not in the mood to talk himself, but James couldn’t help but notice that there were a lot of strange happenings at the Gryffindor table. He wasn’t a complete idiot when it came to social cues, but he didn’t track the interpersonal relationships of the people around him. He rarely cared enough to bother and felt more comfortable when everyone was paying attention to him rather than the other way around.

Everything seemed different lately though. The status quo, established over years of classes together, had been disrupted on multiple levels. Everywhere he looked, there were classmates talking who had previously never given each other the time of day, or people pointedly ignoring old friends. It made him nervous. Sitting where he was, he felt like he was the only one who wasn’t moving. His mates were still his mates. His enemies were still his enemies. Trapped in one place. Knowing that he was happy wasn’t even a particular comfort.

For an example of all of this new tension, he needed to look no further than across from him and slightly to the right where Mary was trying to engage Sirius in a conversation. Sort of.

“Sirius, would you pass the pudding?” Mary asked quietly.

James watched as Sirius wordlessly complied, never looking at Mary as he did so. James could recognize a peace offering when he saw one. It wasn’t nearly as effective as an apology, but Mary appeared to be trying to mend her bridges with Sirius. Asking for the pudding may not have looked significant to an outsider, but constrained politeness coming from Mary was the equivalent of begging on bended knee from someone else. Sirius was not going to get anything better.

All the same, Sirius was showing no interest in meeting her half-way.

It was getting a little weird. So, Mary had sucker-punched him. Lots of people had before and it had never really fazed him. Sirius thrived on violence, never feeling so alive as when his body was smarting and adrenaline raced through his veins.

At first, James had written off Sirius’s continued vendetta because Sirius had been touchy in general on Monday, and James had been too distracted by Remus yesterday to think much of it. As the days stretched by, however, and Sirius showed no signs of thawing, James was becoming confused.

Normally, James and Sirius were perfectly in sync when it came to what they found funny. James had found it hilarious, ergo Sirius should have as well once his wounded pride had healed a bit. That wasn’t happening. It was disconcerting for James to realize he couldn’t dissect Sirius’s thoughts on the matter.

“Sirius are you still free for the second part of our interview?” Marlene asked.

Sirius made a non-committal noise in answer. Regardless of his opinion on the matter, Sirius would be going. James didn’t care if he had to levitate him there, kicking and screaming. The first article had been gold, and he couldn’t wait for the follow-up.

“I understand if you’re too busy. It’s not like it’s important or anything,” Marlene mumbled.

Before his eyes, James watched Sirius soften. “I’ll make the time for you. We can talk after dinner.”

James froze with a spoonful of carrots still half-dangling out of his mouth. If he was not mistaken, he had just witnessed Sirius Black go out of his way to set someone else at ease. This was the boy who made it his life’s mission to make uncomfortable as many people as possible. The only person whose feelings Sirius had ever prioritized was…well, James. Sirius wouldn’t even alter his behavior to accommodate Remus or Peter.

A foot, probably Remus’s, collided with his shin under the table. It was all the proof James needed to know that Remus had read the situation the same way. Sirius hadn’t liked seeing Marlene looking so insecure, and he’d done his best to make her feel better.

James was beginning to suspect he understood just what had so bothered Sirius about the Mary situation. And he could add those two to the list of people who were suddenly acting bizarre around each other.

Leaning close to Remus’s ear, Dahlia whispered something that set them both off into a round of giggling followed by a round of snogging. James was absolutely guilty of being one of those boyfriends who was obnoxiously affectionate in public, but it didn’t stop him from finding it annoying when the same behavior was demonstrated by others. They could be a little more circumspect in their happiness.

As if reading his mind, Shelia said snippily, “Could you be a little less in my face with your happiness? It’s rude.”

Dahlia actually looked ashamed and dropped Remus’s hand as if she’d done something wrong. They’d need to find a way to toughen her up some. Clearly Remus was of the same opinion because he scooped her hand right back up and gave Shelia a look that conveyed disappointment.

“I’m so sorry. How are you holding up?” Dahlia asked sweetly.

“I’m just dandy,” Shelia said unconvincingly.

An additional downside of Remus’s new girlfriend was that she came with all of her friends. There had never been any set group the Marauders ate with, mixing up and down the table, though they probably spent the most time with the seventh year girls. So, Dahlia’s friends weren’t strangers. They were, however, loud and seemed to only want to gossip. Ignoring Shelia’s romantic troubles became much harder when there was a group of girls eager to ask questions.

“At least he had the good sense not to show his face today,” Margaret Hutchens said. They all looked over at the Ravenclaw table where Jerome was conspicuously absent.

“If only others could be less shameless,” sniffed Elise Biggins.

“Urquart doesn’t bother me. She’s not even that pretty,” Shelia said dismissively, earning a chorus of female agreement.

Absent was the agreement of the boys who all became completely absorbed in shoving food in their mouths. James had snogged Urquart in fifth year, and he _never_ went for ugly girls. Plus, she had the nicest arse in the castle. Sharing this information would probably get him banned from the table, so he kept it to himself.

“DesMarais isn’t here because he’s in the Hospital Wing,” Petra North informed them.

“He’s hiding in the Hospital Wing? That’s commitment,” Mary said, darkly amused.

“No, last I heard Williams put him there. She made his bollocks shrivel up or something,” North informed them.

Peter made a pained sound at this new information, and Sirius dropped his fork as if he couldn’t possibly continue eating. The Hogwarts rumor mill being what it was, James figured it was probably something less horrifying that landed DesMarais in the Hospital Wing…but then again it was Alice. There was no bird in school more horrifying when it came to revenge against cheating blokes. People still only spoke in whispers about what she did to her last boyfriend when he chucked her.

“Alice put Jerome in the Hospital Wing?” Shelia repeated.

“Yeah,” North confirmed.

Shelia exchanged meaningful looks with her roommates.

“Maybe it’s a coincidence?” Marlene whispered hopefully.

“Damn, now I feel like a bitch,” Shelia said, shoving her plate away from her.

James was feeling mighty vindicated by the looks of guilt on all of their faces. Had he not urged Lily to hurry up and make nice with Alice already? They shouldn’t be so surprised that Alice would lash out in defense of Shelia. Alice was a good friend even if they weren’t.

“We need to go find her,” Mary sighed.

“Aww, are you guys going to make up? It’s been so sad watching you be on the outs with each other. You’re all such good friends,” Dahlia interjected.

Judging by the look of annoyance on Shelia’s face, Dahlia’s unceasing kindness was not appreciated. James would have made a joke about cat-fights, but Mary’s attack on Sirius was too fresh in his mind. That hadn’t been a silly, little punch. If these girls ever came to blows, it wouldn’t be funny to watch.

“Last I heard, McGonagall put her straight into detention. You won’t be seeing her anytime soon,” North said.

“Great! As if my day wasn’t already ruined, now I have to sit around feeling guilty until Alice is out of detention. This is just like her,” Shelia said unreasonably. “I’m going to the library. Might as well study since my life couldn’t get any worse. If any of you see Lily, tell her about Alice for me.”

“Where is Evans anyway? I have a few choice words I’d like to share with her,” Sirius snarled, returning the conversation to the painting outside.

“Erik burst in about ten minutes ago and said he needed to talk with her,” Arianne Fenwick supplied helpfully.

“I asked her about it before she left,” Remus said dourly. “She just kind of ranted something about brain sludge and how we’re the lucky, new faces of her anti-drugs campaign. I got the impression that she doesn’t really get how dope works.”

“It’s anti-progressive propaganda is what it is. The man knows that hash can open your mind and has fueled all the best activism of the last century. If you want to maintain the current power structure, you cut off the weed supply. Turn the people into sheep!” Margaret Hutchens said, banging her fist on the table and reminding James why he liked the green-haired fifth year so much. “Everyone knows the suffragettes smoked, like, daily.”

This prompted a long conversation about just what tactics the government had used to discredit the use of drugs and a description of the glorious history of muggle activism. Remus especially was fascinated, even though Dahlia frequently interjected that she wasn’t sure if all of Hutchens’ claims were completely true. They had to practically drag him away when they were finished eating to deal with the painting.

Once they were in the hall, Sirius set the tone by getting straight to business.

“The painting comes down,” Sirius said ominously.

The rest of them exchanged worried glances. That kind of intensity coming from Sirius never boded well.

“It’s only Evans. It’s not like Flitwick himself charmed it onto the wall,” Remus said positively. “How hard can it be?”

The answer turned out to be very hard indeed.

What followed was fifteen minutes of increasingly ludicrous attempts to rend the painting from the wall. Attempts at using sheer physical strength yielded nothing except for a strained hamstring for Remus and a sore toe for James from when Sirius stomped on it.

Then came the counter curses. Peter had optimistically tried a Finite Incantatum as if they were dealing with an amateur instead of Miss Charms herself. James ran quickly to the library and brought back a book dedicated specifically to counter-charms. Sixty pages in and the results were the same. The painting had not budged.

“I thought you were supposed to be an expert on this. Didn’t Regulus say your posters are still all up at home?” James groused.

Despite McLaggen’s urging, James couldn’t pretend to care much about the painting. Certainly it didn’t warrant this kind of effort, and now his toe was sore. He’d rather just be done with the entire business. He was already going to lose out on his evening doing inventory for Slughorn. Wasting the little bit of spare time he had wasn’t appealing.

“I excel in causing chaos. Not reversing it,” Sirius said without removing his eyes from the portrait. “I think we’re just going about this the wrong way.”

Remus slumped to the ground, not even bothering to pretend to be interested in helping anymore. “We’re not going to beg. Just tell us, so we can get this over with.”

“Maybe we don’t need to get it off the wall. We just need to move the wall itself,” Sirius said.

Peter began nervously, “You’re not saying…”

“Lads, I think we should blow up the wall,” Sirius announced. He threw his hands in the air as if his idea was worthy of celebration and grinned toothily.

Shrieks of horror and outrage came from the occupants of the painting. They had hardly been supportive of their rough attempts to take them down so far. The painting of Sirius was particularly loud about his dislike of being jostled, while Portrait-James was an evil, little git too who had taken great pleasure in laughing at their every failure. Blasting them off the wall was a bit more serious.

“What if you damage the frame?” the painting of Peter screamed in horror. “You could _murder_ us!”

“That is the worst idea I’ve ever heard,” Remus said, disregarding their painted counterparts.

“I have no idea when you became so boring,” Sirius said.

“Sirius, I will blow up just about any wall in the castle with you. The one right outside the Great Hall in the middle of dinner though? There’s no way we’re not getting caught. None,” Remus said.

Sirius waved a hand dismissively. “We cast. We run. It couldn’t be simpler. By the time the professors come running out to investigate, we’ll be long gone.”

“Your fool-proof plan of escape is just to run?” Peter asked. He couldn’t quite bring himself to sound disapproving of anything Sirius said, but he came damn close just then.

“To run _fast_ ,” Sirius said. “Come on, Prongs’ll blow up the wall with me. Won’t you, mate? You don’t put limitations on our friendship, like ‘ _oh, I will only blow up_ some _walls with you_.’ No, you’ll blow them all up!”

Well, he couldn’t very well so no after that. Technically speaking, this was probably another example of him shirking his responsibilities under the bet, but what Lily didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. And James really did enjoy a good explosion.

“No one’s asking you to cast the spell, Moony, and if we get caught, we’ll take the fall. Could you just give us a little advice on how to do this?” James asked.

Remus rolled his eyes pointedly to let them all know he thought they were idiots, but he stood up and started examining the painting anyway. His fingers slid along the frame, probing for the weak spots.

“Get your enormous hands off of me!” shouted the painted Remus.

“You know, this is your own faults. If you had just acted like a respectable painting of us would, and shouted at girls as they walked by, we wouldn’t be here now. You could stay hanging here forever. But no, you had to be the least cool version of myself I’ve ever seen. I didn’t even know it was possible for a version of Sirius Black to be such a tosser,” Sirius said, happy now that they had a plan in place.

“Slander!” shrieked back Sirius’s painted self.

“Wait! Wait! Wait! Let’s just talk this out then. What if we agree to stop shouting anti-drug slogans? We’ll say whatever you want,” the second Remus offered.

The other Marauders in the painting all ganged up on Remus then, punching him in the arm and overall abusing his little person. “Don’t you ruin this for me!” the fake James hissed as Sirius shouted, “Traitor!”

“Are we missing something here?” the real Remus asked.

Just like in the real world, the painted Peter turned out to be the weakest link. They all stared at him menacingly until he cracked under the pressure. “Alright, I’ll tell you!”

“Wormtail!”

“The red-haired girl told us that if we don’t say what she wants, she’ll hang us in the fifth floor corridor near the Arithmancy classrooms where no one ever goes, and we’re sure to die of boredom. But if we do what she wants for the week, afterwards she’ll hang us in the girl’s dormitory for a _whole_ _month_ ,” Peter explained.

Well if that didn’t beat all.

“If you agree to stop with the drugs-are-rotting-your-brain bit, we can hang you somewhere nice, like what about across from the painting of the Quidditch match on the second floor or the bathing nymphs. You’d like that one right,” Remus reasoned.

“Nice try. The red-haired girl already agreed to hang us across from the Quidditch match when our month is up,” the painting of James said, waving his hand to dismiss the protests from the other painted Marauders that _they_ wanted to be hung across from the nymphs. “We’re not coming down.”

“Why don’t you just walk into a different painting?” Peter asked.

The fake Sirius looked deeply offended. “I’m not sure how it could have escaped your notice that we were painted without _legs_.”

A rather cruel oversight for a talking portrait if there ever was one. They would be trapped and dependent on other paintings to visit them instead.

“Why does it matter who hangs you? We’ll move you right now! And then you don’t have to stand here bored and yelling at students as they walk by,” Remus offered.

Fake-James crossed his arms petulantly, “Even _Quidditch_ can’t compare to the goddess that hung us here. I may have been born literally today, but I know she’s the most beautiful girl who’s ever walked this earth, and I’m getting hung next to her bed if I have to shout myself hoarse for the next eight years to get there.”

There was a beat of silence before Peter snorted, “Merlin, they painted fifth-year you!”

James closed his eyes, pained at the realization. It explained why the nose didn’t quite fit. The artist must have used an old photograph of the Marauders as their model.

Being understandably more familiar with what a fifth-year James Potter was like than anyone else, James knew there would be no arguing with him. Nothing could make him cringe like remembering how utterly besotted he had been by Lily’s every move back then. He tried to block out those dark times because it was too embarrassing to dwell on.

“Give us a moment, fellas,” Sirius said waving his hand to gather them all in a huddle to discuss these new developments.

“Well, now I feel bad. I kind of like them,” Peter whispered. “If I was ever trapped in a painting, I’d hope that someone would hang me somewhere nice and warm and not in the fifth floor corridor.”

“I suppose it wouldn’t be too bad if they kept it up for just a week. I just didn’t want them ruining our reputations for future generations. Living legends don’t have barmy paintings with a vendetta against fun,” Sirius said.

“McLaggen will have a fit if we leave it up,” Remus argued.

“So what? Shouldn’t you be giving the spliff up? Something tells me your new bird isn’t going to like it,” Sirius said.

“What she doesn’t know won’t kill her,” Remus said stiffly.

“Ooh! Keeping secrets, Moony. That’s hardly healthy,” James teased.

“Of all the secrets I’m keeping, something tells me that Dahlia’s going to be least concerned with the fact that I smoke a bit of pot,” Remus said.

Peter mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like a disbelieving, “A bit?”

 “Listen, honorable Messers, I hear all of your points, and I too, sympathize with the plight of these handsome, painted men. There’s only one problem,” James said with faux-gravity. “I kind of really want to blow up that wall!”

Guffaws and whoops of laughter met his statement. He could feel Sirius’s shoulder quivering with mirth from where he had a comradely arm draped around him.

“It _has_ been a while since we’ve seen a good explosion,” Sirius drawled wickedly.

“Didn’t you blow up Snape’s potion like two days ago?” Peter asked.

“Like, four days ago,” James said. “And you fine men didn’t get to see it. Now, I ask you, how is that fair?”

A slow, jagged smile crept across Remus’s face. “Not fair at all.”

The Marauders’ friendship had literally started with a bang. Towards the end of their first week at Hogwarts, James and Sirius had already discovered that they were soulmates and Peter was dogging their footsteps, but Remus remained the odd one out. He was too restrained, too polite. None of them knew at eleven how to talk to him when he wouldn’t answer questions about where he got his cool scars or agree to sneak out after curfew. Secretly, James had been terrified that Remus was too cool for him and that’s why he didn’t take more of an interest.

Everything changed when Remus practiced some simple wand work in their dormitory that first week and proceeded to accidentally set Sirius’s bed on fire. It was the most brilliant thing any of them had ever seen in their short lives. Having their burns treated in the Hospital Wing later, they realized they weren’t so different after all, and a legendary friendship was born.

Blowing up a portion of the wall was really just a tribute to the events that brought them together.

Their plan of casting and running turned out to have some issues. Principally, they had to carry away the chunk of the wall the painting was still magically adhered to and solid stone was heavy. Even decrepit, old Professor Binns could outrun them as they all tried to jog with the weight of the stone distributed between them and their fingers scraping to find purchase on the hunk of rock. Also, the painting of James wanted them to get caught and was making a ruckus, shouting out their guilt for all to hear.

“Who doesn’t have a detention this week?” Sirius asked desperately.

Their eyes all flickered to Remus, and he groaned. “Fuck! Fine, but you owe me one.”

They could hear shouting getting closer so James only gave a quick “Cheers, mate!” before he raced down the corridor, no longer burdened by the painting which they left in Remus’s capable hands. They’d only barely dodged out of sight when James heard McGonagall’s furious voice demanding an explanation.

“You know, they’re going to confiscate the painting anyway. We should have just dropped it and all run,” Peter said through gasping breaths.

“Well fuck, Wormy. You couldn’t have come up with that before we sacrificed Remus?” Sirius said harshly.

Peter only shrugged helplessly, so James jumped in to defend him. “It’s good for Moony to get a detention. If Dahlia’s going to be sticking around, she’ll need to learn how things work.”

“Shouldn’t she be okay with it? I mean, she already dated you. She knows what kind of trouble we get up to,” Peter said.

“And she chucked him. Clearly, she wasn’t my boy’s biggest fan,” Sirius laughed.

James made a rude hand gesture in retaliation. It was still a bit of a sore spot no matter how much he’d forgiven Remus.

“I never said she had good taste, did I?” Sirius said. “Really, Remus over you? She must not have eyes. Or ears. The brain’s in question too.”

“I am pretty great, aren’t I?”

“The best,” Sirius said seriously.

James grinned to himself, pleased.

Over the years, James had often been accused of being conceited. He would challenge all of his detractors to try being best mates with Sirius Black and not be. Sure, Sirius could give him a hard time and did so with relish, but behind that was the sincere belief that James was perfect. Sirius didn’t believe in self-betterment. If he liked someone, they should never have to change.

There was no one Sirius liked more than James.

“I don’t want to spend all night with Slughorn,” James groaned, letting his head slam backwards into the wall.

“Then skive off,” Sirius suggested.

“I have to start taking this bet more seriously or Lily’s going to beat me,” James said.

Sirius sighed artfully, the kind of sigh where James knew he wanted someone to ask him what was bothering him. “Careful with that, mate.”

“Why d’you say that?” James asked.

“You just seem to have a lot in common with that painting of you lately. Seems like he’s not the only one who cares what Evans thinks a bit too much.”

And, while James was hardly reverting back to his fifth year obsession, there may have been more truth there than he cared to admit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of loathe this chapter. I promise chapter 19 is much better all around. I'll try to post Saturday so that there's not a long wait between this blahness and the good stuff.


	19. Oct 12: Of Fears, Legitimate & Unrealized

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hard to give content warnings without spoilers but: hospitals tw, injury tw

**Oct. 12, 1977**

Spending time with Slughorn was not James’ cuppa. If there’d been any doubt before, it had been summarily erased after his first hour inventorying Slughorns’ potions stores. It wasn’t that the man was atrocious or anything. James just hated how he had to hold back the entire time he was in Slughorn’s company. He could never be himself because that’s not what Slughorn liked about him. Slughorn thrived in a world where everyone was always on their best behavior and trying to impress one another. Deep down, James didn’t give a shit what Slughorn thought about him, so having to manage his expressions and his answers to every question was draining.

For that reason, he was extremely grateful when, around eight, there was a knock on the door. There, looking to speak with Slughorn, was none other than Lily. His new mate, Lily. That was taking some getting used to.

“Aww, did you stop in to see me, Lily? I’m touched,” James greeted.

Lily gave him a look that told him in no uncertain terms that he was not who she was there to see before turning decidedly to face Slughorn. “Good evening, professor. I hope I’m not disturbing you, only I had some questions on the assigned reading.”

“You mean the reading that is due tomorrow? Leaving it to the last minute, Miss Evans. I am shocked,” Slughorn tsked in mock disappointment.

“I finished the assigned materials yesterday. My questions are really from my supplemental reading,” Lily explained.

James coughed to try to mask his loud snort. It was like she couldn’t help but be a professor’s wet dream.

“Oh, ho ho, my dear,” Sluggy chortled. “You should listen carefully, Mr. Potter. Our Miss Evans always asks the most insightful questions.”

At Slughorn’s say-so, Lily began, “Well during my reading, I read that Amir Varmini created a potion to help his research. One that would allow him to observe the effects of the tests he performed on himself even while technically unconscious and therefore distanced from experiencing the pain.”

“Quite right. The potion was invented utilizing his understanding of Occlumency and the human capacity to segment the mind. The sensory portions of your brain shut down, but you’re able to maintain your critical thinking to a certain extent,” Sluthorn explained.

“I think I’m confused as to why there isn’t more information available on this potion. Unless I’m misunderstanding something, the possibilities for use seem endless, or at the very least Varamini’s research should have been a launching point for further potions development,” Lily said.

“I think our Master Varamini was an interesting specimen. He was a bit of a controlling fellow and refused to trust his research assistants with recording even the most rote observations. I think you’ll find the market for people who want to remain conscious during invasive medical procedures is actually rather small,” Slughorn said.

Lily shook her head, “Of course I agree with that, but what about…say what if we gave the potion to some of the most advanced thinkers in our society every day so that even while their bodies slept and received the necessary rest, a part of their mind was still thinking, still hypothesizing. With the amount of time we waste sleeping, they’d increase their productivity at least twenty percent!”

Slughorn _beamed_ in response. You’d think the man had swallowed the sun and it was about to explode out of him and all over an expectant Lily. James was no stranger to impressing the people around him – other students, his mum, the reluctant professors – but he didn’t think he’d ever had someone look so positively enthralled by him.

“I’m afraid that the human mind requires complete repose to fully recuperate, but it’s an excellent idea, Miss Evans, and one that not many would have. I never cease to be amazed by your keenness for developing real world applications for our classwork. So few students take an interest,” Slughorn complimented.

“Thank you, sir, but I still feel there must be something. What about…werewolves?” Lily said, causing James to knock into one of the ingredients shelves and almost send the entire thing over on top of him. Slughorn sent him a wary look, but returned his attention to Lily when it became clear that James was not an immediate threat to the potions cupboard or himself.

“Can you elucidate further?” Slughorn prompted.

“Well, from everything I’ve read, the aftermath of the werewolf transformation is incredibly painful for the sufferer because of the damage they inflict upon their bodies. If they were able to retain some portion of their mind during the transformation, couldn’t they reduce that damage?” Lily explained.

James swore his heart was about to stop. That there could be some medical solution to Remus’s suffering, a breakthrough just around the corner had never occurred to any of them as far as James was aware. They had done everything they could to help Remus through his monthly plights, but they were just three seventeen-year-old boys. He supposed they’d always assumed that if Dumbledore didn’t know the answer no one would. The possibility was staggering.

“The part of your mind that you retain does not reserve any execution function, Miss Evans. It would probably be more traumatic for the werewolf because he or she would recognize the damage they inflict upon themselves and have no way to stop it,” Professor Slughorn explained.

“But surely further research using the Varamini’s potion as the launching point would be appropriate. It sounds like a start. If you can maintain a portion of your mind, why couldn’t you, with a similar potion, retain a different portion, one that does give you executive control?” Lily said undeterred.

“The ingredients used in this potion are on the expensive side, my dear. I imagine it would be all but impossible to receive the necessary funding if the intended use was merely to improve the lives of werewolves,” Slughorn said.

The unfairness of this statement nearly bowled James over. Even worse than the idea that there might not be a solution to help Remus was the possibility that there was one and that wizarding society held his friend in such low regard that they couldn’t be bothered to help. Slughorn didn’t seem to find this reality at all upsetting, merely shrugging his shoulders and accepting the world order. A part of James felt sick as he realized how often he’d done the same thing when the people who were suffering were strangers to him.

“Sir, I’m just naming ideas. This potion with some modification could have real-world applications, some that may appeal to only a narrow group, but I also think some mass applications as well. You only really need one use that has wide appeal too because then it could fund the further research. I feel it in my _bones_ that this potion is something special,” Lily said passionately.

 “You are such a rare breed. So many great potion-makers are only interested in growing the science. So many others are only interested in the end use. It is most uncommon to find one who has both of those interests _and_ considers funding and distribution as well. You really would have made an excellent Slytherin, Miss Evans,” Slughorn praised.

While Lily probably would have been offended if anyone else suggested she should be in Slytherin, she grinned at Slughorn’s compliments. It was almost touching.

“If I decided I wanted to work on this potions research, what would I need to do?” Lily asked.

“Experimental brewing requires permits from the Ministry and oversight by a licensed potions’ master,” Slughorn said, eyes darting to James. He was left with the impression that had he not been in the room, Slughorn might have ignored the legalities and just given Lily what she needed to get started.

“I would never ask you to break the law, Professor,” Lily said earnestly.

Slughorn rubbed his soft chin thoughtfully, “I suppose I could set you up with the necessary ingredients to brew Varamini’s potion yourself. That way you’ll have an understanding of the process and the foundations of the potions for any research you may choose to pursue outside of Hogwarts.”

“Oh, thank you, sir!” Lily said, clapping her hands together and practically bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“I really shouldn’t let you brew unsupervised though,” Slughorn said hesitantly. Again, he glanced in James’ direction.

“Pretend I’m not even here,” James said, causing Slughorn to become visibly flustered.

“It’s only, I heard several accounts from professors about students changing colors yesterday, and it sounded suspiciously like the effects of a heat-sensory potion,” Slughorn said.

Lily brightened and leaned in to whisper cheekily, “You’re only jealous that you didn’t get to see it. I modified it so that the colors would alter depending on the subjects’ mood.”

Any concerns Slughorn may have had about the rules or the possibility of James ratting him out disappeared with his delight at Lily’s brewing abilities. The old wizard sat down and laughed, his face flushing like he’d consumed an entire bottle of firewhiskey. “Oh, you wonderful girl. I fear that trying to stop you would be denying the wizarding world something truly spectacular. Name the date and you may brew whenever you like. Just write me an essay on Varamini’s potion first so that I can be sure you understand the fundamentals and safety precautions before you start.”

Lily’s subsequent enthusiasm was infectious, and James had to hide his smile in a jar of centipede eyes – not something that would typically generate a positive reaction from him. Not wanting to spend his entire night trapped in Slughorn’s office and slogging through disgusting ingredients, James returned to his work, tuning out the conversation Lily and Slughorn continued to have about experimental potions.

It was only when Slughorn said James’ name that he glanced up. Slughorn was looking at him rather expectantly, so James just nodded his head in agreement. This innocuous nod earned him a scowl from Lily.

“Lovely, then I’ll be back within the hour,” Slughorn said immediately, gathering up a few stacks of papers and rushing out the door. It would appear that Slughorn had been asking James’ consent for leaving Lily to supervise while he rushed off to have some very-important-professorial-meeting, which James suspected was more likely a kip down to the Three Broomsticks.

Resigned to her fate, Lily hopped up on one of the student desks, skirt rucking up around her thighs for a moment. It was at times like this where James was struck by how patently unfair it was that Lily looked so perfect all the fucking time. The unfairness didn’t even stem from the fact that she could look so lovely and not be his. Even if she loved him, her very existence would still be an affront to the world. She was that pretty.

“So, having fun being a responsible head boy?” Lily asked, voice tinged with sardonic pleasure at his plight.

“No different than a detention, Lily, and I’ve served plenty of those over the years,” James said shrugging.

Granted, typically he didn’t have to listen to Slughorn drone on about every marginally successful person he’d ever met. That had made his evening a tad less pleasant. Now that Slug was gone and he was just spending time with Lily, however, he figured this would qualify as no worse than a detention with McGonagall, arguably better.

“Too bad,” Lily sighed. “I was going to let this be your punishment, but now it seems I’ll have to come up with something else. Something _worse_.”

Wretched teenage hormones caused him a moment of excitement at her words, but his better instincts insisted that Lily punishing him did not promise to be something he’d enjoy. Such was the life he lived that when people were angry with him, he often had to wrack his brain going back weeks to identify what he could have done wrong. In Lily’s case, he often had to go back months. He thought he had a pretty good idea of what this was going to be about though.

“So you’re cross about that?” he asked carefully. No need to spill the newts’ eyes if she didn’t actually know about Carmichael yet.

“I don’t know if I’d say I’m cross. I would say that I find it pretty funny that someone could blather on about the importance of keeping things said in confidence to yourself and then turn around and give away someone else’s secret the next day,” Lily said archly, eyes narrowed menacingly.

Right. So it was about Carmichael.

James immediately went on the attack. “Now, Lily, how could you have expected me to know that you wanted to keep your Hogsmeade plans a secret. You told me yourself that Carmichael wouldn’t mind. Now, I support your plans but only if you’re not leading any poor, unsuspecting blokes along. You’re not the type to do that, right?”

“Well, of course I was planning on telling him,” Lily said quickly.

“Then, I don’t see where you get off being cross with me,” James said, pointing an accusing finger at her. “Blokes have hearts too, or did you never consider that?”

Disappointingly, Lily managed not to get worked up in defense of herself and just replied coolly, “From what I hear, you didn’t sound particularly concerned for Erik’s heart when you delivered the news.”

“Best to take your potion in one gulp, like they say. No point in dithering about,” James said unfazed by her accurate point.

Lily rolled her eyes, but she seemed to relax. “You’re an arsehole, but I already knew that about you, so…”

“It’s like you really know me,” James said cheekily, hand over his heart. Playfully, Lily shoved him in the shoulder and he pretended to stumble backwards a few steps. “Blimey, Lily, so violent.”

“Get back to work, or have you forgotten that I’m stuck supervising you?” Lily ordered.

“Sorry, it’s just hard to take you seriously. You’re not an impressive authority figure like our dear Sluggy,” James said, but he did move back to the potions’ cupboard and resumed his inventory.

“Be nice about Slughorn,” Lily said.

From his position in the cupboard, he could just make out the far side of her face and body. The rest was concealed by the door. Trying to carry on a conversation and count the number of Gryffon talons in a jar was probably not the smartest idea, but no one expected him to finish today. The talons would still be here next week. Besides, this was a favor. Slughorn couldn’t demand perfection.

Seventy-six talons. Seventy-seven talons.

“Lily, I just had to listen to Slughorn prattle on about the Norwegian ambassador for half an hour. I have nothing kind to say,” James called out.

“He’s just proud of his former students,” Lily defended. The only thing he could see of her was her left leg swinging back and forth. Petite leg covered by dark tights and her dainty foot in those innocent, little loafers.

“That’s not pride. Knowing people who matter just makes him feel self-important and lets him forget what a nobody he is,” James said.

Lily gasped, the inhale sharp and furious. “That is an awful thing to say. Educators are so important. They shape young lives, James!”

“The point still stands,” he said, leaning back to catch a glimpse of her irritated expression through the door.

Seventy-eight talons. Seventy-nine talons.

“ _Maybe_ he likes people with good connections, but it doesn’t mean he’s not an excellent professor,” Lily insisted.

“Why do you like him so much in the first place?”

Slughorn wasn’t an unpopular professor. He wasn’t overly strict, had a pretty cordial relationship with his students, and regularly threw parties. There wasn’t anything spectacular about him though. Nearly everyone could see through his power-hungry façade and his cloying compliments could get old. The other half of the student population who were completely dismissed by him weren’t his biggest fans either.

“I don’t just like him. He’s my favorite professor,” Lily said.

“You have shite taste,” James teased.

Seventy-nine talons…or was it eighty? Shit, he was losing count.

“I like Slughorn because…well, you saw him a few minutes ago. I’m not an idiot, I know that most of the professors are annoyed that I ask so many questions. They’re busy and don’t have time to explain things to me. I understand, but Slughorn always makes time. Always. He’s been such a huge source of support from the very start,” Lily said earnestly.

“The professors love you,” James said uncomfortably. He could picture a dozen occasions where the students and professor had been on the same side in their irritation with Lily’s endless questions about how things worked.

“They like me a lot more now that I ask fewer questions in class,” Lily said simply. “Slughorn’s never been like that. There’s no question that he thinks is too asinine. I could come here every day after classes end and spend three hours straight asking questions, and he would answer every single one with a smile. He’s the only professor I’ve ever had who’s pushed me to do more, to think more outside the box, to experiment.”

To be fair to the other Hogwarts professors, James had never experienced that kind of support from them either. Few students were that engaged with the subject that they’d want to go beyond the assigned learning and really tackle the theory. It was enough that magic was the explanation. He didn’t need to know what unseen forces gave magic its power.

“Not to change the subject,” James called out, “But what was with the portrait of us outside the Great Hall? Were you kidding or are you that anti-drugs?”

Lily scoffed, “No, I was not kidding! Drugs rot your brain and make you make terrible decisions and they’re just all around dangerous!”

It occurred to James that smoking Lily up would probably be the greatest achievement of his life if he could ever manage it. Unlike his mates, he hadn’t minded Lily’s prank with the painting. Her anti-drug stance was so innocent that it endeared him more than anything. His teenage dreams about corrupting that very innocence didn’t hurt either.

“I hope Slughorn gets back soon. I don’t really have time to babysit you all night,” Lily whined.

James leaned back so that she’d be able to see him wiggle his eyebrows as he asked, “ _Another_ hot date?”

 “Hardly. I just made plans to study with Sev tonight,” Lily said. She immediately looked ill, as if she wanted to take the words back, swallow them down so that James had never heard them.

“You made plans with who? Are you talking to that greasy bat again?” James demanded.

He couldn’t explain why the idea made him so angry, but it did. Lovely, good-hearted Lily should not be spending time with Severus Snape. He’d always felt that way, but after everything Snape had pulled over the years, the feeling had only intensified. James had thought Lily had finally smartened up.

“Friends fight sometimes, James. He’s apologized and I’ve forgiven him.”

Her words made him feel even worse. All of her talk about apologies and forgiveness could not have come from her making up with the hook-nosed git. It would mean that James had inadvertently made his own decisions regarding forgiveness based off of Lily’s advice regarding Snape. In no way did he support her starting up again with Snape, and yet her advice had made sense for his own life.

“Merlin, Lily!”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Lily said petulantly.

“I’m not going to say anything. Clearly you already know it’s an awful idea or you wouldn’t look so guilty,” James said, watching as Lily quickly tried to change her stricken expression to something more indifferent.

“It’s just…”

“I don’t know why you’d do this to yourself!” James said in exasperation, ignoring his prior plan to not say anything. “He’s going to disappoint you again. And even if he didn’t, how can you just forgive him after he called you a…you know?”

“Because he’s sorry,” Lily said fiercely.

“Is he just sorry for saying it to you or to all the other muggleborns he’s said it to over the years? Because I think that might matter a bit. Might want to have him clarify,” James all but shouted back.

Lily was off the desk in an instant, and he thought it might be a good thing there was so much physical space between them or she might have tried to push him. She didn’t make any move to come closer, but he could see that she was practically quivering with rage or hurt. It was hard to tell.

If they had been allowed to continue, it would have undoubtedly become ugly. Lily tended to lash out when she felt cornered and James had never been good at controlling his temper. It was why they had fought so fiercely over the years.

Before Lily could speak, however, she caught sight of something out of the corner of her eye, head twisting down and to the side to take a closer look. In the span of a second, Lily’s face morphed from confusion to recognition to revulsion to fear. It was when the fear hit that she lost any semblance of composure.

With a blood-curdling scream, Lily scrambled away from whatever she’d seen, knocking into James in the process. Her hands clung to his shirt-front desperately, and if she was quivering before she was bloody vibrating now.

“What is it?” he demanded urgently, eyes whipping around for whatever threat she’d perceived.

“A...a…rat!”

“What?” James asked, completely confused as to why a harmless rat would send Lily practically over the edge.

He caught a glimpse of movement underneath one of the desks and a long tail disappearing as it scuttled out of sight. His suspicions were immediately aroused. Hogwarts may have been old and had enough nooks and crannies to house a menagerie, but it was unusual to see a rat scuttling about. Mrs. Norris was an avid hunter when she wasn’t terrorizing the students, and he’d never before spotted one inside the castle.

“Umph!”

At the blur of movement, Lily became even more ridiculous in her terror. He was completely caught off guard when she literally leaped into his arms, legs clamping around his hips and arms hung so tight around his neck they were practically strangling him. Using nothing but her body strength, she clung to him, keeping herself safely off the ground.

The surprise nearly knocked him over, but he managed to stay standing, and after that it was hardly difficult to carry her insubstantial weight. He placed his hands under her thighs to support her a bit, and her arms loosened a small but significant bit from around his neck, letting him breathe more normally. With her so tightly pressed against him, his face was buried in her collarbone, and he couldn’t see a thing.

For the second time that week, James had Lily Evans wrapped around him, and even though the circumstances this time were undoubtedly absurd, he found his body reacting anyway. He rolled his eyes, the action hidden from her view, and wished that he could fast forward to when he was forty and his cock had calmed down a bit. It was exhausting being a teenager and, worse, embarrassing. Now he would have to be careful how he set her down so that she didn’t accidentally brush up against his semi and freak out on him.

“Lily, I know you’re desperate for me, but you don’t have to invent reasons to jump me,” James said good-naturedly.

The noise she made in response was somewhat muffled, but when he strained his ears to listen he realized she was crying.

“Fuck! Why are you…? Here, just relax. Everything’s okay,” James said hurriedly.

He felt like a right prat for having enjoyed the situation for even a second and rushed forward to one of the desks. Her grip was like iron as she fought against him, but with a little maneuvering, he managed to unhook her arms and set her on the desk. Instantly, she curled her legs up underneath her to put as much space between her and the rat-infested ground.

“See, you’re fine. No rat can touch you up here,” James said soothingly.

Eyes screwed tight, Lily continued to cry quietly with only little hiccups escaping. James rubbed at her shoulders gently, trying to help her relax. Like the last time he had seen Lily cry, he was again struck by the fact that it didn’t even make her look ugly. Her face turned red, sure, but it mostly just made her look vulnerable, not a blotchy mess like other girls.

“You must think I’m mad,” Lily whimpered, wiping away some errant tears as she struggled to return to normal.

“Yeah, well I always think you’re mad. Nothing new there,” James said reassuringly.

Now that he was no longer dreading an encounter with a sobbing Lily, he was left terribly amused by the situation. It was becoming increasingly difficult not to start laughing in her still teary face. What kind of person was so overcome by a tiny animal that they couldn’t even stand on their own two feet in the face of it? They were Gryffindors. For years, Lily had always seemed tough as a pewter cauldron and now he’d found her weakness. The thought of the amount of fun he would have gotten out of this information in fourth year made him close his eyes in bliss.

“Please don’t tell anyone, especially not your git friends,” Lily pleaded. The request was understandable since Sirius would be sure to fill her life with endless torment if he ever found out.

“Despite my past failures as a secret keeper, I promise to keep this one between us,” James vowed. “I have to ask what that was though. I mean, I’m scared of snakes but if one slithered by right now, I’d just walk away. A little less on the theatrics.”

“You’re scared of snakes?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“Rats are just…so…so repulsive! They’ve got those awful, awful teeth and those unnecessarily long tails. Really, James, what do they even need those tails for? And worse, those beady, red eyes,” Lily gave a full-body shudder.

“Will you slap me if I say you’re kind of adorable?” James asked.

Lily sniffed loudly. “Not today since you’re kind of my hero right now. Besides, I’m going to need you to help get me out of here.”

They really needed to have a conversation about how she shouldn’t keep casting him as the hero in her mind. Whenever she did, he had to tamp down on some inane part of himself that wanted to rise to meet her expectations. He knew going down that road would only end in him disappointing the both of them. Better for her to wait for a real hero to come calling.

“Lily, you are perfectly capable of walking out of this room on your own two feet,” James said sternly.

Lily clasped her hands together and pouted up at him. Shamefully, the display was very effective. His resolve didn’t break though. It only weakened slightly. Years of dealing with Padfoot had made him all but immune to puppy dog eyes. She _was_ rather good at it though.

He sighed, “Listen, I will carry you if you ask, but do you really want that? You’re a Gryffindor. Do you honestly want to go back to your dorm knowing you needed by help?”

Sensing that she was wavering, he reached out and brushed a tear off of her cheek. Her breath hitched audibly, and he became aware of how terribly intimate such a gesture was. Still, he didn’t pull away. There was something too intriguing about the way her eyes fluttered for a moment, ruddy lashes pressing against her pink cheeks.

He knew it wasn’t worth reading into. A dozen plus rejections were more than enough. It certainly _looked_ like Lily was reacting to him as a man though. It had been looking like that a lot lately.

“Okay, I’ll do it,” Lily agreed shakily.

“The rat is more scared of you than you are of it,” James said encouragingly. “As it should be. You’re right intimidating. Everyone gets out of Lily Evans way when she’s on the war path. One teeny-tiny rat is no different. It won’t come anywhere near you.”

With a sharp nod, Lily began to slowly lower her feet to the ground. She hesitated once or twice, but ultimately stood on her own two feet.

He watched her progress with inexplicable pride. He couldn’t say why it was so important to him that she faced her fears and did this on her own. Perhaps he didn’t like seeing someone normally so formidable reduced to tears. Or maybe he didn’t like imagining what she would have done if he wasn’t there to save her. Lily should never have to beg for anyone’s help.

As Lily edged towards the door, she did an impressively good job of keeping her pace stately instead of just running for it. She didn’t look normal as her head swiveled back and forth for any rat sightings, but she managed pretty well.

Alas, their little experiment in overcoming one’s fears did not end well.

Shooting out from beneath a desk, the rat made straight for Lily. All of James’ worst suspicions were confirmed at this display of atypical rat behavior. He’d know that familiar coloring anywhere.

What happened next did not take place in slow motion. If it had, James would have had the time to stop it.

Seeing her worst fear darting towards her, Lily acted on instinct. Her foot lashed out and made contact with the little creature just as James bellowed, “No!” The force of the kick sent the rat flying into the wall, where it crumpled limply to the floor and transformed back into the body of Peter Pettigrew. The sick crunch that sounded when he made contact lingered heavily between them.

Lily, who had been shrieking up until then, fell silent at the familiar boy. She whirled around to gaze imploringly at James for the answers, but he couldn’t spare her a glance. He was too focused on watching his friend. He had yet to move.

“Peter, come on mate. Get up!” James said, trying to keep the worry out of his voice.

To his relief, Peter groaned loudly. James bent down beside him. Peter’s eyes remained clenched shut in pain, and he wasn’t making any effort to stand.

“I can’t feel my legs,” Peter said weakly. He opened his eyes and James could see they were wide with fear and confusion.

“Help me get him to the Hospital Wing,” James ordered, interrupting the litany of “oh my Gods” that was coming from Lily.

For a second, it appeared that Lily didn’t understand his direction, staring and blinking numbly, but then she was moving. They gripped Peter underneath each armpit and hoisted him up. Peter moaned piteously as his feet dragged against the ground, and James couldn’t deny the bolt of fear that raced through him at the animalistic sound.

“Fuck,” he swore before adjusting to sling Peter over one shoulder. Peter was far too heavy to carry comfortably and quickly through the castle. This fact was all the more evident because he had just had Lily who weighed as much as a feather in his arms. Lily was too short to help carry him though unless they were willing to drag Peter’s wounded legs along the ground. He wanted to curse whoever designed the castle and put the Hospital Wing three floors up from the dungeons.

Uselessly, Lily hurried alongside them, hands fluttering with anxiety. “It was just a rat!”

“You’re going to be alright, Pete. Pomfrey’s going to fix you right up,” James said, unsure who he was most trying to reassure – himself or Peter. When he felt tears seeping through the back of his shirt and realized Peter was crying, he decided it was definitely Peter.

The walk up the first staircase was torture. With each step, his knees threatened to buckle beneath him. All of the jostling was hell on Peter who started to sob in pain. James had never heard anything like it, and it caused him to grit his teeth and climb even faster.

Blessedly, Lily seemed to shake off her shock and get it together around this point. She started to whisper comforting words to Peter. Her soothing was far more effective than James’ had been, and Peter’s sobbing grew less intense with each word she spoke.

“Look how brave you’re being. I think I’d be screaming if I were you,” Lily cooed. “So brave and strong. A true Gryffindor. Isn’t he James?”

James was having a rather hard time regulating his breathing but forced out a muffled, “The truest.”

“You’re going to stay in the Hospital Wing for a bit, which is always fun. All your mates will bring you sweets and listen to how brave you were. And the professors will cancel your assignments for the day. It’ll be a real treat,” Lily continued.

Despite all of Lily’s reassurances that everything was going to be okay, James was becoming very concerned that they weren’t going to make it to the Hospital Wing. His calves were burning and sweat was starting to obscure his vision. He was considering sending Lily to find help when they reached the top of the steps and Hogwarts intervened for them. Miraculously, the entrance to the Hospital Wing was right there. It was as if the castle felt their need and rearranged itself to help them. James could have dropped to his knees and kissed the flagstone floor.

With Lily holding the door open, the only thing she could do to feel helpful, James burst into Pomfrey’s domain. Pomfrey startled. She was busy tending to an ailing first year, but immediately bustled over and directed James to set Peter down on the nearest bed when she saw their situation.

She asked an endless stream of questions. “What hurt? Could Peter move his toes? How much had they moved him?” (The answers were: Everything from the waist up. No, his toes were unresponsive. And they’d probably moved him around a lot more than was medically advisable).

With James help, they managed to flip Peter onto his stomach, so that Pomfrey could glide her wand over Peter’s back. Once that was finished they positioned him on his side and James could see that his tears had left a wet spot on the bed clothes.

He intercepted Pomfrey as she moved into her supply cupboard.

“Quickly, Potter,” she whispered, resigned that James would need his questions answered.

“What’s wrong with him? Why can’t he move his legs?”

“It will take a more thorough examination to determine where the break is, but he appears to have broken his spine. He’s partially paralyzed.”

“So no problem. You’re brill at mending bones,” James said. He’d seen her do it a dozen times for both him and his friends.

Pomfrey didn’t answer, and James worried he was going to be sick.

There was nothing James wouldn’t have readily sacrificed to spare his mates pain. In a horrible twist of fate, however, it seemed that while James breezed through life relatively unscathed, his friends endured endless hardships.

No amount of bravado could change the fact that the abandonment by his family hurt Sirius. He could pretend that they were an island unto themselves, but Sirius came from somewhere. His parents were always present amongst them. They showed themselves in his posh rounded vowels and the way his lip curled when he felt disgusted. There was always a catch in Sirius’s expression after he did something that uncannily resembled one of his parents. A blink of pain as he realized how very like his mother that sentence had sounded and closed in on himself.

In many ways, Remus’s suffering was worse. James would never regret becoming an animagus to help his friend. There was no achievement that had ever made him feel so proud. He would gladly reverse time, however, to somehow unsee having to watch Remus’s transformation. Before that, Remus’s pain had been a dull constant in their lives. A bitterness that showed itself in the crinkle between his eyebrows and spiked around the full moon. _Watching_ the transformation and how it wrecked his body without being able to do anything to alleviate the pain was untenable and yet it _was_.

Sometimes at night James struggled to fall asleep because he couldn’t stop hearing the cracking Remus’s bones made as they broke clean in half. It made a nightmarish orchestra that he feared he’d never escape.

Peter was supposed to be different. Maybe his life wasn’t charmed like James’, but he didn’t have struggles. Gentle, easily-flustered Peter was supposed to be the one he didn’t need to worry about.

As Pomfrey brusquely administered to him, James found himself staring at Peter’s hands. They were like white blurs. Never for a second did they rest as Peter fidgeted helplessly. James wondered if he was moving them so restlessly to reassure himself that he still could. That while his legs remained limp and cut-off, as if they no longer belonged to his body, he still had control of his hands.

Watching was making James feel anxious and he probably would have done something to stop him only Lily got there first. She knelt beside the bed and held one of Peter’s pudgy hands in both of her own. Even against their already pale skin, James could see white imprints appearing between their knuckles. Evidence of the force of their grip.

Peter began to hyperventilate, his breaths coming fast and slight. If Lily became anything other than a professional counselor for a living, James thought she’d be wasting her natural talents. So far that evening, she had shown an instinctive understanding of how best to comfort a person, and she continued that streak now, beginning to sing some sort of lullaby.

_Over in Kelarney,_  
Many years ago,  
I heard my mother singing songs, in tones so sweet and low/  
Just a simple little ditty,  
In a good old-fashioned way.  
But I’d give the world if I could hear that song again someday/  
Tor-a-lor-a-lora  
Tor-a-lor-a-la  
Tor-a-lor-a-lora/  
That’s an Irish lullaby.

Her melodic if simple voice combined with the dim lighting of the room and the urgency of the situation to give her song an almost hypnotic effect. Under its power, Peter managed to calm his breathing. The lack of air had actually done him so good in that at least some color was starting to return to his cheeks.

When Peter turned his watery eyes towards him, James had never felt more inadequate. There was such faith there. Faith that James could somehow make everything better. Like he always did, Peter looked to James for guidance.

He didn’t have the right words though. All he could think about was that he didn’t even know what name to call Peter to best comfort him.

_Wormtail_.

Compared to the rest of their monickers, it was ugly and demeaning. Sirius had been the one to come up with it, and his intentions hadn’t been kind. Sirius could be terrible to Peter. Of the lot of them, he was the easiest target, and his fawning had always grated on Sirius’s nerves. More than anything, the problem was that the qualities Peter most admired in Sirius were the very parts of himself that Sirius most despised. It could make him cruel.

So Wormtail was a nasty joke and they all knew it, including Peter. He’d been visibly hurt when it stuck, but too delighted to have a nickname, to have further proof he was part of the gang, to complain.

It shook James to the core now to think what kind of friend it made him that he’d sat back and watched as Sirius teased him. Worse, that he had openly found the whole thing funny. They may all have been friends, but all their friendships were not created equal, and he was guilty of prioritizing Sirius over and over again.

“Pomfrey’s got you, Pete. She’s got you,” James said. The awful cracking of Remus’s bones resounded in his ears.

“Mr. Potter, take Miss Evans and go. It’s nearly past curfew,” Pomfrey ordered.

James opened his mouth to argue that he wouldn’t leave his friend’s side, but stopped when he saw Pomfrey’s face. She wasn’t annoyed like she usually was when one of their antics landed them here. Busying herself in finding the right potion in her stores, her concern was laid bare. A worried Pomfrey was something to fear.

Steering her by the shoulders, James escorted Lily out of the hall. He cast one last look at Peter – pale and pained – before the door closed behind him. They were left in the same corridor as before, but the entrance of the Hospital Wing was gone, disappeared back to the fourth floor where it belonged.

“I need to go back,” James said. “I’ll let you know how he’s doing tomorrow.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m coming with you,” Lily said.

“Pomfrey just chucked you out,” James said.

“You too,” Lily retaliated.

Frustrated that he was losing time arguing with Lily, James said through gritted teeth, “She’ll let me back in eventually. Just go to bed.”

“Not on your life,” Lily growled and began marching up the stairs in the direction of the Hospital Wing.

She made him want to tear his hair out. Right then the only thing he should have been focused on was making sure Peter would be alright. He didn’t have the energy to coddle Lily too.

“If you want to be helpful, go tell Remus and Sirius what’s happened,” James ordered.

“Oh, so they can go be with him, while I can’t? No thank you.”

“I don’t have time to take care of you right now.”

Her palm collided with his shoulder in a feeble push before she said in a surprisingly steely voice, “I broke Peter’s _spine_. You’re not going to convince me to go to bed like nothing happened. Maybe there’s nothing I can do, but if there is, I’m going to do it. And you’re right, I’m probably heading for a breakdown, but I’m going to save it for when I’m alone. And when I do, I promise I’ll get somebody _other than you_ to take care of me!”

He couldn’t deal with this. Every minute spent arguing with Lily was another minute Peter spent alone. Pomfrey didn’t count.

“Go tell Remus and Sirius.”

Fiercely, Lily began, “Unless you plan on hexing me –”

“Get them then meet me at the Hospital Wing.”

Lily wilted immediately. Giving a sharp nod to indicate she understood, she changed directions to head to Gryffindor Tower. The last thing he saw was her dark red curls whipping around the corner.

He’d once spent a lot of time trying to identify objects whose coloring matched her hair. Poetically, he had compared her hair to the autumn leaves, to the messy insides of a pomegranate. Feeling silly, he’d mused over its similarity to ketchup. He rather liked ketchup.

Never before had he realized how much it looked like blood.

Score:

Lily: 7 – James: 7

Number of times James failed to consider someone’s feelings: 2  
Number of times James misread Lily: 1  
Number of times a heart skipped a beat: 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Whew! And with that we finish Chapter 19. Looking back on this story, I’d say there are two natural turning points: Chapter 9 and now this chapter. I hope everyone enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing this one and enjoys their weekend! Thanks!


	20. Oct 13: Of Fault, Given & Earned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Warnings for Nott-related blood supremacist bull shit.

**Oct. 13, 1977**

Disoriented didn’t begin to cover how Lily felt waking up in the corridor outside the Hospital Wing. Sounds of distant voices clamoring together as students made their way to breakfast had forced her into consciousness. She appeared to have fallen asleep, propped uncomfortably against the wall, waiting for Pomfrey to let her back in to see Peter.

One of James’ much marveled upon shoulders had served as her pillow for the night. His head lay heavily atop the crown of hers, and with each exhale he blew strands of her bangs directly out from her face.

There was no way to get up without waking him, so she contented herself to sitting still for a while. It was impossible to tell how early it was based on the view outside the window as dark clouds had obscured the sun, but her internal clock told her that it was still early. Considering he was injured, she figured Peter would still be sleeping too. Bursting in now would only get her banned for disturbing the patients.

Maybe she was also a little scared that once she stood up, she’d have to face the harsh truth of what had happened. She didn’t know what she would do if she went in and Peter was any less than okay. Logically, she knew that no one could blame her for this accident. She hadn’t possessed any reason to suspect that hideous, little rat terrorizing her might be Peter.

The spine was such a strange part of the human body, so essential and so neglected. It was true what they said, out of sight out of mind. Dozens of fragile vertebrae melding together to provide the literal backbone of the human body, and all it took was shattering one to topple the rest like dominoes.

A part of her wanted to trust in magic. Surely no injury was life-ruining when you could vanish all your troubles away with a wave of your wand. She knew a death eater hearing her thoughts now would use them as evidence that muggleborns never stop being magical tourists unable to grasp the inner workings of their world even after years of exposure. Just like she knew that for all its wonders magic did not protect you from all harm. Wizards had the same mortality rate as muggles: one hundred percent.

Shifting through her memories of the night before, Lily realized that Remus and Sirius should have been there. They had all but knocked her over in their urgency to get to the Hospital Wing last night after she told them what had happened. She doubted they would have gone to breakfast this morning same as usual.

Come to think of it, neither of them had seemed particularly shocked by her retelling of a Peter-in-rat-form lurking in the Potions’ classroom. If someone had related to her that Marlene had been skulking through the castle in any form but her normal human one, she would have had a few things to say about it. The only thing she could think of was that one of the Marauders, probably Remus, was advanced enough in Transfiguration that he could turn other people into animals and had cursed Peter for a laugh. Maybe they had planned for him to scare James and her being there had been an accident.

As if her thoughts had summoned him, the door opened and Sirius walked out. He looked more disheveled than she had ever seen him. Usually, Sirius opted for a kind of artfully disarrayed look, where his long hair was styled to look as if he had just rolled out of bed and his uniform was just mussed enough to make him look like he didn’t care about anything. Seeing him now and how he actually looked when he was unkempt, Lily realized that a lot of time must go into preparing that look every day.

When Sirius spotted Lily awake and curled up with James, his eyes narrowed.

“Is Peter awake?” Lily croaked out, her voice a little garbled from sleep. James shifted against her but did not wake.

Sirius nodded shortly and continued to stare at them.

“How is he?” Lily tried again.

“Go see for yourself,” Sirius ordered tersely.

“I don’t want to wake him,” Lily whispered, referring to the slumped over Head Boy.

For a fraction of a second, Sirius seemed to soften as he looked at James’ sleeping figure, but his icy exterior was back in place when he returned his gaze to Lily a moment later. Fair or not, Lily realized that she probably wasn’t the Marauders’ favorite person at the moment.

Everything was her fault, but she had done nothing _wrong_. It was a confusing concept to wrap her brain around. She was used to sorting actions into two categories: good and bad. When you opted for the second there were consequences and you were entirely responsible for dealing with them. That she had caused something so awful without actually doing anything wrong didn’t make sense to her.

Sirius didn’t seem to understand the intricacies of what had happened. He was just blaming her for everything without a second thought. It made her feel itchy.

“Could you stop glaring at me?” Lily hissed quietly.

“I’m sorry. Am I making you feel uncomfortable?” Sirius asked sarcastically. It was left unsaid that Peter was currently feeling most uncomfortable of all and it was her fault.

“I didn’t know it was Peter,” Lily said quietly.

“So you were just playing a round of kick-the-helpless-animal instead,” Sirius snorted.

Lily’s mind drifted back to Marlene’s article where she’d written that Sirius went starry-eyed when he interacted with animals. As funny as she’d found the article and Sirius’s subsequent irritation, Lily had to admit that Marlene had created a compelling picture of their brooding housemate. She’d viewed him in a new light ever since.

Sirius didn’t much care for people outside of a very select group, one of whom was drooling on her head that moment, but he loved animals. Growing up with that terrible family of his, Lily could see how he could grow to admire the lack of artifice in animals, how innocent they were even while preying on one another. Now when she saw him gazing out the window in class, she didn’t assume it was arrogance that made him ignore their lessons. She thought that maybe he was just desperate to escape for a while. That castle walls may have been novel to her compared to the bland stucco walls of her childhood house but maybe they reminded him too much of home. He just wanted to be outside. To be free.

It was because of this newfound view on Sirius that Lily didn’t snap at him for being such an arse. Instead, she confessed, “I’m scared of rats. It came running at me, and I acted on instinct. How was I supposed to predict that it was really Peter? Who would expect that kind of thing?”

The words sounded hollow in her ears. She couldn’t convey the sheer terror she felt when she had seen it scrambling towards her, the gripping fear that had reduced her to nothing but a mindless shell of the girl she normally was. Her fight or flight reflex had kicked in and the flight option had already been taken from her by James.

Rats always took her back to being nine-years-old and having her first and only sleepover at the Snapes’ house. Her parents had been hesitant to let her go. They were only children, but Sev was still a boy, and the Snapes were hardly the right sort of people. Lily’s begging had won out in the end as her parents liked to treat her like a little princess, and so she’d been dropped off at the Snapes’ with the instructions to ring her parents on the phone if anything felt funny.

It hadn’t been fun exactly. Sev’s mum was almost eerily vacant, always talking to a point right above your shoulder as if you weren’t even there, and Sev had been too distracted trying to apologize for everything in his house – the creaky stairs, the unfashionable pillow-cases – to be much fun.

Despite this, it wasn’t at first an unmitigated disaster.

Nestled into Sev’s bed with her friend a comforting distance away as he slept on the floor, Lily had thought they could make a routine of it. She was nine-years-old and had always wanted to have sleepovers. The whole thing made her feel very mature.

In the middle of the night, she had been awoken by a pressure on her legs, something crawling over her that she could feel through the blankets. When she opened her eyes, there was a rat, the size of a coffee mug, staring at her. She swore there had been something feral in its beady eyes.

The whole neighborhood must have been shocked awake by her screaming. It had been Sev’s father that had come to her rescue. With a callousness that shocked her more than anything else that night, he had batted the rat to the side and crushed it under his boot. Closing her eyes, she could still picture the trails of viscera that had been left behind when his dad stomped back out, dark guts staining the wooden floor. He’d only left after smacking Sev upside the head for not taking care of it first, telling him to be a man. Mr. Snape had never been anything but kind to her. It was almost too kind, too ingratiating.

She couldn’t tell Sirius any of this.

“Of course it’s not your fault. Nothing ever is, and yet Pete’s in the Hospital Wing. Funny how that happens,” Sirius sneered nastily.

Lily wondered if maybe Sirius had a black-and-white set of morals as well. It didn’t sound like he accommodated for personal circumstances.

“Padfoot, leave off her. It wasn’t her fault,” James said gruffly.

James lifted his head, which allowed Lily to stretch her sore neck for the first time that morning. It had a terrible crick from laying at an angle on James’ shoulder the whole night. James leapt into wakefulness with a speed that surprised her. It always took her a few minutes to adjust to morning, lying in bed with her eyes closed wishing the world would go away. For James, it appeared one moment he was in a deep sleep and the next he was ready to face the world, standing up and joining the conversation as if he’d been awake for hours rather than seconds.

Sirius looked fairly mutinous at James’ defense of her, but he gave her one last glare before turning his attention to James. “Pete’s been awake for about half an hour. I’ve been sitting with him while Moony gets something decent from the kitchens for him.”

There was a pause that filled Lily with dread. They all knew what Sirius really needed to report was Peter’s condition. The buildup was dreadful.

“Pomfrey mended up his spine and expects him to make a full recovery.”

At Sirius’s words, Lily felt the breath whoosh out of her. She had never felt so relieved in her entire life. Her feeling of thankfulness trumped ever her joy from when she’d escaped expulsion for the thestral incident.

“It’ll be a long road though. He’ll need to stay in the Hospital Wing for at least another few weeks, and he’ll have to go through physical therapy to get all his function back. Right now he can hardly move his lower body,” Sirius said more gravely.

“Tits,” James breathed.

“Will it hurt?” Lily questioned.

She was mildly impressed when Sirius didn’t openly laugh in her face. “Yes, it’s going to hurt like a bitch, Evans. Pomfrey said the main concern is just going to be keeping his spirits up. He’s bound to get bored cooped up in the Hospital Wing all day.”

“We can deal with that though. He’ll get out of classes and homework. We just need to make him see it as a vacation,” James said optimistically.

The contrast between the James of last night – agitated and wild-eyed with fear – and the collected James of today did more for soothing Lily’s nerves than any calming draught ever could. James clearly adored his friends. If he wasn’t worried for Peter, then that was because there was nothing to worry about.

“Let’s go and see him, then,” Lily said.

“I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea,” Sirius said, partially blocking the door with his shoulder.

Now that she knew Peter would be fine, she had no patience for Sirius’s judgment. “Shove off, Black.”

He moved out of the way without a word, and Lily marched into the Hospital Wing. The curtains were drawn around Peter’s bed so she couldn’t see him. She thought that was rather thoughtful of Madame Pomfrey as Peter would need his privacy if he was staying here for a few weeks. It would make it feel homier.

Madame Pomfrey intercepted Lily before she could get much closer to Peter’s bed. “Miss Evans, don’t you have morning classes?”

Lily blinked confused. “Yes, but they’re not for a while yet.”

“Mr. Pettigrew is not dying. You won’t be getting out of classes to cry by his bedside. Go to breakfast,” she ordered.

“You can’t expect me to just leave without seeing how he’s doing?” Lily demanded indignantly. She immediately felt ashamed. She tried to always be respectful of authority figures, and no matter how difficult Pomfrey was being now, she was still the woman who had helped Peter last night. “I’m sorry, Madame, but I really need to see that he’s okay for myself.”

“I assure you he is.”

“Madame,  I –”

“Miss Evans, Mr. Pettigrew has stated that he doesn’t want to see you at the moment. I’ll ask that you respect his wishes and leave,” Pomfrey said quietly.

The revelation that Peter wanted nothing to do with her left her mortified. Here she’d been dismissing Sirius as just being an unreasonable drama queen, when really everyone had been in agreement. She had only to look at the three figures in the room, none of whom could meet her eyes, to see it.

“Right. I’ll just go,” Lily choked out.

She all but ran from the room, afraid that if she stayed a moment longer she would burst into tears in front of them. Last night she’d thought she provided some comfort to Peter through his pain. He had seemed to still whenever she petted at him. The notion that she had helped Peter through everything had been the only thing keeping her together. In reality, Peter blamed her just like everyone else.

Before the door had even closed behind her, she had managed to work herself up into something of a fit. This wouldn’t be a silent cry with tears leaking from her eyes as she tried to stop them. No, she was heading for a full on sob. Knowing what was coming, she started towards the nearest loo where she had every intention of locking herself in for the next several hours.

She didn’t make it far before a hand caught her about the wrist, spinning her around. _James_. The sight of him, looking so sympathetic when she knew she deserved so much less, was too much for her. Even though the corridor in no way constituted a loo and it was hardly as private as one, she burst into tears.

There was no hesitation on his part. He pulled her into a hug immediately, wrapping her up tight. Being held by James came with a persistent sense of security. He was so much larger than her that he practically blocked out everything else. Her world was reduced to James and James alone.

She wanted nothing more than to revel in the feeling of safety his arms afforded, but even that was selfish. All of James’ comforting should have been going to Peter just then. She was weak and awful and stealing something Peter probably desperately needed. Despite knowing this, she just burrowed deeper into his embrace.

“It’s all my fault,” she wept into his robes.

“No, it’s not,” James whispered soothingly. “You did nothing wrong.”

Wrong? No, she hadn’t, but that hardly mattered. Would it in any way help Peter if she explained to him that she’d done nothing wrong? He’d probably spit on her. James should have been spitting on her. Instead, he rubbed gentle circles along her back.

“Peter’s in pain, and it’s because I hurt…I hurt him. Oh God, I broke his spine because I’m a big coward and…” she ramped herself up into hysteria as she spoke and had to break off as the hyperventilating set in.

“None of this is your fault. You kicked a rat that was scurrying straight at you. If anything, I’m to blame because I guessed it was Peter and didn’t warn you,” James said, creepings of guilt in his own voice.

She pulled back slightly to peer up at him accusingly. Part of her thought he might be lying to try to deflect blame onto himself so that she didn’t feel so awful. Another part of her was praying this could all somehow be put on someone else, anyone else. That he was telling the truth.

James sighed and ran a weary hand across his face. She whined a little in the back of her throat because that meant he was no longer wrapping her up with both arms. She had just enough self-awareness to turn that whine into a strangled sob so that he wouldn’t realize his movement had upset her.

“As a joke, Remus sometimes turns Peter into a rat to, you know, spy on people. He must have wanted to see how I was holding up with Slughorn,” James said in a tight voice.

Lily considered this. It was pretty much what she had expected happened. There was no other explanation for how Peter had ended up a rat other than that one of his more skilled mates had thought it would make a good joke to transfigure him and set him loose on the castle. That or some very talented, creative bullies, but there were few students at Hogwarts who would have had that kind of magical capacity.

As much as she wanted to turn around and say James was right and everything was his fault, she just felt empty at the knowledge. Knowing what happened didn’t do anything to make her feel better. She felt like she deserved to be punished. How was it that she always got away with everything? Sirius was right. No one ever held her accountable for anything. Here she was, having just broken a housemate’s spine, and his best mate was comforting her.

Needless to say, she kept crying. James nuzzled against her hair and continued to promise her it wasn’t her fault. Like a broken record, her mind asked over and over, then whose fault is it?

“Fuck classes,” James murmured against her hair. “If you don’t feel up to going, don’t even bother. Take a nap. Go for a walk outside.”

“It’s miserable out,” Lily said brokenly.

The storm that had started yesterday continued to rage outside the castle. It was part of what had made carrying Peter through the castle so scary. The booming thunder combined with the shadows cast from candlelight had combined to create the kind of ambience you would expect in a Gothic novel. The kind where the young girl is seconds away from being eaten alive. She’d spent the night feeling like she was caught in something’s jaws, that she could feel the wolf, the perennial monster, breathing down her neck.

“Fresh air is fresh air. In fact, just yesterday I went out and tried to catch the fog,” James said. “I _mist_.”

He tilted her head back to see her reaction, which was one of utter disbelief. Shamelessly, he chuckled down at her.

“Pete’s not dead, you know. It’s okay to laugh,” he said, bopping her on the nose.

“You’re barking,” Lily said, wiping at her tears.

“Ah, but you stopped crying. Really, I’m just a genius,” James said affably. “Besides, I owed you a joke from yesterday. Can’t break my word.”

He had a point. There did seem to be some form of incomprehensible brilliance stashed behind all his lunacy. If she’d been in a better state, she would have doubled over at that joke too. It was one of his better ones.

“Just…please let Peter know how sorry I am,” Lily sighed.

James gave her one last squeeze before pulling back completely. She felt oddly bereft without the press of his body.

“I’ll tell him, but Peter already knows. Look at it this way, if Sirius accidentally knocked you down the stairs, would you want him by your bedside? Or would you just want your girls?” James said.

Hmm…for once James may have had logic on his side. She wouldn’t want anyone begging for forgiveness at her bedside while she was focused on healing. It was perfectly fair for Peter to want to be with his mates right now. If she were in there, he would really just end up consoling her. She would pet at him and ask how he was of course, but it would be a sham. She’d just be in there looking for affirmation that he didn’t blame her.

“You’re right. I’m sorry for crying all over you,” she paused. “Again.”

“You sure are making a habit of it,” James laughed like it hardly mattered that she’d cried all over him multiple times in the past two weeks. Maybe she should break his ankles or something to make him cry so that she could return the favor. She could start systematically taking the Marauders down, one by one. Get them beds beside one another in the Hospital Wing so they didn’t feel lonely.

“Just keep it to yourself about Peter turning into a rat,” James said.

Lily realized that she should probably be crosser about this point. “You’ll tell Remus he needs to stop transfiguring Peter, right? It’s really terribly dangerous. McGonagall says it’s only one step below a personal animagus transformation and none of us are powerful enough to handle that. I know Remus excels in class, but he could really hurt Peter one of these days.”

It was a testament to how kind James could be that he didn’t say out loud that Lily had already done just that.

“I’ll tell him,” James said, shifting uncomfortably. Trying to introduce caution to a Marauder was like trying to introduce a mountain peak to a catfish. They naturally did not go together. “I’ll also let you know if Peter changes his mind and says it’s okay for you to come visit him. Yeah? You just need to give him a little time.”

“Thanks, I know you’re right,” Lily said, trying to sound brave.

He chucked her under the chin in a gesture that would have been unforgivably condescending if it weren’t for the circumstances and jogged away to return to Peter. She thought about how easily he had accepted the situation, that automatic confidence that everything would turn out fine. Never had she been so jealous of him.

 

Getting through the day’s classes proved difficult. She couldn’t bring herself to skip knowing that it was a NEWET year and every lesson mattered. This brought along fresh feelings of guilt as Peter could afford to miss out on lessons even less than she could, and now he would be out for weeks.

None of the Marauders attended any of their shared classes. She had expected this, but their empty seats were still a dour reminder. Even if they were annoying most days, class still felt stale without them. They brought some much needed color to Hogwarts’ grey walls.

With everyone gossiping about where they might have gone off to, Lily had felt compelled to explain the situation to her friends. Her promise to conceal Peter’s animal transformation made this difficult. Ultimately, she stole James’ comparison from earlier and told everyone that she’d accidentally knocked Peter down a flight of stairs.

Everyone had been mauling her with attention ever since. No more than ten minutes would pass before Marlene was promising her once again that everything would be fine or Shelia would try to lend her some article of clothing to trick her into feeling better. It became too much to handle very quickly, so Lily skived off lunch to walk around the castle, blissfully alone for the first time all day.

It didn’t last long. Wandering about, her feet automatically brought her back to the dungeons, where they had carried Peter to help last night. She knew that the Slytherin common room was not far from there, so it wasn’t all that surprising to run into Sev.

“Alright, Sev?” she asked.

Of everyone she could have run into, Sev was actually the best person she could think of. He wouldn’t force her to dwell on topics she’d rather avoid or smother her with affection. Even with the people he cared about, he remained cold and aloof. At times like these, it was exactly what Lily was looking for.

“Alright,” Sev replied shortly.

“I’m just taking a walk. We never appreciate the castle enough, do we? All of this history and personality, and I feel like we just stare at the grounds and miss it all. We’ll regret it once we’ve all finished school. Do you want to join me or are you heading for lunch?” Lily said, trying to force herself to feel as cheerful as she sounded.

Sev grunted, which wasn’t a satisfactory answer to an ‘or’ question. She wasn’t sure why, but she had the impression that he was cross with her. Under normal circumstances, Sev jumped at the opportunity to spend time with her. Though, she supposed she didn’t know what normal looked like for them anymore.

“Is something wrong?” Lily asked.

Sev gave a recalcitrant shrug but fell into step beside her. Realizing that he was in some kind of mood where he wouldn’t be volunteering any conversation, Lily decided to forge ahead for the both of them. In many ways it was a comforting callback to old times.

“So, Petunia’s birthday is coming up, as you know, and I’m thinking I’ll try to find her a gift in Hogsmeade. I have absolutely no ideas,” Lily said conversationally.

“I heard you’re going with Wright,” Severus said.

Lily winced. Petunia’s birthday present had seemed a safe enough topic, but Hogsmeade inevitably led to dating, which was the most dangerous subject of all.

“Actually, I’m going with Erik Carmichael and Ian Pratt.”

James had been right that Paul Wright wouldn’t take kindly to her multiple dates strategy. When she’d told him, in what had to be the most awkward conversation of her life, he’d spent a few baffled minutes trying to convince her to drop her other two dates before calling the whole thing off.

If this had been a test to see how these boys handled a little competition, Ian would have definitely won. He’d been more bemused than anything. Lily suspected he might, in fact, have admired her more after she’d explained her motives. He was the sensible sort who could appreciate why she might find one, long date tiresome.

Erik had been fairly furious about the whole thing, but Lily thought that was mostly James’ fault. He’d told Erik before she had a chance to do so herself, and probably in the most humiliating way possible. Too much had happened for her to remain cross with James about it, but she figured that Erik deserved a break for his teensy, little strop, since blame rested squarely with James.

After nearly half an hour of cajoling, Erik had accepted the situation. In true Gryffindor spirit, he seemed confident he’d win her over entirely after their date. The way he spoke about it, he seemed to think she would skive off her date with Ian to spend more time with him. As that would be unconscionably rude, she’d told him there was no chance of that happening, but he’d just shrugged her protests off.

Severus’s lips curled back, “Have you ever noticed how Carmichael has no neck? His head literally sits on his shoulders. You’ll have to look both ways for him when you cross the street because he certainly can’t.”

“Stop!” Lily shrieked, covering her mouth to muffle her laughter.

“Pratt’s much better in that regard. Of course, it’s because he doesn’t have a muscle in his body. If he offers to carry your bags, say no. He’s just trying to be gentlemanly. I can guarantee you’re stronger,” Sev continued viciously.

“You’re so mean!” Lily wailed, but she was laughing.

People were often thrown by Sev’s sense of humor. Others told caustic jokes too, but they always softened at the end or threw in some give that they were just having fun. Sev never did, but that was just the Cokeworth way. Lily had grown up watching men coming home from a day at the factory. Men who ripped each other to shreds then bought each other a pint. Those who could give as good as they got were admired. Here at Hogwarts, most people just interpreted it as Sev being a git.

Truthfully, Sev could be hilarious. Sure, someone was always the butt of his jokes, but there was nothing funnier than real life. No one doubled over with laughter talking about the pretend. It was the things that hit closest to home, that had a ring of unspoken truth to it, that could move her to tears of mirth.

Now that the mood was a bit lighter, Lily felt comfortable enough to press, “Sev, please be honest. Why were you upset with me before? I can tell you were.”

Severus’s face tightened imperceptibly. “I thought you didn’t want to be friends anymore.”

It was amazing how he could make such a vulnerable statement sound cold.

“Why on earth would you think that?” Lily asked. They’d literally just made up, and he’d given her no reason to renege on her promise of friendship. She could be cowardly, but even she wouldn’t just disappear like that without giving him an explanation first. People deserved second chances, and Lily had vowed to give him one.

At her genuine confusion, Sev furrowed his brow. “You never came to the library yesterday. I assumed you had changed your mind.”

Lily could hardly believe how forgetful she was becoming. In all of the panic from the night before, she had completely forgotten that they had agreed to meet and study in the library. She had only intended to talk to Slughorn for a few minutes and then head straight to their meeting. No matter what she would have been late from talking to James instead of rushing to their study spot, but it had entirely slipped her mind afterwards.

“You didn’t hear? I accidentally…er…knocked Peter Pettigrew down a flight of stairs and broke his spine last night. I spent the night in the Hospital Wing,” Lily said.

It was hard to ruffle Severus, but his eyes widened in shock at that. To be fair, it was probably the most legitimate excuse for breaking plans in the history of hanging out. No one would be expecting that.

“That’s…unexpected.”

“I’d rather not talk about it if you don’t mind. That’s why I’m skipping lunch right now. To avoid everyone else who won’t shut up about it,” Lily said.

“You didn’t have to stay in the Hospital Wing to check on him,” Severus said.

Lily rolled her eyes, “It’s called being nice, Sev. Honestly, you should try it.”

“You’re the only nice person I’ve ever met,” he said.

Lily nudged him in the side with her elbow. “You’re just spending time with the wrong people. _All_ of my friends are nice. You’ve never given any of them a chance, but you really should. Marlene’s an absolute angel, and Mary comes off cold, but she’s so brilliant and always there when you need her. Shelia…okay, maybe you wouldn’t much care for Shelia, but she’s fun and vibrant. You and Alice would both loathe each other, but really you’re a lot alike. She says what’s on her mind, and she’d do just about anything for the people she cares about.”

“Hmm,” Severus hummed noncommittally.

It frustrated her to end that he wouldn’t try to get to know her friends. They’d only been going to school together for over seven years. He’d always treated them like his usurpers. You’d think they’d stolen her away from him or something with the way he warily eyed them any time they approached her. When they were young, she hadn’t thought much of it, but it grew more ridiculous as they aged.

“Help me brainstorm ideas for what to get Petunia,” Lily said, changing the subject. “The problem is I won’t be able to go shopping anywhere but Hogsmeade before her birthday, but if it screams magic, she’ll hate it.

Normally, she bought her present over the summer, months in advance, for that very reason. She’d been feeling petty this summer though, and less inclined to cater to Petunia’s prejudices. Now that she had some distance from her sister’s cutting remarks, she was regretting her decision.

“Well, what does Petunia like?” Sev asked.

Once this would have been easy to answer, but for the last few years, Lily felt like she was always behind where her sister was concerned. _I haven’t done ballet in years, Lily. What were you thinking?_ Or _No one at school listens to Wings anymore_. While Lily was at school, Petunia was always evolving. They were stuck in a never-ending game of catch up.

“Petunia likes…tea.”

“Brilliant gift idea,” Sev snorted. “Truly insightful.”

“Oh, hush. I’m just getting started. She also likes clothes and makeup,” Lily said.

“Danvers Emporium sells jewelry that looks somewhat muggle,” Sev said helpfully. Lily wondered idly just why he would know something like that. It seemed out of character.

“True, but Petty’s picky about jewelry. She’s grown sort of posh, or at least she wishes she was posh, so jewelry is dangerous,” Lily said.

“Good ink and parchment.”

Lily sighed, “Frustratingly, I think Petunia would really like that aesthetically expect she’s come to associate it with the wizarding world. I can guarantee she’d whine about how she would prefer I got her a typewriter.”

“Zonkos is out. Your sister doesn’t have a sense of humor,” Sev said.

“Hey! It’s not like you find the trash they sell there funny either,” Lily said. Years of defending Petunia from Sev didn’t disappear overnight, even if she was on the outs with her sister.

Snickering, Sev continued, “You could always just buy her some Honeydukes and be done with it.”

Lily gasped dramatically. “Are you trying to get me killed? Petty doesn’t eat chocolate! I’m not sure she even _looks_ at chocolate.”

Having eaten more than one meal at the Evans’ household, Severus knew all about Petunia’s aversion to anything containing carbohydrates. Petunia made Lily look like an undisciplined slob in all respects. She never needed a cheat day. Giving her chocolate would be an act of war.

They were just reaching the top of the stairs before they would emerge at the Entrance Hall. Lily slumped against the stair railing, halting their progress. Even if they weren’t hiding their rekindled friendship, they wouldn’t maintain this relaxed banter once other people were watching. Lily knew from past experience that Severus shut down when his Slytherin friends were watching.

“I’m doomed!” she moaned.

“Transfigure her a skirt or something from the magazines then swap it with the real one next time you go to a muggle shopping center,” Sever suggested.

Lily would have kissed him if that wouldn’t have been extremely confusing for them both. “That’s genius! Thank you so much for helping me.”

“Always.”

It didn’t make sense to continue exploring the castle after that. Lily’s next class was Herbology, which meant that she’d be exiting through the Entrance Hall, so she parted ways with Sev there.

She’d put up a mental block around the subject of Preston Nott since their last lesson. Thinking about how he had tried to intimidate her made her feel as if the bottom of her stomach had dropped away, like she was riding a roller coaster without a safety restraint. Logically, she knew there was nothing he could do to her. She’d tell a professor if things progressed too far, and she was no victim. Lily would fight back.

Giving into his partner swapping idea, however, felt like losing. She didn’t know how to beat this awful boy. No matter what reaction she gave to his taunting, she feared it would be the wrong one.

Her run to the Greenhouses was not an ideal time to think about it either. The rain was too persistent to focus on anything else.

Outside the Greenhouses, she lost her footing in a spot of mud and careened into the ground. She made contact with an upturned stone with enough force to tear through the fabric of her stocking and scrape her knee. Lily righted herself unsteadily and studied the mud that was caked all over her robes. The graceful, unaffected entrance she had been hoping to make – a bid to show Nott that his taunts were to be wasted with her – was summarily ruined.

When she walked in looking like a drowned rat, she was annoyed to notice that Nott was not only dry but also paying her no attention. Here she was fixated in her anxiety on what to do about his offer, and he hardly remembered. Ruining her life appeared to only be an afterthought for him.

She was saved from coming up with a plan of attack by Professor Humphries . “I heard about Mr. Pettigrew. Will you be alright working alone for now?”

Nott was looking at her now, waiting for her response. It was Susan Kerns that decided it for Lily. Susan was hardly paying attention to anything, shoulders hunched in the classic pose of someone trying to go unnoticed. It was then that Lily decided that she could handle any abuse Nott threw her way. Girls like Susan couldn’t, and that was okay, because they shouldn’t have to. The Lilys of the world could help.

Lily had perfect posture. Her back never bowed.

“If Susan doesn’t mind, I was actually hoping I could be partnered with Nott until Peter’s out of the Hospital.”

Any doubts Lily might have had were permanently shattered by the reluctant hope that bloomed all over Susan’s face. Lily couldn’t upend blood supremacy for all her fellow muggleborns, but she could give Susan this.

Professor Humphries gave them some hassle about the partner swap, but since all parties involved were enthusiastically in favor, she eventually relented. Almost glowing with gratitude Susan whispered to Lily that she’d do her Herbology for the rest of term if she wanted before hurrying to sit alone at the desk furthest from Nott.

“A real witch would have thought to use a drying spell,” Nott said in way of a greeting. His eyes lingered meaningfully on the smudge of streaked blood on her knee. It all came back to blood with people like him.

Lily didn’t acknowledge Nott as she sat down and busied herself in setting up her space at the table. He’d effectively trapped her in so that she could no longer use a drying spell without looking weak, though she was painfully aware that he would take her sitting sopping wet and _muddy_ as a victory as well.

Humphries was lecturing that day, so it was easy for Lily to ignore him. She tracked him out of the corner of her eye though – lazily leaned back in his chair, ever-present smirk that seemed tattooed onto his face.

They were nearly an hour into the lesson when Nott made his first move.

“You know, Evans, when I said to switch partners, I didn’t mean you had to hospitalize poor Pettigrew,” he drawled.

Lily’s note-taking didn’t pause for a second. _You must ensure that your Geranium’s roots have been allowed to grow to at least seven centimeters before being replotted in the Earth._

“I wasn’t expecting you to be so… _eager_ to spend time with me. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Grandfather always says mudbloods are desperate to be around real wizards.”

_If replotted before, flood conditions will be a great risk to your Geranium_.

“You’re disgusting, of course, but if you wanted to know what a real wizard’s like, I’d be willing to show you,” Nott said.

_Possible consequences of premature replotting are Oh My God, I hate him!_

Remaining calm at this barrage of filth was difficult. Lily knew that bullies thrived off getting a reaction, so she refused to give him the satisfaction. She would be unassailable until he became bored and gave up.

Before Hogwarts she’d had no experience with bullies. What was there for her primary school classmates to tease her about? Sure, there was the occasional joke about freckled knees, but every child suffered those. There had never been anything systematic, never anything targeted.

People who thought they were God’s gift to the wizarding world just because of their heritage had been her first experience with true bullying. Even then she was protected. She was too well-liked and had too many friends to be victimized. It was less bullying and more sparring.

No matter what their relationship had been, James and the other Marauders had also always been ready to defend her. Their presence in the school was such that most students, even the worst Slytherins, were hesitant to cross them. They were always quick to jump in defense of any of the muggleborn Gryffindors. She’d seen them stand up for students outside their house too, but she knew that they were more isolated and it wasn’t like the Marauders could be everywhere at once.

Other muggleborns had it so much worse than she did.

“I’ve always thought you were uppity, but it looks like you do know how to keep your mouth shut when your betters are talking. Looks like Potter and that traitor, Black, just don’t know how to keep you in your place,” Nott said.

This had been what Lily worried about before. That no matter how she responded, he would turn it into a victory. Even if she never broke, he would still go back to his House bragging about how the mudblood Head Girl shuts up and takes it. She would come to dread class twice a week, and he would make a sport of it. The injustice nearly killed her.

Some blissful time passed where Nott kept his despicable mouth shut, but it didn’t last long, and when he started up again, it was with a vengeance.

“What do you and Snape talk about?”

Lily twitched a little at the change in direction, but kept writing studiously.

“You’re allowed to answer a direct question, mudblood. No? Oh well, I only ask because I know exactly who Snape is, but I’ve always been curious about what kind of show he puts on for you,” Nott said.

He wasn’t at all bothering to keep his voice down, and Lily realized he must have cast a Muffilato. Sometimes Sev was too clever by half.

“Do you know the game Fuck, Marry, Kill? We play it a bit differently, where you have to describe just how you’d do your kill. Your mate Severus played for you, McKinnon and Marks. Want to know his answer?” Nott said, inching into her personal space.

Lily really, really didn’t want to hear any of this. She was not managing to remain as unaffected on the inside as she wanted to be. Sev was her weak spot, and like the vulture he was, Nott could sense it.

“Obviously, Snape would marry Marks as she’s the only respectable one among you. A bit of a blood traitor, but the Marks have never been a prominent family. You can get away with more. Then, your beloved Snape said he’d fuck you. I would too, by the way, in this scenario. Me and Snape seem to have similar taste. Then, he said he’d kill McKinnon,” Nott shaped the words almost lovingly. “He knows a spell that would make her neck slowly stretch centimeter by torturous centimeter until it finally just popped right off. No more annoying mudblood. I hope he gets to try it out someday.

There was no pretending to be indifferent at that. Bile rose in her throat, and her hand flew instinctively to her mouth. Nott tracked the movement with pleasure, so she turned her face away, afraid that she might start crying.

Lily had been prepared for schoolhouse taunts. Graphically describing her best friend’s murder like it would be some treat to watch was something else entirely. For the first time, Lily realized that Nott might be genuinely dangerous. He didn’t seem unhinged, doling out his abuse methodically, but no stable person would fantasize about killing his classmates.

All this time Susan had been dealing with this, and Lily had thought she was just upset about the strain on her grades.

“I think we’re going to make great partners,” Nott grinned, folding his arms behind his head.

While Lily still had the best posture in the class, her shoulders wilted just a little.

 

“You’re such a freak, Lily.”

“But you love me all the same.”

Marlene made a disagreeable tut in answer. No matter what lies Marlene might have felt like telling, Lily knew that she was absolutely adoring the attention. The girls were all gathered in the Common Room, having successfully claimed the prized seats in front of the fireplace for themselves.

Since making her escape from Nott at the end of her Herbology lesson, Lily had been slathering Marlene with affection. Nott’s disturbing talk of Marlene’s death had gotten to her, and she felt like she needed to check that Marlene was safe and unharmed every few seconds. It had been Lily insisting Marlene recline with her head in Lily’s lap – a head that would be remaining securely attached to her neck, thank you very much – that had prompted her to call Lily a freak.

“Can you believe how soon our Transfiguration exam is? I swear, McGonagall moved up the date when we weren’t looking to torture us,” Shelia groaned. “I haven’t even started revising yet.”

“Hmm, I started three weeks ago,” Mary said blandly.

“Well, you’re you,” Shelia said dismissively.

While Lily had not put off revision to the last moment like Shelia had (she never did), she was feeling rather behind. Her marks in Transfiguration were above reproach, but that was only because she dedicated herself to the subject like her life depended on it before every exam. Having been so busy with Head Girl responsibilities and an increased work load in her other classes, she hadn’t been putting in the time that she should. She’d grown arrogant, forgetting that Transfiguration would never come naturally to her.

“The timing couldn’t be worse,” Shelia complained. “There’s Hogsmeade and the Slytherin party on Friday. McGonagall has to know no one will be able to concentrate.”

“I don’t think a party is an excuse Professor McGonagall would accept,” Mary said.

“Stop picking on everything I say. I swear, you’re starting to sound more like Alice every day,” Shelia said crossly.

“Speaking of, who’s going to talk to her?” Lily asked, winding a long, black lock of Marlene’s hair repeatedly around her wrist.

“Are we forgiving Alice?” Mary asked.

“We kind of have to,” Shelia sighed. “She did put the traitorous-weasel-who-won’t-be-named in the Hospital Wing. Hard to stay angry after that.”

Lily nodded, “Then, it’s settled. Shelia, you’ll go tell Alice how much you appreciate it that she stepped up, and we’ll all be mates again.”

Shelia crossed her arms, “It’s most certainly not decided. You’re the one who started this whole mess in the first place. Witch-up and end it yourself.”

The other girls nodded in agreement. Irked, Lily tugged on Marlene’s hair a little bit in retaliation, but she didn’t relent. She had the suspicion that they might have discussed this previously when she wasn’t there.

It was hardly fair of them. Never had she intended to excommunicate Alice from the group. All of the girls had harbored their own resentments and just jumped on Lily’s fight with Alice as an excuse to be done with her. This had never been about Lily for them.

She told them as much.

“But you’re Head Girl. You should be the one to take responsibility,” Marlene cajoled.

Lily highly doubted these were the scenarios that Dumbledore had envisioned would fall under her Head Girl duties.

“Why not you, Marlene?” Lily asked.

“Me!” Marlene scrambled out of Lily’s lap, her hair untangling from Lily’s grasp. “Why me? Oh, you can’t make me do it. Alice will eat me alive. She’s positively terrifying.”

She looked over to Mary for assurance, and Mary nodded her head. Mary would take the bullet for all of them before she made Marlene do it because, dramatics aside, Alice could actually be a bit scary.

“I have detention tonight, that’s why. Besides, Marly, aren’t you the one who said you want us to stop babying you? Looking to Mary to protect you from Big Bad Alice isn’t particularly mature,” Lily said triumphantly.

Taunting Marlene was a dangerous tactic because Mary looked capable of murder and Marlene was rapidly turning red, which made Lily feel a little guilty. Not guilty enough though. She suspected she was tapped out in that regard.

“Come off it, Lily. Here, we’ll vote. All those in favor of Lily going?” Shelia said. The vote was unsurprisingly three to one. “There you have it. Now stop tormenting Marlene.”

“Fine,” Lily huffed. “I’ll go find her later.”

“Now was that so difficult,” Shelia cooed, patting Lily on the hand.

 “Why don’t you just skip the Slytherin party, if you’re worried about finding time to revise?” Lily asked, returning to less forbidding subjects.

“Be serious, Lily.”

“I am. We went to a party last weekend. You don’t need to go to another so soon,” Lily insisted.

“Are you telling me you’re going to hole up in the Library on a Friday night?” Shelia scoffed.

Lily turned to Mary. “Do you think Pince would let me?”

“She might if you ask in advance.”

Regardless of how people might judge her for it, Lily couldn’t think of a more exciting way to spend tomorrow night. She’d always wanted to visit the Library after hours. During the day, it was always bustling with other students, and it was impossible to get lost in the books. The privacy would be glorious.

“Come to the party with me,” Shelia wheedled. “I can’t not show or everyone will think I’m sulking about Jerome, but I don’t want to risk running into him alone.”

“You shouldn’t care so much about what other people think,” Lily said. She tried to pretend a rush of inexplicable triumph didn’t course through her. At least, she wanted it to be inexplicable.

“Sorry, Sheels, but I’m with Lily. I’ve had enough of parties for a while,” Marlene said. “The last one was crazy.”

There was something wrong with Shelia’s reasoning capabilities when the only two muggleborns in the group refusing to attend the party didn’t raise alarm bells in Shelia’s head. She shouldn’t need to be told that neither of them would feel safe, let alone welcome, in the Slytherin common room.

“I’ll go,” Mary said, flipping a page in the book she was reading.

Everyone stared at her.

“You want to go to a party that….that we’re not attending?” Lily gaped.

“Why not?”

Lily could think of several reasons why not. The principal one was sitting on the arm of the sofa beside her and wearing yellow. It’s not like Mary and Marlene were never apart. It may have seemed that way judging from how Lily never spent time with Mary alone, but that was because Mary’s day could be divided into time spent alone and time spent with Marlene. She didn’t schedule bonding time in for the other girls unless Marlene was also invited. All the same, while they may have had their own separate interests, parties had never been Mary’s thing. She only ever went to keep Marlene company as Marlene sometimes grew anxious beforehand about whether she’d have anyone to talk to.

“Be still my heart,” Shelia cried, clapping her hands together. “We’ll have a brill time. I promise.”

“It’s hardly my first party,” Mary said, rolling her eyes.

“It’s the first party you want to go to. That’s major,” Shelia corrected.

Acting as if they were the barmy ones for thinking the situation was at all unusual, Mary stood up and announced, “I’m heading to bed early.

The way she said it left no doubt that she was really just trying to escape the three of them. She didn’t even make any moves to invite Marlene to come upstairs with her.

Everything was changing. Maybe the changes felt small and would be easily missed by the outside observer, but something was shifting in their group dynamic. Lily wondered if the absence of Alice was the factor that had thrown them all off so dramatically.

Next chance she got, Lily was going to make things right with Alice. Everyone would stop behaving strangely, and everything would return to normal. Just the way Lily liked it.

Right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for everyone who are desperate for the specifics on what Peter was up to. The perils of limited POVs, I’m afraid. Your best guess is probably accurate though, so…  
> Please review with your thoughts! And thanks for reading!


	21. Oct 13: Of Riddles, Enigmatic & Solved

**Oct. 13, 1977**

Even though Lily had fought to avoid being the one to make peace with Alice, she didn’t put it off once she was overruled by her friends. Lily didn’t believe in putting off unpleasant things. If she did, her entire day would be ruined while she ruminated on what was to come. Better to get the unpleasant thing over with now and then be able to focus. She had a detention scheduled for that evening anyway, so it wasn’t like she ran the risk of ruining a fun night.

Finding Alice turned out to be difficult. She had stopped spending time in Gryffindor common room so that she could avoid her housemates, but Lily had never stopped to question where that meant she was always wandering off to. None of the students from other houses that she interrogated reported having seen her spending time in their common rooms and Lily would have seen her in the library if that was her usual haunt.

It was with great irritation that Lily gave up her search an hour before her detention. Their conversation wasn’t something that could be rushed, and she couldn’t afford to skive off a detention. She may be experimenting with rule-breaking, but she wasn’t completely out of control yet.

Some noises coming from a broom cupboard caught her detention. Lily figured it was an amorous couple and decided to intervene. It wasn’t her day to patrol the corridors, but there was something called propriety. (That Lily had snogged once or twice in a broom cupboard herself was beside the point.)

To her surprise, the object of her search was seated inside the cupboard though, surrounded by three enormous cats and Mrs. Norris. It was clear from the candy wrappers that littered the ground and the stacks of books piled beside her, that Alice had either been camped out in the cupboard for some time now or had been returning to it on a near-daily basis.

“What are you doing?” Lily asked. It wasn’t how she had hoped to open their conversation as it sounded accusatory and immediately set Alice on the defensive.

“Nothing. Bugger off,” Alice snapped.

One of the cats with discomfiting green eyes and black-and-white fur hissed at her. As if holding it back, Alice placed a large hand on its back.

“I was hoping we could talk,” Lily said, swallowing thickly. “Can we go somewhere?”

“I’m fine here, thanks,” Alice said disagreeably.

Lily looked around at the cramped space. It was a broom cupboard, which meant it wasn’t going to comfortably fit two people on a good day, and Alice had filled it up with her things. She had known that she was going to have to be assertive to force Alice to listen to her when she went into this. No one knew how to make Lily work for something – approval or forgiveness – quite like Alice did.

Resigned, Lily shoved her way into the small space, nearly knocking one of the cats out of Alice’s lap in the process, and lowered herself to the floor. Her knees cracked loudly in the silence of the cupboard, and she had to fold her legs inward to fit. Alice readjusted to sprawl out and dominate even more space, a likely intentional move to make their arrangement even less comfortable for Lily.

“So that was pretty cool how you put Jerome in the hospital,” Lily said.

She was hoping that if she opened with something unrelated to their fight that things would just naturally progress, and they wouldn’t even have to talk about it. Wasn’t that how blokes always seemed to resolve things? They never had to spell out all their issues. No matter how loudly Alice liked to bemoan the drama of other girls though, she was at the end of the day one herself, and Lily’s evasive strategies weren’t successful.

Alice glared at her with narrowed eyes and didn’t respond.

Right.

“Listen, I’m sorry about everything. It was immature of me to freak out like I did over the thestral thing. Yes, you didn’t do your part of the prank properly, but I was just as much a part of the planning, and it wasn’t fair to take it out on you like that,” Lily said in a rush of breath, the words tumbling together and becoming practically unintelligible. The steely glint in Alice’s eyes didn’t soften for a moment, but Lily pressed on. “We’re all really sorry and don’t want to row anymore. Can we just go back to how things were before?”

Lily had actually put a lot of thought into what she wanted to communicate to her ousted friend. Wandering the halls searching for her, there had been little else to occupy her thoughts, and worries about Alice had been keeping her up most nights since the prefects’ meeting when she’d first determined that she wanted things to return to normal between them.

She stood by what she had told James. Explaining to Alice that she had been cutting everyone down to make herself feel less insecure ever since Rory chucked her would be unbearably cruel. Maybe Alice realized the source of her personality transformation, maybe she didn’t. Either way, Lily couldn’t possibly bring it up in the middle of an apology.

It was better to stick strictly to the events that led to their fight and nothing else. In many ways, it grated to have to do so. Lily’s own anger and reaction looked a lot more indefensible, meaninglessly cruel, when she couldn’t explain the context behind it all, but if taking the blame was what was necessary to make things right, she’d do it.

Lily figured that Alice would appreciate an apology that was straight to the point anyway. There was no need to dither about the point. Lily loathed ditherers. It was something they’d always had in common.

“So what? I did a nice thing for Shelia and it made you feel like a bitch so now you want to be friends again?” Alice snorted. “Spare me, Lily.”

Lily shook her head earnestly. “No! I’ve been planning to talk to you for days now. I just didn’t know what to say, and I guess I was a little scared. What you did with Jerome had nothing to do with anything.”

Alice didn’t look like she believed her. And why should she? Of all their friends, Alice had always been the one who understood Lily the most. She was likely the only person in Hogwarts other than maybe Sev who realized how easily and unthinkingly Lily could lie when it suited her. In this particular instance, Lily was telling the truth, but she would have said the same thing regardless.

“Alice, I don’t want to be friends again because we already are friends. Just because we’ve been rowing doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” Lily said earnestly. Alice didn’t sneer or respond in any hostile way, just remaining stony and still, and it was that lack of belief that made Lily start to panic. “Honestly, Al! We all want to make up with you. It’s been so hard on all of us.”

“Merlin, Lily! Has it? Has completely cutting me out been difficult for you? Have you taken ten extra minutes to fall asleep each night wondering how I was holding up? My heart bleeds for you. It really does!” Alice exploded.

“Listen, I just want –”

Now that Alice had gotten started, she didn’t appear to have any plans to stop. A week’s worth of resentment had been steadily brewing within her and now she was unleashing it onto Lily. “I give fuck-all about what you want. We haven’t just been rowing. You convinced all of my friends to dump me just because something didn’t go your way and you can’t take responsibility for your actions. Ever! Do you know how exhausting it is to be friends with someone when nothing’s ever their fault? You’re probably the most obliviously cruel person I’ve ever met. The second someone doesn’t worship the ground you walk on, you lash out and destroy them, and afterwards, you expect them to just get over it. You certainly have since none of it means anything to you!”

For a moment, Lily’s emotions balanced on a razor’s edge. It was a tossup whether she was going to burst into tears or let her fury consume her. Sirius Black was ultimately at fault for Lily opting for the latter. Alice’s claims that Lily never took responsibility for anything were too similar to what Sirius had said to her just that morning.

The unfairness of it bristled. How was Lily supposed to force people to hold her more accountable? She was sorry that professors tended to be more lenient with her or that their classmates shied away from upsetting her. What did everyone expect though, that Lily demand to be berated and punished every time she made a mistake? If they were in her shoes, they’d take the easy way out too.

Besides, she certainly didn’t feel like people never held her accountable lately. If her life was so blessed, why had she spent her afternoon teetering on the verge of tears because Nott decided she made the perfect target to torture? Why had she been yelled at by not one but two of her fellow Gryffindors?

Blinded by the injustice of Alice’s accusations, Lily entirely forgot about her vow from just an hour before to not burden Alice with the details of just why everyone had been so quick to desert her. “I didn’t even _ask_ the other girls to stop talking to you. In fact, I told them that I didn’t want our row to affect them at all. They made the decision all their own that they were sick of you too.”

Alice’s grip on the cat in her lap tightened, and the thing went yowling off of her and knocked into Lily. Neither of them paid any attention to the squirming ball of fur. They were too focused on one another. A vein ticked on Alice’s throat, angry and red, visible above the collar of her robes.

“I’m not trying to…I just…You haven’t been kind to any of us lately. Not since….well, not for a while. The other girls were angry about separate things and made their own choices. I would never have tried to isolate you from the whole group just because we were fighting.” Even though that was essentially nothing but a list of excuses, Lily felt relatively proud that she’d managed even that much. She had managed to stop herself from spewing more hurtful things, which was a win in her book.

Emboldened when Alice didn’t immediately refute or attack her, Lily leaned over and took her larger hand in her own. Alice looked down on their clasped hands with a carefully neutral expression. That quickly, Lily’s anger turned off and she was left with nothing but a yearning for everything to be better again. She’d missed Alice. In a way that she had never been able to explain, Alice had always been hers. Marlene and Mary were always too caught up with each other, and Shelia was her best friend, but she was frequently absent, running off with whatever bloke had caught her eye that day. Alice was the one who was always there.

“I want everything to go back to the way things were. Not the way things were a week ago, but how things were last year. We were so happy. Don’t you remember?” Lily implored, stroking her thumb along her knuckles.

“Of course you do, Lily,” Alice sighed. There was no hostility in her voice anymore, only weary acceptance. “This year, I’ve been more me than I ever have been before, and you hate it. Maybe I’m not as easy or as fun, but I’m being honest with myself about who I am, and I’m not hiding my feelings just to make things more comfortable for everyone else. As my friend, you should be celebrating that, not trying to tear me down.”

But this wasn’t who Alice was. Lily was so sure of it. The girl she had become friends with was similar in many ways to this version of Alice. They were both loud with boyish senses of humors and had an ever present sharpness behind their eyes. The real Alice was also selfless and considerate and _giggled_. Was it so wrong to want that back?

“I’m not trying to police who you are,” Lily said slowly.

“Yes. Yes, you are,” Alice insisted.

“If you think this is who you are now, then of course I’ll support that,” Lily said, ignoring her interruption. Support was maybe a bit of a strong word for how Lily felt about Alice’s shift in personality, but she thought it was close enough. It wasn’t like Lily was going to abandon their friendship if the version of Alice she longed for never returned. “But you make people feel bad about themselves, Al. Just because you think something doesn’t mean you have to say it.”

A small glint of menace returned to Alice’s face, jaw turning upward sharply. “Lily, you blow up on people all the time. Some of the things you’ve said to people you don’t like are unbelievable.”

“There’s a difference between saying something mean because you’re angry and saying it because you can,” Lily said.

This was strange territory to be drifting into. She did see Alice’s point. Recently, she’d been trying to be more aware of how she treated the people around her. Just the other day, she’d apologized to Potter after losing her temper about her height, hadn’t she? The Lily of past years wouldn’t have even considered that she may have done something wrong there. But Alice had probably seen Lily decimate dozens of people over the years, and then sweep away without a hint of remorse.

She didn’t…she didn’t think of herself as a mean person. There were few people as polite as Lily, and sometimes it seemed like there wasn’t a person in the school that didn’t love her. If she were honestly so terrible, there should have been consequences.

Sirius’s words about how no one ever held her accountable drifted through her mind and dismantled that argument.

None of it made sense. Lily was, however, pretty confident that she was onto something about Alice and the thoughtlessly cruel things she would say to everyone around her being different. She never seemed upset when she did it. Everyone was supposed to pretend as if nothing had even happened after Alice told them how annoying they were or how their problems were pointless. Lily couldn’t begin to guess why Alice said the things she did, but she knew they weren’t right.

It didn’t occur to her to ask.

Alice closed her eyes and huffed, “I’m not sure how you think you’re going to get away with twisting everything that happened to make you the victim. Me being a big meanie who says hurtful things has nothing to do with you losing your shit about the thestral thing.”

“I’ll tell you,” Lily said quickly.

She levelled Alice with her most serious expression because she needed her to understand that this was actually a big deal for Lily. Opening up about the turmoil that had wrecked her after Daisy went wild in the Great Hall was hard for her. It touched on too many subjects that Lily tried to deny even existed. She would do it because Alice was too important to her to not, but her hands were already starting to sweat as the anxiety set in.

The night she’d touched on it with James had been a fluke. She’d been too tired or too stressed or too _something_ to freak out. There was also something undefinable about the way James looked at her that made him easy to open up to, that made her feel less afraid of herself.

“Do you know I cancelled my subscription to _Witch Weekly_? I wasn’t ever obsessed with it or anything, but I liked reading it. I always had. I know it doesn’t have any real reporting or educational value, but I liked knowing what was going on in wizarding culture, and I care about my hair and things like that. Every time I’d get it delivered though, you’d make some comment about how you didn’t realize I’d traded in my brain for boobs or about how girls who read that stuff are desperate slags with no goals for themselves. So I cancelled it,” Lily said. “I care about what you think of me, so I make all these little changes to my life in the hopes of convincing you I’m worth it.”

Alice shifted uncomfortably. “Still doesn’t explain the thestral.”

“I never wanted to go through with it. I knew it was a terrible idea, but I also knew that you’d be annoyed with me if I said we shouldn’t do it. Let’s be honest, Alice, you’d have called me a coward and spent the next few days harping on about it,” Lily explained. “I just wanted you to think I was cool.”

“You can’t make your decisions based on other people,” Alice said firmly.

Lily flicked her hair in frustration. She knew that. Why did people always insist on answering back with the world’s most obvious advice? Growing a back bone was on her to do list. No worries. She just wanted Alice to _understand_.

“I’m not saying it was fair, but I wouldn’t have gone for the plan if I wasn’t scared of disappointing you. That’s why I lashed out when things went wrong. I blamed you for it,” Lily forced herself to finish.

It was a long time before Alice said anything in response. She almost did by the looks of it several times, opening her mouth before shutting it and running an exasperated hand over her face. Lily appreciated that she didn’t just respond with whatever first came to her mind because it was likely unkind, but the anticipation was only making her more anxious. Her only source of comfort was that Alice still hadn’t shaken off her hand, and she could focus on the familiar tanned fingers.

“I don’t forgive you,” she said finally. “I don’t forgive you, and I certainly am not going to forget this. You have no idea how hard this last week has been for me. I’m not you, Lily. You could find just about any group of students and convince them to hang out with you for a week. People love you. I’ve just been…here.”

Lily sincerely hoped Alice was referring to an existential sense of loneliness when she said here and not the broom cupboard in which they currently resided. Judging by the well-used look of the space and the mystery cats, Lily knew that her hopes were pointless. Her heart twinged painfully as she accepted the truth: Alice had been spending her evenings hiding out in a broom cupboard so that she didn’t have to see them.

“That’s fair,” Lily croaked out.

“I think that maybe you don’t forgive me either though,” Alice said, giving Lily a knowing look. “I’m not going to apologize, and you’re not going to forgive me without one. We both know your pride would never allow it…so, let’s just…we’ll be friends again. We’ll just have _issues_.”

Lily knew her face showed her deep skepticism of this plan. Neither one of them were the passive-aggressive type who could pretend like nothing was wrong and cut each other down covertly. They had tempers. Lily didn’t think they could bring all of their issues into their renewed friendship without it blowing it up all over again within the day.

Yet, without an apology, Lily knew Alice was right and that she wouldn’t be ready to forgive. She’d known it was a pipedream, but she had held out hope that this conversation might end with mutually exchanged apologies. Lily was guilty of plenty here, but she wasn’t the only one in the wrong. She was too sad, too guilty at the moment to really feel it, but she knew that resentment about being the only one to have apologized was going to rear up later.

“As long as we spend time together like normal, so that we have a chance to fix them, I can accept that,” Lily conceded.

Alice smiled tightly. “Now all I need is an apology from Mary, Marlene, and Shelia and we’ll be set.”

“I think they were hoping you would accept my apology on their behalf,” Lily stuttered awkwardly, aware that the chances of that happening were practically nonexistent.

Silence stretched long and unbreachable between them. Neither knew how to move forward under the new terms of their friendship. In that moment, their emotions were too raw and they didn’t especially like each other. Anything Lily could think of to say now would sound callous or superficial.

“I have detention, so I need to go,” Lily said finally.

Alice didn’t ask why. She appeared relieved that Lily would be leaving her once more to her solitude. Lily supposed the cats never judged her.

“Lunch tomorrow?” Lily asked hopefully.

“…Yeah, Lily. I’ll see you for lunch tomorrow.”

Lily reflected as she left on how everything she had thought she discovered about the nature of apologies that week had just been proven false. There was no relief. Nothing was fixed. As she trudged towards detention, all she could feel was the first inkling of fear that if an apology wasn’t going to solve anything, she wasn’t sure what was.

 

In her Hogwarts career, Lily had served exactly three detentions. Two had been with McGonagall during fourth year because she had fallen into the terrible habit of oversleeping and had thus been late to class so many times that the stern professor had lost all patience with her. Arguments that Lily wouldn’t have such a terrible time waking up if she wasn’t staying up past two in the morning revising for McGonagall’s own class, had fallen on deaf ears. The third detention was served after Lily and Alice were caught after curfew bringing a very drunk Shelia home from a party in sixth year.

All in all, she was probably in the running for most behaved witch in the castle.

Of those three detentions, none had been served with Mr. Filch. She’d heard the horror stories, of course, about how the cantankerous man yearned for the days where he could torture wayward students or about how he subjected them to the most laborious of punishments. To Lily, it all sounded like hogwash.

She and the caretaker had a perfectly lovely relationship. They were frequently united on the same side in their desire to prevent wrongdoing in the castle, and he always helped with the decorations for major holidays. Filch may have looked like a storybook villain, but he was really just a harmless man who was given no respect. Lily rather liked him.

Also, he was a cat lover, and Lily adored cats. If Mary wasn’t allergic, she would have surely purchased one years ago. And Alice claimed Lily didn’t take others’ needs into consideration. Bah!

It was this sunny outlook on the normally despised caretaker that led to what was likely the most bizarre pre-detention lead up in Filch’s life. Rather than the usual nerves or grumpiness that students displayed whenever they had to meet him for a detention, Lily brought only smiles.

Lily stood before Filch’s desk, waiting for her partner for detention to arrive. She had been precisely fifteen minutes early, which had shocked Filch who had still been having his supper. To Filch’s confusion, Lily was enthusiastically informing him about her decorating plans for the Halloween feast.

“As I said before, nothing is finalized, but I really think we can do something amazing this year. You know, in the muggle world, people have these haunted houses where the whole purpose is just to scare your friends. They fill it up with cobwebs and creepy crawlies and then you go just to be frightened,” Lily told him.

While still thrown by Lily’s conversational attitude towards detention, Filch did brighten a bit at her description of haunted houses. “What about chains? Could you threaten to hang a few firsties by their toes?”

“Absolutely! Threats of torture are perfectly in the Halloween spirit. Some of the best haunted houses are ones where they hire actors to dress up in costume and scare people as they walk by. They’ll chase them through the rooms, and once, I even had a man in a mask come at me with a chainsaw!” Lily said.

“But none of it’s real?” Filch said a little mournfully.

“Of course not, but the fear certainly is. I nearly cried once because a murderous clown came near me. It’s good fun, but genuinely terrifying in the moment...I wonder if we could convince the ghosts to participate in some way? I know it’s an important holiday for them in their own right, so they might be too busy, and, obviously they’re not quite scary, are they? Maybe the Bloody Baron,” Lily mused.

“Kids these days don’t know what real fear is like. It would do them a world of good to show them,” Filch cackled.

Lily was taken aback by his tone and use of “kids these days.” He could hardly be much older than forty if that. Still, she considered his words.

“True, in the current political climate, there’s a lot to be afraid of. Sheltering us until we’re seventeen and then abandoning us to the world may not be healthy,” Lily agreed. “A little exposure to build up your resistance may be wise, like you said.”

Based on the events of yesterday, Lily could testify that she was one such student who couldn’t healthily process fear. There was no reason to believe her peers were any better. When faced with the very clown that had frightened her sister, Petunia had automatically reacted by punching it in the face. Evans women reacted violently to fear.

“So, how did you come to be a caretaker?” Lily asked Filch, who had been scratching his head as if he were very confused by something. “Did you have a different position before or start your career straight off at Hogwarts?”

With a relish that implied no one had ever thought to ask him the question before, Filch proceeded to fill Lily in on the details of his life. It was a story of a slew of mundane, unfulfilling housekeeping positions before nepotism (he had a sympathetic third cousin in the School of Governors) managed to get him an interview with Dumbledore. The headmaster had recognized that Filch was uniquely qualified for the position and hired him immediately in spite of his unfortunate circumstances. Filch didn’t explain just what these circumstances were, but he spoke as if Dumbledore had done him a great kindness.

It was during the tail-end of this story that James arrived for detention, the other Marauders sans Peter in tow. He did a double-take when he saw Lily and a triple-take when he realized she was sharing an amiable conversation with Filch.

“Lily! What are you doing here?”

“No time for chit chat,” Filch growled, his demeanor transforming him to something akin to the stories told about him. Lily guessed that James must have made an enemy of Filch through his misbehavior. He had a talent for irritating authority figures. Lily considered herself among them in her capacity first as a prefect and then as Head Girl. “You four’ll be serving detention spit-shining trophies in the Trophy Room. Give something back to the school for a change.”

“You know, I resent that,” Sirius said cheerfully as Filch led the way. “I give _so_ _much_ to this school. In fact, they should give a trophy to me.”

“You’d have to participate for that, Pads,” Remus replied good-naturedly.

“And become like you good Samaritans? Merlin forbid,” Sirius shuddered.

“What do you think Sirius’s chances of becoming a good boy are, Filch?” James teased.

Making angry noises in the back of his throat, Filch marched faster towards their destination so that Lily had to jog to keep up with his long strides. Lily hated when James acted like this, goading and jeering at others as if they existed solely to amuse him. Poor Mr. Filch didn’t deserve it.

“Wands,” Filch demanded when they reached the Trophy Room. Bitterly, the three boys passed theirs over. When Lily went to do the same, Filch stopped her. “Not you. You can keep yours as long as you don’t use it to help those three hooligans.”

“Why her?” spluttered Sirius.

“Because she’s Head Girl. She _participates_ ,” Filch said, smiling nastily and popping the p’s in ‘participates.’ Sirius reared back at the affront of having his previous banter turned against him.

“I’m Head Boy!” James protested.

Ignoring him, Filch dropped their bucket of supplies on the floor.

“Best get started,” he snickered. And with that he was gone.

“Alright, cough it up, Lily,” James said the second the door clicked shut behind Filch.

“Excuse me?”

“Your wand. Clean everything up so we can get out of here,” James ordered.

Lily folded her arms tightly over her chest. “This is detention. It’s not meant to be easy. It’s supposed to be teaching us that there are consequences to our behavior. Using magic would defeat the purpose.”

James gave her a look of pure disgust and Remus moaned loudly. She felt rather betrayed by Remus’s show of disapproval because normally he was kind to her regarding her affinity for the rules. Only Sirius didn’t react with annoyance, and that was because he seemed to be gloating.

“Knew she wouldn’t help out. Happy to break the rules when it suits her, but not to help out her mates,” Sirius snorted.

“I _know_ you aren’t referring to yourself as my mate,” Lily hissed.

Smile tight and cruel, Sirius said, “Hardly.”

She made sure her wand was hidden away out of reach in her robes and gathered up a sponge to set to work. Even if they did want to get out of detention early, she doubted any of them would make a play for grabbing her wand. It was considered the height of rudeness to take another wizard’s wand without permission. That kind of breeding ran too deep for them.

“So, what’d you do to get detention?” James demanded. It was clear he’d been dying to ask since he first saw her in Filch’s office.

Lily rolled her eyes. “I told McGonagall I was out drinking past curfew to save your sorry skins. Did you really think McGonagall just let that go?”

“Well, yeah.”

He was mad. As a personal favorite of McGonagall, James should have known that she didn’t discriminate when doling out detentions. He’d certainly served his fair share. Breaking rules was met with consequences. End of story.

“What about all of you?” Lily asked, figuring detention would run a lot smoother if she and Sirius could play nice and talk like mature adults.

“Funnily enough, we’re all indirectly here because of you,” Remus said enigmatically.

“Or directly,” Sirius muttered. He didn’t seem nearly as cross with her as he had been a few moments before. Learning that Lily had earned herself a detention to protect him must have mellowed him out.

“Me?”

“We took the blame for the singing in class last week,” James said, gesturing between himself and Sirius.

“And I was caught removing your painting of us from the wall,” Remus said. At Lily’s furrowed brow, he clarified, “My method may have involved an explosion.”

Well that was a little awkward. Having reflected a lot that day on the nature of guilt, however, Lily figured she needn’t feel any here. While her actions had created the situations in which they’d gotten in trouble, it was their choices that had cemented it. Remus chose to blow up a wall. James and Sirius chose to incite their class. Compare that to the situation with Peter where it was Lily and Lily alone who had been the cause of harm. They were entirely different.

“How is Peter?” Lily asked.

“Last I saw, terrible,” Sirius laughed.

Lily looked between the three of them in alarm. Remus once more jumped in to explain, “Terrible because he’s been practicing tossing his food in the air and catching it in his mouth, and he’s just rubbish.”

“Can’t even handle the grapes and the man tries to move on to chips? Even Prongs struggles with those!” Sirius said this as if James’ troubles with chips should have meant something to all of them. Judging from James’ grave nod, it did. At least to them.

“Do you remember that time in –”

“Third year, yes –”

“With the frozen chocolate-covered –”

“Cockroaches! And the sun came out –”

“Cleaning up that mess!”

“A disaster!”

All three boys laughed uproariously as they reminisced on some story she wasn’t privy to. They were so in tune, tackling the trophies systematically, while finishing each other’s sentences. There was so much shared history there, a complete ease with one another. Lily couldn’t help but feel jealous.

“You know that would actually make a great prank,” Remus chuckled, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.

“Oy! Don’t mention it in front of my pranking nemesis,” James ordered though he gave her a mischievous smile to let her know he was only teasing.

“Wouldn’t work anyway. Who would be thick enough to accept cockroach clusters from one of us?” Sirius asked.

“Firsties?” Remus suggested.

“Nah, they’ve all been warned off us. Besides, we were never that gullible,” James said.

“Speak for yourself. Don’t you remember Peter –”

“Oh, Merlin, in the Astronomy Tower –”

“Trousers around his ankles –”

“Broomsticks on his pants and holding that pudding –”

“Sinatra’s face was brill!”

“And Wormtail: ‘I thought it was muggle New Years,’” they all chorused together.

Like that they were off again down memory lane. Each story they told always seemed to be missing one crucial piece of information that prevented her from understanding the joke. She tried to knowingly chuckle along with them, but they ricocheted off of one another too fast for her to even pretend to follow.

It turned out that the worst part of detention wasn’t scrubbing trophies but feeling completely left out by her fellow troublemakers. They weren’t doing it on purpose. She’d known them long enough to recognize that. They just forgot that she was there when they were so caught up in one another.

She was accustomed to special attention from James. Whether they were arguing or testing out their new friendship, their every interaction was characterized by their intense focus on each other. Now she questioned if that wasn’t just because they were normally alone together. Maybe he treated everyone that way.

The possibility left her disappointed.

“Lily, are you listening to me?” Remus called, pulling her out of her sullen thoughts.

“Hmmm?”

“I was asking when you want us to sit down and evaluate your pranks. We’re hitting the halfway mark soon, and we shouldn’t leave it to the end or some of us might find it difficult to be impartial,” Remus said.

Sirius grinned, “I’m not remotely ashamed. I’d doctor the numbers to help my Jamie win in a heartbeat.”

Lily thought it through while James and Sirius engaged in a brotherly bonding session that consisted of them listing increasingly extreme things they would do to prove their love to one another. Something told her it was an exaggeration when James said he would snap his own wand and eat nothing but candle wax for the rest of his life.

“Sunday’s probably best,” Lily recommended.

“I plan to still be pissed from the night before,” Sirius whined.

“You shouldn’t be drinking in the first place,” Lily said.

“Are you sure your title’s not actually Head-Hypocrite?” Sirius sing-songed.

“Enough,” James groaned, clapping his sudsy hands over his ears. “I can’t take you two and your bickering.”

Remus let out a sharp peal of laughter. “Sorry, it’s just, who’d have thought we’d see the day where James was telling someone else off for arguing with Lily?”

Smiling at the floor, Lily returned to trying to scrub off a particularly stubborn clump of dirt adhered to the Heads trophy from 1954. Remus’s words made her think about just how far she and James had come. Lily wouldn’t say she had misjudged him for years (she hadn’t), but she had discovered that when she stepped back and let herself get to know him, he was rather decent. There was no reason Sirius should be any different.

She’d have to make an effort to be patient with him. Jumping to defend herself every time he made a biting comment was foolish. It was just Sirius’s way. Beneath that, he was likely a lovely person and definitely a good friend to have. The evidence of that was right in front of her.

The only obstacle was that she was fairly certain Sirius was holding some sort of grudge against her. She’d noticed an extra level of hostility from him since that morning. While it would have been the most understandable reason, she couldn’t shake the sense that it wasn’t stemming from hospitalizing Peter. At least not entirely.

Peace on the mind, Lily was able to remain civil with Sirius for the rest of their detention. Granted, she managed this by remaining mostly quiet and letting them joke around with each other, but she considered it a victory all the same.

Soon enough, detention was over and they were all free to go their separate ways. Or rather, the Marauders were free to run off and spend more time making jokes that Lily wasn’t privy to, and Lily was free to make her way back to Gryffindor Tower. Only, watching as they laughed, the jealousy she’d been feeling all night reared its ugly head and roared.

So it was that without taking a second to think it through, Lily said, “Umm, James, could you spare a minute?”

James looked indiscreetly between her and his friends. Of course he’d rather spend time with his mates than talking to her. She didn’t know why she might have thought differently. She had just witnessed first-hand how effortlessly close they were with each other.

“Sure, Lily,” James agreed finally before turning to his mates and promising to catch up with them later. “What is it?”

An excellent question. The choice to call out to him had been impulsive, driven solely by the desire to talk to him. She wanted to confirm that the connection that she’d felt with him before, the one that made her feel almost special to him, was still there and not just a figment of her vanity. Seeing him in his element had really shaken her.

“I was hoping you could tell me that err, chocolate cockroach story from before. I couldn’t quite follow, and it sounded funny,” Lily finished lamely.

For a moment, James just looked at her. His usual hair-ruffling and compulsive twitching were conspicuously absent. James was the only person she knew that never stood still. His stillness now gave his scrutiny of her more gravity than she would have liked. It was she who now fumbled nervously – tucking strands of her hair behind her ears where it had escaped her bun.

Blessedly, he finally said in a deep voice, “Yeah, it’s a pretty good one. Want to take a walk?”

In wordless agreement, they strolled in the opposite direction of the other Marauders, heading towards the Charms classrooms. Lily was hyper-aware of their proximity, and judging by the looks James sent her hand as it swung loosely at her side, centimeters from his own, he was as well. The moment felt peculiarly charged.

“So it’s third-year, and Pete tells us that some muggles actually eat cockroaches, not chocolate ones but the real thing. So, of course, we don’t believe him,” James began, launching easily into the story. “You don’t eat cockroaches do you?”

Lily couldn’t help but laugh at the look of concerned disgust on James’ face. “No. It’s not a common muggle food.”

“The fact that anyone does is just…” James shuddered. “ _Anyway_ , so Pete swears it’s true. He’s a cousin who’s a muggle, and she said you freeze them and dip them in chocolate. Now, at the same time, Remus and Sirius had this bet going about who could go the longest without getting a detention. Remus won.”

“Shocker,” Lily muttered sarcastically.

“Don’t interrupt. It messes up the flow of the story,” James chided in a self-important tone that let her know he was teasing. “ _Anyway_ , you may be right that Sirius not being able to stay out of trouble isn’t surprising, but what you probably don’t realize is that Remus can be pretty evil himself. He does a pretty good job hiding it, but trust me, he’s downright devious. So being an evil genius and seeing as Sirius lost, Remus dares Sirius to eat a plateful of chocolate-covered cockroaches as punishment, and obviously, Sirius can’t refuse.”

_Obviously_. Boys were so stupid sometimes.

“We had to wait for the summer so we could buy the cockroaches and then we froze them with magic. So it’s July, and we’re outside on my lawn even though it’s sweltering out because my mum never let us play in the house during the summer because she says it’s a waste of a nice day or some rubbish. Plus, she would have gone barking if she found out we were eating cockroaches.”

Lily smiled to herself picturing her mum telling her much the same about getting out of the house when the sun was shining. Mrs. Potter sounded like she had a great deal more sense than her son.

James paused his story-telling so he could race full-speed up the ornery Western staircase to the second floor. The staircase was notorious for resenting the students who tread on it and would often flatten into a steep slide, sending any students caught on it careening down into a heap on the ground. Most people, Lily included, just adapted to walking a few minutes out of their way to avoid it.

People like James viewed it as a challenge.

With a deep, steadying breath, Lily sprinted after him. The staircase didn’t react at all to her presence and remained erect. She felt breathless from having taken the risk more so than from the exertion from the run. The risk and the realization that she never would have taken it in the first place if not for James left her feeling oddly giddy.

As if he hadn’t been interrupted, James continued, “ _Anyway_ , we’ve got warm, melted chocolate, and we just smother them with it. Sirius takes his first bite, and he’s only just stopped whinging about how crunchy and unappetizing it was, when the second one in his hand flies up and slams straight into his eye!”

Lily clapped a hand to her mouth partially in horror but partially also to suppress her laughter. She could just picture Sirius’s refined face twisting up in surprise as he was assaulted by a cockroach.

“Next thing we know, all the cockroaches on the plate start hopping about,” James said. “Turns out that freezing a cockroach doesn’t actually kill it. They just go into like, hibernation or something. Between the heat and the chocolate, they thawed out!”

“Eww!”

“After that it’s just complete bedlam. We’ve got easily two dozen cockroaches hopping around, dripping chocolate. Sirius is cursing up a storm and can’t open his left eye. Peter’s screaming because they’re fucking disgusting. Moony and I are laughing so hard we can’t breathe. With all the noise, my mum comes out to see what the fuss is about, leaving the door to the parlor wide open,” James said, gesturing wildly.

“Oh, no!”

“Oh, _yes_ ,” James nodded. “They scuttle right on into the house and start treading chocolate all over the floors. They fly up onto the furniture – my mum’s a big fan of white, mind you – and they’re staining that as well. I can’t tell you who’s screaming louder, my mum or Peter.”

Lily was completely caught up in the picture he was painting. He was an engaging speaker in general, but she thought his true gift might have been storytelling. There were no extraneous details, but he wasn’t afraid to drag out the story for dramatic effect either. His gesticulating hands only punctuated the urgency of his story.

“How did you catch them all?” Lily asked.

“We didn’t. We put down poison and placed wards on the doors so they couldn’t get through, but for weeks we were finding new tracks of chocolate. As punishment, my mum made me clean it all without magic,” James said solemnly.

If Lily’s actions had resulted in a roach infestation and ruined furniture for the Evans’ home, she’d be in a lot worse trouble than just some screaming. She’d be lucky if her mum ever let her leave her room again after that.

“I cannot believe that happened to you,” Lily chortled.

“Don’t tell my mum, but I wouldn’t take it back. It was probably the funniest thing that happened to me that summer,” James said, chuckling.

“I pity your mother.”

“Many people do,” James agreed, nodding gravely.

Lily glanced away, smile all but tattooed onto her face. There was something swelling in her chest. She thought it might have been gratitude that he’d shared this story with her. That he’d chased away all her feelings of exclusion by telling her something that seemed to belong to the Marauders. It shouldn’t have mattered to her at all. And yet…

They had absent-mindedly made their way toward the Ravenclaw dormitories. Several times in the past, Lily had entered for various parties. She’d noticed that the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were much more inclined to open their common rooms to other Houses for parties. The Gryffindors almost always found alternative locations, like the Black Lake or an abandoned classroom for theirs, while the Slytherins normally hosted private, in-house affairs.

Lily became aware that James was looking at her strangely, eyebrow cocked like he was sizing her up for something. Her prefect instincts told her that look meant nothing but trouble.

“Do you think we’d be clever enough to guess the riddle, guarding the door?” James asked. Lily’s only answer was a wary shrug. “It’s always bothered me that their only security against interlopers is a riddle. It’s like saying no one from the other houses could possibly be smart enough to break in.”

“You’re not suggesting that we break into the Ravenclaw dormitories?” Lily asked in disbelief.

James’ eyes gleamed mischievously. “Why not? You need to finish a few more pranks this week. Let’s just guess the answer and walk in. Imagine all their faces!”

“You’ll just argue it doesn’t count as one of my pranks because you came up with it,” Lily hedged.

With a hand to his heart, James vowed, “Marauders’ honor, you can take full credit.”

Lily conceded for three reasons. The first was that she really was behind on her pranks for the week. The days passed by so quickly and there were hardly enough hours to handle all her responsibilities and then plot out and execute a few pranks let alone ten. Second, James looked so excited at the prospect. She didn’t want to be the person that made him stop grinning like that. Third, given his excitement at the idea, if she said no, he’d probably just return with his mates. Lily wanted this to remain something they shared. Something that belonged to them. The idea that she’d someday hear the Marauders laughingly describe this very prank and know that she could have been a part of it was more upsetting than she cared to admit.

“Alright, let’s do this,” Lily said.

They practically skipped to the door. Having orchestrated a number of pranks now, Lily was no longer nervous at the prospect. Instead, she embraced the giddiness that came along with the anticipation. Having a partner-in-crime for once seemed to multiply the feeling, and she found herself forcing back unwarranted laughter.

The keyhole on the door knocker that separated them from the inside of the Ravenclaw common room yawned open like a mouth and intoned:

_“I’m just two & two, I am warm, I am_  
cold;  
And the parent of numbers that cannot be  
told;  
I am lawful, unlawful, a duty, a fault;  
I’m often sold dear, good for nothing  
when bought;  
An extraordinary boon, and a matter  
of course,  
And I yield no pleasure when taken  
by force.”

Scratching his head, James mouthed the riddle to himself. She recognized the slight scowl of his lips from the rare occasions when he’d struggled to master a charm Flitwick had assigned. In the past, Lily had thought his expression of outrage at not understanding something had been one more sign that James was arrogant. Everyone struggled sometimes, and yet he thought he ought to be the exception. Now, she thought it was kind of cute.

At a loss as to the answer, Lily all the same enthusiastically shouted, “’Nothing!’”

The door remained shut.

“How can nothing be warm or cold?” James demanded.

“Dunno, it just seems like the answer to these things is always ‘nothing,’” Lily shrugged unapologetically.

James snapped his fingers. “That’s brilliant! We know the answer is going to turn out to be some abstract concept. We can just throw those out there until one of them sticks.”

So that’s what they did. With increasing intensity, they lobbed a list of emotions and concepts at the unresponsive door. With each failed answer, Lily grew more irritable.

“It has to be ‘success,’” Lily cried for the fourth time. “Success is only worth something if your earn it. The ‘numbers’ in the riddle must mean money. You can achieve success through crooked means, and it’s no good if you step on others to get it!”

James groaned and banged his head against the wall. “You can keep screaming it’s the right answer all you want, but the door’s not opening. It’s not right!”

“It’s the only answer that makes sense!” Lily snarled in frustration.

“Clearly not,” James retorted.

Remembering who their real enemy was, Lily rounded on the knocker. It looked so innocent, resting there brassy and silent. Lies!

She crouched down so it was at eye-level. “I know the answer is success. You can stay closed all you want, but I know I beat you. Being a sore loser changes nothing. You might as well open up.”

“Easy there, Lily. You’re starting to sound maniacal,” James said with more amusement than the situation called for.

Lily ignored him, instead opting to right herself and kick the door. “Open up you piece of shite! Bloody hunk of wood. I’ll –”

Any of her plans to further berate the inanimate door were ruined when James scooped her up from behind and dragged her a few meters away. Being lifted like she was a rag doll did nothing to improve her mood. So, the second he set her down against the wall, she kicked him in the shin. Evidently even in her anger she still didn’t want to _really_ hurt him because the force of the blow didn’t even make him wince. In fact, he smiled.

“James, I suggest you back away now, or you’re going to find yourself in a great deal of pain,” Lily threatened.

Rudely, James laughed in her face and did the opposite. His hands fell against the wall on either side of her head (well, above her head), caging her in. She realized he was using the wall for support because he was laughing so hard he would topple over otherwise.

“S-s-sorry. I just forget what a little menace you are sometimes. Most of the time you’re prim and proper as my Great Aunt Aurelia, and then BOOM! Do you have a ball of fury just brewing inside you all the time?” James snickered.

“Laugh it up,” Lily said in a tone that implied doing so would be dangerous for his health.

“You’re literally barring your teeth at me right now.” James laughed even harder.

Lily’s mouth closed with an audible snap. She realized that she might be feeling a little bit touchy. The last thing she wanted was to freak out and have to apologize to him again. Perhaps she did have something of a short-temper that she needed to work on.

Without her anger blinding her, Lily became cognizant of just how close they were to one another. If she arched her back even a little, she would be pressing her chest into his.

When he’d come back from the summer after fifth year, having sprouted like a bean pole and knocking his head into low hanging doorways, Lily had noticed. Everyone had noticed. But she’d never really thought about just how _tall_ James was. Their dramatic height difference placed her eyelevel at where his Head-Boy pin should have been pinned to his robes, right on the place where his robes tightened over defined pectorals.

She thought back to the party where they had snogged. After a minor panic the morning after, she’d done her best not to think about it. The fight between James and Sev had been scary in a way that made her want to block the whole incident out, and she’d been foggy from the alcohol anyway.

Now, Lily couldn’t stop herself from remembering how good it had felt. Never had she experienced anything with another person that had felt so thrilling, and while Lily may have been planning to remain a virgin until she found the man she would marry, she wasn’t a complete innocent. Her escapades into pleasure with her past boyfriends had gone a lot further than just snogging. Snogging wasn’t supposed to feel like that. Yet with James it did.

The direction of her thoughts must have been plain on her face because when James opened his eyes and saw her expression, he abruptly stopped laughing. The only sound in the corridor was their oddly loud breathing.

She wished she could pretend it was an unconscious gesture, but when Lily then wet her lips, she did so to see if he would look.

He did.

Lily had very little time to think about things. A man with that look in his eye – the heat, the focus – wasn’t going to wait long. She had to quickly come to terms with the fact that unless she did something then and there, James Potter was going to kiss her.

There would be no alcohol to blame it on this time. No mitigating circumstances. On a Thursday evening, Lily was going to let James Potter kiss her. That would mean something.

And the fear of what that something might be still wasn’t enough to make her pull away.

The accursed door banged open at that moment, and James pulled backwards instead of moving forward like he was supposed to. Like she _wanted_ him to.

Of the hundreds of Ravenclaws at Hogwarts, the two that walked out were the two she’d least want to catch her in a compromising position with James: Rin and Adrian.

Frantically, Lily pawed at her hair as if she’d just been ravished rather than simply shared an intense stare with the body standing calmly in front of her. She felt like what had almost happened was spelled out on her face.

“Alright, Lily?” Rin greeted. “James?”

“Alright,” Lily gasped out.

“Where’re you off to?” James asked, sounding unbelievably normal.

“Last minute library run before curfew,” Adrian answered, smiling widely in Lily’s direction. She could barely return it.

“Any reason you’re lurking outside our dormitory?” Rin asked.

“Are you questioning your Head students? Really, Iwate. Have a little faith,” James said in mock outrage.

If Lily hadn’t known any better, she would have thought he was flirting with Rin. She was certainly smiling back in the way a girl would if she was being chatted up by a bloke she fancied. James couldn’t possibly flirt with a different girl only seconds after he almost kissed Lily though. Unless…

Unless he hadn’t been about to kiss her at all. Sure, she felt confident that he’d looked, but that didn’t mean he would have acted on it. They fought an awful lot and she’d rejected him so many times in the past. He probably wouldn’t want to kiss her. He had Rin now. Beautiful, shiny-haired Rin who could guess the right answer to a riddle and never lost her temper and started kicking blokes.

“We’re just doing some extra patrols to make sure the castle’s safe. These are dark times. We need to be vigilant. You’ll need to take extra care, Rin,” James teased, perfectly unruffled even as Lily felt herself unravelling.

“And I suppose you could keep me safe?” Rin asked.

“I could die trying,” James smirked.

Lily hoped the ground would swallow her whole.

“I’m heading to the library before it closes,” Adrian announced, sounding put off by the blatant flirting happening in front of him. Lily doubted he was a tenth as bothered by it as she was. “Looking forward to seeing you Saturday, Lily.”

She could barely remember what the appropriate response to that would be let alone give it. Though she managed at least enough that no one tried to take her to the Hospital Wing to be checked out. Rin left alongside him.

They hadn’t dived to stop the Ravenclaw dormitory entrance from closing once again, so they were still locked out. Without speaking, Lily and James had both known it would be cheating to do so. The challenge was the riddle, not tricking their way into the dormitory. They could have just asked a friend to let them in otherwise.

“Maybe we should just give up. We’re never going to guess it,” Lily suggested quietly.

She just wanted to head back to her dormitory and sulk. There would be no tears. She saved her crying for debilitating accidents and possibly-homicidal bullies. Rejection wasn’t nearly upsetting enough. Still, she couldn’t see herself laughing it up with James if they managed to get in. Not anymore.

In a voice Lily couldn’t decipher, James said, “I’ve figured it out. The answer’s a ‘kiss.’”

The heaviness in his voice knocked aside all of her self-doubt. She may not have understood what James was thinking, but Lily his tone left no doubt that she hadn’t imagined the almost kiss. He had been seconds away from kissing her. Her and not Rin.

His answer must have been correct because the door silently opened. For a moment, she paused, unsure where they were supposed to go from there. James wasn’t meeting her eye, looking instead at the entrance.

For whatever reason, James seemed set on pretending nothing had happened. And he was right. There was no reason to make a dramatic display out of nothing, she decided. Before her was a door and she could either walk forward or go backwards.

As a Gryffindor, there was only really one choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much in this chapter that was a long time coming.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who reads and everyone who leaves reviews. You're all wonderful, and I'm so grateful. There's a lot of work and time that goes into writing any fanfic and to write one this long, with so many interweaving plot lines, has pushed me in ways I never expected. Everyone's encouragement and thoughts - good or bad - make the tough parts worth it.
> 
> Ignore me, I don't know why I'm being so mushy today. You can expect chapter 22 the Saturday after next!


	22. Oct 14: Of Defense, the Class & the Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for bullying in this chapter – it’s sad but it ends on a silly note because James is a charming fool.

It was a Friday morning, the skies had finally cleared from the storm that had been raging for days, and there were chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. All of these superficial signs indicated that the students of Hogwarts were in for a great day. Despite all of this, all James could do that morning was mournfully eat his breakfast, not even bothering to savor the half-melted chocolate, and reflect on the conclusion he had come to the night before.

James Potter was in trouble.

Trouble wasn’t something he was exactly unfamiliar with. It seemed he’d spent more days on the wrong side of his professors’ ire than not, and he’d had his fair share of dangerous experiences – that time he’d splinched three toes off while illegally apparating, when Sirius had almost been crushed after the secret passage underneath the prefects’ bath collapsed on top of him, every full moon with Moony.

This was a very different type of trouble that James found himself in now.

Stealthy as Filch’s bloody cat, trouble had crept up on him. Trouble in the form of pouty lips and a sharp tongue. He’d been so sure that whatever infantile crush he’d once had on Lily – and it had been infantile – was completely gone. Since fifth year, he’d dated a bevy of girls and become a lot more secure in himself as a man. No matter how impossibly fit she remained, James had thought himself completely immune.

Then yesterday had happened. It was like he’d been in some kind of trance. Kissing Lily was a very, very bad idea, and yet he’d almost done just that. All because he’d noticed how her eyelashes were so long they just skimmed the swell of her cheeks when she closed her eyes. How as she stared at him with something delightfully hungry in her expression she had blushed the sweetest shade of pink. He’d watched that blush disappear right under the collar of her shirt. Last night, he’d lied awake imagining just how far that blush might have spread, just how he could make her skin redden if he really tried.

Countless rejections should have been enough to get through to his stubborn heart, or whatever it was that had always made him go gooey over her, that there was no future there. Nothing was ever going to happen.

Even if she seemed interested lately, this was the same girl who had tried to arrange three dates for her Hogsmeade trip tomorrow. Clearly she was going through some kind of breakdown where she craved male attention. She would probably have snogged Peter had he been there.

It meant nothing to either of them.

It wasn’t like he really fancied Lily so much as found her ridiculously fit. Sure, she was kind of fun and pretty hysterical when she wasn’t berating him. He supposed he liked making her laugh – her nose did the cutest scrunchy thing whenever she did. He’d always admired how much she cared about everything too and thought she embodied a true Gryffindor. Her temper and her unwillingness to back down from a fight were endearing, and the contrast with how soft she could be when she was frightened or upset made something in his stomach ache.

But all of that did not add up to him fancying her!

The only trouble was he was having a terrible time convincing himself of that.

If he’d been hoping to avoid thoughts of Lily that morning, he was in for disappointment. The _Hogwarts Daily Mail_ had released an underground issue ranking the students of Hogwarts by appearance and surprise surprise, who was staring up at him from the front page looking altogether too perfect to be real?

James balled his copy up and tossed it to the side. The action didn’t do him much good as practically every student had their nose buried in their own copy. Even Remus was perusing his with an amused quirk to his lips, and there was a very real danger that Sirius was going to never put his down again.

“Oy, Number Forty-Four, would you pass the bacon?” Sirius called down the table to Ethan North. The boy gave an irritated glare but complied.

Sirius had abandoned use of people’s given names and taken to referring to them by their number on the list. This led to some confusion as the girls and boys were separated leading to two students bearing each ranking. Further, the list had stopped after the fiftieth student so there were dozens of students that Sirius as now referring to as “unranked.” Needless to say, their fellow Gryffindors weren’t happy with the disowned Black.

“Number Three, I suggest you start looking a bit happier or people are going to think you’re pouting over losing out to Number Two,” Sirius said, gesturing to where James had slumped over the table.

 “Like I give a shit about some stupid list,” James snorted.

“The list is not stupid! This ranking is the product of experts toiling for hours to create something innovative and, more importantly, true,” Sirius declared dramatically.

“You just like that you’re number one,” Remus said amused.

“Can I help that I’m beautiful?” Sirius asked happily.

In spite of himself, James felt the corners of his lips twitch at his friend’s antics. On a good day, he would have _loved_ the release of such a list. James thought it was stupid, sure, but he tended to have a lot of fun with stupid things. That their classmates were taking it so seriously, huddled over it and debating their placement in hushed voices, only created more opportunities for him to have fun with it.

And no, he did not mind that he was third behind Faraj Shafiq no matter what Sirius implied. As long as he was in the top five, he wasn’t going to worry about it. Anything lower than that, and yeah, _maybe_ his vanity would have been bruised a tad, but third was respectable. Third he could work with.

Fuck, he was taking everything too seriously. He didn’t want to mope about all morning just because he had the world’s most frustrating bird on his mind. Maybe he’d spend first period writing out a list of Lily’s faults instead of taking notes or something. Either way, he needed to appreciate his mates and that the world had presented them with a fantastic list with which he could take the mickey out of countless students and get over it.

Determined, he gave Sirius his brightest grin, “You’d look a sight better if you didn’t have toast stuck in your teeth, mate.”

Sirius howled with laughter and shoved a large gob of eggs in his mouth. “What about now?” he asked around the half-masticated food.

James did the same, forcing an unbelievable amount of oatmeal in his mouth and then taking a swig of pumpkin juice as well. “You’re so beautiful! I can see why you’re number one.”

He’d overestimated the amount of mushy food he could keep in his mouth at one time and it went flying, splattering Remus and Sirius alike. Remus shot him a dirty look as he swiped at the mess, but James knew he was secretly amused. When Remus was really bothered, he would start rubbing his temples like they were head-ache inducing.

Loud splutters of outrage from down the table drew their attention. James felt a rush of anticipation and Sirius practically quivered at the noise of female distress. It had been inevitable that some girl would lose her mind when she spotted her ranking on the list. The drama it promised was the perfect opportunity to reduce the table into mayhem and was the kind of thing they lived for.

It quickly became evident that this situation was a little different than what he’d imagined. Looking down the table, James spotted Marlene – red in the face and jabbing her finger accusingly at her copy of the paper. Lily’s eyes blinked up at him, but it was only her photo, as she was mysteriously absent. It surprised him because he’d assumed she was the type to harp on about breakfast being the most important meal of the day. He hated himself for noticing her absence before anything else.

“Unbelievable! Were they hexed with blindness before putting this list together? I’ve never been so offended in my life!” Marlene gasped indignantly.

In a tone that was not nearly as mocking as it should have been, Sirius called out, “I agree, McKinnon. You should have been three spots higher at least. Probably five.”

“Higher? Higher!” she practically screamed the words. A disgruntled second year shot her a nasty look before shifting further down the table to escape the line of fire. Marlene turned to her friends, “Does he have a different issue than me? Is that it? Tell me, Sirius, do you have _eyes_?”

Sirius sent him a panicked glance, begging for help. Never before had Marlene so much as raised her voice at Sirius, and that included the time in first year when he dropped a spider in her milk and she unknowingly drank it. Now, she was snarling at him for paying her a compliment.

“What number was she?” James muttered out of the corner of his mouth to Remus.

Moony, who was doing a bang up job pretending not to notice the madness building around them, answered back just as covertly, “Eighteen after Clarissa Shacklebolt.”

“Hmm, sounds about right,” James shrugged after considering for a moment.

Unfortunately, his opinion was overheard by Marlene who rounded on him instantly. “Right? What about any of this sounds right to you, Potter?”

He wondered if she’d been taking lessons from Lily on how to infuse his surname with deadly venom.

“I’m confused,” Remus said, smoothly intercepting Marlene’s attention. “You’re upset that you’re ranked too high?”

“Yes!” When everyone continued to stare at her in bemusement, Marlene huffily explained, “ _This_ is not a top twenty face.” She made frantic circular motions in front of her face. “ _This_ is a top twenty face.”

Marlene’s ire appeared to be on behalf of Mary, who blandly ate her toast, seeming altogether as if her ranking meant nothing to her.

“What was she ranked?” Sirius asked curiously, moving to rifle through his paper for answers.

He needn’t have bothered because Marlene was more than happy to provide it. “Twenty-eighth! Have you ever heard of such a thing? I mean, look at how full her lips are, and her hair is so shiny and perfect. She’s a grown up Goldilocks, and they put hags like me in front of her!”

Now Mary was flustered, raising a hand to her hair as if she could feel how lovely it was by touching it. James supposed he could understand why she might feel embarrassed by Marlene’s speech. Personally, he’d never struggled much (or at all) with insecurity, but Peter would have been mortified if they did the same to him. Then again, they’d have been taking the mickey, while Marlene appeared perfectly serious.

“It’s not like Mary gives a rat’s ass.” Everyone looked startled at Alice’s booming voice as she settled down at the table.

Mary regained her bearings fast, “Of course not. Beauty is subjective, and there’s no need to rigidly conform to standards set by others.”

“Well…it’s still just…wrong,” Marlene stuttered, casting nervous looks at Alice. James couldn’t tell if she was thrown because Alice was talking to them again or just afraid to discuss a top fifty list, on which Alice was not included, in front of her.

The conversation devolved at this point as Shelia began to query Alice about the Slytherin party and whether she was planning on attending. Everyone seemed relieved to be off the subject, except for Sirius who persisted in engaging Marlene on the matter.

“Do you really believe all that, Marlene?” Sirius asked.

“Well, yeah.”

Sirius’s expression twisted into one of determination and he stood up abruptly. “Come on. Part three of our interview starts now.”

Marlene was startled but agreed to follow him out of the Great Hall all the same. Everyone watched them go curiously. No one more intensely than Mary.

“Isn’t that something? He’s off chasing tail when we’re supposed to be visiting Peter,” Remus scoffed.

“Well, he is a dog,” James said, shoving one final bite of oatmeal into his mouth. “Come on then.”

On the way to the Hospital Wing, the boys debated whether they should show Peter the paper.

“We’re all on it except for him. His spine’s already broken. Let’s not crush his pride too,” Remus argued.

James waved his words aside, “Are you kidding? Pete loves this kind of stuff. Besides, it has pictorials of the fittest girls in the school. You think he doesn’t want that to keep him company while he’s in bed all day?”

Remus glanced skeptically at the paper, which was open to a picture of a winking Sienna Dorney (number four). She and a few other girls had agreed to pose for a photospread. Blokes had been asked too and there was a truly sickening photo of Sirius artfully glowering on page fourteen.

For the students who hadn’t been approached, James included, they had rooted up some old photos. All of his photos were from the same Quidditch match last year, and his hair looked particularly well-ruffled in them. It made him sigh longingly for his old mass of untameable hair.

Similarly, the only picture of Lily was one that appeared to have taken her by surprise. In it, she gave a startled, little jump at the flash before giggling adorably. He’d spent an embarrassingly long time sneaking glances at it that morning. She was wearing that fuzzy green sweater he’d always wanted to bury his head in because it looked so soft, and the light cast from the fireplace illuminated her peachy skin beautifully.

“So, I can’t help but notice a certain lovely Gryffindor came in at number fifteen,” James said mockingly, referring to Dahlia. “Pretty girl you got there, Moony.”

“Wherever you’re going with this, you better stop, you arsehole,” Remus said warningly.

“What? Can’t a mate comment on his friend’s beautiful girlfriend? The same girl he used to date?” James asked innocently.

“No.”

Truthfully, James didn’t even have anything leading or offensive to say. He just liked to rile Remus up about Dahlia. Remus was downright protective about the girl.

“I’m just saying, I don’t understand how a sorry sod like you, landed a fit – ow!” James yowled.

Remus had him in a headlock, laughingly dragging him down the hall. With all his might, James strained against his hold but couldn’t break free. James may have been bulkier, but Remus was taller and James swore being a werewolf must have given him extra strength even when he was in human form. It was the only explanation for how someone so wiry could pack such a mean punch.

Unable to break free, James threw one of his arms around Remus’s neck instead, so that they were both hanging onto each other. They kicked ineffectually, trying to make the other break and only succeeded in tripping right through the Hospital Wing entrance. They fell in a gangly mess of limbs, but Remus somehow managed to stay partially standing, while James was left sprawling.

He was still lying prone on the ground, gasping with laughter, when someone demanded, “What the hell are you doing? This is a Hospital!”

There was Lily, sitting at Peter’s bedside and looking more baffled than angry. He rolled his eyes, annoyed that her willingness to concede to Peter’s wishes had lasted all of one day. From the bottom of his heart, he understood why she was so desperate to see Peter. Still, the right thing to do would be to back off until Peter was comfortable.

It hardly mattered that James didn’t understand why Peter wanted his privacy in the first place. Sure, it was pretty embarrassing when he had to go to the bathroom and Pomfrey had to help or when his eyes would tear up at an unexpected shot of agony up his back, but he’d been fine with letting other birds visit. Just yesterday, Shelia had stopped in with a plate of biscuits, and he’d happily chatted with her for half an hour, never pausing to worry that something embarrassing could happen. His issue appeared to be solely with Lily.

They seemed fine together now though. Peter was gazing up at Lily adoringly, as if she’d brought him the secret cure to all of his troubles, and Lily looked pleasant enough considering she was glaring at him and Remus for causing a disturbance. James chalked up Peter’s hesitations from before to the massive pain potions Pomfrey had him drinking every three hours. He’d probably been too loopy to even realize what he was asking. If he had a chance, James would have to remember to nick one to try with Sirius later. They seemed like they’d be a fun ride.

“How are you feeling, Pete?” Remus asked.

“Alright, I suppose. Lily was just telling me all about how you broke into the Ravenclaw common room last night. It sounds like it was super fun,” Peter said eagerly.

Remus raised an eyebrow at him, which James refused to acknowledge. Remus was far too knowing about these things.

“Lookie at what we brought you!” James sang instead, brandishing the paper towards him. Peter’s eyebrows disappeared underneath his shaggy blonde bangs when James told him about the issue’s contents.

“Wicked,” Peter breathed, making grabby hands for it.

Remus addressed Lily, “Congratulations for making number –”

With a look of disgust, Lily held up a hand to stop him. “Please don’t tell me. I want no part in that filth.”

Peter looked abashed and stopped his eager rifling through the paper.

“Err…sorry,” Remus offered.

Lily sighed. “Don’t be. I just know nothing good can come of this, and I’m hoping that if I just ignore it, the worst will miss me.”

Sensible. That was going to be the first thing he wrote on his list of why Lily just wasn’t the girl for him.

Peter tapped insistently on Lily’s arm. James had noticed that he was gesticulating a lot more now that his range of motion was prohibited, like he was trying to make up for it with superfluous hand gestures.

“Finish your story,” Peter pleaded. “You’re a good storyteller.”

Lily flushed slightly but conceded, launching into the tale of last night’s adventure. It had turned out that Ravenclaws were fairly difficult to ruffle. They’d just stared and whispered to their friends as he and Lily had strolled casually into their Common Room, acting all the world as if they belonged there. In comparison, James was willing to bet there’d have been a whole lot of shouted questions in Gryffindor Tower had a Ravenclaw broken in.

To up the fun, James had announced that the Head students were there to perform room checks for contraband items. His reason for doing so was mostly to get some space from Lily as they’d then split up the boys and girls dormitories between them. The Ravenclaws had lost their composure at this point, shrieking accusations and trying to race to their rooms to hide all sorts of forbidden items.

The loot had been great. He’d finished his inspection wealthier by twelve confiscated dung bombs and four bottles of fire whiskey. Vivan Chaudhri had been so desperate to keep his contraband – a fucking border collie he’d found in Hogsmeade and somehow smuggled past Filch – that he bribed James with four galleons and a promise to owe James a favor in the future.

The bribe had been much appreciated as he was desperately low on funds for the first time in his life. James’ mum had not been impressed that he had wasted forty galleons bidding essentially on a date with himself at the auction and had cut off his allowance until November. Normally that wouldn’t have been a problem, except he’d gone a little mad in _Boggleby's Quidditch Shop_ before the start of term and Sirius had been spending his money like the coins would disappear if he didn’t. Needless to say, he’d taken what he could get.

“I think James got a little carried away with all that power,” Lily said playfully.

They all laughed, but James couldn’t. His face tightened, and he worked his jaw instead in an expression of clear annoyance. He didn’t want to be laughing it up, reminiscing, with Lily. For his own sanity, he needed to stay far away from her.

It took him all of a second to decide that his newfound friendship with Lily needed to end or at least be suspended for a bit. There was no way he was going to quash the annoying feelings buzzing around in his gut if he kept spending time with her. The wanting would just grow stronger until it consumed him.

James wasn’t good at wanting things. When he desired something, he was normally adept at acquiring it. He was rich enough to obtain most of it and clever and diligent enough to secure the rest. When he found something he couldn’t figure out how to obtain, it left him frustrated and confused. He’d been down this road before. He knew wanting Lily was the very worst kind of all.

So instead of laughing along, James glowered, hoping she’d take the hint and leave so that he could focus on his mates. His real mates. Not girls he’d only recently started having civil conversations with.

“This has been fun and all, but Pete needs to do his exercises, so can you, ya know? Leave?” James said coldly.

“She can stay!” Peter protested. “I’ll just do them later.”

“She already broke your back. Least she can do is not fuck up your recovery,” James snapped.

Lily looked surprised for a moment before her expression shuttered. Now it was James’ turn to feel a jolt of surprise. He’d forgotten what that mask of polite apathy looked like – the one Lily always wore around people she didn’t feel comfortable with. For years, it had been the only expression she ever directed at him. Well, besides incandescent rage. So quickly he’d become accustomed to a brighter, more vulnerable Lily. Even though it made his chest pinch, James told himself that the change was a good thing as a distant Lily was a lot less magnetic.

“I’ll come visit tomorrow, Peter,” Lily promised, gathering her things.

Peter looked put out, casting a questioning look at James, but just told her he was looking forward to it. James stubbornly refused to watch as she hurried from the room.

“Something you’d care to share?” Remus asked knowingly, once she was gone.

“I know what this is,” Peter said, voice tight. “Prongs is jealous of me and Lily.”

James snorted and smiled in spite of himself. Leave it to Peter to always know the right thing to say. Being jealous of Lily and Peter would be like feeling jealousy over Lily and Dumbledore. In fact, there was probably a greater chance of Lily going for Dumbledore because at least he was a man of authority and girls went for that kind of thing.

“Good one, Pete. No, I’ve just seen way too fucking much of Lily Evans lately. I need a break from all the nagging,” James said.

“I think she’s nice,” Peter said loudly, but James ignored him.

“You know, I wasn’t joking about your exercises,” James said.

Pomfrey had given him a strict set of “exercises” that he needed to accomplish each day. She’d agreed that the other Marauders could be the ones to help him out as he was likely to feel less embarrassed as he struggled to manage simple movements with his friends than he would with a relative stranger.

With a great deal of moaning, Peter allowed them to shift him up into a kneeling position. Just to be difficult, Peter made himself as limp and hard to maneuver as possible. They’d been terrified to shift him about the first time they helped him, but Pomfrey had reassured them that the potions she fed him would allow them to maneuver his body about without upsetting his healing.

Once he was on his knees on the mattress, James and Remus held him steady on other side, and that was it. James was still a little skeptical about the positive effects that could be had from kneeling of all things, and, after several minutes of watching nothing but Peter painting in that position, reminded them of it.

“Pomfrey said it puts weight on his spine and will help make it stronger,” Remus lectured.

“Well, it feels like Peter’s doing nothing but sitting on his arse…err, knees,” James griped.

“Bugger off,” Peter said on a heavy exhale.

Even though it didn’t look like any exercise James had ever heard of, Peter was certainly sweating like he’d had the workout of his life. His face resembled a swollen apple, and his eyes were screwed up in concentration.

“Just don’t see how it’s supposed to help,” James muttered defensively.

“You’re right,” Peter said, surprising him. “We should stop. This clearly isn’t helping.”

“You have another three minutes. This is important if you want to get all your function back. Besides, Madame Pomfrey said this would reduce the risk of your muscles atrophying,” Remus said sternly, shooting James a glare for good measure.

“What do I care?” Peter moaned, yanking his arms about in a way that made it very hard to keep him steady. “Let them atrophy! I don’t care if I shrivel. I’ll just live in bed forever.”

“Oh, come off it,” James scoffed.

Merlin’s tit, Peter had to kneel for six minutes twice a day, and you’d think he was being tortured. He’d always been the laziest of the four of them. While James could hardly sit still, Peter needed to be talked into getting up to some mischief, preferring to stay in their dormitory. James didn’t doubt that Peter was going to make his recovery a nightmare for all of them.

Peter did make his prescribed time but he made sure they knew he wasn’t happy about it. Trying to talk to him afterwards proved pointless as well as Peter insisted he needed a nap. James was beginning to suspect that Peter was living his dream life, lying bed-ridden.

“You know, I’d have a lot more sympathy if this wasn’t your own fault,” James said. “You _chose_ to be a creep and spy on me. You _chose_ to take a run at Lily.”

“I know,” Peter said glumly.

James had already made perfectly clear how he fault about Peter’s lurking in classrooms and eavesdropping on his conversations. The fact that Peter had been severely injured in doing so had earned him a pass for the most part from any anger James might have normally felt. James didn’t think he could handle hearing Peter sniffle out an apology right now.

Last night, Peter had told James all about how he’d come to be in the classroom in animagus form and the thought process that encouraged him to stampede a clearly frightened girl. The whole situation was bizarre and left James confused. Apparently, Peter had been studying the Marauders’ Map for some untold reason and noticed when Lily had entered the classroom. Fine, whatever.

Then, he’d noticed the dot that signaled Slughorn leave the room and the castle altogether, leaving Lily and James alone. Peter had shared this information with Sirius, and the two had agreed that Peter should go and spy on them, which was probably the part of the story that James was struggling with the most because as best as he could discern, this spying was not intended to end in a prank, which would have been a perfectly acceptable explanation. They’d just wanted to know what he and Lily were talking about, which was fucking weird because they never talked about anything that either Peter or Sirius should find particularly interesting.

James didn’t understand why Peter was there in the slightest. He did, however, kind of follow his motives for rushing at Lily. More than most, James could appreciate how difficult it was to pass up an opportunity for mayhem, and Lily had made a fantastic target of herself.

And he wasn’t angry with Peter about it. Nope not a lick.

Just because Lily had been legitimately terrified, and he would have gladly fought a horde of dragons just to never see her look so upset again, did not mean that Peter should have given up a perfectly good pranking opportunity. Even if it did make him something of a scoundrel…okay, he was a little pissed with Peter. Evans was a Gryffindor. They weren’t supposed to terrorize the girls. There was nothing clever or funny about reducing Lily to tears.

The fear he’d felt the other night though at the prospect that Peter might be permanently injured, popped the balloon of his anger completely. He couldn’t be angry with Peter. And it wasn’t his business feeling defensive of Lily anyway.

“Well, he was cheerful,” James said sarcastically as he and Remus walked away from Peter’s prone form. He didn’t care if Peter could hear him.

“It’s to be expected,” Remus said shortly. “I want to check in with Pomfrey before we go.”

James rather got the impression that Remus was annoyed with him, though he couldn’t sort out why. It was Peter who had the bad attitude.

They found Pomfrey in her office, reading from a massive, dusty book and sipping on a tumbler of bourbon. The witch stiffened when she saw them and tried to hide the evidence, but they all knew it was too late. James raised an eyebrow in delight, and Pomfrey sighed, setting the drink back on the table.

“You caught me. I’m human,” she said.

“You know, I always expected as much. It was Remus who always insisted you were an imp, but I always said you were just an inch too tall,” James teased.

Poppy could sigh in exasperation all she wanted. James knew she was secretly amused. She’d always had a soft spot for them.

“I’m worried about Peter. Do you think we should scale back his exercises? He looked like he was in a lot of pain just now? Could you give him a bigger dose of pain-relief potion? Would that in any way impede his other treatments?” Remus threw his barrage of questions out without pause.

Watching Remus discuss anything medical always left James impressed. A lifetime of Hospital Wing visits had given him a knowledge of just what questions to ask. Meanwhile, James hadn’t even considered that Peter’s bad mood might have been caused by pain from his exercises. It hadn’t occurred to him that kneeling could hurt.

Pomfrey shook her head regretfully. “Any more potions in that boy’s system, and he’ll fall into a stupor. No, he just needs to work through it. You understand _that_ , Mr. Lupin.”

“He just really didn’t want to do them,” Remus said.

“Mr. Pettigrew has been abnormally…resistant to his exercises, yes,” Pomfrey agreed. “If you want to help, you boys could do a lot by keeping him company and lifting his spirits. In many ways, that’s our biggest battle.”

Resolved, Remus nodded with an intensity that surprised James.

As they were leaving, Remus closed his eyes and said, “You know, Prongs, it wouldn’t kill you to think about someone other than yourself for ten minutes.”

His words brought James up short. He had no idea how to respond to that. Last he checked, he was an incredible friend. Everywhere he looked, he saw students that took their mates for granted. People who were selfish with what they had, who pettily competed against their own friends out of jealousy. James, by comparison, had spent hours in the library in his fourth and fifth year learning how to be an animagus so that Remus wouldn’t have to suffer alone. He’d opened his home to Sirius without a second thought. He never hesitated to share with Peter, include him so that he felt a little more confident. As far as mates went, James was pretty certain he was heading for the hall of fame.

“I’m worried about, Pete, too. No need to take it out on me,” James said.

Remus rubbed at his temples, opening and closing his mouth a few times before settling on, “You’re right, mate. I’m sorry. Just be kind to Peter, okay?”

James didn’t argue that he was _always_ kind to Peter. He figured that Remus was struggling watching Peter in pain because it hit too close to home. James had suffered his fair share of scrapes over the years, but they were always quickly patched up. The helplessness and loss of control that came with chronic pain was something Remus understood that James hoped he never would.

As they rounded a corner, they saw a cluster of tiny first years, forming a circle around a dangling body. Over their tiny heads, James could just make out the leg and torso of another student trapped upside down in a Levicorpus. The students were hooting and jeering at their victim, looking every bit like a pack of feral animals that had been stuffed into civilized clothing against their will. The sight made James smile with nostalgia.

“Ah, so nice to see the young ones embracing the classics,” he said merrily to Remus.

“You’ve certainly been influential,” Remus said mildly.

Remus was always hit or miss when it came to things he considered bullying. He never tried to stop them, never chastised him for it, but James could sense his judgment all the same.

“I don’t actually know who started using Levicorpus,” James said thoughtfully, trying to think back to when the spell had proliferated throughout Hogwarts, becoming popular seemingly overnight. “But you’re right. I probably deserve the credit for it becoming such a hit. I recognize a good thing when I see it.”

He spotted that the students hooting and hollering bore Gryffindor pins, and his heart swelled with pride even more. So lovely to see the younger generation enjoying Hogwarts in much the same way he had. That was the joy of Hogwarts, it provided the best years for so many different people.

One of the kids spotted James watching and gestured enthusiastically to his horde of friends. James preened a little at their excitement as he could hear them chattering his name amongst themselves like he was their icon or something. His lips tipped upward in a smirk of clear approval.

All of that disappeared when he got a better look at what was happening and realized the flailing, panicking first-year they had strung up by magic was none other than his own little acolyte: Bernie Bourgeois. His tiny face, with the weak chin and the watery eyes, was tomato red from having all the blood rush to it as he hung upside down, and he looked truly and terribly upset. The kid who took every other word out of James’s mouth as a challenge and was always reeling for a fight, didn’t look confident now. There was no panic, no flickering eyes as he tried to figure out how to escape his tormenters. In his face, James saw nothing but desolate acceptance.

Suddenly, it didn’t look like fun at all.

“Oy! What the fuck are you doing to Bernie?” he bellowed, marching straight toward the group of students.

For a group of kids in the middle of torturing a fellow student, they sure were some prudes. One kid actually covered his mouth with his hands in scandalized shock at having the Head Boy curse at him. Honestly.

“Put him down, now,” James said menacingly, looming over the boy he had pegged as their leader from the way the other kids angled towards him, addressing their jokes to him for approval. Wide-eyed and confused, the kid – Martin Brexel if James remembered correctly – did as he was told, letting Bernie drop awkwardly to the floor.

“Do you know him?” Remus asked, appearing at his side.

“Do I know him?” James scoffed like the question was ridiculous even though in reality it was a pretty fair thing to ask. He had never filled his friends in on his arrangement with Bernie, not out of any desire for secrecy but just because it hadn’t come up. “Of course. This is Bernie!”

 Since he first spotted Bernie watching him in the stands two weeks ago, he’d become a daily fixture in James’ life. James could probably fill hours listing every one of Bernie’s faults: he was spoiled, lazy, mean-tempered, disrespectful. The list went on. He was also a complete laugh.

James had grown to really enjoy their daily routine. As he ran laps and moved through his sets, there was little Bernie Bourgeois, giving him a hard time about his form and making cracks about his manhood. James worked out all the harder for having a runty eleven-year-old question his athleticism.

Even better, he took real pride in watching Bernie begin to improve. Their routine may still have been relatively new, but Bernie was getting visibly stronger, completing three real pushups now in addition to his set of modified ones, keeping pace with James on his first lap. Feeling like he was helping, lending some much needed expertise to this kid every morning, helped him start his day on a positive note.

“You alright, mate?’ James asked, offering Bernie a hand to help him off the ground. Bernie didn’t answer, staring meekly downwards. It made James want to punch a wall. When they were working out, Bernie would smack James’ hand away and insult him whenever James tried to offer a hand. That was the bluster he wanted to see.

“You’re friends?” The unthinkingly blurted question came from the leader who looked like he was reevaluating everything he understood about the world based on this revelation.

“Yeah, we’re mates,” James said coolly. “See, Bernie’s cool, unlike most of you manky twerps, which makes me wonder why you’d be messing with him in the first place? My best guess is you know that you’re insignificant dragon dung, so you try to bring down a kid like Bernie to make yourselves feel powerful, to feel cool. And let me assure you, no one is fooled. We can all see you for what you really are: p _athetic_.”

He might have spit a little bit towards the end there, so vehement was his speech.

_Oh, Circe no_ , James thought when to his horror one of the brats began to sniffle. His friends didn’t take long to follow and soon he was facing off against three crying first-years and two that (thankfully) remained stubbornly dry-eyed. Maybe that had been a tiny bit harsh to level against a group of eleven-year-olds, but they were old enough to torture Bernie! Was it really such a stretch to assume they could handle a little bit of yelling?

“Please! Please don’t do that. Could you maybe…ah! Just...just why were you doing it in the first place?” James said, panicking. One of his hands hovered in the air as he considered patting one of the tearful children but thought better of it.

Sullenly, the leader answered back, “He’s just a Slytherin.”

James would be the first to admit he was an idiot as he realized that he’d never even considered the possibility that the little first-year looking to him for help might have been a Slytherin. They’d never discussed his house before. In fact, James had never asked Bernie many questions at all. James did most of the talking and the rest of their time was spent out of breath.

He wanted to hex himself as he realized that the first day they ever met he’d told Bernie that Slytherins deserved to be afraid of him. James believed it too, but Bernie was…he was just different. The Sorting Hat must have malfunctioned that year or something because Bernie was too good a kid to belong in that house.

Frustrated on several levels and confused in a way he didn’t want to admit, James decided to end the entire debacle. “Twenty points from Gryffindor for using magic in the corridors and bullying. Don’t let me catch you near Bernie again.”

They scrambled off and James was struck by just how small they all were.

“S’fine,” Bernie told him stiffly, not even waiting for James to question how he was feeling.

“It’s not fine,” James insisted. “Stuff like that’s never fine.”

“You’re Martin Brexel’s hero. He says you used to dangle Slytherins upside down over a cauldron of acid and almost drowned one in the Great Lake,” Bernie told him morosely. “And Mulciber warned all of us to stay away from you on the first day of term because he didn’t want us to get hurt.”

James grimaced. He knew exactly what two events Bernie was referencing, but they honestly hadn’t been that bad! He’d dangled Snape over a cauldron one time and it most certainly hadn’t been acid and he hadn’t even dropped the greasy git in it, so that was a completely unfair accusation. He’d also never fucking drowned a kid. Honestly! There’d been a little play-dunking of ---- in fourth year that had ended with --- lying in the grass blue-faced and scared. Not his kindest moment, sure, but he’d only done it because --- had been going on and on about how dirty his hands were because he’d accidentally touched Marlene. The git had claimed he needed a bath, and James had just been generous enough to help him out. Did that make him the bad guy?

Evidently yes if the older Slytherins actually sat down the first-years and warned them about him in advance. It was becoming increasingly difficult to hide how uncomfortable he felt, stomach churning painfully, at that revelation.

“Listen, kid,” James said with a sigh, bending down so he was at eye-level with Bernie. “Martin Brexel’s a little shit, and you can tell everyone I said that. You don’t deserve that from anyone, so if someone’s giving you a hard time, just let me know. I promise I’ll take care of it.”

Obviously reluctant, Bernie nodded his head in understanding. James would have liked to have more time to talk about it as he had some questions: Who had been picking on him? How long had this been going on? Had he tried to fight back?

They had class though and skipping was a sure-fire way to lose his bet with Lily, so he and Remus left after a final assurance from Bernie that he’d be alright. The entire walk to class he could feel Remus’s stare burning into his neck as he doubtless had plenty of questions of his own about James’ behavior.

They cut it a little close getting to DADA, but Sirius showed up with even less time, breezing into the classroom with Marlene in tow only seconds before Ames closed the door to signal the start of the lesson. He was looking particularly smug, and James couldn’t help but study Marlene suspiciously. Sirius didn’t offer to explain where they’d been off to or what had him in such a pleasant mood though, so James didn’t ask.

Instead, he started on his _Reasons Lily Evans Is a BAD Idea_ list, pretending to take notes as Ames lectured. James subtly shifted his shoulder so that it would block Sirius’s line of vision because the last thing he needed was Sirius getting a look at him writing lists to himself like a fucking girl or something. He’d never hear the end of it, and Sirius was already having far too good a morning what with beating James out on the fitness rankings and everything.

Lily would probably have been extremely offended to realize just how eagerly he took to listing all her faults as he scribbled enthusiastically on the page.

  1. _Sensible_
  2. _Short-temper with an ability to hold a grudge_
  3. _So/So friend_
  4. _Self-righteous_
  5. _Kind of tarty lately with the three dates thing_
  6. _DOESN’T FANCY YOU_
  7. _Makes you feel like an idiot sometimes_
  8. _A distraction_
  9. _Swot_
  10. _No fun_



He frowned at the final list. Some of his observations were spot on. Lily had an extremely short-temper, which would be fine, except she seemed perfectly able to stay angry for weeks at a time. James knew that despite his overall wonderful personality, he also had the unerring ability to drive people up the wall. It was only a matter of time before Lily lost it on him and remained furious for weeks. It was no good. She also really was the most judgmental, self-righteous person he’d ever met, except, to be fair, maybe Sirius, but Sirius thought the sun shone out of James’ arse, so he didn’t have a problem there. Lily made him question himself and his actions, and he’d found that was an incredibly unpleasant way to live. Better to just trust that you were doing the right thing and ride with it.

The trouble came in the second half of the list because he found that he wasn’t really sure he believed what he was writing. Could he honestly say that Lily wasn’t fun after last night? So far, she’d surpassed his every expectation for their bet by delivering on innovative after innovative prank. She could be every bit as devious as him when the need arose, and he didn’t really think she was a slag or anything. He didn’t like that she was going on multiple dates to Hogsmeade, but he humiliatingly suspected that might have more to do with the fact that he wasn’t one of them than any real judgment of her plan.

In short, he didn’t think the whole list idea had worked as well as he’d hoped. Frustrated, he cast a quick vanishing charm on the parchment so that the evidence would disappear. No one would ever have to know what a pathetic ponce he was turning into.

Writing the list had only taken the first fifteen minutes of class, which left James in the terrible position of having to figure out how to entertain himself for the rest. Technically, he should have been taking notes to try to win the bet, but as Ames didn’t assign any exams or homework by which he could prove his studiousness, he figured it wasn’t worth the trouble. This led him to how he normally spent classes, which was daydreaming about Quidditch (not a pleasant idea considering his worries about the team) and fantasizing about Lily (not an option for obvious reasons).

He wasn’t sure when Lily had become his go-to fantasy. She’d certainly taken over the majority of his pervier thoughts by the time he was fourteen and had never really let go of him since. Last year, he’d gotten so much better about it though. Occasionally, he was even able to focus his amorous thoughts on the girls he was seeing instead of Lily. Except, he wasn’t seeing anyone right now, and Lily was sitting only a few rows in front of him, and she’d worn her hair down today, which was a personal favorite of his.

There were other girls in the world, in the school. He just had to remind himself of this. Determined, he turned his attention to Shelia, sitting a few seats over from Lily. Now, she was gorgeous too. The _Hogwarts Daily Mail_ had ranked her number three and any bloke would be mad to not recognize that Shelia Marks kind of had it all.

Thinking about snogging Shelia was kind of weird. It took a lot of concentration to get into it because there was something about the whole idea that just seemed unnatural. Snogging any of Lily’s friends would seem abnormal to him. All in all, it wasn’t one of his most pleasant class time fantasies.

“What the fuck is that face?” Sirius whispered.

James realized that he’d been gazing with a look of concentration and slight bemusement towards the girls, mouth open and eyebrows lowered in concentration. He decided it was probably best not to tell Sirius that he was trying to force himself to be attracted to Shelia Marks. It would raise questions like why and how the hell had he not been before.

“Could ask you the same thing,” James shot back. “You were looking pretty pleased with yourself when you came in, Black.”

Sirius shrugged, “Just had a good chat with Marlene. Nothing to say really.”

“Sure. Are you going to tell me how you’re just mates next?” James asked.

Rather than answer, Sirius pretended to start taking notes, which had to be the least believable evasion James had ever witnessed. James wasn’t sure how he felt about whatever was budding between Marlene and Sirius. To be frank, he didn’t really understand the appeal of Marlene. She was cute, and she was nice enough, but the same could be said about plenty of girls and Sirius never gave them more than a few hours’ worth of attention.

A little traitorously, he also worried that nothing good could come of fooling around with Marlene. He knew that despite what most people thought, Sirius didn’t mistreat the girls he spent time with. The girls knew what they were getting into with him and a good time was had by all.

Marlene came with a whole lot of baggage in the form of four protective roommates and a twinkle in her eye that was far too innocent. She just wasn’t Sirius’s type.

“Just be careful, please,” James whispered.

Sirius dropped his quill and scowled. “Can you not? I’m aware that no one thinks I’m good enough for her. Message received. I don’t need it from you too.”

“Don’t be a twat,” James said, punching Sirius in the arm. “You’re good enough for anyone. Too good frankly. I’m just saying use your brain please or we’re going to have war with the girls, and I don’t want to have war with the girls. Did you hear about what Alice did to Jerome? They’re scary.”

Sirius nodded gravely, probably picturing just how mangled they’d be once Alice was done with them. The defensive tilt of his shoulders from when he thought James was doubting him disappeared, and he leaned lazily back in his seat.

“I’m taking her to Hogsmeade,” Sirius said quietly, a satisfied smile spreading across his face.

James liked to pretend that the noise that came out of his mouth next was a manly rumble of surprise, but it was really more of a squawk of indignation as he jolted right out of his chair. Of all the nerve! They had agreed to not take dates because Peter couldn’t. They were supposed to be going _together_. That he’d just been jilted by Sirius of all people left him spluttering.

“Mr. Potter are you quite alright?” Professor Ames asked uncertainly.

James realized that in his outrage he had burst out of his chair and was now staring down at Sirius while the rest of the class stared. He didn’t feel even a hint of embarrassment.

“No, I’m not,” he announced dramatically. “I just found out my best mate is a traitor!”

“Oh, sit down,” Sirius groaned.

Ames scratched her head, unsure how to address such brazen acting out. She wasn’t really big on the discipline. James made a mental note to suggest she sit down for tea with McGonagall. The Head of Gryffindor would have Ames straightened out on how to best corral unruly students in no time.

“I’m not sure this is the place,” Ames tried diplomatically.

James shook his head. “There’s no place that would be proper to deal with this betrayal. This _duplicity_. I think I need to be excused from the rest of class.”

“What’d he do?” Remus demanded from behind them.

“He’s taking McKinnon to Hogsmeade!” James said, pointing dramatically at Sirius. “Standing up his very best mate to spend time with a bird. Have you ever heard of such a thing?”

This set off a round of giggles throughout the classroom as everyone discussed the new dating development. Marlene looked like she was hoping her chair might sink through the floor and her friends were all over her, whispering in her ear, indicating that this was news to them.

“Yes, actually, I have heard of such a thing, Mr. Potter. These things happen as students get older, and they begin to develop more adult outlooks on life. Please sit down,” Ames said.

“But we agreed that no one would take a date since Pete didn’t have one,” James said, ignoring Ames' order.

“Peter’s not even going to Hogsmeade,” Sirius said reasonably. “Just find a girl yourself.”

As if that was the problem!

He had been looking forward to a little one-on-one time with Sirius. Sure, they got that every single day at one point or another, but how often did they get an extended amount of time without Peter or Remus there? Over the summer, he’d grown accustomed to having Sirius to himself for hours each day, free to tell jokes and play Quidditch and explore the woods near his house with nary an interruption. Now, there were never enough hours in the day.

“It’s the principle of the thing!” he huffed.

Sirius sounding offensively unconcerned, said, “Ask Moony to ditch Dahlia and go with you instead if you’re so worried about it.” From behind Sirius, Remus gave him a dark look that told him not on his life was that going to happen.

Defeated, James slumped back into his seat. “Tossers,” he muttered.

The day before Hogsmeade and he had to rummage up a date. James was good, but even he wasn’t that good. The only girls who weren’t already spoken for were dateless for a reason.

“Listen, mate,” Sirius began.

“Mr. Black, I really have to insist you both be quiet. This has gone on long enough!” Ames ordered fiercely. Even Ames had a breaking point. Who knew?

Sirius huffily dropped whatever he was going to say, but passed James a note a moment later.

_Pucey’s party tonight – you and me. We’ll go and get pissed, drive some Slytherins mad. Moony’s got a date with Dahlia tonight, so it’ll just be you and me._

James probably ought to have been more embarrassed. He was being managed like Sirius was his boyfriend who’d just broken a date and needed to stroke his ego until he felt better. But he didn’t care. Really all that mattered was that he now had something to look forward to with his best mate, and the morning wasn’t shaping up too badly after all.


	23. Oct. 14: Of Uses for Libraries, Approved & Forbidden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I love these two so much. I got emotional proofing this.  
> Thanks to everyone who continues to read and review. You’re wonderful people with excellent taste in ships.

**Oct. 14, 1977**

Slytherin parties were controversial affairs. On the one hand, a party was a party and it wasn’t like there was so much going on at Hogwarts that James could afford to be picky. He and his mates needed something to do and free booze was always a sell. The Slytherins were great about supplying. The downside was the company was awful.

Muggleborns from all the houses chose not to attend, including the occasional Slytherin muggleborn – though how they survived on a day to day basis, no one was sure. They weren’t explicitly banned from the parties, but it was hard to imagine why any of them would want to spend the night in the company of arseholes like Mulciber and Dolohov. Then, there were the Slytherins themselves to contend with.

James was starting to accept that not all Slytherins were automatically terrible people. He’d thought long and hard on what he’d learned about Bernie and realized it didn’t change anything about his scrawny, workout partner. Bernie was a Slytherin but that didn’t make him less of a good person. The stereotype existed for a reason though, and the majority of Slytherins were still intolerable in his opinion.

For these reasons, the Marauders probably only attended one in four Slytherin parties, which averaged out to about two a year. They could have fun with just each other up in their dormitory and didn’t see the need to inflict Slytherin company upon themselves. With Peter in the Hospital Wing and Remus on a date with Dahlia though, they’d decided to brave one that night.

It was going every bit as poorly as James’ might have expected.

They were two shots and fifteen minutes into the party when Regulus came over to talk to Sirius. This would have been fine in and of itself. The brothers gave each other a hard time, but they weren’t actually malicious with each other. The problem arose because Regulus’s friends, Mulciber and Nott decided to come over as well.

Even though plenty of animosity existed between the group of them, they were still all purebloods. Purebloods from important families, so things inevitably turned to politics. And when conversation turned to politics in a group like this, thing were bound to get ugly.

“You can’t argue that muggles aren’t just naturally inferior to us,” Mulciber insisted. “They still get killed by common illnesses like the flu! It’s only a matter of time until they just die out from a fucking cold anyway, so we shouldn’t cater to them in our legislation.”

“They put a man on the moon,” Sirius barked. “The bloody moon! How close are we to getting up there?”

Mulciber waved his hand, sloshing his drink onto the floor, “There was no point to that. I’m talking about important things, like…they can’t fly or transfigure or charm anything. Life without magic is just…”

“We ought to pity them really,” Regulus said. “Could you even imagine living without magic?”

James listened to this debate with arms crossed and a scowl permanently affixed to his face. He was especially bothered by Regulus’s input into the conversation. Regulus always did this when Sirius was around. Regulus would manage to tailor his comments to the middle so that while James was certain that they were anti-muggle and muggleborn, they were still just moderate enough that Sirius could deny that his brother was like his parents.

“Fine, forget about the muggles,” Mucliber said shortly. “We all know the real problem is the mudbloods anyway.”

“I know it must be so hard having to go home to mummy and daddy and tell them how you’re losing out to the muggleborns in all your classes. It must be enough to make them wonder if you’re a squib or not,” James sneered.

Mulciber looked murderous, face turning purple as he shouted, “I know you think this is all a big joke! But I can point you to plenty of studies that show that wizards who spend time with mudbloods show significant decreases in their magical capabilities! Their children are more likely to become squibs! And those stupid enough to marry a mudblood die seven years sooner!”

“Come on,” Regulus drawled. “Let’s not talk politics. It’s not polite.”

As if the issue here was just the setting rather than the content of every heinous word spewing from Mulciber’s mouth. They’d made the word ‘filthy’ so tainted, always lobbing it at the purest people James had ever met. People guilty of nothing but being born. James thought the real filth was standing in front of him, proudly wearing green-and-silver cufflinks. Like a pretentious git no less because this was not a party that required dressing up with cufflinks!

“What do you care? Always defending him. It’s not like he’s even still your brother. Blown off the family tree and all that,” Mulciber argued drunkenly.

Dry as a desert, Regulus said, “That’s not quite how it works.”

There was never a point to trying to separate the two brothers, and James thought Mulciber, even drunk, should have realized that. Sirius may not have bought into the idea that their blood made them better than anyone else, but he did believe that it connected them. The shared blood between him and his brother created a bond that Sirius could never turn his back on.

Watching them together always made James feel nervous because it was never so obvious that Sirius would never truly escape his parents than when they were together. So many habits that he considered just a natural part of Sirius – the angle he tilted his head when he was thinking or the way he could drawl out a question so no one was sure whether he was being condescending or not – were present in Regulus too. And if these were traits they shared, it wasn’t much of a jump to conclude that they might have gotten them from one of his parents. Nothing that brought Sirius closer to his family was good for him in James’ opinion. Not even Regulus.

“I think I see your _cousin_ in the corner. Shouldn’t you go over and try to get it in there? See if she’d be amenable to becoming the future Mrs. Mulciber?” Sirius goaded.

All the purebloods, James included, tensed slightly. Jokes about the close familiar connections between romantic partners in the magical community were the height of distaste. It was something everyone closed their eyes to as a necessity but tried to avoid discussing. Even James’ parents were cousins – third cousins, but still. Regulus especially looked displeased, eyebrows knitting together at the insult, which was equally aimed at their own parents.

Mulciber stood up from the couch and took a menacing step forward but was stopped by Preston Nott placing a halting hand on his shoulder. “Regulus is right. Black’s his guest, so he has every right to be here. Let’s all enjoy the party and not waste our time arguing.”

It was probably for the best that Nott had intervened or they would have found themselves in a fight and kicked out of the party before it had ever really begun. Nott was despicable, James had no doubt, but he definitely seemed to be one of the better Slytherins. While the others picked petty fights and shouted their bigotry to the world, Nott was more restrained. Someone who could be friends with a prat like Mulciber had to be terrible as well, but Nott at least didn’t seem as sadistic as his mates.

“He should watch himself before he gets into trouble,” Mulciber said.

There was an ambiguity to his tone that suggested the trouble wouldn’t be coming from him, and a tingling shot through James’ body at the insinuation of just who might cause Sirius harm. James realized that he wasn’t only referring to Sirius’s anti-blood purity talk either. The news that he was taking Marlene to Hogsmeade would have spread throughout the school by now.

Regulus rolled his eyes, clearly having noticed the insinuation as well. “No one’s going to care he took a girl to Hogsmeade. Let him date McKinnon. Hell, he could date a muggle, just as long as he doesn’t marry her.”

Regulus laughed then, light and unselfconscious. It was the type of laugh that made James think Regulus wasn’t kidding. Not at all.

His words had two effects. The first was that Mulciber appeared to be mildly chastened and stalked off for another drinking after clapping a friendly hand on Regulus’s shoulder to show all was well between them. The second was Sirius tensed up visibly, body going preternaturally still.

“What the fuck did you mean by that?” Sirius growled.

“That dating a mudblood doesn’t make you a blood traitor,” Regulus said simply. “Plenty of wizards do it when they’re young. So long as you keep your head down and don’t marry one, the Dark Lord’s not going to care.”

“What do you know about what the Dark Lord wants?” Sirius bellowed, drawing curious glances from some bystanders.

“Nothing,” Regulus said quickly. “Just, he’s not a madman, so you’ll be fine as long as you stay smart. I know you only got disowned for arguing with mother and father, not for _doing_ anything. You’re not a blood traitor, so everything will be fine.”

If anyone else had suggested to Sirius that he wasn’t a blood traitor, they’d have been hexed in a second. Sirius took great pride in that label. Coming from Regulus, it just made him speechless with anger.

James almost felt bad for the kid because his explanation showed some pretty faulty thought processes. Regulus’s convoluted logic revealed just how desperate he was to twist reality so that Sirius was still one of them.

“Tell me you’re not listening to that Death Eater bullshit,” Sirius said darkly, but James could detect the hidden, pleading note to his voice.

Regulus glanced around warily before dropping his voice. “I’m being smart. Maybe the movement will fizzle out before I graduate, but if it doesn’t…the Dark Lord might be our only chance to affect real change. Of course I can’t ignore that.”

For a moment, Sirius met James’ eyes over Regulus’s head, and all James saw was terror there. Fear for his little brother’s safety. Fear for his brother’s morality. Fear for the world.

The moment passed and Sirius stood up, grabbing Regulus by the arm. “We need to talk.”

James wanted to follow as Sirius dragged Regulus out into the hall, but Sirius didn’t look at him again, and James didn’t feel welcome. Even though he worried that Sirius couldn’t handle this, the possibility of losing the last living relative that gave a shit about him, James recognized that Sirius wanted to deal with his family issues on his own.

Reluctantly, he rejoined the party and an hour later he was smashed out of his mind. The only way to enjoy a Slytherin party was to get drunk early in order to forget how annoying everyone else was.

He played a couple of rounds of Merlin’s Ace, which was a drinking game that required the player with the lowest card to drink. Round after round, he lost spectacularly until he couldn’t believe that poor luck was his problem any longer. He suspected cheating was afoot and loudly accused his opponents of collusion.

“Aww, whining isn’t a good look on you, Potter,” jeered Brian Parkinson, “Are you going to be such a sore loser when we destroy you in the next match?”

There had been a lot of Quidditch smack talk that night, which was normally something James lived for. Nothing was better than watching his enemies start to seethe in anger as he riled them up before a big game. Unfortunately, his team was a shit show, so he was less cocky than was typical.

“Like hell are we losing to you tossers. Sides, whatd’ya mean this is a bad look?” James said, pointing questioningly to his own face. “This was selected as the third most handsome face in school. I’m gorgeous.”

“As you’ve already mentioned six times tonight,” Reina Lopez, who was a Hufflepuff, giggled.

“I’m done with you lot. You’re cheaters and you have bad taste!” James declared.

Some of the players begged him to stay, but he walked off anyway. He enjoyed hearing them playfully calling for him. One of his favorite things about parties was that it was never so obvious that he was beloved, a school-wide institution, than when his peers all fought for his time. Everyone vying for his attention was almost as intoxicating as his glass of firewhiskey.

James spotted Erin Bauman sitting alone and nursing a beer. She had on a T-shirt with a muggle band name and heavy, scuffed boots that would have made Sirius’s mouth water. They rarely talked because Erin was the type who hardly spoke to anyone, but she was undeniably cool. James, who had decided he was sick of all the wankers at the party, needed someone like that.

“Erin, my love,” James slurred, dropping onto the couch next to Erin. “Why do I never see you at these things?”

“I’m here now, aren’t I?” she retorted easily.

James slid an arm around the back of the couch and leaned in to explain, “I mean besides now. Other parties.”

“Maybe I’m not a fan of drunk boys drooling all over me,” Erin said.

“Hey! I’m not trying to put anything on,” James said quickly, retracting his arm. “You’re not really my…you know?”

“It’s fine, Potter,” Erin said placatingly.

Disgruntled at her easy acceptance, James pouted. He really wasn’t interested in Erin. There was something unapproachable about her, an air that suggested she was largely unimpressed by everyone around her. Plus, she was so bloody small, and not just short the way Lily was, but tiny like her bones were better suited for a doll.

Girls, generally speaking, liked him though. They wanted his attention, and he loved it that way. Erin ought to have had the decency to be at least a little disappointed that he wasn’t making a pass.

“You should want me to drool on you. I was ranked the number three fittest bloke in the school,” James told her thoughtlessly.

For a second she gaped at him before bursting into peals of laughter. “You’re such an arse. Oh my God!”

“I’m just saying, I’m a catch,” James whined.

Erin patted him kindly on the head. “Maybe if you were number three on the girls’ list, I’d be a bit more interested.”

“Oh! Oooh,” James said. “I can live with that.”

Erin laughed once more at his reaction. He smiled and laughed along with her. He felt much better now that he realized Erin was ambivalent towards him for legitimate reasons. For a moment there, he’d been worried that he was losing his charm.

“That’s good. Good for you!” James said as Erin smiled indulgently. It occurred to him that he may be coming off as plastered. “Girls who like blokes tend to like me. Usually. I don’t understand why _she_ doesn’t. Never did. Like, I’m kind of awesome.”

Erin fought back a smile. “Girl troubles?”

“Yeah,” James breathed. “She’s like the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. An angel really. Doesn’t have the personality of one. No sir, but she’s still so irritatingly…her! Her skin’s super soft too…Girls are so pretty.”

“Cheers to that, mate,” Erin said.

He realized he’d been talking about himself a lot, which was terribly rude. Erin was a cool person. She probably had like, ideas and opinions and shit to share.

“So, you do well with girls?” James asked magnanimously.

“I do alright,” Erin said, smile mischievous.

He had been right. Definitely fucking cool.

James was about to ask to hear more when Mary sat down on the floor in front of him. She drew her knees into her chest and rested her chin upon them.

“This party is the worst,” Mary announced.

“That’s not fair,” James argued. He’d been having a lovely time since he’d sat down with Erin. She was a wonderful friend.

“I came thinking something would, I don’t know, happen, and instead I look around and there’s not a single person here I want to talk to,” Mary said.

“Hey!” James cried. “Where’s the friendship, Mary?”

“Sorry, I meant other than you…You know what? No, I’m drunk, so I can say this. I don’t really want to talk to you either.”

James wondered if he’d momentarily blacked out and forgotten forcing his conversation on her. Nope! He was still sober enough to know she’d joined them not the other way around.

“Where’s Marlene?” he asked.

“I came without her. It’s my first party on my own,” Mary said glumly.

“Right,” James drawled, elongating the vowel. “Sorry about that.

Mary nodded sadly, missing his sarcasm. “She’s going to Hogsmeade with Sirius tomorrow.”

“Yeah, he told me. Weird huh?” James said.

He’d long since gotten over his resentment about being abandoned in Hogsmeade. Sure it would have been nice to spend the day just the two of them, but it wasn’t like they never spent any time together. James could find some other way to entertain himself. Maybe he’d sit outside Madame Puddifoot’s and give a running commentary on the couples. Maybe he’d wear the invisibility cloak and pretend to be a ghost in the shrieking shack. Maybe he’d act like a fucking normal person for once and just find some other friends to hang out with. Who knew? The world was his oyster.

“It’s something,” Mary said. Her head tilted quizzically as she noticed Erin for the first time. “Who are you?”

Erin extended a hand, “Erin Bauman. Capricorn. Sixth year. Rolling Stones enthusiast and the student with the highest score on McGonagall’s fifth year final in history.”

“I have the highest score on that exam,” Mary said, eyeing her hand suspiciously.

“ _Had_.”

“I like her,” Mary declared, shaking her hand enthusiastically. “More people should introduce themselves like that. That way I can figure out if they’re boring or worth talking to in the first minute.”

“It never takes me more than a minute to size a person up, regardless,” Erin said smoothly.

Mary cocked an eyebrow. “I’m –”

“Mary MacDonald.”

They smiled at each other a beat too long.

“So, what was your first impression of me?” James asked Erin.

“Same as now. That you’re an idiot, but you have a heart of gold,” Erin grinned.

James scoffed and reeled around to look at Mary, hoping to share a look of disbelief with his housemate about Erin’s inaccurate assessment.

His hopes for sympathy were dashed as Mary smirked at him and replied, “Don’t look at me. That’s my opinion too.”

In exaggerated outrage, James stumbled away from the couch, hurling accusations of betrayal as he went. He could hear Erin’s bark of a laugh mingling with Mary’s more restrained chuckles as he returned to the party proper.

He didn’t have to look around for the next person to talk to as he was snagged almost immediately by Diana Urquart. She’d gone all out for the party, stringing her blonde hair through some kind of net of jewels that caught the dim light and reflected it brilliantly back against the wall. Her makeup was heavy and James found the contrast between her huge, blue eyes and the smoky lines above intriguing.

“Having fun?” she asked.

“S’alright,” he answered honestly, shrugging.

No party spent without the other Marauders was ever fantastic. This one had proven no different. Talking to other people was fine and all, but no one could make him laugh or bring out the best, most carefree side of him like his friends could.

“I feel bad,” Diana pouted, lower lip puckering nicely. “Here we are hosting a party, and you’re not having any fun.”

She trailed her hand along the front of his robes, and he knew exactly where this was going. A part of him felt a little weird at the prospect of hooking up with Diana again. They’d snogged back in fourth year, but he’d been a different person then, less worried about a girl’s mind and a little more focused on her tits. She was on the nasty side, and he was pretty sure, given she was a Slytherin pureblood, that she had the worst kinds of opinions about bloodlines. Since maturing a bit, he’d limited his sex life to girls that he liked at least as a friend.

As he looked at her prettily painted face though, it was hard to care. James had dated a lot his first month back at Hogwarts, but it had been three months since his last shag, and Diana was fit. Maybe liking her personality was irrelevant.

“I think I’m going to get some fresh air. Want to come?” James asked, feeling mildly uneasy about the offer.

Diana happily slid her hand into his and let him lead the way. They didn’t make it outside. They were still in the open corridor when Diana shoved him against a wall and began to snog the hell out of him. He supposed that the air in the hall was fresh enough.

James couldn’t remember a time when he’d snogged a girl who was so assertive. Diana had clearly grown up a bit since they were fourteen and their necking was merely a tentative exploration of lips and teeth. It was mind numbingly good to stand still, while she left sucking kisses along his neck. The soft squelching sounds echoed down the hall.

For a moment, James was pulled out of enjoying her ministrations when he remembered that this was the same girl who Jerome had cheated with. He was pretty sure that Shelia would consider this a grave betrayal. He didn’t want this to affect their team dynamic. More importantly, he didn’t want to be another person who hurt Shelia.

But then Diana palmed his half-hard cock through his trousers and it became very hard to care about anyone else. Hell, he wouldn’t have cared if Diana had shagged his own dad. None of that mattered when he could slide his hands down her back and feel the swell of her bum.

The sound of footsteps from down the hall made them break apart. In the darkness, James could just see the glowing, yellow eyes of Mrs. Norris. It was likely Filch would be seconds behind, and James could count on one hand the things that he’d consider worse than being caught with a stiffy by Filch.

Urgently, he grabbed Diana by the hand and took off down the hall. Their progress was slow as she was in heels and could only take measured steps. James feared even if they could have legged it, the clicking would just lead Filch straight to them anyways. The caretaker was fast.

“You need to lose the shoes,” James whispered.

Diana looked scandalized. “They cost fifteen galleons.”

“We both know you’re bloody rich. Buy new ones,” he pleaded. “Or at least take them off and carry them.”

She gave the floor a look of distrust, which was kind of fair as who knew how frequently they cleaned them, but did as he instructed.

Filch chased them for a few more minutes before they final lost him on the second floor. If the man was one thing, it was persistent. Diana was flushed and giggling, and James didn’t think he could stand the walk back to Gryffindor Tower or anywhere else to find some privacy.

The nearest room was the library. James knew that he shouldn’t risk it given that he’d only just had his library privileges reinstated, but getting off in the library had to be a top three fantasy after getting jerked off on his broomstick and shagging in detention. Ignoring that it was a very bad idea, James cast an unlocking spell and pulled Diana inside with him.

He barely had the door shut when Diana whipped her top off in one smooth motion, dropping it carelessly to the floor. James was so appreciative of the view that it didn’t register that it should have been harder to see her beautiful skin in the dark. He stepped forward to trace his hands along the lines of her arms, nuzzling the crook of her neck.

His appreciation of Diana’s fantastic body was interrupted once again. This time by a shrieked, “Oh my God!”

He’d been able to make out Diana so clearly because a lantern was lit. A lantern was lit because the library was already occupied. There were only so many students at Hogwarts that would think studying on a Friday night was a good idea. One of them was Lily.

Gaping liked she’d never seen anything as scandalous as Diana in a bra before, Lily stood at the end of the stacks. He could see her things scattered on a nearby table.

Sober James would probably have blurted out an apology and then left with Diana to find another room. This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened to him. Hell, it hadn’t been that long since Lily had caught him with Rin. It was just one of the natural struggles of boarding school. There were only so many places you could snog, so you had to prepare for someone to walk in on you. The best thing to do was laugh about it and then move on.

Drunk as he was, James had a completely unorthodox reaction. He was just happy to see Lily. All of his reasons for avoiding her seemed stupid now. Why would he ever want to stay away? He _adored_ Lily.

Eagerly, he sat down at her table and laid his head on his crossed arm so that the room spun a little bit less but he could still peer up at her. “Hullo, Lily. What are you up to?”

“Studying.”

“Cool. It’s cool how much you study,” James complimented. “You’re so smart.”

Lily blinked owlishly back-and-forth between him and Diana, who wasn’t faring much better in sorting out what to do next. “Were you at the Slytherin party?”

“Yeah, just came from there. Mostly a lot of wankers. Slytherins, I’m telling you,” James nodded affably.

“James, I think we should find another room,” Diana bit out coldly. The crack at her house probably wasn’t endearing him to her.

James waved her off. “Can’t! I’m talking to Lily, who I haven’t spoken to _all_ day. I haven’t even told you your joke yet.”

“No, you haven’t,” Lily stammered, looking put on the spot.

“Have you heard the one about Morgana’s familiar? It was…” James trailed off. “Bugger, I can’t remember.”

“You’re drunk,” Lily said, a hint of a smile tugging at her lips for the first time that night.

“As a kerplunk,” he agreed.

“I don’t think that’s the expression,” Lily giggled.

The incredibly pleasant sound of Lily’s laughter was cut off by Diana. “ _James_ , I’m leaving.”

“I think she wants you to follow her,” Lily whispered when James made no move to get up.

“But I’m talking to you,” James said as if it were obvious.

He wasn’t trying to be rude. It genuinely didn’t occur to him that this would be taken as a rather harsh rejection by Diana, but he wasn’t one to mask things to be kind. Of all the things he could have done that night, all the people he could talk to, there was no one he would rather see than the red-head sitting in front of him.

Now Lily was really smiling, teeth visible and everything. He missed Diana walking out, only realizing she had left when he heard the door click shut. Looking away from Lily was impossible.

“Shelia is going to love this story,” Lily breathed through a laugh. “I can’t believe you just did that.”

“Good. I want Shelia to be happy again. Pay more attention to blocking the quaffle and less to her love life,” James grumbled.

Lily huffed, “My concern for Shelia’s a little more human compassion, less flying balls. Not everything comes down to Qudditch.”

“Agree to disagree,” James said seriously.

“You should go back to the party. I’m just studying in here,” Lily said.

He didn’t get the impression that she was trying to get rid of him. He had no doubt she’d tell him to scram if he overstayed his welcome. Holding back on his account had never been her style, and until she did, he wasn’t going anywhere.

“What are you studying?” he asked, picking up one of her books on Transfiguration and making an answer unnecessary. “Brill, I love Transfiguration. Want any help?”

“I hope you’re not implying I need it,” Lily said dangerously.

“Just that Transfiguration’s the one class I’m un-con-test-ably better at than you.” It took a lot of focus to sound out the longer words tripping over the syllables, so he made sure to carefully elongate each one.

“You’re lucky you’re drunk,” Lily said, giving him a dark look. “You’re too adorable right now to stay cross with, but I’ll be expecting an apology in the morning.”

“I always knew you secretly found me cute. Rather date the giant squid, my arse,” James muttered.

She didn’t deign to reply, instead flipping through one of her books and beginning to read. He figured her silence had probably saved them as talking about his blatant crush in fifth year couldn’t be healthy for their budding friendship. He might as well have gone, ‘oh, Lily, fancy a chat about how we almost snogged again yesterday?’ They were practically on the same level in terms of subjects that would make her run screaming in the opposite direction.

Lily really didn’t have a knack for Transfiguration. He’d known as much from watching her struggle in class years ago, but he’d assumed she had overcome it. Watching her struggle to successfully transfigure a paperweight into a cat, proved she had not simply become a Transfiguration ace overnight.

The issue wasn’t her wand work. Casting charms and defensive spells came naturally to her. Transfiguration required an understanding of the final object you wished to create. Visualization and a sharp memory of the properties of your desired transfiguration were key. In comparison, Charms, the class Lily most excelled in, was dependent on tweaking the object already in front of you. It was the discipline of the precise and detail-oriented, while Transfiguration was for multi-taskers who could envision the big picture. With that in mind, James didn’t think Lily’s struggles made her look dense at all.

“Maybe try closing your eyes,” James suggested. “Don’t look at the paperweight. The paperweight is meaningless.”

“How am I supposed to imagine the changes I want to make if I can’t look at it?” James griped.

Her comment perfectly proved his inner-commentary on the difference between Charms and Transfiguration casters.

“Here, let me show you,” he said, reaching for his wand.

Lily screamed. “No! James, you’re slurring every other word. You can’t cast anything right now. You’ll probably blow up the library!”

James wanted to reassure her that he was an excellent drunk-caster. Buzzed on too many butterbeers, he’d even successfully pulled off his animagus transformation, and that was the nastiest bit of magic he knew how to perform. Stories like that would only scare her though as she imagined all the terrible scenarios professors drilled into their heads about wizards who mispronounced a spell and permanently disfigured themselves, so he kept his mouth shut.

She did take his advice about closing her eyes, and after a few more attempts, had a mangy-looking tabby before her. Delighted, Lily stroked both hands down its back, cooing about how pretty it was. James thought it looked like it had been living in a back alley in Knockturn for six months.

“Grimy little bugger,” he said.

Lily wrinkled her nose in disapproval. “He’s beautiful. What are you even saying?”

“Cats just aren’t my cuppa. Kittens are fun, but then they grow up into these manky, little demons,” James said.

“You’re a dog person, aren’t you?” Lily said, rolling her eyes. “You know, as a proud cat person, I don’t feel the need to run around putting dogs down. I can want to own a cat but find dogs cute too. You should try it.”

James leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “Cats would have to be cute for that to work.”

Lily shoved the transfigured cat into his face as if to prove a point. The suddenness of having his vision obscured by a flailing cat made his head spin painfully. He had no trouble focusing on Lily, but having to readjust his eyes to the cat before him or his general surroundings brought home just how intoxicated he was.

“Tell me you wouldn’t want to curl up in bed with this,” Lily pressed. The cat bared its teeth at him.

“Umm, I wouldn’t. When I have my own place, first thing I’m doing is getting a dog. Not a little pocket-sized one either. Dogs should be big and sturdy. Like Padfoot. Now that’s a gorgeous dog,” James rambled.

He’d curled up in bed with Padfoot (transfigured, of course) on more than one occasion. Talk about a cuddly dog. He was large enough to wrap around, with thick, soft hair, and a penchant for licking James’ face. Falling asleep and waking up to find a very human Sirius was always a little weird, but it was worth it overall as it wasn’t like he was going to find another dog at Hogwarts to sleep alongside.

Lily set the cat down, looking utterly thrown. “Isn’t Padfoot the stupid nickname you always call Sirius? You want a dog like Sirius?”

“No! I just…I meant…A dog’s like a best friend, yeah? Sirius is my best friend. Ergo…”

Judging by her expression, Lily now thought he was a bit mad, but she accepted his answer. He’d have been in trouble if she pressed him. She had a keen mind and had seen Peter in his animagus form just days before. He didn’t need to be giving her any more clues.

Desperate to change the subject, James said, “You should turn it back and try again. Never say you know a spell unless you can do it twice, back to back.”

Lily hesitated. “Remember Transfiguration two weeks ago, when I asked about transfigured objects being living beings and you turned the class into a circus?”

Umm, no. He recalled _Lily_ casting a singing charm on all of them and the class devolving into mayhem, but he most certainly did not remember being the cause.

James just nodded. She’d asked McGonagall whether a transfigured mouse that could think wasn’t technically a living animal. When you reversed the spell, was it murder?

“I really do wonder about that. Sometimes…magic is so scary. You all take it for granted because you grew up with it, but I can’t stop asking these questions. If I lit this cat on fire, would it feel pain or just mimic the actions of a real cat that does? Does it have survival instincts? If it does, that opens up some terrifying questions about the value of life, including our own lives,” Lily said.

None of this had ever occurred to him before. He wasn’t worried about it like she was. He knew there was a difference between a magically transfigured cat and a real one. Life remained precious. But the possibility that they may still owe some level of compassion to transfigured animals was new territory for him.

“I don’t have all the answers,” James said, struggling to find the right words and not only because he was plastered. “But you can’t create, transfigure, or charm real food. I could make a feast here, and it would just make us sick. There’s something different between the two. Even if we can’t see it, there’s something deep inside us that sets us apart. All of the wonders of magic, everything we can do, and the most simple act that we all take for granted, creating life, remains a mystery. It’s ours. Not magic’s.”

He’d eaten transfigured blueberries once. Everything, the texture as he chewed, the color, had been the same, except they tasted like grass. An hour later, he’d been violently chucking them and everything else he had eaten that day.

“That’s kind of beautiful,” Lily said a little weepily, dropping the spell so that the paperweight returned. She still looked sad about it though. Maybe she’d wanted the cat to be real.

In a way he envied that she was muggleborn. Not only did she belong to two, fully-realized worlds, but she had the perspective to ask questions about the way things operated. He took things at face-value. The only time he ever really observed the system was when he was trying to work out ways to get around it. In his eyes, it was a static unmovable thing. She saw nothing but malleable clay, something she could shape to her will.

Without looking up at him, Lily said, “You know, I thought you were cross with me.”

“What?”

“Earlier today. You seemed irritated with me, and then it felt like you might have been avoiding me. I wasn’t sure what I had done, but…but I didn’t like it,” she spoke quietly. “I’m used to you now, I guess.”

James hadn’t forgotten just why he had been cross with her. He was irritated that she sometimes looked at him like she was looking straight into the fleshy, inner-workings of his soul and liking what she found. He was cross with her because after Merlin-knew how many rejections, she seemed to have changed her mind on the flip of a sickle. Either she was guilty of having never given him a fair chance in the past, or she was stringing him along now. Most of all, he was cross because he knew it was the latter. He knew that none of this meant anything to her, and that she would never fancy him. Friendship was one thing, but what a part of him had never stopped wanting was another matter entirely.

Essentially, he was just really brassed off at himself because knowing all of this was doing nothing to stop him from going moon-eyed all over again. He was a twat.

“Nah, I’m not cross,” he said.

Lily looked up at him hopefully, “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry if I hurt you at all today,” he said. His chest stung at the word hurt as if realizing for the first time that he might have done just that. He knew that he needed to do something to make it right. “Do you want me to hex myself as punishment?”

“No!” Lily blanched. “Are you out of your mind?”

“I don’t think so,” he said after pondering the possibility for a moment. “But isn’t it the chivalrous thing to defend a wounded lady? Someone has to pay! And that someone is me!”

He twirled his wand around in a fancy loop so that it was pointing at his chest. Lily was on her feet in an instant. “Potter, don’t you dare! You’re going to kill yourself!”

“I’d deserve it for upsetting you, fair maiden. I’m sorry, but there’s really nothing I can do,” he sighed in faux-helplessness.

Lily lunged for his wand the same moment he uttered a tickling hex. The force of the sensations caused him to collapse to the floor. He tried to scratch along the most ticklish parts of his body – the backs of his knees, his sides – to alleviate the worst of it, cackling all the while. It may have been a school yard jinx, but it was genuinely excruciating. At least when another person tickled him, he could fight them off. Now, he was utterly helpless.

A counter-curse from Lily brought instant relief, and he climbed, panting, back into his seat. James grinned pleasantly at Lily’s look of incredulity.

“I can’t believe you just hexed yourself!”

“I like to defy expectations,” he said smugly. She could call him crazy all she liked because his silly antics had worked. Gone was the shy Lily, worrying what she might have done wrong. Instead he was once more face to face with the judgmental Lily he knew and loved.

Loved as in the expression! He was most definitely not in love with Lily. Nowhere near it.

He hoped his sudden panic didn’t show on his face.

“You called me Potter just now,” he pointed out.

“Reflex, I suppose, at seeing you do something stupid,” Lily said somewhat contritely.

James shook his head. “I kind of liked it. I mean, please, _please_ keep calling me James, but I miss the ‘Potters’. You have such a wonderfully, colorful way of saying it. _Potter_. You’d think I murdered your mum or something.”

Lily blushed, “Oh shut up.”

“No, really. If you want to pepper a few ‘Potters’ in there from time to time, I won’t mind. I’ll do the same. Watch,” he cleared his throat. “Evans, I think you’ll score an ‘O’ on McGonagall’s exam. See?”

“You are too much sometimes,” Lily said, rubbing her temples.

James leaned back and crossed his arms, pleased. It didn’t sound like Lily actually found him obnoxious. Rather, she said it fondly like Remus might when he didn’t want to condone his behavior but was secretly endeared.

They lapsed into silence for some time after that, Lily presumably studying and James resting his eyes. The line between consciousness and sleep was blurry, and he slipped back-and-forth between the two seamlessly.

At some point he must have dreamed.

Peter was pacing up and down in the common room, familiar, pudgy body but with an enormous rat head. “Just because I’m magic doesn’t make me any less than you,” Peter told him. James agreed, and Peter’s arms began to sprout fur.

The scene shifted and he was now in Hogsmeade. Sirius greeted him, arm and arm with Marlene. “I see you found a date.”

Turning his head, James saw that he was standing next to Diana Urquart. She looked really pretty, and James was happy to be on a date with her. “I’m glad you’re not a rat,” he told her.

“I’m glad you’re not a cat,” she answered. Then she kissed him. When she pulled back, he saw Lily had entered and was now holding a slippery tentacle that belonged to the giant squid. Everyone began to clap enthusiastically at their arrival.

James nodded approvingly. “Definitely an improvement from Carmichael,” and then he woke up.

Waking up still drunk was an unsettling experience. He felt like a detective, trying to piece together his surroundings and determine where he was and how he’d gotten there. He hadn’t blacked out, so the memories began to trickle back, albeit slowly.

Through half-lidded eyes, he saw Lily was packing up, neatly stacking her books in her schoolbag. The sound of her returning the borrowed books to their shelves had probably been what woke him up.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” she said sweetly when she saw him looking. “Feeling a little more sober?”

“No,” he croaked. He’d need to down a liter of water when he got back to his dormitory. His throat was completely dry.

Lily smiled at him, and it was softer than anything he was accustomed to seeing on her face. It was kind of like how she’d looked yesterday when he almost kissed her, but that comparison wasn’t quite right. There was no expectation in her expression, just quiet fondness, closer to the adoring looks his mother often sent him than anything else.

“Let me walk you back home,” Lily said. “I don’t want you passing out on the stairs or something.”

Home. He liked the way she said it. They shared a home in Gryffindor Tower. In Hogwarts. They were always talking about who was returning home for the holidays. Never acknowledging that they’d already made one here.

He blessedly wasn’t so drunk that he couldn’t stand on his own, so Lily only had to chaperone him back. Walking in a straight line was another matter, and he zig-zagged happily down the hall. With a muffled giggle, Lily slid one of her arms through his and guided him forward.

James’ mood darkened drastically when they walked by the spot where he’d found Bernie being bullied that morning. There was no sign visible to the eye that anything of note had happened there. The corridor was no different than any other at Hogwarts, and yet, it felt unalterably changed.

So much so that it was a wonder Lily didn’t seem to notice. She continued to hum a song under her breath and lead him forward like the atmosphere hadn’t dipped, like she couldn’t sense anything at all.

Nausea overtook him, and he had to stop and lean against the wall until his stomach settled down. The part of his mind that wasn’t completely fixated on the guilt Bernie’s bullying had stirred up within him was able to recognize that he was in danger of throwing up on Lily’s shoes, and something told him their relationship hadn’t matured to the point where she would take that well. He leant his head against the cool stone of the wall and rested there to gain his bearings, and Lily’s footsteps fell silent as she realized he had stopped entirely.

“Was I really that bad before?” James asked.

Lily’s brow creased, “You just passed out. It’s fine, James. Don’t go getting gloomy on me.”

“No, I mean…before this year, last year. When I used to…did I really just hurt people for a laugh?”

Lily had already long stopped moving, but a stillness overtook her then at the direction of the conversation. Her silence was more damning than anything.

“Fuck,” James breathed before slumping to the floor.

In a hardly intelligible rush of words, James told Lily about finding Bernie earlier that morning. He forced himself for the first time that day to truly confront how responsible he felt for the bullying he’d witnessed. He wondered whether Bernie would hate him now, whether maybe Bernie had always hated him.

“I’m not really sure what you’re talking about, James,” Lily said hesitantly when he finally finished. “But whoever this Bernie person is, I’m sure it’s not your fault that some first years chose to bully him.”

James shook his head so violently it almost slammed her in the face as she lowered herself to sit on the floor next to him. “No! You don’t…they look up to me. Those kids thought I’d think it was cool that they were torturing him…they thought…”

He started when Lily took his hand in hers. She didn’t even wince at the feeling of his sweaty palm, just holding it firmly and supportively. Something swelled within him and vomiting became the least of his worries. No, now he feared he might start crying for the first time in his teenage life.

“Yes,” Lily said after a long moment. “Yes, you used to hurt people just for a laugh.”

That he’d already known it to be the truth somehow didn’t help to soften the blow of her words. James couldn’t look Lily in the eye. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that if he looked at Lily now, her face would show nothing but soft understanding, the kind of gentleness he hardly deserved.

Feeling unworthy was a new feeling for James. He couldn’t remember a time in his life when he hadn’t been utterly convinced of his own superiority. At the tender age of eleven, he’d known he was more clever than most of his peers, funnier, more interesting, more _alive_ even. He deserved every good thing the world had to offer and then some.

The lesson that Lily and others had so often tried to teach him: that there were other ways in which a person could have value, that other people had feelings that were just as real as his own, had been something he could accept at face value. It was simply impossible, however, for a young James to care enough to restrict his own behavior. Anyone who tried to reign in his fun was an annoyance. He’d never really bothered to consider whether they had a point.

“Why did you do it?” Lily asked quietly. Now she wasn’t looking at him directly either. “I mean, why’d you always have to torture Severus like that? You really hurt him.”

James grimaced. For as guilty as he felt in that moment, extending sympathy to Severus Snape was still beyond him. James didn’t call him a “greasy git” just because he enjoyed a good alliteration.

“Come on, Lily. I know you’re friends, but you know he was a sniveling coward from the day he stepped foot here. I’m not going to apologize for not playing nice with blood purists and bullies in their own right,” James said firmly.

“I’m not…” Lily closed her eyes as if she was struggling to find the words. “I’m not defending Sev. While I’d argue he wasn’t that bad when he first got here, you’re right. He had some awful opinions, and when he thought he could get away with it, he’d bully people too.”

The word unexpected didn’t begin to convey how surprising it was to hear Lily admit to Snape’s bigotry and indefensible behavior. For years, he’d tried to convince her of just that. Even after they stopped being mates at the end of fifth year, Lily had still made clear to James that he was somehow to blame for ruining Snape, rather than accepting that Snape was a rotten-fifteen-year old and he’d been a rotten eleven-year-old too. The shock of it was so great that James didn’t even argue her use of past tense.

Lily continued, “But you can’t just say that you bullied Severus because he was a bad person or something. It wasn’t vigilante justice.”

“Don’t tell me what I thought,” James said darkly.

“I’m right though. You never dangled Nott upside down by his ankles. I’ve never seen you hexing Mulciber in the corridors. The absolute worst blood purists in the school never had to worry about you the way Sev did. I’m not saying you’ve ever been friendly with the others of course, but it’s Sev, the half-blood that you –”

“Don’t you dare try to imply I went after your beloved Snape because he wasn’t a pureblood!” James shot to his feet in outrage even though he stumbled and the abruptness of the motion caused his blood to thunder in his ears.

“Sit down,” Lily chastised, tugging him back beside her along the wall with the hand that he hadn’t stopped holding. “I’m not saying anything like that. What I’m saying, is that you wanted to hurt the blood purists. You wanted to show them that you weren’t afraid of them. You _chose_ Sev though because he was easy, and hurting him made you feel powerful.”

While Lily’s theory was universes better than the idea that he’d bullied Snape for being a halfblood, it still wasn’t a particularly flattering explanation. The words to argue it, however, clogged in the back of his throat. An oversimplification by half, Lily’s words still weren’t necessarily untrue.

“My dad’s not in politics technically, but he keeps up a lot with this stuff. People talk to him. Tell him secrets that they probably shouldn’t,” James said hesitantly. “I grew up knowing that a war was coming. There were these awful, stupid people and they were going to rip everything apart. Good wizards were afraid, were going to lose everything, and people like you deserve the world. Anyone with eyes can see that.”

Growing up, a revolution seemed completely unimaginable to the majority of the wizarding world. The notion that they’d slowly slide into a war for the country’s very soul would have been met with scoffs. Tensions between the progressives and the traditionalists, however, were too high. The Potters had been uncomfortably aware that something would happen eventually to decide things once and for all, and with most of the money sitting with the bigoted pureblood elite, it didn’t look promising who would win in such an event.

“I wanted Hogwarts to be different. Even if the world disintegrated into pieces outside, Hogwarts was going to be a safe place. I wanted the blood purists to know they weren’t going to get away with their shite here,” James said.

“Oh, James,” Lily said, voice sad.

“I didn’t plan to target Snape too much in the beginning. He just always fought back, always had to have the last word. He didn’t stop. Mulciber’s the worst kind of bastard, but when I would confront him, he took his knocks and kept his mouth shut. Snape just kept standing up for their bullshit, and I couldn’t…couldn’t just let that go. And yeah, after a while, I started to hate him for it too. Maybe I enjoyed teaching him a lesson, but it’s only because…”

“I always just thought you hated him for not bowing down to you like you were some kind of king,” Lily said quietly.

James winced. Pride had definitely been a factor. He wasn’t lying when he said that his hatred of Snape was directly related to his crusade against prejudice, but maybe Lily was right too. He’d been a kid after all. He’d expected the slime he targeted to recognize that he was James-fucking-Potter and acknowledge his superiority. He’d be a liar to say differently.

“The others though. Snape was Snape. But there were times when maybe I was a little too quick with a wand. Too harsh,” James said dully, remembering that this wasn’t about Snape in the first place.

It was about all of the other students he’d messed with over the years. There were several times he’d had a go at a Slytherin just because of the color of their school tie, not because he’d witnessed them attack a muggleborn. He’d always assumed that all Slytherins deserved it. The Sorting Hat must have seen something in them to put them in that den of snakes. Bernie destroyed that perception with his every determined smile.

“Stop pouting. You’re a good person, and I won’t hear any differently,” Lily said with a degree of finality that James thought was entirely undeserved.

She forced him to look at her. Not by turning his head by the chin or anything physical like that. All it took was persistence. James could feel the heat of her stare burning into the side of his face, and eventually it overpowered him. It’s not like he’d ever before missed out on a chance to look at Lily, being a connoisseur of beauty and all. So he gave in and looked at her, and what he saw there was both horrible and magnificent.

There was pity in her eyes. James loathed pity. Only the weak needed it, and he’d spent his life trying to stamp out his weaknesses, when he would even admit to having them in the first place. Yet that pity welled from a place of caring, and nothing could exonerate him better than faith that Lily Evans – the paragon of upstanding values and moral fiber – supported him.

“I wouldn’t be your friend if you were still like that, James. You’re different. You grew up or matured or just changed, I don’t know, but that isn’t you,” Lily continued.

“Maybe you just don’t know me,” James said morosely, not entirely sure why he would argue with her when everything she was saying was exactly what he wanted to hear.

Lily didn’t pause to consider this for a moment, scoffing, “Please, James, you’re not that good a liar. I know you plenty, and you’re not someone who would dangle a boy upside down just because he’s in Slytherin. If you hurt anyone, it’s because they have hurt you in some way first.”

“Not a good liar? I’m a world-renowned dissembler! Here watch,” James ordered, and then said solemnly, “My birthday is in August. Now, tell me, was that a lie or not.”

Lily’s voice as she replied reminded him a fair bit of his mum. It was what he called her “I’m-done-with-your-nonsense” voice. “James, your birthday is in March. I’ve known that for years, and no, you can’t lie.”

He wanted to argue that clearly he’d had one too many shots and without those, he’d be able to convince Lily that her hair was green and her mother was a goblin, but he was too tired to do much other than stare at the floor. Lily sidled up closer to him so that he could feel the heat of her body burning along his side. With a sense of relief, James let his head fall on her shoulder.

“I think you’re a good person, James,” Lily said quietly. Her fingers drifted into his hair and began to play with the thick strands. “You’ve surprised me so much this year with the auction and everything else. You should be kind to yourself and recognize that you’re not who you once were. I know that I would hate to be judged for the things I used to do. I want people to see who I am now, and you deserve the same.”

The sense of drowsiness that overcame him at her soothing hands in his hair made it difficult for him to focus on her words, but he managed to just barely follow. James wasn’t sure Lily had done anything particularly terrible in the past that she ought to be ashamed of. Certainly nothing close to the level of callous bullying James had inflicted on Hogwarts. Still, he understood what she meant and recognized that it was a nice thought.

“I’ll make you a promise,” Lily said. “If you promise to see me as I am now, I’ll promise to do the same.”

There was still so much that was unresolved: Bernie had still been traumatized, the school still celebrated James’ past bullying, and James was still grappling with his own moral failures, but Lily’s words soothed him in a way nothing else could. For now, it would be enough.

It felt like a beginning.


	24. Oct 15: Of Hogsmeade, the Planned and Unplanned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone who reads and to those of you who review, you have my endless gratitude.
> 
> And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Hogsmeade.

**Oct. 15, 1977**

Hogsmeade Saturday dawned sunny and bright. It was a wee bit cold, but only so much as to demand a jumper, and not nearly enough to deter the excited students. Considering how rarely they got out of the castle, it would take a blizzard to stop some of the students from going and even then there were probably several that would still risk it.

Lily hadn’t spent a lot of time thinking about her dates, which was probably for the best because it prevented her from worrying about whether they’d have any chemistry or what they could possibly talk about. It was best to remain distracted.

And Lily was plenty distracted.

Her night in the library with James had her feeling extremely confused. First, he almost kissed her, then he ignored her, then he threw over the gorgeous Diana Urquart of all people just so that he could watch her study. That was a lot of contradictory behavior to sort through in her mind. And that was before she touched on the near meltdown towards the end of the night.

The almost kiss hadn’t bothered her. Lily had accepted that she found James impossibly attractive now that they weren’t insulting each other every other interaction. Clearly, she’d reasoned, it was that attraction that had led them astray, not any sincere feelings.

Nothing could explain how deeply hurt she’d been when he dismissed her on Friday though. Lily would be upset if any of her friends brushed her off like that, sure, but her feelings went so far beyond that. Just the absence of James was enough to make her day feel a little less bright. He was funny and charming and challenged her on several levels. Even if she tried to ignore it, she looked forward to seeing James every day, more so than she looked forward to seeing any of her long-time mates.

And maybe that was because she didn’t view James strictly as a friend, despite what they’d decided. It was the age old question of whether men and women could ever truly be friends. Lily was the first to say absolutely. Of course, two mature adults could be friends with no issues. The catch was that they weren’t just any mature adults. They were two people who were desperately attracted to each other, and one of them had made no secret of that fact.

At least, Lily _assumed_ James was still attracted to her. She supposed enough time had passed that his feelings on the matter could have changed or at least weakened. He’d snogged her at the party and almost did so again a few days ago, but he also snogged girls like Rin and Diana Urquart. She could just fall into the same bucket as them. The bucket for pretty girls he was attracted to but didn’t necessarily want anything more with. It was a bucket Lily desperately wanted to escape (and a want she refused to examine carefully).

With all of this on her mind, Lily didn’t put as much effort into her makeup as she should have that morning. It was a date. She was supposed to take the extra time to curl her hair and line her lips so that they looked even more plush and kissable than they did on a daily basis. Standing in front of the mirror in her dormitory bathroom, while her roommates went through their own routines, Lily just couldn’t bring herself to care. She rationalized that Erik and Adrian both already knew what she looked like, so there wasn’t really a point in trying to trick them into thinking she was prettier or anything.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to cancel with Ian?” Mary asked for the hundredth time that morning. “Really, he won’t mind.”

Neither Shelia nor Alice had dates and were planning to spend the day in Hogsmeade together. Considering things were still tense between all of them and Alice, Mary had offered to cancel her date with her boyfriend and accompany them instead. Things were bound to be less awkward with a third voice in the middle, especially as Shelia and Alice were particularly inclined to pick at one another.

“Of course you shouldn’t cancel your date,” Shelia insisted, not even looking up from where she was applying Marlene’s eyeliner for her. “You hardly ever see Ian. You can’t cancel last minute.”

“I think it’s obvious you secretly hate your boyfriend, MacDonald, so if you _want_ to cancel, feel free to. Just don’t use us as your excuse,” Alice added.

For a moment, Lily tensed at this characteristically blunt remark. True to her word, Alice hadn’t softened an iota and was continuing to make rude comments just like before. It made it difficult for the rest of the girls to move on, but they were all too tired of fighting to argue about it.

“Ian and I get on just fine,” Mary said sharply. “I’m just trying to be nice.”

“Sirius and I can always join you as well if you want,” Marlene offered. Lily thought it was highly unlikely that Marlene would ever tell Sirius where they should go but would rather follow his lead like a puppy through town, but it was a kind offer all the same.

“Please, did you see how upset James was when he found out Sirius was going with you instead of him? You’ll end up spending your time with him, if anyone,” Shelia said.

Marlene sighed, “I really hadn’t been trying to come between them. I hope James isn’t too upset about it.”

“He isn’t,” Lily said simply. “James was just making a scene because he likes to be dramatic. He’s not upset with you or Sirius.”

“Since when is he _James_?” Alice asked at the same time that Shelia demanded, “How would you know that?”

Lily froze in applying her mascara. She’d forgotten that it wasn’t normal for her to know details about James’ emotional state. Their friendship was new and not something she’d really shared with her friends yet.

“Um…I don’t know…we grew up and realized it’s rather silly to still be calling each other by our surnames when we’re friends and all,” Lily said.

“Since when are you friends?” Shelia asked.

Yesterday, Lily would have happily told them everything, or just about everything, from the past two weeks and how they’d been spending so much time together. How kind James could be to her. How he had gently helped her when she was scared of the rat-that-turned-out-to-be-a-boy and helped her overcome her fear, even if that had ended poorly. How he was the kind of idiot who would hex himself just because he’d upset her and knew it would make her laugh.

Today, however, she was confused about the jumble of feelings she harbored towards him that she couldn’t even begin to sift through. James was a topic she just wasn’t ready to discuss. At least not in any detail.

So, she shrugged and said, “We’ve just been spending more time together because of the bet, and it happened. It’s not a big deal.”

“You and James being friends is automatically a big deal!” Shelia insisted. “It’s been years of you two picking at each other and now you’re suddenly mates. That’s amazing!”

“I’m still not clear on the details. When did this happen?” Mary asked.

“I guess it started after the thestral incident. He was just really nice about the whole thing,” Lily said, thinking back to try to identify just the moment when her relationship with James began to change.

“What does that have to do with you?” Marlene asked innocently.

With her life as hectic as it had been the past few weeks, Lily had forgotten that she’d never really explained her role in releasing the thestral in the Great Hall to her friends. In fact, she hadn’t explained at all. Oops.

Alice guffawed, “She never told you? What did you think Lily and I were even fighting about? Lily and I set the thestral off in the Great Hall, and she freaked the fuck out when things got out of control and tried to put all the blame on me.”

“You what?” Shelia and Marlene shrieked. Even Mary dropped her hair brush and stared at her.

Lily became very invested in making sure each, individual eyelash was curled out the same length to avoid their shocked stares. She could feel Alice’s satisfaction at having exposed her radiating from the witch.

“What does James have to do with any of this?” Mary asked.

“I was really upset…and he found me and helped me get my head on straight,” Lily hedged. She sensed that her friends would keep bombarding her with questions, so Lily quickly changed the subject. “I caught James snogging Diana Urquart yesterday!”

That was probably the only bit of gossip that could have distracted Shelia from the bombshell that was Lily’s involvement in the thestral attack. Though she sensed that maybe her new friendship with James was earning just as much scrutiny.

Lily relayed the events of the night before, editing down her later conversations with James, to her rapt audience. Like she’d predicted, Shelia was delighted to hear about James’ oblivious rejection of Diana. What was surprising was that Shelia wasn’t bothered that James would snog her rival in the first place.

“You’re seriously not upset about it?” Lily questioned.

Shelia shrugged. “I’m over Jerome, Lily. Do I think Diana is a terrible tart and wish dragon pox upon her? Of course. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to waste my time worrying about it. I have more important things to think about.”

“Like what?” Lily asked, sharing a bewildered look with Marlene. This was a far cry from the hysterics of earlier that week.

“Jerome isn’t the only boy in this school,” Shelia said enigmatically.

“Did something happen last night?” Lily squealed.

“I’m in a good mood. Does that have to be because of a boy?” Shelia asked, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

“Yes!” they all shouted back.

Historically, Shelia only started to move on from a heartbreak if another bloke had grabbed her attention. Mary hadn’t mentioned them meeting anyone the night before, but that was _Mary_. She couldn’t be expected to pay attention to who Shelia was flirting with.

“I had a lovely night with a lovely gentleman, and that’s all you’ll get out of me,” Shelia said coyly.

This was outrageous on several levels, and Lily gaped in disbelief. What kind of friend hid their romantic entanglements like this? It was her duty to supply them with salacious gossip. It was practically the reason they kept her around. If Shelia was starting up with a new bloke, they deserved to know.

And yes, Lily was aware she was a hypocrite as she had no intention of divulging any almost kisses to her friends. But those were only _almost_ kisses. A completely different thing altogether.

For the rest of the morning, the girls devolved into gossip about how Diana Urquart was a worthless slag and trying to bait Shelia into revealing who her secret new lover was. Lily didn’t completely escape more questions about the thestral as periodically one of the girls would bring up a detail that was clearly bothering them, but she succeeded in diverting their attention for the most part.

As they all gossiped happily, Lily started to feel rather sick to the stomach. It hadn’t occurred to her before then just how much she was keeping from her friends. She’d always been a liar, but when it came to secrets, she usually had one or two tops. Now it felt like every significant occurrence in her life was a secret from them: James, Peter, Nott.

Boys had invaded their perfect friendship and flipped the whole thing upside down. She suddenly wished that she could offer to cancel her dates just like Mary. Men were so overrated.

 

Fifteen minutes. That was how long Lily had been waiting for Erik outside the Shrieking Shack. He wasn’t late per se. The argument could be made that they hadn’t agreed upon an exact time. The words “I’ll meet you sometime between ten and ten thirty” had been exchanged. Foolishly, Lily had taken that to mean ten on the dot and was now very much regretting her attempt at cavalier plan-making.

Really, it was a first date! All that mattered were first impressions, and right then, Lily’s impression was that Erik had more pressing things on his mind than her. That a date with her wasn’t something a boy would rush to attend. Terribly, terribly rude of him.

Shivering, she pulled her coat tighter around her small frame. Seated on the curb outside the Shrieking Shack, there wasn’t much to distract her from the cold, mild as it was. Few students started their morning with a gawk at the Shrieking Shack –it was rare for anyone but curious third years to ever make the decrepit shack a part of their itinerary – and it was off the beaten path enough so that no one was walking by on their way to more popular haunts. With no chance of people watching, Lily contented herself with staring at the worn leather of her boots and fuming about Erik.

Several minutes passed in which the only noise was the sound of the wind as it scattered the fallen leaves on the ground and Lily’s own sighs of frustration. Lily was so accustomed to the silence that came with solitude in fact that she almost didn’t notice when a banging started on the boarded up door of the shack.

Inexplicable noises coming from the Shrieking Shack were hardly worth noticing. Indistinct rattling and distracting wailing were par for the course with a malevolent ghoul, or so Lily had been told. Her experience with ghosts and the like had been limited to the residents of Hogwarts, none of which invoked particular fear in her heart. Annoyance maybe where Peeves was concerned, but nothing close to fear.

She was fairly sure that the legends said the spirit only came out at night though. There were no stories shared over at the Three Broomsticks about disruptions on sunny mornings before lunch had been served. It was this oddity that prompted Lily to stand up and investigate.

It was obvious that few people ever took the time to approach the Shrieking Shack. The ground was covered with autumn leaves that crinkled satisfyingly beneath her feet, evidence that no one had trod on them before. Then there was the aura, a sense that Lily couldn’t define that told her she was truly alone in a way that she never experienced when she stood in the oft walked halls of Hogwarts.

Tentatively, Lily called out, “Hello?”

The ghosts of Hogwarts could speak, so she saw no reason this one should be different. The ghost didn’t reply back, but the noise from within the shack did halt immediately. It would be a bizarre twist, Lily mused, if she managed to frighten the ghost off. There was no other way, however, that she could interpret the sudden silence.

Intrigued, Lily dared to draw closer until she was practically leaning against the cracked walls. She drew her hand over the barred door experimentally, wincing when she caught her skin on a piece of wood that just barely avoided forming a nasty splinter. Ear all but pressed to the door, Lily swore she heard breathing on the other side. As far as she knew, ghosts didn’t have much need for oxygen.

With a covert glance about to confirm what she already knew, that no one was around, Lily pulled out her wand and cast a Reducto at the door. The boards flew off violently and crashed heavily along the grass, and Lily grimaced as she took note of the destruction she’d caused. Nothing a bit of magic couldn’t fix, of course, but a holdover from her days living as a muggle was that she still hated to break anything, regardless of how effectively a Reparo could right the problem.

If Lily had ever questioned whether the Shrieking Shack was well and truly haunted, she certainly wouldn’t after seeing the inside. There was little in the way of furniture and what there was lay broken on the floor. The walls were a macabre painting of claw marks, scratched centimeters deep into the wood. There were no windows so the only light came from the blown out door and where the boards that comprised the walls had been installed improperly, leaving sun-filled gaps.

Impossible to explain were the pile of cigarette butts that lay scattered in a pile near a rickety chair. Few people would be brave enough to come inside the Shrieking Shack, especially just to sit and have a smoke.

“Hullo?” called again hopefully.

When nothing answered her greeting, she proceeded to move deeper into the house, abandoning the safety of the doorway. Her move was met with the sound of a rush of footfalls. It sounded like someone was scrambling to put distance between them, but all she saw before her was empty air. Curious, she moved toward where she’d heard the footsteps and was immediately met with a repeat. Whatever was in there, it was avoiding her.

“You don’t have to be frightened,” Lily said softly. “You’re not a cowardly ghost are you?”

No answer, but the same footsteps.

Steadily, Lily worked the ghost into a corner, carefully designing her path to include several false turns so that it wouldn’t realize that was her primary goal. When she was sure she had the ghost backed into the corner, trapped between the wall, a three-legged dining table, and her body, she swiped out suddenly with her arms to try to grab ahold. She imagined catching a ghost would be rather like catching fireflies, like catching magic.

It was actually rather like catching a normal, if invisible, person. Her hands made contact with what felt like a solid chest, a clothed solid chest even. There was a silky layer of fabric separating her hand from the ghost’s bare skin. The unexpected sensation was enough to send her reeling back. The ghost, which Lily was quick beginning to suspect wasn’t really a ghost, did the same, releasing an ‘unf’ of surprise as he (it had been a decidedly male chest) fell backwards onto the table.

Prats like Nott could carry on about Lily would never understand the intricacies of the magical world until they were blue in the face, but she knew enough to be sure that ghosts didn’t make a sound when they collided with tables. They didn’t breathe, or wear clothes that you could feel with a bare hand, and they certainly didn’t clumsily fall over when their knees collided with the furniture.

Lily lunged.

The move was unthinking on her part because she had no idea what she expected to find and no idea what she would do with whatever she discovered. If there was someone sneaking about in the Shrieking Shack, well, it was hardly her business. Being Head Girl at school didn’t give her any authority in the village. And even if it was a student (one who somehow knew how to pull off an award-worthy Disillusionment charm?) there were no explicit rules about entering the Shrieking Shack.

Worse, the person doing the sneaking could be doing so for nefarious purposes. After all, people in good standing rarely had cause to skulk. Lily didn’t have the background in dueling to hold her own against a grown, dark wizard. The best thing to do if she suspected trouble would be to find a professor.

None of this stopped her from tackling the figure onto the table.

A terrible error in judgment as she’d previously noted the table was missing a leg and was unable to bear the weight of them both. In a groaning pile of limbs, she and the figure slid from the table to the ground. With a grunt, Lily batted an elbow out of her face and climbed back to her feet. In standing up, Lily was afforded her first good glance at her fellow intruder, and the sight of James with his glasses knocked askew was enough to send her into hysterics.

“Are – are – are you _spying_ on me?” she nearly screamed.

“Bloody hell, Lily, you nearly took me out there,” James groaned, fixing his glasses even as he made no move to stand. “You’re bloody relentless.”

“Answer the question!” Lily spit.

“What was the question?”

Unwilling to kick a bloke lying on the floor (no matter how much he may have deserved it), Lily tore at her own hair in frustration. It was just like James to ruin something just as it was starting out. After their heartfelt talk from last night had finally convinced her that James was worthy of a different kind of interest, he went and shattered her trust as thoroughly as he’d shattered his right arm in the Quidditch Final last year.

And why? Because he was a jealous berk that was why. Gone was Lily’s worry over whether James still felt for her the way he had in fifth year. Clearly, his acting like her friend had been nothing but a ploy to get close to her. The proposals would have likely started up again any day now.

Humiliatingly, she might have even said yes to a casually proposed Hogsmeade date if he hadn’t blown his hand. Driven to this madness by his uncontrollable jealousy, James had intended to invisibly stalk her through Hogsmeade, and now he was caught red-handed. He could kiss his plans for a date goodbye!

“I can’t believe you were spying on me!” Lily shouted.

“Spying – why would I spy on you?” James asked, poorly attempting to play dumb.

“You know why! You hate that I’m going on a date with Erik,” Lily snapped.

“Sure, I don’t like the guy, but why would I want to watch him bore you to death? I’m lucky enough not to be dating the prat. I’d hardly inflict it on myself,” James said.

Lily couldn’t believe he’d taken the time to practice his cover story. She’d give the Marauders this, they were thorough.

“I’m not dense, James. You’re not going to convince me you had some other reason for disillusioning yourself and hiding in the Shrieking Shack of all places,” Lily said.

“I’m going to make ghost noises and scare the third years that come by.”

“What?”

“I’m going to make ghost noises and scare the third years that come by.”

His explanation, stated with an unperturbed confidence that was hard to doubt, sounded just as mad repeated. Lily wanted to scoff and call his bluff, but…that was actually awfully on brand. If anyone would spend their day on such a harebrained endeavor just for a few laughs, it was definitely James.

“Seriously?”

Scratching the back of his neck like he was slightly embarrassed, James said, “I won’t do it all day. There’s too much waiting, so I figure I’ll kip down to the Three Broomsticks once it fills up and do the rounds, but yeah, I’m frightening the kiddies.”

“I thought you were going to try and ruin my date,” Lily said, feeling numb.

James snorted. “No need. Carmichael’s going to drive you half way to Mungo’s before lunch with no help from me.”

Lily tried to process how she felt at all of these revelations but, like all things James-related, it was impossible. On the one hand, she was greatly relieved James wasn’t stalking her, and she respected him all the more for it. She could never fancy a boy insecure enough to stoop so low. On the other…well, she was a little disappointed to lose the clarity of moments before. She was back to having no inkling whether James’ feelings towards her extended past friendship. Whether he felt the kind of attraction you acted on or the kind of attraction that you ignored completely.

“Mind mending the door?” James asked, gesturing to the planks lying on the ground. “Our cover will be blown if anyone walks past it like that.”

“Our? There’s no ‘our,’” Lily said even as she magically shored up the door once more.

“You’re telling me you don’t want in on this?”

Startling children had never been Lily’s idea of fun, but she could see how this might be. No passing third-year would be traumatized by a few haunting wails. More likely, they’d think it cool.

Lily told him she’d stay on the condition Erik didn’t arrive and it could count as one of her pranks. With surprisingly little fight, James agreed to her terms.

“So, I can’t wait to tell Flitwick that you’re such a Disillusionment Charm ace,” Lily said, balancing on one foot on the rickety chair to pass the time. “He’s going to absolutely die. Honestly I can’t believe you never told him yourself.”

“I’d prefer you not,” James said.

Curious, as turning down an opportunity to bask in praise about his brilliance was hardly James’ style, Lily tried again, “You’ll have to show me the trick of it. Mine’s fine, I suppose, but I can never quite get my shadow. It gives me away every time.”

“I bet yours is perfect. Hey, sorry for interrupting your studying last night. I was right pissed,” James said.

Nothing about his demeanor changed and yet Lily was certain he was obfuscating. The James she knew would have delighted in teaching her a thing or two on Charms as they were her best subject and she’d never let him forget his comparative inferiority there. His ego from second-year couldn’t have healed from all the times she’d loudly bested him. Either this was a polyjuiced imposter (unlikely, as he remembered being a drunken fool last night), or he was hiding something. Just what kind of secret he could want to keep about Disillusionment Charms though she couldn’t fathom.

“Show me the Disillusionment Charm,” Lily ordered.

With a deceptively casual scratch of his nose, James said, “Nah, I’m not in the mood.”

“Show me now,” Lily said, eyes narrowed assessingly.

“Oh come on, Evans –”

“What are you hiding?” Lily said.

For several seconds, James blinked as he came to terms with the fact that she’d seen right through his lies. Lily liked to think that he considered telling her the truth as his mouth did twist in consideration, but then his expression returned to normal and he kept his mouth firmly shut. Where James messed up was in his first second of realization when his eyes flickered to his cloak, abandoned on the floor. Hyper-focused on his expressions as she was, Lily didn’t miss the rather uncharacteristic tell.

The cloak should have caught her attention immediately. Garish red and billowing, the shimmery garment was out of fashion, and while no trendsetter (articles written by Marlene implying the opposite aside), James wouldn’t normally be caught dead in something like that.

Quickly, before James could catch on and stop her, Lily hopped off the chair and darted to where the cloak rested. The fabric somehow felt shimmery and Lily eagerly ran her hands along the cool expanse of it to prolong the sensation.

“Lily, damn it, give that here,” James said urgently, all the confirmation she needed that this cloak was his secret.

“It’s lovely, but I don’t see why you’re trying to keep it from me,” Lily said, “Did you think I’d tease you because it’s ugly?”

“Yes, and I’m very sensitive, so give it back,” James demanded.

Enjoying the chance to rile him a bit, Lily flung the cloak over her shoulders just as James charged forward to steal it back. He managed to tear it off her body, but not before she was able to glimpse downwards and realize he was snatching it from her very invisible body.

“What is that?” Lily breathed in awe.

Her body had returned, but she still stared down in disbelief. The sensation of standing and looking down and encountering not your knees and shoes, but the ground, completely uninhabited by where you knew your body to be, was too disconcerting.

“I ‘spose you wouldn’t believe me if I said nothing,” James said hopefully.

“It’s some kind of invisibility cloak! I’ve never heard of such a thing. Where’d you get it?” Lily asked eagerly.

“Fuck, my dad’s going to kill me,” James muttered.

Lily felt a little sorry for having exposed his secret, seeing as he was taking it so poorly. Her intention had been to tease him. It hadn’t occurred to her that the secret he was hiding could be of any substance. Still, her excitement far outweighed her sympathy, so she couldn’t spare more than a few seconds of regret.

“Could I try it on again?” Lily asked eagerly, reaching out with grabby hands towards the cloak.

At the delighted look on Lily’s face, James couldn’t keep up his fretful misery. Regret and worry weren’t feelings that came naturally to him (something Lily had always envied), so he quickly joined her in her excitement.

Without argument, he returned the cloak for her perusal. Experimentally, she draped it over her arm to determine whether it was just as effective on parts as the whole. It was. She could feel her arm as it wiggled, feel the weight of the fabric through her jacket, but she couldn’t see the limb at all.

“James! This is brilliant!” Lily laughed.

From beneath the cloak, she made a rude hand gesture at him that she never would have dared had she not been invisible. James was none the wiser. The sight of him smiling fondly at her while she flipped him off was hilarious in its own right, and her giggles intensified.

“Alright, give it back,” James said.

Reluctantly, Lily relented and the cloak returned to its rightful owner. Curiously, he could hold the folded up cloak over one arm without its powers taking effect. Lily could happily hole up in the library for hours studying the charm upon it. That kind of magic, nuanced and perfect, was exceedingly rare.

“How’d you figure out it was the cloak?” James asked.

“Oh, you looked straight at it when I asked what you were hiding. Plus, you have to admit, it was pretty out of place,” Lily said honestly.

James closed his eyes and focused on his breathing. He looked furious with himself. Lily understood. It was a pretty amateur mistake and the kind of thing James prided himself on being above.

“Great. I exposed a family secret _and_ outed myself,” James grumbled. “My dad’s going to be so proud.”

Lily had often wondered as she seethed in her dormitory about one of James’ many shenanigans just what kind of parents could have raised such a troublesome child. Her own parents would have broken every spoon in the house on her back if she’d ever dared behave in such outlandish ways. Now she had her answer. While everything he’d told her about his mum made her out to be a sensible woman, James had been raised by the kind of father who gave an eleven year old an invisibility cloak and trained him to lie. It really figured.

“Your secret’s safe with me,” Lily said softly.

Looking a bit sheepish, James opened his mouth to respond, but stopped abruptly at the sound of voices floating past from outside the shack. They were the kind of squeaky, high-pitched voices that could only belong to a group of third-years.

Instantly, James threw himself into a crouch on the ground. When Lily made no move to follow, he grabbed her by the hand and yanked her down to join him. The Shrieking Shack hadn’t been built with comfortable living in mind with no floors installed, so the two crouched together in the soft dirt. James unnecessarily held a finger to his lips to signal that Lily should remain quiet as the voices grew near, and as an extra security measure, he draped the invisibility cloak across the both of them. In order to fit, it required that Lily snuggle up closer to his huddled body, shoulders plastered together and breath comingling in front of them.

It was difficult to make out what the children outside were saying, but it appeared as if they had stopped just outside the boundary of the property to discuss the shack’s legend. They didn’t even notice – conversation continuing uninterrupted – when James first let out a loud moan.

Lily noticed. Lily noticed quite a bit more than she would have liked because it wasn’t a particularly ghost-like moan. The low-pitched sound drawn out long and deep from James’ chest was less ghastly than evocative of pleasant if forbidden activities. Lily’s stomach clenched at the ring of it close to her ear and her eyes closed without her permission.

Oblivious, James continued releasing his poor imitations of a ghost’s wailing. Lily realized she had to put a stop to this immediately or the children outside were going to think an amorous couple had snuck into the shack for some privacy.

“Ooooooh!” Lily booed loudly, and there was no mistaking her call for anything approaching a moan of ecstasy.

James cast her an alarmed look of skepticism and gestured for her to stop, whispering, “You sound ridiculous. No one’s going to believe you’re a ghost carrying on like that.”

“Trust me, no one was buying yours either,” Lily hissed back.

“Oh yeah?” James challenged, then he started moaning again, louder than ever.

Incensed, Lily picked up her booing, trying to overpower James’ scandalous moans. The kids outside definitely noticed this discordant cacophony and all stopped talking to listen, awestruck, to the legendary ghost of the Shrieking Shack. After the first minute of stunned silence, the children started chattering excitedly amongst themselves about the ghost sighting.

“You’d think they’d run screaming thinking there’s a malevolent spirit inside,” Lily whispered.

“Please, yours isn’t remotely scary. It’s ruining the effect,” James argued.

“Mine? You’re traumatizing the children!”

“That was the point!”

They might have continued bickering in this way for several minutes if one of the children hadn’t summoned up the bravery to edge closer to the shack and knock. Just their luck that they’d decided to frighten a baby Gryffindor.

“Oh my God, what kind of maniac would try to talk to the ghost of the Shrieking Shack?” Lily whispered frantically.

“Hmm, I wonder,” James said sarcastically. He eyed her pointedly until she realized that, oh, yes, she was exactly that kind of maniac. But she was a seventeen year old witch capable of defending herself. These were children!

“Anyone there?” came the baby squeaky of the impossible to scare third-year.

They kept silent, but the kid was unrelenting. Repeating the question over and over again to the point that Lily began to worry that she’d miss her date with Erik entirely because she was trapped in the Shrieking Shack, avoiding a nosy kid.

Desperate for it to end, she shouted out in her deepest voice, “Get off my lawn!”

James facepalmed, and the kid outside began to shout eagerly to his friends that the ghost had yelled at him. While the little girl wasn’t frightened in the way Lily had hoped, her brush with the ghost had succeeded in filling her excitement quota, so she and the other kids left minutes later.

The moment they were out of earshot, James fell to the side, body escaping the cloak, as he laughed so hard tears came to his eyes. Lily’s heart was still beating fast from their near discovery, but she soon found herself joining him, bent over cackling at their own ridiculousness. Neither of them, it seemed, had a future as professional terrors. When the moment of death was upon them, they’d both best choose to move on because their ghosts would be pitiful – James a depraved moaner that mothers crossed the street to avoid, and Lily like something out of a children’s cartoon.

“I have to go,” Lily said, “but that was phenomenal.”

“Stay,” James pleaded. “There’s no way you’re going to have more fun than that with Carmichael.”

Lily’s breath hitched a little bit at James explicitly asking her to cancel her date to spend time with him instead. Her breath hitched and beyond that her mind worked through the scenarios quickly enough to know that he was right. There was no way Erik was going to make her laugh like that. In her life, no one had ever made her laugh like that except James. She wasn’t, however, the type to stand a boy up, so she stood up to leave all the same.

“Sorry, James. You’ll have to continue our noble cause alone,” Lily said.

“Aww, no fun. Just know that the entire time you’re with Carmichael, you’re going to be wishing you were back here with me,” James said, smile-wide and a little, she thought, mean.

“Pfft, you wish,” Lily called back, trying to act unaffected when really his words had burrowed straight into her soul and robbed her of her ability to breathe.

James didn’t make any more attempts to stop her as she exited the Shrieking Shack. She looked down at her now dirty jacket and stockings, and tried to brush away the dirt that clung to them. There wasn’t much hope of succeeding, and Lily had to accept that she was about to show up for a date with Erik covered in dirt and looking like she’d just rolled down a hill.

Glancing at her watch, Lily saw there were still three minutes until ten thirty. Erik still wasn’t technically late, even if he was nowhere in sight. With a heavy sigh, Lily lowered herself back to the curb to sit where she’d been before. Nothing had changed. She was still waiting outside the Shrieking Shack for her date. And yet, knowing James was inside behind her, draped in a magical cloak that granted the wearer invisibility and preparing to torment every unsuspecting passerby, Lily couldn’t help but feel as if everything was different.

 

Lily had a very real bone to pick with James.

He was completely and utterly responsible for ruining her date with Erik. Through treachery and cunning, he had ensured that the entire thing was doomed to be a disaster for a start. She didn’t know how she could have ever thought she might start to fancy that bespectacled idiot, when he was capable of such subterfuge. He was an arse.

This was the direction of Lily’s thoughts as she sipped on her milkshake and listened to Erik talk about the upcoming Quidditch match. They were in Honeydukes, sitting at the newly installed ice cream counter. It had been all anyone could talk about at the end of term last year. Now there was another place where students could congregate, escaping from the crowded Three Broomsticks.

“I keep telling Potter that we need to focus more on our offense if we want to beat Slytherin. We’re never going to get anywhere with Franklin and Higgles as beaters, so we’ll have to make up for it by being perfect on offense,” Erik told her.

“That’s nice,” Lily said. Translation: _I really couldn’t care less about Quidditch._

“Yeah, it’s the only strategy that makes sense, and Potter knows it, but you know how he is. He can’t accept anything that he’s not the one to come up with, so we’ll just have to wait and see.

“Mmhmm.” Translation: _Please, oh please, talk about something other than Quidditch._

“Potter’s pretty arrogant, don’t you think? I mean, you’ve always known that, huh?”

“Yep.” Translation: _James is many things and arrogant is definitely one of them. Absolutely no denying that, BUT he’s not the only one._

All of this was, of course, James’ fault. He had been the one who put it into her head that Erik was too conceited to ever really fancy. Had he kept his mouth shut, Lily might not have been looking for the arrogance in everything Erik said. Instead, she might have enjoyed it as he droned on about Quidditch (after all passion was a virtue) and she might have been more agreeable about James’ own flaws (she couldn’t blame Erik for having working eyes and noticing that James’ head was ten sizes too large.) But no, it was all for nothing. She was well and truly corrupted.

Lily became distracted by a flash of red hair entering the shop. (Not that her pointed staring into her milkshake was that riveting anyways). Her face tightened when she saw it was Preston Nott and a gang of Slytherin boys. Not wanting him to see her and possibly come over, she shrank lower in her seat.

A part of her was furious at her own cowardice. Who was he to make her feel small? She ought to sit tall and laugh in his face if he dared come over and insult her.

Lily felt too tired to deal with the emotional stress of fighting him off though. Their encounters always took something out of her even if she recognized that he was full of shite. At least in Herbology she had a few hours to prepare herself for the onslaught that was to come. Sudden attacks by ginger bigots were surely more than any girl could take. Especially when said girl was already in the middle of a disastrous date.

Noticing her distraction, Erik followed her gaze, going hard when he saw Nott. “God, he’s a right wanker, isn’t he?”

Lily hummed noncommittally. Nott was decidedly not good date conversation.

“I heard about what you did for Susan Kerns. Trading places like that. It was an incredibly brave thing to do,” Erik said obliviously, surprising her because she hadn’t expected anyone to know about their arrangement.

“It was nothing,” Lily said stiltedly. There’d never been a choice for her. Knowing that someone was in need, how could she have possibly turned her back on them?

Erik didn’t see it that way and shook his head. “No, Lily, it was extraordinary. So few people bother to help us. They’d rather take a few house points and pretend that solves things than admit there’s a problem. We have to take care of each other.”

 _We_. She’d never really thought of muggleborns as a ‘we’ before. They were always a ‘them,’ either a problem or a group deserving of sympathy but always painted as outsiders. It was because the purebloods were always leading the conversation, setting the rules. Something hot slid through her at Erik’s words. It felt illicit somehow.

“I think everyone knows there’s a problem,” Lily argued even as the heat he’d inspired spread throughout her body.

“Half the people I talk to don’t even think there will be a war,” Erik said in disgust. “They think all of this is going to go away on its own. They’d be happy to accept the Death Eaters back into the fold, no consequences, as long as they shut up about revolution. That’s the real problem in purebloods’ eyes, you see, the talk of Ministry overthrow. Anti-muggleborn sentiment’s just the status quo.”

It wasn’t the most flattering opinion of their classmates, but Lily wasn’t sure Erik was wrong either. She’d read about the history of muggleborn suppression, and it was sordid, with statues aimed at limiting their magical freedoms on the books as late as the 1910s. None of that was taught in History of Magic. They never seemed to get any more modern than the eighteenth century and focused principally on the history of magical creatures instead.

Lily brought this up to him and it launched them into a discussion on how education at Hogwarts failed muggleborns. All of Lily’s annoyance at Erik’s arrogance slid away as they talked. She’d never before had anyone with whom she could discuss what it was like to deal with the bigotry she faced. Sure, Marlene went through much the same, but she wouldn’t hear a word against their pureblood classmates or magical culture. Marlene refused to recognize all the ways their peers’ silence and assumptions failed them.

Erik, on the other hand, turned out to be an expert. He’d clearly done a great deal of research into the issue and shocked Lily with some of his examples of anti-muggleborn prejudice. Learning that Sirius had a relative that had tried to legalize muggle hunting made his jokes about his awful family a lot less relatable and a lot more terrifying.

“Do you think you could ever date a muggle?” Erik asked.

Lily rested her chin on her hand as she really thought about it. A relationship with a muggle would be built on lies. She would never be able to relax for a moment out of fear that she’d give herself away. They’d never really know her either. Learning she was a witch and everything that came with it was a huge part of her identity. How could she ever marry someone who didn’t know that part of her? And without marriage there was no sharing unless she fancied being dragged in front of the Ministry. Considering the current political climate, it was likely they’d make an example out of muggleborns flouting the statute of secrecy rather than showing any compassion.

“No, I don’t think I could,” Lily admitted.

Erik’s nod was understanding. “That’s the worst part. They make us leave the muggle world behind, put up all these barriers that make it impossible to ever truly go back, and then they accuse us of infiltrating their world as if they ever gave us a choice in the matter. My parents didn’t even want me to come here. If the Ministry hadn’t forced them, I’d have turned down my place and gone to public like my brothers.”

“My parents were thrilled. They love magic. I think their own lives bore them, so they love having a daughter who’s special,” Lily confided.

“That must be hard. If they think being a witch is something special, then they must not truly understand your life,” Erik said insightfully.

Lily almost choked on her milkshake. No one had ever understood before when she tried to explain just that, and here Erik had put it together on his own.

Her parents were wonderful people and they loved her, but magic would always divide them. If Lily wrote to her parents about the stress of schoolwork, they’d write back that she should be grateful to take exciting classes that weren’t _real_ work. Whenever she felt homesick, they replied that home was so boring compared to Hogwarts. That there was no reason to miss it at all. They would never understand that magic was just a part of her life. It didn’t fix all her problems or chase her fears away. It just was.

“They try their best,” Lily said because it was true and she didn’t want to open up about it, even if she was starting to believe that Erik would understand perfectly.

He had beautiful eyelashes. They were long and feminine, framing his pale, blue eyes. Lily had always thought Erik was good-looking, but their conversation had transformed him into something more.

With Erik as a boyfriend, she’d have a partner who always understood her frustrations and fears. They could always work on making him less arrogant. Once they were closer, Lily could see herself gently bringing up how he sometimes came across as a bit abrupt and move him towards a more modest persona.

So it was that after a horrible start, Lily was actually sad to see their date end. She wasn’t too proud to admit that having multiple dates seemed silly now. She was already on the date she wanted and wasn’t looking forward to slugging through awkward small talk with Adrian.

Erik, true to form, tried to convince her to blow Adrian off. He held her hands in his and made countless promises about what a good time they’d have if they went to the Three Broomsticks together instead. And Lily believed him. She really did, but that didn’t change the fact that what he was suggesting was unforgivably rude. Lily had made a commitment and Evans women honored their commitments.

So, when the sky began to darken, Lily went to meet Adrian at the Three Broomsticks as planned, leaving a moody Erik behind. She found him sitting in a coveted corner booth when she arrived. Objectively, Adrian was probably better looking that Erik, but she couldn’t really see it anymore. Her afternoon with Erik had warped her perception.

As she’d suspected, the date consisted of typical first-date-getting-to-know-you chatter. Adrian was a dry personality, so the conversation didn’t flow easily. Lily had to work to keep it going, and pretending to be peppy when really all she wanted to do was go home and take a nap was exhausting.

The situation was especially unpleasant because the Three Broomsticks was packed with students Lily would rather be talking to. A few booths away, Mary was having a subdued conversation with Ian. At the bar, Shelia and Alice were ordering drinks. Remus and Dahlia were snuggled up in a corner.

Any chance Lily had of enjoying her date ended when James walked in. She couldn’t believe that she’d thought Erik was attractive before. If Erik was attractive, James must have been a god. Lily couldn’t take her eyes off him as he ran a hand through his messy hair, looking around for his friends. How could she have ever wanted him to meet a hairbrush when his tangle of black hair offered up so many wonderful fantasies about her being the one to comb her fingers through it?

He ultimately joined Shelia and Alice at the bar, and Lily had to stop herself from twisting around in her seat to watch him. As luck had it, there was a mirror hanging next to Mary’s booth and if she craned her neck, she could just make out James in the reflection.

What could she say? She was a hormonal teenager and that boy was _fit_ in a jumper.

Through the mirror, Lily watched as Rin joined him at the bar. She felt sick at the sight. James had told her things were over between him and Rin…except, those hadn’t been his exact words. Lily remembered he’d described their relationship as paused.

What did that even mean? She supposed paused carried the implication that something could be resumed. But just because something could start again, didn’t mean it should.

Suddenly, Lily desperately wanted to know where Rin had ranked ion that juvenile most attractive witches list. She cursed that she’d been too proud, too nervous about where she’d fall herself to look. There was no denying that Rin was gorgeous, so she must have ranked pretty high. Mortifyingly, Lily found herself worrying over whether Rin might have placed higher than her instead of listening to Adrian describe how he planned to decorate his first apartment out of Hogwarts. She caught that it involved a lot of white.

Rin’s head tilted back as she laughed at something James told her, and Lily’s mouth dropped open in outrage. It was absurd in Lily’s opinion to make such a big show of laughing at one of his jokes (and okay, it wasn’t that big a show) as James was hardly even funny. Except for occasionally when he told a joke so bad it turned around on itself or when he got into one of his stories about his mates. He had a knack for storytelling…

Sitting in her booth on her mediocre date, Lily wanted to cry because there was no pretending that she wasn’t having a jealous meltdown because James was _talking_ to another girl. Nothing about her feelings made sense, and it was that confusion more than her jealousy that made her upset.

How could she fancy James? They’d only been on a first name basis for a week! For years, she’d watched him glide through life, bullying people more vulnerable than him without thinking. She shouldn’t even like him as a mate.

Yet, he’d changed. Last night had erased any doubts in her mind that the man she was currently spying on was the same as the boy who’d laughed at other people’s suffering.

No, the James of today was considerate and witty and bursting with energy. A decent friend. Lily could still write an essay on his countless flaws, yeah, but she could now fill just as much parchment listing his good qualities.

There was also the matter of Erik. She’d enjoyed their date and left it thinking about what it would be like to see him on a more serious basis. Lily couldn’t understand how she could harbor those thoughts about Erik and then turn around and realize she fancied James just an hour later.

Adrian noticed her preoccupation, but mistook her staring at James for staring at Mary and Ian. He nodded his head like this was perfectly reasonable and said, “Mary’s a really great girl.”

“The best,” Lily said, even though she’s not feeling very charitable at the moment and wants to say that she wouldn’t be friends with Mary if she wasn’t.

“I just think it’s really great that she keeps going to Hogsmeade with Ian even though there are so many people she’d rather go with. She’s a nice person. Generous,” Adrian explains.

Face heating, Lily cast around for an appropriate answer. Yeah, just that morning Mary had been trying to get out of her date with Ian, but that didn’t mean others ought to know. They’d been dating for over two years! They were just bored with each other or something. Surely they’d get over it with time.

“Mary likes Ian,” Lily said defensively.

“Of course she does!” Adrian said. “I reckon you can’t pretend to date for that long without becoming friends along the way.”

Lily froze. _Pretend to date_? What did he mean by that?

She wracked her mind for evidence that supported his claim. Thinking back, there had been no lead up to Ian and Mary getting together. There was no gossip about how much she fancied him in the dormitory or excitement about their first date. Matter-of-factly, Mary had just informed them that she was now going steady with Ian and that was it. But that was just Mary’s way! She didn’t become gushy about boys like the rest of them. It didn’t mean anything.

“What?” Lily said ineloquently.

Adrian’s eyes widened in alarm, “Wait, you do know right?”

Lily didn’t want to admit that Adrian, a boy who’d hardly interacted with Mary might know more about Mary than one of her best friends. She also could smell the gossip, and, shamefully, knew the best way to get it would be to keep her mouth shut about how confused she felt. So, feeling guilty, Lily lied.

“Of course, I do. Mary’s one of my best mates.”

Adrian’s body visibly relaxed and he laughed in relief. “Oh thank Merlin. I thought I’d outed them for a second.”

“Nope! Mary doesn’t keep secrets from me. We’re good mates, you know? The best, really. No secrets here,” Lily said. It was like her mouth had developed a mind of its own because even Lily realized this was laying it on a bit thick. “Um…I know all about them _pretending to date_ , but I don’t really know how it all started. It was so long ago.”

“Yeah, that seems like a lifetime ago, doesn’t it?” Adrian agreed obliviously. “Basically, Ian’s just really uptight about people learning he’s gay. I tried to tell him that wizards don’t really care about that. I mean _we’re not muggles,_ but he didn’t listen. So, when we started going out, Mary agreed to be his girlfriend in public so no one would suspect.”

Lily couldn’t even pretend to take this new information in stride. Her jaw hung loose, and she blinked rapidly as she tried to regain her bearings. “You and Ian are…together?”

Now it was Adrian’s turn to look shocked. “No! Of course not! We broke up ages ago. I would never agree to go on a date with you if I was still with Ian. I respect you too much for that.”

At this, he flashed her a reassuring smile of blindingly white teeth. He seemed genuinely concerned that Lily might think he was cheating on his boyfriend and using her to do it. If the circumstances were different and Lily wasn’t so distracted, she might have found it sweet.

“So you’re…bisexual?” Lily asked. She hoped she had the right term. Never before had she had a need to use it. After all, she didn’t have any gay friends.

“That’s not a problem, right? Yeah, I think guys are hot, but I also think you’re gorgeous, Lily,” Adrian said. He took her hand in his and gave it a comforting squeeze.

Lily wasn’t sure if she was alright with this situation at all, but she did know that finding out more about Ian’s fake relationship with Mary was top priority. Nothing made sense and Adrian seemed to have all the answers. He was a boy who understood why a bloke would kiss another bloke. Hell, he’d done it! Lily pictured Ian and Adrian kissing and found the image didn’t disgust her. Not at all.

“Why didn’t they stop pretending when you and Ian broke up?’ Lily asked. “There’s nothing left to hide.”

Adrian shrugged, “I guess they just feel safer that way.”

“This is crazy,” Lily breathed.

Mary had lied to her, to all of them, for years. Maybe she was wrong, but Lily was pretty sure Marlene didn’t even know. And this wasn’t a small, petty secret like the ones Lily often kept from her friends. No, this was earth-shattering.

The oddest part was that Mary and Ian had never been close. She couldn’t imagine how Mary had become roped into their arrangement in the first place nor why Mary would keep up the façade for years instead of finding a boy who was serious about her.

Having so many questions with so few answers left Lily feeling like maybe she didn’t _know_ Mary at all. And if she didn’t know Mary, who did she know?

Even though she was in a crowded restaurant, Lily had never felt lonelier. All of her friendships, the ones she had fostered for years, felt superficial. None of them shared their deepest fears or hidden thoughts with each other. Lily was an island unto herself, and no one had ever swam ashore.

Except…Sev had always known her. He’d been there before she learned that she ought to hide her feelings and put on her best face for the world. The horrible irony was that she understood him completely as well, but she didn’t like what she saw.

Everything in the bar was suddenly too loud and tinny. The sound of a stool scraping against the floor grated on her nerves. She desperately wanted to Silencio the group of fourth years laughing raucously three tables over.

The lights were too bright. She could feel sweat collecting beneath her arms. With it came the absolute certainty that she needed to get out of the room, out of her date, possibly out of Hogsmeade altogether.

“Umm…I need to go. I meant to get my sister a present today and completely space. Thanks for everything,” Lily lied.

“I can go with you,” Adrian offered.

“No!” Lily cried, grappling in her purse for enough money to pay for her butterbeer. Lily expected a boy to pay on a date, but figured that the least she could do was cover her own fare when she was running out early.

“Is it because I told you I was bi?” Adrian asked stiffly.

“No, you’re great,” Lily practically shouted. As she burst to her feet, her head collided with a low hanging potted plant that was dangling above their table and sent it swinging. Curiously, students peered over at them to see what the ruckus was all about.

“Then what is it?” Adrian pressed.

Lily lowered her voice so no one else could overhear, but didn’t manage to filter her words at all. They tumbled out, rushed and anxious without her permission.

“It’s me! I’m in a bad place. My best friend is probably going to become a death eater, and I can’t stop him. He won’t listen to me, and I know all this because Preston Nott is torturing me for being a muggleborn. He tells me things about my friend that I don’t want to hear. I accidentally broke Peter Pettigrew’s spine, my friendship with Alice is a mess, and I think I might fancy James Potter!”

The two stared at each other with matching expressions of shock, though Lily’s quickly transformed into one of mortification. All of these things that she never dared say aloud, and Adrian was the one she confided in?

“That’s…I guess you’re really not in a place to be starting something new,” Adrian said diplomatically.

That was one way to put it. If any new complication tried to enter her life at that point, she’d probably punch it in the nose and run in the other direction. She was maxed out.

“I didn’t even mention my relationship with my sister,” Lily said glibly. Getting everything off her chest had caused the room to settle, her panic beaten back for the moment.

“I’ll see you later then,” Adrian said, fear that she could have a breakdown at any moment evident in his voice.

At least she wouldn’t have to worry about letting him down easily. Adrian clearly thought she was a madwoman and wouldn’t be seeking her out. Unlike James, he didn’t seem to appreciate her emotional outbursts. Adrian was the dream on paper. He was probably looking for the type of girl that Lily pretended to be – serene, untouchable, perfect. The real Lily could never measure up to that.

Hurriedly, Lily left the Three Broomsticks. She leaned against the wall outside and let the cold seep through her. Something about it was settling and helped her regain her senses. She no longer felt like an alien, cluelessly observing her classmates having fun.

A few minutes later, Dahlia and Remus exited the bar. They walked arm in arm, with Dahlia leaning into him slightly for support. Lily could tell from her dreamy expression that Dahlia had been drinking.

“Hullo, Lily, what are you doing out here? Aren’t you freezing?’ Dahlia greeted.

“I was just getting ready to head back to the castle, and I guess I didn’t notice the cold,” Lily said.

“You must be like Remus,” Dahlia said. “I always say he’s like my own personal sun. He’s always piping hot.”

Remus ran a hand through his hair in a move he must have picked up from James, though he came off decidedly more bashful about it. “Do you want to share a carriage with us, Lily? We were just heading back as well.”

Lily had been enjoying her time alone, but the couple seemed so peaceful that Lily agreed. Perhaps she hoped some of their serenity would rub off on her.

Once they were in the carriage, Dahlia curled up into Remus’s side and promptly fell asleep. They made a pretty picture together. Dahlia was dark with a softness of spirit that showed itself in her full cheeks and big smiles. Remus, on the other hand, was pale and rugged with his jagged scars and guarded expressions.

In all honesty, Lily had never much cared for Dahlia. She’d never disliked her, but she’d thought Dahlia flighty and naïve. As Remus gazed down at her sleeping form, Lily rethought her opinion. There was utter adoration in Remus’s eyes. It made Lily wonder if all these years what she’d seen as Dahlia’s weaknesses was really just kindness and purity. The kind of purity that was normally erased long before a person reached sixteen.

“I never told you what a good job you did with the auction,” Lily said quietly, so as not to disturb Dahlia. “You did a great job.”

“James deserves all the credit. It was his idea and his passion that brought it to life. I was just happy to help,” Remus said modestly.

“Yeah, James was pretty amazing,” Lily agreed, hoping the darkened sky would conceal what had to be an enormous blush on her cheeks. She couldn’t think about how passionately James spoke about raising awareness and helping others without feeling weak in the knees. He’d been magnificent in how much he cared.

“Did you visit Peter at all today?” Remus asked. When Lily shook her head, he said, “You should stop by with all of us later. Peter’s sure to be feeling down about missing Hogsmeade, and I think he enjoys your visits.”

“I’ll definitely come by, but I don’t know if all of us going together is a good idea,” Lily said cagily.

Remus raised an eyebrow to prompt her to explain. The reason for her hesitation was something that had been weighing on her mind for a while. She wasn’t sure if Remus would answer her questions about it, but she also knew she wouldn’t get a better opportunity to ask.

“It’s just…well, Sirius hates me, doesn’t he? I don’t want to make the visit awkward?” Lily said, biting her lip. “You wouldn’t happen to know…well, why, would you? We’ve never been friends, but it seems worse lately.”

“Why do you care?” Remus asked, expression unreadable.

An excellent question. She’d certainly never concerned herself with Sirius’s opinion of her before, but things were changing. Lily couldn’t deny that she felt upset whenever Sirius lashed out at her. Worse, she’d bizarrely felt like something of a failure whenever he coldly brushed her off. It mattered.

“James and I are mates now,” Lily said, relieved when Remus didn’t react like this was news to him. She was glad James wasn’t keeping their friendship a secret, even if Lily had only owned up to it herself that very morning. “If James has grown some…admirable qualities with age, I don’t see why Sirius wouldn’t have as well. It just seems right that I try to be friends with Sirius too.”

Remus stared at her, assessing, for a long time. The silence stretched on for so long, in fact, that she began to worry they’d arrive at Hogwarts with her question unanswered.

Finally, Remus did speak, staring out the window as he did so, “Sirius is very protective of the people he cares about. There aren’t many of them, but once you’re in, you’re _in_. And no one is more in than James.”

Lily wrinkled her nose as she tried to come to terms with the idea that was some kind of _threat_ to James. Because that was what Remus was implying. Sirius didn’t like Lily because he thought she could or would hurt James. Left unanswered was just how Sirius imagined Lily would do that. She and James were friends. Where was the threat?

“What does he think I’m going to do to James? Eat him?” Lily asked somewhat snottily.

“You turned down James a lot when we were younger,” Remus said. Lily opened her mouth to argue, but Remus plowed onward. “I’m not saying that was wrong. James is my friend, but he could be a git when he wanted to be. Git or no git though, you were never good for his ego. I don’t know anyone at Hogwarts who could make James question himself quite like you would.”

“Good! His head was so over inflated, I’m shocked he didn’t float away! Sirius should be thanking me for introducing him to reality,” Lily said.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Sirius _likes_ arrogant James. All he knows is that you can make James feel bad about himself, and you’ve been around a lot lately.”

“And Sirius better get used to it because I’m not going anywhere,” Lily said.

Remus was too clever not to read into that and studied Lily for a long time. A part of her didn’t even care if he worked out that she’d (maybe) developed feelings for James. Then, perhaps he’d recognize that she didn’t want James getting hurt either. They were all on the same James-is-kind-of-great team. He’d just better keep any revelations about her feelings to himself because Lily would die if James found out. She had no idea what she planned to do about him and she needed time to think.

“Any advice on how to prove to Sirius that I’m not out to ruin James’ life?” Lily asked hopefully.

“No.”

Right. Remus may have been the politest of the Marauders, but he was still a bloke. Interfering in his friends’ personal lives probably wasn’t his idea of a good time.

They arrived at Hogwarts where an eager Filch patted Remus down for forbidden items. He spared Lily the same treatment, chatting with her instead about how much he loathed Zonko’s and prank-obsessed miscreants. It was a rather good thing he did because Lily was laden down with contraband.

Feelings-schmeelings. She still had a bet to win.


	25. Oct 16: Of Discussions, Avoided & Forced

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy happy Friday! Two things I’ve really been waiting for in this chapter, so I’m delighted to be posting today. I hope everyone else enjoys it as much as I am (and feel free to drop a review if you do)!

**Oct. 15, 1977**

Getting Mary alone turned out to be harder than Lily had anticipated. There was just no way to ask to speak to Mary privately that didn’t look suspicious. And Lily tried. Asking for someone – ahem, Mary – to accompany her to the library turned into an outing for all of them, led by a very bouncy Shelia. Lily tried to corner Mary in the bathroom, but Alice pushed her way in to brush her teeth, and Lily was foiled again.

An epiphany struck Lily a quarter before curfew. The best strategy wasn’t to isolate Mary. No, the best way to go about things would be to send off the others. They were far easier targets.

Since her return from Hogsmeade, she’d focused on nothing but unleashing a bevy of mayhem upon the population of Hogwarts and cornering Mary. That night, she’d already released a dung bomb along the staircase leading to the Ravenclaw dormitories (a classless move that she was deeply ashamed of), stacked all of the chairs from the Gryffindor common room in the boys’ dormitories (a move only possible due to the sexist staircase situation and everyone’s being distracted by Hogsmeade), and short-sheeted the Marauders while she was at it because sometimes something was classic for a reason.

Her mind was already focused on the bet, it was only natural that she tried to combine the two areas of interest

“Girls, I need your help with one last prank for the night,” Lily announced. “It will require all your daring, all your moxy, but between the five of us, I think we can pull it off.”

They – all already dressed in their pajamas – stared up at her with big, bewildered eyes.

“What’s the plan?” Mary asked.

A superb question. Also a difficult one to answer as Lily hadn’t really gotten that far. The muses were kind though because inspiration struck in that moment, and Lily found herself getting excited for the prank even if it was only a decoy.

“We are going to start a dormitory-wide food fight!”

No one appeared properly enthused by Lily’s idea, groaning instead. After her rousing little opener, she’d been expecting cheering not jeering.

“Lil, it’s time for bed,” Marlene whined.

“There will be plenty of time to sleep when we’re all dead, McKinnon! It is a Saturday night. Bed schmed!” Lily barked. “Now, the food fight is on. The only question is whether you’ll be taking part in the most talked about prank of the _century_ , or will you be having a lie-in like my gran!”

It occurred to Lily that she rather sounded like James in his more fiery moments as a third-year trying to force everyone to mobilize behind one scheme or another.

Marlene winced like she still didn’t care for the idea, but started putting on her robes all the same. The real holdout was Shelia. If she kicked up enough of a fuss, the other girls would follow her lead.

Shelia had been in a strangely happy mood all day, however, and whatever generosity of spirit that had been possessing her before didn’t fail now. So, with a beleaguered sigh like it was the most terrible imposition in the world, Shelia said, “So what do you want us to do?”

While Lily’s motives were hardly pure, she found herself enthusiastically handing out their marching orders. Shelia, Alice, and Marlene were to corral the house elves into whipping up dozens – no! hundreds – of pies and sending them to Gryffindor Tower. They were to be of all types – lemon meringue, coconut, peach, apple – with plenty of whipped cream.

Lily and Mary would take responsibility for coordinating with the rest of Gryffindor and (most importantly for her real plan) cleanup. She argued that they were by far the best at Charms and could finish the quickest.

“You know, when you started this bet, I thought you’d go for little things. Like a dung bomb here or there. But oh no, not you! You have to inflict chaos on the rest of us,” Shelia said, yawning as she pulled on a pair of trousers.

“I want to _win_ ,” Lily said fiercely.

Shelia leaned back as if frightened of Lily’s ferocity, which took a lot of nerve as Shelia was every bit as competitive as Lily. And then they were off to the kitchens.

Mary started out the door to follow, but Lily blocked her path. Maybe she was acting a tad too mad as Mary raised _both_ her eyebrows, and she usually never resorted to raising more than one. It took a monumental scheme to sever Marlene’s barnacle-like grip on Mary, and these were desperate times.

“Listen, after the food fight, I need to talk to you alone. So make sure you ditch Marlene for cleanup, okay?” Lily ordered.

“Sure?” Mary said, bemused.

It was all Lily needed to hear. Clapping her hands, she skipped down the stairs to the Common Room. It wouldn’t do to enter the food fight in poor spirits. Best to leave the mystery of Mary and her fake boyfriend until later.

When Lily hopped up on a table to address her fellow Gryffindors, she was not met with happy faces. Her prank with the boys’ furniture evidently hadn’t been well-received. She knew, however, that they’d cheer up once they heard what she had planned.

Yes, a surprise food fight would have been epic. Lily could picture herself taking aim and just smearing Henrick Higgles in the face. Everyone would take a beat in shock before pandemonium would ensue. And Lily would be at the heart of it all.

The main issue with this plan was that, well, Gryffindors could be a hungry lot. There was no way stacks of pies could materialize in the Common Room and not be instantly devoured by her peers.

She was a little bit nervous, unsure of just how to rally her classmates. Giving talks never really bothered her when she had to do it as Head Girl, but that was in an official capacity. This was her just taking charge based on nothing but the force of her will. Everyone could simply ignore her. Turn their heads and continue chatting with their friends. Lily tried to picture how James always did it, the kind of enthusiasm he brought to even the silliest ideas that left everyone feeling as if they were a part of something special.

“Can I have everyone’s attention? I have an important announcement. Tonight…tonight, our house unity will be tested. Friendships will crumble. Lives will be upturned,” Lily began, finding that James’ signature theatrics actually came quite easily to her. “Because tonight, we go to war!”

Lily spotted James in the corner, gaping at her open-mouthed. As opportunistic as they come, Remus was using his distraction to move the chess pieces on the board between them. Lily sent James a quick wink.

“In a few minutes, elves will deliver pies, but these pies are not food. No, they are weapons! Throw them, hurl them, pelt them at your mates and enemies alike, because this war shall be waged with food. This war shall be a food fight!”

Murmurs of surprise erupted around her and then someone was clapping and more people joined them. It appeared that her rallying cry was a success. That or everyone just really liked the idea of a food fight.

Lily found she couldn’t stop laughing as she hopped off the table. She tried. Lord, knew she tried to put an end to the giggles, but it was impossible. She was just too funny! Now she knew what her future career should be too: commander in the military or motivational speaker. Anything where she got to shout orders at others and flail her arms around.

“This is not proper Head Girl behavior.”

Lily caught her breath just enough to turn around and see James hovering next to her before she lost herself to the levity again. He tsked at her fit of giggles, but she could tell he was amused.

“Were your dates that bad? They gave you a mental breakdown?” James asked sympathetically.

“No,” Lily gasped out. “They were fine. Err, well…my date with Erik was fine. I don’t think I’ll be seeing Adrian again. Rather scared the poor bloke off.”

“You can have that effect,” James nodded seriously.

Lily tried to scoff but she had started to hiccup and it rather ruined the effect. Her chest pulsed with each shake of her diaphragm and James looked terribly tickled by her struggles.

“That was some speech, Lily,” he complimented.

“I know! I think I’ve found my – hic – calling,” she agreed.

“We ought to hire you to fire us up before a big prank. You’ll have the fellas feeling like they’re pranking for home and country.”

“Please,” Lily drawled, flicking her hair over her shoulder. “You should hire me to plan and execute your pranks. I think I’ve proven I’m your superior by now. Don’t feel bad. I’m better than everyone.”

James looked skyward as if for divine patience. “We’ve got weeks left in this bet, Lily. Don’t go getting comfortable, shorty.”

Lily gave him her sweetest smile. There was a pie with James’ name on it and vengeance would literally taste sweet.

The pies began to arrive by the dozens then. The elves stacked them on every available surface. Lily flagged one down and instructed it to bring a few to the Hospital Wing for Peter. It wasn’t fair that he miss out on all the fun just because he was injured.

Then, there was nothing left to prepare. Nothing left to do, but fight.

All thoughts of going after James were erased when a pie cam soaring at her. Lily threw herself to the ground, knees scraping against the carpet. Her would-be-assailant was none other than Alice. Seemed she had some leftover aggression to work out.

Grinning evilly, Alice hefted an enormous banana cream in one hand and marched towards Lily’s prone form. Lily scrambled back but made contact with an armchair, which boxed her in. Her only escape was to make it around Alice’s approaching body, and the chances of that were slim.

Lily had all but given up hope when a pie was shoved directly into the side of Alice’s head. Laughing almost hysterically, Marlene gave it an extra push for good measure. Alice stood there blinking for a moment, unable to believe that Marlene had gotten the jump on her.

But then, Marlene fell prey to Sirius, who scooped her up from behind and held her off the floor. She shrieked and kicked her legs but he held on tight.

“Quick, Williams. Right in the face,” Sirius laughed.

“Gladly,” Alice smirked.

Marlene’s pleas for mercy were surprisingly answered as Alice took her pie and drove it into Sirius’s face instead. His mouth had been wide open, so he emerged with bits of pie dangling from his mouth and eyebrows painted white with whipped cream.

“This is war,” he growled, dropping Marlene gently as he went for his own pie.

Lily took advantage of their distraction to climb over the back of the arm chair and to relative safety – or safety from Alice at least. She spotted an unclaimed pie and had just picked it up when someone pulled open the back of her shirt and smeared a piece of pie down her back. It was sticky and cold against her bare skin, causing her to scream at the shock of it.

She spun around to see Dorcas Meadowes already sprinting away. Not one to take such an attack lying down, Lily took aim and fired her pie at Dorcas’s retreating form. It was a direct hit.

The first pieing was the toughest. After the first, Lily no longer cared whether she ended the fight with three layers of pie caked all over her body. Nothing scared her anymore.

Pretty quickly, the room divided up into teams, each claiming a couch as shelter from the barrage of pies that were sure to greet anyone without a solid barrier as cover. The de facto team leaders were James and Sirius simply because they kept barking orders at everyone else, and like helpless followers, they obeyed.

Crouched down where they were temporarily safe, Sirius directed his team on how to break into rotations to infiltrate James’ side. All first through fourth years were put on pie retrieval. The girls were ordered to edge around the far sides of the room. The boys were supposed to draw enemy fire by barreling straight down the middle.

“Evans, you have the most important job,” Sirius said, turning to her. “When you see James, do you think you could flash him? Then, I’ll get him with a pie while he’s out of it.”

“Excuse me?” Lily shrieked.

“Is that a no?”

Lily rammed her pie in his face and some of it got up his nose. While it was very satisfying, it also got her kicked off her team amid shouts that she was a traitor.

Timidly, she crawled out from behind the couch. Immediately, three pies came soaring towards her. She flung herself into a quick roll that she imagined must have looked quite cool and managed to avoid the worst of it though some cream did splatter on her trousers. After a wicked move like that, Lily thought her old team must have been regretting forcing her into exile.

Even with her killer evasion tactics, Lily never would have survived in the no-man’s-land between the two teams had James’ team not descended into complete turmoil. It appeared Remus wasn’t too happy being relegated to lieutenant and was leading a rebellion.

Soon pies were flying freely once more, regardless of whose side you were supposedly on, and nowhere was safe. Lily crawled, using her elbows to stay low to the ground, toward a treasure trove of unclaimed ammunition. Next to the pies sat a contented Dahlia and Elise Biggins who were casually sharing a slice of pecan as if World War Three hadn’t erupted around them. Wet pie innards clung to the thick, tangle that was Dahlia’s hair, but she appeared to have accepted the mess. Lily had never felt so thankful that she’d managed to avoid any direct assaults on her hair and her curls remained neat and dry.

Lily nabbed a pie for each hand and immediately threw one into a cluster of fifth years. While pelting unsuspecting students was undoubtedly fun, it didn’t compare to the satisfaction of pieing someone she knew and knew well. When the personal was added, it made her feel like some sort of pie-wielding goddess, raining down vengeance upon all who had wronged (i.e., bothered) her before. She raised her arm to lob the other because sometimes she had to settle but stopped when she saw James approaching with a pie of his own, expression promising nothing good.

“James, don’t you dare,” Lily warned, holding up a finger to ward him off. He kept walking closer undeterred and smile wicked. “I’m warning you. If you get that pie in my hair, there will be consequences.”

“What was that? You’d like me to shove this pie in your hair? Happy to oblige,” James taunted.

Lily held up her own pie threateningly, but it was a bluff. He was already covered everywhere but his face and his reflexes were too damn good. He would have no trouble dodging a direct attack.

“Hey, Lily, want to hear a joke?” he called.

Lily turned tail and ran. She’d made it maybe four paces before she felt a strong arm slide around her stomach to hold her in place. She wriggled desperately, but her body was dragged backwards into his own anyway. This was rather like being pied in and of itself as his body was covered in pie residue. She shivered against him as whipped cream soaked through her blouse.

“Why did the pie go to the healer?” James whispered into her ear.

She cast her eyes about for an escape. There had to be something, some savior, who could rescue her from this joke-telling, pie-wielding menace.

“Because it was feeling crummy.”

Then, the pie was plopped unceremoniously onto the crown of her head. For good measure, James put both of his hands on the bottom crust and pressed so that the pie collapsed in on itself and into Lily’s hair. She stood speechless, feeling the weight of an entire pie compressed in on itself. Chunks cascaded off her head and to the floor.

“It was feeling crummy?” Lily whispered dangerously.

She jabbed her elbow into his gut with more force than was strictly necessary. James released her with a groaned “fuck” and Lily turned on him. He quickly gripped her by the forearms to prevent her from pieing him and since he had long arms like a goddamn orangutan, he managed to hold her off pretty effectively. Frustrated, Lily put more strength into her attempts, but he held her back.

Remus and Alice took notice of their gridlocked state and took the opportunity to bombard them both. Pie after pie collided with Lily’s back and left side, but she never stopped grappling with James, just screaming at each chocolately collision that she couldn’t prevent.

“James! Just give up!” Lily yelled.

“Pfft! Give up? I’m winning!” James shouted back.

“Okay, on the count of three, we both let go. Ready? One, two, three.”

Neither lessened their attack for even a second. A sorry testament to what happened when there was a lack of trust between friends.

Suddenly, Lily gasped, eyes widening in her amazement, “Peter?”

James’ head whipped around to see his friend. A rookie mistake he should be deeply ashamed of as he knew Peter had a few more weeks of recovery before he could leave the Hospital Wing.

His grip slackened just enough that Lily was able to free her hand and smash a fist-full of pie into his face. She took her time, really smearing it in. His look of disgust while covered in chocolate was too much for her, and Lily started to laugh uproariously.

“You think that’s funny, do you?” he demanded.

James leaned in and nuzzled his pie-crusted cheek along hers, transferring the gooey insides onto her. She whipped her head back and forth to try to dislodge him, and that set him off laughing too.

Then, they were terribly close to one another, and James had that look in his eye again. It was a look that was becoming familiar to Lily. The same look from the other day outside the Ravenclaw dormitories. Lily still wasn’t certain, but she thought it was the look of a boy thinking about kissing her.

Which would put him in good company as Lily was thinking about kissing him too.

Who moved first was a question Lily would be asking herself later that night, but it hardly mattered. Feeling euphoric and covered in pie chunks, Lily and James shared their first real, neither-of-us-can-pass-this-off-on-alcohol, kiss.

They kissed one another, soft and slow, lips slippery with cream. James tongue snuck out to get a taste, trailing along her lower lip before darting back into his mouth. It almost broke the moment – that he had just tried to get a taste of pie mid-kiss – but only almost.

Because then his tongue was back and teasing the corner of her lips and it had nothing to do with dessert. Her hands grasped his shoulders to anchor herself as she found herself unexpectedly light-headed. He moved on to placing firm, quick kisses on her mouth and every time he pulled back, her head leaned after him, chasing him for more.

Fed up, Lily gripped the back of his hair, hands becoming messy as his hair had not fared well in the battle, and pulled him in hard. Now, he didn’t pull back at all. Their lips moved gently, everything tentative and new, but they were melded together and neither was trying to pull away. His tongue came out again, wet and seeking, and Lily was just about to open her mouth to let it explore to his heart’s content, when reality came crashing down.

“Golly, you don’t see that every day,” murmured Elise to a wide-eyed Dahlia.

Lily reared back, feeling every bit as if she was just waking up from a dream. James didn’t appear nearly as bothered at having an audience, but sent them an irritated look when he realized Lily was putting an end to their snogging because of it. Actually, Lily was unaccustomed to seeing James give anyone such a dirty look that didn’t wear a green-and-silver tie.

The rest of Gryffindor was so engaged in their war that they didn’t appear to have noticed the two Heads making out by the corner. Or at least Lily assumed so as she rather thought her and James kissing would be the kind of monumental event that brought everything screeching to a halt. Lily could only thank her lucky stars for that as she couldn’t handle warding off everyone’s questions right then, and, while Elise wasn’t known for her ability to keep her mouth shut, Dahlia was a sweetheart who would encourage her friend to keep at least relatively quiet.

“Lily, let’s go find somewhere to talk,” James urged, running a hand over her arm. He seemed like he was trying to calm someone down, voice mellow and lilting, though whether it was her or himself she couldn’t tell.

“I want to. I really want to,” Lily said honestly because they had a lot that needed to be sorted. She had no idea where he stood on things, whether he had any feelings for her, and her grasp on her own emotions wasn’t much better. But…“But, I have to talk to Mary.”

“Mary?” James said in disbelief. A hint of annoyance crept into his expression.

“It’s really important.”

“Seriously?” he demanded and now he looked genuinely angry.

To him, it probably looked like she was running away, and, perhaps, there was an element of that there when she considered that she didn’t have the first idea what she would say to him if they did slip away to talk. Being a good mate was more important though. Everything had been staged so she could talk to Mary and to toss it all aside for a bloke would be unforgivable.

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” Lily promised.

“You expect me to believe that?” James said, sounding mildly disgusted.

“You have no reason not to.”

Lily didn’t have a track record of running away from confrontations where James was concerned. If she said they’d talk, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable the subject matter, they would talk. To start avoiding him now with their shared Head responsibilities and classes, would be an impossibility. And James knew it. So while he continued to look positively mutinous at her refusal to run off with him, James reluctantly nodded his agreement.

There wasn’t much fun for either of them after that. The food fight was far from over, but neither of them were able to commit to the war like they had before. James made a decent effort, managing to pie his mates several more times before the battle was over, but anyone could tell he was distracted. To the many Gryffindors that had missed the kiss and subsequent fallout moments before, it must have seemed like a world-ending omen: James Potter sulking during a food fight was unnatural by anyone’s definition.

Lily didn’t bother at all. For the rest of the fight she sat with Elise and Dahlia, both of whom swore they’d keep their mouths shut, and watched the battle unfold. While Lily had always found Elise grating, she had to admit that she wasn’t terrible company and she was relatively confident that Elise wouldn’t tell the whole school by tomorrow morning. It would spread a little, a rumor amongst the Gryffindor sixth year girls, but that would be it.

Just because Lily chose to sit the rest of the fight out didn’t mean she was exempt from participating. The downfall of instituting anarchy was that it was one Pandora’s Box that she couldn’t simply close because she was done with it. Every few minutes, a “friend” would come by and launch a pie straight at her face. Lily quickly learned with Alice that as long as she didn’t try to dodge, taking the pie with muted acceptance, then the assailant would become bored and move on.

Lily had only commissioned so many pies, so the supplies began to dwindle after less than forty-five minutes. It was kind of appalling how much mess could be generated in such a short period of time. Mildly amused, Lily watched as Remus hefted the final pie, taking his time to really scope out his possible targets, and then send it hurtling at Sirius. The squelching sound as Sirius peeled the pie off his jumper announced the end of the food fight.

A race of sorts occurred immediately after where everyone stampeded the dormitories in the hopes of securing the showers. A cleansing spell would be enough to remove the pie residue, true, but there was something far more satisfying about standing under the beating waterfall of water. Magical plumbing had its downsides though, so the hot water was limited, and everyone was desperate. Lily didn’t bother joining the fray, walking towards the middle of the common room to join her friends instead.

“It’s not fair! How are you so _clean_?” Marlene moaned.

It took Lily a moment to realize Marly wasn’t talking to her, as she was nowhere close to clean. Instead her comment was directed at Mary. Somehow, Mary had managed to avoid the pie slaughter, and her uniform remained dry and neatly pressed. The difference between her and the rest of them was comical. Lily was hard pressed to decide who was the messiest of the lot until she saw Sirius trudging back to his dorm – he was only identifiable by his hair as his face was caked over with pie cream, leaving only two holes for eyes.

“Because I’m dry and logical, which most people read as terrifying,” Mary said matter-of-factly.

Marlene hmpfed, “You’re about as scary as a clown.”

“People find clowns horrifying,” Mary said.

“Stupid people. They’re literally just funny actors trying to cheer you up and make you laugh. What’s scary about that?” Marlene argued.

“Not everyone is as fearless as you,” Mary said.

Marlene beamed. “Absolutely right. I’m a lion, through and through. In fact…”

Unaffected by the invisible force field of superiority that seemed to always surround Mary and scare their classmates off, Marlene leapt towards her best friend. There was a brief tussle in which Mary tried to scramble away from her friend’s questing hands, but it was no use. Bigger and more determined, Marlene was able to overpower Mary, smudging her dirty hands along Mary’s cheeks. Now that she was caught, Mary didn’t put up a fight, standing still and resigned as her perfectly kept appearance was sullied.

“Now you’re pretty just like me,” Marlene cooed happily.

“You should go take a shower before the hot water is used up,” Mary directed, her lips twitching into a smile at Marlene’s antics.

“I can wait for you,” Marlene offered easily.

It was a foregone conclusion that she would wait for Mary. Marlene would cheerfully wait for Mary in a rainstorm, a blizzard, a typhoon. Always comforted by the fact that Mary would return the favor three-fold.

Habit was a difficult thing to break. Enough so that as Mary took a thoughtless step in Marlene’s direction, Lily thought Mary would forget entirely about her urging from before. As much fun as the food fight had been, it would be wasted if she didn’t get Mary alone. Making it obvious that she wanted to speak to Mary privately would only send Marlene into a bout of consuming curiosity though, so Lily had to limit herself to sending an ambiguous look at the side of Mary’s golden head and hoping Mary would understand her meaning.

She did, waving Marlene off to take her shower amid a few soft jibes about Marlene starting to stink of rotten fruit. Not remotely suspicious, Marlene swanned off, leaving the two roommates alone to clean the common room and, more importantly, talk.

Lily wasn’t sure how to start. After casting a quick charm on herself so that she didn’t dirty the room further as she tried to clean it, they set to work. Cleaning didn’t do much to bolster Lily’s courage. Efficiently casting vanishing charms, Mary’s demeanor didn’t exactly invite a heart-to-heart. Rather it seemed more like she wanted to get this over with quickly so that she could return to her bed.

It was in moments like this that Lily felt she hardly knew Mary at all. Six years they’d roomed together, yet she still didn’t know how to approach Mary. Lily couldn’t predict how she’d react to ideas or discussions, the mundane or the serious. Mary was a constant presence in her life, a glib constant that never fell to the others’ level, but she remained separate in a way that Lily had never really considered before.

“Thanks for helping out,” Lily began. “It’s terribly nice of you, but that’s no surprise. You’re always doing nice things for people.”

Mary shot her an incredulous look because that was far from the truth. She wasn’t an unkind person, but Mary didn’t interest herself in other people’s business enough to do them favors. There were far better adjectives with which to describe her than ‘nice.’

“Adrian was telling me about a nice thing you do for Ian,” Lily said cagily. She wasn’t sure why she was drawing it out. Maybe because announcing she knew Mary’s secret seemed ugly somehow, a violation even though they were the only ones in the common room.

“Adrian talks too much,” Mary said stiffly.

“And you don’t talk enough! You’ve been lying for nearly two years!”

Like that Lily abandoned any hint of feigned disinterest. She was hurt.

“It’s none of your business. Just forget about it,” Mary said coldly.

“I would except I consider you a friend, though I’m starting to doubt you return the feeling. God, Mary! Friends don’t keep secrets like this!” Lily accused, barely managing to keep her voice down.

“Of all our friends, you have the least room to judge,” Mary scoffed.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Really? None of us ever know what’s going on with you, Lily. You’re in a terrible mood? You’ll never tell us what happened. The reason you fought with Alice? A big secret. Something clearly happened with Snape that you’re hiding and don’t get me started on James,” Mary said.

Laid out like that, it all looked pretty damning, but she was just hiding things for now because her life always seemed to be outpacing her. Spinning out of her control. Once she caught up, she’d tell her friends everything.

Well, some things at least.

“This is different, and you know it,” Lily said.

And it was different because there was something bigger going on here. The question of why a girl would knowingly date a gay boy had been on her mind the whole evening. The choice seemed incomprehensible. Except, niggling at the back of her mind, Lily knew the answer. Murky and intangible, an idea was starting to take shape that would explain everything. It wasn’t that terribly hard to figure out at all.

Cleaning up the Common Room was providing the perfect excuse for Mary to avoid eye contact, busying herself in corners of the room, so Lily gave up. The mess would still be there when they finished talking, she decided. Lily sat down heavily on the couch, wet trousers squelching loudly. Resigned, Mary did the same.

“I’ll tell you a secret, if you tell me one,” Lily offered. Mary was tensed up like she was about to take a dive into a swimming pool. What they needed was reciprocity so that Mary could relax.

There wasn’t exactly a shortage of secrets between them, but Lily thought sharing her kiss with James was a good choice. These were the types of events that friends were supposed to tell each other. Keeping it a secret was silly, she insisted to herself.

“I kissed…Sev,” Lily blurted out instead. She’d had every intention of opening up about James but her mouth refused to cooperate. It knew, rational or not, that her budding relationship with James was too personal. She wasn’t ready to hear how other people would view it. What if they saw their situation differently and suddenly everything was dark and horrible when before it had been shiny and exciting?

Her week long tryst with Sev was no less personal, however, and Lily was already regretting the words. Nose wrinkled in distaste, Mary didn’t need to say what she thought of this revelation for Lily to know. She’d always known what her friends would think.

“When?” Mary asked.

“There was a week towards the end of the summer, where we, you know…” Lily widened her eyes meaningfully.

“Oh, Lily,” Mary sighed. It was a declaration that implied Lily was always getting herself into the worst situations, which she couldn’t exactly argue. “What do you want me to say?”

Feeling mortified, Lily said, “I just want you to feel like you can tell me things. Though if you also wanted to validate my decisions, I wouldn’t mind.”

“You want me to say I approve of you snogging Snape?”

“Um…yes?”

“You don’t need to keep putting him first. He’s made his decisions, and you can’t keep hoping to save him, Lily,” Mary said instead. “Knowing that doesn’t make you a bad friend.”

Lily was unclear on what this had to do with anything. Kissing Sev had been selfish of her. Mary couldn’t just twist it into a story of Lilly being virtuous. And as to the point about not being able to save him, well, Mary clearly underestimated just how much Lily meant to him.

Friendship was supposed to exalt you. Lily had not doubt that hers would do just that for Sev. After all, they’d been kids back in fifth year when Lily hadn’t been able to stop Sev’s descent into dark magic. Now, smarter and with a newfound maturity, Lily could, no, _would_ , save him.

“I was just lonely,” Lily said and this admission felt a thousand times more private than any talk of kisses ever could.

Mary stared forward, silent. Lily couldn’t tell what she was thinking.

Lily was growing increasingly worried that even after her confession, she would have to prompt Mary to reciprocate with a story of her own, when Mary spoke again. “I consider you my friend, Lily. The same with Shelia and Alice, but…sometimes I think that I could walk away, live in a cave and never have any contact with the outside world. I could do that and not miss you, not miss anyone. Except Marlene.”

A charge of something frightening zipped through Lily. Questions that she didn’t like to consider about what would happen with her friends after they no longer had Hogwarts to unite them came to the forefront of her mind. She had friends, but did she have _friends_? Who were the people in her life she could never replace? The ones whose leaving would tear holes in her heart never to be filled again?

“Do you remember when we became friends?” Mary asked. “Third year, Marly decided she wanted a group of friends. It was time to be brave and overcome her shyness. Meet new people. That’s why we started talking to you more, spending more time together.”

Thinking back, Lily couldn’t quite remember when Mary stopped just being a girl she shared a dormitory with and became a fixture in her life. Third year sounded about right. There had been no big drama, no decisions made on her part. Seemingly one day she was in a group of three and the next Mary and Marlene had joined them, a limb she’d never known was missing.

“Yeah, I remember,” Lily agreed.

Looking almost wistful, Mary said. “Before that it was always just me and her. We never needed anyone else.”

Hearing Mary describe her relationship with Marlene felt terribly private. It was like seeing them naked somehow. They’d been so impenetrable before they’d all become friends. During first year, Marlene had hardly spoken any English, the words she did know spilling out choppy and broken. Eleven-years-old, the girls hadn’t known how to be her friend, how to communicate. They’d been nice, but they’d been distant.

Mary had always been at her side, helping with incomprehensible classwork and sitting together at meal times. Lily couldn’t imagine the kind of intensity such isolation must have created between them.

Delicately, Lily placed a freckled hand on Mary’s tiny wrist and said, “You know, Marlene isn’t going to think less of you if there’s a _reason_ you’ve been pretending to date Ian.”

A beat passed in which Lily congratulated herself on her sensitive handling of the situation, but then Mary started giggling. Mary pressed the heel of her hand to her mouth to suppress the sound, but it was futile, her laughter escaping around the edges and releasing loudly in the room. Her eyes didn’t match her laughter.

“Of course, she wouldn’t,” Mary huffed out. “I’m not worried about Marlene finding out I’m a lesbian.”

“Oh…well, I just thought…” Lily stuttered. After all that build up, Mary’s casual admission had thrown her off balance. If that wasn’t the secret, then Lily wasn’t sure what was.

Taking pity on Lily’s confused state, Mary explained, “Same-gender dating isn’t taboo in the wizarding world like it is for muggles. No one here would think twice if I announced I like snogging girls, except maybe a few muggleborns. And I already know Marlene wouldn’t care.”

“I don’t mind either,” Lily felt compelled to say.

Mary gave her a patronizing look and patted her hand placatingly.

“So, what’s the problem?” Lily asked.

“People always think I protect Marlene. They don’t realize it goes both ways,” Mary said.

“And?”

“And how did you feel when you found out Snape was in love with you?” Mary asked harshly.

Trapped. Guilty. Bitter.

Life had been so much better when love was outside the equation. Being loved by her best friend, a boy whose feelings she knew she would never return, had been awful. So awful, in fact, that Lily had continued denying Sev had feelings for her long after it became unrealistic for her to go on pretending.

There was a lot wrong with their friendship besides that, but it had been a factor. How could she act naturally around him when she knew he was unsatisfied with what she was willing to give him? Long nights had been spent with her anxiously questioning whether she could force herself to fancy him, learn to love him.

“Guilty,” Lily said shortly.

“Exactly. Now imagine how Marlene would feel,” Mary said miserably. “She’d do anything for me. Even pretend to be something she’s not. I will never let her do that. Not for me or for anyone else. You see, I’d do anything for her, including pretending to be something I’m not.”

“Oh, Mary,” Lily said.

This was likely competing for the most heartbreaking thing she’d ever heard. Love was supposed to be selfless, but Lily hadn’t realized just how painful it could be to put another person first. Marlene and Mary loved each other as much as any two people Lily had ever met, and they both loved each other in the wrong way.

There was no advice she could offer that would be welcome. Mary didn’t need to know that Marlene loved her as she already knew that, and any kind words from Lily wouldn’t solve the problem.

With nothing to say, Lily held onto her hand. They didn’t let go for a long time.


	26. Oct 16: Of Meetings, Friendly & Professional

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So big shift this chapter in terms of format. Up until now, for weeks 1 and 2 of the bet, each day has been split between two chapters and then a POV shift. With everything so established at this point, I don’t think each day needs to be drawn out into 12,000+ words.
> 
> With a few exceptions (I already know Oct. 21st is going to be split over 3 chapters), each chapter will cover a day and then the next chapter will have a POV shift. There’s still plenty of time left in the story, so it doesn’t signal the end by any means, but it does mean the pace in certain areas is going to pick up a bit.

**Oct. 16, 1977**

James wasn’t avoiding Lily per se (though some would argue his decision to write his Transfiguration essay behind Hagrid’s hut instead of in the library constituted hiding). He was just fairly certain Lily would be avoiding him for the near future, and it was easier on his pride to pretend he was equally disinterested.

Focusing on classwork was next to impossible though when every time he blinked red hair flashed across his mind’s eye like a beacon. He was starting to think Lily must have some vela ancestry hidden down her line because it was the only explanation for why he was so fixated on one – not even particularly good, mind you – kiss. Forgetting about their drunk snog except for the occasional wank had been effortless because as hot as it was, he’d been blitzed out of his mind. The kiss that haunted him now had been unbelievably chaste by anyone’s standards. He should have already forgotten about it

And it wasn’t like he was feeling particularly fond of Lily at the moment either. She ran away.

She ran away and left him, pie-soaked and yearning. A snog may have seemed like a big development from back in fifth year when she hadn’t had so much as a smile for him, but he knew nothing had really changed. She was still the one walking away. The only difference was, this time, he refused to be the clueless prat chasing after her.

James was saved from mindlessly flipping through the pages of his textbook – who he was trying to fool he had no idea – by the arrival of Sirius. He plopped down at James’ side, back propped against the hut. Immediately, James could tell something was off about him. His eyes were too guarded. The tension of hiding something from James – the most unnatural act in the world – was plain on his face no matter how much Sirius tried to school his features into a more neutral expression.

“Alright, Sirius?” James said, half greeting and half legitimate question.

“Alright. Just fancied a smoke,” Sirius said.

He produced a pack from his robes and wordlessly offered one to James. They sat in silence for a moment, each enjoying their initial drag.

“Long way to come for a smoke,” James said eventually.

Hagrid’s hut wasn’t visible from the castle. Sirius would have needed to search for James on the map and then walk ten minutes, six at a run, down to the hut to join him. A lot of work for a traditional smoke break.

“Didn’t want you sitting out here all alone. You’re becoming right isolationist. It’s enough to make a bloke worry,” Sirius said with a casual scratch of his armpit that failed to convince James whatsoever.

James kept silent. He wasn’t going to poke and prod until Sirius fessed up. When something truly mattered, James knew how to keep his mouth shut. Sirius had found him for a reason. He’d talk when he was ready.

As a lover of magical creatures of all kinds, the fenced off pen near Hagrid’s hut was often employed to contain whatever creatures the CMC class was studying at any given time. James watched with faint amusement as three crups bounded back and forth, leaping over each other and pawing at ground. One was young enough that it still had a dual tail, wagging eagerly at the fun, the very picture of innocence. It reminded James a fair bit of Sirius in his animagus form.

“Hear from your parents lately?” Sirius asked.

James shrugged. “You know Mum writes every Monday, and we haven’t been in school long enough for my dad to write. I reckon he’ll get around to it by the end of the month.”

Sirius shredded a blade of grass between his fingers, and James waited.

Finally, “I got a letter from my mum today.”

It was hard to breathe, to not launch into a rant on the spot about the nerve of Mrs. Black trying to reach out to Sirius after all this time. She hadn’t written to him in nearly two years.

Instead, he said as indifferently as possible, “What’d it say?”

“Dunno. I haven’t opened it yet.”

Sirius pulled out the letter and dropped it to the ground between them. He eyed it warily like it might transfigure into his overbearing mother at any moment. James could make out the Black insignia on the letter and Walburga Black’s handwriting on the label – theatrical to the point of being practically illegible.

“Do you want me to read it? Let you know if it’s trash or not?” James offered.

“I already know I should bin it. Don’t need you to tell me that,” Sirius snorted. “I mean, what could she possibly have to say?”

You won’t know unless you read it, James thought. Only, he didn’t want Sirius to read it. He wanted to set that damned letter on fire and Obliviate Sirius’s memories of it so he never again had to worry about his family. Sirius wasn’t wrong – nothing good could be in that letter.

“Will you hold onto it for me?” Sirius asked. “I don’t want you to read it, just…take it off my hands for a few hours.”

James stuffed it into the pocket of his robes, quick as a Cleansweep Ultra. “What letter?”

Sirius smiled though it didn’t reach his eyes. James imagined his own smile was equally disingenuous.

“I think I’m going to ask McKinnon to go out with me. Something more regular,” Sirius said.”

James stared straight ahead and didn’t respond. He’d seen Marlene and Sirius together – glimpsed them a few times during their Hogsmeade date – and they seemed inexplicably in good spirits whenever they were in each other’s company. The timing was all off though.

At James’ silence, Sirius continued almost defensively. “She’s cute, a Gryffindor, a good listener, and she comes from a nice family.”

There it was. Marlene’s family.

Sirius may have truly liked Marlene, but he was only asking her out because she was a muggleborn and he had something to prove. It had been less than two days since his fight with Regulus – the outcome of which he had yet to share – and now his mother had reentered the picture.

Sirius was reactionary, never one to take something lying down. And he loved nothing more than a grand fuck you. There would be no better way to respond to his mum’s letter than to let her find out through the never quiet pureblood gossip chain that her eldest son was serious about a muggleborn.

“Your mum won’t like that,” James said mildly. It wasn’t a warning.

“No, she won’t. She’ll tear so much of her hair out she’ll have to buy a wig,” Sirius said, with a tilt of his lips. “She’s always done that whenever we frustrate her. The summer I left for good, she plucked at her eyebrows so much that they practically disappeared.”

Neither of them laughed at the gruesome imagery. James knew Sirius wasn’t exaggerating. Anxious and histrionic, Walburga really would tear clumps out of her own hair while her family watched on appalled. Sirius looked faraway, lost in memories of a time when he was young, unable to stop his mother from hurting herself. Late one night, Sirius had confessed to James that he sometimes lay awake haunted, questioning whether his mother’s self-harm got better after he ran away, like he was some kind of sickness that had corrupted her mind, or if it had worsened, whether the loss of him had reduced her to scratching through skin, nails dirty with her pure, pure blood. Evil bitch or not, she was still his mother, and that had to hurt.

None of this sounded fair to Marlene, but James wasn’t going to lecture him about it. It wasn’t his job to make Sirius decent, and he didn’t want it to be. They would never judge each other. Never scold each other. That was the deal.

James knew if he started explaining the mess he’d gotten himself into with Lily, Sirius would return the favor. James wouldn’t be sharing because they were long past the age where they stayed up late talking about girls they fancied, but he knew he could and have Sirius’s unquestioning support. James owed him the same.

“She a good shag?” James asked to break the dark atmosphere that had descended upon them.

“My mum?” Sirius gasped, hand clasped to his chest dramatically.

“McKinnon, you git.”

Grinning wickedly, Sirius said, “I’ll let you know when I find out.”

And while nothing was resolved, it felt better to pretend: to pretend that the worst of their worries was getting into a girl’s knickers and that the world was going to keep on spinning in their favor.

 

James visited Peter after lunch. His day thus far had been at times boring and at times depressing, and he knew that an hour at the Hospital Wing was not going to reverse that trend. Pete was right miserable these days. Telling him about how he’d missed out on a dormitory-wide food fight didn’t do much to cheer him either.

Despite all of the breaks and tumbles they’d endured over the years, this was the first time that one of the Marauders had been bed bound for more than three days (that came when Sirius, a little overzealous during a Quidditch pickup game, had sent a bludger straight into the back of Moony’s skull), and James was unused to having to endure the wretched Hospital Wing every day for hours at a time. The truth was, he was bored of it all, but he also knew a good friend would stay by Peter’s side.

Peter just had nothing to _say_. His world was narrowed to his bed curtains and Madame Pomfrey. Nothing was happening in his life so he had nothing to report. He didn’t have any passions that he could drone on about for hours, so that was a dead end, and he didn’t get any visitors other than the Marauders and apparently Lily. All Peter did with his day was read campy romance novels recommended by Marlene and whine about his physical therapy.

Had the injured been Sirius or Remus, James knew everything would have been easier. They’d find something to talk about. You could lock Sirius in a windowless room for six years and he’d still come out loud and obnoxious with some story.

Really thinking about it, James supposed they did most of the talking around Peter. While the rest of them had their own varied interests and friends, independent of one another, Peter’s sense of self was entirely limited to being a Marauder. He spent most of his time talking about them, laughing with them, reminiscing with them. Cut off from that, conversation didn’t come easy for him. Choking on the oppressive atmosphere of the Hospital, James didn’t do much to carry the conversation in his stead.

They’d decided as a group that they’d start taking shifts to visit Peter rather than all going at once. That way Peter would have at least three hours of company a day and none of them would have to endure him for that long.

James winced at his thoughts. _Endure_ was never a word he should use when thinking about spending time with one of his best mates.

Today though, James was visiting Peter with a purpose. Peter was the only one James felt he could turn to for advice (well, less advice more a sympathetic ear) about Lily. After all, Peter had been the one he talked to about their first kiss a week ago. Remus was all rainbows and true love now that he was with Dahlia, so he’d be too quick to start pushing James to follow his feelings, and Sirius was having issues to put it lightly. The natural choice was Peter. (Besides, he’d feel like a prat pining after a girl to anyone but Peter).

As James filled Peter in on the events of the night before, Peter listened with a pinched face and downcast eyes. A few times during James retelling, he winced or clenched his fists. James felt a little guilty for burdening him with his problems when Peter was clearly in so much pain.

“So, what do you think?” James asked when he was finished.

A part of him was hoping that Peter would reassure him he was mad and that Lily was dying to fall into his arms and bed. Maybe all of his insecurities from their past were irrational. If anyone would know, it would be Peter.

He was to be disappointed.

“I think Lily’s made herself pretty clear, don’t you?” Peter said shortly.

James disagreed. He thought there was nothing clear about Lily’s behavior over the past two weeks.

“You’ve been down this road before,” Peter said sternly. “She doesn’t want you –” James winced so Peter hastened to add, “– and I’m only telling you this because I’m worried about you. I don’t want you to be embarrassed in front of the whole school because she’s rejected you again. Do you have any idea what people will say?”

James rolled his eyes. “It’s not like I care about any of that.”

Legacy was important to James. Too often his dad would talk about how the reputation he’d built for himself at Hogwarts had translated into opportunities down the line. Being perceived as powerful, well-liked, would open doors for James. He may not have known what door he wanted to open, but he wanted the choice.

All of that was not going to fall apart just because one girl didn’t fancy him. Sure, he’d spent his time bitterly bemoaning how Lily’s rejections had made him look, but those moments only passed when he was feeling weak. For the most part, he gave fuck all for the opinions of others. They weren’t going to forget that he’d been funny and popular and the star of the Quidditch team and Head Boy and a thousand other accomplishments he’d cultivated over the years just because Lily Evans didn’t want to fuck him. Frankly, the rejection, the one thing he could never have, served to humanize him.

Peter plowed on unmercifully, “She’s told you exactly what she thinks of you. Lily thinks you’re a ‘toerag’, an ‘arsehole,’ ‘the bane of her existence.’”

“A ‘blight upon all of wizarding kind,’” James chimed in, remembering the argument in Astronomy that had earned him that moniker back in fourth year.

“Exactly,” Peter said, nodding his head approvingly. “There are plenty of girls that don’t think you’re the most obnoxious wizard alive. Go shag one of them and forget about Lily because she’s never _ever_ going to want you.”

“You’re right, Pete,” James agreed.

“I often am,” Peter smiled, looking happy for the first time that afternoon.

It wasn’t the answer he wanted, but Peter was his friend, not his cheerleading squad. If he’d wanted his ego stroked, he would have wrote his mum. Honesty was the currency of friendship, and he’d be a fool to ignore Peter just because the answer made his chest ache.

And ache it did, the raw wound of potential gone to waste. The same twinge he felt when Garth Baker, seeker for the national team, broke his arm in the first ten minutes of his first match and had to be benched. The reason his heart soared with relief after it was reported that in the death eater attack on the Pipston family the only deaths had been amongst the centenarian crowd. The loss of something before it ever began, something that he knew would have been good, as natural as breathing, was the worst kind of waste.

The rest of his visit went pretty well by all standards. Peter was practically cheerful, and he listened with rapt attention as James talked about the food fight, giving blow-by-blows of how his army had almost destroyed Sirius’s. When it was time to do his therapy, Peter managed to do most of it without whinging and thanked James for taking the time to help.

James realized that Peter was right. He ought to surround himself with people who recognized how fantastic he was. Like Peter. An hour with him and he felt confident enough to take on the world. Lily had no place in that. By the hundredth time he’d thought it, it even managed to stop sounding like a lie.

 

“You have to promise to be impartial. No giving her all the points just because you want to take the piss out of me,” James pleaded.

He was in the dormitory with Remus and Sirius, and they were minutes from heading down to the common room to meet with the girls and discuss who was winning the bet so far. Even though having them judge the pranks had been his idea, James was feeling pretty wary about his decision. The two of them were looking far too eager, smirking and knocking shoulders in anticipation, for James to think they weren’t just waiting for the chance to cut him down.

In all honesty, James didn’t actually care that much. He was only begging and pretending to be concerned because it was the part that he knew his friends wanted him to play. They’d have more fun giving him a hard time if he seemed bothered by it, and James was happy to let them have their fun.

The bet had kind of stopped mattering to him somewhere along the line. He liked to win, but he wasn’t an idiot. He knew what his real priorities ought to be, and winning against Lily was a lot less important than surviving Lily with his pride intact.

He’d have called the whole thing off altogether if he’d thought for a second that Lily would allow it. (James knew in no uncertain terms that she wouldn’t). Their wager had been surprisingly fun. He hadn’t had to sacrifice his time with his friends or spend too many hours studying. Someday, he imagined he’d look back and have fond memories of the entire thing, but things were quickly spinning out of control, and it was time to put the brakes on things.

Downstairs, the girls were already sitting around the fireplace. As they passed, Sirius reached out and ruffled Marlene’s hear, leaving her tousled and blushing. Their Hogsmeade date must have done wonders for their relationship because, in spite of the blush, she managed to greet him in a clear, distinct voice, not ducking away when he smiled at her.

The boys settled in on the couch opposite the girls. The entire thing felt very segregated, like they were on opposing teams. Boys versus girls.

He tried not to stare at Lily too much and in doing so overcompensated and ended up not looking at Lily at all. In a twist, he felt her stare burning into the side of his face as he tried to turn all of his attention to Remus.

“So, I guess I’ll be the one to get this started,” Shelia announced. “I have fuck all idea what we’re doing here.”

“Well, Lily and James need impartial judges to decide who’s winning the bet and decide any questions that have arisen,” Remus said blandly.

“See, that’s what I don’t get. What questions? And Lily’s obviously winning. That food fight last night was brill,” Shelia said.

Sirius made a strangled sound in the back of his throat. “Obviously? You’re supposed to be impartial here!”

“And I _impartially_ recognized that Lily’s been bringing it,” Shelia said with plenty of bite.

Before things could turn into a whose-dick-is-bigger contest between Shelia and Sirius (a fight that James wasn’t sure his mate would win), Remus held up a hand to silence them. The suggestion on the table was that they start by reviewing Lily’s combined pranks over the past two weeks, while James and Lily focused on compiling a list of questions or concerns they wanted to discuss. Remus’s idea was met with enthusiasm by Lily who had come more than prepared for their meeting and promptly produced a chronological list of all her pranks to date. In neat print beside each, she’d categorized it by type and number of students effected.

Cramming together on the crouch so they could all see, the three boys bent over the proffered sheet of parchment. Lily’s writing was tiny and precise so Sirius perched his chin on James’ shoulder to get a better look.

 _Singing Charm in Transfiguration (Week 1)_  
Thestral in the Great Hall (Week 1)  
Balding Potion on James (Week 1)  
Itching Power in Slytherin Qudditch Team’s robes (Week 1)  
Moved the Suits of Armor on the 2 nd Floor (Week 1)  
Ban on the Word ‘class’ (Week 1)  
Replacing Hangover Cure with Vodka (Week 1)  
The Ashwinder Egg Prank (Week 1) – Note: You agreed this would count as 2  
Pumpkin Juice Shower (Week 1)  
Shutting Down the Eastern Staircase (Week 2)  
“Mood Ring” Prank (Week 2)  
Cheer up Marlene sticker (Week 2)  
Anti-Drugs Painting (Week 2)  
Breaking into Ravenclaw (Week 2)  
Shrieking Shack (Week 2)  
Dungbomb outside Ravenclaw (Week 2)  
Gryffindor common room furniture prank (Week 2)  
Short-sheeted the 7th year boys (Week 2)  
Food fight (Week 2)

After a quick read, James’ head shot up to stare at Lily, unable to stop himself. “You put itching powder in the Slytherin team’s robes?” At her head nod, he felt pride swell within him. “Evans I could –” he barely stopped himself from saying ‘kiss you.’ “ – I could shake your hand.”

He quickly remembered that he was supposed to be avoiding Lily, like she was undoubtedly ignoring him, and turned back to the sheet of parchment. His mates were less impressed, ruminating over the list for a few tense minutes. Eventually, the bony jut of Sirius’s chin started to bother James so he had to shake him off.

“You didn’t meet your quota for week two,” Remus said, eyes never leaving the sheet of paper.

“What? Yes, I did! There are ten pranks there,” Lily said immediately.

“Yes, but one of those was James’ prank. You just participated,” Remus corrected.

Suddenly having his friends in his corner didn’t seem like the best idea. In fact, James had reason to question whether Remus wasn’t involved in some sort of conspiracy to see him murdered. That Lily managed to stay seated and not choke him to death in a fit of rage was a miracle. As James was rather fond of breathing, he wished there was a covert way to tell Remus to shove it.

“And?” Lily hissed out between her teeth.

“And I think the spirit of the bet was that you needed to plan and execute these pranks. The Ravenclaw break in was James’ idea and you happened to tag along,” Sirius said, jumping in gamely.

James dug his fingers into Sirius’s thigh to try to get the message across that none of this was going to help him, but Sirius smiled serenely through the abuse, pretending he couldn’t feel the pain. After a day of such emotional upheaval, Sirius was rearing for a fight to take his mind off his family. James’ survival was less important.

It wasn’t a good sign that James could hear the grating of Lily’s molars as she ground them together.

“That’s shite,” Shelia argued back on Lily’s behalf. “Lily was told she needed to do ten pranks, she did ten pranks. End of discussion.”

“By that logic, she could just pay one of us to come up with her pranks for her and still win. How is that fair?” Remus said. It was like having a barrister.

“But Lily’s supposed to be acting like James, right?” Marlene pointed out hesitantly, glancing over at Sirius nervously like he might blow up at her arguing against him. “Don’t you all plan your pranks together?”

She needn’t have worried. At her input, Sirius forgot whose side he was supposed to be on and beamed at her. “Excellent point, love!”

“Exactly! We were co-conspirators!” Lily cried.

Had it not been in his best interest to keep his mouth shut and act entranced by the detailing on the rug, James would have agreed. Co-conspirators was the perfect word for it. They’d acted together. He wouldn’t soon forget the rush that came with being partners in crime with Lily. It came with a near giddiness, a rush of satisfaction, that was completely unlike how he felt when he planned the perfect prank with his mates. She’d been nowhere near idle.

Remus cast disgusted looks at all of them but modified his angle somewhat. “We’ll accept that the Ravenclaw prank counts, but you’ll lose some points for it _and_ in exchange you have to admit that you were caught for the thestral prank. The tradeoff is you can only be caught once more for the rest of the month or you’ll have a deduction at the end.”

“I don’t recall being caught,” Lily said fiercely. “I turned myself in. It’s hardly the same thing.”

“You only turned yourself in because you knew you would be caught in the morning. Don’t get pathetic on us, Evans,” Sirius said lazily.

“I wouldn’t have been caught because Potter –” his chest twinged painfully. It looked like they were back to surnames. “ – offered to take the fall for me. Had I not been such a lovely, kind-hearted person, I could have just kept my mouth shut and never been found out.”

Wow, that sure was a nice rug. James would have to remember to ask McGonagall where they’d purchased it because he bet his mum would love it. Such nice detailing what with the way the geometric designs intertwined and built off one another.

After a good thirty second of rug examination, James chanced a glance at his mates but they were both giving him the matching looks of condemnation he’d been dreading. The looks that said ‘you love-sick prat.’ It was everything Pete had warned him about only one hundred times worse because these were two people whose opinions actually held value to him.

They continued to argue the point for several minutes until Mary, seconds away from tearing her hair out in frustration, capitulated. Despite her outrage, Lily didn’t hold out without the support of her equally loud friend. As an olive branch for her wounded pride, Remus offered Lily a chance to air some of her own grievances. Even before she opened her mouth, James already winced with the stirrings of a headache.

“Okay, I have something!” Lily said forcefully, charging in like she’d been waiting to get this off her chest for ages. “This whole setup is biased in Potter’s favor. I have to pull ten pranks a week. Ten! What does he have to do? You four together have never pulled that many pranks in a week.”

“Keep that slander to yourself,” Sirius ordered, and Remus added in a mildly offended tone, “Give us a little credit.”

“Ten?” Lily challenged with a raised eyebrow that just dared them to argue.

“First day of term, last year. Ring any bells?” Sirius said.

James grinned thinking back to all the mayhem they’d caused that day. So much of fifth year had been spent perfecting their animagus transformations that they’d hardly pulled any pranks in the latter half of that year. The start of term feast had been an announcement of their return to form. They’d been in detentions after that for _weeks_.

“I think Lily has a point,” Mary agreed. “If ten pranks is so much that you’ve only managed it once in your…careers, you can’t expect Lily to do it four times in a row.”

They weren’t entirely wrong. Probably James should have blustered his way through accusations that Lily was only desperate because she’d run out of ideas, but his heart wasn’t in it. He realized that he was teetering on the brink of moping.

Instead, he allowed Remus to pull him into a sidebar, abandoning all pretense that they were remotely impartial. No, in this war there were sides, and they were divided by gender.

“She’s not entirely wrong,” Remus whispered, echoing James’ thoughts.

The three Marauders were huddled together in the corner of the Common Room, just out of range of any over-eager ears. Two first-year boys engaged in a chess match shot them dirty looks as they were situated directly next to them and interrupting their concentration. The Marauders ignored them.

“Fuck her point,” Sirius hissed. “She agreed to the terms when this thing started. Evans ought to have negotiated better from the get go.”

“In her defense, she tried. I’m just better,” James said with a smile. Sirius nodded in approval.

“If we agree to lower her quota, is there anything you want we could demand in return?” Remus asked.

James wracked his brain for a moment before shrugging, “Not really. The truth is I think I have it pretty easy.”

Remus muttered something that sounded suspiciously like “useless” and stalked back to the girls. After a shared smirk at Remus’s frustration, James and Sirius followed.

“We’ve agreed to lower your quota to nine,” Remus said confidently even though they’d discussed no such thing.

James opened his mouth to lower it even more as he figured nine was still too high, but Sirius kicked him. The gleam in his friend’s eye let James know that Sirius was starting to take this seriously. He was feeling competitive and wouldn’t let James make any purposeless concessions either.

“I hope you mean nine a month,” Shelia scoffed.

Then, they were haggling. The number of pranks a week on the table dipped as low as three and soared as high as fifteen as they battled it out. James closed his eyes and tried to take a nap as his friends conferred with a gravity better suited to a life or death situation around him.

They finally settled on seven. One per day wasn’t so strenuous, they could all agree, but it would still provide a challenge. Enough so to keep the bet interesting.

Except, James didn’t think any changes to the terms would make it interesting for him again. He was over it.

“Next order of business. We think…” Sirius paused as he tried to pull something out of his arse. “…that Evans isn’t snogging enough blokes.”

James reeled about to stare at his friend in horror. Sirius wasn’t fazed a bit, looking mightily satisfied with his contribution and even winking at James like they’d come up with this plan together.

“Part of James’ popularity is with witches. You’ll need to do the same if you want to win,” Sirius said smugly.

“That really wasn’t part of the deal,” Shelia said.

“Well, it should have been. It’s a bloody oversight, and I say we correct it now,” Sirius argued.

Reluctantly, James looked at Lily for the first time, fully expecting her to look furious. Instead, he found she looked more contemplative than anything. Her eyes were unfocused and she was twirling a strand of hair about. All signs pointed to her being in deep thought.

“Would it need to be a different boy each time, or would me snogging one bloke do?” Lily asked.

Sirius chuckled. “Already picturing cornering Carmichael? Or is it that other one? Pratt the prat?”

James ground his teeth together. If Lily ran off and started dating fucking Carmichael because of what Sirius said, James was going to put his mate in the ground. This, he realized, was what you got when you didn’t keep your friends updated on your romantic developments.

“I’m not imagining anything,” Lily said quickly, a blush staining her cheeks. “I just wanted to be clear.”

“It’s irrelevant because we’re not establishing a snogging quota. Moving on,” Mary directed.

Before Sirius could argue, James jumped in, “I agree. Next!”

Lily looked at him, really looked at him, and smiled softly. They were on opposite sides and yet somehow strangely allied. With her big, green eyes focused on him like that, it was James’ turn to feel embarrassed because no one person should affect him so much. And yet she did.

Their comradery lasted all of ten seconds before Lily’s competitive streak sparked back to life and she went for his throat. “I still don’t think James is doing enough on his end. Let’s look at what he’s done so far: thrown a party, gotten into two fights, received a detention, used drugs. He’s supposed to be acting like me. And, all he’s done is run a prefect meeting, done his homework, and organized the auction. Excuse me, _asked_ Remus to organize the auction.”

James couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so insulted? All he’d done? She knew he was handling all his Head duties and that he was volunteering with Slughorn. The auction had been a coup, not something you could write-off with a dismissive ‘only,’ and on the point of his bad behavior, he’d only been in _one_ real fight. The one with Sirius had been staged.

“That’s not fair, Lily,” Remus said. “He did a great job with the prefect meeting, and you know it.”

Lily waved him off, “How much time could he have possibly put into it?”

“I studied!” James burst out, earning incredulous stares from everyone. Something about hearing everyone talk about him like he wasn’t in the room had started to grate on his nerves. “I wanted to do a good job, yeah? So I went to the library. Pomfrey keeps transcripts of all the prefect meetings from this century, and I revised.”

“What for?” Sirius asked, forgetting he was meant to be advocating for James in his surprise.

He’d mostly done it because that had been the day he was furious with Remus for cheating with Dahlia. Moony didn’t need a reminder of that, so he said, “Dunno, I hoped I’d learn from past mistakes, I guess. Turns out most Head Boys are right poncy, so that’s the main thing I took from it.”

Looking at him like she’d just seen him for the first time – eyes searching and mouth a compressed ‘o’ – Lily breathed out a “wow.” Their friends continued to argue James’ merits, but neither of them were listening, creating a private moment amidst all the chaos.

Finally, Lily laughed, the sound all tinkling bells. “This is all rather silly, isn’t it?”

“No!’ cried Sirius and Shelia in unison at the same moment James said, “Yeah.” James rather got the impression Lily only heard his answer.

“Do you think we can go somewhere private and talk this out ourselves?” Lily asked.

James didn’t think she was talking about the bet.

As their housemates protested – Remus was especially adamant that James negotiating with Lily without someone else present was a mistake (he was probably right) – James and Lily left Gryffindor Tower.

They took a moment once alone to study each other. Having denied himself the chance to look at her throughout their meeting, James relished the opportunity now. Lily looked gorgeous as always, but he thought she might have been even more made up than usual. At least, she didn’t normally wear fuck-me red lipstick. It made it rather difficult to look anywhere else.

“Hi,” Lily greeted a bit shyly.

“Hi,” he said back, not caring if he sounded like a prat because it made her smile.

“So last night, we…”

“Yeah, we did,” James said.

The almost goofy look on Lily’s face hardened as she said abruptly, “And you’re seeing Rin.”

“And you’re seeing Carmichael,” James said instantly.

They regarded each other, separated as they were standing on opposite sides of the hall. They were at an impasse.

Only, James didn’t want to be at an impasse, so he said, “I’m not really seeing Rin in any official sense.”

“And my date with Erik was hardly that serious,” Lily agreed.

Everything Peter had warned him about echoed in his mind, but Lily certainly wasn’t acting like a girl who would never want him. Not at all.

All this caution and indecision wasn’t in James’ nature, so he decided to screw it. “Lily, I’m going to need you to tell me what you want here. If you were any other girl, I’d be asking you out right now, but we’ve got a history. So I need you to tell me what to do.”

Being straightforward appeared to be the right move because it broke Lily out of her uncharacteristic shyness. Now she was scrambling for an answer. Too distracted to remember to be nervous.

“I think you’re – no, I’ve really enjoyed, it’s just…I can’t date you,” Lily said finally.

It might have been his imagination, but he thought she sounded a little put out about it.

“I know you’ve changed and all, but you were just too awful to Sev,” Lily said, tucking her hair behind her ears fretfully. “He’s my friend, and I know he’d see it as a betrayal. Mates before dates and all that rubbish.”

Rubbish was certainly the right word for it. Fucking Snape being the problem was even worse than Carmichael. Not that he was _that_ desperate to date Lily or anything.

“But we get on really well,” Lily pressed on. “And we seem to really want to snog each other lately. There’s no point pretending we don’t have some sort of physical pull between us.”

“That would be lying, and Lily Evans isn’t a liar,” James said through the world’s driest mouth.

With a wry twist of her lips at a joke James wasn’t privy to, Lily said, “Exactly, so let’s not pretend. There are other things we can do besides date.”

“Shagging?” James practically squawked.

Lily’s eyes all but bugged out of her head. “No! No, I don’t…I don’t do shagging.”

This came as a bit of a relief for James because as much as he knew he’d enjoy it, he didn’t think his poor cock could survive Lily propositioning him in the corridor. He was just a man.

“I just figure this will keep happening anyway – us snogging and then feeling awkward around each other afterwards. Better to address it now,” Lily said.

“Be proactive,” James agreed.

He wasn’t sure if this was his adolescent dream or something that was about to twist horribly into a nightmare, but he did know he was hardly going to refuse. His eyes dropped to her chest where it strained the second button of her shirt, further to the strip of skin between her sensible skirt and socks. No, he was powerless to refuse.

James knew he wasn’t much good with girls, but he was normally good at this part. He knew how to start things off, how to lead a girl along until he had her top off. That was why it was a surprise when he felt his back hit the wall and realized Lily, who was taking measured steps toward him, had cornered him. That he was behaving like the skittish one.

She leaned in so their noses were just brushing, a tease of contact, and James forgot every concern he had about the situation. A second later, she was kissing him, and it was last night all over again except this time Lily wasn’t confused and she was kissing him with purpose.

By the hips, he drew her forward so she was pressed flush against him, and his eyes snapped shut because he finally, finally knew what those accursed (perfect, blessed, divine) tits felt like when they were pressed to his chest. She knew how to kiss too. Hand gently cupping his cheek, Lily gave him sensuous open-mouthed kisses. These weren’t the drunken or chaste kisses they’d shared before. This was what a kiss was supposed to feel like.

He kept his hands safely at her waist, but let them run up and down her sides. Through his exploration, he could feel so much – the place where her shirt disappeared into her skirt just begging to be untucked, the hard jut of her pelvis, and the softness of where her hips rounded out.

And, all the while, her lips slid wetly against his.

“Fuck,” he breathed out.

Lily pulled back. Her body remained pressed to his, but her head tilted back, exposing the curve of her neck, so she could peer up at him through hooded eyes. She even bit her lips, which drew his attention to how her bottom lip was already starting to swell from all the attention given to it.

“Merlin, I never knew you were this sexy,” James admitted unthinkingly. He had dreamed of it, but certainly never expected that to translate into reality.

“Wait, what?” Lily gasped. “All these years you’ve never found me sexy?”

James didn’t know what to say. “Well, of course, in fourth and fifth year I thought you were fit, but there’s a difference between fit and sexy.”

“Only in fourth and fifth year? What about now? What about last year?” Lily demanded, working herself into a fit of righteous indignation on her own behalf.

“Don’t fish for compliments,” James said, rolling his eyes. “Obviously, I think you’re very attractive.”

Lily eyed him unforgivingly and said, “You have lipstick smears on your mouth.”

Without thinking, he lifted his forearm to rub at his mouth. It stained the edge of his sleeve. It didn’t make much of a difference as he had every intention of dragging her back and snogging her until every drop of color had been transferred from her mouth to his.

“You can’t really be worried I don’t want you,” James tried again because really? What kind of alternate universe were they living in that he had to convince Lily that she was hot as hell?

“I think I need convincing,” Lily said, and now she was giggling, a much better look on her than annoyance had been. Although, he had to admit he’d always had a thing for her when she was prissy and mean too.

“How’s this?” James asked, and then he kissed her thoroughly.

He set the pace this time and snogged her until she had to break away gasping for air. Her face was as red as he’d ever seen it.

“Are you one hundred percent committed to the no shagging thing?” James asked.

Lily swatted his arm and opened her mouth to retort (or he imagined suggest a more private place they could take this to), but she was interrupted by the majority of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. She leapt back like she was on fire and frantically flattened her hands against her skirt even though it was relatively uncreased. James had just enough presence of mind to wipe her lipstick off his mouth.

“Thought you’d already be down at the pitch, Captain,” greeted Greenberg. She eyed Lily curiously but without suspicion.

Reality slammed into James hard as the meaning behind his team’s presence in full Quidditch gear dawned on him. He’d forgotten they had practice. James I-live-and-breath-Quidditch Potter had forgotten he’d scheduled practice. It was unheard of, nay unthinkable.

Worse, half-hard and out of breath, his minds was racing through excuses for why he’d need to push practice back another half hour. A quick glance at Lily, tense and staring at the floor, was enough to convince him that another half hour would just be wasted. She was no longer in the mood. But, oh, how he was sure he could convince her given the time.

“I need five minutes to talk about Head business. Head down and start warmups without me,” James ordered.

They trooped off obediently, and James was left alone with Lily again. If her plan had been to remove the post-snogging awkwardness, she wasn’t doing a good job of it.

“So, what now?” James asked because for the time being at least, he knew Lily would need to be the one running the show. She liked control like that.

“I think we should carry on as normal,” Lily said firmly. “Just now if we’re already in each other’s company and one of us thinks, ‘huh, I could really go for a snog,’ we do it.”

“Otherwise we’ll drive ourselves crazy,” James said.

“Exactly.”

“To be clear, we don’t seek each other out? It’s just if we’re already having a moment,” James clarified.

Lily nodded eagerly, pleased they were on the same page.

“So no pulling you into broom closets?” James asked.

“Absolutely not,” Lily said seriously.

James pushed his bottom lip out into a pout, and she smacked him on the arm. He had the thought that they could have carried on flirting like that for another hour.

As he left to join his team, the Fat Lady – who had been feigning sleep the whole time – opened one eye and winked at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone for reading. There was a bit of give and take this chapter, so I’d be fascinated to know: are you more annoyed with Lily for holding back or happy with how they’re moving forward? Any other thoughts are also appreciated. I hope everyone has a great weekend!


	27. Chapter 27

**Oct. 17, 1977**

Lily would be hard pressed to name a morning of classes that had ever given her such a hard time – at least in terms of paying attention to them – in her life. Zoning out occasionally was all well and good, but she’d crossed into ridiculous territory. Not that she minded. When all of her distractions were so lovely, it wasn’t gracious to complain.

While Lily had never wanted to be one of those girls who obsessed over boys, she couldn’t deny she’d spent a lot of time the past two days doing just that. Asking James to start up a randy snogging agreement had hardly been an impulse decision, though his being so endearingly responsible with the effort he’d put into the prefect meeting hadn’t hurt. No, a girl had to think these things through, which was why she’d not gotten a lot of sleep Saturday night.

Lily liked to be in control. She liked for things to happen on her terms, and she’d been trying to apply that to love. Her disastrous Hogsmeade three dates plan had been born of that impulse to control a situation. Lily had been trying to force love to happen. Just as she had that summer with Sev.

Maybe – she’d realized, nestled in her four-poster at three a.m. – love was meant to happen naturally. Vetting boyfriend candidates wasn’t how it worked. She’d decided then to allow fate to take its course, to do only what felt organic.

And what felt natural at that moment was snogging James Potter.

The why’s and how’s of it weren’t really relevant. All that mattered was that she liked it. If pressed, however, Lily supposed the why’s went something like – shoulders, biceps, hair – and the how’s – over the last few weeks James had proved to her that he’d grown up and managed to gain her trust.

Trusting a Marauder didn’t seem like best practice, but she did. Three times now she’d cried all over him, and each time he’d treated her in such a way as to preserve her dignity, providing comfort without ridicule. Although he hadn’t always kept his big mouth shut when it came to arguing with her, he had when it counted. James had never shared her secrets or mocked her feelings.

No, after deep thought, Lily had concluded that James had earned her trust. It had been the deciding factor in initiating this “thing” between them. There was no way Lily could casually snog someone she didn’t trust not to degrade her or pressure her for more. Trust mattered far more than shoulders or biceps or messy hair.

With all that considered, Lily wasn’t feeling ashamed that morning. Maybe she felt a little slaggy, but she’d done worse with other boys. This was still innocent, boyfriend or not.

If all this good snogging wasn’t enough to have Lily humming away in good spirits, the letter she’d received from her mother at breakfast certainly was. It was a gushing missive, filled with stories from home and many emphatic declarations of love. For Lily, who often felt forgotten by her parents while away at Hogwarts, it was the kind of letter that made her want to sing.

It also made up, at least in part (alright, not at all), for a rather brutal letter Lily had received from Petunia Sunday morning. Since receiving _that_ particular letter, Lily had done her best to put it from her mind. She refused to think about it. Not on a morning where the sun was streaming through the windows, lighting up the dust that floated in the air like miniature clouds, and Lily felt capable of flying to the moon and back. Petunia’s bad news could be saved for later.

Elated, Lily couldn’t help but pull the letter from her mother out to read once again even though she was walking to Potions class. Letter obstructing her view, she knocked into Marlene several times.

“Are you sure that’s just from your mum and not a love letter?” Marlene asked suspiciously.

“It’s a love letter in that it proves Mum loves me! She says she’s marking down the days on her calendar until I come home for Christmas,” Lily crowed.

Marlene made a disapproving face and left it with a soft, “I guess love is in the air.”

“For some of us,” Lily said leadingly, giving Marlene’s side a little pinch. Marlene jerked to the side out of Lily’s reach, no more willing than she’d been all weekend to spill about her and Sirius.

Her _boyfriend_ Sirius.

Talk about a concept that was going to take some getting used to. Stubbornly, Marlene was refusing to share any details. Where had they gone on their date? Lily hadn’t the slightest. How had he asked her out? Anyone’s guess was as good as hers. Had they snogged yet? Only Sirius, Marlene, and the Lord Almighty knew the answer to that.

If Lily hadn’t been in such good spirits from other things, her frustration would have likely eaten her alive. Lily had never pegged the normally forthcoming Marlene as someone who would be private about romantic matters, and yet her lips were sealed. It especially grated because this was the first interesting thing Marlene had done in her life.

Given everything she’d learned that weekend, Lily had been anxious to see how Mary would take this latest development. She needn’t have worried. Mary had handled the news with aplomb. After getting tired of the sympathetic looks Lily kept sending her, Mary had explained in a whisper that as long as Sirius was treating Marlene well, Mary would be happy. Lily had vowed to find little ways to show Mary how much she loved her for the rest of the week.

Lily and Marlene got to Potions early, which meant Slughorn wasn’t in yet. They joined the other half dozen students milling about the corridor. Sev was one of them.

“Lily. McKinnon,” he greeted.

Having Sev in her life again was still an adjustment, and Lily was momentarily thrown off balance. Then, she remembered how much he was trying and smiled widely to let him know she was happy to see him. Under the full wattage of her smile, he looked slightly overwhelmed. Her stomach barely squirmed with the guilt of the secret she was keeping from him.

“All ready to brew some Living Death?” Lily asked cheerfully.

“Since I was fourteen,” Sev said drolly, and Lily giggled.

“I asked Slughorn last week and he said that if we finish with enough class time, we can start on the antidote. You know that’s loads harder,” Lily said.

Now Sev looked interested. Reversing the effects of Draught of Living Death took a lot of precision and skill. He’d be all too happy to have a challenge for a change.

Slughorn opened the door and everyone started to stream inside. Before Lily could head to her seat, Sev grabbed her by the arm.

“Be partners with me,” he said.

“I’m partnered with Marlene this year,” Lily said as if Sev might have missed that fact over the past month of classes.

“Switch,” Sev said uncaringly. “You’ll never finish brewing on time if you’re partnered with her.”

Lily looked uncertainly over at Marlene who was already unpacking her books. Marlene blew an enormous, neon blue bubble with her chewing gum and jumped in surprise when it popped in her face. Lily had to admit that Sev had a point. Plus, she really hated the sound of people chewing gum.

“I can’t switch because that puts Marly with Mucliber,” Lily sighed.

With their friendship restored, Lily would have liked to partner with Sev again if only because they made such a formidable team. Lily always learned a lot from Sev’s creative brewing. Sacrificing Marlene to human slime like Mulciber, however, was not an option.

Lily felt terribly guilty at the way Sev’s features hardened with disappointment. She knew that blank slant of his mouth meant he was only pretending to be unfeeling. It was the face he made with his father, not with her.

Over his head, Lily saw James enter the classroom. His eyes sought her out immediately, and he gave her a teasing grin. Lily couldn’t stop herself from smiling flirtatiously back. They didn’t stop eyeing each other from across the classroom even as James walked to his seat. Remus was trying to say something to him, but James kept craning his head around to smile at her. Butterflies were bursting from their cocoons within her stomach.

Noticing her distraction, Sev turned around and spotted James. His scowl was immediate.

“I think I have an idea as to how we can be partners,” Lily said, hoping to distract him from his hatred and jealousy.

Lily walked over to the desk she shared with Marlene and said, “Marls, can you partner with Sirius today? I want to work with Sev.”

Marlene blinked at her. “Sirius is partnered with James.”

“I know. Ask them to switch.”

“You want me to ask Sirius to choose me over _James_?” Marlene asked as if it were the most ludicrous thing she’d ever heard. Honestly, it wasn’t like Lily was asking Marlene to force Sirius to pick between the two of them for all time. It was one class.

“He’s your _boyfriend_ , Marlene,” Lily said. “He should want to work with you.”

Marlene didn’t look at all convinced, but dutifully walked over to ask all the same. From where Lily stood, it was impossible to hear what they were saying, but it wasn’t difficult to interpret their body language.

As Marlene predicted, Sirius didn’t look like he was at all amenable to the idea of being separated from his best mate. Lily would go so far as to say his clenched jaw signaled he was annoyed by Marlene’s interruption. Marlene kept talking and gestured over at Lily. James turned his head to look at her and then they were doing their flirty smile routine all over again. Before Sirius could refuse like he was so clearly going to, James was scooping up all his books and striding over.

“Want to hear a joke, Evans?” he said and Lily _loved_ that the first thing he led with after they had made out was one of his awful jokes. “What did the fisherman magician say? Pick a cod, any cod!”

Lily tilted her head back as she laughed.

“Liked that one, huh?” James said smugly.

Unintentional bursts of laughter still bubbling in her throat, Lily said, “It’s one of your best yet. Anyways, thanks for agreeing to switch.”

James shrugged, “I’m happy to do it, Lily.”

“I never would have asked knowing how much you like to work with Sirius. Only, we have a chance to brew the antidote to the Draught of Living Death today, and Marlene’s no good with potions. I’m worried if I don’t partner with Sev, we won’t finish in time,” Lily explained.

“Sev?” James said, making the name sound like a curse.

Not being a complete idiot, it only took Lily a moment to realize what had happened. James had thought she wanted to work with _him_. Marlene hadn’t explained things fully, and he’d come over all happy and with a joke to be with her.

“Oh! I’m sorry. Did you –? I didn’t realize,” Lily stumbled through an apology.

“Why’d you even drag me into this?” James asked.

“Well, I couldn’t just stick Marlene with Mulciber,” Lily said.

“But you could leave me with him?” James said in a tone that wasn’t quite angry but was a far cry from pleased.

“You know it’s different,” Lily said.

James didn’t have anything to say to that because he knew it was the truth. Looking altogether surly about it, James walked over to sit with Mulciber. He slammed his books down hard enough to make the sound reverberate throughout the classroom.

In all her life, Lily didn’t think she’d ever seen Sev look as self-satisfied as when he took the seat beside her. He was getting to spend time with Lily and annoy James. At this rate, Lily wouldn’t need to get him a Christmas present.

“Potter’s acting like a spoiled –”

“Don’t,” Lily said shortly. “I’m not in the mood.”

Lily had never been in the mood to hear Sev go on about his hatred of the Marauders. Even during the time when Lily was fully capable of a good anti-Potter rant herself. Today of all days though, she had zero patience for it.

Even though Sev was obnoxious and she’d managed to make Sirius and James mildly cross with her, Lily knew she’d made the right decision once they began to brew. They worked effortlessly together. There was no need to supervise Sev like she would with Marlene, and he was the perfect sounding board for any deviations from the recipe that she thought they ought to try – warning her when something sounded unstable and making his own recommendations in turn.

The freedom of working with Sev reminded her of how comfortable they could be when tricky subjects like the Marauders and dark magic were removed. It made Lily wonder about how plain _nice_ it would be if their friendship could return to normal. Yes, she was calling Sev her friend again, but she’d hardly extended him her trust and they’d hardly spoken since their return to matehood. Maybe it was time.

There was just something to confiding in Sev that none of her friends could match. He knew her before she learned to put up walls and pretend, knew the idiosyncrasies of her family and how they’d influenced her. Her friends would never have that knowledge, even if they all lived to be one-hundred-and-two. Of all of them, Sev would be the one who understood Petunia’s letter…

Emboldened, Lily said, “Tuney wrote me yesterday.”

She tried to keep her voice light, like it wasn’t really worth commenting on. Small talk. Only, Sev had never been one for small talk and he knew plenty about the sisters’ relationship. He knew there was no such thing as a meaningless letter from Petunia.

“Why’d she write?” Sev asked, sounding disinterested.

“She said she had to cancel our trip to Prague,” Lily said. Now Sev’s head shot up in alarm. He knew full-well how devastated Lily must be in the wake of the cancellation.

The much lauded trip to Prague had first been discussed back when Lily was eight or nine years old, a child with no inkling of how her life would change. Petunia had always been fanciful and imaginative. She liked nothing more than to make up stories about other people to the point that Lily’s parents had always insisted she ought to become a writer. At the age of eleven, Petunia had read a coming of age story about a girl who travelled to the continent and found everything she was looking for – love, a made-family, self-actualization. Petunia had been so taken with the idea that she immediately began lobbying their parents for permission to go on a trip there, just the two of them, no adults allowed. Obviously, their mother had turned them down. In fact, she’d pretty much laughed in their faces.

Lily could still remember how her sides ached from the temper tantrum she threw at their mother’s refusal. All she and Petunia had spoken of for months was their magical trip together, hiding under the covers and pouring over their atlas with a flashlight, marking up the book in red pen whenever they found a chapel or fountain that they just had to visit, and Lily had begun to believe that she’d simply die if it didn’t happen. Worse, Petunia had wanted it desperately, more than she wanted anything else, and Lily would have done anything to make Petunia happy. So, she’d screamed until she vomited in her hopeless attempt to change their parents’ minds.

To soothe their broken hearts, the Evanses had agreed that when both girls were of age, they’d pay for them to take their trip together. With a great deal of pomp, her father had set a jar upon the mantle above the fireplace, a sturdy, plastic piece that their mother would normally never suffer to be seen by guests. Every Sunday after church, the girls would stand in a row and watch wild-eyed with anticipation as their father would drop a whole pound in the jar. They’d then turn out their pockets and let him add any change they’d been able to scrounge up during the week as well. Once Lily was eighteen, they’d break open the jar and use that money to go to Prague.

“That’s…strange. She’s always going on about it like some kind of possessed harpy,” Severus said, and while Lily didn’t like the insult to her sister and their tradition, she did appreciate that he contained himself enough not to ask why.

“She says Vernon doesn’t approve of the idea of her travelling alone. I don’t count as a chaperone apparently, and wouldn’t she rather go with him anyways once their married? Which, mind you, he hasn’t even asked her yet,” Lily bit out, trying not to spit as she tumbled over Vernon’s ugly, ugly name. “Like, what kind of person talks about marriage before the proposal? It’s just setting Tuney’s expectations too high.”

“I don’t understand why he’d worry about Petunia in Prague,” Sev snorted. “She’s boring and looks like a horse. Nothing’s going to happen to her.”

“Probably scared she’ll meet some other bloke that makes her realize how boring _he_ is,” Lily said, viciously stabbing at the bicorn hooves that she was supposed to be delicately slicing.

Noticing how she was mistreating the ingredients, Severus deftly stepped in, maneuvering her away from the table and asking that she stir instead. No matter how angry Sev became, he was always able to maintain his composure when it came to his brewing. The contrast between the two of them, with him patiently wielding the knife and Lily stirring with so much vigor that her ladle loudly knocked against the sides of the cauldron, had never been more evident.

Given the circumstances though, Lily just couldn’t be expected to contain herself. Not while talking about Petunia’s betrayal. She wanted to fling the cauldron against the wall, to cry until her throat turned into her throat closed up and she passed out from dehydration. Because this was the end. Without Prague, that last bit that held them together, would disappear. There was no Lily and Petunia. No Petunia and Lily. Nothing that united the two sisters beyond family dinners which were impersonal, quiet affairs dominated by Lily’s mother.

She wasn’t ready to be an only child.

What made it all the worse was that Lily knew Petunia still wanted to go. It wasn’t a case of Petunia realizing a trip between the two of them would be awkward as they hadn’t had an intimate conversation in years. They may not have been particularly close, but they weren’t completely estranged, and Petunia still had that fanciful side to her personality. If they were to go together, the two girls would both have fun.

No, Petunia had only cancelled because Vernon told her to. She’d capitulated because a boy, man, whatever had insisted he knew what was best for her. No matter what happened in her life, Lily would never capitulate to a boy like that. Everywhere she turned, there were girls making decisions just to make a boy happy, sacrificing their pride and happiness for a shadow of a smile, all in the name of love. It made her sick.

Upon receiving Petunia’s letter, Lily had reassessed her recent longing for love. Honestly, it didn’t seem worth it. If love could make Petunia turn her back on their sisterhood, then it was a hateful, terrible thing.

Maybe Lily would have liked to date James. Fantasizing about how a date with him would go, left her stomach in knots and an almost hysterical giggle trapped in the back of her throat. She would be happy, elated even, but she couldn’t guarantee James wouldn’t turn her into the mindless robot her sister had become. He was a natural leader; it would be almost natural for him to start taking the lead, making suggestions about how she should live and act and dress. Eager to please him, Lily wasn’t sure she would think to put him in his place.

Her conclusion from Saturday night remained: do what feels natural. She wanted to snog James, so she would snog James, but the prospect of dating him now made her hands shake in addition to the trapped giggle and the butterflies in her stomach. The very opposite of natural.

Upset as she was, Lily decided not to dwell on her troubles with Petunia any longer. It wasn’t like Sev had anything helpful to recommend anyways. Instead, Lily filled him in on the research she’d done on Master Varamini’s potion and how Slughorn had offered to let her brew it under his supervision. Since his offer, Lily hadn’t found the time to get started, but she would definitely make the time that week. She was all too eager to explore an unchartered area of potion-making, something that would be all her own. No one would appreciate that more than Sev.

“Sounds interesting. I’m not sure it has a point though,” Sev said when she was finished. That very sentiment summed up nicely why he’d been put in Slytherin even though he was so invested in potion-making.

“Oh, but it does! I’m not certain what it is yet, but there has to be something. I’m thinking maybe something to help werewolves,” Lily said.

Gripping his knife too hard, Sev almost sliced their boomslang skin too thickly. “You shouldn’t bother.”

Lily pursed her lips. One of the most surprising revelations upon joining the wizarding world had been that werewolves were treated like second-class citizens. No one was ever able to give her a proper reason for it, but she supposed that was always the case with bigotry. A reason didn’t need to exist.

“You know me, Sev. I grew up on all those muggle flicks. Werewolves are just men in love with a good girl, and her kindness will be all it takes to save him,” Lily said, thinking back on all the movies she’d seen. “And the girl will inevitably wear a white dress on a marsh at night, and the man will never think to take his shirt off and fold it before his transformation. I really hope werewolves in real life are more careful with their clothing. All those ripped shirts must cost a fortune.”

Lily fully expected her movie insights to drag at least a half-smile out of Sev, but it never came. Instead, he glared in the Marauders’ direction and growled, “Werewolves are monsters, Lily. Don’t be stupid with that muggle trash.”

“I’ll try,” Lily said coolly, straightening her back.

Sev winced and said, “I didn’t mean –”

“No, it’s fine. You’re a genius who knows everything, and I’m just a stupid muggle girl,” Lily said, ice in her voice. “Hey, let’s trade mothers. Then, I’ll be at least halfway decent. That’s how that works right?”

“Lily –” Sev tried again, but she plowed right over him.

“Do you think your mum would even notice if you didn’t come home this summer, and I took your place? It would involve her looking away from the telly for half a minute, so I’m not so sure she would.”

The sound of Sev’s chair falling over was enough to make Lily’s mouth snap shut. He’d kicked it to the floor, but he still looked like he wanted to lash out at something, the violent tension in his body remaining.

Lily realized she’d gone too far. Sev didn’t like his mum at all, but that didn’t make it okay to have a go at her and how little she noticed her son. Mrs. Snape wasn’t even that bad. Mostly, Lily just founder her sad with the way her eyes were always half-vacant and how she was always surrounded by ash trays.

“I’m sorry. That was awful of me,” Lily said.

Sev didn’t say anything to forgive here, and that was enough to tell Lily he was furious.

“Really, Sev. You know your mum loves you. It was a low blow,” Lily said.

Manipulatively, she used her sweetest voice and laid her hand on his arm. Using this – how much he craved her touch and affection – against him made her feel a little sick, but she ignored the feeling. He stared at the place where it was touching him for a long moment before shrugging. It was the closest to forgiveness he was going to give her.

They passed the rest of class in silence. Their first potion was finished with plenty of time to spare, and they brewed a perfect antidote. Despite that, Lily wished they’d never partnered up at all.

Good days never lasted.

 

It was too cold to eat outside, so the days of the girls’ Monday picnics were officially over. Now they were forced to eat lunch alongside everyone else. The Great Hall – with its bewitched ceiling and enormous windows – never looked as boring as the first day they were forced to abandon their picnics.

“What happened to all that annoying cheerfulness from earlier?” Alice asked Lily, noticing that she was no longer smiling from ear to ear like she had been when her letter from Petunia arrived.

“Yeah, you were at like, a one hundred earlier. This is like a seventy-four,” Marlene agreed, studying Lily pensively.

“A seventy-four’s not bad,” Lily said.

“No, but it was nice to see you so happy earlier. You haven’t been that happy in…well, years,” Marlene said.

“It’s nothing. I just had a fight with Sev,” Lily admitted.

Her words drew an immediate response from her friends. Sheila clucked her tongue in disapproval and everyone eyed each other knowingly. They’d been waiting for this to happen. They thought Lily and Sev’s friendship lasting a week was a miracle. The only one who didn’t react strongly was Mary, and that was likely because they’d talked about Sev on Saturday, so she had a different perspective than the other girls.

“Drop him, Lily,” Sheila said firmly. “He’s a creep.”

“You never should have forgiven him in the first place,” Marlene agreed.

Lily didn’t argue that she hadn’t technically forgiven Sev. Forgiveness was another thing entirely, and they were nowhere close to it. Just like with Alice, her friendship existed with Sev even as their wounds remained open and gushing blood.

“I could understand if he was fit, but he’s not even good looking. Chuck him and move on,” Shelia said.

“I’m not angry about what he said in class,” Lily insisted, though looking back she realized that he’d never exactly apologized. She hadn’t really given him the chance to before she was tearing into his mum, so she could hardly blame him. “I mean, he started it, but I kind of…ended it.”

Marlene drew back, wincing and Shelia said, “You do have a tendency to do that.”

“Do what?” Lily asked because they all suddenly looked sympathetic towards Sev, which never happened.

“You know. Someone says something you don’t like, so you tear them to pieces,” Shelia said.

“I don’t do that,” Lily said.

No one agreed with her.

If this was what her friends thought of her, it was news to Lily. Sure, she had a temper, but it was hardly like she had a history of reducing people to tears or anything. When someone wronged her, she let them know how she felt about it. There was nothing wrong with that.

“What? It’s not like I’m some kind of crazy, super bitch,” Lily said defensively.

The looks her friends exchanged then were not flattering.

“Are you kidding?” Alice said with a snort.

“That’s not fair. You’re still angry with me from –”

“From the last time you were being a crazy, super bitch,” Alice said.

Err…yeah, but there had been extenuating circumstances there like a wild thestral attack and the fear of imminent expulsion! Besides, Alice could give just as good as she got. Lily remembered being called a ‘cunt’ during their fight. Alice was hardly blameless.

“Back me up, Marlene,” Lily said. “I’m never mean to you.”

“Yeah, because I always let you have your way,” Marlene said blithely.

That brought Lily up short. She froze, forkful of salad a centimeter from her mouth.

“You don’t always do what I say,” Lily said, even as her mind drew a blank as to the last time Marlene had disagreed with her on something that mattered.

“Um, I kind of do, but it’s not a big deal. You tell me to work with Sirius, I work with Sirius. You’re happy, and I don’t get yelled at,” Marlene said.

“Marlene, you know I wouldn’t have been mad at you if you’d said you didn’t want to partner with Sirius,” Lily said slowly, not entirely wanting to hear Marlene’s answer.

“Sure, Lily,” she said in a tone that wasn’t even trying to be convincing.

None of this was flattering, and Lily had to fight to cling to the good mood she’d been in that morning. So she could be a little mean at times and _occasionally_ intimidated her friends. It was just one more thing she’d have to work on. All she needed was to take control of it. She had to be strong, to be better.

Brightly, Lily said, “I’m sorry if you felt pressured this morning. Whenever you feel that way, just let me know, and I’ll stop. That goes for all of you.”

While all of them looked skeptical, Lily felt a lot better. In fact, between that and spending the following twenty minutes working on a response to Petunia, Lily was back to feeling positively giddy. She only stopped writing once her hand cramped from how quickly she scribbled out her reply. (It already reached a second sheet of parchment and that was with her writing on both sides).

Needing to get to their next classes, Mary, Marlene, and Alice left the table. Lily was already finished for the day and Shelia had a free until History, so that left the two girls alone at in the mostly emptied out hall. Of all her friends, Shelia had the greatest expertise when it came to snogging arrangements of all kinds, so Lily shoved her letter aside to talk with her friend. She’d been dying to fill her in on everything all day.

“I need to talk to you about a boy,” Lily said, voice hushed and eyes scanning for possible eavesdroppers.

“Ooh, a new development with Erik! Tell me everything,” Shelia said eagerly.

“Not Erik.”

“Pratt?” Shelia asked in surprise because Lily had shared enough about her Hogsmeade dates to leave no question that Erik had been the winner.

“No.”

Shelia groaned, “Snape?”

Lily had never realized how many romantic candidates she really had. The word ‘entanglements’ had never seemed more fitting as her love life was starting to contort into some complex dating web. She pictured her head attached to a spider’s body, chomping Adrian in half while the other boys screamed in terror.

“Not Snape either,” Lily said, disturbed with the turn her imagination had taken. “James.”

“James!” Shelia shouted, and Lily had to shush her.

There was no keeping Shelia quiet at the revelation that James now fell into the category of “boys Lily needed to talk about.” From the first sign James fancied Lily, Shelia had always been his biggest supporter. Hell, Shelia had been encouraging Lily to give James a go even before he’d asked her out that first time in fifth year.

“I knew you calling him James meant something,” Shelia said triumphantly.

Lily wasn’t even bothered by Shelia’s told-you-so’s because she was too enthusiastic herself. In a muted whisper, Lily told her all about the events of the day before and a very brief review of their past completed and almost kisses.

Faking as if she might cry, Shelia said, “I’ve never been so proud.”

“So you don’t think it’s too slaggy, too…Diana Urquart of me?” Lily asked.

A very unwelcome image of James’ hands on Diana’s bare stomach flashed through her mind. It hadn’t upset her much at the time, but now the thought of them together made Lily feel sick.

“Definitely not,” Shelia said emphatically. “You could shag just about any boy in school, and you don’t take advantage of it. You’re nothing like Urquart.”

Lily decided then and there to believe her. She wouldn’t let guilt-laden worries about tarty behavior bother her any longer. It would be a dishonor to the women’s lib movement and all the great ladies who’d come before her to not own her sexuality.

“I guess the only thing I’m worried about is how we’re supposed to act around each other now. You should have seen us in Potions. I’m surprised everyone doesn’t already know with the way we were smiling at each other. We looked deranged,” Lily said.

Deranged in the way only two teenagers who were secretly snogging could.

“You should definitely keep it a secret,” Shelia advised. “People get weird about this stuff.”

“Without question. I just don’t know how to act around him” Lily said.

“Well, you said the whole point was to do what feels natural, so you should go with that. If that’s batting your eyelashes and twirling your hair, then do it,” Shelia told her.

Lily knew there was a reason she’d come to Shelia with this of all her friends.

“You know what’s terrible,” Lily said, leaning in conspiratorially. “I almost want to just drag him into a broom cupboard now. It’s totally not what we agreed on, but he’s just so…”

“Fit? Lily everyone but you has known that for ages,” Shelia laughed.

Lily wasn’t sure how everyone stopped themselves from jumping him in the halls if they thought he was as fit as she did now. To be fair, she hadn’t been this randy for him until yesterday. It was like the knowledge that she could have him made it impossible not to do so.

“Okay, so the rule is you can’t seek each other out, right? When’s the next time you’ll see each other?’ Shelia asked.

“Tomorrow is when we meet to do Heads’ work,” Lily said, eliciting a broad grin from Shelia. “There’s also a Prefect meeting Wednesday.”

“So you just have to make it through today and then you’ll be all over each other for the rest of the week,” Shelia cheered.

It was the stuff daydreams were made of.

“Don’t mention this to any of the other girls, please,” Lily said. She wasn’t ready for this to become the topic of group discussion.

Sounding touched, Shelia said, “You’re only telling me.”

“Well, yeah. You’re my best friend.”

With a loud “aww,” Shelia reached across the table to give Lily a hug. With the entirety of the table between them, Shelia had to drag a protesting Lily until she was practically lying on top of it in order to get her arms around her. Not appreciating the manhandling, Lily made a show of wailing her displeasure but hugged her back all the same. It felt too good to do anything else.

Sighing as they broke apart, Lily said, “I need to go wreak some havoc while everyone’s in class. I’m starting to hate this bet. I’m completely out of ideas. I actually considered trying to steal all the left shoes in the castle yesterday. Nothing else! Just the shoes. That’s how desperate I’m getting.”

“Your problem is you’re too clever,” Shelia said. “The Marauders always do dumb shite like throwing water balloons, but you keep going for the most elaborate plans ever. Either tone it down or ask people to help you. The best pranks are always the ones where lots of people are in on it.”

“Well don’t you just have the best advice today! You know, I’d be happy to give the same if you’d just tell me about your mystery lover,” Lily said.

To everyone’s surprise, Shelia had yet to give any details about the bloke she’d flirted with at the Slytherin party on Friday. It was going well. Lily could discern that much by Shelia self-satisfied smirking, but the rest remained a mystery.

“Between you and Marlene, I’m dying!” Lily pleaded.

“Then die,” Shelia said, untroubled.

Lily made a highly offended noise and stood up. “I know where I’m not wanted!”

Shelia’s ringing laughter followed her out the door.

The problem of what her next prank ought to be quickly occupied her mind. She debated trying to break into the Slytherin dorms and charm their (presumably) green furniture red and gold, but the risk of being caught was too great. Trapped in a room full of Slytherins was one place Lily did not want to be.

It was that foiled plot and Shelia’s advice that got Lily thinking about how the Slytherins, as the bullies of the school now that James had cooled down, were always the subjects of everyone’s pranks. There were lots of students who never got to have any part in the fun because they were completely overlooked. Being the subject of a well-meaning prank would probably make their week because if you stripped out the cruelness behind some pranks, all that was left was fun.

Coming up with a list of the most forgotten students at Hogwarts was rather hard because Lily kept, well, forgetting them. Ultimately, she narrowed it down to one student for each house besides Slytherin. The idea she decided to go with was going to be controversial with James because it wasn’t really a prank per se, but it definitely qualified as mischief. She was really just outsourcing her pranks – acting as a kind of pranking wholesaler.

Lily found Hufflepuff’s Albert Albertson on his way to History of Magic. She “accidentally” bumped into him and purposefully dropped all her books to the floor in the process. Annoyed, he dropped to his knees to help her collect her belongings like she knew he would. Careful not to be seen, Lily dropped a folded up note in his bag. She thanked him and watched him walk away none the wiser.

The note was charmed to grow progressively warmer until he read it, so Lily had no doubt he’d find it at some point during class.

On the outside it read: _Truth or Dare (P.S. You have to pick dare)_

Once unfolded, it said: _I dare you to write a love poem (the sappier the better) and read it to Binns during class. If you do, I’ll give you a Honeydukes chocolate bar in celebration of your courage. Good luck!_

She followed through with the same exercise twice more, daring Ed Blake to streak across the Quidditch pitch and Alison Peters to pretend to have a coughing fit every time the professor in her next class said ‘magic.’

Lily felt pretty smug about the prank even though she wouldn’t know whether went through with it until later that day. Her success depended entirely on whether they chose to be brave or not. Blake was a Gryffindor, which was why she’d assigned him the most daring task. Turning down a dare was cause for eternal shame in their house. She wasn’t sure how students from the other houses would respond to anonymous Truth or Dare though.

Lily’s victory was cut short when a first year ran up to her and told her McGonagall wanted to meet with her in her office. She didn’t worry as she went to the Transfiguration wing because it wasn’t unheard of for McGonagall to want to meet to discuss Head business. One look at the rigid back of her Transfiguration professor was enough to dispel her confidence. Lily was in trouble.

As McGonagall expressed her disappointment at Lily’s “uncharacteristically immature display,” Lily quickly worked out that she’d been outed for instigating the food fight. Instinctively, Lily folded her hands and took on her most guilt ridden expression. She wasn’t feigning anything. Criticism from authority figures always hit her hard.

“We cleaned up everything ourselves, and everyone had a lot of fun. It was innocent, professor,” Lily said.

Over the top of her spectacles, McGonagall regarded her coolly. “Be that as it may, you broke several school rules. Students aren’t even supposed to know where the kitchens are –” Lily wanted to tell her that ship had long since passed. _Everyone_ knew where the kitchens were. “– and you took advantage of the House Elves. Worse is all that wasted food. There’s literally one thing we can’t transfigure or make with magic, Miss Evans, and that’s food. Who’s going to pay for it?”

This sounded suspiciously like one of her father’s spiels about starving children in Africa, but Lily still gulped. “I’ll reimburse it all.”

“You’re going to pay for one hundred and nine pies?”

Well, no. No she wasn’t. Lily didn’t have a spare two hundred pounds to throw around. She wasn’t wealthy. Her funds were limited and meant to last her through December.

“I’m really sorry, professor. I didn’t think,” Lily said looking at her feet mournfully as meeting McGonagall’s eye had grown increasingly difficult.

“No, you didn’t,” she agreed. “However, I also know not thinking is a rarity for you. That’s why you’ll only serve one detention with me. Tomorrow.”

Lily’s head shot up, “Oh, but professor, I work on Heads’ business on Tuesdays!”

The thought that she wouldn’t get to see James was terrible. They were to be be completely alone in the privacy of the Heads’ office, and Lily could think of several delightful ways they could put that room to use.

“You’ll have to reschedule, Miss Evans. Detention with me at six o’clock,” McGonagall said unsympathetically.

It was a sad day when being Head Girl didn’t even give her the privilege of choosing your detentions. Even sadder when she was already restraining herself from snogging her co-Head until his hair stuck up like he’d ignorantly jammed his fingers into an electrical socket (which could totally happen), and now she had to show that same level of control for a whole two more days.

There was no time to mope about though as McGonagall’s exam was tomorrow. The unfairness of having detention, Nott, _and_ a Transfiguration exam was not lost on her. Unjust or not, Lily couldn’t allow her ruined Tuesday to interfere with her Monday.

She needed to be productive, and that meant going to the library and thinking about nothing but Transfiguration for the rest of the day.

The library was mostly empty when she arrived. Only sixth and seventh years ever had free periods, so most of the school was still in class. One person who did not have classes on Monday afternoons was James, and Lily was reminded of this fact when she saw him hunched over a book at one of the study tables. He look disheveled as always with his messy hair in a way that would have signaled distress on anyone else, but on James just looked typical.

Lily awkwardly lingered in the doorway as she tried to sort through what to do. Should she ignore him? Say hello? Join him? She couldn’t figure out what the proper protocol was when seeing your friend and snogging partner in the library.

Them being friends officially wasn’t much help because a lot of variety fell within that category. If, say, Lisa Little was at the table instead, Lily would only say hello if Lisa had noticed her first to avoid distracting her. If it was, Dorcas, on the other hand, Lily would ask to sit with her.

The whole thing was very political.

Lily had just about decided the proper course of action was to say hello and sit nearby, when she realized James was revising for Transfiguration too. It changed everything. Lily was _not_ ready for this exam, and she knew James was some kind of Transfiguration prodigy. Having another source to explain things – James – when her book started to inevitably read like gibberish would be a great help.

“Hello,” Lily said pleasantly, pulling back the chair across from him.

Before she could sit down, James said, short and matter of fact, “You can’t sit there.”

Clearly she’d misinterpreted the protocol for these things.

James must have realized that his rejection might upset her – it had – because he then explained more kindly, “I’ve promised Pince I won’t so much as look at a girl while I’m in the library. If you sit, she’ll just make you move. She chased Alice away for the same thing last week.”

He couldn’t have led with that, instead of forcing Lily to endure ten seconds where she thought their friendship was ruined? The desire to smack him upside the head warred with her conflicting urge to hug him. She ended up just standing there.

“Oh, right. Only, we’re both revising the same materials, so it doesn’t make much sense to sit apart,” Lily said.

“Hey, it’s your funeral,” James said, gesturing to the empty seat. “Be my guest.”

Figuring she was already a rule breaker, the kind of girl who served detentions two weeks back to back, Lily sat. True to his warning, Pince came over to try to roust her within five minutes, but Lily stood her ground. The purpose of the library was learning, and Lily had a perfectly valid academic reason to be sitting with James. As opposite-gender study partners weren’t banned, Pince couldn’t force her to move.

Pince relented, though she gave Lily the evil eye as she stalked back to her desk. Lily could hardly care as she’d gotten exactly what she wanted, and James looked pretty impressed to boot. She made a mental note to ask James just what he could have done to earn a ban specifically on interacting with girls in the library. Though maybe it was best not to ask, as none of the theories her mind generated were remotely pleasant.

They read in silence for a while. In the back of her mind, Lily had always imagined James would be impossible to revise with – fidgeting and talking at inopportune moments. Turned out, he was fidgety but he knew how to concentrate too, so Lily could mostly ignore the quill he twirled idly between his fingers.

“Why does it say here that it’s impossible to transfigure a centaur?” Lily asked, wrinkling her nose at the chapter on magical creature transformations. “Wizards can be transfigured. What’s so special about centaurs?”

“It doesn’t say that,” James said, still reading his own notes.

“Yes it does. Right here,” Lily said, practically shoving her book under his nose. He didn’t bother to read it, just pushing it away from his face.

“That centaurs can’t be transfigured is supposition. It’s not like loads of people have tried. I don’t know if you’ve ever met a centaur, but they’d be super offended and probably attack any wizard who dared,” James said. “That comes from this one report from some fourteenth century wizard who tried and failed to transfigure a centaur into a full horse, but it’s not conclusive. He could have just been shite at Transfiguration. Centaurs also have their own magic. Maybe they can block it.”

Of his explanation, Lily was hung up on one part. “Wait, have you met a centaur?”

“Sure. Once or twice,” James said.

“Wow,” Lily breathed. She couldn’t imagine how someone could forget how many times they’d met something so majestic. “What was it like? Was it beautiful?”

James gave her a funny look. “What kind of question is that?”

Now it was Lily’s turn to educate him. “You probably don’t realize, but all girls go through a stage when they’re younger where they’re either obsessed with wolves or horses. They draw pictures, play pretend at the park, want them knitted on all their clothes. I was a horse girl.”

“That sounds fake,” James said skeptically.

“Trust me,” Lily said. “ _Every_ girl.”

“Well, I didn’t pay much attention to how he looked because he was pointing an arrow at me, but yeah, he was…horseish,” James said.

“Wait, what?” Lily gasped. “Why would it, he, aim an arrow at you?”

“Probably because I was in his territory, and they don’t much care for wizards. They think we’re entitled and dangerous,” James said.

Awe at centaurs and alarm at James’ near-death experience disappeared as Lily put together just where James might have met a territorial centaur in the first place. It was a place he had no business visiting.

“You were in the Forbidden Forest!” Lily hissed. Disapproval coated every word.

“Come on, Lily. You’re a delinquent now too. Don’t act so scandalized,” James said nonchalantly.

“I break silly rules. The Forbidden Forest is dangerous. Breaking rules that are designed to keep you safe is just…stupid!”

“I’m fine. No one got hurt,” James argued. “You can’t be so afraid of living, Lily.”

“Well, I’m sorry if my idea of fun doesn’t involve someone trying to kill me,” Lily snapped.

James made some comment about how the centaur hadn’t really intended to hurt him, but Lily had stopped paying attention. James’ disregard for his own safety had left her angrier than she could have ever anticipated, and she had to return to her reading to try to cool the blood boiling beneath her skin.

She didn’t ask James any more questions. It came with too great a risk. Lily would probably ask him a question about teacups, and he’d tell her he liked to break them over his head for fun or something equally daft. Better to work out the answers herself.

Hours passed before Lily decided she couldn’t possibly cram another fact about Transfiguration into her head. The library had started to spin, which was likely a sign that she should take a break and put some food in her stomach. She’d hardly eaten that day and dinner was just a quarter of an hour off.

James seemed to be of a similar mind because he packed up his books alongside her and followed her out of the library. They hadn’t gone far when Lily felt hands grip her waist and spin her around. Startled, she looked up from her new position, pressed against the wall, at James looming over her.

“Have you ever noticed that Mulciber smells?” James asked, to which, Lily could only shake her head. “He does, like garlic. It’s the kind of thing that would make, say, partnering up with him in Potions a bloody awful experience.”

“Are you angry about that?” Lily asked nervously. Nervous because he might be cross, but more so because he was terribly close.

“Not angry, but I think you owe me, Evans,” James said with faux-thoughtfulness.

The way his hands found the curve of her hip and rubbed appreciatively left little question as to how he wanted to be repaid.

“I’m going to dinner,” Lily said because she was hungry and giving into him now would set a bad precedent. She couldn’t have him thinking he deserved a snog every time she did something he didn’t care for.

“After dinner,” James pressed. His fingers lightly skittered up and down her sides in a way that tickled. Unlike normal tickling, however, she didn’t want it to stop.

“I’m revising more,” Lily said, staying strong. “I can’t afford to do anything else today.”

“Tomorrow during our meeting, then,” James said reluctantly.

“Err...” At Lily’s hesitation, James gave her a very unamused look. “I kind of have detention with McGonagall tomorrow. We’re going to have to reschedule.”

Lily had never felt so much like the Grinch who stole Christmas than she did then with James pouting down at her. Revision was seeming less and less important compared to wiping the look of disappointment off James’ face He must have sensed her weakening because James transformed from defeated to seductive in the blink of an eye. One of his hands came to rest on the wall above her head and effectively caged her in.

“I think you’re underestimating your Transfiguration abilities. Revision is highly overrated,” He said with a heart-stopping smile, all the more effective because it had that utterly James hint of naughtiness.

“I can’t,” Lily insisted unconvincingly.

Not paying her any heed, James tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. The feeling of his fingers tracing the shell of her ear, _lingering_ , made her shiver. Keeping her eyes open became a struggle.

“You must have plans too,” Lily said desperately.

His face was too close.

“Mmhmm, dinner with my mates,” James said.

“Then you have to go!” Lily cried.

James placed a kiss at the spot where her jaw met her neck and then flicked his tongue out to taste the softer flesh below. The discipline that Lily so prided herself on was in danger of shattering into pieces.

“Your friends!” Lily tried again.

“Fuck em,” James said against her neck. “I don’t much like them anyway.”

Lily gave in. Eyes shut and hands gripping his hard shoulders, Lily enjoyed the feeling of his lips as they teased the skin of her neck. And, perhaps as punishment for taking so long to agree to this, it was a _tease_. The barest scrape of teeth along the vein, a sweep of wet tongue dipping into her clavicle. Always he pulled back and returned to those soft, little kisses.

She was going to melt.

They were thankfully (unfortunately) interrupted by classes letting out and the stream of students that stampeded through the castle to get to dinner. Through the disappointment, Lily had to remind herself that this was a good thing. She hadn’t eaten enough that day to engage in any activity as strenuous as snogging. She’d start feeling light-headed soon.

James groaned and laid his head against the stone wall as Lily slipped out from beneath his arm. She refused to feel sorry for him. He’d worked himself up into this state, while all she’d wanted was some food.

Lily’s attention was diverted by a passing student who was telling his group of friends, “…and then he told Binns he wanted to spend the night counting each wrinkle on his face! Can you believe it?”

A smile bloomed across Lily’s face. Albert had gone for it. The boy no one noticed had done something daring after all.

Before she could wonder whether her plan had worked with the others, Dorcas Meadows, all soft blonde curls and perfectly painted nails, was approaching them. Approaching James more specifically, but he was still too busy glowering at the wall to notice.

“Oh my God, did you hear about Blake?” she asked in lieu of a greeting.

James turned to face her with a furrowed brow, “Who?”

“You know. Gryffindor, blonde, kind of anonymous,” Dorcas said. When James didn’t show any signs of remembering, Dorcas continued, “Well, anyways, he just stripped off all his clothes and ran across the pitch in the middle of Ravenclaw’s practice!”

“No way,” Lily said, still smiling.

“I know! I’ve never much thought of him as the type to do anything,” Dorcas said excitedly. “James, I’d assumed you were involved somehow.”

“Not me,” James said.

“Hmm, looks like there’s a new game in town,” Lily said innocently.

James put it together immediately and gave her an exasperated look.

“Whoever they are,” Dorcas said. “They’re utterly brill. I swear, half this stuff is better than anything you Marauders ever pull.”

Dorcas left on that note, leaving behind an immensely offended James and an immensely gratified Lily. So offended was James that he couldn’t even argue. (It was hard to form words when his jaw was hanging open).

Seeing that no one was looking, Lily swooped in and pressed a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth. He startled and reached for her, but she was already skipping away.

“I’ll see you in class, James,” she called confidently.

And, for what felt like the first time ever, Lily was feeling confident because she was totally brill, had a sister that wanted her to write, and, most of all, James Potter wanted her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now we have both sides and can start moving forward. I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter and have an even more enjoyable weekend!


	28. Oct 18: Of Education, Formal & Informal

**Oct. 18, 1977**

 

James dropped into his usual seat in Transfiguration with all the confidence of a man who had revised for an exam and knew he was going to ace it. Never had he been so prepared for anything academic in his life. It was actually kind of cool, the rush that came with knowing he was about to wow McGonagall and Lily both.

Unsurprisingly, Lily was already seated a few rows ahead of him. Unlike James, she liked to be seated well before class was set to start. He tore a piece of parchment in half, balled it up, and lobbed it at the back of her head. She cringed momentarily at the impact before whipping around to find the guilty party. Her eyes sought him out immediately, perfectly aware that James was the most likely candidate behind any crinkly, paper projectiles tossed in her direction. He made sure to meet her unamused glare with his most shit-eating grin.

“Can I help you?” Lily asked drily.

“Just wanted to wish you luck on the exam,” James said innocently. “After all, I know the kind of fun you sacrificed for your studies. The payoff had better be worth it, don’t you think?”

Pinking, Lily said, “It will be. Besides, it’s not like I had any offers to do something too enjoyable.”

“I think you’re underestimating just how much _fun_ you might have had last night if you hadn’t needed to revise,” James said, voice pitched low.

They were starting to earn some strange looks from the rest of the class as this kind of euphemistic banter between the head students was unprecedented. Oddest of all was Shelia, who was positively beaming at him, and upon noticing his attention, shot him a thumbs up.

“All I’m saying, Evans, is that I expect an ‘O’ for all your efforts. Anything else and I’m going to be disappointed,” James said.

“Like I’d care about disappointing you,” Lily scoffed, spinning back around in her seat.

All he’d wanted was the opportunity to rile her up a bit, so James leaned back in his seat, satisfied. It wasn’t his fault that derisive scowls, unlikely as it was, looked impossibly good on Lily.

“What was that?” Sirius grumbled from where his head was resting on his desk. He’d been struggling to sleep lately – oscillating between lying awake in bed and wandering the halls after curfew to occupy his mind. Bloody annoying for Remus who was a restless sleeper by nature, but nothing to James who could sleep through a hurricane without shelter. The result was a Sirius drained of energy who slumped onto the first hard surface he encountered whenever they entered a new room.

“Just some friendly trash talk,” James shrugged.

Sirius made a noncommittal noise in answer that conveyed his disbelief, but he was too tired to pursue it.

The exam started a minute later. As he’d anticipated, each question was a breeze. The question on centaur transfigurations in particular made him smile, and he could identify the exact moment Lily reached the question by the way she half-turned to look at him before stopping herself. If anything, the real struggle was staying in the allotted space because there was so much to write – facts, dates, and theory all at the forefront of his brain.

A quick look around the classroom showed James was one of the few students thriving. Marlene was chewing her nails frantically. Three times her eyes drifted to Mary’s exam and answers before she caught herself and resisted the urge to cheat. Daniel O’Brien eyed the window longingly, whether because he wished to escape the room or was contemplating a jump was unclear, and Shelia appeared to have given up entirely, not even holding her quill any longer.

His classmates’ struggles delighted him; An O would mean that much more if everyone else failed.

Sirius, of course, was doing fine. He had a semi-photographic memory (or so he claimed), which meant all he had to do was read the materials thoroughly once and he’d be set. As was typical, he hadn’t done even that little in preparation for the exam, opting to only skim Remus’s notes, so he was likely destined for an ‘A’. In Sirius’s world, acceptable was just that, so he wasn’t worried.

Then there was Lily and Remus, both in the same situation. They’d dutifully taken the notes, they’d revised for hours, but now they both stared at their exams like every question was a snake rearing up to strike them.

Half an hour in, James finished his exam. He was the only one not desperately scribbling answers, which made the walk to McGonagall’s desk something of a victory march. Upon passing Lily’s desk, she let out a hushed “prat,” scribbling hand never slowing, that left him smirking like a madman.

“I’d advise you take a few minutes to review your answers,” McGongall said, eyeing his completed exam skeptically.

Unworried, James laid it on her desk, “Trust me. This is a perfect exam.”

Even though he still had half a page of unanswered questions, Sirius got up and did the same. Now McGonagall really looked disapproving, but she didn’t try to encourage Sirius to finish up. McGonagall valued her time too much to waste it on exercises in futility.

James gave a two-fingered salute to Remus, who would be at least another hour, and left with Sirius. They’d agreed that the Astronomy Tower would be their rendezvous point for after the exam, so that’s where they headed.

“Sure you shouldn’t go have a lie in, mate?” James asked, settling against the wall and watching as Sirius nearly collapsed against it. “Thursday’s the full moon, so you’ll want to have caught up on your sleep before then.”

“Blimey, I’d forgotten!” Sirius said sarcastically because they all tracked the comings and goings of the full moon with singular dedication. Reaching into his robes, Sirius produced some rolling papers and a pouch of spliff. “Want some?”

“You’re going to fall asleep up here, and I’m not dragging your lazy arse back to the Tower afterwards,” James warned, but he didn’t refuse either, so Sirius began to roll a joint to share between the two of them.

“We need to do something soon,” Sirius said as he rolled. “Feels like we’re becoming boring.”

James didn’t point out that Sirius had gotten himself a new girlfriend all of two days ago and that few people would classify that as boring.

“S’all Evans’ fault. We stopped pulling anything because she started,” James said, then added as an afterthought, “Watch how you roll that. Making it a bit thin, yeah?”

Sirius flipped him off but began to pay more attention to the half-formed joint between his fingers. “What about Snivelluls? He’s been looking far too happy lately.”

“Nah, he’s friends with Lily again,” James said, shaking his head.

“And?”

And I want her to keep snogging me. He didn’t share this thought nor that the whole Bernie-Bourgeois-bullying-fiasco had turned him off any pranks against Slytherins for a while. He knew that Snape was a slimy git who deserved everything he got, nothing could shake his faith in that, but it was too discomfiting to realize that the younger students saw the way he treated Snape and tried to replicate that with other, _undeserving_ students.

As much as he wanted to put the whole incident behind him, it was difficult because Bernie was clearly dwelling on his humiliation. He’d stopped coming to the pitch to workout with James in the mornings. Even though James had always enjoyed that peaceful mind-space to which he was able to escape when he worked out alone, he found that worries over Bernie completely obliterated his chances of reaching it. No, all Slytherin pranks would be out for now.

“I say McLaggen,” James said to avoid answering the question. Sirius was too busy taking a drawn-out hit from their joint to call him on it. “He was a prick about that whole portrait thing. A little lesson on how he should talk to his betters would do him some good.”

Sirius winced and passed him the joint. “No talk of betters please. You sound like my cousins.”

“Sod off,” James said.

He wrapped his lips around the tip of the join and inhaled deeply, reveling in the way the smoke scorched along his throat. He held it for a few beats before sending it spiraling towards the sloping roof of the Tower.

“I say we blow McLaggen up then,” Sirius said.

James almost choked on his second hit. “Like, McLaggen, the man?”

“The one and only,” Sirius said, reaching out greedily for the joint. Except, James had been hoarding it after his first hit, so it was James, technically speaking, who was being greedy, but whatever.

“What? We stash some fireworks in his bag and blow him sky high?” James asked.

Nodding gravely with red-rimmed eyes, Sirius said, “Boom!”

It was enough to set them both off into peals of laughter. The image of bulky McLaggen pinging off the walls and screeching for help had him in fits.

“You’re cocked in the head,” James said finally.

“They always call the brilliant mad,” Sirius said agreeably.

The joint dwindled to nothing between them and they flicked the remaining nub of paper out the window. Sirius didn’t fall asleep as James had predicted, but he did mellow out, counting the stones that made up the tower with muted interest. After maybe a fifteen minute bout of paranoia where James was convinced he heard someone coming and had to check the Map repeatedly to reassure himself otherwise, James mellowed out too.

“Want to skive off the rest of classes today?” James said.

Eyes closed and content, Sirius said, “Prongs, I thought you’d never ask.”

It felt good, peaceful, knowing that Sirius was always on the same page as him. James began to wonder if he even needed to tell Sirius about Lily. So often it felt like Sirius could read his mind. Maybe he already knew.

“I’m snogging Evans,” James said to test it.

Lazily, Sirius slit one eye open to look at him, “You taking the piss?”

And maybe Sirius wasn’t a secret Legilimens at all and did need to be told.

“Nah, it’s happened three, no, four times now,” James confided.

“If I wasn’t so tired, I’d stand up and shake your hand,” Sirius said. “Well done, and right out from under Carmichael too. As good as you’d imagined?”

This was a tricky question as James’ fantasies about Lily were as varied as they were plentiful. A fifth year James had been particularly fond of a scene where she snogged him after he’d won the Quidditch World Cup (still at age 15 mind, making him the youngest player to do so in history). Comparatively, their heated kisses in the corridors were a tad less exciting. Still...

“Better,” James breathed out happily.

“Congratu-fucking-lations,” Sirius said with an edge that was hard for James to ignore.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he demanded, frowning.

“It means what it means. Congratulations,” Sirius said.

“No. You had a _tone_ ,” James insisted.

As if Sirius could ever hope to hide something like that from him! James was so good he could even distinguish Sirus’s I’ve-only-had-two-hours-sleep voice from his I’ve-only-had-three-hours-sleep voice. What did Sirius take him for?

“Can you just drop it?” Sirius asked tiredly.

Now that was too ludicrous to be considered. James Potter didn’t drop things – not quaffles and definitely not bitter tones from his best friend who was supposed to be happy for him. James glared at him in an effort to get just this across.

“Fine,” Sirius sighed. “It’s just that with everything –”

Like the fairy-godmother of inopportune timing, Remus came bursting into the Astronomy Tower in that moment. Sirius’s mouth snapped shut and he slumped in relief at getting to avoid whatever worry had been plaguing him.

“Um, we were kind of in the middle of something,” James said to Remus. “A heart-to-heart, yeah? Could you maybe come back in an hour?”

“How about no?” Remus snorted and threw his books down next to Sirius, following them to the floor a moment later. “I swear if you’ve smoked all my weed right when I’ve just taken that exam from Hell, I’m going to kill you both.”

“Someone’s in a bad mood. Here there’s plenty to go around,” Sirius said, pushing the pouch towards him.

“I might murder you both all the same. Would it have killed you to pretend to be struggling like the rest of us? I swear, I’ve never hated you so much as when you walked out early,” Remus grumbled.

“You know you did fine,” Sirius said.

“Yeah, Moony, stop your whinging,” James agreed.

Their reassurances did little to calm Remus who always spent the time after exams moaning about his failures. Then, they’d get the exams back only to find he’d scored an O or an E without exception. James would give him a harder time about it, except he knew that Remus put so much pressure on himself regarding his grades so that he could prove to his mum that he wasn’t a failure of a son. Not that Mrs. Lupin viewed him that way. James had never seen any evidence that she thought he was anything other than a perfect child, but Remus tortured himself all the same.

“Fine, I’ll moan about something else for a change: Peter,” Remus said. “That arse has been talking my ear off about how disappointed he’ll be to miss the full moon this Thursday. Like, he’s angry about missing out on all the fun, bonding time, can you believe it?”

“What happened to ‘be nicer to Peter, James’? ‘He’s going through a lot, James?’” James demanded.

“You were just being a prick. I’m being righteously indignant. Major difference,” Remus said.

James struggled to see the difference, but Remus was clever, and James was inclined to take his word for it. Besides, James was more than familiar with the kind of behavior from Peter that had Remus in fits. After seven-years of friendship, Peter still sometimes acted like he was convinced they would drop him at the first opportunity. Merlin forbid they ever hang out without him. They’d have to hear about it for weeks afterward – ‘But why didn’t you think to ask me to come? What did you talk about? Are you going to do it again? I really would have been happy to come.’ It was a nightmare to tune out.

“You’re just in a mood because your time of the month is around the corner,” James said.

Remus gave him a dirty look. “Yes, because everything comes back to that, doesn’t it? I can’t possibly just have an opinion or a feeling. Oh no, it must be that I’m being a bastard about my transformation.”

“Hey, you said it, not me,” James said, hands in the air.

The look grew dirtier.

“James is snogging Evans,” Sirius announced abruptly. He was likely motivated by the need to save James from himself and, even more pressingly, the desire to avoid James cornering him on whatever was bothering him before.

Remus snorted and didn’t bother to look up from the joint he was rolling. “Sure, okay.”

“Umm, I am,” James said.

“I know. Just like you were getting up Lily’s skirt back in fourth year. You and Lily have had quite the active physical relationship for years now,” Remus said drolly. “Has it been confined to your imagination? Sure, but why let that stop you? Tell the whole school what you dream about while you wank. No shame, I say!”

James knew he was prone to referring to every slight as the greatest offense of his life, but this time he wasn’t exaggerating. Never. Ever. In his entire life. Had he been so Offended.

His feelings manifested in a lot of arm wheeling and incoherent spluttering. Unfazed, Remus continued to ignore him, never acknowledging that he’d just committed the gravest of offenses. All sympathetic tittering, Sirius rubbed at James’ shoulders – not that this was easy to do what with the previously mentioned arm wheeling – and promised that he _believed_. While Sirius was known for standing by James through even the most ridiculous circumstances, James was pretty sure his mate was taking the piss too!

While James reasoned that he could live with a lot, this misconception would not stand. He was not a randy adolescent, inventing imaginary rendezvous in broom cupboards just to impress his mates – and to bring up that embarrassing lie, an incident Remus had sworn he wouldn’t mention again – was just rude! James zoned out for a bit, caught up in the swirl of his thoughts, like they were a tunnel and he couldn’t focus until he’d stepped out on the other side, missing whatever jokes Remus and Sirius were making around him.

Finally, he shot to his feet. “I’ll prove it to you –” James declared with a pointed finger jabbed in Remus’s direction. “– I’m going to find Lily right now, and she’ll tell you the truth.”

“I’m sure she will,” Remus said almost lazily. “The truth that you’re full of shite.”

James marched down the steps, intent on finding Lily and settling this business once and for all. He hadn’t thought to bring the map so he would need to return to Gryffindor Tower first, but that was just a minor setback.

Anxiously, Sirius jogged to keep up with him. “Umm, not to slow you down there, mate, but I think Lily still might be taking the exam.”

Beaming, James stopped only long enough to clap Sirius on the shoulder. “Thanks, mate. Saves me some time.”

Remus’s laughter grew louder.

“I meant,” Sirius tried for the dozenth time as they neared the Transfiguration classrooms. “That Lily probably won’t appreciate you barging in on her in the middle of an exam and announcing to the class that the two of you are snogging.”

“Au contraire, if Lily’s actually snogging him, she’d be more than happy to share the news,” Remus countered, grinning fiendishly.

“Yeah, Padfoot. Why are you such a worrier?” James asked. “I don’t get why you’re not happy for me.”

Sirus stiffened the tiniest bit before saying through clenched teeth, “Just because you’re a wanker doesn’t mean I’m going to let you fuck things up for yourself. I’m _nice_ like that.”

For just a moment, James managed to break through the zany intensity that had overtaken him to really study Sirius. He didn’t look good. Not good at all.

“Don’t worry about it, okay?” James said gently. “Everything’s going to turn out fine.”

A lot of things were encompassed in that statement. Sirius backed off, literally raising his hands in defeat. Whether he believed James or not about the outcome, he was going to sit back and let James have his way.

Even though James wasn’t thinking clearly, he retained enough presence of mind to not burst into McGonagall’s classroom in the middle of an exam. He may not have feared Lily, but he did fear the stern Transfiguration professor. Instead, he hovered outside the door, waiting to pounce the moment it opened.

Pretty quickly after that, Remus grew bored with his little jape. It had been funny for him to rile James up, but he didn’t actually went to hang out in a corridor waiting for an exam to end, even if James’ humiliation was the guaranteed outcome for his patience.

“I take it back, James. I believe you. You’re snogging Lily,” Remus said tiredly.

“No! You’re just saying that!” James practically shouted.

The door opened in that moment and a Hufflepuff sidled out of the classroom, looking a little more dead-eyed than when he’d entered pre-test. Through the crack in the door, James could see Lily, bent over her desk so far that her hair spilled out over the exam, startling as red ink across the page.

Before the door could close, James began to motion wildly in an attempt to gain her attention. He jammed his foot in the door so that it wouldn’t close before he finished his signed message. Her intent focus didn’t break for a second, but his antics did manage to gain the attention of a few other students. James motioned between the two of them, making kissy lips and using his hands to mime two people kissing.

One of the people who noticed his presence in the doorway was Shelia. She sprang to her feet and rushed to turn in her exam at the front. A moment later, she was exiting the classroom, physically pushing James away from the portal with two hands firmly pressed to his shoulders. His heels skidded against the stone floor as he was moved forcibly backwards. With her heel, she kicked the door closed behind her.

“What are you doing?” Shelia demanded.

“None of your business,” James said snottily, mostly because he was annoyed at having been interrupted.

Shelia crossed her arms in a gesture that indicated his cross words hadn’t had much impact. This time she addressed Sirius and Remus, “What’s he doing?”

“He’s trying to prove to me that he’s snogging Lily,” Remus said a little awkwardly.

It was one thing to prompt James to make a fool of himself, it was another to deal with the consequences from a peeved Shelia. She was a little scary. The combination of a temper and that kind of beauty always struck fear in men. Every time Shelia was around, Remus grew cagy. He was definitely destined for the sweeter, gentler women of the world ala Dahlia.

Shelia leveled James with an irritated look. “You’re lucky I noticed before she did, you prat. Lily would’ve killed you for embarrassing her like that.”

“Wasn’t my intent,” James muttered a little sheepishly.

Turning to Remus, Shelia said, “Trust me, they’re snogging. Does that settle everything for you?”

It was hard to tell whether Remus had ever really doubted James or if he’d just been taking the mickey to relieve his post-test stress, but he did raise both his eyebrows at Shelia’s confirmation. There was no doubting the validity of James’ claims if Shelia was backing him. She would have no reason to lie.

“Well, that’s that then,” Remus said, a laugh caught in the back of his throat.

“Told you,” James said triumphantly. He casually slung an arm around Shelia’s shoulders and another around Sirius’s waist. “Come on, then. We have a few more minutes until our next class. Let’s do something fun.”

Muttering all the while about how they were all idiots, Shelia joined them.

James felt oddly charged with energy now that his secret with Lily was no longer that. She’d told Shelia. Rather than keeping their little trysts a sordid secret, she’d seen fit to share with her best friend. Just like James hadn’t been able to keep it from Sirius, hadn’t wanted to. In a lot of ways it made their relationship real.

Until then, he hadn’t realized that he’d questioned it, but he had. It wasn’t a weird dream. It wasn’t an arrangement that could end tomorrow and his life would revert as if nothing had ever happened. He and Lily were doing something, were something – even if defining just what that was remained an obstacle – and now he had three witnesses to prove it.

 

Contrary to popular belief, James didn’t hate Slughorn. He didn’t hate Erik Carmichael or most of the Slytherins either. Hatred wasn’t something that came naturally to him. Indifference, an easy belief in his own superiority, sure, but hatred, the kind that burnt through him when he thought about Walburga Black, was something that had to be earned over and over again.

His lack of hate for his ingratiating professor did not do much to improve his mood at being locked in close quarters with him once again as he volunteered to do inventory on the potions stores. James was busy at work on the lower shelves, so he perched on his knees, digging through jars and sifting through sacks of beetles. Rather than leave him be, Slughorn had predictably decided to keep him company. It had somewhat surprised James when Slughorn had brought a chair to the very entrance of the cupboard itself rather than just shouting from his desk, but the small courtesy only went so far to endear him.

Because Slughorn had a lot to say. First, he wanted to share his opinion of every student currently enrolled at Hogwarts – the positive ones at least. James hadn’t realized that so many of his classmates were “veritable geniuses” and “going places, my boy. That you can count on.” Lily’s explanation as to why Slughorn was her favorite professor, that he actually cared about his students and their successes, helped him survive the endless tittering, but James still wasn’t happy about it. Then, Slughorn had gone on to boast about the accomplishments of every successful person he once had in his class. James wanted to scream that, of course, he knew Slughorn had taught them all. Just about everyone in Britain went through Hogwarts and it was a mandatory class! Every teacher in Hogwarts just about could make the same claims to greatness.

“It occurs to me, Mr. Potter, that we haven’t seen a Potter on the Wizengamont for some time now. Are you going to be the one to break the dry spell?” Slughorn asked.

James wondered whether he’d be guilty of murder if he lied, said yes, and Slughorn had a heart attack from the joy. Instead he said, “I haven’t really considered it, sir.”

“That’s such a shame. Your family has such a well-storied background and an interesting perspective. I’m sure your voice would be very much appreciated on the Wizengamont,” Slughorn said encouragingly.

The Potter family had never been much for big, nation-wide politics. Sure they were guilty like all the old pureblood families of influencing things when they took a turn they didn’t like, but they preferred to take a stand from behind the scenes. They were more likely to move money than the hearts of the public.

“It just seems like a waste of time, Professor,” James shrugged.

“Hardly!”

Slughorn’s abrupt shout startled James and he dropped the jar of yeti eyeballs he’d been holding. Luckily the jar wasn’t glass so it didn’t shatter, but eyeballs rolled across the room, disappearing beneath cabinets. Sheepishly, James dropped to his knees to gather them up. He’d never touched any creature’s eyeball with his bare hands before and he nearly gagged at the slimy flesh as he plopped them back in the jar.

He’d thought that by playing the game he would now be exempt from Slughorn’s chastising, but apparently he was wrong. Red-faced and breathing heavily with the extent of his passion, Slughorn appeared to have forgotten James was supposed to be his new favorite.

Slughorn managed to calm down and eyed James shrewdly, “What makes someone a Slytherin in your mind, Mr. Potter?”

“They value power,” James said, remembering the sorting hat’s song heralding Slytherin ambition from when he was a third year.

“That’s right,” Slughorn said. “Now why do you think they care about power?”

“Because they’re ambitious and greedy,” James said. It occurred to him after the words had left his mouth that he probably should have softened his opinion before saying such a thing to the fucking head of Slytherin house. The same head who controlled his Potions’ marks.

“That’s certainly true for some of my students, but not for all. Power does not have to be used for personal gain. The pursuit of it is not always for power’s sake. I have seen great humanitarians pass through my house. People who dedicated their life to the service of others, and the reason they were sorted into my house and not noble Gryffindor was because they recognized that the best way to achieve their vision of a better world was by amassing power and using it to create the world in which they wished to live,” Slughorn lectured. “Now tell me, Mr. Potter. What is it you plan to improve the world?”

Never in his wildest dreams would James have imagined having a conversation like this with Slughorn. The man was a sycophant. He had no moral high ground to boast, and yet…James didn’t really have a plan to better the world. He knew things were going to Hell, but he didn’t know where he fit in, couldn’t see a clear way to making it any better.

In his personal life, James exhibited nothing but control. When something was hurting his friends, he found a way to fix it. The chubby boy in his dormitory seems shy and lonely? James was going to invite him along to sit beside him at lunch and play pranks and run amuck on the school grounds until that boy became one of his best mates and gained a little confidence. Another dormmate turns out to be a werewolf? James was going to master a ridiculously advanced and dangerous form of magic so that he could ease the burden. His last friend was growing up in a household of abusive maniacs? James was going to remind that friend he’d always have a home with the Potters until he finally upped and left. James could handle local injustices.

On such a large scale though, that was where his imagination and his resources grew slim. He had been able to help all of his friends by applying all his energies to doing so for months or years at a time. He didn’t know the first thing about how to scale that up to help the world.

“I’ve never really thought about it,” James admitted.

Slughorn gave him a jovial pat on the back, his ire from moments before already forgotten. “Things are bleak, son. We need good people in positions of power, advancing what’s right. Do you have any idea how bad things would be if Dumbledore wasn’t on the Wizengamont?”

Ashamed, James directed his gaze towards the yeti eyeballs to avoid having to acknowledge what Slughorn was saying. Being a member of the Wizengamont had always seemed like something Dumbledore viewed as a chore rather than a privilege. It’s how everyone James knew viewed it. The difference was that James had never felt willing to take on the burden himself, even if it could help people.

“Things are really bad aren’t they?” James asked.

It was something he’d never really talked about. His father spoke about the conflict with the rebels pretty regularly, but those were one-sided conversations cloaked in euphemisms. With his friends, they all tiptoed around the subject because they knew that it could upset Sirius. No one wanted to be the one to point out that his family members may die supporting a genocidal monster. James could read the paper, of course. He understood what was happening as well as probably any other Hogwarts student, but here was an adult, an adult interested in politics. He wouldn’t find a better source.

“I’m old enough to have lived through one war,” Slughorn said tiredly. “And this one is going to be so much worse.”

“I thought Grindewald never came to England,” James said because there was only one war in modern history that Slughorn could possibly be referring to.

“Quite right. But in the late 1940s, my father was a journalist. He covered muggle politics, so he took my family to Germany to monitor the muggle war that was happening simultaneously. I was very young, but it put me in a position to see both wars – muggle and magical. It was something I’d hoped to never have to witness again,” Slughorn said.

“I didn’t realize,” James said.

“And why would you?” Slughorn said, cheerful in the face of the gloomy subject matter. “I worry about you young people, not myself. I never had to fight in the war, and I suspect you’ll be on the frontlines if the need arises. Well, that wasn’t strictly true. You’ll find that when war comes everyone fights in it, one way or another.”

The idea of James’ mother, with her laugh lines and shaky hands, fighting in a war made James’ mouth go dry. “How do you mean, sir?”

“I don’t mean everyone’s out with a wand firing off hexes, but we all fight our personal battles. In Germany, it was just the scarcity. Every spare resource went to help the volunteers who were fighting against Grindewald’s forces. Everyone was hungry back then. There were never enough hours to sleep in the day, never enough time to settle your thoughts. It’s almost like war sucks the color right out of the sky, though that was really just the winter, but it felt related somehow. Like a winter that would never end.”

They didn’t talk much after that, though James felt there was a lot he could have learned from his professor. He didn’t like to picture war the way Slughorn described. Normally, if he imagined everything devolving into a violent mess, he looked forward to the chance to help. War was like Quidditch. There were winners and there were losers, glory to be earned, your fate decided by skill. James had always felt ready. He wasn’t, however, ready for the way war could darken the world for everyone. That was something he couldn’t quite stomach.

James still didn’t like Slughorn’s ingratiating manners, but he had to admit that their conversation had altered his view of the Potions professor. There’d never seemed to be much to him before, but there was no denying that the watery glint of his blue eyes signaled a pain and understanding of the world that James himself lacked. He could see why Lily liked him so much.

Like last time, his inventory was interrupted by the arrival of Lily – though it was much later this time around, nearly nine o’clock since she was coming from the tail-end of her detention with McGonagall. She looked impossibly energetic for someone who was just coming from detention and didn’t even smile at James in acknowledgement, too focused on their pot-bellied professor.

“It turned blue!” Lily all but shrieked in Slughorn’s direction.

“Why that’s extraordinary, Ms. Evans. Incredible progress for such a short time,” Slughorn beamed.

“Err, what are you talking about?” James asked.

Lily launched into a squealing explanation about how she’d been working on Dr. Varamini’s potion – the potion that she thought could potentially ease the suffering of werewolves – and had managed to make it turn blue, which was apparently a very good sign in her research. James couldn’t really follow the complicated rambling, but all in all, it sounded promising. His heart skipped a beat upon hearing her hypotheses on how she could continue to alter the potion to make a solution for werewolves. For Remus.

He wanted to kiss her, and not just in the way he always did.

“This is the stage where most beginning potion brewers make their mistakes,” Slughorn warned. “Be careful to really document everything you’ve done so far and consider your next steps before moving forward. Rushing ahead is how you blow yourself up.”

James wanted to interrupt and argue that Lily should rush. In fact, if she could have the potion finished by Thursday in time for Remus’s next transformation, that would be aces. Doing so, however, would seem suspicious, so he managed to contain himself. On rare occasions, James was capable of circumspection.

Also like last time, Slughorn took Lily’s presence as an opportunity to make his own escape. They could really start counting on Slughorn to abandon them together, which, considering how much he wanted to be alone with Lily, was a pretty lovely thing to rely on.

Likely to Lily’s surprise, he didn’t immediately jump her. “Do you really think this potion could help werewolves?”

“I can’t really say. I mean, it’s not like I’ve been able to study any werewolves to learn if their brain chemistry is different or what their transformations are like. It’s all theoretical. In theory though, it seems like a possibility,” Lily said thoughtfully.

“You’re bloody brilliant, you know that?” James said.

Lily blushed, “I don’t know about that.”

“No, you are,” James said seriously. “Do you know how few people give a shit about werewolves? It’s disgusting. There are so many laws in place that are designed just to make their lives miserable. They’re already cursed with this awful pain every month and then everyone in society turns on them as well. It’s legal, you know, to refuse to hire someone just because they’re a werewolf. The argument is that they can’t be relied upon because they need two days off a month, but that’s only twenty-four days a year! Most jobs give five weeks of vacation time to their employees a year, so it’s just prejudice is what it is. It’s just –”

His well-researched spiel on the discrimination werewolves faced was interrupted by Lily slamming her lips against his. It knocked him backwards a step into a desk, as she wound her arms around his neck and nipped at his bottom lip.

When they broke apart, James asked a bit breathlessly, “What was that?”

“ _That_ was extremely sexy,” Lily answered.

“What…I don’t…?”

“You caring, James. It’s sexy,” Lily said. Then she kissed him again to drive home the point.

“I also don’t believe muggles should be corralled and treated like animals. What does that get me?” James teased, causing Lily to slap him lightly on the shoulder.

“Do wizards really get five weeks of vacation time a year?” Lily asked seemingly out of nowhere.

“Yeah,” James said. “There’s been a million bills trying to mandate it up to six, but it’s been a struggle. Why? Don’t muggles?”

Lily laughed. “You’re lucky to get two with a muggle job.”

“Two? Two? But that’s...that’s like your whole life is just working! There’s no time for your family or your interests with two weeks every year,” James spluttered.

“So sexy,” Lily laughed again.

Lily’s nose knocked gently against his as she drew him into a long, lingering kiss. He had a moment of distraction as he tried to figure out where to put his hands as he couldn’t exactly place them where he most wanted before they settled in her hair, one encouraging her closer and the other stroking through the silky locks. As his fingers carded through the thick strands, he realized he’d been missing out on a prime Lily fantasy all these years. That he’d never considered her trailing her soft hair down his body, twirling about his groin and back up in a shudder-inducing tease was a travesty.

“Can we sit down or something?” Lily asked. He arched an eyebrow and she elaborated, “I worry about you straining your neck when you have to lean down so much.”

“Want me to go sit in Slughorn’s chair? You can sit on my lap,” James wheedled.

“Don’t you dare!” Lily growled.

By his tie (and this was a fantasy he’d considered several times), she dragged him towards one of the student desks instead, hopping up so that her mouth was on level with his. Her legs swung upwards and settled on the desk so that he could easily reach her lips but her lower body was completely inaccessible to him. James figured this was a good thing. This was Lily’s show, and while he had infinite respect for her, she was going to have to be the one who set the limits on what she was okay with physically. He sure as hell wasn’t going to put up any extra barriers.

They snogged like that – tongues having the chance to really explore for the first time – for another twenty minutes until their lips were both wet and shining. Anyone who walked in would take one look at them, with their tousled hair and flushed cheeks, and immediately know what they’d been up to. James wished he had a camera so that he could forever stare at the normally immaculate Lily looking rumpled and thoroughly snogged.

“Did you make me proud today?” James asked a tad huskily.

“Excuse me?”

“On McGonagall’s exam? Was it all worth it?”

His hand had slid her sleeve just an inch further down her shoulder so that he could see the freckled skin there. With his thumb he rubbed a light circle against her skin.

“You’re an arse, you know that? An arse or an idiot,” Lily said.

“Probably both,” James agreed.

Smiling, Lily said, “I did fine. Despite your bad influence, I got my revision done, and it’s going to be worth it.”

“Well, don’t you have it all. Lily Evans, beautiful, clever, all around star student. Likely to go on to be a star citizen too.”

“Shut up!” Lily giggled, and then she kissed him to make sure he did just that. A single kiss that somehow spiraled into several single kisses and then a full-blown snogging session that made the passing of time blur and James’ lips ache.

Even though they both knew they had to stop as it was nearing curfew, James peppered her with a barrage of quick kisses as if trying to chug water before a drought. It made her giggle, which pleased him, and lean forward for more, breasts brushing against his chest, which thrilled him.

“Go before I change my mind,” James ordered.

Lily giggled and flicked the tip of her tongue out to draw slowly along his bottom lip, which was quite possibly the cruelest thing anyone had ever done to him, before hopping down off the desk and taking her leave. After a few minutes in which he righted himself, he followed.

To his surprise, Sirius was lurking outside waiting for him. It was obvious that he still hadn’t gotten any sleep if his dark under-eye circles were any indication. He was clearly agitated, not because he was pacing or fidgeting in any obvious manner, but because of the glint in his eye, the kind of look that on another member of the Black family usually predicated violence.

“Padfoot?” James asked.

“You still have that letter?” Sirius asked a little hoarsely. It was then, hearing the slur in his voice, that James realized Sirius was also very drunk.

“No, I burned it,” James joked, trying to lighten the mood. “Sure, I have it.”

“Have you read it?”

“You asked me not to,” James said simply.

Sirius nodded, accepting his answer. “I want you to read it now. I want you to read it in front of me, so I can watch your face.”

James considered his friend, trying to determine whether he could convince him this was a bad idea. Because it was a bad idea, and Sirius ought to know it. There were no doubts in Sirius’s eyes though. He had that bitter determination he sometimes showed where he was going to go through with something even if he knew it was going to devastate him. Sirius wasn’t someone who ran from consequences.

“Where?”

“Here’s fine,” Sirius said shortly.

“Slughorn could come back,” James pointed out.

“Unlikely.”

“Come on, mate. You don’t want me to be halfway through and have Mrs. Norris come round the corner,” James said reasonably. “Let’s go back to the dormitory at least.”

“Here’s fine,” Sirius said with the barest hint of a snarl in his voice.

It was enough to make James shut up completely. He patted at his robes until he found the letter, which he’d been carrying on his person since Sirius gave it to him, knowing that the moment he let it out of his sight, Sirius’s resolve would break and he’d steal it for himself.

James hoped that Sirius would sit down or something so this would be less intense, but there was going to be nothing casual about this reading. Sirius remained standing opposite him, eyes intense and hungry, never leaving James’ face for a moment.

Mouth dry, James unfurled the letter and let his eyes fall to the words before him.

_Sirius,_

_It would gratify your father and I if you would return home for the Christmas holidays. It’s selfish of you to abandon your brother to a holiday spent without the company of anyone his age. He’ll miss you._

_You’ll be leaving Hogwarts soon, and it is vital we make plans for your future. Please overlook your pride and your indignation and do your mother – who nursed and raised you with all the affection she could access – this one favor._

_I know you think I view you as a disappointment, that Regulus is my preferred son. I cannot deny my regard for your brother as his every action brings honor to our house and name. That you have engaged in activity I find distasteful is similarly without argument. I do, however, recognize within you a capacity for greatness, and I find solace in the nights where I weep at your absence, imagining the honorable man you are likely to become._

_You have brought me a suffering that only a mother can know, but I have loved you from the moment I saw you – grey curious eyes so like my father’s. Erasing you from the tapestry was much easier than erasing you from my now-broken heart._

_The power to repair my shattered heart rests solely with you. Please show a hint of compassion for the woman who birthed you and come home._

_Best regards,_

_Your Mother_

Every muscle in James’ face tensed as he lowered the letter. He strained to maintain an appropriate expression even as he had no clue what an appropriate expression would have looked like under these circumstances.

Hoarsely, James said, “You don’t want to read this.”

Keeping Padfoot away from this toxic letter had to be his only priority. James would put his friend in a body-bind and eat the damned letter before he let Sirius lay eyes on it. Making your own decisions was all well and good, but in this case, James knew what was best for him.

“I know,” Sirius said even as he stared at the letter clenched in James’ hand rather than at James himself. “You didn’t look angry.”

“What?”

“It can’t have said anything too terrible about me or your face would have shown it,” Sirius said. “There must have been no ‘Sirius, you accursed waste of space had I only thought to smash your infant head upon the wall, my life would have been better for it.’”

“Has Walburga said that to you?” Even after all this time, disbelief that a mother could be so cruel to her son colored his tone.

Sirius shrugged ambiguously.

“It’s…I’m not angry. I’m furious,” James clarified. “This is meant to manipulate you, to guilt you into com– into doing what she wants.”

Sirius looked thoughtful. “My mother’s never been a subtle woman.”

“She’s expanded her villainous retinue,” James said drily.

That drew a laugh from Sirius, more wooden than James would have liked to hear, but genuine all the same.

“Just…I won’t read it, but can you tell me one line at least?” Sirius asked.

James wracked his mind for the least damaging sentence in the letter. He couldn’t possibly share any of the praise – if you could call it that – Walburga had addressed to her son because it would only embitter or confuse him. Similarly, the manipulative pleas for Sirius to care for her would make him feel guilty. As much as he liked to deny it, Sirius carried a deep-held belief that there was something inherently wrong with him. That he’d been born selfish. Walburga may have confirmed this to him a thousand times, but James wouldn’t let there be a thousand and one.

His fingers smoothed over the ink. Like the dramatic snob she was, Walburga Black had sent her disowned son an embossed letter, so the gilded letters were raised.

“There’s a sentence about how Regulus brings honor to the Great House of Black with everything he does,” James said finally.

Sirius chuckled, “Ah yes, the why can’t you be more like your brother question. I’ve missed hearing that one a dozen times a day.”

“Yeah, Walburga needs some new material. But I reckon that would be too similar to new blood, and we both know how she feels about that,” James joked lamely.

Sirius turned to walk away, so James called after him, “Wait! Where are you off to?”

“Bed,” Sirius said plainly. Vulnerably. “I think I can finally sleep now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m crying. I love them all so much. Please review if you’re so inclined. Thanks!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated M. Not ‘oh-wow-that’s-explicit’ M but M all the same. Also, I'm abandoning the chapter naming conventions because I don't care enough to put the requisite thought into each one. It's annoying, done last minute, and not remotely clever. Good riddance.

**Oct. 19, 1977**

“James, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I said I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem fine…”

“Lily!”

“I’m just trying to help.”

“…I know…just give me a minute, okay?”

Lily retreated to the far side of the Heads’ office and waited for James to tell her it was okay to talk again. They’d agreed to meet in the Heads’ offices to catch up on the work that they hadn’t been able to accomplish due to Lily’s vexing detention the day before. Opportunists the both of them, they’d also used the time to thoroughly reacquaint themselves with each other. Reaquaint in the most physical sense of the word.

Things had been going well, better than well in fact. All of the normal adjectives to describe an experience felt too bland, too lackluster compared to how vigorously snogging James felt. The more descriptive adjectives, however, made her blush just thinking them – a mixture between embarrassment at the ribald and humor at cheesy romance.

She’d been sitting on the desk, James standing between her legs when he’d given a little thrust upwards, perfectly aligned to brush against where she was most sensitive. To her never-ending shame, she hadn’t exactly pushed him away. In fact, the casual observer might have noticed that she’d pulled his hair and kissed him all the more enthusiastically for the motion. Taking it as encouragement, James had done it again, this time harder and with a longer grind.

That had been more than enough to send Lily hurtling back to reality. A reality in which she and James weren’t dating, just messing around with one another. There were rules – ones she felt no need to share with him – that she’d have to adhere to herself if she wanted to maintain any sense of personal decency. Letting James slide between her legs, rutting until she wanted to keen from the pleasure, was decidedly not decent.

Lily had told him that they needed to stop snogging and get back to work, which had led to a very frustrated, unhappy James who was now slumped over the desk, both hands in his hair, as he tried to calm himself back down again. The pitiful sight was enough to make her feel rather guilty, but he’d already told her there was nothing she could do to help. Well, nothing she was willing to do anyway.

“Just talk about something,” James begged, words muffled by the desk.

“Like what?” Lily asked, mind drawing a complete blank as to what she could say to distract him.

“Anything,” James bit out. “Tell me about your parents.”

“My parents? Well, I dunno, there’s not much to say about them. They’re just normal, I guess,” Lily said.

The Evanses weren’t fantastical in any way. They weren’t wealthy or powerful or eccentric or magical or any of the things that made the Potters such a well-respected family. Even as a child when her parents were supposed to be her entire world, Lily had recognize that they were simple people. That there was something bigger and greater just beyond her reach, and that her parents couldn’t even see it, let alone consider reaching out for it.

To aid in James’ plight, Lily tried to come up with something all the same. “My mum likes crafts. Making things with her hands and art supplies, though I wouldn’t really call anything she does art. She quilts a lot. She and the ladies from our church all meet twice a week, and they sit in this big circle and quilt. I don’t know how to quilt at all but they have these big, wooden hoops and they sit there for hours just talking about their kids and their husbands and the other ladies from church.”

“Does she ever sell them?” James asked.

“No, never. Though you’d think she would considering a little extra money would be nice. If we sent her to a craft show, she’d just spend all the money she made plus extra on baubles though, so I guess it wouldn’t make much of a difference,” Lily said. “She gives everything she makes away as gifts. And any extra clothes or quilts she makes go to charity.”

“Your mum sounds nice,” James said.

“She is,” Lily agreed, though secretly she thought it took very little to be considered nice and there were much loftier compliments to aspire to.

“Your dad?” James asked.

“He’s quiet, hardworking. He never has a lot to say about anything. Well, except about the things he disapproves of. Get him on the topic of the Soviets or atheists and it’s impossible to get him to stop talking,” Lily said.

“Funny how all parents are like that,” James said.

Lily tried to imagine the types of things Mr. Potter must complain about to his family. Did he sit at the kitchen table, eyes narrowed at the Sunday paper like her father did? Mutter under his breath about the steady dissolution of his country’s values? Lily couldn’t picture the man she’d seen on the train platform all those years ago – composed, uninterested in everything around him – engaging in the same behavior as her father. The difference was that Mr. Potter was a man who could react to the changes in the world he disapproved of. People would care what opinions he held. No one was interested in the opinion of a construction foreman like her father.

“You have a sister too, right? What was her name again? Daisy? Blossom?” James’ eyebrows drew together as he ran through his catalogue of flower names.

“Petunia,” Lily corrected.

He was looking a lot better, sitting up and giving her his full attention now, so Lily sat down at the desk opposite him. James gave her a small, close-mouthed smile, one that conveyed his bashfulness at the absurdity of the dramatics minutes before and had her chest thudding at how sweet he could look when he wasn’t strutting about arrogantly.

“I always wanted a sibling, but it was really hard for my parents to have me. They’re both pretty old, yeah? I used to hate it, running about the house with no other kids to play with. I was never _lonely_ ,” he said stressing the word. “There were always people around, but there’s nothing like someone your own age to play with.”

“That’s kind of sad, James,” Lily said.

He shrugged and started to unwrap a chocolate frog. “I got the brother I wanted in the end, so it all worked out.”

The chocolate frog hopped away from him and Lily reached out to snag it before it could take off and track chocolatey footprints all over their paperwork. Graciously, Lily stretched out her hand to offer it back to James only to pop it into her mouth at the last moment. James squawked in outrage at the loss of his treat, but Lily hardly cared.

“How dare you!” he cried.

“That’s how I know you’re an only child. You never learned to share,” Lily crowed triumphantly.

James had no legitimate reason to complain anyways, she learned a moment later as he pulled a second chocolate frog out of his robes. She realized that she oughtn’t to have eaten the candy in the first place seeing as it was a Wednesday not a Friday, but she’d reacted automatically. Too excited for a chance to torment James a little to remember that she shouldn’t be indulging.

“And you’re clearly a younger sibling. Spoiled,” James said.

“Trust me, it’s never been said that Petunia spoils me,” Lily said, rolling her eyes. When James raised an eyebrow, Lily explained, “Our relationship is a little…strained. Petunia’s kind of an exacting personality, and I don’t quite meet her standards.”

“Wait, you’re not good enough for your sister?” James asked, sounding flatteringly shocked.

“Well…I mean…she wrote me a letter Monday, so I really think we’re on track for things to get better…” Lily trailed off unconvincingly. The contents of the letter had been the exact opposite of promising.

“No, I just meant, how high could her standards possibly be? You’re like fucking perfect,” James said.

Boys should be required to provide a written warning three days in advance before saying something like that, Lily thought. Such effusive praise, delivered with a tone of voice that implied it was the most obvious thing in the world, was enough to leave Lily speechless. Speechless and warm.

James’ next words did a lot to crush that.

“I mean obviously you’re one of the most obnoxious people I’ve ever met. You have enough flaws to fill a thousand-page book, but like on the surface-level stuff, you’re damn near perfect,” James finished.

“Wow, you really know how to romance a girl, Potter,” Lily said drily.

“Clearly,” James said with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows. “If it makes you feel better, I think your sister just doesn’t like you because your parents clearly love you more.”

Lily spluttered. That was certainly a complaint Petunia had voiced several times, but Lily had never really thought there was much of a basis for it. And how on earth would James know something like that? The only facts he knew about her family were the ones she’d just shared with him. She couldn’t fathom the kind empathetic abilities it would have taken to figure something like that out.

“They do not,” Lily said.

“Of course they do,” James said confidently. “They named you Lily and her _Petunia –”_ he managed to make her sister’s name sound disgusting rather than the name of an aesthetically pleasing flower. “– they obviously hated your sister from the moment she was born and loved you.”

“Petunia is a lovely name,” Lily said in a voice that only partially succeeded in hiding her amusement.

With a wrinkled nose, James emphatically said, “No, it’s not. Tun, pet, nia. Those are hideous sounds. Compare that to your name. L’s a great sounding letter. You’re the clear winner.”

“Well your parents clearly thought you were going to be an accountant. What kind of unoriginal name is James? It’s so boring,” Lily said. She was feeling just a little defensive of her parent’s naming abilities.

“Excuse you, my full name is great: James Fleamont Potter. Good, strong name, for their good, strong son,” James said. He had to kind of shout the second half because Lily burst out laughing upon hearing his middle name.

“Fleamont? What kind of awful name is Fleamont?” Lily gasped.

“My father’s name,” James said without a hint of shame. “And my grandfather’s before that.”

“I’m just saying it’s like someone took a bug and tried to make it sound posh,” Lily said drily. “If you’d had a brother, would they have named him beetlemont?”

“Unlike some people, my parents don’t believe in themed names for their children,” James said.

It was annoyingly difficult to come up with any kind of retort to that, so Lily settled for a childish, “Whatever.”

“Let’s play a game,” James said suddenly.

“All the hairs on the back of my neck just stood straight up,” Lily said.

James rolled his eyes. “It’s not anything bad. Just a friendly game of would-you-rather.”

“Alright, James Fleamont,” Lily agreed even though she knew he was only trying to skive off doing work. It would only help her win the damn bet.

“Would you rather have to fight a swarm of hundreds of rats or one three-hundred-foot rat?” James asked.

Lily gagged. The mental image of all those scurrying paws, of them knocking her down and overtaking her, was disgusting.

“I can use magic?” Lily clarified.

“Course,” James said because he was a pureblood. Lily always forgot that they viewed magic as a guaranteed extension of themselves. Not having magic would be something to comment on.

“Definitely the big one then. Easier to hit a larger target and all. Besides, a part of what makes rats so disgusting is how small they are. I don’t think I’d mind a Godzilla rat so much,” Lily said.

She then had to spend five minutes explaining what Godzilla was before James was satisfied with her answer. Wizard or not, boys were still boys and enormous rampaging lizards always held their interest.

 “Okay, my turn,” Lily said. “Would you rather eat nothing but pork for the rest of your life or never kiss a girl again?”

“I don’t see how those two things are related,” James laughed. “But, easy. Never kiss a girl again.”

“Seriously?”

“You should have made it tougher. Plenty to do besides kissing,” James shrugged.

“Okay…then, shagging,” Lily said, fighting against her every instinct that said shagging was a subject she should not be discussing with James Potter.

“Still not living on nothing but pork for the rest of my life. I’m not about getting scurvy,” James said.

Lily had assumed James would never pick the sensible option in a game like this. She was rather impressed that he’d answered so reasonably.

“Would you rather go on a date to Hogsmeade with our noble caretaker, Argus Filch? Or have to hang upside down by your toes in his dungeon for an hour during detention?” James asked.

Lily looked at him askance. “What kind of –? Obviously, I’d prefer the date.”

“It’s not a given, Lily. He’s gross!” James protested.

“He’s perfectly sweet, and I don’t know why you can’t be kinder to him,” Lily chastised. “By my toes, indeed!”

James muttered something about barmy witches, but Lily wasn’t paying attention, too busy trying to identify her next question. “I’ve got it. Would you rather not speak to Sirius for a year, but you can talk to anyone else, or only be able to speak to Severus for a month?”

James blanched. “What kind of sick –? How could I possibly choose one of those?”

“It’s your game,” Lily shrugged.

“Okay, I’ve just gotta be logical here,” James said, running his hands together like he was getting down to business.

“Yes, because this is surely a game that requires deep analysis,” Lily said sarcastically.

James shushed her before asking, “Can we write each other? Shout through walls? What if he’s in the room with me, but I address all my comments to Remus as a middleman? Do I have to talk to Snape or can I just not talk to anyone for a month? Complete isolation.”

“Umm, you can’t communicate with Sirius at all and you’ll have to spend at least three hours with Severus a day,” Lily said.

“I don’t think Sirius could make it a year without me, so Snape it is,” James decided. “What would you do if it was your best mate and person you hate most?”

“I’d go without seeing Shelia for a year. No question,” Lily said.

“That’s cold, Evans,” James said.

“Well, seeing as the person I hate most wants to assault and murder me, I think my answer is pretty justified,” Lily said glibly.

Only James didn’t find much humor in her words at all, judging by the way his face darkened and knuckles paled. Each finger in his clenched fist looked like the nub of an eraser.

“What are you talking about?” James demanded.

“Nothing,” Lily said quickly, pretending to take an interest on the already perfected prefect’s rounds schedule.

“Lily, what were you talking about?” James said, evidently unfooled.

“I’m a muggleborn, James. That’s how it is,” Lily said in a voice that brooked no argument. “I think we should snog some more.”

Something told her that distracting him from this subject was going to be a battle, and she couldn’t think of anything more effective than preying on his hormones. Lily ran her foot up his calf, but James abruptly shoved his chair back to force an unbreachable distance between them.

“Who’s been bothering you?” James practically shouted.

“I never said anyone was bothering me. There are plenty of people at this school who I know support Voldemort even if they’ve never done anything to me personally,” Lily said.

It was true. She could name seven students off-hand who would view her death as a cause for celebration. That one of them had taken to threatening and intimidating her was none of James’ business.

“If someone is hurting you, Lily, you have to tell me,” James insisted again.

He was red-faced and wild-eyed and maybe if Lily hadn’t been so overcome herself, she would have felt sorry for him. The idea that she was suffering was clearly hitting him hard. This was, however, a taboo subject for Lily, and James’ refusal to heed her wishes had not done much to arouse her sympathy.

“There’s nothing I have to tell you,” Lily snapped.

“Bollocks! I don’t know why you have to be so bloody stubborn, but –”

“We’re just snogging! I don’t owe you explanations,” Lily shouted.

James burst to his feet. “Are you out of your fucking mind? Just snogging? You know how I…I don’t need to be your boyfriend to care about you!”

Something hot and terrible swelled in her chest and Lily worried she might start crying at any moment. There was too much meaning in what James had left unsaid.

Before she could stop herself, Lily asked, “Do you want to be –? What do you want, James?”

The desperation in her voice wasn’t enough to calm him down, wasn’t enough to convince him to retake his seat, but it did make him soften somewhat.

“You shouldn’t hide these things from people. From me,” James said, effectively sidestepping her half articulated question.

“I’m the one who has to live with this shite, so if you could stop making me feel worse about it, that’d be great,” Lily spat.

Now James sat down, and Lily was filled with the terrible fear that she’d broken him. The only time she’d seen James this miserable was the night Peter broke his spine. These two incidents shouldn’t have been of comparable severity.

“It’s just not fair,” James said miserably, slumped over the desk.

“I know,” Lily agreed because it wasn’t.

“We’re friends, Lil. I really would care even if we weren’t snogging. Hell, you know I’d care if we weren’t friends at all. You know that,” James said earnestly.

“I know,” Lily agreed softly because she did.

The silence that descended over them wasn’t awkward, but it was oppressive. Lily wasn’t sure what she could say to comfort him that wouldn’t give him too much power over her.

On a purely rational level, Lily knew that she ought to tell someone, anyone, about Nott. There was nothing to be ashamed of on her end, and yet…Nott made her feel powerless. Tattling to James and letting him fight her battles wasn’t going to make her feel any more empowered. Beating Nott on her own terms was the only way she could think of accomplishing that. As much as she cared about James, she wasn’t willing to sacrifice that for him. He may feel awful finding out that Lily was being harassed, but Lily was the one living through the abuse.

Finally, Lily stood up from her chair and slid into James’ lap instead. He looked startled and then recalcitrant, like he knew she was going to try to make him feel better, and he refused to cooperate. She sat facing him so that her hands wound around his neck and her feet dangled in front of his.

She pet at his hair, watching as the untidy strands flattened and then shot up again defiantly. Despite her petting, James continued to scowl into the distance, so Lily dropped her chin to his shoulder and waited. She didn’t need to wait long before James started to rub soothing circles into her sides. Lily basked in the feeling even as her mind began to scream at the realization that she and James were officially cuddling.

As much as she wanted to be strong, Lily realized she needed a little comforting too.

Lily kissed him once more, confident that he was no longer pouting. With a surprising amount of enthusiasm considering he’d seemed so tired of the world moments before, he reciprocated. He put a lot of strength into the kiss as if to convey a message, though what that message might be, Lily wasn’t sure. He wasn’t frenzied exactly, but when his tongue moved demandingly into her mouth, it did so with enough passion to make her keen quietly in the back of her throat.

Like before, there came a moment where James’ hips unintentionally thrust upwards, the natural response to what they were doing. What was different was that this time, Lily didn’t panic. All her rules about propriety had been built around the idea that this was casual, emotionless snogging. That James didn’t care. At least, not enough. The past twenty minutes had proved that was hardly true. So if James wanted to rub his prick along the crease of her inner thigh a bit and Lily wanted to circle her hips a little in return, well, there was nothing wrong with that.

The way his trouser-covered cock collided with her lower body sent wonderful shivers down Lily’s spine. Unthinkingly, her nails dug into the hard muscle of his shoulder. In retaliation, he nipped at her lower lip until it swelled, one raw nerve ending. His lips weren’t faring much better, and in between kisses, she marveled at how ruddy they were, all the more striking as his face grew pale from the blood rushing south.

Liking the redness of his lips, Lily decided she might appreciate the color in other places as well. She flipped her mass of curls to the side – James watching their descent over her shoulder like he’d been mesmerized – so that she could gain access to his neck. James bared it eagerly so that Lily could suck, bite, and lick at the skin around the vein that pulsed there.

A particularly sharp nip had James resuming his grinding motions from before. Only this time, Lily didn’t think there was anything accidental about it. With both hands, he gripped her hips and encouraged her to slide along in time with him. Each buck of his hips sent her pelvis colliding into his, and she very quickly ran out of breath at the awful building inside of her. Lily had to stop her assault on his throat – now nicely marked with two little love bites that bloomed just south of where his robes would cover – so that she could focus on her breathing.

“James,” Lily panted. “Can I give you a hickey where people can see it?”

His immediate answer was to slam his cock into her hard before growling, “Fuck. Do it.”

She mapped out the spot where she wanted to mark him with as clinical an eye as she could manage given she was quickly coming apart. Her eyes landed on the spot just beneath his jaw. She recalled seeing a hickey to the right of it just a few weeks ago. No amount of mounting territorialness would convince her to put it in the exact same spot, but right above it – where he would be forced to remember this moment every time he looked in a mirror – would do.

With the hand that wasn’t guiding her movements, James began a cautious quest beneath her robes. His movements were hesitant as if he knew a wrong move would bring their fun to a screeching halt. At first he resigned himself to familiar territory, smoothing over her sides, kneading her back. James wasn’t exactly the timid sort though, so Lily was hardly surprised when a daring thumb slid along the right-side of her breast. She didn’t stop him, and the thumb turned into a palm.

“Fuck. So soft,” James groaned.

He didn’t move inward toward her peaked nipple, which might have been enough to startle her, but instead contented himself with caressing the undersides through her shirt and bra. It was torturous enough though that while Lily wasn’t certain she was rationally ready for James to have free access to her breasts, she was moments away from forcing his hands to stimulate her nipples anyway.

Her body temperature spiked to the point that their drafty office now felt like a sauna. They were both sweating and between the litany of ‘gods’ and ‘ohs’ that encompassed most of her thoughts, came the errant worry that she wouldn’t have time to change robes before the prefect meeting at eight.

That thought was effectively chased away when her clit brushed the hard fastenings of James’ trousers. As good as it felt, it made her wonder whether everything would feel even _better_ without clothes in between them. For the first time in her life, Lily imagined James Potter naked, and the picture she drew of him was very pleasing and only made the tingling in her pussy worse.

Lily abandoned his now bruised neck so that she could sit back and take over the angle of their humping. It took less than a minute of her slamming her pelvis into his to feel her orgasm start crashing down around her. As the world narrowed in focus and her breathing became labored, she kept eye contact with James. She soaked up the sight of him – glasses askew and mouth parted – as she came twitching in his lap.

James wore the expression of a man who had just witnessed magic for the first time.

She collapsed shuddering into his chest and James peppered kisses upon the crown of her head. His thrusting remained unrelenting, and Lily oscillated between overwhelmed aftershocks and spasms of reluctant pleasure as James sought his own satisfaction.

Lady Luck, who had so favored James throughout most of his charmed life, abandoned him then. The door loudly opened, and Lily went flying out of his lap. James’ hands thoughtlessly stretched towards her as if to bring her back even as he registered that they’d just been interrupted.

Looking respectively amused and alarmed were Remus and Dorcas.

“Well, well, well. What have we here?” Remus asked smugly.

“Have you never heard of knocking?” James growled.

“We did,” Dorcas said sheepishly.

Lily wanted to die. She stood perfectly still as if they might forget she was there and what they’d just witnessed. If Lily were to write a list of the best people who could walk in on her during a round of heavy petting, Remus and Dorcas would be towards the very top. They were both kind and circumspect. To Lily, however, it hardly mattered though because _anyone_ walking in on her qualified as one of her worst nightmares. She wanted to pat her hair out of what she was sure looked like a sex-crazed tangle, but she worried the motion would draw attention to herself.

“The prefects were wondering where their leaders were and why they’d abandoned us,” Remus said, still obnoxiously amused.

Alarmed, Lily forgot she was meant to be playing statue and grabbed James’ wrist. He hissed a little as she twisted it around to see the face of his watch. Any other time, she would have taken a moment to study it as wizarding watches were fascinating. James’ watch had three faces – gold, silver, and bronze – with one telling the traditional time, one relating somehow to Quidditch, and one that was a ticking countdown towards some mysterious event. She’d have liked to ask James about it, but the time – half past – stole her attention.

“We’re half an hour late!” Lily screeched.

“We’ll of course lie about what kept you,” Dorcas offered awkwardly.

“This is –! I –” Lily rounded on James. “This is all your fault!”

“Right. We’ll tell them you’re coming,” Dorcas said quickly, dragging along Remus who appeared reluctant to miss the show.

Lily frantically righted herself as best she could though there was nothing to do for her visibly kiss-bruised lips. Only when she finished did she notice that James was making no effort to get ready.

“What are you doing? We need to go!” Lily cried.

“I’ll follow in a few minutes,” James said.

“James, you have to take this seriously,” Lily began to lecture, only to stop when her eyes landed on tented robes. “Oh.”

“Oh,” he parroted back.

“Right, don’t be too long, then,” Lily said uncomfortably. She took three steps out of the room before she spun back around to ask from the doorway. “Are you going to think about…just now, while you…?”

James laughed loudly but his answer didn’t sound like a joke when he said, “Yeah, I’ll be thinking about you.”

Heat spread through her and it would have been just as accurate to call it embarrassment as arousal. No one had ever thought about her while they…pursued their own pleasure before. At least not that she was aware of. Never before had there been someone she wanted to think about her either.

“I’ll see you in a few minutes,” Lily said quickly, whipping out of the doorway so he wouldn’t catch her embarrassment.

“You can bet on it,” James called after her.

 

Returning to the girls’ dormitory after what could only be described as an unmitigated disaster of a prefect meeting, Lily had found that all the girls except Alice were out. It had been a while since the two girls had spent any time alone together that wasn’t spent in stony silence or fits of melodrama. For half a second, Lily had considered making her excuses and going to the library, but something about Alice’s Gryffindor red-and-gold pajamas set her at ease, so Lily had crawled in bed alongside her instead.

Now they sat on opposite ends of the bed, the blankets rucked up around them and textbooks strewn in the space not occupied by their bodies. Alice was being a blanket-hog, so Lily had tucked her toes under her friend’s thigh to try to steal some of the warmth off of her. To an outsider, they’d look like two girls who had never had so much as a difference of opinion before.

Lily looked up from her Runes textbook long enough to notice that Alice’s quill was looping across the parchment, leaving shapes that could in no way resemble letters of the English alphabet.

“You’re not even pretending to revise are you?” Lily asked.

“I’m working on something much more important,” Alice said. She flipped around her sheet of parchment to show a crude sketch of Mulciber being eaten by the mermaids in the Black Lake.

“Eww. That’s cannibalistic,” Lily said.

Alice shook her head. “Completely different species, Evans. Nothing cannibalistic about it. Mermaids are perfectly free to take a bite out of a nice, plump death eater.”

Lily wrinkled her nose at the drawing once more because regardless of how much she despised Mulciber, she wouldn’t like anyone to be eaten by a mermaid. Or any other creature for that matter. Eaten alive seemed a terrible way to go. All of that chomping.

“Is there a reason you’re offing Mulciber in your imagination rather than focusing on Charms?” Lily asked.

“Is there a reason you’re being a nosy stick-in-the-mud rather than focusing on Runes?” Alice retorted.

“Yes, in fact there is,” Lily said. When Alice looked at her questionably, Lily leaned forward to whisper, “It’s because I am, in fact, a nosy stick-in-the-mud.”

As Alice guffawed, Lily felt a rush of contentment more comforting than a warm blanket that spread throughout her body. Immediately, the feeling of happiness was replaced with one of alarm. Some of her contentment could be directly traced to finally having things return to normal with Alice. Lily had no issue with that. No, her newfound alarm related to the fact that she was preening under Alice’s approval again.

She had thought that after explaining her insecurities around Alice out loud to James, she would have been able to move past those feelings. Once you recognized your irrationality, it should be easy to correct it, right?

With absolute confidence, Lily could say that she wanted to be Alice’s friend. She did not, however, want to return to a time where she measured her every word to try to gain Alice’s approval. It wasn’t healthy. Yet here she was, taking an extra moment to make sure her banter was as sharp as can be, tailoring her responses to what she thought would make Alice laugh, and then basking in the afterglow.

Something of her panic must have shown in her face because Alice’s laughter trailed off unnaturally. To Lily’s relief, Alice steered the conversation back onto course for her by asking why she needed a reason to hate Mulciber. Lily didn’t know how she felt about the realization that she hadn’t matured past her insecurities and wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, so the distraction was welcome.

“You don’t need a _reason_ ,” Lily said. “But you’ve never really skived off your work before.”

Of their year, Alice wasn’t anywhere near the top, but she wasn’t a poor student either. Unlike most of their classmates, she didn’t find revision a chore, and tackled her schoolwork without complaints. Her interest only stretched so far, of course, which may have been the best explanation for her average marks. What Alice lacked in natural talent, however, she made up for in discipline. Alice didn’t need someone to police her – like say Marlene who needed to be reminded to return to her schoolwork every five minutes or Shelia who had to be practically held down while a book was shoved in front of her protesting face – she was perfectly capable of handling herself. It was something Lily had always admired about her.

“I don’t see the point,” Alice said simply.

“The point?” Lily asked because the only point she was struggling to see was Alice’s response.

“Yes, Lily. The point,” Alice said brusquely. “Let’s say I spend all these hours revising and get good NEWTs. So what? What exactly am I planning to do with these great scores? I have no goals. No plans, and even if I did, it’s not going to matter much with a bloody war on. No one’s going to be hiring when the world is falling to pieces.”

If Marlene had been there, she would have reminded them it was only wizarding Britain in shambles. The rest of the world was trucking along just fine.

“You can’t not work after we leave Hogwarts. What are you going to do for money?” Lily asked aghast.

Pureblood though she may be, Alice’s family was not wealthy by anyone’s standards. They wouldn’t be able to support her if she came home. Worse, who would want to return to living with their parents after spending nine months out of every year at Hogwarts? The return would be stifling, soul-crushing. Going home would require a witch to shrink herself to fit her family’s life, and Alice took up more figurative space than just about anyone Lily had ever met.

“I don’t know, Lily!” Alice said, throwing her arms out in clear exasperation. “I just know everything is shite, yeah?”

It was hard to argue with that.

“Say there was no war. Just imagine it. What would you want to do then?” Lily asked.

Alice’s hard jaw jutted upward and she scowled but it was aimed at the world more than at Lily. “Fuck if I know.”

“I know how that feels,” Lily agreed, glumly slumping backwards into the pillows propped against her back.

The door opened, signaling the return of Shelia and Marlene who entered just in time to catch Lily’s dramatic drop onto the pillows.

“Is Lily moping over her failed prefect meeting?” Shelia asked cheerfully.

“You heard about that?” Lily screamed.

“Doreen Myers told Kate Nwaneri who’s told pretty much everyone in Hufflepuff that you and James blew off the first half of the meeting to either shag each other or go rampaging through the Forbidden Forest with a gang of giants. That part’s not clear. It’s generally agreed upon though that James came in shirtless and covered in bruises, and that you barely got anything done, succeeding in wasting everyone’s time,” Shelia recounted with far more eagerness than was strictly necessary.

Lily flipped over so that she could bury her face in the pillow and let out a stifled moan of despair. All her hard work over the years, and this – these outrageous, exaggerated lies were going to be what people remembered her for.

“Hewaswearingashirt,” Lily grumbled into the pillow.

“Sorry, dear. Couldn’t quite catch that,” Shelia said, plopping down on the bed and forcing Lily to begrudgingly scoot over.

Lifting her head off the pillow, she repeated, “I said, he was wearing a shirt.”

“I kind of assumed that part was exaggerated,” Marlene said, launching herself onto the bed as well with little regard for the limited space and the way it was sure to cramp their limbs.

“I dunno, it is Potter. He’s not one to miss a chance to show off,” Alice said, joining in the fun. If harassing their good mate Lily could even be qualified as such.

Lily resembled nothing more than a blanket-swaddled tomato as she tried to burrow away from her friends and the horrible lies that had them in fits of giggles.

“What actually happened?” Shelia asked kindly.

Head peeking above the blankets, Lily muttered, “We may have been a little on the late side…and there may have been some snogging.”

As any occurrence of Lily’s lips being in the same vicinity as James’ was an impossibility as far as her mates were concerned, this set off a round of squealing and exclamations. Only Shelia, who had already known about the Heads’ newfound randiness for each other, remained quiet. Dutifully, Lily gave a quick rundown on her relationship with James as her friends leaned forward in rapt attention.

“I’m so proud of you,” Marlene sighed, snuggling into Lily’s side.

Lily was saved from having to point out that she’d done nothing worthy of praise by Alice who sensibly asked if they’d managed to get anything accomplished in the prefect meeting after their late entrance. The short answer was yes. The long answer was that it had been nearly impossible to regain control of the room after their rumpled arrival. By being late, Lily and James had sacrificed all authority over the group of vicious teenagers that made up the top students at Hogwarts, and they’d had to fight down accusations and attempts to belittle their leadership from the Slytherins. All while also fielding invasive questions from the gossipy fifth-year prefects from across the houses. It had only been against all the odds that they’d managed to come to any decisions.

“At one point, I think they held a vote of no-confidence on my post as Head Girl. I think there was a coup!” Lily related miserably. “I’m surprised they let me leave the room with my badge. I suppose I’ll have to go return it to Dumbledore tomorrow.”

Shelia rolled her eyes. “Now you’re just making things up. We would have heard if you’d actually lost Head Girl.”

“It’s not like the prefects get to decide that anyway,” Alice agreed comfortingly.

“And even if they did, you’d be fine,” Marlene added. “Besides look at it this way, a failed prefect meeting on James’ watch just means he’s failing the bet.”

Reluctantly and with a great deal of dramatic sighing, Lily emerged fully from her makeshift hideaway. Technically speaking, they hadn’t _actually_ tried to depose her. Her mates were right and she was just being a big baby.

“We’re going to have a scavenger hunt on Saturday as one of the events Dumbledore wanted us to organize. It’s mostly for the younger students, but everyone will be free to play if they want,” Lily said.

“Sounds like a brill use of a Saturday,” Shelia teased.

Ignoring her, Marlene said, “That doesn’t give you much time to prepare.”

“The planning committee already took care of most of the details. Honestly, it’s super nice. I barely have to lift a finger,” Lily said. “Adrian’s the one who put it all together.”

This revelation set the girls off into a round of kissy noises that Lily bore with a temperance she had not known she possessed.

“We’re also doing a Quidditch turney in November. I’m not even touching that one. James is going to handle everything there. I think they’re starting the team planning next week, but who knows?” Lily continued.

“I liked the auction better,” Marlene muttered.

“You don’t need to ogle cute boys. You have Black,” Shelia reminded her sternly. “None of us – well, except Alice – need a man right now. For the first time, none of us are single and we need to appreciate it.”

There were a few logical fallacies there that immediately jumped out at Lily.

“I’m pretty sure I count,” Alice snorted.

“You’ve said several hundred times that you never plan to date again, so no, you don’t,” Shelia said dismissively.

“I’m single!” Lily protested.

“Mhmm,” Shelia drew out the syllables in a way that conveyed pure disbelief. “I’m adding Erik and James together. Between the two of them, I think you’ve got yourself a whole boyfriend.”

Lily frowned because she was fairly certain that relationships didn’t work like that. Two non-boyfriends did not a significant other make. She said as much.

“Between the two of us, who knows more about dating, Lily?” Shelia asked imperiously, hands on her hips. “Trust the expert. You’re practically married by now.”

“Well then, what about you?” Marlene challenged. “You’re single too!”

Lily suspected that addressing this specific subject had been Shelia’s goal all along. At Marlene’s words, she grew coy, tracing patterns into the fabric of the blankets and refusing to meet their eyes. It was a routine every one of them was familiar with.

“Do you have a new boyfriend?” Alice asked in a bored voice after the suspense had built for a few moments.

Sighing dreamily, Shelia announced, “No, but I am in love.”

“Oh, come off it!” Alice cried at the same time Lily rolled her eyes.

Lily wanted to grab her beautiful friend and shake her by the shoulders until a kernel of sense dropped into her empty brain. No matter how many times she repeated the same soul-crushing cycle of gaining and losing a boyfriend, Shelia never learned her lesson. As much sympathy as Lily had for her friend every time she was chucked and broke down crying, there was a limitation on how long she could continue living like this.

“It’s true! I love him,” Shelia snarled, sounding more like a person on the verge of murder than a woman in love.

“You can’t possibly,” Lily argued.

“And why not?”

“Because you’ve only just met him! It’s Wednesday! The party where you two connected was Saturday!” Lily cried.

“I’ve known him for years. It’s just we’ve only now started talking,” Shelia explained. Her voice then took on a dreamy tone that made Lily’s stomach clench with want no matter how much she contested Shelia’s claims, “Trust me. This is…I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. Everything before now was just pretend, just practice.”

Against her better judgement, Lily asked quietly, “Well, what does it feel like? How do you know?”

“I’ve always thought there were two types of blokes. The boys who just pretend to agree with everything you say because they’re not even listening and the ones who have to argue everything. You know? The kind that have to prove they know more about you on every single subject?” Shelia began.

Everyone nodded. Lily personally preferred the ones that were too busy staring at her tits to the ones that never shut up.

“Well, he’s something else entirely. He challenges me on the things we disagree on, but it feels like he’s pushing me to grow somehow. Not just trying to get me to capitulate on a topic, if that makes any sense. I could talk to him for hours,” Shelia said.

Absolutely no one came to Lily’s mind upon hearing Shelia’s description. No one. She would swear to it on her Grandmother’s grave.

 “He’s not fooled by me at all either,” Shelia explained softly. “It’s like in three days he’s managed to see into the depth of my soul and just know who and what I am with such certainty…and what’s maddest of all is that he likes what he sees! Because that’s the difference you know. Most boys only like me until they get to know me and then they just _stop_. He’s different.”

Butterflies and rainbows and a million other beautiful metaphors bloomed in Lily’s stomach. She was intoxicated. Everything Shelia discussed, Lily wanted. And God did she want. She felt like her body was splintering into pieces under the sheer force of the wanting inside of her.

“Now you have to tell us who he is,” Marlene declared, but Shelia remained enigmatic.

She wasn’t yet ready to share her mysterious new lover. He belonged to her in a special, private place and they’d just have to become accustomed to waiting. Her refusal to share, more than anything, did wonders in convincing Lily that Shelia was serious.

All conversation was cut short when the final Gryffindor girl, Mary, entered the room.

With a raised eyebrow, she said, “Lily, I heard you and James tried to turn the prefect meeting into an orgy and started throwing hexes when people refused. Want to give the _Hogwarts Daily Mail_ an exclusive?”

“Oh my God!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! So who thought Lily was going to ruin everything for a second there? Even I wasn’t sure for a moment, but all is well. Review, drink plenty of water, and have wonderful weekends!


	30. Oct. 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for being late. I’m on vacation and this chapter was bullying me.

**October 20, 1977**

Dustin Pines was 176 centimeters tall, bollocks with women, and a chaser for Hufflepuff. It was what had landed him in the Hospital Wing in the first place – the being bollocks with women bit, not his height or the Quidditch, though that certainly wasn’t going to do him any favors if James had any say in the matter.

From behind his copy of the _Prophet_ , James watched as Dustin’s skin changed colors yet again, this time to a garish ruby that clashed horribly with the paisley bedding of his hospital cot. Pomfrey had told Pines that the spell – a polite rejection to his request for a date from Mable Smith – would wear off within the hour, and he would be able to make it to his Quidditch practice. James was dead set on preventing this at any cost.

“This is why we always use Wormy. You’re shit at reconnaissance. At least flip the paper over so it’s right-side up. At this rate, he’s going to make you before I finish this chocolate bar,” Sirius advised, rather unhelpfully as, upside-down paper or not, James’ stealth skills were top tier.

“Give him a break, Sirius,” Remus chuckled. “He’s over-reliant on the cloak. Doesn’t know the first thing about pulling off a prank without the help of his toys.”

James stopped eyeing Justin, who, yes, had appeared to take notice of the frequent looks James was sending him, so he could level a glare at his so-called friends. They were decidedly less interested in James’ cause of Quidditch sabotage as Sirius devoted his attention to Peter’s get-well-soon chocolate stash and Remus focused on their injured friend. Fortunately, James doubted he’d need anyone’s help to fell poor Dustin.

“So, how was your day?” Remus asked Peter.

James groaned loudly as listening to Peter describe his day was a chore and a half. As Remus often reminded him, however, pretending to care was the bedrock of friendship.

“Fine,” Peter mumbled, plucking at the frayed edges of his bedspread. “I read my textbooks, and Hayley Wyatt was brought in with a green tongue, and Miles Chesterfield had a fever, so Pomfrey had him lie down for a few minutes.”

James found pretending to care with Peter an insurmountable task. Anyone who bothered to question Peter about his day was always subjected to a report on the wellness of Hogwarts’ student body. Merlin forbid a professor ever took ill like Binns had last week, because then Peter could fill a fifteen minute silence with the details. James understood that being kept cooped up in one room must be frustrating, but here Peter was, gifted with essentially weeks of responsibility free spare time and thus far, he’d wasted all of it by staring at the wall and whining.

Sirius said what James was thinking, announcing, “Sounds right boring.”

Peter shrugged.

“What’s it like?” Sirius asked idly. “You know, not being able to move your body the way you want? Is it like, a break? Or something different?”

Having broken a truly record setting number of bones in his body, James was plenty familiar with having a limb temporarily incapacitated. It was the toughest part of any break. Pomfrey – or the Mungo’s healer if it was a summer injury – would force-feed him potions and a strongly-worded lecture on how he mustn’t try to move the afflicted bone until his healing was up, complete with many glowers that suggested they didn’t trust him to follow orders. For good measure, they’d pop him into a splint to keep him nice and immobile. The restriction was enough to make James want to gnaw his own limb off. If that was how Peter felt, James could more than understand his frustration.

Peter, however, shook his head. “No, with a break, it’s like you could still move the leg. You don’t because, um, you’re brain knows best that it needs to heal, but you _could_ move it, right or wrong. This is something completely different.”

They waited for Peter to expand upon the differences. Peter stared down at his bundled up legs like they were something foreign to him, obscured by blankets yet unidentifiable for completely different reasons – a puzzle he couldn’t begin to solve and didn’t necessarily want to attempt. None of them grew irritated or bored as Peter allowed the silence to build as he obviously needed the time to gather his thoughts.

“I stare at my legs when I’m working with Pomfrey, just willing them to move, not much. Just a twitch to prove they can. Sometimes I think I see a toe move a little bit, but then, I’m not sure. Maybe I’m just imagining because I remember how it’s supposed to look. Worse, maybe I just want it too much. My body doesn’t feel like it belongs to me. I’m nothing but my brain, and this is just the fat suit that houses it…I don’t like it, viewing myself as just an organ,” Peter said.

Uncomfortable, James gave a polite cough, the kind that could be interpreted as a sound of support and looked away. Leave it to Remus to answer with the requisite understanding and platitudes. James understood injury, and he understood pain, but the emotional upheaval that came with it was something he lacked the emotional intelligence to discuss.

After waiting for the discomfort of the moment to pass and Remus to fill the void, Sirius said, “Thank Merlin we’re getting out tonight. I’m about ready to off myself, or at least someone I don’t much care for. A little action will do us good.”

His words, espousing the fun to be had the night of a full moon, caused both Remus and Peter to scowl in displeasure. Even James had learned that lauding Remus’s transformation as adventures was a dick move, and James knew he was often oblivious when it came to other people’s feelings.

“You know, I don’t think that’ll be enough,” James said to distract from Sirius’s inconsiderate fuck up. “We should sneak out tomorrow night too. Go get into some trouble.”

“Neither of you can apparate,” Remus pointed out, mostly just to brag that he was already seventeen and had his license.

“But we do have wands. Let’s take a passage into Hogsmeade and catch the Knight Bus,” James recommended.

Sirius clapped his hands together, “There’s a club in London I’ve been dying to go to. They play like, real music and they don’t card.”

James didn’t bother to ask how Sirius had learned about it. The answer was likely Duncan Mitchell who was muggleborn and often sported a dog collar under his robes that he swore was the very definition of punk.

“I’m in, but I’m bringing Dahlia,” Remus said. At Sirius’s betrayed look, Remus said, “And you’ll bring McKinnon. Don’t act like you won’t be happy to have a girl there at the end of the night.”

Sirius didn’t, couldn’t, argue the point.

“Wait, so you’re both bringing dates, and I’m going stag?” James asked.

It wasn’t intended as a joke and no one laughed because James had beaten that horse, or deer, to death within three months of becoming an animagus. No, James’ question was born of concern. Being a third wheel was one thing, but a fifth wheel? James had never heard of any vehicle, magical or muggle, that functioned with only five wheels.

 “No, you’re going to bring your own date too,” Sirius corrected.

“It’s the only plan that makes sense,” Remus agreed. “That way the girls can pair off at points, and I don’t know, go to the loo with each other or something.”

“What if I don’t want to bring a date?” James asked mostly just to be contrary.

Sirius shrugged. “Then you don’t come.”

It was nearly the most offended James had felt in his entire life. Peter wasn’t faring much better, turning practically purple in his frustration at being excluded, though it was hardly their fault he was hospitalized. James wanted to point out that Peter would never have been able to secure himself a date in a day’s time anyway, but kept quiet. Kicking a man when he’s down and all.

“Fine, I’ll ask someone,” James conceded.

“Good.”

“Good,” James parroted back at Sirius, very much aware that he now sounded like a five-year-old.

His mind was just too busy on other things, like who he would ask. Lily was the obvious choice, but he wasn’t sure she’d say yes. Whatever warped relationship she envisioned them having, he wasn’t sure it allowed for things like dates. Plus, she’d likely tear him to pieces for planning to flout school rules while the bet was still on. But…

She could also say yes, and James’ imagination went a little wild as he concocted just what might happen between them on a real date with the thrill of sneaking out and the allure of a Friday night upon them. What if she let him shag her? Which, okay, he knew was highly unlikely. Maybe though he’d get to make her come again, and there was very little James wouldn’t gladly part with if it meant he got to see Lily fall apart in his arms one more time.

As James went dreamy-eyed at the intriguing images his mind concocted of Lily, his friends turned the conversation to Peter’s therapy. The intensity by which Peter hated doing his therapy was exactly proportional to how much he enjoyed discussing it, so Peter related riveting tales of sitting in a kneeling position and his other therapeutic methods.

“It sounds like you’re making real progress, Peter,” Remus said supportively. “Is there anything we can do to help you out?”

Before their very eyes, Peter started to blush, and it was that reddening of his skin that warned the Marauders that whatever Peter asked for, it would be ominous. “Actually, there is something.”

“What?”

“Pomfrey says regular feet rubs will help the blood circulate better,” Peter said.

“Are you serious?” Sirius demanded.

Peter nodded gravely and Sirius cursed. With a great deal of trepidation, Remus rolled back the end of the covers so that Peter’s feet were visible. The slow reveal built up James’ disgust more than the sight of Peter’s actual feet ever could. In fact, they were just two slightly pink feet. There was no fungus or webbed toes or distortions to be seen. Less relieved was Remus who clapped a hand to his mouth and reeled backwards out of his seat to put more distance between himself and Peter’s unassuming feet.

“What the fuck?” James asked.

“Sorry,” Remus said, still covering his mouth with his hand. “I just...don’t like feet.”

James and Sirius exchanged a look of one part disbelief and two parts excitement. There were a great many pranks they could pull on their friend with this newfound knowledge. Once they were back at the dormitory, James was going to rub his feet all over Remus’s pillow. He practically licked his lips in excitement.

James could have devoted several minutes to his pleasant imaginings, but then he noticed Pomfrey walking towards a decidedly normal-skinned Dustin and was forced to leap into action. In Pomfrey’s hands was a tray of medicinal potions. James hadn’t the foggiest what they were, but he’d learned one universal truth from classes with Slughorn: if any combination of potions ever landed on you, you’re on a straight path to the Hospital Wing.

“Let me help you with those, Madame,” James called loudly, before “accidentally” tripping and knocking into the mediwitch.

In a move that was only possible from years of honing his reflexes for Quidditch, James managed to twist Pomfrey round so that she was bent at the waist with one arm while batting the falling tray of potions in the direction of the unsuspecting Pines with the other. Was it subtle? No, but it did succeed in sending an array of potions scattering over Pines’ bare arms all while Pomfrey was unable to witness the deliberateness of his attack. Upon seeing that his maneuver had succeeded, James graciously helped Pomfrey right herself.

“Mr. Potter!” Pomfrey bellowed in a way that was decidedly less intimidating than she likely hoped. “Take your gangly mass of limbs and get out of my ward!”

James wanted to argue that he was hardly gangly, hadn’t been since fith year, but Pomfrey was clearly fuming and Jason had just started to vomit over the side of the bed. His work here was done.

Without objection, he let himself be temporarily banished from the Hospital Wing with only a farewell wave to Peter. His mates – Sirius chortling and Remus looking like he was altogether done with the lot of them – followed. Once the door was securely shut behind him, James joined Sirius in his mirth.

“Did it occur to you, that one of those potions could have been legitimately dangerous?” Remus asked, already stalking off in the direction of dinner.

Umm, no.

“It was done in the name of Gryffindor,” James said unapologetically.

“For Gryffindor!” Sirius shouted. From three halls away, a fellow Gryffindor took up the chant.

“Messing around with dangerous potions. Running with werewolves. You’re living a dangerous life, aren’t you, Potter?” Remus said, not even bothering to lower his voice.

Cagily, James glanced around to make sure no one had taken notice of his werewolf mention. Hours before the full moon, Remus often abandoned caution. Being a major pain in the arse was another symptom of the werewolf curse, or at least that was what James had surmised from Remus, so he didn’t bother himself over Remus’s criticism.

In the Great Hall, Sirius proceeded to wax poetic about the acts that had played the club he wanted to attend over the years. Apparently, it had been raided by the muggle police on no less than four occasions. If they were very lucky, Sirius said, it could be raided again and they’d be packed into something called a paddy wagon and forced to sleep in a muggle jail cell for the night. According to Sirius, muggle jails were far more comfortable due to the lack of dementors, so they needn’t worry. Remus kindly informed Sirius that if Dahlia had to sleep in a jail cell, he’d disembowel him.

“Are you even listening to me?” Sirius demanded after several minutes of this and the answer was no.

No, he’d hardly heard a word of Sirius’s raving because he’d been too distracted by the arrival of Lily, or more specifically, the seat she chose to take next to Erik-crown-me-the-biggest-wanker-in-the-school-Carmichael. Like it was the most natural thing in the world, she’d just sat down across from him.

James watched as they chatted pleasantly. Of particular note were their hands. James wanted to make damn sure that Carmichael’s remained on his side of the table and far away from Lily.

Craning his neck, so that he could spy on them from down the table made for uncomfortable dining. He couldn’t look away though because then he might miss such important moments as when Carmichael helped himself to some Brussel sprouts off Lily’s plate, or when Lily tucked her hair behind her ear in a move so blatantly flirtatious, James was shocked McGonagall didn’t swoop down and give her a detention for public lewdness.

Despite James’ protests to the contrary, it turned out his friends were right in their observation that James lacked stealth in his reconnaissance. Altogether too self-satisfied to be legal, Carmichael looked directly at him and smiled, razor-thin and every bit a declaration of war. Then, he reached out and pout one of his worthless hands in Lily’s hair.

James was on his feet in an instant. The only thought in his head was that Carmichael could not be permitted to keep that smug smile on his piss-ugly face. He didn’t make it a step before Sirius was hauling him back into his seat by the shoulders.

For a moment, he made to shove Sirius aside, a feat that would have been easy as he was the decidedly more fit of the two, but then Remus grabbed him by the front of his robes from across the table and he had no choice but to sit back down or punch one of his mates. He chose to sit.

“You go over there now, like that, and Evans is going to hex you into next week, and Pomfrey only just kicked you out,” Sirius warned quietly.

Berathing heavily, James was not so far gone as to not recognize his point, but he still wasn’t sure whether the pain wouldn’t be worth it just to teach Carmichael a lesson.

“Girls don’t go on dates with jealous Neanderthals,” Remus lectured.

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed. “They go on dates with _sneaky_ , jealous Neanderthals. I’ve got some itching powder back in the dorm. Let’s slip it in his Quidditch robes.”

“No, he’ll be too distracted to play,” James said immediately in what was the best sign he’d begun to regain his senses. Quidditch still came first.

James wasn’t jealous exactly. Sure, that was very much there, a frustrating, living creature trying to gnaw through his insides, but jealousy didn’t make him explode like that. After all, he’d already lived through Lily taking multiple dates to Hogsmeade without any violent outbursts, though he supposed they hadn’t been fooling around then. Still, everything would have been fine if that fucker had just kept that smile off his lips. Then, James would have stayed miserably seated even if Carmichael started to snog Lily in full view of everybody. It was the smile, the challenge, that brought his blood to a boil.

After six years at Hogwarts, James shouldn’t have needed to show anyone their place. He’d already proven himself the bloody king of the school – unbeaten Quidditch captain, Head Boy, as popular as could reasonably be expected. Erik Carmichael was a friendless nobody with an overinflated ego and subpar Quidditch skills. To think that Carmichael would consider himself James’ better just by scoring with Lily was an insult that demanded an answer. And one a lot more substantial than itching powder.

“It’s not jealousy. It’s…” James sighed, trying to explain what should have been obvious. “Carmichael’s just a prat.”

His friends agreed with him but didn’t offer any advice. It appeared stopping him from murdering Carmichael in front of Lily was the extent of their wisdom. With a restraint that would have shocked his parents, James managed to finish up his meal without so much as a look in their direction again. The whole time, however, his mind remained fixated on the subject at hand and before the meal was finished, James had made a decision.

When he saw Lily start to clean up to exit the Hall, James stood up as well, promising his friends he’d be back in plenty of time for their plans that night. She was still with Carmichael, but Shelia and Alice were there as well, which added a helpful barrier for what he wanted to do next.

“Hey, Lily,” he called, grabbing her elbow from behind to get her attention.

She startled visibly and turned toward him with a hand over her heart. Erik turned as well, and his eyes lingered unhappily on James’ hand, only encouraging him to keep it there a beat longer.

“I wanted to ask you something,” James said.

“What?” Lily asked, curling her hair behind her ears nervously. If he wasn’t mistaken, she looked guilty. Also, a little bashful, a little flirtatious, which was only to be expected after yesterday’s hot and heavy snogging.

“We’re making…plans for tomorrow – Sirius and McKinnon, Remus and Dahlia. I think you should come too,” James said.

His brilliant plan to ask Lily out was diminished by Carmichael’s snooping. He couldn’t exactly say they were going to sneak out of the castle because he didn’t trust Carmichael not to squeal on them.

“I didn’t know about this,” Marlene said from the crowd somewhat behind Lily. “Why didn’t I know about this?”

James ignored her. He was too busy having something of a staring contest with Lily. There was no aggression there, yet he knew the first one to look away was going to lose somehow. In Lily’s green eyes, James could make out a question, and he wanted to give the right answer, whatever it was.

Finally, Lily said, “Sure, James. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

This was a mildly disappointing answer because James was very up for a bout of celebratory snogging, but he chose to focus on the positive. He had a date with Lily Evans. For the first time in history, he’d asked Lily on a date and not received a list of his own faults back in answer. It was a brilliant feeling.

Brilliant even separate from the fact that it also had shut Carmichael up nice and good.

 

 

 

Not for so much as a moment did James fear his hiding place along the edge of the Forbidden Forest. As far as he was concerned, neither the night nor the forest held any terrors that he wasn’t ready to face. His confidence wasn’t born out of an arrogance regarding his magical capabilities. He knew there were plenty of creatures lurking within the Forest’s depths – centaurs, acromantula – that could devour or destroy him in a second. Rather, James simply knew his was not the kind of fate that would allow for such a grisly end. James’ every life experience supported the notion that things didn’t happen to James, rather he made events happen. He believed in his own, momentary immortality as surely as he believed that the sun would rise in nine hours.

So what would have made for a frightening scene for most, was a picture of tranquility for James. The darkness never bothered him. The bloated shadows of overhanging branches tickled the edges of his perception, yes, but he knew they would not take form and attack him. Everyone always feared the darkness for how it limited their vision, but for James, as he studied the starry sky, he knew it only altered what could be seen, so that he could appreciate the sky – the vastness of the universe and his own immensity within it – in a way daylight would never allow.

They did not have to wait long for Remus’s appearance. From atop the sloping hill that led to the Whomping Willow, James could make out the shadowy figures of Remus and Pomfrey as she escorted him to what was intended to be his prison for the night. Hidden beneath the invisibility cloak, James and Sirius waited until Remus had been deposited in the underground fortress and Pomfrey had disappeared from their line of vision entirely.

“Ready, mate?” James asked.

It was Sirius’s job, in Peter’s absence, to disable the Whomping Willow’s lethal branches. The bewitched tree rarely registered the presence of a small dog racing towards it, and even when it did, Sirius was speedy enough to make it to the knot without incident. By comparison, the one time James tried it, he’d nearly lost an antler.

Sirius’s answer was to transform beside him, the cloak dipping as his form shrunk more than a meter. With a sloppy lick of James’ hand to let him know he was off, Sirius slipped out from beneath the cloak and took off towards the Willow. The tree made a passing swipe at him, but it was a cursory attack, and Sirius managed to dart to the side before the lazy branch could do any damage. Once the knoll had been pressed and the tree was no longer thirsting for human blood, James took off the invisibility cloak as well and followed Padfoot down the shadowy pathway that led to the Shrieking Shack.

Of the many terrible things about the night of the full moon – and there were several – climbing down the path was James’ second least favorite. It had not been designed with human comfort in mind, so they were forced to crawl on hands-and-knees, wincing whenever their palms would dig into an upturned stone or a branch would stab them in the knee. He felt the claustrophobia of knowing he was trapped in this passageway as an almost physical anxiety.

When they’d first started, the cramped space had never bothered James, but that had been before the Snape-incident, as it had been euphemistically dubbed. He could still feel the sharp panic as he’d tried to grapple with Snape’s disappearing legs, tried to drag him back to safety even as Snape fought against him with all his inconsiderable might. James had barely been able to overpower him what with the way the confines of the tunnel prevented him from gaining any leverage, and the helplessness he’d felt then stuck with him. During the day, wandering through the corridors of Hogwarts, he was able to forget that awful feeling, but every return to the tunnel brought it back. His saliva tasted bitter, and he knew he was imagining the tang of the adrenaline all over again.

Waiting on the other side, as James knew he would be, was Remus. Unlike under normal circumstances, however, the sight of one of his closest friends did little to comfort him. Remus sat on the floor – all the provided furniture had long since been destroyed by his werewolf form – cross-legged and preternaturally still. Remus was the tallest among them, but in moments like this, he always looked deceptively small.

“You know, I’m not going to miss this place,” James said, affecting good humor. “I’d take a good dungeon over this any day.”

Remus didn’t laugh, and James hadn’t expected him to. Eyes red-rimmed and miserable, Remus did, however look up and acknowledge they’d arrived, which was positively cheerful by his standards.

“This is my 150th transformation,” Remus croaked.

Sirius grimaced, “Geez, man, you don’t count do you? That’s not healthy.”

Remus made a bitter, choked noise in the back of his throat. Normally, James and Sirius tried to lift the mood as much as possible. They performed like standup comedians to make Remus laugh and focus on something other than what was to come, but it was an impossible task, and had never done much to help him before his transformation.

James wondered if this is how seers felt on a daily basis. If James knew that in a day’s time, he would break every bone in his body and then lose control of himself for twelve hours, how would he be able to go about the next day normally? He’d be a mess. The only consolation he’d have would be that it was a onetime thing, and for Remus, that wasn’t true. It was never over.

Except, it could be. James thought back to his conversations with Lily about her research, and felt hope, something that had no business existing on a full moon, slide through him like cooling water.

“This may be number 150, but there won’t be a 200th,” James said confidently.

Remus frowned at him, “Well, there is a war on, I guess we can hope I’ll be long dead by then…Cheerful, Prongs.”

“That’s not what I meant, you tosser,” James said, rolling his eyes.

Then, he told Remus all he’d overheard between Lily and Slughorn over the past week. James’ watched as Sirius internalized the news and a look of pure joy spread across his features. Less visibly impressed was Remus. He gave no outward reaction that he understood just what this could mean for him.

“Do you understand what I’m saying? They’re talking about a potion that could let you maintain your mind during the moon?” James said excitedly.

It wasn’t like Remus to be slow on the uptake, but it was also less than a quarter of an hour until the full moon. He could just be feeling the effects of the transformation early.

“Yes, James, I understand,” Remus said sharply, but then he softened. “That’s great news.”

Remus didn’t have anything else to say on the matter, but Sirius had plenty. He peppered James with questions about the theory and how much time Lily was spending on her research until the time of the full moon was almost upon them. Remus’s surly silence remained impenetrable.

Watching Remus stare down at the floor like their conversation had nothing to do with him made James feel a little bit sick. He’d brought Lily’s potion up in a rather obvious attempt to cheer his mate, and it hadn’t worked. Nothing worked. And it was that knowledge that made his stomach drop out from beneath him and his fists curl so tightly that his blunt nails embedded marks in his palms.

Friends were supposed to help each other. At their core, that was the very function of friendship. James, with his relatively blessed life, had always been the one in the best position to buoy his friends, and it was a role he’d always taken seriously. He was a protector of the greatest people alive. More than any advanced magic or pranks or shutting up prats like Carmichael, that was what James took the most pride in.

Yet lately, it felt like he’d been unable to do much to help any of his friends. Sirius was suffering with his mother’s attempt at “reconciliation” and the most James could do for him was skate around the subject and silently read a bloody letter. Helping Peter was completely outside his skillset, and, frankly, he’d never felt so distant from him before. Then there was Remus.

If asked, Remus would say they’d already done as much for him as they possibly could. More than they should in fact. There was no denying the utter joy on Remus’s face when they’d first transformed into their animagus forms. Three years of secret study and practice finally paying off to watch as hope entered his life for the first time in years.

Unfortunately, human beings could adjust to just about anything though, and Remus seemed to be slipping further and further back into his melancholia with each full moon. It wasn’t acceptable. It wasn’t right, and James had to fix it somehow. Only, his every attempt thus far had failed and failed miserably.

“Alright, we need to head out. We’ll see you in a bit,” James said, glancing at his watch to confirm that they needed to clear out immediately. His stag form was too tall – accursed antlers – to be able to fit through the narrow passageway, so he’d need to leave and wait for Remus outside, otherwise risk being trapped in the shrieking shack for the whole night.

“You’ll see me in the morning,” Remus corrected tightly.

James waved him off because Remus ought to know what he meant. Blah, blah remember there’s a distinction between Remus and Moony. It was a lesson Remus had drilled into their heads like they were idiots who couldn’t hope to pass their first year exams a hundred plus times. James understood.

They slipped back out of the shack, leaving the passage open so that Remus would be able to follow. Moving into the edge of the trees so that any eyes from the castle wouldn’t be able to see them, James and Sirius waited. The sun hadn’t set completely yet, but the moon was already visible, high and round in the sky.

Until his dying day, James doubted he would ever have feelings more mixed on any subject than that of his animagus transformation. He viewed it as a necessity, his greatest feat, a symbol of Moony’s pain, a testament to his brilliance. The one truth, that out of respect for Remus’s suffering he never acknowledged, was that he loved the one day each month he was able to transform and run freely through the forest. Any guilt he felt at enjoying Remus’s full moons never lasted long once the night began in earnest.

The time to turn was officially upon him. Little was needed in the way of preparation – all the time intensive work came before the first. The muggle flicks that showed werewolves tearing through their clothes had it all wrong. There was no need for any of them – werewolf or animagus – to strip down. Their transformations were magical and they were no more likely to permanently tear through seams than flesh. All James needed to do was begin to think about the changes he wanted to overtake his body and the process would gain momentum from there.

Like always, he started by envisioning his shoulders, no flanks, bulging with muscles, the core that held him erect as he raced through the forest. His human toes were too soft, needing strips of leather to guard them from the upturned sticks and jagged rocks that decorated the ground, more suitable to the man-made paths that lay like meaningless veins across the forest. His hooves knew no terrain too treacherous, could bound over stones and crush the insignificant twigs beneath his tread.

There was a herd of centaurs due north, maybe four kilos into the forest proper. He could smell their sweat. His nose, a long, wet thing, twitched.

Sneaking up on him unawares, his transformation had already taken place.

Out came the wolf. Prongs didn’t much like the wolf. His scent was unnatural, the musk of a normal wolf mixed with a tang that didn’t belong to the creatures of the forest, something that burned and warned them of danger. At the first scent of the wolf, he beat his hooves reflexively.

At first, the wolf emerged from the mouth of the tree with a wary gait, taking measure of its surroundings. Its gaze passed in a cursory way over the dog and stag, both familiar if not friends. The pace didn’t last as the freedom of the night sank in. The wolf buzzed with a frenetic kind of energy, and its tongue lolled out, pink and glistening.

James, the boy, was fast fading as his stag senses grew more pronounced. It was always like this, a struggle to remember his mandate and not trot off into the forest and leave the wolf to its own devices. If Remus ever realized how difficult it was for James and Sirius to maintain control for his sake, he would probably put an end to their moonlit escapades.

There was still just enough of James left, before he would need to redirect all of his mind towards remembering to herd the wolf, to make the brief and startling connection  between the beast in front of him and Peter’s words about existing as nothing but a brain, the body as meaningless vessel. Remus’s body was gone, broken and altered into something completely indistinguishable. His thoughts were corrupted as well, processes altered to such an extent that the very impulses that defined Remus had been erased. All that existed to connect Remus to the wolf was the brain, twisted as it was. James knew that Remus was not responsible for the actions of the wolf. What he didn’t know was whether the wolf was still, technically, Remus or, for one night a month, did the boy cease to exist entirely?

Eyes alight with a bloodthirsty hunger to explore, the wolf that was also possibly a boy named Remus Lupin howled and took off for the forest. The animagi followed. Focused on the run, James had to abandon his existential musings on the body, leaving off with the certainty that the mind was all that mattered.

A bark, short and joyful, was all the warning Sirius gave before he took off into the thick of the forest. The wolf followed, content in the freedom of the night to let them lead for the moment. With the canopy thick and shadowy, the light of the moon barely filtered into the forest and their path – indistinguishable to the human eye – lay dark before them. It hardly mattered because James’ nose was unblocked, his hooves sensitive to the grooves of the forest floor, and his ears alert for dangers, well, any dangers beyond the werewolf that ran at his side.

While James could smell the presence of many other creatures populating the forest, they came across nothing. Remus’s stench was enough to drive anything away. The downside of this was that the wolf had nothing to tear into to satisfy his bloodthirst once the thrill of running began to fade. The wolf howled and slammed the crown of its head into a tree, an expression of frustration.

Knowing it was his cue, James gently tapped his pines into the wolf’s side. It reared around to snap at him, but James had already danced backwards out of reach. More importantly, he’d succeeded in gaining the wolf’s attention and could draw it further west, and allowing Sirius to slip away for a few minutes. The wolf never noticed his absence.

A few minutes later, Sirius returned, but now he carried a dead rabbit between his jaws. With a thump, Sirius allowed the rabbit to drop to the ground before the wolf. Fast and efficient, Sirius had snapped the rabbit’s throat. The wolf, of course, would have preferred a living victim, but they’d seen how it would torture its prey. Ever since, Sirius had been charged with finding and killing some small gain to keep Moony distracted.

Witnessing the wolf devour – because that’s what it did; not eat, not consume, _devour_ – was sickening in any form. First, it bit into the dead animal’s side, a deep enough wound that some of the guts spilled out onto the ground. Then, it almost delicately stuck a claw inside to tear the body apart. The wolf buried its muzzle into the flesh and fur laying bare before it. When it pulled away, the fur around its maw was caked with blood. Before the night was up, it would dry there, appearing rusted brown on the chapped lips of Remus Lupin.

Once the wolf was sated, they could begin to run, bounding over streams, ducking low-hanging branches, and straining against the limitations of their bodies until their muscles screamed for mercy that would go unanswered. The wind would whip against his skin in the same familiar rhythm as whenever he flew. Uncontested by the cowering creatures that hid from the wolf, they would run as the kings of the forest. It was everything he loved.

Today though, he was less sure. All he knew was that he’d give it all up, sacrifice everything he valued, to never have to see that wolf again. Because if Peter was wrong and the body was linked to personhood – the body that groaned and ached, quaked for affection and release, betrayed and exalted him in equal measure – well, that meant there could be the wolf or there could be Remus. Tonight, in the quiet of the forest with these musings intruding upon the simplistic impulses of the stag, James looked at the wolf and saw death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry that this was late. I hate this chapter passionately. This may go down as the chapter I struggled with most for the story, but the next 3 are great in my opinion, so something to look forward to. Review!


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two notes before I get into this chapter:
> 
> The quality of reviews and readership for this story has been extraordinary. I appreciate every single one, and I’m still surprised by how giving some of you can be in sharing your thoughts with me. As someone who spends a huge amount of time thinking about/prepping/and writing this story, I am always excited to talk about it.
> 
> Now, it’s time for the first date. This day got a little away from me, so you’ll be getting not one, not two, but three long chapters, all from Lily’s perspective (because I had originally intended it to be one lmao) on their Friday night.

**October 21, 1977**

Lily had never snuck out of Hogwarts before, not past the school grounds at least. She’d certainly done her fair share of wandering the corridors after curfew, or escaping out onto the grounds for an afternoon, but leaving the safety of Hogwarts altogether was a new experience. She wasn’t sure it was an experience she particularly wanted to have either.

There was a comfort in knowing that there were some rules she would never break. Being a, as McGonagall would call it, dependable, young lady had served her well most her life, and it seemed a shame to throw it away only a few months shy of eighteen.

Of course, all she needed to do was avoid getting caught, and then no one would think any less of her. And she’d probably tear her hair out if she spent the night in the common room, reading or gossiping with Shelia, when James and Marlene were off who knows where getting into all sorts of trouble.

“I can’t believe you’re going on a date with James,” Shelia sighed, pausing a moment for Lily to throw out a requisite “It’s not a date” in response. Lily didn’t meet her expectations, choosing instead to remain silent.

They were in the bathroom with only minutes left before Lily and Marlene were supposed to meet the boys downstairs in the common room. Supportive like always of anything that linked James and Lily romantically, Shelia had gamely agreed to curl Lily’s already curly hair so that her locks fell in soft tendrils that they’d swept to the side and held in place with a lot of Sleakeazy Hair Spray.

It was maybe a little pointless to go out of her way to doll herself up when James was incredibly familiar with what Lily looked like in her day-to-day makeup, which, to be fair, was actually pretty substantial compared to what a lot of girls wore. All the same, Lily couldn’t help the fact that she wanted a staircase moment. She wanted his jaw to drop at the very sight of her walking towards him. The only thought he’d be able to form was the question: “How’d this goddess choose me?”

Achieving this look required a lot of shimmer – a dash of a glitter stick between her cleavage and streaked along the curve of her neck, eyeshadow that sparkled in the light. On her wrists she wore a row of spangled bracelets that struck up a discordant symphony whenever she raised her arms or walked. Her skirt flouted the school dress code, running out of fabric long before she ran out of thigh, which considering her insubstantial height, was a feat and a half. All that was left to decide upon were her shoes, and she and Shelia had been all but rowing about them since the night’s preparation had begun.

“You need to wear the boots,” Shelia insisted for what felt like the hundredth time.

“Don’t you think they’re a bit much what with everything else?” Lily argued, gesturing at her already extreme outfit.

“Hardly!” Shelia insisted. “In fact, right now your outfit is boring. You’re wearing neutrals, Lily!”

Well, yes, in terms of color, her outfit was bordering on the bland: gray turtleneck with a black skirt. That had been an intentional choice, however, to balance out the salaciousness of the skirt and the accessories. Adding neon blue, knee high boots as Shelia wanted seemed to take the outfit to an extreme that left Lily feeling a tad uncomfortable.

“Are they painful, is that it? Because beauty is pain. You can’t give up just because of a few blisters,” Shelia said seriously.

“No, they’re actually pretty nice,” Lily admitted.

As severe as the boots looked on the outside, that was how cushy they were on the inside. It was like wearing a pair of slippers with a perilous heel.

“Why’d you buy these if you never planned to wear them?” Shelia pressed, unrelenting.

“Oh I don’t know. I suppose I figured someday there would be an occasion. And I’d just been given my Christmas money, and they looked so good at the shop,” Lily said.

Shelia finished with Lily’s hair and returned to the bedroom to retrieve the much-discussed boots. After giving herself one last thorough review in the mirror, Lily reluctantly followed. Shelia, brandishing the shoes like a weapon, waited for her along with Marlene who was completely ready (and had been for the last forty-five minutes).

“Men live for boots like these, Lily,” Shelia lectured sternly. “Now do you want James to drool at the sight of you? Or do you want him to think, ‘oh, there’s Lily, she looks nice.’”

“Well, I’d hardly be attracted to him if he started drooling,” Lily said, but she was just being difficult for the sake of it at that point. Based on the frenzied snogging of the past few days, Lily knew that James found her rather fit, but she wanted to take it a step beyond. She wanted to dazzle, and if that meant a pair of boots that demanded more attention than one of Dumbledore’s decorative hats, then so be it.

“What are you two going to do with the rest of your night?” Lily asked, referring to Mary and Alice, the former who was buried under her covers reading a book and the second who was unsuccessfully trying to take a nap.

“Why don’t you ask about me?” Shelia questioned indignantly.

“Because everyone knows you’re going to run off with your mystery boy,” Alice answered grumpily, face still buried in her pillow.

“I’m going to have a lie in, read a bit,” Mary said.

“And I’m going to visit Pettigrew in the hospital,” Alice said.

“You two, troublemakers both,” Lily teased.

As much as she loved her friends, Lily didn’t really want to sit around and talk any longer. The time to meet the boys was upon them, and Lily was rather more excited than she cared to admit.

Any reluctance about sneaking out of the castle was entirely overshadowed by her enthusiasm at what the night could hold. Because she had no guesses. The night held nothing but endless potential, and when she tried to picture how the night could go, her imagination produced nothing but a vague recollection of how the scratchy material of James’ jumper felt against her cheek and the weight of his arms around her waist.

When Lily and Marlene walked downstairs – slowly as Lily’s boots greatly decreased her freedom of movement what with a heel that would best be compared to a needle – the boys didn’t notice at first. They were too caught up talking about what had happened with Binns that afternoon. One moment the ancient professor had been lecturing about trolls and the next his body had collapsed to the floor, felled by a heart attack.

Lily had been in the class when it happened and nearly missed her professor’s abrupt passing as his lecture had only paused for a moment. Before the class had been able to descend into chaos, Binns – or rather, Binns’ ghost – had rematerialized in front of them and resumed teaching. In a grisly turn of events, he had refused everyone permission to inform a professor of what had happened, forcing them to sit through another twenty minutes of class while his body remained abandoned on the floor.

“I heard his body turned purple and his face swelled up like a balloon,” Sirius said excitedly.

“Don’t be disgusting, Black,” Lily chided, drawing all of their attention. Despite the gruesome subject matter, James still found the temerity to appreciatively eye her outfit, lingering on her stocking-covered thighs. Perfect. “He didn’t swell.”

Binns had indeed turned a bit purple by the end of class though, and the smell had been unbearable until Lily had the presence of mind to cast an air freshener charm upon the room. Binns had docked five points for inappropriate use of magic in class while she ought to have been paying attention, but it was well worth it. Besides, she’d more than made up the points by heading straight to McGonagall and helping to coordinate the arrangements after class had ended.

“Were you there, Lily?” James asked, concerned.

“Yeah. I have History on Fridays,” she said. Lily intended to expand upon the subject, but a shiny glint caught her eye, so she exclaimed instead, “Oh my god! Did you pierce your nose?”

Small but terribly distinct, a gold stud shimmered in James’ left nostril. Sirius sported a matching ring in his nose. There was little Lily could do to conceal her horror, and her mouth tensed into the shape of a square in disgust. Beside her, Marlene didn’t fare any better, wrinkling her jewelry-free nose at her boyfriend.

Seeing Lily’s displeasure, James urgently said, “No! It’s fake. See?” He reached up and removed the offending jewelry so Lily could confirm that there was indeed no hole there. “It’s just for the night.”

“That’s…good,” Lily said tightly.

She desperately hoped James wouldn’t put the stud back in. It made him look so unpresentable, and part of his appeal had always been how he melded classic good looks with the personality of a lovable scoundrel. (Besides that, a girl was allowed preferences and nose rings were decidedly against Lily’s tastes.)

“I don’t have to wear it,” James said, and when Lily didn’t rush to reassure him that it was fine, he put the stud in his pocket where it would be forgotten. She only felt a tiny bit guilty at his kicked puppy expression.

Hopefully, Marlene looked to Sirius to do the same, but he pointedly ignored her. The hoop, which was honestly lightyears worse than James’ stud had been, remained, an unexpected disruption to the aquiline arch of his nose.

“Are you okay?” James asked Lily, which took her entirely by surprise. “I mean, you saw a professor die today. If you don’t want to come, I’d totally understand.”

Either James was terribly sweet or he was regretting having asked her to join them. His face was guileless, but he excelled at looking innocent, so there were no clues there, really. Lily forced down the rush of insecurity that threatened to overwhelm her and sternly reminded herself that she ought not care either way as there were no takebacks on dates. She was going, and that was final.

“I’m fine.”

“Good,” James said, and to _her_ relief, _he_ sounded relieved, setting off a closed circuit of relief between the two of them. It made her want to kiss him, crowded common room be damned.

Because their meeting hadn’t been awkward enough, Sirius decided the best way to help Marlene move past her nose ring disapproval was to snog her into submission. Any thoughts of kissing James were summarily dismissed as she _never_ wanted to look as gross as they did then. Lily winced the second she saw tongue (because really, there were rules of etiquette about when to break out tongue in a public snog) and turned very abruptly to focus on James and the, until then, silent Remus. Neither of them seemed at all bothered, which only led Lily to believe they were used to Sirius’s disgusting antics.

“So, what did you guys get up to last night?” Lily asked to make conversation.

With a completely unnecessary amount of paranoia, Remus returned, “Why do you think we were up to anything? Why do you ask?”

“Umm, no reason,” Lily said uncertainly.

“We just had a quiet night in,” James said. Lily couldn’t explain how, but she was almost certain James was lying. “Anyway, ignore him. He’s high as a kite.”

She might have spent the next ten minutes reminding them in no uncertain terms that drugs were a mind-rotting mistake, but Dahlia finally emerged from the girls’ dorms before Lily could get started. She skipped straight over into Remus’s arms, and Sirius and Marlene finally stopped sucking face.

Watching the close proximity of the two couples made Lily aware of how much space existed between her and James. There was enough room to fit a chubby first year or a slightly starved upper-year between them. In comparison, their friends had their arms wrapped around each other with a casualness that implied they knew exactly where their relationships stood.

It made Lily want to sidle up closer to James, but there would be too much meaning behind such a move, and she didn’t want him to make any assumptions. Lily settled for the complete opposite, subtly backing away another step. There, now they just looked like two people standing in a group, not two people with a big question mark hovering over their whole relationship.

“You look very nice, Lily,” Dahlia said kindly.

“Oh, thanks. That’s a great jumper,” Lily complimented back.

She meant it too, but her words prompted her to study James’ outfit for the first time and, needless to say, she became a little distracted. _James in muggle clothes_. Muggle clothes that weren’t part of a school uniform. One look at him in those jeans was confirmation that the world was utterly unfair. By having James be born a wizard, she and the world had been denied the absolutely captivating sight that was James’ arse in a pair of blue jeans. Lily regretted having put more distance between them.

“Are we ready to go?” Remus asked.

They followed his lead out of the tower. The night was still young with curfew three hours away, but they still took special care to remain circumspect as any professor would take one look at their attire and suspect trouble.

Despite having agreed to go on this pseudo-date, Lily had no idea where they were going. She’d tried to cajole the answer out of James and Remus at separate times that afternoon (James’ interrogation had left him with at least two new hickeys), but they’d remained infuriatingly tight-lipped. For this reason, Lily was very unimpressed when their destination turned out to be the trophy room. If the boys had let them dress up, all under the delusion that the girls would let their dates feel them up, well, they were going to be painfully disappointed.

At least, James and Sirius would be as Lily would hex them both and drag Marlene back to the safety of Gryffindor Tower. Group snogging in the open space of the Trophy Room was too weird to let Marlene participate in, even if she was insisting on making her own choices lately. Lily was less worried about Dahlia as they weren’t really friends. The sixth-year could do whatever perverted thing she liked.

“What we’re about to show you is a Marauder secret,” James said dramatically once they were all crowded inside.

“In agreeing to go with us tonight, you are all vowing to take this secret to your graves,” Sirius continued.

“You must swear before we show you that you will keep this secret,” Remus finished, causing Lily to suspect that they’d practiced this nonsense beforehand.

Marlene and Lily shared a skeptical look. Frankly, Lily wasn’t stupid enough to vow to keep a secret before she knew what it was. She reserved the right to turn them all in if it turned out to be dangerous like, say Voldemort lived behind one of the trophy cases. Lily smartly recognized that telling the Marauders this was a recipe for an argument about trust and honor though, so she kept quiet.

With an obnoxious amount of pomp, Remus crossed over to a particularly dusty trophy and righted the plaque which awarded a special service to the school. The movement triggered a hole to open up in the wall where before there had been nothing but stone.

“I’ll go first,” Sirius announced.

He hefted himself up into the hole and crawled out of sight. Lily could hear his progress through the wall for only a moment before it went silent.

“What’s on the other side?” Marlene asked, and her voice shook.

“You’ll crawl forward a few meters and then there’s a slide,” James explained. “There’s no need to be nervous. Sirius is on the other side waiting for you.”

His words had a calming effect on Marlene that seemed completely at odds with Sirius’s persona. Boyfriend or not, Lily certainly wouldn’t feel comforted by the promise that Sirius Black was going to catch her on the other side of a dark tunnel. She wouldn’t trust him not to let her land on her face just for a laugh. Clearly, Marlene didn’t struggle with the same concerns.

The hole that led to the passageway wasn’t positioned too high up the wall, but enough so that Marlene with her noodle arms struggled to lift herself up. James ultimately had to step forward and lift her up partially. She hesitantly crawled forward before disappearing with a scream that chilled Lily to the very bone.

James and Remus laughed uproariously, so Lily figured nothing too terrible could have happened. Then, it was James’ turn, and he deftly climbed up and through the passageway for a far less dramatic exit. Lily, as it was now her turn, couldn’t decide whether she was happy James had gone first so that he wouldn’t be able to leer at her arse as she crawled or disappointed for the same reason. Being equal parts vain and prudish could be confusing at times.

On principle, Lily refused Remus’s help, though he offered. She managed to climb up on her own. Immediately, she could understand why Marlene had been so frightened as the light from the trophy room did not stretch far enough to illuminate more than two meters of the passageway before her. Knowing there was a slide up ahead, Lily maneuvered so she was sitting on her bum and scooted forward. Each meter filled her with a sense of anticipation that sent her heart to her throat as she waited for the bottom to literally drop out from beneath her.

All of her preparation did not save her in the moment that it did. Lily shrieked, the sound torn from her against her will, as she suddenly jolted forward and began to slide down at a terrifying speed. Whoever designed the damned passage was clearly a maniac as the slide sat at a one hundred-sixty degree angle that had her accelerating more and more by the second.

Thankfully, it tapered off at the end, so she didn’t hurtle out of the passage and break an ankle. Even without the last minute deceleration, however, she would have been fine as James waited for her on the other side. He effortlessly caught her as she fell through, so that she collided solidly with his chest and not the floor.

James took one look at her red and winded face and started to chuckle. He tucked a wayward strand of her hair behind her ear and said, “Alright, Evans?”

“Yeah,” Lily breathed because they were still very close and by the dim lighting of a Lumos Sirius had cast, James’ eyes looked almost amber.

They looked to be in a storage unit for gardening supplies. On the walls hung shovels and picks and there was a wheelbarrow stuffed full of pulled weeds in the middle of the room. From the musky scent pervading her nostrils, Lily suspected they were still underground as well.

She was proven right when, after Dahlia and Remus had joined them, they all climbed up through a hatch in the ground. It looked to be a shed of sorts on a property in Hogsmeade. The moon was out, white and round. Judging from the shape, it was either the day before or after the full moon. Lily couldn’t remember which as she’d stopped tracking the moon cycle the same day she’d dropped Astronomy as a class in sixth year.

“Golly, it’s beautiful,” Dahlia murmured up at the moon, nestling into Remus’s side. He, glaring up at the moon like it had somehow personally wronged him, didn’t seem to agree.

“Yeah, golly gee wiz,” Sirius said meanly, though Dahlia hardly noticed.

“So what’s next?” Lily asked, doing her best to sound unimpressed.

She didn’t want to be like Dahlia, so in love that she’d happily sit in the grass and stare at the moon all night so long as it was with Remus. She didn’t want to be Marlene either – too afraid to question Sirius and shooting him covert looks instead. These were the Marauders and they had to earn their name, live up to their legend, if they wanted her admiration. Lily expected, no demanded, to be wowed.

James smiled, all white teeth and promises, and stuck his wand out toward the street. Within five seconds, a quadruple-decker bus had jolted to a halt before them. The Knight Bus. One of the many wizarding institutions that Lily had heard tell of at school but never witnessed firsthand.

“Well, if it isn’t Sirius Black. Wasn’t expecting to see you again until Christmas hols,” greeted the man who operated the door.

“I miss you too much when I’m at school, Roger,” Sirius said. “I couldn’t keep away.”

It wasn’t a secret that Sirius no longer lived with his parents. The logistics of that, having to survive without parental supervision and assistance, wasn’t something Lily had devoted much thought to in the past. That he would frequent the Knight Bus as he didn’t have an apparition license made a lot of sense.

James stepped to the front and offered up enough money to pay the fare for all of them. Immediately, four voices – everyone’s excluding Sirius – rose in protest, but he waved them off with a reminder that he was “bloody rich.” With a warm hand practically scalding her lower back, James guided Lily up the steps and onto the bus. It was strange in that she was hardly so helpless as to require assistance in boarding a bus, and she hoped James realized that. Still, she couldn’t deny the part of herself that delighted in any and all physical contact with James, and his acting like a gentleman did set off a weird riot in her stomach.

From behind her, Lily heard Marlene’s worried voice ask, “Are you hurt?”

She spun around to see Remus positively limping up the steps. He had to lean his weight heavily against the railing to manage his ascent. Neither James nor Sirius made any move to help and treated this as perfectly normal.

“I’m fine. Just banged up my knee,” Remus grit out in a tone that did not encourage further discussion.

This was news to Dahlia who proceeded to pet at him, the very picture of the devoted girlfriend. Lily caught James and Sirius exchanging an ambiguous look, the meaning of which she could only guess at. Remus swatted Dahlia’s hands away from his person like they were flies rather than the hands of his girlfriend.

“Maybe we should go another weekend when you’re feeling better,” Marlene suggested.

“Shut up, Marlene,” Sirius said, and Lily had to count backwards from twenty in her head to combat the urge to tackle him. “Remus is exactly where he wants to be.”

Lily opened her mouth to give Sirius a piece of her mind. While she understood Sirius only wanted to make Remus feel comfortable and talk about his injury was doing the opposite, he still had no business talking to Marlene like that. Now, Marlene looked contrite, staring insecurely at the floor when she should have been brimming with excitement at the prospect of her first real date with her boyfriend. Lily hated that Black had robbed Marlene of that.

James was more intuitive than Lily often gave him credit for and recognized the fight that was brewing. Before Lily could set off a bus-wide war, James grabbed her by the hand and started tugging her towards their seats.

“Take us to London, Roger,” Sirius said as he followed. “Byward Street.”

They all settled into a roomy, private compartment. The seats were designed for individuals unlike on the Hogwarts Express where they shared benches. Lily pulled up the window shade so she could peer outside, though it was too dark to see much of their surroundings. She figured there would be a better view when they entered the city.

“Now what?” Lily asked, starting to feel like it was all she’d said so far that night.

“Now we get pissed,” Sirius said gleefully, producing a bottle of firewhiskey and a deck of cards.

The game was Wizards and all of them were plenty familiar with the impossibly complicated rules from its popularity as a drinking game amongst the Ravenclaws. Normally, they would play with magic, casting certain spells when a corresponding card was laid, but Dahlia wasn’t legal and performing underage magic was a surefire way to end the night before it had even begun. They agreed to simply speak the Latin spell word but not cast to compensate, though James pouted about how it would take half the fun out of it and life was nothing without a little risk.

Lily started the game off by flipping over a queen. She cheered as everyone else groaned. The queen, until another was drawn, would give Lily power over the other players. She would be able to assign drinks and interpret the plays at will, giving her the power to wreck anyone she disliked. So let’s say, Dahlia drew a five and had to assign a drink to another player, Lily could issue a royal proclamation that it must go to the player of her choice, essentially coopting Dahlia’s turn. With how the night was going, Sirius ought to be scared.

Next, Marlene flipped two cards: a six and a four. She made the complicated hand gesture associated with a six and then picked a direction for the four count which decided who had to drink. It landed on James who made a big to-do of holding his nose as he took his sip.

When Sirius drew his cards and it revealed a two of diamonds and two queens, Lily actually screamed. She hadn’t been given the opportunity to even wield her power yet and already she’d been dethroned. Sirius was a real brat about it too, wiggling his eyebrows at her and filling her shot glass to the brim so that some spilled over the edges and wet the fabric of her seat. Lily couldn’t begin to believe her luck. Two queens! It meant she’d have to down two shots in a row. While she took her drinks, Sirius chose to pair up with James for his two to the surprise of absolutely no one, and they made a big affair about how they were the perfect partners. Lily, who was on the verge of vomiting from the shots in quick succession, decided to aim for Sirius if it became unavoidable.

They continued to play in that manner for the next hour. When Marlene drew three jacks, a fate that made Lily’s dethroning look like a picnic, Sirius whispered consolingly in her ear, until she turned bright red and could no longer meet Lily’s eye. While Lily still wasn’t happy with how Sirius had spoken to Marlene before, she had to admit that they looked fine now as Sirius doted on her and Marlene hid smiles behind her sleeves.

As they became progressively more sloshed, Lily found herself drawn to James beside her, inconveniently placed armrests be damned. His hand snuck beneath her hair so that he could stroke the back of her neck. It did not escape her admittedly inebriated notice that his hand was large enough to cover the entire expanse of her neck. It made her wonder how large his hand would look in other places, say flattened against her stomach or resting against her bare thigh.

The compartment began to feel very hot.

The game was winding down – there were no official winners in Wizards, the game ending only when people were too drunk to continue – and minutes would pass between turns as conversations sprung up and distracted the group from play. Lily and Marlene were frequently the cause of distraction, running off on tangents about their schoolwork and the gossip of the day. They were engaged in a rather loud argument over just who Shelia’s mysterious boyfriend could be when the compartment door slid open.

“Cissy!” The cry of recognition came from Sirius who stared at the newcomer much like Lily’s History of Magic class had looked at Binn’s ghost after it rose from his body.

The woman standing in the doorway was undeniably beautiful. The kind of beauty that left Lily feeling small and worthless in the face of it. Blonde, aristocratic, poised. If she’d been a model, Lily would have likely cut out pictures of her and hung it in her room back home for “inspiration,” though inspiration for what was never entirely clear when it came to Lily’s fashion wall.

As lovely as she was, she didn’t seem particularly friendly. Her face once it overcame the surprise at seeing them, morphed into an expression of…well actually, Lily couldn’t quite say what her expression indicated. Her face was closed and unforthcoming, inviting no niceties but hardly disdainful either. Whoever she was, it was clear her relationship with Sirius was unfriendly.

“There were no empty compartments,” she said stiffly. “I’ll find another.”

As if he couldn’t stop himself, Sirius asked, “But why are you taking the Knight Bus?”

“I hardly have to share my comings and goings with you,” Cissy said.

“No, I mean, why wouldn’t you just apparate? It’s not like I give a damn where you’re going,” Sirius said.

Cissy glanced behind her as if searching for someone before turning back and hurriedly explaining, “I’m having a baby. In the spring. The healers recommend I abstain from apparating for the time being.”

The news had a noticeable impact on Sirius who reeled back and became a very strange shade of puce at her explanation. In the silence that followed, Lily’s mind began to speculate wildly about just who this woman might be and why the idea of her being pregnant would sicken Sirius. From the way Marlene’s face darkened, Lily thought they were imagining the same thing.

While this woman was a bit older than them, Sirius did have a substantial reputation. It wasn’t hard to believe that he could have become caught up with an older woman. It hadn’t been a casual affair though. That much was obvious at the tension between them. Clearly, Sirius had cared enough for this woman that the news that she was carrying another man’s child deeply upset him.

If he wasn’t the father himself! Lily couldn’t prevent the gasp that escaped her at the thought. Oh no, no, no. If Cissy was to deliver in the spring, that meant she’d conceived towards the end of summer when Sirius had been roaming free, likely wreaking havoc throughout England.

“Boy or girl?” Sirius asked finally.

“A girl, they say,” Cissy said, seeming comforted that the silence had finally broken.

“Congratulations, I suppose,” Sirius said. Gone was his previous horror. Now he affected nothing but the casual arrogance that so often made Lily want to drive a quill into his abdomen.

“Indeed. Listen, I would stay to…chat, but I’m traveling with Bella, and I really must go,” Narcissa said hurriedly.

Sirius’s demeanor changed immediately. “Fine, go. Quickly.”

The compartment door slid closed and the witch was gone, but it was not as if she had never been there. The consequences of her presence were very obviously felt throughout the compartment’s occupants. Sirius looked sullen and miserable, likely mourning the witch he’d lost or the child he would never know. His past tryst was clearly no secret to the other Marauders as they all looked cautiously towards their friend, wary as if he might explode any second. Strangely, James kept sending paranoid glances towards the door as if he expected a dementor or some equally vile creature to come barreling in at them.

The girls did not fare any better. Lily fumed at the many wrongs her imagination had concocted, furious with Sirius for any number of possible sins. Marlene didn’t look angry. She just looked crestfallen, sinking low in her seat and no longer meeting anyone’s eye. The sight of her misery only fed into Lily’s own anger.

“Who was that exactly?” Lily asked.

“No one I’ll ever see again,” Sirius answered cagily.

Lily scoffed at this blatant evasion. As if she or Marlene were going to settle for that kind of half answer. If Sirius was single, it would be one thing. She wouldn’t care if he impregnated half the witches outside of Hogwarts. Hell, half the women inside of Hogwarts! He was, however, exclusively dating Marlene. He had no right to hide any bastard children or past experienced lovers. The very thought of him trying to keep this from Marlene had Lily’s blood at a boil.

“Who was she _before_ she was someone you’d never see again?” Lily asked nastily.

The look Sirius responded with was decidedly unpleasant. “Believe it or not, O-Exalted-Head-Girl, but not everything is your business.”

“Maybe not, but don’t you think it’s Marlene’s business?”

Sirius looked mildly surprised at the turn of the conversation and looked at Marlene for the first time. There was no missing that she was upset. Blindness would be the only excuse for not noticing.

“Is that so?” Sirius asked Marlene. He didn’t sound angry exactly, but the challenge was abundantly clear.

“No, I’m fine. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Marlene said.

Sirius nodded as if everything was settled when it was obviously anything but. Lily couldn’t believe he would take advantage of Marlene’s insecurities to escape giving her the answers she very much deserved. Actually, she could believe it. That kind of callous treatment of Marlene’s feelings was very much in line with everything Lily had seen of their relationship thus far, and very much in line with her long held opinion of Sirius Black as a right git.

“Sirius Black, you must certainly do –”

James cut her off, “Enough, Lily. He’ll tell her if he wants to.”

Lily reeled around to glare at James, but he met her angry stare with a fierce one of his own. There was no give in his expression. The subject was closed, and if she didn’t agree, she’d be fighting the both of them.

Already hot with anger, James’ interruption didn’t make her burn with rage like it would normally. Instead, ice settled in her veins and with it came the control to defiantly lift her chin and drop the subject. After all Marlene was watching, and Lily knew these were the moments Marlene meant when she spoke of respecting her boundaries.

Nothing changed the fact that she now felt wronged by James though. Just because she’d agreed to go on a date with him hardly meant he automatically gained the authority to boss her about. The confidence with which he’d told her to back off, the self-assured way he’d assumed the order – because that was what it was – would be obeyed because he was the one who issued it, rankled in a way that left Lily seething.

When Vernon spoke to Petunia like that, her sister _always_ listened.

Biting the inside of her cheek to keep quiet, she turned to stare out the window. The bus lurched forward every few seconds, so the view was disconcerting – an abruptly shifting array of cars and compact houses giving way to empty fields and views of the shadow-cast sea. Had she not felt so overwhelmed emotionally, she would have avoided the sickening scenery at all costs.

“Did you hear about Professor Binns dying?” Dahlia asked, bizarrely cheerful in her attempt to change the subject and settle the charged atmosphere.

Everyone rehashed the same, old story. Half-listening, Lily noted bitterly that Sirius continued his rumor about Binns swelling despite Lily’s earlier clarification. Lily wondered whether he never listened to her in the first place, so he didn’t realize he was spreading misinformation. Derisively, Lily thought she wouldn’t be surprised to learn Sirius zoned out everyone but his three dorm mates.

Throughout the conversation, Lily remained stubbornly quiet, never so much as looking at the person talking. James caught on to this behavior almost immediately but left her to stew for the first few minutes. Maybe he thought she’d calm down on her own time.

If she wasn’t in such an awful mood, the thought would have made her laugh.

After several minutes, James must have decided he’d had enough of her sullen silence because he stopped ignoring her strop. He laid a hand on her shoulder and rubbed in a pattern designed to comfort. When that didn’t work, he nuzzled his cheek against her neck like one of the cats he claimed to merely tolerate.

When that didn’t work, he had the gall to _flick_ her! In the cheek. One strong thwack of his forefinger to her skin. Annoying her had always been a tried and true way to gain her attention in the past. Evidently, he hadn’t updated his arsenal of tricks.

Had his crime been less severe, it would have probably been an effective tactic. After all, it was terribly difficult to take herself or her problems seriously when she had a bespectacled goon flicking her in the face.

This, however, was one of her greatest relationship fears come to life. The first sign that for every drop James gave, he’d expect an ocean in return. James had chased her for so many years, the moment he had he, he’d expect to _have_ her – complete obedience, the docile girlfriend who worshipped him and never dared disagree. Exactly what Sirius demanded of Marlene. Exactly what Sev fantasized about when he envisioned them together.

So Lily didn’t yield. She let James flick her cheek with no indication that she even noticed except a tightening of her mouth. At her reticence, she could sense James’ growing alarm. He’d finally realized that she might not be so quick to forgive.

The confirmation that she still had some level of control, that she could still make him work for it, was like aloe on a sunburn – two parts soothing and one part refreshing. She enjoyed it so much that she very well may have let James continue to frantically massage her shoulder (as if that was somehow the solution) for the rest of the night.

James wasn’t nearly as overcome at the prospect of losing her as she’d imagined. He, at least, maintained the rationality needed to realize they needed to speak privately as there was no world in which Lily would have a substantial conversation in mixed company.

“Lily, can we talk outside?”

“Bella’s out there,” Sirius said, entirely off topic.

“I know. It’ll be fine,” James said. “Lily, please.”

Briefly, she toyed with the idea of refusing. It would only serve him right. Except, he did say please, and Sirius was smiling cruelly at her. The jerk was probably praying for the moment Lily and James’ relationship crumbled. Her refusing would be a victory for him, and Lily wasn’t too far gone to forget who the enemy was.

Awkwardly as they weren’t seated closest to the door, the feuding pair stumbled out of the compartment into the aisle. James led her a few paces from the sliding door so that anything they said would be swallowed up by the roar of the engine beneath their feet.

“What the fuck is your problem?” James growled, rounding on her. Apparently, she’d misinterpreted him. He was less worried than angry.

“I don’t feel like arguing with you,” Lily said dismissively.

“So you feel like ruining everyone else’s evening by acting like a brat?” James all but shouted. “Merlin, Lily! This is ridiculous. Everyone’s miserable because of you.”

Lily could have informed him that Marlene was already miserable because her boyfriend was a lying arse and that her own behavior had nothing to do with it. True to her word, however, Lily didn’t argue back. Even though it demanded a Herculean effort of self-control, she succeeded in keeping her mouth shut. Her new tactic had the unexpected effect of derailing whatever James had planned to yell next. Evidently he required an active sparring partner. Even as she mentally insisted this would be their first and only date, she filed this tidbit away as useful information.

Pulling at his hair in frustration, James said, “I don’t even understand why you’re angry in the first place! What do you want from me?”

Since silence was working so well, Lily saw no reason to change strategies.

“Please, would you just –”

“What have we here?”

James’ red face paled dramatically as he took notice of the woman approaching from behind Lily. Like their argument was forgotten, he grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her forward so that she was held protectively to his side.

Physically, the woman who’d spoken hardly warranted such a fearful reaction. Slight and severe, she couldn’t have been older than thirty, if that. Yet, there was something in her expression, a façade of amusement covering something more calculating that seemed to justify James’ protectiveness.

“If it isn’t James Potter, scion of the house of Potter,” she cooed like one would calm a flighty horse. “Are you here with dear Sirius?”

“Not tonight. Just me and my girl,” James said tightly.

He closed his eyes as if regretting the words as it invited the woman – who Lily now suspected was the previously mentioned Bella – to look at her. Inspect her. Lily couldn’t place what was so unnerving about this woman’s stare, but she knew she’d pay one hundred galleons to never have to experience it again.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” Bella asked, somehow turning the question into an order.

“Bellatrix, this is Mary MacDonald. Mary, Bellatrix Lestrange,” James said.

His hold on her wrist tightened to the point where it would likely bruise as he lied. Lily had to fight back a telling wince.

“It’s a pleasure,” Lily breathed.

“MacDonald,” Bellatrix said thoughtfully. “Half-decent family. Though I heard there was some muggle one the sister’s side. Is it true?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Lily said truthfully because she was hardly familiar with the intricacies of the MacDonald family tree.

Her answer seemed to delight Lestrange, who began to guffaw loudly. “That’s the way to do it. Completely forget about the ones who sully the family name. Deny, deny, deny!”

Lily no longer needed to ask why everyone had been so keen to avoid this woman. Three guesses as to her politics would have been two too many. In all her life, Lily had never met someone who wore their anti-muggleborn prejudices so openly. Even Nott was capable of a little subtlety when the moment demanded it.

“Sneaking out of Hogwarts is very naughty,” Bellatrix said when she’d stopped giggling to herself. “Where are you children off to?”

“I’m introducing Mary to my parents,” James said.

“How unfortunate. If you were headed to Diagon Alley, I would have suggested we have a nice chat together. Cissy’s pregnant you know. Second time in her marriage. That’s why we’re taking this crude, muggle nonsense instead of flooing. It’s so easy to miscarry,” Bellatrix babbled.

There was a baffling level of delusion in deigning the Knight Bus in any way “muggle.” It was a bus, sure, but that was where the similarities ended. Lily doubted this woman had ever been on a muggle bus to know the difference.

“Yeah, too bad,” James said unconvincingly.

Bellatrix pouted at him and then leaned in towards Lily. The fine hairs on the back of her neck rose to attention, and she had to fight the urge to glare openly. There was nothing she could do when the sickening woman lifted one perfectly manicured hand and began to pat her cheek condescendingly. They were too close, terribly close. She could smell her perfume: lilies. An irony that Lily was unable to appreciate. It was rather like the sensation Lily had read a dementor could induce. Lily doubted she’d ever be able to enjoy anything again.

“I’m so happy to see our James with a nice, respectable girl,” she said, still stroking Lily’s cheek. “Keep him close. He has bad, bad ideas and a tendency to deny his heritage. You’ll fix him of that, I’m sure.”

Lily ought to have answered yes and waited for this awful woman to leave her alone, but she felt a surge of ill-advised rebellion. Her pride could only take so much, and blindly agreeing with this woman’s bigotry out of fear was not a hit it could sustain.

“James’ll do as he pleases. I like him like that,” Lily said shortly.

“Well, some do advise you let the man lead,” Bellatrix said unaffected. “I can only hope this rubs off on our dear Sirius. You’ll tell him you saw me, won’t you? Walburga so desperately wants to speak to him.”

“I’ll tell him,” James said.

Finally, blessedly, Bellatrix backed away so that she was no longer touching Lily’s cheek, and Lily was able to breathe again. She’d been in danger of turning purple from lack of oxygen.

“Good, because if he doesn’t, I may have to pay him a visit of my own,” Bellatrix simpered. It was the most threatening simper Lily had ever heard.

Bellatrix left after that, but it was several minutes before Lily or James made any move to speak. Once she was out of sight, James pulled Lily into a rather domineering hug, crushing her to his chest and not relenting even as she wriggled uncomfortably. While their fight was not forgotten, she recognized that James needed this. That his fear had been for her, and he needed to reassure himself that she was alright.

“Well, she was pleasant,” Lily said, aiming for levity and outrageously missing the mark so she just came off flighty.

“Not really,” James said unnecessarily.

Argument be damned, Lily desperately wanted to return to their compartment. The flimsy sliding door would provide a sense of safety, an easily shatterable illusion as there were no locks, but sometimes illusion was all she had, and she would cling to it fiercely. Out there in the aisle where she had a straight view to the ends of the bus, everything was too exposed. There was nothing stopping Bella from returning for seconds. And Lily was left with the impression the rattling Bella had just given them was letting them off easy.

“Listen, I’m sorry,” Lily said genuinely.

Her return to the previous subject was enough to break the trance Bellatrix had left James in, and he grew agitated with Lily all over again. “I just don’t understand why you were so upset. What does it matter to you how Sirius knows Narcissa? And what the hell did I do?”

“As I said _before_ , I don’t care, but Marlene has a right to know.”

It was amazing how quickly old indignation could return to her. Still, she was nowhere near as angry as she’d been back in the compartment. Confronting someone so undeniably threatening was a great reminder of priorities.

“Sirius and Marlene have been together a week! You can’t expect him to share his darkest secrets just yet,” James said.

“No, but Marlene has the right to know information that might affect whether she wants to date him. The kind of secrets that reveal what kind of person he really is,” Lily insisted.

“You’re not exactly the paragon of honesty yourself. Have you shared all your deep, dark secrets with me? Anything I ought to know?”

“That’s completely different,” Lily spluttered. “You know _who_ I am!”

At her answer, James softened and twirled a lock of her hair affectionately. Somewhat startled, Lily realized she’d been anxiously pulling at the same strand since their argument restarted. She purposefully clasped her hands behind her back.

“I get it. You’re looking out for your mate,” James said firmly. “But maybe Marlene knows Sirius the same way I know you. Let them work these things out for themselves.”

“Fine,” Lily said grumpily.

“Is that all?”

No. No that was not all. The very root of the problem – James’ presumption in giving her orders, like he’d learned nothing from their blow out over Nott – was entirely unresolved. In fact, Lily was beginning to suspect that James didn’t even realize that was how he’d upset her.

Yet…

Yet, she’d snuck out of Hogwarts, flouting the rules she held so dear, all in order to have a night of adventure. In order to _share_ a night of adventure with James. Lily had been so excited all day in the lead up to this date. The kind of excitement that slowed each tick of the clock and even a dead professor couldn’t stymy.

Delving into their issues would leave them emotionally exhausted, if not furious with each other. The date would be ruined before they’d even stepped foot in their destination. Lily couldn’t live with the disappointment.

“Yeah, that’s all. I’m sorry for getting so cross with you before,” Lily said and she was unable to deny that her shoulders felt a little lighter now that she’d maneuvered away from a huge fight with James.

James chucked her under the chin. “No worries. Screaming matches with you come with the territory. ‘Sides, it keeps me young.”

“And here I thought youth came with being seventeen.”

“Nope, all you,” James said cheerily. “Well, and the boys. They keep me on my toes as well.”

Lily shook her head and began to walk back to their compartment before she thought better of it. Before she passed him, she stopped. Not even needing to stretch to her tiptoes thanks to her boots, Lily pressed a tender, lingering kiss to James’ cheek. A promise that all was truly forgiven.

Then she flicked him in the face. Hard.

“Evans! You little –”

James made as if to grab her, but she was already racing in the opposite direction. Giggling wildly, Lily ran back to the compartment.

James chased her every step of the way.


	32. Oct. 21: Part 2

**Oct. 21, 1977**

The wonders of magic never ceasing, the group of Gryffindors managed to arrive in London after only an hour of travel, part of which had been spent driving over the literal sea, black waves lapping at the spinning wheels. If they hadn’t been forced to make dozens of stops, Lily suspected they could have arrived within one minute instead of one hour.

They all exited the bus with decidedly less grace than they’d boarded. In order of drunkenness, Lily would rank Marlene as the worst followed by Dahlia, Sirius and Remus. She and James were left as the responsible ones, and Lily had never before been able to count on James to behave, so she doubted he’d be much help if the situation called for it.

What they lacked in sobriety and gracefulness, they more than made up for in spirits. The tension from meeting Bellatrix Lestrange had been forgotten. In fact, their run in had only served to heighten their merriment. For Lily, having a brush against someone so repugnant had enforced the idea that she ought to make the most of the night. There were ugly things in the world, and the only way to make life worth living was to recognize and revel in the beautiful. Their triple-date and the chance to escape the confines of the castle was undoubtedly one of those things.

The club wasn’t hard to find, though Lily thought it would be easy to miss during the daylight hours when business was slow. It was down an alley, illuminated by lit lanterns – a novelty for their muggle clientele but passe for a group of Hogwarts students. It was the line of people, most of them clad in black and some sporting dyed green mohawks, that really drew their attention. Lily tugged self-consciously at her skirt as she realized that this was not a crowd with which she could seamlessly blend.

Once in line, the three boys began to smoke. Derisively, Lily thought that they were probably only doing so to look cool, but damn was it working. Their usual arrogant swagger exacerbated by the thrill of sneaking out and coupled with the cigarettes had them looking like three James Deans. Lily, wondering if that made her Natalie Wood, looped arms with Marlene and snuggled up against her friend to try to fend off the cold.

“I’m so glad we’ve fixed things with Alice,” Marlene said as the Marauders started discussing cigarette brands and other boring topics that held literally zero interest for them.

“Me too,” Lily agreed. “We work better as five.”

“Totally, and it just made me feel so bad. Like, can you even imagine if you just woke up one day and everyone hated you?”

“Jesus, Marlene,” Lily said uncomfortably. “Can you be a little less depressing?”

“Sorry, just I heard from Margaret Hutchens that Alice spent that whole week doing nothing but practicing –” and here she whispered the words, “ – transfiguring things into casts because she was lonely and they kept her company.”

Lily closed her eyes to ward off the wave of guilt. She’d found Alice last week hidden in a cupboard with a mysterious array of cats. She’d wondered where they came from but hadn’t come close to guessing the horrible truth.

“That’s so sad.”

Lily’s eyes snapped open to stare uncomprehendingly at Dahlia. This was clearly a private conversation and there was Dahlia, their friend in only the loosest sense of the word, standing a few feet to the side and offering her opinion. It was off-putting to say the least.

“Well, rowing with friends is always sad,” Lily said diplomatically as Dahlia clearly expected a response.

Marlene didn’t manage her reaction as well, staring at Dahlia with the kind of disbelief usually reserved for someone who’d just magically sprouted facial hair. They were saved from any more awkwardness by Sirius who decided they needed a comprehensive history on the Firecracker Lips, the band that was playing that night.

“We’re missing the first set now,” Sirius said, gesturing to the club where they could hear guitar strains drifting from the open door. “But the first set’s always rubbish anyway. Mostly cover stuff. The original songs will be saved for later.”

“Goodie, so we’re missing everything we could possibly sing along to,” Lily muttered, having the good sense to keep her voice down so Sirius wouldn’t hear and start lecturing her on art and originality. Marlene muffled her giggles against the padded shoulder of Lily’s jacket.

“I’d say the band’s most influenced by The Clash,” Sirius said loudly, and Lily really wished he’d lower his voice so the other patrons in line, all of whom looked far more punk than Sirius, wouldn’t hear him. “Of course, there’s also some of the Stooges in there. They, like everyone else, owe everything to the Ramones. There’s also some credit owed to The Rolling Stones. Honestly though, I’d say everything is at least a little influenced by The Beatles. They’re positively iconic. There’s never been a band like them, and there never will be again.”

Lily had to bite her lip to hold back from reminding Sirius that she and Marlene were muggleborns. They knew plenty about The Rolling Stones’ legacy. Probably more than he did in fact. The lecture was patronizing and made her want to jam the heel of her boot into his shoe. A pureblood telling a couple of muggleborns about their musical heritage. Honestly! Not that Lily actually knew much about the origins of punk rock, but the facts did nothing to lessen her indignation.

Despite the number of bodies in line, it didn’t take long until they were confronted with the bouncer at the door. He was the kind of tall that would have shocked and intimidated Lily before Hogwarts and her first sight of Hagrid’s towering form – there was just something less impressive about 200 centimeters after she’d been faced with two-hundred-sixty. What he lost in height, however, the bouncer more than made up for in style. With thick gauges in his ears and long-hair teased into a ponytail, he was the type of character that Mrs. Evans would shamelessly cross the street to avoid. In direct opposition to Sirius’s many claims on the matter, he was also asking for identification from everyone in line.

“ID,” he said shortly when they reached the front.

Lily turned with raised eyebrows to the boys. She was terribly conscious of the line stretched long behind them and the many patrons that were about to witness their banishment. She wished that she could write the whole thing off as silly. After all, she knew she’d never see the people in line again and they were hardly the type she should long to impress. Yet, it made no difference. Her cheeks flushed red all the same and they hadn’t even admitted to not having IDs yet.

With the swagger that had opened a million doors for him at Hogwarts, James pushed his way to the front and began to explain their situation to the bouncer. Their situation essentially being that they all looked far older than eighteen, so even if they had forgotten their silly, little identification cards, surely he could let them in all the same. Lily looked skeptically at Dahlia and Remus who both looked every bit their age. Marlene wasn’t much better.

Unsurprisingly, the bouncer didn’t buy it, and told them to fuck off in no uncertain terms. James continued cajoling and bargaining only seemed to strengthen the man’s commitment to not let them enter. Lily might have just buried her head in her hands and rued the day she accepted James’ invitation to this stupid club except she was dreadfully cold and she swore she saw Sirius make a move for his wand, possibly to cast a Confundus upon the bouncer, so she had no choice but to step in.

“Please, can’t you make an exception just this once,” Lily wheedled, sidling up to the front of the queue so that she could look the bouncer directly in the eye.

He looked at her, soft and sweet compared to the swaggering arrogance of James and for the first time looked unhappy to have to turn them away. “I’m sorry, but the law’s the law.”

“I know, and I wouldn’t ask, only it’s my friend Marlene’s birthday –” at this Lily drew a squeaking Marlene forward as well so that they now stood arm and arm. “And this is her favorite band. We’ve come all the way from Scotland by bus just to see them.”

“You don’t sound Scottish,” the bouncer pointed out.

“We go to boarding school and have our first free weekend of the year,” Dahlia said, quickly joining in on the lie.

Now the three boys had been pushed back so that the girls could work a kind of magic they were entirely unfamiliar with. If Lily had turned her head, she would have seen a very disgruntled James. He wasn’t used to being shown up at anything.

“Please,” Lily pleaded again, widening her eyes to the point that they began to hurt, in an effort to appeal guileless. “There’s never _anything_ to do at school. We’re always so bored.”

He scanned them up and down, and Lily thanked Shelia for forcing her into such a tiny skirt. Honestly, Lily thought they’d have been let in without question had they only come alone. Three pretty girls weren’t the type you turned away from a club, even if they were underage by muggle standards. It was James’ never concealed arrogance that had put the bouncer on guard.

“Fine,” the bouncer relented, probably aware that the crowd was getting anxious. “But don’t get too drunk, sweetheart.”

As she slipped by him with a gracious smile, he patted her on the back, nowhere scandalous per say but still familiar enough to put her on edge. She was more than happy to escape into the club and blink a few times, no longer having to force an innocently seductive smile onto her face. Her cheeks ached from the strain of it.

“Evans! My hero!” Sirius cried once they were out of ear shot.

For a terrible moment, Lily thought he might actually hug her in his enthusiasm. Either her face conveyed her dread at the prospect or he remembered how much he disliked her because he didn’t actually make a move to show his gratitude. Instead, he turned to Marlene, ruffling her hair and congratulating her on playing the ingénue even as Marlene stuttered that all she’d done was stand there.

“Well that wasn’t on. Did you see how that git pawed at you?” James grumbled.

“I _felt_ the way he pawed at me,” Lily said, but then she realized her words were only going to rile James up, so she amended, “Except not really…I could use a drink. Who wants a drink?”

“Me!” Dahlia drunkenly cried.

James looked like he could have said several things more about the bouncer, but he allowed Lily to drag him towards the bar. A drink in her hand was going to be essential to surviving the evening because she wasn’t entirely sure how the night would go. Would they couple up? In which case, she hadn’t the slightest idea what she and James would talk about in a muggle club with music blaring so loudly they’d need to shout to be heard. Would they break off by gender, with the girls finding ways to entertain themselves while the Marauders got pissed? Or would they all stick together, guaranteeing four hours of stories about the Marauders’ exploits?

This was why Lily had never gone on a group date before. Well, that and she’d never been asked.

They had to fight to squeeze into the limited space by the bar and then struggle to grab the bartender’s attention. At least, Lily did. Even though James’ charisma had failed him outside, it had apparently been a fluke as he had no trouble flagging the bartender down within seconds. The ease with which he gained the man’s attention, even as voices shouted at him from all sides, was bordering on obnoxious. Lily had little doubt it would have taken ten minutes before the bartender noticed her. James hadn’t even needed to make a scene to do it either, only waving two fingers with an authority that tricked everyone around into believing he was someone important. Maybe he was.

“What can I get you?” the bartender asked.

James nodded at Lily to indicate she should order first, so she asked for a whiskey sour. Before James could follow up with his own order, Sirius interrupted, and Lily almost fainted when she heard his order. It was like he _wanted_ them all to be dragged before the Wizengamont.

“Firewhiskey,” Sirius said firmly.

“Oh, me too!” James seconded because the two friends apparently shared one brain cell between them.

The bartender frowned a bit before saying, “We don’t really serve that. But, I’ll tell you what. How’s about a Green Dragon instead?”

“I don’t know what that is,” James said, “but it sounds –”

“Wicked,” Sirius finished eagerly.

Smirking, the bartender left to prep their drinks. Lily seized upon the chance to scold them for their irresponsibility.

“You can’t take stupid risks like that,” Lily whispered.

“Relax, Lily. We ordered a drink. No muggle’s going to hear and make the mental leap that we must be wizards and completely unfamiliar with muggle culture,” James said reasonably.

Few things irked Lily quite like when James displayed more reason than her. It broke every law of the universe and, worse, made her feel silly.

“They might figure it out if you shout the truth in front of them,” Lily shot back, but James refused to be chagrined.

“Sides, we got a cool drink out of it,” James said, gesturing to the two acid-green shots that the bartender set before them.

“I’ve never seen a dragon that color. It should be a bit richer, more emerald. That or change the name,” Sirius said skeptically.

The bartender seemed to like them as he just laughed and said, “Just watch guys.”

He produced a lighter and proceeded to light their drinks on fire. The air heated as a solid but contained flame danced upon the surface of their shots. James and Sirius’s dimly lit faces showed nothing but wonder as the flame burned out before them.

“Blow to cool it off, then drink,” the bartender advised as he’d rightly pegged them as new to Green Dragons. Honestly, with the way James was ogling his shot, Lily wouldn’t be surprised if the bartender thought this was their first drink in general.

The clink of the boys’ glasses colliding as they issued a cheers was entirely lost in the din of the club. Lily watched the bob of James’ adam’s apple as his throat worked around the liquid. Judging from the look of unrestrained disgust on his face, the Green Dragon looked better than it tasted. His lips pursed like he’d eaten a lemon whole as he set the glass back on the bar. Though he hid it somewhat better – years of snooty upbringing didn’t disappear overnight – Sirius didn’t appear to be a fan either.

Wiping his lips, Sirius said “That was –”

“Wicked!” James shouted.

Lily let her head drop wearily onto the worn wood of the bar in exasperation. They’d clearly both hated it, and yet the naughty joy of playing with fire trumped the suffering of their taste buds. Boys and fire were a mystery she would never understand.

“Another for our friend,” James ordered. “Moony, you’ve got to try this!”

They weren’t the only customers of course, so Lily nursed her drink while the bartender ran himself ragged trying to cater to the demands of the spoilt purebloods and the other patrons. Like a good boyfriend, Remus helped secure a drink for Dahlia, and the three boys all ordered pints from the tap.

The only one forgotten was Marlene, and Sirius showed no signs that he was planning to help. It was yet another strike against him as Lord knew Marlene wasn’t assertive enough to get a drink herself. Inattentiveness – yet another flaw to attribute to Sirius Black. Lily would need to start a journal if she hoped to keep up with them all.

“James!” Lily shouted. She had to repeat the call a few times until he heard her, but once she got his attention, she continued, “Can you get the bartender again please?”

James cast an amused look at her practically full glass and said, “Thirsty, aren’t we?”

“It’s for Marlene,” she explained.

“Too shy to do it yourself?” James teased, already turning back toward the bar to assist.

It was baffling to realize that an innocent remark like that would have set her off three weeks ago. The retort that she would have delivered, a sneer about how not everyone required constant attention to survive, rose to the front of her mind as if in reflex. She’d battled him for far too many years to just shut it off. Her Potter comebacks were like a muscle she’d worked diligently for years. It wouldn’t dissolve in a matter of weeks.

Instead of lashing out, Lily joked back, “I need a big, strong man to order my drinks.”

“And don’t you forget it,” James said, lips quirked in a smile.

“I won’t, rest assured. I had to step over a puddle yesterday. It nearly killed me. My ankles are still sore,” Lily laughed.

“Next time you see a puddle, just stand still and wait for me to arrive. I’ll carry you to safety,” James promised.

The bartender finally arrived to take Marlene’s order, putting an end to any more banter about the treachery of puddles.

“Do you have a wine list?” Marlene squeaked quietly enough that the bartender had to lean over the bar to hear her.

“No.”

Lily looked around the club. She couldn’t see much of the furnishings with the mass of bodies filling the space, but it was spare to the point of looking empty. There was a calendar of provocatively dressed women posing with cars on the wall. There were more tongue rings than wedding rings in the building. It wasn’t a place that would carry a wine list.

“Umm, a vodka soda, then,” Marlene said, looking flushed and embarrassed.

“A wine list? Really, Marlene?” Lily laughed.

“It never hurts to ask,” Marlene defended before muttering something about never having heard of an establishment that didn’t serve wine.

Sometimes Lily couldn’t fathom how she’d come to be friends with so many rich trust fund kids. As much as she complained about Sirius, at least he’d had the decency to be disinherited. James’ and Marlene’s affluence was too disgusting to think about.

There were no empty tables available, so they found a spot along the wall from which they could watch the band. Casually, Sirius leaned against the wall, while Marlene leaned against him. Remus and Dahlia adopted much the same position.

Again, Lily was reminded that despite everything, she and James weren’t a couple. They didn’t have that type of ease with each other. It wasn’t natural to just reach for him. Sure they were _plenty_ physical. That was something Lily could brag that they excelled at, thank you very much. Cuddling, however, was something entirely different. Just because they’d done it before didn’t make it any better either. Post-row hugs didn’t count.

Neither of them made a move to bridge the gap.

It took half a song for Lily to decide she hated the Flaming-Bleeding-Raining Lips or whatever they were called. She could admit that they had a half-decent bassist, but their drum beats were mediocre and she hardly classified snarling into the microphone as singing. They had no showmanship either, unless Lily counted inciting the crowd with incendiary remarks about the queen and parliament, which she decidedly did not.

She couldn’t figure out what they could possibly be so angry about. On her plate, Lily had a genocidal maniac and hordes of mindless purebloods that wanted to wipe her out of existence, all permitted to happen because the government was complicit in their prejudice against people like her, and she seemed better adjusted. Lily longed for the Bee Gees. Now there was a band that knew how to move an audience.

“What do you think? What’s his story?” James’ hot breath ghosted along her ear, causing her to jump in surprise.

“Excuse me?”

“That guy,” James said, pointing to a man standing alone and swaying back-and-forth to a beat that didn’t match the music. “How do you think he _became_ that guy?”

Lily really looked at the man. He was decorated in tattoos that wound their way up his neck and had a mop of greasy hair not unlike Severus’s own mane. In contrast to what Lily normally associated with tattoo-bedecked punk enthusiasts, he was skinny. It was like his skin sat directly atop his bird-like bones, with no muscles to separate the two, and he had a set of elbows that looked sharp enough to cut through a wooden plank.

“I’d guess he feels alienated by popular culture because he can’t fit their ideals, so he’s turned to a sub-culture that rejects traditional norms and will celebrate his anger,” Lily said thoughtfully.

James looked at her askance. “Fuck, Lily! That’s not how you’re supposed to play.”

“I answered your question,” Lily argued, hands on her hips.

“You depressed me is what you did. This game isn’t about psychobabble, it’s about…” James scanned the room. “Here watch me.”

He pointed to a group near the stage. Two women, one with a shaved head and another with a borderline obscene leather vest where there should have been a shirt, and a man who had tattoos and the muscles to go along with them. Vest-girl and the man looked to be a couple.

“So, I think the bald one introduced our adoring couple here, but secretly she’s always been in love with our Mack,” James said lowly in her ear.

“How do you know his name is Mack?”

“Work with me just a little, Evans,” James scolded. “So, _as I was saying_ , Deirdre introduced them because she assumed a fine male specimen like Mack would never go for her. He’d prefer the blonde sexpot type like Clarissa.”

Lily nearly spit out her drink when he named the tough-looking woman – really, she looked like she was every bit capable of strangling James with her bare hands – a name as grannyish as Deirdre. After she managed to safely swallow, she giggled.

“Now, Mack was very grateful for the introduction, but lately he’s started to wonder about Deirdre. See how he keeps glancing at her? Soft and blonde is all well and good, but lately he can’t stop thinking about hard and bald. Plus, he has a connection with Deirdre. They listen to the same music, and drink the same beer brand, and vote the same party,” James said.

“James…you are so full of shite,” Lily said, causing him to gasp in outrage. “There’s no reason to believe any of that stuff, and it’s borderline rude. Mack’s looking at Deirdre the way a normal person looks at a friend, you loon.”

“I have unparalleled senses when it comes to picking out sexual tension. Trust me,” James bragged.

“Full of shite,” Lily sang back.

“Fine. You give it a try,” James dared.

Lily scanned the room for a good target. Eventually, she spotted another group of three – this time two men and one woman. The woman sat in between the two men, both of whom casually hung their arms around her shoulders.

“Well, Jane, John, and…George have been –”

“Jane, John, and George? Those are the names you’re going with?” James demanded, managing to sound mildly offended at her perhaps a tad lackluster naming choices.

“What? Would you prefer Sparkles, Iron, and Damien?” Lily scoffed.

“Yes!”

“Fine!” Lily relented though she made sure to huff loudly so that he knew she wasn’t happy about it. “Sparkles, Iron, and Damien have been friends since primary school. I mean, look at how comfortable they look with each other. It takes years to build up that kind of trust. There have never been any romantic complications between them either. They’re just best mates who occasionally go to see a show together where they catch up on each other’s lives and reminisce about their sandbox days.”

“They’re fucking,” James said definitively. Definitively and crudely.

“James!”

“Come on, Lily. There’s no way there are no romantic entanglements between those three. Perfect sexual tension radar, remember?” James argued.

They both looked back at the unsuspecting patrons. There certainly weren’t any signs of a sexual relationship. They were just sitting after all. How did James draw sex from sitting? Lily was rather certain he was just being contrary. Had she said they were dating, he would have argued that they’d never viewed each other that way for even a second.

“You’re wrong,” Lily said stubbornly.

Wariness crept through her as James’ eyes began to glint behind his glasses. Maybe it was just the lighting, after all there were a lot of special effects coming from the stage, but Lily had the terrible feeling that the sparkle in James’ eye was more accurately attributed to the prospect of mischief. It was the kind of look that sent their professors’ hearts racing in fear.

“Wanna bet?” James asked leadingly.

Lily was fairly certain that the appropriate move in this situation would be to kick him in the shin and run. A bet, indeed! Because bets had worked out so well for them so far.

“You can’t have two bets going at once,” Lily said. “There are rules about these things.”

“Oh, yeah? Where’d you come up with a thing like that?”

“It’s just common sense, James. You can’t run two bets simultaneously, otherwise, you could try to sabotage your opponent’s first bet through the second bet. It just can’t be done,” Lily insisted.

James rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to ask you to do anything that will interfere with the _bet_.” He placed a lot of emphasis on the word bet, the verbal equivalent of bolding and underlining a word. “Simply, I bet that you’re wrong about that group, and if I go ask them, they’ll prove me right.”

“You want to go actually talk to these people?” Lily asked.

“Sure,” James shrugged. “And you go talk to the three near the stage and find out whether I was right about Mack’s longing.”

Lily spoke slowly as if hoping he would jump in and tell her she’d misunderstood. That he couldn’t possibly be that stupid. What did he take her for? “You want me to ask that man if he secretly wants to date his friend in front of his current girlfriend?”

“I have faith that you can be a bit more subtle than that,” James laughed, “but if you’re too scared, I understand.”

Lily wanted to tell him in no uncertain terms that his obvious baiting was going to have no effect on her. She wasn’t a third year desperate to prove her worth as a true Gryffindor. She didn’t have to prove anything to anyone, let alone him.

Yet, against her will, the words that came out were, “Me? Scared? I’d only be scared if you were right, which as there’s no chance of that, I’m not.”

“Prove it, then,” James challenged.

Charged with a sense of purpose, defeating James and crushing him underfoot, Lily whirled around and marched towards the group they’d been spying on. She made it halfway before her mission started to feel ridiculous again, and she remembered that these were real people who were going to think her mad if she just attacked them with invasive questions about their personal lives. She stopped in the middle of the room to summon her nerve.

Maybe if they’d just been a couple of Hogwarts students or a couple patrons at the Three Broomsticks, Lily would have felt less nervous. This club, however, could hardly be considered Lily’s element. She had nothing in common with these people, no frame of reference for how they would act or how they would view her outside of that she’d seen on the telly.

Lily could guess of course, and her every guess filled her with a sense of dread. These weren’t teenagers out for a heated butterbeer on a snowy day. These were _adults_ , but not the kind of adults Lily was familiar with. They weren’t going to coo over her being head girl or pester her about being too skinny and needing to find a good boy. In their eyes, she wouldn’t be a child to be pampered nor an adult to engage as an equal. She was uppity. A fake.

Her thigh-high stockings, the only pair in the club that weren’t the kind filled with holes, suddenly felt terribly conspicuous.

Giving up seemed an attractive option, but Lily turned her head and found James talking animatedly with his targets. He hadn’t hesitated for a second, and Lily hated to think what he would have to say if she came back unsuccessful.

It was settled. She had no choice. Squaring her shoulders, Lily approached the group.

“Hi there,” she said cheerfully, trying to remember how she’d managed to befriend so many students in her early years at Hogwarts. “I just had to come over and say how much I love your necklace.”

Lily addressed the blonde who James had named Clarissa. The necklace in question consisted of five thick, intertwined chains with any manner of charms dangling off of it and into the swell of her cleavage. Lily doubted she’d ever seen such a hideous necklace before in her life.

“Thanks,” the woman said simply.

She didn’t give Lily any more to go off of, and Lily was forced to scramble for a follow-up. “So have you been into the band for a long time?”

They all exchanged looks, the kind of look that screamed “What’s up with this girl?” Embarrassed, Lily waited another beat to see if any of them would answer and provide some avenue for her to learn the information she wanted, but they weren’t forthcoming. It was amazing how intensely Lily could feel the quiet even as the music blared.

Scrambling, Lily blurted out, “Alright, so I’m here with this friend of mine, and he’s made this stupid bet because he’s stupid and it’s the kind of thing he does. He bet me that I couldn’t figure out how you all know each other, and so here I am, trying to prove him wrong. So I know this is mad, but could you tell me a bit about yourselves?”

“Breathe, love,” Deirdre advised, correctly sensing that Lily was moments away from working herself into a certified fit.

“How old are you?” Clarissa asked.

“Seventeen.”

“Lord, sit down, sweetheart,” Clarissa cooed, pulling back a chair at their table so that Lily could sit. “Seventeen and sneaking into the pubs. Do you remember those days, Bill?”

Bill snorted. “When did you ever have to sneak in? Pretty lass like you? They couldn’t open the door wide enough.”

Lily sank gratefully into the proffered chair. Up close, they were a lot less intimidating. Older too. She hadn’t expected to see wrinkles as the punk music scene seemed designed with disenfranchised youths in mind, but they were present if she looked closely enough, beneath the makeup.

“So why did your boy pick us?” Clarissa asked.

“Well, he’s not my boy,” Lily corrected reflexively, “but I mentioned how much I liked your necklace, and he just fixated on this bet idea, I guess.”

Lying was good, easy. With every word, Lily found herself gaining confidence. Her hands that had sat politely knotted in her lap, loosened.

Bill-formerly-known-as-Mack took a swig of his beer and asked, “What do you want to know?”

Obligingly, they told her a lot, like that Clarissa’s real name was Sarah and she owned her own hair salon. Mostly she did simple cuts for girls like Lily, but she was always trying to convince her customers to go edgier and last week had dyed an old woman’s hair a gunmetal grey that was pretty hardcore. She and Bill had been married going on eight years. No kids by choice, but they had four dogs, which they felt was practically like raising a family anyway.

Bill was in sales. He eagerly showed Lily his many tattoos and the strategy behind their placement – nothing beyond the crook of his elbow so that he could still roll up his shirt-sleeves at work in the summer without being deemed inappropriate for the office. Punk, he told her, was less a lifestyle for him and more a hobby. A list of his unexpected past times included a passion for fishing and model trains.

The coup d’resistance came from Deirdre, true name Eliza. In the middle of Eliza’s casual recounting of her life history, she dropped in how rarely she managed to see her beloved brother, Bill, and how attending concerts and watching musical acts at clubs with him was the only thing they had in common.

Lily nearly leapt out of her chair at the revelation. Siblings! Here was definitive proof that James’ cockeyed story was just that, a story. His sexual tension radar, if he’d ever possessed such a thing in the first place, was busted.

Armed with the truth, Lily could have easily made her excuses and run back to her friends. The bet – or that night’s bet at least – was won. Only, Lily found she rather enjoyed chatting with her new friends. They had life experiences where Lily only had potential, and they spoke with a playful animation that could only result from performing for a stranger. They were fun.

For that reason, Lily made no move to leave as Eliza continued her life story. She had several children and worked at a record label in the city. It had taken years for her to land upon the right job, and she’d enjoyed the freedom that came with working in such a creative industry by shaving off her hair and piercing her nose.

“So, you didn’t know what you wanted to be when you grew up?” Lily asked.

“Grown up? Who’s grown up?” Bill joked, looking wildly around the table.

“I knew exactly who I wanted to be,” Eliza told her firmly. “I wanted to be _me_ , nothing more, nothing less. It just took a little while to figure out what I wanted to _do_.”

Talk about a distinction. Lily had never before considered that such a difference existed between one’s career and self. She leaned back in her chair and reflected on what the lesson meant in the context of her own life. With her sending up upon her, it was a comforting thought for sure.

“Oh no, Liz, you’ve gone and broken her,” Sarah laughed.

“I’m not broken,” Lily said quickly. “I’m just…thinking.”

“Well, go brag to your boy about how you’ve won your bet and save the thinking for later,” Sarah ordered.

“He’s not my –”

“Boy. Yes, we know,” Sarah said.

“Word of advice,” Eliza offered, leaning forward and all Lily could think was that they’d already given her so much. More just felt like being spoiled. “For the last ten minutes, that boy has been staring at you with moons where his eyes should be –” Lily glanced behind her and sure enough, James was watching though there were no moons or stars or planets behind his glasses – “if he’s not your boy already, make him yours soon.”

They all had a good laugh then at the way Lily blushed red.

Lily left the table feeling a little light-headed – likely the whiskey. James leaned easily against the wall in the back. The aura of coolness that he was clearly trying to affect was somewhat diminished by the bit of foam from his beer that clung to his lower lip. Without thinking, Lily wiped the foam away, pretending she didn’t notice the way James’ eyes darkened. Pretending her eyes didn’t darken in return.

“So?” James asked.

‘We should have bet money on this,” Lily sighed. “You lose, Potter.”

“How can you be sure? You didn’t blatantly ask if Mack was having dirty fantasies about Deirdre…Did you?”

“And I thought you had faith in my ability to be subtle. No, I didn’t need to ask because Mack and Deirdre are brother and sister,” Lily said.

James frowned. “Seriously? And I was so sure.”

“You might want to take your sexual tension radar to the shop. It could use some repairs,” Lily teased.

“Oh, I think it’s working just fine.”

He looked down pointedly to where her hand was toying with the front of his shirt. She hadn’t even made the conscious choice to do so, her hand seeking him out as if it possessed a mind of its own. Lily had to resist the urge to put some space between them. There was nothing wrong with touching James’ shirt (and appreciatively feeling the muscles beneath…).

“It’s alright, James. I don’t think less of you just because you’re a loser. At least, not much,” Lily sang pleasantly.

“I’d say the same to you, but I’m afraid it’s not true. If I’m a loser, so are you, Evans,” James said smugly.

“What?”

“Your platonic trio. Not so platonic,” James said.

“You’re lying,” Lily tried hopefully.

“Nope,” James said, popping the ‘p.’ “They’re polyamorous. Sparkles and Damien are legally married but Iron lives with them, and they all know each other rather well. Know as in the sexual sense, if you know –”

“Yes, I know what you mean!” Lily cut him off. “I just can’t believe it. Who’s ever heard of such a thing?”

“You’re just bitter about joining me on the losers’ podium,” James said.

Every time he said loser, Lily’s eye twitched. Never in seventeen years had anyone implied Lily was anything but a winner. Today would not break her streak of victories.

“Well, technically speaking, if we look at the actual details of the bet and not just the surface-level minutiae, by which I mean we take the bet in the spirit in which it was issued, rather than at face value,” Lily rambled so that James creased his brow trying to follow her circuitous logic, “Well, we both won and no one lost.”

“I’m pretty sure you called me a loser two minutes ago,” James pointed out.

“I was being petty and a graceless winner. I proved you were wrong, so I won. You proved me wrong, so you won. See? No losers here,” Lily explained with several emphatic nods to drive the point home.

“Watching you twist reality is something else,” James laughed.

Before Lily could argue that she’d done no such thing, Marlene appeared at her side and enthusiastically chirped, “We’ve managed to nab a table. Can you believe it?”

Crowded as it was, Lily couldn’t believe it. The table’s view of the stage was rather blocked and it was on the complete opposite side of the club from the bar. All that mattered to Lily though was that it had four chairs. Gratefully, as she hadn’t relished the prospect of standing for three hours straight, she sank into one of the chairs.

How the Marauders dealt with the chair shortage was probably a great shorthand for their personalities. Without a second thought, James plopped onto the chair next to Lily – entitled, confident. Sirius took one of the seats and then encouraged Marlene to perch on his lap, looking entirely self-satisfied with his solution. Like a gentleman, Remus pulled out the remaining chair for Dahlia and then stood beside her.

Dahlia was the clear winner of the three girls.

Even though they shared a table, it was too loud for any conversation amongst all of them. Lily could either talk to James or Marlene who had some rather unfortunate baggage in the form of Sirius Black. Plus, they started snogging pretty quickly, a sight Lily still wasn’t accustomed to when it came to Marlene. James never really had any competition for her attention.

“Hey, are you sure you’re alright from this afternoon?” James asked gently, hand settling on her knee. “Seeing a professor, anyone really, go like that must be intense.”

“It was fine. I mean, _I’m_ fine. I helped McGonagall sort out all the arrangements, so everything’s set.”

Thankfully, Binns had been a widower with no children so McGonagall had only to inform his slew of cousins, all of whom showed a respectable level of sorrow but hardly seemed bereaved. It was, from an organizational standpoint, unfortunate he had died on a Friday as it meant they’d have to wait until the next weekend to hold a service as there was no time to put something together in two days. Lily had offered to help prepare the invitations tomorrow, so the only thing left to do was find a replacement history professor, and that was one responsibility that rested entirely with the Headmaster. Everything was neatly sorted.

“Sure, but you’re not upset?” James said.

“Like I said, everything’s taken care of,” Lily repeated, confused as to why James was staring at her face quizzically. She didn’t follow why James assumed she was so devastated. Last she checked, her eyes weren’t puffy from crying and she was hardly walking around moping.

James’ face lit up in realization. “Binns isn’t the first person you’ve seen die. That thestral prank! There’s no way you could have pulled that off unless you could already see them.”

Lily’s stomach squirmed as she realized that a whole classful of students would now join her in the ability to spot a thestral. The ability was not something she wished upon anyone. Unless…

“Do you think if someone was looking down or say, out the window, the moment a person died they’d still be able to see the thestrals? What if they blinked the exact second the heart stopped? What then?” Lily wondered, suddenly caught up in the logistics.

“Don’t try to change the subject,” James warned.

“I wasn’t,” Lily protested, “Honestly, I don’t mind you knowing I say my Gran pass when I was young. Oh, and there was a car accident in front of my Dad and I once. I was pretty little, but the car flipped over and the passenger died. I’m not sure if I saw the person die though or just the body…”

James looked aghast. “You’ve seen two, no _three_ , people die? One violently before their time?”

“I’m not sure a car accident qualifies as violently, but yes…” Lily said. She realized this information was having a striking effect on James who seemed to believe she might fall into hysterics at any moment. Like, she hadn’t lived with these memories the entirety of their acquaintance and handled them just fine. “Haven’t you seen someone die before?”

“No!”

“Never? Not even a corpse?”

“Blimey, Lily, most people don’t come across a hundred dead and dying bodies a day,” James said.

“Don’t exaggerate. There hasn’t been nearly that many.”

Lily hardly enjoyed the experience of watching Professor Binn collapse and then rise up out of his body. She’d held herself together long enough to see to her responsibilities and then she’d locked herself in the loo for a cry. Fifteen minutes of that and then she’d been ready to move on. Callous or not, she didn’t know Professor Binns on a personal level. He wasn’t her favorite professor. Christ, he wasn’t even in the top five. And it wasn’t like she would never see the man again as his ghost was gliding about, business as usual.

While she held endless sympathy for his friends and family, forcing herself to be distraught would be gratuitous. A lie to force her emotions to the forefront of someone else’s tragedy.

She never would have pegged James as someone who became weird about death. It always seemed like James soared through stressful situations, never getting swept up in the dramas of life like the rest of them. Yet he was clearly affected by the revelation about her experiences.

“Are you alright?” Lily asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, I just…my greatest fear as a kid was inferi. I guess I’m naturally suspicious of dead bodies,” James said.

“That makes sense.”

“Fuck, I’m lying!” James said abruptly.

Lily gave him a look that clearly questioned his health. “You’re lying about once being afraid of inferi?”

“What? No, of course not. I’m terrified of inferi. They’re bewitched corpses that will tear you limb from limb. I just mean, that’s not why I’m so gone over Binns,” James said, managing to clarify next to nothing.

“”You don’t have to explain if you’re not ready,” Lily said gently, recognizing that whatever was on his mind was a struggle he might not be ready to divulge.

James shook his head, but then proceeded to moodily stare at the table for long enough that Lily thought he’d changed his mind. Finally, he took a fortifying gulp of his beer and sighed.

“My mum and dad are both old. Really old. My mum was actually a first year when Binns was a seventh. Both my parents remember the turn of the century. Hell, they could legally drink in 1899.”

Lily whistled. The few elderly neighbors she knew who had lived through 1899 were old – hunched in on themselves, hardly speaking. Old.

“But it’s different for wizards, right? I mean, look at Dumbledore,” Lily said hesitantly.

“Sure,” James said sounding suddenly bitter, “some wizards live to see 150, but that’s assuming you never get sick and you were the picture of health your whole life. My mum was ill a lot in her fifties, a bad, recurring bout of Walking Pixie Pneumonia. She’ll be lucky to see 110.”

“That’s still a long life, James. You can’t worry about the far future,” Lily said comfortingly.

“She’s 98,” James said shortly.

“Oh.” The word sounded hollow to her ears.

“Yeah, oh. Mum’s 98 and Dad’s 94. I’ll likely bury them both before I’m thirty.”

Lily didn’t begin to know what to say. Her gran had died when Lily was still too young to be expected to provide any solace to her mother. Petunia had been the one who held their mother’s hand at the funeral and curled up by her side when she cried in the middle of the night. Lily, hearing her mother’s sobs, had stayed in her room and given into her own silent tears, but she had never been expected to help. At seventeen, she was no longer a child though, and she needed to help somehow.

“I’m sorry, James. That must have been a terrible burden growing up,” Lily said. She wondered just when James would have realized that his parents were different than other children’s. That he was going to face the loss of his family far sooner than all of his peers.

“S’fine,” James said, even though it was clearly not. Even though it could never be fine.

Lily wanted to be nothing but concerned for James, the kind of selfless that could focus on his situation for hours at a time with a mind that never wandered, but she betrayed herself. Instead, her mind kept darting to the moment when her mother would one day die. It was the most horrifying scenario she could imagine, and she knew that no matter how far in the future the day lied, she would never be ready for it. She was pushing off the worst moment of her life, but with the surety of death, it was coming.

Reflecting on her own fears did little to help James though, and what she was currently doing, holding his hands and staring plaintively at the table was obviously doing little to improve his mood. She placed a firm kiss into the soft skin between his thumb and his forefinger. At the gesture, James smiled, tight but genuine, recognizing what she was trying to do.

“I’m glad you told me,” Lily said quietly, earning a nod from James though it did nothing to banish the faraway look in his eye.

As much as Lily appreciated that James had shared with her, she didn’t think he wanted to spend the rest of their date stewing on the prospect of loss. The James she knew would want to have fun. He would want to make ridiculous bets and laugh with his mates. If Lily could do one thing for him, it would be to give him that kind of fun again, to force him to forget about his parents at least for the night.

“How much do you want to bet me that I can’t drink a beer faster than you?” Lily asked lightly with a daring raise of her eyebrow.

“Umm, six million galleons.”

“How about we make it a knut?”

The left side of James’ mouth curled up. “Lily, are you challenging me to a drinking contest?”

“Go get me a beer and find out,” Lily ordered.

“I know what you’re trying to do,” James said, but then he ducked his head and ruffled his hair in a way that was almost shy and made her heart melt a little. “And I think you’re amazing for it.”

Right in front of everyone, James leaned in and pecked her on the cheek. In the short week they’d been “secretly” snogging they’d been caught out by: Dahlia, Remus, Dorcas, and Elise. They hadn’t exactly excelled at circumspection. Still, it was a new enough phenomena that everyone at the table stared covertly out of the corner of their eyes, trying to catch a peek and taking voyeuristic pleasure in what had taken so long to finally come. It brought smiles to the faces of everyone at the table.

As James jogged away, goofy and grinning, Lily smiled twice as brightly as them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have pt. 2. Check in next week for Part 3!
> 
> As always, thanks to everyone who takes the time to read and an even greater thank you for everyone who takes the time to review.


	33. Oct 21: Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Point of order, it’s Jilytober, so I’d like to write one or two (or more) oneshots to celebrate, but I kind of blew through all my good ideas back for Tropefest, so I’m looking for recommendations! If any of you would be so kind as to drop a prompt or idea in a review or PM, it would be much appreciated. Thanks!
> 
> Also, what I think a lot of you have been waiting for…this chapter is rated a strong M.

**Oct. 21, 1977**

There were nights that were so far removed from reality as to feel like a story. Nights where Lily stopped thinking of herself as an “I” and became a “she,” a character in a storybook who went on wondrous adventures, fell in love, came of age. There had been a long period after she first discovered she was a witch where she had detached like that, the thoughts in her head taking on narrative form: “She walked to the loo, careful to silence each step. The barest patter of footsteps, creak of a stairwell, would surely wake Tuney next door.” But magic had become mundane – essays and lazy Sundays and the shocking rush of cold when she accidentally walked through one of the school ghosts.

This – tonight –was different.

Under the electrifying influence of freedom and good company, impossibilities became improbabilities became reality. It was the kind of night where a proper Head Girl could engage in and lose a drinking contest, spilling beer along the collar of her turtleneck and hardly caring beyond casting a covert drying charm. The stain shrugged off by all. The kind of night where a once shy seventeen-year-old girl could snog the boy voted most fit in Hogwarts right on the dance floor and hardly care that everyone could see. The kind of night where Lily Evans would encourage a fellow prefect to get a tattoo of a rabbit on his foot, completely forgetting that she loathed tattoos for reasons of respectability.

The most unlikely event of the night happened out amongst the writhing, sweaty bodies on the dance floor. The masses of dancers pulsed like one organism, swelling and gyrating in time to the bass, all sense of individual identity lost. With their senses so dulled – or perhaps, more appropriately, oversaturated with noise, and need, and smell – Lily forgot how much she loathed Sirius Black.

Not long after her failed attempt at chugging an entire pint in fifteen seconds, Lily had dragged Marlene out onto the dance floor. They’d soon lost themselves to the intimacy that came along with dancing beside another person. James had joined them too, a comforting presence near her back, a dancing guard dog of sorts whose very presence succeeded in warding off any men that might have tried to dance alongside them. As much as Lily enjoyed talking to James and kissing James and engaging in any manner of activities with James, dancing was decidedly not on that list. She knew from the time they danced by the Black Lake that James could meld against her and grind well enough, but tonight was about whipping her hair back and forth so hard that the bobby pins fell to the floor, floating away on a sea of spilled drinks, and twirling Marlene until the girl couldn’t stand straight with crossed eyes and open-mouthed laughter.

It was then, out on the dance floor, that Sirius shone because he _could_ dance. Lily would have pegged Sirius as the type of boy who danced with purpose, all slinky hip thrusts and come-hither eyes, everything carefully designed to allure and attract. Dancing alongside him, she learned her assumptions were completely off base. He was artless – dancing for the sake of dancing, moved by his passion for the music. Misunderstandings couldn’t survive that kind of sincerity and for a time the two Gryffindors forgot their varied reasons for disliking each other, dancing and laughing the off-key giggles of the adrenaline-high.

When the band finished their set, they all stumbled out the back door by mutual agreement. It was like breaking the surface of the water after holding your breath in the bath tub. Just by stepping out the door, they walked into a whole new world, one where you could focus on your thoughts, remember your last name. The crisp night air flattened their sweat-soaked clothes to their skin and provided them with a much begrudged burst of clarity. As cold as it was, Lily hardly noticed the goosebumps raised on her thighs, protected by the aftereffects of dancing and liquor. Every bit as effective as well-cast warming charm.

Although the alley was narrow, they weren’t the only people who’d taken refuge there for the interim, so their group cozied up near the dumpsters to put some space between themselves and the other patrons. Lily eyed the dumpster suspiciously. It didn’t smell, but it had the look of the kind of alley they showed on the telly: shows where young girls were jumped by mask-wearing muggers and there were always rats scuttling about. Lily was far less worried about the prospect of the muggers.

They’d been outside for all of three minutes when Remus pulled a ciggy out of his pocket. Only, it didn’t look like any cigarette Lily had ever seen, and the smell that it omitted – tangy and strong enough to burn the fine hairs of her nostrils – was all wrong too. While Lily may have had her maths education abruptly interrupted by her enrollment at Hogwarts, she still knew two plus two equaled four. She had to hold a hand to her mouth to stifle a scream.

“ _What are you doing_? We’re in public! Oh my – people can see you!”

Not looking the least bit bothered, Remus turned to look pointedly at the other occupants of the alley. One looked like he might pass out any second and the other three seemed caught up in their own smoke break, albeit of the legal sort. None of them looked like the types to be particularly bothered by recreational marijuana.

The sense of potential that had overtaken her in the club was abruptly smothered. She still felt giddy, but she was intensely aware of the consequences of drugs, and it prevented her from enjoying the moment.

“They could be undercovers for all you know!” Lily hissed. “Do you want to go to prison?”

Remus took one long hit from his joint before coughing out a simple, “James.”

Immediately, James slipped an arm around her shoulders and dragged her to his side. The way he kept his arms firmly anchored around her, it seemed like he was prepared to physically restrain her, which was perfectly ridiculous. It wasn’t like she was going to lunge forward and rip the joint out of Remus’s hands. The thought _may_ have occurred to her, but she refused to so much as touch the wretched thing. She’d always heard possession was nine-tenths of the law, and while she was pretty sure that saying applied more to property disputes, she wasn’t taking any chances. When one of the undercovers inevitably busted them, Lily would serve only a tenth of the sentence, and boy oh boy would Remus be sorry he had asked James to restrain her then.

“Maybe Lily’s right,” Dahlia said a little hesitantly before adding, “Unless, does your knee hurt? That was a lot of dancing.”

“It’s nothing,” Remus said shortly, as unwilling to discuss his injury now as he’d been back on the Knight Bus.

Sirius was less concerned, plucking the joint from Remus’s fingers and waving it alarmingly close to Lily’s face. She would have taken a hundred steps back if James hadn’t been holding her steady.

“See this? This is medication, Evans,” Sirius lectured, all good humor at her horrified expression. “You don’t want our Moony to suffer, do you?”

He followed his impossible question up with a long, challenging hit of his own. Lily was reminded why she’d always disliked him.

“You’re not planning to smoke that poison are you?” Lily asked James.

He shook his head so hard he nearly dislodged his glasses. “No way! I, uh, want to be wide awake all night.”

“Translation: if he was planning to, he sure won’t now that he knows it’ll jeopardize his good night snog,” Sirius stage-whispered, setting Remus off into a round of laughter that seemed far more boisterous than the joke deserved.

Lily would have liked to argue, but she figured Sirius had probably nailed James’ motives there. She decided not to mind. If she had to use her feminine wiles to keep James clean and in good-standing, well, it was for a worthy cause. She’d just have to sort out how to make use of said wiles because they were still pretty new to her.

“Can you even believe the number of stars in the sky?” Remus breathed out, eyes round as sickles and cast upwards. “I can spot Andromeda.”

“Ah, yes, my favorite,” Sirius said.

Evidence that drugs make people mad, Remus and Sirius laughed like this was in any way funny. Inexplicably, James chuckled too though, so Lily had to wonder if maybe she was just missing something.

As James stared up at the sky, Lily became distracted by the column of his throat, extended and tipped back exposing the generous swell of his adam’s apple. Hard to see in the light, she could just make out the discoloration of several bruises, bruises she had savagely sucked into his skin. In their way, they almost resembled a constellation – a miniature night sky captured in the smooth expanse of his throat.

Lily was broken out of her musings to catch the tail-end of something Sirius was telling Marlene. “ – would offer, but I’m pretty sure Evans would unman me.”

“I would do worse than that,” Lily said darkly, suspecting they had returned to the subject of drugs.

Darling, easy to lead Marlene was the walking poster child for peer-pressure. If her boyfriend – the boy she had admired for years as the epitome of the magical world, written articles about, heralding everything from the way he styled his hair to the way he held a wand – passed her a grenade, she would gladly accept it. The last thing she needed was him offering up drugs.

“Don’t pressure her,” Lily ordered seriously.

For once, Sirius didn’t look annoyed with her but rather startled. He cast a quizzical look towards Marlene who, while already being Gryffindor red from the few drinks in her system, had somehow managed to surpass even that.

“You do realize I don’t give a fuck if you don’t want to try any,” Sirius said slowly. “It doesn’t matter either way. I’m not going to be upset with you.”

It was probably the sweetest thing Lily had ever heard coming from Sirius’s mouth (excluding when he spoke to James because those proclamations always bordered on the romantic). Watching as they sorted themselves out seemed too personal, so Lily, flustered, turned her attention back to the others even if it meant she’d have to face Remus who was still carelessly puffing away.

“So, Remus always has the best stories from patrols,” Dahlia said cheerfully, maybe feeling a little responsible for the conflict her boyfriend had inadvertently caused. “The people he’s caught up in the Astronomy Tower are unbelievable. I imagine you two must see a lot of that too.”

“Fuck, I can’t even remember the last time we did patrols. It feels like a lifetime, doesn’t it?”

Lily agreed, and not only because the last time they’d patrolled together had been back in the first week of September. They were completely different now. Back before the bet when the prospect of them hanging out at a muggle club in London would have been absurd, James hadn’t been the most active participants during their rounds – moodily following three steps behind her and offering nothing but wisecracks to the offenders she rooted out. In the coming week, when they were once more scheduled for rounds, Lily imagined everything would be completely different. _They_ were completely different.

“So you don’t have any good gossip?” Dahlia asked, disappointed.

Leaning forward conspiratorially, James said, “Well, I have heard this wild rumor about the Head Boy and Girl, but it’s bollocks if you ask me. She’s way too good for him.”

“Mmm, true,” Lily hummed. “But they say she’s also a very charitable person. Maybe she’s willing to overlook his inferiority.”

“Ah, so she’s seeing him out of pity?” James asked pleasantly.

“It’s the only explanation that makes sense,” Lily said, to which James lightly pinched her side, making warmth at their easy banter bloom in her chest.

“Ugh, I always knew you two would be cute together,” Dahlia said. “Speaking of new couples –” Lily had to bite her tongue to prevent herself from correcting Dahlia about how she and James weren’t _really_ a couple. “– last week Remus caught Gaius Flint and Adrian Jones snogging in the abandoned Charms classroom on the third floor.”

At this bit of gossip, Marlene managed to extract herself from whatever sappy conversation she was having with Sirius and materialized at Lily’s side. She placed a comforting hand on Lily’s arm, like Lily might faint at the news. Bewildered, Lily glanced around at the others to see if they had any idea what had come over Marlene, but they all looked equally at a loss.

“Are you sure?” Marlene demanded urgently. At Dahlia’s nod, Marlene sighed, “Oh, Lily.”

“Why is this an ‘Oh, Lily’ moment?” Lily asked.

“I know you have James now, but still, it’s so embarrassing. You went on a date with a gay boy.”

Against her shoulder, Lily could feel James shake with silent laughter.

“Well, actually, Adrian’s bisexual,” Lily said.

She felt undeniably worldly at the revelation that only a week ago she’d gone on a date with someone bisexual. Not only that, but one of her best friends was a lesbian. None of the others could say that. Well, Lily supposed she didn’t know anything about the sexualities of Dahlia’s friends, and _technically_ , Mary was Marlene’s friend too, but Marlene didn’t even know Mary was a lesbian, so it didn’t count.

“What does that even mean?” Marlene asked, managing to sound utterly unconvinced without being mean.

“Well bi is the latin root for two, so ita ex hoc non concluditur bisexual means attracted to two genders,” Remus said a little patronizingly.

“But,” and here Marlene looked imploringly at Lily, like she would understand the dilemma Marlene was having with making rational sense of other people’s sexualities. “You can’t just be attracted to both. It’s one or the other. How would it even work?”

“Well, it’s like you’re attracted to Sirius, right?” Dahlia said helpfully. “Now just imagine you also feel the same way about Shelia.”

“That doesn’t…but all girls are attracted to other girls. What makes you gay is when you’re not interested in boys, so what does bisexual even mean? Like, we’d all be bisexual,” Marlene rambled.

By the end of her explanation Lily’s eyebrows had just about disappeared into her hairline, and everyone else seemed equally bemused. Still, Lily didn’t want to say anything to disagree with Marlene because it wasn’t like Lily had a particularly better understanding of how these things worked. Her parents had never sat her down and explained the intricacies of human sexuality, and Madame Pomfrey wasn’t giving out sex ed lectures. She had no clue herself. All Lily could say with certainty was that she wasn’t walking around attracted to Shelia.

“I don’t…think I’m attracted to other girls,” Lily said a bit slowly.

Marlene rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. You can’t tell me you don’t look at Celia Vance and think she’s beautiful.”

Here, Dahlia started to nod eagerly, happy to have discovered the root of Marlene’s confusion. “I think Marlene’s just commenting on how girls are able to easily recognize other girls’ beauty, while guys have trouble with it. You know? Like, we can notice when another girl’s hot.”

“Oh, sure, yeah that makes sense,” Lily agreed. “But that’s not attraction, Marls. I don’t look at Celia Vance and feel the same way as when I look at –” Lily trailed off because she would have never again been able to face the bespectacled boy beside her if she’d said the name that automatically came to mind.

“No, I mean more than just knowing a girl is pretty. You know what I mean,” Marlene insisted. “Like, when a girl wears her hair down and you can’t stop staring at it because you can’t stop thinking about how soft it would be if you ran your fingers through it. But it’s not any better when a girl wears her hair up because then you can see her neck all day, and it’s just so lovely. And girls’ skin!”

And Marlene had officially lost her. Lily had never in her life sat in class staring at another girl’s neck, and if she noticed a girl’s hair looked soft it was only in passing, a quick musing about the girl’s shampoo brand. What Marlene was describing…well, it sounded an awful lot like the way a girl would stare at the boy she fancied, which, to be fair, seemed to be Marlene’s point.

“You sound like Erin Bauman,” James said.

“Thank you! See, Erin Bauman knows what I’m talking about,” Marlene announced triumphantly, gesturing at James like he’d just proven her point.

“Erin Bauman is a lesbian,” James said.

“Stop! You know what I mean!” Marlene wailed.

Even though it was obvious Marlene was entirely on her own, Lily stepped up to comfort her before she became too upset. Between Lily’s soothing promises that she did understand and Sirius’s teasing that he wouldn’t care if she was attracted to girls too, they managed to calm Marlene down. Most impressively of all, they managed to do it all without a single crack from the boys about girls being hot together.

The subject might have continued indefinitely because Marlene was showing no signs of being bored defending her theory on bisexuality, but the band’s third set started. Through the brick walls of the club, they could hear the heavy bass of the music pick back up and the ensuing cheers from the crowd. The walls practically vibrated from it. Looking jubilant, Sirius began to drag them all back inside, talking about how this was the song that defined the band, two chords in and you could already tell this band was real. Hogwash essentially.

All the same, Lily would have followed the group back into the club if James’ arms hadn’t locked her in place.

“We’ll catch up!” James called to his friends.

“No hurry. There aren’t any prefect meetings to interrupt this time,” Remus said with a devious wag of his eyebrows – evidence that Sirius’s smarm (which the bloke in question chose to demonstrate with a cheeky wink) was contagious.

It was awfully presumptions of them to assume that just because she and James were alone they were going to fall all over each other like snog-starved fiends. Lily was surprised it didn’t bother her more. She’d never been prudish – perfectly capable of letting her hair down and able to name several gorgeous boys who could attest to this fact – but she’d also always tried to cultivate a reputation that didn’t allow for knowing eyebrow wiggles and saucy winks. To everyone but her closest friends, she’d always strove to appear perfect, the kind of perfect that didn’t invite teasing. Somewhere along the line, without her knowing, she’d begun to thaw, and she couldn’t summon up the appropriate outrage.

Free to talk candidly now that they were alone, Lily couldn’t resist pointing out something that had been on her mind all night. “You’re a lot quieter than I thought you’d be.”

“Me?” Leant casually against the wall behind the door with a puzzled smirk on his face, James couldn’t have looked more disbelieving. (Or, you know, sexy).

“Yeah, I mean, you’ve talked plenty when it’s just the two of us, but when we’re all in a group, like we were just now, you’ve been quiet,” Lily said.

“I think the other passengers of the Knight Bus would disagree.”

Lily shook her head. True, James had been characteristically boisterous when they were playing Wizards, but since then she was positive he’d had less to say. Marlene and Sirius had dominated the conversation with features by Lily and Remus. James had been a near silent presence by her side.

“No, you’re usually louder. Like when we all served detention in the Trophy Room, you couldn’t shut up for ten seconds, and, Lord knows, our professors would agree that you never stop talking around your mates,” Lily said.

James shrugged. “I see them all the time. We all brought dates for a reason?”

“Because you’re seventeen and horny?”

“Maybe I’m quiet because I still can’t believe you said yes,” James said candidly, succeeding in shutting Lily up as effectively as if he’d reached out and clamped her lips between his thumb and pointer finger.

“Why would that be surprising?” Lily asked cagily, rubbing at her arms as if suddenly freezing.

“Lily,” James said sternly. They both knew exactly why such a thing would be surprising.

“Maybe I just like to make a bloke work for it,” Lily said, trying to tease when all she wanted to do was trap him in a hug and squeeze until he stopped questioning for a second that she might have said no.

Because it bothered her more than she could ever admit that he had wondered if she might turn him down.  In a reversal of gender roles the likes of which Lily had never heard of, James was questioning whether Lily viewed him as good for nothing but a snog, which was absurd. Lily didn’t make a habit of snogging boys that she didn’t fancy at least a little as she was nowhere near that sex-starved. Even back at the Black Lake when they’d shared their first kiss, Lily had already begun to like James, even as she refused to entertain the notion to herself.

What to say to fix things, to make it clear to him that she valued him as so much more, was unclear. Lily, despite having had a week to adjust to fancying James, had no idea just yet what she planned to do with him. Lily knew that she wanted to date, and more specifically that she wanted to date James, but a boyfriend seemed like a serious commitment. With certainty, Lily knew that if she dated James, he would be her last boyfriend at Hogwarts. Whether they dated for six months or six weeks, she wouldn’t move on before the year was over. James just wasn’t the type of boy that was easy to forget.

And all of this before she even touched on her fear about being controlled or the fact that she had no idea whether James was looking for anything serious. In fact, if she looked critically at his dating history, the evidence rather suggested that James was allergic to commitment, blowing through a series of girlfriends without the slightest sign of wear and tear on his heart. Lily was vain enough to think that she was different, but just how different was hard to say.

Lily remembered her decision that had started all of this: to do what felt natural. It had worked for her thus far, and she saw no reason to change strategies now.

“I like spending time with you,” Lily said honestly. “I was really excited to come tonight.”

James gave her the smirk that used to drive her half-mad – arrogant and self-satisfied. Only now she could see the actual emotion behind it, the genuine good humor, the self-deprecation just below the surface.

“Ahh, I see. So this was one prolonged game of hard-to-get. You amaze me, Evans. Whoever said you weren’t persistent was off their rocker.”

Lily considered letting him know that she was nowhere near “gotten” but she decided to let this one go. He could win for once. Once, being the key there.

“Yes, yes. You’re wonderful.”

James beamed. “Why thank you. And now that I have you on this our first date, how are you liking it? Are you going to crawl in bed tonight and have a cry about all the good times you’ve been missing out on? Are you going to write in your diary about how I swept you off your feet and showed you the best time of your life?”

“It’s been alright.”

James blinked in mock-offense at her casual dismissal. “Alright? There has been nothing alright about tonight. Epic, extraordinary, brilliant, all appropriate adjectives. Alright has no place in your vocabulary right now.

“You’re so dramatic,” Lily muttered, but then she fixed him with her primmest expression. “Of course, I’m disappointed. When we were fourteen, you said you’d take me on a date in a horse-drawn carriage. What happened to my fairytale princess date, James? I grow up a little and you take me to a dirty alley. I want a snow-white horse, dammnit!”

“That’s not fair!” James protested. “I promised you the horse for Valentine’s Day. I don’t just go breaking that kind of move out in the middle of October. Give me some time, and we’ll get there.”

“Good because I deserve to be pampered like a princess,” Lily said.

“I’ve never met a girl who deserved it more,” James agreed, but then his expression grew sly. “But you have to admit this has been a damn good date. Better than some stupid drinks in Hogsmeade. You’re having the time of your life.”

“The band sucks, and I hate this club,” Lily told him frankly, arms crossed and not giving a centimeter.

“I know,” James said. “But you’re having fun anyways.”

She could have teased him, made him work for it, but the reality – that she was having a wonderful night – was written starkly across her face. She couldn’t begin to form the petulant pout she wanted, something small and genuine escaping in its place. Despite James’ wonder at her having ever agreed to go out with him, he was clearly confident now. The way he eyed her was a lot less sentimental and verging towards the lecherous. For all his talk, he was pretty positive the night was going to end well for him.

(Lily was pretty certain he was right.)

“Did I tell you that you look pretty tonight?” James asked.

“I – I can’t remember.”

Lily was suddenly finding it difficult to focus. It was his t-shirt. James must have bought it a few years ago before he’d really filled out. Lily couldn’t picture how much effort it must have taken to weld his (she imagined) masterfully sculpted body into that shirt. The way the fabric strained against his shoulders was every bit as criminal as a few teenagers smoking a joint.

It wasn’t the kind of sight that encouraged fantasies of feverish snogging either. _That_ was not a shirt that could be blindly torn from a boy’s body in a desperate bid to access more skin. No, that was a shirt that necessitated effort. She’d need to work it up, baring his chest bit by scintillating bit – a labor of patience that would fuel her desire.

“Well, you do look beautiful,” James said, succeeding in interrupting her ogling. “And sexy. Have I said sexy?”

“James,” Lily said, aiming for stern and entirely missing the mark with the way her voice shook. “We’re in public.”

Pointedly, James looked around their surroundings. At some point while Lily wasn’t paying attention, everyone else had gone inside. They were completely alone. It was still public as far as Lily was concerned. Anyone could walk outside at any moment, and yet…the argument that they needed to maintain decorum because the walls were watching didn’t seem to be a good enough reason. Not when James was in that shirt, and she hadn’t kissed him for several hours.

James bridged the distance between them to nip teasingly at her ear. She braced her hands on his arms and closed her eyes. She wanted to whine in approval when he snagged the lower lobe of her ear in his teeth and tugged. Public decency was evidently a concept James had never met.

“You’re always sexy, but that skirt is just cruel. I thought you were trying to kill me when you came down tonight,” James murmured in her ear.

Daring to edge a little bit closer, Lily had to fight back a sigh as her chest brushed against his. Even through several layers of separating fabric, the friction was still sigh-inducing.

The best thing about snogging James was that none of it felt new. Lily had come to this conclusion earlier that afternoon when she’d tried to bribe James into giving her some hint about the destination of their date by dragging him into a broom cupboard. It hadn’t worked, but it had spurred this revelation, and she was reminded of it now.

Their snogging was hardly old hat: it was fresh and exciting and unpredictable in the same way a tropical storm could unexpectedly pick up speed and build out of control into a hurricane. It wasn’t boring. There was, however, none of the tentative exploration of the new either. Nibbling on her ear, James knew exactly the right amount of pressure to exert, knew where along the shell of her ear it stopped being ticklish. All of this could be chalked up to experience, of course, but Lily thought it might be more. They’d circled around each other for so long that they’d developed an intuitive sense for predicting how the other would react to the unexpected. Couple that with James being an attentive bloke and it made for a pretty volatile situation.

“If you like the skirt so much, maybe I should wear it to class. Update the uniform a bit,” Lily suggested huskily.

James groaned, tipping his head back and giving Lily access to leave her own teasing kisses along the hairless column of his throat. “That would be one way to win our bet. Dirty, dirty sabotage. I’d never be able to focus in class again.”

“Good,” Lily said briefly between kisses. “I like you disoriented.”

Everything about the way they were situated appealed to Lily. Now that it was emptied out of potential gawkers, the alley leant an air of gritty darkness that made her kisses more urgent. The cool air was a brushing against her feverish skin. Best of all was James. In the romance novels Marlene fancied, the heroine was always saved from her buckling knees by the wall supporting her back. While Lily had no doubt that James could reduce her to such a state, she wanted to do the same to him. Having James trapped between the wall and her body, at her mercy, was a dream she’d never known she had.

When she met his mouth for a desperate kiss, she thought she was already halfway there. James pulled her so that she was not closer – the distance between them had already been so negligible as to require a microscope to find – but tighter. Lily allowed it but she was nowhere near ready to surrender control, so she cupped his cheek and took over the kiss. Several fraught minutes later, when Lily pulled back for the first time, James was foggy-eyed and she’d transferred enough of her lipstick to dye his mouth burgundy. The sight only made her want to lick it off.

“Want to know what I thought when I first saw you in that skirt?” James asked huskily. It wasn’t a real question, which was fortunate because Lily was having trouble thinking clearly with the way James’ hands were smoothing up and down her sides. “First, all I could think about were your legs. Nothing new since I’ve been staring at them in your school skirt for years, but it’s amazing what a difference a few centimeters can make.”

Here, he paused to nip along her chin and snog her once more. Lily considered trying to distract him, snog him until he forgot how to form words because his talking was clearly a power move. Lily had him on the ropes, or more literally the wall. If he continued murmuring in her ear about how much he wanted her though, she could quickly find their positions reversed. It was the fact that Lily wasn’t sure how much she’d mind the reversal that discouraged her from taking action. Mentally, she argued that it was too cold. James’ hot breath against her ear may make her shudder, but it was an entirely different kind of shiver, and one that was entirely welcome.

“Second, all I could think about was what you’re wearing under that skirt,” James continued and her thighs clamped together involuntarily at his daring. “You dressed up so pretty for me. All I could think about was whether you dressed up everywhere.”

“It wasn’t for you. I dressed up for Marlene,” Lily lied, ignoring the real question about her knickers, which, incidentally, had been chosen with a little more care than was usual although she hadn’t gone into the night with any certainty on whether James would get to see them.

“You should dress up for Marlene more often,” James said undeterred.

She carded her fingers through his hair, encouraging him to lave her neck with kisses. The wet glide of his tongue along her sensitive skin, followed by exposure to the night air had her clinging to him.

“Third, since I was already on the subject of what’s under your skirt, I couldn’t help but wonder, are you wet for me? All this time, one the bus, at the bar, back in the Trophy Room, I haven’t been able to stop wondering.”

Logistics of just why Lily would have been wet all this time aside, his admission was undeniably sexy. At his words, she dug her nails into his arms, almost in retaliation for reducing her to a whimpering mess. It did awful things to her stomach to think about how all this time, when they’d been with their friends, James’ mind had kept drifting to between her legs. What would have once been disgusting was now empowering, and she loved it.

Had she not been so turned on, Lily would have probably given him a hard time for it. Clearly a little discussion about the female anatomy was necessary, but she kind of liked maintaining that mystery. A little trick in her arsenal to keep him wondering.

Recovering somewhat, Lily peered up at him and said, “Maybe you should check. Just to confirm.”

“Fucking, buggering shit, Evans,” James groaned and his head made a solid thump as he collapsed backwards against the wall.

In their power struggle, Lily could officially declare victory, the pleasure of the win zipping through her hot and fast. Overcome, James merely followed as she kissed him ravenously. One of his hands fisted in her hair to keep her head in place but the other began to creep steadily towards its goal. He took a long time, sliding his hands along the front of her skirt and lightly scratching along her inner thighs. When he finally edged up enough so that this palm grazed her covered core, they both groaned.

Quickly, James spun them around so it was now Lily pressed against the wall. Lily didn’t begrudge him the shift as certain activities would be easier if she could angle her hips up, utilizing the leverage the wall provided to do so. What she did mind was that, staring awestruck at the image of his hand half-hidden beneath her skirt, James was no longer kissing her. With an angry noise, Lily yanked his head back into place and their kissing resumed.

James was very careful, almost too much so as he started to explore between her legs. With pleasure building steadily in her stomach, Lily was in no danger of bolting, so his hesitance was unnecessary. Hoping James would get the message, she canted her hips toward him, a silent demand for more, and bit at his lower lip.

The hand that had been skimming feather-light over the front of her knickers pressed inward, mashing against the side of her clit and making her keen. James trailed down, drifting low enough to reach the curve of her ass and then back into place, exerting the same pressure as before when he neared the top. Lily helpfully circled her hips a few times to help him zero in on the perfect spot to rub and press, and the knee-buckling Marlene so often read about happened as he took to drawing insistent circles just there.

There wasn’t much room between them to maneuver, but Lily managed to slip a hand around his flexing arm to lay against the bulge in his jeans. At the unexpected touch, James gasped and reared back to look down between them. In doing so, he jerked his hand to the right and accidentally nudged her knickers to the side. Now two of his fingers were resting on her bare mound.

James stared down at her hungrily. Intentional and exaggerated, Lily slowly licked her lips. His eyes followed the motion before returning to hers. Eyes locked together, James very deliberately slid his fingers inward to swipe up her slit without the barrier her knickers had previously provided.

“Just out of curiosity, very...scientific curiosity –” her breath hitched – “what have you discovered?”

As intense as the moment felt, James’ grin was genuine. “I’ve got, it turns out, a pretty accurate imagination.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” James hummed, and then his forefinger disappeared inside her. “Very fucking wet.”

The only way Lily could stop herself from bursting into tears of pleasure on the spot was to busy herself with him. So Lily (partially) ignored the thick finger that was slowly drifting in and out of her confirmed-wet pussy, by setting to work on James’ jeans. Once open, she skated her fingers along the length of him a few times, not making any immediate move to pull him out of his boxers. She enjoyed the way his finger twitched inside her whenever she ghosted close to the tip.

Her tease soon wasn’t distracting enough as James worked on fitting a second finger inside her. He tilted his hand so that his palm would rest solidly against her and each thrust of his fingers would create delicious pressure along her clit.

Faced with such a pleasurable assault, Lily had no choice but to unbutton his boxers and release him. It was difficult to see much as his arm blocked her view and the stars only provided so much in the way of light, but Lily didn’t mind as there wasn’t much aesthetically pleasing about cocks in the first place. All she needed to know she could feel as she gripped him in her fist – smooth, thick, curved a little up and to the left.

Slowly, she began to jerk him off. Her hand was dry so her slide wasn’t frictionless, but she enjoyed it all the same. Enjoyed that she was literally holding James in the palm of her hand, an act that required trust. For a terrible second, James’ fingers slid out of her, but only so that he could give his cock two quick pumps of his own. Then, he returned to rubbing her clit. Fisting his cock once more, Lily realized that it was sticky with her wetness, his motive all along. She nearly crumbled. Her cum was now wetting James’ cock as if it had just slid out of her, assisting as she started to work him more quickly.

They kissed lightly, too distracted to achieve any degree of finesse but enjoying the intimacy all the same. Having her mouth otherwise occupied also served a practical purpose as Lily was able to partially smother the moans that threatened to bring club security down upon them. Yes, the music inside would likely drown them out, but Lily knew from past experience that she wasn’t exactly quiet. With James as her partner, she thought she might make past Lily look mute in comparison.

Shuddering and groaning all the while, James came first. In the moment before, he shifted to the side so that he’d come on the wall instead of her stomach without ever slowing his fingers. In fact, his fingers sped up quite a bit as he came, moving with enough force that wetness began to leak out from around them and stain her thighs. His thumb moving rapidly against her clit was enough to send her into her own orgasm. She worried her lip between her teeth just short of drawing blood as she tried to anchor herself against the feeling of spasming around James’ fingers.

Putting themselves to rights afterwards, Lily had never been more thankful for magic– no need to worry about sloppy cleanups or hygiene. They both cast quick Evanescos at the mess they’d made before Lily slumped heavily against James’ chest. Her knickers were crooked but they were on and after the fingering she’d just withstood, it was really more than anyone could ask for her to fix them.

They stayed outside like that for a long time. Curled up together and occasionally kissing lazily. If it weren’t so cold, Lily probably would have fallen asleep pressed to his chest. She was drained emotionally and physically.

She was also happy.

Lily hadn’t realized she’d said this out loud until James kissed her hair and told her he was glad. Judging by the way his eyes were shining behind his glasses, Lily thought he was happy too.

Feeling more than a little drunk, though more on the night than on any alcohol, the two stumbled their way back into the club. They’d been outside so long that the band was starting to wrap up. For another few hours at least the club would remain open, but they’d shift to a radio and conversation, the band joining the party.

As they approached their friends, it quickly became clear that Sirius and Remus were engaged in something of a heated argument, their girlfriends only egging it on. For a moment, concern washed over her, erasing the high she’d been on. Lily had never seen any of the Marauders fight with one another before. Lily assumed it was the kind of earth-shattering event that was sure to bring their night effectively to a close. To her right, however, James didn’t look the least bit wary, so Lily decided to withhold judgment until she had a better idea of what was happening.

“Bollocks! There’s no way with your skinny arse,” Sirius said heatedly, pointing an accusing finger in Remus’s direction.

“For the _hundredth_ time, it’s not about weight, it’s about strength. There’s no way you’d be faster with Marlene on your back,” Remus said just as angrily.

Marlene reared back, face bright red with passion. “Are you calling me _fat_?”

“Yeah, are you calling my girlfriend fat, Moony? Hmm? You’ve got some nerve, that’s all I can say. Some nerve,” Sirius said,

The two – Marlene and Sirius – shook their heads in unison, matching sets of silky, black hair and mocking frowns of condemnation. Closer now, Lily could see that none of them looked angry exactly. Remus looked the kind of frustrated where he might tear his hair out any minute, but the others seemed to be having fun. Lily was suddenly certain that this – Sirius picking a fight just to rile up Remus who couldn’t back down – was a regular occurrence up in the boys’ dormitories. There was no way Sirius could resist such an easy target, and it would explain why James didn’t look all that interested at their bickering.

“Sounds to me like you need an impartial judge,” James said, stepping in eagerly. Based on the manic look in his eyes, Lily was willing to bet that any ruling by James would be far from impartial. “What’s this all about?”

“Remus here thinks he could outrun me in a race,” Sirius said.

“What’s that got to do with Marlene being fat?” Lily asked.

“A race with the girls on our backs,” Remus clarified. “And I think it because I _could_ , you stubborn git.”

James ruminated on their dilemma long and hard. He asked a few clarifying questions – distance (100 meters), how they’d carry the girls (piggy-back style), what had the girls eaten that day (they refused to answer). To Lily’s surprise, Sirius and Remus stopped arguing completely, more than happy to accept James’ interference. As if he couldn’t help it, Sirius still poked at Remus a few times during the wait and Remus sent Sirius glares that would make Medusa wither, but they held it together. They seemed to seriously value James’ opinion, which was weird because if this was an argument between Shelia and Lily, their roommates’ vote would be entirely unwanted.

“Having considered this from every angle, I want to emphasize two things. First, Remus, mate, you’re on the scrawny side so we have to consider how cumbersome Dahlia would be. She’d limit your range of motion, but Sirius manages to barely move for months at a time, so there’s no denying he’s the weaker of you two. All of this considered, I’ve decided –” everyone leaned in to hang on James’ every word – “that I’d win. For sure, I’d kick both your arses.”

Groans rang loud as everyone slumped in defeat. The argument was far from over.

“That’s not what this is about,” Remus said bitterly.

“You disagree? You think you could beat me, Moony?” James baited his friend, looking like he was having the time of his life even as Remus’s ears turned pink.

“Of course not. Everyone here knows that you’re in the best shape,” Remus said, rubbing at his temples.

“Who knows that?” Sirius demanded. “I could take on Prongs too.”

It was fast occurring to Lily that Sirius had traveled well past the town of tipsy and ended up smack dab in the middle of the province of belligerent drunks, of which Marlene was the mayor.

“Please, Lily weighs like ten kilograms tops, it’ll be like racing with a small dog attached to your back,” Remus argued.

Lily gasped so loudly that everyone stopped talking to look at her. In her most horrified voice she asked, “Did you just call Marlene a big, fact pig?”

At her indignant question, Marlene launched into a very loud tirade about the gall of some people and that she was every bit as deserving of love even if she had some fat on her arms. Her rant was loud enough that Dahlia’s fervent attempts to convince Marlene that Remus had meant nothing of the sort went completely unheeded. Remus gave Lily a very dirty look as he suffered under the onslaught, but she hardly cared, high-fiving James beside her and watching the destruction she’d caused with satisfaction.

They were outside – all with something to prove – five minutes later.

There was some argument (no surprise) about just where the race should occur. James felt rather strongly that they should have some space to lessen the chances that one of his mates would come careening into him in a blatant effort at sabotage, but the only location that would provide that was the middle of the street and Lily put her foot down rather firmly at that. None of the purebloods seemed to understand the level of damage a car could inflict, and no, drivers would not be expecting a gang of teenagers to be racing down the center of the street at one a.m. They settled for the alley that led to the club, waiting a minute for the patrons that were walking home to clear out and leave behind an empty swath of space.

For how much passion they had put into their argument about who was the best, none of them put on a particularly impressive show. No one could deny that James was athletic and gifted at Quidditch, but that ability didn’t translate to speed on the ground, especially not after a few beers. Gifted with the kind of grace that didn’t disappear in the wake of alcohol consumption, Sirius didn’t have any issue staying on his feet but his mates hadn’t been exaggerating when they said he was out of shape as he never worked out. Strong and fast, Remus could have won it, except he was skinny and Dahlia was tall for a girl and it threw him off balance.

They all took off, the girls clinging to their backs like monkeys, amidst much shouting and grunting about who was the best. James had been right in his prediction that the narrow alleyway was going to prove too great a temptation, though Lily was taken aback when it was James himself who started the dirty tactics, ramming into Remus’s side and sending him bumping into the wall. With Dahlia dangling off his back, it took him a moment to right himself. Squealing loudly at the unexpected collision, Lily dug claw like fingers into his shoulders to hang on, although, James’ grasp on her legs was reassuringly tight.

Spritely, Sirius was able to squeeze between the space left between Remus and James to take the lead. It didn’t last long before James was on his heels. Like the cheat she was, Marlene tried to wheel around and shove them backwards, but the motion only served to throw Sirius off balance and then James and Lily were skidding around them once more.

Lily screamed rather loudly when her scalp seemed to explode in pain. Behind her, Marlene had grabbed ahold of a chunk of her hair and was tugging with all her might. As James had Marlene significantly beaten in strength, Lily was sure her hair would be ripped out by the handful unless James slowed down.

“Oh my God! Let go, you little –” Lily yelled as she grappled with Marlene’s wrist, trying to break her iron hold.

In all the confusion, it should have been easy for Remus to run past, but he hadn’t quite figured out how to compensate for Dahlia’s weight yet, and so he misjudged how far he could lean to the left, toppling into Sirius’s side. The six of them, all intertwined in one way or another, went down.

The first thing Lily noticed was the pain in her elbow from pinging off the pavement, the type of pain that promised a substantial bruise come morning. The second was how soft Dahlia’s hair was as it was currently caught in Lily’s mouth. Spitting, she tried to dislodge the hair but only succeeded in trapping the hair, now wet with saliva, to her bottom lip, a few strands still in her mouth regardless. Her arms, the tools she’d usually use to remove such an unwanted intrusion, were trapped at her sides, unmovable under the weight of Marlene and Sirius and Remus. Just about the only person Lily wasn’t trapped beneath was James, and that was because she’d fallen rather solidly on his chest. She could feel the broken rim of his glasses against her wrist.

Like a triple-knotted shoelace, it took them all a few moments to free themselves from the complex tangle of limbs. Once they did, they all scooted back to lean heavily against the wall, all talk of racing and who was the fastest forgotten as they nursed their aching bodies.

After glancing at James, Lily gasped, “You’re bleeding!”

His glasses had shattered near his face, and they were terribly lucky none of the debris had lacerated his eyes. There looked to be a cut on his lip from a shard as well as a piece that was wedged into his forehead, nothing deep but enough to cause blood to well and pool there.

Clinically, Lily removed the remaining piece of glass and wiped the blood off his face with the sleeve of her coat. James couldn’t have cared less about the blood or the pain, but obediently leaned back so that Lily could clean him up. She suspected he just enjoyed being fussed over. After casting a quick Reparo on his glasses – still partially broken because they couldn’t find all the missing pieces of glass – he was put to rights, or at least as much as he was going to be.

After a few minutes of sitting there, their breathing started to calm and their heart rates deaccelerated back to normal. Still, they didn’t move, continuing to rest against the wall, shoulders pressed to one another – James to her left and Remus to her right – and stare up at the stars.

Horse-drawn carriage or not, Lily couldn’t pretend that this wasn’t the best date she’d ever been on. Better than any date she could have imagined. She wanted there to be more. She wanted to spend more time with James, and she wanted to become better friends with Remus and Dahlia, the type of friends who went out on the town together, and she wanted to have more adventures, on her own and with the people she loved most in the world. She’d never felt so hopeful for the future, so unafraid for what a post-Hogwarts life would bring.

And it wasn’t just her. All of the seventh-years appeared to be undergoing a similar realization. They looked peaceful, united in the sense of promise that the night had given them. Snuggled into James’ side, Lily never wanted the night to end.


	34. Oct. 22, 1977

**October 22, 1977**

James couldn’t help but frown down at the little faces that stared up at him. He supposed the first years crowded around him would be considered cute. His mum at least had always cooed over him at that age, but he just couldn’t see it. Eleven-year-olds were similar to any other student, but like a hammer had banged on their head until they were squashed down to miniature size.

Maybe he was missing the gene. The gene that was supposed to make him feel protective of tiny children with their grubby hands and seemingly nonstop gaping mouths. Whenever James saw a baby, he only spent the requisite amount of time admiring it, the time needed so as not to offend the mothers his father was trying to impress or his mum had invited for tea, and then he’d move on to more interesting activities. Babies just didn’t do it for him, and if babies didn’t, then first-years definitely didn’t.

“Now does anyone have any questions?” James asked.

Immediately, several small hands shot into the air. The rush of satisfaction which came with having kids raise their hands just to speak to him was overpowered by his annoyance at having to answer whatever asinine questions they were sure to have.

“Yes,” James said unhappily, pointing to a Ravenclaw at the front.

“Are any of the items hidden in common rooms or house specific areas? If so, how can we get to them?” she asked.

“Good question,” James said, surprised by the fact that one of these kids had a brain between their ears. He wasn’t sure he’d grown a brain until he was sixteen. “No, there’s nothing hidden in the houses. You should only look in areas open to everyone and nowhere that’s forbidden, which means no bathrooms, professors’ offices, or the Forest. You, in the hat –” James gestured at a boy with his hand raised who was wearing his pointed hat, a relic of the uniform that most students stopped bothering with after their first three weeks of classes. “ – what’s your question?”

“Can you explain the rules again?”

James wanted to slam his skull into the wall.

The school-wide scavenger hunt was to begin in half an hour. Even though he’d scraped less than four hours of sleep the night before, and even less before that what with Moony’s transformation, he’d been forced to wake up before the sun was up to help Adrian Jones and the other prefects prepare. After they’d finished up hiding the prizes, James had been tasked with explaining the rules to the kids that approached.

Like the little brats they were, they had come in waves, necessitating him to explain the rules again and again. He was hopeful that this was the last batch, the stragglers that had taken a lie in instead of attending breakfast.

Why they all had such trouble grasping the rules was beyond him because there was nothing complicated about the day’s itinerary. James and the other prefects had enchanted two hundred odd baubles – shoelaces, a half-dozen spare buttons, partially-melted chocolate bars, and anything else they could scrape up from their dormitories – to emit a magical signal and then scattered them throughout the castle and grounds. The searching students would be able to sense out the items from the signal they emitted but would need to be within a meter to get any sense that they were nearby.

The initial plan had been to only hide chocolate eggs throughout the castle that way the students would have nothing but their searching abilities to thank for their successes, but Petra North had forgotten to put in the order on time, so they’d been forced to settle. (All James could say on that matter was that Petra was incredibly lucky he had taken over in place of Lily because Lily would have probably reduced the girl to a quivering mess of tears over the mistake).

He summarized the rules for them again in a monotone, placing particular emphasis on the hour the scavenger hunt would end – three – because he refused to spend his entire Sunday coordinating a bunch of kids. There were better uses for his time – a pickup game of Quidditch with his mates, sneaking down to Hogsmeade for a restocking at Zonkos, trying to slide his fingers between Lily’s legs again, wanking as he _dreamt_ about sliding his fingers between Lily’s legs again – a whole host of options.

The children were summarily dismissed once the rules were set, and James settled down at the makeshift stand he’d set up outside the Great Hall – a few chairs and his desk from the Heads’ office, situated right out front where it would be impossible to miss for even the slowest first-year looking for help. Personally, James couldn’t see why he needed to sit through the whole Scavenger Hunt. As far as he was concerned, until the kids finished up and brought their loot back for inspection, his job was finished. Jones had disagreed though and insisted that one of the kids could have a question or get hurt mid-hunt and require help, so here he was. Once everything was settled, some of the other prefects would probably take shifts joining him, but for the time being he was on his own.

James stretched his legs out leisurely so that they extended well beyond the length of the desk and settled in to work. The bet still being on, he had other Head duties to attend to. The more work he managed to knock out before Tuesday, the more time he could spend locked away in the Heads office snogging Lily. As much as it pained him, even James could admit that sometimes work had to be done.

There wasn’t usually much in the way of recommendations that came in through the anonymous drop box. Lily hadn’t been exaggerating when she said that Marlene would drop a reminder about holding a ball every week, but for the most part, students seemed to recognize it was an exercise in futility. Hogwarts was built on traditions, and maintained on the ruthless suppression of change. Ideas weren’t going to get much traction without an advocate with some power, and even Lily didn’t care that much.

Kids were also stupid. The theme of his day.

With the workload ticking up as they moved towards November, four different kids had thought it a decent idea to drop a suggestion that the Head students make the professors stop assigning so much work.

_…I think there are Conventions in place against this kind of cruelty. It’s torture. Torture! Doesn’t McGonagall know we have a Gobstones tournament coming up? Please, please, if you care at all, please ban McGonagall from assigning more than one essay a week (maximum length: one roll of parchment)._

_Thanks, A Drowning OWL Student_

Another read:

_McGonogolls is killing me and my friends. This is murder. Make her stop._

And yet another:

_The homework ends now._

_Or else._

That one had James laughing so hard his sides started to ache. His fellow students ought to trust him, if he could slow McGonagall down he would have ages ago. The woman was fair, but her standards were high. What they didn’t realize was that McGonagall purposefully upped the homework in October because she knew the other professors would start doing the same en masse in the latter half of the year, and she wanted to be able to scale back at that point to give the students at least one class where they weren’t being bombarded with essays. Like he said, fair but tough.

To his surprise, there was actually a request for conflict resolution buried in amongst the soon to be forgotten recommendations. Not a lot of details were provided, but it looked like there was some kind of dormitory-wide feud going down amongst the Hufflepuff third-years, and it had gotten to the point where one of them felt they needed to enlist help.

James rubbed his hands together in fiendish anticipation at the unexpected diversion. With this many players – there were probably at least 8 Hufflepuff third-years if not more – there was no way they all wanted the Heads to intervene, which meant there would be mass chaos on all sides. As a responsible Head Boy, he would do his best to put the situation to rights, but he would unashamedly bask in the drama. Maybe Lily had a point about castle gossip – there was so little in the way of entertainment these days.

In spite of his best intentions, James didn’t get much done in the way of work in the first hour or so he sat there. The leather of the chair dug into his back unforgivingly, but after two sleepless nights, James would have found a pile of rocks comfortable. He was unashamed to lay his head down on the stack of papers in front of him and take a nap even though it was a Saturday afternoon so there was sure to be a lot of activity in the Great Hall – students walking outside for a tour around the grounds, House Elves cleaning up for dinner, student clubs gathering, and now gangs of the younger students rampaging about in their quest for hidden treasure. If any of these students found it funny to see their Head Boy fast asleep in public, well, they were welcome to try keeping up with a werewolf and then going to a punk club the night after and see how they held up.

A few times he was dragged from the realm of dreams due to some interruption. A first year showed up with a skinned knee, carrying on like he was in danger of bleeding to death. Without even opening his eyes, James had mumbled out the location of the Hospital Wing and then fallen back asleep. Sometime later, he’d felt a tickle on his forehead like there was a fly buzzing about, so he’d swatted at it lazily. In his dream addled state, he would have sworn he made contact with a human hand, but his dream about flying to the top of Mount Everest was too captivating, so he let it go and slid back into deep sleep.

Something solid slammed into his shoulder. James did his best to ignore it. There was no reason he should cut short such a refreshing nap, but the solid hammering into his shoulder was insistent. Grumbling, James was slowly drawn from sleep and as he was, realized that someone was shoving him rather roughly in the shoulder.

“Fucking hell, Potter. Wake up,” the rude intruder growled.

James eyes snapped open to see a tall blur in front of him, and all he could wonder was what business a blur could have that couldn’t wait. Then, he realized that he wasn’t wearing his glasses and groped around until he found them on the table. Once in place, he recognized the blur was none other than Regulus Black.

“Don’t tell me you’re taking part in the scavenger hunt. It’s for the kids, you know,” James said.

He was just being an arse for the sake of it. James was pretty certain this was going to be about Regulus’s never-ending campaign to become a prefect in his sixth year. Nothing offended the Black sensibilities quite like being overlooked for a position of esteem. With Sirius they hadn’t expected much, but it was obvious all the Blacks had expected more from the younger brtoher, Regulus included. Since he’d been overlookd, Regulus had been trying to ingratiate himself with the professors and the prefects, helping out when it was unnecessary, coming up with ideas for how to improve the school, all in the hopes they’d revoke Ernst Green’s prefect status and replace him with Regulus.

The smear campaign was sure to come before the year was out.

“Where’s the goddamn letter?” Regulus snapped.

Having his suspicions disproven woke James up pretty fast. James had been able to all but forget about the letter from Walburga Black to Sirius. Between the full moon and their dates, Sirius hadn’t been given the chance to brood about the possibilities. Frankly, James had hoped that his friend would be able to forget about the letter entirely. Unread, it practically didn’t exist.

“Don’t get involved, Black,” James said, on guard and more than ready to get mean in Sirius’s defense.

Regulus bent down so that his palms rested flat on the desk and he could invade James’ personal space. That type of power move normally wouldn’t have an effect on him, but he was still a little disoriented and he couldn’t risk pissing off Regulus too much or it would get back to Sirius, and the last thing his mate needed was to have to choose between them. (James knew he’d win, of course, but he was mature enough to see that it would be at a cost.)

“This isn’t any of your business, Potter. Give Sirius the letter. He’s not a child. He can read a letter without the world ending,” Regulus said.

James thought that point could be argued.

“Why do you care?”

“Because it’s family business. Because Sirius needs to remember where he came from.” At James’ disbelieving look, Regulus mumbled, “Because I’m going to go on a killing spree if Mummy doesn’t stop nagging me about Sirius reading it.”

“Who’s the child now? Grow up and tell your mum to bugger off. It’s not my fault she’s harassing you,” James said unsympathetically.

“I pity your mother,” Regulus said.

James blinked a few times as that sunk in. His insides boiled at the insinuation that his mother, his wonderful, giving, living goddess of a mother was anything like Walburga Black. As if he’d ever tell his own mum to bugger off! Regulus was just a little brat though, so he didn’t let himself become too upset about it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking to me for,” James said, trying to pull off the casual arrogance that usually made his rivals combust with fury, and failing miserably. He wasn’t anywhere near approaching uninterested where Sirius was concerned and his every mannerism screamed his investment. “Sirius ran away from home, and it’s not like it was the house that was the problem. He ran away from your mother. Why would he start up as her pen pal?”

“I don’t know, maybe because she gave birth to him,” Regulus said snottily, leveling James with a look that appeared to doubt whether James could possibly understand familial obligations. His gaze lingered strangely on James’ forehead and the barest hint of a smirk lingered on his lips.

“Well, it’s not like you can prove that. I have to say, I don’t see much of a family resemblance what with your mummy being a heinous bitch and Sirius being, you know, not.”

Managing to completely sidestep the insult, Regulus said, “Actually, we underwent magical testing upon birth to prove we were the direct descendants of both our parents. The records are contained at the family estate, so…”

James ignored his point, instead asking, “Wait, how do you even know I’m the one with the letter? There’s not some sort of tracking spell on it or something, is there?”

“Sirius told me,” Regulus said, rolling his eyes.

James didn’t like that answer at all. The right answer to Regulus bothering Sirius over the letter would have been for Sirius to tell him to shove off, make a joke out of it. Deflecting and setting Regulus on James was a sign that Sirius wasn’t sure about his decision. It was also probably a sign that James would find Sirius wrecked later. There was no doubt that Regulus would have subjected Sirius to a whole tangent on guilt and family, the kind of lecture that would be ineffective coming from anyone else but from his brother had the power of a stampeding dragon.

“Just leave him alone,” James sighed, wishing he didn’t sound so weak as he said it.

Regulus rolled his shoulders back and released a sigh of his own. The movement removed all the threat from his posture. Instead, he looked James directly in the eye, and his expression was as close to beseeching as a Black was capable.

“Listen, I know that you want to protect Sirius. We want the same thing,” Regulus admitted. “But this is his last chance. He’s not sixteen anymore. My parents could maybe overlook Sirius’s histrionics when he was younger, but now? If he never writes Mummy back, it’s over. He’s out of the family forever.”

“And?”

“You can’t possibly believe that’s what will make him happiest. When one of our parents die and he can’t attend to the funeral, how do you think he’ll feel? He’ll hate you for holding him back from what he truly wanted, which was to reconcile with us,” Regulus continued, his voice tinged with desperation.

The idea of Sirius drinking himself into a stupor while his parents were lowered into the ground was a punch in the gut. _It’s not the same. It’s not the same_ , James chanted frantically. Sirius loathed his parents and everything they stood for. He wouldn’t feel a tenth of the pain James would when his parents died, and yet, with all the time James spent speculating on how he would handle his own parents’ deaths, he couldn’t ignore the sudden fear that there would be no difference. That the death of a parent was the death of a parent, no exceptions.

“I’m not the one stopping him from talking to your mum,” James said.

“No? If you weren’t in the picture, he’d have been home within a week of running away,” Regulus said dismissively. “Tell me you’ve never wondered about whether he secretly wishes he could go home. He knows you’d disapprove, so he can never tell you. Tell me it’s not true. My brother belongs with his family, and you’re the only person holding him back.”

That wasn’t true. The rational part of James’ mind that sometimes made an appearance was certain of as much, but he had never been one to rely on that part of his brain. He trusted his intuition, and his intuition was vibrating almost violently at Regulus’s accusations.

Were Sirius to announce he was returning to his family, James would throw a fit. There was no denying it. He’d use every trick in his arsenal to change his friend’s mind because it was a mistake, and James wasn’t in the business of letting his best friend self-destruct. Selfishly, James also knew he needed Sirius. He didn’t want to return to an empty manor on holidays. He wanted to return home, and when Sirius was there, the Potter homestead transformed into just that: a home.

So yeah, James would beg Sirius to think of how he was going to break Euphemia Potter’s heart, and ask whether he wanted James to die of boredom, and try to level so much guilt at his friend that he broke into pieces, but James had to remind himself that none of this was relevant because Sirius didn’t want to go back to Grimmauld Place.

Regulus recognized James’ moment of weakness. Of course he did. From birth the Blacks were trained to spot such openings, like sharks circling in the water. The twist of his mouth as he realized James was actually listening was undeniably cruel.

“You’re trying to force Sirius to do what you want every bit as much as Mummy. I’m not sure why you think you’re any different than us,” Regulus said haughtily. He had the good sense to take several steps back as he said it in case James leapt from his seat and started pummeling him. James almost did it too, but the image of how Sirius’s face would twist in betrayal was enough to keep him seated. When James made no move to attack, Regulus continued, “Give him the letter, Potter. You’re not protecting him by never letting him face his own problems. Let him make his own decisions for once.”

Regulus left after that, leaving behind no sign that he had been there at all besides the light musk of whatever posh cologne he practically bathed in every day. For James, however, it was like nothing was the same. His chances of taking a nap were shot as his brain had become too hectic a place to even consider rest. Technically speaking, James wasn’t supposed to leave his post, but it wasn’t like the first years participating were so incompetent they couldn’t find another student to ask for help if there was an emergency, so James decided no one could fault him for abandoning ship for a bit.

Whenever he was worked up like this, the best way to settle his mind was a good fly, so James set off for the Quidditch Pitch. He wasn’t a bloody ponce who memorized the practice schedule like one certain Gryffindor Chaser (cough, Carmichael), but he had a vague recollection of there being no afternoon practices that Saturday, something about the Hufflepuffs believing early morning practices engendered discipline and Slytherins having a killer Charms exam.

From a distance, as he descended the sloping hill to the west of the pitch, James spotted at least a dozen players. None of the figures were in the air, appearing to mill about the pitch instead. A team in such disarray could only mean that the replacement players were joining the first string for practice, a terrible exercise in patience for any captain that James avoided as much as possible.

As he neared, James realized that if this was the reserve team, they were the shortest team in Hogwarts history. He felt like a perfect idiot when he saw none of them were in Quidditch gear. They were the scavengers.

James wanted to slam his head off the hard planks that made up the stands when he put together that the scavenger hunt was going to interfere with his plans for a peaceful fly. The day just practically begged for people to abandon the ground. The clouds were the kind of fluffy white cotton balls you’d see in a painting, not at all conducive to spotting the outlines of animals, and perfectly spaced out to reveal the solid blue of the sky. Had James any aspirations towards becoming an artist, he would have painted this scene.

Upon arriving at the pitch proper, James spotted Bernie. The younger boy didn’t appear to be enjoying the activities. He hopped from foot to foot, shooting his classmates the kind of derisive looks his house perfected. Judging by the fuzzy blue sweat band resting atop his ears, James bet Bernie was there for a workout.

James had assumed Bernie quit. Since discovering Bernie’s bullies in the act, the younger boy had stopped attending their workouts. The change had bothered James but he hadn’t known how to track Bernie down other than camping outside the entrance to Slytherin, which was sure to embarrass the kid, and James somehow always became distracted by his other mates at dinners, forgetting he’d wanted to check in with Bernie in the first place. James was happy to see Bernie hadn’t abandoned his exercise routine all together just to avoid him. All he wanted was for Bernie to never let the bullies win.

“Alright, Bernie?” James asked as he approached.

To his credit, Bernie didn’t look like he wanted to run away when he heard James’ greeting. That was the great thing about Bernie, on a scale of one to ten, Bernie was always operating at an eleven. He was too brassed off about the scavenger hunt’s interruption of his workout to care about James.

“Can you believe this? I wait all day for the pitch to clear, and then these soft brats come and overrun it. _They’re not even exercising_!” Bernie shouted the last sentence at a nearby cluster of second years.

James clapped him on the shoulder. “I’ll get them to clear off. We didn’t even hide anything out here.”

“Good. I have a schedule to maintain,” Bernie sniffed. The posh way he pronounced schedule – incidentally the same way James said it when he wasn’t paying attention and forgot to roughen his accent – made James smile.

“So you’ve been at this a few weeks now. Seeing any results?” James asked.

“Obviously. Look at me.”

James still thought Bernie looked like a scrawny blade of grass. He’d need to hold someone’s hand in a storm so as not to blow away. James told him as much, earning a mouthful of bared teeth aimed in his direction and a declaration that James was a nerdy four-eyes who needed to up his prescription.

“Alright, flex for me then,” James ordered.

Bernie, obedient for once, contorted his arm so that James could probe for the muscle. Sure enough, beneath an almost non-existent layer of fat, the muscle of his bicep was starting to bulge. A barely noticeable difference but that was how change occurred. Incrementally. While it went against the reputation he’d cultivated over the years, James had always understood the benefit of patience when pursuing something he wanted.

“Good on you mate,” James said.

“I know right!” Bernie said enthusiastically. “The next person who messes with me better leave me dead because I’m going to come right back at them –” Bernie shadow boxed the air “ – and they’ll never know what hit ‘em.”

“If you do, come find me straight after,” James said.

“Why? So you can dock points?”

“Nah, so I can buy you a butterbeer.”

At his promise, Bernie lit up and James knew the kid would be there for his next morning workout. All he’d wanted was confirmation that James didn’t think less of him – for being bullied, for being a Slytherin. Now that he had it, they could get back to normal.

Happy as he was, James didn’t grow irritated when the mob of young students started to argue with him about leaving the pitch. They seemed to believe he was the mastermind of some sort of Gryffindor conspiracy to conceal the best hidden prizes for his own house. Their arguments about the Quidditch Pitch being unbooked and free for public access held some merit too, even if James typically didn’t trouble himself with such technicalities.

Looking down upon all of them, James couldn’t begin to remember why he’d found them all so annoying earlier. After all, Bernie was only eleven. One little boy sported a mane of springy curls that stretched to his shoulders, a reminder of Sirius. Another girl had a heavy blonde fringe and shoes that had been shined to the point they glistened, resembling nothing so much as a young Mary MacDonald. He could see their futures and who they were to become stretched out before him. James loved these kids.

It was this fondness that inspired him to say, “Fine then. Let’s make a game of it.”

Per his orders, the kids turned out their pockets until he had a pile of baubles at his feet. All of these were bewitched to emit the same kind of pulse of the hidden items, bringing them into play. The goal of the game would be to capture as many of the baubles as possible. The catch was they’d all be on broomsticks and if it hit the ground after James released it, the bauble would be out of play until James threw it again.

“You’re sure you know how to fly?” James asked just once because while he was far from prone to worrying, he felt a bit of responsibility wouldn’t be misplaced where kids were involved.

“We’ve all taken two lessons with Madame Hooch,” Anna Smiths, a Ravenclaw first year, told him, “But I’ve been flying for years at home.”

Three lessons weren’t that many James had to concede. For safety’s sake, James set a limit on how high in the sky any of the first years could fly, promising that he’d increase their threshold if they could prove themselves. With the rules set, the kids ran to the storage shed to pick out practice brooms.

“I thought you were getting rid of them,” Bernie said sourly.

“No worries, Bern. You’ll get your work out,” James said. “These kids don’t even know which end of the broom to sit on. Get some cardio. Every time they let an item drop to the ground, you run to it and then charm it to fly back to me. Do you know the levitation charm?”

“Fine,” Bernie huffed, and then he wrinkled his nose. His gaze zeroed in on James’ forehead with a focus that seemed entirely unwarranted. “Why did you draw a penis on your face?”

It took James several minutes to convince Bernie that he had not in fact drawn a doodle of a penis on his own forehead and that it was, in fact, a prank. Then, he made his way into the locker room to scrub at the offending bit of skin until the comically large doodle of a cock and balls was no longer invading his handsome visage. Whichever hooligan had taken his opportunity when James was napping in the Great Hall was going to get theirs. James would make sure of it. Though in the privacy of the locker room, he had a good laugh about it.

Once James was done laughing and celebrating his luck in not having run across Lily while looking like a ridiculous pervert, James went for his broom. While a practice broom would have been fine for such a low impact flying session, James still went to the locker rooms and pulled out his Cleansweep Deluxe. A finer broom wasn’t produced in Britain, and while many swore by the Ukrainian Swisher Premium, James believed his broom to be the best in the world. He could run his fingers along the finally sanded handle a hundred times and the wood – a rich mahogany from the forests of Dornoch would never splinter. Each bristle was cut to precisely the same length. Holding it in his hand, James could almost forget about it entirely, as it weighed next to nothing. Best of all, it was his.

By the time James came back out to the pitch, broom in his left hand and beater’s bat in his right, a half dozen kids had already taken to the skies and the others were struggling to follow. James joined them, kicking off firmly and then rising up and up and up until his ears popped from the rapid change in pressure. The rush of the wind filtering through the buzz in his ears made him whoop with joy.

The game went exactly as expected. James would throw a bauble up in the air and then swing out with the beater’s bat to send it hurtling across the pitch. Before each swing, he’d make a big show of spinning his broom in different directions so none of the students could predict which way he was going to release the prized object. Faking it out a bunch of twelve-year-olds turned out to be a lot of fun, so the time spent between James starting his process and actually taking bat grew longer and longer as the game wore on.

For the most part, the kids flew like kids, which meant Bernie got his workout and then some. He sprinted up and down the pitch, collecting the fallen and bewitching them to float back up to where James hovered. The repetitive nature of the game, at least on James’ part, meant that he’d never last long, but James enjoyed it while it lasted.

He especially appreciated the opportunity to scope out the future talent. While few of these kids had a future playing on their house teams unless they put in some serious practice, there were two or three that he could see having a future. One girl was doing abysmally at catching the baubles, so a seeker was out, but she could clearly maneuver around on a broom. She’d whip past him in pursuit of each bauble, headful of braids tapping along her back as she picked up speed. A chaser maybe? And then there were two kids that proved so skillful with their dives that the rest of the students playing never had a chance. The one, a third year, managed to snag about a fourth of James’ launches before they fell below twenty meters, and the other, a first year, managed to scoop half the remainders up from closer to the ground.

“Oy, what’s your house?” James shouted to the third-year. They weren’t in desperate need for a chaser, but it wouldn’t hurt to keep his successor informed. This kid would be a fifth year when Greenberg graduated and a replacement was needed. A perfect age to start.

“Ravenclaw!” he shouted back brightly.

Well, he could still share this intelligence with his team and let them know to be on the lookout. Maybe they could break his knees before he grew old enough or something.

“And you?” he shouted to the talented first year, who was performing dives just for the hell of it, always changing angle at the last moment to avoid a painful if not deadly collision.

“Gryffindor!” she shouted back.

James beamed and told her – Felicia Cullens – to talk to him some other time about the Gryffindor replacement team. The enthusiastic figure-eights she started to perform were answer enough as to how she felt about his offer.

Out of the corner of his eye, James caught something that made him pull up short, beater’s bat still raised in front of him. At least eight baubles had dropped to the ground in the past five minutes and yet only four or so had been returned. From the looks of it, and admittedly, it was kind of hard to see from his height, Bernie was pocketing a few of them.

“Hey, Bernie! What the fu – I mean what are you doing?” James shouted, causing Bernie to pause with one hand still buried in the pocket of his robes.

“Umm, nothing?” Bernie tried hopefully.

“Are you _stealing_ the pieces?”

“Umm, Slytherin,” Bernie shouted back unrepentantly. “It’s your fault for thinking I could overlook an opportunity like this!”

James snorted at that and just summoned the stolen baubles so that they would float back towards him. This earned him a shaking fist in his direction, but James ignored Bernie’s melodramatics. It wasn’t like the prizes for winning the scavenger hunt were that great – a Honeydukes giftcard to the winner and a chocolate bar to the runner-up. They didn’t warrant cheating.

By the time the last of the baubles was caught and the game was over, James had actually worked up a sweat. It was nothing like the intense workouts he was used to as part of his practices and daily routine, but the constant twisting as he maneuvered in different directions had actually put a fair bit of strain on his obliques. He’d accidentally hit upon a new workout.

Gradually, James descended back to the ground. He took his time with it, coaxing his broom to hold back and not hurtle towards the grass below. Getting off his broom was always the worst part of flying. He was never ready for the experience to be over. The younger students landed much more efficiently and loudly chattered amongst themselves about how much fun they’d had, comparing the number of objects they’d managed to collect. With only a little bit of disappointment, James dismounted and joined them.

“Awesome game, guys! Make sure to turn these in at the end of the hunt for your prizes,” James called to the smiling throng. “And, Felicia, you remember to come find me later so we can talk.”

The girl gave him a thumbs up before scrambling off with her mates. James swiped a sweat-soaked lock of hair off his forehead as he watched them go. Just then, he truly felt like he deserved the title of Head Boy. He’d plugged his nose and made it through the nasty bits – planning out the parameters and coordinating the supplies and prefects – and then he’d added a bit of his trademark spontaneity to create an experience that these kids truly valued.

It was almost embarrassing how proud James felt at the realization that not only could he handle Head Boy, he was maybe even uniquely suited for it. All this time he’d dismissed Dumbledore as a barmy old man, but maybe, for once, James was actually underestimating himself.

He wanted to write his mum.

He wanted to whistle.

He wanted to tell Lily.

Because he was celebrating in his newfound responsibility, James cleaned up the pitch, restocking the practice brooms so that the next team that took the field wouldn’t have any hassle. During his cleanup, James was interrupted by another Quidditch player who had looked at the sky that afternoon and felt the same impulse, no need, to take flight: Rin.

“Hi, James,” Rin greeted, coming up beside him.

James jumped like he’d been caught at something criminal (not that he’d ever give himself away so blatantly if he really was up to something). The guilt only worsened when he noticed that she looked remarkably good – no makeup, skin-tight practice leggings that did wonders for her bum. The kinds of things that anyone would have noticed suddenly felt like the height of lechery.

“Wow, yeah. Rin, hi!” James stuttered out. “Haven’t seen you in ages.”

Rin smirked wryly. “Yeah, I figured you’ve been busy.”

A familiar stirring began in his toes. One the signaled he should immediately take evasive action. Truthfully, he’d hardly thought of Rin all week. They’d shared a nice drink at the Three Broomsticks and then an even nicer snog out back, the kind that had left him with every intention of seeking her out again, but then, that night, Lily had instigated the food fight. She’d kissed him that night and ever since his mind had struggled to make room for anyone else.

So avoiding Rin hadn’t been intentional. From day one, he and Lily had both been clear about where they stood. There were no obligations to hold him back from pounding Rin through the wall right there in the locker room. Just the thought had his head whipping side to side like Lily might pop out of nowhere and strangle him.

“Did you read Patterson’s tell all on the preseason?” Rin asked conversationally and the turn to a safe, comforting subject, Quidditch, was like a balm for James’ jumped up nerves. “She’s claiming they’re going to drop Bules.”

“A bloody mistake,” James said, shaking his head ruefully.

Rin leaned casually against one of the lockers and asked, “You think it’s a bad move?”

“Think it?” James scoffed. “The man built that team from the ground. They’d be nothing without him, and after twenty plus years, they think they can just hire a new coach and play business as usual? With only three months till the season begins, mind you.”

Rin hummed in consideration. “I think he’s a hack.”

James dropped the broom he was holding onto his toe.

Half an hour passed with the two arguing about the Cannon’s chances with a new coach in what felt like only ten. Talking with Rin was easy, deceptively so. James forgot to be wary. So when Rin moved the conversation to where he didn’t want to follow, James was seated on a bench with the exit too far away to stage a speedy escape.

“If the Cannons lose their first match, I’ll give you a knut,” Rin said.

“Not sure, eh? A knut! I have actual faith in my convictions, Rin. If the Cannons win, I’ll pay you _two_ whole knuts,” James declared.

Rin laughed, and when she was done, smiled at James fondly. “I like talking to you, James.”

“Umm, thanks.”

“We should talk more often.”

Rin slid purposefully down the bench so that their knees were touching. James had to resist the impulse to flail backwards out of reach. Instead, he studied the place where their bodies met like a wasp had just landed on him.

“I’m always game to talk Quidditch,” James said, nerves alight.

Rin sighed. “I wish you’d just be straightforward with me. It’s not like I’m going to burst into tears.”

Despite her reassurances, it wasn’t that easy. For James, any confrontation with a girl was the worst possible scenario and he’d go to any lengths to avoid one. The glaring exception, as always, was Lily. Heated bickering was their default, so it removed the mystery. James didn’t know what Rin looked like with tears in her eyes, and he’d do his damndest to never find out.

“What do you want me to say?” James asked diplomatically.

“I _want_ you to ask me out again, but I’m getting the impression that’s not going to happen,” Rin said placidly.

James grimaced. There were only so many hours in a day, and those that weren’t already spent dedicated to his mates, classes, Quidditch, and Head Boy duties, belonged to Lily. Honestly, he had no idea how two-timers managed. Weren’t they tired?

“You know any guy would be happy to date you,” James said, an empty line to fill the silence.

“I don’t want just any guy,” Rin said and then at James slightly bewildered expression she added, “Oh, come on, James. You know I like you. Have for years actually.”

It shouldn’t have been new information and yet James had always held on to the belief that Rin didn’t care much either way. The image of her he’d built in his head was of someone so exaggeratedly laid back that she didn’t give a fuck who she was dating beyond a point. He’d imagined she was talking to him simply because Sirius and Peter had approached her and she fell into the opportunity without a second thought. That they’d asked her specifically for this reason or that she had been waiting for such a chance had never occurred to him.

That she liked him even though he’d treated her like shite for weeks was especially alarming. Had he known she actually cared, James liked to imagine he wouldn’t have led her on as much. At the very least, he wouldn’t have dragged her off into a broom cupboard when he had no intention of pursuing something serious. That none of his past behavior supported this assertion was beside the point.

“I’m not…”

“It doesn’t have to be something serious,” Rin said. “I get that it’s your final year of school and all. You don’t want a girlfriend dragging you down and that’s totally cool.”

Having just been given the world’s easiest out, James should have nodded. Should have nodded and said that yes, he was enjoying being single and he was sorry that he couldn’t offer more. The problem was that he’d have been lying, and the stark revelation that he was rather keen on having a very specific girlfriend left him too overwhelmed to think clearly, so instead, he just sat there mutely, letting his opportunity pass.

“Or maybe it’s just me,” Rin guessed accurately when the silence stretched on too long.

“I hope we can still be friends,” James said.

Rin looked more than a little shocked by his answer. To be fair, James had surprised himself as well. He wasn’t sure if his rejection qualified as callous or mature, but it was definitive, which was new for him. He’d never left things settled with a girl before, never left any room for friendship because the door for sex and romance was always left cracked. His jittery feet had settled.

“Friends, of course,” Rin said a little shakily.

The tremor in her voice had him on his feet within a second, but he fought back the urge telling him to run. Instead, he offered her his hand.

“Let me walk you back to the castle. I have at least another seven examples I forgot to mention before about why the Cannons are making a huge mistake.”

Rin chuckled and took his hand, letting him help her to her feet. She squeezed for half a second before letting go completely. His hand felt cold.

“Thanks a lot, James, but I’d still like to fit that fly in,” Rin said and her voice sounded as strong as he’d ever heard it.

In another world, James could have loved her. She was the living description of his perfect match. They weren’t in another world though. They only had one life and it was messy and full of complications. Perfect was boring. And back in the castle, he had one imperfect, messy complication who was waiting for him.

 

To the founders of Hogwarts, James owed a lot. Were he the type to regularly give thanks, he’d have to close his eyes and marvel over everything they’d given him on an hourly basis. They had given him Hogwarts and for that he would never hear a word against them (Slytherin excluded).

As he trooped up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower, however, James rethought his policy because one of those bastards was behind the decision to make all Gryffindor students live at the very top of the castle. In total, James had to climb eleven flights of stairs every day just to go to bed. Merlin forbid he forgot a textbook on the way to class because he was never making it back in time to retrieve it.

Typically, this didn’t matter because James was fit and young and his lungs could rival a horse, but he was tired. He’d been tired all day and still played a pickup game of Quidditch cum Scavenger Hunt with a bunch of kids. The burst of energy that had made that possible was gone now, and, terrible waste of a Saturday or not, he wanted a nap. A real one with a bed and a pillow and the Egyptian Cotton sheets that his mother had bought for him, which at the time he’d whined about as an unnecessary luxury as Hogwarts provided perfectly fine sheets but now he secretly cherished.

James glared darkly at the final staircase that separated him from his bed. Each step up from the Common Room to the boys’ dormitories was a feat of self-control. He wanted to just collapse in the stairwell. Let his mates find him eventually and drag him the rest of the way. He found the wherewithal to keep climbing mostly in an attempt to escape the pleasant chatter of the Common Room. A lot of noise wasn’t conducive to a nap. Neither, of course, was what met him when he reached his destination.

Through the heavy oak of the door, normally an effective barrier to any noise, James could hear a high-pitched wailing, trailing off and then rising back with a clipped intensity that could only denote someone talking rather hysterically. Fear of what he might find on the other side was almost enough to deter him, but he swore he heard his bed call out for him longingly, which trumped his skittishness.

The second thing James noticed when he opened the door was that the sheets had been torn off Remus’s bed and were strewn across the floor along with his pillows and half the books from the case. The third was that Remus, sitting on his bed in a white t-shirt and boxers, head in his hands, looked right miserable. The first thing, of course, that he noticed was that Dahlia was standing in the middle of the room, neck thrown back and sobbing. Her nose was an unhealthy looking red.

“Sorry to interrupt,” James said uncertainly.

Dahlia didn’t so much as glance at him, like his words hadn’t registered. Remus looked up at him though. Now James could see that Remus was crying too, albeit less dramatically. James swallowed heavily. Everywhere he went today, it seemed like the world was out to harm his friends.

“No, I’m sorry,” Remus croaked out, and it took James a second to realize Remus was talking to him and not Dahlia. “We can go somewhere else.”

James opened his mouth to say that there was really no need as he could hardly ask the two to continue their tearful confrontation in the Common Room, but Dahlia started yelling before he could, “No! I’ll go! You needn’t bother, Remus. Why chase after me seeing as we have no future together or anything!” Her voice broke hideously towards the end. Remus leapt to his feet but Dahlia screamed – “Don’t follow me” – and stormed out of the room.

James really hoped Remus took her last words to heart because that was not the kind of order a bloke ought to disobey. Not when it was delivered that brokenly.

Wide-eyed, James turned to Remus, “Blimey, you’ve got a barmy one there.”

Rather than sharing in a good-natured laugh over it, Remus levelled James with his ugliest glare. “Fuck, off. She’s not barmy and you don’t know shit.”

Remus quickly yanked on some trousers off the floor, not stopping to determine whose was whose in the mess that littered their room and accidentally pulling on a pair of James’, which were almost long enough, leaving just a sliver of pale ankle exposed, but were noticeably loose. Not appearing to care, Remus stalked off with the buttons still undone.

“What are you doing? She told you not to follow her.”

Remus ignored him, slamming the door in his wake.

“Fine! But I know birds and they mean it when they’re this upset! Don’t come crying to me when she hexes you cross-eyed!” James called even though he knew Remus would be halfway down the staircase by now and not hear a word. Shaking his head, he muttered into the empty room, “Bloody hell.”

If Remus was right about one thing, it was that James didn’t know shite. He’d never cared to ask how Remus and Dahlia first started developing feelings for each other; he only knew as much as he’d observed about their compatibility as a couple; and he would know just as little about the end of their fast and illicit romance.

In a lot of ways, James reckoned he wasn’t surprised. Forbidden teenage romances, they burned hot and fast and then fizzled out if the parties involved were lucky. Other times they exploded and took out everyone in range. Remus ought to act on that bloated brain of his and allow for the former, ducking down to the library and pretending like nothing had happened until everyone’s blood had cooled.

James stripped down, weighed the merits of a shower as the sweat had dried sticky on his skin, but decided he could survive without for a few hours. As long as he couldn’t smell himself, he didn’t care. Then, he pulled on a pair of pajamas and crawled into bed.

It was bliss. Heaven. Everything he’d ever wanted and more. Unrepentantly, James was ready to call this the greatest moment of his week. Achieving his lifelong goal of sliding his fingers into Lily Evan’s blistering hot cunt couldn’t compare. Sometimes the simple things were the most worthwhile.

Exactly two and half minutes later (James knew because he liked to count until he fell asleep), someone burst into the room once more. James didn’t bother opening his eyes, fully expecting it to be Remus having come to his senses. Even without his sense of sight, James could tell that the figure in the doorway wasn’t moving, which struck him as odd. Remus would have just walked over to his own bed unless something truly terrible had happened with Dahlia, at which point, James could concede, it was his responsibility as his mate to get up and pour the man a firewhiskey.

Wanting to curse his poor luck, James opened his eyes, only it wasn’t Remus at the door after all, but rather Lily. It was difficult to organize his thoughts as they frantically tumbled through is brain like: _Fuck, Lily’s in my bedroom. I just want to sleep. Her legs look amazing. I ought to have showered before. I probably smell. How can such a tiny person have such killer legs? I need her to leave before the lads come back and start giving her a hard time and she never wants to come up here again. Lily Evans is in my bedroom._

Just about the only panicked thought that didn’t race through his mind was the one thing that caught Lily’s attention. With pursed lips, Lily studied the pictures of naked girls from muggle mags that Sirius had spelled to the wall behind his bed. A few of them encroached onto James’ side of the room and to the untrained eye may have looked like they were taped up by James himself. Something told James that Lily wouldn’t be impressed by his defense that Sirius only hung the classiest _Hustler_ photos – the ones with precisely draped hair to provide the semblance of modesty and the ones where the girl smiled coquettishly from over her shoulder. Well, those and the pics with motorcycles. Some of those were pretty lewd.

“Do you want to sit down?” Only on the last word did he realize his hand was buried in his hair, ruffling about anxiously like he had a bad case of dandruff.

Lily eyed the bed with mistrust, clearly measuring whether James’ offer was a thinly-veiled attempt to get up her skirt. Ultimately, she must have decided she was more than capable of warding him off because she primly settled onto the very foot of the bed, dangling ankles crossed daintily.

Now Lily was in his bed. James had to tamp down on the part of himself that whirred into excited life at this development.

“Have I done something?” James asked because Lily’s manner had been decidedly unfriendly since she first walked in and her currently crossed arms indicated she wasn’t getting any warmer. Tired as he was, James just hoped she wasn’t planning to yell at him. He was susceptible to headaches.

“A dangerous question,” Lily said.

James scratched his chin as he tried to think what he could have done that had Lily brassed off with him. Per the bet, he’d really been on his best behavior lately. Sure he still smoked and drank and broke about a dozen school rules, but none of that was news to Lily. Unless…

Unless maybe Lily had heard about him taking Rin somewhere private and misinterpreted. That could do it. Technically, they were under no obligations to each other and James would tell Lily as much if she started hurling accusations, but he could understand her anger. Were James to find out that Lily was snogging Carmichael after their date last night, he’d want to break the git’s jaw. If he found out Lily was shagging Carmichael, he’d want to break _his own jaw_ just so that the pain could distract him from his horrible imagination.

“Feel free to punish me, Evans,” James said, sprawling out more fully on the bed. “I’ve been bad.”

Lily scoffed and made a big show of rolling her eyes, which had been his intention. Best lead the conversation to familiar, smarmy territory or he’d soon be pouring out an apology complete with promises that he’d never so much as look at Rin again. Whether or not he could live with himself after such an outburst was subject to debate.

“I was thinking about last Saturday in the Shrieking Shack and I realized something,” Lily said.

She held the pause for so long that James had to gesture for her to continue. He feared his flare for the dramatics was starting to rub off on her, and there was really only room for one diva in their pseudo-relationship.

“You’ve had an invisibility cloak this whole time!” Lily shouted unexpectedly, pointing an accusing finger in his face. If he leaned forward just a smidge, he could have bitten the tip.

“We established that last week,” James said confused. “What are you talking about, ‘just realized?’”

Lily repositioned herself so that she sat on her knees. A power move if James had ever seen one as now she could peer down at his prone form and level the full force of her disapproval. It had little effect as James was mostly just relieved she wasn’t here to harangue him about Rin.

“I hadn’t considered what it means until today. All this time, you’ve been able to pull off these fantastic pranks, not because you’re brilliant yourself, but because you had a magical cloak. It’s cheating!” Lily cried.

“Umm, so you admit all my pranks were brilliant?”

Lily hit him with the corner of his comforter, which was every bit as painful as flying through a cloud, so he hardly noticed. Seeming to realize this, she wrestled one of his pillows out from under him so she could beat him with that instead. It didn’t hurt exactly, but her assault did succeed in knocking his glasses askew, so he held up his arm to ward her off.

“Merlin, have a little control, woman!” he yelled until the hitting ceased.

“I just can’t believe you let everyone think you were so clever when really it was all a ruse,” Lily huffed.

James decided then and there that Lily could never be allowed to find out about the map.

“Cloak or no, we still had to come up with the ideas. Pretty clever is underselling us,” James argued.

“You’re right. You did still come up with the ideas.”

“Umm, thanks?”

As a NEWT student, James had to possess something in the way of brains, and he knew enough to realize that Lily relenting like that was dangerous. Even more alarming was when she crawled forward so that her knees rested on either side of his abdomen and smiled down at him viciously. It was a trap. She was like one of those plants that emitted the world’s most succulent scents – chocolate, the musk of a wooded creek, broom polish – all to lure its victims close enough to attack. James was probably helpless enough to fall for both.

“You’re a really great Quidditch player. Have I ever told you that?” Lily asked.

“Once, I mean, dunno.”

James remembered, of course, the time Lily had complimented his flying in fifth year. The remark had been born of Gryffindor pride as he’d just helped trounce Ravenclaw and guaranteed their spot in the finals, but it had stuck with James. For days, he’d privately obsessed over finding a way to translate Lily being impressed with his flying into a date. All attempts at which fell predictably flat. That he remembered every word of the compliment, however, was not something Lily needed to know.

“You are,” Lily told him. “A great athlete.”

“Are you trying to seduce me, Evans?” James asked.

“Shh,” Lily ordered, placing a single finger over his lips to silence him, which he interpreted as a yes.

Well, James could go along with this wonderful turn of events for as long as it lasted. Lily-comes-up-to-berate-him-and-then-straddles-him-on-the-bed was straight out of his most used fantasies. Experiencing at least a bit of it so his imaginings could become more accurate was worth the moment she dropped the act and pulled a praying mantis by decapitating him. Maybe.

Teasingly, James sucked her finger into his mouth. At the unexpected suction, Lily broke character, eyes going wide at the sight of him. He grinned around her finger and she quickly pulled it away but not before James quickly flicked it with his tongue. It felt good to play with her a bit, not just lay there waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“As I was saying,” Lily said, failing to hide her telling breathlessness. “I know you’re a good athlete, and I further know that you’re a good sport. You like a fair match.”

“Yeah, I do,” James agreed though he knew full well that he’d find it difficult to avoid sabotaging his opponents if the opportunity ever presented itself. There was, however, nothing better than a well-earned victory, the kind that confirmed his superiority and left no room for doubt, so he supposed Lily was right.

Lily’s smile widened. “Why then, do you think it’s fair to challenge me to a bet where you had an unfair advantage?” Her voice grew higher in pitch as she spoke. “Hmm? You use the bloody cloak! It’s only fair that I should have access to it too.”

“Aww, come on, Lily. It’s a family heirloom,” James groaned.

“Fair’s fair,” Lily insisted.

“Listen, I would, but it’s not even mine,” James tried without much hope. “It’s up to my dad, and I really don’t see him being fine with me loaning it out to some girl.”

Lily’s lips pursed at being referred to as ‘some girl’ and she shot back, “Oh, but he has no issue with Larry, Moe, and Curly all taking it out for a spin?”

“Umm, no, he’d be pretty furious if I gave it to a group of randoms,” James said, not entirely sure what her point was.

“It’s a reference to a television show about, oh never mind,” Lily huffed. “Are you seriously not going to give in?”

“Are you going to keep badgering me and preventing me from napping if I don’t?”

Rather than answer the question, Lily glanced down at him, eyes popping wide in surprise as she noticed that he was in his pyjamas for the first time. They were a heavy gingham set embossed with miniature golden snitches and by far his fanciest pair, far more expensive than the boxers and ratty shirts he usually favored. He’d only slid into these because the rest of his clothes were in the wash.

“Napping doesn’t seem very like you,” Lily said uncertainly. “Not on a Saturday at least. I thought you only napped in classes to let the professors know what a snot you are.”

“Normally your assessment would be spot on, but I’m exhausted. Busy day with the scavenger hunt, which went swimmingly, might I add. Thanks ever so much for asking. Very Head Girl of you, and we were out late last night, so I didn’t get much sleep,” James explained.

“Well aren’t you precious! Tired after one late night. I never would have expected it,” Lily said delightedly.

James had to fight back the urge to correct her about how it had been _two_ nights, thank you, as he was anything but precious. That, however, would lead to questions he couldn’t answer, so he resisted the urge. Instead, he shrugged absently like her words were meaningless, and she giggled in return, always happy for the opportunity to tease him.

“Alright, budge up, then,” Lily ordered.

James raised his eyebrows at the unexpected turn but obediently slid to the side so that Lily could join him at the top of the bed. Slipping under the covers, she curled up into his side, lithe body fitting neatly into the dips of his own form. There wasn’t much room on the bed, what with it being a four-poster designed for one, so after a moment of awkwardly maneuvering his arms as he decided where to rest them, he managed to wrap it under her shoulders, pulling her somehow closer so that his nose was buried in her hair. She smelled like nothing in particular but still somehow reminded him of the scent of the Quidditch pitch. Both smelled active, outdoorsy, and fresh in a way that was hard to place.

“Take your nap,” Lily said when she realized that his eyes remained open and his breathing uneven.

“Not that I’m against this arrangement or anything, but there’s a thirty percent chance if Remus comes in he’s going to take the mickey and a one hundred percent chance Sirius will,” James said. “You sure you’re fine with this?”

Without being able to see her expression, James knew Lily rolled her eyes. “If I tried to live my life to avoid teasing from Sirius, I’d have to off myself. I’m not worried about it.”

James couldn’t remember the last time he’d cuddled another person in bed where sex wasn’t involved. As a little boy, James had clung onto his mother as long as she’d let him. He still remembered the year she decided he was too old to curl up in bed alongside her. It had been a gradual process, but day by day she started complaining about needing her own space and wouldn’t James like to sit in the chair in front of her armoire. Surely, that would be more comfortable. Older now, James could recognize that his mum had just been helping him grow up, but at the time, it had seemed like the worst kind of affront. Cuddling Lily was, of course, not in any way comparable with snuggling his mum. The only similarity was that both left him warm and with an inescapable sense of comfort. Hidden beneath the covers, the cold air and colder horrors of the world had no hope of breaching their safe, little bubble.

Whenever he was tired, James always became a pansy, his thoughts deteriorating into a childish, lyrical swirl. He’d have to ensure that none of his mates ever became legilimens. Sirius had brought it up casually as a possibility for their next project as the map and their animagus transformations were complete, but James would rather die of boredom.

After a few minutes of silent comfort, James said, “Are you really upset about the invisibility cloak?”

“Not really,” Lily said quietly back. She paused as if weighing whether to explain more before adding, “I was never really cross about it. I think I just wanted an excuse to see you. I’ve missed you.”

“We saw each other last night,” James managed to choke out before he could tell her he had missed her too.

“I know that, you git,” Lily said. “I’ve just gotten used to your specky face.”

Despite the insult, James smiled into her hair. His arm was starting to fall asleep, twinges of sharp discomfort shooting up from the hand that was trapped beneath Lily’s weight all the way up to his shoulder, but he made no attempt to move it. Even if his entire body fell asleep, he’d let her continue to snuggle up into him.

“You can borrow the cloak for your pranks as long as you return it immediately after,” James conceded.

“I didn’t tell you I missed you just to get the cloak,” Lily said a little timidly.

“I know.”

And he did know because there was no way their growing feelings weren’t mutual. It wasn’t arrogance. James just knew that the brewing slew of feelings that made his knees shake with anticipation every time she walked into a room and his fingers twitch with the need to comb through her hair couldn’t be foreign to her. She had to feel at least a tenth of what he did.

 _First thing I do when I enter a room, before I take a breath of air, is look for you_ , James wanted to tell her. There were a lot of things he wanted to tell her, confessions that were far too early to make sense and yet true all the same. Lily yawned beside him, and James knew that he could save it for another day because they would have tomorrow and the day after that. Lily would be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geez this chapter was romantic. I didn’t remember it being so romantic from when I wrote it to when I proofed it haha. If you enjoyed, please take the time to review as it brings me so much delight when I get a notification at work.
> 
> And if you’re interested, I wrote a Jily oneshot, which can be found on my profile. Still looking for more Jilytober prompts FYI.
> 
> Thanks all! Have a lovely weekend!


	35. Oct. 23: Part I

**October 23, 1977**

Lily jolted straight up, back cracking loudly at the sudden movement after a night of no motion. Her eyes cast about the room frantically and her heart rate slowed as she recognized the familiar maroon bed hangings and the gentle wheezes of Alice in the bed beside her. For a moment, her sleep addled brain had thought she was still in James’ bed. She should have realized that wasn’t true from the lack of warmth. Napping next to James was like lying beside a furnace. He burned her.

Finding herself in her own bed as she should be only served to calm her slightly because the anxious thought that had awoken her hadn’t been disproven by the light of day. It was Sunday.

Sunday. As in the end of the week, or beginning depending on how someone chose to view it.

So caught up in her new relationship with James, Lily had allowed the week to pass by without meeting her pranking quota. Of her seven allotted pranks, she’d only completed three, and something told her she was going to have to fight to have her truth-or-dare pranks counted.

Careful to keep her steps quiet so as not to wake anyone, Lily slowly slipped from her bed and headed for the bathroom. She took the world’s fastest shower and then stood before the mirror scrubbing at her teeth viciously. Her mind was occupied with ways she could rectify the situation. Hygiene and her beauty routine couldn’t be suspended, of course, but she’d have to make some sacrifices if she wanted to get these pranks and her homework finished today. Breakfast would be the first thing to go.

In some ways, Lily almost wondered whether she ought to take the loss and move on with her life. The point of the bet had been made for both sides. Lily had to admit that James worked hard in his way as pranking took a surprising amount of strategy and foresight. She also thought he’d be slower to disparage her efforts as Head Girl – partially due to the bet and partially due to the fact that they weren’t enemies any longer. Their newfound respect for each other wasn’t going to decrease if the bet ended a week earlier than planned.

Calling it early, however, smacked of failure, and Lily still couldn’t accept that. No one would give her a hard time if she quit now. She was almost certain of that, but she’d have to live with it. Fear of hating herself had always motivated her more than fear of others looking down upon her. Lily loved herself but that love wasn’t unconditional and she was terrified of someday losing it.

Not for the first time as Lily walked downstairs to the Common Room, she wished that Hogwarts wasn’t so isolated from the rest of the world. Her pranks would be a lot easier to coordinate if there was a corner store she could raid for supplies on a given notice. There was Zonko’s of course, but she was almost embarrassed to resort to such crass humor. Zonko’s lacked elegance, the signature finesse that Lily tried to incorporate into all (okay, most) of her pranks. She’d drop her lofty ideals if no better ideas presented themselves, but she’d rather manage without.

Unintentionally, Lily had woken up early enough that the sun was just peaking above the mountains outside. No one was awake that early on a Sunday. The castle was almost eerily silent when it was like this. Lily had always found the castle in the early morning far creepier than the castle at night. Hogwarts was supposed to be empty of students when the sun had gone down and the torches were lit. With light filtering through the windows, Lily expected to see a bustle of students around every corner. It was far easier to trick herself into believing the castle was abandoned in moments like this.

Wandering around the castle, Lily was looking for inspiration. A search that was proving futile. No answers leapt from the stone walls to solve her dilemma.

Unthinkingly, Lily wandered towards the professors’ living quarters. It wasn’t strictly forbidden for students to walk the halls outside, but it was irregular. In the past, Lily had only ever come down there in order to summon a professor when trouble was afoot.

Lily started when she almost walked straight into Professor McGonagall who was just leaving her living quarters for the day. The older witch managed to look completely unfazed by the near collision, merely adjusting her hat a smidge so that it sat more firmly atop her head.

“Everything alright, Miss Evans?” McGonagall asked.

“Yes, Ma’am. I’m just thinking,” Lily said quickly.

McGonagall regarded her skeptically for a moment but it accepted her answer. “The scavenger hunt went very well yesterday. You should be very proud of your work this year.”

“That was all James,” Lily deflected, surprised at how easy it was for her to share the praise with James. From everything she’d heard, he deserved it.

“Oh, I nearly forgot. While I have you here, I want to give you the points deductions from the professors for the week,” McGonagall said. She motioned for Lily to wait while she returned to her rooms to get the documents.

Lily froze in place, a gasp caught in her throat as McGonagall didn’t bother to lower her voice as she gave her door the password. She now had the password to a professor’s rooms! It was hard to breathe imagining all the pranking possibilities that James and his friends could have only dreamt of.

Except, it wasn’t just any professor. It was McGonagall. There was no one more terrifying in all of Hogwarts, and if Lily was ever caught skulking about in McGonagall’s rooms, she wasn’t sure she’d survive the experience. Beyond that, McGonagall had just told her how proud she was of her. How could she possibly betray that kindness and trust? Sneaking into her room would be invasive, crossing every sort of line.

Yet, it was a sign from up above wasn’t it that McGonagall had needed to return to her rooms right when Lily was there to hear the password. Coincidences like that held meaning, and the meaning as far as Lily could determine was that she ought to win.

McGonagall returned and passed along the point deduction papers before leaving Lily alone in the hall. For a few minutes, Lily wandered the passage, trying to look inconspicuous while she confirmed that McGonagall really had left for breakfast. It was unlike the organized professor to be forgetful, so Lily thought it unlikely she’d return once again for something forgotten inside.

After a few minutes of that, Lily didn’t have any more excuses for waiting. Her moment had arrived, and she ought to take it. Hushed and trembling, Lily whispered the password to the door and slipped inside McGonagall’s private rooms.

The guilt was immediate. Everything she saw inside felt like the worst kind of intrusion. She didn’t want to snoop on McGonagall’s private life, but it felt like her every observation did just that. Had she not been sure she’d trip over some furniture and break an ankle, Lily would have covered her eyes as she maneuvered through the room.

For all her dramatics, the room didn’t reveal much about her professor that wasn’t previously obvious. The professor’s quarters were not spacious. It looked to consist of a bedroom, a common area, a lavatory and a closet. There was no private kitchen or office space, though Lily supposed the latter would have been redundant. The entrance had let her directly into the common area, where Lily spotted a burgundy couch that would not have looked amiss in the Gryffindor common room, row upon row of bookshelves all stacked to the brim, and a half-stocked glass case for drinks. Everything was exactly in place, with no stacks of papers or loose hair ties or strewn shoes like there were in the seventh-year girls’ dormitory. McGonagall lived neatly.

Nothing Lily saw presented her with any ideas. She could steal some of the liquor maybe, but that seemed pointless and she wasn’t sure McGonagall would have noticed.

Next, Lily drifted to the closet. Her jaw dropped when she opened the swinging doors. Precisely hung robes filled the closet, assorted by color. The colors ranged from deep emerald green to the darkest shade of black. There were no bright colors, no accessories, nothing to spice up an outfit. Her closet was designed for practicality and nothing else.

This struck Lily as rather sad. Minimalism was all well and good. Lily could understand the aesthetical appeal certainly, but it seemed a waste to go one’s life with no patterns or pink or flare. It gave Lily her first idea.

Charming a little color into McGonagall’s wardrobe was as simple as a swish and a jab at the various articles of clothing. An array more wonderful than the rainbow quickly filled the closet with vibrant pinks and startlingly cheerful yellows. The tricky part was controlling for McGonagall’s own magical talent. Lily had little doubt that McGonagall was more than capable of reversing a simple color charm even if Transfiguration was her area of expertise. In the others, the professor was still no slouch. What she needed was some sort of trigger so that McGonagall would dress, business as usual, and only upon a certain event taking place would the charm be unleashed and her wardrobe change fantastically in sight of everyone.

Unwilling to sit on any of McGonagall’s furniture, Lily sat cross-legged on the floor, chin in her hands as she thought through her conundrum. It couldn’t be as simple as a time release or McGonagall would have reason to suspect that her clothes were bewitched and would take measures to undo the curse upon them. Using the same trigger for each article of clothing was equally inadvisable because McGonagall would be able to sort out something was amiss if every time she heard the word ‘tuna’ her robes turned orange.

Eventually, Lily was forced to admit that there was no silver bullet. McGonagall was too clever not to sort out her prank given enough time. The best Lily could do was vary the trigger for different articles of clothing so that Lily’s spell would be unlocked in unexpected moments. Nearly half an hour passed in that fashion with Lily concocting increasingly outlandish triggers.

The pièce de résistance was McGonagall’s hat. Her second which was not currently atop the breakfasting witch’s head. Lily layered the spell there three times over so that the first two times McGonagall reversed the charm, a different trigger would cause the hat to revert once more to a bright blue bedecked with sparkles.

Lily rolled her wrists a few times. Her joins now ached from casting so many times in quick succession. She was purposefully wasting time. The door to McGonagall’s bedroom lay before her, and she was terrified to breach that last barrier of privacy. More pressing was the amount of time that had passed. Unfamiliar with McGonagall’s eating habits, Lily couldn’t predict when her professor would return. It would be best to go nick the invisibility cloak off James and return later. One prank, however, was nowhere near enough and she was on a deadline, so with a fortifying gulp of air, Lily pushed open the portal.

Had Lily been holding something, she would have dropped it.

“No way,” Lily breathed.

Not a centimeter of the walls were bare. Hanging on the walls were an array of banners, each one stretching from the ceiling to the plush, brown carpet. The banners each sported the logo of a different Quidditch team. Moving closer, Lily could see that they were all adorned with memorabilia corresponding to the appropriate team – flags, brochures, photos from games sometimes featuring McGonagall herself, and autographs. So many autographs. They were scrawled on napkins, hastily scribbled on post cards, some featuring heartfelt notes and others impersonal initials. Without knowing much about Quidditch, Lily was fairly certain every team in Britain was featured, plus most of the national teams from across Europe.

The Quidditch madness wasn’t confined to the walls either. A bookshelf contained every copy – Lily checked and not a volume was missing – of the _Quidditch Review,_ and the bedside table was messy with papers all filled to the brim with suppositions on how the next season would go. All culminating with McGonagall’s prediction for the national champion: the Chudley Cannons.

Never in her wildest dreams would Lily have imagined McGonagall’s Quidditch interest extended so far. The contents of her bedroom spoke of obsession, of fanaticism. It was so absurd that trying to salvage a prank out of it proved impossible. The reality was sillier than anything Lily could come up with.

She stopped in front of the Dover Dragons’ banner to examine the pictures there. In one photo, McGonagall was young and euphoric, standing alongside a group of fans and a player still dressed in his Quidditch uniform. In another far more recent photograph, she leapt to her feet and cheered as the players streaked past. The difference in the pictures spoke to a commitment to the sport that had dominated the better part of her life.

“Sigmund Trout. Excellent player. His career ended early after he developed arthritis in both his wrists. Fatal for a chaser.”

The expression about ‘jumping out of your skin’ had never made much sense to Lily before that moment. Upon hearing McGonagall’s voice directly behind her, Lily gave a start so violent that she felt as if she’d left her skin behind and was now nothing but raw nerves. Lily hoped desperately that she’d merely missed a portrait on the wall, but luck was not on her side. Standing merely a few paces behind her was McGonagall.

“Professor,” Lily squeaked out.

McGonagall gave an amused hum in reply. “I am so looking forward to hearing your explanation as to how you came to be in my bedroom, Miss Evans. It’s been so long since I’ve heard a good story.”

Bizarrely, something honest spilled out of Lily’s mouth – earnest and more than a little desperate – before her brain could concoct a compelling lie. “I have a bet with a classmate to prank the student body, and it was never my intention to break in here, I swear, only you said the password in front of me and I had no ideas. I’m so, so, so sorry.”

An endless moment passed in which Lily prepared herself for expulsion before McGonagall said, “Well, did you arrive at any ideas?”

It felt like a trick. Surely, McGonagall merely wanted to know her plans so that she could efficiently thwart them. Yet, form behind her spectacles, McGonagall’s eyes glinted with amusement, and Lily knew after having seen this room that she’d always misjudged her professor. McGonagall wasn’t a severe, personality-less titan of education. She knew how to have fun. The jubilant, young woman in the photo of wall could care about more than due dates and revision.

“Inspiration hadn’t struck yet,” Lily said.

“What if I were to tell you that you had the entire Hogwarts faculty at your disposal?” McGongall asked impishly.

Slowly, Lily answered, “Then, I’d have to wonder what time it is.”

“Half past seven,” McGonagall said.

A grin blossomed across Lily’s face. With a sleeping castle and all the professors of Hogwarts on her side, Lily could come up with something brilliant.

Quickly, Lily filled McGonagall in on the rough outline of the plan that had sprang to her mind. After asking a few questions and fleshing out some details, McGonagall conceded that Lily’s proposed prank hurt no one and could be pulled off at limited cost to everyone involved. Lily rather got the impression that McGongall was excited to take part in a little controlled mayhem. Maybe professors grew stir crazy too.

As Lily hurried to leave and begin her part in implementing the prank, McGongall called out, “Oh and Miss Evans, you’ll owe me a month’s worth of detentions come November.”

Lily’s returning smile was sheepish. “Yes, Professor.”

 

The best part about Lily’s prank was that there was very little Lily needed to do to pull it off. McGonagall would handle the majority of the work. All Lily really needed to do was not arouse suspicion, which wouldn’t be difficult as her housemates were sleepy and not the most observant lot in the first place. The prank had been modified at McGonagall’s urging to only target the Gryffindor seventh years, as extending it to the entire student body would have ruined everyone’s Sunday. Like Lily, McGonagall was of the mind that pranks should exalt and delight, not just provide undue discomfort.

Rather than creeping back up to bed, Lily settled in the common room. Her only responsibility would be to ensure that none of her targets wandered off to breakfast and saw the rest of the student body at play because that would ruin the entire illusion. The illusion being that it was a Monday, not a Sunday, and the Gryffindor seventh years had collectively blown off their classes for the morning.

Draped across the couch, Lily had a perfect view of both staircases. At her side rest a bag of pumpkin pasties, ready to be used as bribery if any of her friends resisted her attempts to keep them cooped up in Gryffindor Tower. To keep her mind occupied during the wait, Lily opened up a borrowed copy of Marlene’s _Witches Weekly_ and settled in for a satisfying hour of reading about resisting chapped lips in the winter months – a subject that had gained relevance for Lily now that she was snogging someone with regularity.

Shelia was the first of her targets to come wandering downstairs that morning. Her hair was coiled together in a pony-tail and she wore little shorts with an elastic band, the kind that was only ever forgivable to wear on a run, which, incidentally, was where Shelia was headed. With only a nod of recognition, Shelia made towards the portrait hole.

“Wait!” Lily called out, causing Shelia to stop in her tracks. “Where are you going?”

“Breakfast to grab an apple or something and then I’m going to run around the grounds. Want to come?” Shelia said.

Lily glanced at her watch. It was ten after nine. McGonagall couldn’t reasonably be on the warpath to find them for another half hour, and while still early, there would probably be students down at breakfast by now, all of whom would signal it was a lazy weekend. Shelia would need to be sidetracked.

“Skip it. Sit down and cuddle with me,” Lily pleaded, making grabby motions towards her friend.

Shelia rolled her eyes. “Okay, weirdo. I’m going now.”

Lily shook the bag of pumpkin pasties at her like she might a pet. “I already have breakfast right here. Don’t you want some?”

“Candy for breakfast? Did Potter dump you or something?” Shelia snorted and turned to leave once again. “I’m not skipping a healthy breakfast and a run for a bag full of sugar. Go wake up Marly if you want cuddles.”

Eyeing the bag of candy warily, Lily fished a pasty out of its wrappings. With a great deal of heavy-handed moaning, Lily bit into the creamy confection. “So, so good. Someone’s missing out!”

Shelia paused, hand on the portrait, to turn back and stare at Lily. Her expression was a mixture of longing and derision. Lily could understand. As disgusted as she was at eating a piece of candy before noon of all things, she had to admit, it tasted pretty damn good.

“Are you having a crisis?” Shelia asked again, this time more seriously.

“No, I just want to tell you about my date from Friday. Don’t you care at all? I have stories,” Lily wheedled. “I want to share them with my best friend.”

Unintentional though it was, Lily had managed to avoid sharing any details of her date from Friday with her best friend. She’d been hung over half of yesterday, which was utterly unfair because she hadn’t drank a tenth as much as Marlene and the other girl had seemed fine. In the second half, she’d holed up in bed, reading for pleasure for once and enjoying some much needed personal time. Then, she’d fallen asleep in James’ bed, and the opportunity to fill Shelia in had never presented itself.

Like a piggy bank, Shelia was designed to break under pressure, and the promise of gossip was her favorite kind. Eagerly, Shelia abandoned her plans to leave and crawled under the blanket to join Lily on the opposite side of the couch. Deviously, Shelia dug her foot into Lily’s stomach as she settled, but Lily didn’t resent it because she’d achieved her goal of keeping Shelia occupied.

“So, spill,” Shelia ordered.

Lily started with the good stuff: where they’d gone, the ridiculous bet with James and the wonderful people she’d met as a result, an ambiguous overview of what she’d discussed/done with James but with a very in-depth examination of the feelings that resulted. Shelia listened with rapt attention, the only sounds coming from her mouth being those from chewing her pumpkin pasties and supportive coos throughout.

“I don’t know. He, like, told me things, real things. I hadn’t been expecting that,” Lily said honestly. “I thought he’d just want to get drunk and fool around, but then he’s telling me about his parents. Really deep stuff, Shells. It feels like he’s leaning on me, which is good, you know? Because I care about him even if we’re not dating, and I want him to tell me these things as they come up. I can help share the burden a little bit.”

“What’d he tell you?” Shelia pried.

“I don’t want to say, but it was heavy stuff. He looked so upset about it, and all I could think about was how to make him smile again.”

Lily was in danger of making herself melt into a pile of goo because she’d succeeded in seeing him smile again, bright and uninhibited. A world in which James was frowning wasn’t a world Lily wanted to live in. Thinking about James’ fears shouldn’t bring her that much happiness. She recognized that, and at the time that he’d first told her, she’d been nothing but concerned. Devastated, really, on his behalf. Now that she was distant from the night and the intensity in his voice, she was able to feel a tiny bubble of joy at the fact that he’d told her. The concern and worry was still there, but behind that, wriggling about, was excitement.

“And did you? Make him smile again?” Shelia pressed.

Lily bit down on her lip, unsuccessfully trying to suppress a smile. “Yeah.”

“Merlin, you slut!” Shelia laughed.

“I didn’t say anything like that!” Lily cried, but Shelia continued to snicker. “Okay, fine. There was a _little_ something like that, but I managed to cheer him up by providing a sympathetic ear and with my razor-sharp wit.”

“You have to promise to tell me when you have sex with him,” Shelia said solemnly.

“In your dreams, and I’m not going have sex with him anyway,” Lily tacked the last bit on hastily. An afterthought. She hoped she wasn’t as red as she felt.

“I told you when I had sex for the first time,” Shelia pointed out.

“And it was gross and oversharing then.”

Lily didn’t mean it though. How could she? There was little doubt in her mind that she’d consult with Shelia before she ever planned to have sex with someone, get a little advice on what to expect beyond the obvious. Your first time was an experience that was meant to be shared and not just with your sexual partner. All of her friends would share in it, one way or another.

They continued on in that vein for another few minutes. Shelia trying to pry from Lily details about just how much fun she and James were having. By the end, though Lily hadn’t admitted to anything, there was very little mystery left. Their conversation had deteriorated into euphemisms and giggling, and Lily couldn’t bother denying anything.

After that conversational well had dried up, they shifted to the other gossip from the night. Mainly, Lily had been privy to a front row examination of how Marlene and Sirius functioned as a couple.

“I mean, I guess, they’re fine,” Lily said with a wrinkle of her nose. “He’s not like, belittling her at every turn or anything, but he’s not great to her either. There were a couple of times where he was just so dismissive, and you know Marlene, she’s never going to stand up to him.”

“Godric no,” Shelia agreed. “He could tell her to crawl in a hole and die, and she’d just frown at the ground.”

“Exactly! I don’t even know. Sometimes he’s nice to her. Other times he’s not. The only thing I know for certain is that Marlene is too good for any man on this planet, but maybe Black is the best choice if she has to choose one,” Lily said.

Lily could have kept bemoaning her discomfort at Hogwart’s newest couple for several more minutes, but her little powwow with Shelia had been designed to be transitionary, a way to hold Shelia in place, so life had to go on. Crawling through the portrait hole, and managing to make the climb look somehow dignified, McGonagall entered the Gryffindor Common Room. Shelia immediately turned to Lily with raised eyebrows, mouthing a question because it was decidedly uncommon for the head of house to visit unless something was on fire, and empty but for the two of them, the Common Room seemed decidedly peaceful that morning.

“Miss Marks. Miss Evans,” McGonagall said sharply. “Could you direct me to your fellow conspirators?”

“Our what?” Shelia asked confused.

“Don’t begin with me, Miss Marks. I’ll tell you that in all my years at this school, I have never been so outraged. Where are the others?” McGonagall barked.

Lily had to bite down on the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. “Umm, if you mean our dorm mates, I think they’re all still in bed.”

“This is how you choose to spend your truancy? Lounging about in the Common Room and taking a lie in? I have never…I expect both of you girls to still be here when I return. Trying to run will only make things more difficult for you.” McGonagall swanned off, up the staircase, leaving the two seemingly bewildered girls alone.

“What the fuck was that?” Shelia said, lost and wide-eyed.

Lily shrugged. “Dunno.”

It didn’t take long before McGonagall had corralled the rest of the girls, ordering them in a similar fashion to stay put in the Common Room while she returned for the boys. Alice was still wearing her pajamas – heavy flannel that was more conservative than anything Lily had ever owned. Marlene wailed about how McGonagall had dragged her from the bathroom while she was in the middle of brushing her teeth. That she’d been interrupted during her morning routine was obvious to the casual observer, as her hair was half-braided and she’d yet to hide the circles under her eyes.

The boys joined a minute later. Remus practically ran down the stairs as if McGonagall was chasing him, still clumsy and unsure on his feet from having just woken up. It was clear all of the Marauders were in a similar state. Not a one of them was dressed, though it appeared McGonagall had permitted Sirius to put on pants as he came down still buckling his belt.

From there, McGonagall marched them all to her office. Lily had to marvel at the empty corridors. It was really a wonder that McGonagall had been able to successfully quarantine the path all the way from Gryffindor Tower to her office. When it came to a little mischief, Hogwarts sure did know how to rally together. Behind her, the others whispered frantically, trying to guess what they could be called in for. From what Lily could gather, Sirius was struggling with too many options, while Mary was wracking her brain for a time in her life she’d ever done something to deserve such strong censure.

In preparation for their visit, McGonagall had added a few extra chairs to her office, so they were all able to sit, albeit in tight quarters. Never had Lily seen McGongall look so stern. It was like she was playing a parody of herself – a severe, career professor who had never seen any reason to break a rule in her life and could never possibly care for something as trivial as Quidditch. A big, fat lie essentially.

“Despite what you may all believe, I do remember what it was like to be young,” McGonagall began. “I don’t expect perfect attendance from all of my students, though some of you have exploited this leniency more than others –” her eyes flickered to James and Sirius – “that said, when I heard that all of you had chosen not to attend your first class this morning, I was outraged. The example you’re setting! And Head Boy and Head Girl as well! Do you have anything to say for yourselves?”

Throughout McGonagall’s lecture, the group had started to shoot confused looks at one another. Mary looked to be about one second away from checking McGonagall’s temperature to make sure she wasn’t suffering from a fever induced hallucination. Until McGonagall gave them the opportunity to defend themselves, however, none of them voiced their confusion until McGonagall yielded the floor.

It was James, unsurprisingly, who spoke up, “Erm, Professor, it’s Sunday.”

McGonagall rolled her eyes. “That’s the excuse you want to go with? That all of you just collectively forgot the day of the week?”

“No, it’s really Sunday. The twenty-second. Sunday. You know?” Sirius chimed in.

“Don’t insult my intelligence, Mr. Black. Normally, I’d only assign one detention for one skipped class, but as this appears to be a conspiracy and you insist on lying to me, I’m going to up it to three. Each of you will serve three detentions with me next week. Now off to your other classes,” McGonagall said, dismissing them. Only, none of them were ready to go anywhere just yet.

“Prongs, I think she’s lost it,” Sirius whispered far too loudly.

 “Wait! Wait! Wait!” Shelia cried.

“Professor, would you like me to accompany you to the Hospital Wing?” Mary offered.

Amidst all the bedlam, Lily said, “Hmm, maybe we did just forget. I wonder how that’s possible.”

No one reacted to her declaration, far too caught up in their own protestations, except for Sirius. Upon hearing her words, he came up short and stared at her for a long moment, assessing. Lily tried not to squirm in her seat.

“You think it’s possible we just, what, forgot all of Sunday?” Sirius asked.

“Well, McGonagall seems to think so,” Lily said a little uncertainly.

Sirius thought about her answer for another minute before he turned to McGonagall and announced, “Professor, this is all Evan’s fault.”

“What?” Lily shouted.

James kicked him. “Mate, what are you talking about?”

“Oh come on! She’s befuddled McGonagall. You can’t possibly expect us all to believe that we forgot an entire day – a weekend no less.”

“Why would I want to get detention?” Lily protested.

Sirius sneered. “Your stupid bet. I hope it was worth it. Cursing a professor’s got to get you a year’s worth of detentions.”

Lily turned to James, looking beseeching, hoping he’d refute Sirius’s (accurate) claims. James took one look at her face and cursed, “Fuck! You really are behind this aren’t you?”

“Language!” McGonagall reprimanded, but she was ignored.

The pretty obvious flaws in her plan were quickly becoming apparent. Lily wasn’t sure why she hadn’t predicted this little setback. In her imagination, her friends would have been overwhelmed by the evidence and begun to panic. They would have descended into chaos trying to determine how they could have all forgotten the day of the week. After several minutes of chaos, she and McGonagall would have conducted a dramatic reveal, and then had a good laugh at all their antics. Real life was biting her in the arse.

“Aspersions on my clarity of mind aside, I can assure you it is Sunday. I am not, Miss MacDonald, suffering from fever. I’m almost certain, Mr. Black, that I have not been cursed of late. It is Monday, October twenty-third, and these dramatic displays of yours are not going to do much to alleviate your punishment for skipping class this morning,” McGonagall said severely.

“I’ll prove it’s Sunday,” Remus volunteered. He stood up and made towards the door, before casting his gaze back to McGonagall as if seeking permission. “Um, I mean, let’s all take a trip to the Charms classrooms. If it’s really Monday, there should be a class in there right now.”

For some reason, McGonagall permitted this deviation from the plan. Silently, Lily walked towards her inevitable discovery. She was struggling not to pout at how everything had gone awry. Lily bet that James wouldn’t have wasted teacher assistance on such a stupid prank. Given the same opportunity, he’d have managed to pull off something legendary.

She’d really need to work on finding out a few of James’ flaws. They used to come so readily to her mind, but he’d grown a lot as a person in the past few years, and his vices were slowly disappearing. Even the arrogance that was still present had somehow transformed, no longer driving him to merciless cruelty but just a steady pride that showed in his every step. Not something Lily, a proud person herself, could really fault. Everyone had flaws though. You never fully outgrew them, and for her own sanity, she needed to know what James’ were.

He looked too perfect. Unlike Lily, he wasn’t pressed and neat. He was the very fabric of the universe, the chaotic tangle of matter that somehow came together to create something all the more beautiful for its messiness. The world had never been about order, and James understood that better than anyone.

They arrived at their destination quickly after that, which was good because Lily was pretty openly ogling the back of James’s head. (Mess like the creation of the universe? Honestly, her hormones were getting out of control.) McGonagall raised her fist to knock on the door, but James rather dramatically swung it open before her knuckles could land on the wood.

The triumphant moment he’d clearly expected was shattered when they saw what was inside. Sitting, all dressed in their school robes, were their classmates. They all looked up from their textbooks at the interruption, a few glancing at Flitwick, who stood upon a stool at the front of the room, as if for their cues.

“Ah, you found them. I trust they all had a good reason for being late to class this morning,” Flitwick said pleasantly.

Before McGonagall could answer, James had closed the door again, like he couldn’t bear to look upon the class a second longer. He leaned his back against the door and sank down partially. Body sagging against the weight of his surprise.

Lily didn’t have to fake her expression of shock. She’d no idea that McGonagall had prepared for such a contingency. That so many students had agreed to wake up early on a Sunday just to have a laugh was completely unexpected. As everyone was too busy shaking their heads in disbelief, only Lily saw the pleased smirk that briefly graced McGonagall’s face.

Looking almost hopeful, Alice asked, “Lily did you drug us or something?”

“I’d swear under Veritaserum, I didn’t do anything to you,” Lily said honestly.

As if his knees had given out, James sank the rest of the way to the floor. “I just don’t understand.”

McGonagall ordered them all back to her office. She would meet them there after she was done conferring with Professor Flitwick about their punishment. Really, Lily thought McGonagall just wanted to give them a chance to panic a bit longer. Once the door of the Charms classroom was securely shut behind her, she and the others involved in the prank would probably laugh so hard they upset their stomachs.

“It just doesn’t make sense,” James said for the hundredth time, an endless loop of disbelief that he’d kept up from the moment they started walking back to McGonagall’s office to now when they were seated and waiting.

“I’m going to puke,” Alice said faintly to herself, sounding as surprised by her weakness as her supposedly missing memories.

Most upset by the proceedings was Sirius. He sat brooding, brow drawn down heavily to make him look almost angry, and ignoring the speculation around him. When Marlene tried to take him by the hand, he rather rudely shoved her hand aside. With a sad, little quirk of her lips, Marlene slid to the side, closer to Mary, to give him some distance.

“We’ve got to convince McGonagall that none of this was intentional,” Remus said. “I’m happy to serve my detentions as I earn them, but I’m not about to accept this. We didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Good luck with that,” Shelia snorted. “We sound deranged.”

“Dumbledore might believe us,” Alice supplied helpfully. Her head was still tucked between her knees, fighting back the waves of nausea that had overwhelmed her at having her understanding of reality upheaved so suddenly.

“We shouldn’t bother Dumbledore with something like this. I don’t know why you guys are so upset about this. So we forgot a day, it’s not a big deal,” Marlene said calmly.

Given the chance, Lily never would have pegged Marlene as the girl would keep her calm in a crisis. Yet there she was, poised and collected while everyone else fell apart. Lily wondered how much it had to do with Mary sitting beside her. Everything seemed easier to face with your rock sitting by your side.

“Are you stupid?” Sirius snapped at Marlene. And it was a snap, all sharp teeth that appeared nerve-wrackingly animal in his open mouth. “This is an attack! If someone took the time to erase our memories, it’s because there was something worth erasing. For all we know, some Death Eater bastard tortured you last night. Maybe they murdered someone right in front of us, and this is how they’re covering their tracks. It’s not a fucking joke.”

Marlene paled and stared down at her hands.

Rationally, Lily supposed she could understand why Sirius was wound so tightly. His conclusion, while unexpected, actually made a lot of sense. Faced with the endless swirl of terrible scenarios that were probably circulating through his head in that moment, it made sense that he would lash out in a temper. None of that excused the fact that Marlene now looked on the verge of tears, and Mary’s knuckles had turned white as she clenched the armrests of her seat, and Alice’s threats that she might vomit had started anew.

“We’ll tell McGonagall we need to speak to Dumbledore first thing,” James said authoritatively. “Let’s not assume the worst with no evidence, but we need to be prepared for anything.”

The look he sent Lily’s way was masked but she saw the hint of fear there. Lily wanted to scream. This was all supposed to be a silly, little joke, but now she had James sitting there terrified out of his mind that some Death Eater had tortured her last night or something. Lily opened her mouth to dispel their worry, she’d let things go on long enough, but McGonagall cut her off by returning to the room.

“Professor Flitwick and I have decided on the appropriate punishment for you. We both agreed my previous idea of three detentions was inadequate,” McGonagall said, settling in front of them once more. James leaned forward to explain what they’d discovered, but McGonagall carried on without allowing the interruption. “We’ve decided to award seventy points to Gryffindor instead.”

“Wait…what?” Remus asked.

“Ten points for each of you for being such good sports this morning,” McGonagall said, smiling slyly. “I do so hope you enjoy the rest of your Sunday.”

Disorientation probably didn’t begin to describe how everyone was feeling. Lily almost wished she could experience it with them because she’d never had her understanding of reality manipulated and overturned like that before. The idea of McGonagall knowingly participating in a prank was even less likely than all of them forgetting about their Sunday, so it took a few moments for everyone to come to terms with McGonagall’s meaning.

“Why only seventy points?” Mary asked finally. “There are eight of us.”

“Well, Miss Evans is being repaid through this bet I heard you mention. Adding points seems like overkill,” McGonagall explained.

Darkly Sirius began, “You bi–”

“Language, Mr. Black. Don’t make me take your points back already,” McGonagall said quickly, and this time she wasn’t playing at being stern.”

The first person to break and begin laughing was Remus. It started as an ambiguous clearing of his throat but quickly he couldn’t hide it anymore. He leaned back in his chair and laughed at the absurdity of what had just transpired. James met his eyes for a half a second and then he was gone too, smiling madly at his mate. Still looking sick, Alice guffawed into her knees, murmuring about how she couldn’t believe Lily’s cheek. The others were quick to join. The room was soon a ruckus of laughter that even McGonagall joined in.

The only hold outs were Lily and Sirius. The latter didn’t appear to understand the humor in the situation at all and chose to show it by glowering darkly at his hysterical friends. Lily, seeing his anger, couldn’t bring herself to find it funny either. A joke wasn’t a joke if it upset someone. Even she knew that.

“I can’t believe you went along with this,” James breathed out, awestruck at McGonagall’s involvement.

“I owed you a little payback, Mr. Potter,” McGonagall said pleasantly. It made them all laugh even harder.

“Payback,” Sirius said, rolling the word along his tongue.

An unpleasant shiver crept up Lily’s spine. She didn’t like the way he said that at all.

 

Sirius left pretty quickly after McGonagall dismissed them. Lily had hoped to speak with James for a few minutes. Her morning had been such a whirlwind and she wanted to share all of the details with him – an impulse she hadn’t even begun to slog through – but James was out the door after his friend before she could. As funny as he’d found her prank, he hadn’t missed how on edge it had set Sirius.

There was no shortage of people who wanted to talk to her though. Namely, all of the girls who wanted to know just how she had pulled off something so brilliant. Unlike Sirius, they didn’t think her prank was a distasteful, upsetting thing. They loved it and had enough questions to make Lily’s head spin as she tried to sort through their clashing voices.

Lily was halfway to starved by the time she finally managed to extract herself from her friends. Her routine was a set thing, and her body wasn’t built for deviations like missing meals. Since the others all swore they could wait for the official lunch hour, Lily made her way to the Great Hall alone. Normally, breakfast was served from seven to nine, after which students were out of luck until lunch unless they knew where the kitchens were located. On Sundays, however, a few plates were left out – paltry options that could be eaten cold: oatmeal, apples, toast – until the noon lunch hour to keep the stragglers fed.

There weren’t many Gryffindors in the Great Hall when she arrived. Her eyes cast around for a friendly face. From across the hall, Sev waved discreetly at her. It was a summons.

They hadn’t spoken much since their spat in Potions last Monday. She’d been too busy to make time to see him, and, well, a part of her didn’t want to. Things hadn’t returned to normal between them like she’d hoped. Instead, interactions with him left her feeling stressed out and inadequate. He didn’t fit neatly into the life she’d built for herself.

The only time she ever actively longed for his company was when she was brewing. Her other friends kept her too occupied most other times to notice his absence.

Once, she’d thought that losing Sev would be like losing a limb. Something she’d had for so long going missing would be the kind of absence that itched and grated on her for years afterwards. If he’d ever been a limb, it turned out he’d been something non-functional and unnecessary like her little toe. Lily had survived, was surviving, the loss of her sister. Schoolyard friendships were paltry in comparison.

Still, Lily would have gone to sit with him. In a lot of ways, he was her anchor to home. His presence was once a comfort, and she longed for when it would be again.

He wasn’t, however, alone at the Slytherin table. Seated a ways down – far enough that they couldn’t be said to be eating together but close enough to hear every word exchanged by the other – was Nott. He’d noticed Sev wave at her. With a predatory smile, he gave a wave of his own. It was a challenge. _Come, be my entertainment_.

Lily felt sick.

A hand on the crook of her elbow made her jolt with surprise. There, steering her steadily away before she made a fool of herself by staring dumbly back at Nott, was Erik.

He gave her a tight smile. “Sit with me instead.”

In that moment, Lily could have crowned Erik her savior. Made obstinate by her pride, Lily could have easily marched over to join Nott. Even though she knew such a thing would end poorly. Despite her best attempts, she’d yet to win against Nott. The excuse that she was meeting Erik, let her ignore Nott’s challenge with her pride intact. She wasn’t running away, or, at least, she could pretend as much.

Lily’s hopes for a pleasant breakfast with Erik were immediately dashed as he opened with, “So, you and Potter have a nice time Friday?”

Boys and their territorial jealousy. Lily would never understand it. She didn’t feel the need to go chasing Rin around the castle, demanding answers about what she got up to with James. Yes, a small part of her seized up when she thought about the two of them together, but she found the jealousy manageable. Death would be preferable to letting James know how much it bothered her.

“It was lovely,” Lily said, buttering her toast with more care than was strictly necessary.

She hated being put into such a tight spot. The only way to satisfy Erik would be to dismiss her date as terrible. Then, he could preen and feel like a big man, comfortable in the knowledge that he could show her a better time. Downplaying how nice the date had been, however, would surely get back to James, and she valued what they had too much to risk it. She only hoped Erik didn’t start berating her at the table. Sev would have.

“Where’d you go?” Erik asked.

“Loads of places. Just around the castle, you know?” Lily lied. Vindictive, jilted lovers were the types who would turn you in for sneaking out. At least, she’d learned as much from the telly.

Erik sighed and took a moment to collect his thoughts. He was probably brainstorming all the synonyms for ‘whore.’

Finally, he said, “Lily, should I not bother wasting my time?”

“What?”

“I’m asking if you’ve already made a decision, and it’s not me,” Erik said simply. “I get it. I mean, everyone loves Potter. I’m not going to waste my time if I’ve already lost.”

Had she been less distracted, Lily might have taken Erik to task for his terminology. ‘Lost’ implied James had won. The prize or the game being Lily. She was no such thing and such metaphors were archaic and misogynistic.

The question he’d presented, however, was too important and required her concentration. Without a moment’s thought, Lily could say definitively that she’d rather be with James than with Erik. More telling, she didn’t want both. Even if they never made her choose (unlikely as that was), she would only want to see James.

The issue that made her hesitate was that Erik served as a kind of shield for her. Lily wasn’t ready to go steady with James and occasionally going on dates with Erik was her excuse. Without Erik to blame, Lily would have to explain to James what the holdup really was: _I’m scared. You’re everything. I’ll lose myself. Someone always has the power and with us it’ll be you._

Ultimately, Lily knew stringing Erik along just to avoid a conversation with James would be selfish. Erik deserved to find a girl who loved him, and James deserved a little honesty.

“I’m really, really sorry,” Lily said.

At her words, Erik slumped back in his chair. A part of him must have held out some hope. He was a confident bloke after all.

“It’s not you. It’s just –”

Erik held up a hand to stop her. “Don’t finish that sentence. It’s fine. We can stay friends, and just, don’t.”

The smacking sound of Lily munching on her toast stretched between them. She should have waited for the awkwardness to subside before taking a bite, but she’d been too nervous to think clearly. Now, all she could do was wait for him to speak, while trying to keep crumbs from dribbling out the sides of her mouth. Maybe if they did he’d feel better about her decision. He wouldn’t want to date such a slob anyway.

“Nott still giving you a hard time?” Erik asked finally to break the silence.

Lily grimaced. If making her dread the two days each week that she’d have to see him could be counted, then yes. Her stomach twisted remembering how sure Sirius had been that they’d all suffered a death eater attack. If they had, Nott would be the one to do it.

“He makes me feel powerless,” Lily admitted quietly.

Erik nodded sadly. “Potter must not know. Can’t imagine Nott would be up and walking if he did.”

Briefly, Lily toyed with the idea that opening up to Erik might be a poor decision. He appeared to be handling his rejection well, but Lily knew better than anyone that appearances could be deceiving. In Erik, however, she’d never seen anything but sympathy. Someone who genuinely understood her struggles and fears as a muggleborn. He’d done nothing to earn her distrust.

“James knows someone’s bothering me, but not who or any of the details. I don’t want him getting involved,” Lily said.

“Course not. It’s your fight. And he’s a pureblood,” Erik said, and it meant the world to Lily that she didn’t need to explain as much to him. “Potter understand your reasons?”

Lily shook her head. “He’s pretending to be over it though, so that’s something.

“So what are you going to do?” Erik asked, and Lily recognized that they’d returned to talking about Nott rather than James.

“I just don’t know. Normally bullies get bored if you don’t react, but that doesn’t work on him. He takes it as a challenge to become even viler. It’s like he’s obsessed with proving he can break me.”

Saying it out loud was terrible because the words rang true in her ears. Even after two weeks of lessons with him and lifetime of pureblood supremacist shite, realizing someone genuinely wanted to destroy her was still a shock to her system. Given the chance, Nott would rend her in two and laugh when her blood mingled with the dirt. She wasn’t sure a person could ever become accustomed to such cruelty.

“Can you ask Snape for help?” Erik asked contemplatively.

“Sev?” Lily said bewildered.

“Yeah, he’s your mate, right? And he has some pull with Nott. If he tells him to back off, he might.”

Sev would never, ever do such a thing. He would never risk the space he’d carved out amongst the Slytherins. Earning any respect as a half-blood kid who was frequently bullied by students from other houses, had been a brutal act of patience. Sev wouldn’t abandon all that hard work.

Lily could just picture how such a conversation would go. Sev would tell her that she was being too sensitive. It wasn’t like Nott was hexing her. And it wasn’t like Nott would listen to Sev anyway. Better not to try. To drive the point home, he’d remind Lily that she’d never been able to protect him from the abuse doled out by her housemates. It was a good argument. No amount of screeching from Lily had ever convinced James to lay off Sev, and James had fancied her at the time. Sev couldn’t be held responsible for his housemates’ actions either.

“Sev would never help.”

Lily was surprised by the acidic taste of bitterness that coated her tongue. Knowing Sev’s interference wouldn’t help didn’t seem to make a difference. She’d never stopped trying to protect him. Futile as it was.

Rationalizing, Lily knew Sev would step in, in his own way, if the situation ever became dire enough.  But he’d never openly defend her. He’d bargain with Nott or he’d find some other girl to take Lily’s place, just like Lily had done with Susan Kerns.

She wanted to throw the platter of toast across the room.

“Want me to kick Nott’s arse for you?” Erik offered.

“What? No!”

“I thought maybe it would be different with me since I’m muggleborn,” Erik explained.

It wouldn’t help. Lily knew that in addition to endangering Erik, such an act would mean Nott had won. Nott wanted her helpless, and getting someone stronger to fight her battles would be just what a helpless, little girl would do. Lily could appreciate that Erik would enjoy clocking Nott in the face, but if anyone would get that honor, it would be her.

“I have until Tuesday to come up with a plan,” Lily said slowly, “but I think it’s time I gave as good as I got. He can’t hurt me. Not in the middle of class. He wants, no needs, our arrangement to be a secret because if it gets out, I won’t be able to stop James from killing him, and the second he does something violent, I’ll report his sorry arse. So when he calls me a ‘worthless mudblood’ on Tuesday, I’ll call him an ‘inbred prick.’ See how he likes it.”

As far as plans went, Lily’s – retaliatory name-calling – was a little rough, a little lacking in nuance, but it was enough. Just knowing that she had a strategy made her perfectly clean blood thrum with anticipation. Come Tuesday, she’d be ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a lot of Jily, sad day. But the next chapter is a bit better.
> 
> Point of order, we’re returning to the two chapters per day format. I’d hoped to get through the rest of October in the one-chapter per day format, but there are just too many storylines that need to get wrapped up and necessitate more chapters. So next chapter will be a continuation of this Sunday.
> 
> Nice weekend!


	36. Oct 23: Part II

**Oct. 23, 1977**

The Head Students’ office wasn’t designed for guests. While Lily had succeeded in cramming all of her friends inside every week, it was furnished to seat two and was barely larger than a broom cupboard. Currently, it contained twelve students.

Standing in a half circle around the desk were the ten students who made up the Hufflepuff third-years. According to the petition they’d left in the drop box, a year-wide feud had broken out amongst them and all efforts to return things to rights had failed. The group could easily be broken into two categories: those who wanted peace restored to their dormitories and those who’d dug their feet into the sand and were ready for war. The latter could be identified by their crossed arms and petulant expressions.

Packed like sardines, Lily and James sat on the opposite side of the desk. Thighs melded together. Lily had been a third of the way through her Herbology assignment when James had found her in the library and told her about the need for the Head Students to act as impartial listeners. She’d wished James had possessed the presence of mind to tell her sooner, but she hadn’t berated him for it. The chance to fill James in on McGonagall’s Quidditch obsession (which he was sure to love), hadn’t yet presented itself, and Lily figured that she’d have the chance once they’d finished up with this last bit of business.

Lily wanted to open the proceedings, but per the bet, it was still James’ show. Emulating Dumbledore, James steepled his fingers and adopted an expression that was meant to look enigmatic but in Lily’s opinion made it look like James was staring into the sun, eyes squinted against its blinding rays.

“Friendship,” James proclaimed gravely, “is the backbone of our society. We are nothing without a friend with whom we can share our experiences. Like all valuable things, great friendships must be earned. They must be nurtured or they will wither away and die, like the most temperamental but beautiful of flowers. The first question you must ask yourself today is whether you have nurtured your friendships lately. Do you understand?”

A round of head bobbing met his question. Lily rolled her eyes. These kids might be impressed, but she knew enough to recognize James was talking out of his arse. Internally, he was probably rolling with laughter at his own theatrics.

“This is a safe space. I want you all to be perfectly honest with your feelings. Show empathy towards the feelings of others. Only by freeing our souls of judgment, will we find the serenity to nurture and grown our friendships,” James continued.

Lily was seconds away from excusing herself to find Professor Ames. This was the kind of hokey nonsense she lived for.

“Who would like to explain the cause of this conflict, this weed, which has invaded your garden of friendship?” James said serenely.

Lily’s heart sank to her knees as one girl began to explain the source of the drama. Beside her, the grin slid off James’ face. This was not the petty, adolescent nonsense they’d been expecting.

It all started when Lisa, a Slytherin, called Michael, one of the Hufflepuffs before them, a “mudblood in need of extermination.”  The nasty words had split the house right down the middle. All of them were quick to assure Lily that _they_ didn’t agree with Lisa and Michael was no such thing, but it wasn’t so simple as that.

See Lisa happened to be good friends with Karen and John. They’d grown up together, and theirs was the type of friendship that survived puberty and continued into old age. While Karen and John condemned Lisa’s words, they weren’t about to abandon such a meaningful friendship.

“Loyalty means standing by someone in good times and bad,” John told Lily earnestly.

Loyalty, as it turned out, was a tricky thing because Michael reckoned his housemates’ easy forgiveness of Lisa constituted a betrayal. By rights, he was the wronged party, so he deserved the sympathy. Adam and Riya, fellow muggleborns, agreed and had raised support throughout the house.

To complicate matters, the remaining Hufflepuff, third-year muggleborn, Patricia, thought the others were overreacting. She wanted everything to go back to normal as quickly as possible. Those that sided with Karen and John were using Patricia to rally behind, even though Lily got the impression that Patricia was mostly just tired.

“How can you expect them to just abandon a friend?” Joseph, a Lisa supporter, asked sharply. “Like Potter just said, we have to maintain our friendships.”

James blanched visibly and held up his hands defensively, but Riya steamrolled right over him. “Well, how can you call yourselves our friends if you don’t defend us?”

“We did defend him!” Karen cried. “We told Lisa to never say anything like that again!”

“Would you do anything if she did?” Michael challenged.

“Can’t we just forget about this? Their friendship with Lisa has nothing to do with us,” Patricia said, wrist pressed warily to her eyes.

Despite James’ demands for a safe space, tempers quickly rose. The same arguments were repeated again, this time with raised voices. None of them could see the validity in the others’ reasoning.

And each side did have a sympathetic point of view. Lily was uniquely situated as both a muggleborn and a friend of a Slytherin to see that. They were all so young. The war and the violence didn’t seem real to them yet. But someday it would. Then, they wouldn’t have the luxury of claiming neutrality. Neutral was the same as siding with the death eaters.

Lily started by addressing Patricia, cutting through the squabbling voices. They’d come to her for a resolution. Well, she’d give them one. “Patricia, you’re tired. I understand. This isn’t a fight that you signed up for, but Michael, Riya, and Adam didn’t either. They didn’t start this, and I think you know they’re not the cause. Even if you all never said another word about it, the problem wouldn’t go away.”

Patricia bit her lip as tears welled at the corner of her eyes. “I’m not angry with them –” she glanced at her fellow muggleborns, “– but maybe if they just didn’t argue back, Lisa and people like her would learn we’re not dirty. We shouldn’t give them a reason to hate us.”

Quietly, James muttered, “Oh shit.” He sounded every bit as heartbroken as Lily felt.

“That’s now how it works,” Lily said gently.

James swooped in before Patricia could argue. “My best mate comes from a family of people who hate muggles and muggleborns. You’ve probably heard about the Blacks, yeah? I’d kill for my friend. Die for him. Anything really, but if one day he started to spew that hateful filth, I’d be done with him. Just like that. See, the Blacks don’t hate muggleborns because they talk back or they did something to deserve it. They learn to hate muggleborns from the time they’re babies. Before they’ve even met one. Sirius made the choice to be different. We all have a choice, but once that choice is made, it’s over.”

“But maybe if we just –” Patricia began.

Once more, James cut her off. “Andromeda Black married a muggleborn. Ted’s about the nicest bloke around. He’s never done _anything_ to make the Blacks hate him, and they still disowned Andromeda, their own daughter, for it. No member of her family will ever speak to her again. It’s not based on you. None of you have _ever_ done something to deserve this hate. If you were the kindest person alive, they’d still despise you.”

Patricia promptly burst into tears. The group that defended remaining friends with Lisa looked distinctly uncomfortable at the loss of their only muggleborn support. Until she quieted down, Lily held Patricia’s little hand in her own. Once she was done, Lily suggested Patricia step outside for a moment. The girl was too fragile to hear the rest.

Lily and James shared a dark look. Neither of them fancied the confrontation that would happen next. As much as Lily pitied these mixed up kids though, she’d had enough of the spreading blood supremacist fuckery. Muggleborn kids deserved to have childhoods. They weren’t meant to be waging war.

“We forgive our friends when they make mistakes,” Lily began, earning a relieved smile from John. “But, only when they repent and learn from them. Do you believe Lisa’s learned that muggleborns are people deserving of respect or do you think she’s just learned not to call your friends names so you won’t be upset with her?”

John and Karen stared sullenly at the floor.

Lily turned to address the remaining muggleborns. “You three are so brave. What you’ve shown is enormous self-respect. You have the right to feel safe and cherished, and your friends should want to make you feel that way. I’ll tell you right now, if one of the girls in my dormitory became friends with someone who called me a mudblood, I would never forgive her. Our friendship would be over just like that.”

James cast an assessing look her way. She knew why. The image of Sev had flickered across her mind’s eye as she spoke. She wouldn’t forgive someone for befriending a pureblood supremacist, but she’d forgive the person who’d called her a mudblood himself. It made no sense, and Lily was in no position to provide James with the answers. She didn’t know them herself.

“Your real friends will stand by you because that’s loyalty,” Lily finished.

“But we do believe those things. This is so unfair!” John cried.

“Fair?” James almost snarled the word. “What’s unfair is that people are going to try to hurt these three for something they have no control over for the rest of their lives! That’s what’s unfair! The choice for you should be easy.”

“But –”

“No buts!” James jumped to his feet, sending the desk, not exactly a flimsy piece of furniture, sliding a few centimeters with his vehemence. “When Lisa joins up with Voldemort will you be so forgiving? What about if next time she murders Michael? What then?”

“James!”

Lily understood, God she did, but the purpose of this wasn’t to terrify these kids. The muggleborn Hufflepuffs shouldn’t have to contemplate the possibility that they’d be murdered. As satisfying and true as his outburst had been, they couldn’t lose their cool like that.

Holding his gaze, Lily waited until James regained his composure. Wearily, he sank back into his seat. All of his energy appeared to have been sapped away. She wanted to wrap him up in a blanket and promise everything would be okay until he believed her.

Tiredly and with a great deal more restraint, James continued, “No buts. You either believe in protecting your friends from bullies or you don’t. There is no in between.”

It was hard to say whether James’ words broke through to any of them. Some of the students certainly looked appropriately ashamed, but there was still that hesitation, that stubborn glint in John’s eyes that said he refused to really hear James’ words. Children their age, barely teenagers, didn’t yet understand how essential empathy was to survival. They struggled to see past the narrow confines of their own experiences and cares.

“We can’t tell you what to do. That’s not the point of this, but I can tell you, either way, you’re going to disappoint a friend. The question is whether or not you care about doing the right thing,” Lily said.

Bold words to direct at a group of Hufflepuffs. They weren’t like the members of her own house who would prioritize the pursuit of the right thing over all else. But Lily was sick of the Hogwarts houses and all their rhetoric. She was tired of how the students dismissed other virtues and oriented themselves based on what a hat told them they should value when they were eleven years old. You were meant to grow past who you were when you were eleven. Hufflepuff, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Gryffindor. They all had a responsibility to uphold what was right. Their houses didn’t change that.

Very quietly, Karen said, “I’m sorry, Michael.”

Hope bloomed in Lily’s chest.

John didn’t make any move to follow suit. None of the other dissidents did, but that even one had learned something today gave Lily hope for these kids. The world would never be fair but there was some justice. Sometimes.

After all the students had left, Lily laid her head on the desk, not caring that there was an ink smudge on one of the papers beneath her cheek that would probably smear all over her face now. Comfortingly, James began to massage the side of her neck. Draining didn’t begin to describe their first go at conflict resolution as Head students, but Lily was comforted by the fact that at least they had each other. In this they were partners. She didn’t have to handle everything alone.

“We going to talk about you and Snape?” James asked a minute later.

His fingers were clumsy but were still managing to work out a knot in her shoulder. She didn’t want him to stop. “No.”

“Alright,” James said easily.

He was lying, of course. He wanted to discuss it pretty desperately, but she appreciated that he wasn’t going to push her. She wasn’t ready for that.

“I bet I can make you feel so much better,” James crooned into her ear, and his hand dipped lower just brushing against the buttons of her shirt.

“I bet I can elbow you in the kidney so hard you pass out,” Lily said sweetly in return.

Laughing, James placed a quick kiss on the top of her head to let her know he’d just been kidding, which was good because her libido was nonexistent after the mess they’d just dealt with. Somewhere in the back of her head, Lily recognized that they weren’t hooking up and yet they were still cuddling – the kind of thing couples did, not casual snogging partners.

“Is Sirius okay by the way?” Lily asked, sitting back up fully in her seat so that she could look at him.

James instantly became cagy. “Why do you ask?”

“Because I clearly upset him with my prank this morning, and he was right. It was a stupid idea. I should have put two and two together and realized that people would jump to the worst conclusions. It was meant to be fun though,” Lily said.

“It _was_ funny,” James said firmly. “I still can’t believe you got McGonagall to go for that. I’ll deny it if you tell anyone, but you may have surpassed me.”

There was a time that would have made Lily cheer. Just then, she only had the energy to smile a little sadly.

“Just, let Sirius know I didn’t mean to upset him,” Lily said.

“He knows that. He’s not angry with you,” James sighed. He considered her for a moment, and Lily could sense he was debating whether or not he should open up to her. While James was fairly forthright with her about his personal feelings, he was as secretive as an Unspeakable when it came to his closest friends. It would mean a lot if James decided to tell her anything about Sirius’s feelings. Finally, he continued, “Sirius’s family is really messed up. They disowned him too. Not just Andromeda, which you probably already figured as it’s not exactly a secret he lives with me. Lately though, his mum’s been trying to get him to contact her.”

“Does he want to talk to her?” Lily asked, wary that just by interrupting James he might close down again.

James grimaced. “That’s the thing, I’m not really sure. I thought I was, but then Regulus…well, maybe I just see what I want.”

“I doubt that,” Lily said.

No two friends were closer than James and Sirius. She didn’t believe that James could misjudge something so important. James just shrugged. Whatever had occurred to make him doubt himself, it had affected him deeply.

“Anyways, Regulus spoke with Sirius the other day, and I guess the stuff he said…well, Sirius took some of it as a threat. He’s worried someone in his family could do something drastic to bring him back into the fold. When he thought we’d all been attacked, he worried it was because of him,” James said.

“God, that’s awful,” Lily replied.

Swallowing heavily, Lily processed what she’d just discovered. It was a terrible burden to bear, but then again, it wasn’t so different to how Lily and Marlene felt. Were the group to be attacked, it was every bit as likely that it would be to retaliate against the two of them for daring to exist without fear.

“I shouldn’t be telling you any of this,” James said wearily. “It’s none of my business.”

As much as Lily wanted to hear more, she didn’t push it. Long-term (and she couldn’t begin to believe that she was strategizing for a long-term with James), it was essential that she make peace with Sirius. Understanding him better could only help with that. Lily’s mother always said that in every person was a soul, and you could learn to love anyone if you gave them the opportunity to show their true selves. Given time, she could learn to love Sirius too. She would.

“Well, that got heavy,” James said cheerfully, trying to lighten the mood. “And here I expected this all to be a laugh. Why don’t you tell me how you pulled off this morning with McGonagall? That should be good for a chuckle at least.”

Glad for the chance to change the subject, Lily quickly filled him in on the proceedings of that morning. She explained the prank first, not providing any explanation of what she’d found in McGonagall’s room. Once they’d gone through the prank though, Lily circled back. In excruciating detail of what she’d found inside McGonagall’s bedroom.

James looked ready to pass out from happiness. He had a million questions about what she’d seen on the walls – Did she have every autograph from the Falcon’s 1969 team? How far back did her collection of _Quidditch Weeklys_ extend? Were there any photographs of the Croatian seeker, notorious for his desire for privacy? Lily, of course, was the wrong person to ask any of this, but she did her best to guess and describe what she’d seen inside.

“Blimey,” James sighed dreamily. “I always knew McGonagall was the best.”

“Sounds like you need a tour,” Lily said wryly.

“Merlin, do you think she’d show me?” James looked perfectly glazed behind his glasses, chin in his hands.

Would McGonagall show James her bedroom? Probably not.

Instead of pointing that out, Lily said instead, “It gave me an idea. Not a prank exactly, but it’s a bit of mischief, so I think it should count anyway. And I want you to help me with it.”

Wagging his finger teasingly, James said, “Now, now, Lily. The purpose of the bet is for you to accomplish these things on your own. You can’t come begging me for help.”

“You’ve never heard me beg.”

The minutes the words were out of her mouth, far too husky to pass for her normal voice, Lily regretted it. Her mouth clamped shut and she blushed scarlet, undeniable evidence that her flirtation had been just that. As her words registered in James’ brain, he swallowed heavily. Lily watched the bob of his throat, the way his adam’s apple quivered.

“What I meant to say is just that I think we’ll have fun if we do this together. It’s kind of right up your alley,” Lily squeaked out.

Recovering, it took James a moment to pull his mind out of the gutter to which she’d sent it and get him to return to the conversation, but when he did, he nodded. “Okay then, tell me.”

“We start an underground betting ring, where people place bets on who they think will win the Quidditch matches each season – The national matches not the Hogwarts ones. Too many possibilities for cheating – and then we distribute the profits accordingly,” Lily said.

“First of all, I’m in love with you,” James said, lips twitching and Lily smiled in turn. “Second, are you sure you want to start something like that? Illegal gambling will be taken a lot more seriously than a dung bomb in the dungeons. You could get in serious trouble for that.”

Lily frankly couldn’t say she was positive about her plan at all. The prospect of being brought up before Dumbledore for such a serious rule violation filled her with dread. There was no way she would be able to maintain her Head Girl position if she was found out.

The appeal of the plan, however, was too strong, and it was sitting right beside her. Since she’d first had an inkling of the idea, she’d wanted nothing more than to share it with James. Quidditch was something he loved dearly, and she didn’t mind that she existed separately from that. They both had their own interests as was healthy. She’d known the moment the idea occurred to her though that James would have so much fun with it, and, while fun wasn’t something he was necessarily lacking in, she wanted to provide him with a little bit more.

“We could do, like, a bracket system. That way, we’re only exposed when everyone submits their bets at the beginning of the season and at the end when we’re paying out,” Lily suggested.

James rubbed his jaw, considering. “The season ends over the summer, so that means we’d have to owl everyone their winnings, I guess.”

“Or we could just steal them,” Lily suggested in turn.

“Whoever said you were incorruptible never met me,” James grinned.

It quickly became imperative to Lily that they change the subject because she was in serious danger of leaning forward and licking the grin right off his lips. She was fast becoming annoyed because it seemed like just about every conversation with James was veering into dangerous territory lately. She wanted to be able to speak to him openly, honestly, about whatever was on her mind, but there were too many rules and barriers still existing between them. In a lot of ways, there were _more_ now that they were snogging. Resentment was starting to bubble up inside of her, made all the more toxic by the fact that she had no one to aim it at as it was hardly James’ fault that she’d said she wasn’t comfortable dating at the moment.

Stretching precariously backwards in his seat, James asked, “So we should do something fun again soon. That bar was a good time.”

“Only Sunday and you’re already planning for the next weekend,” Lily laughed. “You know there are five other days in the work worthy of your attention.”

“Hey, Evans, what’re the strongest days of the week?” James asked. His lips spread over his teeth to make him look positively cunning. “Saturday and Sunday. I don’t like the rest because they’re weak-days.”

Lily kicked him.

Not the brightest idea as he had leaned back on his chair so that only two of the legs were resting on the ground. Without the stability provided by the legs in the air, his chair began to topple backwards. Frantically, Lily reached out to try and steady him. James managed to throw one of his hands to the ground to stop the descent of the chair.

Lily began to laugh uproariously. His face in the moment when the surprise had first taken him, before his reflexes had kicked in to save himself, had been funnier than any joke he would ever manage to tell.

Stomach trembling from the laughter wracking through her, Lily was helpless to defend herself when James retaliated. Standing up, he grabbed the seat of her chair and tilted it backwards. Her weight settled against the very back of the chair and her legs lifted off the ground. If he released the seat, she’d be dropped, head colliding unpleasantly with the unforgiving ground.

“No! Please, ah, James put me back!” Lily pleaded, her voice gasping and breathless because she was still laughing even through her initial panic.

James played around with tilting her chair further back for a bit, smirking mischievously as if he might actually drop her. Lily wasn’t scared though. Not after the initial shock. She knew the only way he’d allow her to hit the ground was if he lost his grip accidentally.

When he finally set her right, Lily felt rather dizzy. That they couldn’t stop their mutual giggling for another five minutes didn’t do much to return the blood to her head either.

Finally, after a number of pointed coughs, Lily felt composed enough to say, “Yeah, we should do something fun again.”

“I was thinking maybe a movie. Sneak into a muggle town, catch a film. Sirius says they’re still playing _Star Wars_ in a couple of theaters. Did you catch that over the summer? We thought it was bloody brilliant,” James rambled.

Lily nodded. “Yeah, it was pretty good.”

“We could go see it again anyway. I’ll buy you popcorn. Hold your hand during the trash compactor scene,” James leered a bit. “There’s a lot you can get up to in a dark theater.”

Lily’s mum would have had a field day with that line. She’d always warned Lily against going to the movie theater with boys for just that reason. Not that Mrs. Evans would approve of Lily and James’ relationship in the first place. Lily grinned at him. Oh no, they were far past that.

“The six of us should be able to take the Knight Bus again, and if we choose a place close by, it should take us only a few minutes to arrive at a theater,” James said.

The smile slid right off Lily’s face. “The six of us?”

“Yeah.”

Lily wished she could reign in her face before it gave away her feelings on that proposal. Typically, she was pretty skilled at masking how she felt. Lying to James was harder. Or maybe it was just that she was still light-headed from being dipped half-way upside down. That was more likely. Either way, she couldn’t quite manage to hide that the prospect of another triple-date didn’t delight her.

“What’s wrong?” James asked, brow furrowing. “You don’t want to go? Is it Dahlia? She’s a nice girl. I didn’t realize you had a problem with her.”

“No, Dahlia’s fine. Lovely,” Lily said a little faintly.

“Then, what?”

She didn’t want to tell him the truth. They were friends now, yes, but that only extended so far, and Lily knew he was going to think she was being ridiculous. Hell, Lily was already half-convinced of that herself. He wasn’t going to care, and worse, he was going to patently disagree with her.

A part of her must have been desperate to share, however, because against her better judgment, Lily blurted out, “Well, Sirius isn’t exactly kind to Marlene, is he?”

Regret was a funny thing. Lily realized that the regret threatening to choke her once the words were out of her mouth wasn’t a result of wishing the words had never been aired between them. Rather, it was all about the result. If James had nodded along and agreed with her, Lily would have been perfectly satisfied with her impulsive decision to share her feelings. As it was, his response left much to be desired, and Lily wanted to kick herself for being such an idiot.

“You don’t like Sirius,” James said, a sigh on his lips. He said it like it was an inevitability, but no less an annoyance.

“I don’t _dis_ like Sirius,” Lily said, even though she internally questioned whether or not such a claim was true. “He was fun Friday, honestly…but I don’t like the way he talks to Marlene sometimes, like he takes her for granted. I mean, we’re not even dating, and you’re sweeter to me. He’s her boyfriend. He should be gentle with her.”

Lily had the distinct impression that James was tuning her out. The words were only gliding through his mind. He didn’t want to _hear_ her. Not really.

“Like this morning when he called her stupid,” Lily said.

“That’s just how Sirius talks,” James grunted. He wasn’t looking at her as he spoke. “He’s called me a lot worse.”

“But you’re different. You know that he doesn’t really mean it, or at least, what he really thinks of you besides that. Marlene’s sensitive when it comes to what other people think of her. As her boyfriend, he should know that,” Lily argued.

James was silent for a beat, and Lily really began to think he was considering her words. But then he turned to her with a tight smile and said, “So, we can just go the two of us. I’m not going to inflict Sirius on you.”

“I’m not saying I can’t stand to be around him. Maybe you could…” At James’ raised eyebrows, Lily forced herself to finish her sentence. “Maybe you could talk to him. Let him know to be careful just with how he talks to her.”

The fake smile he’d been sporting disappeared entirely. James couldn’t even pretend after that. She’d overstepped. She’d known it was an overstep before she had started. Had known that the conversation was going to lead to this outcome from the beginning. It was in defense of a friend though, and Lily wasn’t sure she could be truly faulted for that. If the tables were turned, James wouldn’t hesitate to intervene to protect Sirius from Marlene. She hoped James could see that for himself, but loyalty could be blinding. They’d only just proven that.

“I’m not saying you should go and yell at him or anything,” Lily said hurriedly. “He should want to do it. I mean, if he cares about Marlene, of course, he’d want to know if he was inadvertently hurting her, right? It would be like a favor. I’d do it myself. Only he doesn’t much like me, and he’d probably just ignore me. He doesn’t ignore you though…”

“Sirius is going to do what Sirius is going to do,” James said wearily. Warily. “Just don’t meddle, alright?”

Lily bit her lip and nodded. She’d never really thought he was going to help. Nothing would be gained by arguing.

Now if only something could be done for the coil of embarrassment in her gut.

“We can all go see a movie together sometime. It’s fine. I was just being silly,” Lily said. After all, talking wasn’t allowed in movie theaters.

She gave him her most beatific smile. It was an apology. Lily was genuinely sorry for having brought it up, but she figured this was a much needed reminder of a lesson Sev had taught her a long time ago. Never ask them to choose. You won’t like what they pick.

The tension remained for a few terrible seconds. Then, James mussed up his hair – the habit so familiar that it transformed into something comforting – and Lily felt her shoulders dip down and relax.

She kissed him, maybe still a little apologetic. It was nothing like their normal kisses. The heat wasn’t there. Her desire, that ever present monster that had possessed her mind, body, and soul, didn’t make an appearance. She was kind of thankful for it as her day was too busy to fit in a snog, even as she worried over what its absence indicated.

When James tapped his nose against hers, the move almost sticky-sweet, it went a long way towards making Lily feel better. She could live with James being irritated with her. In fact, she’d done it so many times before that she should be bored of the sensation of being disliked. Once she’d had a chance to reason through it a bit more, she was sure the panicky beat of her heart would quiet down altogether.

“Want to walk me back to the Tower?” Lily asked, no evidence of her worries in her voice.

Like a gentleman, James even carried her books for her.

They walked through the corridors, side by side, and that awareness of him she’d developed – the one that made her chest tighten when he stood behind her; a beacon whenever he entered a room – flew into overdrive.

That they were snogging was bound to become the worst kept secret in Hogwarts if they kept this behavior up. They were walking too closely together. The normal boundaries that people established to maintain their personal space were utterly abandoned. With every step, Lily could feel James’ sleeve brush against her forearm.

Her hand flexed at the knowledge that his lay within such close reach. It would be the easiest thing in the world – physically at least – to just reach out and snag his, to take the final steps back to Gryffindor Tower with their hands wound together. If they were dating, she wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Those were the kind of perks that an official relationship guaranteed.

Not that holding James’ hand would be all that great. The bloke never stopped fidgeting, so his hands were probably soaked through at all times. Plus, he walked a beat faster than her, which was only to be expected with his freakishly long legs. Were they to start wandering about hand in hand, she’d probably be dragged along behind him like a rag doll, unable to keep up with his gargantuan strides. Really, she was better for the freedom.

Her hand remained tensed.

They were passing by the cupboard on the third floor when they heard a bevy of giggles and frantic shushing coming from behind the closed door. As prolific a snogging spot as Hogwarts had ever seen in its history, there was very little doubt what was taking place on the other side. Lily froze outside the door.

“Do you think we should do something?” Lily whispered.

James who hadn’t realized Lily had stopped walking and had continued on obliviously, turned around to look at her. “Why?”

“Well, it’s kind of our job,” Lily said.

“But it’s not past curfew.”

“Inappropriate physical contact is forbidden during all hours.”

“Are you going to write us up, then?” James retorted. His expression grew devious. “Or is it just that you want to take their place? We could always find our own little nook.”

Lily shoved away his arm before he could start. He chuckled at her blatant refusal. All the same, Lily relented and they resumed their walk down the corridor. They were just about to round the corner when the occupants of the broom cupboard came stumbling out, and Lily couldn’t resist her curiosity. Peeking back, she gasped at what she saw.

Dahlia and Michael Sterns were emerging from the cupboard together. As much as Lily would have liked to make excuses – They were caught up in a game of hide and seek? Peeves had knocked them into the cupboard and locked it? The library was too loud and the cramped closet promised a more quiet work environment for a partner project in Potions? – it was impossible to ignore that Dahlia’s lips were red and wet and Michael’s hair had been incriminatingly mussed.

For a split second, Lily saw them while James didn’t, and she wondered what she should do. Lily wasn’t sure that James would care about the sight before them. He’d just made known his opinion on meddling. The knowledge that Dahlia was cheating on Remus would only put him in the uncomfortable position of choosing between interfering and keeping a secret.

She needn’t have worried. One look at James’ face contorted with rage as he processed the situation was enough to confirm that James cared and then some. Lily almost wanted to lift up the hair that fell over his ears to see if steam was pouring out of them. It wasn’t the angriest she had ever seen him – that dubious honor was still reserved for when he found out she was being harassed last week – but it was pretty damn close.

His feet started moving before he’d come up with the words needed to confront the illicit couple. Only after he’d crossed half the distance between them in four enormous strides did he shout, “What the hell is this?”

Amazingly, Dahlia hadn’t noticed them until that second and she jumped guiltily at the call, hand springing to her neck in surprise. Lily would have thought that cheaters were more adept at remaining covert. At least Dahlia had the shameless part down pat. After her initial shock, she managed to reign in her reaction. Jutting her chin out aggressively, she adopted a stance that showed not one hint of an apology. She looked like a bunny rabbit battling a tiger and confident it would win.

Stunned, Lily tried to reconcile her perceptions of Dahlia – a girl so sweet she’d walk down five flights of stairs to release a spider on the school grounds rather than kill it – with the uncaring heartbreaker before her. Once a cheater, always a cheater was a maxim for a reason. Yet, Lily had fallen for that oft told fairytale. The one where the cheaters had been swept up by a wave of love so strong they couldn’t be expected to resist. The truth was a lot uglier.

“This is none of your business,” Dahlia said and while her posture remained strong, the shake in her voice was telling.

“None of my – it may not be mine, but it sure as hell is Remus’s,” Dahlia winced at James’ words, “And you can bet I’ll be telling him all about how his girlfriend’s a cheating slag.”

“I’m not cheating,” Dahlia said.

“Don’t offend me by trying to play this off. I’m not going to buy that you fell in the closet and Sterns was just helping you up.”

“No, we were necking in the closet,” Dahlia said fiercely. “But Remus and I broke up, so that’s really none of your concern.”

“You and Lupin called things off?” Michael Sterns asked curiously.

Lily was exceedingly grateful that she’d never gone on their date to Hogsmeade.

James must have been of the same mind because he took a threatening step forward. “So you were feeling her up while thinking she was still with my mate?”

“Hey, now, let’s not go mental,” Michael said, hands raised placatingly in front of him.

For Lily, Michael’s ignorance wasn’t particularly noteworthy. “Horny Teen Boy Will Shag Other Bloke’s Girl” was so universally accepted that the _Hogwarts Daily Mail_ wouldn’t run it as a headline, and that publication thrived off the salacious. No, Lily was far more caught up by Dahlia’s announcement. Less than two days ago, they’d looked perfectly infatuated with each other. It was hard to imagine how all that could have crumbled so quickly.

“Moving a bit fast, aren’t you?” James said without much bite.

He was still angry; Lily could see it in the line of his jaw. With the revelation that Dahlia wasn’t cheating, however, it was clear James didn’t know where to channel his anger. Dahlia remained the obvious target, but without knowing the details of what happened, it was difficult to go on the attack.

“He didn’t even tell you we broke it off. Clearly, Remus isn’t too upset about it either,” Dahlia replied thickly.

Silence was possibly more damning. Lily thought Remus must have been pretty broken up to hide it from even his friends. She wracked her brain for any signs that Remus had been out of sorts that morning. He’d been tired, but that was hardly atypical for him. Logical, controlled, steady in a crisis. He’d laughed loudly as anyone at her prank. There’d been no clues that anything was amiss.

“I just remembered, we promised we’d meet Alice in the Common Room to exchange Transfiguration notes,” Lily lied, tugging at James’ sleeve. “We’d best not keep her waiting. It was…nice – er – to see you both.”

Lily dragged James’ unprotesting body away. Ignorant of the facts, there was nothing they could do to help Remus. By confronting Dahlia, James could make the situation – whatever it was – irreparably worse. Better to regroup and avoid any heated words. If there was one thing Lily knew for certain, it was that once said, you couldn’t take your words back.

Halfway back to the Tower, James finally broke the oppressive silence that had built around them by saying, “She better not have – I mean – what kind of girl is snogging someone else the day after she breaks up with her boyfriend? Blimey, we don’t even know when they split. It could have been an hour ago. That has to mean she already had Sterns lined up on the side. Right?”

“I don’t know…”

Sterns had certainly seemed surprised by the news that Remus and Dahlia were no more. Proper cheating etiquette, Lily assumed, would have been for Dahlia to rush straight for her lover and share the news. Then, victory snogging could commence. If they were conducting a secret affair, they were going about it all wrong.

“And Sterns! Biggest wanker I’ve ever met. I swear when Sirius and I are done with him,” James grumbled.

Lily had to supply the password to the Fat Lady because she didn’t trust James, ranting and raving as he was, to manage it. The Common Room was packed full. There appeared to be some kind of house chess tournament taking place. Lily wasn’t surprised to find Mary at one of the stations, thoroughly routing her competition if the number of enemy pieces she had neatly stacked beside the chess board was anything to go by.

Despite all of the commotion, Sirius managed to push his way through the crowd and find them immediately. He gripped James by the shoulder and said, “I just gone done talking to Moony and was coming to find you. You’ll never believe what that bitch has done.”

So the news was beginning to spread. Considering the drama she’d already witnessed (participated in, instigated) that day, Lily slipped away to leave the two to sort through what had happened. Besides, six years of school had taught her that the Marauders liked to close ranks whenever something scandalous happened. (It had been almost impossible to get near them the first month of school after Sirius had ran away.) They’d want to be alone now.

Upstairs, Lily found the rest of the girls, which was a bit of a shock. Shelia was never one to sit still on a weekend. The three of them had managed to sprawl out enough to fill the entire room. On the floor, Alice lay on her back, throwing a ball into the air and then catching it with the other hand. Marlene had commandeered Lily’s bed in addition to her own, scattering her books and study materials across both mattresses. Needle held between her teeth, Shelia appeared to be in the middle of hemming a skirt.

“I’m surprised you’re not downstairs cheering on Mary,” Lily said, addressing Marlene. “She appears to be winning.”

“I was told – no ordered – to finish my homework, and then I could watch. Honestly, Mary thinks she’s my mother sometimes,” Marlene said, pulling a face.

“Trust me, Mary definitely doesn’t view you that way,” Lily said a bit hysterically.

“Whatever,” Marlene grunted, burying her nose in her notes once more.

Lily took a moment to soak in the sight of Alice so casually hanging out with them once again. Their friendship was so natural. Sometimes, Lily forgot that all wasn’t forgiven yet. For such a bulky girl, Alice fit rather seamlessly into their lives.

For that reason (and because Marlene still occupied Lily’s bed), Lily joined Alice on the floor. Casually, she began to fill them in on the gossip of the day. Namely, the dish on Dahlia and Remus, a subject guaranteed to arrest all their attention. Even Alice who claimed to be above gossip took a bitter interest in the downfall of others’ relationships.

“James had just been talking about doing another triple date, too, but I guess now that’s off,” Lily said.

“No!” Marlene pouted. “That was fun.”

“You can still go. Just find another couple. Say, me and my beau,” Shelia suggested.

Lily shook her head and teased, “It would never work. See, we’d learn who he was on our date, and then your secret boyfriend would be no more. Unless you plan to put a bag over his head, which I don’t recommend. He may find it hard to enjoy the movie if he can’t see.”

“Ha ha,” Shelia said drily. “And here I was going to finally tell you who he was. I guess I’ll just keep it to myself now.”

Knowing Shelia would need her to beg in order to feel important, Lily did just that. Shelia lapped up the attention, practically preening when Marlene joined in as well.

Finally, Alice barked, “Just spit it out already.”

Shelia smiled widely enough to split her face. “It’s not a match I ever would have considered, but he’s my everything. So wonderful and fit and loving…”

“Oh! Is it Faraj Shafiq?” Marlene guessed eagerly.

“No.”

“Oh, I just thought he may be a Slytherin since you met at that party,” Marlene explained.

“Well, you’re right on one count,” Shelia said happily. “I’m dating Preston Nott.”

Lily would look back on all her conversations with Shelia these past few weeks and wonder: had the first trickle of dread, of knowing, been there from the first time Shelia mentioned her mystery boyfriend? It was hard to say because hindsight was a powerful thing. Lily would replay those seemingly innocent conversations and see the shadow in the room had always been there. But that was for another time.

In that moment, Lily was trapped. Such a horrible revelation should have sent her mind racing, but in fact, it did the exact opposite.

Lily had never felt so present. It was like her senses had sharpened a hundred-fold so that she could perfectly capture every detail of the scene. Here was a moment Lily wanted to escape and certainly didn’t want to remember, but every detail was ingrained in her memory. She could feel her brain permanently cataloguing the scene.

How her robes hung heavy and restricting off her shoulders. For stone, the floor was oddly warm. The fire burning hot downstairs, spreading heat throughout the tower. The lights from the torches were harsh, unnatural. Nothing like the soothing glow of the sun. The room that had always seemed perfectly sized for five was too small. They were living in a doll’s playhouse.

Under the weight of all these sensations, Lily couldn’t process Shelia’s announcement. With everything else so clear, Lily could make out that Shelia’s serene expression had cracks. Shelia didn’t expect her news to be easily accepted. Lily was in no position to accept anything, she was so overwhelmed. Luckily, Alice reacted for her.

“Red-haired, seventh-year Slytherin, Nott?” Alice clarified.

Shelia giggled, Lily had never noticed how hollow the sound of laughter could be. Shelia said, “Obviously, it’s not like there are two of them.”

“He’s a bloody death eater!” Alice exploded.

“He is not,” Shelia said, rolling her eyes. “We’re in school. It’s hardly like either side is recruiting teenagers.”

“Fine, he _wants_ to be a death eater. Like, how shallow are you? He hates muggles and muggleborns!” Alice spat.

Like all of this was an odious chore, Shelia sighed. None of what Alice had just said had penetrated her mind. Lily couldn’t blame her as she’d also struggled to listen. She was too distracted, wondering when she’d stopped fitting insider her skin. The not-quite itch of discomfort had to signal that her skin was about to shed like a snake, revealing what lay beneath: all of the blood and marrow and soft, fleshy bits that felt like they were being assaulted over and over ever since Shelia first said that wretched boy’s name.

“I hardly expected you to be happy for me,” Shelia told Alice coldly.

It was that, seeing Shelia cut into Alice who had done nothing wrong, that brought Lily back to life. Not that coming to was much of an improvement. Lily instantly longed for the shocked numbness because what was taking its place felt like a dam unleashing.

“He’s a monster,” Lily gasped out, and her voice sounded all wrong. “Do you have any…any idea what he calls me? What he says to me? I’m…”

The oscillation between hot anger and the incomparable iciness of heartbreak had her on the brink of hyperventilating.

“None of that’s real, Lily,” Shelia said gently, pleadingly. “Some of his opinions are a bit…rough, but that’s not who he is as a person, and I’m sure I can talk him around.”

“No,” Lily said quietly, and then louder, “No! That’s not, no!”

All those Hufflepuffs flashed in her mind. The surety with which she’d told them to choose self-respect above all else. The recalcitrance of the purebloods that wouldn’t see reason.

“He hurts me, and he likes it. Says awful, awful things about my family, about Marlene. All because we have muggle blood. How can you not care about that?” Lily demanded.

“I do care,” Shelia took her hand. Too sickened by what she was hearing. Lily didn’t tear it away. “But I love him.”

“You selfish bitch,” Alice growled.

Brokenly, Lily murmured, “How can you do this to me?”

Something about the combination seemed to send Shelia over the edge. Gone was her expression of persuasive worry. Now she looked mean, hard. Her glare was first levelled at Alice, but when she turned and spoke, all her venom was for Lily.

“The best thing that’s ever happened to me, and you go and make it all about you. And, somehow, I’m the one that’s called a selfish bitch. You just can’t stand the fact that you’ve lost for once. Maybe everyone wants to be your friend and you have half the boys in love with you and the professors besides. So what? This time I won. Preston loves me. Utterly and completely, he loves me, and best of all, he doesn’t want you. Sorry someone’s not obsessed with you for once. Now you know how the rest of us feel.”

When she finished, Shelia was breathing heavily. Her speech had taken a lot out of her, but it was nothing compared to what it had taken from Lily. The last of her innocence. Her best friend. Everything, or so it felt.

Lily sank further along the floor. Maybe she was losing the joints in her knees along with her skin.

“Get the fuck out.”

The almost inaudibly hissed words came from Marlene. Everyone glanced over at her surprised. Amidst the drama, it had been easy to forget she was there.

“I said, get the fuck out!” This time Marlene screamed the words accompanied by a rather wild-eyed snarl in Shelia’s direction.

“Fine, I’ll see you later tonight. Hopefully by then you three will have cooled down a bit,” Shelia said loftily.

“Oh hell no,” Alice said. In that moment, she positively loomed over Shelia. It was a pretty stark reminder that no matter how big she carried herself, she was still a tiny thing. “You’re not coming back later. McKinnon means get out for good.”

Shelia scoffed. “You can’t kick me out. Our dormitory’s assigned.”

“I don’t care. I’m not letting you within ten meters of Lily. Pack a bag and get the fuck out.”

“That’s nice of you, Alice,” Marlene said with false cheer. “I wouldn’t have let her pack a bag of slag clothes.”

“I’m staying here,” Shelia announced loudly.

“No, you’re fucking not,” Marlene snapped, “Which, hey is exactly what you’re doing: fucking Nott. See what I did there?”

Leaning in so that Shelia would be forced to make eye contact, Alice continued on in the coldest voice Lily had ever heard, “You’re out. We’re not your friends. We’re not your roommates. Hell, we’re not even your fellow Gryffindors. Far as I’m concerned, you’re a surrogate snake now. You’re going to stay far away because if you don’t, I _will_ hurt you. And then when Mary finds out what you’ve done to Marlene she’ll hurt you. Then, I reckon Black will hear and want his turn. And then, finally, there’ll be Potter to answer to. So, unless you want to learn how hard it is to shag in the Hospital Wing, you’ll keep far away from us. Because if you come back, I’m going to make you a permanent spot there with Pomfrey.”

Shelia took several reflexive steps back, pausing in the doorway.

Sweet as pie, Marlene said, “Oh, and when you see Mary downstairs, will you send her up? You can have a nice, long chat first. After all, it’s the last time she’s ever going to speak to you.”

Shelia glanced between all of their faces. Whatever reaction she’d expected, it had not been this. No, it was more than that. Lily could practically see the heat of the moment slip away. In its wake, Shelia looked shell-shocked. Beyond just their reactions, Shelia was also stunned by the ugliness, the vehemence of her own words.

At Shelia’s terrified expression, Lily wanted to reach for her. It was instinct. But she wouldn’t be the one to comfort Shelia. Not anymore.

Only after Shelia left, slamming the door shut, did Lily realize she was crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uggghhh I like this chapter but it’s so draining :(  
> I’ve had an awful week (work, friends, family, the whole shebang), so please review so that at least my ego is stoked and I have one good thing in my life.  
> Have a safe & happy Halloween weekend!


	37. Oct. 24: Part I

**October 24, 1977**

Seeing a bevy of smiling faces at breakfast seemed almost apostate. Ignoring the obvious fact that no student ought to be happy on a Monday morning with the promise of classes looming over their backs, James was mostly just surprised that everyone else’s lives hadn’t gone to shit that weekend. Looking at his friends, not a one had gotten out unscathed. Irrationally, James had assumed it was some kind of curse that had struck all of Hogwarts. A glance to his left or right was all it took to prove that was hardly the case.

He knew for a fact that something major had gone down with the girls yesterday. On his way down for his pre-breakfast workout, James had encountered Alice and Mary. They were in the process of piling high one of the chairs in the corner with a mountain of clothes, books, and assorted personal items. Blatantly, not even hidden, James had spotted some female hygiene products amongst the press-on nail kits and stacks of magazines. When James had asked them what they were up to, they had darkly informed him that Shelia would be needing her things and they would hex her blind if she tried to enter their room ever again.

During his jog, his mind had run rampant with the possibilities of what crime could be so severe as to warrant banishment. He would be on the lookout for that Ian bloke Mary was dating. There was a good chance he’d find the fool had been messing around with Shelia, the pretty, flighty friend. Tale as old as time. It was always over a guy.

The sight of Bernie impatiently waiting for him to begin their workout hadn’t even been enough to jostle him into a better mood. Everyone was just too out of sorts to go about his business as if nothing had happened.

“I just think,” Sirius said, sitting sprawled across the bench so that he took up thrice as much space as a single person needed, “That we ought to do something to celebrate.”

“People don’t celebrate breaking up with their girlfriends,” Remus said a tad crossly.

“They do when they realized what a slag their girl was. Honestly, it’s like dodging dark magic. Isn’t it, Prongs?” Sirius said.

James was inclined to agree. The facts, as far as Moony would share them, appeared to be that after their fight on Saturday night, Remus went to sleep believing his relationship with Dahlia to be strained but salvageable. Before noon the next day, he would learn that Dahlia was of the opposite opinion. By dinner, she’d be caught snogging another bloke in a broom cupboard.

In short, James was prepared to declare that he hated Dahlia Reynolds. The details of her fight with Remus remained hazy as Remus wasn’t ready to talk, though James gleaned it had something to do with Remus having “a cavalier mindset about our future” or whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. What was crystal clear though was that Dahlia had been the one to chuck his best mate.

Of the universal truths that James had come to accept, Remus doesn’t date was one of them. Remus had already accepted that he was in for a lifetime of loneliness because in spite of all their best attempts, he’d never believed someone could learn to love him. Not after they learned the truth. Him opening up to Dahlia was monumental. As unlikely as it had been, Remus had fallen in love with James’ girlfriend and then pursued what he wanted. As much as their relationship had meant to Remus, that was how little regard Dahlia must have held for it though.

“I do not want to celebrate being dumped,” Remus said a little hotly. “Do not throw me a party. Do not plan any congratulatory drinks. No setting me up with other girls. No gifts. No lifting me up on your shoulders and starting a cheer. No announcements. I want you to act like this is just a normal day of the week.”

“Well, damn, Remus. You’re not giving me many options here,” Sirius frowned.

“If you’re feeling restricted, I know I’m doing something right,” Remus said.

Remus’s desire to treat that day as a perfectly normal matter of course was going rather well. He at least looked the part. In fact, he looked pretty good. Enough days had passed since the full moon that he’d started to regain some color to his cheeks and his eyes were shining a little brighter. He looked awake and no worse for wear for having survived Dahlia’s crusade of heartbreak.

James, of course, didn’t buy it for a second, but he would allow his friend his illusions.

“I promise that I won’t try to make you celebrate your fortuitous escape,” Sirius vowed solemnly.

For a second, Remus looked satisfied and then his eye twitched. “And no going after Dahlia. Just leave her alone.”

“Damnit!” Sirius shouted, effectively circumvented. “Why the hell not? It’s not like I’m going to attack her. Maybe just a hair-growth charm, something to remind her who she’s messed with.”

“Unless you want to wake up in the middle of the night to see me standing over you with a beater’s bat, ready to club you to death, you’ll bugger off,” Remus said darkly.

“Wait, a second, are you sober right now?” James asked, amazed.

Distance from the full moon wasn’t what had Remus looked so alert and bright-eyed. He hadn’t smoked his usual morning blunt. James couldn’t recall the last time Remus had foregone the comfort. Hell, by breakfast, he was usually onto his second. The man scorched his lungs like he thought they were made of ice in need of a thaw. Choosing to be sober on Monday morning was something deserving of comment.

“What of it?” Remus asked grouchily.

James asked mostly because smoking kept Remus relaxed. High, he couldn’t tap into that boiling spring of anger that always brewed in the pit of his stomach. Taking up marijuana had done wonders to keep Remus out of arguments with everyone around him. With more to be frustrated at than ever, James wasn’t pleased to realize Remus was trying his hand at living in an unaltered reality.

On the walk to DADA, they let Remus stay a few steps ahead so that he could have the satisfaction of feeling like he’d stormed off without actually leaving them behind. The crowds of students parted easily, sensing the violence behind his determined steps, the click of his boots echoing like a warm drum.

Quietly so that only James could hear, Sirius said, “He only said to lay off Dahlia. Nothing about Sterns, yeah?”

“Definitely,” James said. If Remus wanted them to leave Sterns alone, he should have thought to add it to his list of banned behaviors. Besides, what he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him. (Not that whatever vengeance he and Sirius chose to enact on Sterns would remain secret for long.)

The first thing that James noticed when he entered the DADA classroom was that Lily was absent. This spoke volumes about the pathetic depths his obsession had reached because the second thing he noticed should have been a lot more glaring. All of the desks were missing. In their place, someone had spread out a slew of blankets and pillows, creating an informal circle in the center of the room. Most of his classmates were already propped up against the cushions, chatting away in anticipation for the start of class. The third thing he noticed was that Shelia was sitting beside a group of Hufflepuffs with as much space as the room would allow between her and the other girls. None of them looked in the other’s direction.

Running late as always, James and his friends were forced to squeeze into the remaining spots. Without having to be asked, Amanda Tanner slid to the side so that the three wouldn’t be separated. Notoriety had its uses.

In any other class, James would have asked a million questions about the redecorating, but he figured this kind of hippy shit was right up Ames’ alley. She probably thought desks cut off the circulation to their minds and inner eye or something equally annoying. Not that he minded. Napping through class would never be easier, and Lily wasn’t there to call him on shirking his responsibilities, so there was no one to stop him.

Class started off with one of Ames’ patented speeches on the stresses of youth. NEWT year…blah blah blah…bottled up feelings…blah blah blah…tempestuous hormones…blah blah fucking blah. James didn’t really care. Eyes closed and head resting on one enviably soft pillow, he felt that he had a pretty firm grip on his studies, his feelings, and his hormones. They were chaotic, of course, but it was a kind of controlled chaos. Besides, ever since he’d started up with Lily, he’d been feeling pretty satisfied on all fronts. The real stress came from fruitless pining, his all too familiar, old friend.

As Ames bought into the maybe-supported, maybe utter tripe that speculated magic was dependent on emotional wholeness or “oneness” as Ames put it, she figured their feelings were a pretty fucking big deal. What students lacked, in her expert opinion, was an open community in which to air their thoughts and grievances. The emotional isolation of youth had the unwanted effect of convincing each teenager that they were somehow unique in their frantic existential musings at two a.m., in their worries that no one would ever truly know them, in their panic over where they could fit in the world. By sharing with their peers, they’d discover just how universal these problems were.

“I want you to share whatever’s on your mind. Whatever secrets or concerns that have most bothered you recently. You’ll find that honest communication can do wonders for alleviating your anxiety. I don’t expect any of you to be comfortable with this today. I understand how much effort it takes to take off your mask and be emotionally honest, to be your true self, but this is a valuable skill to learn. Do I have any volunteers?” Professor Ames instructed.

Clarissa Shackebolt went first. Then, Fredo Sours. To James’ disappointment, none of them were taking their assignment as a joke. James didn’t necessarily disagree with Ames’ view that honesty could help her students, but he recognized that, helpful or not, there was room to turn this little sharing session into a moment of hilarity. They were moving around in a circle now, giving each student a chance to speak. When it reached him, maybe he’d share something absurd, something so patently ridiculous that Ames would have to call him on it and break her rule of no judgment.

“I guess I’m just worried about what I’m going to do when I leave Hogwarts,” Tracey Parker said, biting at her fingernail. While her confession wasn’t particularly interesting, James and Sirius both stopped lounging with their eyes closed to watch her. Tracey Parker was fit as hell, definitely top ten on the fitness list from two weeks ago. “My parents want me to get a job straight away, but I don’t know where to start applying. I don’t want to just work to bring home a few galleons, you know? It would be nice to be involved in something that I feel passionate about.”

“What do your parents do for a living?” Professor Ames asked.

“Well, my mom’s a hairdresser and my dad’s a potioneer. He helps produce cleaning supply products,” Tracey said.

“And neither of those appeal to you?”

“Umm, no,” Tracey wrinkled her nose at the suggestion.

Ames nodded like she understood perfectly. “One of the toughest hurdles for young people is that their scope of the world is very limited. Most of you are only familiar with the possibilities you grew up with: whatever your parents and their friends work in, jobs in education, maybe a few jobs that seem sexy like modeling or working for the curse breakers.”

James was lucky. Because his parents were so involved in the magical community, he’d been exposed to more options than most students his age. Ironically, he had little interest in using this knowledge. He didn’t need a job for money, so unless he felt passionate about something, he had no interest in pursuing it. He’d definitely work somewhere, in some capacity. He wasn’t made for lazing around the house, but the need was cut. Given the chance, he’d play Quidditch, even if he could only manage a spot on one of the junior teams – not that he thought that likely. He was plenty good enough for a major team, at least to start as a backup. If Quidditch fell through, he could always work for Sleakeazy. There he had a guaranteed job, though what he could do for the company was a little lost on him.

None of these possibilities were going to happen though. An idea had begun to form in the back of his mind for a few weeks now. Months if he was being honest. Playing Quidditch and selling hair potions were the jobs of the innocent and blind. James was neither. There was something brewing in England. A terrible force that had begun to threaten his friends and his home. Slughorn had been right to ask James just how he intended to improve the world. If James wanted to make a difference, he didn’t have to search far to come upon the answer. The world would be a lot nicer place without death eaters. James reckoned he could be of some help there.

Even if he had to work for the Ministry, ugh.

“I’ve spoken with Professor Dumbledore about this problem before,” Ames continued, “And he’s agreed that you could all benefit from greater exposure to the options the labor force has open for young witches and wizards. That’s why we’ll be holding a career summit this coming Thursday. A few representatives are going to come and speak to you about their career paths. Hopefully, one or two of them will strike you as something you’d be interested in pursuing as well.”

A murmur of interest rippled through the circle of students.

“Is it mandatory?” Tracey Parker asked, feigning disinterest and not doing a particularly good job of it.

“No, it’s not, but growing up is, so I’d suggest you all attend anyways. These decisions are approaching faster than you might think,” Ames said.

Remus was up to share before any of the rest of them, and James felt a spasm of horror as the possibility that Remus could blurt out something Dahlia related. Nothing would be quite as humiliating as admitting to being broken up over being chucked to the entire class. It would reach Dahlia within hours.

Not being completely out of control, Remus said instead, “I suppose I worry about disappointing my mum.”

“Parental expectations can be a difficult thing to juggle,” Ames cooed sympathetically.

Remus shook his head. “No, that’s not it. I mean, my mom doesn’t have expectations for me to meet. I could do anything, achieve nothing with my life, and she wouldn’t be bothered by it. So I guess, I worry all the more.”

“Then you’re not scared of disappointing her, really,” piped up Carla Daniels who had taken enthusiastically to the opportunity to play therapist to all her classmates. “You’re more trying to prove her wrong. If she thinks so little of you, you’ll prove that you’re worth a thousand of what she ever thought possible.”

“My mom doesn’t think little of me,” Remus said and he sounded angry. Everything he said sounded angry today. “Her low expectations aren’t that she thinks I’m not worth something. They’re because…well, I suppose she thinks she’s being a good mum. She doesn’t want me to ever worry that I’ll fail her. If she sets the bar low, I’m guaranteed to succeed. No matter what I do, she’ll love me. I guess I just want her to know that she deserves more. She should be able to have expectations like any other parent and get upset over low marks or a detention.”

During his explanation, Remus had leaned forward, staring intently across the space at Daniels. Now that he was finished, he straightened his back and appeared to relax, but his muscles remained coiled like he might spring at the slightest hint his mother was being disrespected.

Without the context that Remus was a werewolf, the rest of the class had no way of understanding just what Remus was trying to convey. His problem sounded spoiled, a pampered, loved boy complaining that his mother cared about him too much. Not that anyone judged him for that. Most of the worries being shared were vapid in some way or another. Either most of his classmates didn’t have any dark secrets that they needed to get off their chests or they weren’t yet comfortable enough to start spilling.

A notable hush fell over the collected students as Sirius’s turn arrived. Of the many earned reasons Sirius was notorious at the school, one of the most well-circulated was his history of family dramas. Traumas, really. Everyone wanted better insight into what it meant to grow up a member of the histrionic and decadent Blacks. Even more desperately, they wanted to know what it was like to be disowned from the pack of jewel-encrusted wolves that Sirius once called family.

Sirius gazed out the window, expression thoughtful. He rubbed at his chin speculatively. He did everything in his power to make it appear that his answer would be well-thought out and meaningful. Daniels was in danger of toppling over, she was leaning so far forward in her excitement.

“I have these dreams, nightmares really. The same one over and over again. Some of the details change but the content of the dream is always the same, the meat of it,” Sirius said.

Living in a dorm with Sirius, James could testify to the truth of that. A solid night’s sleep had been impossible their first few years together because Sirius was a screamer, thrashing about and panting desperately once his dreams began in earnest. Fucking annoying. Fucking tragic too, but it had been difficult for James to view it that way when he’d been running on four hours sleep. Well-rested, he was better able to see it for what it was.

“I go back to my parents’ house. From the moment I enter, I can tell nothing has changed. The place is pristine, untouched. I wouldn’t be surprised to find my parents frozen in the exact same position in which I left them. At the top of the stairs, I see the door to my room. I stand outside it for a long time, trying to decide whether or not I should go in. Some nights, I don’t open the door. I just stand there until my alarm goes off and I remember that I’m really at Hogwarts. That Grimmauld Place is leagues away,” Sirius said.

In spite of knowing Sirius would never reveal anything too personal to this group, that wherever this story was going, it would end in a joke, James still felt a shiver crawl up his spine at the eerie description.

“The times I do go inside, well, it’s enough to make me want to week,” Sirius sniffled. Actually, took a shaky breath in through his nose. “All of my posters – the Rolling Stones, the Ursula Andress in a bathing suit – they’re gone! My parents have found a way to undo my sticking charms, and wrenched them off the walls. I know I’ll never see them again.”

James half-heartedly hid his snickers behind his hand. Still doing his sad, abandoned bit, Sirius shot him a scandalized look, like James was actually mocking him. There was just a touch of that Black cruelty in his smile though. James laughed all the harder.

The release of breath from the listening students as they realized Sirius was just messing around was an almost visceral thing. Carla Daniels looked especially put off that Sirius hadn’t taken their assignment seriously. The only person who didn’t seem disappointed was Professor Ames. In fact, she was studying Sirius intently, no hint that she felt annoyance at how he’d twisted her sincerity.

“Can I take it that you’re exaggerating the frequency of your dreams, Mr. Black?” Ames asked.

“I suppose you could say that.”

“Your posters, though? Was your concern there all in jest or do you actually think about whether they’re still hanging?” Ames said.

Now, Sirius shifted uncomfortably. “Not frequently, but yeah, sometimes I guess. That Ursula Andress one is really nice.”

“They’re also tangible evidence that you once lived there,” Professor Ames said thoughtfully.

“I left them up because I knew it would drive my mother mad,” Sirius said shortly.

“And as a result, she can never use the room for some other purpose,” Ames pointed out.

Rather than lashing out, Sirius grew very quiet after that. Those posters were likely the only proof that Sirius had ever resided with his family. Orion Black had been kind enough to forward along all of Sirius’s belongings after he’d moved in with James’ family. Before doing so, the Blacks had burned his belongings to the point of being unrecognizable, but it was the thought that counted. James wasn’t sure he’d ever seen his mother so furious as when she was trying to sort through the burnt heap of Sirius’s school books and drawings from when he was a kid. They’d even sent along the destroyed family portrait that used to hang in the receiving room. An appointment had already been made to commission another one without their oldest son.

James wondered whether Sirius genuinely believed his family wanted to be rid of every last trace of him. It would give another dimension to cursing the posters like Ames had suggested.

It was also entirely unnecessary. As James knew and Sirius didn’t, Walburga Black wanted nothing more than to see her eldest son returned to his “rightful” place. Before, James had thought himself paranoid for wondering whether Sirius might regret his decision to leave his family – the thought implanted by Regulus Black was the kind of fantastical absurdity that couldn’t even survive in a world seeped with magic – and yet…

When it became James’ turn a moment later, he merely grunted out his answer, too concerned about the Blacks to take advantage of his opportunity to have a laugh: “I worry about doing the right thing.”

“That’s one everyone struggles with. Everyone wonders whether their decisions are the right ones,” Ames said supportively.

“I know what the right thing is,” James said, glaring at the startled professor. Maybe he was feeling a little defensive about his doubts regarding whether he should show Sirius the letter. “I know what the right decisions are. I just worry about what will come with making them.”

“What kind of consequences are you worried about?” Ames asked.

James stared at her like she was stupid. “There is a war on. I dunno, maybe death, destruction of my home and country, losing all my friends. Kids’ stuff.”

Shifting uncomfortably, Ames said, “We’re not at war with anyone, Mr. Potter. Just because things are tense at the moment doesn’t mean the situation will devolve so badly.”

James decided then and there that his professor, the woman who was meant to teach him to defend himself, was an idiot. Slughorn would never suggest that a war wasn’t inevitable. A shift in public opinion, a miracle, could occur and save them from a real war, but Ames’ stance bothered James all the same. Everyone kept acting like Voldemort was just going to disappear on his own. If they wanted to avoid a real war, they had to take action. Someone needed to make Voldemort back down. The man – if that’s what he was – wouldn’t wake up one morning and decide his ambitions were foolhardy. James grit his teeth and remained silent, rather than sharing his disdain with the young professor, and she was young; James wondered how he’d never noticed the lack of laugh lines, the clarity in her eyes.

Trying to appease him with some drivel, Ames spoke on the importance of looking for guidance from your peers and elders, but James closed his eyes and tuned it all out. If he was going to accept advice from anyone, it wouldn’t be someone with such a shallow view of personal responsibility. James wondered whether she’d even pick up her wand and fight if a death eater attacked the class. She’d probably believe that the principles of collective responsibility abdicated her of any need to help or something equally impractical.

Several more students took their turns and then the circle arrived upon the girls. James felt a brief pang at Lily’s absence. He would have liked to hear whatever she had to share. Not that he thought Lily would say much to such a mixed group of students, but most of them had accidentally confessed to something. A little insight into Lily would have been nice.

Sometimes he felt like he knew less and less about Lily with everything new he learned. They were closer than ever, and yet there was a distance. Something unbreachable had sprung up between them, or maybe it was a distance without birth, something that predated them both. The decision that human beings should be born in separate bodies, to never truly learn the intricacies of each other’s secrets.

Because maybe it wasn’t that Lily put up a wall between them. Maybe it was that the more he learned, the more he wanted to know. He wanted to crawl inside her skin and just live in her thoughts for a few hours – minutes – a second if he had to settle.

The tiniest kernel of truth from her, any clue – minute as it may be – was something he craved.

“Miss Williams? What would you like to share?” Professor Ames prompted.

“I’m not worried, per se, but I hope Shelia Marks gets lost in a forest and has her hair torn out by rabid giants, so there’s that,” Alice answered.

“…Oh my…that’s…sometimes airing our aggression can be a good thing…there’s a lot of pressure on you girls to never express your anger…As long as you recognize that that’s, well, as long as you make amends later.”

Ames had seriously underestimated their group if she thought all of their secrets were going to be bubblegum sweet.

“I’m not going to apologize,” Alice barked.

“Miss McKinnon! Why don’t you go ahead!” Ames said urgently, trying to move the conversation away from Alice. It was clear that Ames was aware of Alice’s intimidating reputation and thought such aggression would be unique to the hard-faced girl.

“Well, I had this friend,” Marlene said all sticky and saccharine, “and she chose a boy over her dearest friends. So I suppose I’m worried about what’s going to happen to her. You know? Once the boy realizes she’s a vapid, useless cow and kicks her aside. Just like every boy she’s ever dated,“ Marlene whispered almost conspiratorially. “She’s not the type who you stick with after a few nights, if you know what I mean. Anyway, she’s going to be very lonely when he chucks her and she finds herself without a single friend. Alas, but that’s life.”

Marlene looked straight at Shelia and smiled. This was not the cold, challenging smile that girls so often sent each other. Teeth bared and upper lip curling, Marlene’s mouth contorted into a feral, unforgiving thing. If James hadn’t known any better, he would have suspected Shelia had fucked Sirius. It was the only rational explanation as to what could bring timid, little Marlene to such a dangerous place.

Under such a quelling glare, Shelia shrank backwards into her cushion. The open circle of pillows, however, allowed no room for hiding. Marlene and Alice’s joint loathing was inescapable, and now everyone knew that Shelia was singularly, definitively, out.

Realizing she had nowhere to hide, Shelia sat straight and tall and returned Marlene’s stare. Though the meat of Shelia’s cheek quivered, she never abandoned the unabashed grit of her teeth.

For the first time, James wondered at Lily’s absence. He’d written it off as a bug, the kind of minorly inconveniencing flu that Pomfrey patched up with some distilled pepper-up, tasting of grass and wild weeds, before she sent you on your way. But an explosion, the kind that wrought no physical damage but destroyed everything in its wake nonetheless, had wrecked six plus years of friendship amongst the girls. And Lily was missing. Whatever had happened, there were clearly sides, and sides denoted war, and in war there were casualties. James hoped Lily hadn’t been the first.

“Miss MacDonald,” Ames called and frankly James was surprised the professor hadn’t skipped over the last of the trio, considering all the trouble her counterparts had caused.

“I second Alice and Marlene,” Mary said coldly.

Ames sent her a knowing smile, what James would have labeled as a smirk had it not gone against James’ understanding of the woman. “You have nothing more personal to share? Come, Miss MacDonald. You more than most could benefit from this exercise. I see it every time you cast – all that pent up potential that you can’t meet because you deny yourself.”

Seconds ticked by while Mary held Ames’ gaze. The statue of the three-eyed witch held more warmth than Mary when she finally spoke, firmly and articulately, “I’m a lesbian and I don’t feel any better for having announced it. Though I hope the voyeuristic pleasure you so clearly take in emotionally man-handling your students keeps you well satisfied tonight.”

“I’ll overlook your…insinuation only because I’m very proud of you for opening up,” Ames said, obviously torn between insult and victory.

Shock at Mary’s bitterly yielded revelation faded within seconds of the exchange. Mary was the last person James would have suspected because she was one half of Hogwart’s longest-surviving heterosexual couple. Mary was the first person James _should_ have suspected because she was one of the few girls James knew whose behavior remained identical when talking to him as when talking to her female peers. The unasked question that lurked behind every opposite sex interaction was missing when he talked to Mary.

James thought all of this over the course of a half minute and then shrugged. Other than a pang of sympathy for the poor bloke Mary had been dating all this time, James didn’t think much of it.

In fact, the only person who seemed particularly interested was Marlene. She’d swiveled her full body so that she could stare at Mary – Imploringly? Accusingly? Admiringly? Perhaps her stare contained a bit of all three, and then a little extra.

Marlene not knowing was far more interesting gossip than the news that Mary preferred female company. The speculative titters, seeking to explain why Mary would have concealed such a harmless truth, had already begun.

Another half hour passed before each student finished taking a turn and Ames opened the floor so that they could discuss their feelings – the ones that had resulted from first discussing their feelings – a matryoshka doll that James could see stretching out through a dozen class periods. Marlene was the first person to jump into the fray. Apparently, she’d been as fixated on the motivations behind Mary’s secrecy as the rest of them.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Did you only just realize?” Marlene asked.

“I’ve known for years.”

“Then, why?”

“I didn’t want you to feel burdened or nervous around me.”

“So you lied to me for _years_? I have male friends. It’s not like I’m suddenly terrified you might jump me,” Marlene said angrily.

James didn’t think Marlene actually had any male friends, but he felt the point held merit. Under the same circumstances, James would have felt offended. The only reason to keep such a secret was that Mary hadn’t trusted Marlene to react well. James knew some muggle cultures struggled with the concept of same-gendered attraction, but he still thought Marlene deserved some degree of the benefit of the doubt.

“How does finding out now make you feel?” Ames asked Marlene.

Mary very nearly reached for her wand to hex their professor.

Very definitively, Marlene answered, “Betrayed and kind of stupid. I mean, how often have we talked about boys and you were just lying? Do you even find the lead singer of _The Malevolent Manticores_ attractive?”

“That man looks like a toe.”

Marlene gasped very loudly.

“I don’t want to talk to you about this in front of all these people,” Mary said stiffly.

“Why not? You only agreed to tell me alongside all these people. I don’t see why I deserve special explanations now,” Marlene said, but she just sounded kind of sad.

Mary tentatively reached out to take ahold of her hand. When Marlene didn’t resist, Mary sighed.

“I don’t like to make things about me with you,” Mary admitted, “Because I think you deserve the world.”

As far as explanations went, Mary’s was fairly insubstantial but Marlene still relented. They disappeared for a moment – Sirius and James were close enough to share a private language. Mary and Marlene possessed a separate world. When they finally broke eye contact, Marlene had tears in her eyes.

Very quietly, Mary whispered something to Marlene in Korean, a language that no one expected her to speak. Then, Marlene began to cry in earnest. Mary closed her eyes and took on an expression of true suffering.

So intimate was the scene, that James felt sick just from bearing witness. He turned his head only to realize no one else was granting them the same privacy. Ames, true to Mary’s accusation, was watching with rapt attention.

“I’d like to talk about my cheating ex-girlfriend who continues to stomp on hearts throughout the castle!” James announced to divert everyone’s attention.

An elbow jab to the ribs from Remus, a feat considering Sirius’s body separated them, told James what Remus thought of his new tactic. Unfortunately, sometimes sacrifices needed to be made and Dahlia had the ripe look of a calf headed to slaughter. Besides, how angry could Remus be when he was merely obeying a professor’s instructions by sharing his very legitimate feelings?

He opened his mouth and the words came tumbling out. Mary and Marlene were half forgotten. When they exited the classroom a half hour later, James spared them only the briefest of glances. They were walking out hand in hand.

 

Escaping the gleefully exchanged gossip for the rest of the day was nearly an impossibility. It was like a curse had settled over Hogwarts that only allowed for the students to speak of Mary’s confession, Sirius’s tragic yearning for his wretched family, and Shelia’s falling out with the other Gryffindors. (It didn’t escape James that none of the Hufflepuffs in his class had shared anything of comparable interest – whether they were just too clever to share their secrets in public or too boring to amass any was unclear). James wanted no part in either, thought less of the people who traded in these whispers without thought for how it affected the discussed parties, and if James Potter thought you were being callous with others’ feelings, then you knew you were crossing the line.

One of the only places that provided any respite was the Hospital Wing. James felt almost guilty as he sat beside Peter’s bed to realize that the only time he was glad to see his friend was now when he had ulterior motives. In fact, James hadn’t been to see Peter since Friday morning. The boy hadn’t been left to suffer alone. Remus had visited on Saturday and Sirius on Sunday, but it still made James shift uncomfortably. Every blank look that Peter sent his way, James wondered whether there was a tempest of resentment behind it.

At the start of his visit, James had felt compelled to share the gossip of the day with Peter. It had been his guilt. He knew how much Peter would long to know, and it wasn’t fair that he missed out just because he was hospitalized.

It was dinner time, so Peter ate as James talked. Sick of hospital food (which was really the same as the food in Great Hall, so James couldn’t follow why Peter was complaining), Peter was opting to much on a bag full of pretzels that James had brought for him. The salted sticks cracked like a disapparation every time Peter took a bite.

“Was Sirius upset?” Peter asked after James had finished recounting all the events of the morning.

“Nah, I mean, it’s not a secret that his family life is complicated. It’s old gossip really,” James said, even though he wasn’t sure whether or not it was true. While Sirius wouldn’t mind the gossip, he could be torn apart by the question it raised for him: whether or not he missed home?

“Not about that,” Peter corrected. “About Mary?”

“Why would Sirius give a fuck who Mary wants to sleep with?” James asked bewildered.

Peter looked at him like he was stupid. As much as Peter was his friend, the look still sent a rush of irritation coursing through him. There was a time Peter only looked at him with adoration. The part of James that had never been able to stand a challenge wanted to remind Peter of his place. The part of James that had grown the fuck up urged him to keep silent.

“Because Mary wants to be sleeping with his girlfriend,” Peter said matter-of-factly.

James blinked. “Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you want to fuck your best friend.”

He wasn’t sure why Peter needed this explained to him.

“Please,” Peter huffed. “The secret’s not that Mary’s a lesbian. The secret is that she loves Marlene. It explains why she didn’t tell her even though they’re so close. Besides, have you ever looked at them together? Of course Mary’s in love with her.”

It was on the tip of James’ tongue to tell Peter to stop talking so nonsensically, but something held him back. He considered the situation from another angle. If he were gay, would he be in love with Sirius? It was the closest equivalent to Mary’s situation that he could find. The answer was kind of evasive. All of Sirius’s flaws that would make him entirely undateable sprang to mind, but James had to admit that his mate was a good looking bloke, and what was a lover but a partner plus sex?

“I still don’t think she is,” James said, even though the kernel of doubt in his mind was growing faster than an organism that inflates its cells like giant kelp.

“No offense, Prongs, but you’re bullocks at telling when anyone fancies somebody,” Peter said.

“Oy! I do alright. I’ve noticed any number of girls who took a shine to me over the years,” James grinned.

“Not the same. You just assume every girl wants your prick until proven otherwise,” Peter said and James laughed. “I’m talking about noticing a specific girl likes you.”

“You might be right,” James conceded. “Still, I don’t think Sirius will care. It’s not like Marlene’s going to run off with her or something. You know how star struck Marlene’s always been by him.”

Peter regarded him critically. “Were you aiming to make a pun just now?”

“Fuck, no!” James shouted after a beat. “Dammnit, and that’s a good one too. I’ll have to use it some other time.”

They chuckled together, both amused by James’ never ending affinity for bad jokes. Without having to ask for his prognosis, James knew Peter must have been feeling better. Under the best circumstances, Peter had never been as quick to laugh as his friends. Since his injury, he’d been doing a convincing imitation of a person robbed of their voice box and diaphragm, completely incapable of laughter.

“Here, lift up the covers. I want to show you something,” Peter instructed.

Obediently, James peeled back the blankets on Peter’s bed so that his useless legs were exposed to the open air. He wondered if it was just his imagination or if they’d become more frail since he’d been hospitalized, the fat and muscle of his legs dripping off like melted candlewax. Abandoned to the cold air, they erupted in goosebumps.

Once the blankets, were bunched off to the side, James looked at Peter questioningly, wondering what exactly his friend had to show. Caught up in waiting for Peter to explain, James didn’t realize, at first, what he was trying to show him. It was Peter’s triumphant smirk that clued James in that he was missing something. He glanced down at his friends bare legs again and drew up short.

His toes. They were wiggling.

Peter wasn’t able to flex them in the full range of motion that an uninjured person could, but there was definite movement. With a little concentration, he was even able to bend his big toe. James threw his hands in the air and cheered so loudly that Pomfrey had to threaten to exile him for the week to quiet him down again. Peter beamed throughout James’ chastisement.

Sounding pleased, Peter said, “Pomfrey said that the hardest part is over. That once you regain some function, you know the potions are beginning to take effect. I could be out of here by the end of next week. Earlier if I keep up with my P.T.”

“Thank Godric. We’ve missed you. It’ll be good to have you in the dormitory again,” James said.

“Really?” Peter didn’t quite meet his eye as he asked.

“Bugger off. Of course we will. You’ve left me alone with those wankers for too long. Sirius is always preening and _Remus_ ,” James lowered his voice ominously. “Remus is off his spliff.”

“Merlin, no!” Peter said with horror.

“I know. You might want to stay in the Hospital if he keeps this up. He’s going to be in a temper until he starts up again.”

Darkly, Peter said, “No. No I won’t.”

James brushed off Peter’s sudden bad spirits with the same arrogance with which he always dismissed Peter’s bad moods. Peter liked to be led. Their friendship was built on James not allowing Peter to have his way. If he did, Peter would spend all his time hidden up in their dormitory, sketching lewd drawings and gossiping about people he’d never met.

“Now, I want to stay and celebrate, but I can’t,” James said. “I’ve got rounds with Evans.”

“Skive off,” Peter said without hesitation.

“I can give you three very good reasons why I shouldn’t. One, Lily will skin me and then feed me the scraps if I stand her up. Two, Lily wasn’t in class today. For all I know, she won’t show up, so if I don’t go, rounds won’t be completed and I’ll have to explain to McGonagall. Third, I’ve got a little over a week left in this bet. I just have to tough it out for a bit longer.”

James didn’t add that he also was very much looking forward to his rounds with Lily. They hadn’t snogged at all that weekend, and he wanted to see if he could get her off again. Lily flushed with arousal was a hard temptation to resist.

“Lily’s too nice to skin you,” Peter said moodily. “If she’s never done it before, she won’t now that she no longer hates you.”

James snorted. “Please, she’s more likely now that she doesn’t hate me. Higher standards and all that.”

As unhappy as Peter was to see him go, James couldn’t break his plans with Lily. It was bizarre to realize there was something he wouldn’t do for a friend where Lily was concerned. The realization almost made him turn back and return to Peter’s bedside, but he pushed through the temporary spiral of panic. Lily wasn’t a girl that should be kept waiting. Not by anyone and certainly not him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. You’re the best people in the world. I had mentioned my bad week on a whim, and I was met with the loveliest support imaginable. I think it’s easy to believe that writers don’t care much about reviews one way or another, but they actually mean a lot. Since most of us don’t talk a lot about our fic with our friends/family, they’re the only outlet we get to discuss an interest that consumes hours and hours of our weeks. So thank you, everyone! It felt so good, it reminded me to review a few fics that I hadn’t in a while as well.  
> Next chapter is overflowing with James/Lily interaction, so check back next week. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend!


	38. Oct 24: Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know this is early, but with everything that happened today, I thought there might be some people in need of something positive to distract them. I’m very unhappy with the way this election went, but I do believe things will turn out better than we feared. And until that can be proven one way or another, I think escaping into the world of fantasy can be nice.
> 
> So that said, one of my top 3 favorite chapters? Top 5 at the very least.
> 
> Warning this chapter is rated M for explicit content between our two leads.

**October 24, 1977**

 

Universe having a sense of humor and all that, James found himself waiting for Lily when the clock chimed nine and they were meant to begin their rounds. She didn’t come sprinting down the staircase as he would have expected. The punctual sort, James assumed that meant Lily simply wasn’t coming. The tiniest sliver of doubt was enough to keep him waiting though. If she appeared in a few minutes’ time, he didn’t want to look impatient. More vitally, he didn’t want to actually patrol alone.

In another Hogwarts where the founders had trusted their male students, James could have just walked upstairs and knocked on her door to check. Alas, the founders had possessed no faith in male hormones and a great deal of experimentation had yet to provide a solution. (He’d tried flying up the staircase once and it had sent him ricocheting back to the landing with enough force to break his wrist.) Considering James had tried so many times to make his way up the girls’ staircase, he had to admit the founders might have had a point in their distrust.

The Common Room was pretty inexplicably cleared out too. Nearing curfew, James would have expected it to be overflowing with students who were eager to stay up a bit longer with friends before bed. It was, he supposed, Monday though, and students were always a little more tired after the first day of classes. He spotted a couple groups of boys who wouldn’t be much help, and Dahlia, the only girl in the Common Room.

James winced. For good reason, James figured she wouldn’t be jumping to do him any favors. James’ distraction in Transfiguration had resulted in the whole school talking about how she was essentially a cheating tramp. Remus had been – was – furious. He kept saying that James didn’t understand the entire situation and should learn to keep his lopsided mouth shut until he knew what he was talking about.

Hesitantly, James sidled up to Dahlia. After an awkward clearing of his throat, James said, “Hullo, there.”

Dahlia looked up at him with accusing eyes. Despite her gall at acting like she was somehow the wronged party after she’d broken James’ friend’s heart, James managed to not glare back. After all, he was asking her for a favor, though calling it as such might not be advisable.

“Lily and I are supposed to be going for rounds, and she hasn’t come down yet. I was wondering if you’d mind going to check if she plans on coming for me. She wasn’t in classes, so she might just be sick, but…um, I don’t want to just leave either,” James said.

Heaving an enormous sigh, Dahlia stood up. “You’re lucky I’m a nice person.”

James thought he was lucky his tongue didn’t start bleeding from how hard he jammed his front teeth into it to prevent himself from responding to that comment.

A few minutes later, Dahlia returned down the stairs. Lily wasn’t in tow. Without so much as a glance at James, she sat back down on the couch and returned to the book she’d been reading before he interrupted her. Eyebrows raised, James stared at her, willing her to explain just what Lily had said. Either Dahlia was oblivious or she enjoyed the opportunity to punish James a bit because she didn’t turn to answer him.

“Come on. Is she coming or not?” James said.

Silence. James began to worry that if he continued glaring at Dahlia, he was going to accidentally set her hair on fire. He hadn’t been guilty of any bouts of accidental magic for years now, but there was always the chance.

Dahlia’s hair was saved from its fiery fate by the appearance of Lily. She looked…wrong, somehow. A cursory inventory didn’t do much to help pinpoint the cause. Her clothes were neat, if a little plain – trousers and a black jumper; her makeup was done as usual, hair pulled back into a tidy pony-tail. Still, there was obviously something missing. Maybe it was that, for once, her skin looked washed out rather than just pale. As carefully lined with eyeliner as ever, her eyes lacked the glimmer he usually saw.

“Sorry I kept you waiting,” Lily said. Her voice creaked roughly like she was parched, or she hadn’t spoken yet after a long night’s sleep.

“S’fine. Are you sick? You look –” James sought about for an adjective that wouldn’t get him hexed, “–rough.”

Lily shrugged, the tiniest jerk of her shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. Are you ready to go?”

She tried to smile reassuringly at him, but it didn’t do much to convince him. Too much teeth. Not enough heart.

Pretty quickly into the start of their rounds, James realized he was in for an unpleasantly boring night unless he took action. They’d patrolled the first floor already, levying gentle reminders to the students finishing up outside that they needed to be back in their houses before curfew in ten minutes. During all this, Lily was less a partner than a shadow. She let James take the lead and didn’t even bother to watch how he handled the students they encountered.

“I’m assuming you heard all about DADA this morning,” James said, and he couldn’t believe that he was resorting to peddling gossip just to try and spark a conversation.

Lily nodded.

“Reckon Ames meant well, but she oversteps a little,” James said.

Again, Lily just nodded.

“Wonder how Ames knew about Mary,” James speculated. “Her instincts must be pretty good.”

Finally, Lily felt compelled to speak. “I don’t think she knew. She could tell Mary was holding something back but didn’t know what exactly. She just bullied it out of her.”

“Ames definitely came on too strong,” James agreed. “Did you know?”

“Not for long, but yeah.”

With that, the topic of conversation closed. None of James’ attempts at follow up did much to engage her. She had nothing to say.

All the quiet had James ready to wedge a rusty nail into his eyeball. Maybe the conscientious decision would be to leave her to the silence she so clearly desired, to not push and respect her mood. That kind of consideration was also boring as hell. Fortune favored the bold after all.

“Lily, you should go back to the Tower. I can finish up on my own,” James instructed.

“What, no, I’m fine,” Lily said. In her surprise, she was livelier than he’d seen her all night.

“No offense, but you’re clearly not. Go and let me worry about the rest.”

“No, I’m…you’re right. I’ve been out of it, but I’ll get it together from here on out,” Lily promised. “Did you have a nice day other than Defense?”

Secretly pleased with her response, James filled her in on his day. He told her all about how she’d missed the steamed asparagus he knew she was fond of at dinner and an overview of the fallout with Dahlia. By the time he got around to Peter regaining motion in his toes, Lily was actually smiling. He took it as proof that he could push a little harder.

He decided to hit her with a joke.

“Hey, do you know why it’s forbidden to gamble in the plains of central Africa?” James asked.

“Umm, I don’t really know anything about the African wizarding governments or history. Is there a lot of upheaval in the region? It’s hard to imagine they’d have the same history with colonization as the muggles did,” Lily said, seriously considering it. The fact that he’d brought such a nuanced topic up out of the blue hadn’t signaled to her that all was not what it seemed.

James nodded along. “Mhmm, you’re right, but the gambling thing is because there are too many cheetahs.”

“Ergh! You’re so…ergh!”

James laughed all the more loudly for Lily’s disgust.

“Now I want to talk about wizarding Africa too, and the library’s closed so I can’t do any research. Look what you’ve done!” Lily said, scowling.

“Sorry, I don’t know much on the subject,” James said unrepentant despite his apology. “There’s like, a thousand countries down there. It’s hard to keep track.”

“Well that’s not on,” Lily said with a frown. “There’s only like 80 or so.”

“Eighty! You’re thinking of muggle Africa. Like you guessed, colonization wasn’t a thing for wizards so they never combined all those tribes. I wasn’t exaggerating there’s nearly a thousand tribal nations in Africa right now. Makes the Quidditch World Cup a nightmare with so many teams trying to make the finals,” James said.

Lily gaped at him. “That’s so cool! Why don’t they teach us _that_ here?”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d suspect you’re implying our lauded professors aren’t teaching us what really matters,” James said.

“Well, they aren’t. Even I’ll admit that,” Lily scoffed. “History of Magic is a joke. First of all, it should be mandatory for all years, and it should teach something modern for once. Focus more on international relations. All we learn about are how we subjugated different races of magical creatures over the years. Maybe if we learned about movements to grant magical creatures their rights that would be something, but I swear none of what Binns teaches us has any actual consequence.”

“Don’t speak ill of the dead,” James reminded her. For a second, her face fell like she’d actually forgotten about Binns’ sudden demise, but then she recovered, so James continued, “All those treaties and wars are really important if you’re going into a career involving any interaction with sentient magical creatures. You’d be amazed how easy it is to mortally offend a goblin if you mess up which Battle of Bingintonion ended the Goblin War of 1444. They’re mad about their heritage like that, but I see your point. It’s all a little distanced from modern wizarding politics.”

Lily nodded eagerly. All of her enthusiasm still struck James as a little off. She was manic now, where before she’d been a blank, emotionless state. James definitely preferred the abundant energy to the latter, but he couldn’t shake the impression that she was putting it on a bit, forcing herself to care when she’d fancy nothing more than to crawl into bed with the curtains drawn tight.

“And nothing’s a bigger joke than Muggle Studies. My God! The focus of that class is basically just answering ‘how do those darned, stupid muggles survive without magic anyhow?’” Lily said in a deep, mocking voice. “That’s the point of teaching about electricity and cars. It’s not about understanding how muggles think or feel. It’s about how we don’t just keel over dead!”

“They,” James reminded her. “How _they_ don’t just keel over dead.”

Lily blinked at him for a moment before shrugging. “I guess. I did ‘survive’ like a muggle for the first eleven years of my life. It’s not as interesting as wizards think it is.”

“What should they teach?”

“Religion would be a good start. Read literature. Take the class on field trips to see a few films. Talk about women’s lib and slavery and the World Wars. All the stuff that actually makes up muggle culture. Then, you’ll actually gain an idea of how muggles think,” Lily replied thoughtfully.

“Do you really want them teaching about slavery and all that to a bunch of blood purists? It’ll just feed into their propaganda,” James said.

Lily shook her head. “Muggles can’t erase their violent pasts any more than wizards can. Someday, I hope they teach about the death eaters in history books and don’t just skip over it because it makes wizards look bad. Besides, it shows muggles make mistakes and are human. It also shows they correct them, given time.”

Silently, James disagreed. The last thing the muggleborns in school needed was for the blood supremacists to gain any support to their claims that muggles were cruel and barbaric by nature.

“I’d also dismantle DADA,” Lily said.

Now there was something James couldn’t silently disagree with. “Are you barking? There’s a war on. You can’t get rid of the one class dedicated to helping us.”

“We learn how to defend ourselves from legal spells. What good is that going to do us up against a death eater? If they throw a tickling hex, I’m set, but something tells me that’s not likely,” Lily said.

“Shields can block pretty much every spell,” James spluttered.

“We could still learn shield charms, just in Charms class, where they belong, instead of in DADA,” Lily said. “Besides, they can’t block an Avada, and if I was a death eater, that’s all I would be throwing.”

“Well, that’s brutal.”

“Just the truth,” Lily sing-songed. “It also doesn’t help that everyone takes the class. I mean, any future dark wizards in our class are going to know exactly what training in protection we have. It seems to kind of defeat the purpose.”

“You’re not going to convince me. Defense is essential. Even if there wasn’t a war on, we should still be prepared for anything,” James insisted.

“You know, my parents threw a fit when they saw my courses as a first year. I mean, shouldn’t we strive to not have a society where there’s so much danger in the first place? Muggles have guns but we don’t demand our school children take self-defense classes to disarm attackers,” Lily said.

“You’re reading too much into the name,” James said. “It doesn’t imply there’s automatically danger. It just means the class will help you learn how to block magic that’s aimed at you. It doesn’t have to be dangerous.”

“Please, for all intensive purposes, it’s the same thing,” Lily said.

James drew up short. “For _what_?”

“Come on. How often do you really have someone aim non-dangerous but unwanted magic at you? I mean...”

“No, no, before that. For all _what_?” James said, hastily batting a hand to wave off her explanations.

Lily glanced around like she expected there to be an audience waiting to burst out and laugh at her. “For all intensive purposes.”

There may not have been an audience, but James was perfectly capable of handling the laughter part himself. As Lily grew irritated and began to tap her foot to show it, James snickered at her error.

“It’s ‘for all intents and purposes,’ Evans,” he finally explained.

“That’s what I said.”

“No, you most definitely said ‘for all intensive purposes.’”

“Exactly!”

“No, not exactly! Intents is not the same as intensive!” James cried.

Lily wrinkled her nose. Rather than embarrassed about her blunder, Lily looked annoyed with him. Like he was just being pedantic for the sake of it. While James was _anything_ but a snob, he would be the first person to correct such an outrageous error of…he didn’t even know what to call it! It wasn’t grammatical. It wasn’t pronunciation, not technically, anyway. That kind of bungling of the English language just couldn’t be suffered, and to hear it coming from Lily of all people was throwing him for every kind of loop.

“And to think you complain about the English education at Hogwarts. How’s your fancy muggle education working for you now?” James said snottily.

Lily sparked to life. Truly and completely. Losing her best mate was apparently not a severe enough mood dampener to keep her from rising to that kind of challenge. James felt his stomach clench at the sight of her snarling and alive once more.

“Firstly, I didn’t receive a fancy, muggle education, I’ll have you know. Cokeworth doesn’t boast the best schools around, so don’t go implying that it’s because I’m a muggle. Secondly, you’re just posh and annoying,” Lily informed him crisply.

“Lily,” James said lightly. “You’re adorable.”

She really didn’t do all that good a job pretending his words didn’t delight her.

They proceeded to patrol in the same manner for another twenty minutes. Soon, they would be able to return to their respective beds and be done with the pain in the arse that was rounds. Not that James particularly wanted them to end, seeing as Lily was talking to him again. He could have stood to waste another hour on them easily.

Near the Slytherin dormitories they heard their first passionate couple of the night. There was a door that led to an alcove and rarely used staircase that made for a natural snogging spot. Mostly it was just frequented by the Slytherins because it was too drafty to neck in anything but full robes and a bit of a distance from the other houses, but when pressed, James had made good use of it himself.

“Would you like to do the honors?” James asked with a sweeping gesture of his arm.

Lily curtsied in turn. “I’d be delighted.

She tore open the door dramatically, letting it collide with the wall and level a bang that resounded throughout the hall. Before he could get a look inside himself, James could tell that Lily didn’t like what she saw inside. Her freckles were standing out too starkly against her skin, shocked pale within a second. Peeking in himself, James couldn’t peg what had her so spooked. He didn’t recognize the girl inside and the bloke was just Mulciber, though to be fair, James supposed the idea of Mucliber getting any was pretty revolting.

The girl who’d been unfortunate to have Mulciber’s tongue in her mouth a second before wiped at her lips like her gloss might have smudged even though she looked presentable enough. Her eyes held a million apologies. Mulciber looked delighted by the interruption. James figured he was happy to have proof that a girl had let him within three meters of his person. Before this, James wouldn’t have believed it possible.

“Huh, fancy seeing you here,” the girl said nervously. “Sorry about that, Lily.”

Surprise, surprise, the girl knew Lily. She was reacting just like Rin had when she’d been caught with James by Lily. Everyone knew the Head Girl and was flustered to be found out by her.

Disturbingly smug, Mulciber drawled, “I didn’t expect to see you doing the rounds tonight. Heard a rumor that you were held up in your room. I thought to myself, something pretty awful must have happened to keep the intrepid Head Girl from meeting all her responsibilities. Whatever it was, it must have been a pretty great shock.”

Impossibly, Lily’s body seemed to tighten further. The tension coming off of her was palpable, and Mucliber seemed to be eating it up with gusto.

“Ten points from Slytherin and another ten from Ravenclaw,” Lily said, voice choked.

Mulciber smirked. He was having far too much fun to argue the point deduction. James just couldn’t place what about this situation was fun for him. Lily was a muggleborn, so James imagined Mulciber would delight in any opportunity to make her squirm, but this shouldn’t do it, unless…Mulciber could be the bigot that had been giving Lily a hard time. She’d refused to share who, but Mulciber was as good a guess as James could possibly come up with. It would explain why Lily was wilting in front of him. Continued abuse could be wearing her down, though James would have liked to imagine that Lily could take on a twat like Mulciber all on her own. James wanted to drive his fist through the git’s face and break his fingers on the stone behind him when he managed to break through his skull and come out the other side.

The only thing that stopped him was that Mulciber spoke again, and James became distracted.

“Say hello to your friend, Shelia, for me,” Mulciber said. “Or should I say hello for you? I guess you two aren’t speaking much these days.”

For a terrible second, something heartbreaking fluttered across Lily’s face, a shudder of pure agony, but then it was gone. In its place, was something burning hot, an uncontained wildfire where he could usually expect icy fury. James didn’t know whether he ought to feel proud or concerned.

“I suggest you drag him away Dana because for every second you two are still in my presence, I’m going to remove another point from your houses, and that could get very costly very fast,” Lily growled.

The girl, Dana, snapped to attention pretty quickly at that. She tugged urgently on Mulciber’s sleeve to urge him to leave with her. Pausing, Mulciber took a moment to weigh the situation, probably hoping that Lily was bluffing and would break down in tears instead. With an imperiously arched eyebrow, Lily began to count, voice rising as the number of points they’d cost their houses rose in tandem. Looking disappointed, Mulciber allowed his bird to drag him away.

“What was that?” James asked.

He still suspected Mulciber may be the pureblood supremacist who was harassing Lily, but that didn’t account for the weirdly targeted comments about Shelia. There was something, well many somethings that he was missing, and he didn’t like flying blind. There was only so much protection he could give Lily when she wasn’t willing to share with him.

Not being able to protect her wasn’t an option. The thought of her in pain and feeling helpless made him want to smash his own skull against the wall. It would hurt less.

When Lily didn’t immediately answer, James felt his temper start to peak. It was misguided, and he knew it. The real person he wanted to punish wasn’t in the alcove with him, but with his target ambiguous, it was terribly easy to redirect all of his anger towards Lily. This time, he wasn’t going to let her run from him and the truth. She was going to answer the damn question if he had to keep her down there all night.

Before he could reiterate the question, James was taken off guard by what could only be described as a full-on attack. Lily’s body went from nearly a meter away to pressed intimately against his own, and her lips found his with an aggression that was unprecedented. He had to throw a hand backwards into the wall to keep himself from falling backwards, which was a horrible inconvenience as it meant he couldn’t use the hand for its more important purpose: pushing Lily’s very appealing body a few centimeters away from his.

“Lily, umf, please, uh, Lily,” James said, muffled against her seeking mouth. “If you’re trying to distract me, so I forget the question, it won’t work.”

Undeterred, Lily snuck a hand between them and palmed him through his trousers. He wasn’t hard and still more than capable of rational thought, but if she kept that up, he wasn’t going to stay that way for long. He very nearly moaned.

“Lily, please – we can’t –”

“I’m not trying to distract you,” Lily said curtly, breaking away from his lips but eyes never drifting away from them. “I want this for me. No, _need_ this, right now. I don’t want to think about all that shite. I want to forget.”

“I don’t know,” James said, hesitant but very, very tempted.

Softly, peering up at him through those lashes that made her look like a princess out of a fairytale, Lily pleaded, “If you want to help me, this is how you do it. Please, James. Help me forget everything.”

He would have liked to think that he was still mulling over the idea, but his hand was rubbing up and down her arm without his permission, getting the feel of her through all that fabric. Denying them something they both wanted seemed foolish, and Lily _needed_ him, or so she said. When he swallowed, his throat was completely dry.

Hands tight in his hair, Lily dragged his head down to her height, uncaring of the way it made his shoulders hunch. She kissed him deeply, getting his mouth nice and wet. Her tongue was a sneaky little thing. It darted into his mouth, just tickled the roof, and then would disappear, intent to lure him to chase after her, to give up his reservations and kiss her with all the passion that she demanded. It made it very hard to think.

Breathy against his lips, Lily whispered, “Help me forget my own name. Please.”

He surged forward. James almost didn’t realize, he’d acted so instinctively, until he felt her body collide with the wall. Everything was too hot between them. Her lips where he nipped and licked were the red of a pepper, the heat transferring back and forth between them in an unbroken circuit. His hands snuck around her back to cup her bum and pull her more tightly against him, the pressure surpassing warm as they shared their body heat. He’d had his tongue in her mouth for all of five minutes and already they were sweating like they were at a Quidditch match in August.

“Shirt off,” Lily ordered eagerly. James pulled back and grabbed the hem of her shirt. She laughed at him. “No, your shirt. I want to see you.”

If James’ cock hadn’t been hard before, it was now. His body actually shuddered at her suggestion. Nothing got him off like the opportunity to preen in front of an audience.

“Maybe I want to see you,” he managed to say without giving himself away.

Lily’s eyes darted from his face, down his chest and back. She licked her lips. “Okay.”

Not tearing his shirt off like it was covered in poison required an impressive amount of self-control. A level which Lily, apparently, did not possess herself. She’d tossed her jumper aside before James had fully processed that he was going to (finally, finally, _finally_ ) see Lily with her top off. His mouth went dry all over again.

Her bra, a peach number with no frills, was not doing a particularly good job of containing her. Her tits were spilling out over the top. He could just spot the top of one of her nipples, which had escaped from the cup.

Lily noticed his assessment and glanced down embarrassed. “It’s laundry day, so I borrowed a bra from Mary. It doesn’t fit that well.”

“Maybe you should just take it off then,” James said, voice cracking around the words.

At his smarmy comment, Lily seemed torn between laughing and rolling her eyes. She ultimately did neither, instead unhooking her bra. It felt like an impossibly long time passed as she slowly lowered the straps, but then she was there, bare before him. He could have studied her for ages. Her skin was soft and unblemished except for a scattering of freckles along her neck and three strategically placed moles that dipped into her cleavage. Her waist was small, short without a lot of fat but her hips flared out noticeably, proportional to her petite body. The only big thing on her had always been her tits and now he could see them, not even remotely a disappointment after years of imaginings.

Exposed to the chill castle air, one of her nipples started to harden. He could actually see it happening before his eyes. A tight pebble appearing atop the puffy areola; hard forming atop the soft. He wanted to nuzzle into her.

Lily wasn’t about to let him play until he obliged her as well, so even though he was monumentally distracted, James shucked off his robes and shirt. He was able to tear his eyes away from her tits in order to observe the path her eyes traced, reveling in how long they remained at the ridges of his abs, the double-take at the hard lines that bisected his hips. Where his mouth was dry, hers must have been very wet because when she licked her lips they began to glisten.

James had to shut his eyes out of fear that he wouldn’t last.

“Any reason you’re not kissing me?” Lily demanded.

Having gained his bearings, James allowed her a small grin before he leaned forward and did just that. One hand cradled the back of her head and the other made its way with unerring accuracy to her chest. At that first contact, her mouth parted, and the tiniest gasp escaped into his. James felt like gasping himself when he first melded his hand to a breast, a gentle squeeze testing the firmness and revealing the unfair softness of the skin and tissue below.

Access to her chest for the first time kept James plenty distracted, as he kneaded and stroked along the flesh, but Lily didn’t appear to mind his inattention to the kiss, and when he finally let himself run a single finger along the peak of her nipple, she broke the kiss altogether. Instead, she buried her face in his neck and panted hotly against his skin. He could feel whenever a nudge or tease of her nipple particularly pleased her by how her lips moved against his neck. Along with the list of glowing adjectives he had already levied at her tits – soft, lush, full – he could now add _sensitive_. So fucking sensitive.

Someday, he was going to get Lily into a bed and do nothing but explore her tits until the sun set. No sex, just avid attention until he could, blind-folded, map out every bump and erogenous zone with his tongue from memory.

Sadly, today would not be that day, though he desperately wanted it. His cock was not at all in agreement with his dreams of unhurried discovery. Lily’s chest was too new to him, too exciting.

Instead, he picked her up by the bum, encouraging her to wrap her legs around his hips as he pressed her more firmly against the wall. Figuring out how high or low to position her body on his was a painstaking choice because no matter what he was going to lose access to some part of her hot, little body. Ultimately, he hiked her up high enough that they could still kiss without any trouble. It put her hips level with his stomach, which meant she’d be free to rub her hips however she liked, but he would be denied the same opportunity. It occurred to him that the problem wouldn’t exist if he freed himself from his trousers, but that would involve taking his hands off her arse and removing her hands from his hair, which seemed a miserable prospect.

Lily kissed him ravenously. The kind of kiss that usually ended in blood. At the unexpected pain, he hissed through his teeth but only kissed her all the harder as punishment for it. When he tugged at her lower lip, her thighs clenched around him.

Eventually, the sirens’ call of her bare tits became too strong to ignore, so he ended the kiss to refocus his mouth below. Wetly, he trailed kisses down her jaw, dipping into the hollow of her throat, a swirl of tongue along the sharp jut of her clavicle, all leading to his final destination. To reach them, he had to shift the angle of her hips so that she was pressed more tightly against the hard planes of his stomach. Judging by the way her eyes widened, he guessed her clit was now firmly wedged against him.

From that angle, the undersides of her breasts were still completely out of reach, but his kisses could reach everywhere else from the swelling tops to her tight, budding nipples. James teased the skin at the top for a bit, but he only had so much self-control in holding back from his ultimate target. Eagerly, he flicked his tongue along the side of an areola, darted to taste the other side. Only when Lily released her first breathy moan did he suck one into his mouth. The volume of her moans tripled.

Twitchily, her hips canted against his stomach as she unintentionally sought friction. At the graze of a blunt tooth against her nipple, her hips jerked again. James would have loved to free one of his hands, currently occupied with holding her bum, in order to play with her one neglected nipple, but he could recognize what Lily needed. Instead of giving in to his desires, he used his grip to lift her hips up and down, setting a rhythm where her clit would rub roughly against his stomach in time with each suck on her nipples. James thought Lily might start crying from the change, so ardent was her answering groan of pleasure.

If asked, James wouldn’t have been able to answer what was most painful for him in that moment. Every unforgiving tug of his hair as Lily fought to anchor herself against the sensation of having her nipples sucked? That someone as fucking perfect as Lily existed in such a twisted world? Or was it the agony of each thrust of his hips as his cock made contact with nothing but air?

Definitely the last option.

Lily didn’t help matters with what she did next. Out of the corner of his eye, he just barely noticed as her hand crept down to her unattended breast. He pulled back, just so he could watch in awe as she tweaked her own nipple between her thumb and forefinger.

“Fuck,” he groaned, broken. “What are you trying to do to me?”

In answer, Lily smiled mischievously at him. She looked delighted by his loss of control. Exalted.

He increased the pace at which her hips were slanting against him and returned once more to her lips. Even as she grew more artless with her pleasure cresting, he kissed her. In his mouth, he caught the sounds of her ecstasy as she came, bucking urgently against his abdomen.

With her body slumped limply into his, James finally relented in kissing her. Gingerly, he let her feet slide back to the floor, but he kept her pressed tight against him in case she crumbled. Her hair fell wildly, half escaping the confines of her ponytail and the rest still caught in the band. James pulled the remaining strands loose so she would look a bit more presentable. Not that she truly could, half-naked in the dark alcove.

When Lily regained her breath and started to pull away, James stopped her. “Do you still remember your name?”

“Umm, yes.”

“Then, I’m not done here, am I?” James said, guttural.

Slowly, he sank to his knees. Lily stared at him, lips parted and impossibly wide-eyed.

“Sound like a plan?” James prompted, wanting her approval before he moved forward.

Lily’s hair whipped around violently as she shook her head with enthusiasm, all agreement. Chuckling, James placed a kiss against her knee. Then, he began to pull her trousers off, Lily assisting. Studying her now revealed lacy, pink knickers, James wondered if they too were a product of laundry day or rather what Lily opted for on a daily basis. If they turned out to belong to a roommate, he was going to encourage her to steal them.

Carefully, he raised her left leg, guiding her to rest the calf on his shoulder and succeeding in spreading her perfectly before him. Feather-light, he trailed his fingers up from her ankle, skimming along the back of her knee, and barely brushing the smooth insides of her thighs over and over again. He heard Lily’s breath hitch and then restart several times.

“Have you done this before?” James asked before blowing directly at the front of her knickers.

“A few times,” came Lily’s shaky answer.

“Did you like it?” James prodded. Lily’s head bobbed up and down. “Do you think you’ll like it even more with me?” The same eager nodding. A scintillating stroke to his ego.

He tugged her knickers down, removing her calf from his shoulder just long enough to fling the garment aside before returning it. The lace fabric, as he removed it, was soaked through with the evidence of her first orgasm. His mouth flooded with the anticipation of drinking from the source.

It was the first time for him, seeing her pussy, as pretty as the rest of her. For a moment, it drew him up short. Then, because he figured she may still be sensitive from having her clit mashed against his abdomen, he focused on flicking her entrance with his tongue. He’d barely started, but his choice had his chin drenched in a matter of seconds. She was so tantalizingly wet. Around the prodding of his tongue as he drove a little deeper, he could feel the strength of her inner walls. Everything about the process was torture for him, and he had to give a relieving squeeze to his prick to ward off the pain.

Once she bucked her hips at him, he figured her sensitivity was waning and he could reposition a bit higher. Gently, he tapped the tip of his tongue against her clit, engorged and an angry red after her last orgasm. He didn’t quite penetrate her, but he teased her opening with his fingers, earning a keen from Lily.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G. He began to spell out each letter of the alphabet with his tongue, sticking to stiff, short strokes along her clit for the vertical lines and sweeping arcs that encompassed her clitoral hood and extended to her soft pussy lips for each curve. She particularly liked ‘I,’ and by ‘N’ she’d begun to shake, her calf shuddering violently from its perch. The stiff stab of ‘T’ proved too much for her, and Lily came, wailing and clutching at his hair like he might pull away too soon.

Sexy. Too sexy. Undone like that, Lily was lethal. Someday, maybe the day after the one he dedicated to her tits, he was going to spend a day doing nothing but lapping at her pussy to see how many times she could come. The prospect made him lick his lips. His very wet lips.

“What’s your name?” James asked again.

“What?” Lily asked back, blearily.

He nipped her thigh. “Close enough.”

A little giddy, Lily threw her head back and laughed. He was going to have to send her off to bed soon. The emotional lows followed by the physical highs were going to make her loopy.

“I think it’s your turn,” Lily giggled and kissed his jaw.

James swallowed, a little unsure what his turn would entail and not wanting to get too excited. Honestly, if she tried now, it would be the shortest blowjob of his life.

He unbuttoned his trousers and took his prick out. Without having to look, which meant she could maintain eye contact with him, Lily’s hand snuck downwards and felt him out. Like the last time she’d touched him, he was struck by how tiny her hand was. In his own grip, he could cover the entirety of his cock with slack, but her hand barely closed around him. Not that he minded when she began to pump him up and down. Her thumb brushed his tip lightly on each stroke, smearing the moisture that collected there.

A hand was a hand, but the visual was unparalleled. James could glance down at her tits, watching the way they almost imperceptibly swayed with her heavy breathing, or he could look into her eyes, so pretty and alive. Everything was amplified each time he remembered that it was Lily’s hand on his cock. Those weren’t just her eyes. They were her eyes as she jerked him off.

In an alcove.

Idly, Lily brought two fingers from her free hand up to her pouty lips. She smirked at him for just a second before sucking the digits into her mouth, causing them to disappear up to the second knuckle. He almost collapsed.

Instead, he slammed his hips forward urgently, a desperate bid for her to increase the pressure and speed on his cock. In a growl, he demanded, “Are you fucking kidding me with that?”

Lily smiled around her fingers before beginning to suck up and down. They started to glisten. He could see a peek of how her tongue caressed the pads of her fingertips. He wished, frantically, that those were his fingers, the ones still drenched with her juices. Or that she was on her knees and it was her mouth, not her hand, on his cock.

“Soon,” he panted, teeth clenching every few seconds. “You’re going to suck me off. Soon.”

The hand on his cock gripped him tighter. His balls, still tucked in his trousers, felt heavy. Everything felt good. Better than good.

“Nod if you’d like that, Lily. To suck my cock with those perfect, fucking lips. Just…ugh…nod for me.”

Lily pulled her fingers from the depths of her mouth so they rested on her parted, lower lip. Then, achingly slowly, she nodded.

James came hard.

He had to scramble to reposition himself so his come would only splash along Lily’s hand and not land all over her naked body. _Thinking_ about how it would look if it did decorate her stomach, her tits, wrenched another wave from him.

It felt like his soul was centralized in his cock. Everything he cared about was there, and he couldn’t feel so much as a muscle in his body, one organ the singular focus of his brain. Too damn good.

And when his knees gave out, Lily was there to lean on until he could catch his breath.

Somehow they ended up in a tangle on the floor, propped against each other and the wall, like one level of support wouldn’t be enough to hold them. The necessary spells had been cast to remove any lingering stickiness and their clothes had found their way back onto their bodies, even though Lily’s jumper was obviously on backwards. Once James’ legs stopped feeling like they’d been deboned, they could return to Gryffindor Tower and the wonders of their own beds. Sleep would be greatly appreciated.

Dreamily, Lily murmured, “When you tally up the points for rounds tonight, make sure you take twenty from Gryffindor?”

James was too tired to do a double-take at that, but he did raise his eyebrows and ask, “What for? We didn’t catch any Gryffindors out tonight.”

“Well, no, but what we just did was…well, it was very against the rules,” Lily said.

If James hadn’t been afraid he’d fall asleep on the spot, he would have wearily closed his eyes at her ridiculousness. She wanted to dock points from them, for an activity they had both happily engaged in together. She was out of her mind. A pet through and through.

“I’m not taking points off for that. We weren’t caught!” James said.

“Only because we were on duty!” Lily argued. “Here, look at it this way, I caught you and you caught me. So I’m taking ten points, and you should do the same.”

“No. No!”

Lily twisted out of his arms, less tired than him apparently, and frowned at him. “We took points from Ravenclaw and Slytherin for the same thing.”

“Yeah, well I’m not in Ravenclaw or Slytherin,” James said.

It wasn’t like the House Cup mattered terribly to him. He preferred to bring his house glory out on the pitch. That said, he didn’t feel like doing the other houses any favors. Cheating was only cheating if someone found you out, and it wasn’t like the prefects from other houses were docking points from themselves for bad behavior.

“I’ll feel like a hypocrite if we don’t. Dirty, somehow,” Lily said.

“Well you should feel dirty after that display just now. Merlin, Lily,” James grinned.

Lily was adorable enough to blush, like she hadn’t just had her hand on his prick and sucked on her fingers like a cock. Too sweet to be real.

“I don’t really know where that came from,” Lily admitted. “It was a bit out of character.”

“Would you mind terribly making it a regular occurrence? I rather liked whatever that was,” James teased.

Still blushing, Lily lightly smacked his arm, but he could tell that she was amused. Reading Lily’s facial expressions had become easy, a language in which he’d already surpassed fluency.

“Just take the points, please,” Lily insisted.

James relented to please her. He was beginning to wonder where he’d draw the line because increasingly it felt like he’d do anything to make her smile.

Feeling like enough had passed between them that he could address some of his questions from that day, James asked, “So, what had you looking like you’d swallowed a vat of Living Death earlier?”

His question could have referred to her skipping class or freak out about Mulciber. A little clarity on either would be helpful as he was hopelessly lost.

Lily winced lightly. “I’ve had a falling out with Shelia. It had me kind of upset.”

“Typical girl stuff or something more?”

“Definitely something more.”

James nodded solemnly. He wanted to choose what he said next carefully because he knew all too well how Lily reacted when he pushed her for answers she wasn’t ready to give.

“In class today, it looked like the other girls were pretty cross with Shelia too,” James said.

“Yeah, Alice went ballistic yesterday. Marlene too. Had Mary been there, I’m sure she’d have been cursing as well,” Lily said.

Alice being furious didn’t lend much credence to his theory that Shelia had shagged Mary’s boyfriend. Her rage would have been directed solidly at the lanky sod, not at Shelia. Then again, she’d held some grudge against Alice Sprout, the Alice that had nabbed her ex-boyfriend, so it was possible the situation had hit too close to home.

“Are you angry?” James asked, hedging around the real question in the hope Lily would just give the answers to him.

Miserably, Lily sighed. “So, so angry, but also, not really. I’m...she doesn’t get it, and I know that. I mean, if she did understand, even a little bit, there’s no way she could do that to me, but…she’s my best friend. I love her so much, and she can’t even try to see things from my perspective. God and some of the things she said to me were so awful. Really personal attacks that came out of nowhere. I don’t see how we can ever be friends again, and I’m just…”

Considering Lily had forgiven Snape for his shite, James wondered what could be bad enough to make Lily abandon Shelia. Especially if it was a permanent break.

“I can’t tell you what it was because it’s not my secret to tell, but Sirius did something really terrible when we were in fifth year,” James said slowly.

Lily, who had been staring dejectedly at the floor, turned to meet his gaze.

Continuing, James said, “He betrayed Remus’s trust really badly and none of us could understand it. What he did was reckless and stupid and dangerous. All for no purpose. You probably didn’t notice but none of us spoke to him for about a month.”

“That’s not possible. I would have noticed that,” Lily interjected.

“Nah, we’re private people. None of us wanted it to get around – Sirius included – so we all put in the work so it wouldn’t be obvious,” James explained. “Anyway, I just really wondered if any of us could ever be friends with him again. I’m not trying to give you advice on making up with Shelia because I don’t know what she did, but I do understand how you feel a bit. Throughout all of it, he never stopped being my best mate, and it scared the shit out of me that I could lose him. By my own choice. I could just cut him out of my life. It was real touch and go, and I was right miserable because I knew, or thought I knew, that it was the right thing to do, but I knew it was going to destroy me too. I was almost as mad at him for putting me in that position as for what he did wrong in the first place.”

“I feel like I’m bleeding, just bleeding people left and right,” Lily whispered. “Everyone turns on me eventually: Petunia, Sev, and now Shelia. I try so hard to be what everyone wants me to be, and I’m still always abandoned in the end.”

“What’d she do, Lily?” James asked softly.

“Remember our conflict resolution from yesterday with those kids? Well, it was kind of like that,” Lily said, a crooked smile on her face and no humor in her voice. “And you know how terrible her history with men is.”

“She’s dating one of those death eater wannabes? And she doesn’t see anything wrong with it?” James guessed.

Lily shrugged, but it wasn’t a denial.

He wanted to punch a wall. Talking to those kids in Hufflepuff had been frustrating, but they’d been kids. It had made some sense that their understanding of the situation wasn’t nuanced enough to make sound decisions. But Shelia? She was a seventh-year and best friends with two muggleborns. She had no excuse.

“Want me to kick her off the team?” James asked before he could stop himself. He instantly regretted it because he needed a keeper. Honestly, his priorities were out of control lately.

To his surprise, Lily cackled a bit. He’d expected her to chastise him and dismiss the idea. The fear that she might take him up on his offer crept up his spine. The candidates for a reserve keeper were small and despite his frequent complaints, he hadn’t actually given up on his team. Oh Merlin, they’d never win a match without a decent keeper.

“It would teach her a lesson,” Lily laughed, but then the humor left her and her shoulders visibly deflated. “But I think she has this victimized, forbidden love thing going on, so actual persecution would just play into that. She’ll start talking about how everyone’s trying to separate the greatest love in Hogwarts history or some shite like that.”

Mates didn’t choose someone they’d been shagging for all of a week over each other. Before, James had questioned where his line to making Lily happy lay. The answer was right in front of his friends. He would do a lot, but he wouldn’t betray them. He wouldn’t even make them mildly uncomfortable on Lily’s behalf. Friendship was one part fun and three parts loyalty. It was camaraderie and shared experiences. None of that could exist if one person wasn’t trusted to care about the wellbeing of the others.

Shelia wasn’t the brightest girl in school. She seemed to know fuck-all about men if her past relationships were anything to go by. And she obviously didn’t understand friendship. There didn’t seem to be a lot she did know.

“What made you forgive Sirius?” Lily asked. “For whatever it is he did.”

“A couple things, I suppose,” James said. “He was sorry. I knew he was never going to do anything like that again. It was a one-off. Then, it was just knowing what my life would be like without him in it. I was punishing myself every bit as much as him. Eventually, I decided it wasn’t worth it.”

“Shelia’s not sorry, and she’s going to keep seeing him,” Lily said, mouth downturned like a frown had been painted onto her lips. “But you know what’s the worst thing? A part of me still wants to forgive her for reason number three. It’s awful, but I can’t do it again. I’ve already been through this with Sev. I shouldn’t have to do it with her too. Like I told those Hufflepuffs, it’s about self-respect.”

Maybe it was inconsiderate, but James couldn’t resist the opening. The fact that Lily was “friends” with Snape again drove him barmy. Of all the stupid decisions. It was like everything she’d learned over the years had regressed, and frankly, he didn’t want to be snogging a bird who could stand Severus Snape’s company. There were a couple of points he would like to drive home.

“I don’t get it with you two. You’re right, it is about self-respect, and I don’t know how you can have any while being friends with Snape. He’s a monster, and you just close your eyes to it,” James said hotly.

Lily closed her eyes wearily. “Please, don’t. I don’t want to have this conversation again –”

“Maybe you need someone to force you to have this conversation,” James snapped. “I’m proud of you for all of this drama with Shelia. Good for you! You should drop her for being a traitor! But Snape’s a traitor and then some. Unless you’re short on grease for your cooking, I can’t figure out why you’d keep him around.”

“I don’t know! Maybe because I know he’ll stay, which is more than I can say for you, so I’m not sure where you get off lecturing me!” Lily growled at him.

A beat passed. He had no idea what he could say. He knew what he wanted to say: _I promise you, on my honor, on my wand, on my soul, I will not leave you_. But how could he say that when he’d never dated a girl for more than a few months. When he’d only been snogging this girl for a little over a week. She’d never believe him.

Somewhere deep inside, the part of him that had always been decisive, known what he wanted and pursued it, knew those promises weren’t a whim. He already knew what his future held. Maybe he wasn’t naturally inept at Divination after all, because all he saw was her.

More calmly, like she regretted lashing out at him, Lily explained, “Sev will never leave me. He’ll be there until I send him away. I don’t trust anyone else to do that, not really. I would have said none of the girls would leave until after Hogwarts was over, but even that’s not true. I want people to know me, and Sev does –” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ears, looking small and self-conscious. “–Honestly, I don’t want to be around him most of the time. I haven’t forgiven him at all, but I know that when I’m weak, I’ll regret not having him to lean on. If I wake up one day and everyone else is gone, at least I won’t be completely alone.”

He wavered for a long moment on just how much to give away, an uncharacteristic hesitation because he usually just said what he felt, damning the consequences, but then he said, “You need to start trusting new people. You’ve had some bad luck, but that doesn’t mean that’s the way the world works. I mean, look at me. I’ve had nothing but good luck in that department. All I know is that you deserve a hell of a lot more than Severus Snape. Or Shelia Marks.”

Lily climbed warily to her feet. She looked worn, adult. James wondered if he’d always related the two, if maybe adulthood wasn’t just the development of misery.

Absently, she drifted towards the door to make her way back to Gryffindor Tower, beckoning him to follow. Right as she twisted the door knob, she turned back to him and asked quietly, wryly, “What do I deserve then?”

He didn’t answer out loud. Already, she was hurrying back to Gryffindor Tower. The answer, however, blazed to the forefront of his mind, with the kind of surety that only accompanied that unadulterated truth.

_Everything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always end my James chapters in the sappiest ways omg. Anyways, let me know what you all thought, and again, I hope this cheered some people up.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now for your regularly scheduled update! I’m happy to hear from some of you that Wednesday’s chapter cheered you up a bit. I figured it’s not really a treat if I then make you wait a week and change for the next chapter, so I’m releasing this one as well. It’s on the shorter side, but a few important pieces move around here.
> 
> Warning for violence and general Nott ickiness.
> 
> Also there’s some Snape stuff in here that I think a few readers will find controversial, so if you’re feeling frustrated, please read my author’s note at the bottom as well.

**October 25, 1977**

 

This was how she was going out in the world. Her moment of death. There was no way she could continue on like this for a second longer. Pushing and pushing as she was, her lungs were sure to explode if she didn’t stop immediately.

She didn’t.

Instead, Lily rounded the gamekeeper’s hut and kept running, just like she’d kept running when the first lag had hit twenty minutes into her run, and the second, thirty-five minutes into it. Now, after forty-five minutes of running with all her might, she was beginning to flag again.

The path that looped down from the castle and circled the edges of the grounds was undeniably beautiful. Beneath her sure steps, the fallen leaves, evidence that picnic weather was well and truly over, crunched satisfactorily. Loud in the silence of the day. It wasn’t so late into the autumn season, however, that the grass had lost its luster, so the hills over which she ran were lush and green. Her path took her past the forest, where the trees rose tall and imposing, the threat they held at night diluted by the clarity of the sun. Rather than sinister, the Black Lake gleamed tantalizingly as the sun reflected off its depths. Even the little hut that the gamekeeper called home looked quaint and charming – all welcoming brown stone and smoke escaping from the chimney.

Despite the glories of the day, Lily didn’t feel much appreciation for it. Focusing on anything but the ache of her body as she ran was a chore. Tantamount to an impossibility.

She was horribly out of shape. A month and a half at Hogwarts had eroded any gains she’d made after a summer of jogging. Her calves quivered with each solid foot fall and the cramp in her abdomen threatened to hobble her with every step.

Of course, even if Lily had been in the best shape of her life, she’d still have been wracked with agony from her run that afternoon. The pace she’d set for herself was punishing. She ignored the limitations of her body and drove forward, even as her heart began to beat in double time and the oxygen she breathed began to feel like it was icy enough to burn her throat.

A casual observer might have guessed that Lily was running away from something. Knowing the details of her life, they may have presumed that she was running away from the wreckage of her friendship with Shelia or the humiliation inflicted by Nott. Such an observer, however, would be wrong, failing to understand Lily’s worldview. Her run wasn’t about escaping from the reality of her situation; it was about striving, pushing herself to victories she never knew she could reach. She needed to prove to herself that she could push beyond any challenge, that her discipline was needle sharp and stronger than the protests of her mind and body.

She’d managed to attend all of her morning classes, even though a part of her wanted to maintain her seclusion in her room, continue hiding until the schoolyear was over and she’d never have to see Shelia again. In large part, she’d been able to summon the courage to wake up and face the day because of James. Nothing was fixed after their conversation, but he’d succeeded in making her feel a little less alone. More importantly, he’d understood her. None of the other girls showed any sorrow over losing Shelia. They were too mired in anger to focus on anything else. It had left Lily isolated in her heart break. James had understood though. With whatever had happened with Sirius, James had been forced to face the same gut-wrenching indecision that now tore her between weeping and screaming out her fury.

Lunch, which Lily had foregone in favor of her run, would be finishing up soon. Already, she could see a few students trickling out of the castle and heading for the greenhouses. Soon, Lily would have to join them.

She stopped at the edge of the greenhouses to catch her breath, hands on her thighs and breath rushing against her knees as she bent in half. There was no time before class began to rush back to her dormitory and take a shower. Magic could solve most of her immediate problems – a liberal drying spell to soak up the majority of the sweat and a perfume charm to mask the undeniable reality that she’d begun to smell – but it wasn’t a perfect fix. The feeling of being dirty would still cling to her, and her hair was probably a limp mess.

Her plan to best Nott was still at the forefront of her mind. Today, she was going to laugh in his face every time he attempted to demean her. Because who was he to make her feel small? Her discovery of Shelia’s betrayal had done nothing to diminish her desire. If anything, it had exacerbated her need to shut Nott down once and for all.

Head held high, Lily walked into the greenhouse. No Nott yet, so she was able to set up at their shared table without any self-consciousness. Susan Kerns stopped by her table to chat for a bit. They kept the conversation light, but Lily could hear the gratitude dripping behind every word. It was a good reminder of why she’d taken Nott on in the first place.

Susan, of course, all but disapparated when Nott entered the greenhouse, smug and smiling. Lily supposed he considered his relationship with Shelia a victory. Grudgingly, Lily could admit that it was. Still, she’d turn the tables soon enough.

Not able to wait until he was seated today, Nott greeted her with a sugary smile while he was still halfway across the room. The git.

“Nice robes,” Lily sneered. “Did you roll down a hill? Pity you didn’t break your neck at the bottom.”

For a moment, Lily was able to revel in the fact that she had taken Nott completely by surprise. He blinked down at his robes, which were stained and mussed – Lily had taken notice immediately because it was at odds with his normally immaculate appearance and she’d been on the lookout for flaws to point out – and back at her.

Satisfied that she’d succeeded in shutting him up before he could even get started, Lily turned towards the pod she was supposed to be splitting. Who’d have guessed that all it took was a pointed insult and Nott crumbled to nothing? Digging in with her elbow, she began to bury her trowel into the lip of the pod. It resisted her efforts to split it open.

Unfortunately, in that time, Nott managed to recover from her unprecedented attack. “No rolling down hills, just a healthy bout of snogging. Don’t be jealous now, mudblood.”

“Please,” Lily drawled with a confidence she didn’t feel. “There’s nothing healthy about it. You’re probably diseased.”

“Hardly. That’s a fairytale my grandfather used to tell, you know. Kiss a muggle and you’ll fall ill and die within a week. Filthy, diseased creatures,” Nott said.

“If kissing you would kill you, I’d volunteer,” Lily hissed.

She regretted her words instantly. Regretted how it took the conversation in a direction that could only turn violent and horrifying for her. The worst thing about Nott had always been how his ugliness blended with something else, an awareness in her body that made her want to curl in on herself. The satisfaction he took in making her suffer had always bordered on the sexual, what with the way he’d lick his lips and watch her avidly for the most microscopic of reactions.

“As much as I enjoy you knowing your place, I save myself for someone more deserving,” Nott said.

He was looking at her lips though. Without thinking, she sucked them into her mouth so that her mouth compressed into a tight, white line.

“You can stop bringing up Shelia. It’s not going to hurt me,” Lily lied.

“No?” Nott asked, arching an eyebrow.

“God, you’re such a creep,” Lily exploded – a quiet explosion, but a vehement and unintentional exclamation all the same. “Just how obsessed with me are you? I’m starting to wonder if you’re only dating Shelia to try and get to me, and honestly, it’s pathetic.”

Nott narrowed his eyes at her, and Lily gained the impression that she’d actually offended him.

“Self-important, mudblood bitch. I’m with Shelia because she’s an extraordinary person. I recognize that your inferior breed probably doesn’t have the intelligence to realize as much, but it’s disgusting that you’d confuse yourself. You’re almost making me feel sorry for you,” Nott said.

“You actually like Shelia?”

“Do you require repetition to understand everything?” Nott laughed.

Lily hadn’t really believed that Nott was dating Shelia to get to her. After all, boys had never required much reason to go for Shelia. She was gorgeous and fun and a million other good qualities that Lily had recently begun to question. Still, she hadn’t expected the vehement defense of Shelia, the suggestion that Nott truly cared about her. Everything Shelia had said about her once-mystery boyfriend, about how he listened to her and respected her and made her feel more wonderful than any boy she’d ever met, returned to Lily in an uncomfortable rush.

Unsure how to proceed, she focused on her pod once more. The idea of Nott as a person capable of legitimate feelings was unsettling. Better left unconsidered.

Nott didn’t let her remain silent for long. “You should apologize for what you said earlier, about wanting me to break my neck. It would be a travesty for any of my blood to be lost.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me?” Lily hissed.

“No, you should get on your knees and beg me to forgive you, undeserving as you are,” Nott said, eyes intent on her profile. “I bet you look good there. On your knees. The only place where you’ve ever felt at home.”

“You know, you’re not Shelia’s first boyfriend. Want to take a guess at what number you are?” Lily snarled, goading him with the ferocity of her glare. “Go on, guess. No? Number sixteen. You may think you’re special to Shelia, but you’re the sixteenth bloke that she’s sworn is the one and where are they now? She’s going to be over you and panting under some other arsehole within a month. So, who’s self-important now?”

A stricken Nott was apparently a Nott overcome with incandescent rage. Lily actually worried that his accidental magic might flare up and attack her in some way. Any insult from Lily would have been a slight he couldn’t ignore, prompting within him a need to punish her for her gall. Shelia, however, was his weak point, someone he actually cared about. It felt endlessly good to stab into that soft spot with her words and twist.

It wasn’t the only kind of stabbing that happened in that minute.

The sharp edge of Nott’s trowel fell down hard on Lily’s hand, slashing a shallow cut from the last knuckle of her little finger, diagonally across to her wrist. She shrieked at the abrupt attack. The trowels weren’t designed to function as weapons so he hadn’t been able to pierce too deeply beyond her skin but blood already welled up from the wound.

She didn’t remember crying out, but she must have because the entire class turned to stare at her and Professor Humphries came bustling over. The enormity of what had just taken place competed with the pain for precedence in Lily’s mind. Her blood started to trickle down her wrist before she could think to stop the flow.

“What happened?” Professor Humphries twittered over Lily’s hand.

“My mind slipped and I caught her with my trowel,” Nott replied promptly.

“ _Slipped_?” Lily practically shrieked. “You attacked me on purpose!”

“Now, Miss Evans, remain calm,” Humphries ordered urgently, eyes flicking nervously at the prospect of an altercation in his classroom. Humphries had always valued peace over justice. “Why would Mr. Nott try to hurt you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because my parents are muggles,” Lily said all sarcastic bite and targeted fury.

Her controversial answer had Humphries sucking in a labored breath. The last thing Humphries wanted was to sort through the fallout of blood politics in the classroom. Lily doubted there was a professor in Hogwarts who would be less amenable to such responsibility.

So when Nott insisted it was only an accident, it was the answer that Humphries wanted to hear. Already, Lily could see her professor’s mind had moved on to plotting the best way to diffuse the situation. Lily’s still bleeding hand forgotten.

To be fair, Humphries wasn’t the only one who wanted to shut her up. The class was mostly comprised of Ravenclaws, but there were a fair number of Slytherins as well. Most of them were glaring like that would convince her to recant.

Angelina Carlson, a Slytherin and absolute brat, spoke up next and drove the final nail into the coffin that held Lily’s chances with Humphries. “Professor, the whole school knows that Evans is rowing with Preston’s girlfriend. She could just be making it up to get back at her.”

Of all the stupid excuses, Lily would rank that at the top. To Humphries, however, it was anything but stupid. She was far more comfortable with the typical teenage drama. It was the out she craved.

“All of these are serious accusations and best forgotten,” Humphries said, adopting her most stern tone.

Lily snorted in disgust and stood up from her stool. She was lucky to have the Hospital Wing as an excuse to leave because she was too appalled to stomach another minute of such a farce.

“Here, I’ll accompany Lily to the Hospital Wing,” Nott offered. “She shouldn’t go alone.”

The one thing Humphries did right was shut that suggestion down. She recognized neither of them could be trusted alone together, so Lily was free to make her way back to the castle without fear that a psychopath was going to strangle her and ditch the body in the woods.

As she left, Lily spat, “Something tells me Dumbledore will take a different view of this.”

Once she was out of the view of the Greenhouses, Lily stopped and stripped off her robes. She balled the fabric up and pressed the fabric to the cut. Instantly, the pressure alleviated the worst of the pain. Her robes would be fine eventually. From a few messy periods, Lily knew the house elves did exemplary work with blood stains.

Her body buzzed with the intensity of her anger. She’d been so sure that Nott would never dare stoop to violence. His attacks had always been clinical feats of control. Lily wondered whether it had been premeditated at all or if Nott had lashed out without thinking, brimming with rage after being prodded.

The worst of her indignation was saved for Humphries, the very definition of a sniveling coward. Lily had never expected Humphries to step in before because she recognized her professor’s reluctance to become involved. Blood, however, had been drawn. In the face of that, neutrality was criminal.

Halfway to the Hospital Wing, and she ran into the last person she could handle while so riled up: Sev. He was flipping absently through a heavy tome while rounding a corner and they almost collided. Too charged to deal with him, Lily picked up her pace without a word.

“I knew it!” Sev said and he turned to pursue her. “I knew you were avoiding me. Why? Tell me why you’re suddenly –”

“I’m not ignoring you. I’m hurt and going to the Hospital Wing,” Lily said. The prospect of having to nurture Sev through his insecurities was causing her cut to pulse.

“You’re hurt?” he sounded less concerned than interested in verifying the validity of her story.

“Yes. I have a cut on my hand,” Lily said, terse.

“Hmm,” Sev replied, already uninterested. “I’ll escort you. I’d intended to take my book back to the Library, but it can wait.”

Rather than answer, Lily sped up, like she was hoping he’d simply fall behind and give up. While not a tall man (his growth spurt was still ongoing), Sev’s legs were still long enough to easily keep pace with Lily.

“Your psychotic friend stabbed me with a trowel,” Lily said, words coming out unrestrained and vicious.

To Sev’s discredit, he had to think for a moment to put together the who. He probably had several friends that qualified as psychopaths.

“Nott stabbed you?” Sev queried, sounding distinctly uncomfortable. In all fairness, there was concern present there too, but it was buried beneath the first layer of discomfort, the part of him that never wanted to discuss his deplorable friends with Lily.

“He’s still in the greenhouses if you want to stop by and congratulate him,” Lily said. “I didn’t cry, but drawing blood has to count for something in that little game you sadists play.”

Lily could sense Sev’s urgency before he opened his mouth to defend himself. He could tell that she was pulling away once again, and it made him panic. His words – empty excuses and the same rehashed drivel she remembered from fifth year – fell on deaf ears as she pushed past the doors into the Hospital Wing.

The room was empty except for the bed in which Pettigrew had taken up permanent residence, curtains currently drawn shut. The absence of Pomfrey was deeply felt as it meant there was no one to force Severus to leave.

Still ignoring him, Lily removed the fabric from her cut. At first it stung, exposed to the open air, but after a moment, she was able to observe it objectively. It wasn’t actually that bad. She’d given herself worse while shaving. It was mostly just ugly due to the length. In other circumstances, she would have stayed in class as it didn’t demand a healer.

“– not my fault. Pomfrey will fix up your hand, and then everything will return to normal,” Severus babbled on. It wasn’t a verb that could typically be applied to him.

“Bugger off,” Lily snapped. “Nott told me, in graphic detail mind, how you’d choose to murder Marlene. My friend, Marlene. You’re despicable, with your stupid, stupid prejudices.”

Sev had the nerve to roll his eyes. “The stuff about McKinnon wasn’t serious. I play that stupid game because it’s how camaraderie is built in the dormitory. I wouldn’t actually hurt her. As for the prejudice –” here he lowered his voice as if he was worried a fellow Slytherin might come bursting out of the cupboards, having overheard his confession. “– You know I don’t actually believe that muggle blood makes someone inferior. I’m a half blood, and I’m worth a dozen of the purebloods at this school. Same goes for you. But if I want to have friends, the kind of people who can help me achieve my goals, I need to assimilate. It’s just a role, Lily.”

She was really tired of listening to his reasons.

“Yeah, well you can take your goals and go fuck yourself,” Lily snapped before returning to ignoring him.

He made it terribly difficult. Once, he’d been the kind of boy that blended into his surroundings. Someone often overlooked. With each year, he grew more imposing. His features were severe, his dress dramatic. He’d managed to cultivate an almost eerie persona, one that frequently disappeared around Lily, but lent him an air of import all the same.

“What do you need me to say?” Sev asked almost desperately.

“Say? I don’t want you to say anything. I want you to do something!” Lily cried, flinging her uninjured hand into the air. “Find a way to protect me! Stand up to Nott! You shouldn’t have to ask!”

Sev gripped her arm abruptly, pulling her close. Lily resisted, but he settled a hand on her cheek. Two of his fingers extended past and settled over her pulse. When her cheek shuddered, he could feel it against his fingertips.

Forcing her to look at him in the eye, Severus said, “I’ll make it stop. I promise. Do you hear me, Lily? I promise. For you, I’ll…I will keep you safe. Me.”

The violent attack hadn’t been enough to make her cry, but this might. She wanted to squirm out of his grip. She did give a half-hearted shimmy to break his hold, but she knew it was pointless. Sev was too frantic, consumed with the fear that she could abandon him again. A sick part of her wanted to accept his protection because all she’d ever wanted was for him to stand up for her and people like her, but she knew that this was not what Severus had in mind. Worse, accepting his offer now would come with a whole bevy of hidden clauses she wasn’t willing to sign onto. He wanted to own her.

Shaking him off, however, wouldn’t be possible without throwing a massive tantrum. It would require taking a stand and she wasn’t ready for that commitment. Things were shaky between them, yes, but she’d only had him back for such a short time. Maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible to nod her head and calm him down a bit, let him keep gripping her cheek until he found his center and could resume his usual, calm composure. Was she really willing to act like it was a crime that he worried about their friendship crumbling? She should be happy that he cared so much.

“Oy, she clearly wants you to leave her alone! Can’t you see she’s shaking?”

The need for Lily to make a decision regarding Severus was abruptly removed with the appearance of Peter Pettigrew. The curtains surrounding his bed were still waving back and forth, having been violently shoved out of the way so he could watch the drama as it unfolded. He’d crossed his arms and his eyes were cold.

“This is none of your concern,” Sev said to Peter, proving with the timber of his voice that Peter’s eyes were actually luke-warm. Sev redefined cold.

“It is my concern because Lily is a Gryffindor,” Peter said undeterred. “And you’re a slimy git who’d best keep his hands to himself.”

“Maybe you should go. Just so that I can get my hand treated,” Lily mumbled.

Severus looked at her, betrayed, so she tried to smile back reassuringly. It came off mangled and miserable. Blessedly, Severus did back away a bit, but he made no move to exit the Hospital Wing. He seemed geared up to take on Peter for preventing the meaningful moment he’d imagined with Lily.

“You shouldn’t act so tough, Pettigrew. You’re crippled with no mates to protect you. Not the odds you normally favor,” Severus threatened.

“Sev!” Lily gasped.

As vulnerable as she felt just then – she’d been pulled in far too many directions in the past half hour – she wasn’t about to sit idly by while Severus threatened to hurt a boy paralyzed from the waist down. Talk about unfair odds!

To no one including Lily’s surprise, Severus ignored her and continued to glare at Peter like he might pull out his wand at any moment. Unexpectedly, Peter didn’t cower though. Under the strength of Severus’s eyes, Lily thought no one would be to blame for being a little frightened, but Peter held strong.

“You’re not going to try nothing. And then you’re going to leave, without Lily, so she can get her hand treated,” Peter said firmly.

“Or what? You’ll call for Pomfrey?” Severus said derisively.

“If I have to,” Peter said, but then his eyes took on a mean glimmer. “But I’ll also tell James all about how you forced your greasy hands all over Lily while she didn’t want it.”

“I’m not afraid of Potter,” Severus said wildly.

His body was quivering with tension. Bringing James into the matter had been a miscalculation. Severus wanted nothing more than to destroy James and his friends. He had so much to prove. It made Lily feel sorry for him. To be that consumed by hatred was foreign to her. Even Nott didn’t inspire that kind of malice. Lily imagined it was a terrible way to live.

In addition to saving him from a life of darkness, Lily would have to work on building Sev’s confidence up a bit. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel so threatened by James and Sirius.

Peter’s answering smile was wicked. “Oh no, you shouldn’t worry about Prongs coming and hexing you. No, you should be worried about Lily. James will be awfully worried about her if he hears what she’s gone through. Attacked by a Slytherin and then man-handled by his greased-up mate. Bet he’ll want to offer her some comfort.”

Lily held her breath. Peter’s incendiary words could either convince Sev to back off, self-possessed enough to recognize that Peter was right and he was going to be the architect of his own worst nightmare, or he was going to explode. When his hand disappeared into the pocket of his robes, Lily thought it was all over. She reached out in the hopes of grabbing his arm and preventing him from hexing Peter, but it was unnecessary. Before he’d fully pulled his wand out of his pocket, he’d realized the validity of Peter’s words. James would be awfully concerned with everything that had happened, and Lily certainly was feeling vulnerable.

For not the first time, Lily realized that there was going to come a breaking point where she would have to choose between the two boys. Sev would never allow her to have both.

(A point in James’ favor: even though he hated it, James would let her have both and more).

Surprisingly gentle, Severus grabbed her injured hand. He looked at the cut for a long moment and gave her a gentle squeeze. The sign of his genuine concern after all the violence and horror of the last few minutes made tears collect in her eyes. She really did love the boy she’d met all those years ago, and he was there. Clearly visible for the first time in so long.

“Get this treated,” Severus said, voice awkwardly formal.

Then he left.

Every muscle in Lily’s body unclenched. Once she felt solid, she rushed towards Peter’s bed and gave him an enormous hug, decorating his hair with kisses of gratitude. When she pulled back, he was blushing and starry-eyed. He likely wasn’t used to being treated as the hero. In James’ and Sirius’s presence, he never had the chance. They would always act first.

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!”

“Don’t worry about it,” Peter said a bit sheepishly. Then, “You don’t actually need Pomfrey for a cut that size. Just dab a little of that poultice on and it will clear up by tomorrow.”

“Pomfrey’s letting you determine treatments now?” Lily teased as she crossed over to where Peter had pointed.

“Not exactly,” Peter admitted, “But I’d be a sorry observer if I hadn’t picked up a few things by now. I practically live here.”

Lily frowned sympathetically. Internally, she conceded that Peter was probably right and uncorked the fist-sized vial to which Peter had directed her. Through the rose-colored glass, the creamy solution had appeared a dark burgundy, but smeared over her fingertips, she could see it was actually a deep orange. When her fingers didn’t begin to burn on contact, she figured it was non-toxic and applied it liberally to her cut.

She noticed a bottle of Pepper-up next to the poultice she’d just used. Generally, the potions and medicines were kept locked up where only Pomfrey could access them, but these – and the other potions on the shelf – had been deemed common and non-dangerous. As Peter regaled her with the tale of how the house elves kept bringing him apple juice when he asked for pumpkin, it gave her an idea.

At her prompting, Peter agreed to turn over the last of his reviled apple juice. Unceremoniously, Lily emptied the glass into the Pepper-Up and shook. If she was right – and really, considering this was a potions question she had no doubt she was – then, the combination would be perfectly harmless. Only two alterations would take place: first, instead of the refreshing burst of mint they were expecting, the next student who took a sip would be greeted with the bitter tang of apple; second, the addition of the antioxidants should temporarily strengthen the effects of the potion so that the drinker would be overcome with a burst of giddiness in the first minute. Harmless but amusing.

Lily explained what she’d done to Peter, who looked delighted to have been included in one of her pranks. In fact, he was so pleased, he immediately began to brainstorm other ways he could be of assistance. Lily became mildly concerned he would offer her the shirt off his back in his excitement.

“Every time some nasty Slytherin walks in here, I could say we’re under quarantine with muggle pox and they best run or die!” Peter suggested eagerly.

Lily wavered, unsure whether it was wise to spread a Slytherin-wide rumor that an illness derived from muggles that proved lethal to purebloods existed and was spreading throughout Hogwarts. In the end, she relented on the off chance Nott would stop in sometime soon. It would serve him right. Besides, she could always ask Mary to place a clarification in the paper, mocking the pureblood bigots for their gullibility.

“Fine, just don’t scare off anyone who looks deathly ill,” Lily warned. Pranking shouldn’t interfere with a student’s health.

Peter nodded gamely. “You could also have the _Hogwarts Daily Mail_ write up a story on how I’m the unsung gem of Hogwarts blokes. Fill it up with quotes from you and your friends about how fit and funny I am.”

“Trying to scrounge up a date?” Lily laughed, giving him a friendly knock in the shoulder.

“Nah, cos it’s not like anyone will believe you girls think that about me. That’s why it’d be a laugh.”

Lily frowned. Surrounded by such larger-than-life friends, it made a degree of sense that Peter’s self-esteem, separate from the group, hadn’t been cultivated. Still his willingness to act as the butt of a joke about how he was supposedly unwantable was particularly depressing.

Firmly, Lily took Peter’s hand and said, “Nonsense. Any girl would be lucky to have you. No one would think it was a joke.”

She held his gaze until Peter blushed once more and looked away. There, that was settled.

“Thanks again for all your help. I about had a heart attack when you brought up James because I wasn’t sure how Sev would react. I guess it all worked out though,” Lily said.

Peter shrugged. “It just made sense. Anyone who fancied you would feel threatened by Prongs. It’s only natural.”

“Then, add on their person history,” Lily said.

“Speaking of James…he told me something about the two of you a while ago…that still true?” Peter asked.

“Well, that would depend on what he said, but probably,” Lily admitted.

“You’re hooking up with him?”

“Umm, yes and…I think you could say we’re dating too at this point. He’s not my boyfriend exactly, but we went on a date last Friday, and we’ve spent loads of time together since,” Lily confessed.

“Huh, he must have forgotten to mention you were the girl he took out last Friday.”

“Are you alright?”

Lily had to ask. Peter’s voice had taken on a strange tone. One that suggested he wasn’t impressed with this turn of events. She would have struggled to believe someone with such chubby cheeks could look so hard if she didn’t see it before her now.

“I’m fine…I just thought he’d taken Rin. They’ve been getting on so well,” Peter said.

Lily wanted to take that news in stride, but her stomach dropped unpleasantly all the same. It had been an assumption on her part, to think Rin was no longer in the picture. James had never told her he would stop seeing the Quidditch player and Rin had been there first. (A very irrational part of Lily wanted to contest that. She’d been front of James’ mind ever since she came back for fourth year with boobs).

Either Lily had become bogged down in what she wanted to believe – James considered what was brewing between them every bit as serious as Lily did – or she was guilty of myopia. She’d let down Erik, so of course James must have done the same. They were suppositions without any evidence to back them.

“Rin’s lovely,” Lily bit out. A horrible, horrible truth.

“Yeah, and Sirius really likes her,” Peter said.

He couldn’t have known that was the exact worst thing to say. Sirius decidedly did not care for Lily.

“Not that you’re not great too, Lily! I’d pick you over Rin any day!” Peter reassured her, realizing that what he’d said could be perceived as insensitive. All it did was rub the salt a little deeper in the wound. A blatant cover-up.

She didn’t doubt that Peter meant it though, so Lily said a bit weakly, “Thanks, Peter. You’re a good friend.”

They talked for a bit longer before Lily had to rush off to Ancient Runes. She wasn’t sure if she felt better or worse for having spoken to Peter, but at least he’d succeeded in getting her mind off Nott and Shelia. For that, she probably ought to send him a fruit basket.

During class, she decided to repeat her bit of prank outsourcing brilliance from the week before by sending notes to a few more overlooked students at Hogwarts, prompting them to engage in outlandish behaviors like sliding down the school bannisters while singing the school song. Just because he’d seemed to enjoy the attention from streaking across the Quidditch Pitch, Lily gave another assignment to Albert Albertson, too – pantsing every male Quidditch player at the school.

Runes was yet another class that Lily spent isolated from her closest friends. She sat beside Ryan McLaggen, who was harmless if a bit lecherous and mostly kept to herself. The one bright spot was Dorcas Meadowes who was only a sixth year but had been accepted into the NEWT-level class because her translation skills were so advanced.

Lily had always liked Dorcas: completely cool, a compelling mix of mischievous and dry, and she knew how to keep a secret. If she’d only been born four months earlier, Dorcas would have been sorted alongside Lily and become her best friend. Dorcas instead of Shelia.

That one-year barrier had always held them back because Lily, in all honesty, wasn’t the best at making new friends. Well, that wasn’t exactly fair. She could make friends but not deep ones, boasting a slew of casual friends but only a handful that owned a place in her heart. It seemed unfair that she and Dorcas had been artificially separated in such a way and learning to make new friends, genuine ones, was probably a good skill to nurture.

Class over, Lily decided to approach Dorcas. The girl was packing up her bag while simultaneously trying to read the last few lines of the scroll they’d been working on during class. When she saw Lily, she smiled and tucked a strand of dark-blonde-nearly-brown hair behind her ear.

“Tough lecture today, huh?” Lily said casually.

“The work is getting more rigorous,” Dorcas agreed, while probably thinking Lily was an idiot to be struggling as early in October. “You can borrow my notes if you want to look them over a bit.”

“Great, thanks, and if you ever want a partner to study with, I’d enjoy the company,” Lily said.

She winced internally. Her efforts to grow her friendship with Dorcas just sounded like she wanted to glom off her Runes genius. Dorcas was going to think Lily needed a tutor, not a mate. She decided to switch gears.

“You want to get dinner with me? Nothing special, but just us and the girls? You always sit so far down the table. I’d have to shout to talk to you, and then of course, everyone else would be bothered, which is no good,” Lily had to stop herself as she could have easily rambled on for another hour.

Hesitant, Dorcas bit her lip. She was probably thrown by Lily’s inexplicable eagerness. “Is this because of Shelia?”

The piercing question brought Lily up short because she honestly hadn’t expected Dorcas to ask something so invasive. Still, Lily took the time to seriously consider the question. Was she viewing Dorcas as a replacement for Shelia? Had she been looking for a Gryffindor to fill Shelia’s role in the group, Dorcas was certainly the obvious answer. No one else in the house had the requisite beauty and confidence. Yet, Lily didn’t think that was it. Not exactly, at least.

More, she thought that maybe the loss of Shelia would sting less if she knew she’d always be able to make new friends, that the world was filled with great people she’d never bothered to get to know. It wasn’t a matter of replacing Shelia because that could never happen. The loss of any friend, however, would ache less once Lily gained some confidence in herself.

“Maybe a little bit, but mostly, I’ve just always wished we were closer and thought you might want to get dinner,” Lily said.

Bright as can be, Dorcas beamed back at her. “I’ll see you at dinner then.”

When they parted, Lily felt indefinably proud. The world was mixed up and changing but maybe, she thought, she could change with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a quick note on Snape because I think a lot of people have been confused about where I stand on Snape and are understandably grossed out by him:
> 
> I don’t like him. I think he’s a bad person. That said, I think he’s an interesting character, and I think there’s a lot of natural conflict that springs from his relationship with Lily.
> 
> Please no one think that my writing that Snape isn’t actually bigoted against muggleborns is me defending him. It’s not. I’ve always thought there is zero evidence in canon to imply that Snape thought anything negative about muggleborns/muggles. What we see is actually a fair bit of evidence that he doesn’t think that way. (After all, the only 2 people we know he cared about in canon weren’t pureblood: Lily and himself). In many ways, the fact that Snape doesn’t share the values of the death eaters and still joins their bigoted terrorist group is WORSE because it means he’s knowingly willing to sacrifice a group of innocent people to achieve his own goals.
> 
> Anyway, what I’m trying to say, is please don’t come into my inbox to tell me that I’m woobifying Snape. I’m really not. And I promise you that this story will not reward him in the end.


	40. Oct 25: Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think a rearticulation of my views on Snape is warranted as I don’t think I did a great job explaining myself in the last A/N based on a few reviews I got. For the people who just came forward with their opinions, thanks for that. I do appreciate a good conversation and think understanding the Lily/Snape plot is going to be dependent on understanding what I was trying to get across in last chapter’s A/N.
> 
> What I was trying to get across is that the Snape of The Bet joined the death eaters solely for power. In an alternate reality where everything is exactly the same but Voldemort is leading a genocidal movement against purebloods, I think Snape would have signed up just as quickly (maybe faster given then he could target James). Because none of this is about the oppressed group for him. I thought this kind of dicey distinction was relevant solely because of how it informs Lily’s reactions. None of this is about liking Snape more or viewing him differently. It’s about understanding how Lily (at this point in the story) can draw a line between Snape and say Nott or Mulciber. (So while I think other interpretations of Snape based on the text are equally valid, I’d ask that you all suspend them for the sake of this story because otherwise Lily’s responses make literally no sense.)
> 
> So, absolutely call Snape a racist bigot until the end of times in this story and in canon. I wasn’t trying to diminish that because the distinction between how he believes vs. how he acts isn’t relevant to how he should be judged. And I would never offer this kind of examination to a real world racist. I think his actions in the books are inexcusable and that his motivations (in my opinion, a thirst for power) are every bit as despicable as a person who just hates muggleborns.
> 
> On a final note that is directed to only a small sub-strata of the people who reviewed, I think it’s incredibly sad that so many people have called Lily stupid or some variation thereof for not having a mature, girl power response to Snape. If you actually care so much about condemning Snape, I’d think you could find some empathy for a muggleborn girl who is suffering under a very intimate form of abuse and not handling it all that well. Because she’s 17. It’s not reasonable to expect a 17-year-old girl to be a champion of human rights and equality and handle everything perfectly. It’s an arc though – her conversations with Erik, Nott, her interactions with Snape – all of these are leading to where she ENDS the story. It’s about Lily finding a path that will guide her into the Order and into a life of self-respect and activism. You just have to wait for it.
> 
> And finally on this chapter: This chapter’s on the weird side, though I like it more upon rereading it than I thought I would. Let me know what you all think. I always appreciate the feedback!  
> Oh, also menstruation tw…like I can’t even believe what this story has become at this point, but I also lowkey despise that no one ever has a period in fic, so in the name of reality…

**Oct. 25, 1977**

 

Lily knew that dinner was going to be a strange, if not wild affair before she’d even entered the Great Hall. The tip off had been when James, walking a few meters in front of her, had his trousers magically dropped to his ankles in front of the entire student body. Even knowing the cause of the attack – Albert Albertson acting on Lily’s own orders to pants every male Quidditch player – she was still shocked at the sight of James in his (predictably) snitch-covered pants. Bizarrely, she’d never seen him in his pants before.

Surprised, James took a second to gawk at how his belt had delooped and his trousers had pooled to the floor. The Hall of students at this point was in an uproar, laughing and pointing with gusto. Once his surprise faded, James gave a stately wave, completely unashamed and turned around in a circle so that everyone could get a better view. Lily wanted to kick him for being an idiot, but he’d scooped up his trousers and moved towards Gryffindor table before she could get the chance.

Everything about dinner proceeded on in an equally surreal fashion, though not all of it passed in the same spirit of fun.

A glance down the table showed that none of the girls, with the exception of Alice, had arrived for dinner yet and Alice had (also predictably) chosen to sit beside the Marauders. It wasn’t the first time that they’d all had dinner together, but it was the first time that Lily would have dinner with them while dating – or maybe not, she really couldn’t keep track anymore – James. Joining them now felt significant.

She slipped into the seat beside Alice, adjacent to James but unfortunately across from Sirius. With James beside him, however, Lily figured Sirius would be too distracted to pay her any attention. All in all, a pretty strategically well-chosen spot. James spared her a quick smile, but the group was still stuck on James’ “legendary” entrance to the Great Hall with Remus declaring he wanted to find the culprit and give him a medal and James snickering about how he’d handled the unexpected attack and turned it into a show.

As much as Alice was enjoying the joke, she turned to Lily eagerly all the same. Normally, Alice wasn’t one to gossip, but her body was practically quivering, like she’d been holding in this gem of information all day, just waiting to speak to someone who could appreciate it.

“So you know how Shelia was trying to get in with the Ravenclaw girls now that we won’t have her?” Alice began. At Lily’s nod, she grinned and continued, “Well, Susan Kerns found out just what Shelia had done and lost her mind over it. Told Shelia that they wouldn’t have her either and that – and I am not embellishing this – she could go ‘choke on a bag of dicks.’”

“No way,” Lily said skeptically.

“I swear on my mother!”

Lily couldn’t resolve the soft, slightly shy Susan she’d known for years with the kind of girl that levied such violent language at a classmate. Still, it did kind of make sense. After all, Susan understood better than anyone the monstrousness of Preston Nott. Lily had dealt with his evil for two weeks, Susan for five. Surely, she could summon up the necessary level of antipathy for Nott’s oblivious, new girlfriend.

“Serves her right,” Marlene declared as she arrived at the table. She gave Sirius a quick kiss in greeting before settling into the seat to his right.

“How was your day? Anything worth sharing?” Marlene asked, only half-paying attention as she was focused on piling her plate up with ham.

_Preston Nott sliced my hand open with gardening equipment because I made light of his relationship with Shelia. No one believed me when I accused him because I’m, apparently, just a hysterical, little girl._

_Severus cornered me in the Hospital Wing and made me feel scared and small, but he also promised to protect me._

_Peter saved me from Sev but then made me question everything I have with James in the span of an hour._

“No, nothing much,” Lily said.

In a lot of ways, she hated herself for not being brave enough to speak out to her friends. She’d been so outraged in class when Humphries had dismissed Nott’s attack on her as no big deal, but here she was keeping it from her closest friends. It’s not like she doubted for a second that they would believe her. Once she told them what had happened, she’d have to hold Alice back from hexing Nott into oblivion, and Marlene would take up the war cry on her behalf about how Nott deserved to be expelled. Of course, with her arms busy stopping Alice, she wouldn’t be able to prevent James from tearing Nott to pieces.

All of her long-held reasons for keeping Nott’s abuse a secret remained valid. What she wanted was to forget. To feel safe and cherished amongst her closet friends. The moment the truth was out, her needs would be dismissed in favor of everyone losing their shit and attacking Nott. The drama wasn’t worth it.

“Where’s MacDonald?” Alice asked.

Marlene tightened up visibly and stabbed her fork into the slice of ham that she’d been cutting into smaller pieces. “Mary is eating dinner with _Erin Bauman_ today.”

The way she said Erin’s name held the same amount of vitriol Lily imagined a death eater would imbue into Dumbledore’s. Lily raised her eyebrows at Alice, but she didn’t seem to have any insight into what slight Erin might have committed to earn Marlene’s ire. In fact, Lily hadn’t realized Marlene knew Erin Bauman.

“And that’s…bad?” Lily asked hesitantly.

“Yes!” Marlene cried.

Absentmindedly as he was more focused on his pie than on Marlene’s theatrics, Sirius pat her hand. She didn’t show any signs of registering the comfort, too busy fuming at Mary’s choice in dinner partners. Cheeks pink and arms crossed, Marlene looked jealous. She had never had to share Mary with someone else before, and it made a lot of sense that she disliked the feeling now. She probably felt abandoned.

“Oh, Erin’s cool,” James said suddenly, as if he’d just come alive from a long nap. “She’s a lesbian too, you know.”

“I don’t see how that’s either here nor there,” Marlene said tersely.

“Oh. Oh!” James’ eyes widened. “Are you upset that Mary’s, ya know…into girls? I thought you wouldn’t care.”

Without hesitating, Lily lashed out with her foot to kick him under the table. She made contact with his ankle and two other feet. It seemed Sirius and Alice had done the exact same thing. James looked positively scandalized at having been chastised by all three of them at once. Somewhat sheepish, Lily retracted her foot, while Sirius did the same. They shared a wary look, unused to being on the same page like that.

It had been the obvious course of action though because Marlene…well, Marlene was not going to take kindly to that kind of insinuation.

“No!” Marlene practically screamed the word. “Of course I support Mary. No matter what, I will always support Mary in all of her endeavors. It makes no difference to me if she wants to date boys, girls, or the giant squid, and frankly, it’s pretty rude, no _outrageous_ , of you to suggest differently.”

Sirius’s patting of Marlene’s hand increased in speed, like he would be able to outpace her outrage.

James wasn’t to know just how loudly Marlene had been declaring her support of Mary to anyone that would listen. The rest of them knew all too well because they were a) dating her or b) unfortunate enough to live with her. Ever since Mary had come out in DADA, Marlene had been taking to twisting all conversations back into a long tirade about how all sexualities should be celebrated. It was like she was trying to make up for her years of ignorance about Mary’s sexuality by fitting all the conversations about injustice and tolerance into a two-day period.

There was just a little bit too much madness behind her proclamations, hinting that maybe all was not as well as she claimed. Lily hadn’t managed to put her finger on it, but she thought Marlene might have been struggling to truly accept that Mary had kept such an enormous secret for so long. In words, all had been forgiven, but the manic gleam in her eyes spoke of something different altogether.

Regardless, only one thing was for certain and that was that Marlene shouldn’t be tested on her handling of Mary.

Dorcas arrived a minute later to a still divided table – Marlene fuming in silence as Sirius rubbed at her shoulders, James fuming in silence but somehow making it loud because he was a big baby who couldn’t stand to be in the wrong, Alice and Remus making unnaturally loud small talk to try and pretend everything was alright. At the sight of her friend, soon to be best friend, Lily perked up. The seat to her left was open, so Dorcas slid in there.

Eating with Dorcas wasn’t a strange enough event for anyone to notice. Normally when they shared meals though, it was because all of the sixth-year girls were joining them. Lily couldn’t remember a time when Dorcas had just sat with them alone.

“Hullo. What are you guys talking about?” Dorcas asked cheerfully.

“Merlin, please don’t bring it up again,” Sirius pleaded.

Dorcas raised her eyebrows in question, so Lily said, “I think we were just in need of a subject change.”

“Oh, well I’ve been meaning to ask you, Marlene,” Dorcas said, “Are you going to write another piece of your interview with Sirius? I really enjoyed the first bit, and I think it would be fascinating to read how the tone’s shifted now that you’re dating.”

“She won’t if she wants to keep dating,” Sirius grumbled, but even Lily could tell he wasn’t being serious.

“You should take him to Madame Puddifoot’s. She’s imported some swans into her pond out back,” Dorcas grinned savagely. “I’d be just fascinated to read how Sirius bawls at the sight of the world’s most graceful bird.”

That reminder of Marlene’s past interview, in which she’d described Sirius’s eyes glistening with unshed tears as he stared at a baby owl, set Remus and James off into a round of hysterics. Everyone appeared eager to offer up their best suggestions as to where Sirius could find the most majestic beasts in the animal kingdom, ranging from a muggle zoo to a visit down to Hagrid’s for a tour of the ghastly menagerie he collected. Sirius bore all of this with good humor, though his smirk promised retribution to his worst hecklers.

“Actually, I’m not sure if I’ll write another,” Marlene said when everyone had finally settled down again. “I have another article planned to go out in tomorrow’s paper. I stayed up all night writing it and then proofed it in Transfiguration today. Once I get the go-ahead from the editors, that’ll print. I’m actually really proud of it.”

Now Lily was curious. She’d been too worn out to notice Marlene’s light on the night before, and Marlene always talked up her articles with the girls before publishing them. Usually they were privy to the details from the idea’s incubation to when it was finally sent off to the editor. Strange that she’d played this one so close to the chest.

“Oh, can I get a look at it? I’ve been a big fan of your column ever since you wrote about my hair being the shiniest in Hogwarts and wanting to steal my shampoo,” Dorcas said.

“Can’t have been too big a fan or you would have forked a bottle over,” Lily quipped.

Whatever secrecy had compelled Marlene as she wrote the article was gone now because she happily produced it from her bag. It was written in color-changing ink, so the words on the paper kept changing from garish greens to bright-hued pinks, rapidly enough to make Lily’s head spin. It took her a second to orient herself, leaning over the article with Dorcas, and actually read what it said.

The title _Pureblood Supremacy: A True Look at Blood and Popularity at Hogwarts_ had Lily’s head snapping up in surprise. This was not in the realm of the puff pieces Lily most associated with Marlene. The exact opposite. A part of her curled up in horror, afraid of what Marlene might have done.

What she read didn’t quite match her expectations. It read:

_A pureblood, a muggleborn, and a halfblood walk onto the Hogwarts Express. It’s September 1 st and these three eleven-year olds are about to be whisked away to their first year of Hogwarts. Already, the tests of popularity, in which it is decided who, amongst the student population have _it _and who don’t, begin. Natural selection at play, these students will board the boats to cross over to Hogwarts with a newly developed social order, one that will be modified and shaped over time but largely static. First impressions, after all, are important. (Read: The Hogwarts Daily Mail edition #11 for more details on making a good first impression)._

_Now, who in this scenario will be determined the coolest, worthy of sitting at the top of the first-year, social hierarchy? The pureblood, of course._

_And this, my dear reader, is only natural. For the pureblood student has a history of exposure to magic. They know what kinds of robes to wear, which teams to root for, which bands to herald. They’ve been prepped to not gawk at the enchanted ceiling in the Great Hall. (Remember, nothing makes you look like more of an outsider that naked awe). Some of the halfblood students may boast similar advantages, placing them as second or on par with the first tier, but the muggleborn student is handicapped from day one._

_There is no way to rectify this imbalance, and there doesn’t need to be. Centuries of magical heritage should be celebrated. To have magic so deeply ingrained in one’s person and family life is a beautiful occurrence, and it is only natural that the muggleborn student will be awestruck by their savvier, more experienced pureblood peers._

_It is after that first day that the problem begins to emerge._

_Given time, some of the more adaptable muggleborn students will begin to carve out a place for themselves amongst the top echelons of the Hogwarts popular crowd. Through wit or, perhaps, beauty the muggleborn can become someone to be reckoned with and as time passes and the differences that once seemed so deeply ingrained begin to disappear, the muggleborn student can quickly find themselves one of the most beloved students in the school._

_For some pureblood students, these developments are never recognized, and they continue to praise themselves as the pinnacle of the social order long after the rest of the school has stopped considering them as such. It quickly becomes obvious that there are two classes of purebloods: those that comport themselves with all the dignity of their heritage – the truly superior – and those that have not been endowed with any of the graces of their magical blood and must resort to pettiness to feel powerful – the pathetic._

_For privacy’s sake, I will refrain from using names, though I imagine these characters will read as obvious to any discerning reader. Take for example, Student A. He is almost universally despised by the student population, considered coarse and obnoxious. He offers nothing of value in conversation or to the school and smells absurdly of garlic at all times. Yet, he possesses the unsupported belief that he is ranked above all muggleborn and halfblood students solely on the fact that the last three generations of his family have no muggle heritage. Undoubtedly, Student A can fall into the category of the pathetic._

_Blood counts enormously, but Student A is lacking. The genes he has inherited have not instilled him with any social graces, and he struggles to make friends outside of a small group of students that accept him on principle. It can only be concluded that he and his family have nothing of value in their bloodline, beyond the passing of magical abilities._

_Compare that with Students B and C, brothers who hardly need a code to hide their identities as it will be plain to everyone reading to whom I refer. All one needs consider is their class, elegant good looks, refined mannerisms, and charm in conversation to recognize that these two brothers represent the best of pureblood stock. Careful breeding for decades – if not centuries – have been successful in creating two of the most wonderful gentlemen to grace Hogwart’s hallowed halls._

_The point of these examples is simple. Blood matters. No one would argue that blood and heritage are irrelevant. There are, however, degrees of value within pure bloodlines, ones that are easily discerned at the beginning of an acquaintance. The pathetics, like Student A, boast nothing worthy of pride and have no corner but to turn to preaching about their inherent superiority because they are so usurped by muggleborns in every other area of relevance. The elites, like Students B and C, need not rely on such rhetoric because their breeding is evident in their very manners._

_Further, it must be recognized that the muggleborn and halfblood student are perfectly capable of surpassing the pureblood student under this model. While not born with the same advantages, sheer charm and spirit may be enough to overcome even the most beloved members of the pureblood elites._

_Those who cling to the notion that they are born superior and that this advantage will benefit them always are only able to cling to this self-delusion by limiting their social circles to like-minded pathetics. Time will prove the superiority of some lines above others, but for those of us with an eye for Hogwarts social politics, it is already clear which of these lines are bound for greatness._

  * _Marlene McKinnon_



“Well, what did you think?”

Normally, a person described as speechless still possessed the ability to talk, they just refrained while collecting their thoughts. Lily thought her vocal chords might actually have been severed, so deep was her belief that she couldn’t say a word now if she tried. She stared at the article like the words might reorder themselves into paragraphs resembling something less…grotesque, pretentious, absurd. Lily didn’t even know what adjectives she could levy at what she’d just read.

To start, she was willing to say that Marlene had been reading too many nineteenth century novels and Miss Manners guides. It was the only way to explain the tone of the article and the many references to charming conversation. Lily half-expected Marlene to start discussing the traits of a good match and talking like the matriarch of a family in a Jane Austen novel.

Secondly, and more importantly, the content was just awful. Unless Lily was misinterpreting it, the article appeared to buy into the idea that old pureblood lines were innately superior. It was obvious that the brothers in question were the Black brothers, which essentially meant that Marlene had endorsed the Black family as noble and refined on the mere status of their heritage alone.

In her defense, Lily supposed Marlene had allowed for personal circumstances. In her world, muggleborns weren’t naturally scum. They just had to work harder to be found deserving.

Still…after years of internalizing the message of the pureblood bigots at the school and reading pro-Voldemort op-eds printed in the _Daily Prophet_ , it looked like Marlene had started to buy into all that hogwash. It was just about the saddest thing Lily had ever read. Yes, she’d always known Marlene to be resistant when it came to talking about the prejudice they faced, but Lily hadn’t realized this was the depth of her understanding on the issue.

“I wanted to come down on Nott, but he didn’t quite fit the mold of the pathetics that I was aiming for. I mean, he does and he doesn’t. So I settled for his best friend. I figured that would strike a blow all the same,” Marlene said conversationally. She was now resting her chin on Sirius’s shoulder as he read the bizarre article.

Ah, so Student A was Mulciber. Lily had been torn as she personally found Dolohov more repugnant. Mulciber was the only one who smelled of garlic though, so she supposed that should have been the giveaway. Lily wondered whether Mulciber knew he reeked of garlic and would recognize he was Student A come tomorrow when this went to print. Lily could only assume he didn’t because it boggled the mind why he wouldn’t otherwise just shower to alleviate the smell.

Others would though, and Lily was suddenly filled with fear on Marlene’s behalf. While her first instinct had been to view the article as an endorsement of the principles of blood prejudices, she doubted the bigots would view it as such. In fact, the article seemed to walk a fine line between both views, the kind that could infuriate students of all opinions. In that regard, Lily wondered whether her immediate reaction had been all wrong. Maybe this was Marlene’s idea of a stand, an article aimed at humiliating the worst offenders of bigotry in Hogwarts.

“So, what do you think?” Marlene asked happily. The question was now directed at Sirius.

“I think,” the first words coming slow like molasses before starting to spill from his mouth in a tirade, “that this is insane. You’re insane! ‘Centuries of breeding,’ you say that like it’s a good thing, like – fuck. Like, I should be so proud to be a member of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black. All this shite about my good comportment, like my mother isn’t a raging mess, like we’re not a thousand times more depraved and vulgar than the average family. All we do is put up some nice window dressings, and you just eat it out of their hands. Proud? Why would I be proud?”

“Well, why wouldn’t you?” Marlene asked a little timidly.

Lily thought Sirius’s head might explode. His anger transformed him so that he looked genuinely scary for the first time since Lily had met him. She didn’t understand how Marlene hadn’t withered to nothing under the force of his scowl.

“If you buy into any of this shite, you’re an idiot,” Sirius snapped.

Lily wished Mary was there because she would know how to articulate what Marlene was trying to convey, make it sound reasonable until Sirius backed down a bit. As much as Lily hated the article as well, she understood where Marlene was coming from all the same. Of course Marlene admired the seemingly most refined pureblood lines. All of the issues in her life, that deep insecurity that came with fearing she’d never be accepted, never belong, all of it would be solved by just being born a member of such a family. In a matter of months she’d gone from a Korean muggle to an English witch. That had to have been a destabilizing transition, and now all she wanted was to belong.

Explaining that to Sirius was impossible though because as much as Lily understood it as a feeling in her gut, she couldn’t find the words to make it seem sensible. All she could do was worry as she watched Marlene’s lip start to tremble. Always the most vulnerable one amongst them.

“Get Mary,” Lily whispered into Alice’s ear, then she turned to Sirius, who was still berating Marlene for her article, and said, “I don’t care for the way it was worded either, but she didn’t say purebloods are better. She said that lots are trash and some, that are great in their own right, must have good genes. It’s just a nature versus nurture debate.”

Lily didn’t much believe her defense of Marlene. Either purebloods were innately superior or they weren’t. You couldn’t just take the ones you disliked and disregard them. She wished Erik was there as well. He would be better suited for pinpointing Marlene’s logical failures in the article. Of the three of them, he was the most well-schooled on blood politics. For Lily, it was like trying to speak in a language she’d heard in the background her whole life but never fully bothered to learn; it made her words clumsy and imprecise.

“You can’t be defending that trash?” Sirius snarled at her.

“I don’t agree with a lot of it either, but you don’t need to make Marlene cry over it,” Lily hissed back, frustrated because she could have sworn she’d had this exact back-and-forth with Sirius before. They were stuck in a never-ending battle over how Marlene deserved to be treated. Yes, this time Marlene had started things off by writing something that was well and truly controversial, but he still didn’t earn the right to reduce her to a puddle of tears in the middle of the Great Hall. And that was exactly where things were headed if they didn’t switch tacks soon.

Sirius ignored her. Instead he said to Marlene, “I can’t be dating someone who has nice things to say about my family. Hell, I can’t be dating someone who has luke-warm things to say about my family.”

“What are you saying?” Marlene whimpered.

“I’m saying that you should go. I need to think,” Sirius answered back shortly.

Rather than railing about how he couldn’t just dismiss her from the table as Lily would have done, Marlene actually stood up to give him the space he wanted. She was crying but doing her best to hide it, like she didn’t want to burden Sirius with her tears. Lily wanted to scream as she watched Marlene walk away in shame. Lily would have followed, but she saw Mary, at Alice’s prompting, get up from the Ravenclaw table, and hurry to accost Marlene at the door. No one would provide Marlene with better comfort, though Lily did make a mental note to ask Erik if he would mind talking to Marlene a bit. Letting Marlene stew in her internalized prejudices for so long wasn’t healthy and talking to someone like Erik might do a world of good in waking her up a bit.

Almost as if nothing had just happened, Sirius returned to the plate in front of him, asking Remus to pass him the salt. It wasn’t quite the case, as Sirius was gripping his fork tightly enough that his knuckles had gone white, but even the display of indifference after making Marlene cry was enough to set Lily’s hackles up. She glared at Sirius, willing him to apologize in some way, while he continued to eat.

“You’re not going to go after her? She’s crying,” Lily said after it became clear that Sirius had no intention of acknowledging her death stare.

“Nope.”

Lily cast around the table for an ally but found none. Displaying more interest in their peas than anyone possibly should, Remus was staring at his plate and James had actually covered his ears with his hands to avoid having to engage. At her side, Dorcas was tensed up, deeply uncomfortable with the turn of events. Lily couldn’t blame her and would have to remember to reassure Dorcas that this was not what the average dinner looked like for her friends. With all the drama that had been happening lately, that bordered on a lie.

“I don’t understand how you don’t care at all,” Lily said.

Sirius threw his hands up dramatically, like Lily was the unreasonable one. “And I don’t understand how you can care so much! Do you have zero concept of what’s your business?”

“One of my best friends dating a guy who treats her like shit isn’t my business?” Lily demanded.

“Oh, so now I treat her like shit?” Sirius grit out, fingers digging into the wood of the table.

Lily leaned forward so that she could stare him in the eyes, cold and menacing as they were. “Yeah, yeah you do. Every time I see you two together, you’re saying one thing or another that’s insensitive. If she does anything you don’t like, says anything you don’t approve of, you bite her head off! And Marlene’s a sweetheart, which you should very well know. She’s not going to put you in your place, she’s going to just dwell on it, convince herself that she’s a terrible person. You’re chipping away at her self-esteem!”

Not that Marlene’s self-esteem had been that great to begin with, but it was the principle of the matter.

“Don’t try to imply that I don’t care about my girlfriend,” Sirius said, and it was as close to a threat as such a statement could be without pulling out a wand.

“What girlfriend? From what I just saw, you dumped her. She’s not your girlfriend anymore,” Lily said.

“I didn’t dump her,” Sirius said, and it came out half-strangled, like it had genuinely not occurred to him that Marlene could interpret his dismissal in such a way.

And Marlene totally had. If James ever said something like that to her, she’d assume he never wanted to see her again.

“I think you play fast and loose with people’s feelings, Black, and if you don’t want me to call you out on it, you should show a little more consideration to your girlfriend,” Lily said.

“Fast and loose with people’s feelings? That sounds like you, Evans,” Sirius said.

Lily ground her teeth together to prevent herself from demanding an explanation. She didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. Besides, it wasn’t hard to figure out what he meant. Sirius cast a sly sideways look at James, who was still pretending nothing was happening, to the right of him.

It was a slap in the face as sure as anything. Lily was _not_ playing with James’ feelings in any shape or form. They were dating, and yes, maybe they’d taken an untraditional path as they sorted through it, but that was their right. Sirius judging her because she hadn’t dropped her knickers at the first sign that James wanted her years ago was bullshit, pure and simple. Last she checked, she wasn’t sending James running off in tears after their every conversation.

“It sounds to me like you both just really care about Marlene,” Dorcas interjected sensibly.

The interruption to her glaring contest with Sirius wasn’t welcome, but Lily kept her annoyance off her face. “ _I_ do.”

“So, do I.”

“Prove it,” Lily challenged.

“I will, but just so we’re clear with each other, I think that you’re nosy and invasive –” and here he leaned across the table so he could whisper the words, quiet enough that James likely wouldn’t hear with his hands clamped over his ears, and they took on a menacing quality that screaming could never replicate, “– and I think you’re a spoiled, self-obsessed princess, who’d best start doing right by my mate because somehow he doesn’t see it the way I do.”

For once, Lily had the undeniable advantage in an argument with Sirius Black because there was no way that James was going to take that kind of invasion into his relationship well. In fact, he would just about lose his mind. All she had to do was raise her voice, loud enough that he couldn’t miss it, hands clamped over his ears or no, and he’d hear the direction Sirius had just taken their argument. There would be no need to defend herself after that as James would be doing all of the talking – err shouting.

Only, Lily figured there was a lot of fighting going on amongst friends lately, and she knew that any sort of argument with Sirius would crush James. For someone so prone to confrontation, he liked his friendships to be devoid of any hard feelings no matter how temporary. After everything that happened, she couldn’t bring herself to be the cause of a fight between James and Sirius. Maybe she just never wanted to see James with a frown on his face. So, she kept the words that would have turned the table into World War III to herself.

“I hope you prove me wrong,” she said instead, before returning her attention to her plate. Dismissing Sirius as clearly as if she’d slammed a door in his face.

To his credit, Sirius didn’t pursue the issue. His indignation was plain on his face at first, but after a minute or two of gaping, he grew tired of her lack of interest. Then, his attention clearly turned to Lily’s warning that Marlene was probably off sobbing her eyes out. Lily could tell by the way he kept darting glances at the double-doors of the Hall like he might see Marlene returning, like he might be considering running after her. It almost inspired sympathy. It was blatantly obvious to anyone who bothered to look that Sirius didn’t have the first idea how to go about rectifying the situation. He was still angry, which meant that he probably wanted to revel in his indignation for a bit longer, but that had to be balanced with the fact that he was worried about Marlene, left to her tears with only Mary for comfort. Boys and crying girls, a notoriously bad combination.

And on the evening before Marlene’s birthday too. She’d turn eighteen with tear streaks down her face.

Conversation, impossible as it seemed, did resume after a time. Lily felt like she had to work overtime to impress Dorcas after having lost her cool like that. First, there was the Quidditch talk, which Lily bore with temperance. Dorcas was no aficionado, but she cared enough to talk about it for a time at least. Then, they turned to a prolonged ribbing of Lily’s diet choices. Dorcas was appalled, in spite of her own slim stature, at Lily’s choice of arugula, goat cheese, and a single slice of ham for dinner. A great many jokes followed about how they’d all met rabbits with greater appetites. Personally, Lily thought James had some nerve joining in, considering how much he seemed to appreciate the body her restricted eating habits earned her, but she took all the jokes with a smile. They could laugh but Lily was laying the groundwork for being healthy at age sixty, and James would probably be bed bound by then. It would serve him right.

By the time dinner was ending, Lily actually felt marginally better, which was a godsend. The next person who tried to start any drama in her life was going to get a quick kick to the shin before she raced in the other direction. Her quota for the week – for her life, honestly – had been filled with interest.

As she was leaving the Great Hall, Alice at her side, she was stopped by an unhurried shout of her name. Her blood went cold as she realized even the few hours of peace she’d been hoping for were not to be. The voice calling for her was one she’d recognize anywhere now. After only a few weeks’ time, she would never struggle to identify Preston Nott’s voice again.

She debated ignoring him and walking out, but that opened up the possibility that he might try to physically stop her – grab her elbow or block her path – and she couldn’t stand the prospect of ever feeling his hands upon her. The one gift she would continue to treasure was that Nott had never touched her skin with his own, and she had every intention of keeping it that way.

Slowly – miserably – she turned. She could see all of the Marauders chatting down with the beaters from the Gryffindor Quidditch team, so James was sure to miss whatever confrontation was to come. She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or heartbroken. A part of her just wanted to be saved.

Nott strode up, legs irritatingly long, until he’d reached her, choosing to take just one step too close so that he was in her personal space without drawing any attention. Lily swallowed so hard that the veins in her neck stood out.

“If you’re not here to apologize or beg me not to go to Dumbledore, then I don’t want to hear it,” Lily said stiffly.

At her side, Alice was one part curious, two parts weary, and ten parts poised to attack if anything untoward happened. Without knowing about Nott’s targeted abuse of Lily, she was still ready to defend her at a moment’s notice. Good friends were such a comfort. Alice’s support gave her the strength to look Nott in the eye instead of racing out of the room.

“I thought you’d want to know that we’ll no longer be Herbology partners. Try not to cry too much over it,” Nott sneered.

For a brief moment, all she felt was elation. Then, came the consideration.

Lily’s brow drew together as she tried to interpret Nott’s tone. Her first thought was that maybe Humphries had pulled through after all and decided to separate them, but Nott didn’t sound like he’d been thwarted. She imagined he’d be frustrated if a professor stepped in and separated him from his favorite toy – and despite what Nott said about her placing too much value on herself, she was pretty certain she was his favorite. No, he wouldn’t have told her if they were reassigned. He’d have let her find out during their next class. That way she would have spent the next two days obsessing over how he would treat her when they were partnered again.

It unnerved her how well she understood the way he thought, earned from nights spent lying awake and thinking of nothing but Nott and how to survive him.

“I’ll manage,” Lily said finally, turning to leave. Whatever circumstances had led to this wonderful event, she wasn’t going to question it. Doing so would be playing into his game, and she wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

“I hope your grade doesn’t suffer too much going partnerless,” Nott continued quickly, trying to prevent her from just walking away. “I, for one, am excited to be getting back to my dear Susie. You know, I think she’s missed me.”

That made Lily freeze as a tingle – an unpleasant one- skittered down her arms and to her heart. Susan Kerns was going to be Nott’s partner again. Everything Lily had endured these past few weeks had been to save Susan from that very fate and now…Lily almost couldn’t bear to think of it. The unfairness was choking her.

“Is this to get back at her for telling your girlfriend to fuck off?” Lily demanded, trying to connect the dots between the day’s events and the sudden partner change.

Something close to dissatisfaction flashed across Nott’s face, a spasm that Lily would relish as she enjoyed anything that brought Nott discomfort. “I’m doing a favor for a friend. Kerns is less well connected. Be seeing you, mud…Evans.”

The last minute switch was probably to prevent Alice from hexing him into a pile of mush, but the slur still landed. Lily reflexively rubbed the cut, still angry and red, on her hand. With his irritatingly long legs, Nott strode away, leaving Lily with more questions than answers.

She didn’t have to wonder for long.

A glance across the Great Hall provided her with some insight. Smile on his lips, Severus raised his glass in the air, a toast to her. He didn’t look at all upset; their fight forgotten. He looked victorious.

 

Everyone split up for a few hours after dinner, which Lily spent in the library, but then she had to rejoin James for rounds. She cursed her decision to schedule them back-to-back. She would have liked to finish up her Runes translation while the information from the day’s class was still fresh in her mind, but she couldn’t keep James waiting. Not twice in a row. A part of her was still horrified that she’d almost skipped out on her rounds yesterday.

He was waiting for her in the common room when she arrived, that snitch he’d filched in the air as he tossed it with one hand and caught it with the other, a repetitive gesture meant to pass the time. Her stomach fluttered. She liked him like this, messing around not to impress someone but just because he was the kind of person who could never sit still for more than a second, eyes unfocused in thought even as his feet twitched and his hands were busy with the winged ball.

“All ready to go?” she asked him in lieu of a greeting.

He jolted a little, indicating he’d been even more lost in thought than she’d anticipated, but then he smiled and nodded. He held out his arm like he wanted to escort her from the common room. For only a second, she hesitated, aware that they weren’t alone in the common room, but then she decided she hardly cared one way or another, and slid her arm into his.

The first half of their rounds were a lot livelier than they had been yesterday. For one, every miscreant student in the castle seemed to be out and about, giving them plenty of altercations with roaming third-years to keep them entertained. Second, Lily was no longer the kind of depressed that made her want to wallow away her entire day under the beating stream of a shower.

They talked about everything, excluding those subjects that came with a metric ton of emotional baggage. Lily was almost giddy at the realization that they’d reached the point where they could talk about each other’s days. It was a little on the boring side as far as conversation went, yes, but it meant that they’d finally gotten to know each other enough that every conversation didn’t have to be a deep delve into their histories. She could tell him about how she was hoping to become closer to Dorcas and how her Runes translation was proving tricky but she enjoyed the challenge all the same. He could tell her how no one had laughed at a pun he made about hinkypunks during lunch (she dutifully laughed) and that he’d spent the morning trying to pick out which broom maintenance kit he should tell his parents he wanted for Christmas. It was all very domestic.

Listening to James discuss what was most important to him inevitably led to conversations about Quidditch, so by ten o’clock they were a half hour deep into his team’s prospects. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she didn’t mind listening to him as he prattled on about Quidditch. She thought it was kind of spectacular that he held such a passionate interest. If someone asked him how he spent his time, he could answer with Quidditch. When she received the same question, she had to admit that she devoted herself to revision, which was the fastest way to be labeled a swot.

“I’m sure you’ll do great,” Lily said as she listened to James’ lament about how his team still hadn’t shaped up even as Gryffindor’s first match of the season grew nearer. “You’re a great captain. Even I know that.”

A string of victories, all thanks in part to James, had ushered in a wave of Gryffindor pride. Lily could still remember her first three years of Hogwarts when the house team hadn’t been competitive. No one had been eager to take up a Gryffindor chant and only minimal preparations were made to support the team before matches. Now, everyone was overcome with house spirit before a Quiddtich match, spending the night before designing banners, painting their nails red and gold, writing letters of encouragement to the players to read over breakfast.

“I don’t know,” James said, and while Lily wouldn’t describe his tone as forlorn, he was a long way from optimistic. “The team isn’t terrible or anything, but we don’t have any star players that can just carry the games and our teamwork’s been shite. Everyone hates Carmichael, no offense, and Shelia can’t block the quaffle for shit anymore. Plus, my seeker’s got potential but next to no training. I put her on the team because I thought she could be a good player come next year. The only way Eliza’s going to catch the snitch this year though is if it buzzes by her ear.”

“I’m pretty sure you qualify as a star player,” Lily pointed out.

James grinned at that and his walk took on a little extra swagger, exaggerated enough so that she couldn’t tell if he was joking or really just that pleased with the compliment. It made her laugh. “Well, sure I’m the best chaser in the school without question, but I can’t score sixteen goals on my own, and that would only be enough assuming the other team doesn’t manage any.”

“Didn’t you score twenty in the final last year?” Lily asked, having some vague recollection of his match being heralded as one of the greatest in Gryffindor history.

“Twenty-one,” he smirked, “And I suppose you’re right. It won’t be enough against some teams, but I’m pretty sure I could destroy Slytherin’s whole team single-handedly. I have to keep positive.”

“Anti-Slytherin much?” Lily teased.

“For once, not really. Their team is just really weak this year, and it wasn’t much better the year before. Remember, they lost every match?” James informed her. Lily wouldn’t have remembered because she only attended the Gryffindor games, but she filed the information away as useful for later. She had the feeling that she’d be attending a lot more games this year, gloved hand in James’ as they watched from the stands.

“If you like, I can come to one of your practices. Maybe Erik will be a little better behaved if he knows I’m watching,” Lily suggested.

James gave her a strange look, a muscle ticking in his jaw. “The last thing we need is him showing off to impress you…thanks though, I guess. Besides, you’d just throw Shelia off balance, which isn’t going to do us any favors.”

Right, because Shelia hated her now. Weird.

“I’ll talk to him all the same. I wanted to ask him to sit down with Marlene anyway. He’s really knowledgeable about the politics of muggleborns and stuff, and I think he could help sort her out a bit.”

“Hmm,” James hummed, a placeholder where interest should have been.

“I know she can come off as flaky, but she’s actually a really solid, wonderful person. The whole Shelia thing just has her all worked up. I think she was hoping that article would be a slap in the face for Shelia, a way of fighting back, but it was pretty…poorly worded,” Lily continued. “What do you think?”

James seemed a bit taken aback by the question. “Um, I guess I think that it’s none of my business…I don’t agree with what she wrote, but I don’t really see the harm. It’s not like Marlene’s a pureblood or anything. She’s entitled to her own opinion.”

“Not if her opinion is wrong,” Lily said, but James only shrugged.

As they continued discussing their days, Lily once again considered whether she should share some hint of the madness that had been her afternoon. She still wasn’t ready, but she figured a part of her must have wanted someone to open up to if she kept returning to the issue. Instead, she told him about how she’d stopped by Dumbledore’s office that morning to discuss Binn’s funeral arrangements and the headmaster was still shaving his cheeks smooth. Neither could really adapt to such a fresh-faced Dumbledore, and they spent at least fifteen minutes making jokes and speculating about why he’d make such a drastic change a month into the school year.

“Everyone knows that if you’re going to make a big aesthetic change, you do it over a holiday,” Lily said. “Like, if you want to get highlights you do it over Christmas. A bigger change like dying your hair completely, and you do it over the summer. Otherwise, it looks like you’re trying too hard. Plus, a change at the beginning of a new term shows people who you want to be for the year. You can’t just change your mind a month in.”

“I don’t know if it’s that deep,” James said.

“The most dramatic sartorial change you’ve made in the past seven years is to start wearing a sweater vest once a month, which by the way, is stupid, regardless of what Marlene’s article said. You’re hardly an expert on fashion shakeups.”

James looked down at his chest with a frown. He was wearing a set of black robes that weren’t in the least bit objectionable, but he still looked at them suspiciously. “My mum’s become interested in muggle fashion and bought me a few. I thought they were popular.”

“They are, but they make you look like a swot,” Lily told him.

“Oh, should I give them to you then?”

“Ha ha,” Lily said blandly as James chuckled to himself, the picture of self-satisfaction. “When did your mum start caring about muggle fashion?”

James shrugged. “I think at first she just wanted to learn a bit more about muggles to put some distance between herself and the purebloods that walk around spouting ignorant shite all the time, but then, she’s always loved fashion, so it kind of took over. She says that muggle fashion’s great because it’s so versatile. You can make some, her words mind, gorgeous robes, but bringing trousers and shirts, shorts and dresses and skirts, and all that other stuff into play gives her more options.”

“Does she subscribe to any of the mags?” Lily asked.

“The mags? No, I don’t think so. We have this guy who she buys photographs from. He comes by the house once a week with some photos of muggles he took on the street, and she picks out whichever ones she likes most and buys them for a knut,” James explained.

Lily stopped in her tracks. “Your mum has a muggle-fashion-photograph guy?”

“Yeah.”

Sometimes his affluence truly astounded her.

“Well, you need to write your mother immediately and tell her she’s wasting her money,” Lily said. “She can go to any muggle town and get a subscription to a magazine called _Vogue_. They’ll deliver right to your post, and if you don’t have any at your house, you could have it sent to the local post office, and it’s a magazine filled with posed pictorials of all the latest trends, plus commentary from the designers. She’ll love it.”

“Huh, cool. I’ll tell her,” James said easily.

It probably didn’t seem like as urgent a problem to him because he didn’t consider bringing a photograph salesman to his house a waste of money. It was no different than having a servant, and he was probably the type to consider himself entitled to some help…and oh my god, what if James had a household full of servants? The idea of him being that rich had honestly never occurred to her and left her feeling mildly alarmed.

“James, um…you don’t have any servants do you? I mean, people who wait on your in your house?” Lily asked.

“No, I mean, we have a chef and my dad’s personal assistant, though he’s not really a servant. Then, there’s the groundskeeper, he and his family live out on the edge of the estate, but there aren’t any servants. Well, unless you count the house elves. I guess they do the cleaning and the serving.”

“That is actually disgusting. Please tell me you had chores growing up,” Lily pleaded.

“Sure, I did,” James said. “I had to clean up after myself, and I fold all my own laundry. I had one nanny who used to make me pull weeds in the garden too, but that was only for one summer.”

“Tidying and your own laundry that you don’t even need to wash? Tidying and laundry?” Lily was practically scandalized. “How did you learn anything about personal responsibility? How did your parents expect you to learn the skills necessary to survive once you move out? You’re going to live in a hovel!”

“I learned plenty about personal responsibility,” James defended. “I learned that if you work hard and become rich, you don’t have to do the cleaning yourself.”

He smiled smugly, so Lily swatted his arm. “I had to do all sorts of chores. I do not only my own washing but my parents’ as well, and I clean the bathrooms once a week. I mow the lawn because Petunia swears she’s allergic to _grass_ as if such a thing is possible, and once a month the whole family comes together and does a thorough cleaning – washing the windows, dusting the bannister, sweeping the garage.”

“It’s not like you do any chores at Hogwarts. The elves handle all of that,” James pointed out.

“Sure, but I had _years_ of chores leading up to it. Besides, when I come home in the summers, they just pile it on me now. I’m expected to help with all of Tuney’s because I get to swan off to boarding school for most of the year,” Lily said.

“I’ll make you a deal. When I’m living in a hovel, you can come and clean up for me, yeah?” James laughed.

“I’ll make you a deal. When you’re living in a hovel, you can be miserable and alone in your flat as I’m never going to visit you because I don’t want my lungs infected with black mold,” Lily shot back.

James arms looped around her waist and lifted her clear off the floor. “No! Promise you’ll come visit me!”

“No!” Lily shrieked through a round of giggles as she beat his arms, a poorly executed attempt to get him to drop her.

“I’m not letting you go until you promise. I won’t be able to go on otherwise!” James cried dramatically.

To really irk her, he started spinning about in circles, so that her legs flung out from her body and whipped circles through the air. She was laughing so hard that she couldn’t breathe, but she still found the fortitude to refuse him. By the time he set her down, she was dizzy and her hair was a mess. His, believe it or not, wasn’t faring any better.

“You’re an idiot,” Lily gasped, but he was an idiot who let her lean on him for support while she caught her breath, so she supposed he wasn’t all that bad.

“People are always saying that. It’s lucky my self-esteem is developed enough to take the hit,” James sighed.

Lily didn’t pay any mind to his self-aggrandizing, brain already caught up on a question she’d never before considered. “Why is it that the wealthy families are always the ones with house elves? They’re unpaid labor, right? It’s not like you need to be rich in order to afford them. Shouldn’t every family have one?”

“Of course not,” James said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “The elf wants to feel proud about who he serves. An old family with a good name, that’s what motivates them to work so hard day and night. The ones that work for lesser families are borderline miserable.”

“Sounds like something Mulciber would say,” Lily said frowning. Or Marlene.

Now it was James’ turn to stop short in the hall. “I just answered with the truth!”

“But all that talk about a good name and an old family being more deserving. Why shouldn’t a house elf be proud to work for a family of halfbloods with a muggle last name? They can be every bit as powerful as a pureblood family and probably even kinder. I mean, do you think Sirius’s family deserves to have theirs just because they’re an old family? I’ve heard some of the stories he’s told. They treat them like trash.”

“Obviously people shouldn’t abuse house elves,” James said hurriedly. “And I didn’t mean that I view other families as lesser. Just that the elves do! I can’t help it that they think that way.”

Lily knew he was right. It just rankled, another sign that purebloods were preferred in magical culture. An elf would rather be a slave to Nott, who would beat and debase it with relish, than be paid to work for Lily, who would treat them with respect and kindness.

None of this was James’ fault of course, so she smiled and reassured him that he was nothing like Mulciber. He looked relieved at her retraction and pressed a soft kiss into her hair. She liked it when he did things like that, little physical signs of affection devoid of any sexual intention.

It didn’t last as they rounded a corner and ended up outside the alcove from the night before – the one in which James had dropped to his knees and buried his face in her. She almost couldn’t bear to look at the closed door, a blush rising to her cheeks just at the memory. James’ thoughts drifted in the same direction.

“I think we should stop in there and check for more curfew-breakers,” James suggested with a wink. “Never know who you can find in those dark corners of the school.”

“Absolutely not,” Lily said severely.

“Why not?”

She refused to find his pouting – puckered lips and drawn brow – cute. She was an Evans woman, not easily swayed and certainly not easily led.

“Because we already skived off our responsibilities yesterday. We can’t possibly two days in a row,” Lily said, and if she sounded like a matron of eighty years, resigned to her knitting and crosswords, then so be it.

James looked at her skeptically. “Is this some kind of weird rule you have?”

“Not wanting to shirk my duties every night?”

“No, not wanting to fool around two days back to back.”

Lily always hated the first time this happened when seeing a new guy. It was an inevitability, a matter of biology, and yet, it never stopped being awkward. The boy always acted like he thought such a thing would never happen – not in _this_ relationship – and she was always left, feeling oddly naked at the admission of something perfectly natural.

“Oh, I won’t want to be doing much of that for the next three or four days at least. Maybe a week, depending. I don’t know. It’s not always the same,” Lily hedged, raising her eyebrows.

Hoping for James to pick up on subtlety had been a fool’s dream though as he took on a questioning look, trying to figure out why she wouldn’t want his face – or any other part of him really – anywhere near her genitals for a few days. Boys were criminally underserved in their education on women’s health.

“My period, James. I started my period,” Lily said abruptly.

“Oh. Oh! Right, that makes a lot of sense. Sure thing, no worries,” James said, and in his haste to retract his offer he actually saluted her.

She rolled her eyes so hard that she thought they might actually become lodged in their upward aiming position, forever staring heavenwards for guidance. Sometimes, she hated boys. She was forty-five percent sure that wasn’t just her overwrought hormones talking.

“We can still like, snog though, right?” James said.

Thinking about it carefully for a moment, Lily said, “Maybe on day three, but not before.”

“Why?”

Lily was mildly impressed that he was willing to ask, rather than run in the other direction at the prospect of specifics. In ten years, if they were married, she wondered if he’d go to the market and buy her hygiene products when she asked. Her father would never do it for her mum, but she’d seen men who weren’t ashamed at the checkout counter before and always thought they were the right sort. The ideal really.

“Well, on day one, I’m just not in the mood,” Lily explained. “Right now, I have just zero interest in anything to do with you. Maybe if you were a tub of ice cream, but that’s it. On day two, I’m actually really, um, aroused, which is the problem.”

“I don’t see how,” James said.

“It’s a problem because you’ll get me all worked up without a way to handle it! And then I’ll hate you forever. It’s just no good. Best to wait until day three when things are starting to calm down,” Lily said.

“Huh, good to know,” James said, still sounding genuinely undeterred by the conversation. She kind of admired him for it. Then, he said, realization dawning, “Wait, girls synch up, right? So that means Marlene’s crying is probably a little…”

Ehh, half and half. Lily figured Marlene would have cried regardless what with the way Sirius had spoken to her, but James had a point. That Marlene’s period had started yesterday probably hadn’t helped. The stash of chocolate that they kept for Shelia’s breakup emergencies had been fast devoured the night before as Marlene was an eater. She wasn’t usually one for PMS though, so Lily wasn’t too quick to blame it all on her friend’s hormones.

James comment brought them squarely back to the topic of Sirius and Marlene. Days before, she’d asked James to intervene on Marlene’s behalf and he’d told her to back off in no uncertain terms. Regardless, a part of her wanted to ask again. Her friend was being hurt, whether by maliciousness or carelessness on Sirius’s part it didn’t really matter. The end result was the same. Surely, a good friend would do everything in her power, push her every advantage to fix the problem.

“James, do you think you could –”

The words grew dense, filling her throat to the point she almost choked on them. She couldn’t bring herself to ask again. Just like at dinner, she couldn’t ask him to fight with his best mate. She wondered if it was a betrayal to women, to Marlene, to herself, this prioritization of James’ happiness before her own, but it made no difference. Asking James to interfere was bound to bring him unhappiness, and she just couldn’t do it, right or wrong.

“Could I do what, Lily?” James asked.

Lily looked at him, really looked at him – his open, unfettered eyes, the almost flat planes of his face as low cheek bones slid into a hard, defined jaw, and that offensive shock of hair he never tried to manage.

“Could you tell me a joke? I need another laugh. It’s been a long day,” she said.

James’ smile shone brighter than any of the torches that lit the corridor. “Ever hear the one about the waltzing polar bear? Well, it goes a little something like this…”

The joke did make her laugh.


	41. Oct. 26: Part I

**October 26, 1977**

The girls’ staircase, his oldest adversary. Even before the boys had held a passing interest in girls, they’d felt compelled to try and master it, eager to face down a challenge or perhaps dirven by an instinct that told them someday, someday they would desire nothing more.

Irritatingly, the Founders of Hogwarts – or at least whoever they’d commissioned to design Gryffindor Tower and all of its enchantments – had been no fools. James’ every attempt to force his way upstairs had resulted in him landing in a graceless heap at the foot of the staircase. Many clever schemes, ranging from drinking a potion that would temporarily suppress his gender to flying his broomstick above the stairs, had been futile.

Today though, today they’d actually done it. Halfway up the staircase, and James could still hardly believe his mates had finally managed it. James wrenched his glove away from the smooth slide of the staircase and hefted his body up another few crucial centimeters. Then, he brought his gloved hand back down to restick to the surface.

The answer all along, as James had discovered, was not to fight the slide. Sensing a boy anywhere on or above it, the stairs would flatten to expel the intruder or, as had been the case when they tried to fly over it, release a gust of wind strong enough to send them flailing backwards to the common room. There was no outwitting it. Only outlasting it. Taking James’ theory, Remus had devised four sets of gloves (Peter’s went unused) with the kind of powerful sticking charms that were made to endure woven into the fabric. A legend at such charm work, Sirius had performed the honors.

Now, even though the artificial winds pelted them and they had to fight gravity with each aching centimeter they gained, the three boys were successfully scaling the staircase – three lone mountaineers with a goal as worthy and a task as long in the preparation as climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. The trickiest bit was ungluing his hand from the slide and then reattaching it as Sirius’s spell was set on a timer. Every ten seconds, one glove would automatically destick and then he’d have two seconds to position it above and repeat.

In this manner, the boys made it to the tip of the staircase. Triumphant, they piled into a group hug and let loose a silent cheer, consisting of dramatically splayed arms to make up for the fact that they couldn’t release any noise. Sirius patted down the upset tangle of his hair, whipped into a frenzy by the combination of wind and the time James had mistimed a portion of his climbed and accidentally stepped on Sirius’s head with one dirty trainer.

Their victory would have been worth celebrating on any occasion but the Marauders actually had a purpose that day. Finger held to his lips, Remus crept along the row of doors. Having never been up there before, they couldn’t be certain which was the right room, but the girls’ dormitories looked symmetrical to their own, so it was a fair guess that the seventh year girls lived in the last room on the left.

It was dark when they slipped inside. None of the girls kept a torch lit when they slept and the curtains were drawn tight. James stubbed his toe against a chest on the floor. He deserved a medal for controlling the slew of curses that spilled into his throat, preventing even a whimper at the sudden pain from escaping his lips. Guided by the details Marlene had let slip, Sirius led the way to the bed furtherst from the window – the five beds were arranged in a semi-circle around the room, with personal items resting at the foot of the mattresses or lining bedside tables. They all took a collective breath.

And then James blew.

The girls came bursting awake at the sound of two kazoos blaring in the center of their dormitory. Undeterred by at least one girlish scream, Sirius – the only one without a kazoo – began to belt out the lyrics to _Happy Birthday_. The bleating of the kazoos wasn’t even trying to match the tune.

A torch was lit as Mary rose up out of her bed. James could now see that Alice was burying her head beneath the pillows like it could possibly ward off the sound, while Lily glanced around frantically, panicky after the abrupt disruption of her dreams.

Only Marlene, their target in all this madness, accepted their intrusion with serenity. She rolled onto her back, eyelids fluttering a few times as she adjusted to the light. Then, at the sight of them – at Sirius – she smiled beatifically.

“I’m eighteen,” she said, voice only slightly guttural from a night of sleep.

“Yes, you are. Happy birthday,” Sirius said. His smile only lasted a moment because then he was swooping down to kiss her.

“It is four in the bloody morning!”

This from Lily, who it seemed had taken one look at the clock and decided all heartfelt birthday wishes could wait until a more suitable hour. James couldn’t see how it was their fault that Mrs. McKinnon had given birth at 4:04 A.M. eighteen years ago. Standing in her nightie with her hands on her hips, Lily looked furious. She also looked fucking sexy in the little, thigh-bearing number.

Despite himself, James blurted out, “Is that what you wear to bed?”

Glancing down, Lily blushed and moved her arms so they shielded her breasts, which was fine by him as he could still see her smooth thighs, the slight strain of the fabric as it spread across her hips. Beautiful. Even at four in the morning.

“You think that’s something?” Alice said, the desire to take the mickey out of Lily greater than her longing for a few extra minutes of sleep. “Every once in a while, she sleeps naked!”

“That’s –” Lily gaped, flustered as even Remus turned to stare at her then. James filed that pleasant bit of information away for future use.

The passionate kiss that had kept Sirius and Marlene silent thus far finally broke. Dreamily, Marlene said, “Do I get presents now?”

“Of course,” Sirius agreed at the same time Lily wailed, “What part of it being four in the morning don’t you people understand?”

Naturally, everyone ignored her. Early or not, they were going to celebrate, and the birthday girl, the only person whose opinion mattered, appeared to fully support starting the festivities. They crowded around Marlene’s bed, Marlene propped high and regal on a mountain of pillows. Despite her recalcitrance, Lily threw on a robe and joined them, allowing James to wrap his arms around her waist as they watched.

The loot, which Marlene carefully recorded on a sheet of parchment for when she wrote her thank you cards later, was quickly gifted. A pair of earrings from Alice, who swore she had not picked them out herself. Not having shopped for the occasion, James and Remus proudly handed over their kazoos. The box containing Lily’s gift released a frightening roar that sent Marlene’s straight sheet of hair flying back from the force. Lily laughingly declared it one of her pranks, even as James loudly contested that such a small gag shouldn’t count, and she told Marlene to find her real present inside. It was the latest book in a series about – and James couldn’t make this shite up – a love that was so strong, it didn’t dim when one party become an inferi. Marlene was delighted and promised to read it before the day was out.

Mary didn’t proffer a gift, which James thought was a bit odd. When he asked why, it was Marlene who laughed and answered: “Mary can’t give it to me here in front of all of you. Her presents are always so touching that I end up in tears. And her cards! Gosh, I could start crying just thinking about it.”

She didn’t. Instead, she accepted Sirius’s present, growing eager at Sirius’s promising grin. She made a great show of tearing through the wrappings before she reached her prize: an entire book series, the same one Lily had gifted, only each featuring a different personalized message from the author on each. There was a minute’s screaming and then a lot of eager reading on Marlene’s part. James swore he say Lily stamp her foot at having her present made so effectively obsolete.

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” Marlene cried.

“I haven’t even given you the best part,” Sirius said. “I’m going to read them all too. That way we can talk about them together.”

Even Lily had to admit that was a pretty good gift as implausible romances with flowery language weren’t his cup of tea. It meant the world to Marlene though, who hugged Sirius tightly about the waist, eyes watering somewhat.

To think, only the night before their relationship had been on the brink.

“Now back to bed?” Lily asked hopefully, but behind that was resignation because she already knew that wasn’t going to happen.

“I wanted to throw you something outside, but the weather’s right miserable,” Sirius explained to Marlene, “so we’ll have to settle for cake in the common room.”

“Cake?” Marlene questioned delighted.

After all the labor that had one into scaling their way to the girls’ dormitory, James thought it was a waste to leave so soon. He slid down the still flattened staircase with a promise to himself that he would return soon. It took the girls, who stayed to get dressed, a few minutes before they came downstairs as well, all yawning at the unusual hour. Nights spent awake with a werewolf had given James a twisted sense of what constituted too few hours of sleep.

The cake they’d solicited from the house elves was an airy masterpiece of strawberries and cream, sweet in the mouth but insubstantial in your stomach. Well, unless you planned to eat six pieces like James did. Then he could imagine you’d feel it.

Lily, predictably, demurred.

Undeterred, James scooped up a forkful and held it threateningly close to her face. “Eat it. We specifically made it without chocolate just for you.”

“We didn’t _make_ it,” Remus amended.

“And we picked this flavor because it’s Marlene’s favorite,” Sirius added.

James ignored them both, waving the forkful in front of Lily’s unimpressed face. A face that, if he thought about it, would look great with some cake smeared across it. The fork drew closer and Lily grew wary.

“Don’t you dare,” Lily warned, eyes tracking the fork and rightly realizing that it was drawing worrisomely near her face. “Remember our last food fight. I’ll crush you.”

James scoffed. “Hit your head there, Evans? If I recall, I destroyed you in that food fight, so I don’t know where this arrogance is coming from. Last time, it didn’t end well for you, taking on the master.”

“Really? I remember it ending _very_ well for me,” Lily quipped.

James laughed as he remembered. She was right. It was like a lifetime ago, but covered in so much pie residue it would take him three showers to remove it all, they’d kissed and it had been everything ever since.

“Please, Lily. It’s really good cake.”

To his surprise, asking nicely actually seemed to work. He wondered what else she’d concede to if only he remembered to say please. He wondered whether he’d ever tried that tactic back in fifth year when asking her out.

“One bite,” Lily agreed.

“Five bites,” James negotiated. Maybe it wasn’t his place, but he’d learned that Lily had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, to anything she’d enjoy. He had no compunctions about being the one to do it. In fact, he kind of liked the chance to spoil her a little.

“Two bites.”

Marlene interrupted, “Three bites, since it’s my birthday. We all have to celebrate.”

With a sigh that bordered on a chuckle, Lily opened her mouth so that he could feed her the first bite. Her eyes fluttered shut at the taste, and James wondered if anyone realized that her expression of blissed out contentment was how she looked after he made her come. After, not during. During she would look a lot more overwrought, mouth gasping and hands clinging to him like she might be hurtled out into the atmosphere at any moment. The crescent-shaped claw marks she’d left in his shoulders from last time had faded too fast. He’d absently wondered if a spell existed that could tattoo them to him permanently.

“I’m sorry I ruined your gift,” Sirius said to Lily after a few minutes of everyone gushing over the cake.

“It’s not your fault. You gave the better gift anyway,” Lily replied.

James head whipped back and forth as he stared at each of them in turn. He permitted himself the smallest sliver of hope. Finally, _finally_ what he had hoped for seemed possible. Long-term, he and Lily weren’t going to have a chance in Azkaban if she and Sirius couldn’t find some common ground. Many of James’ past girlfriends hadn’t liked Sirius, but then again, none of them had lasted long either. He couldn’t live stuck between two people, each jockeying for his attention. Worse, it wasn’t even a fair fight. Years ago, James had promised Sirius his loyalty, and no matter how close he grew to Lily, he wouldn’t be able to choose her over Sirius, not in the way she wanted.

Watching them fight sucked in the worst kind of way though. Yesterday had been awful.

He didn’t, strictly speaking, mind the two of them not liking each other. James was confident enough in his ability to make his own decisions that he wouldn’t start to second-guess his relationships just because someone he cared about cast aspersions on them. They were free to hate each other until the end of time. _If_ they could learn to do it quietly.

Because the real problem was that they didn’t know how to stop themselves from dragging James into it as well, and he refused to be involved like that. He knew that Lily wanted him to step up for her. More and more, he could sense Lily’s eyes on him when Sirius said something particularly cutting, a pleading gaze that wormed its way into his conscious and made him almost question whether or not he was making the right decision. He wanted so badly to please her. Sirius, of course, was no better. He needed constant reassurances that he wasn’t in any danger of being replaced. Not with words, but with his own needy looks that demanded James bring up some memory of the two of them getting into trouble until Sirius was reminded that their history was too great to ever be replaced. Basically, his life would be a lot easier if they could keep up the civility. Given time, they might even grow to like each other.

He was not banking on it.

“There’s another gift you could give me, Lily. If you’re really worried about the book,” Marlene said a little hesitantly. “I was hoping, just for my birthday mind you, to maybe, um, try some marijuana. Just this once! And I know how much you don’t like it, but if you could just…not be upset with me, us, I think that would be the best present ever!”

And there went his chances of Lily ever making nice with Sirius because there was no way she wasn’t going to blame him for being a terrible influence on Marlene. James was starting to work out just how these things went. Except, Lily didn’t burst to her feet in a fit of indignation, screaming about how Sirius was working some kind of dark magic over her previously innocent friend. No, instead, she sat perfectly still and considered. James could watch the emotions flit across her face: surprise, outrage, a touch of sadness, and finally indecision.

“Seriously?” Lily asked after she’d thought for a moment.

“Yeah, I really would like to try it,” Marlene said, clasping her hands hopefully.

“Fine.”

“Seriously?” This time it was Sirius’s turn to squawk the question. James couldn’t blame him. He could hardly believe that Lily would consent either.

“I’m not your mother,” Lily said uncomfortably.

“Lily takes birthdays very seriously,” Mary explained. “She wouldn’t just ignore a birthday wish.”

That raised a few questions for James, which he voiced without a moment’s pause, “So wait, what if two people had a birthday on the same day? And they hated each other, so their birthday wishes were in complete contrast? Like, person A’s birthday wish is that you spend the day with them and them alone, and person B’s birthday wish is the same but with them? What would you do then?”

“Um, the odds of that aren’t high,” Lily said rather than answer, which James thought was a complete cop out.

“Okay, well what if someone who hates you wished that you jump off a bridge without a broom? Would you do it?” James persisted.

Lily turned to provide him with her complete attention, which meant that Sirius was free to sneak away upstairs and gather up the spliff. While Lily may have agreed to them smoking, James still thought it was a bad idea to rub her face in it too much. She might change her mind.

“No, I would not kill myself just because someone asked. The birthday wish has to be reasonable.”

“Don’t take that tone,” James said. “I’m just trying to define the boundaries here on what is reasonable. Because I know you normally take drugs pretty seriously, but the birthday wish is evidently more powerful than that. So I’m just testing what exactly I can finagle for _my_ birthday.”

Lily shot him a very dirty look, likely because she knew exactly what kind of favors he’d be requesting come March. Her nightie would probably feature. Not for long, but long enough to get things started.

“You can ask for anything you like,” Lily said, saccharine and deadly. “Doesn’t mean you’ll get it.”

“Oh, I’m starting to think I will,” James said, raising his eyebrows in insinuation.

Before Lily could tell him that he was deluded, Alice interrupted, “Merlin, I never expected you two to be so disgusting. I always thought you’d be the one kind of okay couple at Hogwarts because all you ever did was insult each other, but _this_ …Every time you _pretend_ to insult each other, I want to throw up.”

“Pretend?” Lily said, but then she bridged the space between them – she was on the couch while he sat on an adjacent arm chair – and pecked him on the cheek. Alice gagged, Lily giggled, and James? James blushed for the first time in memory.

By then, Sirius had returned with everything they’d need to smoke McKinnon up for the first time. James abandoned his seat to form a circle on the ground with the others. Notably, Lily remained on the couch with Mary, neither of them having any interest in taking part. Sirius had brought down their most ostentatious piece, a bong that was nearly half a meter long with glass bedecked in paintings of the sun and moon. Whether he’d opted to pull out the bong – so rarely used that it had sat unpacked in Remus’s trunk up until now – because he figured it would be easier for Marlene to navigate or because he was hoping to impress her was unclear. Dutifully, Sirius instructed her in how she would need to hold it and where to suck. Remus ground the weed and prepped the bowl.

James quickly grew impatient. As much as he enjoyed being high, he hated all the preparation that went into it. A process that stretched out all the longer because Remus reveled in packing the perfect bowl.

Eventually even Remus had to admit they’d done all they could. Marlene asked to go last so that she could watch them, so James started it off. The smoke bloomed in his lungs as he held his hit for ten long seconds. When he released it, he sent it spiraling upwards to the ceiling – the one advantage of smoking in the Tower was that the ceilings were so high it was nearly impossible for the smell to permeate and give them away.

Alice went next, eyes filling with tears as she tried not to cough, an attempt to hide how few times she’d actually smoked before. (James knew it was three). Once she passed, Remus declined taking his own hit, redirecting the bong to Sirius in his stead. James was surprised. He hadn’t expected Moony’s smoking break to last more than twelve hours, but here they were on day three. Post-Dahlia Remus hardly even qualified as the same person; she had wrecked him.

It took Marlene a few tries to take her hit. First, the bowl was beat and then she couldn’t figure out the right strength to inhale, but eventually, she managed one solid hit. The coughing began almost instantly and Marlene flailed around panicked until she was red-eyed and well and truly high.

“Coughing’s good,” James fold her. “It gets you high faster.”

“Marlene gave him a thumbs up and coughed some more.”

They went through three bowls before they called it quits. Sirius cut Marlene off after only three hits though. James would have thought that he couldn’t get too high from smoking less than one bowl himself, but some time later, he realized he’d been pacing back-and-forth behind the couch, completely zoned out from everything else. He’d been at it for nearly five minutes. He could feel himself hovering on the edge, caught between the allure of letting go and rejoining the conversation. Ultimately, he pulled it together, settling into a plane that felt a little closer to reality as he usually perceived it. He sat back on the couch.

“How do you feel?” Lily asked. The question wasn’t aimed at James but Marlene.

“Weird but good, I guess,” Marlene said.

“People usually don’t get too high their first time,” Remus said.

Marlene’s eyes nearly crossed as the puzzled on something that was bothering her. “I feel like I know everything.”

“You do,” Sirius chimed in. “We all do. We just struggle to access all that knowledge, but it’s all in here.” He tapped the side of his head.

When James had sat down on the couch, he’d unintentionally all but dislodged Mary, who’d dangled half-off the cushion he’d just commandeered. Realizing he wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon, Mary left the couch to curl up in the armchair beside Marlene. The two pressed close together. It freed James to cuddle into Lily, who let him wrap his arm around her even though he’d just done something she gravely disapproved of. He didn’t know when his life had become so perfect.

It became even better when his eyes landed on the half-eaten cake. Oh.

“James, are you drooling?” Lily asked.

He couldn’t answer.

The carefully laid frosting of whipped cream rose airy and white, little mountains of fluff. Or clouds. Yes, they resembled clouds. Only, James had never before wanted to eat a cloud.

His wondrous view was momentarily blocked as Lily leaned forward to cut a slice. He was glad when she moved again and he could resume his ogling. When the forkful of cake appeared centimeters from his lips, it took him a second to realize that it wasn’t accidental magic drawing it near. No, the fork was wielded by Lily, who urged him to part his lips so that she could feed him in turn.

Over-eager, James took too much on the first bit. It hardly mattered to him though. The taste was too good, his taste buds lighting up like it was the first time he’d tasted cake in his life. What he did most other days of the year could hardly be considered tasting when compared to this. It filled his mouth, his chest – sweetness that melted on his tongue and lingered.

“Good?” Lily prompted, a little smug.

“Fucking perfect,” James said through a still stuffed mouth. Lily wrinkled her nose at the sight of the half-masticated cake in his mouth, but her smile didn’t slip. She found him endearing.

Lily continued to spoon cake into his mouth like she thought him an invalid. Perhaps she thought he couldn’t be trusted to not stab his own eye out while high. Whatever the case, James enjoyed being doted upon. He allowed Lily to feed him while half-listening as Alice went on about how she hardly saw the point in attending classes anymore and thought napping her days away would serve her just as well. James had never realized Alice had so much to say.

Intent, the kind of unselfconscious focus that was only possible while high or otherwise intoxicated, Marlene turned to Mary. Sirius, who perched on the armrest of their chair, ran his fingers through her hair, but Marlene’s attention was reserved solely for her friend, a frown adorning her lips. James could see the strain in Mary’s shoulders as she tried not to fidget nervously under Marlene’s gaze.

“I understand now why you never told me,” Marlene said.

James imagined this had been the very topic Mary hoped to avoid. Mary answered back, carefully neutral, “Do you?”

“Yes, I do. You didn’t tell me because you didn’t have to,” Marlene said. “I think I’ve always known. Somewhere, I knew. I know you.”

Marlene laid her hand on Mary’s heart, fingers splayed wide. James’ imagination ran away from him then, in the way it sometimes did after he smoked, where he struggled to distinguish reality from his fancies because the images they produced were so sharp and likely. He imagined that Mary’s heart beat rapidly beneath her ribcage. All three of them could feel it.

“So why aren’t you taking part in this? I thought you were as debauched as the rest of them.” Lily’s question to Remus drew James back to reality. He turned to listen because he was just as curious to discover what outcome Remus thought might come from abstaining from his favorite pastime.

“Just not in the mood.”

“Come on, Moony,” James interrupted, “We all know that’s not it. Tell us!”

“Sober, James never would have pushed the subject. High, he would show no sensitivity until his curiosity had been sated. Remus knew it too. His sigh of resignation rippled through his torso.

Everyone else was too caught up to pay Remus and his answer any mind. Alice was still talking about her prospectless future, unbothered or maybe unaware that no one was listening. Mary and Marlene were caught up in their private moment. Silently, Sirius watched the two. With everyone distracted, Remus must have decided he could afford candor.

“It’s too hard to lie to myself when I smoke,” Remus said.

“What do you mean?” Lily asked.

Another sigh. “Being high makes you introspective, makes you look behind doors you would normally keep locked. You forget there was a reason you locked them in the first place.”

“But what’s changed?” Lily pressed.

“Dahlia,” James answered quietly.

“Dahlia…” Remus agreed.

“Oh, sweetie,” Lily said sympathetically.

She gave Remus’s hand a supportive squeeze. James was happy to have her there to handle the affection, the emotions and advice. Girls always seemed better equipped for that stuff. James only knew how to listen and throw insults at Dahlia, maybe offer his mate a drink.

Girls were also better at asking the right, probing questions to get to the heart of a problem. They knew how to keep a conversation going. Gently, Lily asked, “What are you lying to yourself about?”

“Everything,” Remus laughed bitterly. He was obviously hesitant to answer. After all, that was the very definition of honesty. “I’m pretending that Dahlia’s the one in the wrong, a slag or whatever who left me. It’s easier to pretend I didn’t really care about her. That I’m fine with the fact that I’m going to die alone.”

Not being in on the secret of Remus’s furry little problem, his answer must have come off as very dramatic to Lily. She tsked, a sympathetic sound emerging from the back of her throat, and began to rub Remus’s back.

“You really cared about her, didn’t you?” Lily said.

“I stole her, cheated with her, and on my best mate. Of course, I cared about her! That’s how much. Do you even –?” Remus cut himself off, eyes and mouth compressed into fine lines.

“That had always struck me as something, well, out of character for you,” Lily said diplomatically. “I’ve always wondered how it happened.”

“Me too,” James said.

Remus looked up at him, surprised and a little guilty. James had never asked him to explain how he’d come to date Dahlia. As a part of forgiving Remus for his transgressions, James had given up on any right to answers. James wondered whether Remus might not have developed a bit of a contact-high, his eyes were so red. Breathing the same air beside him, Lily was clear-eyed.

“I guess you have a right to know,” Remus said grimly. “I’d fancied her for a while, since, I don’t know, Christmas of sixth year. Maybe longer.”

“I had no idea,” James said, genuinely shocked.

“You wouldn’t. Unlike you, I don’t go shouting my feelings to everyone who’ll listen,” Remus said, laughing humorlessly. “Besides, I didn’t think it mattered since I knew I had no business dating her. She deserved better.”

“Don’t’ start in with that self-hate talk. I won’t hear it,” Lily ordered, sounding astoundingly like someone’s mum.

Remus continued on like she hadn’t spoken, “But then this year, what she got was you.”

“Don’t flatter me too much,” James groused. Remus had said ‘you’ like James came along with diseases and a foot fungus.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Remus said quickly. “I just, you never appreciated her. She was so close all the time, but she’d look at you, and you’d hardly see her…it was like if I’d started dating Lily this year, and then, every day I complained about how she was annoying and wanted to be rid of her. It was driving me crazy.”

James could see it. How could he not? He would have cheerfully murdered Remus and hacked up his body in the example he made about Lily. Given the circumstances, it was easy to see how Remus could have talked himself out of the rules of friendship – thought about how James could find another girl quickly, how James didn’t even want Dahlia, and how Remus had fancied her first anyways. If James had known that Remus fancied her in the first place, James never would have asked her out. Still, he felt a flash of anger, that old, injured pride. Remus cut far too miserable a figure to stay mad at, so the heat of his fury dwindled as quickly as it appeared.

“Did she first, or did you? I mean…?” Lily trailed off, unsure how to delicately raise the question.

“It’s hard to say. We both…We were alone one night. James had upset her. She wanted them to spend some time together, and James insisted on going flying with Sirius,” Remus said. James couldn’t pinpoint the night because it felt like a scene that had occurred several times in his short relationship with Dahlia. “I was comforting her, told her she deserved better, and well…”

She’d kissed him, and after that, James had become nothing more than an obstacle. James didn’t let Remus go into detail. None of them needed to linger on specifics where the star-crossed lovers had snuck around behind his back or the secrets that Remus had kept. The past needed to stay there. It was enough to know Remus was sorry and be done with it.

“Anyways, I just don’t want to think about it,” Remus said.

“You said you were only pretending your break up was her fault. If she was cheating on you, you can’t blame yourself. Frankly, I’m starting to see a pattern with her,” Lily said.

James had to admire that subtle bit of manipulation. It wasn’t a skill James normally associated with Lily, but clearly she excelled, if at only in wheedling out the truth from her friends. They’d both heard Dahlia’s strong defense that she hadn’t been cheating on Remus with Michael Sterns. Both of them, or so he thought, believed it. Feigning ignorance, however, turned out to be just what they needed to cajole Remus into spilling his secrets. In another life, Lily would have made a fine Slytherin – if only she abandoned her decency and kindness and developed an affinity for scales as well.

“We didn’t break up because she was cheating. She’s not like that!” Remus said vehemently. Defending Dahlia remained important to him, the sorry bastard. “She chucked me because, well, I couldn’t commit to her like she deserved. She’d talk about our future, and I’d just…” Remus shut his eyes as if he was in pain. “I’d known I had not business dating her. She deserved someone who could offer her everything, and I couldn’t even give her a promise for tomorrow.”

James sighed. Poor Remus had always been his own worst enemy, which was saying something when all of society loathed you on principle. Experience should have taught Remus that he could still find love and acceptance, despite the dislike of werewolves that colored many people’s perceptions. After all, he’d let exactly three people in on his secret, and not a one of them had abandoned him. There was no precedent to convince him that anyone who learned his secret would react with disgust, and yet Remus had continued to lead his life under the warped belief that no one could possibly settle for someone like him.

And Dahlia, James remembered from his brief time dating her, was a girl who cared about nothing more than the future. She was about plans: plans for Christmas ‘hols, plans for visits over the summer, plans for the rest of their lives. She wouldn’t be understanding, wouldn’t settle for Remus’s stern refusal to discuss their future together. She hadn’t.

“You’re an idiot,” James told him succinctly.

“I hate to say it, love, but you kind of are,” Lily agreed. “Go tell her how much you care. Tell her that you just worried about not deserving her, that you’re a silly boy who needs to develop some self-esteem, and that of course you see a future together.”

“That would be a lie,” Remus said, and while Lily couldn’t understand it, James knew that Remus’s mind was made and he wouldn’t hear any more on the subject. “Prongs, pass me a piece of cake, will you?”

Like that, James and Lily’s first attempt at counselling a friend as a couple together ended. All said, they hadn’t been very successful. At least Remus had finally talked about it, or so Lily would say. That had to count for something. James thought anything short of Remus accepting he was worthy of love was bollocks and that they’d failed miserably.

It was impossible to remain maudlin over it. While the three on the couch had frowned and wrung their hands through the angst-ridden interlude, the party had continued for everyone else. Re-engaging, James saw that Sirius had begun to perform a play of sorts, an improvised retelling of Marlene’s life. They were currently at Marlene’s first birthday where she’d tasted ice cream for the first time and proceeded to drench her upper-body in it, front and back. Sirius mimed the scene, but the cake he smeared across his cheeks was very real. He had Marlene in fits.

Soon they were all joining in, taking to their parts with a great deal of dramatic license. James played Mrs. McKinnon, who in his version had a penchant for fainting whenever someone swore and shimmying her shoulders as she walked. Somehow, Lily managed to score the role of Sirius and would interrupt every scene to stage kiss Sirius-playing-Marlene. Mary, appearing as herself, was the deadpan voice that held all of the absurdity together.

By the time their impromptu piece of theater was over, Marlene had slid off her chair to the floor from laughing too uproariously. None of the others were faring much better.

Seemingly out of nowhere, Lily turned to Sirius and said, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Cue predictable answer about how you just did,” Sirius said, but it was clear she had his attention, albeit of the suspicious sort.

“Well, sometimes, like just now, you seem alright to me, and I just need to know one thing,” Lily said. On bated breath, James waited to hear what magical question might resolve the tension between the two people he cared about. “Well, you don’t have any children do you?”

“Any what?” Sirius repeated back, completely at a loss.

“Children. You know, sons or daughters,” Lily said.

Sirius and James shared a look of perfect incomprehension. They were seventeen. Unmarried. Unprepared. James would have thought this was one charge where they’d be given the benefit of the doubt. Did Lily think he too could be harboring secret offspring?

“You caught me. I have five,” Sirius said because he couldn’t be expected to take the question seriously, but then he added, “Of bloody course not. Why’d you even ask?”

“You’re not expecting any either?” Lily said.

“No!” Sirius said. “I’m going for a piss, you madwoman. I’ll try not to impregnate anyone on the way.”

James laughed as Sirius retreated. To his surprise, Marlene didn’t giggle or chuckle or laugh in any way. She slumped, the force of her sigh ricocheting throughout her whole body. She looked relieved.

“You couldn’t possibly have thought he did!” James said, accurately reading her reaction. “You did!”

Marlene blushed. “Well, he never tells me things, and I’d wondered.”

“You should have just asked. He’d have set you straight in a second,” James said.

“He gets so angry when I ask him things he doesn’t want to answer.”

She said it so simply. It made James shift uncomfortably. Living in fear of Sirius’s temper was foreign to him. Setting it off would take a massive betrayal from James. For Marlene though…well, James had witnessed enough to know that Sirius did have a tendency to snap. He didn’t have to look at Lily to know she was watching the scene with lips pursed in judgment.

“Still, secret children? Have a little faith, McKinnon,” James said. Clearly Sirius had been more successful in cultivating a reputation as an incorrigible maverick than any of them could have predicted. He couldn’t figure out where she would have picked up such a barmy idea. The Hogwarts rumor mill had never circulated that particular rumor about Sirius. They would have known within twenty minutes from Peter who kept his nose to the ground when it came to such matters.

“Maybe you should lay off those randy novels,” Remus suggested.

“Well, I don’t know what else she was supposed to think,” Lily huffed, apparently not at all confused about the origins of this concern. “What was she supposed to think after seeing Sirius’s reaction on the Knight Bus? He was positively devastated when he found out that gorgeous blonde was pregnant. There are only so many options here.”

Remus turned to James with eyes as wide as saucers. Magnified by his specs, James imagined his eyes probably looked twice as large. All this time, they’d been walking around, speculating that Sirius had knocked up Narcissa? Narcissa who was a good five years older than them and married. Granted, she was a fox, but still. Even if they weren’t cousins, James would have thought the obvious age difference would have been enough to assuage their suspicions.

Generally speaking, James didn’t like to talk to anyone else about Sirius’s circumstances. Partially, his silence was born out of respect for his friend, but another part of him just didn’t want to share Sirius with another person. James was the only person alive who knew him so deeply, and he didn’t fancy sharing that. Besides, Sirius wouldn’t thank him for sharing around his business. He ought to keep his mouth shut.

But…Marlene appeared to be what Sirius wanted right then, and his life had been pretty miserable on all fronts lately. In the past week, James had witnessed Sirius rip Marlene’s head off for mistakes she’d made at least half a dozen times. Marlene had no hope of correcting her behavior when she had no idea what she was doing wrong. Maybe a good friend would meddle a bit, just to set her straight. Sirius certainly deserved a little horizon of happiness. Just this once, he could intervene and give Marlene a little guidance. Sirius’s happiness would be thanks in and of itself.

“Narcissa is a Black. They’re cousins,” James explained, mind made up.

Rather than relieved, Lily looked irritated. “All that mystery and they’re just cousins?”

James supposed he could see how that wouldn’t seem like a secret to someone not in the know.

“Listen, you just need to lay off anything about Sirius’s family,” James urged Marlene, staring her in the eye so that she would understand just how serious this was. “He hates them. They’re the worst kinds of people, and he’s never going to be completely reasonable when it comes to them.”

“But Regulus –”

“It’s only a matter of time until they fall out too,” James said with authority. He’d never said as much out loud before. “You can’t talk about them. That’s why your article yesterday set him off so much. If you have to say anything about his mum, it should be to call her a bitch. Just leave off all of it, and you’ll be happier for it.”

Marlene frowned. “I want him to feel like he can talk to me…”

“He doesn’t want to talk to you,” James said harshly.

“I think what James is trying to say, is that Sirius isn’t ready to talk to anyone just yet. He likes to sort his own problems,” Remus cut in diplomatically.

The girls all exchanged a look, a silent conversation that James couldn’t interpret. He knew enough to recognize that their looks of skepticism were weighing whether or not James offered good advice. Beyond that, whether Sirius’s refusal to accept help was recommendable, healthy. What James couldn’t tell was what conclusion they came to. Lily relaxed back into her seat with raised eyebrows, but she didn’t look angry or accusing either. Alice picked at the hem of her shirt. Marlene’s face was uncharacteristically impassive. The only person who looked outwardly disapproving was Mary; she was sneering.

James wondered whether or not he’d just made an enormous mistake in getting involved.

The party continued on for the next few hours until the day had dawned and other students startled to stumble their way downstairs to attend breakfast. Lily insisted she had to run back upstairs to put on more makeup before they could all leave for breakfast as well. Looking at her face, fresh and bright as a well shined sickle, James couldn’t see why, but she refused to go anywhere without, so everyone resigned to wait.

“I still say we just blow off all our classes today. It’s Marlene’s birthday!” Alice said, a tune she’d been singing for the past several hours. “We ought to celebrate!”

“What do you call what we just did?” Mary asked blithely.

“We skipped last Wednesday. We can’t do it again so soon or McGonagall will have our heads,” Remus said apologetically.

“Since when are you scared by the prospect of a detention?” Alice goaded.

Sirius scoffed loudly and flung his legs out on the couch. “Don’t pretend this has anything to do with us. You’re just on some school-sucks-kick, which, trust me, I appreciate, but I actually want good NEWTs.”

“Since when?”

“Since I got bloody disinherited and realized I’d need to make a living in the world,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

“You mean since you realized Prongs may someday get married and put you out on the street,” Remus laughed.

An argument ensued as to whether James would actually make Sirius find his own place once he started a family. James thought the argument was ridiculous. It went without saying that he would let Sirius stay! The wife would go before Sirius.

“No number of NEWTs is going to help you get a job when we’re living in Voldemortia,” Alice said bitterly.

“Voldemortia?” Marlene asked.

“I can only assume that the madman’s going to rename all of Britain in his name,” Alice said.

Grimacing, James ceded the point. The future did seem bleak, and he supposed classes weren’t going to be the real decider of whether or not they were successful someday. It was going to be a matter of luck as much as anything else – who won, who lost, who lived, who died. Playing at school being important was more about staying sane in the interim. They were all waiting for their real lives to start.

A different Gryffindor girl beat Lily down to breakfast that morning. Emerging from the staircase, James was mildly surprised to see Shelia. He knew she wasn’t staying with the other girls anymore, but he hadn’t spent any time thinking about where she might be sleeping instead. Clearly, she’d found some other girls’ dormitory to house her as she was coming from the girls’ staircase – now no longer a slide.

With unerring precision, her eyes sought out their group. She scanned all of their faces, a tally of who was there. Her expression held a lot of conflicting emotions. James could make out the abandonment easily enough. It’s what he would expect to see from someone who’d managed to isolate their every friend in a day. The anger wasn’t a surprise either.

A little more startling was when she marched over to talk to them. He’d thought she was still hiding with her tail between her legs. Even without knowing all the details, James thought she had a lot of gall. And James was a person who normally admired a little gumption.

“Where’s Lily?” she demanded sharply, chin upturned in defiance even though none of them had said anything to her.

Mary and Marlene shared a dark look, ignoring her completely. Alice looked like she could start growling at any second. James reckoned Sirius wasn’t the only one in the group with a dog for a patronus, though Alice’s was probably a Rottweiler or a Pitbull frothing at the mouth.

“Dunno,” Remus said, stepping in when it became clear that the girls had long run out of insults and turned to frosty silence instead.

“Whatever it doesn’t matter,” Shelia huffed, turning (bravely or stupidly it was hard to say) towards Alice. “Just tell her that I know what she’s trying to do with Dorcas, and it’s right pathetic.”

“What?” Mary asked wearily.

“Like you don’t all know. Probably planned it together,” Shelia snarled.

“I don’t know,” Sirius said honestly, raising his hand. “Tell me what’s going on.”

After a moment’s consideration, Shelia relaxed a bit. Sirius had no reason to hate her like the others. She could talk to him.

“I start hanging out with the sixth year girls, and suddenly Lily’s trying to buddy up with Dorcas, inviting her to dinner, trying to be her best friend. This is after she turned Susan Kerns against me,” Shelia explained. Again, she returned to Alice who in Lily’s absence Shelia apparently considered the leader of the group. “Just tell her that she can’t try to steal all my friends away from me. I mean, she _can_ try, but all it does is show everyone how pathetic she truly is.”

“Oy!” James had shouted before he had any idea what exactly he would, could, say next. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but try being less of a bitch about it, alright?”

 _And Lily’s not pathetic_. By the skin of his teeth, he refrained from adding in the last bit. He thought back to their rounds two nights before, Lily coming downstairs pale and shaken. Shelia wouldn’t call Lily pathetic if she’d seen her then. She’d call her pitiful.

Shelia leveled James with a look of mild betrayal but didn’t react beyond that. The dismissal had his blood at a boil. He knew that shouting insults wasn’t the kind of fighting that Shelia engaged in, wasn’t a battlefield she’d ever agree to meet him at. He’d have to shake her by her bony shoulders as he shouted to make her truly care about his words, and no amount of anger would ever justify that. James wished he could be more like Sirius, cool and derisive in the moment. A Black could make Shelia quake without ever lifting a finger.

As if reading James’ mind, Sirius said, “Shelia, do you like playing Quidditch for the Gryffindor team?” Sirius paused, leaving room for Shelia to answer, but she remained silent and wary. James couldn’t blame her. Cold as a winter’s night, Sirius’s tone promised nothing good. “You say Evans is trying to steal all your friends. Well if you don’t learn to keep your mouth shut, James’ll have you off the team, and that’s another six people you’ll have lost. There are only so many people at this school. Unless, of course, you plan to start courting the fourth years. I imagine you could find a few friends there.”

Sirius may have been the one who spoke the threat, but Shelia still rounded on James. He blinked, a bit surprised at her vehemence, as she shouted, “You can’t kick me off the team for not liking your girlfriend! I’ll go to McGonagall.”

There must have been a bit of Sirius in James after all, because when James answered back, his voice was as icy as if he’d been raised in the drafty manor of Grimmauld Place, “No, but I can kick you off for flying like a second year, which you have been for the past month.”

“You’re all unbelievable,” Shelia said.

“And, Shelia, come to practice half an hour early tomorrow. You’ll be running laps,” James said serenely.

A part of him – the part that had never met Lily Evans – almost felt bad for Shelia then. Behind all that bravado, he could just make out a hint of misery. Shelia had backed herself into a corner and had no idea how to get out, ramming against the walls and scratching at herself out of frustration. Lonely in love.

He had met Lily though. He’d met her and he’d adored her, and James wouldn’t soon forget how carelessly Shelia had broken her. Hurting Lily Evans, he thought, might just become the one act he could never forgive. And he didn’t make a good enemy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap. Have a lovely weekend, everyone!


	42. Oct 26: Part II

**Oct. 25, 1977**

The Hospital Wing always smelled terrible, awful in the sterile scents that came from ammonia and rubbing alcohols, the house elves srubbing clean every surface that might give off so much as a whiff of an organic scent. Matched with the white walls, white bed spreads, and the pale faces of its occupants and the Hospital Wing had a recipe for depressing cleanliness. Even Sirius who appreciated neatness – the only one of them who would take the time to fold all of his laundry and insisted upon putting a pair of trousers out to be washed even if he’d only worn them once – found the Hospital Wing oppressive.

Today, James actually missed the smell or lack thereof. There’d been an outbreak of a stomach bug at Hogwarts and the Hospital Wing was filled to the brim with students – sweating through fevers and vomiting into buckets behind the privacy curtains (thankfully spelled to prevent noise from escaping). The bug was easy enough to cure; Pomfrey had only to administer a large dose of a truly odious concoction and the students would see their symptoms clear within an hour. Still, until that hour was up, the students would remain in the Hospital Wing, sullying the atmosphere with the smells of the sick.

When James had arrived after class to visit Peter, he’d almost turned around and run right out the door. The voice of Remus in his mind, reminding James of how much Peter was suffering, had convinced him to stay if only to promise to return later. He’d been halfway through making his excuses – _Really would love to stay, mate, but I can’t afford to be sick. The team wouldn’t survive without me. And I’d lose the bet. Honestly, it just can’t be helped_ – when Pomfrey had overheard and loudly reassured James that none of the patients were contagious. Robbed of his excuse, James had reluctantly agreed to stay with Peter and the bevy of mostly Slytherin patients.

He told Peter all about Marlene’s birthday party, immediately feeling guilty for not having found a way to sneak it into the Hospital Wing so that Peter could join. Marlene and Peter had been close before the girl had worked up the nerve to speak to James or Sirius, reading their trashy books and gossiping about the student population. It would have been nice to invite him.

“Well, you won’t miss out for much longer,” James said cheerfully. “You’ll be out soon, right?”

Thankfully, Peter nodded. He looked buoyed by the reminder that he’d be out within the next week or two. James would have to remember to suggest they throw him a welcome back party. There was no way Sirius wouldn’t have thrown one for James in the same circumstances, and Peter was sure to notice the slight if they didn’t.

“I saw Snape in here with Lily, Monday,” Peter said.

“Makes sense. They’re friends,” James said the words grudgingly. Frankly, he still didn’t think it made a lick of sense, though he was starting to understand the way Lily thought and he supposed there was some logic behind her hesitance to cut the bat loose.

“Nah, it wasn’t like that. She didn’t want him here. He was giving her a hard time, and you could tell she was upset,” Peter puffed out his chest and said. “I had to chase him off. Be her savior and all that. She was really grateful to be rid of him.”

James sat frozen as he tried to process everything. The idea of Snape intimidating Lily, forcing his slimy company on her, was unacceptable. It made his chest feel heavy, like his heart had transformed into a lead ball of rage. He hated Snape, hated him more than anyone he’d ever met in his life – a symbol of bigotry, cold and superior when he had no right to be, and always a jealous shadow at Lily’s side. Not jumping up to go hunt the bastard down took a lot of effort. He clenched his toes in his shoes. Until he knew the story in its entirety, he had no business getting involved. After…well, after was a different matter altogether.

“Do you not like that?” Peter asked.

It took James a moment to recognize that Peter was asking about his own interference. It went without saying that James wouldn’t like Snape harassing Lily.

“Of course, you did the right thing, mate,” James said clapping his hand on Peter’s shoulder, though the force might have been a bit much as he was still struggling to restrain his anger. “You’re the best of friends.”

James meant it, of course. If he couldn’t be there, he hoped that all of his friends would step up and protect Lily whenever they saw the need. Like earlier today, when Sirius had jumped in to help shut down Shelia. Sirius wasn’t even on great terms with Lily, yet he’d still done his bit. They all would.

“What were they talking about?” James asked.

“I don’t know all the details,” Peter said cagily.

James had to resist the urge to shake him. It was obvious that Peter wanted to be courted for the information. He was like that sometimes, holding whatever James needed just out of reach. Remus said it was because Peter liked to be reminded that he was needed, a part of the group. Sirius often said it was because Peter was an insecure ponce who liked to feel powerful. Usually it didn’t bother James, but he was not in the mood to mess around just then.

“What do you know?” James demanded crossly.

His tone must have been firm enough because it convinced Peter to stop withholding. “It sounds like there’s a Slytherin giving her a hard time, and she thinks Snape should do something about it.”

Nothing new there, not really. And yet…Lily wouldn’t even tell James who was bothering her because she insisted she should get to handle the problem herself, and there she was sharing all the details with Snape of all people? She trusted Snape to protect her and take care of the problem but denied James at every opportunity. James was furious enough that if Lily were to walk through the door just then, James wasn’t sure he wouldn’t start shouting.

“She’d come to the Hospital Wing because she’d hurt her hand…I think the Slytherin who’s messing with her did it.”

James’ blood didn’t run cold. His everything did. When he swallowed, he felt like the iciness scalded the back of his throat.

“Hurt how?”

“She had a cut on it. I helped her treat it so that Pomfrey wouldn’t see. Long, not too deep,” Peter reported.

“And you didn’t think to tell me this sooner?” James snapped.

“You haven’t been to see me since,” Peter returned just as nastily.

“Do you know who’s bothering her?” James asked sharply.

“No clue,” Peter said. James stood up, and Peter raised his eyebrows. “Where are you going?”

“To find Lily,” James said.

“If she doesn’t want you to know, she won’t just tell you now,” Peter said sensibly.

“I don’t fucking care. I’m not going to let her go this time without giving me this fucker’s name,” James said.

“She has a million classes on Tuesday. She won’t like you interrupting. In fact, she’ll be furious,” Peter persisted. He clearly didn’t accept that James was in the kind of mood where reason was the opposite of welcome.

“I’ll see you later. Thanks for telling me,” James said shortly.

Before he could move a step towards the door, Peter had drawn his wand and hexed him so that James’ knees gave out and he went toppling back into his chair. He shot forward so that he was sitting upright, fuming and seconds away from drawing his own wand, which would obviously be a dick move as Peter was _paralyzed_ and his friend. James grit his teeth and stayed seated.

“What the hell was that?” he demanded.

“Honestly, I don’t even know what she sees in you,” Peter said derisively. “She doesn’t want you to be her protector. If she did, she would ask. Instead, she’s asked Snape. She’s leaned on me. You’re not her boyfriend, James. You’re her pal who she sometimes gets off with. Accept it and take a seat, for Morgana’s sake.”

Perhaps it was the sharp rebuke coming from Peter of all people which gave James pause. After all, Peter was almost never cross, more often meek or sycophantic. Peter being so passionate on the subject meant that James ought to take a second and review the issue from a different angle.

Unfortunately, when the second was up, he still didn’t understand Peter’s perspective and said so.

“What’s your problem?” James snapped.

“My problem is that you’re the greediest person alive. You have Lily-fucking-Evans, who you don’t deserve at all mind you, giving you the time of day. But that’s not enough! Not for you, the great James Potter! You’re going to run off and cock everything up because you have to have everything – her time, her body, her damn secrets even. Some of us have nothing, yet you walk around like you’ve been bloody robbed whenever you don’t have one tiny thing you want!”

By the time he’d finished, Peter’s face had flushed a light purple. He didn’t seem to know how to settle his face in the wake of his outburst, surprise warring with anger. The vein of his neck pulsed.

In his peripheral vision, James saw a first year starting at them through a crack in the curtains. The kid’s jaw was dropped in disbelief at the tirade he’d just witnessed. People didn’t normally talk to the Head Boy like that. James yanked the curtains shut with more violence than necessary. It felt good to tear at something, and now no one would be able to hear their conversation.

“Wanting to stop some death eater monster from hurting Lily makes me _greedy_?” James said, voice surprisingly relaxed considering his torso was being burnt alive by an inferno of anger as he spoke.

“Please, like this is about keeping Lily safe! If it was, you’d be happy to hear that Snape promised he’d take care of things for her, but you’re not, are you? You want to be the one who rides in and saves her day. This is about you wanting to be that person for her,” Peter said.

Stony-faced, James said nothing. All of the defenses that sprang to mind fell apart when faced with the undeniable truth that James did not want Snape to raise so much as a finger to protect Lily. Maybe if her life was threatened, but in no other circumstance. It was impossible to argue differently. Still, James felt frustrated and confused in turn because he still thought his motivations were pure. Somehow, Peter had gotten everything mixed up so that a good impulse looked controlling, twisted even. Unsure how that had happened, James couldn’t begin to explain himself.

“Since when do you even care?” James said, perhaps a bit unfairly as he knew that Peter had always involved himself in his friends’ lives, a natural advisor plus a person whose own affairs were a bit lacking. “Just a few weeks ago, you went out of your way to terrorize her so badly she cried! Where was all your concern then?”

“I didn’t know she was that terrified of rats,” Peter said bitterly.

James held up a finger in triumph. He wasn’t about to cede the point. “Maybe not at first, but you knew damned well what you were doing at the end when she kicked you. Honestly, you complain and complain but you have no one to blame for being here but yourself.”

“I knew it! I knew you didn’t actually feel sorry for me!” Peter cried.

“None of this would have happened if you hadn’t been nosy and spied on me. Who else should I be blaming?”

“Sirius!” Peter shouted vehemently.

This conversation was going to give him whiplash. James wasn’t even sure what they were arguing about anymore. Peter had pissed him off, so he’d lashed out with a low blow about his injury – a dick move as he didn’t even feel upset about the whole spying thing anymore – and now, they were somehow, impossibly, onto Sirius. What was next? Jabs about each other’s mothers?

“Why am I supposed to be blaming Sirius now?” James asked wearily. Realizing the ridiculous turn of their conversation had sapped the heat out of him.

“It was his idea that I go spy on you in the first place,” Peter said.

James had been the first one to use the word spy, but something about hearing it confirmed made him shiver. Never had he though his friend was actually watching him for nefarious purposes, chalking everything up to a prank of some sort. A conspiracy amongst two of his closest mates made no sense, yet James still felt uneasy. He knew whatever Peter said next would cause nothing but problems.

“Why? I mean, how did it all happen?”

Peter smiled like he’d been waiting for James to ask for weeks. Like James should have known Peter’s weakly offered explanations had been rubbish and demanded the truth from the very start.

“I’d been looking at the Map, and I noticed when Lily entered the classroom. It was just me and Sirius upstairs, so I told him. He was the one who suggested I go watch. See what you and Lily were getting up to,” Peter said.

Huh.

That was…

Huh.

If Peter was hoping that James would fly off the top and redirect his anger towards Sirius at this revelation, he was in for some disappointment. James wasn’t angry; he didn’t feel in any way betrayed. To feel like Sirius had invaded his privacy, James would have had to place boundaries on what areas of his life he was willing to share with Sirius, and there were none. Sirius was welcome to all his secrets, the mundane and salacious alike.

“That’s rotten luck, mate,” James said to Peter. He hoped that Sirius didn’t feel too guilty for sending Peter out on a mission with such terrible consequences. There had been no way Sirius could have predicted Lily would almost kill Peter. Well, not unless Sirius had been brushing up on his Divination skills and this had all been a complex but poorly formulated attempt to off Peter. James doubted it. He’d managed to turn Sirius off from the whole murder-your-enemies thing.

“Listen, I don’t even know why we’re fighting. You stood up for Lily when she needed someone, and I’m not going to act like I care so much that you spied on me a little. Can’t own the cloak and then act all sanctimonious about privacy,” James said. “Let’s just take a breath, yeah?”

“You don’t want to know why Sirius wanted to see what you were up to with Lily in the first place?” Peter said, dangling the mystery above his head like James was a cat and it the trailing tail of a ball of yarn.

The answer was not particularly. James assumed the conversation had gone something like: _Ha ha ha. James and his pitiful obsession with Evans. You should go watch to see if he makes a prat of himself. Then we can mock him forever and ever. Ha ha ha._

“Peter, you’re my mate, but if what you’re about to say is shit-starting, then I don’t want to hear it,” James said with a sigh. He wondered when he’d become someone who sighed so much and whether it made him look old. His father was always sighing as he read the paper.

“Fine,” Peter relented grumpily.

Then, because James felt guilty for upsetting Peter when the very purpose of his visit had been to uplift Peter’s spirits, James said, “Listen, you were right enough about Lily. I shouldn’t go chase her down, demanding answers like she’s done something wrong. I want her to talk to me, yeah, but I can’t force it. Until she can, I’m glad she’s got you to look out for her.”

“You still don’t deserve her,” Peter said bizarrely.

And then, something clicked in James’ mind and Peter’s reaction transformed from bizarre to depressing.

Peter and his damned high standards when it came to girls. They’d always joked that Peter was going to end up alone because he’d settle for nothing but the best. Was there a person in the school who would argue the best wasn’t Lily Evans?

Of course Peter fancied her. It was blaringly obvious, like missing a solar eclipse taking place before your eyes on a picnic. Lily was the prettiest girl in school. One of the cleverest. Most people wouldn’t list her amongst the sexiest, opting for more obvious answers – Diana Urquart, Reina Lopez, Shelia – but James knew from experience that she belonged on that list.

Most importantly, she acknowledged Peter. They were Herbology partners, a fact Peter had emphasized to him repeatedly in the past. She held Peter’s hand after he’d been paralyzed, asked about his summer following every holiday. In the face of so much loveliness, Peter couldn’t have been expected to hold out.

James wasn’t immediately sure what to say. Had Sirius or Remus dared to start fancying Lily, they would have had _words_. But this was Peter. Lumpy, overlookable Peter. It wasn’t like Lily would ever view him as a possible romantic interest. Shutting someone like Peter down, well, it was just sad. The world would make things clear to him soon enough without James’ interference.

The only bit that still had him slightly cross was how Peter had just torn him apart out of some misguided jealousy. After six plus years, James honestly thought Peter’s loyalty should have been to him before any girls or self-interest. Some people, like Shelia for example, tried to make out like loyalty was this tricky, fluid thing that was hard to pin down. Utter bollocks in James’ opinion. He knew that you owed the people who put in the time. Who tried to know every part of you, good and bad, and then stuck around with their smiles undimmed. Look at Mary and Marlene. If Peter was right and Mary really was in love with Marlene, she still knew enough of loyalty to make sure Marlene never suffered a moment for it. Even if it meant watching Marlene snog Sirius every five minutes. Loyalty was saying, I’d rather see my heart trampled underfoot than see yours cracked.

Had James stolen Lily from Peter that would have been one thing. If Peter had lamented about how much he’d loved Lily for years, James would have felt a degree of guilt. But it was James who had the claim there, years of longing and praise for Lily meant that, at least amongst their group of four, no one but James had any right to make a move on Lily. Peter couldn’t just twist that around.

Despite Peter’s harsh words, however, he’d still stopped James from running after Lily. That would have been an unequivocal disaster. Peter had saved James from himself like a good friend ought to, and James didn’t think it was fair to complain about the window dressings.

“You’re right. I don’t deserve her.”

James had let the silence stretch on too long while he sorted through his thoughts but Peter still looked appeased. More than anything, Peter was probably bitter about how unfairly stacked the game was in James’ favor. When it came to attracting a woman, James was clearly operating on a different level. Seeing James abase himself a bit would let Wormtail pretend the gap between them was less the gaping chasm of an ocean and more a hoppable stream. A balm for what was surely a humiliating reality.

Continuing on like nothing had happened – Peter hadn’t lost his temper and James hadn’t made a shocking discovery – was pretty much impossible. Now that the moment was over, James could tell that Peter wanted to make amends. He was desperate really. Peter’s every move towards prompting a new conversation was fumbling and needy. In the wake of his brutal honesty, Peter now wanted James to reassure him that everything was okay between them.

The truth was that everything would be fine between the two. James was hardly going to drop his friend of years for having a burst of temper. On one occasion or another, they were all guilty of losing it. In all fairness, it had been Peter’s turn to be the loud one for a change.

That said, James wasn’t exactly in the mood to play nice with Peter either. Just because he would find it in himself to forgive Peter in time didn’t mean that he wanted to sit by his bedside and promise him that there were no hard feelings. There were and frankly, James was more than ready to get out of the stifling room.

“You’re leaving?” Peter said voice reedy, though he matched it with a warbling smile. The type designed to convince James that Peter was strong and unbothered.

James stretched the tense muscles of his back as he stood. The chair by Peter’s bed was too low to the ground, too cramped. Already, he could feel a spur of excitement zipping through him at the prospect of getting out of the room, outside even. “Yeah. I’ve got a lot to do today.”

With that he made his escape.

In a way, James was almost happy that Peter had freaked out on him. It meant that James didn’t need to feel guilty about not being kinder, more understanding, more generous with Peter. Even though he’d followed Remus’s instructions and put in an effort to be more sensitive to Peter’s condition, James still left each visit with an intractable sense of guilt, like he was failing Peter somehow. T0day, he didn’t feel an ounce of sympathy and the world had never looked so beautiful.

Well, that was an exaggeration. The day was overcast, but not in the way that promised rain. More it offered a sense that the weather was hovering, on the verge of a storm, but one that would never follow through. Black and dreary without any of the drought preventing benefits of an actual rainstorm.

Incidentally – he hadn’t been looking for company – James spotted Marlene. She was trudging up the path from the school gates, laden with an enormous box that looked on the precipice of tumbling with every unsure step she took. While James wasn’t in the mood for a chat, he couldn’t exactly feign ignorance and walk away.

He jogged downhill to where she was making her ascent and obligingly took the box out of her hands. Blinking in surprise, it took Marlene a second to recognize that help arrived, but once she did, she showed nothing but gratitude.

“No worries,” James said breezily, managing to balance the box easily enough against his hip. It wasn’t heavy. Rather it had just been too cumbersome for Marlene’s comparatively short arms to handle. He could manage it well enough. “What is this exactly?”

“Pens! Mary ordered thousands of pens, which is several thousand too many in my opinion, but no one asked me anyway. Security wouldn’t let the owls deliver it directly since it’s so big and muggle, so they just dropped it outside. Mary’s in class, so Filch contacted me to get them instead,” Marlene rambled, somehow appearing exasperated and delighted simultaneously.

James thought it was meant to be an explanation, but he was lost on several levels. Not the least of which was that he didn’t know what a pen was.

“Why does Mary want so many…pens?” James asked.

“A few weeks ago she mentioned wanting to sell them here at Hogwarts, but I thought she’d just dropped the idea. It’s not like it was a particularly good idea. I mean, what kind of purebloods are going to buy a bunch of muggle pens? Not many that I know. But then these just arrived, so I guess she’d put in a mail order for them,” Marlene said.

“And what do they do?”

“Oh! Put the box down,” Marlene ordered as she realized his dilemma. Obediently, James did as he was told. Marlene unpacked the top of the box so that she could unearth the slim instrument. “Do you have any parchment?” James didn’t have any of his school supplies on him since he finished up classes early on Tuesdays. “No matter,” Marlene assured him. Then, she proceeded to draw a single line across her palm and blew James’ fucking mind.

All this time, he’d been using a quill and ink while freaking _pens_ existed! He wanted to rail against the injustice of the world. In a second, he relived all of the trousers he’d stained throughout his life because he was expressive when he talked and prone to knocking his inkwell over and destroying everything in his vicinity. James thought of the many times he’d suffered when he’d run out of ink in the middle of class (this was when he forgot to bring his eternally refilling inkwell, an occurrence that happened with more frequency than he cared to admit) and he’d have to beg ink off one of his classmates, no one eager to share.

“That…is the greatest thing I have ever seen!” James nearly cheered. “How much to buy one? No, a dozen?”

Marlene got over her surprise pretty quickly. “Um…I don’t know how much Mary’s planning to sell them for? You can’t have any until she sets a price.”

“How about a galleon?” James offered. He fished around in the pocket of his robes to see if he had any money on him.

“A galleon for twelve Bic pens?” Marlene said like the prospect was scandalous.

“Two galleons?”

“I’ll have to let Mary decide,” Marlene laughed, but then she looked at James with something akin to concern. “But if anyone ever tries to sell you a dozen pens for a galleon, refuse.”

James filed that good advice away for future use. Good quality pens cost more than a galleon. Got it.

“Were you headed down to the Pitch?” Marlene asked.

“Yeah,” James said even though he hadn’t decided upon a destination when he first came outside. The Quidditch Pitch was as good a destination as any.

“Mind if I come? We could throw a quaffle around or something,” Marlene said hopefully.

James froze. He and Marlene had never been friends, certainly not the sort that hung around together alone. On instinct alone, he was inclined to say no. But then he started to think about Lily. If Lily were to approach Sirius and ask the same thing, James would hope that Sirius would agree, wouldn’t reject her on the spot. Plus, it was the girl’s birthday. Self-consciously, Marlene tucked a flyaway strand of hair behind her ear.

“Sure. We can scrounge up a practice broom for you,” James agreed.

And that was how James came to hang out with Marlene McKinnon and only Marlene McKinnon for the first time in his life.

He learned several new things about her in a very short time. First, she was a natural flier. Protecting the three hoops on the far end of the stadium, Marlene proved to be a mean keeper. Obviously she wasn’t as good as any of the house teams’ keepers. She’d need to practice for that, but Marlene could have been Gryffindor’s keeper if she’d applied herself when she was younger. James, of course, wasn’t throwing anything too complicated her way, but she had a good eye for tracking the quaffle and did a commendable job of catching it before he could score. A part of him cried at what could have been every time she managed to snag the quaffle by just the tips of her fingers.

Second was that Marlene was borderline obsessed with the old, wizarding elite. The rubbish that James’ parents refused to engage in – the flashy parties and interviews in gossip magazines – were Marlene’s favorite pastime. She read through those mags with a desperation to learn about wizarding culture that was borderline admirable. James couldn’t even list every family in the Pureblood 12, but Marlene could rattle the names off the top of her head without pausing to think.

“What is that?” James asked her at one point. The controversial article from yesterday’s dinner was still fresh in his mind. How a muggleborn girl could become so impressed by the shallow world of pureblood society, especially in their current political climate, was lost on him.

Marlene didn’t pretend not to understand what he meant. Her broom dipped dangerously a few times as she started to shake, a gesture of nervousness, but when she spoke she chose honesty. James had to admit he was impressed as he wasn’t sure he could have been as honest in her shoes.

“I started reading up on everything when I was a second year. I wanted to fit in I guess, and it wasn’t easy back then. No one really talked to me except for Mary and some of the professors, and just nothing made sense. Before that, I’d thought the wizarding world, Britain, none of it made sense. But those fashion mags are like rulebooks in a way, aren’t they? They helped me realize this place had just as much order, hierarchy and etiquette, as back home. I wanted to learn it all.”

“But that was then. Surely you understand everything by now,” James said, almost lazily swinging his arm overhead and launching the quaffle towards the center ring.

Marlene caught it – like he’d intended – without any effort. “Well, yeah. Now I just like it. All these people who are so sure of their place in the world. What’s not to like?”

They moved on to other conversation shortly after that, but by then James felt like maybe he understood Marlene for the first time. Sirius and the rest of the Blacks were perfectly confident in their place in the world, even if they thought those places were different. That kind of self-confidence had to appear intoxicating to someone like Marlene who second-guessed herself constantly. It also explained why Marlene had never appeared drawn to Remus or Peter. They walked around with an enormous question mark drawn into the line of their brows. It was Sirius and James who never wondered. And it was Sirius and James who had earned several glowingly penned articles about how wonderful they were.

The third thing James discovered about Marlene was that she really, _really_ liked Sirius. So fast that James had to wonder when she drew a breath, Marlene talked about her boyfriend. James, who had thought that he could never find Sirius Black a boring subject, found himself desperate for a topic change.

It made him almost nervous, the amount of pleasure Marlene appeared to take discussing the most mundane comments Sirius had made. As Marlene spoke avidly about how her mum was going to send her some new shampoo in the mail, shampoo that Sirius was definitely going to love since he had hair as soft and fine as a girl’s anyway, the guilt James had been so happy to push away with Peter returned. Because Sirius did not talk about Marlene like that. In all honesty, he didn’t talk about Marlene much at all.

Not that Sirius didn’t like her! In fact, James was pretty certain Sirius had never liked any girl as intensely as he seemed to like Marlene. That said, there was still a pretty obvious disparity between the two’s commitment. The dissolution of Dahlia and Remus was enough to show James that those kinds of imbalances always caught up with a couple sooner or later.

Plus there was that muggleborn thing…yeah, James was starting to feel that itch at the back of his neck again. He wondered if feeling constantly guilty for everything you’ve done and the actions of everyone around you was a struggle everyone faced. Whether it was just a part of growing up. He would never stop missing the blind, comforting ignorance that came with youth.

On their way back to the castle, Marlene’s talk about Sirius took a turn for the serious. “I’ve really been thinking about what you told me this morning, and I think you’re right. I haven’t been great at reading Sirius, you know his physical cues and everything? So, it’s something I really need to work on if I want to be a good girlfriend.”

“Right,” James said. Before he could stop himself, his traitor of a mouth added, “But you know you deserve the same, right?”

“What do you mean?”

If James had the invisibility cloak in his possession in that moment, he probably would have tossed it around himself and made a run for it. He did not want to answer just what he meant by that. Not one bit. Answering was a betrayal of Sirius. Honestly, he hadn’t even admitted to himself that such treacherous thoughts existed, and yet here they were articulated for an outsider to hear. Maybe Peter’s disloyalty had rubbed off on him.

“Just…ugh…you deserve nice things, too,” James said sounding every bit a moronic caveman stumbling through formal speech for the first time.

“You’re too sweet,” Marlene replied cheerfully.

James wanted to bask in the sense of relief that ought to have accompanied her easy acceptance of his non-answer, but there was something shrewd in her eyes as he said it. As sunny and flighty as Marlene often appeared, there was an intelligence there as well. It’s not like Lily would have been friends with a complete ninny, and he should have anticipated Marlene would understand the implication behind his words. The implication being that maybe Sirius hadn’t been acting like boyfriend of the year lately either.

If this got out, Sirius was going to hex him and Lily was going to dance a jig.

Dinner was just around the corner by the time they reentered the castle. The sky starting to purple like a ripened bruise as the sun set and the day became too cold to even consider staying out, not without a few more layers at least. There was a group of students gathering lingering in the Entrance Hall, nothing unusual as students often congregated before meals as they chatted with friends from other houses and reveled in the freedom that came with the end of classes. As they drew closer, however, James sensed that something was off about this crowd. They were poised as if to strike, an almost predatory eagerness in the eyes of even the most wary members of the group. James could recognize that kind of anticipation. It was the kind that predicated a fight.

James pushed his way forward immediately, not entirely sure whether he wanted to watch the commotion that ensued or break it up. He figured he could always make up his mind once he knew who was involved. If it was Sirius beating fucking Michael Sterns to a pulp, for example, he would suddenly and mysteriously go blind to the rule-breaking before him.

It wasn’t Sirius.

It was Jerome DesMaurius and, almost unthinkably, Diana Urquart. Immediately, James lost interest. A lovers tiff between the infamous cheating pair wasn’t particularly interesting and didn’t require any intervention on his part. He’d just turned around to shoulder his way back from the crowd when a screech made him realize that yes, yes this situation most certainly required someone responsible to step in.

Jerome had just levelled a levicorpus at Diana, the girl hanging suspended and (thankfully) wearing trousers in front of the crowd of jeering onlookers. Her hair was so long that the tips of it trailed the floor from her hanging position. Jerome had evidently used the spell to prevent Diana from walking away from him and was now hurling every kind of abuse at the defenseless girl. Instinctively, James’ right hand went for his wand while his left clenched into a fist, unsure whether he was going to hex or deck the git.

“Take it the fuck back!” Jerome shouted.

The Ravenclaw found it rather difficult to speak when he tried to continue as a stream of bubbles began to stream from his gaping mouth. James watched Jerome’s plight with satisfaction as the bastard choked and spluttered around the mouthful of soap. James remembered he was meant to be responsible after only a moment of victorious sneering and righted Diana who looked effervescently thankful to no longer be upside down.

“What the fuck, Potter?” Jerome demanded once he’d managed to stem the flow of bubbles.

“I don’t care what kind of lovers’ spat you’re having, you lay off,” James ordered shortly. His patience for wizards who lost their temper and cursed their girlfriends was approximately zero.

“You don’t even know what she did!” Jerome roared, cheeks flushed with color.

To James’ surprise, Jerome actually looked somewhat chastised by James’ rebuke. Whether it was the public humiliation or the realization that he’d just broken one of the cardinal rules of being a man was unclear.

“I don’t care if she sucked off the entire Slytherin Quidditch team. You don’t raise your wand at her,” James snapped.

“She’s not my girlfriend. She can do whatever she likes in that department,” Jerome said. “What she can’t do is talk that pureblood shite like that. Are you really going to take a stand about that, Potter?”

The first niggling kernel of doubt entered James’ mind. Pureblood shite didn’t sound good. Granted the title could cover a number of things: the annoying way all pureblood grandmums attended the same card games and always came back with stories about how Mrs. Greengrass’s grandson had an internship at the Ministry and why, oh why don’t you? Or the way purebloods could never quite work out how to pronounce muggle appliances, no matter how many times their irritated halfblood friends tried to sound out refrigerator.

Or, you know, there was the whole genocidal rampage thing.

“Care to explain,” James offered Diana, who a bit stupidly hadn’t taken advantage of James’ initial focus on Jerome and disappeared into the relative safety of the Great Hall.

“Jerome overheard a private conversation that had _nothing_ to do with him and just lost it,” Diana sniffed. The whole imperious thing didn’t work so well with her hair askew and a tremor in her voice. “He’s completely mad.”

Okay, now James was completely certain that he did not want to hear what Diana had said. It was undoubtedly something ugly. Of course, that meant Jerome immediately volunteered the information.

“The bitch was defending herself to her friends, saying how she’s not a blood traitor for sleeping with me because I’m a half-blood, which means _obviously_ I shouldn’t be allowed to breed – and that’s the word she used mind you, breed – but that I don’t need to be locked away or anything,” Jerome was working himself up into another frenzy as he related the events that had occurred before James arrived. “Your name came up towards the end as an example of a real blood traitor. Diana didn’t have nice things to say about your girlfriend.”

Diana had the good grace to look embarrassed at James being let in on that lovely tidbit of information, but her stammering and blushing did exactly nothing to garner sympathy with him. Accepting that people were going to talk about him and Lily had been difficult enough for him; he appreciated his privacy and knew that too much attention could make her turn tail and run. Accepting that bigots were going to levy abuse at Lily, even if it was just behind her back, was almost too much for him to take. The fingers of his wand hand flexed, and James began to understand just what could have made Jerome consider lifting his wand.

James wasn’t sure whether he should stop Jerome from tearing her apart. Not anymore.

“I have the right to an opinion,” Diana tried, eyes scanning the crowd for some support, all of which had evaporated once James intervened.

“Yeah? And I have the right to say that my father, the muggle, is worth a hundred of you,” Jerome said. “And by the way, you’re not fooling anyone talking about James and Lily. We all know that you’re just jealous. Here’s a tip. Try not being a huge whore, and then maybe some bloke will be willing to date you.”

Diana proved that blondes did not do red-faced fury well as her normally pretty face twisted into something ferocious. “It didn’t stop you!”

“You can’t think for a second that I would have dated you! I mean, come on! You’re borderline disgusting,” Jerome sneered.

Diana lunged.

In the ensuing chaos, the decision to intervene became obvious. Yes, Diana was an awful human being and Jerome had every right to be furious, but Jerome wasn’t engaging as just a wronged half-blood. He was calling Diana a used-up whore and all the other names a bloke could use if he was trying to destroy a girl he’d dated. Their argument had twisted towards the petty. Also, James was pretty sure that Diana was going to scratch one of Jerome’s eyes out if someone didn’t separate them.

The scuffle was broken up easily enough once James stepped in since Jerome wasn’t trying to physically beat Diana and she was a slight enough thing once James hauled her off by the waist. The hard part was figuring out how to mediate as Head Boy. Neither party was innocent, but Diana was undoubtedly guiltier. Before a crowd of people, James didn’t want to make any move that would equate their wrongdoing in the eyes of the school.

When James spoke, his indecision was absent from his voice. It was the tone he used on the Quidditch Pitch when he needed his team to follow his orders without hesitation. A tone that was firm and brooked trust. “Jerome, five points from Ravenclaw for magic in the corridors and another five for verbal abuse.”

Jerome looked ready to spit at him.

“But,” James continued quickly. “Ten points to Ravenclaw for standing up to bigotry when you saw it.”

A burst of whispers followed his pronouncement. Prefects couldn’t give points. Never in Hogwarts history had attempts by prefects to gain such powers been upheld by the professors and prefects had tried pretty regularly for hundreds of years. James didn’t care. Here, today, was the first time and it was going to stick if he had to march into Dumbledore’s office and break every knick knack in the overcrowded room.

“Finally, ten points from Slytherin for abusive language and another thirty for fighting in the corridors. Everybody go to dinner,” James finished.

“You can’t take points for sharing an opinion,” Diana argued.

Unimpressed, James said, “You go find a professor, tell them exactly what you said, and see if they overturn my decision. I’ll honor it if they do.”

James could practically see her brain race as it worked through the odds – half the professors at school would give her a detention if they found out all the details of the incident and the other half, the ones that weren’t vehemently opposed to the bigoted nonsense she was spouting, still wouldn’t act in support of it. Amongst the staff, she would be friendless.

All said, James was pretty satisfied with how he’d handled the situation when Diana gave a strangled shrug and exited the scene. Gratitude was too much to expect from Jerome whose blood was still at a boil, but the bloke gave him a steady nod, so James figured that was fair enough. Given he hadn’t solved anything, not permanently at least, maybe James ought to have felt a little less chipper, but he was riding high on the walk back to Gryffindor Tower and all throughout his shower.

He’d taken a stand. Making loud proclamations and moralizing wasn’t exactly new to him. He’d put the deatheater wannabes in their place often enough in the past, but that was usually through stunning bouts of humiliation, the kind that bordered on bullying. The kind of behavior that James had sworn off. To still be able to stand up for what he believed in, to make clear to the sometimes impressionable masses of Hogwarts students that James Potter was not going to condone certain behaviors, it felt damn good.

A path, blurry and not fully formed, appeared before him, and while he didn’t know where it led, he could see that it was sunny and bright.

The whole school seemed to know about his confrontation with Diana and Jerome by the time he made it downstairs for dinner. James preened under the attention, delighted by the hateful stares coming towards him from gits like Mulciber and proud of the shy smiles of the younger muggleborn students, the ones who looked at him like he was something of a hero.

Spotting his mates at the table already, James started to head to join them when he saw something that made his stomach clench. At the very end of Gryffindor table, Lily was standing with Erik Carmichael. Their heads were dipped close together and they were talking rapidly; the space between them was negligible. Before his eyes, James watched as Lily gripped Erik’s arm, along the crook of his elbow.

The whole thing terribly mirrored what he’d seen last week when he’d watched Lily flirt unabashedly with Erik. Back then, James had wanted to flip over the table, but he’d managed to make it through dinner without incident. He should be able to do the same now. Unfortunately, his strength of will felt noticeably weak.

James just couldn’t believe that he still had to share Lily with Erik Carmichael. Not just because Carmichael was a wanker. Any bloke would have been equally awful. His disbelief mostly came from the realization that they still weren’t exclusive, not in Lily’s mind. After everything that they’d been through together – the positives like the club and the progression of their physical relationship and the negatives like her heartbreak over Shelia – he thought they were something more. James was not an insecure person. Not even for a second was he going to consider the possibility that their relationship was one-sided. If James felt the same floating sensation that came with flying when he saw Lily, then she had to feel the same way. And it made him royally brassed off that in the face of all that sincerity, she was still holding back and messing about with someone she knew wasn’t right for her.

In the matter of only a minute of thinking, James managed to work himself up into something of a fury and marched over to where Lily and Erik were so obscenely coupled. Both of them noticed his rather determined approach and looked at him expectedly. Lily smiled.

Before he could open his mouth to say whatever self-righteous spiel came to mind, Lily interrupted and said, “Erik was just telling me about what you did with Urquart.”

“Pretty impressive, Potter,” Erik chimed in.

James stopped, gobsmacked. Increasing his confusion, Lily took one of his hands in her own and gave it a hearty squeeze. Only the barest hint of jealousy flickered through Carmichael’s eyes. Seeing Lily and James hand in hand wasn’t a surprise to him, wasn’t something worth commenting upon.

“Do you want to eat dinner together?” James asked, voice weak as he struggled to work out what to do with his anger. He was starting to feel like he’d been wrong to get so upset without knowing all the details. Lily wasn’t acting guilty at least.

“Sure thing. I’ll talk to you later, Erik,” Lily said brightly. She then started to walk over to their friends, her hand still firmly locked with his. “From everything I’m hearing. It sounds like you were behaving positively head-boyish earlier today. Not an immature quip or anything. I’m very impressed.”

James shrugged a little sheepishly. “Well, I was just doing what you’d do.”

“I know. I should be annoyed by it actually. Keep this up and you’re going to steal my victory right out from under me,” Lily laughed.

A few meters from their friends, James stopped in the aisle. Lily turned to him with eyebrows raised in question. They were far enough away from their friends that no one would overhear them. The same couldn’t be said for the other Gryffindors at the table, but they’d at least have to strain their ears to hear, and James figured that was all the privacy he needed.

“Should I be jealous of you and Carmichael?” he asked. Honest. Straight to the point.

The abruptness of his question clearly threw Lily and she shifted her weight uneasily from hip to hip. James could be patient, at least when something mattered, so he kept quiet while she organized her thoughts. Eventually she chuckled nervously.

“Well, I don’t want to tell you how to feel,” Lily said.

“Lily,” James said, her name a warning.

“If I was you, I wouldn’t be jealous,” Lily said more firmly. Her grip on his hand tightened as if she could convey her sincerity through their linked fingers. “Erik knows nothing is going to happen between us.”

“You told him that?”

“ _Yes_.”

 _The Daily Prophet_ had never printed an issue with better news than this. In his wildest dreams, James hadn’t thought Lily would ever summon up the nerve to be candid with Erik. At best, he thought Lily would have just started to ignore Erik until the sixth-year realized that she was trying to blow him off and gave up.

“From what I heard, your date with him went well,” James said cagily. He immediately hated himself for being so transparent, like a girl fishing for compliments from her friends by calling herself fat.

“It went fine, but I didn’t stop seeing Erik because of something he did,” Lily said.

James watched as a blush crept up from Lily’s neck, her throat darkening to the color of a peach. “Then why?”

“Because of you, obviously,” Lily said, rolling her eyes.

James didn’t care that Lily thought he was an insecure twat now. He didn’t care that she was eyeing him like he had lost his mind. All he cared about was her hand in his, and how she didn’t flinch or pull away when he squeezed it a little bit tighter.

“So dinner, huh?” James said, pressing a brief kiss against the side of her head. “Wonder if the elves cooked up some duck today. I haven’t had a good duck in ages.”

“When have the elves ever served duck unless it was a holiday?” Lily said.

They sat down for dinner, and while there was no duck, James couldn’t remember a meal he enjoyed as much in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is a really long chapter where nothing happens lol, but the next two chapters are a hoot, so stay tuned and have a great weekend!


	43. Oct. 27: Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thank you to all the people who said nice things about last chapter. I should insult my work more often haha. This chapter we see the return of Lily, some important growth for a couple characters, and position ourselves for what I consider one of my favorite chapters next week. Enjoy!

**October 27, 1977**

The girls spent a long time laboring over the perfect outfits that morning. Striking the right balance, professional without appearing like they were trying too hard, was essential. After all, it wasn’t like the career fair that Ames had organized last-minute was an interview or anything. The chances were low that any of them would meet their future boss, find their callings, really gain anything of value from the event. The very prospect that something could come of it though…well, it was intoxicating.

Mary, who could usually be counted upon as the rock of reason when the girls descended into such wardrobe chaos, changed her outfit at least four times before they were ready to leave. Comparatively, Lily spent far less time on picking her outfit – already knowing that she would opt for her best school robes, opaque black stockings, and a neat pair of flats – but reironed her robe to destroy the imaginary wrinkles she kept spotting every half hour. Debating whether or not she should add some jewelry for a little flair, Lily desperately missed Shelia as no one else had better taste (sartorially, at least).

“Just go with the navy ones,” Marlene instructed, flipping through a magazine and only half paying attention to Mary as she fluttered between the lavatory and her trunk.

“But my robes are black,” Mary argued. She sat on her bed and stared critically at the array of shoes that she owned, four total pairs. All sensible. All of which would match fine with a pair of black robes.

“Yeah, and black goes with everything,” Alice said. Having been ready for the past half hour, Alice was cutting her toenails on the floor. She hadn’t put a bit of effort into her appearance and somehow looked sloppier than she did most days, almost like she was daring any of the adults to comment on how unpresentable she looked.

“No, according to Marlene’s magazines black shoes can be paired with any color robe, but black robes only match black shoes or a pair with a pop of color.” Mary glared accusingly at her shoes. “Why don’t I own any shoes in lemon?”

“Then wear the black. The ones with the short heel,” Lily suggested.

Mary sighed. “But then I’ll look positively dull. Employers are looking for personality, signs that you’re interested in something outside your studies. Black school robes and black shoes scream I have no life and live in the library.”

“How could they possibly think that after they meet you?” Marlene snorted.

Everyone laughed, and Mary seemed to relax a little bit at Marlene’s gentle ribbing. That the professional attendees of the career fair would think Mary was boring was an inevitability. Mary _was_ boring, in a very targeted way. She _did_ live in the library. She also happened to be one of the most qualified, interesting people that Lily had ever met. Everyone was sure to see that.

“I’m sorry. You’re right,” Mary sighed, carefully tugging the black shoes Lily had suggested onto her feet. “I just want to make a good impression.”

“None of this even matters,” Alice groused. She picked at her teeth with a toothpick.

“Easy for you to say when you have no goals,” Mary said pointedly.

“That’s not fair,” Lily said. “I have no goals, but I’m taking this very seriously.”

“But you do have goals, Lily,” Mary pointed out. “You don’t know exactly what career you want to pursue, but you know you want to be successful and make good money and be an employee. Those are all goals, just not very defined ones.”

“While you want to take over the world,” Marlene said brightly. The two girls shared a smile. Standing up from her bed, Marlene moved to fix up Mary’s bun which had lost its hold on a few tawny strands of hair. Under Marlene’s attention, Mary sat still with her eyes closed.

The career fair was set to begin at ten. All of the sixth and seventh year students’ classes had been cancelled in preparation for the event. Professor Ames was set to host a session on how to best present themselves at nine, however, and Lily thought it was in her best interests to attend. Never having attended a career fair of any sort, Lily didn’t know what to expect and figured she’d be better prepared with a little coaching. Going in blind, she wouldn’t even know which careers were represented. What if she mulled around the tables, indecisive until the whole thing was over? Better to know in advance.

Since the session was being hosted by Ames, however, Mary was refusing to attend. Marlene was doing the same in a show of support. Even though she took the event seriously, Mary wasn’t about to stomach their DADA professor for a minute more than necessary. Basically, Mary thought Ames was a self-righteous busy-body. The woman hadn’t ever been rude to Mary exactly, but she’d been far too persistent in pursuing Mary’s personal life. Ever since Mary’s revelation in class, Ames had become smug, insufferably triumphant. She seemed to think she’d done Mary an enormous favor.

Instead of attending, Mary and Marlene were going to prep their table for the big pen sale. Only after a lot of cajoling had all the girls agreed to help out with that little endeavor. Essentially, Mary thought there would be no better opportunity to access the school population than during a career fair as taking notes with a quill while standing was a nightmare of futility. A pen would sure come in handy. During this explanation, Mary talked a lot about elasticity of demand and how her prices weren’t fixed low in the minds of the student population because pens had never been introduced to Hogwarts before. Further, their business savvy was sure to impress the entrepreneurs at the fair.

With only half her attention, Lily listened to their marching orders. They’d all take shifts. That way someone was always manning the table while all of them had the chance to mill around and learn about career opportunities in the wizarding world. Completely uninterested in her future, Alice had volunteered to take the brunt of the work. It sounded interesting enough and Lily was excited to show off to the fair attendees, but it was still a day spent selling utensils. Her enthusiasm was appropriately limited.

Alone, Lily trudged off to the DADA classrooms to attend Ames’ lesson. There weren’t that many students in attendance. In fact, Lily was the only seventh year Gryffindor (other than Shelia who Lily was pointedly ignoring) who bothered to come. Put the word ‘optional’ on any school sanctioned event and you could bet that the majority of students would read that as an opportunity for a little extra sleep.

Bizarrely, Professor Dumbledore was there, not standing towards the front with Professor Ames but sitting at one of the student desks in the middle. When Lily asked him what he was doing in the politest terms she could muster, he told her that it was never too late to consider a career change and he was there to pick up some tips. She hadn’t an inkling as to whether or not he was joking.

Lily was ultimately rather glad she attended because Ames handed out a sheet of parchment with the list of all the careers that were to be represented. It was like being handed a map, a plan. While Ames lectured them on the importance of active listening and asking questions about what skills they should be cultivating before joining the workforce, Lily traced her route through the list of options. A chat with the representative from the Potioneers’ Guild would be a nice start. Considering her work on modifying the Varamini potion, she figured she could dazzle the man pretty effectively. Then, maybe a few questions to the Gringott’s employee about what kind of careers lay in financial services. Lily couldn’t see herself as a banker, but she knew Gringotts was an enormous employer that was looking for a lot more than a proficiency in maths. The Belgian Ambassador was attending. He could prove a good source of information on what kind of opportunities existed outside of Britain. Even the Head of the Public Relations team for the Holyhead Harpies would be worth talking to if only for a brief while. Lily had little interest in Quidditch, but she thought there might be a future for her in communicating with the public.

Pretty much the only employer she had no interest in visiting was the Ministry because fuck them. Lily didn’t even feel guilty for thinking it. They were to be out in force, however, as they were the largest employer in the British wizarding community. There would be representatives from all the Ministry departments, there to snatch up the impressionable youth of Hogwarts and transform them into callous bloodsuckers who could overlook discrimination and allow for a genocidal maniac to cultivate a following.

Frankly, Lily could hardly believe the path of her thoughts these days. She sounded like an anarchist.

Irksome creature that she was, Professor Ames held them for over the scheduled hour as she passed out advice like party favors, so by the time Lily and her other responsible peers arrived in the Great Hall for the fair, it was already well under, and the students who had chosen to blow off the lecture were graced with the advantage of getting to their desired booths first. The Great Hall had been transformed for the event, well, transformed in the lightest sense of the word. All four dining tables still stood erect in their normal positions, but the benches had been cleared and replaced by chairs for the guests. They’d all set up camp at the various tables, bewitching the air above them to spell out the organization they were there to represent in shimmering, bubble letters. Pamphlets were strewn in front of each representative, available to educate any passing students on the merits of a career in such and such field.

The Ministry appeared to have overtaken the entirety of the Gryffindor table, which seemed somehow symbolic. There would be no safe, comforting space here amidst all of this chaos. Glancing around, Lily felt terribly overwhelmed, the crumbled up parchment in her hand no longer seeming like a well-laid roadmap so much as a few juvenile jottings.

Because she didn’t belong here. The feeling came with perfect clarity and was immediately followed by clammy hands and a catch in her throat that was making it difficult to suck in more than the shallowest gasps of oxygen. Most of these students there had an idea of what they wanted to pursue, or if not, an idea of what options were available to them. Lily was going to what? Go up to each table and ask the most asinine questions imaginable because she didn’t actually have any idea what say, a cursebreaker did beyond the understanding basic English granted her? No one seemed to work in the wizarding world, not in the ways that Lily understood and had been raised on, and she hadn’t bothered to truly learn. All this time she should have been reading up on the wizarding economy and instead she’d been painting her nails and organizing student groups. Wasteful every moment of it.

Unable to approach the Potioneers’ Guild table like she’d initially planned, Lily instead cast about for Alice and the pen enterprise. She found them sure enough at the very end of the Gryffindor table, smack dab next to what looked like the spot set up for auror recruitment. Grimacing a bit, Lily sidled over to join Alice.

The table had been set up with a consideration for detail that made clear Mary had been involved. Alice would have just dumped the pens on the table and called it a day. As it was, the boxes of pens had been stacked on either side of Alice in two neat pyramids, rising as high as the sloppy bun atop Alice’s head. Splayed out like a dealer’s cards mid-cut were a variety of pens, darkening in color like a gradient palette as the eye moved left. A sign hung off the table, the curl of Marlene’s penmanship distinctive and reading: _Sick of Quill Stains, Buy a Pen_.

“Want to be my first customer?” Alice said in greeting.

“Sure, how much?” Lily asked.

“Five sickles.”

“For how many pens? A box?”

“No, for one.”

“You’re kidding!” Lily did the conversion quickly in her head and found that five sickles would equate to nearly two pounds. For a single pen. “Alice, that’s so overpriced. Did you come up with that?”

“Nah. I guess James offered to pay like a galleon or something, so Mary thought she was setting a bargain price.”

“But she knows how much pens cost to have bought them all in the first place.”

In a clear impression of Mary, Alice sat up straighter in her chair and said, “It’s all about supply and demand, Lily. If people are willing to pay three sickles for a pen, then the pens are worth three sickles.”

Lily had to laugh. As much as Alice had pretended to tune out Mary when she was babbling on about the pens, it was clear she had listened. Her impression was spot on. The only issue with Mary’s’ logic, unfortunately, was that it assumed Mary was the only supplier in school. Maybe a pureblood, too self-absorbed to consider walking to a muggle corner store would consider that a fair price, but Lily could always just write her mum. She’d have several pens, free of charge, within days.

“So shouldn’t you be making the rounds?” Alice asked.

Lily shrugged cagily. “I don’t know. I’ve been thinking that maybe you’re right about this whole future business not mattering. War on and all. I think I’ll just sit it out with you.”

The chair beside Alice was unoccupied, so Lily moved to take a seat there. Just as she drew near, Alice pulled the chair back out of reach. Lily made a move to sit again and Alice repeated the move. Trying to be sneaky, Lily darted forward to grab the chair rather than just sit in it, but Alice merely batted her hands away and distanced the chair even further.

“What are you doing?” Lily huffed in frustration at Alice’s little game. “You’re not really going to make me stand the whole time are you?”

“No, because you’re not staying. Go find a career that interests you and stop wasting this opportunity. Go ahead. Shoo!” Alice ordered.

Lily gaped at the unexpected turn of events. A wasted opportunity in Alice’s mind was normally limited to when someone fell asleep in public and she could draw crude doodles on their faces. It wasn’t anything related to responsibility. Especially when considering the hopeless, the world-is-pointless kick that Alice had been on lately.

“I don’t see you taking advantage of this _opportunity_ ,” Lily cried.

“Yeah, but I’m me. You’re you. You don’t actually think this is a waste of time, so stop treating it like one,” Alice said simply. “’Sides, I can always move back in with my parents after this. What are you going to do? Live in the same house as Petunia forever?”

Please, it was a matter of months before Petunia got engaged. She’d be out of the house soon enough. Still, the rest of Alice’s point was fair. Lily had been enthused about the idea of the fair until she let her nerves get the better of her. The regret she’d feel if she didn’t participate now wouldn’t be easily remedied. There wouldn’t be another fair in the spring or anything like that.

Taking a deep, fortifying breath, Lily asked, “How do I look?”

Alice actually took the time to assess her rather than dismissing her with a comment about how it didn’t pay to be shallow. After she’d swept over Lily from head to toe, Alice smiled and said, “Like a hundred galleons. Go get ‘em!”

Feeling eternally grateful, Lily left Alice to find her first target, the Potioneers’ Guild, just like she’d initially planned.

She needn’t have been so worried. In what should have been a predictable turn of events, Slughorn, not one to miss out on the opportunity to network, was talking animatedly with the representative from the Guild. The man who Slughorn was speaking with only offered the professor his partial attention, eyes scanning the hall almost like he was looking for better prospects, but he still nodded politely at all the right points. Her first impression of the Potions Master – desperate to escape Slughorn’s fawning like so many students had before him – made it impossible for her to feel nervous. (Well, too nervous.)

“Good morning. Sorry to interrupt, Professor,” Lily said.

Slughorn gave an affected start, a move of surprise that jostled the considerable bulk of his body while also proving he was still perfectly agile, and then clapped her on the shoulder. Despite the competition from an actual Potions Master, he still was enthusiastic to see Lily.

“Gregory, this is Miss Lily Evans. By far one of the brightest students I have ever had the honor to teach. A natural at Potions, and cheeky like you wouldn’t believe. Honestly, you would think I was lying if I told you some of the questions she’s put to me over the years. So insightful and inquisitive. A truly scientific mind,” Slughorn boasted loudly.

Blushing, Lily forced herself not to look away, to accept his praise as her due. She couldn’t have asked for a better recommendation, and it gave her a thrill to hear such kind words from her favorite professor. Gregory listened politely, probably convinced that Slughorn would say much the same about any one of his students. The man did have a penitent for the hyperbolic.

“She’s been working on modifications to the Varamini potion. Lily discovered it in some of her side reading and generated a number of uses for a tinkered potion. Very clever, interesting work. I’m going to recommend she submit it to the _Quarterly Potions Review_ if she makes any progress before the end of term,” Slughorn continued.

News to Lily, she turned to stare at her professor wide-eyed. Her progress on the potion had ben halting though at times promising. Still, QPR was reserved for the most brilliant potioneering breakthroughs, the journal that published the work of legitimate Potions Masters’ research. To be recommended for it would be a coup, an honor that she didn’t even start to deserve.

“Is that so?” Gregory Pike – Lily read his surname off the placard that was placed in front of his booth – asked.

She probably could have relied upon Slughorn to talk up her research without ever opening her mouth, but Lily felt a surge of confidence. She should be her own best advocate, and considering Slughorn did such an excellent job of it, that meant Lily had to go above and beyond. So, in her clearest voice and maintaining direct eye contact just like Ames had instructed, Lily told Pike all about her speculative work on the potion and the experimentation she’d conducted thus far.

And it was fine. Pike was interested, not in the somewhat patronizing way most adults listened to children, but as a professional. He asked questions about her methodology, the ways she recorded her finding, her access to resources. Not once did he correct her or try to set her onto a better path. He wasn’t a professor who was there to improve her work. Rather, he assessed the potential worth of her work as she presented it, and judging from his considerate head bobbing, Lily didn’t think he found her work lacking.

Exhilarating. That was the only way to describe it. To be validated by a professional in the field, considering she still didn’t even boast a completed Potions NEWT, was exhilarating.

“So Miss Evans, do you have any questions for me? How can I help you?” Pike asked because that was the other, shiny side of the coin, an infinitely comforting reality. This wasn’t actually an interview! None of the participants were there to judge her. They were there to provide information, to help her understand her options a little bit better. Determining whether or not she was a fraud wasn’t their job.

“I suppose I’d want to know what kind of options exists for someone who wanted to pursue Potions professionally. In terms of further education, I mean. I’m…my parents are muggles so I’d grown up picturing myself going on to further education, and I don’t know what really exists for someone interested in Potions. Beyond an apprenticeship at least,” Lily said and Slughorn nodded approvingly, not like her question displayed unforgivable ignorance at all.

“Sure, so the apprenticeship is the most common path. If you can find a licensed Potions Master to employee you, you can shadow them for the requisite two years and then afterwards apply for your license. If you pass the exam, you’re a Potions Master. The advantage of this path, and why it’s so popular, is that there’s no practical. You don’t have to invent a potion to become licensed. Merely receive a recommendation from the Master you work under, and it’s set. The board assumes you’ll have gained the necessary levels of mastery during those two years,” Pike explained. “If you want to take that route, I have some literature here on how to apply to be matched with a Master that you can take with you.”

Lily gratefully accepted the pamphlet that he passed her. “And the other path?”

Pike nodded. “The Ministry offers a course in the fall that runs for four months. You attend the course to polish your skills and additionally choose a project. After the course ends, you spend the next eight months working on the potion of your choice. The final project is presented to the review board. If it shows the necessary invention and mastery, you’re certified. The advantage there is that it only takes a year. The disadvantage is that you have to either majorly modify an existing potion or create one from scratch. The board has high-standards as to what constitutes Master-level work, so only the most advanced students can succeed through this course.”

Biting her cheek, Lily interpreted that as a pretty clear warning that she should stick to the apprenticeship. That was until Slughorn slapped her on the back and announced in his booming voice that Lily was exactly that kind of advanced student. Rather than look skeptical, Pike smiled like he was glad to hear it. Like he believed Lily could create a potion that would impress a panel of Masters. All of the hard won control that Lily prided herself on disappeared, and an enormous smile spread across her face.

Pike continued to answer her questions about Potions careers for another fifteen minutes. Sometimes splitting his attention between her and other approaching students, but mostly directing his focus on her. He told her about the career choices that a Potion Master could pursue – entrepreneur, employee for the big innovation companies, work for the Ministry or in academia – and he recommended several journals that she should subscribe to immediately as it was never too early to start to learn about her colleagues’ work. Slughorn elbowed her in the side at that and whispered, “Colleagues or your enemies, my dear. Ho ho ho.”

A shadow slid behind her, the inkling that something threatening was looming in her personal space. It was startling enough that Lily spun around gracelessly even though Pike was watching. She needn’t have been so afraid as it was only Severus, lurking silently at her side. While her instincts had panicked, he wasn’t all that close either. Close enough as to raise eyebrows but not so much as to warrant concern.

To say that they still had issues was an understatement. Lily had been furious with Severus’s behavior in the Hospital Wing and then incandescent when she found out that he’d damned Susan Kerns to suffer Nott’s presence just to save Lily. But…but she’d been the one who begged him to take action and save her. Holding him accountable just because he’d done it in a way that she disapproved of wasn’t fair. And while he’d intimidated her in the Hospital Wing, he had also shown that he cared in the first time in so long. That care was so intoxicating that it almost made the spike of fear she’d felt worth it.

Besides, with the light streaming in through the windows and the bustle of the Hogwarts’ student population in her ears, it was hard to remember just why she’d found Sev intimidating in the first place. Because he wasn’t. He was her oldest friend, a boy whose crippling insecurity was only matched by his ridiculous superiority complex. Severus was flawed but hardly dangerous. Certainly not to her.

When Severus began to question Pike about the potions they should try brewing for practice in preparation for their sending up, Lily relaxed completely. She could hardly be uncomfortable around him when they were in Potions mode. The familiarity of it all almost made her heart ache.

“Mr. Snape is my only student who could give Miss Evans a run for her money. Exceptional, exceptional students. And they’re both friends, too,” Slughorn said beaming.

At Pike’s expectant gaze, Severus supplied, “Best friends actually.”

Under Severus’s hooded gaze, the one that gave nothing away, Lily hesitated. But then she saw the break, the quirk in his mouth that hinted at vulnerability. The much needed reminder that Sev was not some imposing dark lord, no matter how much he might have desired to be one. He was just Sev. A boy who loved her and didn’t know how to act because he felt torn in a million directions.

“We’ve been friends since we were children,” Lily said gently, her smile reserved for Sev.

Tentatively, Severus smiled back, and Lily felt like a heavy cloak was lifted from her shoulders. All of her anxieties were muted under the undeniable rightness of the statement. They were best friends and had been since they were children. All of the denying and mistrust wasn’t them. She must have become paranoid of late what with all the stresses in her life. There was nothing to justify the panic she’d been feeling whenever the subject or person of Severus Snape drew near.

By the time Lily was finished asking questions of Pike, a queue had formed up behind her of students who wanted more facetime with the guild representative. Armed with Pike’s address and an offer to write him if she had any more questions, Lily left the table. Their conversation had lasted the better part of an hour.

There was a stand set up at the end of the room with goblets of water for people as they grew thirsty. Severus, who had left Pike to accompany Lily, offered to get her a glass, elbowing his way through the thick throng of students who surrounded the table. Once he reached her, they took a place against the wall so that they could sip their drinks in peace and watch the fair for a bit. While Lily wanted to explore some more, she figured she could afford a few minutes to catch up with a friend and moisten her talk-worn throat.

“So, the class or the apprenticeship?” Lily asked. Unlike her, Sev had never been one to suffer much in the way of doubts, so she figured he wouldn’t be making any decision based on the worry that he might not be good enough.

“You’re so sure I’ll go for Potions,” Severus said.

“Well, what else could you possibly do?”

“Maybe I have aspirations you don’t know about,” Severus said. That trickle of unease returned, but then Severus continued, “Maybe my dream is to become a farmer.”

“A farmer?” Lily said, lips twitching. Just barely, she managed to control the smile that wanted to stretch her cheeks wide, instead taking on a look of complete sobriety. “And what, pray tell, would you farm?”

“That’s the real question. My first instinct is beets, but then there’s something to the idea of opening up an alpaca farm right in Spinners’ End,” Sev said.

Lily snorted into her goblet, almost choking as she tried to drink some water while the giggles were still bubbling in her chest. The image of Severus petting an alpaca under the beating sun was going to stick with her forever. Sidelong, Sev studied her reaction, allowing himself the merest chuckle as well. This wasn’t his sense of humor, not really, and Lily knew that. He’d gone for the ridiculous because he was sure it would make her laugh. It meant a lot that he bothered.

“Really though, the apprenticeship,” Severus answered. “You’ll learn a lot more, a broader set of skills, if you apprentice with a good Master. The Ministry course will just be like another class here with Slughorn.”

“We’ve learned a lot from Slughorn,” Lily pointed out.

Severus shrugged. “Not enough. I’m already more advanced than him. To improve, I’ll need to apprentice with someone who actually has something to teach me.”

Lily bit her lip at his arrogance. Fond of Slughorn as she was, she wanted to defend their jovial professor, but there was probably some truth to his words. Despite Slughorn’s compliments, Lily didn’t actually keep up with Severus. Lily was clever where he was genius.

“I don’t know…I like the idea of working on my own potion. With an apprenticeship, you’ll just be doing someone else’s work for a few years,” Lily said.

“You like working on your werewolf potion,” Severus said.

While it wasn’t a question, Lily felt like she needed to explain some more. “I like the creativity of it. It’s not just like in class where we’re improving something that already existed. This is me staring at a blank page and creating something where there was nothing before. The challenge of it…it’s kind of like when I come up with a really good prank!”

“Been pulling a lot of those lately?” Severus scoffed.

With a jolt, Lily remembered that Sev didn’t know a thing about her bet. She hadn’t shared what with it being a wager that intimately linked her with James. On top of that, she had thought he might find it immature. Frowning, Lily wondered whether that mightn’t have been a miscalculation. She kept complaining about Sev’s distant behavior and promising Mary that she would save Severus from himself, and yet she had been acting as the main enforcer of the distance that had grown between them. She chose not to spend time with him or tell him the details of her life, and then was surprised when he acted the way he did. If her goal was to get him to disavow his slimy, death eater friends, she wasn’t being very smart about it.

Filled with determination, Lily turned to Sev and told him all about the bet between her and James. While she tried to be honest, she may have downplayed how much it had forced her to interact with James, and she didn’t so much as hint that they had starting seeing each other. Instead, she told Sev all about the pranks themselves – the food fight and McGonagall’s mysteriously color-changing wardrobe that had been the topic of much school gossip that week. By the time she was finished, she was slightly breathless and more than a little nervous. Sometimes Sev was nearly impossible to read regardless of how well they knew each other. Right then, he was deep in thought. She could recognize that much. The direction of his thoughts, however, were a mystery to her.

“Kind of wild, huh?” Lily fished. She’d rather Sev blow up on her now so that they could get the drama out of the way than walk on eggshells for weeks only to have it become an issue anyway.

Finally, Sev said, “I want to be a part of one.”

“A part of what?”

“A prank.”

Lily’s eyebrows all but disappeared into her hairline, which was a feat considering she didn’t have a fringe. Sev did not pull pranks. Granted, Lily had never pulled pranks before this month either, but his disposition really didn’t seem suited for it.

“You want to help me pull a prank?” Lily repeated, thinking he might clarify things.

“Well, we can hardly let Potter win,” Severus said fiercely.

For a second, Lily debated whether she should be bothered that Sev was so motivated by his desire to see James lose for once. She realized it would be hypocritical to care. After all, this whole thing had started because she’d wanted to crush James underfoot. In the context of the bet, James was still the enemy, and she could hardly turn down some assistance in destroying him.

“What did you have in mind?” Lily asked, grinning impishly.

Sev smiled back at her. “Let me brainstorm for a bit.”

“Nothing too mean, okay. I don’t want to hurt anyone,” Lily added quickly.

“Don’t worry. I won’t traumatize anyone,” Sev said, rolling his eyes. That Sev’s idea of cruel still differed dramatically from hers ought to have bothered her, but she figured nothing too terrible could go wrong.

A sense of contentment spread throughout her, head to toe. She was trying. Sev was trying. They were a pair bursting with effort, and for the first time, she started to see a future in which all of their hard work had paid off. Lily wanted to lay her head on his shoulder and bask in the moment, but she resisted the impulse. It was her own damned fault, her weakness over the summer, that had ruined any chance for them to ever be physically friendly again. Their friendship would be intimate in the emotional sense with a big, gaping space between them on the physical end of things. Not the end of the world.

Lily continued to explore the career fair after she’d finished up her chat with Sev. Over the course of a little more than an hour, she managed to stop by all of the booths that she’d planned during Ames’ lecture. No one made her feel like a fool, and she learned a lot about some of the careers older wizards and witches pursued after Hogwarts. None of the career paths captured her imagination quite like the idea of achieving a Potions’ mastery did, but she still enjoyed her conversations with everyone. One especially lovely witch even encouraged Lily to owl her after the year was up as she’d be able to find her some work in PR. “With a face like that, you could sway the masses,” the woman had cooed as she passed Lily her address. Personally, Lily wanted to succeed on the merits of her brain more than the fact that she had large breasts and pretty eyes, but it was flattering all the same.

Her final destination, with only ten minutes left in the career fair, was the pen-sale. Mary had taken Alice’s place at the table and the stock of pens that had been laid out had diminished significantly. There was a line of students, waiting for the opportunity to pay for a few overpriced pens. Somehow, against the considerable odds, Mary had pulled this thing off.

Lily side-stepped the queue to approach Mary, ignoring the annoyed shouts of students who thought she was skipping to the front of the line. Casually, she hopped up on the edge of the table to talk with Mary, her feet dangling a few bare centimeters off the ground.

“You missed your shift. You were supposed to take over at the change of the hour,” Mary informed her as she made change for a customer.

“Sorry about that,” Lily said without much repentance. “Would it make you feel better to know I’m really excited about my future now?”

“I don’t care so much about that,” Mary said, but she didn’t sound particularly bothered. “I just won’t pay you now.”

“You never told me we were getting paid!”

“ _You_ aren’t. Alice is getting a commission though.” Mary nodded in the direction of Alice. Lily could now see that Alice was circling the hall with a fist full of pens, encouraging students to buy one off of her. A travelling saleswoman.

“What’s the commission?” Lily asked.

Mary didn’t answer at first, too busy helping her next customer pick out a bevy of pens, but then she said, “Five percent.”

“This is highway robbery. You forget I know how much you paid for these,” Lily laughed.

“And _that_ is why I’m bound for success,” Mary said. Her smile was sharkish.

“What if I take some pens and I sell for the next ten minutes? Can I still get paid?” Lily asked. The mental tally she was running in her head had just alerted her to how terribly depleted her bank account would be until it was refilled with gifts from relatives over Christmas. The benefit of Hogwarts was that she didn’t need to spend any money to survive, but going months without so much as visiting a shop seemed a terrible way to live. And she’d have to take a date every trip to Hogsmeade or not be able to afford anything. No, a little pocket change would be good.

Suspicious, Mary made Lily vow that she wouldn’t just try to sell to people at the back of the line who were already committed to buying the stock. Lily was almost disappointed that she hadn’t come up with that devious strategy on her own. The plan she’d already formulated, however, was just as brilliant, so she took a handful of pens and flitted off to find her target.

In what hardly constituted a surprise, James was talking with the representative from Britain’s Quidditch League. Lurking off to the side and not taking advantage of the opportunity themselves stood Remus and Sirius. Respectful of the fact that James was in the middle of a conversation, Lily decided to target the others first.

“Want to buy a pen?” she asked. The simplest sales pitch in history.

“Looks like Evans doesn’t even need to be here. She’s already found her calling,” Sirius said, but he began to fish inside the pockets of his robes for some money. “How much?”

“Five sickles per.”

“Sure, we’ll both take one, Lily,” Remus said supportively.

“Just one?” Lily wheedled.

“Do we need more than one?” Remus asked.

“Well, I’m just thinking that this is important to Mary. Mary who is important to Marlene. So if a person were, to say, care about making Marlene happy, they might want to make a greater display of support,” Lily said sweetly.

Sirius grimaced and began to rifle through his other pocket. He was too easy, which was promising for when she got to James as he was an even greater push over. Looking mightily unhappy, Sirius bought an additional two pens.

At the last second, Lily held back from accepting Sirius’s sickles. “If you help me with something, I’ll give you a discount. Twelve sickles for the three pens instead of fifteen.”

Suspicious, Sirius said, “Well, I’m listening.”

“Get James’ attention so that I can sell to him, too,” Lily offered.

Sirius weighed his options for a second before apparently deciding that interrupting James was worth less than a few sickles. “Pleasure doing business with you,” Sirius said, repocketing his discount.

Then, he walked over to James and the Quidditch manager. Lily couldn’t hear what he was saying – which was strange in and of itself because Sirius was prone to speaking really, really loudly whenever he cared about something – but he quickly managed to shuffle the pair about so that he was standing in front of the Quidditch manager and James was cut off completely. Bemused, James turned around to share a look with Remus. Noticing Lily, he smiled and decided to walk over of his own accord. Sickles well spent.

“Have you dazzled every adult here yet?” James asked, beaming at her.

“Just about. Didn’t bother with any of the Ministry goons, but yes, I’d say everyone else believes I’m a charming, young lady,” Lily replied serenely.

“Little do they know the truth,” James said.

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean,” Lily sniffed.

Around this point, Remus began to back away like they were contagious. This banter, she supposed, might qualify as the type of blatant flirting that made some people want to retch. Stopping, however, was impossible. She was having too much fun, and James was too good with his rejoinders. Flirting with James every chance she got remained irresistible.

“Want to make me super happy?” Lily asked, giving James her most picture-perfect smile.

“Yes.” His simple answer and the sincerity with which he delivered it, sent shivers up Lily’s spine. Sometimes his devotion was every bit as erotic as his wicked tongue.

“You should buy some pens off me,” Lily said.

“Oh, sure,” James said immediately. “Marlene showed me one yesterday, and I thought it was brill. They don’t leak ink everywhere! Can you even believe it? I’ll buy a dozen.”

“Only a dozen?” Lily pouted purposefully, lower lip puffy and moist.

“How many do you have left?” James asked, nodding to the pens remaining in her hand.

“Sixteen,” Lily answered immediately. “But Mary has more if you’d like.”

“I think sixteen will do it,” James laughed.

“But I’m paid on commission. The more you buy, the more I earn,” Lily wheedled.

“Fine, twenty-five – ” Lily continued to gaze at him imploringly. “ – Umm…thirty?” Lily drew a little bit closer. “Merlin, Lily, I’m not buying more than thirty pens off you. That’s one hundred fifty sickles!”

“But I’d appreciate it so much,” Lily said. Then, she leaned close to his ear to whisper to him _just_ how much she might appreciate it. By the time she’d pulled back, James’ had turned bright red and his fingers were clenched into a tight fist, entire body rigid at the suggestion.

“I think the Ministry Department on Business Practices would have something to say about your sales tactics, Evans,” James said hoarsely.

“Maybe, but this offer’s only for you,” Lily said lightly, trailing her finger down his chest.

Truthfully, Lily was not going to do what she’d suggested in her breathy whisper if James bought more pens. She was going to do it regardless. What James was buying was the erotic experience of Lily whispering something like that into his ear in a room full of people. He was purchasing the fantasy that he held the power in his hands. Of course he was going to take it.

“Blimey, fine. Fifty pens,” James grumbled.

Delighted, Lily kissed him on the cheek and urged him to come by Mary’s setup later with the money. He could pick out any color he wanted and everything! James acted like he was annoyed at the money he was spending, but Lily caught the humor in his eyes, and she knew he’d enjoyed their little play very much.

When Lily returned to the table, Marlene and Alice were back – Alice engaged in a conversation with one of the Ministry officials that sat nearby and Marlene gesticulating wildly to Mary. As Lily neared, she could hear that Marlene was uncontainably excited about something that had happened. Marlene kept rocking her weight up on the balls of her feet like she might start bouncing up and down at any moment.

“I’m a pen-selling god,” Lily announced as she approached the table. At Mary’s imperiously arched eyebrow, Lily told her how many pens she’d succeeded in selling, though she left out that it was to James. That fact kind of diluted the impressiveness of the act.

“Oh, yeah? Well, I’m going to be the next journalistic sensation!” Marlene retorted happily.

“Marlene’s found her calling,” Mary said glibly.

“I met with a reporter from the _Daily Prophet_ , and she told me I should write her for an internship position this summer!” Marlene enthused. “All this time, I’ve been writing for the paper, and it never occurred to me that it could be a real job, you know? It felt like a school hobby, like you being Head Girl. But this is totally real!”

Marlene as a reporter. Lily could see it though she would have pegged Marlene as a better fit for _Witch’s Weekly_ than the _Daily Prophet_ , considering her penchant for including detailed descriptions of what her subject was wearing whenever she wrote a character-piece. More and more, Lily was losing respect for the _Daily Prophet_ as a paper because it prioritized public calm over public service, softening the details of Voldemort’s campaign so that people wouldn’t panic. Still, you couldn’t ask for a better starting position if journalism was your aspiration. It was the most well-read paper in wizarding Britain and had won several prestigious awards on the international scene. An internship there would be a coup.

Sighing dreamily, Marlene said, “You know I haven’t felt like myself lately. There’s just been so much going on here and in the world…but I think I can finally see my place in it. I like to talk about people. I like to know the truth. All of these things that people say makes me gossipy, but at the Prophet, I could turn that into a service!”

“You’re going to be a fantastic reporter,” Mary said.

“Truthfully,” Marlene said and she lowered her voice like someone might overhear. “I’d started to wonder whether I should even stay in the wizarding world. It’s not like I need a job after this; my family has enough money. And I’d started to think maybe I should just go home for a while.”

Mary looked particularly neutral at this little tidbit. Lily doubted that this was the first time Mary was hearing about Marlene’s doubts. Curled up in bed with the curtains drawn, those two shared just about everything with each other. While it wasn’t news to Mary, Lily imagined that Mary was still terrified that Marlene might actually someday exit the wizarding world, leave her behind entirely.

A few months ago, Lily would have felt jealousy at Marlene’s options. Returning to the muggle world wasn’t possible for her unless she was willing to suffer a life of poverty or worse, married as quickly as possible to put a roof over her head. Born into wealth, Marlene could leave whenever she decided it was time. For Lily, sometimes the wizarding world – with everything it had taken from her and filled to the brim with people who despised her on principle – didn’t seem worth it. She wanted to go home to a sister that loved her and a future that was set.

But that was a few months ago. Now, Lily understood exactly what Marlene meant because she could see her place in the world more and more clearly as well. Maybe it was a space that Lily had needed to carve for herself, but through sheer force of will, she’d succeeded and it was there waiting for her.

“You could never just leave,” Lily said. “What would Mary do?”

“Go with me,” Marlene said simply.

“Without question,” Mary agreed.

This exchange, even between more or less platonic friends, struck Lily as just about the most romantic thing she’d ever heard. Lily had never heard of a witch or wizard willing to leave magic behind for someone they loved. The opposite was always demanded. The impulsive part of her that she tried to never entertain wondered what James would say if Lily announced she was leaving the wizarding world forever.

“I showed the Prophet reporter some of my work,” Marlene continued, gaze a thousand leagues away, “And she said it was really good. The piece on Sirius especially. She wasn’t just humoring me. This professional genuinely thought I could be something.

Marlene’s newfound confidence was somewhat baffling. She’d never wanted for someone to compliment her. Always at her side was Mary who was effusive, in her own quiet way, of Marlene’s accomplishments, and Lily was never afraid to give Marlene a little pep talk when she was looking diminished. But maybe all this time she’d just needed an adult to step in and recognize her, someone unbiased by the rose-colored goggles of friendship.

Lost in her fantasies of what tomorrow could bring, Marlene fell silent. Tomorrow was coming, but her eyes didn’t hold so much as a hint of fear. She was hopeful. For the first time, Lily felt the same way.


	44. Oct. 27: Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something to clear up from the last chapter. I know a lot of people are excited at the prospect of a Snape/Lily prank, but that’s not actually happening in this story. That scene was meant to show Lily’s last-ditch efforts to repair her relationship with Snape, but I’m afraid no follow through. Sorry to disappoint :(
> 
> Anyways, strong M on this chapter. Enjoy!

**October 27, 1977**

Marlene wasn’t the only Gryffindor who’d received a jolt of confidence and purpose from the career fair. Lily would find out a little over two hours later that Alice had been similarly affected. Potions had just ended, which meant Lily had a short break until she had to dart off to Ancient Runes. James, who was finished with his classes for the day, was eager to make sure they used her short period of time effectively, dragging her in search of a vacant broom cupboard. The lead up had gone something like this:

Class was just ending when James approached the work table Lily shared with Marlene. Lily was painfully aware of the way Severus tracked James’ progress and thought it was terribly lucky that Sev hadn’t mastered setting someone on fire with just his eyes.

“You have, what, half an hour before Runes right?” James asked, resting his hip against the side of the table so that he could tower over her.

“Just about, yeah.”

“There were some…promises that were made to me earlier today, and I think now would be a perfect time to collect,” James said, sleazy and charming at the same time.

“Is that so?” Lily asked.

“Last I checked, you weren’t one to break your promises,” James replied.

And that was how they came to be all but racing down the halls in pursuit of a private room. To anyone who bothered to look, it would be perfectly obvious where they were going. James was dragging Lily along by the hand, a few paces ahead of her since his long-legged steps were worth two of her own. She was giggling and trialing behind. Leave it to James to be picky about where they snogged. They passed several broom cupboards, all of which were dismissed by James as too small; his knowledge of the dimensions of the rooms of Hogwarts were akin to a cartographer’s.

“This one. This one’s good,” James said enthusiastically. They were deep in the dungeons of the Potions Wing now at the closet where Alice had hidden while on the outs with the girls. Lily didn’t particularly care for the idea of messing around in a spot that she associated with such a depressing time, but then James kissed along the column of her throat, and she forgot to care.

For all of two seconds.

Because when they opened the door to collapse inside, they found that Alice was sitting on the ground, looking every bit like she hadn’t moved since Lily’s confrontation with her a few weeks ago. The cats were back as well, winding their tails around the soft flesh of Alice’s arms.

“Oh hi,” Lily greeted breathlessly. James was already trying to tug her back out of the closet in pursuit of a new place to canoodle, but this closet held too terrible a memory for Lily to just abandon Alice in it. “What are you doing in here, lovely?”

“Just doing some reading,” Alice said, gesturing to several pamphlets she’d collected from the career fair.

“In here?” Lily pushed.

“I don’t know…I got kind of used to it I guess,” Alice said.

Very quickly, Lily assessed the situation and came to a decision. Removing her hand from James’ she nudged her way deeper into the closet so that she could sit down on the floor opposite Alice. If Alice was going to continue frequenting the depressing little closet, Lily was going to make damned sure that she had some more pleasant memories to keep her company. This wouldn’t be a closet that Alice associated with being alone. James made a strangled sound in the back of his throat, but Lily refused to look at his pleading face. Their snogging could wait. Resigned, James sank down onto an overturned bucket beside her.

“Are those from the career fair?” Lily asked.

It spoke to the wariness that had emerged in their relationship that Alice hesitated, that she needed a second to guess at Lily’s motivations. The candor they’d always shared was ruined, but this was how Lily could rebuild: by being there and asking questions until Alice felt comfortable enough to answer. Up until now, Lily hadn’t been working to bridge the distance that had grown between them, caught up in her lingering resentment, but the career fair had altered her as well. Hogwarts was ending soon. It would be over, and once it was, there would be no opportunity to return things to rights. If Lily wanted to revive their friendship, then now was the moment for action.

“Yeah, from the auror table,” Alice confessed.

Absently, Lily picked up one of the pamphlets. On the front was the Ministry logo, a blue star with embossed golden lettering. The first page consisted of a standard table of contents and on the opposite page was a moving drawing of a person signing up to become an auror, detailing them from the moment they enlisted for training to receiving their first post.

“Why’d you grab all of these? I thought any planning for the future was a waste of time,” Lily said.

“Well, yeah, in that there’s a war on but being an auror’s different. It’s signing up to be a soldier on the front lines,” Alice explained.

The idea of Alice on the frontlines of a violent war did not sit well with Lily. She’d be far more comfortable if all of her friends sat at least six rows back. Actually, better make it seven.

“Damn straight,” James agreed, causing Lily to whip her head towards him in alarm. “I’ve nothing but respect for people who actually do something.”

“But aurors are just Ministry goons,” Lily tried weakly.

James shook his head hard enough that his glasses vibrated against his temples. “I agree that the Ministry is rubbish, but the auror department is different. Thanks to Alastor Moody they’re still pretty independent. That man’s not about to let some Ministry stiff tell him how to run his department.”

“Moody and Crouch. Two of the hardest motherfuckers we’ve got,” Alice said.

Lily didn’t argue the point though a part of her remained dubious that any department under Ministry control could operate either ethically or efficiently. Instead she said, “What changed your mind?”

“There weren’t a lot of customers for the pens at first, and I was seated next to the auror table. I guess I got to talking to one of the aurors there just because I was bored. You should have heard her. All this talk about civic responsibility and how closing your eyes isn’t going to make the problem go away,” Alice paused. “Actually, she kind of reminded me of you, Lily.”

“The civic responsibility thing?” James laughed. “Yeah, remember third year? I swear every other sentence you brought up our civic responsibility. You were such a nightmare.”

“A nightmare that you fancied,” Lily sniffed.

“Most blokes go for the girl that’s like a dream, I go for the nightmare. What can I say? I’m a brave guy,” James said.

Lily did not like the direction things had turned for several reason. Not the least of which was that she was not a nightmare! Just the idea of Alice putting herself in danger had her stomach trembling, hidden from her friends by the baggy fabric of her robes. But Alice wasn’t wrong. Lily was often the first to advocate for more people to take action and join the fight. When Lily said these things though, she was usually picturing herself taking a stand alongside some anonymous students, ones who didn’t have a piece of her heart.

“Anyway, it sounds really difficult, but I think I’m going for it,” Alice finished.

“How difficult?” James asked.

“Well, I have all the OWLs I need, but that’s only enough to get you passed in the first round. There are a lot of candidates, so I’ll need to stand out further, which is where my NEWTs come in. Basically, I need a NEWT in DADA, Transfiguration, Charms, Potions, and a Care of Magical Creatures wouldn’t hurt. Gives me some specialization,” Alice said.

“But you aren’t taking NEWT Potions,” Lily pointed out.

“I spoke to the aurors about that, and they said that I can still take the test even if I didn’t attend the class. Kind of an opt-out. All I need to do is study like mad for the rest of the year, and I should be able to swing it. So I’m going to want to borrow all your notes. Just to prepare you,” Alice said.

Despite Lily’s misgivings, she felt a stirring of excitement. How long had it been since she’d seen Alice so passionate about something? Her friend had turned disinterest into an art, so seeing her unabashedly enthusiastic about anything was a welcome change. That her newfound passion would make her a more dedicated student only tripled Lily’s excitement. Now she wouldn’t need to stay up nights worrying about how Alice was throwing her future away. Even if she was rejected from the auror program, she’d have the background and NEWTs to find a stable job.

“I can’t imagine there will be that much competition with a war on. It’s a dangerous job,” James said.

Alice shook her head. “There will be all the more because of the war. People want to fight back. There may be plenty of cowards out there, but there’s no shortage of people that know we need to stand up.”

“Good on you, Williams,” James said approvingly. “I wish I could enlist. Fight the good fight like you.”

The idea of James fighting wasn’t quite appalling as the prospect of Alice doing the same, but it didn’t do much to settle Lily’s nerves.

“Why don’t you?” Alice said, unable to keep the challenge out of her voice.

“My parents would never let me,” James shrugged.

“I can’t believe you’d let your parents stop you from doing something you wanted,” Lily said. She clapped a hand to her mouth in horror. Why exactly was she trying to convince James to join up with the aurors? She should be telling him that his parents had the right idea of it. The surprise of James being an obedient son had overpowered her reasoning for a second there.

“My parents are well-connected at the Ministry. Even if I signed up, they’d ask the aurors to reject me and they’d do it,” James explained with the ambivalence of someone who had long since grown accustomed to their lot in life. “I’m their only son, you know?”

“Talk about overreaching,” Alice said derisively. “You should tell them where they can shove it.”

“No, it’s not like that,” Lily said before James could provide Alice with a detailed list of just why he would not be telling his parents anything of the sort. “When you’re a parent, you do everything in your power to keep your children out of danger. I’d be the same way. I’d die before I let my son get hurt.”

James looked at her with an embarrassing amount of intensity. Lily had to sit on her hands to stop herself from self-consciously adjusting her hair under his gaze. Maybe he was envisioning what she’d be like as a mum, playing in the garden or baking a cake. Maybe he was picturing her fat and disgusting in the later months of pregnancy. Maybe he was thinking about how a personality as selfish as hers had no business raising children. Either way, Lily didn’t get to find out just what James was thinking because his robes began to speak.

“Prongs! Oy, Prongs! You best not ignore me!” the robes barked in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Sirius’s.

“Don’t tell me you’ve smuggled Sirius in here beneath your robes. That’s too creepy, Potter,” Lily sighed.

“That’s not –”

“Prongs, you’d better be taking a shit to ignore me like this. A piss isn’t a good enough excuse!”

Groaning, James managed to unearth a hand mirror from the pockets of his robes. Lily filed this discovery away for later mockery – James was totally vain enough to carry a mirror around at all times.

Holding the mirror up to his face, James said, “I was in the middle of a conversation, you git.”

“You’d be surprised how little I care,” Sirius said in return.

Glancing up at them, James mouthed ‘two-way mirror’ in explanation of what was occurring. Lily had never heard of such a thing before, but she was passable at inferring given the context, so she took this to mean that James and Sirius owned mirrors that could communicate with one another. Handy enough, but Lily couldn’t help but think that they say all saw each other far too frequently to need another way to stay in constant communication. You’d think living together would be enough for these two.

“Get your arse down to the pitch,” Sirius ordered. “You and me, pickup game against Moony and McLaggen.”

“Does McLaggen even know how to get his broom off the ground?” James snorted.

“I don’t know, but he’s been saying some very incendiary things about your flying, and I think you need to come help me teach him a lesson,” Sirius said.

James appeared visibly torn at this development. He loved to win and he loved Quidditch, but he was probably still holding out hope that he and Lily might still find an empty cupboard in which to fool around.

“You should go,” Lily urged. “I want to keep talking with Alice.”

“Right on, Evans,” Sirius said approvingly.

“Are you sure?” James asked.

“You heard the woman. Get down here!” Sirius cried.

“I’m sure,” Lily agreed.

James didn’t appear particularly disappointed as he bounded to his feet and raced out of the room to join his friends. At his blatant excitement, Lily couldn’t help but smile. There was a part of him that would always be so childish, a lover of games and antics.

He left Alice and Lily alone. Slowly, this was becoming a normal state again, but they weren’t quite there yet. A slight awkwardness hung between them like a flimsy curtain. Lily wanted to reach out and part it.

“You don’t actually have to stay in here and talk to me just because you wanted an excuse to let James go,” Alice said.

“I want to stay,” Lily said earnestly. They lapsed into another moment of silence before Lily said, “You’ve gotten really good at your cat transfigurations. She gestured at the four casts that were cramped into the closet with them. One had deigned to allow Lily to pet it, climbing up onto her lap and purring loudly with each absent-minded stroke of its sleek fur. The others stayed close by Alice, loyal to their creator.

“What are you talking about?”

“The cats,” Lily said again. “They look perfect. I would never guess they weren’t real.”

Open-mouthed, Alice began to laugh. It was loud enough that one of the cats leapt away from her shaking body to take safety behind Lily. Unsure what was happening, Lily waited impatiently for Alice to regain enough breath that she could speak again.

“Merlin, Lily, you didn’t think I was sitting in her so lonely I was transfiguring cats for company, did you?” Alice laughed.

Umm...yes.

“Marlene heard –”

“Oh if Marlene heard it,” Alice snickered. “No! Lily, these are cats that live down in Hogsmeade. They’ve been sneaking in through one of the passageways. They’re perfectly real. Just how miserable did you think I was?”

“I don’t know…kind of a lot,” Lily admitted. While Alice was nothing but mirth, Lily felt a little choked up. Coming face to face with her guilt over ostracizing Alice, she wanted to burrow a hole in the closet and disappear. She didn’t feel like she so much as deserved to look at her old friend.

Accurately interpreting Lily’s shift in mood, Alice adopted a more serious expression. “It sucked, but I wasn’t in here magiking myself some furry friends. I’m not that pathetic.”

“I don’t think you’re pathetic,” Lily said sincerely. “I think that I did an awful thing to you, and I let the others make it even worse. No one would blame you for being lonely.”

Alice sighed heavily. “I was lonely, but that’s not the end of the world, Lily. I’m not like you. I’m not scared of being alone. Learning how to survive on your own is one of the most important lessons in the world.”

Alice had pegged her perfectly. Being alone was one of the fears that kept her up at night. Lily would often say, in the comfort of her own mind, that her biggest fear was to be judged and not measure up, for people to finally discover that she wasn’t good enough and no amount of effort would fix it. But that was just a component of her greater fear: of being alone. What truly kept her up at night was the worry that after she’d been measured and found lacking, everyone would leave her.

“Still, you shouldn’t have had to be alone. Not when you have friends,” Lily said. That Alice could survive alone filled Lily with pride, but the fact that Alice had been forced to discover as much, also brought Lily a heavy dose of shame.

“Did you just admit that you fucked up? And twice too? That sounds dangerously close to an apology,” Alice said, smiling.

“That’s because it was one,” Lily said, and she smiled back. “I’m really sorry for everything, Alice.”

Alice didn’t reach out to take Lily’s hand, but she suffered it when Lily initiated the contact, which was virtually the same thing when it came to Alice.

“It’s alright,” Alice said. “I’ve been a bitch, too.”

Blinded by pride, Lily had never realized that all her problems could be solved with three little words. In the wake of Lily’s apology, Alice was happy to issue her own. The tension of weeks was gone, slipping away like a receding tide and leaving nothing but the friendship that had always existed between them, made all the stronger by the wave they’d survived.

“I kind of like that you’re a bitch,” Lily confessed. “I just don’t like it when it’s aimed at me.”

“I could say the same about you,” Alice said.

Grinning, Lily kicked her leg out so that her shoe would collide with Alice’s ankle. Alice retaliated in turn. Trying to block the motion, Lily slammed the sole of her shoe – thankfully, she’d worn flats that day – into the sole of Alice’s. Held parallel, Alice couldn’t move her foot away. Alice tried to lash out with the other foot, but Lily blocked it in the same manner. Now, the two girls sat with their legs suspended in the air, neither able to gain an advantage as they each exerted equal force into their feet. It was kind of like bicycling, where Alice’s shoes were the pedals. Lily matched every attempt by Alice to break to the side, never letting her escape. Her chest was straining from laughter every bit as much as her calves did from trying to overpower Alice.

“Surrender!” Lily ordered.

“Surrender? Please, I’m hardly even trying,” Alice retorted though the vein that bulged in her neck told a different story.

While Lily would contest that Alice hadn’t been trying at all, she did appear to have some energy reserves to spare. Determined, Alice pushed more strength into her feet, using her hands on the floor for leverage. Bit by bit, Lily felt the pressure to bend back increase. The moment her knees unlocked it was all over. Quick as it started, Alice was able to force Lily’s legs backwards until Lily was half lying on her back, her legs pulled into her chest. The whole time, Lily screamed.

“Someone’s going to burst in here thinking there’s a murder happening,” Alice groused.

“There might as well have been. I’m dead!” Lily wailed.

Flushed with her victory, Alice had the good grace to help Lily sit up straight once again. Lily admired the courtesy. Given her own competitive nature, she might have forced Alice to stay down for a minute to really revel in the win. Classy wasn’t a word people would normally associate with Alice, but she really was a class act.

Lily would claim temporary insanity later. Say that in the thrill of the moment, with her love for Alice crescendoing to an all-time high in the wake of their reconciliation, she took leave of her senses. It was the only explanation for why Lily suddenly felt that sharing her situation with Nott was a good idea.

Friendships were built on secrets. Constructed on the conscious and unintentional sharing of details that were hidden from the rest of the world. In hushed whispers and behind bathroom stalls, girls had been spilling their souls to their closest friends since the creation of Hogwarts itself. The smell of peppermint would always remind Lily of these moments, where her friends would draw near enough that she could smell the scent of their breath, blowing hot against her cheek. The trade of secrets was a barter system, love me and in exchange I’ll tell you something salacious to tide the threat of boredom, to tie you forever to me.

Drunk on the prospect of strengthening their bond, Lily told Alice about Nott.

She didn’t slow as Alice’s tan skin lightened to an unappealing shade of puce. She didn’t balk when Alice’s grip on her hand grew punishing. Even the raging fire in her friend’s eyes, so much livelier than she’d been when talking about the auror program, didn’t convince Lily to stop her explanations.

It was like their reconciliation had put a crack in the dam that was Lily’s desire for privacy, making it impossible for her to hold back the torrential flood that came pouring out. She couldn’t be held accountable for the people that were crushed in its wake.

“I’m going to kill him,” Alice promised darkly after Lily had finished up her sordid tale. While Lily had covered how Severus had saved her from the worst of it (at least presumably), Alice didn’t seem comforted that the harassment was going to stop. Punishment wasn’t only executed for deterrence. Alice wanted justice as well.

“You promised to keep this a secret,” Lily reminded her. Now that her secret was out, Lily was reminded of just why she’d sought to keep it as one in the first place.

“Yeah and I’m not going to tell anyone. I’m just going to murder Nott with my bare hands,” Alice said.

Urgently, Lily grabbed Alice’s shoulder, holding her in place as if she might race out of the cupboard in pursuit of Nott at any moment. “Please, please, please. Don’t do anything! I told you because I wanted you to know not because…it would make me very upset if this got out.”

“It won’t get out when Nott can’t unhinge his jaw.”

“You’ll just make things worse for me. Nott will want vengeance, or Mulciber, or one of his cronies. Just please. Do this for me,” Lily begged.

Alice ground her teeth as she weighed Lily’s words.

“I wish you hadn’t told me,” Alice said finally.

Lily could understand that. While it felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, a burden had been added to Alice’s. Lily wondered whether she ought to feel guiltier for asking Alice to bear this with her, but also knew that she wouldn’t have been able to survive this alone. Not for long and especially not after the loss of Shelia. She needed Alice more than ever and hoped that the girl could find it in herself to forgive Lily for asking so much of her.

“I needed to tell you,” Lily said. “You’re my oldest friend.”

“You met me about the same time as Shelia, and what about Snape?” Alice pointed out.

“You’re my oldest good friend.”

That earned a smile from Alice who couldn’t hide her pleasure at being recognized. “I am a pretty decent friend, aren’t I?”

“The best,” Lily replied sincerely.

The beginning of Ancient Runes had long since passed and the remainder of the class would drift by with Lily still seated in a dingy cupboard. Classes were the key to unlocking good jobs after graduation but there was more to building a future than just earning a good wage. More important things. And one thing Lily knew for sure was that Alice Williams was going to play a wonderful role in hers.

Til death do us part.

 

When Lily entered the common room, she had every intention of just strolling through on her way to her dormitory. Spotting him, James, sitting in the squat, plushy chair closest to the fire, wasn’t intentional. She’d been scanning the room more out of habit than out of any desire to look for company, but it wasn’t like she’d been planning to do anything important upstairs, a little bit of reading, maybe a nap. Nothing that quite held the appeal of a little conversation with James. Besides, he was _revising_ over there. It was honestly in her best interests to go put a stop to that bet-winning behavior at once.

Creeping up behind him was easy enough, considering his chair was angled to face the fire and not the portrait hole and she’d always been light on her feet. Lily laid one of her hands over his eyes and pressed her face into the back of his hair, slightly damp from a recent shower.

“Guess who,” she ordered in the deepest voice she could manage.

James sighed, a note of sheer exasperation. “McLaggen, I’ve told you not to do this in public anymore. Breaking into Gryffindor Tower is really too much.”

Giggling, Lily pressed a kiss into the thick mass of his hair and then rounded the chair so that she could see him properly. Lightning fast, his hands shot out, grabbing her by the arms and toppling her over into his body. Landing abruptly and without grace onto another person wasn’t particularly comfortable. There were too many bony protuberates – elbows and knees and James’ chin which was way pointier than anyone’s had a right to be. Eventually, she managed to maneuver into a position that was survivable, bum pressed against the armrest and legs draped across James’ lap. Not exactly a position they could sell as purely friendly to anyone in the common room who took a look.

“Hi,” Lily said quietly. “How was your day?”

“Good. Better now,” James said, and coming from him it sounded sincere.

Lily smiled, lazy and happy, like a cat lounging beneath the rays of the sun (which maybe she was, a Gryffindor lioness, curled up by the fireplace). Tipping her chin back, James kissed her. Close-mouthed but sweet as can be.

The sight of the two Heads kissing in the middle of the common room elicited a single gasp of surprise from one of their peers but that was it. Apparently, they hadn’t been particularly subtle these last few weeks. The student body were wizards for god’s sake. They were used to witnessing the unexpected and while James and Lily starting to date was certainly a development many wouldn’t have predicted, they hadn’t struggled to read the signs – lingering glances, bickering that erred on the wrong side of flirtation, James’ newfound interest in his responsibilities. Yeah, not exactly something that could go unnoticed.

Lily really ought to have cared more about the fact that everyone in school was going to know that she was dating James by breakfast tomorrow. Her pride would smart as she suffered all the knowing glances from her peers, preening about how they’d always known Lily was just being stubborn and would give in one day. People would view it as a capitulation, which Lily loathed, not the least of which because it was nothing of the sort. Still, if giving up her secrets meant she could cuddle up with James after a busy day, well, her ego would recover eventually.

“Today was a bit of a ride, huh? I swear, every one of my friends discovered something new about themselves,” Lily laughed. “And to think I made fun of this job fair as something pointless.”

“Was alright,” James shrugged. “Moony doesn’t know what he wants to do after he leaves school, so it put him in a bit of a funk.”

“Really? I wouldn’t have pegged him for the sort.”

“Yeah, well he worries too much,” James said. In contrast to his blasé tone, the curve of his mouth was turned decidedly downward. The shadows cast by the fire cast half his face into darkness but illuminated, emphasized, his frown.

“I’m starting to think he has some sort of complex about his future,” Lily said.

She thought back to the reason he lost Dahlia. It seemed impossible that a member of the Marauders could be suffering from a lack of self-confidence, but that appeared to be the exact source of Remus’s woes. She’d have to think a bit on how to perk him up a bit. Shelia would know how to help. The realization that Shelia wouldn’t be around to brainstorm with was as scalding as spilled coffee, an abrupt burst of pain.

Lily swallowed deeply and said, “What about you? Do you have any ideas of what you’re doing after Hogwarts? International Quidditch sensation, perhaps?”

James answering chuckle caused his chest to shake, a gentle tremor that shook Lily’s body in turn. “That’s certainly the dream, but I dunno. Lately I’ve been thinking about maybe trying for an auror position. I’ll have the NEWTs, and I don’t think I’d feel right about flying while the world’s gone to shite. Quidditch will still be there after we put Voldemort in Azkaban forever.”

“I could see it,” Lily agreed. If a part of her trembled and raged at the idea of James rushing off into danger on a regular basis, it was quickly suffocated by the part of her that admired him for it. Everyone had a duty to their community, to the wellbeing of their fellow man, and Lily could never respect a person who could turn their back on that.

“What about you? I can’t imagine you not wanting to join the fight,” James said.

“Yeah, but becoming an auror is…I don’t much care for the Ministry. I don’t know if I could work for them,” Lily said. She reminded James of all the ways the Ministry had undermined muggleborn rights over the years, how the government had routinely dismissed the Voldemort problem until it had become too substantial to ignore any longer. The Ministry was filled top to bottom with self-righteous purebloods who’d proven time and time again that their real issue with Voldemort’s movement was how it threatened their institutions. From the start, they’d been ready to sacrifice muggleborns like her, at least partially. “Considering all that, I couldn’t see myself taking orders from them. There’s got to be another way to help out.”

“You could become a healer. That’s going to be loads helpful as the fighting picks up,” James said.

Lily frowned. She supposed James was right, but she had to weigh the position’s helpfulness against the likelihood she’d get to punch a death eater in the face. Judging by that criteria, it was falling quite short of her desires. Let them call her a mudblood when their nose was gushing blood and she refused to heal them up. Ha!

“I think I want to be a bit more involved in the actual fight,” Lily said uncertainly.

“Like, working outside the law?” James questioned lightly.

“Yeah, like a superhero! Like Batman!” Lily said excitedly.

“A what?”

“Oh bloody – you don’t even know who Batman is?” Lily tutted.

“Ignorant pureblood here, remember?” James said.

As far as ignorant purebloods went, he was pretty cute, so she figured he deserved a quick kiss. James clearly hadn’t gotten the memo that it was meant to be a quick kiss because he pressed his lips to hers more firmly and did an excellent job of making her thoughts become a jumble in her head. She had to press her hand firmly into his chest and pull her face out of his reach to regain her bearings.

“Batman –” Lily said loudly. (He snickered.) “– is a superhero from muggle comic books. Superheroes are people, usually with superpowers, which actually you wouldn’t think are that super since they’re mostly just abilities you could perform with magic, but anyway…superheroes fight crime outside the law. Batman doesn’t have any powers though. He’s just really rich and uses his money to buy cool cars and weapons to fight the bad guys. What makes him so special is that he never kills his enemies, always locking them up.”

“Sounds cool, I guess,” James said.

Lily thought she must have unforgivably sold the whole premise if James thought it only sounded ‘cool.’ “It is cool, and it’s exactly what I want to be. Someone who swoops in and saves the day.”

“You’re not very rich,” James pointed out.

“There may be a few kinks, but it’s more an aspiration than a plan,” Lily said primly.

“Why’s he called Batman?” James asked suddenly.

Lily was a bit flustered. Outside the comic, she imagined this bit wasn’t going to translate well. “Oh, um…well, he has to hide his identity. So he wears a costume…a bat costume.”

James’ cheek bulged from where he bit it, trying not to laugh too much. He didn’t have much success as his chuckles wracked his body. Each tremor that she could feel was a betrayal, a stab at her dreams!

“It’s not funny!” Lily cried.

“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to imagine what you’d dress up as,” James said through a gasp of laughter.

“I don’t _have_ to dress up as an animal.”

“Oh, but you should! Come one, tell me, Lily. What’ll it be?” James mocked. His mouth compressed into a perfectly straight line that still managed to convey more humor than a full-blown grin from another person.

Lily sighed in mock disappointment. “You’re so immature. I don’t know what animal would be. I suppose it would have to be my patronus.”

“Oh, what is your patronus?” James asked.

“No idea. I haven’t tried to learn the spell yet, but if I had to dress up as an animal, I would choose my patronus,” Lily explained.

James considered this for a moment. “I bet you’re a rabbit.”

“A _what_?”

Holding his hands in front of him like paws, James then wrinkled his nose in a terrible impression of a rabbit. He looked like a warthog. “Come on. You’re cute like one. Bouncy.”

Now she knew he was full of it. No one had ever described her as bouncy before. She swanned about, graceful, elegant even. Lily most certainly did not bounce.

“I would not be something as common as a garden rabbit,” Lily sniffed. “A stallion maybe, that’s elegant enough. Or a cat of some kind a…a…lynx!”

“Absolutely not,” James said definitively. He slapped his hand against the end table to his right to emphasize his point. “You’re either something adorable or you’re something ferocious. A meercat or a dragon. Nothing in between.”

Oh.

Oh a dragon.

A dragon could be nice.

Lily perked right up at the possibilities. Something about the suggestion felt unlikely, but she certainly wouldn’t mind. Dragons were pure magic, graceful in spite of their lumbering bodies, and making one angry was the greatest of mistakes. She could live with a dragon. Lily told James as much.

Stroking her hair out of her face, James kissed her in full view of everyone in the common room. Under the less than inconspicuous stares of their peers, Lily kissed him back. The hand that was in her hair transformed from comforting to delicious, as the tips of James’ fingers trailed down the back of her neck, tracing the goose pimples that sprang to life there. It made her shiver and her nipples harden, concealed from view by the padding of her bra.

“James,” Lily whispered, noses still touching. “Try not to make it too obvious.”

Confused, James pulled back. “Make what obvious?”

Lily ignored the question in favor of shouting out to the other students in the common room. “Hey! This place has become a mess! Everyone start cleaning up in here. You can’t rely on the house elves to do everything for you. Come on now!”

Amidst a great deal of grumbling, the Gryffindors began to pick up the books and sheets of parchment that littered the floor. James was now staring at her like she’d lost her senses, but Lily only pecked him swiftly on the lips. Then, with everyone else distracted, she bounded up the stairs.

The boys’ stairs.

James’ bed was covered in laundry, hopefully already cleaned. Not knowing what else to do with it, Lily shifted it all over onto what she assumed was Remus’s bed. (The clue being that it was made.) Then, she plopped down onto the mattress and waited. After a minute of expectant watching the door, Lily decided that waiting so blatantly wouldn’t do and picked up the Quidditch mag on James’ bedside table. There, now she struck the right level of casualness.

Shattering Lily’s expectation that James would only be able to wait for two minutes tops, James came bursting into the room a whole 210 seconds after she left him in the common room. Lily wondered if it was patronizing to compare James to a puppy in her head and whether or not she’d alighted upon his patronus because that was what he was. A puppy racing up the stairs, eager to join her. Without waiting, James reached for the hem of his shirt to tear it overhead.

“Woah! Slow down there, mister,” Lily ordered, a half-laugh catching in her throat.

“But I thought we came up here to…”

“Well, yeah but we have to pretend like we’re here to talk at least for a little bit,” Lily said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. She’d come sprinting up here to snog James until he felt dizzy, but that didn’t change the fact that it was very ungentlemanly to make a woman feel like that was all you wanted from her.

James slumped mournfully onto the bed, back falling across the unyielding knobs of her knees. “Ugh, fine. What do you want to talk about?”

The poor baby. He made her want to laugh.

“I have a very important Quidditch question to ask you,” Lily said seriously, flipping through the pages of the magazine until she could find an article on the Chudley Canons.

“You have a very serious Quidditch question?” James sounded one part enthused, one part skeptical.

He had every right to be, and Lily struggled to keep a straight face as she thrust the magazine with the picture of the Canons’ team in front of him. “In your esteemed opinion, who’s fitter? The blonde beater or the chaser with the jaw.”

The magazine was plucked out of her fingers and tossed to the side so that James could sit up in outrage. Apparently he did not find the question amusing.

“This is your idea of serious?”

“Yes! This is every witch in Britain’s idea of serious! Everyone has an opinion. You’re either a Parker or a Fitch girl with no in betweens. Friendships have been ruined over this! _The_ _Hogwarts Daily Mail_ has done several articles, and I don’t know a girl in the castle who hasn’t had this argument…well, Mary aside.”

Beleaguered and like it was the very definition of an inconvenience, James picked up the magazine and studied the images of Parker and Fitch. Like he really needed reminding, Lily thought derisively. Parker and Fitch only featured in just about every advertisement that looked for celebrity sponsors – toothpastes and broom insurance and, matter of fact, Parker had once modeled for Sleakeazy, boasting about how the hair product could keep his hair tame even under the buffeting winds on the pitch.

“I dunno. They’re both good looking guys. What do you want me to say?”

“Nuh-uh. You have a preference,” Lily said. “It’s the Robert Redford versus Paul Newman question. Everyone agrees they’re both perfect looking, possibly the most attractive men to ever live, but _everyone_ has a preference. What’s yours?”

“Fine, uh, Fitch, I guess,” James relented.

Lily’s eyebrows drew together in suspicion. “You didn’t just pick the one who looks most like you, did you?”

“No,” James perked up, turning to face her with a coy expression. “Are you saying you think I look like Fitch?”

“In. Your. Dreams.”

Truthfully, there was a bit of a resemblance, not that James was on Paul Newman or Roger Fitch levels of attractiveness. Lily may have been caught up in the blinding whirlwind of fancying someone, but she wasn’t completely delusional. That said, they both had strong jaws, thick, dark hair (though Fitch’s was always groomed unlike someone’s), and mouthwateringly strong physiques.

“Fitch must be your favorite, then,” James said arrogantly. “Seeing as how he looks the most like me.”

“Actually, I prefer Parker,” Lily said snootily.

“Parker? Completely toothless! Look at his eyes. They look like they belong on a baby,” James countered.

“Yes, blue eyes, so hideous,” Lily scoffed. “Maybe I just prefer blondes.”

A blatant lie. Paul Newman destroyed Robert Redford in Lily’s opinion. And the saying was tall, _dark_ , and handsome for a reason. It’s not like she would refuse to date someone based on something as superficial as hair color, but her red-hair would match better with a brunette anyway.

Musings about the two fittest men in the wizarding world disappeared from her mind when James flipped himself over, positioning himself so that he hovered above her, face-to-face. His arms bracketed her shoulders, chest only gently pressing into hers. She gazed up into James’ decidedly un-blue eyes and couldn’t remember why she’d insisted they chat for a bit in the first place. When he kissed her he tasted like toffees, sweet and rich, the kind of taste that left her licking at his lips in an attempt to get a little more.

 

“Take off your pants,” Lily ordered confidently.

James rolled right off her and the bed, hands flying to the button of his trousers before he’d fully straightened up. He shucked pants and trousers to the floor without any delay or show of modesty. He stood before her proud and hard and grinning.

“Jesus Christ! Take your socks off too! God, I can barely stand to look at you,” Lily yelped, covering her eyes and desperately wishing she could erase the flattering image from her memory. As an afterthought, she added, “The shirt too.”

“Fine,” James grumbled, “but you should take off yours then.”

Lily glared at him balefully. “It’s _cold_.”

Compromise was the foundation of a good relationship, so in spite of her words, Lily deigned to unbutton her blouse. Now James had something to ogle – the soft swell of her cleavage pushed above the peachy lace of her bra – and her arms wouldn’t freeze. It was a win-win.

A little gracelessly, Lilly rolled over onto her stomach so that she was facing James. Obedient, he’d removed the offending articles of clothing so that he no longer looked ridiculous. Now he just looked good. Lily pulled a hair-tie off her wrist and deftly maneuvered it through her unbound hair so that it rested in a tail high atop her head.

“James, you’re going to have to come a bit closer if you want this to work,” Lily said. She motioned to the nearly full meter of space that existed between them.

Adorably, a hint of color rose to James’ face as he took a few steps closer. Once he was within close range, he swooped down to kiss her again. His mouth sealed tightly against her own. There wasn’t a lot of movement to the kiss, just his lips firm against her own. The long length of his thumb pressed into the hollow of her cheek.

James probably would have kept at the kiss indefinitely, but Lily gripped him by the base of his cock and sent him reeling back so that he could gain a better look at her hand around him. Based on this and his past behavior, Lily was getting the impression that James was a ridiculously visual person. A useful tip to file away for future reference. Lily let her hand skate down his length with just the barest pressure, waiting for him to look up and meet her gaze. When he did, the look in his eyes – eager and intense – made her smile.

The truth was that in the entire retinue of sexual activity, there was nothing that Lily felt more confident about than her ability to give an outstanding blow job. She was _good_.

It was a talent born out of insecurity as much as anything else. Back when she’d first tried with her fifth year boyfriend – Aubrey – she’d been a nervous wreck. Lily was a girl who liked to excel at all of her endeavors, and she hadn’t had the first idea how to go about oral for the first time. In the days leading up to the event, Lily had worked herself up into a frenzy of anxiety, almost going so far as to write Petunia for tips before she remembered that her sister was as likely to shame her as help her in response to such a letter.

It had gone fine, of course. Aubrey had voiced no complains, but it was his first time receiving just like it was Lily’s first time giving, so he was obviously a poor judge of such things. Her performance had been fine, which was nowhere close to meeting the standards she set for herself. So, she practiced. Practiced and read Marlene’s trashy books. (Not that they always made the best guides. Their heroines always seemed to possess the mythic ability to deep throat for minutes straight without causing their mascara to streak to their chin.)

By the end of her relationship with Aubrey, Lily had become positively confident in her skill in this area. Which, when a girl didn’t want to go _all_ the way, was practically a necessity in getting a boyfriend to shut up about it.

So, Lily was pretty excited to see just what she could do to James. (All the more because this was _James_ not some nondescript ex-boyfriend who would fade from her memory as the years passed by.) Once she saw that he was good and eager, she decided to begin. She licked a straight path up the base to the head, which she gave a little swirl with the tip of her tongue. Then, she drew back to blow a cool stream along the wet trail. James’ hips twitched and his cock bobbed a little in response.

“So, how do you want me to touch you?” Lily asked.

For a few seconds, James stared at her like he was questioning whether or not she was real, and then he laughed. Rather than feel insulted, Lily giggled along with him. The ability to transform the atmosphere from sexy to silly and back again was one of James’ best talents. Somehow, even amidst the laughter, she never grew self-conscious, never lost sight of the fact that he found her sexy.

In a practiced move, Lily tossed her head so that her ponytail would lean to the side and crossed her legs in the air. She smiled up at James until he stopped laughing.

“Do you want me to touch you like this?” Lily asked sweetly before letting her hot mouth stretch around the head. Held immobile between her lips, she traced a light zig-zagging pattern into the skin with her tongue.

James’ eyes clenched tightly together as he groaned quietly. “Just like that.”

The sound of his voice just then did something very sinful to Lily. She’d never been with anyone as vocal as James before, and she loved it. Wanting to hear more, she would give him every opening, ask leading questions, anything to encourage him to speak up. Being with James always left her body _and_ her mind stimulated. One feeding into the other.

Lily pulled a few crucial centimeters away and switched to pumping him with both hands. She kept her motions slow and deliberate, focusing on the way a vein in his cock scraped against her palm. Teasingly, she let her tongue flick forward every few strokes to graze along the very tip.

Coyly, Lily asked, “Would you like me to get it wetter.”

“Please, _yes_.”

More seriously, Lily added, “What are your feelings on spit? Does it freak you out?”

“A gift from Merlin himself,” James said urgently.

Lily hid a chuckle behind her hand. It almost defied reason that James could still summon up his lame sense of humor when getting jacked off. He’d given her the go ahead though, so, discreetly, Lily spat into her hand. When she brought her now slick hand back to its work, the new lubricant aided her in moving up and down with increased speed. Something told Lily that James, Quidditch extraordinaire and acolyte of all things thrilling, would be a big fan of fast.

This time when Lily took him into her mouth, she pushed that essential bit forward so that her lips slipped past the head and felt the length of him. She didn’t fight the buildup of saliva, letting it work with her so that she could fit him further into her mouth, always instinctively stopping and drawing back right before he’d make contact with the back of her throat.

Twitchy bastard that he was, James’ hands were everywhere throughout this process. Like a good boy, he’d started with them clasped behind his back, but that had lasted approximately thirty seconds before he’d had to move. Then they were in his hair, in her hair, resting on his hips, waving about pointlessly in the air. She’d have to remember to leave her hair down next time as holding it back would give him something to do. Finally, his left hand settled at her temple so that he could scratch at her scalp, and the other hung limply at his side.

Lily’s hands did their own drifting at this point, one staying rooted at the base but the other dipping lower to the sacks holding his balls. She only cupped them gently, but Lily could feel the strain it put on James, hips tensing as he fought the instinct to buck further into her mouth.

Airily, Lily removed her mouth again – though neither of her hands stopped working – to ask, “So how long do you want this to last? Because I could end this in like, thirty seconds, or keep you going for oh –” she pretended to look at a nonsexist watch on her wrist – “maybe another five minutes.”

“That’s cute, but it’ll be at least another five. I’m not there yet, Evans,” James said patronizingly.

The use of her last name in a moment so wrought sent a tingle of pleasure racing through her, so intense that she had to close her eyes. A little desperately, Lily sat us so she could grab a pillow – firm and perfectly-sized – ignoring the keen of outrage from James as he thought that she’d abandoned him. Lily placed the pillow beneath her legs, letting her skirt ride up so that the only thing that separated her from it was her knickers. The immediate pressure made her breath shudder as she settled back onto her stomach to face James.

A little more shakily than she would have liked, Lily said, “Thirty seconds. Count ‘em”

“Okay, whatever you say Li –”

James was cut off rather abruptly as Lily sank as deep as she could go, the tightness of her throat gripping him mercilessly. At the same time, Lily slipped a hand behind his testicles to press her knuckled into his perineum. For the coup de grace, Lily flicked her eyes upwards to meet his rather overwhelmed ones. Never letting up on the pressure behind his balls, Lily bobbed her head as fast as she could along his cock. She couldn’t take him quite as deep and maintain her speed, but experience told her that just by deepthroating a guy for a few seconds without gagging, he’d spend the rest of the blow job too awestruck to mind.

During all this, her eyes stayed trained to his. Watching the pleasure James was getting out of this – that she was giving him – was about all she could get out of this exercise. The appreciation she saw there had her bucking her hips steadily into the aptly placed pillow. If she kept this up, they would be coming together.

Lovely, sweet, considerate man that he was, James gave a warning grunt and tried to pull back as his orgasm hit him full-force. Hauling him closer by the arse, Lily didn’t let him escape, instead dropping as low on his cock as she could go. He was so deep that when he came, Lily barely tasted him, his release sliding inoffensively down the back of her throat.

Maybe Lily should have lapped at him for another minute to really ride out his orgasm, but her own need had become too urgent to ignore. She gripped the undersides of the pillow to more firmly guide it against her clit. Absently, she noticed the dip in the bed as James collapsed beside her, took note of his heavy breathing, but she was too busy humping into the pillow to care. The shock of cold as James hand glided over the bare skin between shirt and knickers too her by surprise but didn’t slow her down. Her crest was right there, and if she could just hold onto the way James had looked at her, like the world began and ended with her eyes…

“You’re so fucking perfect, you know that?” James’ hot breath glided over her ear. “The sexiest person alive with your hot, little mouth, and those big fucking green eyes peering up at me. So damn beautiful.”

Lily gasped as she came, her hips rutting inelegantly into the pillow. She could barely breath. Without so much as touching her, James had robbed her of her breath. For a self-brought orgasm, it felt damned good too.

“Oh, James…” Lily whispered.

Her heartbeat was loud in her ear, seemingly amplified as it travelled up the mattress to her ear. Every few breaths, she exhaled on a whimper. She was utterly drained and magnificently comfortable. The idea of ever moving again seemed reprehensible.

“We should move before one of the lads gets back and sees us,” James said, sounding every bit as wrecked as she felt.

Probably, she should have felt indignant that James had let them engage in this type of activity when he didn’t know when his friends might return, but she felt too sleepy to care much at all.

“Never moving again,” Lily muttered in the way that required the least movement of her lips.

Mumbling incoherently, James sat up only long enough to flip her skirt down so that her arse was decently covered and then he collapsed back into his own heap on the bed. She hated him for it. Hated him because she couldn’t help but giggle at the way he’d felt compelled to protect her modesty in spite of his own exhaustion. The way her laughter shook her chest practically hurt.

“I think we belong in the hall of fame,” James said blearily. “We’re just too good.”

“You mean I’m too good. You didn’t do much,” Lily pointed out.

James huffed out a breath of outrage. “I did plenty.”

Lily smiled the most unwelcome smile in history. He needed to shut up so she could stick to her whole never moving plan.

“Lily?” James called after several minutes. “Do you think hall of famers can nap afterwards?”

“Probably not. They probably go another six rounds. Sick bastards,” Lily said, “…but a nap does sound nice.”

“It’d be nicer underneath the blankets,” James pointed out.

Seeing as they were lying horizontally on the bed, limbs dangling over the edges, maneuvering under the covers would require they sit up. Lily thought the cost was too great.

“I’m fine where I am,” Lily said.

“Merlin, you’re lazy,” James laughed. “You’d think I wasn’t the one who just had my soul sucked out of my prick.”

Lily didn’t deign that with a response. Laziness had never met Lily Evans. She was just _tired_.

“Do you think hall of famers can cuddle as they nap?” James asked leadingly.

That perked Lily’s interest. Enough that she lifted her head off the bed to look at him. “I imagine hall of famers do appreciate a good cuddle. Fosters intimacy and all that.”

“Okay. Here’s what we do. I’m going to count to three, and then we’re going to move to the top of the bed. Okay? One, two, _three_!”

With a surge of energy she hadn’t thought she’d possessed, Lily flung herself up and hurried under the covers. The heavy blankets did feel nice, and James’ chest made an excellent pillow. She laid her cheek against him contentedly and sighed. Now, she was never moving again.

“Hall of fucking fame,” James announced, wrapping his arm around her back.

Already half asleep, Lily’s lips stretched wide as she whispered, “Hall of fucking fame.”

 

 


	45. Oct. 28: Part I

**October 28, 1977**

“Just to clarify, why are you upset again?”

“You’re neglecting me.”

“Neglecting you?”

“Yes.”

James sighed and fixed his eyes to the ceiling, anywhere other than his obstinate mate. The three walking Marauders were in the common room. Remus and James were engaged in a chess match, while Sirius pouted, cross-legged on the floor. Sirius had managed to watch their chess match without interference for all of four minutes. His record was nine.

“Is Moony neglecting you, too?” James asked.

Sirius cocked his head to the side, considering, and then said, “No, I don’t think he is.”

“Well that’s hardly fair,” James said, pointing at Sirius accusingly with the flat end of his rook. “It takes two to play a game of chess.”

“Yes, but Moony’s ignoring me is momentary. Yours is a trend,” Sirius replied back primly.

“If you were anyone else, I’d make a crack about how your parents didn’t hold you enough growing up,” James muttered.

“Low blow. Ineffective, but low,” Sirius responded, undeterred.

Managing to sound only slightly annoyed, Remus offered, “Sirius, would you like to take my place playing James?”

“Playing chess? Let me think about it, um no.”

James slumped in defeat. Someday, he and Remus were going to actually finish a match. It would probably be a post-funeral match with Sirius buried deep beneath the ground. Unless of course he chose to return as the world’s most interfering ghost. James wouldn’t put it past him.

“Would you like to do something else?” James asked.

“Yes.”

“What?” Remus pressed.

“…I don’t know.”

Precedent said they could continue in this manner for some time.

Rather than wade through the normal theatrics that came with a bored Sirius, Remus decided to just give up. “That’s it. I’m going to bed.”

“You can’t! It’s barely six o’clock!” James said.

“On a Friday!” Sirius added.

Remus shrugged apologetically. From experience, James knew that sleeping the weekend away was a symptom of depression. His Great Aunt Agnes had started napping through the afternoons after her last owl had died (her husband had died some two decades earlier), and the old woman had taken to spending her remaining days in bed, curtains drawn and bags beneath her eyes no matter how many hours she slept. His mum had attempted all manner of tricks to get dear Agnes out of bed, not the least of which had been letting James stage a disruptive water balloon fight outside her bedroom door.

“Mate, you have to buck up. No bird is worth your Friday,” James intoned solemnly.

“Sorry. I just want to be in bed. Maybe I’ll do some reading,” Remus said.

Sirius mouthed ‘reading’ at James, a horrified questioning of whether or not reading was any better than falling asleep before eight on a Friday. Neither of them stopped Remus from leaving, though they held a long conversation with their eyes and unsubtle head motions to determine whether they should. People were like different sized rubber bands; they required a different amount of time to snap back on their own. Some people recovered almost instantaneously, while others, like Remus, had already lost a fair bit of their elasticity from other traumas (read: being a werewolf) and required a little more time to recover.

“That was just depressing,” Sirius said.

“Well, maybe if you had shut up about being bored, he’d still be down here playing chess,” James pointed out. Sirius looked appropriately chagrined so James didn’t push the issue. Instead he asked, “What did you mean before? About how neglecting you has become a trend with me?”

James wasn’t sure why the line, practically a throw away in the middle of Sirius’s histrionics, had stuck with him. It wasn’t like Sirius limited himself to serious grievances when he got into one of his moods. Yet James figured he was pretty good at spotting when Sirius meant a barb to land, and there had been something too sharp behind his words.

“Oh, come off it,” Sirius said.

“No, what did you mean?” James insisted. He was sick of Sirius’s recent shite where he’d throw out something ambiguous, hinting to a problem, and then retract before James could ever sort out what was wrong. It was unbearably passive aggressive.

“Just that you’re off on your own a lot lately,” Sirius grumbled reluctantly.

James ran through a catalogue of the past week and didn’t find a lot to support Sirius’s claim. “What are you on about? We played Quidditch just yesterday! You’re my partner in every damn class. We eat every meal together!”

Galvanized by James’ defense of himself, Sirius shot back with more animation, “But you disappeared after Potions yesterday! I don’t have a clue where you were half of Wednesday! And you’re always disappearing off to rounds now.”

“So we don’t spend every minute of the day together. And since when does going to rounds count as me blowing you off? They’re an obligation,” James said. A peculiar idea was occurring to him. He had a hunch about just what was bothering Sirius, but it was almost too ridiculous to believe.

“Whatever. You can just run off with whoever you like. What do I care?” Sirius said, sounding like he cared very much.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” James demanded.

This was about Lily. James hadn’t made it a habit to run off with anyone else of late. His temples throbbed with the stirrings of a headache as he tried to wrap his brain around what was happening. Sirius was jealous of Lily. Lily was judgmental of Sirius. Two of the most important people in his life were facing off against each other at every opportunity for no discernable reason, and worse, they wanted him to take sides. He’d honestly never believed Sirius would put him in a position like this. It broke just about every rule of their friendship.

“I’m just saying that you’ve been pretty busy lately,” Sirius said.

“You have your own girlfriend!” James said heatedly. “How can you possibly be upset with me for spending time with mine?”

“She’s not your girlfriend though, is she mate? Because she’s stringing you along, and you’re dragging around behind her like a broken kite,” Sirius said.

James was angry, well and truly furious, but he couldn’t keep up a frown when Sirius started inventing ridiculous metaphors in the middle of a conversation. The level of cynicism that would take was beyond him. Amusement warring with his indignation, James was able to settle on something a little more civil. Rowing with Sirius was the most unpleasant thing he’d ever experienced, and it was best avoided for the health of everyone in the castle.

“Are you annoyed that I’m spending time with Lily instead of you or that I’m spending time with Lily at all?” James asked, unsure because he could remember back to when he first told Sirius about Lily and his mate hadn’t been supportive then either.

“You deserve better,” Sirius said. Sirius thought James deserved the best of everything, James had no doubt, so the insincerity dripping behind Sirius’s words had to come from something else. Something about Sirius’s hinting that he resented Lily’s treatment of James just didn’t ring true.

Regardless, it was a betrayal. Maybe not the kind of betrayal that devastated friendships but a betrayal all the same. Sirius had chosen not to trust James’ judgment, to withhold his feelings and allow a layer of misunderstanding to grow between them like dust. It was unconscionable, and James didn’t feel like playing nice in the wake of it.

“Don’t make me choose between the two of you,” James warned. “Don’t ask me that.”

Resentful, Sirius flicked James’ king on the chessboard so that it toppled over. “Why? I’d choose you if you asked the same.”

James didn’t know what to say because that was the fundamental difference between them. Sirius would not hesitate to cut someone out of his life if James asked. His priorities were always perfectly defined. Sometimes, James wondered whether Sirius wouldn’t toss Remus aside if it was James’ wish. But James wasn’t like that. There was no one that James valued more highly than Sirius, but it didn’t make a difference. James needed more. He needed friends, plural, and he needed a girl, and his family, and someday his list of people would probably expand even further. Faced with the same ultimatum, James wouldn’t abandon Remus, even if it meant that Sirius walked out of his life forever. He didn’t let anyone bully him into making decisions like that.

“Since we’re on the subject of people deserving more, I have something to say to you about Marlene,” James announced impulsively. He’d kept his mouth shut on the subject of Sirius’s dismissive treatment of Marlene even in the face of Lily’s batting eyes and Marlene’s own pitiful optimism, but if Sirius wasn’t going to respect James’ right to privacy, James wasn’t about to return the favor. “You’re a right wanker to her.”

Sirius’s eyebrows shot up comically high. “Me to Marlene?”

“Yeah! Say what you want about Lily not being my girlfriend, but she treats me better than you treat yours, and I’d swear she’s more serious about us too. I thought I was supposed to be the prick when it came to girls,” James continued.

Utterly baffled, Sirius said nothing. As he sat there trying to come up with a rejoinder, Henrick Higgles approached to tell James that he was requested in Dumbledore’s office. James was rather relieved to have an excuse to escape because while Sirius and James weren’t fighting at the moment, James wasn’t sure that would remain true if they kept at it. Each of them had dangled a foot off a cliff today and retracted it before they could follow through with their weight. The temptation to test it a bit further still hovered between them.

“Listen, we’ll spend tomorrow night together. Get rip-roaring drunk and terrorize Filch,” James promised.

“Just the two of us?” Sirius asked like he couldn’t believe it.

James rolled his eyes. “Unless Moony decides to crawl out of bed, then, yeah, just you and me. Just let me sort this with Dumbledore, yeah?”

“What do you think he wants anyway?” Sirius said. He leaned back, regaining some of the impenetrable casualness that was his trademark. It was how James knew that the crisis was well and truly averted.

“Probably wants to praise me for being the greatest Head Boy this castle’s ever seen,” James predicted cheekily. “I pulled off a spectacular scavenger hunt last weekend.”

“Who’d have thought we’d ever be called to the Headmaster’s office and _not_ be threatened with expulsion,” Sirius marveled.

James clapped Sirius on the shoulder and said somberly, “These are dark times we are living in.” Then he made his way across the Common Room to leave. His right leg was already dangling out the Portrait Hole when he thought of something and spun around. “Oi, Sirius! I thought of another one! I bet I’ve gone further with Lily than you and your girl too!”

Sirius made a rude hand gesture in retaliation, but James was laughing too hard to care. It was hard to complain about life when he got to spend time with Lily Evans naked.

 

The Headmaster’s office wasn’t a place that James associated with positive times. As much as James didn’t mind getting into some trouble, being called into the Headmaster’s office was usually a sign that things had progressed too far. It meant that there would be some fuss about expulsion that his father would have to resolve (which meant James would have to endure his disappointed stares for at least half of the Christmas holiday before he forgot to be embarrassed that James was foolish enough to get caught.) It meant that Remus would be a mess of panic, convinced he’d failed the man who’d offered him a future in spite of his infliction. It meant that Sirius had just tried to _murder_ someone.

All in all, not good.

As Head Boy though, he’d come to know the office in a different context. This was the third time that year that Dumbledore had summoned him to the office for something work related. These meetings had been sullied each time by Lily’s condemnation, but that was a thing of the past now too. James figured he could actually make a good memory in the office today.

From all of his times in trouble, James was plenty familiar with the lay of the room. He had a tendency to space out when someone was lecturing him on responsibility, and he’d completed a pretty thorough catalogue of everything in the room. Nothing was all that different today than all the times before. Fawkes was nearing the end of her life cycle, molting and cawing dejectedly from her perch as her beauty deteriorated. There were still more knickknacks that papers decorating Dumbledore’s sturdy desk. The curtains that were tied to the sides so that light could stream through the windows during the day still trailed the ground and collected dust like a broom.

The only notable difference was that there was only one chair opposite Dumbledore’s desk. Like much of Hogwarts, Dumbledore’s furniture had a personality, a mind of its own. It would rearrange itself according to the visitors that were expected, producing a dozen low, cushioned seats when the Headmaster needed to entertain an emissary from the Ministry, or a chair so straight-backed that the unfortunate fool that occupied it developed a crick in their neck in the case of wrongdoers. The absence of a second chair for Lily suggested that she wouldn’t be coming.

That or she’d be performing some sort of interpretive dance and not require a seat.

“Good evening, sir,” James said airily, settling into the seat without waiting to be invited.

Dumbledore took James’ breach of manners with a pleasant smile and offered him a toffee from an ashtray on his desk. James wondered, as he fingered through the brightly wrapped candies, whether Dumbledore had ever smoked or if he’d collected the ashtray solely with toffees in mind.

“Do you know why I called you in tonight, James?” Dumbledore asked. The use of James’ first name was yet another reminder of how many hours James had spent in this office.

“To give me a pat on the back?” James offered.

Dumbledore’s answering smile was ambiguous. “I heard something about an incident between Mr. DesMarias and Miss Urquart. Care to tell me what happened? A bit of an overstepping of your authority, perhaps?”

For the second time that night, James experienced a sensation of pure betrayal. “Professor! You should have heard what she said to him. I couldn’t just sit by and listen to that death eater talk!”

“James, James, you misunderstand me,” Dumbledore said soothingly, raising a hand to calm the irate Head Boy before he could leap from his seat in a rage. “I did not bring you here to chastise you. Rather, I just want to hear the full story in your own words.”

Chastened, James settled back into his seat and proceeded to inform Dumbledore of the situation he’d walked into with Urquart and DesMarias. James found he was rather eager to share the incident with someone else. He’d enjoyed the praise he received from Lily a lot, but she’d already heard about the scene and didn’t give him the opportunity to tell it in its full glory. Sharing his success with another person was great. The Headmaster listened with hands steepled politely in front of his chin.

“Prefects, including Head Boy, are not permitted to give house points,” Dumbledore said. “That said, I think I’ll uphold this alteration. It seems to have been made with justice and fairness in mind.”

James grinned. “Thanks, Professor.”

“I hope you don’t make it a habit though,” Dumbledore warned.

Wickedly, James shrugged. “I’ll probably go on a spree sometime this week just to exploit the fact that people believe I have the power, but I’ll accept it when it doesn’t take.”

Dumbledore hid a chuckle behind a cough, but without his beard to disguise it, James recognized the move for what it was.

“I’m proud of you, James,” Dumbledore said warmly. “I’ll be sure to write your father and tell him what a success you’ve made of your position. He was very eager to see you as Head Boy.”

James rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Thanks, sir. It means a lot that you don’t think I’m making a fool of it. I honestly wasn’t sure I’d be a good fit when you first sent me the badge.”

He was underselling it pretty dramatically. Beneath all of his satisfaction at being recognized had been some pretty deep-seated worry that he was going to bungle the whole thing. James hadn’t feared disappointing Dumbledore. He liked the man, but they weren’t buddies and never would be. Rather, he’d been horrified at the prospect of losing the position altogether. Delighted with her son’s accomplishments, Mrs. Potter would have looked at him with that dourfull expression of hers that said ‘I’m not mad, just disappointed,’ the worst words a son could hear. And his father! James almost couldn’t bear to imagine what his father would have thought if James lost a position that came with such respect and affluence. Maybe he didn’t grow up in the kind of monstrous family that bullied their children like Sirius did, but James was still familiar with a parent’s disapproval and thought the silent judgment of his parents might be even worse.

So he’d accepted his position with mixed feelings and affixed his badge to his robes for the first time with sweat-slicked palms. To have made an actual success of it was a victory even outside the bet. (Not that James wasn’t already calculating just how much he could torture Lily with this praise directly from the Headmaster’s lips because he _definitely_ was.)

 “I had my doubts as well,” Dumbledore admitted, earning a laugh from James. Anyone who didn’t would have to be off their rocker. “There have been a number of head students over the year who earned the position in the same manner as you who only wanted the honor as a symbol of their affluence and didn’t make a go at really improving the school. I confess I wasn’t sure which category you would fall into, but there were no strong male candidates in your year, and you’ve certainly proved me wrong.”

“What do you mean?”

Dumbledore looked up from his desk with a jerk of surprise to meet James’ confused gaze. Confused and suspicious. Something about the way Dumbledore had phrased his praise sounded all wrong. In what manner had James “earned” the position that was different from other students? And why would he give the position to someone he didn’t trust at all in the first place?

Unspoken amongst James and his friends, they’d all just assumed James was made Head Boy in an effort by Dumbledore to push him into responsibility. Afraid of disappointing the people who’d believed in him, James would behave for his final year at Hogwarts. His friends had laughed pretty hard at the idea that any professor’s tactics could slow him down, but the last month had proven the strategy fairly effective. James had risen to become a great Head Boy.

To hear Dumbledore hint that his actual reasons varied from those James had long suspected perked his interest. The realization that James did not understand his ambiguous words had clearly startled Dumbledore, and the man now wore a guilty expression, like maybe the truth wasn’t something to be shared with James after all.

“There are several considerations that assist me in choosing the Head students each year, Mr. Potter. That is all I meant,” Dumbledore told him calmly.

“What kind of considerations?” James demanded, aware of how he entitled he sounded but unable to stop himself or tack on a mitigating ‘sir.’ Dumbledore’s reticence had increased his suspicions to unignorable levels.

“Much of what you’d expect: grades, reputation, leadership potential,” Dumbledore said lightly. Dishonestly.

“Sir, I’ve never known you to lie before,” James said coolly.

Dumbledore sighed. He understood that James was not to be deterred in this line of questioning. “You have to understand my positon, James. As you’ve probably suspected for some time, I am involved in several efforts to weaken Voldemort’s ascent to power. Efforts that require a lot in the way of funds.” The pit of pure dread that unleashed in James’ stomach was a signal that he understood what was coming before his thoughts could articulate the truth. “Only in cases where I feel there is not an obvious candidate, I allow the parents of some students to petition me for the position. I’ve been receiving these offers for decades, but only in the past five years have I started considering the occasional…well, let’s call it what it is, bribe from parents to make their child a Head.”

“My father bought me the position,” James whispered.

“A number of parents tried as much this year, including a few parents to students who I felt did not have the temperament necessary for a position of power, so I hope you understand that in that regard, you did earn the position,” Dumbledore said.

Believe it or not, being told he’d beaten out some of the most despicable students in school did not do much to comfort him. Because, yeah, he’d hope that Dumbledore viewed him as a better leader than the death-eater wannabes with their pureblood, entitled parents who thought the whole world and all of its advantages belonged to their children before they’d so much as learned which direction to point a wand. It was hard to come to terms with the reality that he belonged to a parent like that himself.

“James, I want to stress again that you have exceeded my every expectation. Just an outstanding job. Please view my decision in the light with which it was intended. I gave you an opportunity and you have done wonderfully with it. You should be proud,” Dumbledore said. His words were falling on deaf ears.

Blandly, James said, “Sir, do you think it would be possible to use your fireplace to floo my parents? I’d like to discuss this with them.”

Having lived a long life and witnessed no small number of horrors, Albus Dumbledore was not someone to easily become distressed. That said, he regarded James with clear regret, saddened by the revelation he had unwittingly dropped on the young man. Even age was not a sufficient enough aid to prevent insensitivity.

The cat was out of the bag as it were, however, so Dumbledore had no choice but to do his best to remedy the situation. With a firm pat to James’ shoulder, Dumbledore said, “I needed to speak with Professor Ames about the career fair. If you were to stay in my office while I kip down to hers and just so happened to drop some of the floo power – in the third drawer on the left – into my fireplace, I’m sure no one could possibly fault you.”

“Thanks, sir,” James said, wishing he could sound more genuine, but in the face of what he’d learned, he just sounded wooden.

Dumbledore lingered at the door, clearly torn as to whether he should intervene more. “Remember that everyone needs forgiveness sometimes, James. A second chance is the most valuable favor we have to give, made all the greater for how hard it is to part with.” With that the old wizard swept out of the room.

The floo powder was exactly where Dumbledore had said it would be, though James sat for a few more minutes in stunned silence before he could gather up the resolve to look for it. He removed only a pinch of the valuable powder and let it slide through his fingers, watching emotionlessly as the flames in Dumbledore’s fireplace transformed from an incandescent orange to an unnatural green. Then, he shoved his head without caution into the fire.

His head popped out in the family drawing room. Everything was as he remembered it, except for a new bookshelf, half empty as his father must have been in the middle of transferring the books over. Looking around the abandoned room, James realized there was a very real possibility that no one would be home on a Friday evening. With their friendship and opinions sought widely, the Potters spent every Friday evening dining out with some family or other. If they weren’t home, James wasn’t sure what he would do. Would calling for a house elf and leaving a scathing message for his father be a little too childish? It sickened James that even after all he’d learned he was still running through scenarios as to how to earn his father’s approval.

“Hullo! Mum! Dad!” James hollered, the force of his breath causing the flames to flicker out in front of him. When silence greeted him, he shouted again, louder. James could make a ruckus when he wanted to.

This time, James heard a surprised call of his name.

“I’m in the drawing room!” James shouted, recognizing his mother’s breathy voice.

The woman came running with a sprightliness that should have been impossible considering her advanced years. She had the wide-eyed look of someone expecting the worst. She wore dress robes, indicating that she was probably on her way out for one of the aforementioned dinners with friends, and her grey hair had been swept up into an elegant side twist. A sapphire glittered at her throat. “James! What are you doing here? Are you hurt? Is it Sirius? Tell me what happened!”

“No, Mum, no one’s hurt,” James said quickly. He felt instantly regretful, not having considered that his mother would assume there was an emergency if he just popped out of the fireplace. “I wanted to talk to Dad.”

“Your father? He’s having drinks at the Crouch’s. James, tell me what’s going on,” his mother ordered.

“It’s really something between me and Dad,” James said, unwilling to drag his sweet, unsuspecting mother into this debacle.

Finally convinced that there was no emergency, Euphemia Potter grew suspicious. “James Fleamont Potter, did you break into a professor’s office to floo your father?”

“No,” James said, rolling his eyes. “I was speaking to Dumbledore, and he told me something that…well, I need to talk to Dad, and Dumbledore let me use his fireplace.”

“Are the three of you keeping secrets from me now?” Euphemia asked.

None of this was going the way James had hoped. He wanted to rage at his father, to demand answers, but all he felt was guilt. Guilt for frightening his mother, and now more for keeping secrets from her. While James had long ago stopped telling his mother everything – Remus’s secret, anything involving girls, anything involving the trouble he and his mates got up to – he’d never entirely adjusted to keeping them. At least where his mother was concerned.

“Would you like me to pass along a message to your father?” Euphemia offered.

Something about the way she said his name sparked James’ anger all over again, so he said heatedly, “Yeah, you can tell him that I know how I got Head Boy, and I think he could use a little class.”

‘A little class’ wasn’t close to the message James actually wanted to send his father, but this was his mother he was talking to. He couldn’t exactly sound off against her husband with the kind of language that was brimming on his tongue. His mother would ruin his Christmas holiday with her chastisements.

“This is about your father helping secure you the Head Boy position?” Euphemia asked, sounding completely lost about why James was angry, less so about what his father had done. James wouldn’t qualify realizing his mother was in on it as a shock, but he would call it a disappointment.

“You _two_ bought me the position!” James cried.

Utterly unrepentant, Euphemia threw her hands up and said, “Of course we did what we could! We want you to have every advantage. Head Boy will read very well when you’re interviewing for a position someday.”

“How does Head Boy read well if it’s just bought? It doesn’t say anything about me. It just says that my parents have more money than everyone else!” James said.

Euphemia sank gracefully into the straight-backed chair closest to the fire. Their house elf, Edgar (because his parents had never believed in giving house elves infantilizing names as if they were pets unlike most of their pureblood contemporaries), appeared at her elbow, offering her a drink. She took the tea without glancing down at the helpful elf. Edgar didn’t notice though because he was too busy waving happily at James. Feeling oddly disconnected, James gave his friendliest wave back.

“James, my love, you deserved to be Head Boy. Your father and I just did what we could to help Dumbledore see the same,” Euphemia said like it was perfectly reasonable.

“I wasn’t even a prefect,” James said. It was incredible that he’d never suspected his parents involvement up until now when he considered the evidence. James had never heard of a non-prefect becoming Head Boy.

Euphemia waved her hand, the one not occupied with her tea, dismissively. “It doesn’t matter. You earned it.”

“No I didn’t! I didn’t earn anything!” James bellowed.

Edgar gave a noticeable jump, and Euphemia raised her hand to her heart. In seventeen years, James had never yelled at his mother like that. In seventeen years, he couldn’t remember ever being as frustrated with her though.

“James, lower your voice,” his mother said fiercely.

“No!” James said just as loud. The emotion that had been building in him had spilled over, and there was a momentum building that would be hard to stop. “I’ve served more detentions than just about anyone in the school! I coast through half my classes! I’m a wise-arse attention seeker! How did I earn anything? I’m not qualified. It should have gone to someone like Remus before me! To Paul Wright! There _were_ people who earned it, mother!”

“Nonsense! You’ve been doing such a good job as Head Boy! Horace wrote me just the other day to tell me that you’ve been taking an interest in all your classes, planning events, that the students respect you! I knew you’d be phenomenal and you are!”

“That’s just because I’m trying to impress the Head Girl! That’s not –”

“Oh, that Lily Evans? It’s been a while since you spoke about her, but Sirius told me that you still fancied her. Do you think you could send me a picture? I’d love to see how she’s grown up, but Sirius has refused. I need to get a look at the girl that’s captured my son’s attention so absolutely,” Euphemia said, almost pleasantly. The only clue that she was still upset was the shaking of her saucer as she lifted her teacup to her lips.

James refused to allow himself to be diverted although there was probably a lot that he could have said about how his mum had no business asking about for pictures of Lily and how she shouldn’t be quizzing Sirius on James’ actions. Instead he said, “You couldn’t have known I would do a good job. I didn’t deserve anything.”

Perhaps by sheer repetition she would grow to understand James’ point.

“You are my son! Of course, you deserved it,” Euphemia said.

“Why? Because I’m a pureblood? Did I deserve it because our heritage goes back generations?” James asked nastily.

His mother recoiled visibly. “James! Of course not! Blood has nothing to do with it! What do you think of your father and me?”

“I don’t know! But it’s kind of hard to tell the difference. You’re acting like I deserve more than everyone else because we’re an old family! How is that any different than the way the Blacks think? Guess what, muggleborns will never deserve as much by your reasoning. They don’t have parents who can buy positions for them!”

“All…all a parent wants…” Euphemia trailed off and it occurred to James that his mother might start crying. “Is it so terrible that I want you to have everything? That’s all I want! For you to have the world, my love! Does that make me so terrible?”

James swallowed back his panic at seeing his mother so upset and said, “It’s just not fair.”

“Since when has fairness mattered? How could you ask a mother to not use every resource at her disposal to help her son?”

James had grown up on the lesson that fairness had nothing to do with it. That throwing away an advantage or opportunity just because it wasn’t offered to everyone was foolish, wasteful. But James knew too many people at Hogwarts now to continue on with that point of view. People like Lily didn’t have a person in their corner, they had to fight for everything, earn it against people who were willing to cheat at the game and people who were trying to destroy her. People like Remus lived with such a handicap and fought on, not letting it phase them. People like Sirius threw away their advantages rather than live within the shackles that came with them. Being born lucky shouldn’t be all that mattered. There was value in fairness.

“I really, really wish you hadn’t done it,” James said.

“Would you like me to call your father back from the Crouches?” Euphemia asked. She hefted her considerable weight – losing the added kilograms of pregnancy was a thousand times as difficult when the pregnancy occurred in a woman’s eighties – to the side as she crossed her legs.

James pretended that a speck of soot drifted into his eye to give him an excuse to rub his face and not look at his mother. Talking to his mum had served as a great preliminary for what a conversation with his dad would look like. Namely, zero understanding of the root of James’ disgust. All he’d get from a conversation with his father would be simmering frustration and an encroaching sense of self-doubt. Hearing his father’s soft voice, gently guiding James back to reason, would cause James to start to wonder whether or not he was overreacting. He’d return his head to Dumbledore’s office with nothing resolved anyway.

So, he said, “No, that’s…no it’s okay, Mum. I’m sorry I upset you.”

“No, I’m glad you came. If you’re ever concerned, I want you to talk to me,” Euphemia said, undoubtedly believing her own words even as James knew that she wouldn’t want to face the opinion James was forming of her.

“I love you,” James said sincerely.

His mother gave a startled laugh. “Wow, I’m not used to hearing that anymore.”

“Oi, that’s not fair!” James said. He told his mother that he loved her every time he saw her at King’s Cross, whether because he was boarding the train or returning home. That was a whole four times a year…which, he supposed wasn’t actually that many. “Regardless, I do. I love you.”

“I love you too, my love,” Euphemia said. “Make sure you give my love to Sirius when you see him as well.”

“I will.”

“And Remus.”

“Will do.”

“And Peter. Make sure you write me once he’s out of the Hospital Wing. Do you think I should send along some desserts in the meantime? I could have Edgar make something.”

“Sure, I think Peter would appreciate that.”

“Oh! And be sure to send me that picture of Lily Evans.”

“Not on your life.”

With that, James pulled his head out of the flames and returned to Dumbledore’s office. Perched on his knees before the fireplace, he rubbed frantically at his arms. He was freezing. Floo powder rendered flames harmless, but it didn’t change the fact that he’d just been sitting in a fire. The headmaster’s office felt like the tundra by comparison.

Dumbledore wasn’t back, which was a good thing. James didn’t think he could bear to face the curious sympathy his headmaster would offer. That in mind, he decided to clear out before the old wizard could return.

The corridors were full of students even though curfew wasn’t far off, but that was a Friday night for you. Everyone was in a rush to get to their weekend plans before Filch began prowling the halls with detention on the mind. Not that the caretaker bothered to wait until curfew officially began. From experience, James knew that Filch was probably hunched over the fifth floor staircase, which would give him a straight look down at all of the students below – Mrs. Norris purring in his arms – while he daydreamed about the brats he would catch that night. Sometimes he’d shout threats down at the students who were making their way to the dormitories, counting down the minutes until he could nab them.

On his walk back to Gryffindor Tower, James lost himself in daydreams about just how he could make Filch suffer. It was better than thinking about his parents. James’ greatest ambition was to kidnap Mrs. Norris. He’d never suggest they do something threatening to the cat, but it would be funny to see Filch running around for a few hours. Sirius would never go for anything that involved Mrs. Norris, of course, because he called it ‘animal cruelty’ and would rather string James up by his toes than the treacherous cat.

So lost in his thoughts, James almost missed the fact that Regulus was heading towards him, flanked by several of his Slytherin friends, or more appropriately, cronies.

“Hey, Potter! I hope you remember what we talked about last week. I’m getting impatient,” Regulus said. He didn’t slow, indicating that he intended to just keep on walking past James with that warning in place. Unsurprisingly, James didn’t take that well.

He was too charged up after everything that had happened with his parents to let a challenge like that slide. James snagged a length of Regulus’s robes and used them to haul Regulus around and into the wall. The younger boy’s back collided heavily, and James laid his hand against the top of Regulus’s chest to keep him in place. The other Slytherins made a lot of noise about that, drawing their wands and promising to hex James into Mungo’s unless he released Regulus immediately. Regulus was the only one to remain silent.

“I’m sick of you and your reminders,” James growled. “Sirius is his own fucking person. If you want him to do something, talk to him because I’m not going to sway him back to your perverse, little family. You hear me?”

“We talked about this already,” Regulus sneered, “You’re holding him hostage with his fear of disappointing you. He needs his family!”

“And I’ll keep doing it!” James shouted, shaking Regulus a little bit by the shoulders. “If I’m what’s holding Sirius back, then good! Your parents may think that they’re helping the two of you, but they’re not. All the meddling and entitlement, it’s just fucked up. It’s just wrong!”

James wasn’t just talking about the Blacks anymore.

Not wanting to continue the conversation, James released Regulus. To his surprise, however, Regulus reached immediately for his wand. James’ reflexes were fast, but he already had at least three trained on him, so an Expelliarmus sent by one of Regulus’s lackeys sent his wand flying. What James had been too blind to see while he was raging over his own issues, was that Regulus had been pushed over the edge. What James ought to have remembered was that Regulus truly believed that Sirius would be safest and happiest back amongst this family. That he loved his brother and wanted what was best for him even as he misjudged it completely. Of course hearing James proudly state that he’d do everything in his power to keep Sirius away from the Blacks would send Regulus to a dark and dire place.

“Nothing to say now?” Regulus hissed.

Under normal circumstances, James probably would have taunted him. It wasn’t like he had a reason to feel genuinely afraid. Despite his anger, Regulus wasn’t going to start throwing dark curses in the hallways. The worst he’d get was knocked on his arse. But in the wake of his own realization, James felt genuine pity for the boy before him. Family was a tricky business, and James couldn’t find the words to express what he felt.

“Give him the letter,” Regulus ordered.

“I burnt it,” James lied, aware that it would egg Regulus on, but unwilling to continue this drama into November. Walburga could always write another one.

Mouth pinched into an ugly line, Regulus raised his wand. “Unda –”

“Expelliarmus!”

Regulus’s wand went flying in a graceful arc from his hand to someone standing behind James’ back. He didn’t have to look to know who. He’d recognize that voice anywhere.

The three Slytherins all turned their attention to Lily who now brandished her own wand in her right and held Regulus’s in her left. With a righteous indignation plain on her face that only Lily could summon and her red hair loose down to her sides, she looked like a knight ready to ride into battle.

“No dueling in the corridors,” Lily said shortly. “I won’t take points because you didn’t finish that spell, but don’t test me.”

James could see the risk analysis whirling through his opponents’ heads. Formidable thy name was Lily Evans, and she had the power of the Head Girl position behind her, which meant that any fight with her was going to make its way back to the staff. That said, the fight was three to one (one and a half if James counted himself, unarmed but still capable of throwing a punch). If they all started firing curses now, they could take out Lily and then find a way to slither out of trouble later.

And Regulus wanted a fight. James could see it in his eyes. The slightly unstable yearning that took no stock of consequences that sometimes appeared when Sirius was in the middle of a prank requiring Remus to talk him back down, it was there in Regulus too.

The goons (thought to be fair they were probably actually just Regulus’s friends, not lackeys) were split down the middle. One seemed bristling for a confrontation, all the more outraged that someone like Lily dared intervene. The other looked ready to walk away, bored and finding the whole thing a little bit distasteful.

“There are three of us,” the belligerent one said confidently. “What are you going to do about anything?”

“Even if you win, I’ll report you. So unless you’re comfortable spending the rest of term in detention, or you’re willing to kill me here in the corridor, I think I’m set,” Lily shrugged. She needed lessons on how to appear arrogantly casual because while her shrug suggested disinterest, the rest of her body language showed that she was taut as the string on a violin.

“Memory charms exist,” the same boy said nastily.

Lily raised an eyebrow. “You’d have to be very good at them, or Dumbledore will just reverse it. Do any of you have that kind of practice?”

Given the situation, it was entirely inappropriate, but James found himself less worried about their assailants and a little more turned on than was strictly advisable. Man he loved when Lily went toe to toe with an arrogant wanker, all that confidence on display. For most of their time at Hogwarts, the arrogant wanker had been him, and he’d taken a masochistic joy in every time she tore him apart. He sighed dreamily.

Perhaps unearned, he had complete faith that Lily could handle herself. If the Slytherins wanted to win, they should have brought another twelve of their friends.

Regulus rolled his neck, a tick to reign in his temper. The Blacks weren’t known for their noteworthy control over their emotions – in fact, just about all of them were known for near-hysterical outbursts when riled with Narcissa coming to mind as the only exception – but, for Regulus it seemed to work. “No need for this to get ugly. I have places to be.”

“My wand?” James said, holding out his hand. The reasonable one had disarmed him, so he passed it over without much fuss. A hum pulsed through his palm and jolted down to his toes at the feeling of being reconnected with his wand. He could leave his wand to shower or play Quidditch or any other manner of activities, but those were by choice. Having it taken against his will had left him feeling defenseless on a visceral level, like the wand was calling to him from across the corridor.

“Letters can be rewritten, Potter,” Regulus called as he rounded the corner and out of sight. “And guard dogs get tired.”

James didn’t need to be told as much. He already knew that in the game of gatekeeping he was playing between Sirius and his family, he was bound to screw up eventually. While Regulus hadn’t won their confrontation, James didn’t feel like he could boast a victory either and his body slumped visibly in defeat. Lily, taking note of his desolate posture, rubbed his shoulder gently.

“Hey, you okay? It’s just the Slytherins. Nasty wankers every one of them,” Lily said, purposefully roughening her language to bolster him.

James laughed mirthlessly. “I know I’m just…I’ve had a bad day.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Lily offered, lips puckered in genuine concern.

“I don’t know if talking would do much good,” James said honestly.

“Want to get drunk and forget all about it?” Lily amended.

That caught his interest. “I might have a thing or two back in the dorms.”

“Actually, that’s not what I had in mind.”

With a flourishing motion, Lily parted her robes so that she held the edges out to the sides like wings. Dangling out of every pocket were half a dozen bottles of wine. Her smile was so expansive it took up half the real estate of her face.

“What the hell have you been up to? Aren’t those heavy?” James huffed out in a surprised laugh.

“Suspension spells. They weigh next to nothing,” Lily explained proudly. “And they’re from Slughorn’s personal stores. I swapped them out with grape juice because I knew he was entertaining some former students tonight.”

“Devious and to your favorite professor, too,” James said, hand to his heart in faux-disappointment.

Lily cocked her head to the side. “I left him his case of firewhiskey. I’m sure he’ll be fine. Besides, I’ve never had a glass of wizarding wine before. Everything at parties is always shitty firewhiskey and those ridiculous drinks you Marauders cooked up. I wanted to try it out.”

Lifting one of the bottles out of her pocket to examine it, James said absently, “I do appreciate a prank that doubles as useful…and our drinks are not ridiculous! They’re right clever!”

“Well, you should be sure to remember that for when we’re tallying up points at the end of this,” Lily said perkily.

In the wake of his very obvious failures as an illegitimate Head Boy, hearing about the damn bet was not at all welcome. It put a strain on his fraying temper that had him snapping, “Who cares about that anymore? What does it matter?”

“Well, I do…” Lily said, blinking up at him like he’d just started sucking his thumb in the middle of the corridor or something equally inexplicable and distasteful.

“But why?” James demanded.

The answer felt as vital as oxygen to him just then. He needed to know what was left to prove to each other. Because she’d more than exceeded his expectations, showcasing a talent for mischief and a lighthearted zest for fun that delighted him at every turn. There was nothing she could do over the next few days that would change that for him. Which meant all that was left for her was the need to beat him, and the thought of it left him sickened because whether she knew it or not, she’d already won. He could never match her as Head Girl when he wasn’t even a proper Head Boy. Maybe James was the one with something left to prove, and she was still searching to see if he could meet her standards. He clenched his fist around a handful of his robes.

“Don’t you think we owe it to ourselves to see this through?” Lily questioned back in disbelief. “After everything we’ve put into this…to just give up…”

“But it doesn’t matter!” James tried again. “It never had a point. The two of us just bitching at each other, and then messing around for a month because Hogwarts is boring and we needed a distraction…and I don’t even know. I think I’m rambling. I don’t know if I’ve ever rambled before! Merlin, what’s happening to me?”

Lily forced him to look up from where his gaze was pointed at a spider web clinging to the wall, cradling his head in both hands. She had to bend up on her tip toes to reach him. Steady and strong, she said, “James, this bet has meant everything the past month. We would never have talked to each other without it. None of this, us, would have happened. And I don’t know about you, but this has been the best thing that’s happened to me in well, a long time.”

Believing in the promise of her words was difficult, his faith in her as fragile as a butterfly’s wing in a hurricane, but only because it was hard to believe she could feel as intensely about them as he did. Since the moment he’d entered Hogwarts, Lily Evans had been sneaking up on him with footsteps so quiet she might as well have been walking on air. James wouldn’t qualify his feelings towards Lily this whole time as love, nothing of the sort, but then in this past month…it wasn’t normal to go from practical strangers to this kind of intimacy in such a short time. It wasn’t how people operated.

But here they both were, and her eyes, bolstering and king, held a million promises. Every one of which he wanted to cling to forever. Time didn’t matter. Not for them.

“Listen, I wasn’t planning anything special with these. Maybe just to eat some chocolate and chat with the girls, but I think you could use it more. Astronomy Tower?” Lily suggested.

There were several reasons James should say no. He had a moping mate who’d just been dumped and was in bed with the sun barely set on Friday. He had another mate who had a wand stuck up his arse because he’d never learned to share his toys or his friends. A mate who if James stopped to think for half a second he would remember was still acting pissy and could use a good evening of bonding in addition to the fun he’d guaranteed for tomorrow.

But there was one good reason to go, and she was standing right in front of him with the promise that all of his worries, all of his hurt was going to drip away under her tender care like an overturned bottle of wine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A couple quick points of order:
> 
> First, in case anyone is left offended by what transpired in this chapter, I believe James earned his Head Boy position in canon. It’s just for the purposes of this story and James’ growth.
> 
> Second, Merry Christmas everyone! One of my reviewers suggested I ought to post two chapters this week in celebration, and since I’m working on the final chapters right now, I figured they were right. So I’ll be posting the follow-up to this one on Friday as would be normally scheduled.
> 
> I’m a big fan of this chapter so review and let me know what you think!


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone didn’t look there was another chapter posted on Tuesday, so you’ll want to read that one first. Enjoy!

**October 28, 1977**

The astronomy tower at night was a place that could set the libido racing of any boy in Hogwarts. It was filled with too many late-night associations of ill lit trysts, of flashes of skin rendered milky and blue by a beam of moon cast from the glass dome that was the ceiling. Even before James had brought his first girl into the tower it had been filled with the spirit of a thousand other students’ covert meetings, a social memory that felt every bit as real as a made one of his own and left him trembling at the possibilities long before he was old enough to understand what he would one day want.

Some of the sensuous appeal of the tower was limited in the winter. Students rarely frequented the tower in the colder months as it was nearly impossible to get a girl’s top off in a room exposed to the harsh elements, but James still loved it. Loved it as much as any place in the castle. There was something about being so high, the thrill of dangling his legs over the open parapet – left so dangerously open to leave room for the telescopes to point out towards the Black Lake – and know that it would be a matter of a slight push to go falling through the abyss into nothingness. He always wondered whether or not he’d die before he hit the ground. That was the way he’d want to go. Mind shuddering to an abrupt stop as his body fell and fell.

Lily released a muffled gagging noise as she pulled the bottle of Goblin wine from her lips. She sat beside him, cross-legged and wincing. They were perched at the very edge of the parapet – a very inadvisable place for drinking – with James’ legs dangling loosely into the empty space beyond the edge of the castle floor. The night wasn’t too cold ignoring the wind-chill, but ignoring the wind-chill was impossible as the air stirred about them viciously, gusts pelting them unforgivingly in the face. To survive it, they were bundled beneath their robes, sides rubbing against each other with each swaying breath. Lily’s hair was blown out behind her in a chaotic tangle that made her face look almost elfinly tiny in comparison.

“Final verdict,” Lily declared. “Goblin wine is disgusting. Wow, it’s just vile.”

Deciding it was best not to tell her just how expensive the bottle she’d stolen actually was – somewhere in the realm of fifty galleons – James said, “You’ve only tried the one. Maybe a different brand will fit your tastes better.”

“I don’t know what my tastes are, but I can tell you what they’re not: thick and bitter,” Lily said, eyeing the bottle with loathing. Despite her expressions of displeasure, she still brought the bottle to her lips for another swig. Her mouth was wet when she pulled it back and passed it over to him.

Without wincing though he agreed this particular brand was on the unpleasant side, James took his own gulp from the bottle. The liquid ran languidly down the back of his throat, the downside of the viscous thickness of it, but the effects at least were immediate. It was like the world was in black-and-white one moment, and then he blinked and it was in color the next. That was the advantage of goblin wine; it didn’t get you particularly drunk, but it made the world sharper, focused your senses until you wondered how you’d ever survived walking around half-blind.

“Oh! I have some party favors that might be fun. I think the moment calls for it,” Lily said excitedly, rustling about in her satchel. James swore he was going to topple off the tower and to his untimely death if she pulled out a baggy full of white powder.

She didn’t.

Rather, Lily surfaced with a half-dozen bronze disks, each one smaller than a first-year’s fist and flat as a sheet of parchment. While James hadn’t an inkling what they might be, Lily was clearly very proud of them, presenting them for his inspection like she’d captured the snitch. When he reached out a finger to touch one, she grabbed him the wrist and urged him to stop.

“Oh, you don’t want to do that. Might set if off,” Lily warned.

“What are they?”

“Magical land mines! Mines are, well they’re a muggle weapon that soldiers lay on the ground. If an enemy steps on them, they explode. It’s actually rather ghastly. The explosion usually takes a limb…or the unfortunate person’s life…” James imagined his face had gone from perplexed to deeply concerned because Lily rushed forward to add, “Not that _these_ explode!”

“Then what do you they do?” James asked, gingerly picking one up by the bottom, the same way Lily had held them.

“Just harmless gag spells,” Lily said simply. “So when someone steps on one flowers might bloom underfoot…or out of their ear. Stuff like that.”

James’ favorite part of the prank, as he considered its merits, was the impartiality of the victims. Short of dropping them all outside a specific house’s door – and James was more than happy to volunteer the dungeons for this one – there would be no way to control who triggered the prank. It was truly egalitarian, recognizing neither friend nor foe.

“The charms work is nothing, but I had to ask Mary for help on the transfiguration. It’s really brill what she managed,” Lily explained.

James examined the disks more carefully. They appeared pretty straightforward. No matter how much Lily may struggle in Transfiguration, he refused to believe she couldn’t manage transforming a napkin into a flat disk. That was second-year material there.

“What were they initially?” James asked.

“Oh, knuts!”

James nearly dropped the thing off the tower in his shock. The Gringotts goblins reportedly spelled all of their currency so that it would be impossible to perform magic on them. To alter any aspect of a knut should have been impossible. Mary must have spent hours working to bypass the protective spells for this.

“Wicked! Wasteful but wicked.”

“Oh, they’ll transform back when it’s all over. A kind of ‘thanks for playing’ for whoever steps on it,” Lily said.

“Paying people to like you so you win seems like cheating,” James said.

“I thought it didn’t matter who won?” Lily said pointedly. “Besides, I’d have to be stupid to turn to bribery. You could outspend me in a minute…Do you remember the auction?”

“No, I’ve forgotten,” James said sarcastically. It had only been a few weeks.

“I’d half expected you to start bidding on yourself when it became clear Dahlia was going to win,” Lily giggled.

“But instead you saved me.”

“I had to! I’d never seen anything as pathetic as you and Remus making desperate eyes at each other. You’d have thought you were headed to the guillotine. It was my civic responsibility to step in,” Lily said.

James thought about it for a second. “Nah, I reckon you were jealous.”

“ _Jealous_?”

“Yeah, I mean, you had to know what a great picnic date I was even back then. Didn’t want me showing off to any other girls,” James said.

“Um, no. More like I thought you and Remus were about to start sobbing and wanted to save that whole room from your pitifulness,” Lily said. “We should do that again sometime. Maybe in the spring once the weather warms up again.”

“Another picnic or another auction?” James clarified.

“Another auction. It was really great what you managed with that,” Lily complimented. She paused for a second, brows pulling down together before adding, “Though you shouldn’t be in that one. Just organize it.”

James scoffed. “Where’s your charitable spirit? I raised a ton of money for a good cause. Me specifically! I’m a hot commodity!”

“You can make a direct donation out of your own wallet if you’re so worried about it,” Lily said stiffly. “You’re not going on dates, picnic or otherwise, with any other girls.”

Speaking felt suddenly dangerous. He didn’t need Lily to tell him that seeing other girls was off limits. He’d made that decision for himself, and she’d readily reassured him that Carmichael was out of the picture. Still, to articulate it out loud, the exclusivity of their relationship, was meaningful.

James never allowed himself to picture what a real relationship with Lily might look like. Whenever his thoughts began to drift in that direction, he was always quick to swing shut a curtain that stopped the fantasies from forming. It wasn’t that difficult a thing to manage. Having a girlfriend wasn’t something he placed a lot of value on. He’d had several and never put too much stock into the relationship.

But Lily was…

Caring was stupid. What they were doing now was perfectly fulfilling, and he could convince himself that it was all he wanted or needed with a little effort. When he was upset Lily was there to lean on, when he was looking for a bit of fun she was happy to have a laugh, and when the night grew intoxicating she was soft and warm and willing in all the right ways. A label shouldn’t have mattered.

(It did.)

So, when Lily began talking about exclusivity, James heart began to beat in double time.

“Yeah?” James asked dumbly.

“Yeah.” Lily took a fortifying drag of wine. “You’re still not my boyfriend though.”

James didn’t think Lily meant to sound harsh when she spoke. But the effect was the same. Lacking any guidance on why she was so adamant on the dating point, James could only draw his own conclusions, none of them flattering. Everything came back to what he’d learned in Dumbledore’s office, the reality that he wasn’t nearly as deserving as he assumed and that everyone else but him could see it. Lily certainly saw something in him that gave her reservations. The somethings probably went something like: _James Potter is a spoiled, inconsiderate brat_.

Before he could be swept too far down the river of melancholia that threatened to overtake him, Lily changed the subject, “You want the honors?”

Lily offered him one of the disks and gestured out at the grounds. The disk certainly felt like a knut – cool and unyielding in his palm – but it was lighter, insubstantial. A knut with the same weight would disappear in his pockets and become lost forever. He pulled back his arm and hurtled the disk with all his might. Unlike a quaffle, the disk wasn’t designed to be thrown at such an angle, and it plummeted to the ground. It was like tossing an unfolded sheet of paper into the ether. Down below, James could just make out the metallic glint as it settled in the grass.

“You’ve got to do it like this,” Lily corrected. She pantomimed keeping the disk flat and then released it with a flick of her wrist. Whirring through the air, the disk soared over the grounds, slowly descending until it landed near the greenhouses.

“Cute idea,” James complimented as he followed suit with a second and more successful throw.

“Would you almost say that such a cute idea could only come from an equally cute person?” Lily asked, saccharine and sickening as an expired Pepper-up potion.

James grimaced. “You need some help with your joke construction, Evans, because that didn’t come close to funny.”

“Good think I wasn’t joking.”

James smirked at her cheekiness and felt some of the life returning to him. Slowly but surely, he was recovering from the disappointments of the day. That or he was just getting drunk.

With a great amount of pomp, Lily gave him permission to plant the final, charmed disk. He’d mastered the wrist flick, not dissimilar to releasing a Frisbee, on the last go, so he was looking for distance with this one. Like a benevolent mind reader, the wind picked up to assist. The disk arced naturally through the blue-black sky before getting caught up by a westward blowing gust that swept it further and further away. It lost its momentum over the Black Lack and fell out of the sky. From their distance and given the color of the lake, it was impossible to tell whether the disk was dense enough to sink or whether it floated listlessly along the water’s surface.

“Some fish is in for a surprise,” James remarked.

An almost hysterical bubble of laughter escaped Lily. It was all the warning he got before she began to cackle unrestrainedly. “I’m s-s-sorry. It’s just, I’m – Oh God – I’m picturing the Giant S-s-s-squid with flowers sprouting out of its ears!”

James chuckled too though his mood was bleak enough that he couldn’t join in full heartedly.  The woes of his day didn’t stop him, however, from appreciating how nice it was to see Lily laugh so joyously. Without affectation, she chortled, face red and hand placed desperately to her heart like she feared her mirth might kill her.

Earlier in the week, she’d been so devastated about the Shelia fall out that James had worried she might not recover, but that just wasn’t Lily’s way. She was vulnerable sure, but she had an elasticity too that allowed her to always bounce back, like a piece of cloth that had stretched to a new shape but remained as functional as ever.

When she was finally done laughing herself silly, Lily leaned more solidly against him as if he were her anchor back to the realm of the dry and the serious. James wrapped his arm around her easily. It was hard then to imagine ever losing their natural affection, too easy to picture Lily responding with sympathy and understanding to his troubles rather than the smug derision from his worst nightmares. He wanted to tell her.

And James had never been one to quake over the wisdom of his words before he spoke.

“I want to tell you why I was upset earlier,” James said.

Against him, Lily tensed – like she’d been waiting for this moment – but she didn’t pull away. James was grateful for that because it would be all too easy to tailor his story if he could make out the slightest bit of judgment in her eyes.

“I want to tell you. Plus, I guess you deserve to know since this is about me being Head Boy, and you’re the Head Girl. To some degree, I guess you’re caught up in this. Dumbledore called me into his office to talk about, well, I guess it’s not relevant. Just compliments about how he hadn’t thought I’d be such a decent Head Boy. Unimportant really. But he kind of let slip something…” James hesitated on the big reveal. “The only reason Dumbledore made me Head Boy is because my parents paid him to do it.”

James waited for an outraged response that never came. Steady and unmoving, Lily remained nuzzled into his chest. Lack of response wasn’t indicative of a good reaction, and James couldn’t rule out the possibility that Lily had simply been stunned into silence. Disgusted silence. James took an unpleasantly large drink from the bottle.

“So that’s the truth of it,” James forced out. “I’m Head Boy in name only. I’ve never earned it or a damn thing in my life.”

“No need to be dramatic,” Lily said.

“ _What_?”

“Never earned a thing in my life,” Lily said, deepening her voice to imitate him. “Okay Mister Captain-and-star-player-of-the-house-team-and-veritable-Transfiguration-genius.”

“But that’s – fine, there are some things I’m alright at, but my parents basically stole this from someone else! And I’m spoilt and undeserving and –”

Lily finally reared back to stare at him, and she looked neither judgmental nor sympathetic. She looked skeptical; her head cocked to the left as she studied him.

Blinking several times like she had made a discovery but couldn’t quite believe it, Lily blurted out, “Are you being insecure?”

James really wasn’t sure how to respond to the question, hurtled like an accusation. “ _No_ , I’m questioning – and very reasonably too – how much I’ve taken for granted that might have been bought for me, and I’m reflecting on how I’ve selfishly taken advantage of the unfairness in the world.”

“Oh my God, you are!” Lily gasped. “Stop it this second! It’s weird!”

In her defense, very few students in the school had the depth of imagination to picture James wracked with insecurities. A certainty of his place in the world coupled with a confidence in his abilities to fill it had granted James an abnormal amount of self-assurance for a person of any age. James, however, would argue – to Lily or anyone else – that the concern he now displayed was a reasonable and almost penitent reassessment of his life, not bald insecurity.

Unfortunately, no one had ever been particularly successful when it came to arguing with Lily.

“Say five things you think you’re good at. Right now,” Lily ordered.

James sighed, “Lily –”

“Now!”

Feeling bullied and altogether petulant, James bit out the first thing that came to mind, “I’m good at taking tests.”

“Yes! Good one. You hardly have to study to score well, and when you do, you earn phenomenal marks. Don’t think I didn’t notice the ‘O’ you managed on McGonagall’s exam yesterday, and that one was a killer,” Lily said with abundant animation. “And what else?”

Kicking his feet out petulantly so that they would scrape loudly against the stone, James said, “And what you said about the Quidditch, I guess.”

“You guess or you know?” Lily said fiercely.

“I know. I’m the best chaser in the school,” James admitted.

“Only the best chaser? The James of yesterday would have said he was the best player here,” Lily pointed out.

“It’s hard to compare a chaser to a seeker to a beater, but…I suppose an argument could be made that I’m the best,” James said, suppressing the smile that tried to break past his surliness at having his flying acknowledged.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you were the best player in a hundred leagues,” Lily said supportively.

“And how would you know?” James challenged.

“I’ve seen you fly, and you’re brilliant. I know I don’t know much about Quidditch,” Lily said, holding up a hand to stop him from reminding her of just that fact, “but I can still watch the way you move, and…well, you’re beautiful up there. The other players look like they’re maneuvering around on wooden sticks, but you look like you’re actually flying. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

James shivered. The unintentional physical shudder gave him the excuse he needed to disengage for a moment, pulling out his wand to cast a warming spell over the both of them. The artificial heat granted none of the comfort that came with naturally warming up in a shower or under the hot rays of the sun, but it would ward off the worst side effects of an autumn night. Lily stretched her arms out gratefully as they’d been cramped tightly to her sides in an effort to contain heat. His hopes that she’d drop the subject after the distraction, however, were immediately crushed.

“You know that you earned Quidditch Captain, right?” Lily said.

“Not like there was any real competition on the team,” James said. “Half the team graduated three years back, so I was one of the most senior members, and I was the only big scorer.”

Lily scoffed. “The best players in the past thirty years could have all been on the team and McGonagall still would have chosen you. James, you’re genuinely excellent at it. Everyone says as much. Back when we still talked, Shelia said you were completely mad making them practice so much but that the team wouldn’t try harder for anyone else alive. And I think Henry would throw himself in front of a bullet for you he talks about you so much. It’s all ‘best Captain this’ and ‘the Captain said that.’”

“Fine, so I earned Captain,” James said begrudgingly. “Can that count for my third answer?”

Lily considered it for a moment. “You know what, I don’t think it can. I practically gave it to you, and it’s too related to number two. Give me something else.”

“I’m good at painting,” James blurted out without thinking.

“Really?” Lily said with a level of surprise that completely derailed the point of their exercise in confidence boosting.

“Yeah,” James said, running a sheepish hand through his hair. “It’s my mum’s thing. She likes to paint, so I do a few every holiday.”

“I never would have thought you’d have a talent for something like that. Not that you’re not talented! Just that you never seem to sit still for three minutes. I don’t know how you could manage it long enough to paint something,” Lily said, hurrying to assure him as she neared the end.

“No, I know, I’m fidgety, but I don’t do still-lifes. Nothing I paint looks particularly realistic. I just draw what’s in my head, and it ends up looking okay.”

“I want to see some,” Lily said eagerly.

“I’m not like a prodigy or anything,” James hedged.

“Has Sirius seen them?” Lily demanded.

“Well, yeah.”

“Then, you have to show me. I want one for Christmas,” Lily announced.

“They’re not that good. Really, I just think I’m decent at it,” James said.

Lily grew silent and crossed her arm. She glared at him menacingly. Without any real anger behind it, her glare wasn’t nearly as intimidating as she likely intended. Instead, it was just damned cute, which was probably even more effective than straight bullying. Hard to say no to that pout.

“Not for Christmas. Like I said, I work on them over the holidays, but I could bring something back to school with me,” James offered.

The promise brought his mind to the inevitable confrontation with his parents over the holidays. Or rather, the reunion. He doubted he’d actually go through with calling his dad out on his behavior, and his mum would smother him with affection until the very idea of levelling a lukewarm glare in her direction seemed unforgivable. Things would just be tense, imperfect in a quiet, unspoken way that still somehow filled every room.

Under normal circumstances, painting with his mum was the definition of serenity. His mother had the uncanny ability to remain silent for hours at a time, and would sit by his side with eyes only for her painting. The activity was never lonely though. There was a camaraderie there that leant to a feeling of closeness with his mother that he didn’t find anywhere else. Just the two of them in the sun room, with the windows wide open and the radio set to play the sounds of the ocean.

She was a good woman, his mother, and the reminder wasn’t exactly welcome.

“But those things, everything I’ve listed, they don’t really matter,” James said in frustration, unable to continue thinking about his mother and the way her wrinkles seemed to soften in the light of the sun.

“Of course they matter! You should be proud, James,” Lily disagreed.

“No, they’re just…I’m smart and decent at sport and can paint. I was born talented. How is that any different than being born with money? None of that says anything about _me_. It’s just more proof that I was born lucky.”

He could tell he’d lost Lily entirely, but that wasn’t much of a surprise. Everything that Lily celebrated in herself was earned. She was a great student because she put in the hours of work. The position of Head Girl, which she valued so much, had been given to her because she’d earned it through tireless responsibility and consideration of her schoolmates. She took these things for granted.

“Look, it would be like me saying you should be proud that you’re gorgeous,” James tried. “You have no control over that, one way or another. You were born lucky, and it would be a shite thing if everyone thought that was what you should be most proud of, being born a certain way.”

Lily’s lips twisted in thought. After a few minutes of consideration, she said, “I could point out to you that a considerable amount of work goes into being Quidditch captain, and that you spend half your time practicing and mulling over strategies, but for the sake of argument, I’ll pretend you’re right. Tell me something you’ve earned, that you’re proud of, that has nothing to do with natural talent.”

“That’s the thing, I don’t know!”

“Come on, James, even back when I thought you were the most insufferable git to ever live, there was one thing that stood out to me about you that made me second guess myself. Surely you can recognize at least one area where you’re a phenomenal person. Honestly, maybe the best person I’ve ever met,” Lily urged when he didn’t immediately launch into a celebration of his successes as ordered.

For the first few moments of consideration, his mind remained stubbornly blank. In the days during which Lily had loathed him, she hadn’t exactly been showering him with praise. There were no hints hidden in their past conversations.

Trickling unbidden into his mind’s eye, a flash of images, one after another, helped an idea begin to take shape. There was Peter, round-faced and grinning after he’d trounced them all at Gobstones. He’d been nearly catatonic with joy when James had made fliers declaring him the greatest Gobstone expert in the first year class, so unused to being recognized for his accomplishments. Another from the night Sirius had shown up at the Potters, a bedraggled runaway. He had looked like a boy who had smiled his last. Less than an hour later, James had made Sirius laugh so hard he fell off the bed and the tears that came to his eyes hadn’t held a hint of despair. James remembered the Hospital Wing, the morning after the first time the Marauders had transformed and run with the werewolf. The reluctant cynicism Remus had displayed throughout the boys’ efforts to become animagi had disappeared, blossoming into disbelieving hope as he heard from Pomfrey that he’d escaped the night with nary a broken bone.

“I’m a good friend,” James answered quietly. It felt like he’d solved the greatest riddle of his life.

“Yeah, you really are. Whenever I’d start to think you were irredeemable, I’d remember you had all these people who loved and trusted you. Then, I’d figure I must be missing something. That you couldn’t be all bad,” Lily said.

“You never let on that you thought I was anything but the school menace,” James grumbled.

“I play my cards close to my chest,” Lily said breezily. Then, more seriously, “Being a half way decent friend is hard, and you’re not just good, you’re brilliant. There’s nothing inherited about it. You’re a good person, a good person who goes above and beyond when it’s for someone you care about.”

In spite of all the self-loathing he’d given into, James couldn’t think of a single argument to counter with. He’d never trust someone else to take care of his friends, each with their own personal baggage that required careful managing on James’ part. Surely that meant he believed himself the only one capable, a real friend.

James sighed once more and laid down so he was prone on the floor with the ceiling straight above him. Without hesitation, Lily followed. He didn’t need to look to find her hand and twine theirs together. The ceiling with its high beams looked impossibly far away.

“You’re right, but I still shouldn’t have been made Head Boy,” James said.

“Yeah.”

“You don’t…” he had to force himself to ask the question even though it reeked of weakness. “Knowing doesn’t make you think less of me, does it?”

Lily rolled onto her side so that she could speak to him more directly. Her hair fell in one untamed mass over her shoulder.

“I’m not dating you because you’re Head Boy. Being Head Boy didn’t make me like you much if you recall. There are a thousand little things I admire about you, and the title doesn’t rank,” Lily said with a benevolence that was hard to believe.

Partially, it was difficult to trust her because he could remember how impressed she’d been after the auction. For maybe the first time, she’d looked at him with genuine respect. James would have fought a dragon to see that open admiration on her face again. He reminded her of the way she’d opened up to him after the event.

Rolling her eyes, Lily said, “James, that still had nothing to do with the title. I’ve been a prefect under two Head Boys, and I can tell you I never had much respect for either. At the auction, you blew me away with what you chose to do, what you accomplished. Not ever Head Boy worries over violence against women and actually tries to find a way to help. That was all you.”

Cautiously, James began to open himself up to the idea that Lily’s good opinion wasn’t some fragile thing that might be torn away at the merest slip up. She wasn’t a withholding person, so it didn’t make sense that he’d been viewing her in such terms. When Lily cared, she did so until the other person forced her to let go. If he’d somehow managed to carve out even the tiniest sliver of her heart for himself, then she wouldn’t be walking away from him anytime soon.

“Thanks for listening and talking me through everything. I think I may have overreacted a little,” James said.

“You think?” Lily snorted. “Only the best _chaser_ in school, my arse.”

“Yeah, it’s more like best non-pro player in the world, huh?” James said, managing a laugh at his own ridiculous. Judging between the different players wasn’t difficult, and he was clearly the best. Objectively speaking, of course.

He considered telling Lily a bit about his anger towards his parents as she’d proven once again to be exceptionally talented at soothing him, but he was tired of mulling over the depressing and parental woes were more Sirius’s realm. After a few beers and several reminders by Sirius about the toxicity of his own parents, James would recognize that there were worse things in the world than parents who wanted what was best for him.

“Feel better, baby?” Lily asked, and James smiled to himself at the endearment. He would be taking that as tacit permission to call her all manner of pet names in the future.

“Yeah. You’re amazing.”

“That’s right. Now tell me one more thing you’re proud of, that you think you’re good at,” Lily prompted, sitting back up with her legs crossed.

“Um, there’s really no need. I’m feeling better now, Lils. My confidence intervention can be over,” James said.

“Oh no you don’t,” Lily said, and she poked him in the chest, right over the center of his sternum. “You scared me with that insecurity rubbish, and I want to be good and sure that you’re back to the cocky boy I know.”

“And here I thought my being conceited was a problem to you,” James said.

Lily shrugged. “What can I say? I like you arrogant. It’s sexy.”

The smile that hadn’t left his face grew. “You want to know the fifth thing I’m proud of? What I think I’m really good at?” His free hand crept up her inner thigh, over the coarse material of her corduroy trousers. At his audacity, Lily chuckled, but she didn’t back down or move her hand away. He could feel the heat emanating off her as his hand slid higher and higher. “I think I’m really good at making you shake.”

Lily bit her lip, and it was clear she wasn’t playing now. “I think you’re pretty good at that too.”

Drawn to her like a niffler to gold, James sat up and kissed her. Then, he spent the next hour proving just how talented he really was.

 

Nothing was waiting for him back at Gryffindor Tower, so James didn’t return, rather parting ways with Lily once everything was over. She’d apparently promised the girls that they’d start work on their costumes for the Halloween feast, so she was effectively out of commission for the night. Sirius was likely off with Marlene since he thought James was busy. Remus was asleep. Peter in the Hospital. For a popular guy, James didn’t have many options on a Friday night.

He didn’t mind being alone though. He’d never been one to grow frantic in his solitude, maybe because his friends remained with him even when he was out of their presence, wards against loneliness. Whatever the reason, James found he actually enjoyed the chance to stroll the halls alone with nothing but his thoughts for company, and good company at that because he was right witty.

Adding the invisibility cloak would have been nice though. He would have worn it if Lily hadn’t stolen it for some prank she’d yet to confess to. The absence of it meant he had no protections against patrolling professors who might give him a detention. Four out of five professors he could convince to let him off with just a warning. He was positively silver-tongued, but there was always that one who wouldn’t hear an excuse. And then there was Filch.

James did still have access to the map, so he was using that to avoid any unfortunate run-ins, but it was still an inconvenience. He wanted to let his brain shut down, to just follow the natural path of his footsteps, wherever they may decide to take him. So long as the little dot that represented Filch stayed on the second floor, however, James would have to stay alert.

While he wasn’t discontent exactly, there was a melancholy to his wanderings that was abnormal for him. He chalked it up to boredom. Talking about painting with his mother had made him itch for something productive to do, but for once he was struggling to come up with an idea: pranking was now Lily’s territory, he was too tired to fly or run through the forest as a stag, getting wasted alone on a Friday was pathetic, and he was nowhere near desperate enough to consider studying.

His dismissal of a night spent buried in books did eventually lead him to the perfect idea. The issue wasn’t books themselves, but rather the subject. Finding the door easy to unlock, James settled into the library for a few hours, table piled high with books on Quidditch stratagems. His choice certainly filled his desire to be productive. In the hours that passed in the library, he managed to nearly finish _Hathaway’s Holistic Approach to Teambuilding_ , and he’d read through the transcripts form a half dozen past World Cup matches. The loose sheets of parchment that he always carried about with him were filled to the brim with his notes and suggestions, the margins cramped with the unreadable scrawl of his plans. If his notes fell into enemy hands, his opponents would likely think he was writing in code, the notes were so illegible.

In all his years of yearning to be a member of the national team – buoyed by the kind of dreams where he’d be flown back to Hogwarts on a horse-drawn magic carpet so that all the kids could celebrate his victories and Lily would throw herself into his arms while every bloke around would sigh that they only wished they were so lucky – he had never considered the crop of careers that existed behind the scenes but still surrounding the pitch. Like Marlene and Alice, the career fair had shaken him. The chance to talk to the representative of the league had opened his eyes.

The man had been straightforward enough in his desire to keep James on his broom. In no small part, he was looking to recruit. The interest was of course flattering, but what James couldn’t tell the man was that he intended to spend his best flying years as an auror or “superhero” like Lily wanted and wouldn’t be a good fit for any team by the time the war was over. James had the buffer of time on his side, in that he knew how he would spend his years immediately after Hogwarts. What he didn’t know was what he would do when the matter of Voldemort was resolved.

Quidditch reporter was out. James didn’t much fancy the idea of being that divorced from the action, only ever remarking on the brilliance or error of others. For similar reasons, he couldn’t picture himself as an engaging commentator for the matches. Trainer was always an option. James would be excellent at putting the players through their paces to get ready before a season, improving their overall fitness as well as their throws, and that way, James could take some credit when a player pulled off something incredible, like say throw the Quaffle a clear one hundred meters. He could say, “Yeah, we’ve really been focusing on his arms lately. You can see it paying off.”

Of course, James wasn’t studying up on plays in the library because he wanted to be a trainer. That would just be the position that got him through the door. Then, he’d work his way up to strategy consultant, all in the hope of one day making his way to coach.

If Lily knew what he was thinking, she would probably punch him. He’d literally been bemoaning how he was an unfit captain less than three hours before, and now he was ready to declare more or less the same thing his lifelong aspiration. Human beings were funny like that.

James stretched languorously as he stood up. The night was still young, but James was about ready to declare his Friday over. Ending a weeknight so early kind of made him want to die, but he’d already spent an hour of it in the library, so clearly he just wasn’t the man he used to be. His only consolation was that Sirius was out with Marlene and wouldn’t be there to see him skulk in at barely midnight.

The funny thing about being in the library in the early hours of a weekend morning was that no one expected you to be there, so when James threw open the doors to leave, the person on the other side wasn’t expecting it and toppled backwards in their shock, books flying in every direction and bum landing gracelessly on the floor.

Looking furious, Severus Snape glared up at him like…well, liked James had slammed the doors into his chest and knocked him into the floor. With barely a downward glance, James began to walk past the sprawled out boy. Behind him, he could hear the sounds of Snape scrambling to pick up his fallen books. It made James pause. He shook his head at himself, a silent urge to keep walking, but he couldn’t resist the need to turn back and look. There was Snape, still bent over on his knees reaching in every direction for his fallen books. He couldn’t raise his head, humiliated once again by James.

The frustrating thing was that James hadn’t done anything wrong. There had been no intent on his part to see Snape embarrassed. All he’d done was open a door, and yet…

Sighing bitterly, James spun around and walked back to Snape. One of his books had slid half the length of the hall, so James picked it up and offered it to the fallen Slytherin. Snape looked up at him with a loathing so undiluted that James had to resist his own urge to fall back.

“What are you doing?” Snape asked after a long moment where he appeared torn between mocking James and biting the hand that held the book before his long nose.

“Sorry you fell,” James grunted out like the words hurt him. It wasn’t an apology, but it was true enough.

The book, still held out in James’ hand was ignored. Snape made no move to take it, no move to do anything at all. Unsure what to do, James awkwardly set the book down on the floor in front of Snape. He figured Snape would pick it up once he was out of sight.

“Right then, good night,” James said, generously choosing not to point out that Snape was out after curfew. (James was also out after curfew but _James_ was Head Boy.)

He turned to go, but once more was stopped, this time because Snape called out. “Is this about her?”

“ _What_?”

“I’m not going to tell Lily you were being nice to me, so there’s no point,” Snape said.

“I’m not trying to impress Lily,” James said, suppressing his eye roll with great effort.

Snape scoffed and hurried to his feet, clearly feeling this was a conversation he needed to have standing up. “I’ve seen how much you’ve been hanging around her lately. Everyone has.”

It was no secret to James that they’d failed at remaining discrete. In a few days’ time, Snape would know all about the relationship that was brewing between the two Heads, but James hesitated to mention that. Something told him that Lily would want to break that particular piece of news herself. Honestly, the fact that she hadn’t yet was kind of concerning. It opened up the possibility that Lily was in complete denial, and she’d regret letting the gossip mill inform Snape before she could spin it herself.

So, James said somewhat stiffly, “Lily and I are…we spend some time together, but I’m not trying to…I just picked up a book Snape. I don’t expect to score points with anyone for that.”

“Good because it hardly recommends you,” Snape sneered.

“Right,” James said, again trying to walk away.

“She’s still my friend, you know?” Snape called after him. “Lily won’t ever betray me by going for you.”

_You don’t know Lily like you think you do._

Those were the words that James was dying to lob back, but he resisted. The fastest way to end up on Lily’s blacklist would be to wreck things for her with Snape.

His self-control wasn’t perfect, however, because he couldn’t resist saying, direct and challenging, “Snape, I will never ask Lily to choose between us because I respect her and want her to be happy. If Lily had to choose, however, I like my odds.”

“Then you’re a fool,” Snape hissed.

“Maybe but you choose your friends over her every day of the week, and I’ve never put her in that position since we grew close,” James shrugged. “A word of advice, don’t make her choose, Snape.”

James would be lying if he said a pulse of pure satisfaction didn’t hum through his body at the sight of the wrath plain on Snape’s face. The git was furious, furious and silent because he recognized that there was nothing to say. James was right about Lily, and Snape had no leverage. For years, James had been longing for just this moment, a chance to put Snape squarely in place in regards to Lily.

How many nights had he fantasized about telling Snape that he was a jumped up bigot? He’d done just that on several occasions, but in his fantasies, the cherry on top was the way Lily would nod along, a crushing blow. When he was fourteen, James had been particularly fond of the one where Lily kissed him after that with Snape still watching. Merciless, Lily would inform the sobbing mess that was left of Snape that James was the better man in every regard – fitter, smarter, braver – and then the two Gryffindors would walk off hand-in-hand.

With age had come improved empathy, so James didn’t necessarily want to decimate Snape anymore. While James wished Snape nothing good in life, he couldn’t summon up any will to be the cause of the bad. The desire was still there, but it was always followed by a sickening rush of shame that roiled his gut. He’d been responsible for enough of Snape’s misery over the years.

That feeling was present in full force just then, ruining his moment of victory. The decent mood he’d been painstakingly building since he ran into Lily was poisoned. He’d have to go to bed feeling dirty, once again questioning his own morality.

“Just…don’t hurt her by bringing all this up,” James said wearily.

If he’d been standing in range, James was pretty sure Snape would have spit at him. As it was, Snape settled for a face-contorting sneer. James didn’t stick around to continue the confrontation (which somewhat pathetically qualified as the most civil conversation the two had managed in at least four years) and walked away. He wasn’t able to keep his pace slow and unaffected, too ready to gain some distance between himself and the walking personification of his mistakes.

It was hard not to run.

Once he had left the library far behind, taking the least direct route back to Gryffindor Tower possible by scaling two flights of stairs and choosing three unnecessary turns, James pulled out the Map. Filch was lurking on the sixth floor at the top of the staircase headed to Gryffindor Tower, which was a bit tricky, but James could circumvent that altogether by taking the hidden passage behind the portrait of the speared boar on the fourth floor. It had a ladder that went up three stories and would shoot him out on the floor above Filch. The Marauders rarely used it because the climb was a bit arduous. Peter would whine the whole time and on one occasion Sirius’s arms unexpectedly gave out and he’d nearly fallen to his death (or at least a shattered ankle).They weren’t with James tonight though, so he changed directions to find the gruesome portrait.

When James heard the tell-tale thuds of someone stumbling about in the corridor over from him, he tried to pick up his pace to avoid detection. He needn’t have bothered. The owner of the footsteps rounded the corner a second later, and it was only Carmichael. A very drunk Carmichael. The ruckus had come from Erik colliding with the wall and then grappling along it for support.

“Potter!” Carmichael cried enthusiastically and far too loudly considering curfew had come and gone. “My Captain, Potter!”

“Alright there, Carmichael?”

“Neva betta,” Erik slurred. “My friends told me to go to bed, so that’s where I’m going.”

James really regretted not breaking into a sprint when he first heard noises because now he was responsible for the wasted mess before him. Knowing Filch, the old codger would make sure Erik’s detentions for breaking curfew lined up with Quidditch practices, and James couldn’t have that even though he sometimes wished he could restrict Carmichael to the showers in order to focus on the rest of the team for a bit.

“Some friends. They want you to get nabbed, walking around where Filch could catch you?” James muttered.

The smile on Erik’s face collapsed, and before James’ eyes, the chaser grew inconsolable. Horrifyingly, he gave a miserable little sniff, the kind that usually predated tears. “I guess they didn’t care. They just didn’t want me around anymore.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, mate,” James said, the lie obvious in his voice if only Erik was sober enough to pick up on it.

“No, everyone hates me,” Erik moaned, and then he buried his face in the sleeve of his robes.

Pure and simple, James panicked. Finding a way to bond with and/or reign in Erik was on his to-do-list, but he had imagined getting Erik a pint, not consoling him about how half the population of the school – the male half – thought the was an engorged prick.

Quickly, James said, “If your friends didn’t care, why’d they send me to help get you safely back to the dormitories?”

“They did?” Erik asked, rightfully disbelieving.

Although not disbelieving enough because when James insisted he’d been wandering the halls in search of him, Erik’s face lit up. After that, James was stuck with the prat. There was no way James could demand Erik scale a three-flight ladder in his state either, so James needed to come up with another way to avoid the caretaker still lurking outside Gryffindor Tower.

“Listen mate, Filch is outside the Fat Lady right now, so when we get to the seventh floor, I’m going to need you to be really quiet. Can you do that?” James asked.

“Won’t Filch see us?” Erik asked in turn.

“No, because I have a plan,” James assured him.

“Ooh, we’re coconspirators now. Does that make me a Marauder?”

Stern-faced, James replied that it did not, but he still gripped Carmichael by the elbow and began to steer him towards their shared home. Because James’ plan only required Carmichael keep his mouth shut on the sixth floor, Carmichael took that as permission to chat with James the entire way, keeping up a near constant stream of details about the get together he’d attended and the firewhiskey he’d drank.

“You know, I’m kind of surprised you’re helping me even if my friends did ask you to,” Carmichael commented airily.

“And why’s that?” James had to haul Erik backwards by the shoulder so that he didn’t walk directly into a wall.

“Because you hate me,” Erik said simply.

Normally, James wasn’t the type to issue false promises, content to let people know where the really stood with him, but this disarming, honest version of Erik was a little pitiful, and James felt the foreign impulse to lie to comfort him.

Before he could, Erik continued, “Though maybe now that we’re no longer adverz-adva-adversaries in love you don’t care as much.”

“Carmichael, I have never hated you because of Lily,” James was able to say truthfully. The hate had been born from Quidditch. The _resentment_ from Lily.

“Huh, I hated you,” Carmichael said, bemused.

James had to look away so that Carmichael wouldn’t catch his eye roll. He should set up drunk Carmichael with Sirius. They’d decimate half the student population within hours with their unfiltered honesty.

“Lily’s just really…fit,” Erik continued, “and nice. Nice, pretty girl.”

“Okay then,” James grit out.

“Is she a good kisser? I bet she is.”

“She’s fine,” James said shortly, underselling it because he had no intention of getting into this with Erik. If the man dared to ask a follow up question, James would have to deck him.

“You know who else is a good kisser? Shafiq,” Erik said.

“You mean Selma?” James said, horrified.

 “Fuck no. Danyal!” Erik protested.

“You got it in with Shafiq?”James said, unable to sound disinterested.

Selma was a thirteen-year-old girl. Her older sister, however, Danyal Shafiq, was gorgeous. Gorgeous and notoriously unavailable. Probably it was in poor taste for James to care about other girls when he had Lily, but he was taken not dead. If he wanted to know a little more about Danyal to add color to his class time daydreaming, Lily was going to have to deal with it. Or better yet, just never find out. Never sounded good.

Erik looked mighty proud as he answered in the affirmative. It was like a late autumn frost thawing in the morning sun. United by the fact that they were two teenage boys who both liked to imagine Danyal Shafiq starkers, the two had no problem passing the rest of their walk up to the Tower.

Dutifully, Erik remembered that he was supposed to keep quiet as they drew near their destination. James tucked the boy in a shadowy alcove, dark enough that Filch wouldn’t notice him sitting there (assuming Erik didn’t start squirming about) and left him with orders not to move until James returned for him. Then, James set about finding a way to draw Filch’s attention which wouldn’t land him with his own detention.

The answer, like most things as it turned out, was Zonko’s. Buried in the pocket of his robes, James found a little bewitched toy monkey. It was supposedly inspired by some muggle toy. The monkey was charmed to bang a pair of cymbals together when activated and run about while doing so. Remus had been the one to pick it out.

It was an easy enough matter to drop the obnoxious thing down the hall and trigger the charm to start the clamor. At the first sound of clanging cymbals, Filch went racing down the hall in pursuit. He completely overlooked James in doing so, hidden as he was behind a suit of armor.

Leisurely in his confidence that Filch would be kept busy for some time, James went to collect Erik. Covering their snickers all the way, the two boys returned to Gryffindor Tower. The Fat Lady gave them both the evil eye for keeping her at work so late in the night, but she didn’t raise a fuss, allowing them to safely reenter the Common Room.

“You know, when you first came around the corner, I assumed you’d be a Slytherin. That’s just how my night’s been going,” James said. He shuddered at the number of green-and-silver striped pins he’d seen that day.

“Fuck Slytherins,” Erik said sloppily.

Rather than bother navigating the stairs – treacherous in the dark – Erik sank into the couch. Kindly, James transfigured a trainer someone had left out into a pillow. Erik wasted no time in propping it behind his head and closing his eyes.

“Fuck Slytherins,” James chorused. “You’re alright, mate.”

Carmichael gave a sleepy but pleased hum. “I like you too, Potter. Especially after how you sorted Nott. You’re a decent guy.”

“Nott?” James asked, confused as he rarely interacted with the Slytherin.

“Yeah, he seems to be laying off…” Carmichael yawned. “Laying off Lily finally, ever since you confronted him. Good thing too because he was getting dangerous. Slicing her hand like that. She wouldn’t accept any help from me, so I’m glad she took yours.”

Erik delivered all of this with his eyes firmly shut, speech slowing as he drifted off to sleep. He was out like a light before James could demand answers, missing the look of dark realization that had transformed James’ face.

The answer all along had been hiding in Erik’s thoughtless head. Foolishly, James had assumed Lily would guard her secret like a jealous dragon. As it turned out, she just hadn’t wanted to tell him.

James couldn’t focus on his bitterness towards Lily for withholding her dilemma just then because he was too busy burning up at what Erik had revealed. Sliced her hand. Nott had sent Lily to the Hospital Wing on Tuesday. That was why Peter had seen her arguing with Snape. Despite all of her stubborn insistences that she could handle herself, Nott had graduated from verbal barbs to an actual physical assault.

For a minute, James actually thought he was suffering through a panic attack because his physiological response to the idea of Lily in danger was so great. Every breath was pained as he sucked oxygen heavily through his nose. And his heart…He could cast any dark curse just then with utter faith that his hatred would be strong enough to fuel it.

His thoughts drifted back to earlier than night when he’d finished caressing Lily over her knickers and they were doing their, now-routine, post-snog cuddle. Lily had excitedly remembered that she still had some fireworks in her bag and offered them to James. He’d made a smarmy comment about having already helped her see fireworks a minute before, but then she set them off anyway. Under the lights, Lily’s hair had looked almost purple, and her skin had appeared to glow, a transcendental gold like she was a goddess whose divinity shined through her mortal skin.

“I usually hate fireworks,” Lily had told him absently.

“How is that possible?” James had wondered in return.

Lily had gifted him with a patient smile. “Every night I look up at the sky, and it’s the most stunning sight in the world. Those millions of stars, a frozen snapshot of what the universe once was, and all we can see is that it was beautiful. Fireworks are novel and all, but why would I ever want to mess with that?”

Without another moment’s consideration, James stormed away from Erik, passed out on the couch in the present. He had his wand in his pocket and the map clenched tight in his right fist.

And Preston Nott was somewhere in the castle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN!
> 
> And a very Merry Christmas!!! I really like the one-two punch of the two chapters I released this week and hope everyone does as well. Consider it my paltry gift to all of you, and I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday!!!
> 
> Review and let me know what you think.


	47. Oct. 29: Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a bit late. It’s not really edited either, so apologies if there are any errors.

**October 29, 1977**

Being a well-adjusted teenage girl, Lily always looked forward to the weekend. Not the least of which because she appreciated a bit of a line-in. Like the weekend before, however, Lily found herself too woefully behind to sleep past nine. It was the weekend before Halloween, and her social life was trying to devour her.

So, Lily had attended breakfast long before the rest of her peers had risen. Her only company was a stick-skinny Slytherin first-year who evidently knew James and was unusually keen to tell her all about it. During their conversation, Bernie alternated between describing James in the least flattering terms possible, calling James a speccy ponce who was out of shape and in need of a hairbrush (all true except the out of shape part, Lily could testify), and ranting about James like he was the greatest of mentors, a real role model.

The whole thing was rather touching, much-appreciated insight into the type of person James had become when she wasn’t around. It wasn’t like Lily had suspected James was only putting on a show of maturity for her sake, but it was nice to see that he had become such a cherished person all the same.

By the time she’d finished her sausage, the castle was showing signs of life. Not that Lily interacted with any of it. No, her next order of business was entirely unrelated to the living. Slipping underneath James’ invisibility cloak, Lily went in search of Peeves. The night before, Lily had begun what she believed could become her defining prank: slowly tormenting the poltergeist into good behavior.

She intended to accomplish this by following him about beneath the cloak, imparting lessons on the importance of empathy, consideration of others’ time, and cleanliness. Needless to say, Peeves was peeved at her return. He grumbled and wailed and trashed an Arithmancy classroom in his ire.

Staying on Peeves was rather hard work as well since he’d periodically zoom away at top speeds to escape her, necessitating that Lily chase him on foot. After being caught four times, however, Peeves gave up, which made it far easier for her to continue her lessons.

In a way, Lily felt her time with the poltergeist could qualify as good practice for surviving the bigots in the school. Peeves had a _very_ colorful vocabulary. It was only to be expected after living in a boarding school for what Lily assumed was decades, but that didn’t stop Lily from going red in the face at some of the insults he lobbed towards her. After which, she made sure to stress the harmfulness of derogatory language towards women until Peeves threw his cap to the ground and began to stomp on it repeatedly in his frustration.

So maybe Peeves was nowhere near ready to give up his life of mischief just yet, but Lily had no doubts that he’d break soon enough. She’d been told she could have that effect on people.

Regardless, Lily could return to her dormitory at noon feeling mighty accomplished. The reason Lily had felt such an urgency to get things done was because she knew just what was waiting for her back in the girls’ dormitories. Namely piles upon piles of fabric and glitter, which by the end of the day would be transformed into the girls’ costumes for the Halloween feast. Normally, Shelia was the one who led the charge for Halloween. She was the one of the girls who cared the most, salivating at the opportunity to disappear entirely into someone else for the night. Every year, she always turned it into something of a spectacle. No one was ever more prepared than the Gryffindor girls in her year. More, it was an opportunity for all of them to bond.

In her absence…well, Lily had been the one to insist they continue. Marlene had no strong feelings about Halloween as her family hadn’t celebrated it growing up, and neither Mary nor Alice had that streak of romanticism that was all but essential to appreciating the holiday. All of the supplies had already been ordered, and it felt like a defeat to give up on it altogether.

As she approached the door to her room, Lily deeply regretted her decision. She feared what she would find on the other side. Shelia’s absence thick, the ghost of her in the room.

Taking a bracing breath, Lily went inside. The scene was nowhere near as depressing as she had expected. In fact, everything about it was bizarrely normal, no different than if she had walked in on a nondescript Wednesday: Alice was still in her pajamas and hanging her laundry. Marlene was tying and retying a scarf around her neck in the loo, craning her neck about so that she could see it from every angle in the mirror. Mary was cross-legged on her trunk with the morning paper.

“No one’s gotten started?” Lily asked chipperly. “It’s nearly noon!”

“Well you were missing,” Mary said, flipping a page. “Besides, we can’t get started until Marlene finds a way to hide the monstrosity on her neck.”

“The what?”

“You are so mean!” Marlene shouted back from the bathroom.

In the reflection of the mirror, Lily just caught sight of a blazing red mark peeking above the top of Marlene’s scarf. “Woah!”

Marlene tried to yank the scarf back into place, but it was too late. Lily hurried into the bathroom, yanking it aside so that she could see the damage. The line of hickeys that decorated Marlene’s neck were obscene, like a sunset that had been burned into her skin from the strip of flesh beneath her ear down to the jutting line of her clavicle. It was perfectly clear why Marlene had been struggling to cover this up because hardly a centimeter of her skin wasn’t bruised to some degree.

“Jesus Christ, Marlene! It looks like you’ve been mauled by a bear!” Lily cried.

“Ha ha, very funny. You might consider being useful instead and lending me a turtleneck,” Marlene said.

“A turtleneck in October? Good luck fooling anyone with that,” Alice muttered.

Helpfully, Lily did scrounge up a turtleneck – the same one she’d worn on her date with James – and delivered it to Marlene. A few of the hickeys were still visible even with the turtleneck covering the worst of it, but Marlene could always try some makeup.

“You should have told Black to lay off a little,” Lily said, highly amused.

“I would have. It’s just –”

Lily groaned, “You can’t be this afraid to tell him what you want, honey! If you can’t tell him when to stop when you’re snogging, then when can you?”

“I _would_ have,” Marlene continued, sly smile on her face, “Only I didn’t exactly want him to stop. If you know what I mean.”

“Marlene!” the squeals of her name went up from every side, and Marlene turned back to the mirror with a self-satisfied smile. Lily held her hand to her breast like she was scandalized, but she was laughing while she did it.

“Who’s going to do the memory charm on me?” Alice demanded. “Because now I’m _picturing_ things.”

After that, it was easy to get started. They rifled through the boxes of supplies that had arrived via owl post the week before. They’d ordered three dresses, bedecked in sparkles. The plan had been that Lily, Shelia, and Marlene would attend the feast as the Supremes. Alice was less interested in looking beautiful than in causing a stir, so she’d ordered the supplies to build herself a troll costume, and Mary had opted to go as a hedge witch, which as far as Lily could tell seemed to involve very little preparation on her part.

Sitting in a circle on the floor, all four girls worked diligently at their costumes. There was no replacing a sewing needle even with magic, so each one was hard at work making alterations to her costume the old-fashioned way, with magic only as an aid. Lily was notoriously terrible at sewing and managed to prick her finger with her needle half a dozen times, having to keep a cloth on hand so that she wouldn’t bleed on her dress.

“So, Mary, how’s Erin?” Lily asked. She had a terrible time of it trying to keep a smile off her face, but she was one step away from ordering pins with Erin’s face on them. Erin Bauman was officially Lily’s favorite person. Anyone who helped distract Mary from the fact that Marlene was snogging Sirius and walking around with the evidence clear on her neck was good in Lily’s books.

“I don’t know. How’s James?” Mary shot back.

“Very good, I’ll have you know,” Lily said with a smirk. “So you think your Erin is the equivalent to my James, huh?”

“Lily!” Mary cried, pulling a disgusted look.

“Really, Lily. She’s only just come to terms with being a lesbian and you expect her to go running off with the first one she meets. Of course nothing serious is happening between them. They’re friends,” Marlene said a little sharply.

“Uh huh. Friends,” Alice snorted.

Alice had proven surprisingly supportive of Mary’s brewing…acquaintanceship with Erin. Apparently her dislike of couples didn’t extend to ones in which there was no man. Of course, Mary was adamantly denying that there was anything romantic to speak of, but literally no one else was buying that.

Except for Marlene. Lily was starting to wonder whether Marlene knew something the others didn’t because her insistence that the two couldn’t be involved was abnormally vehement. She seemed to take it as a personal affront every time one of the other girls would point out how cute Erin was or how she was well-suited to Mary.

The need for a subject change quickly grew apparent as Marlene descended into a huffy silence. She was one of those girls who could make a quiet moment seem _loud_. Casting around for something to say, Lily remembered the letter she’d received from Petunia earlier in the week. She’d written Petunia back to say that she was eager to take part in the plan to deceive Vernon, but they hadn’t spoken since. Lily figured she’d need to initiate any further conversation.

“I’m trying to brainstorm what we can tell my sister’s boyfriend about my schooling. He’ll want to know what area I intend to specialize in, so I have to come up with something good or lie and say that I’m an idiot who can’t manage uni.”

“Where’s the lie?” Marlene replied cheekily. Lily threw a sprinkling of glitter at her, which settled in Marlene’s hair and only served to make her look like some kind of ethereal moon goddess.

“Just make something up?” Mary suggested.

“Well, obviously. I’m not going to tell the man I’m interested in potion brewing, but I want it to still feel like me. I wanted to answer Chemistry, but Tuney shot that down. Said it made me sound uppity and like I hated men,” Lily said.

“Do chemists hate men?” Alice queried with sudden interest.

“No. It’s just Petunia’s way of saying women who have little things like, you know, careers don’t know their place and must not want to keep their man happy.”

“So pick something women take more traditionally. My parents always wanted me to go for literature, so I bet Petunia would love that one,” Marlene said.

There wasn’t anything wrong with a man or woman pursuing a degree in literature, but it just didn’t feel like her. Lily the muggle would be every bit as practicable as Lily the witch and want a career with security, room for growth. Something like a scientist, if only Petunia wasn’t such a snob. A lower middle class girl with pretentions who thought the best way to flash some wealth was to keep the women home with their feet up. As Lily had been reminded half a dozen times over during their letter exchange, Vernon had already been made manager and a promotion to director and then vice president were sure to follow.

“No, literature isn’t right,” Lily said.

“You’re good at Runes. Say you’re specializing in the study of languages,” Mary advised. Her costume – what little it consisted of – was long finished, so she was sitting unoccupied while the others continued to labor.

“Mary’s right. Oh! Say French. Your sister can’t take issue with French,” Marlene said.

Lily began to nod along because while she was willing to bet money that Petunia had several issues with _the_ French, the French language was perfectly respectable. Alice shattered everything a moment later by asking one pointed question.

“Does Vernon speak French?”

After that, Lily had to abandon the idea of a language altogether because it was too risky. Mary and Marlene had a grand old time snickering to themselves about the most humiliating scenarios Lily could find herself in. Like having to robotically answer “oui” to everything as Vernon spouted off the most vulgar opinions in fluent French. In Lily’s opinion, the two girls – bent in half with tears of mirth in their eyes – were having far too much fun with the scenario.

Marlene was the natural best advisor on the subject, being the only other muggleborn and thus having a familiarity with muggle careers, so Lily had to wait until she stopped giggling to brainstorm more ideas. Once she did, the two lobbed suggestions back and forth. All dismissed for being either too scandalous for Petunia or too unlike Lily.

“I still say you answer Chemistry,” Marlene said. “Who cares what your sister thinks?”

“I do!” Lily answered miserably. “That’s the whole point of this.”

If Lily was willing to accept that she’d never meet Petunia’s high expectations, she wouldn’t have gone along with the charade in the first place. All of this effort was to convince Petunia that she could still be respectable and avoid embarrassing her sister in front of her new beau. With that proven, maybe they could begin to repair a bit of their friendship.

None of that would happen if they spent their whole holiday arguing over the imaginary job that Lily had picked.

“You wanted Chemistry because of Potions, right? So why not baking instead?” Mary suggested. “They’re kind of related. I can’t imagine you’d be any good at brewing if you couldn’t follow a recipe.”

Now there was a thought. There was a decent chance this Vernon Dursley would declare a woman didn’t need a formal education to satisfy in the kitchen, but a man with such “traditional” values couldn’t suggest it was out of line. Plus, Lily could actually hold a conversation about cooking. She was no expert, but she figured she could fake it convincingly enough with her background as a consumer of delicious foods. Unless Dursley was moonlighting as a sous chef, he’d never notice.

Happy to have a decision, Lily immediately abandoned her half-made costumes to draft a quick letter to her sister. Across from her, Marlene scribbled furiously in a notebook she’d been lugging around for the better part of the last two days. Lily wouldn’t have thought much of it, only it wasn’t the first time Marlene had started to write seemingly at random that day. She was using one of the pens purchased from Mary.

Curious, Lily signed her letter and stood to place it on her trunk, which happened to be behind Marlene. Lily peered over Marlene’s shoulder, trying to read Marlene’s small print while standing above it. Despite the struggle, Lily was able to make out enough to realize what Marlene was writing, and it left her with more questions than answers.

“Are you taking notes on everything we say? Why?” Lily wondered.

Marlene closed her notebook abruptly, which looked terribly suspicious given the circumstances. “No reason.”

“Of course there’s a reason,” Lily insisted.

“Fine…I want to write a play, so I’m taking notes on how people talk. I really want to perfect the dialogue,” Marlene said.

“A play?” Lily echoed.

She supposed it wasn’t the most ludicrous explanation ever…except for the fact that Marlene had never mentioned the play before then. Keeping a secret, and for no reason no less, had never been Marlene’s strength.

Mary must have thought the same because she didn’t take Marlene’s statement at face value. She thought about it, skepticism written on her face, and Lily could actually spot the moment Mary put it all together by the way her mouth rounded out to a tiny circle.

“Marlene!” Mary cried in chastisement. “Are you writing an expose on us?”

Marlene blushed guiltily. “Only on Lily!”

“Me?” Lily said, properly scandalized.

“Not you specifically. All of the prefects.” Marlene’s guilt faded in favor of excitement as she explained her plan. “I had the idea to do a piece on the hypocrisy of the prefect system, how they have all this power to uphold the rules but then break them as much as any of the rest of us.”

“What does Lily’s stupid sister have to do with anything?” Alice asked.

“I thought it made a good example of how the prefects are all liars,” Marlene said, upbeat.

Lily released a garbled sound of horror.

“Sorry, Lily,” Marlene said with very little apology.

“But this is off the record,” Lily protested.

“No, because I’m undercover,” Marlene announced proudly.

“Undercover as what?” Lily argued.

Lily wasn’t particularly angry with Marlene – in a lot of ways, Lily was happy to see her so passionate about her future in journalism – but she would eat her own foot before letting an article calling her a liar get released to the school. Luckily, Marlene wasn’t completely unreasonable. After a back-and-forth, Marlene agreed not to use Lily’s name nor any detail that might identify her.

“Just know if you renege, I’ll hex you bald,” Lily warned.

Predictably, Marlene looked to Mary for help, but the blonde just laughed, “Don’t look to me for protection. You’ll have brought it on yourself.”

“Fair enough,” Marlene conceded. “I’m working on another piece right now, too. Maybe I’ll focus on that a bit instead.”

Marlene didn’t offer up any details about her new project, and Lily shivered at the possibilities.

They’d all been at their costumes for the better part of three hours and stomachs were rumbling. Lily would have liked to go to the Great Hall for a late lunch, partially because she was hoping to run into James. They were nowhere near close to finished, however, so it was decided that they’d eat in the dormitory instead. Mary, having the least to do, volunteered to fetch some sandwiches, and their work continued uninterrupted.

It was nearly six, the sun outside already beginning its arcing descent behind the mountains in the distance, when Lily finally slipped into her dress. It was magnificent – floor-length with a mermaid skirt that gave her a hipline she could only dream of and sequined from top to bottom. With her hair in a messy bun and her normal day makeup on, Lily felt far too inadequate for such a dress. There was a sense of anticipation that came with it though. She could picture how it would look once she had made herself up, and the mental image of it had her sighing in contentment.

Alice whistled. “I think that dress has awoken something feminine in me.”

Lily laughed at what had to be the highest compliment ever given to an article of clothing. She twirled around slowly because the narrow skirt limited her range of motion.

“You look beautiful,” Marlene agreed. “Like a true Supreme.”

The reminder of what her costume actually was – not a pretty dress but one part of a famous singing trio – made Lily frown. Their third member was conspicuously absent. And no one was talking about it.

“We’re going to have to talk about our costume,” Lily sighed.

Marlene didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “Didn’t the Supremes lose one of their original members too?”

“Yes, but they replaced her,” Lily stressed. “No one’s going to understand our costumes if it’s just the two of us in matching dresses.”

Lily wanted to talk about Shelia, really discuss her and what her absence meant for the group. The day after Shelia was exiled, the girls had done very little other than trash talk their traitorous former friend. That and comfort Lily who had been too devastated to join them. After that though, all mentions of their former roommate had ceased. Lily felt like she was the only one really struggling. She wanted to know whether any of the others missed Shelia too.

No one else must have shared Lily’s desire because rather than taking the opening to talk about Shelia, Marlene turned expectantly to Mary. They needed a third Supreme after all.

“I love you, but no,” Mary said. “I want to maintain some individualism with my costume. You’ll have to find somebody else.”

Immediately, Marlene turned her gaze to Alice who guffawed. “Do I look like a Supreme to you?”

“If you mean stunning and goddess-like, then yes,” Marlene replied.

“Please, I should go as something a little better suited.”

“Oh my God, Alice, please tell me you don’t think you look like a troll,” Lily begged with genuine alarm, gesturing at Alice’s unflattering costume.

Exasperated, Alice dropped the mask she’d been working on, “No, Lily. I do not think I look like a troll.”

Silently, Lily said a prayer of thanks.

Alice continued, “I just don’t want to look pretty or sexy or whatever on Halloween. I don’t like all that pressure. I go as a troll, and then I don’t have to worry about it.”

“It’s not that much pressure. It’s just meant to be fun,” Lily said.

“Easy for you to say when you’ve never struggled to look pretty in your life,” Alice said drily.

Lily couldn’t decide whether she pitied or envied Alice’s attitude. Receiving the admiration of others was nice, but Lily thought it might be freeing not to worry about appearing beautiful now and again. Because despite Alice’s derisive claim, Lily did work to look the way she did. The way people liked. Going as something completely non-sexual, like a dragon, might be fun.

“Fine,” Marlene relented, though she looked none too happy about it. “Who else could we possibly ask?”

“Dorcas Meadowes,” Lily said, the idea arriving faster than owl post.

Dorcas was a perfect fit. A pretty Gryffindor who got along with the lot of them. Assuming she didn’t already have plans, Lily couldn’t envision her saying no.

“So you ask the Dork. Problem solved,” Alice announced with satisfaction.

“Looks like it,” Lily said, and then, “And don’t call her that. It’s not nice.”

Amongst the girls, it was widely agreed upon that Lily should be the one to ask since she had the strongest personal relationship with Dorcas. Lily changed back into her weekend clothes – skirt a whole centimeter shorter than she normally wore to class and oversized jumper – and went in search of the sixth year.

Dahlia answered the door to the sixth-year dormitory and told her that Dorcas was out. Lily took a moment to catalogue how Dahlia looked: tired, passionless. It looked like Remus wasn’t the only one taking their breakup poorly. Sympathetic, Lily wanted to do something to bolster the girl, but she hadn’t the slightest idea what to say. Besides, Lily’s loyalties were with Remus first and foremost, and he clearly wanted everyone to stay out of his business. So, Lily kept her mouth shut and headed down to the Common Room to continue her search instead.

The phrase most used for describing the jiterry feeling that came with seeing the bloke you fancied was “butterflies in your stomach,” but for Lily when she spotted James downstairs, it was closer to butterflies in her throat, like something foreign was rising up inside of her and trying to break free. Or maybe butterflies in the air around her, brushing their fragile wings against the skin of her arms, the back of her neck and making her skin hyper-sensitive.

He wasn’t even doing anything sexy to justify her bought of nerves, just sitting on the couch with one arm draped across the back. From the looks of it, Remus was ranting about something. His face was bright with an animation that she didn’t usually see in him. Normally, Remus looked almost zen-like in his drug-induced composure. Sirius was eating it up, smile only comparable to the Cheshire Cat, and James nodded along serenely.

Strictly speaking, Lily had no reason to approach the trio, but she walked over alone all the same. Weirdly, James tensed up when she drew near. A kiss on the cheek though had him relaxing again. She figured he was still feeling off-kilter from all the vulnerability he’d exposed last night.

“Any of you seen Dorcas?” Lily asked.

“Saw her at lunch a few hours ago but haven’t since,” Remus said.

“Everything okay with you?” Lily added, having not forgotten how worked up Remus had appeared from across the room.

Jerkily, Remus shrugged. “Just one of those days where you wish everyone would bugger off.” Remus directed a not-so-subtle glance at his friends. Neither of whom seemed particularly bothered.

“Lupin’s worried that we care too much about him,” James said cheerfully.

“Annoyed more like,” Remus grumbled, but he looked properly chastened.

Concern for Remus, who was clearly suffering a lot with his break up, rose in her. Lily had to quash it back lest she add to Remus’s perception that he was being pitied.

“We’re working on our costumes and want Dorcas to take part this year,” Lily said to change the subject.

“You girls,” James said affectionately. “You always go all out. What can we expect this year? Loveliness, I hope.”

Lily smirked. “Well, Marlene will look like some debutante in a horror movie. Pretty from the waist down but looking like she’s been attacked by a horde of vampire bats when you get one look at her neck.”

“An accurate assessment of what happened last night,” Sirius said in return to Lily’s pointed look. She laughed in spite of herself, while the others just looked confused.

“And you?” James prompted.

Lily swallowed. “I think you’ll approve.”

It shouldn’t have been so impossible to look away, and yet Lily found herself holding James’ gaze long after what was appropriate came and passed. She wanted him to see her in that dress. She wanted him to see her out of that dress. The butterflies had officially migrated south to her stomach and were making her want to giggle irrationally. James didn’t look much better off.

“Oh no! None of this!” Sirius bellowed unexpectedly. “Evans, close your eyes this second.”

“What?” Lily asked, bewildered.

“Don’t you start looking at him like that. He’s promised he’ll spend the whole night with me, so you just look at something else before he goes and gets all distracted,” Sirius ordered.

Horrified because Sirius’s voice boomed throughout the crowded room, Lily squeaked out, “I don’t know what you mean.”

Even Remus scoffed at that weak denial. James looked mighty pleased about the whole thing though he seconded that he’d be out of commission for the night with Sirius. While Lily had only planned to chat for a minute, she found herself disappointed. Spending time with James was one of the activities she looked forward to most. They’d had a streak of good Saturdays where they’d grown closer too.

The spoiled part of her wanted to test James’ commitment, sit in his lap and scratch at the back of his neck until he threw over Sirius. For her. So maybe it wasn’t the spoiled part so much as the insecure. The part that was always seeking proof that the people she cared about felt the same way.

Insidious, the evil voice urged her to announce she was spending the evening with Sev. James would probably snap right to attention in order to keep her there.

That little voice, however, was twisted and unhealthy. Lily refused to allow her insecurities to lead her into such manipulative behavior.

If the portrait hole hadn’t swung open then, Lily might actually have spent the night apart from James. Spotting the figure climbing through the entrance, Lily didn’t react at first. The sight of her fellow Gryffindor entering the Common Room was so familiar, deeply embedded in her mind. When her brain caught up and realized this particular Gryffindor was significant, she screamed.

“Peter!”

The three heads of the Marauders whipped around at top speeds. Walking towards them, of his own volition, was Peter. The boy beamed at his surroundings, at his friends. His eyes crinkled into slits under the force of his smile.

Peter only managed another limping step before his three mates had scrambled to their feet. Then, there was so much cheering that Lily could hardly hear herself think. Every eye in the Common Room turned to the noisy reunion. James vaulted the back of the couch to reach Peter sooner, drawing him close for a crushing hug. A second later, Peter was passed off to Remus, and the three all took turns hugging their friend.

The way they were all talking over each other, it was difficult to hear what was said, but Lily could make out snippets.

“– had no idea you were –”

“– and on your own two feet –”

“– terrible time without you. Can’t even begin to describe –”

Under all the attention, Peter appeared to grow taller. He kept quiet, content to listen to his mates’ declarations.

No one tried to approach for a few minutes. Everyone was aware that the four required their own private moment (or as private as a moment could be with two dozen students blatantly watching) to celebrate. Because the energy of the four friends was intoxicating to the point that no one could look away. All their charisma, the confidence in their camaraderie that made them so enviable, it was all turned up to an eleven.

After a few minutes, Lily decided to congratulate Peter as well even though the Marauders’ momentum hadn’t slowed a bit. She had to kind of hip-chuck James out of the way to get close to Peter, but the boy seemed thrilled when he saw who had displaced his friend.

“I can’t believe – I mean, I’m so happy to see you up and walking around!” Lily said. “Herbology hasn’t been the same without you.”

(The very definition of an understatement.)

“Thanks, Lily. It’s nice to see you walking around too – I mean, it’s nice to see you out of bed – I mean, um,” Peter stammered through his response.

“What Wormy’s trying to say is he’s ready for a bloody party!” James roared loudly.

“A party?” Peter asked.

“Of course. We’re going to throw you the biggest party Hogwarts has ever seen, and everyone’s going to come to celebrate the return of Peter Wormtail Pettigrew,” James announced dramatically.

“A party? Tonight?” Sirius questioned.

“Obviously! The whole school’s going to want to turn out to tell Peter how much they’ve missed him,” James said, clapping Peter on the back.

“The most brilliant student Hogwarts has ever seen,” Remus added happily.

“Stop,” Peter said, but he didn’t sound like he meant it at all. His chubby cheeks were rosy and Lily could see his molars because his smile stretched so wide.

Matching enthusiasm was clear on everyone’s faces except for Sirius’s. For some reason, he looked like he’d swallowed a lemon. Lily didn’t even bother speculating as to why as she’d accepted that Sirius’s mind would always be foreign to her.

Instead, she leaned in to give Peter a hug, careful not to squeeze too tight in case he was still recovering. She pulled back and said, “I need to find Dorcas and then tell the girls about the party, but I’ll see you tonight. Save a drink for me.”

Peter nodded, his floppy blonde hair whipping around with the movement. In comparison to how he’d looked back when he’d first been interred in the Hospital Wing, he looked so alive. Lily left to find Dorcas, feeling like she’d entered a world of perpetual sunshine.

 

Lily never did find Dorcas. Not before the party. Granted, she hadn’t looked very far, hadn’t checked anywhere but the seventh floor in fact. The return of Peter had her too distracted.

The Marauders hadn’t exaggerated when they said they’d throw the biggest party Hogwarts had ever seen either. Somehow, they’d convinced the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws to open up their dormitories so that the party was in full swing in three separate locations.

Magnanimously, the Ravenclaws had even agreed to keep alcohol out of their common room so that the younger years could attend. Although, everyone expected that to last for no more than the first two or three hours. Then the kids would be sent off to bed so that the real fun could begin. Lily couldn’t remember a greater display of interhouse unity.

Secretly, Lily could admit that Peter’s absence hadn’t been that deeply or broadly felt throughout the school. Not in the way, say, Sirius’s would have. Still, the mood of the reunited friends was infectious, and the unofficial theme of the party was new beginnings.

With every part of her life in such disarray, Lily was certainly in need of one of her own. Perhaps that was why she threw herself so passionately into the night’s festivities.

The group that crowded around the center of the room consisted of the usual suspects – the Marauders and the seventh year girls – as well as a few other friendly faces: Erin Bauman, Albert Albertson, Henrick Higgles, and Elise Biggins. With so many people vying to fit closely together in the tight space, they had to cram hip to hip on the seats.

In Lily’s case, James grabbed her by the hand and all but knocked her into his lap, legs spilling momentarily into Peter’s space as she was thrown off balance. A little breathless, she settled more comfortably atop him, enjoying the press of his strong chest and secure grip around her waist.

Because Lily had always wanted to try her hand at match-making, she rather desperately wanted to arrange the seating so that Erin and Mary were forced together. Lily tried to achieve just that by wiggling her eyebrows and jerking her head towards Erin, all maintaining suggestive eye contact with Marlene. Obliviously, or perhaps as Lily was beginning to believe, stubbornly, Marlene refused to take the hint, sitting directly at Mary’s side and blocking Erin’s access to Mary. Short of causing a scene and asking Alice to leave Mary’s left-side, there was no way for Lily to intervene. If she hadn’t been sitting, she would have stomped her foot.

Gently, James nudged her in the knee and kind of bucked his thighs to indicate he wanted her to stand up for a second even though they’d only just taken their seats. Lily did as he’d requested, and James stood up as well. Before she could ask what he was doing, James bounded onto the sofa cushion so that he could survey the entirety of the party. Atop the couch, he was easily the tallest thing in the room, and all eyes immediately turned to him – the ones that hadn’t already been drawn by his sheer magnetism and notoriety at least.

“Everybody listen up! I want to propose a toast to my mate, Peter!” James shouted, easily gaining the attention of everyone in the room.

Through the crowd, Erik and –- pushed their way forward. They carried a large wooden crate between them. James beckoned to them to set the crate down in front of the fireplace. From inside its contents, the two Quidditch players unearthed bottle after bottle of champagne all special ordered for the occasion. The bottles were passed throughout the party. --- handed James a bottle directly and then delivered two more into Sirius’s greedy clutches.

“In good times or bad, the absence of our beloved Peter would be widely felt,” James intoned grandly. “But in these of all times, when darkness has crept stealthily into our homes and most cherished places, we need people like Peter all the more. He’s a good friend, and even more importantly, a good person, which I don’t think everyone in this room, myself included, can say with certainty. He’s –”

“The subject of Prongs’ every wank!” Sirius called loudly, earning a bevy of laughter and a kick in the stomach from James.

“Peter is the kind of person who deserves only good things,” James carried on, twice as loud as Sirius had been, “which is one of the many reasons why it was so hard for all of us when he was holed up in the Hospital Wing. But he’s out now! Healthy and back better than ever. So everybody raise a glass to Peter!”

There was a cacophony of sound as everyone began to pop the corks off their bottles. James obligingly passed his along to Peter to allow him to do the honors, and then sat back down on the couch, pulling Lily back into place with him. Peter struggled with getting his thumb into the right spot, straining and releasing the occasional nervous chuckle. When he finally succeeded, no one was prepared. The champagne poured out in a torrent of fizz, half of which spilled over the lip of the bottle and soaked through Lily’s chest.

“Oh no, Lily! I’m so sorry!” Peter babbled unhappily. He tried to lift the bottom of his shirt to wipe at her chest, but she pushed him away. It wasn’t meant to be unkind, but she wasn’t going to invite Peter to paw at her chest, no matter how well-intentioned he may have been.

“It’s fine, Peter,” Lily said quickly.

And it was. The champagne was a little cold, but not exactly unpleasant as it popped and fizzed against her skin. She almost leapt out of James’ lap when she felt the slick run of a tongue on her neck.

“Mmm, yummy,” James hummed as he pulled back.

Lily couldn’t decide whether she was mortified or perversely delighted by his brazen move. For good measure, she decided to swat his chest. Just in case the mortification won out. James smiled with pure satisfaction and moved to repeat the motion down the side of her neck, and this time she didn’t stop him.

“So Peter, _how_ are you?” Alice asked. “Everything in working order again?”

“Yeah, Pomfrey said that all my function would come rushing back once the potions kicked in, so I can do everything now. Well, I probably couldn’t run a Five K or anything. Pomfrey says I’ll tire out if I do anything too strenuous, but you know, I’m better for the most part,” Peter explained.

“Does that mean I should tell Celia Vance that you’re not up for a round in the sack? Because I’m pretty sure she was willing to shag you. You should have seen her cooing about how you looked so wonderful and healthy,” Sirius snickered.

“Um…”

Lily decided to save Peter from the embarrassment that was sure to ensue if he answered that question because the crowd would rip him apart if he said he couldn’t handle it right now and he’d be equally mortified when he realized there was no world in which Celia Vance – a favorite of Marlene – would shag him. Quickly, she asked, “Does it still hurt? You were in a lot of pain before and Pomfrey had you on those pain potions to manage it. They’re not just letting you walk around with those kinds of potions in your system are they?”

Here, Peter began to do what could only be described as a pout. “No, she cut me off completely before she said I could leave. If the pain gets bad enough, I’m allowed to stop by the Hospital Wing, but she’ll only give me a potion if I agree to sleep there. It’s so unfair.”

“So…you’re in pain?” Lily tried again.

“Oh yeah, _loads_ ,” Peter said easily.

“What kind of pain? Like, ow I’ve overexerted my muscles or that kind of dull, heavy feeling you get with the flu?” Alice asked curiously.

“Neither,” Peter said tapping his chin thoughtfully. “It’s more like, _help my body’s on fire_.”

“Oh, you poor thing,” Lily cooed, and she wasn’t the only one. All of the girls bombarded him with sympathy, and Remus hid his head in his hands, looking devastated at the reveal that his friend was still suffering. Peter nodded sadly through all the attention.

“Merlin’s tits, are we ever going to drink?” Sirius barked unexpectedly.

Lily realized that everyone had abstained from drinking to the toast to focus on Peter. Hurriedly, she took a healthy swig from the bottle before passing to Peter so that he could drink to himself, ignorant of the way she’d left a gloss stain all over the rim. The liquid popped as it slid down her throat, warm and surprisingly sweet.

Rather than forcing them to share for the rest of the night, Mary summoned up a few glasses and soon everyone had their own portion. Precariously seated as she was, Lily bewitched hers to hover steadily at her side. The only way it would spill over was if it was knocked to the side by a flying elbow (which given James’ proclivity for restless fidgeting, wasn’t unlikely).

“To Peter,” Remus coughed out, and everyone joined in.

While the night was meant to be a celebration of Peter, it was clear that everyone – or almost everyone – was just there for an excuse to party. With the requisite toast out of the way, most of the revelers forgot all about the man of the night. The party devolved to the point that it looked no different than any other Hogwarts affairs except for in size, with people dancing, drinking, and playing games as they would normally.

Just about the only people who did care about Peter were in Lily’s circle by the couch. Still, she could feel some of them growing antsy as the champagne kicked in. Hearing Peter describe his misery with almost morbid glee wasn’t ideal party conversation.

“…the loneliness, really,” Peter said. “Just me and Pomfrey locked up together day and night. The only scenery was the wall. Can you imagine? I thought I’d go mad.”

“You did have visitors,” James reminded him.

Sniffing, Peter said, “Barely.”

Considering she’d paralyzed one of her classmates, Lily had done a pretty decent job of not letting the guilt crush her. It had been there all this time, a niggling sense of unease that every piece of happiness that she carved out was all a lie, but she had managed all the same. Denial really was a hell of a thing.

Hearing Peter’s desolate description of loneliness, however, brought it all crashing to the front of her mind. His words hadn’t been directed at her, and yet, Lily couldn’t view them as anything but a direct censure aimed at the way she’d disregarded him. Abandoned him. Sure she’d visited once or twice, but that was hardly enough considering that she’d been the one to hurt him so badly. She should have been there every day. No, every waking minute that wasn’t dedicated to classes should have been spent by his bedside. All of her justifications about being busy and dealing with so much in the way of Nott and Shelia just weren’t good enough excuses.

Lily wasn’t the only one who appeared overcome by the reality of their own selfishness. Remus too was hit hard by Peter’s unhappiness. Since he spent so much time ill himself, Lily figured he could best relate to Peter’s feelings.

“Barely?” Sirius snorted. “We made sure one of us visited you every day.”

“Well, I had a lot of hours to fill,” Peter said.

“Okay! Who wants to play a game?” Margaret Hutchens interrupted. Either she wanted to divert everyone from the uncomfortable atmosphere that had developed, or she just didn’t have enough of a stake in Peter’s wellbeing to care.

“Oh! I know, we could play –” Marlene jumped in eagerly.

“Not Truth or Dare,” Erin said quickly. “You Gryffindors are always ridiculous. I can’t get into a ‘who’s braver’ match between you people.”

“Us people?” Mary raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t think you’re not one of them just because you have that whole rational, quiet thing going,” Erin said imperiously. “You’ve obviously got a wild side. I wouldn’t be surprised if you run through the forest, hunting deer or something.”

“That’s disgusting!” James cut in bizarrely.

Lily discretely elbowed James in the ribs because the two girls were obviously _flirting_ , and everyone ought to stay quiet and leave them to it. With any luck, they’d be a couple by the end of the night.

“Well then, what _can_ we play?” Marlene asked a little cattily.

“How about spin the bottle?” Henry suggested with maybe a little too much enthusiasm.

“Um, do I look that drunk to you?” Alice said.

“Do I look like I’d ever be talking about snogging you?” Henry returned, equally derisive.

“Well, you two clearly decided to start a round of Questions with each other, but I had something else in mind,” Sirius said. “Never Have I Ever.”

An actual chill crept up Lily’s back, only growing greater when everyone else seemed accepting of Sirius’s idea. This was just one more instance to hold against Sirius Black because Lily loathed “Never Have I Ever” and every variation thereof. It was only natural that someone as secretive and guarded about her reputation as Lily would despise a game rooted in revealing everyone’s indiscretions. The game, as far as she’d ever been able to tell, was as much about humiliation as bonding. Though to be fair, at their age, the two practically went hand-in-hand. To lose was to be pronounced a slag and to win was almost equally embarrassing. Lily had a hard enough time admitting some of the things she’d done to her girlfriends, having to reveal she’d masturbated to the likes of Henry Higgles and Sirius Black was just horrifying.

“So is it drink when you’ve done the thing and then after ten drinks you’re out?” Mary clarified.

“Yep, though the people who win could probably use a good drink the most. Cut loose, yeah?” James laughed.

Lily silently resolved that she hated her life and chugged her glass of champagne. IF she was going to humiliate herself, she might as well get good and drunk so that she wouldn’t mind.

“I’ll start,” Sirius volunteered. Almost the second the words left his mouth, he faltered. Scratching his chin, he said, “Or actually, I can’t think of anything I haven’t done…”

Lily rolled her eyes. In every game, there was always that one special snowflake who acted as if they’d already experienced all the world had to offer. The holdup they would cause on their turns would always drive her crazy because she could think of several options: had they ever lived as a muggle? Driven a car? Shot up some Heroin? Unlikely.

She ought to have known it would be Sirius.

“Come on, mate. You can think of something,” James urged. It charmed Lily to a degree that James seemed to share her impatience.

Sirius thought on it for another moment longer before he perked up. “Oh, never have I ever been buggered.”

Once more, Lily had to roll her eyes. No one was going to take a drink to that. Staying in the realm of realism was what made the game interesting for people. Caught up in her annoyance, Lily almost missed Margaret Hutchens take a drink.

“No way!’ Peter said more than a little bit grossly. He looked way too keen.

“Stop staring, you prudes,” Margaret said. She didn’t seem ashamed though, meeting everyone’s questioning looks with one of perfect relaxation.

Lily began to suspect that Margaret would lose the game very quickly.

“Sorry, it’s just…didn’t it hurt?” Marlene asked invasively.

Margaret shrugged. Lily was enormously relieved that the Gryffindor’s answer ended there because Lily doubted she could have handled an in-depth conversation on…that. Oh God, maybe she was a prude.

“Albert, it’s your turn,” Lily prompted.

She looked on in pride at the shy Hufflepuff. Since Lily had begun to include him in her pranks – the streaking across the Quidditch pitch and the pantsing of the Gryffindor House team – Albert had begun to gain some notoriety, and in turn, confidence in himself. The gangly sixth-year would likely never have dared sit next to the Marauders at a party before now. Hell, Lily doubted they’d known Albert’s name before he pantsed James at dinner. She felt enormously pleased at the success she’d made of him.

“Okay…never have I ever…earned less than an Acceptable on an assignment.”

“Including if you just never bothered to turn in the assignment?” James queried.

Albert gave him an uncomprehending look. “Of course.”

This time, glasses rose around the loose circle. Everyone but Erin, Mary, and Lily herself had to drink to that. Well, including Lily until Marlene decided to speak up.

“Wait, a second, Lily! You have to drink too!” Marlene cried.

“What? I’ve never gotten lower than an Acceptable,” Lily protested.

“Oh, really? First year. Teacups. Ring a bell?” Marlene said.

It did more than ring a bell. Lily swore she had a war flashback at the mention of the teacups. Oh God, Marlene was right. Their task in Transfiguration had been to transfigure a teacup into a feather. It had been the first practical assignment that McGonagall had given them that didn’t give them a few days to practice first. They’d been expected to just come in and turn one of those damned things into a feather, and oh how Lily had struggled. The class had ended with her teacup almost entirely unchanged.

“McGonagall let me try again though, and I earned an Exceeds Expectations!” Lily tried.

“Maybe because her expectation of you at that point was complete failure,” Alice muttered under her breath.

“But first you earned a Dreadful,” Marlene said with false sadness. “Drink up. I don’t make the rules.”

Given the circumstances, the sweet drink tasted bitter.

“The teacups? Really, Evans?” James chuckled. “You really are bollocks at Transfiguration.”

“Shove off, Potter,” Lily pouted. She’d been turned off tea ever since then. It was _not_ a pleasant memory for her.

“It’s okay. I can do all your Transfigurations,” James said nobly. Lily just glared.

In celebration of being the only ones who didn’t drink, Mary raised her glass to Erin, “To being the only ones that are consistently acceptable.”

“Or better,” Erin raised.

The two grinned and moved to take a sip of champagne, but Marlene stopped them before they could.

“Marks aren’t everything you know,” Marlene said crossly.

Mary immediately lowered her glass, perfectly chastened. “Of course not. No one thinks anything of it…I mean, we were only being silly. No one thinks less of you for getting a bad mark now and again.”

“Whatever you say,” Marlene said petulantly.

Slowly but surely, Lily was coming around to the realization that Marlene was not as committed to the get-Erin-and-Mary-to-fall-in-love agenda as she was. In fact, Marlene was belligerent to the entire thing. Had Marlene exhibited the same behavior about Ian, Lily wouldn’t have been so confused. Then, it would be easy to chalk up Marlene’s behavior to sheer possessiveness. The problem, however, was that Marlene had never cared much about Ian being in Mary’s life, but she clearly wanted Erin far away. Lily didn’t want to give any credence to James’ theory that Marlene just wasn’t comfortable with Mary’s romantic preferences, but it was hard not to think as much given Marlene’s behavior.

As it became Erin’s turn, everyone kind of assumed that her play would be something related to men, like never having kissed a guy or something similar. Instead, she surprised everyone and said, “Never have I ever been to a department store.”

A beat passed.

Then, Henry, who was a muggleborn burst out,” How is that possible?”

Lily, who was taking her penalty drink, wondered the same thing. It was one thing for all the purebloods because the magical economy really wasn’t set up to support the idea of a department store, but Erin was a halfblood. That she’d never even visited a Harrods with her dad seemed impossible.

“It’s not that strange,” Marlene said. “I don’t think my mom’s ever shopped in one either.”

“Yea, but you’re _rich_ ,” Lily reminded her. Then, she turned to Erin, suddenly curious, “You’re not rich, are you?”

“Umm, no. My mom’s a witch, and she’d buy most of my clothes from the shops at Diagon, and my Dad’s always preferred local thrifts, so I just never made it into one. We like to support local businesses,” Erin explained.

It was technically Marlene’s turn yet, but she insisted that she needed another moment to think – her idea was right on the tip of her tongue – so it passed to Mary. Unlike Erin, Mary wasn’t afraid to use her sexuality to score a cheap victory, announcing that she’d never kissed a man. Lily was starting to feel attacked with the way the game was proceeding. The only people with fewer or as many fingers down – a finger down for each drink – were Marlene and Mary. Still, she ought to be thankful that the questions had been so light. It wasn’t like she was trying to hide the fact that she’d kissed a boy or shopped at a Harrod’s.

“Okay, my turn, um…never have I ever seen a penis,” Marlene said.

Just about everyone had a reaction to that. Albert took his drink muttering about how her statement was discriminatory towards boys. Erin gasped out that even _she_ had seen a prick before. Funniest of all was Sirius’s reaction. His eyes just about bugged out of his head. It was the closest to embarrassed that Lily had ever seen him. Not that he had any reason to be. Lily thought that it counted as a point in his favor that he’d been so respectful of Marlene’s boundaries, and who cared if Henry was now smirking obnoxiously about it? Henry was a pig.

“Do you mean in person or do pictures count?” Lily asked.

“Oy!” James cried, nudging her in the side. “What do you care? Makes no difference to you!”

“I was just clarifying,” Lily said before drinking her champagne.

She was none too thrilled with the way James had called into attention that Lily had seen everything there was to see of the male body. Worse, the implicit meaning of his words was that she’d seen his cock too. They’d only been dating for a few weeks, so she could have lived without that piece of information spreading, but she also knew James was just embarrassed like Sirius. It was funny how what was humiliating for girls – being a slag or sexually active – was the opposite for boys. The implication that they weren’t having marathon shag sessions was always enough to turn their ears red.

“I’ve never seen a picture either,” Marlene said proudly.

“It’s just me and you then, since Erin’s…” Mary trailed off in question.

Erin laughed. “You see a lot of things in summer camp. Horrible things.”

“Well here’s to never seeing dick,” Mary said, toasting Marlene.

“Forever and ever!” Marlene cheered. That was the final straw for Sirius who let out a squeak of indignation. Like she was just remembering herself, Marlene blinked a few times and then went bright red. “Right…just got caught up in the moment.” She giggled a tad helplessly.

Mary found all of this hysterically funny and fell into Marlene’s said as she laughed, resting her head on her friend’s knee. While Marlene was abashed under Sirius’s betrayed glare, she couldn’t resist laughing as well, combing her fingers through Mary’s long, blonde hair.

Alice stepped forward to save Marlene and the game resumed again. The next few turns went quickly. Even when the statement didn’t apply to her, Lily began to drink her champagne. In between turns, she took liberal gulps. It was only a few minutes before she polished off her second glass and a toasty feeling began to grow in the pit of her stomach. A switch from champagne to something a little more fun was in her not-so-distant future.

When it came to Remus’s turn, the boy smiled, wide and sharp. “Never have I ever eaten so much candy in one sitting that I had to chuck it all back up.”

To Lily’s disgust, the three other Marauders all took a drink.”

“Eww, why?” Mary asked.

“It was a contest! Our honor was on the line!” James said defensively.

“Who won?” Alice asked.

Proudly, even though Lily couldn’t see why anyone would admit to such a thing, Peter announced, “I did. I managed to eat about four kg. before I had to throw it all back up.”

Lily turned to James, nose wrinkled in disgust. All he could do was shrug unabashedly.

Since that seemed a little targeted, Moony, how about this? Never have I ever been Irish line dancing,” James said.

The knowledge that the other three marauders had participated in Irish line dancing was a little difficult to process. Lily was not alone in her incredulity. It was just weird.

“You’re not the only one he makes bets with, Lily,” Remus explained sheepishly, “and sometimes he wins.”

Irrationally, Lily didn’t appreciate that James was off making bets with other people. She crossed her arms in annoyance. Bets were decidedly their thing. Remus might as well have announced that James was snogging other girls.

…Well, maybe it wasn’t quite that bad.

For Lily, the problem wasn’t coming up with something she hadn’t done – her options were plentiful enough – but rather something she was comfortable sharing. The obvious choice was to say she was a virgin, but that was a bit personal, especially with Henry, Margaret, and Albert there. She didn’t want to say something outlandish or boring either though, which narrowed her choices.

“Never have I ever…broken the law. Wizarding law, at least,” Lily settled.

For some reason, the group found this a madder idea than the Marauders expelling mounds of candy. Everyone stared at her incredulously. Even Mary and Marlene sat with their jaws dropped. Honestly, Lily hadn’t anticipated their reactions. She had a healthy respect for authority and a deep-seated fear of consequences. Of course she’d never done anything illegal! Crazily, she’d assumed at least one of her friends would be the same.

“What about drinking?” Henry asked, nodding to her glass.

“Never did it before my seventeenth.”

“Magic outside of school?” Sirius tried.

“I did some accidental at twelve, but I’ve never performed a spell. I live with muggles, remember. The Ministry would be on my house in a heartbeat,” Lily explained. She _had_ received several citations from the Ministry that summer when she was twelve, but none of that counted. It wasn’t her fault that she’s kept accidentally making her tomato plant grow. She’d just been really invested in winning the summer-end contest and her emotions had spilled over into her magic.

“You’ve never even stolen something small from a store?” Erin questioned.

To that, Lily shot her a scandalized look. “Of course not!”

“You’re such a good girl,” James said affectionately. He tipped her head back so that he could give her a sweet kiss. The alcohol must have been kicking in because Lily wanted to purr at the feeling of contentment that washed through her.

Against her lips, James whispered quietly enough that only she could hear, “Just give me a chance. I’ll corrupt you yet.”

She oughtn’t to have liked the sound of that so much.

“Oh! I’ve got one,” Peter said. He’d been particularly galvanized by the way the Marauders had been targeting each other and was ridiculously eager to make his friends drink in turn. “I’ve never kissed someone!”

While everyone did have to drink at that, it probably wasn’t the victory he’d imagined. Largely, everyone just grew quiet. Lily felt more than a little embarrassed on Peter’s behalf, especially as he interpreted the mood and hung his head in shame.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Peter,” Marlene said gently.

“Yeah, I mean, the whole thing’s overrated anyway,” Alice agreed.

The support from the girls in the group wasn’t enough, so Marlene cast a pleading glance in Sirius’s direction. Sirius just scoffed. “What do you want me to say? This isn’t news to me, and Wormtail already knows I don’t think anything of it.”

Peter nodded but he still looked sad. Lily could remember her first kiss: Raymond Boyd behind the school at six. He’d kissed her and immediately after, she’d changed her mind about the whole thing and kicked him in the knee for the offense. It had been the only time her teacher had to call her parents.

She could remember her first real kiss too, the one that counted. Derek Dearborn had taken her to Hogsmeade in third year. The entire date she’d been desperate for him to kiss her, waiting in agony for the moment to arrive. After hours in town and even tea at Madame Puddifoot’s, Lily had feared it would never happen. Fortunately, he’d met her expectations on the carriage ride back. Sweet and fumbling, he’d kissed her. The first time for both of them. Of course, the next afternoon he’d said something nasty to Sev and she’d been off him forever, but it was still a memory she’d keep with her always.

Sympathy for Peter welled within her. Everyone deserved those memories, the range of all kinds of kisses – the ones that were meaningful and the ones that were disappointing and the ones that made your heart flutter.

Suddenly determined, Lily turned to Peter and beckoned him closer. He scooted forward, looking both confused and hopeful at the same time. Without taking a second to think about it, Lily leaned in and pecked him chastely on the side of his mouth. The whole thing was terribly awkward considering she was still sitting in James’ lap, and as she pulled back, she thought about what that meant for the first time.

Lily was terrified to look but forced herself to turn to face James. Eyebrow cocked, James regarded her with a mixture of challenge and amusement. Her answering smile was weak.

“Didn’t quite think that through,” Lily squeaked. If they’d been alone, she probably would have dropped to her knees and cried about how she’d only felt so bad for Peter it made her stop thinking straight.

With his thumb and forefinger, James pinched her lips together. “Alright, but you keep this to yourself for the rest of the night.”

Lily nodded.

He released her lips, but she was only free for a second before he was kissing her. And kissing James was _nothing_ like the kiss she’d given Peter. Firmly, he pressed their lips together. Lily all but melted, her lips going soft against his as he guided their brief movements. It was hard to remember that they were in a group of people – all of whom were probably watching with varying degrees of annoyance – because the way his bottom lip caught and slid against her own…it made her catch fire.

When they broke apart, Lily became conscious of the fact that she was sweating. That and that she was decidedly tipsy, a fact that went a long way to explaining why she’d thought kissing Peter was appropriate in the first place.

Grinning widely, Sirius called, “Oy, Evans! I’ve never been kissed either,” and then puckered his lips.

Marlene kicked him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To avoid misunderstandings, I just wanted to note that James’ laid-back response to Lily kissing Peter is because neither of them view Peter as romantically viable or an object worthy of jealousy. It’s not Lily being cruel or James a push-over.
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys.


	48. Oct 29: Part II

**October 29, 1977**

“I’m really not that bad a girl,” Lily announced for what felt like the hundredth time.

“Sorry, Evans, but no one’s going to believe that now,” Sirius said. He shook his head side to side like it was a terrible shame, but his smile was wicked.

“But I am good!” Lily warbled, looking at Sirius pleadingly.

“Don’t try that with me now. I don’t make the rules,” Sirius said unswayed. Some would argue that Sirius was, by nature, unswayable.

“Aww, poor Lily. We don’t care if you’re a wild woman,” James said.

Somehow, against all the odds, Lily had lost ten fingers. Lost against Margaret Hutchens of all people! No matter how much she wracked her brain for answers, she couldn’t pinpoint how such an unfathomable thing could have happened. It was like after a point all the turns had switched over to specifically target her and no one else.

What Lily didn’t realize is that her friends had done exactly that. Recognizing that she was the drunkest of the group, they’d all redirected their turns to get her as drunk as possible. Sometimes they would even discuss their answers in front of her, relying on James to keep her distracted while the people who didn’t know her as well asked the other seventh year girls for ideas.

To distract her from her current pouting, James poured her another mixed drink. Tonight she was drinking one of the Marauders concoctions: giggling gin. Already, she could feel that tingling urgency, the one that came with a laugh caught in the throat. The tiniest bit of humor would be enough to send her over the edge and careening into a fit of giggles. And Lily wanted to let go. She wanted to follow that pleasant desire wherever it might take her.

Absently, Lily took a dainty sip of her new drink. Normally, she’d have cut herself off long before she reached this point. She was no foreigner to a blackout, but she tried to avoid it when possible. She was missing her regular caution, however, because she wanted to have fun and for once actually trusted that the people she was with would keep her safe. She trusted him.

Like it was an enormous revelation, Lily turned to James and said, “I trust you!”

“I’d hope so since I’ve been pouring your drinks for an hour now,” James said with a raised eyebrow.

“No,” Lily said, and she gripped his cheeks in both hands so that she could force him to look her in the eye. Her fingers unintentionally smushed his cheeks together so that he resembled a fish. “I _trust_ you.”

Gently, James nudged his nose against her own, the movement every bit as intimate as a kiss. Unfortunately, it was also kind of silly and just the impetus that Lily needed to completely lose control over her giggling, a misfortune because she’d been trying to communicate something important to him. Lily thought maybe he still understood though because he pulled her more solidly into his chest, allowing her to curl up in his lap like a kitten in front of a fire. She thought the metaphor was especially apt because James truly burned like a fire. Burned her.

Somehow it came about that the group wanted another game, and this time they wouldn’t be denied: Spin the Bottle. It was amazing to watch how their little group grew and transformed once the word was out. In a party full of hormonal teenagers, an opportunity to act out some of their sexual frustrations, risk-free, was always popular. Their circle expanded to a sea of new faces, all familiar if virtually strangers.

In addition to being popular, games like Spin the Bottle were also _messy_. There were the nihilists, the people who said: _Fuck it_. _None of this matters. Burn the rule book along with all my inter-personal relationships_. Then there were the prudes, usually girls with a long list of what made an acceptable partner for them. Not that they didn’t sometimes have a good point. Mary and Erin’s insistence, for example, that they would only kiss girls and more narrowly, girls who were comfortable with it, was perfectly reasonable. Finally there were ‘the couples,’ which for the first time, was exactly where James and Lily fell.

“Well, I can’t play,” Lily said, turning to James for confirmation. “You already did the thing with the pinching of the lips and the no more kissing.”

“That’s true…but we don’t want to be…you know, uptight about all this…what if you just played like McDonald and Bauman and only kissed other girls?” James offered slowly.

Lily wrinkled her nose at him. “That’s kind of shitty, James.”

Speculative, James turned to Mary and asked whether or not Lily was right.

“Little bit,” Mary agreed. “Fetishistic and all that.”

“Okay, um…I mean, I trust you,” James said hesitantly.

“And I trust you,” Lily responded immediately.

“And it’s a party. We don’t want to sit out on the fun. We don’t want to be _that_ couple.”

“Right, it’s just a game,” Lily seconded.

They both stared at each other with matching looks of unease. James looked queasy. Lily _felt_ queasy.

She just had to remind herself that none of this was a big deal. So what if James kissed another girl. It was just a game. It would be every bit as meaningless as her kiss with Peter. She wasn’t some insecure, needy child, wringing her hands with worry that her boyfriend might become interested in someone else. Their relationship was still new and exciting, and James had certainly chased her long enough that she didn’t need to question whether or not he found her attractive. As far as James was concerned, she was the pinnacle.

All of her resolve shattered after exactly one turn when Henry practically slobbered all over poor Celia Vance. There was tongue and a kind of sucking noise as they broke apart, audible even in the din of the party.

Lily spun to face James. “Never mind. I’m not playing and you shouldn’t either.”

“Oh, thank Godric,” James said vehemently.

“Really?” Lily asked. She was relieved to see that James didn’t find her needy or weak for backing out. If anything, he looked enormously grateful to not have to go through with the whole kissing other people thing.

“Yeah, I mean, we’re still cool. We don’t have to play to be cool,” James said.

“So cool,” Lily parroted.

“Oh my God! You two are such a couple!” Marlene interrupted.

“Yeah, Marly and I are playing without the house falling down,” Sirius said.

Marlene was right, of course. They – Lily and James – really, really were one of those couples now.  And even in the face of her classmates’ knowing smiles, she couldn’t bring herself to care. They were officially off the Spin the Bottle market.

“We’re just going to watch,” James announced lazily.

“Watch?” Lily questioned. She twisted around so that she was sitting crossways across his lap, sick of not being able to see his face as she talked to him.

“Snog?” James tried again.

Lily’s answering smile nearly split her face.

Discretion when it came to these things was normally important to Lily. Since all of her peers in the circle were engaging in a hedonistic ritual where they snogged each other at random, however, Lily was a little less concerned about it. She lost herself in James. Her senses were just dulled enough by the alcohol that she only had room for one thing, and James monopolized her senses.

She loved the smell of him. All of the contrasting scents that mingled together to create an ambrosia that was just a little unexpected. There was the tang of whiskey, blown into her mouth as they kissed. The almost-neutral-but-not-quite chemical smell of his shampoo. The scent of the deep forest, all fallen leaves and encroaching moss, that seemed to cling to him even if he’d spent his entire day indoors. The musky scent of his natural body odor that somehow didn’t repel her, hidden away under the cacophony that was all of those other competing smells.

Their kisses, each slide of her lips on his, was quick and earnest. Quick mostly because Lily kept spontaneously giggling into James’ mouth. He bore her interruptions well, simply moving to pepper kisses along her chin whenever she wound herself up into too great a fit of laughter.

Winding her arms around his neck, Lily brought his mouth back to hers. This time, she tried to be a little more actively involved. That mean slipping her tongue along the seam of his lips in a silent bid to get him to open up. He did and soon their tongues were gliding wetly together. The way he held her was almost lazy, one large hand running teasingly down her side and his other arm hooked loosely around her waist. In contrast, it was Lily who tried to meld him to her by her grip around his neck and thrust their upper bodies more closely together. While his approach may have been soft, it did nothing to belie the hardness of his chest and body. A curious counterpoint to her own.

A burst of cheering – it seemed some poor bloke had spun the bottle and landed on Alice – broke Lily’s concentration. She turned, offering James her neck, to see what was happening. The sight of Alice grimacing darkly at the boy who edged closer to her was too much for poor Lily. She started giggling anew, absolutely shaking at how terrified the boy looked, like he was marching forward to a fate worse than death. (And knowing Alice, she just might decide to kill him.)

“I’m really glad we’re not playing right now,” James whispered into her ear as Alice gave the bloke a kiss that was more teeth and snarl than anything else.

Lily couldn’t agree more.

“It’s been a while since you told me a joke. I’m bereft,” Lily said.

“In your state right now? You’ll fall off the chair laughing. Best to save it. Don’t drink and joke and all that,” James said.

“No, I demand my joke. Right now, mister,” Lily said bossily, crossing her arms and giving him her best glare.

“What do you think I am? Some kind of clown born to entertain you? That all you have to do is say the word and ten jokes just come flying out?” James demanded.

On a good day, Lily thought his wounded pride act really needed work. Playing outraged only worked if you could keep your smirk off your damnably nice lips for more than five seconds. Today though, she found it hilariously funny like everything else. Chortling, Lily had a hard time getting out her rejoinder. “Y-y-e-yes! Da-ddda-dance, monkey, dance!”

“Unbelievable,” James said. He gave her side a sharp pinch that barely registered. “Seriously though, I’m trying to come up with a good one about kissing but I’ve just got nothing.”

“How is that possible? Kissing should be the easiest material in the world. It’s got all the mouths and the feelings and the fluids,” Lily said.

“I know! But everything I’m coming up with is too...easy. I think that’s why there are no good jokes on the subject. Everyone goes with the obvious and then nothing ever gets written,” James said dolefully.

“Okay, well just give me another one,” Lily urged.

James huffed heavily. “Maybe I’m tired, ever consider that? I’m drunk, not as drunk as you, but I’m getting there, and you expect me to just pull one of my classic, patented zingers out of my hat. It’s not that simple, Evans, and you ought to be ashamed.”

“You’re not even wearing a hat,” Lily muttered.

James narrowed his eyes at her. It was a pretty menacing sight, and she suddenly wondered if they’d inadvertently drifted into real argument territory. If so, they were totally the couple now. The couple were always the two that thought it was appropriate to spat about asinine things in front of their friends.

“Listen,” James growled. “I’d tell you a joke about Chemistry, but I don’t think I’d get a reaction.”

She blinked.

Blinked, and then, “Oh my God! You jerk! I thought you were really cross with me!” Lily berated him, giving him a punishing shove in the shoulder followed by a light punch from her tightly balled fist. James cackled merrily like he was the one who’d taken one too many sips from the giggling gin. “How do you even know that joke? Chemistry?”

“Remus got me a muggle joke book for Christmas,” James said.

“Okay, I get how you knew the joke, but how did you understand it? For all you know, it didn’t make sense. What if it had legitimately not been funny? Not that your jokes aren’t normally humorless. You’ve made a bit of an art from the unfunny,” Lily said.

“It didn’t make any sense at first, you’re right. I had to do order some muggle books on Chemistry to figure it out, but I thought it was pretty clever once I did,” James answered, ignoring her aspersions on his joke-telling.

“Wait…you study the jokes in your joke book? You’ve studied Chemistry solely to understand a stupid pun?” The idea was too absurd to be considered, and yet it was the very absurdity that convinced Lily that was exactly what had happened. She was dating a joke-wielding menace!

“I’m a bit of a Renaissance man,” James said, puffing out his chest. “Well-rounded and all that.”

Lily figured she probably should take a moment – once she was good and sober – to appreciate just how open James was to new knowledge. Even amongst the “unprejudiced” purebloods, there was a resistance to learning anything about muggle culture. All of muggle learning was automatically devalued. That James was so willing to read up on science or attend a muggle film were oddities. Oddly beautiful oddities.

Granted, she’d had to explain what a refrigerator was to him once. The Renaissance man claims may have been a bit premature.

“Oh! I’ve got one! A joke about kissing!” Lily practically leapt off James’ lap in her excitement. “I might mess up the delivery a bit...it’s kind of hard to remember, and I don’t know if you realize this, but –” Lily leaned toward him conspiratorially, “ – I’m a bit drunk.”

“Blimey, Lily. I hadn’t realized!” James said, bringing his hand to his heart. “You hide it so well.”

Lily nodded serenely. “I’ve always been very composed.”

“That you have.”

“Anyways, the joke. Do you know the fairytale of the Princess and the Frog? No? Okay, so in the original story, there’s a princess and she meets a frog that has gotten into her bedroom in the tower…only it’s probably not in a tower because how would the frog have gotten up there? He couldn’t have scaled the walls…anyway, it doesn’t matter. So the frog is in her bedroom, and he says, ‘Kiss me and I’ll become a prince and marry you.’ So, the princess does, and then he does, and then they get married,” Lily said.

“Wait, she just kisses it? On its frog mouth? That’s bloody disgusting. What kind of story is this to tell kids?” James sputtered.

“Oh, don’t act like wizarding fairytales are any better. I’ve read about that enchanted boot wandering the countryside,” Lily snapped.

“You attend Hogwarts,” James said slowly. “What strikes you as implausible about a boot that can travel?”

Lily had to concede the point, which she did by saying, “Shut up and listen to the rest of my joke!”

“I thought the girl being so desperate for a husband that she kisses a frog _was_ the joke,” James said.

“No, that’s just the story. Ergh, would you just listen?” Lily pleaded, less because she was bothered by the interruption than out of concern that she’d lose the traces of the joke entirely if he kept distracting her. “So, in the _joke_ , not the story, the frog tells her that he’ll marry her and then he continues, ‘and once you’re married you’ll clean up after me, and do my washing, and all the cooking’ and she’s a princess too, so I imagine he also said something like, ‘and I’ll never respect your authority as my sovereign but try to take all your power and demand that you cater to my ego forever and ever.’ So after the frog said all that, he told her to pucker up, and instead she kicked him out of the tower…or actually, no, that night she had frog legs for dinner!”

“Oh, Lily,” James said, shaking his head in faux-sympathy. “You went with a woe-is-me-don’t-get-married joke? The lowest form of comedy?”

“No! It’s about the frog legs punch line,” Lily protested.

“No, it’s about how no sane woman would ever get married,” James countered. “The lowest form of comedy.”

“You didn’t find it funny at all?” Lily pouted.

“Oh no, I thought it was hilarious. Especially that bit you ad-libbed about how he’d threaten her power as princess. Very funny stuff,” James said.

Mollified, Lily pecked him on the cheek. They then turned their combined attention to the group of players. The game was slow by design because all of the fun was in the kissing, not the spinning, so people tried to make their moment linger as long as possible. Well, depending on who their partner was they did. Sometimes the best they could do was close their eyes and hope it ended as soon as possible.

It was Marlene’s turn just then. The empty firewhiskey bottle that was being used as the core tool of the game spun rapidly under her decisive twist. As it began to deaccelerate, Lily’s breath caught in her throat. There were some frogs in this circle, and she didn’t want Marlene kissing any of them. Quickly, her worry for Marlene turned into acute concern as the bottle landed on its final choice. There was something fated about how the lip of the bottle landed directly in front of Mary’s well-shined shoes. Mary’s eyes widened uncomprehendingly at the bottle, like she’d suddenly stopped understanding the rules of the game.

Cat-calls rose up from around the circle, all while Mary continued to stay silent in her disbelief. Flustered, albeit a little bit less so, Marlene stared at the bottle as well.

“Well, alright then. The bottle, our ficklest of gods, has chosen!” Sirius announced.

“You don’t have to do it if you’re not comfortable,” Mary told Marlene urgently. There was something wild about her just then, and Lily wished she could have put a blindfold over the eyes of everyone watching because they had no business seeing Mary come undone like this.

“Oh yes she does. It’s in the rules!” Margaret Hutchens said. There’d been so many cases of people trying to back out of their assigned kiss that rules had been made, and a few members of the group were now intensely enforcing them. They lacked the perspective to recognize that this was a different matter entirely. Mary and Marlene weren’t just being unnecessarily squeamish.

“She can do anything she wants,” Mary snapped.

Since an angry Mary MacDonald wasn’t something anyone wanted to face, Margaret backed down immediately.

“It’s fine, Mary, really. It’s only a game,” Marlene said soothingly.

“No, it’s…I don’t want you to feel weird,” Mary protested.

“I won’t. Don’t make a big deal out of this!”

“No!”

“Well, why not?” Marlene insisted.

“Because I’m uncomfortable!”

The circle grew quiet at Mary’s outburst.

“Why would you…I don’t understand,” Marlene said, upset and not bothering to hide it.

“Because we’re friends,” Mary tried weakly.

“So is just about everyone in the circle, and it doesn’t matter,” Marlene returned immediately. There was something in her posture that showed she was aching for a fight. Every one of Mary’s points was going to receive a swift answer.

“Because you’re straight,” Mary tried again.

“Oh, so you can only kiss Erin?” Marlene said.

“No, it’s just – ”

“Mary, you are going to kiss me, and you are going to like it!” Marlene ordered fiercely.

Lily wanted to dig a hole in the ground. Once it was good and deep, she’d bury herself in it. Maybe she’d take Mary as well, just so she too could escape the stifling awkwardness of the moment. Sure, no one but Lily and Mary herself were in a position to understand why everything was so terrible, but others probably had their suspicions, and a sense of unease had floated around the circle, infecting all of them.

It was only with great reluctance that Mary relented. Doing her best to alleviate the tension, Marlene brushed a strand out of Mary’s face and crossed her eyes in a silly face. It did succeed in making Mary smile, though Lily didn’t think it made the moment any better. Feather-light, the two girls leaned in and kissed. Like they had for every other turn, the group began to chant down from ten seconds, the time limit until the two could break apart. Predictably, Mary kept very still throughout. Considering how much she cared for Marlene, Lily imagined that Mary didn’t want to do anything that could be perceived as taking advantage. As a result, all of the movement in the kiss had to come from Marlene, and she didn’t let Mary’s reticence hinder her one bit.

“Three…two…one!”

Finally, the game-sanctioned kiss could end. Like Marlene was covered in spiders, Mary pulled abruptly back, and in doing so, revealed Marlene’s face to Lily. What she saw there was more than a little surprising. Seconds after Mary had ended the kiss, Marlene’s eyes remained closed. The girl came to like she’d just remembered herself and her location, fingers drifting to hover over her tender lips.

Lily didn’t want to read too much into it – Marlene’s dazed expression and the way she hadn’t scooted back from the center of the circle to her waiting seat – but it was kind of hard not to. Missing all of it, Mary kept her eyes studiously trained to the floor. Hovering in her peripheral vision was Sirius, but Lily didn’t want to look at him directly. Something about turning to see his reaction would grant the moment a magnitude that seemed overwhelming and which Mary appeared to be trying very hard to suppress.

“Hey, party people! I brought the yummies!”

Lily glanced up, to just over James’ shoulder, to see Dorcas standing behind the couch holding a box of cupcakes. And oh what beautiful cupcakes. They were bedecked with candy-pink frosting and delicately placed sprinkles carved into the shape of stars. Without taking a bite, Lily could tell that the icing would be frothy and light, while the cake part would be fudgy and delicious. Such luscious looking cupcakes were just about the only thing that could have distracted Lily from the fact that she’d been on the lookout for Dorcas for the past several hours.

“They’ve got a custard filling too,” Dorcas announced proudly as she waved the box around in everyone’s faces.

“Where’d you nab these from?” James asked, hurriedly grabbing two for himself. He’d managed a large bit before his sentence was completed.

“Just down at the kitchens. The house elves will make them for your birthday if you ask, and mine’s tomorrow,” Dorcas said casually.

“What? How did we not know about this?” Sirius bellowed.

“It’s an outrage!” James agreed, horrified and dripping crumbs everywhere.

“All those years of cupcakes _wasted_!” Remus griped with equal drama.

“You didn’t know about that?” Peter asked cheerfully, grabbing his own cupcake.

Three heads turned slowly towards him. It was eerie, like something out of a horror movie, the way they turned in unison. Peter had been eating his cupcakes for years and never thought to mention it to his friends. A capital offense in the world of the Marauders, or any group of teenage boys really.

While they sorted the betrayal out amongst themselves, Dorcas held the box in front of Lily. “Want one?”

“I do…but I had a cookie at lunch.”

Just a glimpse into the box was enough to have her salivating, her very biology pleading that she cave on her rules just this once and indulge. It was a Saturday, the one day of the week she allowed herself sweets. One sweet though. That was the rule, and she’d already had the cookie, and oh god! It was awful trying to reconcile her longing with her principles.

“So?” Dorcas said with a tiny chuckle, the kind that indicated she didn’t know the first thing about Lily and her rules. She settled onto the arm of the couch so that she was sitting directly next to Peter and close enough to still talk to Lily, feet settled onto Peter’s cushion.

“I can only have one piece of chocolate on Saturdays,” Lily said forlornly.

“Or what? You die?” Dorcas asked. “Are you allergic to chocolate? I had a cousin who was allergic to apples, and she would still eat them anyway because she loved them so much. Made her face bright red, but that was the worst of it.”

“No, I just…” Lily reached out and plucked a cupcake from the box. She felt like she was in a dream, that same kind of floating, disempowered feeling that came with dreaming where she didn’t have to make any decisions and life would just lead her forward. All she had to do was react. “I really want this cupcake.”

She brought the confection to her mouth, but just then Alice noticed and called from across the circle, “Breaking the rules, eh?”

The dream metaphor still being apt, it was like she was suddenly woken. Her arm fell back, holding the cupcake at a distance. Mentally, she chastised herself, calling herself _bad Lily!_ And any number of other childish taunts. Her internal struggle became so intense in fact that tears began to blur at the corner of her eyes. She just felt so helpless and terrible. Eating the cupcake wasn’t an option because then everyone would hate her, but she wanted it so much, and couldn’t she ever have anything?

“Lily, are you crying?” Dorcas asked, equal parts disbelieving and amused.

“I just…want it so, so, so badly. You have no idea,” Lily warbled. The tears weren’t falling yet but they were growing precariously close.

“Okay,” Dorcas said slowly, stretching the ‘y’ out to two syllables. “What do you think will happen if you eat it?”

“I’ll be a failure and no one will like me anymore. You’ll think I’m stupid and normal, and so will all my friends, and the professors, and James, and I just can’t,” Lily said and there were definite tears slipping down her cheeks now.

Even in the midst of Peter’s cupcake selfishness – what would forever more be called cupcake-gate – James was able to pull away at her unconcealed wailing. His eyes widened in horror and he looked to Dorcas for answers that the other girl couldn’t provide. A heat was rising up Lily’s back, and she swore she was going to start sobbing any second. Life was just too hard, and even if she didn’t eat the cupcake, she was a failure. A failure because she wanted it in the first place. Winners didn’t feel this kind of temptation. And no one admired a failure. They didn’t invite them to Hogsmeade and ask them to dress up for Halloween. Despite all of her efforts she was going to end up alone and miserable.

Dorcas’s soft face transformed, gone was the kindness around her mouth. In its place was an angular chin and a grit to her teeth. “Lily, you’re worried I won’t like you if you eat the cupcake? Let me tell you. If you don’t eat that cupcake, I will hate you forever. I will literally never talk to you again. Do you want that?”

“N-n-no!”

“Then eat it!”

There was no argument to that, so Lily hurriedly brought the cupcake to her mouth and bit into its gooey center. Heaven in thin paper wrapping. It was every bit as delicious as she’d always hoped.

“Now there you go. All better?” Dorcas sing-songed like she was talking to a baby.

Had she been less drunk, Lily would have sank through the floor. Instead, she just smiled merrily and took another bite.

“I’m taking this,” James announced before plucking her hovering mixed drink out of the air and setting it out of her reach.

“What, why?” Lily bleated.

James gave her an irritatingly knowing look. Okay, so she could kind of surmise why by the way the room was moving too fast for her, but still. There was something kind of cool about the timber of the lighting in her warped perception, the way the shadows from the fireplace grew larger. Now that was what magic was supposed to feel like, not a hastily cast charm, but the feeling of wonder at the world and all that it could hold.

“Oh! I wanted to ask you something!” Lily said, suddenly remembering her previous mission regarding Dorcas. “We – Marlene and I – are going to dress as the Supremes for Halloween, and we have a third costume, and we totally want you to dress up with us.”

“The singing group?”

“Just the one,” Lily said.

“Isn’t that what Shelia’s going as?” Dorcas asked.

Lily didn’t like the way her stomach flipped uneasily at the mention of Shelia. She didn’t much like a lot of things these days though, so she didn’t pay it too much notice. Instead she just shrugged. “I don’t know what she’s doing. We’re going as the Supremes though.”

“…Alright, I mean why not. I’ve always been so jealous of the costumes you guys put together each year. You always look amazing,” Dorcas said.

“Well, I’m always jealous of your clothes. You wear the cutest outfits,” Lily said.

“Aww, thank you.”

“Quick question, have you ever been to a department store?” Lily simply had to know.

Dorcas laughed like she thought Lily was setting up some kind of joke. “Of course I have.”

“Oh God, you’re just perfect!”

Before Lily could think she lunged out of James’ lap to give Dorcas a hug. This involved flinging herself across Peter’s sitting form, separating him from the other marauders who were still berating him over withholding his cupcake knowledge (a lecture that Lily thought was well earned now that she’d tried the cupcake and realized how good it was). Catching her so that she didn’t topple off the couch, Dorcas gripped Lily by the waist and allowed herself to be pulled into a tight embrace.

With the sweet taste of chocolate still clinging to the back of her teeth and the fresh wave of optimism that came with knowing she had successfully made a new friend, Lily found herself happier than she could remember being in a long time. This night was wonderful, a predestined gift to make up for all the drama she’d had to survive in the past month. She hoped it never ended…

“That’s it, you’re going to bed,” James said.

Lily turned her head from side to side to figure out who James could possibly be talking to before she had to admit that it was her. “No, I don’t wanna.”

“You’ve cried, nearly knocked Peter out, and thrown yourself at Dorcas all in the past four minutes. Two minutes ago I thought you were going to bawl, and now you’re grinning like a loon. You need to take a nap, sleep off the alcohol a bit,” James ordered.

When it was all laid out bare before her, she could see his argument pretty clearly. What he didn’t understand though was how she was feeling _inside_. How could she step away from the party when it was still in full swing and the night had so much potential still left out on the table?

“But it’s Peter’s big night!” Lily whined. “We’re celebrating him!”

“And he’ll still be here if you just go close your eyes for half an hour,” James reasoned.

“I don’t want to go to my bed. Maybe I’ll go to yours instead,” Lily said.

“Knock yourself out,” James said casually.

Lily frowned. “All alone?”

James tapped his tongue against the front of his teeth, laughing like he couldn’t believe her. “Are you asking me to take you up to my bedroom, Lily?”

“Well, I’m not asking Sirius.”

With a great deal of griping, James agreed to escort her upstairs. He loudly announced for anyone that might be listening that he would not be staying, and he would resist all her attempts to take advantage of him. All of her really good glares, designed to shut him up and save some of her dignity, didn’t produce a strong effect as she giggled helplessly.

It was for the best that he’d agreed as the amount that Lily had drank became abundantly clear once she tried to navigate the staircase. She wobbled like a three-legged table in an earthquake. Carefully, James hooked his arm underneath her armpits and started hauling her up the steps. Her shoulder dragged heavily against the stone wall as he moved diligently forward. Lily didn’t share his persistence, so she didn’t lift her feet as quickly as she needed to and her left ankle collapsed backwards. Hobbled, she sank halfway into a crouch, which forced James to slow down and look back at her.

“You know, you’re the second drunk person I’ve had to babysit in like, thirty hours, and it’s not exactly fun,” James said.

“I bet I’m more fun than…” Lily wracked her brain for who he could have possibly been with the night before. As far as she could remember, he’d spent the better part of the night with _her_ , “…Sirius.”

“I don’t know. He can be a pretty good time,” James said.

Lily pictured Sirius whipping his hair around as he danced at the club the week before and couldn’t disagree.

Despite his good-natured griping, James didn’t leave her to sleep in the staircase. Sighing heavily, he scooped her up from beneath the knees, so that he could carry her cradled against his chest. Feeling warm and swaddled, Lily buried herself closer and let her head rest on his shoulder. She’d always been fond of that shoulder.

In this fashion, James carried her to his room. Unlike the last time she was there, it was actually fairly neat. It looked like someone had been doing the cleaning with all the boys’ pants hidden away in the basket and their trash placed in the bin. James’ bed was even made. Not that it stayed that way. After James deposited her on the bed, the very first thing she did was tear his blankets up so that she could scramble beneath, pulling them to the very top of her neck.

“Alright, sleep well,” James said.

“Wait, you’re leaving?” Lily cried.

“Celebrating Peter, remember?”

“Peter will still be there when I wake up, remember?”

James chuckled as Lily flipped open the top of the blankets to reveal a sliver of mattress. Seductively, she patted the bed. Throatily, she said, “I want you to come to bed.”

“You’re drunk,” James warned.

“And?”

“And so I’m not going to snog you, Lils,” James said.

Rolling her eyes, Lily said, “James, do you really think I only want you in bed because I’m drunk? Do you think I’d be acting any bit differently if I was sober?”

“I think you wouldn’t be bright red,” James muttered oppositionally, but he allowed Lily to draw him down into the bed alongside her.

Lily felt a little off-balance, even though she was lying down on her back with nowhere to fall. That said, there was something scintillating about it. Her dimmed senses just meant that everything else was heightened. A graze along her side was a shock and then a balm. What was only a low heat in her belly felt like a blaze. And feeding into it all was the sense of pure safety she felt with James beside her. Not safety in that he could protect her from harm, but safety in that she didn’t have to guard herself against his judgment. She wasn’t worried about impressing him or hiding any part of herself. It was the very definition of intoxicating.

They made out for a bit, open-mouthed and legs tangled together. Within minutes James had forgotten all about his refusals and desire for Lily to get some sleep. She couldn’t blame him as they were both pretty damn good together. James was careful with her, more than he’d ever been before, stroking the sides of her face and massaging the tense muscles around her neck. What shocked her more than anything was how there could still be so much heat contained in something so gentle. The energy between them burned every bit as hot as when they were slamming into walls and smashing teeth together. In fact, the way James teased the corners of her lips with his tongue was almost hotter. Her need was growing organically, and she had to rub her thighs together restlessly a few times as things became unbearable.

The only complaint she could possibly make was that the rims of his specs kept getting in the way. She tried to pull them off, but her movements were bumbling and she couldn’t quite manage it. Swiftly, he did the honors for her, depositing them on his bedside table and returning to their kiss.

“Much better,” Lily purred. “I love when I can see your eyes.”

She ran the pads of her fingers around his eyes and then over his closed eyelids. His eyelashes fluttered against her finger, soft as a feather.

“And your nose,” she continued, letting her fingers trail down to explore the ridge of his nose.

“My nose?” James said in disbelief, eyes still closed and perfectly still so that she could explore in peace.

She could understand why he was surprised. James’ nose was probably the only feature of his face that wasn’t traditionally attractive. It was just a little bit larger than average, the slightest bit crooked like he’d been hit with a bludger and never had it reset – not that it hadn’t been crooked long before he started playing Quidditch. The style of his glasses served to minimize his nose, but without them, she could see it exactly as it was naturally, and she couldn’t find a single flaw.

“Yes, your nose,” Lily said. “And your jaw.”

She couldn’t resist replacing her fingers with her lips for this part. The hard lines, like he’d been drawn in swift brushstrokes, just called for her to nip along them. Unthreatened, James exposed his neck to her so that she could better access all of him. There was something of the boy still in James’ face, but none of that was evident in the strength of his jaw. Such clear proof of his masculinity drew to the part of her that longed for the future: for nights spent with a husband and children and a slew of cats.

“Anything else?” James asked, the barest hint of breathlessness creeping through his unaffected façade.

“Hmm, let me think,” Lily tapped her chin. “These are okay too, I guess.” She rolled up so that she could lean over him and kiss him directly on the mouth once more. (Okay was a bit of an understatement). A great deal of her class time over the past several weeks had been spent with nothing but his mouth on her mind. It was less the look of it aesthetically so much as the way his mouth moved when he spoke. It was what you would call an expressive mouth. And as she would watch him talk or bite his lips, all she could think about was how adept he was at maneuvering it to her pleasure.

“Is, um…has, I mean, it’s been five days since Tuesday,” James said awkwardly.

“You’re such a good counter,” Lily teased unhelpfully.

“You’re hilarious,” James said. “What I’m trying to ask is whether I can take your skirt off.”

Lily grinned. “Help yourself.”

The last remnants of her period had dried out late yesterday, so there was nothing to stop them. Lily thought she deserved some kind of medal for her patience up until this point. That she’d had James mouth on her once and then managed to wait so long for a repeat performance was a feat of self-control.

With Lily’s shimmying assistance, James managed to remove her skirt and knickers in ten seconds flat. She proceeded to strip off her top and bra too, so that she was completely naked underneath the covers. James, without having to be told, did the same. He tried to pull the covers back so that he could see her body, but she yanked them firmly into place over the both of them. It was far too cold in the room for that. Layers were their friends. James gave her an adorable pout at being denied, but she ignored it. Tonight was a night for feeling the moment, not for staring at it.

They were both naked against each other, which was a new experience. Up until now, they’d always been vertical, pressing into walls and trying to cling to each other even as gravity so rudely tried to keep them separated. She could quickly become used to the feeling of James on top of her though, her entire body covered by his significantly larger one. So as not to crush her, he’d braced his forearms on either side of her head, but she thought she wouldn’t mind the feeling of his whole body weight on top of her.

Most significant was his cock, impossible to ignore and trapped between his belly and her hip. They were just very close to something. Technically speaking, Lily had never been this close to one of her ex-boyfriends. She’d never let it get to this point because she’d always worried that their expectations would get too high at this stage. With James she wasn’t worried. In fact, she was a little worried she’d have to beg him to have sex with her when the day came (if the day came) because he was so conscientious about her boundaries.

Very carefully, James gave a slight buck of his hips so that his prick rubbed up her hip and along the flat of her belly. He closed his eyes in pleasure. Lily had to fight to keep hers open in turn because for something that hadn’t involved contact with her own erogenous zones, it had felt damn good. An internal pleasure that rose up within her at their proximity and the promise of what was to come.

“James,” Lily said breathily into his mouth. “I want you to –” She cut herself off because she didn’t know how to articulate the thought, the kind of thing that was too dirty to say aloud, and considering the shameful things she’d said with James to date, that was saying something.

Instead of voicing her thought, she decided to make it a reality herself. Feminism and all that. She wedged a hand between them so that she could grip his cock and tugged at it, encouraging James to shift so that she could move it where she pleased. He obliged, gasping wildly when she settled it directly atop her pussy.

“Lily, I don’t –” James said urgently.

“I know. I’m not that drunk,” Lily reassured him. She wasn’t going to lose her virginity like this, and the fact that he knew as much was infinitely comforting.

She just wanted to feel close to him, as close as possible, and short of having him inside her, that meant slanting her hips so that his cock could rest lengthwise between the spread lips of pussy, the head on her clit. The sensations were spasmic and instantaneous, just like she’d predicted they would be. Her head fell back into the pillow behind her.

When she opened her eyes, James was looking down at her with lips parted. He’d yet to move. Unsure as to how exactly this was going to work, Lily didn’t want to just start bucking her hips either. She didn’t want to risk any motion that could involve him accidentally penetrating her, and she wasn’t sure how great the risk actually was because she wasn’t exactly experienced with this. As a compromise, she reached between them again so that she could hold his cock steady. Confident that he wasn’t going to move now, she was able to slide her pussy along the firm length of him. She could hear his sharp intake of breath mixing with her own small noise of arousal.

James didn’t need to be led every step of the way. Of his own accord, he leaned forward to resume their kiss. A sloppy meeting of mouths in which the only goal was to be near one another. His roaming tongue left her lips slick and pink. Meanwhile, James gently removed her hand which had been holding his prick in place. He clearly had faith in his abilities to finish the job now that he knew exactly what she wanted. His hips pumped back and forth in measured strokes, driving him over the top of her mound, along her swollen clit, through the wet lips of her pussy. Her own canting hips only served to drive her clit against him with more intensity.

Her hand now freed, Lily ran it along the stretch of his naked back. Smooth and unblemished, his back was like a blank canvas, a very muscular canvas. One that grew taut and then corded with each flex of his body. When he gave one particularly rough drive against her pussy, her sharp nails drove into his muscles. From there, she explored further down his body, questing over the flexing muscles of his arse. Lily realized that she could use it to drag him against her at her preferred pace and quickly took to encouraging him to hump her faster and faster and then faster again.

Everything felt perfect from the way her nipples scraped against his chest to the luxurious feeling of his expensive sheets, but it wasn’t quite enough. And the longer she went on the verge of orgasming without achieving it, the more desperate she became. Lily left one hand on his arse – squeezing and guiding in equal measure – and moved the other one to his cock once more. This time she guided it so that the blunt head hovered over her clit. She tapped it against herself rapidly. When that wasn’t enough, she placed it on her firmly and began to roll her hips in so that her clit would slide in a circular motion along it.

The tightness in her abdomen grew to a frustrating degree, but her orgasm still lurked miserably just out of reach. Instead of moans, the noises that escaped her were all whines. Pleasure transforming into a need that was somehow more intense than her strongest orgasm to date.

To her extreme dissatisfaction, James abruptly leapt up breaking all contact between them. She vowed to murder him if he tried to leave the room before she was good and satisfied. Worrying that he was going to leave her wanting was foolish of course. All he did was crawl hurriedly down her body so that he could more comfortably reach her pussy with his hand. Two fingers slid inside of her, and he quickly set in on a fast-paced fingering that had her sitting straight up in shocked pleasure.

She gripped onto his shoulder as he crooked his fingers inside of her, manipulating the other side of the nerves that made up the base of her pleasure. His thumb took up the work on her clit in place of his cock, rubbing tight circles against her. As everything came together, her orgasm no longer looked out of reach.

“I know you wanted my cock on you, but you just needed something inside of you. Isn’t that right? You’re going to come now, aren’t you, Lily? Come on, baby. Just come,” James purred.

It wasn’t his words that sent her over the edge, but they were fortuitously timed. Gasping, she reached her orgasm. While it wasn’t her first time coming with something inside of her, she wasn’t accustomed to the sensation of her walls contracting around something, and she could count the number of times she pulsed around his fingers. (Not that her mind was focused on that at all.) After all that build up, the pleasure didn’t disappoint. In fact, the edge of her intoxication made her feel it all the more strongly and she shuddered, ecstasy zinging from her shoulders to her clenching toes.

She wanted to collapse bonelessly into the bed and take her well-earned nap. (Hadn’t the whole point of them coming upstairs been so that Lily could get some sleep?) James was still very much unfinished, however, and she couldn’t leave him like that. With one of her past boyfriends maybe she wouldn’t have minded, but James was such a generous lover that she’d be the definition of selfish if she greedily took everything he had to offer and gave nothing in return.

“On your back,” Lily ordered breathlessly.

Once James complied, Lily slid down his body so that her mouth was level with his cock. She skittered her fingers along the base and blew on the tip. She ghosted her tongue along the slit, already wet and salty. She let her mouth just hover over the head of him. Basically, she did everything she could to work him up, so that he would suffer in the same way she had.

“Fuck, come on, Lily,” James groaned. “I didn’t tease you.”

“The more you have to wait for it, the better it’ll be,” Lily said. Her statement was true though her concern really wasn’t for his pleasure.

“I’ll remember that for next time we’re together,” James said viciously.

His warning had an immediate effect as Lily did not want to experience his idea of retribution. Swiftly she drove down the length of him, making sure to give a good suck as she drew back up. Settling a little past the head, she relaxed her mouth so that James could begin to cant his hips at his own pace. He never pushed deep, staying far away from the back of her throat, but began to thrust rapidly into her wet mouth. She kept her tongue flat within her mouth but slid it back and forth so that he’d experience the additional sensation.

James made all sorts of noise throughout. It was funny how alcohol affected them differently. For Lily, she’d grown quieter with her intoxication, like the pleasure overwhelmed her past the point of speech. Or maybe there was an element to her typical moans that was just for show, and drunk as she was, she forgot that she was supposed to be vocal. James, on the other hand, was a grunting and keening mess. And she lapped up the sounds, knowing they’d be so much harder to rend from him the future.

After a few minutes, she gripped the base of him and took over the pace herself. Her hands stroked him, while she slid her lips wetly along the sides of his cock. That wasn’t going to be the final push that got him off, however, so Lily moved on from that pretty quickly. Instead, she moved so that she rested flat on her stomach in between his spread legs. With both hands she began to jerk him off as quickly as she could.

“James,” she called, urging him to finish. “I came for you. Now it’s your turn.”

His eyebrows drew together, and Lily knew she wouldn’t have to wait long. She quickly ducked her head back down so that she could bring the head of him into her mouth and create a tight seal of suction. Hips bucking he came, and Lily worried someone passing in the hall would hear what they were up to with how loudly James shouted at the first burst of his orgasm.

They weren’t interrupted, however, and they were both able to crash sated back into bed. With a great deal of irritation, Lily realized that she’d carelessly flung her wand aside when she’d undressed, and she had to slide out from beneath the covers to fetch it. Once she’d retrieved it, she dove back under the covers. Then, it was a simple matter of performing a spell to clean her mouth, their sweat-soaked bodies, the covers. Everything was left as pristine as if James had really just tucked Lily into bed for a good night’s sleep and gone on his merry way.

He hadn’t left though, and unlike with some boys who would have stayed due to the prospect of getting off, James had stayed because she asked. His willingness to change course out of a desire to see her happy struck something deep within her. Something hopeful and excited and hot. Something happy.

For a moment, Lily was consumed by panic. This kind of happiness wasn’t normal for anyone but especially not for her. The old saying about the boot drop rose to the front of her mind. There was something she was missing, and everything was sure to fall apart once it was discovered. It had to because that was just how life worked.

She blinked.

And when she opened her eyes, James was still there and everything was as wonderful as it had been a moment before. All this time, even as she grew closer to James, she’d been viewing him as shackles every bit as much as a boy. But he was just James – goofy and strong, someone who could soothe or challenge her as the situation called for it, and someone who she thought also needed her, if she could think as much without sounding self-important.

“James – I…I really like you,” Lily whispered.

“Well, after that performance, I would hope so,” James winked.

She scooted closer so that their noses were just barely brushing. That close she couldn’t make out his features clearly, but she relished the intimacy. “No, I really like you, James.”

This time, he didn’t answer with a joke. “I really like you, too.”

“I know you’ve wanted to make things official for a while now, and you probably think I’ve just been stubborn, but really I’ve been scared. And I don’t want to be afraid anymore. Not with you. Because I trust you, and I think I can be honest with you, and so if things were official, I would be happy with that,” Lily said quietly.

Despite her hushed tone, James heard every word. He leaned in and pecked her on the nose.

“That’s alright, Lily,” he said.

“What do you mean?” Lily asked. “You do still want to…?

“You’re drunk, sweetheart. If you still feel the same way, you can talk to me in the morning,” James said.

“It’s not because I’m drunk,” Lily said petulantly though she couldn’t argue with his thinking. Considering how adamant she’d been on this point to date, it made sense that he’d be skeptical.

“All the same,” James said. “I mean, nothing’s changed. I’m still the guy who made your best friend hate himself, so I understand if you think differently in the morning.”

“I’m a liar,” Lily blurted out.

“What?”

“I lie when I don’t know what to say. It’s kind of my thing. Not that I lie to you a lot. I think I lie to you a normal amount, maybe just a little above-average, but in general. It’s just instinct, and when I said we couldn’t date because of Sev, it was a lie,” Lily confessed in a hurried rush.

“Okay…I mean, I already knew you lied a bit. Sometimes you make it kind of obvious, but I don’t get why you’d lie about that,” James said.

“Because I like to pretend I’m perfect, and saying the problem was Sev was easier than admitting to you that I was afraid of you,” Lily said.

“I’m not that scary,” James said lowly.

“I know. I just…I think I was kind of burned by Sev. He always wants everything. And then I look at the women around me. My sister, Shelia, and even my mum a little bit, they’re so quick to throw everything they care about away just for the man in their life. They’re just consumed by them, and I knew we wouldn’t be any different. I’d want to make you as happy as possible, and if that meant giving up everything, I think I would. Will,” Lily said.

“Lily,” James stroked her cheek, just a soft brush up and down. “I would never want you to give up everything. Hell, I wouldn’t want you to give up a single thing. Well, except other blokes; I could live without that. What would make me happy though is you having all your friends and your future and your interests. I just want to be a part of that.”

Dangerously close to crying again, Lily closed her eyes so that she wouldn’t have to see his sincerity. It was the look she’d always dreamed of seeing, and the moment was perfect. Not even a remote let down.

“I know that but…so much of our relationship has been you having to prove yourself to me, going back to when we were kids. I guess I was kind of worried that once you had me, well, you’d feel like it was your turn to make me work for it. Not that I’d blame you for that, but…” she left her thought unended.

“Yeah, but of course I had to earn your trust. I was a prat for so long. This isn’t about getting even or anything like that, Lily. If you were disappointing or obnoxious or whatever you think you are, I would have walked away already. I like who you are, and I’ve seen a lot of it,” James said.

“I was supposed to go to Prague this summer,” Lily said, referencing the trip that Petunia had unceremoniously cancelled because she’d put her new boyfriend above the dreams of their childhood.

James levelled her with a wary look. “O-kay. I’m not going to stop you.”

He was probably very surprised when Lily launched herself at his lips, but he definitely returned her joyful kiss.

When they finally broke apart, Lily said, “Tomorrow. You and me. We talk and make everything official.”

“No backing out now,” James teased.

“I wouldn’t dream of it. Tomorrow,” Lily repeated.

And tomorrow couldn’t come fast enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that kids, is what we call progress.
> 
> I get a kick out of this chapter, which was written almost entirely in a Pizza Hut of all places, so I hope everyone reading did too. Please review and let me know what you think. While this story’s winding down, I still really appreciate feedback and the knowledge that someone out there cares a tenth as much as I do about this long, ridiculous story.
> 
> Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!


	49. Oct 29: Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are so wonderful. I got so many great reviews from the last chapter (maybe because I shamelessly begged for them lol, but still). I really appreciate all of the guest reviewers who took the time. I can’t reach out to you personally like my other reviewers, so I’m putting it here: You’re all wonderful and too kind.
> 
> I know it can be annoying sometimes when an author pushes for reviews, but it’s really just a function of how much of my time & energy is spent on this story when I have no one in my personal life to really discuss it with. Hearing from people through reviews and engaging in dialogue there is really the only release I get & it’s enormously needed considering I’ve now been working on this story for a year and we’re 400,000+ words in. So thank you!!!
> 
> Semi-important note here. I somehow, somewhere along the lines, screwed up the dates, not in that what I’ve posted to date was wrong but that I wrote too many chapters that haven’t yet been posted. When I first realized, I tried to find a way to turn the last day of the story into a 5 chapter extravaganza, but I couldn’t quite manage it. Some of those events cannot take place on the same day.
> 
> So, instead of lengthening the duration of the story, I’m just going to subtract a day from every chapter to date. So when I posted the last chapter it said it was the 29th, but once I backfill, it will say it was the 28th instead. It shouldn’t make any difference to the reading of the story and it means the story will last a couple more weeks so all should be well.
> 
> I hope everyone…enjoys.

**October 29, 1977**

The room was quiet.

Just hours before there hadn’t been a corner of the houses other than the Slytherin’s that weren’t noisy and overflowing with boisterous party-making. The party the Marauders had thrown in honor of Peter had transformed sometime around 4 A.M. into a bacchanal of old, minus the sacrifices and blood. Everywhere one turned there were bodies grinding feverishly together and alcohol splashing to the floor. Friends talked too loudly, unable to measure the volume of their voices when their blood was stirring with rum; couples fought and made up publicly for all to see; bodily secretions of every kind were ignored – sweat, vomit, saliva.

All in all, the students of Hogwarts had proven just how obscene a group of teenagers could be when they were free to submit to the pleasures of hedonism without any adult guidance.

The room, now at nine in the morning, was still.

James stumbled to his feet, slipping on some spilled butterbeer in the process. He regained his feet and continued on with singular purpose. Reaching an empty wastebasket in the corner, he threw up a stream of bile.

There, now he could return to sleep with all the decent people who would never dream of greeting the day before noon on a Sunday.

To his surprise, James wasn’t alone. He noticed as he turned around that Dahlia was there, crouching over where Remus was sleeping. With incredible care not to wake him, she placed a blanket over his shoulders, tucking the edges down around him. A few of his memories were obscured, taking on what he’d describe as a grimy film with the alcohol he’d consumed, but James was pretty certain he hadn’t seen Dahlia and Remus interact at the party in a way to explain her newly affectionate behavior.

Dahlia jumped a bit in surprise when she saw James staring at her. She couldn’t have possibly missed him vomiting in the corner, which meant she’d thought she could sneak away before James noticed her. If she’d taken his moment of staring to run, she probably could have convinced him that the entire thing was a figment of his imagination because his brain wasn’t functioning at full-capacity, but instead she froze like a rabbit, and James was able to commit the event to memory.

“No blanket for the others?” James asked quietly, nodding at where Sirius was sleeping.

She shrugged guiltily. James looked her over more carefully. Unlike the rest of them, she wasn’t in her clothes from the party but rather in a warm-looking flannel pajama top with sweatpants on the bottom. Her hair was in a disarray like she’d only just woken and her eyes still held the dreamy haze of sleep. Since she was a Gryffindor like them, James couldn’t figure out where she’d gotten the pajamas as they certainly weren’t in their common room.

“Where’d you sleep?” James asked.

“Um…just upstairs,” Dahlia said, embarrassed. James put two and two together, realizing that she must have hooked up with one of the Hufflepuffs last night. The sweatpants were baggy on her frame, like a bloke’s.

James probably should have left it out of respect for Remus, but he couldn’t stop himself from sneering, “You’re unbelievable.”

“Remus can judge me. Not you,” Dahlia whispered, stepping away from her sleeping ex-boyfriend.

“How could I not?” James demanded in turn.

Unable to remain standing when he was still dizzy and slightly drunk, James resettled onto the couch. To his surprise, Dahlia sat on the floor opposite of him, looking speculative. Without his realizing, he’d just set himself up to have a heart to heart with a girl while he was hungover and miserable and dying for nothing more than a few more hours of sleep. James resisted the urge to moan.

“I don’t know what he told you about me, but we did have our reasons to break up,” Dahlia murmured softly. “I know we’re young and people say we have all the time in the world, but I don’t think that way. My dad died when I was only four. Life can be short, I know that better than most, and I’m not willing to waste a minute on it with someone who doesn’t see a future for us. I love Remus, but if he can’t bring himself to treat us seriously, then I can’t be with him, and I won’t apologize for looking for someone else who will.”

Somewhere in the back of his mind, James had known about Dahlia’s deceased father, but he’d never really taken the time to inspect that knowledge and apply it to her situation with Remus. A motivation like that was so blameless that James had to cough guiltily at the way he’d demeaned her a minute before.

“What you have to understand about Remus is –“James stopped himself, unsure what he could say to fix things without revealing his friend’s secret. “He did take you seriously, more than you can imagine. It’s a self-esteem thing with him. He has this…thing in his life that he can’t talk about, and it makes him think all sorts of things about himself, untrue things. But if you’re just there for him and consistent, you’ll start to understand.”

“You say that like it excuses everything. What am I supposed to do with that information?” Dahlia said.

James tried not to get frustrated as he answered, “Give him a second chance.”

“He has a huge, identity-influencing secret that he won’t share with me that makes him not want a future together, and there are no guarantees he’ll ever change. Why would I want any of that?” Dahlia said, and this time James didn’t try to answer her rhetorical question.

Instead, he thought to Lily and that potion she was working on. There was a hope for change, even if Remus didn’t recognize it himself. Lily would complete that potion, or at least the start of the research, and then others, great potioneers, would commit themselves to the same study. Give it a year, two at most, and they’d have a potion that allowed Remus to keep his mind during the change or something to suppress it entirely! Then, gone would be his shame at his loss of control; the stigma would go shortly after. Everything would be fine and he would be able to open up to Dahlia fully. She just had to stick it out a little longer.

“He might get better. The problem could go away with time,” James said, suddenly urgent in his need to convince Dahlia not to throw away everything she had with his best friend.

“Do you know what the worst moments in our relationship were? The ones where I thought I might hate him?” Dahlia asked, a challenging glint in her eyes. “The ones where he’d tell me he loved me. Knowing that he had some huge secret – because I did know, how could I not? – and that he didn’t see fit to tell me…that’s not love. Love can’t exist between two people who don’t know each other, and you can’t know someone if they only show you the parts they’re proud of. All a relationship is is a commitment to sharing your life with another person. Anyone unwilling to do that is just playing around.”

Her words rang too true for James to argue. He didn’t want to pursue his thoughts about her comment though because it led to a place he didn’t want to consider. A relationship was about honesty, a trait he possessed in abundance and…certain unnamed others didn’t. A relationship was about sharing the worst parts of yourself and your day, like his discovery about his parent’s intervention with the Head Student position, not hiding away the ugly parts…like perhaps a student who was torturing you for fun.

“Don’t tell him I was here,” Dahlia pleaded.

Some part of James wanted to urge her to change her mind. Loyalty to Remus all but demanded it, but he couldn’t do it. She was right about everything she’d said. Remus’s relationships weren’t bound for failure because he was a werewolf. They were doomed to fail because he was a _liar_.

So James said nothing as Dahlia went back upstairs to her unknown Hufflepuff lover. Said nothing and fell back on the couch and into another couple hours of deep sleep.

 

James had been awake for the last quarter of an hour. Awake but desperately wishing that he was not. He was fairly certain he didn’t have a headache, but he was afraid that the moment he opened his eyes and was exposed to the fractured sunlight streaming through the narrow windows that would change, and he had little desire to experience the unforgiving, pulsing headache that so often accompanied a night of whiskey. The whole avoidance thing could only last so long though because he wasn’t alone on the couch and the other occupant had kicked him in the stomach twice in as many minutes.

Reluctantly, James opened his eyes to a wrecked common room. A painting had been knocked sideways – its occupant dangling from the frame – one yellow-black tapestry had stains all over it, and there were glasses scattered across the floor, some intact and others smashed into bits of glass. All James could think was that he was glad this wasn’t his common room, though knowing how his house liked to party, it likely hadn’t fared much better than Hufflepuff’s.

The kicker turned out to be Remus, who was having some sort of fidgety dream, though thankfully not a nightmare, judging by his dopey smile. He was holding the blanket Dahlia had left him like a teddy bear, caressing the fabric to his cheek. Looking far less comfortable, Peter lay sprawled out across the floor with his hand resting in a bowl of jelly beans. Sirius sat in an armchair. He was perfectly awake and sipping a cup of tea.

“Didn’t think to make two, did you?” James asked. His voice was scratched completely raw, a byproduct of having to scream over the music for nearly six hours last night.

“‘Fraid not.”

James couldn’t say he was particularly surprised, consideration never being Padfoot’s thing. Now Peter was a good friend. He would have made sure James was woken to a cup of tea and toast…if he wasn’t passed out and drooling.

“Reckon we must have had fun last night,” James said.

“You blacked out?” Sirius asked.

James shook his head. Mercifully, James hadn’t lost all memory of the night before and certain meaningful conversations he’d had with the red-haired temptress in his life. Now that would have been a disaster, probably ending with Lily changing her mind altogether. And James didn’t know if he could stomach that particular disappointment.

He tried not to think about how Lily still didn’t know what he’d done Friday night.

Unexpectedly, Sirius asked, “Did you give Regulus a hard time the other night?”

Lily wasn’t the only one James had left in the dark about Friday’s many confrontations. Knowing what a brat Regulus was, James had expected the kid to run squealing to his brother at one point or another. Squinting since he wasn’t wearing his glasses, James couldn’t make out whether Sirius looked bothered or not. He had no way of knowing how to frame his answer.

“He was being a twat about your mum again,” James said, aiming for casual. “It’s not like I promised you I’d leave him alone or anything.”

Getting defensive with Sirius was a rookie mistake, and James regretted it instantly. Sirius had too good a nose for sniffing out guilt, and in his world, guilt only accompanied the worst wrongdoing.

Sirius laughed roughly. “Would it make a difference if you had promised?”

“Of course it would,” James said. “I keep my word.”

“Oh yeah. I sure did love our night together, just the two of us,” Sirius drawled sarcastically.

Not being an idiot, James put together what was happening pretty quickly, but he still needed a minute to convince himself that he wasn’t missing something because there was _no way_ Sirius was throwing a fit over James not honoring his promise to hang out with him alone last night. The extenuating circumstances had been huge. To be upset would be completely unreasonable. And yet…

“Mate, Peter had just been let out of the hospital. What did you want me to say? ‘ _Hullo, Pete, so great to have you back but I’m off with Sirius for some fun and you’re not invited_?’ Don’t be a prat,” James said.

Not so much as a single muscle in Sirius’s face moved.

“That’s just ridiculous! Peter’s our friend!” James said.

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wanted to talk to you about something important?” Sirius asked.

Trying to keep the frustration out of his voice, James said, “Well, I’m here now. We can go get breakfast and talk.”

“The moment’s gone,” Sirius said darkly.

James didn’t know what to say, feeling wrong-footed in the area of his life in which he was usually most certain. He was all too familiar with moody Sirius, but it was next to unheard of that his anger would be directed at James. Try as he might, James couldn’t pinpoint where the problems had started either. It was like one day they were fine and the next Sirius had grown a year’s worth of resentment.

There was one major change though that James had recognized was bothering Sirius for weeks. The evidence had been piling up while James pretended not to notice because he didn’t want to acknowledge that his relationship with Lily was a problem for Sirius. Once he did, he’d have to admit that he was choosing a course of action that hurt his best friend out of pure selfishness. There was no other way to act, however, because giving up Lily would destroy him. She’d weaseled her way into his life and become the very foundation of the person he wanted to become. Better to cling to all of his justifications and wait.

Now though, Sirius was forcing his hand. So, delicately, James said, “Listen, I know you don’t like Lily –”

“I like Lily,” Sirius interrupted.

“What?”

“I like Lily,” Sirius repeated simply.

Under normal circumstances, James was a believer in trusting his gut. He’d observed Sirius’s reaction to Lily for weeks, and the evidence that they had a major problem was overwhelming. There was Lily’s constant judgment of Sirius’s choices, their quibbling over Sirius’s treatment of Marlene, an underlying tension regarding Lily’s relationship with James. All of that combined to suggest that the two Gryffindors really didn’t get along.

There was just one problem with that conclusion. When it came to James, Sirius never lied.

Sure Sirius could withhold his feelings with the best of them, but he would never outright lie to James’ face. It was part of why James didn’t ask questions he knew Sirius wasn’t ready to answer. Once asked, Sirius would be compelled to answer honestly, and James didn’t like to put that kind of pressure on his friend. So given all of that, James was forced to quickly reassess everything he knew because only one thing was certain in that moment: Sirius genuinely liked Lily.

“I thought you had problems with her,” James said.

“I wish she’d lay off my relationship, yeah, and occasionally she makes me barmy, but that doesn’t mean I hate her or anything. She’s alright,” Sirius said.

“So you being upset lately…it’s not about Lily?” James asked slowly.

“I didn’t say that.”

James wanted to bang his head off the table beside the couch. Every direction of this conversation just left him more confused and he wished Sirius would just spell out the situation plainly. Sirius liked Lily, but she was still the problem? James didn’t know what the hell that meant!

The whole ordeal was made all the more uncomfortable because they were in foreign territory – namely, the Hufflepuff common room. While they were alone for the moment, James was cognizant of the danger of some random student overhearing them.

“Explain,” James ordered gruffly. He found his glasses in his pocket and slid them on so that he could better search Sirius’s body language for clues.

“I mean that just because I like Lily as a person doesn’t mean I like the two of you together. It means that I don’t think she’s a tenth as serious about you as you are about her, and watching you set yourself up for misery isn’t my idea of a good time –”

“Shows how much you know!” James barked. He was more than a little indignant. Sirius had no business interfering with his relationship, and James had thought Sirius would show him the respect to keep his opinions to himself. “Lily told me that she wants to make things official just last night. She’s not leading me on or making me the fool or whatever else you thought she was doing.”

“Bully for you,” Sirius muttered.

“What the fuck? I just told you that your worry was unfounded and you’re still pissy? What do you need to hear me say?” James demanded.

Sirius rolled his eyes. He managed to convey an enormous amount of disdain through the tiny motion. It made James feel small and ridiculous. A feeling that only made heat rise up the back of his neck in retaliation.

“I _want_ you to let me finish,” Sirius said. “I’m thrilled that Evans decided you’re worth the time. Absolutely spiffing news. But that was only my first problem with the two of you, and I’m more bothered by the second anyway.”

“Which is?”

Sirius grew quiet as he considered. James could see the calculations spinning through his friend – no brother’s – head. He was deciding whether or not to answer. “I just…do you even know what’s going on with me lately? You’re just never there and with everything I’m going through, I would have thought you’d care, but you’re off chasing skirt every time I look for you. The problem isn’t Lily. It’s you.”

There was a clock on the wall above James’ head, and the sound of its ticking hands resounded loudly in the room. On one level, James felt awful. He hadn’t spent much time thinking about Sirius’s well-being lately. Even knowing that the Blacks were launching a full-scale, manipulative attack to coerce Sirius into returning to their twisted tribe, James hadn’t become involved. On another level though, James bristled at the accusation. He hadn’t been ignoring Sirius’s situation. Rather, he’d been waiting for Sirius to open up about everything. His silence had been born out of respect, not indifference. The day Sirius came to him ready to talk, James would be there.

“You know I care,” James protested.

“The evidence has suggested otherwise,” Sirius answered coolly.

Not shouting his outrage required James digging his nails into the flesh of his palms. The evidence? He had six years of constant concern but all it apparently took was a few weeks of distraction and Sirius developed a convenient bout of amnesia regarding all of the things James had done for him over the years. (Opening up his home came to mind.)

“Listen, yes, Lily has been a priority for me lately, but that doesn’t mean anything changes with us. It’s like Quidditch, yeah? I always obsess over the season, but that doesn’t mean I’m not there for you,” James said. “I still care.”

“Slytherin party. Two weeks ago. Regulus said that horrific pureblood shit, and we went outside to talk it out. What happened?” Sirius said.

“I don’t know. You never mentioned,” James said.

“You never asked.”

James felt sick, and Sirius looked sick despite the gleam of triumph in his eyes. James had never thought to _ask_. Desperate to do something with his hands, James rubbed along the stubble that had begun to grow from a day and a night without shaving.

“I need a glass of water or some coffee and to brush my teeth. Let’s get out of here, and then you can tell me just what the hell you’re getting at,” James suggested more sharply than he’d intended.

Sullen as he was, Sirius still wasn’t going to deny James such a reasonable request. They agreed that James should run back to the Tower and get dressed for the day. Then, they would meet in a quarter of an hour and continue their conversation on equal, groomed footing.

The walk back to the Tower was spent entirely lost in his own thoughts. A million different scenarios, each more unpleasant than the next, plagued him as he imagined what his conversation with Sirius would entail. The smoothest path would be to apologize immediately and profusely. Listen to Sirius’s demands and agree to meet them. Once that was out of the way, things could return to normal. All James would need to do was settle for a little chastisement and agree to spend less time with Lily.

The problem (besides his hesitance to agree to less Lily) was that he didn’t want to admit any wrongdoing. With every step he took he grew more convinced that he’d done nothing wrong, and that Sirius was just being a git. He could hardly be expected to grovel for forgiveness because he’d been seeing a girl. Rather than appease Sirius, James had half a mind to return to his friend’s side and tell him that he was a right twat who needed to gain a little independence.

That particular imagined scenario never ended in James’ favor, so he spent the time it took for him to brush his teeth trying to suppress the urge. _Play nice. Play nice. Play nice._ This wasn’t some jumped up Slytherin, this was Sirius. He couldn’t let this devolve into petty insults. They both had complete destructive power over each other, and their hits would land way too close to home.

Caught up with his strategizing as he was, James took a bit longer than the agreed upon fifteen minutes to get ready. He was just tossing on a fresh set of robes – ones that hadn’t been the landing zone for a quarter bottle of giggle water that had spilled the night before – when the door flew open. James sighed, fully expecting to see an impatient Sirius standing at the door.

“I’m coming, you bloody –”

James paused when he saw that Lily was the one waiting at the door, not Sirius. A quick glance was all that it took to convince him that he’d rather be dealing with Sirius.

Lily looked awful, an adjective he’d never before used to describe her. The makeup she’d worn last night hadn’t been removed but had streaked to make her eyes a smudgy, darkened mess. Her hair was unbrushed, unkempt. She was wearing two different patterned socks for Merlin’s sake. Worst of all, were the dark circles beneath her eyes. All the physical evidence suggested that Lily had been crying.

The moment the realization struck him, James took a step forward, wanting to comfort her. Everything about her body language, however, screamed at him to stay away. She actually flinched backwards as he moved forwards, and her eyes darkened to something unwelcome. Accusation was written plainly all over her face.

And James knew why. He wanted to play dumb, not even to protect himself from her but to protect himself from what he’d done to her. He didn’t want to be the person who’d made her look so distraught, who’d made her cry, but he knew that he was. It had always been only a matter of time before she heard about Nott’s trip to the Hospital Wing. Somehow, he’d always imagined she would take it better.

“I asked you to stay out of it,” Lily said hoarsely.

“I know,” James said.

“And?”

And nothing. James felt guilty, sure, for upsetting her, but he didn’t feel an ounce of regret for what he’d done. Had his retribution against Nott been violent and awful? Yes, but in James’ opinion, the bastard had gotten off easy with only a broken leg and a concussion to whine about. Every bone in his body shattered would have been more fitting.

And still not enough.

When he’d learned that Lily’s mystery tormenter was Nott, it had been like he was having an out-of-body experience. His rage had carried him through the castle on the hunt. It was only after he’d slammed Nott’s head up against the wall, had heard that sickening crack of meat against stone that he came back to himself, and it still wasn’t enough to stop him. He’d still kicked and stomped into the joint of Nott’s knee until that had emitted the satisfying sound of a break as well. He’d been perfectly clear-minded as he drove home that particular lesson.

“I told you to stay out of it. I explained why I felt like I needed to handle it on my own. I all but begged you to respect that!” Lily cried.

“Oh, you needed to handle it on your own?” James snarled, his own ire arriving unexpected but blazing. “That didn’t stop you from asking _Snape_ for help.”

“That’s different! That wasn’t about Nott at all, it was about – You know what? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if I trusted Sev to help and not you or if I trusted Voldemort himself over you! I asked you to respect my decision, and the second you had the information, you raced off to beat up Nott! Just last night I told you that I trusted you, and all that time you knew!”

“Yes, it’s obvious how much you trust me. Not enough to tell me who’s literally torturing you or to help you out, of course, but it’s not like those things matter in the first place. You sure do trust me,” James spit.

Lily released a frustrated shriek, balling her hands into fists by her sides. “You can’t possibly hope to make me feel guilty for not trusting you about Nott when you just proved that you can’t be trusted!”

James sat down on the edge of his bed, hoping the move would encourage Lily to do the same, but she stayed standing. Stayed fighting.

“Well, you can’t expect _me_ to feel guilty for trying to protect you!” James shot back.

“I didn’t need you to protect me! I had it under control,” Lily said.

“Under control? Last time you saw him he stabbed you! I’d hate to see what out of control looks like in your world,” James said.

Lily shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. Clearly she hadn’t expected him to know about that incident, and her argument kind of fell apart in the wake of it.

“We weren’t going to be partners anymore,” Lily said quietly. “I was finding a solution.”

“This was the solution. Now, that fucker will think twice before he gives you – or any other muggleborn – a hard time. Sometimes a lesson is the only thing that works with these people,” James said gently. He could sense that Lily was quavering, and if he could just talk her around, they could back away from the ledge they’d found themselves perched upon. The end was almost within reach.

Lily directed her eyes down to the floor. “I wanted to beat him on my own terms. It meant a lot to me.”

“You did beat him. It’s all over now. Don’t you see?” James said.

It was the wrong thing to say somehow because the dimming fire in Lily’s eyes sparked back to life. “No, _you_ don’t see! All Nott thinks is that I had to ask my stronger, pureblood boyfriend to fight my battles for me. And what does that say about me? That I’m too weak to manage by myself. Nott doesn’t think I’ve beaten him, and he doesn’t recognize what a mistake he made when he decided to target me. He’s known from the start that you were strong. It’s me that had something to prove!”

“Alright, come on then,” James ordered. He grabbed Lily by the arm and began steering her out into the hall. She didn’t resist, but her arm was tense under his hold.

“Where exactly are we going?” Lily questioned.

“To find Nott. Don’t worry about if he’s not alone. I’ll take care of any of his friends, and we’ll make it clear to him that I’ll take the fall for you. That way you don’t have to worry about getting in trouble with the professors. Then, you just hex away. I’d recommend targeting his leg again – the left one. It’ll hurt twice as bad because even with Pomfrey’s potions a bone stays tender for a few days after a mend,” James lectured.

Lily slowed to a halt, and James had to stop as well or risk dragging her down the stairs. The look she levelled him with was one of pure disgust. Her glare was perfectly identical to the ones she used to direct his way when they were fifteen. Seeing her regard him like that zapped him of every bit of confident determination he had in his body. When she turned and strode back into his dormitory, he followed, shutting the door behind him in preparation for what he could only assume would be the continuation of their argument.

“You just don’t get it, do you?” Lily said the moment the door had closed.

“No, I guess not. You say you want to show him that you can beat him? Then go do it! You’re just about the strongest witch I know. You could decimate him.”

“I can’t beat him with violence. If I hurt him, that’s just proof that I’m some kind of animal that can’t control myself. That’s what he’ll say. That the rabid mudblood attacked him,” Lily said.

“Don’t say that,” James ordered sharply.

“What? Mudblood?” Lily’s laughter bordered on the cruel.

“Yes!”

Lily crossed her arms over her chest, but the move didn’t look defiant. Instead, she looked like she was holding herself together, like if she were to remove her arms, all of her organs and guts and things that made her Lily would come tumbling to the floor. As angry as she was, she was also vulnerable.

Sighing, James decided to share an honest truth. “I understand that you wanted to show Nott he made a mistake, but you were never going to convince him, Lily. There’s no way this ended where Nott walked away thinking he’d misjudged you. If being strong and brave and wonderful was enough to make people see the truth about muggleborns, then they would have abandoned their beliefs within minutes of entering Hogwarts. No one who’s thinking clearly could meet you and think that you’re anything less than extraordinary.”

“It was never just about proving something to Nott,” Lily confessed, her voice lowered to all but a whisper. A susurration that would have gone unnoticed if he hadn’t already been listening intently for her response. “It was about proving something to myself too. He made me feel small, weak…unsafe, and it’s only going to get worse after we leave here. I’m scared, no terrified, that I’m going to spend every minute outside of school feeling like this, and it’s awful. I just wanted to convince myself that I could handle it, keep myself safe –” Lily’s voice cracked and her eyes grew wet. “Maybe if I could stop Nott, I could stop what’s coming next.”

Even as he told himself to give her space, James reached out for her. Watching her cry like that was too heartbreaking. Already the tears had spilled past the seal of her eyes and were trailing down her cheeks. She didn’t push him away when he carefully rested his hands on either side of her ribcage, not quite drawing her into a hug because he worried she’d reject such an overt display of comfort.

“You are _safe_. I think you’re so close to all of this that it’s hard to think clearly but really look at the situation. Nott’s going to leave you alone. So what does that tell you? That you’ll be fine here or anywhere else. You can weather all of this,” James said softly.

“But that’s just because of you,” Lily protested.

“So? I’ll keep you safe here or anywhere else. I promise.”

Rather than comforted, Lily grew agitated at his words. “I want to keep myself safe. Why aren’t you getting this?”

“Maybe because it’s stupid,” James said, perhaps more harshly than was fair, but he was getting frustrated with the way the conversation was moving in circles. Plus, he’d already been worked up from his argument with Sirius. He was tired. “I’m sorry, but what does it matter how you’re kept safe so long as you are?”

“Because I don’t trust you!” Lily burst out. “What happens when you’re gone, hmm? I can’t afford to rely on someone else.”

“I know you’re upset because you feel I went around your back with Nott –” Lily scoffed at his choice of words, “– but we resolved this last night. I promise you, I’m not going to make you choose. I want you to have everything, just like we discussed. Our relationship isn’t going to be about you sacrificing yourself for my needs, so stop worrying about it.”

“And how can I possibly believe that?” Lily asked. She’d stopped crying. “You can’t let me have something as basic as making my own choices. You took away my chance to have some faith in myself, the most fundamental thing a person should have. How can I trust you with anything else now?”

Had he imagined this moment, James would have predicted he’d feel nauseous, maybe a bit numb, some combination of panicked and miserable. He did feel all of those things, but his best guess would have missed the emotion that burned hottest of all in the moment: the pure outrage. He was angry, enormously so. An act that had been born of nothing but his care for her had been twisted into something controlling and malicious. His every word was now suspect. All of his previous good deeds, all of their time together was forgotten in favor of the absurd narrative that he couldn’t be trusted.

Under the distorting influence of all that anger, it was hard to maintain perspective, to remember that he had knowingly ignored Lily’s wishes and that her feelings regarding Nott were sympathetic. He was tired of being understanding. Remembering to empathize with the other side of all these accusations was growing harder because the natural inclination of a person under attack was always, always to defend, and James was no different.

“You can’t trust me to let you make your own choices?” James scoffed. “You must be delusional. Every step of this thing between us has been on your terms, not mine. I don’t decide shit because I’m too busy giving into everything you want, trying not to scare you off by having an opinion that you don’t care for. All of this ‘Oh, James, I’m worried that I’ll just start making my every decision based off what makes you happy’ –” James raised his voice into a trembling falsetto to intimate Lily, “– It just sounds to me like you’re worried that you might have to compromise every once in a while. That not everything in our relationship is going to go your way.”

Lily looked stunned. “That’s…that’s not fair. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready to date you at first, but everything was moving so fast! You can’t hold it against me that I wasn’t ready.”

“Maybe not,” James admitted, “but then you can’t claim I don’t respect your decisions either because I’ve been nothing but considerate of how you feel.”

“Until now when I needed it the most! I just can’t believe you did this to me,” Lily said, sounding halfway to broken, like she was dangling by a thread. “And now you’re bringing all of this up to try to distract from the argument, to try to twist everything around so that you’re the victim and I’m the awful bitch who leads you on.”

“You brought it there first,” James reminded her. In the back of his head, he recognized that it was a great sign that neither of them had made a move to leave. With any of his past girlfriends, James would have been out the door ten minutes ago. This willingness to stay and hash things out spoke volumes of their commitment to each other. Unfortunately, James desire to stay waned with every passing minute.

“Do you expect me to praise you for not forcing me to date you before I was ready? I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish here, but the fact of the matter is that I started to trust you, against my better judgment, and I shouldn’t have,” Lily snapped, steel returning to her voice and posture.

“You lecturing me about trust? That is rich. Have you ever considered that you’re the untrustworthy one? Have you considered that when I say we operate on your terms, I’m not just talking about making things official? You lie and you decide what parts of your life I’m allowed access to and when,” James shouted. “I can’t trust you when you’re hiding everything from me either.”

“Like what?” Lily foolishly demanded. Foolishly because James was armed and ready with the answers.

“You never told me about Nott, and not just his name. Even letting me know someone was harassing you was an accident –” James held up a hand to silence her rebuttal, “– I know, I know. I proved that I couldn’t be trusted with that, but how about this: You never told me what your fight with Shelia was about. I’ve managed to work it out for myself now that I know about Nott, but you would have left me in the dark forever. A fallout that huge with your best friend and nothing.”

“You of all people should understand being private about your friends. You don’t share the Marauders’ business with just anyone,” Lily said.

It felt good to have her on the defensive, so James couldn’t resist pushing on her weak point. “I’m not just anybody! When I found out about Remus and Dahlia, I told you, and that was before we’d even kissed. You can’t claim I keep secrets about my friends from you. I’ve been an open book since the start because I actually wanted, unlike you, for this thing to work between us!”

“You’re right! I’m – I’m sorry…I just – so I didn’t tell you two things,” Lily said.

“There’s more. How about what changed that made you friends with Snape again? Or why didn’t you tell me after he intimidated you in the Hospital Wing. Don’t try to deny it. Peter saw you,” James challenged.

“I – I – I wasn’t ready,” Lily said helplessly.

Rather than triumphant, the further James backed Lily into a corner, the angrier he became. Listed out all at once, her little transgressions started to add up into something unforgivable. Maybe he’d fucked up – though he’d argue the point vigorously – but so had Lily, and she had no right to stand there and sanctimoniously preach to him now.

“Then there’s you and the other guys. Fawning all over Carmichael.”

“We’re friends. We went on one date, and I told you there was nothing to worry about!” Lily said with a gasp.

“Kissing Peter last night,” James continued.

“You can’t be serious? I was drunk and trying to be nice, and it was Peter. He doesn’t count! You can’t possibly think I’d be interested in him,” Lily protested urgently.

(A very fair point, and one he’d accepted last night, but he was kind of past the point of fair and rational just then.)

James laughed humorlessly. “It shouldn’t be this hard.”

“What shouldn’t?” Lily asked.

“You and me. Dating’s supposed to be fun and easy. Not whatever this is,” James said. All of the fun moments they’d shared felt very distant to him just then.

“James, you know that I’m scared of letting people in, of losing them, so I lie and try to hide parts of myself,” Lily said urgently. “But I’m getting better.”

“Have you ever considered that all that paranoia’s going to be what drives them away?” James asked coldly.

Maybe everything would have been different if she’d started to cry again. The sight of Lily’s tears would have shocked his brain into working again. He’d remember that this was Lily and hurting her was just about the last thing he wanted to do. She didn’t cry though. Her face just grew oddly blank, like she was the drawing of a human rather than a living, breathing person. The sight of her, emotionless and uncaring, only fed into his worst instincts.

“I’m done. I’m not doing this with you anymore,” James said. He walked past her to the door. “You can stay if you like, but I’m leaving.”

He didn’t allow himself a look back to see her reaction. Another if, but if he had, he would have seen Lily standing perfectly still in the center of the room, mouth slack and wearing an expression of pure agony. He didn’t look though. Instead he marched off to meet Sirius at the agreed upon spot outside the kitchens. Caught up in his argument with Lily, James was nearly forty-five minutes late.

When James arrived, Sirius was long gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter could be titled “James’ No Good Horrible Very Bad Day”. One of the shorter chapters of the story, but you can’t rush a climax chapter, so…Thanks for reading and I hope everyone enjoys their weekend…unlike James, who really really didn’t.


	50. Oct. 29: Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor James got beat up on a bit this chapter. Next chapter we get to switch perspectives and see the fallout on Lily’s end. Though I bet most of you can kind of predict what that will look like. Thanks for reading!

**October 29, 1977**

The corner of the library that James and his friends had carved out for themselves was relatively quiet, buried in the far back behind the stacks on treating Botobur pus wounds – not a subject many students were interested in pursuing. The privacy worked perfectly for James who wanted nothing to do with his fellow students that afternoon. Occasionally, a younger student would wander over, almost close enough to say hello, but they would always go running a minute later as they caught sight of James’ unwelcoming scowl.

There was only two criteria to being allowed access to James’ criteria, and yet there were currently only a handful of people at Hogwarts that fit them: they couldn’t be annoying and they couldn’t be in any way angry or disappointed in James.

As he worked furiously on his Potions essay, James was reconsidering whether Peter and Remus – the only two people sharing the table with him – still met those criteria. Remus had certainly chosen to be annoying against the rules of the corner, and James was debating whether he was petty enough to throw Remus out from the table. He decided against it solely because the way his day was going, they would probably have a friendship ending row if he tried it.

“I’m just saying, is there anyone at this school who doesn’t hate you right now?” Remus asked for the dozenth time.

Since hearing what had happened with Lily and Sirius – a very, very abridged version of the events – Remus had been good-humoredly digging for greater detail. Gossip hound that he was, Peter leaned forward avidly each time Remus asked, like James might suddenly decide to start spilling his soul to them.

He wouldn’t have even told them if he’d been thinking clearly. Not at first at least. Only, Remus and Peter had run into him fifteen minutes after he’d left Lily. They’d been able to read that something was wrong immediately, and James had still been too stunned to do anything but admit that he’d just chucked Lily. The truth about his argument with Sirius had come out a minute later when the lads had suggested that they find Sirius and get plastered. Sirius wouldn’t be rushing to James’ aid today.

So here they were. In the library for the seventh hour straight because it was the only place James felt like he could confidently hide from everyone else while numbing his mind through productivity to everything that had happened.

Answering Remus’s question, James said, “You and Wormtail don’t hate me. That’s who, and if you disagree with that, you can find somewhere else to study.”

“Can I still use your Transfiguration notes to work on my essay?” Peter asked, decapitating a chocolate frog with his front teeth.

“Sure.”

“Then, I think you’re aces,” Peter grinned.

“I can’t believe we live in a world where people are asking to borrow your notes,” Remus muttered.

“I’ve gotta enjoy it while it lasts because it’s all over now,” Peter said, merrily flipping through James’ notes.

“What’dya mean?” James asked.

“Well, you only took these because of that bet with…you know who, and I don’t think you’ll be bothering with that anymore,” Peter said. James had repeatedly reassured Peter that Lily’s very name wasn’t forbidden, but he’d cagily refused to speak it since they’d entered the library. There may have been some sense behind Peter’s recalcitrance because James had certainly been unpredictable that day. Still, he wasn’t about to lose his temper over four letters – four letters that, yes, when strung together elicited thoughts of a very frustrated and maudlin nature, but still.

“Yeah, I guess not,” James said.

The idea that the bet was officially over threw him. They were only ending things a few days early. Officially, the bet would have ended Tuesday at midnight regardless, but there was still something horrible about his failure to see it through to the end. James remembered how Lily had argued how much the bet had mattered on Friday, how they owed it everything, and his throat thickened.

“Sure, we’re fine with you, but is there anyone else?” Remus continued undeterred. “You have all of Slytherin house out for your head right now.”

“Bunch of wankers anyway,” James said.

“Sure. Then you’ve got Evans, which means probably all the girls,” Remus said it like a question, speculating about how that strange, foreign loyalty girls so often shared would manifest when the transgressor was one of their very own. “And then you’ve got Sirius. That’s a lot of people, mate.”

“Yes,” James grit out. Though Sirius wouldn’t stay angry with him once he heard about Lily. Their whole row was about her in the first place. He’d come running back full of apologies when he heard that everything was back to normal. They’d be fine.

He stabbed his quill into his essay so aggressively that the nub snapped off, and he had to root through his bag for one of the pens he’d bought form Mary. If he wasn’t very much mistaken, Remus was taking a little too much pleasure in his suffering. He said as much to Remus.

“Sure, it’s called schnaferfude, but I mean, obviously I’m sorry that you’re going through so much,” Remus said tactfully.

“Couldn’t happen to someone less deserving,” Peter added.

James nodded at that very true statement.

“You’re right. I’m being a git,” Remus conceded even though James hadn’t argued the point. “I guess the rest of us have just been so miserable this month that it felt like it was your turn to share in the misery. I really am sorry for it though.”

To a degree, James had missed it, just how truly awful the month of October had been for everyone but him. Remus had his breakup with Dahlia. Peter was in the hospital. Sirius was apparently emotionally wrecked though James hadn’t seen many signs of it. Several times James had been faced with the kind of events that could have ruined his month – his realization about his former bullying, the business with his parents buying him the Headship – but Lily had always been there to cheer him back up again. For his friends, they’d just been trapped in their respective cycles of depression.

“Well, you’re both due to be feeling better anyway,” James said. “We can finally say that Pete’s got his health and it’s time for you to perk up and forget about Dahlia. A week is long enough.”

Remus sighed. “I’m not…Truthfully, I’m kind of over Dahlia at this point. I mean, I still like her, and if I thought she’d take me back, well, I’d come running, but I’m not broken up about her anymore like I once was. I’m just miserable in general.”

“That’s not much better,” Peter said, wincing.

“If not her, then what’re you so upset about?” James demanded.

Remus looked at him like he was stupid. “All the reasons things didn’t work with Dahlia are just going to repeat themselves. I’m mourning everything I won’t have, getting used to the idea of a lifetime of loneliness.”

Mentions of a lifetime of loneliness probably weren’t appropriate just then considering James had been broken up with his girlfriend of less than a day for less than eight hours. James shrugged off the shiver of understanding that crept up his back in favor of focusing on Remus. He hated that Remus still let himself get caught up in the torturous thoughts that plagued him.

“Don’t be stupid,” James urged him. “You won’t be lonely. We’ll all get a house together, and you’ll never have a moment to yourself. Trust me, you’ll be begging for some time alone after a few months.”

Remus smiled a touch sadly. “Thanks. It’s not the same though, and you know it.”

“Fine, then you just have to wait a little longer, maybe a year or two. Then, someone – maybe…L-Lily – will have come up with some sort of solution, and were – I mean, people with similar furry problems, will be coming out into the open. Then, you’ll be able to find Dahlia or some other girl and be perfectly honest with her. It’s just a while longer,” James said.

“Oh will you lay off with that shite,” Remus snapped.

Every hair on James’ body stood at attention. His heart was clenched up from the stress of the day, and his adrenaline coursed closer to the surface than usual. Everything about him was primed and ready for another fight. If Remus insisted on taking that tone, James was probably going to start yelling.

Fortunately, Remus grew apologetic almost immediately. Sighing, he said, “I’m sorry. Just there’s no cure or fix or anything else. For weeks now every time I try to talk about what I have to live with, you just interject with this pipedream about how none of my problems will exist someday. I want you to just shut up and listen. Try nodding. No potion, Lily’s or someone else’s, is going to work.”

It was like being told magic wasn’t real. James – already emotionally spent – deflated entirely. Somewhere deep down he’d always known as much, but the drive to feel like something could be done for Remus had blinded him. Maybe it was that he no longer had something to strive towards in order to help his friend. From fourth through part of sixth year, the Marauders had possessed a goal. Every time James worried about Remus, he was able to remind himself that things would improve soon. They’d all be animagi and Remus would hurt himself less. Problem solved. With that accomplished and the gains of being animagi no longer feeling like a rush so much as the norm, James had been desperate for a new sense of purpose when it came to Remus’s furry problem.

Today was about losing things, however, so it was fitting that he lost that hope as well.

“Yeah, you’re right,” James said glumly.

Remus nodded sharply, but a sense of understanding filled the space. The issue could be laid to rest.

“I’m going to go smoke a blunt,” Remus announced, standing up.

“You doing that again? What happened to quitting?” James asked.

“I quit because I wanted to lie to myself. Don’t much see the point in that anymore.”

With that, Remus left, and James couldn’t begin to decipher whether Remus’s change in stance represented progress or a regression. Maybe a little bit of both. Being human meant living in shades of grey, and being a werewolf only heightened that hopeless ambiguity two-fold.

Peter wasn’t working on his homework, but he didn’t make any moves to leave the table as James returned to his. There was a comfort in the silence, in the escape into the complicated history of ingredient imports from Thailand to the UK that was the subject of his essay. One of the great things about being friends with Peter was his keen sense for what anyone needed in a given moment. James didn’t have the slightest sense of what he needed, but he knew that Peter did. So if Peter wasn’t making any moves to initiate a conversation, it must be because James himself wasn’t ready for it. Not needing to make decisions for himself was comforting too.

The safety of their silence began to diminish as the sun sank lower in the sky, and the natural light that illuminated the library began to dim. The lanterns that replaced it felt artificial. Worse, the setting of the sun indicated that time for dinner was drawing near. James would have to face the world again. Sure, he could skip dinner in the Great Hall and opt for a kip down to the kitchens instead, but that would only provide a temporary reprieve. Tomorrow would still come and with it classes and the increasing need to interact with human beings that didn’t meet the criteria to enter his corner.

He threw his pen down on the table and sank back in his chair, a posture of defeat. On Mondays he shared several classes with Lily. Making exes sit in the same classrooms ought to be outlawed. Like a divorced couple they should get to divvy up their activities – Lily could keep their Head duties. James would take Transfiguration. Charms was all Lily’s. And so on. Picturing McGonagall’s face as he made this suggestion wasn’t even enough to elicit a chuckle from him.

He didn’t know what he could expect from Lily come tomorrow, and every possible scenario felt like a knife to the heart. Say she didn’t show up for classes, then he spent the whole time worried that she was holed up in her room sobbing and that it was entirely his fault. Could he live with that? Could he live with if she showed up to classes like everything was perfectly normal? When her friendship with Shelia had collapsed, Lily had skipped the entire next day of classes. James liked to imagine he warranted a similar response. Seeing her bright and lovely on Monday morning would kill him, proof that things had never been serious between them. That ‘they’ had never even existed.

Like he was stuck on a swinging pendulum, James decided to get up and go to Lily every other minute. The next minute would then be spent reminding himself that he had ended things for a reason, and they should stay that way. Ended. Merlin, he hated the word.

“Okay, are you ready to talk about it?” Peter asked, interrupting a particularly miserable thought of James’ about how truly devastated Lily had looked as she begged him for explanations as to how he could hurt her by going after Nott. The interruption was greatly appreciated, which didn’t mean James knew the first thing to say.

“I don’t know, Pete. I’m…I was really furious,” James said.

“Well if you were that upset, I’m sure it was for a good reason,” Peter said generously.

James had no idea how to respond because he wasn’t sure any of his reasons actually were legitimate. To convince anyone he was right, he’d need to spend at least ten minutes framing the day’s events so that the listener would understand his state of mind at the time of the argument. His father always said that if you couldn’t convince someone that your side had merit in under thirty seconds, then your argument was never true to begin with. After twenty minutes of bickering – that was one thousand two hundred seconds – he hadn’t been able to sway Lily to his side. Granted, she hadn’t been able to convince him either, so James had no idea what that meant. Neither one of them was right?

Strictly speaking, James wasn’t the most introspective person of his age. He relied on his immediate senses and his gut. The way he organized his reality was by looking at the objective, the indisputably real, and discarding the rest as excess frippery. While he was perfectly capable of deeper thought, he rarely partook in such thinking because the truths it unearthed – about society, the world, and James himself – were rarely pleasant, so his ability to access that part of his critical thinking was like an undertrained muscle. One he’d been refusing to utilize since his argument with Lily. Now though, he couldn’t resist the urge to give it a little flex.

On the surface – the level James normally chose to operate on – his answer to Peter’s question was: I broke things off with Lily because she accused me. One action begat another. Such an explanation was so insufficient compared to the depths of his feelings for Lily that he knew he had to dig deeper. It was no struggle at all to delve down another layer, where James could say that he broke things off with Lily because she accused him _which made him angry_. An action began an emotion, which resulted in an action. Here’s where he typically liked to stop his thinking as it pertained to his personal choices, but this too was insufficient.

Why had he been angry? What Lily had accused him of had been perfectly true. Knowingly, he’d acted against her stated interests, while fully expecting her to become upset when she learned of it. James fundamentally disagreed with her decisions regarding Nott, but that didn’t mean that her reaction to him ignoring her wishes was unjust. If Lily had meddled behind his back, he’d be annoyed even if her actions improved his situation because of the principle of the matter, the breaking of their implicit partnership.

No…he wasn’t angry because Lily had objectively wronged him (and admitting that took some effort on his part). James had been upset because the consequences as she’d laid them out to him – the loss of her trust only hours after the breakthrough of the night before – had been too terrible for him to accept. There’d been no small amount of fear coursing through his system during their entire argument, manifesting in a dry throat and sweaty palms. The entire time, he’d been waiting on tether hooks for Lily to reject him. Even if she hadn’t chucked him today, he thought it would have been a matter of time given that the trust was gone. Trust being one of those things that was far harder to earn a second time than a first.

So, by first, thinking his motivations over thoroughly and second, by being honest with himself about the conclusions he drew, James was forced to admit that he had ended things with Lily because he had been terrified that she would decide he wasn’t worth the trouble. For someone who usually had a pretty high opinion of himself, it was a cognitively dissonant realization. Maybe all of that confidence only existed because he avoided any situation that allowed it to take a hit, never forming close enough romantic relationships that he could be hurt.  Just about every rejection he’d ever sustained had come from Lily. She’d always been his one exception, the girl who was worth all that risk. But when it came down to it, he’d balked. Some Gryffindor indeed.

The entire time James processed this, Peter waited for an answer. The boy grew increasingly alarmed as James’ silence grew, hands fidgeting restlessly and eyes darting side to side. Just because James knew the truth now, however, didn’t mean he could say it.

“Things just spiraled out of control. It was like one second we were fine and the next second I was walking out the door,” James said, settling on something that was every bit as true as it was meaningless.

“And everything’s back under control now?” Peter probed.

“I guess not.” Yes, he was no longer shouting or storming about the castle in a rage, but that didn’t mean he’d fully recovered. He’d made an impulsive decision and his center had been thrown off-balance as a result. He didn’t know how to regain his orientation. Where he sat now – emotionally speaking, was foreign and his body was unhelpfully reminding him of the stress that came with the unknown every few minutes by spiking his heart rate and sending him debilitating rushes of anxiety.

Peter rubbed his chin, while giving James an assessing look, like a healer who was searching for a prognosis. “I think you made the right decision. Sure you’ve always liked Lily, but liking a thing from afar isn’t the same as seeing it up close. As great as Lily is, she’s high maintenance. A lot of work. You need someone who’s easier, doesn’t make you run back and forth. It was essentially what James had told Lily, that a relationship shouldn’t be so difficult. Hearing it from Peter though, James just sounded lazy. Lazy at best! Entitled at worst, like he wanted a girl who was a blank page and never did anything pesky like have needs for James to meet. He didn’t want to be that guy. Most of the time, he was positive he wasn’t that guy. He’d been happy to adapt for Lily because all of her needs had been reasonable and she’d risen up to meet his without him ever having to articulate exactly what he needed. The only area she’d ever failed in was meeting James’ need to feel like he was someone trusted, a protector who she could rely on. All James had failed at was earning it.

Worse, a tiny sliver of doubt about Peter and his motivations had infected him. Gone was the blind trust of a mere few weeks before. Then, he would have nodded along, knowing Peter had nothing but his best interests at heart. Hell, Peter _had_ warned him about Lily before, and James had listened. Now, he couldn’t help but doubt because Peter could be a little too eager to say goodbye to Lily and James as a couple out of his doomed crush on Lily. (And it was doomed. James couldn’t believe he’d acted jealous of Peter of all people earlier. He’d been so desperate to find some way to accuse Lily of something in return that he’d crossed into the ridiculous.)

James shook his head like he could shake the traitorous thoughts away. Peter had done nothing to deserve this kind of suspicion. Crush or no crush, Peter understood loyalty.

Seeing him shake his head, Peter must have thought he was disagreeing because Peter rushed to add, “Besides, you need to think about Sirius. If you had to choose, Padfoot was always going to win.”

“Of course,” James agreed automatically.

Personally, James didn’t think it would have come to that. Still, chucking Lily was a hell of a gesture, indicating how much James valued their friendship. Once Sirius heard, he’d come running to set things right. Once that was settled, then James could turn his attention to other things. First Sirius, then Lily.

It was the first time he’d admitted to himself that things with Lily weren’t as over as he’d claimed that morning.

Rather than drag out their conversation, James told Peter they should go get some dinner instead. He had a plan of action now: fix things with Sirius. Just the feeling that he was making his own choices was enough to overcome his nervousness about what, or who, he might encounter in the Great Hall.

As it turned out, he should have been a little more wary of who he was going to come across in the corridors. The distance from the library to the Great Hall was so short that he’d thought his chances were pretty good. But as he was halfway down the one staircase from the library to the Great Hall, he ran into one of the people on his “Avoid at All Costs” list. Granted, the list was a little longer than usual, and Shelia wasn’t even in the top five, but still.

Catching sight of him from the bottom of the stairs, Shelia’s eyes narrowed. She appeared to be with a group of fifth years – a wee bit desperate if you asked him – all of whom she unthinkingly abandoned as she stormed up the stairs to accost him. As little as he expected to enjoy this conversation, James squared his shoulders and continued towards her, pace casual and unhurried.

“James!” she snarled.

“Marks.”

“Don’t just stand there all innocent. You broke Preston’s leg. He has a concussion!” Shelia said.

“Huh, yeah I did.”

James was fairly surprised that Nott was telling people. Not because he’d thought Nott was incentivized to keep it a secret but because no professors had descended upon him yet for fighting in the corridors. That meant Nott must have only shared it with Shelia and wasn’t reporting him. Possibly, Nott was trying to cover his own arse since his behavior with Lily would land him in trouble as well. That or he intended for his retribution against James to be a little more personal. James would need to be careful as he walked around after dark for a while.

“Yes! And how could you do that?” Shelia screeched.

“Well, the concussion’s probably from when I slammed his skull off the wall,” James answered cockily.

Shelia’s hand flew to her mouth like she was disgusted. Even though Nott deserved none of it, Shelia clearly cared. A lot. “You’re sick.”

“Only as sick as your boyfriend,” James quipped.

“Hardly. He’s not parading through the school terrorizing people,” Shelia said. “You know, I always used to defend you, but Lily had the right idea of it. You’re just some kind of sadistic bully.”

The dig rolled off him like the waning tide on sand. What caught and maintained his attention was Shelia’s assertion that Nott didn’t terrorize students throughout the castle. He’d kind of assumed Shelia knew, but then again, Nott had hidden his proclivities well enough that James hadn’t realized Nott was such a threat before Friday. Being his girlfriend though, Shelia had to be close enough to recognize, at the very least, that Nott’s opinions came with some disturbingly violent undertones. Right?

On the off-chance that she didn’t know, James decided to help her out. “Shelia, your boyfriend’s not a good guy. The psycho that’s been terrorizing Lily? It’s Nott. It’s been him this whole time.”

“Who? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Shelia said.

“She never told you?” James asked, secretly a little pleased that Lily had kept this a secret from everyone and not just him. “He’s been torturing her for being a muggleborn.”

This new information washed right over her, never taking root for even a second. Confronted with such unwelcome information, Shelia simply shut down. She wouldn’t listen. Not to him.

“Your attempts to justify things are honestly pathetic,” Shelia said, unshaken.

James almost chuckled at the depths of her stubbornness. “My justifications? Think about it for a minute tonight as you fall asleep, what’s more likely that all your friends are involved in a vast conspiracy against you or that your boyfriend’s evil?”

“Lily’s always been competitive and jealous –”

James cut off whatever tirade that was going to be. “No, you’ve always been jealous of Lily. She’s a competitive maniac, no doubt, but she also loves you. She wouldn’t throw you out or try to ruin you because you found happiness, and deep down you know it. You know it because underneath all your insecurities, you love Lily too. You just need to remember it.”

Both of them were pretty surprised in the wake of that outburst. All of James’ focus on his own motivations had left him abnormally primed to sort through someone else’s. At the root of everything it always seemed to come back to insecurity.

“You don’t know anything about it,” Shelia said, but her protest was weak. James was certain that he’d seen right through to the heart of her, and they both knew it.

With a scoff that was mostly for show, Shelia swept past him, all but knocking into Peter as she went.

Because James was still petty underneath all of his newfound insightfulness, he called after her, “Not even going to tell Peter you’re happy to see him up and walking?”

Peter, who’d been cowering in the hopes of being forgotten all this time, threw James an alarmed look. By now, Peter ought to have been used to it. James had never been one to let somebody have the last word. (Lily could attest.)

Reluctantly, Shelia turned and congratulated Peter on his release from the Hospital Wing, perfunctory and unwilling. Peter nervously babbled his thanks. James rolled his eyes at Peter’s long-running discomfort at even the smallest confrontation.

“Seriously, mate, you have got to grow a backbone,” James said once Shelia was out of range to hear. He resumed his walk down the stairs, suddenly aware of how hungry he was.

“You’re right, James,” Peter agreed readily.

“See that doesn’t reassure me,” James laughed. “Come on, I’m hungry enough to eat a hippogriff.”

As if his life hadn’t been unexpectedly ravaged that morning, James walked into the Great Hall with all the comfort of a man who answered to no one. The rest of the school must have been fairly oblivious to the drama amongst the Marauders (a small comfort) because there was no great hush that fell or reaction to their entrance. James considered taking the cowardly route and finding some friends amongst the other houses to sit with, maybe announcing an impromptu Quidditch team dinner so that he could avoid having to approach the rest of his friends currently sitting at the Gryffindor table, but pushing off the inevitable had never been his style. Things were over with Lily and he and Sirius were on the outs, yes, but those things shouldn’t affect his ability to share a meal with the others.

Just about everyone was there. Sirius with Marlene, Remus who was devouring everything in his path, Alice, and Mary. No Lily. James didn’t quite know what to make of that. It was a Sunday though, so people would trickle into the Great Hall for dinner from five to eight. She could just be opting to eat later.

Casually, James plopped onto the bench beside Sirius. It had been left empty as always because it was naturally James’ spot. With a side-long glance, Sirius regarded him like he couldn’t fathom what James was trying to do. Less subtly, Marlene craned her neck around her boyfriend to give him her fiercest glare.

“Can we talk after dinner?” James asked. “I think we need to.”

“I think we need to talk too,” Sirius agreed. James breathed a sigh of relief, unfortunately Sirius was not finished. “But the time for that kind of came and went.”

“Listen, I got caught up with something, and I’m sorry. Can’t we just talk tonight,” James whispered, unpleasantly conscious of the listening ears around them.

“Actually, we have plans,” Marlene answered instead.

James could remember the catty kind of interference Marlene ran against Alice when she was on the outs, and he could hardly believe the situation had progressed to the point that her passive-aggressive ire had been transferred onto him. He waited for the moment that Sirius would correct Marlene, inform her that sorting things out with James would take precedence, but it never came. The silence stretched out between them uncomfortably long.

“Are you meeting to interview Erik?” Mary asked, fully focused on Marlene.

“Yes! I think I’ll have what I need to start writing by the end of the night,” Marlene said.

“What are you writing?” Peter asked. James was grateful because it kept the conversation going and prevented James from having to ask himself. He was fairly certain Marlene would ignore any questions coming from him right now.

“A revised take on my last article on blood politics at school,” Marlene said. “Lily set me up with Erik Carmichael. Between conversations with him and Sirius, I feel I’ve really gotten a better understanding on different views at Hogwarts. Rather than just detailing the social break down at Hogwarts, I’m going to actually interview different students. It’s a more mature take on the subject, closer to investigative journalism. If it turns out well, I’ll probably send a copy to that reporter from the _Prophet.”_

“Congratulations, Marlene,” James said.

Everyone stared at him.

“I’m actually finished. You?” Sirius asked Marlene.

She nodded and the two took their hasty leave. James could hardly believe that his mere presence had been enough to chase Sirius away from the table. Looking for support, James raised his eyebrows at Remus. The other boy took no notice, however, too busy munching on a brownie like he’d never tasted chocolate before. So James was stuck with the awkwardness of the silent table once again.

He should probably just be grateful that the other girls hadn’t tried to banish him from the table or something equally dramatic.

“So DADA tomorrow? Things have been weird since last Monday, huh?” James tried.

With a deep sigh, Mary looked up from her plate. Apparently she’d decided that completely ignoring James wasn’t going to accomplish anything. “I’m considering dropping the class actually. Since she’s started, Ames has been invasive and frankly unprofessional. I talked to McGonagall about it and everything. While she obviously didn’t want me to drop the class, she did agree that I could study along with the course materials and then take the NEWT at the end of the year.”

“No way! Does Marlene know?” Peter asked eagerly.

“No, but I figured I wouldn’t tell anyone until I had made a decision. McGonagall said I need to meet with Ames at least once before dropping the class, give her a chance to convince me to stay. Our meeting’s tomorrow, so once that’s out of the way, I’ll tell everyone.”

“I think you’re making the right decision. School’s a waste of time, anyways,” Alice said, pumping her fist in the air.

“I don’t know if you can call Defense a waste with a war on,” Remus mumbled through a mouthful of crumbs.

“That’s why I’m not going to stop studying altogether,” Mary said shortly.

The conversation died out again while they all mulled over Mary’s choice. James figured he would react in a more extreme manner if a professor had interfered in his life to the same extent that Ames had in Mary’s. But DADA was such an essential course…

“So get up to anything fun today?” James asked Alice, looking to restart the conversation once more.

Alice raised her bushy eyebrows at him. “What are you trying to do, Potter?”

“Umm…talk to my friends,” James said uncertainly.

“Well, stop it. We’re all cross with you. Eat in ashamed silence like you should,” Alice ordered.

“Listen, I get it. Lily is your friend, and she’s hurting right now. I mean, she’s not here, so I can only assume she’s up in her room crying or something, and that must be pretty difficult –”

“Crying? Lily’s not crying!” Alice said fiercely. “In fact, she’s only not here because…because we forgot to tell her we were coming down for dinner. Mary, so forgetful, you were supposed to go get Lily.” Alice sent Mary a very pointed look, and Mary stood up to fetch Lily with a less than subtle roll of her eyes.

“Alice –” James tried again.

“She’s fine. We just forgot,” Alice insisted.

Peter grimaced at James. Maybe it made him an arrogant bastard, but James highly doubted they’d just forgotten to tell Lily about dinner. The girl still owned a watch. More likely, she was upstairs crying as James had said, and the girls didn’t want him to know about it. Pride was a funny thing like that. And James knew he wouldn’t want Lily to know if he’d cried, so it made sense that the girls would go to such lengths to cover it up.

“Alice, I’m not trying to be a jerk here,” James said.

“Then don’t,” Alice shot back fiercely, leaning across the table to glare at him.

 Censure coming from Alice hurt worse than coming from any of the other girls. Since they were young, Alice had always been his favorite of the Gryffindor girls in their year, excepting Lily of course. She was irreverent and funny and not afraid to get her hands dirty in the name of a good prank. They had a friendship separate from the group, which James couldn’t say really existed between him and Shelia, Mary, or Marlene.

“Come on, you think that all this teen dating stuff is stupid,” James said.

Alice gave him a very dirty look. “Yeah, I do. Want to know why? Because I was brutally taught that teenage boys are awful and mean and will discard you like a broken broomstick the second a new model comes along. Love is stupid because it’s not real. Doesn’t mean I wanted Lily to learn that.”

“Rory really fucked you up, didn’t he?” James asked, not unkindly.

“I’m not pretty or delicate or any of the other things boys want. Lily is though. I guess I just thought…” Alice swallowed and took a moment to decide on what to say next. “I thought if love was going to be real it would be the two of you. That you wouldn’t treat her the way other boys would. That you’re an actually good guy who’d respect her and meet her halfway.”

It was James’ turn to swallow heavily. “The problem was never respect. We weren’t like that, whatever you’re imagining.”

“Tough love time, Potter,” Alice said. “Did you or did you not beat on Nott, knowing it was exactly what she didn’t want you to do?”

At this point in the conversation, Peter leapt up from his seat beside James to move next to Remus. It put several seats between the two pairs and at least the illusion of privacy. From the way Peter was leaning slightly to the right, however, James had no doubt he was still listening with his undivided attention. James was too overwhelmed to feel bothered by the invasion.

“Come on. Don’t act like you’d act differently if you found out,” James protested.

“I’ve known since Thursday,” Alice countered triumphantly. “And I wanted to go kick Nott’s arse in as well, but I didn’t because Lily asked me not to, and I could tell it was important to her.”

“Okay, that’s it!” James threw his napkin down on the table in a dramatic gesture to indicate that the lay into James train was officially over. “Yes, I fucked up, and maybe I then overreacted, but Lily’s not blameless in this either. She’s refused to open up. Every time I take a step forward, she takes six back. We’d still be at the hand-holding phase if she had her way. Yes, I didn’t do what she wanted, but that’s because she’s so bloody closed off about everything. How am I supposed to know what she thinks or feels?”

His napkin had landed in the baked beans. Carefully, Alice extracted it and flung it back onto his plate. He looked down on his now tainted broccoli – tainted because the baked bean sauce was on it – and frowned. From years dining together, Alice knew perfectly well how much James liked to keep his foods separated, especially sauces. The joy came from mixing them together in the perfect proportions.

“James, I’ve been living with Lily for over six years. You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know, but that’s who Lily is, and you don’t get to be angry about it. She didn’t show up here at eleven with this huge mistrust of everyone’s motives. People let her down over and over again until she developed one. That’s how human beings work. There’s so much out there that we don’t understand, so our idea of what the world is and how it operates is based solely on our own experiences. For Lily, her experience is that someone can love you and still throw you away. And I think it’s perfectly shitty that you get to be just one more person in her life who proved her right,” Alice lectured.

“She can’t expect people to run a marathon just to get her to open up,” James argued. “All it does is make people resentful. I do understand that she has some issues from Snape and the sister, but it’s not fair to everyone else.”

Alice sighed. “No, it’s not. But it is what it is.”

He was talking himself in circles, but the foundation of their problems together weren’t going to change just through his rationalizations. Once James began to care about someone, he trusted them. End of story. He considered it a betrayal of the relationship to cast any aspersions on a friend’s intentions. Comparatively, Lily didn’t trust anyone completely. Not even her closest friends. They were fundamentally incompatible, and unless one of them was willing to compromise, they were never going to make it work.

“When’d you get all wise about this shite?” James asked. The bizarreness of hearing Alice dissect other people’s motives in such a reasonable fashion had just caught up to him.

“For my birthday this summer, Mary sent me all these books on muggle psychology. I think it was a less than subtle attempt to get me to psychoanalyze myself and stop being such a bitch just because Rory chucked me. Didn’t work until, well, I had a lot of free time open up this month with the girls not talking to me, and I stopped doing my homework, which meant I needed _something_ to fill my time,” Alice explained.

“So, what? You’re just brilliant and wise now?” James asked.

“Comparatively speaking,” Alice grinned. James chucked her under the chin.

Like he’d cast a tracker spell on her, James felt suddenly compelled to look up towards the double doors. Sure enough, there was Lily. She looked to be trying to battle her way out of the Great Hall, while an incorrigible Mary dragged her forward by the arm. Few people could pick a battle with MacDonald and win, so it wasn’t much of a surprise when Mary managed to overpower her and pull her slack body towards the table.

“Slide down to sit with your friends,” Alice ordered once she caught sight of the approaching girls.

Breathing a sigh of relief, James did as he was told. He hadn’t been sure whether or not Alice intended for him to sit through a dinner with Lily by his side. That would have been a recipe for misery. Not that a few meters between them was going to make too much of a difference, but he’d cling to that buffer zone for as long as he could.

He was hyper-aware as Lily took her seat – far enough down the table that six people could squeeze between them, on the same side of the table with him, and Alice’s body in the middle as a buffer. Keeping his eyes on Peter directly across from him, James couldn’t so much as make out the outline of Lily in his peripheral vision. Which…if he was being perfectly honest, wasn’t ideal for him either. The possibilities were almost as painful as the knowing. Could he crane his head around Alice to take a look without it being too obvious?

Attempt one did not go so well. He slowly inched closer to the table until his chest was resting almost halfway across the table. Peter’s breath blew hot across the crown of his head because he’d inched so far into Peter’s space. In this position, James was able to catch a quick glimpse of Lily, looking down at her plate so that he couldn’t make out much about her face – Was she sulking? Any evidence of tears? Had her friends succeeded in keeping her distracted? This glimpse lasted less than a second before Alice had pushed her body forward in a similar fashion so that Lily was completely blocked off from view. She turned and scowled at him, until James reluctantly returned to his former position.

For attempt two, James decided that he was just approaching the issue from the wrong angle. He needed to view this like he would a prank. The goal: get a look at Lily. The obstacles: Alice and his own pride in not wanting to be caught out by Lily. All he needed to do was come up with an effective bit of subterfuge to account for the situation.

With a less than subtle flick of his wrist, James succeeded in flinging his fork backwards behind him. Alice looked up at the clatter, but James looked around him as if he was genuinely confused where his fork could have fallen until she returned to her food. Then, he dove to the floor to continue his search. It took very little effort to find the fallen fork as it was laying in the middle of the floor with nothing to cover it. He took his time picking it up so that he could take a look at Lily from his now unblocked view.

Well, his view to Lily was unblocked. Unfortunately, she was facing forward, so that meant what he could see was still somewhat limited. Her hair was down, unstyled. In fact, it looked like the tips were still wet from a shower. That was telling. Lily didn’t like to go out unless she was perfectly made up, so either she was too depressed to care, or Mary had caught her out of the shower and forced her to come down before she was ready. There were too many possibilities between those two scenarios. It didn’t do much to answer his pressing question: how was Lily holding up?

Unthinkingly, James squeezed down around the fork, which was an unfortunate mistake as he was currently holding it by the prongs. He gave a startled yelp that had just about every head turning in his direction. Including Lily.

He wasn’t able to piece together much from her appearance. She looked like Lily. Not being an expert in these things, James wasn’t sure, but he thought she was wearing at least a little bit of makeup, so he couldn’t hypothesize that she was so overcome with misery that she couldn’t manage simple tasks.

Her expression told a bit more of a story. She was looking at him with an expression that was oddly blank. There was the expected inquisitiveness there, the question of just what he was doing yowling on the floor, but beyond that, there wasn’t anything to glean from her. Lily and her feelings were carefully hidden away where he couldn’t hope to access them. Throughout the entirety of their explosive acquaintance, James had never had to guess what Lily was thinking about when it came to simple moments like these. It startled him.

“Um, I stabbed myself,” James said, holding up the fork so that everyone could see. He spoke directly to Lily though.

Her eyes darted to the side to Alice for a moment before returning to him. Rather pointedly she appeared to avoid meeting his gaze, instead looking at his chin. Her only response to his explanation was to nod. Then, she turned back around in her seat to her food.

James was left on the floor, staring at the back of her head like an idiot. He didn’t know whether calling things off with Lily was the right or wrong decision. There were too many factors in play for the answer to be obvious. What he did know, however, was that this – the lack of understanding, the wanting not at all dimmed – couldn’t be where they ended things.


	51. Oct 30: Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so a bit of a lengthy A/N here about a couple of things.
> 
> First, the story’s really winding down now. I’ve written 55 chapters and an Epilogue and then that’s the end. I’ll talk more about future projects and my gratitude and all that jazz in the final chapter, but I didn’t want the end to come as a surprise to anyone either.
> 
> Second, since I just finished (which is kind of unbelievable), I’m going back and editing. Mostly for typos, but I’ll also be consolidating the chapters so that that each day of the month is one chapter instead of 2 or 3. So don’t freak out if you come back and see this story is suddenly much shorter. I’m just making everything prettier! (Also why did anyone continue reading this after the first two terrible chapters OMG! They’re so bad. And I’d argue it takes a loooong time before the story really develops its identity and style. You’re all rockstars.)
> 
> Third, and this may seem silly to bring up so late in the game, but I’d like to ask that some of you change the way you review. I think it’s great that people have varying opinions on the character & story (and I purposefully wrote some of the characters to be frustrating because I believe in conflict & character growth), but if all you ever have to say is what you DON’T like about the story…I would kind of prefer you don’t tell me. So if you’re someone who reviews occasionally, pointing out what you like & don’t like, this isn’t addressing you. You’re great. But for the couple of people who only ever leave me a review to tell me how much they hate certain characters/ the way I’m writing the story, I’d appreciate if you just didn’t tell me at all. Or at the very least, login so that we can have a conversation about it, as it’s considerably less frustrating when it’s an open-dialogue (I promise I’ll answer nicely) than when I just have to stew on the review as it was sent anonymously.
> 
> I don’t have it nearly as bad as other authors, and I don’t think any of you are trying to be rude, so don’t take this as accusatory. I just work 50+ hour weeks and still find time to write/publish this story for you guys. When I get a notification on a break from work, I used to get really excited to see what was said, and lately I’ve started feeling anxious instead, wondering whether this review is going to be positive or another person tearing apart something I’ve worked really hard on. Again, I don’t think that’s the intention of any of you, and I do value that you’ve stuck around for this ridiculously long story, but it’s kind of an unpleasant experience to check my phone and get an update on everything I do wrong :(
> 
> Sorry, but I’m a baby lol. Anyway, on with the show!

Tap. Tap. Tap-tap-tap. Tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap.

The end of Lily’s quill collided with the desk, the length between collisions slowly declining as her pace accelerated. Anything was preferable to focusing on her situation. DADA was a rubbish class anyway. Why she’d decided it was too indispensable to skip she could hardly fathom.

Since her falling out with Shelia, the girls had rearranged their seating. Now Lily sat beside Alice, who wasn’t even pretending to pay attention, eyes closed and mouth opened. Sitting beside Alice meant that she now sat two rows directly in front of the Marauders. Only two rows. Like something out of one of those Superman comics, Lily could feel James’ stare boring into her neck as if his eyes were emitting heat. Or at least, that was what she imagined. For all she knew, James was politely listening to Ames’ lecture on how to detect menacing spells, and not, in fact, paying Lily any mind.

She couldn’t bear to turn and look. Hence the tapping.

_Is Ames always this dull?_

Lily wrote the note and shoved it in front of Alice, who slit one eye to read it, nodded, and then resumed her napping. No help was to be found there. Lily wanted to remind Alice that if her goal was to become an auror, she wasn’t making a good start of it. Even Lily recognized that Ames’ blather was a little less than edifying, however, so she decided to keep her advice to herself.

Lily wasn’t the only person to switch seats that morning. Sirius had moved to sit with Marlene, which pushed Remus to James and Mary to Peter. Shelia sat in the very back of the class with Florence Avery. Like they had for over a week now, the two former friends pointedly ignored any kind of contact. Lily had become so skilled at avoiding Shelia that she frequently went as long as three-quarters of an hour while forgetting that they were in the same room. Now all she needed was to accomplish the same with James. Her record was four minutes.

She couldn’t stop dwelling on everything he had said yesterday. Her dreams had been wretched, accusatory things. In them, James would try to do something sweet for her, like kiss her hand or bathe her feet in cherries (they were dreams after all), and she would retaliate by zapping him with a stinging hex. As he twitched around on the floor, he’d try to tell her that he loved her, and she’d ignore him the entire time in favor of playing bingo with Petunia. Lily hardly needed to study up on her Freud and the psychology of dreams to interpret that. No, she could recognize clearly enough what her subconscious had been trying to warn her of for weeks: James was good, and she was going to chase him away.

If she thought too long about it, she was sure to start crying. Again. So she hastily tried to distract herself with a replay of every ugly word that had been exchanged between them. The only solace she’d been able to find for the last twenty-four hours was in remembering that her initial anger had been justified. Tomorrow she’d have to face Nott for the first time since he’d sliced her hand on Tuesday. On top of dealing with Sev’s “help” in deciding whether to sacrifice Susan Kerns as had been arranged between the two Slytherins, Lily also had to face the consequences of James’ interference. Nott could hurt Susan to punish Lily. He could try to corner her after class had ended. Her imagination into the sadistic was limited, but surely there were any other number of scenarios Nott could concoct to torture her. The anticipation made her queasy.

Not queasy enough that thinking about James became preferable.

God, she had cried yesterday. First, in James’ room. She’d been too shocked to clear out of there after he walked out. When the shock had faded, the tears had come, and she’d sat on his bed – a terrible idea as the good memories of their time spent there only exacerbated her pain – and sobbed freely, not hidden at all so that if he returned he would have found her there, looking like a mess. Perhaps she’d secretly wanted him to find her there. At the sight of her agony, he might have changed his mind. Had he returned and taken her into his arms, she would have forgiven him without a second thought.

He hadn’t returned. After nearly an hour, her pride had finally made an appearance, and she’d made a mad dash from the boys’ dormitory to the loo in the girls. Another hour had been spent there before she’d finally been ready to tell her friends, starting her on another round of indecipherable sobbing.

The whole day hadn’t been spent in tears. There had been plenty of dry-eyed sulking as well. Some homework had been completed, though Lily had been so distracted throughout that she was bound to earn a ‘T’ for any of those assignments she dared to turn in. While Lily sat feeling like the hydrogen bomb had detonated over her life, the world had inconsiderately kept turning. Supportive as they were, even the girls had encouraged her to focus on something else and not just dwell on the fixed.

Dinner had been the worst. Lily reckoned she wouldn’t be ready to see James for another, oh say, century, but Mary had insisted, forcing Lily out of the shower and into some clothes. Even applying some makeup so that her crying would be less obvious. Lily had done everything in her power to avoid looking at him once she got there, and when she’d inevitably been forced to look, he’d been fine. Fine! He might as well have spat in her eye. Because the last insult she could stand was seeing him unaffected, making jokes about stabbing himself with a fork, and sitting with his friends like nothing had changed. Any decent person wouldn’t have come to dinner at all. They would have stayed politely in their room like Lily had attempted before Mary accosted her.

It had been the memory of that humiliation, which had encouraged her to put extra effort into her appearance that morning. Every carefully drawn line and blended color was designed to conceal more than just the blemishes on her face. They also hid the turmoil in her heart. No one who saw her today – hair in tight curls, lips pale pink and shining, eyes free from circles and contrasting brilliantly with her eyeshadow – could possibly guess that she was anything but happy. S0 long as she could avoid bursting into tears, no one would know.

“Miss Evans!” Professor Ames’ sharp call of her name brought Lily out of her stupor. She jolted, and Ames did much the same. Ames looked startled by how harshly she’d spoken. “I’m – I’m sorry, but please cease with the tapping.”

Abashed, Lily pushed her quill across the desk and out of reach. Everyone was looking at her, which meant James must have been as well.

“Alright then, I want you all to split into groups. I’m thinking four: front-right, front-left, and so on. Take turns casting nonverbal spells, and your group will try to guess the nature of the spell based on your wand movement,” Ames ordered.

Lily’s hopes of avoiding crying or humiliation disappeared in front of her. Her new seat beside Alice put her in the back-left. Along with James. If she wasn’t such a coward, perhaps she would have refused, run off in the other direction or left class entirely, but the idea of disrupting the norm to such a degree never even entered her mind.

The assigned group all moved their chairs to surround the center desk. She didn’t think it was her imagination that everyone was moving with an odd sluggishness. None of their group – Mary, Peter, James, Remus, Alice, and Lily herself – were particularly eager to take part in this exercise. There was nowhere to hide in the loose circle of chairs, and Lily couldn’t help but peek at James sitting diagonally across from her. Despite all she’d imagined, he wasn’t looking at her.

Covertly beneath the table, Alice reached out and squeezed her hand. At the sign of compassion, a flood of tears filled her eyes. Lily looked up at the ceiling and blinked rapidly to ward them off. When she was confident the worst of it had passed, she looked back at the group. She caught sight of James turning his head like he may have been looking at her. Of course he’d look at her in the moment she was at her weakest.

Everyone was conscious of the awkwardness of the situation, so Remus rushed to make the first move. He would cast a spell, and they would take turns guessing. The minutes passed without any dramatic displays, and Lily began to relax. She could do this, could manage to function normally despite the fact that every time she looked at James she was hit with all the same sensations of shame, betrayal, and disappointment from yesterday. It was just a normal classroom experience, educational only.

“That last one was a freezing charm,” Lily said quietly.

“Actually, it was a spell to transform an object into an animal,” James said. They were the first words he’d spoken in her hearing since the start of class.

“No, it was a freezing charm. Probably an ‘immobulus,’” Lily countered. She was surprised by the strength of her resistance.

James raised his eyebrows challengingly. “I think I can recognize an animal transfiguration. I’m kind of an expert.”

“Since when?” Lily scoffed.

James made his own matching noise of disbelief. “Trust me. It’s an animal transfiguration.”

“Trust you?”

Rearing back like he’d been shocked, James’ compressed his mouth into a tight line and regarded her. Pure instinct had driven the nasty words out, but she couldn’t make herself completely regret them. She’d been so focused on her heartbreak –because that was what it was even if she tried to downplay it – that the natural anger she also felt had taken a backseat. That the first conversation they’d had consisted of him contradicting her, another argument, it burned, and she was thankful for it. The flame felt better than the spiraling hole of emptiness and despair that had been tormenting her.

“Maybe you should learn to adjust the things you think you know when you receive new information. Like that downward jab is clearly part of a vermin transfiguration. A little less suspicion would do you some good,” James said, words equally as targeted.

“It was more of a flick than a jab,” Lily hissed.

“Please, it was a jab.”

“Flick!”

“Jab!”

“Flick!”

“Jab!”

Right before they descended into complete childishness, Remus stepped in. “Guys! Guys! It was, um, actually it was an enlarging spell.”

Embarrassed, Lily glanced up at James from beneath her lashes. She supposed that she owed James an apology. One more to add to the mountain that she’d built over time. Any chance of Lily giving it to him just then was ruined a second later when James opened his big, fat, arrogant mouth.

“So my guess was closer,” James said snidely.

“How?” Lily demanded.

“Enlarging spells change the physical nature of an object just like an animal transfiguration,” James said.

“It’s a charm, like a freezing charm. Same school of magic,” Lily said. “And if you’ve ever read a Physics book alongside that Chemistry text, you’d know that a freezing charm slows the vibration of the atoms in an object and thus changes the physical nature of an object every bit as much as a transfiguration.”

“Bit of a reach,” James snapped.

Lily threw her hand down on the desk and crossed her legs. She was aware that their behavior was making everyone uncomfortable, but she couldn’t stop herself. Judging by the way James was staring her down from across the table, he was feeling the same way.

Ames momentarily saved them from their bickering – momentarily being the keyword there – by announcing that their groups should further split into pairs to continue the exercise. Because Ames delighted in a little classroom drama, she assigned the partners and her every grouping seemed designed to cause some degree of conflict. Alice was grouped with Shelia, Mary with Sirius. It went without saying that Ames would sense the discord between Lily and James and decide they ought to be partnered as well. In the subsequent shuffle, Lily’s urge to argue James down disappeared altogether. In its place was a looming sense of dread. For the next fifteen minutes she’d need to speak to James and James alone. No buffer.

The two of them sat side by side so that the need to look at each other was minimized. Amongst the many adjectives Lily could use to describe their situation, strange was at the top of the list. The permission was gone. Before, Lily wouldn’t have thought about whether it was permissible to brush the lock of hair off his forehead. She would have spared no consideration as to whether the distance between their bodies was appropriate. Now, she was hyper-conscious of those little dilemmas.

“…I guess I could see why you thought it was a flick,” Lily said lowly. It was a reluctant attempt at reconciliation, and nowhere near enough to solve their problems, but it was all she could manage at the moment.

“And I suppose mistaking it for a jab isn’t that unbelievable,” James grunted in return.

Lily didn’t miss the way James’ admission still posited that he was right. She took a deep breath to calm herself. No matter what, she was not going to rise to his bait again. Yes, there was a comfort in arguing with James. Arguing was as least something, a form of passion that could allow her to cling to their ruined relationship for a bit longer. Like he’d said to her yesterday though, she was just deluding herself. Better to accept that their relationship was over than to fake it until the truth caught up with her. The reality of Lily and James was now awkward silences and unspoken words. That was it.

Wordlessly, Lily went through the motions of a color-changing charm. James accurately guessed, and they continued on in the same manner for a few minutes. That she didn’t cry was a miracle.

“You make it too easy,” James said abruptly.

Lily was shocked into looking at him directly, round-eyed and confused. “Excuse me?”

“I-I meant the charms. You always pick charms so there’s not as much guesswork. You should switch it up more,” James said.

“Sorry for not challenging you enough,” Lily said, somewhere on the line between a genuine apology and passive-aggression. When she cast another charm for her next spell, it was out of pure spite.

“So…that Transfiguration essay’s a bit of a beast, huh?” James said casually. “I bet you’re already finished, but it was killing me yester – I mean, I haven’t finished it yet.”

“Very hard,” Lily murmured noncommittally.

“Makes you appreciate Ames’ no-homework policy. I mean, say what you will about her teaching methods, but I’ve definitely benefited from that this month,” James soldiered on like Lily wasn’t doing an impressive imitation of a still life painting.

“Hmm.”

“I’m going to try to convince McGonagall to ease back on the homework. We’ve got our first house match coming up, and I think I can convince her if I position it as a case of Gryffindor spirit. I mean, even Flitwick sometimes lays off when Ravenclaw has an important match, and McGonagall’s way battier for Quidditch. Right?” James said.

Lily didn’t think James had a chance in hell of convincing McGonagall to alter her teaching methods for so much as a day, but all she did was nod. Let him figure that out on his own.

“Hey, remember that letter we got in the drop box asking that we convince McGonagall to call off the homework? That was a riot, wasn’t it? Maybe I can position it as something to do with my Head duties as well. Then, she’ll have to agree,” James said. A beat passed before James added, “Lily?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re not going to…I’m trying here, okay. Could you try a little bit too?” James asked wearily.

A tapping noise caught her attention, and Lily realized that she’d begun anxiously playing with her pen again. Could she try? It was a hideous question. Try here meant making meaningless small talk about classwork because there was nothing left to say between them. How could she possibly return to that with him when she knew so many details about his life? She knew about some of his deepest burdens: his parents’ toxic interference, his anxieties over his parents’ eminent deaths, the guilt that he carried for some of his past behavior. Yes, she had been happy to talk about the minutiae of his life with him when they were dating. Then, it had been a sign of their closeness. Now, it was a sign of their separation, and she despised every second of it.

Awful as it felt, James was right though. He was willing to try, and she wasn’t. He was the brave one, no longer clinging to the past but forging ahead as any true Gryffindor would. It would be a matter of time before he grew annoyed with her weakness, her inability to let go as all it did was create an awkward tension that he had to weed through. It wasn’t fair to him, and she recognized it.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, and if her eyes flooded with tears again then he could pretend not to see them. “I just can’t. Not yet.”

She sat perfectly still, with her hands folded neatly in her lap. Still and perfect, that’s what she needed to be to survive this. In her peripheral vision, Lily could see James lift his hand off the desk; it hovered in the air near her shoulder like he was considering caressing her. Whether that would help or make everything worse was a mystery to her.

After a minute, James sighed. “Okay. Then why don’t you just cast.”

That she could do, and she spent the rest of the class with her mouth firmly shut.

At the very end of class, Ames asked them all to stay an extra minute so that she could make an announcement. “Everyone, now Professor Humphries asked that all the professors inform their classes that the phoenix bushes are set to bloom this afternoon. She would like all of her OWL and up students to attend the blooming around one o’clock, and anyone else who is interested can also consider themselves welcomed. The phoenix bush only blooms once every dozen years, so you can all consider yourselves extremely privileged. That is all.”

As the rest of the class nodded and accepted this information as a matter of course, Lily wanted to scream. It was a Monday! She wasn’t supposed to have to deal with Nott for another day. How dare a once in twelve year anomaly cost her the reprieve she valued so dearly! Her horror was probably plain on her face, but the way she burst to her feet was a tad more noticeable.

“Miss Evans?” Ames asked, confused.

“But what if we have other classes?” Lily said.

“I’m sure all of your professors will understand. As I said, this is a very rare event, and no one would want you to miss it,” Ames assured her.

“But…” Lily couldn’t think of any other excuse. She didn’t even have any classes after lunch on Mondays that would conflict with the last-minute classwork.

Everyone gathered their books up around her, and Lily was left entirely alone on her island of fear. Well, not entirely alone. James grabbed her hand as she started to walk towards the exit. Lily stared down at the place where he touched her with a mixture of horror and longing, the kind of combination that would make the boldest of hearts feel faint.

“Are you going to be okay?” James asked, and she hated him for his sincerity. If only he’d sounded less genuine, she could have pretended that his concern was just a maneuver in their greater argument, a way to draw her attention to the loathsomeness of Nott and vindicate his own actions. That she could have handled just as she’d managed every time Sev had politicized his feelings to gain an advantage over her. The fact that James still cared – to whatever limited degree –choked her. She hadn’t hated him like this in years.

“No,” Lily answered because if he was going to be honest, she was going to be just as brutally truthful.

James winced and then offered, “I can come if you’d like. If you think that would help.”

Speaking the truth just then, under the circumstances, was impossible because Lily didn’t have even a remote idea as to what could pull her out of the pit of problems she’d dug for herself. If she knew what could help her, she’d be pursuing it. (Or perhaps not. Sometimes people were funny in the way they ran away from what was best for them.)

Still, she didn’t so much as hesitate before answering, “The best way to help me would be to stay far away.”

And curse him, that’s exactly what he did.

 

Despite her friends’ best efforts, Lily refused to join them for lunch. She went to her Divination class as scheduled – a lovely, underappreciated subject where she never ran the risk of running into unwelcome boys – and then went scouting for the perfect spot where she could hide from her problems in peace. Seeing as it was on the brisk side, she thought few people would dare the grounds. Lily almost changed her mind as she was leaving the castle because she could have sworn she saw Marlene walking alongside James to lunch, which couldn’t bode well, but she couldn’t stomach an investigation just then.

Almost the second she went outdoors, Lily regretted it. From inside the castle, the day looked sunny and healthy. Outside, the wind beat unforgivingly against her cloaked body, chapping her skin, and the sun disappeared behind a haze of clouds. The grounds just looked grey, the color of mold and decay. If she wanted vibrant greens, she’d have to close her eyes and dream of them.

Figuring that the scenery was already too bleak to be ruined, Lily set up camp on the very edge of the Forbidden Forest. Just sitting at the outskirts sent tingles of adrenaline through her body as if she was toying with danger. Peering through the mess of snarled branches and overgrown underbrush, Lily didn’t find the view particularly imposing. There was a charm to the darkness that lay within. Once inside the forest’s depths, Lily imagined a person would experience a sensation of being surrounded on all sides, the darkness acting almost as a blanket. Lily closed her eyes and mulled over the comforting scenario for several minutes.

She was at great risk of deciding the forest would make a lovely home and just rolling into its depths, when she happened to crack open an eye and spot a familiar figure sitting down atop the hill overlooking the lake directly in front of her. Considering the cold, Lily figured only someone truly miserable or truly barmy would spend the day outside. Lily thought Sirius might have been a bit of both.

Leaping to her feet, Lily trotted up the hill to join him, and gave a quick shout to alert him of her presence. “Oi, Black!” She managed to startle him, judging by the way his hand flew to his heart like an old maid. Lily cackled internally at her success in shaking the normally impregnable Sirius Black.

“What are you doing?” Sirius asked as Lily settled down beside him.

“Misery loves company,” Lily answered sagely.

“Fair enough,” Sirius conceded.

What neither of them acknowledged was that they’d both come outside to be alone, to escape the comradery of their friends. This was different though. Perhaps the adage should have been amended to “misery loves company of an equally miserable sort.” Everyone inside with their nice lives that hadn’t imploded over the weekend would try to cheer them up, try to create some sort of plan to move them forward. What Lily and Sirius both wanted was to revel in their pain and neither of them would begrudge the other a moment of that.

“So, why do you look like you want to drown yourself in the lake?” Lily asked, nosy and not at all ashamed.

“He didn’t tell you? Reckon I had a row with James right before yours.”

Lily wondered whether she ought to interpret any of James’ actions from yesterday differently in light of this new knowledge. After a moment’s thought, she decided against it. James’ thoughts and feelings were still his own. Rather than elaborate further, Sirius tossed a stray pebble into the lake. Lily counted the rings – six – before the disturbance faded and the lake returned to its typical placidity. She could see herself coming to admire the lake, the way it remained still and unaffected, swallowing up every disturbance in a matter of seconds; the way it existed to be appreciated from afar, emotionlessly never returning the favor.

“Why’s your mate such an arse?” Lily asked, surprising herself with the question more than she surprised Sirius who had probably expected just such a line of questioning from the moment she sat down.

“Generally speaking, he’s spoiled rotten. More specifically to your situation, I think you made him feel impotent,” Sirius said.

“How do you mean?” Lily asked.

Sirius ignored the question and shrugged a pack of cigarettes out from his robes. It was the same brand with the blinking owl that James smoked. He held his hand up to ward off the wind and lit it quickly. He looked like every parents’ worst nightmare, the guy that sent all the “smoking doesn’t look cool” propaganda right out the window.

“Want one?” Sirius offered.

“I don’t smoke.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Well of course not, but you’ve just been _dumped_ , Evans. Surely now’s the time to rebel, to stick it to the man.”

“How would me smoking one of those death sticks prove anything to anyone?” Lily asked.

“Dunno,” Sirius shrugged. “Maybe you smoke it as a middle finger to your mum for not raising you to know how to keep a man.”

“Fuck you.” Lily was halfway to her feet before she’d gotten the words out.

“Now that’s the spirit. Come one, love, I was kidding. Sit back down and have a smoke with me. Say you’re sticking it to James because you’re so devastated by his being a prat that you’ve decided you’ll burn out your lungs. That’ll show him,” Sirius suggested jovially.

Against her better judgment, Lily sat back down and accepted the cig. Without having to be asked, Sirius lit it for her and everything. He didn’t offer any words of advice, not that she’d expected him to, so she took her first puff – self-conscious and more than a little wary that she might die on the spot – alone. Her world didn’t end. She did, however, cough like she had pneumonia, so hard that tears dripped from her eyes.

Only then did Sirius offer her some guidance. “Next time don’t inhale. It’s not like breathing in oxygen. Draw it into your mouth, not your lungs.”

On her next, very reluctant try, she succeeded in only coughing once.

“There’s a girl,” Sirius applauded her.

Lily wasn’t sure she felt any better for having smoked her first cigarette. It didn’t come along with any worthwhile feelings of excitement or maturity. As far as rebellion went, it was actually pretty mundane. The only satisfaction she took out of it was the excuse to do something with her hands. That and she supposed sharing the moment with Sirius was kind of nice.

Suspiciously nice.

“Why are you being so nice to me? Is it because you’re angry with James?” Lily asked.

Sirius sent her a sideways look of bewilderment. “Okay, Prongs may have had a point about you being too suspicious of people’s motives. You’re bloody paranoid.”

With good reason in Lily’s opinion, but instead of pointing that out, she simply asked, “How do you know what our fight was about if your argument came before? Has he talked to you about this?”

“Nope, Remus just filled me in last night,” Sirius said before taking a drag that was so drawn out she could only assume it was for show. “And I’m not being nice for any special reason. I’m frequently nice to people I like.”

Lily gaped. “You? Like me? Since when?”

“Now you sound like Prongs,” Sirius chuckled. “I don’t like when you harp on my relationship, but I like you all the same. You can trust me when I say that if I _didn’t_ like you, you’d know.”

Lily shuddered to think what that might entail because despite his assurances, she’d felt fairly certain that she knew already. Technically speaking, they’d shared a few laughs, a few nice memories, but he was always lashing out with those cutting remarks. People just didn’t talk that way to the people they liked…except she’d seen him speak to Marlene in just the same way and oh my God! Sirius Black actually liked her! She didn’t know whether she ought to celebrate or reevaluate her life to find what she was doing wrong.

Not quite sure what to say, Lily took her own half-hearted puff on the cig. (Useful that.) Once she’d organized her thoughts a bit, she said, “I can’t say, um, well that I’ve particularly liked you, but I think I could learn to.”

Sirius’s answering bark of laughter was so loud that it scared a thrush out of a nearby tree. “Gee, thanks, Evans.”

“I just, I mean it’s all this stuff with Marlene. I’m protective. Surely you can understand that with the way you’re always looking out for James with me,” Lily explained hurriedly.

“Oh, I was never really worried about you hurting him. I was just being a bitch because I had my own issues. Not that what I said was untrue mind, but as I said, I was never worried about you hurting him just like you shouldn’t worry about me hurting Marlene,” Sirius said.

“I don’t follow.”

“On the surface, it looked like you had all the power to hurt James and yet look at how this played out. You’re freezing your pretty arse off, dumped and miserable, while James is going about his business as usual,” Sirius said.

Lily shredded a blade of grass with the hand not accompanied by her cig. She wondered whether Sirius knew just how much his assessment hurt.

“See, Marlene and I aren’t that different,” Sirius continued. “While it looks like I’m the one who’ll hurt her, it’s the other way around. I’m never going to break her heart because she’ll never fall in love with me. Whether that’s my fault for keeping her at arm’s length is debatable. Still, when all is said and done, she’ll be fine. Me on the other hand, I’ll be wrecked.”

“Marlene cares about you,” Lily said awkwardly.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “I’m not looking for comfort.”

“Could have fooled me,” Lily said, aware that her sympathy would be unwanted even as it emanated off of her in waves.

“Touché,” Sirius said with a smirk. “Seriously though, Marlene likes me well enough, but she mostly just likes how she thinks I belong because my family’s so entrenched in the wizarding world. That and I’m the first person to ever tell her how beautiful she is.”

“Not the first,” Lily said quietly. Her mind went straight to Mary.

Sirius’s might have as well because his eyes were knowing. “Exactly. Right now what I give her seems like a lot because she doesn’t have much to compare it to. Eventually, she’ll want more. She’ll want more, and I doubt she’ll have to look far to find it.”

“You could try talking to her,” Lily suggested.

“Is it nobler to die on the battlefield or to surrender and face no casualties?” Sirius asked grandly.

“I’ll let you know,” Lily said.

They shared a smile that was one part humor and two parts heartbreak. Regardless, it was intimate and real. After a moment like that, Lily could safely say that her preconceived notions about Sirius would be abandoned forever.

In total, Lily took all of four puffs of her cigarette before it dwindled down to a stub. The majority of it went wasted, smoke floating away on the wind. She dropped the nub by her feet and ground it into the dirt. Sirius did the same with his before casting a spell that caused the remaining bits to disintegrate into the earth.

“Compost spell,” Sirius supplied. “You have to treat the earth with respect.”

“Why did you say you were fighting with James again?” Lily asked.

Sirius snorted. “I didn’t say.”

“That’s my way of asking again, Sirius,” Lily said sweetly, nudging him with her shoulder.

“Wow. I tell you that I like you, and now you expect insight into all of my relationships. Bit invasive, Evans. Let me tell you,” Sirius mocked.

“I can live with the shame of being invasive. My curiosity, on the other hand…” Lily raised both her hands in question like she couldn’t begin to predict what mad behavior her curiosity might drive her towards.

Sirius rolled his eyes again, and Lily considered telling him that the gesture became less impressive each time he did it.

“If you asked James, I suppose he’d say we’re fighting over you,” Sirius said. Lily felt the panic rise instantly and opened her mouth to protest, but Sirius waved her silent and kept talking. “Relax. It’s not about you. James just thinks that because he’s myopic and can’t see the bigger picture. I’d say that we’re rowing over _his_ failures of late while he’s been distracted by, amongst other things, you.”

“I could make an effort to be less distracting,” Lily said earnestly.

“Oh, if only you could. Alas, where Prongs is concerned, I fear that will never be possible,” Sirius said.

He said it with such certainty, yet Lily didn’t feel anything approaching his confidence. Yes, Sirius knew James better than anyone, but in this one area he may have misjudged. Because if James was as devoted as Sirius claimed, he never would have thrown everything they had away. Not unless something was seriously wrong with him.

Which, actually, couldn’t be ruled out.

“What’s wrong with your bloody mate anyway?” Lily demanded.

Sirius laughed. “Nothing. James is perfect.”

“You agreed that he was an arse before,” Lily reminded him.

“Sure and perfectly so.”

“It’s possible that I don’t understand you very much,” Lily admitted.

“Wow, now there’s an unprecedented thought. I never would have considered it,” Sirius said drolly.

They shared another one of those meaningful moments, all smiles and comfortable silences. Looking out over the grounds, Lily wondered how she’s thought everything looked gray and depressing before. All of the leaves had turned a burnt orange with the changing season, and the winds rattled these brilliant bursts of color to and fro. The whole world seemed to hang on a precipice. Any gust of wind could prove strong enough to send a torrent of leaves to the ground. And there were more than just the oranges; all of the autumnal colors were represented as well: the warm browns of the bark, the muted yellows, and reds that put the color of her hair to shame. The day was beautiful. Her inner struggles didn’t diminish that.

Even with her newfound appreciation of the world, Lily couldn’t resist asking, “So I make James feel impotent?”

“He likes you so bloody much that he spends half the time worrying he’s going to lose you and the other half worrying about how to keep you safe and happy. Asking him to sit on his hands when someone was hurting you was never going to work. He’s a man of action, and it’s not because you’re a girl that he thinks you need protecting either. He’d have ignored me and Remus in the same situation,” Sirius said.

“I guess we’re just incompatible then,” Lily said sadly, wondering if words could have a taste and why these ones tasted like milk gone bad.

“No,” Sirius said firmly. “I never said that. The way I see it, you two approach this thing like a zero-sum game. One of you gets everything and the other nothing, but you two could make the decision to compromise. You could say, ‘Alright, James my dearest boyfriend, you have my permission to protect me from all evildoers,’ and James can say, ‘Lils, my sexy, sexy girlfriend, I will run all my plans to harm said evildoers by you first and together we’ll agree on a solution.’ Bam! Cue the snogging!”

“I don’t think I’d want to snog James if he called me his ‘sexy, sexy girlfriend.’ The silliness would rather put me off,” Lily said.

“Don’t judge the particulars. I go through all the trouble of concocting this brilliant example for you, and you just can’t wait to pick it apart,” Sirius whined.

“Please, you did it for James not me,” Lily said knowingly. “I appreciate it though.”

“Good.”

Compromise, Lily mused. It sounded like the most obvious answer in the world, so obvious in fact that she felt like she was missing some terrible catch. Maybe it was just that compromise had always sounded like a complicated way to say ‘tie.’ Hyper-competitive, Lily had never liked to accept anything short of a win.

“I guess I’ve always been a bit of an all-or-nothing kind of girl,” Lily said.

“And has that made you happy so far?” Sirius asked.

When he phrased it like that, it was clearly the only question that mattered.

 

Lily was strongly weighing the value of hexing herself into the Hospital Wing when the time to head to the Greenhouses arrived. She was fairly certain that she could cast an engorgement charm on her head that would be nasty enough to warrant Pomfrey’s attention, but she wasn’t sure how she would explain how the accident occurred. Besides, Pomfrey would have her fixed up in the blink of an eye, and Lily would just be back in the same position Tuesday, trying to duck out of one of her core classes because the prospect of interacting with Nott was so heinous.

On her own, Lily probably would have made the right decision anyways, but she received a little boost when Peter came strolling towards her. Sirius had disappeared off to his own class nearly fifteen minutes before, and she’d remained atop the hill, staring out at the lake and trying to capture the beauty of the scene for all eternity so that no matter how miserable she became, she could always return to that image and find some sense of relief. Seeing her sitting by herself, Peter had come over to ask that she walk with him to class. It was his first Herbology class back, so Lily figured he was a little bit nervous about all the lessons he had missed.

“It’s ruddy freezing,” Peter complained amiably, the kind of complaint that was meant to build comradery rather than indicative of any real unhappiness.

“Sure is,” Lily agreed. “Hey Peter, sorry if this puts you in a weird position, but um…did I see Marlene talking to James earlier?”

“Oh, yeah. I mean, yes to the seeing Marlene with James. You’re not putting me in a weird position at all,” Peter reassured her.

“Oh good. Just I was a little worried because Marlene’s you know, a bit…high-spirited at times, and I was worried what they might be talking about,” Lily said.

Considering how well her conversation with Sirius had gone, Lily didn’t regret choosing to leave Marlene to her own devices, but the wariness had stuck with her. Marlene could be just as protective when provoked and she was fanciful to top it all off. Lily wouldn’t put it past her to challenge James to a duel or something equally overzealous if she was upset on Lily’s behalf.

Peter scratched the back of his head. “Actually, she did say something. She told James that he should get his act together soon because she was going to give you a week before she told you to Annette Kingsolver his arse.”

In addition to Korean, Marlene apparently also spoke Mermish. Lily didn’t have the slightest idea what the words Peter had just spoken meant when strung together in that order. Annette Kingsolver, who? It was like Peter had begun speaking in code, and Lily told him as much.

Peter laughed. “It’s from one of those books we read together: _The Feverish Dalliance of Souls_ by Esme Flynn. It’s pretty good actually, less soapy than some of the other books we’ve read together. It was going for a kind of surrealist, stream of conscious thing that gave it a real literary flare.”

“Okay…but what does it mean?” Lily said, struggling not to grab Peter by the shoulders and shake until the answers fell out.

“Well, Annette Kingsolver is one of the secondary characters in the book. After her boyfriend breaks up with her, she decides to get back at him.” Peter seemed to trail off at the end, which Lily figured couldn’t be a good sign.

“How?” Lily asked.

“Oh, um, well that…she kind of sleeps with like everyone he knows, his coworkers, his mates…his dad.”

“Oh my God!” Lily screeched.

“Don’t worry! I don’t think Marlene was suggesting you go that far. More I think she just thought the sleeping around thing captured the spirit of it,” Peter rushed to reassure her. “Personally, I always found Annette a bit of a villain, but Marlene insists that she’s the unsung antihero of the story.”

Lily made a weak noise in the back of her throat. Honestly, she was going to have to sit down with Marlene and give her a talking to if she thought there was any world in which Lily was going to lose her virginity as a component of some complicated revenge scheme. The very idea of it made her skin crawl.

“Also, I don’t think she necessarily meant that you should…you know with other guys. I think she might have meant that you’ll start dating a lot of people, and that’s not so bad is it?” Peter said. “In my opinion, she mostly just wanted to freak James out.”

“And James knows who Annette Kingsolver is?” Lily asked skeptically.

“He does now that I told him,” Peter said.

Dating was definitely better than sex, but Marlene was still far from Lily’s reality. There would be no dating for her anytime soon. Every date would be a reminder of the perfect thing that she’d let fall apart. Besides, her confidence had been crushed. How could she put any faith in one of the boys on the Hogwarts dating scene when James – the best of them all – had thrown her away so easily? She’d spend every minute that she wasn’t pining after James, obsessing over her flaws.

Still, she could kind of appreciate what Marlene was attempting to accomplish. It was the kind of advice Lily had given Shelia after a break up, the old _the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else_ line, which effectively doubled as a nice dose of revenge as the ex-boyfriend was almost always deeply offended by it. Nice as it was, Lily didn’t think she could play those kinds of games with James. Yes, it would kill her when he started dating someone new, but she’d just need to accept it because she wouldn’t be the one to date first.

Unable to resist though, Lily asked quietly, “And did he? Freak out, I mean.”

“Oh yeah,” Peter grinned. “He was majorly horrified.”

Petty though it may be, Lily figured she could take that as a small victory. Sirius would be horrified. Victories had no place in her new, compromising school of thought.

They were nearing the Greenhouse where the phoenix bush was blooming, and Lily realized that she was overdue to make a decision about her situation. All she could really do was examine the facts. Humphries, who valued order, would pressure her to partner with Peter once more, and Nott with Susan, a return to the way things were when the class was quiet and uneventful. If Lily wanted to reshuffle the partners, she’d probably need to make a scene, so the first thing she needed to do was decide whether or not she was comfortable fighting for a change.

The answer was yes. She had never made good on her threat to Humphries of reporting Nott to Dumbledore, taken the coward’s way out of the entire mess, but not today. If Humphries couldn’t withstand a little conflict, a little controversy, then she ought to find a new profession in which she didn’t have authority over anyone. When Lily had first agreed to switch with Susan, she’d known that fighting for what was right was often painful, but she’d adopted all of the discomfort onto herself and remained unwilling to draw anyone else into the fray. That needed to end now. Sirius certainly wouldn’t be too embarrassed to hold Humphries to account, so Lily shouldn’t be either.

It was strange that after one meaningful conversation Lily was now looking at Sirius for life lessons.

Second, she needed to make a decision about the ideal partner situation. Susan couldn’t be allowed to sit with Nott. Lily simply wouldn’t allow it. She was grateful that Sev had tried to remedy the situation, but his idea of a solution was too impalatable to be considered, and she was deeply ashamed that in her weakest moments she’d longed for the return of Nott’s attentions to Susan. No, Susan would be free from him if Lily had to murder Nott in the middle of class.

Peter by her side, Lily suddenly had such a wonderful thought that she almost dropped all of her books. It was like in Potions a few weeks ago when she’d wanted to partner with Sev and convinced Marlene to move with Sirius and James to sit with Mulciber. In all of her calculations up until today, Peter had still been in the Hospital Wing, but he was out now! The question wasn’t whether Lily or Susan had to partner with Nott. Right beside her was a perfectly competent pureblood boy who could step in for them!

“Peter! You probably know from James that I was having some problems with Nott in class,” Lily started eagerly.

“Yeah, it sounded terrible. You must have missed me horribly, but don’t worry. I’m back now, so we can partner up again!” Peter said happily.

“Actually, I was thinking you could partner with Nott, and I’ll start working with Susan Kerns. See, the problem is that he was doing the same thing to her before you ever got hurt. I can’t let her return to that, but he’s not going to bully you at all,” Lily explained. “Don’t you see? It’s the perfect plan!”

Despite her veil of enthusiasm, Lily wasn’t so blind as to not recognize that Peter wasn’t sharing in her excitement. He came to a halt on the path and stared at her like she’d just cheerfully announced that his kitten had been hit by a truck. Lily stopped as well.

“But we’re partners,” Peter said.

“Well, yes…but if we switch, then we can keep Susan safe too,” Lily said.

“I was in the hospital for weeks and when I get out, you don’t even want to be partners anymore?” Peter said.

Lily gaped. Obviously this had nothing to do with wanting or not wanting to be Peter’s partner. If she had to choose who she preferred to work with, she’d pick Peter over Susan certainly, but that hardly mattered when so many other considerations had to be taken into account. There was a matter of right and wrong here. Her personal preferences had no business playing a role in her decision. Surely, Peter could recognize that.

Besides, they hadn’t even been particularly good partners! Lily would argue that they’d grown closer since his accident than all their time in class together. Mostly she’d just sit there, letting him perform the majority of the work and not contributing to any meaningful conversation. While Nott would prove a less pleasant partner, it wasn’t like Lily had been all that great either.

“I’m sorry, Peter. It’s just the way it is,” Lily said helplessly. When Peter didn’t appear to soften, Lily added, “Look at it this way, you’ll be my and Susan’s hero. That has to count for something, right?”

“I guess so,” Peter relented, still sullen but at least verbally on board with her plan. Lily could have kissed him. Instead she settled for giving him a quick hug. When Lily pulled back, Peter said, “You know, Lily, if you decide to go the Annette Kingsolver route, I’m always available.”

Lily laughed loudly and gave him a playful shove. That Peter was always such a hoot. She appreciated that he was making jokes all the more because he was obviously still a little upset about the unexpected partner switch-up. The jokes were all to alleviate the tension, which she thought was perfectly lovely of him.

Inside the greenhouse, the desks were overcrowded with students as three plus classes had to squeeze into the enclosed space. Given the chaos, Lily realized it would be easier than she’d anticipated to trade partners without attracting Humphries attention. It also heightened the need to rescue Susan immediately as Lily shuddered to think what Nott could get up to in the hectic atmosphere, which would shield his actions.

Susan, who likely had no idea about the machinations that had occurred behind the scenes since their last class, sat alone with her head on the desk. When she spotted Peter, every bit of color drained from her face. Clearly she’d done the math and thought her time away from Nott was at an end. Lily marched determinedly over to her desk and plopped down in the seat beside her.

“Hello, I was thinking that you and I should partner up for the rest of term. What do you think?” Lily asked.

Positively beaming, Susan said, “I think that sounds lovely.”

Because Nott hadn’t yet arrived, Peter lurked behind the two girls. Lily still felt a bit guilty about how Peter was shorted in their new arrangement, but it was the only solution she could devise unless Nott could somehow be convinced to drop the class. A few minutes before the impromptu class was set to begin, Nott strolled in. He wasn’t alone though. Accompanying him, Shelia walked confidently into the Greenhouse, welcome as this was an open class for all students.

Since Shelia was with him, Nott tried to be covert as he scoped out his typical victims. His eyes narrowed when he saw the way Lily and Susan were sitting together. He was clever enough to place what Lily was trying to accomplish immediately.

“He’s going to sit with Shelia, so I can stay here right?” Peter asked hopefully.

“I think you should probably go tell him now,” Lily said regretfully, “That way he doesn’t try to join us at this table. You can run interference.”

Without further complaint, Peter marched off to do just that, and both Lily and Susan were able to share a miraculously Nott-free class. The phoenix bush burst into bloom about nine minutes into the lecture, and Lily could honestly say that she’d never seen anything as beautiful in her life. With a literal burst of fire, the phoenix bush leaves were shed and replaced with blossoms of pure gold. Faced with such beauty, Lily could only sigh and listen to Humprhries’ lecture with wonder. She was reminded of just how little she knew, the sheer size of the unknown, and of how much of it was brilliantly beautiful.

Distracted as she was, Lily didn’t see that when Peter introduced himself to Nott, the boy didn’t sneer or protest. He simply offered Peter a friendly hand, and Peter, well, he took it.

 

Lily wouldn’t quite say that she was giddy when she left class, but she was somewhere close to it. The problem of Nott had been weighing on her for weeks, and she could finally see the bright and shiny end looming in the distance. Curiously, alongside her happiness was the utter certainty that Nott would make one final play before it was all over. People like him didn’t silently accept defeat. Nott had been humiliated by James and now circumvented by Lily. He’d make one final attempt to end their conflict – if it could be called that when the discord had been so one-sided – on his terms.

Despite her confidence that things weren’t over, she’d honestly expected a little more time than she was actually given. Nott made his move immediately after class, through, as she really should have predicted, Shelia, which was an inspired move because Shelia remained a weak point for Lily. The two strolled purposefully towards her, hand-in-hand and, objectively speaking, a beautiful couple. Lily had seen Shelia in a number of classes, but she’d always actively tried to look away rather than suffer walking towards her. Lily drank in the features of Shelia’s face. It was like she’d been parched all this time and only the familiar lines and expressions of Shelia could satisfy her.

That she still cared so much was evidence that Lily was well and truly desperate. She wanted to appear snide and unaffected. No, more than that, she wanted to _be_ snide and unaffected, but she continued to cling to memories that were now sullied and cast under suspicion. Like when she’d ended her friendship with Sev at the end of fifth year, she was left with an emptiness that she couldn’t quite figure out how to fill. And Shelia’s loss hurt far more than Sev’s ever had, which was funny, because before she’d been betrayed by both, Lily couldn’t have answered which friend was more important to her, but now the answer stood out so starkly in her heartbreak that the very question appeared ludicrous.

“Just thought we’d stop by and see if you had anything to say for yourself,” Shelia greeted her haughtily.

It was almost comical how differently Lily and Shelia perceived the situation. Lily was in the middle of a war with Nott, one where the victory was in clear sight so long as she stayed focused and disciplined. Nothing about this was petty or personal because how could she be offended by Nott’s words when they were aimed not at Lily the person but at her as a representative of all muggleborns? Nott was infuriating because his bigotry had real-life consequences for innocent people, not because his barbs against her ever landed. The only way he’d ever succeeded in truly hurting her was when Shelia chose him, and even then it had been Shelia’s choice to do so.

Comparatively, Shelia was playing an entirely different game. Her last words to Lily had been tinged with a long-growing resentment of the most personal nature. They’d competed for years, and the string of failures on Shelia’s end had finally bubbled over into something nasty. So when she approached Lily, her intent was to be vindicated in her quest to win one over on her old friend.

Their difference in motives left Lily momentarily confused. She wasn’t sure what Shelia was asking, what she was trying to accomplish. All she knew was that Nott wanted to hurt her, and she would need to be on guard against his every attempt.

“For myself? Um…I’m glad Humphries called this extra class because that bush was actually stunning,” Lily said, aware that it wasn’t what Shelia wanted to hear though Shelia’s exact goal escaped her.

Shelia rolled her eyes. “No one cares about your opinion on a bush. I mean about your freaking boyfriend.”

Would it make her unforgivably pathetic if she lit up a bit at hearing James called her boyfriend? Lily figured that answer to that question was probably a yes and tried to school her expression so that a smile didn’t flit across her face.

“I’m assuming you mean James,” Lily said lightly, “and I don’t have much of anything to say about him.”

“Merlin, Lily, I understand not wanting to admit when you’ve done something wrong, but there comes a point where you just cross a line. How can you look at me and not feel ashamed?” Shelia admonished.

From anyone else, Lily might have questioned herself a bit but from Shelia of all people, Lily couldn’t help the bubble of laughter that rose to the top of her throat. She was chuckling before she could stop herself. “That’s a bit rich coming from you.”

“James broke his leg! His leg! Like he’s some kind of animal!” Shelia said heatedly. “And you can’t even apologize for setting him on my boyfriend like that. You’re lucky that Preston’s not reporting this to Dumbledore.”

“Oh, yes, I’m sure lucky that Nott’s so generous,” Lily said, deadpan. “Almost like he’s worried that some things might come to light that would get him in worse trouble.”

She regarded Nott coolly – an expression she’d rarely managed to achieve around him – and his returning look was just as inscrutable. She knew that she had him pegged right though because he didn’t argue. Let Shelia think that Nott was just being the better man by keeping James’ assault a secret, Lily would know that it was cowardice that drove his action and deep down, she suspected that Shelia did too.

Face flushing with her anger at being thwarted – because by refusing to cower with guilt, Lily was refusing to play the part Shelia had designated for her in her fantasies – Shelia said, “How can you be so shameless? Just apologize. Apologize to Preston!”

“Why would I apologize? I’m not the one who broke his leg,” Lily said.

“Please, like you didn’t set James on him,” Shelia sneered.

“Actually, I didn’t. I didn’t even tell James that Nott–” and here Lily turned to Nott so that she could study his reaction,“ – was hurting me. Someone else told him and James decided to take action. I’m not his keeper, and if your boyfriend’s too much of a baby to take responsibility for his own actions, maybe he should consider being more discrete when he tortures innocent girls instead of slicing them up in the middle of classes.”

Shelia was furious and Lily could understand why. The truth had never had much of a place in Shelia’s relationships. Rarely was the reality of how Shelia’s boyfriends felt complimentary, and she would rather live in a world of fantasy where she loved and was loved in return. For once, a lack of affection didn’t seem to be the problem, and a small part of Lily actually sympathized with the irony of Shelia’s plight. Instead of ignoring the fact that Nott didn’t love her – he did – Shelia had to ignore the very essence of his personality. Lily wondered if she’d ever met someone with worse romantic luck, and she’d been chucked the day before.

“I can’t believe that you’re this jealous of me,” Shelia said, shaking her head. “How desperate can you be? You’re like a bug that just won’t accept where it belongs.”

“You know what, you don’t actually think that. You’re just saying all of this because you think I’ve organized some coup against you because I’m jealous that a boy likes you, which if you thought for ten seconds, you would realize makes zero sense. I’ve never been anything but supportive of your boyfriends, and it’s not like I fancy your git boyfriend. I have James, and I’m happy on my own. I want you to be happy too. Someday, when you realize that I was never doing any of this to hurt you and nothing was inspired by jealousy, you’re going to come and apologize to me. I’ll be looking forward to it,” Lily told Shelia, and she did a terrible job of keeping the condescension out of her voice.

“Ignore her. She’s just a mouthy bitch,” Nott said, unimpressed.

Nodding her agreement, Shelia chimed in with some of her own thoughts as to just what personality flaws were responsible for Lily’s disrespect. The language was colorful.

A thought began to occur to Lily as she stood there, listening to their taunting. Nott was mostly quiet in favor of allowing Shelia to lash out at Lily, but when he did speak, the tone of his attacks was unfamiliar. His words were derisive and cruel just as she remembered them, true, but they seemed to attack Lily as a person not as a muggleborn. In the past, Nott would never bother digging so deep to find a way to insult her because he viewed her as one in a monolith, not as an individual. As their conversation stretched on and Nott still didn’t levy any of the usual abuse her way, Lily couldn’t help but wonder why, and the possibilities were wonderful. Her main hypothesis? Shelia didn’t realize just how awful Nott could be, and he didn’t think she’d like what she discovered. Never had testing a hypothesis been such fun.

“Sure, I’m a bitch, but what else?” Lily challenged.

She was surprised by how easy it was to fight back. All of her reticence faded away like her nerves were a now out-of-season cloak that she’d been wearing and now removed. The world didn’t collapse in around her, her adrenaline wasn’t up in fear of how Nott or Shelia would retaliate. Both of them were capable of hurting her and terribly, but she could recognize with new clarity just how well-positioned she was to return the favor. If they wanted to play this game, Lily would beat them at it.

“What else?” Shelia asked.

“Yeah, what else? Nott you’ve had some great ones these past few weeks. What else would you call me? Come on, the absolute best insult you can think of to describe someone like me. What is it?” Lily said.

Nott smirked and didn’t answer, like Lily was being especially crass. Unfortunately for him, Lily had learned that his coolly cruel demeanor could be broken as long as she put pressure on the right spots, and she was going to keep goading him until he did. They could call her annoying all they liked because for once that was going to work in her favor.

“I’m predicting bad things for your relationship if you keep this up,” Lily sighed, shaking her head like it was actually a tragedy as opposed to a day she would celebrate loudly and proudly.

“Excuse me?” Shelia hissed.

“I’m saying that I don’t know how you expect to last as a couple when Nott feels like has to hide himself from you,” Lily explained.

“Preston is completely honest with me,” Shelia said, so defensively that Lily knew she must have had some pretty serious doubts that she was now compensating for.

“Is that true, Preston?” Lily mocked. “Come on, what are you going to do when you’re married? Are you just going to keep your opinions to yourself? Never say what you’re really feeling in case she finds out?” Lily felt like a matador and Nott was the bull. She just had to keep taunting him, keep shifting the red flag until she finally hit him in just the spot that he couldn’t ignore. Then he’d charger her. “Better to be upfront now so that she can get used to it. Bottling all that nastiness up is going to do bad things to your skin.”

Subtly enough that someone not looking for it might have missed it, Nott clenched his jaw. Like the bull in her metaphor, he exhaled heavily from his nostrils, the tell-tale sign of rage. He was so close. Maybe it wasn’t smart of her to try to push a violent deatheater to his breaking point, but Lily had to admit that there was something intoxicating about the eminent explosion. So what if she was taken out in its wake so long as Nott went with her.

With every bit of venom she could muster, Lily spat one word before she began to turn to walk away from them: “Pathetic.”

And it worked like a charm. In fact, it probably worked a bit too well.

“Pathetic? A nasty mudblood bitch like you calling me pathetic?” Nott spat.

To her absolute horror, he grabbed her by the wrist to prevent her from leaving, swinging her back around to face him. While her goal had been to see him lash out at her, the experience was made substantially more frightening while he was touching her bare skin. The first time he’d ever done so. Lily’s eyes went wide, and she felt those familiar instincts to stay perfectly still like he might just overlook her and disappear.

“Is this what you wanted?” he sneered, hand clamping down harder and harder on her wrist until she was sure to bruise. “Mudblood. There, I said it, and I don’t care that Shells heard it because she can hardly argue with the facts.”

“Filthy mudblood in need of extermination,” Lily offered quietly. She didn’t even bother trying to shake her wrist free.

“Exactly,” Nott said.

Nerves a jumbled mess, Lily finally let herself glance over to where Shelia was watching. She’d been putting off just this moment out of fear of what she’d find there. There weren’t words to describe how devastated she’d be if Shelia was watching unaffected or with a sneer of agreement. That kind of vitriol would be the final piece of evidence that Lily needed to know that her friend Shelia was well and truly gone, and for weeks she’d been putting off just that. Now, though as much as she wanted to cling to her memories of better times, she needed to face the truth.

What Lily saw when she looked at Shelia wasn’t immediately illuminating. Shelia just looked oddly still, frozen in place like she had no reaction whatsoever. The good news was that Shelia clearly didn’t share Nott’s vicious opinions, the bad that Lily couldn’t tell whether Shelia particularly minded their differences. Her stillness could indicate just about anything. Feeling disappointed, Lily realized Shelia wouldn’t prove any help whatsoever.

“I’m going to walk away now,” Lily announced firmly. “I’m going to walk away, and we’re never going to speak to each other again, because the next time you try anything with me or Susan, I’m going straight to Dumbledore. Enjoy the rest of term with Peter. He’s a better partner than you deserve.”

When she took a step away, Nott’s hold on her wrist loosened. Lily felt enormously relieved because she had no idea what she’d have done if he refused to release her. The whole ‘never speak to me again’ part of her argument, however, seemed to be lost on Nott because he didn’t stop talking.

“I already agreed to leave you alone in class for Snape’s sake. I can respect that you’re one of my friend’s toys, not mine, but I’m going to keep working with Susan. I’m going to keep working with Susan because Dumbledore won’t do a damn thing to protect a couple of mudbloods against someone like me. And even if I can’t partner with her again, there’s plenty of filth in this school. Hey, I even have a class with your mudblood friend, McKinnon. Maybe I’ll start sitting by her. Give her a nice, deep cut to match the one I gave you.”

To say that Lily snapped was a bit of an understatement. Her mind zeroed in with laser focus on how to accomplish one, singular goal: hurt Preston Nott as much as she could. All of her old hesitations about resorting to violence remained, but fortunately for her a slap across the face wasn’t the best way to hurt him. No, in her moment of fury inspired brilliance, a much better way occurred to her.

In one smooth motion, Lily bit so hard into the inside of her cheek that blood began to well up in her mouth and pulled her head back to look directly at him. Then, she spit. Her cheek hurt like she couldn’t believe as her adrenaline was pumping wildly enough that she’d been able to gouge into her own flesh with more than normal strength, but it was entirely worth it because she would always remember how Preston Nott looked with a gob of red-tinged saliva dripping off of his chin. His disgust appeared to have paralyzed him because Nott made no move to kill her, standing stock-still and allowing her to perfectly capture the image forever.

Unable to resist, Lily reached out and rubbed the spit across his cheek. “Here, now you can have some muddy blood all for yourself.”

Coming back to life, Nott made a grab for her again, but Lily quickly danced out of reach. For his next move, Nott went to draw his wand. Lily reached for her own, only she had trouble getting a good grip as her hands were soaked with sweat. Fumbling, she tried to pull her wand out only to realize that Nott had beaten her to it. The wand he levelled at her – a dark mahogany and perfectly straight – promised nothing but pain. Judging by the wild look in his eyes, Lily wasn’t sure that Nott was in control enough to remember that killing her in the corridors wasn’t an option.

She braced herself for the impact of something excruciating, only it never came. Instead, she heard the incantation for an _Expelliarmus_ and say Nott’s wand go flying out of his hand. The help came from an unexpected corner, or perhaps, Lily should have known that Shelia would be there for her when it counted all along. Holding Nott’s wand so tightly that her knuckles were almost beige, Shelia stared at the two of them.

“Give that back,” Nott snarled, and then somewhat more softly. “Baby, give that back.”

“You actually…hurt Marlene – and then what you said – all this time – with Lily…and I just – cut her hand,” Shelia’s words came out in an unintelligible jumble, but what couldn’t be understood in terms of direction was very clear in terms of sentiment. Finally, blessedly, Shelia believed what Lily had tried to convey about Nott all along. And not only did she believe it, but she was appalled by it too.

“Can we talk about this later?” Nott tried firmly, hand held out for the return of his wand.

Just in case Shelia was stupid enough to give it to him, Lily quickly unearthed her own wand and aimed it in Nott’s direction. Shelia held Nott’s wand out a bit from her body, and Lily readied herself to begin casting spells. She needn’t have worried. After looking briefly between the two of them – expression still completely dumbstruck – Shelia brought her second hand up to Nott’s wand…

…And snapped it in half.

Nott released a mangled scream at the destruction of his most precious possession – this semi-conscious extension of himself – and Lily nearly dropped her wand in surprise. To break another wizard’s wand was an unbelievably aggressive act, and Shelia didn’t look the least bit apologetic.

“I think we should see other people,” Shelia said. She delivered this final dig with the catty flare that Lily would expect, but there was a hysterical quality to her voice, almost like she couldn’t believe what was happening or what she had just done.

Distracted as he was by the girlfriend that he’d clearly cherished dumping him unexpectedly like this, Nott managed to forget entirely about Lily. He wiped the spittle from his face absently with the sleeve of his robe, all while still staring at Shelia like she might announce that the entire thing was a joke on her part. Knowing that when Nott regained himself he was going to be twice as furious and probably violent, Lily sidled back to slip into the crowd and away from the nightmare of a boy that had tormented her these last few weeks.

She no longer needed to concern herself with what happened to Nott. He was a chapter in her story, and one that was now closed.

Before she left, Lily’s eyes met Shelia’s for one short but meaningful moment. So much was communicated there that it could fill a hundred novels – guilt, anger, apology, longing, true understanding. It was a cocktail that left Lily feeling drunk on the headiness of possibility. In a lot of ways, Lily knew that allowing her hopes to soar like this was a mistake. Shelia’s only crime wasn’t dating Nott. Since their relationship had come to life, she’d all but vomited her insecurities over Lily in the form of cruel insults and petty tirades. Without a lot of work to establish that she had grown and recognized her mistakes on that front, Lily had no business contemplating forgiveness.

Still…

Still, while Nott’s chapter in her life was over, Lily was suddenly filled with the sense that Shelia’s was only just beginning.


	52. Oct 30: Part II

**October 30, 1977**

It was like the sky was raining fire.

Or rather, like viscous drops of yellow potion were dripping from the ceiling, each one warm enough to burn at the touch, which happened to be exactly what was happening. When one particularly large glob fell onto the floor beside her feet, it _sizzled_ , a stream of smoke rising up from the ground. Protected by the shield charm she’d hastily raised, Lily didn’t need to fear any third-degree burns, but she still coughed at the smell that was now permeating through the room and growing thicker by the minute. It smelled tart, almost like an apple but with the scent so concentrated that it turned from pleasant to overwhelming. The bitter tang of sulfur beneath the cloying sweetness warped it into something that left the hairs on her nostrils singed.

Lily had really thought she’d been onto something brilliant when she added the sulfur to her work with the Varamini Potion, but the results were a lot less productive than she’d anticipated and a lot more…messy. Sighing, Lily started work on cleaning up the wreckage of the Potions’ classroom that she’d coopted. Since she didn’t intend to salvage any of this batch of the potion, she could use magic for the cleanup, but the process still felt like work.

Working on the potion while her mind was split in a million different directions had been a bad call. One of the first rules of potion brewing was to leave your problems at the door, and she knew better than to brew distracted. Her conversation with Nott and Shelia, however, kept replaying in her head. Uncharacteristically, she wasn’t dwelling on what she ought to have said or regretting her words. She actually felt pretty damn spectacular about how she’d handled everything.

She was so happy, in fact, that she hummed a happy tune as she worked, supplemented by the occasional off-key whistle.

One stubborn patch of potion refused to be vanished away, so Lily dropped to her knees to scrub at the offending waste with a damp cloth. Her elbows started to ache with the strain of it, but she persisted, missing the sound of the door creaking open behind her. Distracted as she was, Lily nearly jumped out of her skin when someone began to speak.

“Was the goal to test how well your cauldron stands up to acids or…?”

Lily shrieked and kind of rolled onto her back so that she could face the new occupant of the room. Hand at her heart as if that could somehow steady it, she gasped, “Severus! What – I didn’t hear you come in!”

He looked a little surly at her exclamation, and Lily figured he was annoyed that she wasn’t happier to see him. How she was meant to feel happiness when her body was coming down from survival mode was unclear to her. She’d always thought it was cruel when other students compared Sev to a bat, but she had to admit that there was something to the comparison, what with the way he could slide unnoticed into any room.

“The potion?” Sev asked, nodding toward the cauldron that was still emitting that sickly smell.

“Oh, ah, sulfur was a bad call. It blew the whole thing sky high,” Lily said.

Sev spun the ladle through the remains of the potion with idle interest. “You should have consulted with me. I would have told you that nothing good could come of adding sulfur.”

“Oh well, it wasn’t a complete waste of time,” Lily shrugged. She cast a spell on the dirty cloth so that it would be impermeable and not sully the rest of her things before dropping it into her satchel.

“Your potion’s ruined. How is that not a waste of time?” Sev asked disdainfully. She couldn’t tell whether his disdain was levied towards her or the mess or the potion itself.

“It wasn’t a waste of time. Now I know that sulfur isn’t the right ingredient at this stage in the process, and I didn’t know that before,” Lily said.

She knew that she sounded oddly defensive, but she wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk to Severus and she _definitely_ wasn’t in the mood to listen to him talk down to her. While she recognized that disdain was par for the course with him, it still stung when it was directed at her. Or, perhaps, her defensiveness was a product of the excitement, the joy that had been coursing through her veins since she’d put Nott firmly in his face. Terrible as it was, Lily had come to associate Severus with ruining her good moods, and she desperately wanted to hold onto this particular victory.

Grunting in lieu of an answer, Severus continued to stare down at her cauldron. She got the impression that he was expecting something from her, and it didn’t take several tries to guess what. Word was sure to have spread throughout school about her showdown with Nott, and he was sure to have opinions. In the past, Lily would have worried about just what Severus had to say about her behavior, but today she found she couldn’t care less, casually hopping up to sit cross-legged on the desk and waiting for him to speak.

“Busy day?” Sev asked.

“Don’t play coy,” Lily chided playfully.

“I can’t ask about your day?” Severus countered.

“Well, sure you can ask. Okay, well, today I spent some time out near the lake, and it was something. Let me tell you. I know it’s brisk out, but the grounds just looked lovely,” Lily said, taking a passive-aggressive pleasure in watching as Severus grew more and more irritated at her refusal to address what he really wanted to talk about.

 _Good_ , she thought viciously. Let him come out and ask her if he wanted any information.

“Lily,” Severus hissed, and she wondered whether he meant to sound so threatening. Knowing him, it was an affect that he’d probably practiced in the mirror for months.

“Sev,” Lily mimicked back. Rolling her eyes at his need to be difficult, she decided to put an end to their standoff. “If you want to hear about what happened with Nott, just come out and say it. I don’t know why you have to dance around the subject like that.”

“I already know what happened. Everyone knows what happened!”

“And you say that like it’s a problem,” Lily said.

Examining her hands, Lily spotted a hang nail. As Severus stewed over her cheekiness, she picked clinically at the offending nail. Best to just tear it off. The pain would be fierce in the moment, but these things were best done swiftly to ward off the infection. The pain she’d feel would be fleeting.

“I’d fixed things for you already,” Severus said, moodily.

“Yes and I appreciate the thought,” Lily said, “but your solution didn’t work for me.”

“Didn’t work for you?” Severus said in disbelief. “I negotiated the perfect solution. It was discrete. It kept you safe. It didn’t put an enormous target on your back for the future. What could possibly be your problem?”

“The only reason Nott started on me was because I wanted to protect Susan Kerns. How is it a solution if everything returns to the way it was before?” Lily demanded.

“Because at least then you would be safe!” Severus said angrily. He pounded his fist on the table hard enough that the ingredients rattled, but Lily didn’t bat an eye at the display of violence. Those outbursts had always terrified her, mostly because she was such a self-contained person that any passionate demonstration of emotion was bound to startle her. The Lily of today, however, was the type of girl to spit in a guy’s face, so it wasn’t nearly as unexpected.

“Somethings are worth fighting for, Sev. Besides, Nott won’t mess with me anymore. It’s over,” Lily said.

It was Severus’s turn to scoff like she was absurd. “Over? You spit muddy blood in his face!”

“Excuse me!”

“I’m not calling your blood muddy,” Severus clarified hastily. “I’m just explaining how Nott’s going to view it.”

“I also got his girlfriend to dump him and break his wand. What can I say? When you’re good, you’re good,” Lily said arrogantly, flicking her hair over her shoulders.

Severus didn’t find the situation funny.

“I don’t find anything about this situation funny,” he snapped. “Nott is never going to forget this, and he’ll want to pay you back for this someday, Lily.”

“I’m muggleborn. I was always going to have enemies once I left here,” Lily said.

It was incredible how little this declaration bothered her. Before, she’d been terrified of what she’d be expected to face, but that was before she handled Nott. Like she’d told James in their fight, all she’d ever wanted was a little faith in herself, and now she had it.

“There’s a difference between facing a hypothetical threat and having a death eater explicitly advocating that they attack you in meetings,” Severus snapped.

Lily bristled, her temper flaring like a star moments away from an explosion. In his words, Sev had all but admitted that he knew Nott was a death eater. He’d always been so defensive of such accusations in the past, insisting that his friends weren’t _really_ death eaters, that they were just callous and misunderstood. These explanations were usually followed by a reminder of the Marauders’ bad behavior over the years, lest she forget that his mates weren’t the only ones in the school behaving like goons. Deep down, she’d always known that he was aware of the truth about his friends, and now he’d all but told her as much.

“If that’s the case, then I’ll take care of it the way I took care of Nott,” Lily bit out.

Sneering, Snape said, “You can’t rely on your precious Potter to keep you safe out there.”

Of course this came back to James. If Sev was so familiar with her situation with Nott, it made perfect sense that he’d also be aware of how James had violently escalated their conflict on Friday night. The desire to laugh almost overpowered her self-control. Forever and ever, Severus would always be this one note, unable to move past the bullying that traumatized him in school. Lily could hardly fault him for choosing not to forgive James as it wasn’t like James had ever bothered to apologize to Severus personally, but he took his obsession and applied it to every area of his life, including the places where it had no business.

For once, Lily refused to let Severus turn this – everything she’d went through with the bigotry and the violence and the suffering – into another chapter in his vendetta against James.

She affixed him with her coolest look, and when she spoke her lip curled. “Just say whatever it is that you’re dying to say, Sev.”

“I don’t know how you can be seeing him after everything he’s done to me.”

“This isn’t about me and James,” Lily said.

A sense that the conversation was about to veer into unintended directions filled her. She hadn’t gone looking for Severus, hadn’t intended to have this conversation with him today, but ever since she’d stood up to Nott, she’d known that Severus would be next. The strange stalemate that they’d adopted for the past month wasn’t designed to last. One of them was always going to give in the end, and Lily was now certain that it wouldn’t be her.

“So you’re not denying it,” Sev spat, furious that she wasn’t falling to her knees and begging for his forgiveness and understanding.

Lily blinked. “What? Of course I’m not denying it. Sev, it’s all over school. Everyone knows already. How could I possibly stand here and pretend it’s not all well-founded.”

“After everything he’s done. Everything he’s done to me. How can you just betray me like that?”

“You betray me like that every time you spend time with your so-called _friends_. And you’ve never once stopped for me!” Lily snapped back, gaining volume with every word.

In comparison, Severus’s voice grew tighter, more quiet and venomous as he spoke. “You can’t call yourself a good friend while screwing around with that –”

“Fine. I won’t call myself a good friend then!” Lily said. She could just tell him that James had chucked her, of course, but while that would mollify Sev, it wouldn’t solve things for her. She didn’t want him to drop the subject just because he assumed life had taken care of the problem. They were going to have this out and have some damn closure once and for all. “Listen, if you want to stop being my friend over this, if you view it as that great a betrayal, fine. I’ll respect that.”

“I’m not going to just stop being your friend over it,” Severus muttered.

“It’s your choice. But I am going to make you choose, Sev. You can’t have Nott and Mulciber and these bigots and have me at the same time. It doesn’t work. And unlike you, I am willing to walk away.”

Lily was mildly surprised once she’d finished speaking just because she hadn’t thought about issuing such an ultimatum even once. Yet it had clearly been brewing beneath the surface for some time, and it was obviously how she truly felt. All this time, her refusal to compromise had been driven by a fear she’d refused to assess. The fear that there was something so fundamentally wrong with her that she couldn’t make demands for herself or she’d end up entirely alone. She knew that was untrue now though. Even if every boy she ever met walked away from her, she’d still have Alice and Mary and Marlene. If for some awful reason she lost the three of them, she could make a new friend, like Dorcas. She didn’t have to live her life afraid, allowing herself to be stepped on. Not anymore.

Severus once more hurried to reassure her with meaningless promises. “You know I don’t believe –”

“Yes, yes, yes. I know all about how you justify this to yourself,” Lily said, rolling her eyes at his predictability. She knew exactly what speech she’d interrupted, the one about how he wasn’t responsible or complicit in his friends’ bigotry, “But none of that changes the fact that you’d help these people as they try to hurt others. People like me. Me. In the face of that, I don’t really care what your reasons are! Not anymore.

Clenching his fists, Severus took a moment to assess the situation. She could practically see the thoughts whirring through his mind as he realized that she wasn’t going to be easily dissuaded this time around. “If I can’t have them, then you can’t have –”

“No!” Lily interrupted him unabashedly once again.

“Are you ever going to let me finish speaking?”

“You know what, I don’t think so. You’re not willing to stop being my friend because I’m dating James. I’m willing to stop being your friend because you’re friends with death eaters. That’s where we stand. Sorry, Sev, but you’re not exactly negotiating from a position of power here,” Lily said, hands on her hips and unable to keep up the façade that she was cool and collected any longer.

“You’re asking me to be completely alone. You’d be all I had. No friends, no family, just you. And a you that’s fucking Potter,” Sev said heatedly.

“I am sorry for that, Sev. I really am,” Lily said because she wasn’t so bitter as to not recognize how awful his position would be if he rejected his Slytherin friends once and for all. He’d be resigning himself to a life of loneliness, but Lily couldn’t forget that he had chosen this path for himself. The consequences were his to bear.

“…What if…as a friend it might not be enough but if you and I were something more. Then maybe it would be worth it,” Severus said slowly.

Lily bit into her lip so hard it bled. “Do you think I’m a whore?”

“What? No, of course not.”

“Really? Because it sounds to me like you were just suggesting that you would pay me for access to my heart or my body or my whatever. Like I have to buy your agreement here!” Lily snarled. He could frantically protest as much as he wanted but Lily knew exactly where he’d been leading.

“That’s not what I meant,” Severus said.

“That’s exactly what you were suggesting,” Lily said. “I don’t want you like that Sev. I just don’t. It’s not exactly something a person can just control, and it’s never been how I viewed you.”

“But if I wasn’t friends with them anymore –” Severus tried.

“You’d be a better friend for it, but it wouldn’t change the type of feelings I have for you, which are platonic. Forever and ever, platonic,” Lily said firmly.

She wondered whether late at night Sev had always comforted himself with the idea that the only reason she didn’t want him was his choice in friends. The thought would be comforting because it would mean that the power to have her was always within his reach. When the day came where he prioritized her love over his friends, he’d dump them and she’d come running. Perhaps Lily had fed into this narrative throughout the years because it was easier to take the easy out than admit that there were fundamental flaws in Sev’s personality that would prevent her from ever returning his feelings. Such conversations were always painful amongst friends.

“So that’s it then?” Sev demanded. “That’s all you have to offer me? Have no friends or future, but you’ll give me a few hours a week when you’re not with Potter?”

Jaw clenched, Lily looked him straight in the eye. “Choose.”

“Don’t be…don’t be stupid about this,” Severus said.

“Choose.”

“Lily, I –”

“Choose.”

Backed entirely into a corner, Severus reacted like an animal would, by lashing out all bared teeth and condescending sneer. “You know what, I don’t have to choose. You’ve pulled this shite before, twice before actually, and each time you came back. You’ll whine about how I’ve betrayed you for a bit, and once that’s out of your system, you’ll return and we’ll be friends again. Just like that.”

“This isn’t like last time,” Lily said.

“Really? Because I can’t see the difference,” Severus countered.

The difference that was so plain to see for Lily was that fifth year had been all about her reacting in the moment. Sev said something awful to her, and she reacted. It was perfectly justified, but personal wounds could heal with time, and she could find ways to write it off when she tried. _Oh, he’d been so humiliated,_ and _her seeing him was the worst part of all. He’d just said what he did to get her to back off,_ and _he’d regretted it ever since_. Those kinds of thoughts could make her begin doubting her decision, could bring her back to him just like he said.

What she’d discovered today, something that maybe she’d always known but had never fully internalized – or maybe it was the opposite, something that was hidden within the very depths of her that had just needed to be excavated and brought to the surface – was that his intentions didn’t matter. A normal friendship didn’t involve one friend having to bargain with the other to not hang out with terrorists. All of the self-respect she’d gained today, the stores that guaranteed she’d never feel humiliated by Nott again, all of it would seep away if she conceded now. Even if she lost everyone, she would always have herself, and surely that was worth more than the dregs of friendship Sev was willing to offer.

“It’s different,” Lily said quietly.

Because it wasn’t just about her either. In a world in which the death eaters didn’t hate muggleborns, they instead hated people who wore glasses or girls with blonde hair, Lily’s feelings wouldn’t change. Unlike last time, this wasn’t about her, not really. She wasn’t upset because Sev had hurt her feelings. He hadn’t done anything particularly nasty to her of late. No, all of this was on behalf of others. People like Marlene and Erik and Henry Higgles who would have a war on their hands when they left Hogwarts that they neither asked for nor deserved. And if Sev wasn’t doing everything he could to support these wonderful people, then he didn’t understand the most important lessons about life and love and compassion. And she didn’t need any piece of that in her life.

Sev didn’t say anything.

“So that’s your choice then? You’re picking them?”

Her mouth was noticeably dry. The momentum of her conviction had taken her this far but now it slowed, and she was left oddly present in the moment. It didn’t take prophetic skill to see where their conversation was about to end. The room was perfectly silent like time had stilled so that they could take this one final moment as friends. In a flash of remembrance, every wonderful moment of friendship they’d shared rose to the forefront of her mind. So many hours of her life had been spent at Sev’s side, lying in the tall grasses of the park near her house and going cross-eyed over the Potions texts in the library. Sev was her childhood.

“I’m not picking anyone,” Sev said, like he couldn’t feel the weight of the moment that had overcome her. “You’re issuing a stupid ultimatum, and one you’ll come to regret. You’ll be back. Just wait.”

“No, I won’t,” Lily said, her words breaking the spell over the room. She was no longer paralyzed with the weight of an ending, and slid off the desk to take her leave.

And while she felt her heart breaking as she walked away, she could remember how much it had hurt in fifth year, and the pain this time didn’t even come close.

 

 “And then she told him that he was a filthy death eater and if he was going to behave like scum, he could roll in the filth.”

“Not exactly…”

“Well that’s what I heard.”

Lily wasn’t sure how to counter Marlene’s telling of events simply because she wasn’t sure how the whole school had come to hear about her confrontation with Nott in the first place. She would have sworn that there hadn’t been a crowd watching their every move, and yet if Lily were to believe the tales being told, nearly a fifth of the school had been gathered in a circle around her as she spit in Nott’s face. The way the story was being shared, Lily was turning into something of a folk hero. A legendary status she’d never sought was now bestowed upon her, and she could count on being remembered in the school long after her final day at Hogwarts had passed.

And she was positively glowing from it all.

The three girls – Lily, Alice, and Marlene – were sitting in the common room, but their conversation was hardly private. A consequence of Lily’s new celebrity status was that everyone wanted to know the details of her life, so there was no shortage of little spies, clustered in nearby chairs or lurking just behind the sofa to try to catch a description of the event from Lily’s own mouth. One of the first-years who was most guilty of this listened with his mouth hanging completely open and a glazed look in his eye that Lily associated more with constipation than admiration.

“To be fair, it doesn’t exactly sound like something Lily would say,” Alice chimed in.

“Wait…why not?” Lily demanded.

Alice shared a look with Marlene like she couldn’t believe Lily was protesting now. “Well…you’ve never spit on someone before, so the evidence would suggest it’s at least a little out of character.”

“Come on,” Lily urged. Behind that joke, Lily sensed there was a real comment about the Lily-they-had-thought-they-knew and the Lily-she-had-proven-herself-to-be.

“Okay, you let him harass you for weeks without fighting back and then today you just lose it. Wonderfully, might I add, but still,” Alice said.

Lily allowed herself a secret smile. Even though she was seated nowhere near the coveted spot by the fire, she felt warm, like the flames were lapping at her knees. Quietly she said, “I didn’t lose it. I just learned something about myself, about the world, and once I did, it was the only choice.”

“Care to share?” Marlene drawled.

“It’s hard to explain…I think it was Shelia that did it for me. Thinking about her and why she’s been so awful these last two weeks helped me to realize that all of this was about fear. You know, Shelia’s only being such a bitch because she’s afraid. First off, she was afraid that she’d never find someone who would genuinely love her, so that’s why she didn’t want to leave Nott, and second off, she was afraid that I was somehow better than her in every way or something and that she’d never stack up, which made her lash out at me,” Lily said.

“Okay, so Shelia never belonged in Gryffindor and is a cowardly cow, so what?” Alice asked brusquely.

“Well, it made me think about what I was afraid of and also what Nott was afraid of and how all of that came together,” Lily said, struggling to piece together the complex thoughts that had driven her earlier that afternoon.

The world was a big, scary, unknowable place, and everyone was living in fear to some degree. Everything Nott did was driven by such fear, and it had been that revelation that changed everything. Muggleborns terrified him. Maybe it was that muggles and their culture represented the greatest unknown of all; muggleborns could enter the magical world and survive just fine, but in the reverse, a wizard entering the muggle world, would find themselves completely incompetent and lost. Maybe it was that for too long purebloods had relied on prejudices to keep them in power, and the prospect of playing without a born advantage filled him with terror. Lily wasn’t about to claim to understand all of it. What she had discovered, however, was that Nott was afraid, so he sought to subjugate and master the symbols of that terror.

His actions remained every bit as vile and cruel, but she would never look at him the same way again. A scared boy wouldn’t make her fearful.

On the same subject, Lily had begun to explore the sources of her own fear as well, and that had been the ultimate impetus for her action. The only reason she had remained silent for so long was fear, not of Nott exactly, but of his message. She’d worried about proving him right. She’d been terrified for what waited for her outside of school. She’d been terrified that if she gave so much as one person reason to despise her that it would justify all of Petunia’s disdain and Sev’s abandonment.

And she was fucking sick of being terrified of her own shadow.

When she’d spit in Nott’s face, it had been an announcement that his opinion of her no longer mattered. He could call her trash until he was blue in the face and to anyone he liked. In fact, she hoped he did. She wouldn’t allow anything he said about her to others to affect her ever again because if those people were stupid enough to be swayed by his ugliness, then their opinion never had any value to begin with.

Explaining all of that would take more time than she had, however, so Lily settled on saying, “A few weeks ago I told these Hufflepuff third-years that it’s all about self-respect. I didn’t realize until today though that I didn’t respect myself, not really. I’m always too worried what other people are going to say or what they’re going to think, but I felt so good as I left the greenhouse. I mean, I’d just saved Susan and myself from Nott for the rest of the year, and I didn’t feel like anyone could take that from me. I was proud of myself for the first time, independent of what anyone else thought, and it all just kind of…clicked.”

“Well, maybe it doesn’t mean anything anymore, my opinion, but for what it’s worth, I’m proud of you,” Marlene said, beaming at her with two rows of shiny, white teeth.

“Thanks,” Lily said, knocking her shoulder against Marlene’s lightly.

They were supposed to be working on their homework, but Lily could hardly concentrate. One eye was always trained on the portrait hole, waiting for the moment when he would inevitably crawl through. James. Amidst her principle revelation about fear and how it related to herself and Nott, there had also been some introspection about James, and she figured she owed him an apology. Probably several.

Her life was like a fraying sweater, and today was the day to tie up some of those loose, hanging threads. Nothing had really changed regarding her situation with James. She wasn’t so warped with joy at the way things had gone with Nott that the facts – James had ended things and not the other way around – were lost on her, but that didn’t mean she could just walk away. Even if things were going to end on terms that felt not unlike a spoon was taking chunk after chunk out of her heart, she was going to make sure they ended neatly. They were both owed that.

So, when the portrait hole swung open, Lily was ready. Her head whipped around to see who was climbing in, but it was only Mary. Dejectedly, she turned back to her homework. If Mary had caught her expression, she probably would have been offended. It wasn’t exactly mannerly to look so miserable at the entrance of one of your best friends.

For the other girls, Mary’s entrance was met with genuine interest. She’d been scheduled to meet with Ames about potentially dropping DADA and they wanted to know what the final verdict would be.

Mary dropped into the seat beside Lily and announced, “Ames didn’t even show up. She rescheduled.”

“You’re kidding?” Marlene cried.

“I am a bit annoyed,” Mary agreed, sounding a far cry more composed than annoyed. “But she said I could meet with her later tonight, so I guess I’ll settle it all then.”

“I’ll miss you in class, but I’m glad you’ll be rid of her soon,” Marlene said heartily.

Alice made a weird huffing noise that drew all of their attention. In an unusual display of circumspection, Alice appeared to be arguing with herself over whether to voice an opinion. Lily had no idea just what that opinion was, but she was enormously proud of Alice all the same. If she held back only one percent of her opinions and indictments of the other girls, it would be a massive improvement. Lily would forever regret the weeks they’d spent separated, but she was beginning to think that some very real good had come of all of it. Alice had clearly taken the lesson about considering her friends’ feelings to heart.

In this case, however, Alice did ultimately break a minute later. “Idon’tthinkyoushoulddroptheclass.”

“What?”

More slowly and coherently, Alice repeated, “I don’t think you should drop the class. No matter what Ames has to say, it would be a mistake.”

“She crossed some very real lines with me,” Mary said, “I can’t just keep facing her like that never happened.”

“Yes, yes you can,” Alice said fiercely. “What you can’t afford to do is face the war outside without having studied up on Defense! Ames was a bitch. I’m not denying that! But this is going to seem petty to you once you’re in the real world!”

Lily couldn’t say she disagreed.

“I take what’s coming seriously,” Mary said gravely, “but I can’t learn anything from that woman. I just can’t.”

“Turning down any opportunity is just a bad idea right now,” Alice shrugged.

“Says the girl who hasn’t done her homework for the past week,” Marlene muttered.

Triumphantly, Alice flipped the parchment she’d been writing on over so that they could all see that it was filled with the outline of an essay rather than the meaningless scribbles she’d been doodling for the past week.  Crowing, she elaborated, “I’m going to catch up on everything I missed too. Most of the professors probably won’t accept it, but at least I’ll be caught up on the material.”

“O-kay…” Marlene said. “Where’s this coming from?”

“Well, they don’t take slouches with just a sixth-year understanding of magic into the auror program.”

“You’re still thinking about that?” Lily said. Unlike last time, she didn’t burst into a cold sweat at the very prospect, but the dread was still there.

“I’m not thinking about it,” Alice shook her head. “I’m doing it. I’ve thought about it as much as I need to, and I know that it’s the only choice for me. Most of the time when you make a decision, you have to wait to see how it turns out to know whether it was right or wrong, but this time…I just know. This is my path, and good things are going to come of it.”

Feeling ridiculously sappy, Lily reached across Marlene so that she could grab Alice’s hand on the opposite couch. “Will you make fun if I say that I’m terrified for you?”

“No, but I don’t want you to be worried about it. You have enough on your mind,” Alice said softly, (which was still pretty harsh by most standards, but Alice was measured in degrees and Lily had learned how to make them out).

The only way Lily was going to stop actively worrying about Alice was if she was obliviated of their entire friendship. Concern for each other’s well-being was just part of the deal. A deal sealed in tears, laughter, and sharing a pillow in bed. She’d live the rest of her life worrying about Alice, but then again, Lily was fairly certain that Alice thought the same of her. And she wouldn’t give up a single moment of their friendship to be free of that fear.

“Sounds like the only thing to it is to make sure you know as much magic as possible before you leave,” Lily announced, the confidence in her voice slowly translating to real confidence in her heart. “Neither of us have much going on Monday afternoons. What do you say we turn that into practice time?”

“Lily Evans, are you suggesting that we start an illicit dueling club?” Alice asked like it was the greatest scandal of the year. Considering Lily was strongly contemplating implementing an illicit betting ring at Hogwarts, Alice ought to have been less surprised.

“No,” Lily said strongly. “I’m suggesting that you and I meet up once a week to practice for our NEWTs. If sometimes our spells are aimed at each other…”

“I don’t want to waste your time, and you’re already so busy,” Alice said uncertainly.

Lily squeezed her hand. “And I don’t want you to fail your entrance program because you don’t know how to block a slicing hex. It’s not a waste of time. I’m doing it for you.”

“Besides, it’ll be good for us to brush up on some spells. It is a NEWT year. We probably should have had a practical study group from the start,” Marlene said cheerfully.

“Wait! You’re joining now, too?” Alice asked in disbelief.

Marlene arched an eyebrow. “Muggleborn here. It’d be stupid to miss out on a chance to practice some defensive spells. And besides, it’s not like we could let you go through all this alone. We’re a team.”

Delivered as merely a matter of fact, Marlene did not realize just how much her words affected Alice. For a moment, Lily worried there was a chance Alice might actually shed a tear as she was so touched by Marlene’s pronouncement. A pronouncement that was one hundred percent accurate. It didn’t matter if Lily still felt a spasm of terror about Alice becoming an auror, if that was what Alice wanted, Lily would be there to support her every step of the way.

“Okay, touching moment and all, but Lily your boobs are like in my mouth. Can you move?” Marlene snorted.

“Ignore them,” Lily ordered with a laugh.

She was leaning across Marlene to reach Alice in such a way that she supposed she had shoved the majority of her torso into Marlene’s face. Despite her retort, Lily leaned back so that she was sitting with her back against the couch, hand no longer gripping Alice’s, and body siloed away from Marlene’s.

“I don’t know how you get off telling people not to have intimate moments in front of you, McKinnon,” Alice commented brusquely, like she was trying to regain her bearings after their touching display and the best way she could think of doing it was to start in on the other girls. “You and Mary slobber all over each other every damn day.”

“We do not!” Marlene said.

Mary looked incredulous. “Um, yes, we do. In fact…” Mary reached across Lily this time so that she could pick a piece of fuzz out of Marlene’s hair. Her fingers combed through the strands to gently tug out the offending trash. Marlene had watched Mary’s approaching hand with something akin to wonder, but her eyes dipped closed immediately once Mary started touching her hair. She all but purred under the ministrations.

“That feels nice,” Marlene said softly.

Mary looked more than a little mesmerized.

…Okay…Lily had kept her mouth shut at her growing sense that something was building for a while now, and she would continue to keep her mouth shut. What she couldn’t do, however, was keep pretending what she was watching didn’t have a name. It did, and it had never been more obvious. When Lily met Alice’s eyes over the heads of their friends – startled and questioning – Lily knew that Alice had recognized it too.

Sexual tension.

And it wasn’t just coming from Mary. In fact, the bulk of the tension appeared to be driven by Marlene. Whatever Mary felt, she was accustomed to hiding it in favor of making sure that Marlene felt comfortable. Marlene, however, couldn’t be more blatant. Like, if Alice picked something out of Lily’s hair, she’d say thanks and move on. If James did it…well, she imagined she’d look something like Marlene: lips parted and serene.

The sense Lily had harbored for years that she was often peering into something private when she looked at Mary and Marlene interacting was taking on a new meaning. It had never been in her head. Their every touch was loaded with meaning for the both of them. It was rather like staring at a couple as they snogged, but all that passion had been distilled into a single brush of hands.

Poor Mary seemed to be the only one who didn’t see what was happening with Marlene, but that was probably just because she was too terrified to hope. It all must have been terribly confusing.

Trying to sort through the mess just like Lily, Alice asked leadingly, “So have you seen Bauman since the party?”

“Erin? No, I haven’t,” Mary answered distractedly.

“You should ask her out. She’s cute,” Alice said.

Her words had a bit of a galvanizing effect on Marlene, who turned to glare at Alice like she’d suggested Mary might be happier after cutting off her wand hand. The way she reacted was so blatantly jealous, in fact, that Lily started to question whether Marlene was really as clueless as she’d been a few days ago. Because Lily doubted that Marlene had the slightest idea why she was so bothered by the very existence of Erin Bauman last week, but now after the intimate kiss she’d shared with Mary during spin the bottle and the way she’d preened under Mary’s touch just now, Lily thought Marlene’s mind might have finally been opening to one important fact: All girls were not attracted to all other girls. And the fact that Marlene thought that was true, said a whole lot more about her than about sexuality as a whole.

“I’m not going to ask her out,” Mary said firmly.

“Why not? She likes girls. You like girls. A perfect match as far as I’m concerned,” Alice said.

Mary rolled her eyes. “You like boys. Pettigrew likes girls. A perfect match as far as I’m concerned.”

“What? Me and Peter? I’d crush him!” Alice said, horrified.

“Obviously,” Mary drawled. “My point was that both of us liking girls isn’t enough to build a relationship off of. I like her as a friend, and that’s how I see her. Honestly, it’s pretty nice having a friend who’s a lesbian, too. We can talk about stuff with perfect honesty. A relationship would just bog that up.”

Carefully, Lily inserted herself into the conversation. “You know, we just don’t want you to waste your last year at Hogwarts. I mean, you wasted all that time with Ian already. Moving on – I mean, er, finding someone for the first time, it could be a learning experience.”

Fortunately, Mary didn’t look on Lily’s advice as unforgivably invasive. Mary smiled at her reassuringly to let her know that she understand the motives behind her suggestion were pure. Lily was relieved because she felt like she was walking a very perilous line. Her loyalties were torn in several directions. She wanted nothing more than for Mary to find happiness, but she wasn’t sure whether Marlene could be that person, which meant that she had to root for Mary moving on from Marlene. _But_ Marlene would clearly be devastated by such a development, and there was nothing Lily wanted more than for Marlene to be happy. Adding onto all of this was Lily’s newfound friendship with Sirius – because that’s what it was, a real friendship as payment had already been made in the exchange of secrets – which meant that she couldn’t exactly advocate for Marlene dumping him to run off with Mary.

Lily was reminded of Sirius’s certainty that Marlene would be the one to leave him someday. She wondered if maybe he’d picked up on Marlene’s developing feelings for Mary as well.

“Thanks, Lily,” Mary said with genuine feeling, “but it’s like what Alice said. Sometimes you can just feel when you’re going down the right path, and I don’t feel that way about Erin. Someday it’ll be right, and I promise that then I’ll tell you all about her.”

Like a good, active listener, Lily tried to remain focused on how Mary’s words applied to Mary’s situation, but a sliver of consideration for how they fit her own life couldn’t help but slip in. She was sure this idea, that a person could immediately recognize a good relationship from a poor one, could apply to her and James. All she needed to do was sort out how. To start, Lily reasoned that James couldn’t possibly feel that way about her because he’d chucked her. Obviously, he’d felt rather confident that a relationship with her was the _wrong_ path, not the right one. And the same applied to her. She hadn’t been swept away like heroines were in novels, unable to do anything but yearn for her beloved. Rather, she’d remained contemplative and hesitant. All signs that she and James weren’t right for each other, and the both of them knew it.

…But James had pursued her so doggedly for years. Normal attraction would cause a person to ask a girl out once, maybe twice. Could she interpret James’ ability to bounce back from rejection over and over again as anything but confidence on his part that he and Lily were right for each other? Anything less, and he’d have just given up in favor of one of the many other beautiful girls in school. As for Lily, the part of her that was suspicious and easily frightened had remained constant, but she’d also activated parts of herself that were entirely new to her: romantic and physical passion, forgiveness, a swooping sense of anticipation for what the future might bring. And she knew that she wanted to continue feeling those things…wasn’t that confidence that she was following the right path?

With all the developments she’d made in the past day, why was she still struggling with something as fundamental as understanding herself?

 

Lily spent more than her fair share of time in the shower before bed. Sometimes the hot water would soothe her muscles, but other times, like today, the heat left her too drowsy to enjoy it, which was just what she wanted. Her eyelids kept sliding closed of their own accord and she could have happily sank to the tile and slept the night in the tub. After thirty minutes in which the beating water cast a spell on her, Lily had no doubt that she would fall straight to sleep, which had been her goal. No thoughts of James and his recriminations or the words that he might have said if she’d only let him would keep her awake tonight.

She was toweling off when Marlene came inside, shutting the door with a purposefulness that drew Lily’s attention. Like Lily, Marlene hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before and her eyes were rimmed red with exhaustion. Those same eyes were staring straight at Lily.

“I need to talk to you,” Marlene said.

“Oh no! I am too tired to handle one more serious conversation today. I’m all talked out. I’m done,” Lily said immediately. She could see exactly where this situation was headed, and she valued her sleep far too much to let Marlene drag her into an hour’s long chat. And it would be a long talk because no girl looked so intense about the latest issue of _Witch’s Weekly_. If Marlene wanted support, she could go to Mary.

“Please, Lily! Please!” Marlene pleaded. “You’re the only person I can talk to because I can’t mention it to Sirius, Shelia’s gone rogue, Alice still scares me, and Mary…just please, Lily!”

Alright, so Lily’s curiosity was piqued at the prospect of what could be on Marlene’s mind that no one else could know. That and her vanity was fluffed. Sleep still looked better but a spark of temptation had been introduced.

“What’s this all about?” Lily asked.

“Can you keep a secret? What am I saying? Of course, you can. You hide loads of stuff from us all the time. It’s me that can’t keep one. Well, I guess I don’t tell everyone everything, but something’s not really a secret if somebody knows, and Mary always knows. Normally, I don’t even have to tell her,” Marlene babbled.

“Okay,” Lily said, breaking up the syllables to emphasize just how not okay things were. Marlene had a point and she best get to it.

“Is there ever a good reason to break up with a person who you like and who things are going well with?” Marlene asked, the words running together in her rush to get them out.

“Is this about me and James?”

“No.”

At Marlene’s denial, Lily knew just how serious their conversation was going to be. Lily tucked the corner of her towel in more tightly, so there was no chance of a mishap, and perched on the edge of the tub. Marlene opted not to take a seat, pacing back and forth instead. Her nails were worn down to stubs from worrying them with her teeth, a habit Lily hadn’t seen Marlene indulge since third year.

“You need to give me more context, Marlene,” Lily said.

“Sure, context. Perfectly hypothetical context. Except we both know it’s not because only people trying to hide the obvious use hypothetical situations. So, shit, let’s just be straightforward and say it’s about me,” Marlene said.

“Take a deep breath. You’re freaking yourself out, which is freaking me out. Just talk to me,” Lily said, guiding Marlene to take a moment and regain some balance.

Marlene closed her eyes and took three deep gasps of air. Then, she said, “I really like Sirius as a person and as a boyfriend. I know he can be a bit…well, I understand why you don’t like him –”

“I like him,” Lily said, voicing the words that had only been true for a couple of hours.

As none of this was really about Lily or her opinions, Marlene took the correction in stride. “Basically, he’s a good boyfriend, and I have no real complaints. This thing between us is sweet and passionate and good.”

“But…?” Lily asked leadingly.

“No but. I want you to tell me whether you can picture a scenario where a sane person would break up with someone like that,” Marlene said.

Off the top of her head, Lily could think of several, but they were all the kind of imaginative scenarios that would have no bearing on Marlene. For example, if Sirius asked her to marry him and was moving too fast. (Unlikely.) If Sirius turned out to have a fetish for puffer fish, it would be grounds to end things. Or if the fate of the world rested on the decision.

Since none of those scenarios would help Marlene, Lily said, “Not really, I can’t think of anything.”

“What if…” Marlene chewed nervously on her lower lip. “What if you had an inkling that things would be even better with someone else?”

Years of experience as a liar were all that kept the understanding off Lily’s face. She didn’t need to hear more.

“How do you feel about all of it?” Lily asked.

Marlene didn’t react to the strangeness of Lily not asking who her mystery crush was, instead answering, “So confused. Sirius is great, but he doesn’t get me the way this other person does. But I’m not even sure what I feel for this person is romantic. I mean, they’ve always been right there in front of me. Doesn’t it seem suspicious that I’m only just now seeing them romantically at the same time I’ve started dating Sirius? Maybe I’m just sabotaging myself. Here, I have something good, and I’m talking about throwing it away on the chance for something better. God, I don’t even know if they like me!”

“I know it seems scary, but love isn’t the place to settle. Worst thing that happens is you have a lonely seventh year,” Lily said bolsteringly.

“No, worst thing that happens is they duel and someone gets hurt,” Marlene said because some part of her still thought she was living in one of her bodice-rippers.

“He’s not going to duel her,“ Lily was quick to reassure.

At Lily’s pronoun slip, Marlene raised her eyes to meet Lily’s. They looked at each other constantly – while passing the potatoes or sharing a story – but it was so rare to make direct eye contact like this, the kind where neither felt they could turn away. Lily could make out the barest hint of green, more of a suggestion of color, in Marlene’s dark brown eyes. There was challenge there at Lily’s audacity in acknowledging what Marlene wouldn’t, but Lily could also see a vibration of excitement coursing through her friend.

“She? Just who do you think I’m talking about? “Marlene scoffed, an affect of ignorance that Lily didn’t believe for a second.

“Oh come on, Marlene. We both know who.”

“Apparently you don’t because I’m talking about Peter!”

One word and Lily swore her entire world reoriented itself. What the fuck? Peter? Lily had not been living in a reality where Marlene had come to fancy Peter. All of the signs had so clearly pointed to Marlene questioning her sexuality and coming to view Mary in a new light. Lily didn’t think she could have misinterpreted everything so wildly.

While Lily stared at the floor and had a mini breakdown, Marlene picked up a toothbrush from the sink. She sent it thwacking down on Lily’s head a second later.

“Of course, it’s not _Peter_! Are you stupid? I can’t believe you fell for that. I’m clearly talking about Mary!”

And the world rerighted itself once again.

“Okay, wow, yeah…makes sense,” Lily said, getting her head back on straight. “Wait a second, I can’t believe you just admitted that you fancy Mary!”

Marlene hushed her urgently, casting about like Mary or Sirius might come springing out from behind the shower curtain to accuse her. “I said no such thing! I said…that I have lately wondered about how I would feel if I was dating Mary as opposed to Sirius.”

“You love her! You want to kiss her! You want to marry her!” Lily couldn’t help but sing.

“I don’t know what you’re so happy about,” Marlene snarled, like having feelings for Mary was the worst thing in the world. “This is a disaster!”

When it came to calming a friend, each one required a different touch. Alice needed you to treat her like she was weak until she became so enraged that she decided to power through it on her own. Shelia preferred to be doused with compliments. With James, he just needed someone to gently walk him through the logic of the issue at hand. Unfortunately, Lily had no experience with how to advise Marlene on a serious issue as that responsibility had always been given to Mary, who would offer a few brief words and help Marlene decide how to proceed. Lily didn’t know where to start, so she decided to work with what she knew.

“If you had a crush on say…Alice instead, what would Mary tell you?” Lily asked.

“Alice?”

“Just play along,” Lily urged. “Would she tell you that you’re beautiful? That you don’t need anyone to make you happy? Would she encourage you to go for it? Just give me something to work with.”

Frowning contemplatively, Marlene said, “What you did before, when you told me the worst thing that could happen, that was good. Kind of a reality check or a pro/con thing.”

It made perfect sense that Mary, always collected and reasonable, would provide rational advice. While Lily didn’t boast quite the same level of logical objectivity that Mary did, she was on the clever side herself. She could fill Mary’s shoes if only for one night.

“Alright, well it sounds to me like the first question we need to resolve is whether you fancy Mary in the first place. You say you don’t know whether what you feel right now is a legitimate fancying or a product of your imagination, so let me ask you this. How did you know that you fancied Sirius?”

“Well, that’s different,” Marlene protested. “Sirius is a boy. I _know_ when I like a boy.”

“How?”

As if Lily’s question was somehow the last straw, Marlene dropped to the ground, like she couldn’t be expected to answer such a ridiculous question while standing. She looked like a mouse with her red eyes and nose, swaddled in her massive pajamas. Lily envied her as the air was starting to cool and she was still exposed in her little towel. She would take Marlene’s romantic woes and warm clothes over her own breakup and partial nudity. Some people just had everything.

“I knew I liked Sirius because, well…because I thought he was clever, and we always had such good talks. I genuinely cared about whatever he wanted to share about his life, and I would get all warm when he complimented me like a bottle of champagne was erupting in my stomach. Plus, I thought he was really fit. The air of mystery didn’t hurt either.”

No surprises there. Marlene’s criteria for liking someone were the classics: fit, interesting, interested, and mysterious. Maybe Lily ought to have asked questions and given Marlene an opportunity to figure things out for herself, but that kind of passivity just wasn’t in Lily’s nature.

Sensibly, Lily began to compare Mary alongside these criteria. “You definitely think Mary is clever. Even more so than Sirius. And you can’t tell me that you don’t enjoy your talks with her. You two adore talking to each other, and you’re always interested in hearing more about her life. I don’t know how your stomach feels when Mary compliments you, but you certainly always start to glow whenever she does. You always have. That leaves, fit and mysterious. You definitely think Mary’s fit because you lost your mind over her fitness ranking earlier in the month, remember? You though she was one of the prettiest girls in school. I suppose she’s not much of a mystery to you, but then again, you wouldn’t want her to be. You didn’t like finding out she had a secret all this time.”

“Yeah, but all of that could describe how I feel about you as well,” Marlene argued.

“Who do you think’s prettier: me or Mary?” Lily asked.

“Mary but –”

“No buts! Of course, you can find a girl pretty and not have it mean anything,” Lily said. “But I think you’ve always kind of had two categories of pretty. One for girls like me and Shelia and others for girls like Mary and Celia Vance. If you tell me that’s just personal taste, I’ll believe you, but I kind of suspect it’s something more.”

“It could be something more,” Marlene grumbled, the picture of reluctance.

Lily tried and failed to suppress a proud smile. She was like a mother bird, tapping her youngest with her wing in the hope that she’d take the dive out of the nest on her own but more than willing to give a heartier push if the need arose. Lily would force feed Marlene the answers if she had to, but she felt enormously proud to see Marlene reach that point herself.

“If we can both agree that you fancy Mary – and I believe you do – then, there’s really only one question that matters. Do you think it would be worse to stay with Sirius and long for Mary or to be alone entirely because it didn’t work out with her?” Lily asked.

“The second. Definitely the second,” Marlene said immediately.

“Why?”

“I don’t…I can’t just not have Mary in my life anymore. That would be…I can’t even talk about it,” Marlene said.

“Breaking up doesn’t mean you never talk to the person again,” Lily said softly, perfectly aware that this was one of those cases where life was intervening to make her aware of her own mistakes. “If it didn’t work out, say Mary didn’t like you at all or you got together for a month and then it ended, so what? You’ll still be best friends when it’s all over.”

“Mary cares so much about me,” Marlene whispered. “How could I put her in that kind of position? She’d feel so guilty about not liking me back. She would never be so selfish with me.”

Often, people had commented on the strangeness of Marlene and Mary’s intense friendship. They didn’t understand how two such fundamentally different people could connect on anything more than a surface level. After all, Marlene was flighty and ridiculous and fun, while Mary was supposed to be understated, composed and boring. Here, though, was the perfect example of how their very different perspectives converged when it came to the truly important stuff. Both of them had the same deep-rooted consideration for other people, the inner voice that urged them to wait and weigh before taking action, the same ultimate priorities.

Knowing that she was betraying Mary’s trust as she spoke but figuring the situation demanded it, Lily said, “You know, Mary once told me a very similar thing.”

Marlene’s head snapped up and her eyes were wild as she demanded, “What does that mean?”

“I can’t really say,” Lily said in a tone that said plenty, “You two just remind me of each other.”

Marlene didn’t say anything after that and neither did Lily. With everything laid out so clearly, it would fall on Marlene to figure the rest out for herself. Lily had no doubt that her friend could manage. After all, Marlene had already known all the answers when she came bursting into the loo.

All this time, the shower had continued to drip, the only sound in the room. It lasted so long that Lily reached back to check that the shower was actually turned off completely and, in doing so, broke the spell over the room. Marlene wiped hurriedly at her eyes, sweeping away any evidence that she might have grown teary as she thought over her feelings.

Standing up, Marlene took a moment to lean down and kiss Lily, just the barest brush of her lips against Lily’s cheek.

“Do you want to talk about you at all?” Marlene asked quietly.

“Not really,” Lily admitted.

“Alright…just I want you to know that I think you’re extraordinary. What you did today with Nott and then with Snape, it was really brave. We don’t talk much about this stuff, but I want you to know that you inspire me. Truly,” Marlene confessed.

“You shouldn’t,” Lily protested.

“Standing up to Nott was great, but it’s what you did with Snape that really impressed me,” Marlene said. “I know you can get down on yourself, but never start to think that you’re a cowardly lion. You’re the most courageous person I know.”

What Lily didn’t tell Marlene was that she’d been anything but brave when it came to her love life for the last two days. But if Marlene could admit that she fancied Mary, maybe Lily could face her fears too.

 

It was with intent to speak to James that Lily returned to the common room. Parked near the portrait hole with a book in hand more as an alibi than for actual reading, Lily waited. She was still exhausted but certain conversations couldn’t be put off forever, and her sleep would be all the better for facing her fears.

Despite her vigilance, Lily allowed herself to be distracted by a third year, eager to hear about her confrontation with Nott. She almost missed the figures darting up the boys’ stairs. She caught sight of the back of Peter’s head, watched his body navigate the steps spryly until he was out of sight. It was entirely possible that Peter had returned to the Tower alone, of course, as he was not surgically attached to his friends at the hip, but if there was one thing she’d learned about the Marauders over time it was that they moved in a pack. Or rather, a band. A gaggle of geese, a herd of sheep, and a band of Marauders.

Lily excused herself from her housemate and followed Peter upstairs. Outside their door, Lily took a breath just to make sure that she was in the right mind-space to do what was needed. She felt fragile, but that was good because vulnerability led to honesty. So long as she could prevent all of her natural defense mechanisms from slotting into place, she could accomplish what she needed.

She knocked. Her assessment of the Marauders was dead on because when the door swung open, she could see that all of them excepting Sirius were there. A wave of anxiety rushed through her at the sight of the three of them, all looking at her with different expressions of expectation, but instead of trying to suppress it, she rode the wave. Reminded herself that human connection was rooted in this kind of naked vulnerability.

“I was hoping we could talk for a moment,” Lily said softly.

Lily’s intention hadn’t been to ambush James, nothing of the sort, but she feared she’d done exactly that when she saw his face. Their last interaction in DADA hadn’t ended on a positive note. Frankly, it couldn’t have ended worse, what with her telling him to leave her alone all together. But alongside his obvious nervousness, she could also spot a glimmer of hope in his eyes. Lily couldn’t allow herself to wonder what he was hoping for because the moment she did, she’d find herself down the rabbit hole of her own longing, and tonight wasn’t about that. Tonight was about James and fixing what she’d broken. When you tried to fix something and it came from a place of selfishness – say, hoping that your ex-boyfriend will take you back – all you do is create new problems. With that in mind, Lily gave James a reassuring, if tight-lipped, smile.

James nodded swiftly and stood up to join her in the hall. She’d have preferred the opposite, of course, with Peter and Remus in the hall so that she could stay with James in bedroom, but maybe it was for the best as the bedroom had bad memories. Ones that she didn’t want to revisit now; memories that had no place in their new start together.

Since James was looking at her rather expectantly, Lily figured she could start. With a deep swallow she said, “I hope that you can just listen for a few minutes. I’m sure you have things you want to say to me or maybe not…I don’t really know, but I have things I need to discuss with you, or rather, that I need to get off my chest, and I really need…need you to just listen.”

James nodded again, that same stiff bob from the neck. It was an awkward movement, but she could understand that everything about this was awkward.

“I owe you an apology. Several apologies for several things, but I’m going to roll it all into one if that’s alright,” Lily said. “You were wonderful to me from the very beginning, and I couldn’t have asked for more. And I never gave you the credit that you deserved for it. I held the past against you even as I said that everything was forgiven and forgotten, but it clearly wasn’t, and I deeply apologize for that because I think you’re a wonderful person. Wonderful to me. I can’t say that I’m happy with how you chose to approach the Nott situation, and I stand by what I said about how it was my battle to fight, but I’ve done some thinking, and I realize that’s not how relationships work. People don’t have separate battles once they’re together. Instead they work together, in the same way that me and the girls are a team. That’s what we should have been. It was wrong of me, and you’re a fantastic person, and I’m just so sorry.”

Probably she ought to have just ended her explanations there because apologies were meant to be delivered without justifications. A person should never say _sorry but_ …More than anything, however, Lily wanted James to understand her, the way she thought and how that influenced her actions, not out of any hope that it would absolve her of her responsibility in the mess she’d made of their relationship, but because she liked to imagine a world in which someone understood her fully. She especially liked to imagine a world in which that person was James.

Lily drew a line back-and-forth with the sole of her shoe. As a rule, Lily didn’t like to acknowledge the deeper-seated issues that informed her actions because the pretty lie was so much more comforting than staring at her soul, bare and yearning.

“I know that this isn’t an excuse, but I struggle to let people in because I’m scared that once they are that they’ll have all this control over me. I’ve always been a control freak. This might be hard to believe, but I’m actually considered the laid-back one in the family, so I was kind of raised to be like this. Then it just got worse and worse. First with my sister deciding that she hated me and then everything that happened with me and Severus…You know, I look around at people like you and no one ever leaves you, and yet everyone always leaves me, and I guess you get to the point where you have to start thinking that maybe you’re the problem. I mean, what’s the likelihood that everyone around me is the issue, you know? So it became harder and harder for me to let go of anything because maybe if I’m in control, I can fix the problem and maybe I can guarantee that no one will ever leave me again. If I’d been better – perfect like Petunia wants, and just more for Sev – maybe they would have stayed,” Lily confessed.

James gave her a queer smile. “I’m trying to picture you as the laid-back one in any situation.”

Lily allowed herself a smile in return, but she didn’t find it particularly funny. The universe was all about balance, but her equilibrium when it came to control had swung wildly off-base: to her sister she was too loose and to James she was too rigid.

“Anyway…” Lily cleared her throat. “It obviously didn’t work because like you said, all I did was give people new reasons to leave me.”

“I didn’t mean that –”

Lily had to cut James off because she knew that he’d lie to comfort her as sure as she knew her own middle name. There was a dichotomy within James, she was realizing. One in which he was split between the part of himself that was giving and generous and genuinely untroubled by mistreatment by his loved ones, and the other side that had the nerve to want just a little bit more from the people around him. Sure, the first side probably regretted how he’d spoken to her, but the first side had never been the source of their arguing in the first place. The second side, the one that he usually let idle dormant in his soul, had a very real problem with her behavior, and he’d told her just that. Those feelings were every bit as true as the ones that were currently urging him to apologize to her in turn.

So, Lily hurriedly continued, “And I’m sorry most of all because, despite how I grew up and everything going on with me, you deserved my trust. No, you earned it. The awful thing is that I’ve trusted you all along, but made you doubt it, made you doubt yourself. But you have earned it, and when it comes to the big things, I think I’ll trust you for the rest of my life. No matter what happens. I’m so sorry that I ever made you doubt for a second that you were a good person…and I know I need to work on myself to get better, and I will.”

James looked at her like she might shatter into a million pieces at the slightest provocation. He didn’t let that stop himself from opening his mouth to speak again.

“Don’t,” Lily whispered quickly. She didn’t know what he had to say because his look had it right. Whatever he said just then would break her. “I don’t want you to apologize just because I did.”

With absolute certainty, she knew that was what he intended to tell her. A promise that everything was fine and that he had never blamed her for a second. Pretty but false words. That second part of him had been quivering with rage only yesterday, and there was no way that part of himself had been appeased in full. Even more importantly, she hadn’t apologized to elicit the same in return.

Someday she’d listen to what he had to say because, despite all her guilt, she wasn’t so overcome that she couldn’t recognize that James had made his own mistakes as well. The difference between them was that he’d may small mistakes, things that could be forgiven in a second as opposed to the fundamental personality flaws that had led her to ruin. Besides, his guilt didn’t equal absolution for her.

Knowing James wouldn’t be content with just that, Lily added, “I don’t want you to say anything now because you deserved an apology and you shouldn’t have to pay for it…and I hope that someday…but I don’t want you to…”

Maybe she was being a little bit masochistic. Maybe she wanted to revel in the feelings of shame for a little bit longer. There was a release that came with self-flagellation, just about the only vice she’d ever allowed herself was the rush that came with reveling in her own self-loathing. Or maybe she was trying to protect herself, because nothing would hurt worse than if James told her to forget all about it. All about them.

“I’ll see you tomorrow in class,” Lily said.

James gave her possibly the weakest smile she’d ever seen, so weak that she could feel horrible pain bursting up from her throat. A pain that she had to swallow back because she knew it would manifest in cries of agony and there was no way James would let her leave if she started wailing.

“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Head held high, Lily turned and took her leave, not looking back to see whether he stood outside to watch her or immediately returned to his friends. The shame for how she’d destroyed something so good was still there, but she was also comforted by the knowledge that she’d taken her first step towards moving on from the entire episode. Like James, she was split into two selves: one that was devastated by endings but the other…the other knew that there’d be a tomorrow and another after that, and that part of her wasn’t quiet as it rejoiced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I feel like this was a chapter with good plot & characters and absolutely shit writing, so sorry about that. There were several sentences where I went ‘wtf’ and had to cut altogether when editing because they made no sense. I must have been sleep deprived or something when I wrote this.
> 
> Anyway, this is kind of a big chapter because it’s the last of Lily’s POV chapters :( My heart’s been weeping for weeks over the end of Lily’s POVs because I love her so much. That said, we have three chapters coming up from James’ perspective. Thanks for reading!


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a couple people let me know that they wouldn’t mind some sort of follow up to this story, basically one shots of major events in James/Lily’s lives. At first, I thought it wouldn’t be possible because I have my next story to consider but…I’m still in the planning stages of that story, and it’s slow in coming. I’ve found over the past month that not writing hasn’t been good for me. (I’m spending way too much time on unproductive activities, when previously I would have been writing this.) So, if people wanted to drop me a review with events that they’d like to see this iteration of James/Lily go through, I might write up a couple of them, just during the period where I’m still planning my next story.
> 
> Also, mature content ahead.

**October 31, 1977**

“And then you have to pick a hand,” Peter said eagerly.

“I don’t care.”

“Come on, you have to pick one,” Peter insisted.

“Fine. The left.”

Peter glanced cagily down at his hands. “Um…not the left.”

“Okay, the right,” James said rolling his eyes so hard that his eyeballs stung in the wake of it.

Triumphantly, Peter opened his hand so that James could see that James’ card – the four of spades – was crumpled up in his fist. It was a neat little muggle trick, or it would have been if James hadn’t spotted the way Peter had nicked down the corner of his card so that he could easily identify it after the shuffle. On a scale of one to ten, James would have to give Peter a four for performance. He told him as much.

Peter frowned down at the deck of cards. “Okay, I get it. You don’t want to play. What do you want to do, then?”

“I dunno,” James admitted, sucking in a poisonous breath of smoke from his cigarette. “Where’s Remus anyway?”

Remus’s classes ended later than James’ on Tuesdays, but he should have been released from Care of Magical Creatures an hour ago, and James couldn’t remember Remus saying anything about having plans after class. He ought to have returned to the boys’ dormitory by now, tossing his bag down on his bed and collapsing into a moaning heap about how tiring it was to chase after two dozen newborn nifflers. It had been his ritual for the last two months.

“Oh, maybe he’s hooking up with Dahlia again!” James said brightly.

Peter shifted his weight guiltily. “Actually…I think he’s spending time with Sirius.”

“What? That’s…what are we like some divorced couple, divvying up the kids for custody?” James said. “If that’s the case, why does Sirius get Moony?”

“Thanks,” Peter muttered bitterly.

“Sorry, Pete. Course, I’m happy to have you too,” James said perfunctorily.

In a perfect world, James would get both Remus and Peter in the divorce. Then, Sirius would be so lonely that he had no choice but to come crawling back with an apology on his lips. In this less than perfect world where he had to choose, however…James would take Remus. He wasn’t trying to be mean, but he swore Peter had become seven times as whiney since his accident and his release from the Hospital Wing hadn’t done much to improve his disposition.

“Maybe Remus is just trying to convince Sirius to get over everything,” Peter supplied hopefully.

“Maybe Remus is just a spotty traitor,” James grumbled.

Peter warily stood up, like he thought James might attack at the slightest provocation, and motioned towards their cloaks. “I think you should go flying. That’ll…well, it would be a good idea.”

“I don’t want to fly,” James said.

“I just think it would help calm you down,” Peter said quickly, like he was hoping that by speaking the words quickly it would minimize their damage.

“ _Calm down_?”

“It’s just…ever since you spoke to Lily last night, you’ve been a little…mean,” Peter said.

James took another angry drag on his cig. Of course he’d been wound up since his conversation with Lily last night! Any normal person would be. First she tells him to leave her alone. Then, she shows up at his door and says a bunch of beautiful words – the kind of things a bloke might dream of hearing – and then she refuses to let him apologize in turn! No normal girl acted like that! He’d already felt like an unequivocal arse after seeing how devastated she looked in DADA, but then she turned around and made the situation a thousand times worse by apologizing. Now she was forgiven, and he was still the prick that had chucked her and yelled at her, walking around with zero absolution. It was abhorrent.

“If I’m that shit to be around, why don’t you just go join Sirius too?” James sneered.

With a shaky smile, Peter fanned the deck out before him once again. The signal was clear: pick a card. Peter wasn’t going anywhere.

Rationally, James could recognize that Peter was acting like a great friend, but it didn’t do much to lessen his angst. He was upset because he’d finally heard everything that he wanted from Lily – that she trusted him and thought a million wonderful things about him, all delivered within the context of her truly opening up – and she had delivered the entire thing like a goodbye. It wasn’t meant to end like that, more bitter than sweet, with the distance between them greater than ever. To make everything worse, the only person James wanted to talk to was avoiding him.

It occurred to James that he was sulking in his room, feeling sorry for himself. A sorry state for James Potter, man of action.

He leapt to his feet, startling Peter into falling off the bed. “Pete, where’s the map?”

“Um, in with Moony’s socks,” Peter said from his new position on the floor, pointing towards Remus’s trunk.

“Thanks, mate. For everything. I’m sorry I’m acting like such a prat,” James delivered distractedly as he rifled through the trunk.

A-ha. Map in hand, he was able to quickly spot out that Sirius was in the prefects’ baths with Remus. James didn’t bother to say goodbye as he rushed out the door to join them. He was acting like a child, the kind of person that he despised. If he was so unhappy with the state of his life, then he should take some action to change it. The situation with Lily would require thought, too tricky to dive into without a plan, but Sirius was Sirius! He didn’t need to waste a moment worrying about how to talk to his best friend. He’d go to the baths and dunk Sirius under the water until he agreed to move past their spat, and then everything would be fine again.

When he burst into the private baths, James saw that Sirius was bare-ass naked and playing with the dozen different taps, while Moony sat on the edge of the bath smoking a joint. The room smelled like a perfumery after an explosion, with dozens of different scents – lavender, sweet pea, the desert at dusk – all competing for preeminence. Beneath all of that, the smell of spliff went almost completely unrecognizable.

“Letting non-Prefects into the bathroom gets your privileges temporarily suspended,” James said, announcing himself to his friends. “Sorry, Moons, I don’t make the rules. You’ve got to go.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Remus said, unbothered.

“Out!” James ordered, he then nodded towards Sirius with raised eyebrows so that Remus would understand what James was trying to accomplish.

Remus took his sweet time slowly stretching to his feet, but he did leave eventually, spurred out of the room by James’ unyielding foot tapping. Thankfully, Sirius had chosen not to throw a strop over being in the same room as James, and really, that could have gone either way. He was too busy cleaning beneath his nails and swimming back and forth across the length of the tub.

When he’d first become Head Boy, James had been looking forward to his first glimpse of the prefects’ bath, but he’d been disappointed. It was a place designed to breed idleness. The bath was unjustifiably large, a pool more than a tub with so many taps that a person could spend hours doing nothing but experimenting, creating an end result of conflicting smells that suffocated anyone that drew near. The curtains had been drawn so that light poured through past the enchantment that blocked outside viewers from peeping in on people.

James was just beginning to wonder whether Sirius intended to ignore him into perpetuity when Sirius said, “Well, if we’re going to do this, then you better take off your clothes and get in.”

James gave a short and unamused laugh at the blatant consideration of power dynamics. Get him naked and vulnerable before the fight began. All the same, he reached for his shirt and pulled it over his head. Sirius payed him no mind throughout, and James realized how their conversation was going to go: Sirius playing hard to get until James convinced him to participate. A little peeved, but then again he’d been a little peeved all day if Peter was to be believed, James slid into the tub to join his best friend.

“Okay, can we talk now?” James asked.

“I don’t control what you do,” Sirius said. If he kept that attitude up, James was going to have to rub soap in his eyes.

James decided to just get started. “Look, I didn’t listen to you earlier this week, and I should have. If something I’m doing is bothering you, you have to just tell me, okay? Because I care about you and about us, our friendship, and you’ve just got to tell me.”

As close as they’d always been, James and Sirius still had never worked out how to have these heart-to-hearts without the excuse of alcohol to explain away their openness. Their moments of emotional bonding were usually characterized by sympathetic silences rather than talk of their feelings. Uncomfortable with the way he was being forced to be upfront for once, James popped one of the bubbles that was floating through the air. It was easier to focus on the translucent soap that had transformed the room into something of a fairyland of color than to focus on the weightiness of everything that they needed to convey to each other.

“Well, if you think you’re ready to listen,” Sirius said.

“I am.” James nodded.

He sat down on one of the low benches that lined the edges of the tubs, collecting bubbles around himself with studious attention. Not out of any modesty as Sirius had first seen his bollocks when they were both eleven, and they’d continued to live with each other for another six years, but rather out of a need for something to do with his hands.

Sirius began, “I just haven’t felt like you’re around lately, and it’s not Evans. I mean, it is, but it’s more that you’ve just been really focused on everything in your life and I feel like you just stopped caring about what’s going on with me.

James glanced up at Sirius and away from his bubbles for the first time and was surprised to see that Sirius was looking back. Not wading about the tub, not combing through his long hair, just looking back. Suddenly, James realized there was one real question he ought to have been asking all along.

“There’s something you feel like I haven’t been listening to. What is it? Just tell me,” James ordered.

There was a long pause before Sirius said, “I’ve just been thinking about how, yes, I left my family, but I’m not sure I ever really can. You know? They’re just always there no matter how far I go. There’s my mother saying: _Stand up taller. Don’t blink so much when someone’s talking to you. Be more of a Black._ And then there’s my brother, going to get himself fucking killed because he’s a little twat and because he won’t listen to me and because he has so much to prove just because he wants to show everyone that he’s not me. And I have to live with that, you know? I have to live with the fear that my brother’s going to die because he tried to be the perfect son to my mother and that maybe he wouldn’t be so worried about it if I weren’t such a fuck up in my mother’s eyes.”

“Fuck,” James breathed.

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded in agreement.

James didn’t really know what to say. He’d always known to some degree of course that Sirius held himself accountable for the ways that Regulus was royally screwing up his life, but James had hoped that some distance from his family would lessen that guilt. Getting away from the toxic family, which sought to destroy him – not the him as in his body but as in his soul, the very essence of Sirius that acted against everything that was Black – that could only be a good thing. Except...James had grown increasingly less certain over the last few weeks that Sirius leaving his family was strictly for the best, and James had begun to avoid confronting the reality of Sirius’s familial situation out of fear that his concerns would be proven accurate. He’d begun to ruminate over the idea that the real reason Sirius would never escape his family was because he didn’t want to, just as Regulus had insisted.

James didn’t say anything for a long minute because he knew that Sirius wasn’t looking for advice. He wasn’t expecting James to hear his problems and then develop a magical solution. For them, magic didn’t work like that. Unless you were willing to face a lengthy jail sentence in Azkaban, there was no magical way to force your little brother to grow up and start behaving like a person, nor was it the way to get your mother to accept your choices and your father to take notice for the first time. No magic was a limited force, a wonderful blessed thing to have in life, but at the end of the day it could only go so far before there was nothing to help you but human enterprise.

“What did Regulus say after the Slytherin party?” James asked.

“Nothing much,” Sirius admitted. “Just you know, a lot of drivel. He toed the line where I could maybe convince myself that I don’t know…” Sirius swallowed. “I think he wants to join him.”

Sirius didn’t need to specify who he meant when he said ‘him.’ James knew there was only one him in the world that could instill such fear.

“I just hate my family. You know, my mother, my father, fuck them. My cousins can all swallow lead for all I care, like…none of that matters with Regulus though. We grew up together. Nosy little prat when we were kids sure, but he’s my _brother_. He was the only person I could talk to or play with growing up. I just know he’s going to join him and get himself killed. Or worse.”

“Nothing worse than dying, Pads,” James said. But he knew it was a lie. There were a thousand things worse than dying. If Regulus joined Voldemort, he’d commit a hundred of those things within the month.

“I think the thing I feel guilty about,” Sirius said, “is that I’m not even trying to save them. Not really. If I really cared so much, I’d be down there eating breakfast with him every day, doing nothing but talking to him and trying to convince him to see the light. I’d be going home for Christmas with him, never letting him out of my sight for a second. He stills cares what I think to some degree. Less and less every day, but he still cares. And I’m just what? Not going to help him or try to change his mind because it’s too hard to think about my family. Fuck! What kind of awful brother am I?”

“You’re not that bad.”

“How do you know? You don’t have any siblings,” Sirius said.

“Yeah I do…”

Sirius gave a jerky shake of his head, but James could tell he had understood the point. Sirius was the best brother that James could have ever asked for. Honestly, he ought to hug his mum and thank her for never having any additional children because even though he had longed for it as a child, the universe gave him something so much better than genetics ever could.

“Have you talked about it since?” James asked.

“That’s what’s so fucked up. We haven’t. And I’m not sure we ever will,” Sirius said.

The situation was wrought with competing loyalties. On the one hand, Sirius owed something to justice and ought to do everything in his power to rob Voldemort of one more soldier. In the name of that, Sirius ought to grab Regulus by the shoulders and shake him until some sense entered his susceptible, little brain. On the other, there was the love he bore for his brother, which urged him to do so in a way that wouldn’t alienate him forever. With the two sides in conflict, James could understand why Sirius had become too paralyzed to take any action at all.

“This is what you almost told me, in the Astronomy Tower after the Transfiguration exam?” James said.

Sirius nodded shortly. James’ adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed heavily. Knowing something was clearly wrong, he’d pressed Sirius for answers and after they were interrupted, he’d just…forgotten. Never bothered to follow up and see what was upsetting his mate so much. Forgotten all about it in favor of focusing on Lily.

“Do you want to talk about your mum, too?” James asked.

Sirius scoffed. “I could write ten volumes about that woman and still not come close to the core of every fucked up thing she did to me.”

“Still,” James offered.

“What was in the letter?” Sirius asked finally.

It took a lot of bravery on Sirius’ part to ask the question. While James still didn’t think it was in Sirius’ best interest to know what his mother had to say to him, he could recognize that Sirius needed to know. Needed to know or admit that he was a coward. Maybe it was a good thing that Sirius was willing to fight back again. After he’d left home, James had taken on the role of protector, a new facet of their relationship that hadn’t existed previously. But maybe he no longer needed James to hold his hand and protect him from the universe and everything in it. That should’ve been the goal from the start. Not making Sirius feel safe in the moment, but making Sirius feel safe forever by empowering him with a sense of self that he could handle everything on his own. Like how a mother bird doesn’t keep a baby in the nest forever but encourages it to fly. James filed that metaphor away for future use so that he could tell Sirius as he thought Sirius would get a kick out of it right before he kicked James’ arse.

“The letter,” James said solemnly, “was about how Walburga wants you to come home for the holidays, and it had a lot of, you know, manipulative stuff in it about how Regulus needs you, not like for the reasons you said obviously, but like how your mum misses you, I guess. It wasn’t genuine…but it was stuff about how she brought you into the world and you broke her heart and that kind of tosh…but yeah, she wanted you to come home.”

James felt a sense of dread, emerging from the bottom of his toes up to his heart and settling there. It became difficult to draw breath, each one clogged with the overwhelming scents of the bath. They were no longer sweet but sickening and artificial. It was the moment of truth. Sirius was no longer disowned. Not truly. He could go home if he wanted to, and there would be his brother and his parents waiting for him at the door.

“She wants me to come home?” Sirius asked, voice strangled, but then he shrugged. “Well, she’s always been a stupid bitch,” Sirius said, and then to James’ disbelief he actually chuckled.

“You think that’s funny?” James asked.

“I mean it is a little bit! When I told her I was leaving in the summer, she threw a goddamn candlestick at my head. I mean, I could’ve been killed! Brain cells removed! And the world deserves to benefit from some of the brilliance that comes from my mind.” Sirius, noticing that James was looking at him strangely, gave James a look of his own and said, “How did you think I was going to take it?”

James scratched at his knee. “I don’t know. A little more moodily.”

“I mean, that’s fair considering I was acting like a right twat a few weeks ago. I guess I just don’t care because I know everything she could possibly say about it. It’s not like she could shock me by coming up with a new insult late in life. I just hadn’t wanted to deal with it. So thanks for how you stepped in there. I know I said you haven’t been around lately, but you were for that, so thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” James said stiffly.

Sirius cocked his head to the side. “Okay, why are you still acting weird?”

James swallowed. “Just…Regulus spoke to me –”

“The time you shoved him against a wall or a different time?” Sirius asked, decidedly amused.

James laughed a little nervously. “That would’ve been Friday. The time I’m talking about was a few weeks ago.”

Idly, Sirius poured an array of bath salts into his open palm before rubbing the poorly prepped mixture into his skin. “Listen, I know that Regulus can be a little bitch when he wants to be, but please stop manhandling my baby brother. Puts me in a bad spot, because I like you more, Merlin knows that’s true, but if you keep manhandling him there’s a point where I’m going to have to kick your arse.”

“You think you could?” James challenged.

Sirius smiled. “I’m not against playing dirty. I’ll hex you when you sleep, so yeah I think I could.”

Remembering back to when Sirius had cold-clocked him while he was still sleeping, James had to confess that was probably the truth. The wily bastard.

“Anyway, I talked to Regulus because he wanted me to show you your mum’s letter. Basically…” James hesitated and then forced himself to confess to everything he’d been thinking lately. “Regulus said that I was holding you back from returning to your family. That you wanted to go home, but that you were worried what I would have to say about it. Essentially that I’m keeping you from doing what you want.”

Sirius drew closer and placed a comforting hand on James’ shoulder. “Mate, I promise you. You are not keeping me away from going home to my family.”

Closing his eyes in relief was a mistake because in that time Sirius ducked beneath the surface, took a deep mouthful of soapy water, and released it in a perfect arc directly into James’ face. Sirius roared with laughter even as James stuttered and cursed, trying to wipe the soap out of the corners of his eyes.

“I can’t believe that you thought I wanted to go back to Grimmauld Place. What kind of stupid are you?” Sirius demanded.

James responded with a desperate laugh. “It sounded reasonable when Regulus said it. He was right that I would try to stop you.”

“Well of course you would. I’m fantastic company! Why wouldn’t you want me to stay with you and your family forever? Can you imagine Mrs. Potter, sobbing and crying as I walk out the door, wondering how she’ll ever survive without me?” Sirius said.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” James said darkly.

“I would,” Sirius said happily, and then, “That’s why you’ve been so absent? Because you were worried about what I really wanted? Damn, you’re thick.”

“No, maybe on like a subconscious level that was some of it, but the rest of it was, I don’t know…You’ve been so good with Marlene. I’ve never seen you so hung up on a girl like that. You seemed so good, and meanwhile the others weren’t. Peter was in the hospital and Moony was so depressed. That just took all my attention. Plus there was my own stuff lately.”

“You never share that stuff with me anymore,” Sirius pointed out.

James sighed. “Yeah, I guess. You’re right. You’re right. We have a problem and I didn’t even realize it was happening because every time these moments came up Lily was the one who was there. Half the times it was a coincidence, but it just kept happening. She’s really good at solving problems, mate. Like, you have no idea. You’re great because I can tell you my problem and I know that you’ll listen and be on my side, but she actually fixes everything for me.”

“Women are pretty great like that,” Sirius agreed.

Compelled to share everything that had happened to him of late, the moments he’d forgotten to communicate to Sirius as he was caught up in his hectic life, James continued, “I caught all these first years bullying that kid Bernie, you know the one I’ve been helping get fit. Turns out he’s in Slytherin, and all these Gryffindor kids were just torturing them, and they thought it was cool because that’s what I would have done. Bernie’s a brat, but he’s a good kid. So there I am, the same night of the Slytherin party, and I got a little drunk. It just really hit me, all that guilt. But Lily talked me through it to realize I wasn’t the same person as before. Then on Friday, I found out that my parents actually bought me the Head Boy position.”

“Fuck,” Sirius breathed. “That’s like straight out of my parent’s playbook.”

“Yeah, I know. I was furious.”

“Kind of makes sense though,” Sirius said thoughtfully. “No offense, but you’re not exactly the picture of responsibility.”

James nodded. As angry as he’d been at the discovery, he’d made his peace with it. He could understand why Dumbledore hadn’t viewed him as a natural fit for the position. What mattered, just as Lily had taught him, was what he’d made of the opportunity presented to him. James filled Sirius in on the rest of that debacle: the conversation with his mum, what Dumbledore had told him, and ultimately, how Lily had talked him down.

When he was finished, James leaned back and asked, “So, we all good?”

It felt like everything was fine between them, but James had to be sure because Godric knew that Sirius Black knew how to hold a passive aggressive grudge with the best of them. He could pretend like everything was fine and then bring it all back six months later with a bunch of long-held instances in which he had been wronged.

“Yeah, we’re fine,” Sirius said. “I just wanted you to listen.”

“Then, you listen. If you ever need to talk to me, you’ve got to just do it because you never tried to tell me. I was distracted, so I didn’t force you to have the conversation, and I should’ve known that there was stuff you needed to talk about and made you tell me. But in the future, just tell me, Pads, and I promise that I’ll listen. If you need to body bind me and hang me up in the dungeon by the toes to get my attention, I don’t fucking care,” James ordered.

“Don’t go giving me ideas,” Sirius said.

James became aware that his fingers were pruning. His skin had begun to shrivel, which was an unpleasant feeling as he scratched his fingertips along the length of his forearm.

“Alright, get your sorry arse out of the tub before our bollocks shrivel off,” James announced.

Sirius obligingly followed him out of the tub and to the stack of fluffy towels that were kept on shelves lining the length of the bath.

As he dried off, James said, “On the subject of talking about things, I guess I should tell you about everything that’s been going on with me and Lily. That’s why I didn’t show up Sunday by the way. I was heading to meet you like we discussed, but she just kind of ambushed me and things got out of control. By the time I made my way to meet you, you were already gone. Anyway, she came to see me yesterday, and it was really shit.”

“I don’t really need you to tell me what’s going on with Lily,” Sirius said.

“Oh, I thought we were sharing,” James said.

“Sure we are. I just…alright, tell me what went on last night,” Sirius said. “Better fill me in on the gossip.”

Sirius levelled a coy look at James, and James went at him with his towel in retaliation. Dancing gracefully out of the way, Sirius missed the worst of the towel that whipped in his direction.

“Basically, she just came by and apologized for not having trusted me. All this stuff that I wanted to hear, but she didn’t let me speak. It’s driving me mad. It would be one thing if she apologized and then I apologized and that was the end of it, but it was so one-sided. Maybe she thought she was doing me a favor, but it’s eating me up inside,” James explained.

“Sounds to me like you should go and talk to her then,” Sirius suggested sensibly.

“Not sure what I’d say,” James said. “I’m not even sure what I want with her anymore?”

This time it was Sirius’s turn to whip him with the towel, and then he followed it up with an actual punch to James’ arm.

“Hey!’ James cried.

“Are you an idiot?” Sirius asked. “I don’t know why I’m even asking. We’ve already proven that you are.”

“I’ve never been so offended in my entire life!”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “What do you mean you don’t know what you want with Lily? Of course you do. You want to fuck her. You want to cuddle up in bed with her and talk about your damn dreams. You want to plan the day when you marry her and have her damn babies.”

“She’d be having my babies in any scenario,” James said quickly. “But I see what you’re saying.”

“Do you, mate? Because you’ve known what you wanted from Lily since you were thirteen years old. If anything, you’ve gotten stronger and stronger in that conviction. Should she trust you? Yeah! But she’s apologized for it, and she’s getting better. Why would you deny yourself what you want just because it’s not exactly as you wanted it? Let me put it this way, sometimes I want a sandwich. Some days I specifically want a nice bacon sandwich with a little avocado. If the elves are serving ham and cheese toasties for lunch, do I refuse to eat it because it’s not a bacon avocado?”

“That’s so childish,” James muttered. “You sound like my mum.”

“I’ll take it as long as I don’t sound like mine,” Sirius countered.

“Okay, so let’s say I want Lily, what’s the next step?”

“I think telling her would be a great start. Really inspired thinking,” Sirius said, smirking. “In the interest of full disclosure though, I feel like I need to tell you that I did talk to Lily.”

“You talked to Lily?” James repeated dumbly.

“Yeah, she ran into me while I was outside. Even got her to smoke a cig with me,” Sirius said, a smile stretching his lips at the memory.

“She did not!” James barked. In James’ personal opinion, he should be the only corrupting influence in Lily’s life.

“She took like three drags max, but she got to have her little rebel moment,” Sirius clarified. “We talked mostly about Marlene, but you came up as well.”

“Yeah, and what did she have to say?” James felt juvenile asking a friend what the girl he liked thought about him, but drastic times called for drastic measures, and he needed to know.

“She wanted to know what she’d done wrong. She felt sad, like she messed everything up,” Sirius said.

This wasn’t news to James. It had been obvious last night when Lily had come to visit him that she’d been wracked by guilt. He could understand why as she certainly had her fair share of guilt to bear when it came to their current problems, but he could recognize that she wasn’t the only one at fault.

“You know, if you had asked me what my biggest fear was going into a relationship with Lily, I would’ve told you I was terrified that she wasn’t going to live up to my expectations. I had this almost mythic idea of who she was in my head: beautiful and always perfect, prim and proper. Everything I wanted honestly. She’s never once disappointed though. In fact, she’s better. She’s every bit as sexy as I always imagined but she’s also soft, supportive, a bloody great woman. I never thought the real issue would be that I’d lose my mind worrying over whether I love her more than she loves me,” James said.

Thankfully, Sirius didn’t call him on his rather loaded use of the word ‘love.’ Instead, he just nodded solemnly and said, “Love’s a bitch.”

“Yeah. Shouldn’t be though. I feel like it should be easier than all of this, which is what I told her. Like, I look at my parents. They’re not having yelling matches. They don’t have to try so hard to be on the same page. They know what they want in life and they pursue it together. And that’s my template for what love is supposed to look like, so when what Lily and I have is completely different, I start to think, okay something is wrong here. We’re doing something wrong,” James said, articulating something he barely understood but had felt deeply from the very start.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Do I really need to tell you what’s wrong with that?”

“Yeah, maybe,” James said tensely.

“Alright,” Sirius said, “How about the fact that you’ve only known your parents from the time where they were already married for nearly a hundred years? You and Lily have been together less than a month. How do you know what your parents looked like when they’d only been together for that much time? And how do you know what you and Lily would be like if you gave it a few years? You’ll never find out the answers if you give up now.”

“I don’t want to give up,” James said.

“Then don’t,” Sirius advised.

“You know, I’m really lucky to have you as a mate,” James said. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. And Peter will be happy we made up. I was worried I was going to give him a nervous breakdown with all that talk of custody.”

Sirius nodded gravely. “I’d panic if I thought I was going to be stuck with you, too.”

Normally, that kind of cheeky comment from Sirius would be met with a punch from James. In the language of half-boys, half-men, such an exchange said something close to ‘I love you.’ Just then, James must have been more full man than boy, however, because all he did was smile.

 

The grand effects of Hogwarts began to diminish after several years of scholarship. The day would come where you no longer glanced up at the starry ceiling of the Great Hall with awe. Being startled by a ghost gliding through a wall in front of you was no longer worthy of comment; it didn’t warrant a frantic run to your closest friends to breathlessly explain how your heart had yet to recover from the surprise of it. You no longer marveled at the years that must have gone into growing Dumbledore’s formidable beard, or rather his formerly formidable beard. No, after time these wonders faded into the background, no more notice worthy than the silverware (which if anyone bothered to read _A Hogwarts a History_ they would realize was actually forged by the mermaids and gifted at the very inception of Hogwarts, but even that would hardly generate interest from the hardened student body).

Upon entering the Great Hall, however, James slowed to a complete stop, momentarily stunned. Everything had been transformed in preparation for the Halloween feast. The usually starry sky had been bewitched so that the stars were shaped like bats and there was a giant jack o’lantern in place of the moon. There was enough candy to give a dentist nightmares scattered across the tables and tumbling to the floor. Almost everyone was in some kind of costume. Up at the professors’ table, everyone was sporting a festive hat – Flitwick had opted for a jaunty top hat that slid out of place as he moved, Dumbledore wore a conical dunce cap, and McGonagall’s head was adorned by a pair of dog ears.

The prefects had outdone themselves, made all the more impressive by the fact that they’d done so with virtually no supervision. Both Lily and James had been too distracted of late to take the lead, so the responsibility had fallen on the shoulders of Adrian Jones. From across the hall, James gave the sixth year a salute, which Adrian, beaming, returned.

Hovering by his shoulder, Sirius bemoaned, “We should have worn costumes.”

James had to agree as they made their way to their seats. Their progress felt conspicuous as all eyes turned to assess their costumes and then fell in disappointment at the sight of dull robes. Costumes for Halloween were a muggle custom, so they had never fully adjusted to the practice even though they’d had some good fun in past years. James could remember making Shelia cry while dressed as a dementor in second year. With all of the drama of late, they’d just forgotten to bother.

James thought Peter might start crying when he spotted them – James and Sirius – walking over together with everything resolved. While he hid it better, James was equally relieved to have everything sorted between himself and Sirius. Materializing so suddenly that James would have thought she had apparated there if he didn’t know better, Marlene slid into place beside Sirius. Decked out like she was going to one of his mum’s fancy-dress parties, Marlene glittered as she moved. Sirius promptly urged her to stand up and give him a little twirl, which Marlene performed with relish. She was so pleased with her costume that she forgot to glare at James. (He wasn’t her favorite person at the moment.)

“What are you supposed to be, Marlene?” Remus asked politely.

Immediately, Marlene launched into an explanation of the muggle group, the Supremes. Her explanation faded into the background as Remus raised his eyebrows meaningfully at James from across the table. Years of silent communication allowed James to quickly interpret his question: _all fixed with Sirius_? James swiped casually at his nose and smiled. As Marlene obliviously prattled on about the feast, Remus leaned back, satisfied that all was right with his friends once more.

Dinner progressed as normal except for a ruckus shortly before dessert – candies from Honeydukes – was set to be served. Peeves zoomed into the Great Hall and began flying in frantic circles above the tables. Used to his antics, everyone tensed up in anticipation for wet and slimy projectiles to come oozing down upon their unprotected heads. Defensively, Remus cast a shield charm above his. To everyone’s surprise, the expected hijinks never came.

Instead, Peeves began to chatter to himself in an increasingly frantic tone about how good poltergeists didn’t ruin the Halloween feast and how they observed proper hygiene and always said thank you when someone held a door open for them (as if poltergeists even relied on doors). For the second time that evening, James was struck by a sense of surrealism, like maybe he didn’t understand Hogwarts quite as much as he liked to imagine. Knowing that there was more to discover, only made his heart ache at the prospect of leaving Hogwarts at the end of the year without the chance to learn everything about his school.

Peeves’ self-chastising monologue was patently hilarious, so James roared with laughter along with the rest of the Great Hall. It did get a little disturbing towards the end when Peeves began to bang his head off the wall in an act of self-flagellation, but James didn’t let it dampen his newly returned good spirits. Before Peeves could hurt himself further, Dumbledore had taken Peeves aside to – in an ironic turn of events – encourage him to go drum up some trouble in the dungeons, assuring him that good poltergeists terrorized everyone as a matter of course. It only took a few minutes of convincing before normality was restored, and Peeves streaked out of the Great Hall in pursuit of some new course of mischief.

Like he was under the Imperius curse, James found his eyes drawn across the Hall to where Lily was standing with Dorcas and Albert Albertson (a newly coupled Dorcas and Albert, if James was reading the bizarre signals correctly). Not that he really noticed her company because he only had eyes for her. She was stunning, a sexy and shimmering column of glitter. He watched as her throat tipped back as she laughed, and she was all sharp, exposed collarbones, the sleeves of her dress dipping low on her shoulders.

 _Beautiful_.

James had nearly forgotten what it was like to want Lily and not be able to act on it. Three days ago, if he’d seen her looking like that, he’d have dragged her out of the Great Hall and to the nearest secluded corner. Now he was condemned to watch and desire.

A finger tapped his chin, and James turned to see Marlene smirking at him. “You’re drooling,” she said unhelpfully.

She then beckoned Mary over, who sat down opposite James. His ill-concealed ogling of Lily was only interrupted long enough for him to nod at Mary before he resumed his watch.

The strap of Lily’s shoulder had slid lower, exposing a collection of freckles. One perfect coil of hair resting there like an accent.

“Did Ames actually show up for your meeting today?” Marlene asked.

That caught James’ attention and he – reluctantly – tore his gaze away and back to the group. “Oh yeah, how’d that go? Still dropping Defense?”

He left unsaid that he thought doing so would be a mistake. The kind of negligence that in wartime got people killed. Instead of voicing his opinion, James swallowed a mouthful of pumpkin juice, out of Remus’s goblet just to be contrary.

“Yeah, I met with Ames,” Mary said a little sheepishly. “We talked and well, I’ve decided not to drop the class. I can stick out the rest of the year.”

“Good for you,” James said at the same time that Marlene exclaimed, “Really? After everything she did to you?”

Mary scratched the back of her neck. “Ames definitely overstepped, but she meant well. It felt like she was singling me out for abuse or something, but now I realize that she could just tell that it was super tensed up from keeping so many secrets. She has this whole, I guess you’d call it an ideological orientation around the importance of honesty and how lies pervert the soul. So even though I still disagree with how she went about things, I can understand why it was so important to her. She wanted to help.”

“Sometimes you have no choice but to lie,” Remus pointed out tightly. “Ames’ worldview seems pretty childish.”

Unexpectedly, James found himself in general agreement with Ames. He tried to live honestly, rarely considering the sensitivities of others worthy of prompting a lie. That policy had served him fairly well as most people tended to flock to that kind of rare straightforwardness. The only secrets he’d ever found worth protecting were the ones he shared with his friends. He couldn’t be compelled to divulge the secrets that Sirius had told him, nor the pranks that he’d plotted with Peter, nor the reality of Moony’s furry little problem.

“Maybe,” Mary conceded to Remus’s strongly felt point about how some secrets were essential, “but I can’t regret how it turned out. Because of Ames everyone knows the truth about me, and I can’t say that it’s not worked out. I mean, I can go to Hogsmeade with my friends instead of going with Ian. No one asks me which Quidditch players I think are fit anymore. It’s nice.”

Marlene bit her lip. “Really? You don’t regret anything at all?”

“That I like girls isn’t _who_ I am. It’s just one thing about me, but um…keeping something like that from everyone I care about, it was a burden. There are enough problems in the world without inventing ones to worry about,” Mary said.

Not so subtly, Remus looked away. James could sympathize, but Mary’s words made him think as well. If Remus were to reveal his situation, he would face fear and vitriol from formerly friendly corners. People would use it as an excuse to intimidate him. Yet…keeping the secret took its toll as well. It bred distrust that everyone he met could be a future enemy. It made him self-contained and suspicious. Would living freely be any worse than what he already endured?

James wanted to ask Remus what his thoughts were on the matter, but he was conscious of how Remus had requested he back off on Sunday. Like it or not, how to respect that and not try to helpfully interfere would be the most difficult endeavor of their friendship on James’ part. Right or wrong, Remus was going to continue to bear the consequences of keeping his condition a secret, even if it meant driving away the people he cared about. All James could do was make sure that there were a few people left in the wake of the destruction.

“You’re really brave,” Marlene said softly. “I can’t imagine being that brave.”

Remembering back to his conversation with Mary from weeks prior – the one in which she’d questioned her courage and consequently her sorting – James thought he had some insight into the way Mary lit up at the compliment.

A smile splitting her face, Mary said, “It was so worth it, Marls. You have no idea how much it was worth it.”

For a moment, Marlene stared big-eyed at nothing. Sirius gave her hand a squeeze, which, under the circumstances, looked like a proprietary gesture. It succeeded in breaking Marlene out of her reverie. She began to rifle through her robes, producing a rolled up piece of parchment.

“I nearly forgot. I did some thinking after hearing your thoughts and talking to Erik Carmichael, and I decided to rewrite my article for the _Hogwarts Daily Mail_. I never meant to offend anyone, but I can see how I may have. Hopefully this is a little more in line with what the muggleborn situation looks like.”

Since James wasn’t about to crane to read, he waited patiently, unwrapping and devouring a pumpkin pastie, while Sirius and Remus scanned the article. When they finished, Sirius passed the article to James, the motion absent. Already, Sirius’s attention had turned to Marlene, accolades spilling from his lips.

James didn’t stop to listen to the particulars. The article was titled _Dual Loyalties and a Hogwarts Welcome_. Rather than fawning over the ‘right’ type of pureblood, the focus was on Marlene’s journey, literally. Told in seven parts, the article depicted Marlene’s train ride into Hogwarts from first through seventh year. Palpable in each passage was Marlene’s love for her family, her desperation to assimilate, her awe and then familiar affection towards Hogwarts. Unlike in the last article, these themes weren’t spelled out for the reader. Rather, James was left with an evocative picture of the conflicting emotions a muggleborn might face as they travelled to Hogwarts, feelings that James had never needed to entertain.

“That reporter from the _Daily Prophet_ told me that it’s better to show rather than tell,” Marlene informed them. “And then, Erik helped me realize that you can never rationalize with the pureblood faction. They’re not interested in logic. The best we can do is try and appeal to the empathy of the people who are sitting on the sidelines. When the death eaters try to dehumanize us, we need to respond with the clearest demonstrations of our humanity.”

Maybe it was patronizing, but James felt oddly proud of Marlene. Her growth as a person had nothing to do with him as the most he’d personally contributed was telling Marlene that she deserved a significant other who was as concerned with her wellbeing as she was with theirs. Still, he’d watched her improver over the last month, and in a more passive way, he’d witnessed her growth over the past seven years. It made him feel optimistic. While he would struggle to name so much as a single flaw in his personality, it gave him hope that he would grow to become a better person with time as well.

Life was about transformation after all.

All things didn’t necessarily change, however, because, like he was bewitched, he never could shake that stirring awareness of Lily Evans. If anything, his increased admiration of her as a person, coupled with the intimacy they’d shared, meant his lust for her had grown. While he didn’t know where they were headed, he certainly knew what he wanted from her as he watched the way she twirled her curled hair. And his desire for her was only heightened by the fact that he’d been set straight by Sirius and knew what he needed to do: apologize for being a git and win her back at any cost.

“It’s not fucking fair,” James breathed.

“What’s not?” Marlene asked.

James didn’t know how to answer. The honest answer would be: _It’s not fucking fair that Lily can wear a dress like that_. Following a gesture from Dorcas, Lily turned to look at the jack-o-lantern moon in the simulated sky. As her gaze lowered she caught James’ eye. There must have been something powerful in his expression because she became very still. Achingly slow, he watched as she drew her bottom lip into her mouth. Emerald eyes piercing as she studied him. He shifted as heat rose and centralized inside of him. Unthinkingly, he wet his own lips with a languid swipe of his tongue.

Their many issues didn’t appear to be on Lily’s mind as she looked at him then. In fact, driven by the same demanding hormones that had him in such a sorry state, Lily looked flushed and needy. What could either of them say? They may have been mature in some aspects, but they were still teenagers.

It was like they were engaged in a dance. Unspoken in their agreement. Every action by one elicited an equal response from the other. So when James licked his lips, Lily trailed her fingertips along her collarbone. It felt like the most lewd display in Hogwarts’ history, to the point that the banners ought to have caught fire form the flames that were travelling back and forth between them. Hypnotized by each other, they were unable to stop or show some discretion, which was why it was a good thing that they must have been more subtle than they realized as no one gasped at their blatant lewdness.

Unable to stand it any longer, James burst to his feet, ignoring the questioning looks of his friends, and headed for the door. He had no idea, as he turned the corner, whether Lily would follow. They had no kind of agreement, so there was no reason she’d come, outside of the overwhelming pull they both felt for each other.

When he was some distance from the Great Hall, James pivoted to look behind him, but his vision was obscured by Lily barreling down upon him. In what was likely the most impulsive move on Lily’s part in the history of their relationship, she flung her arms around his neck and kissed him squarely on the mouth. James stumbled at the unexpected collision, but once he’d regained his bearings, his arms came up to wind around her waist in return. For one cataclysmic minute – the kind of moment that could leave a person permanently altered – James did nothing but hold her, pouring everything he wanted to say and some things he didn’t, into the kiss.

When they parted (a move he deeply resented), Lily blinked up at him. “Hello, you.”

“Hi, yourself,” James whispered, gently tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “We need to talk.”

“We do,” Lily agreed. Her palms rested flat against the planes of his chest.

Mouth dry, James forced out, “But it’s really hard to talk to you when you’re wearing that dress.”

“Maybe you could help me out of it,” Lily said huskily. “Then, we talk.”

In all his life, James had never heard a better idea.

Maybe it was a mistake to put off their much-needed conversations and dive back into the physical, but it was hard to deny something that felt so right, and it was where they’d started after all. Everyone was busy with the feast – one of Hogwarts’ few events to break up the mundanity of the year – so they were safe from discovery in the Trophy Room, the place where they quickly stumbled. The room was barely lit by the one torch hanging off the wall, so they were painted in shadows.

For all the passion that had driven them there, James felt the moment pass as if time had slowed. He could stare at her face for hours without tiring, just rediscovering what he’d already long ago committed to memory. Blushing like she was completely new to such inspection, Lily glanced downwards. Long lashes brushed along the swell of her cheekbones. James cupped one cheek in his hand, palm resting against her jaw. At the gesture, Lily peered back up, and he was able to see those spectacular eyes once again. Green, glimmering, and placing her trust in his hands like he’d always dreamed.

Because this – her letting him near her after everything that had happened – was the ultimate display of trust. Without discussing where they stood first, Lily was still offering him this intimacy. She couldn’t possibly do so without faith that he wouldn’t misuse her, that all of the promises that she might desire to hear went without saying. Because she knew he would never do anything to hurt her.

Lily edged closer, so that her small body fit into his arms but her lips were just out of reach. Eyes closed, she appeared to be breathing him in. Her breath – peppermint and chocolate flavored from the candy she’d devoured – drifted hot and sweet against his neck. The anticipation built and heat rose through his stomach. His thoughts came staccato and with all the complexity of a barbarian: want, love, tits, need, hair, have. He crushed her lips to his.

They kissed and kissed and kissed. Sometimes they were sweet but searing kisses, their mouths closed and lips practically glued together. Other times they seemed intent on choking one another with the way their tongues delved, rhythmless and seeking. But other times…other times it was like art. They moved together with an almost practiced synchronization, titillating one another’s senses and building something that the artists could only strive to someday capture in their paintings and their writings.

During a particularly impassioned exchange of kisses, they went crashing back into one of the shelves. One of the trophies went hurtling to the ground, emitting a tinny sound that resounded throughout the room. Lily ignored the disruption in favor of trying to tear his robes off without breaking their kiss. She pouted adorably at her inevitable failure, but her face lit up again when, after James broke the kiss to assist her, she realized he wasn’t wearing much underneath – just an undershirt and boxers, both of which were quickly discarded.

While he worked on undressing, Lily sucked an unforgiving line down his neck. His hips bucked desperately, finding the barest hint of friction against her stomach though all of the sequins chafed a bit too. As stunning as she looked in that dress, it was time to see her out of it.

“Turn around,” he urged softly.

Lily complied. With the level of care usually reserved for someone using the rarest potions ingredients, James collected her hair to the side so that her long, sloping neck was bared to him. He nuzzled his nose into the dip in her neck where she must have dabbed her perfume as the scent rose headily and filled his mouth. It competed with the beat of her pulse for his attention, the pace of which increased steadily as he breathed against her skin.

James lowered the zipper centimeter by painstaking centimeter. Each bit of newly exposed, pale peach skin called to him. He stopped periodically to run his fingers lightly across the flawless flesh. When his fingertips grazed teasingly along the skin of her lower back, Lily shuddered gracelessly. She grappled blindly until her fingers found purchase on the shelf before her, giving her something solid to lean against. Finally, the dress dropped to the floor.

No bra. That was the first thing he noticed. Her dress must have been supportive enough to forgo one, so he was faced with nothing but the unblemished expanse of her back. He couldn’t see her tits, but the knowledge that they were there bare and within reach was intoxicating.

Even more appealing was how her pert arse filled her knickers. He ran his fingers along the edge, and Lily jumped at the cool touch. James kissed her neck, leaving wet imprints wherever he touched. When he snuck up to nip her ear, Lily whimpered. He wanted to hear more of those desperate sounds.

He wanted to taste her. Not because he found the juices between a woman’s legs traditionally appealing but because the associations when her wetness touched his tongue would be strong enough to bowl him over. One summer, when he was fourteen, Sirius had explained to him about a muggle scientist named Pavlov who’d been able to condition his dog to perform tricks upon the receipt of a specific stimulus. They’d spent a good two weeks trying to then train James’ owl to dive bomb anyone who wore the color purple – an unsuccessful experiment but a decent enough way to pass the time. He imagined his reaction to the taste of Lily was proof of Pavlov’s conclusions as the very scent of her drove his mind to euphoric places with the promise of pleasures yet to come.

Eagerly, Lily stepped out of her knickers and spun around to face him at his prompting. Her face was already bright red from the little bit he’d touched her thus far.

Using the thigh muscles he’d developed through years of training, James slowly lowered himself into a crouch. His tongue and teeth blitzed across her body as he slid down. James placed a particularly sharp nip against the jut of her hip bone and color bloomed across the skin, casting it in the same pink as her sweet, little pussy.

Unasked, Lily repositioned herself so that her legs were spaced further apart and the lips of her pussy peeked open. With thumb and forefinger, he spread her wider so that he could see the hood of her clit. He gave it a kiss in greeting, and Lily giggled. The laughter died in her throat when he licked from her opening back to the top of her pussy and gave her clit a firm little tug as the finish. He continued to worry her nub, an eye on the way her thighs flexed and relaxed rhythmically as he worked. By the time he pulled back her clit was distended and bright red like her hair.

James smirked up at Lily’s slack-jawed expression. She still had enough awareness to defiantly glare at his (well-deserved) arrogance and yanked his head back into place where she wanted it. Obligingly, he lapped at her entrance and let his fingers take the lead in rubbing firm circles into her clit. Very quickly after that he had her coming with a labored exhalation that James might have missed had he not been listening for it.

To call him disappointed would have been an understatement. He wanted her to cry out so harshly that her throat ached, for her head to loll back into the shelves, and her eyes to cross. Breathy little orgasms were the type that she could bring herself alone in her bedroom, which…was actually a very intriguing thought to follow.

Motivated to make her come again and harder, James returned to her clit, but Lily batted his head away. “Too sensitive,” she breathed. “Kiss me instead.”

James unsteadily rose back to his feet to do just that. She didn’t so much as wince when his tongue drove her own taste into her mouth. If his prick hadn’t already been up and ready, the way she sucked on his wet lips would have done it. Generous woman that she was, Lily took hold of his cock and pumped him slowly as they kissed, the pace guaranteed to keep him far from the edge but alleviate the worst of the ache.

James liked to imagine that he didn’t maul her next, but truthfully that was exactly what happened as his hands found her tits. One hand melded to a breast while the other tweaked a nipple to hardness. Lily must not have minded because rather than protest, she kissed him all the more fiercely and dug her nails into his bum in an effort to draw him closer.

Sneaking a hand between their bodies, James drove one, then two, fingers into her pussy. At the invasion, Lily went gasping and grappling for purchase against his shoulder. One of her calves wound around his hip and encouraged him closer, which James took as permission to begin moving his hand. He kept his thrusts gentle but his fingers moved deep and fast. As he delved deep and twisted, her entrance swelled with moisture that dripped down and wet his palm.

James tried to break their kiss several times to explore other areas of her tight body, but Lily aggressively followed his lips wherever he moved. He’d always loved this assertive side of her. There were men more than happy to please the meek and easily-led women of the world, but James would take a girl who knew how to articulate her desires any day. The way Lily bucked her hips in time with his fingers left no doubt as to which category she belonged. She was practically _riding_ his hand.

At a particularly well-aimed finger curl, Lily threw her head back and in-effect broke the kiss on her own. James didn’t miss the opportunity to move his kiss-swollen mouth down to her tits. Since he’d been borderline miserable for the last two days, he hadn’t taken the time to shave and built up a few days’ worth of scruff. Now it scraped across her breasts, leaving red trails like carpet burn wherever his cheeks touched. When he nuzzled across her nipples, Lily shuddered almost violently.

“You smell nice,” James muttered. They were the first words he’d spoken in half an hour and they scratched awkwardly through his throat.

“It’s my perfume…or my body lotion –” Lily’s breath hitched as he sucked a nipple into his mouth, “– or maybe my shampoo…well, what do you smell?” James didn’t answer in favor of coordinating each lap of his tongue with his vigorous fingers. Unexpectedly, Lily was actually caught up on the matter of which of her many scented products had appealed to him, and rather than dropping the subject, she said, “Let’s make a game of it. I’ll name different flavors, and if I’m right, you rub my clit.”

James drew back from her well-tended breasts to grin cheekily. “And if you’re wrong?”

“Surprise me,” Lily answered huskily.

Not one to say no to that kind of power, James reapplied his lips to her nipple. As she adapted to the sensation, the game was momentarily forgotten. Lily’s sensitivity had been a wondrous surprise, and he would never tire of the way he could make her keen with just his mouth on her tits. When he added his fingers, well…

“Okay, um,” Lily began breathlessly, “Do you smell coconut?”

Lily squealed as he bit down lightly on the nipple caught between his teeth. He gave a few soothing licks before transferring his attentions to the other breast, just lightly rubbing his cheek along the smooth skin.

“Wow…okay…wow…was it something floral? Gardenia?”

Again, James nipped her, this time along the underside of her breast. He followed it up with tight, sucking kisses that were sure to leave a mark. Lily’s fingers curled in his hair and kept his head firmly in place.

“Vanilla?” Lily tried again.

Picking through the complicated scents of Lily wasn’t simple, so James buried his nose in her neck and dragged it down into the heart of her cleavage. After a hearty whiff, he had to admit that there was some hint of vanilla there. He was certainly familiar enough with the scent to recognize it. In reward, he stretched his thumb up to her clit and rubbed generously. The noise that emitted from Lily’s throat could only be described as a purr.

James kissed her because he wanted to swallow that delicious noise.

Less than a minute later, Lily came again, and this time he had no complaints. The leg she’d propped against his hip collapsed to the floor, twitching. He couldn’t move his fingers at all as she clamped down around him. He compensated by thrusting his tongue into her mouth instead, free to explore as Lily was too busying moaning to match him. The thought that anyone passing by could hear her and discover the way he succeeded in pleasuring Lily was endlessly exciting.

“God…God that was – James – I’m,” Lily murmured incoherently into his neck. He hushed her and pressed a kiss to the side of her head, but she ignored him. “I’m really so sorry about everything. I hope you know that.”

“I know.”

“Everything we had was so good one second, and the next it was all screwed up,” Lily continued. She was borderline hysterical. Their unplanned intimacy and the force of her orgasm had left her off-balance, and James figured she was unable to hide her vulnerability as a result.

“Lily, I know, and we have a lot to talk about, but right now I’m a little distracted here,” James said, gesturing to where he was still hard and throbbing.

“Oh!” Lily exclaimed, but then her smile grew mischievous. “Since I have a lot of apologizing to do, why don’t you tell me how you’d like me to help?”

There was nothing James appreciated more than an open invitation.

Despite her question, Lily sank to her knees without any prompting. She maintained eye contact throughout her descent, and anything James might have said disappeared from his mind, a slate wiped clean. Unlike Lily, he didn’t have a shelf to lean on as his knees-buckled, and he had no idea how he was going to stay standing. Lily’s mouth on his cock was hot and wet, and she knew how to strike the perfect balance between tight suction and innovative play with her tongue. He wrapped his fingers through her hair, not leading her but happy to have some way to participate.

Like last time, Lily did that wonderful trick where she managed to swallow him down to the base and leave him gasping. She never left him deep in her throat for long, but the unpredictability only served to heighten all sensation. Whether she was sweetly kissing the head or lapping along the shaft, James was equally enraptured. Lily braced her hands against his thighs and began to bob – fast and shallow – along his cock.

He pet her hair encouragingly and said, “You know, you’re not the only one who ought to apologize.”

James waggled his eyebrows suggestively so that Lily would understand he meant a lewdly delivered apology. He maintained that a real apology could wait until after his prick relaxed.

“You already did,” Lily said, momentarily replacing her mouth with her hand. “ _Twice_.”

“Maybe I owe you three apologies,” James said.

Lily scoffed. “You couldn’t _give_ me three apologies.”

It was the wrong thing to say, or perhaps the right depending on how he looked at it. James gripped her by the shoulders and hauled her into a standing position again. Lily kept that challenging smirk on her lips – the one that said he couldn’t possibly have her screaming again – but he could also see the thrill in her eyes.

James maneuvered them to the narrow patch of bare wall between two shelves and ordered, “Hop up.”

Smiling, Lily obliged, allowing him to lift her up so her legs hooked around his waist and her back steadied against the wall. Her thigh muscles were strong enough that she could keep herself in place, but James helped by gripping her arse as well, as much for his own benefit as hers. Using his other hand, he guided his cock so that it rested between the lips of her pussy, the head nudging against her clit.

The possibilities of the position didn’t escape him. There he was, thrusting his dick through the folds of her pussy, and it would be the simplest matter in the world to slide a little lower and feel her all around him for the first time. He’d never do it of course, but he could lose himself in the fantasy of it. His cock was already wet from all the juices that had dripped out of her after two orgasms, but he knew she’d be even more soaked if he drilled into her. Tight and clenching and _fuck_.

Lily must have been enjoying their frantic rutting as well because her eyes squeezed shut in a pleasured grimace. James pressed kisses along the length of her neck, along the curves of her cheeks. Like she couldn’t get enough of the feel of him, Lily’s hands roamed the muscles of his back. He thrust forward in an achingly slow grind against her clit in retaliation for the way she scratched along his sides.

After all the abuse of the night, Lily’s clit was engorged and hyper-sensitive, which meant it wasn’t long before Lily started hissing into his ear. The way her thighs gripped his hips was sure to bruise. His ego would be just fine, however, as Lily was getting her third “apology” in spades.

His own didn’t take long to follow.

“Come on, James,” Lily urged, hot and needy. “I want you. I want you so much. Come on, baby.”

It wasn’t like James needed affirmation that Lily wanted him after all that had transpired, but it had a galvanizing effect all the same. All of the tell-tale signs that he wouldn’t last hit him at once: his balls grew heavy, his hips twitched, a bead of sweat slid down his neck. James pulled away quickly, forcing Lily to find her balance on her own two feet. He gave himself half a dozen quick jerks and then it was over.

For several long minutes, James did nothing but lean against the trophy case and catch his breath. The display was dedicated to the Head students of the past. Printed in clean font on a sturdy, golden plaque, James could read the names of the past chosen two who had been trusted to lead the Hogwarts student body, alongside the years of their appointment.

In many ways it was a silly retrospective. James had never given any thought to the Head students who had come before him. Never wondered whether there had ever been a Head Boy who matched him for number of detentions or two Heads who found themselves falling in love thanks to the proximity afforded by their positions. Other than Slughorn, no one would come to this room to read the names and reflect on the past. People had a tendency to view the present as absolute, the only period of any relevance. Still, here was a place where these names would be forever memorialized, kept safe in the unchanging halls of Hogwarts.

Someday he and Lily would be added. Written there, their contribution to Hogwarts would never fade.

“So…I guess we need to talk now,” Lily said. She’d half-shimmied back into her dress while he recovered.

James nodded solemnly.

“And now we talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I almost changed this entire chapter when I went back to edit because for half a second I thought the form of the reconciliation was inorganic but…on second thought, I stand by it, though I’m sure it may have come across as rushed to some (and you’re totally entitled to such an opinion). I think that neither of them were actually that angry, simply hurt, and they’ve both come to a place where they forgave each other in their days spent apart. Given that, I don’t think it’s that unreasonable.
> 
> Anyway, I hope it didn’t detract too much from the story for anyone and that everyone enjoyed. Drop a review with your thoughts (and suggestions for follow-up stories as I mentioned up top). Thanks!


	54. Oct 31: Part II

There was one window that illuminated the entire boys’ dormitory and most mornings it was the light streaming through from the dawning sun that woke James up. James had been mighty proud of himself when he called the bed by the window, thinking he’d guaranteed himself the best spot in the room. He’d been quickly disillusioned as his bed was unfortunately angled so that the light would aim directly into his eyes. It saved him the need for an alarm spell, but James would have killed for a chance to sleep uninterrupted on the weekends.

So when James drowsily opened his eyes, feeling as if he’d slept for fourteen hours straight, he was confused by the darkness that greeted him. His brain scrambled for context and quickly found a clue in the mop of hair that was sharing his pillow. Lily.

She was lying on her side and facing away from him, and he’d fallen asleep with an arm slung over her waist. They’d been disoriented as if they were drunk when they’d stumbled their way back to the Tower after their heated coupling. With every intention to talk, somehow they’d both fallen asleep instead. The watch by his bedside showed it was only ten in the evening. They hadn’t even slept the night through.

Carefully, so as not to wake her, James lifted his head up to peer around. Sure enough, the curtains were closed around Remus’s bed. He was likely reading and giving them some privacy. Peter was in his bed as well, though he was watching James with slitted eyes. When Peter realized he was caught out, he quickly shut his lids and rolled over to pretend he’d been asleep the whole time.

James almost felt a modicum of guilt at the way he was essentially flaunting his relationship with Lily in Peter’s face. Fair or not, he would need to remember that Peter fancied her. James liked to think that he could be sensitive enough to consider his friend’s feelings, but even as he swore to try harder on Peter’s behalf, he knew that he wouldn’t bother in the end. His feelings for Lily would win out. Besides, Peter would be over it once enough time had passed.

Like Peter, Sirius wasn’t bothering to give them their privacy. Unlike Peter, however, he didn’t try to hide it. James could only be thankful that Lily had pulled on one of his jumpers after she’d removed her dress and climbed into his bed to sleep and wasn’t lying there, tits on display for all his mates. Sirius motioned to where Lily was sleeping and gave James a thumbs up.

“Quick work,” Sirius half-whispered to him.

Everything was nearly perfect. All that was left was to wake Lily up so that they could have a much needed conversation. There shouldn’t have been any reason to feel nervous. Lily had come running after him, leaving little doubt that she wanted to resume things where they’d left off. Talking about things, however, would entail a lot of vulnerability on his behalf. James doubted that any two teenagers were ever any good at these kinds of heart-to-hearts. How did one go about saying: I pick you and only you?

James sat up so that he could close the curtains around his bed. While he appreciated Sirius’s show of support, he didn’t exactly want his mate listening in or, Merlin forbid, providing his own colorful commentary because that was sure to send Lily running. A quick Muffilato and they were essentially alone.

Even though he’d whispered the spell, Lily stirred beside him. James kissed her neck to encourage her to wake up all the faster. Lily seemed to adjust to her surroundings much faster than James had, smiling brightly at him and propping herself up on the pillows.

“Can you even see me right now? Without your glasses,” Lily asked.

“Yes,” James said.

Still, he grabbed his specs from where he’d left them on his bedside table and put them on. While he could see Lily before, she did look one hundred times fitter when the details became clear. Maybe if they were going to have such an important conversation he should take them off though. Less of a chance that he’d turn into a blathering idiot because she gave him one of the scrunch-nosed smiles that he adored.

“So…time to talk?” Lily asked, sitting up more fully so that his jumper slid down her shoulder.

Yep, definitely a better idea to keep his glasses off.

James launched right into it. “I appreciate that you apologized. Honestly, I hadn’t known that you could admit your faults like that, so don’t think I didn’t recognize what a big deal that was coming from you.”

There was less to say than he’d expected, mostly because all of the things he’d imagined himself saying now seemed superfluous. Lily was lying there in his arms. It was a strange way to conduct a conversation essentially about the near dissolution of their relationship. Clearly it had already been saved.

Lily had already apologized, however, so James figured that couldn’t be a bad place to start.

Having spent a fair bit of time thinking about her apology the night before, James knew how to address this part at least. It was the direction and ultimate destination of the conversation that remained fuzzy in his mind. Making decisions on the fly had always worked for him well enough, so James figured he could trust his intuition to not lead him astray this time either.

 “You weren’t the only one who owed an apology. You deserve three actually,” James said.

Lily raised an eyebrow at him. “Already delivered, thanks.”

“No, I mean three real apologies,” James said. He doubted they’d be as pleasant as the three orgasms he’d given her earlier, but then again, few things were. “First, I’m sorry that I kind of ambushed you on Sunday. We were both angry, but I escalated the situation, and I’m sorry that I took it to that place instead of just talking to you.”

To his horror, Lily’s eyes welled up with tears. “I’m sorry…I just – you’re right that it was kind of surprising. One second we’re talking and the next you say you’re just done. I didn’t see it coming.”

“I know. I was a wanker,” James said. “I’m not good at fights like that. Honestly, I’ve never had an argument like that with a girl before. Usually I’d just walk away and let them sort out that things were finished. So when you were so upset with me, I kind of…it was a pride thing.”

“And I know that I’ve bruised and battered your pride. I’ve practically run it over with a car at this point, so I’m sorry for working you up to that point,” Lily apologized magnanimously. She no longer appeared to be in any danger of crying. “But you need to talk to me about these things James. You can’t just leave me because things are tough. Or rather, I hope that you won’t because I think what we have is worth fighting for, worth a little bruised pride.”

James kissed her on the tip of her nose. “Okay, let’s put together a list as we go. The list of Things We’ll Do Differently This Time Around because the Sex Is So Damn Good and We Aren’t Even Having Sex Yet.”

“That name is ridiculous,” Lily told him sternly. “It’s clearly The List of Things We’ll Do Differently This Time Around because We’re Going in the Hall of Fame, or The List for short.”

“Lily, Lily, Lily,” James tsked. “You’re a woman of many talents but naming things is not one of them.”

Lily pinched him in retaliation. Of course, that led to a short tickle war in which they both tried to send the other flailing out of the bed. Only when he was lying on top of Lily, her face buried in the pillow and her screams decidedly un-sexy, that James remembered the true purpose of their conversation.

He rolled off of her and continued once she caught her breath. “Okay, so talking out our problems instead of ending things is going on The List. I’m also really really sorry for what I said about you chasing everyone away. That was a fucking low blow and the fact that you didn’t hex my bollocks off then and there is more than I deserved.”

“You were right though,” Lily reminded him, voice all tight and uncomfortable.

“No, I wasn’t. It goes back to the whole talking instead of breaking up thing. You’re not going to chase me away because I’m not going to allow myself to be chased. I know that you can’t just get over all of that in a day, but I’m promising you that much. You couldn’t chase me away if you tried. Think it every night before you fall asleep if you have to in order to believe it, because I don’t break my promises,” James vowed.

“I’ll work on it,” Lily promised in return.

Just like he said, he knew it was going to be an ongoing process for Lily to really internalize that he was telling her the truth. She was used to sneak-attacks, where people went from practically (or literally) family to her enemy in a day’s time. Only by sticking around day in and day out was James going to convince her that this was any different.

If he’d stopped and taken a moment, he would have realized that they had just crossed out of normal teenage commitment into something a lot more serious. For him to keep his promise would require a forever. Realizing how serious things had suddenly become probably would have brought James up short. Deep down, however, he knew that there were far worse things than a forever with Lily Evans. For example, a single second less.

“Finally, I’m sorry about not listening to you about Nott.”

For James, this was the hardest apology to deliver. She’d laid out her reasons pretty clearly before, and James could understand why she’d been upset. Further, he could feel genuinely sorry for hurting her, but the distinction there was pretty huge. He couldn’t regret getting involved when she was bungling everything and putting herself in danger. No amount of talking was going to move him on this issue.

And admitting that was a surefire way to ruin the mood.

Yet, the whole purpose of this conversation was to start anew, and they could never accomplish that if they didn’t air these grievances now. Bottling things up had made him resentful and had contributed to the final explosion that almost destroyed them. Silence did them no good.

“I am sorry, but the whole thing could’ve gone differently if you just talked to me,” James said. “So next thing on the list needs to be you talk to me about the little stuff. You keep so many secrets that I don’t know how best to help you, and doing nothing isn’t an option.”

Lily looked down, her hesitance writ large on her face. “I know you’re right, but it doesn’t come naturally to me.”

“I get that,” James reassured her. And he did. He’d heard her heartfelt explanations about her sister and the way she’d adapted to gain the approval of the world. He’d have to be completely heartless to pretend to still not understand her, but… “But you still have to try. How am I supposed to know you, truly know you, if you hide all the dark parts about yourself? I’m in this for real, you know. I need you to trust me not to run away when something is unpleasant.”

Doubting Lily’s sincerity was impossible, when she nodded at him with that oddly grave expression on her face. Sometimes, when Lily was being chastised, she’d take on a girlish earnestness designed to make her look fragile so that the person criticizing her would feel guilty and stop. James doubted she did it on purpose. Rather, it was a mask that she’d subconsciously cultivated to ward off criticism. Said mask was nowhere in sight as she solemnly took in his words, which let James know they were truly reaching her.

“So you need to talk to me even when you’re angry, and I need to talk to you even when I’m scared,” Lily said.

“Sums it up perfectly.”

“Can I say something, too?” Lily asked nervously, only continuing after James nodded. “I know I handled the Nott-thing poorly, but I wasn’t hiding that one out of the same reasons. You and I both know there was no scenario in which you weren’t going after Nott when you found out. Can you at least admit that?”

While it was decidedly beside the point, James curtly agreed that he could. In fact, he was considering tracking down Nott for a second go.

“I think we’re supposed to be partners,” Lily said slowly, and maybe they ought to have been embarrassed by how unnaturally the basics were coming to them. “Which means neither of us can overrule the other. _So_ you can’t just do whatever you want about Nott any more than I could demand you, I don’t know…quit Quidditch.”

“If you ever want to break up, that’s a good way to go about it,” James muttered, trying to add levity to the serious atmosphere that had washed over them.

Lily was right, of course, about the necessity of partnership, but she was missing half the picture. Maybe that was the point though. As a couple, each of them brought a perspective that the other was missing and together they made something whole and true. Like how a person needed glasses whether they were near or far-sighted because the world looked better in full. Functioning without either wasn’t an option.

“There’s another side to partnership though,” James began.

“I know. Honesty,” Lily supplied.

“Well, yeah, you have to share your problems with me, but it’s more than that. It also means you have to listen to my opinions in good faith. Consider them and not just show up to the table with your mind already made up,” James said.

“Then the same goes for you,” Lily warned.

James rolled his eyes because collaborative thinking had never been one of his weaknesses. All of his pranks and adventures had been planned, from beginning to end, alongside his mates. They all contributed and fed off the energy that each brought to the discussion. As long as Lily was willing to commit to improving her own listening skills, however, he would be content.

“Does that cover all of it?” Lily asked uncertainly.

They’d covered a lot of ground and set more resolutions than an optimist on New Year’s. The main focus of all their discussion fell into the category of communication. For how much time they spent together, much of it talking, they still struggled to communicate. It was the curse of most relationships, the one that had doomed Dahlia and Remus and would likely prove the downfall of Marlene and Sirius. With miscommunication – that destructive monster – looming over them, James figured there was no time like the present to make a change.

“You know, Sirius actually gave me a lot of good advice about making things right with you. We were having issues because I wasn’t acting like a proper mate, but after we made up, he gave me some encouragement. So you kind of owe him for all of this,” James informed her.

“Ooh! Did you make up? I know he was cross with you,” Lily said, eager and altogether missing the point.

“Yes,” James said. Sensing that Lily would require more – not a difficult thing to do as she had begun to not-so-subtly nudge him in the shoulder – he elaborated, “I admitted that I’d been busy lately, which meant I hadn’t focused enough on him. He was struggling with family stuff, and I missed it.”

“That’s so mature that you could admit you messed up,” Lily complimented. “I’d been so worried when I realized you two were fighting. The idea just seemed unnatural.”

Before his row with Sirius, James would have agreed with her assessment. Their fighting must have been unnatural to explain how James’ whole world had been thrown off-balance when Sirius first confronted him. He’d had no basis of experience to call upon to explain how he should navigate Sirius’s ire, and his whole perspective had been skewed as a result, like the earth had tilted just one degree to the left.

James recognized that the experience had been a lesson though. Just because his friendship with Sirius was built on a foundation of laughs, compatibility, and support didn’t mean he could take it for granted. Even in something so easy and good, there was room for resentment to grow if it wasn’t nurtured. He valued Sirius too much to ever forget again.

“Would you have told me about your fight with Sirius? I mean, if we hadn’t gotten into such a big fight ourselves?” Lily asked.

James bit back his immediate answer in order to seriously consider the question. Calling his row with Sirius a secret would be inaccurate and he was confident he wouldn’t have knowingly hid it from Lily. Could he, however, imagine a scenario where he might not have mentioned it? Absolutely. Tired and miserable, he might have chosen to keep his silence out of a desire for reprieve. He could have become distracted or decided there were more interesting conversations to be had.

The strangest thing about dating Lily was how their relationship existed in an isolated space. Rarely did they talk to each other when interlopers were present unless there was a party occurring. They would eat meals with the group, but then they would turn their attentions to their respective friends and away from each other. As a result, Lily and James spent their time together in a hazy unreality. The time was characterized by tenderness and beating pulses and the rush of discovery. Filling Lily in on the contents of his day – even the important parts – was less of a given.

Still, James was pretty confident when he answered, “Yeah, I’d have told you. I’ve had two really bad days this month and both times I told you all about it. I’m more worried about the little stuff.”

“Hmm, I get what you mean,” Lily said, and if she was relieved by how readily he agreed to tell her about any developments in his friendships, she didn’t show it.

Lily maneuvered on the bed so that she sat cross-legged in front of him. James folded back into a more relaxed position, arms-crossed behind his head, in turn. If their body language could be trusted, they’d bridged the worst of it. Not only had they aired their problems, they’d survived. James would have cheered if Lily hadn’t continued talking.

“I sometimes don’t tell you things because they’re just not the kind of stuff me and my friends talk about. I mean, we hardly mentioned Shelia after our big fight. In another group, I bet that would have been gossip fodder for weeks, but we just shut it out,” Lily said speculatively, liked she’d never considered how strange it was before that moment.

“What kind of stuff are you holding out on me, Evans?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Do you realize that whenever you’re trying to give me a hard time you start calling me ‘Evans’ again?”

“Few couples can boast such a tumultuous beginning. I like to remind you of our roots,” James said. That and he could tell how much she secretly enjoyed it by the way she’d distractedly chew on her bottom lip whenever he called her by her surname. He fancied he liked it even more.

Looking around – a fruitless exercise with the bed curtains closed – Lily said, “I’m parched. You wouldn’t happen to have a glass of water, would you?”

“I’m surprised you’re dry now because you were plenty wet before,” James joked cheerfully.

Lily froze as the joke sank in and James braced himself for the worst. Ten seconds later he was trying to ward off Lily’s attempts to brain him with a pillow. The harmless weapon bounced off his forearms and collided with his face repeatedly.

“– Disgusting – Vile – No propriety – The nerve!” Lily’s accompanying insults spilled out without filter.

Managing to grab her by the wrist and momentarily stop the assault, James asked, “So we’re not at the stage where we can tell dirty jokes even when there’s no one else around to hear?”

Lily leaned forward, close enough that her breath puffed against his chin and hissed menacingly, “Not bad ones.”

Really just unaccountably rude.

And then to add insult to injury, she hit him with the pillow again, too.

In retaliation, James cast an Augmenti spell right in her unsuspecting face. She spluttered in outrage as she blinked the water out of her eyes. He’d purposefully modulated the force of the spell so that she wouldn’t get hit too much, but she still looked like a drenched kitten, a regal beast seething at the indignity done to her person.

“You bastard,” Lily grunted

“You said you were thirsty,” James goaded her unrepentantly.

He grinned in nothing short of provocation. To her credit, Lily didn’t unleash a tsunami on his bed. Instead, she settled for wiping her face off on the front of his shirt. The way she rubbed against his chest only strengthened the validity of his kitten metaphor. James decided it was best not to tell Lily that he found her “punishment” of him so endearing.

Once she was good and dry, Lily fell back onto the bed alongside of him, so that they both faced each other on their sides. They were close enough that James could clearly see how her eyelashes clumped together into gummy spikes and the smudge of liner beneath her eye. James wondered whether she ever looked at him so adoringly because he often found it impossible to look away when she was near. Often being an understatement.

“Seriously though, what didn’t you think to tell me before that you should have?” James asked, softly so that she’d know he was only curious rather than angry.

“Not secrets or anything. Just the full story behind things,” Lily said. “Like you know about my fight with Alice, but I never told you how we came to make up. Or about how I’m trying to get closer to Dorcas. There’s the other stuff, too, like how I should have told you sooner that Marlene and I both thought Sirius had impregnated that woman on the Knight Bus, but it’s mostly about my feelings. I’ve had these kind of important growth moments and never mentioned them at all because they seemed personal, and I didn’t want to bore you.”

They were always going to take a different view when it came to gossip. It made sense that Lily thought he’d be uninterested in school chatter considering his views on it, but she was missing two points. First, he would always want to know how a situation was affecting her. If Sirius and Marlene broke up tomorrow, he wouldn’t want to hear the details, but he’d definitely want to know Lily’s thoughts on it. Second, something didn’t need to interest him. That she considered it important was enough.

“Tell me about you and Alice.” He figured that was a faster way of conveying all he thought on the subject.

“So, you know why Alice and I were fighting in the first place,” Lily said.

“Yep, the thestral incident: chaos, crying, injury, and the very real chance of losing the Head Girl position. I remember it,” James said. In retrospect, with Lily no longer guiltily crying, he could look back on the memory fondly. She’d set a thestral on the breakfasting student body. There could have been no bolder signal that this bet was going to take on an energy that he’d never predicted.

“Right. So the argument started because I was being, well, a bit of a bitch actually. Overreacting and panicking and all that –”

“You? Never!’ James said cheekily. He had to move the pillow out of reach so that she couldn’t start bludgeoning him again.

“Anyway, it turned into something else because I felt resentful over how much her opinion affected me and blah, blah, blah.”

“A concise and accurate summary,” James complimented. “I give you an Exceeds Expectations for your effort.”

“Oi! We’ll talk about why I didn’t get an ‘O’ later, but I’m trying to tell you something important right now,” Lily groused.

“Sorry, of course. Go ahead,” James said. He refocused to give her all of his attention.

“After Alice hexed Jerome for Shelia, we all felt so awful, so the girls nominated me to make things right. It was actually the day you and I had detention together, the one where we almost kissed –” Lily said, as if there was any possibility James wouldn’t remember – the way her hair had curled around her chin, the roaring in his ears as they both barely clung to the precipice of something monumental, and all he had wanted was some signal that he should jump and fall. “- Right before, I went to talk to her, and neither of us could apologize. Both of us saw what the other one did wrong and thought it was worse, so we just couldn’t admit how we were also a part of the problem.”

Lily frowned at the memory of her stubbornness.

“You know what’s funny? Days before that you helped me to understand how to forgive when I was angry with Remus. I knew how to apologize and not forgive, and you knew the opposite.”

His recollection drew a soft smile from Lily. “So we started hanging out again, but nothing was resolved. It was weird. I’ve always been comfortable around Alice to the point that I’ve even used the loo in front of her, so all the awkwardness in the dormitory was just weird. I didn’t know where we stood, whether I could tell her a joke or a story because what if she was still cross with me? Being friends with someone should be easy. It shouldn’t require all this worry about how to navigate them.”

Her words echoed his own about their relationship from only days before. And, just like her, he’d come to recognize that sometimes the best things in life did require an effort.

“How long did that last?”

Lily looked puzzled. “There wasn’t like a moment where everything clicked again. We talked a little bit every day and spent time together, and, slowly, I felt less bitter about everything she’d said and done. Excuse what’s probably going to be a very clumsy metaphor, but what happened between me and Alice was like your jeans after a big meal. Alice being the jeans.”

“I don’t follow,” James said, not a hint of teasing in his voice.

While Lily talked, James ran his hand up and down her arm, never seeking to distract her from what she was trying to share, but just a steady show of support. Her skin was smoothest on the underside of her upper arm where a bit of fat had managed to cling to her thin frame. The small patch of skin on her elbows was the roughest – visibly dried out and an inflamed pink. Goose-pimples rose if he skated his fingers too lightly across her forearm, and she would twitch whenever he ran his thumb along the inner-crease of the juncture of her arm. Lily found his efforts soothing, closing her eyes for one drowsy moment and then flickering them open, only to repeat the circuit a second later.

“Sometimes if you eat too much in one sitting, your favorite jeans might not fit any longer. Naturally, you’re embarrassed when the button won’t close, so you toss them aside and declare that they just don’t fit, as if your changing body isn’t part of the problem. Then comes the resentment,” Lily explained. “It’s only when you go back the next day that you realize everything’s fine. Your stomach’s shrunk or the jeans have stretched out, and you fit again.”

“So everything just fixed itself?” James clarified.

“Not exactly. I mean, I think things would have been fine without, but I apologized earlier this week. You wouldn’t believe how good it felt. Better than when she apologized back even. Just this absolute assurance that our friendship was going to be fine and everything could go back to normal,” Lily breathed the last words out on a sigh.

“She’s been better about the mouthing off?” James asked.

“She’s trying,” Lily giggled. “She told Mary that she’d never have any luck with the ladies so long as she had jagged fingernails, but you can tell Alice is doing her best.”

“I think…I think we all are. Just trying our best,” James said, the idea somewhat new to him.

By this point, he’d moved from rubbing her arms to stroking her hair, letting his fingers drift from scalp to the length of her neck and back. Lily purred – once more like a kitten – at the feeling. He would do a lot to hear her sound so contented, and not in the same selfish way as he coveted her moans when they snogged. A part of him, which always rested tense inside his heart, only relaxed when she was so obviously safe and healthy. She’d owned that place in his heart since they were eleven, just like every other person he knew had a small – often miniscule – part of their own. Unlike most others, hers had grown and grown, gobbling up all the real estate with its ferocious hunger. At this rate, it wouldn’t be long until his whole heart was hers.

“Can I tell you something?” Lily whispered.

“Yes,” James answered, equally quiet.

“I need us to work, to be stable. I have so few stable relationships, and I need this to be one of them,” Lily said, still soft and urgent.

As far as admissions went, Lily’s was rather weak as he already knew all about her need for people who would be consistent and gentle with her. Here was the reason his hands were making a light path across her body as she opened up about Alice. Still, if Lily needed to rearticulate her feelings one more time, he would listen and more.

“I’ll be there for you,” he promised.

“You know the same goes for you too, right?” Lily said sweetly.

“I know.”

In the moments that followed, a golden haze of unreality fell upon them. One where the mundanity and cruelty that was life faded into the background to allow for a universe comprised solely of the two of them, two universes in their own right, and one which glowed as if lit by a thousand stars, James and Lily couldn’t get enough of each other. That there was so much as a single detail of her life, a corner of her mind that had as yet gone unexplored, was untenable to him. James wanted to know Lily so thoroughly that their separate identities became meaningless, and their two universes merged into one, their stars expanding until they were illuminated from within by the light of love.

“Favorite book?” James asked.

“ _Mrs. Dalloway_ , Yours?”

“ _The Flight of the Trolls_.”

“What’s it about?”

Murmuring in a lover’s tone the description of a book entirely lacking in romance, James told her about the book – the first he’d read on his own as a child – that had long endured as his favorite. In it, a town of peaceful trolls were required to flee from an invasion of their more aggressive neighbors. One troll, inspired by a nearby nest of phoenixes, suggested they fly to the moon where they could build a colony and forever know peace. Things went drastically and predictably awry from there, but James had never quite forgotten the way his adolescent heart had yearned for the good-natured innocence of the trolls and thumped at the prospect of one day standing on the moon.

“It’s amazing how fantastical that story is,” Lily wondered. “You’d think living amongst magic would crush the part of the soul that dreamed of that sort of thing.”

“I think it’s the opposite because we know that so much more is possible. It’s not like we ever become inoculated against recognizing how extraordinary magic is. Magic lives at the center of our homes, our work, our spirituality and self-esteem. When we see something unexpected, something extraordinary, we don’t just shrug it off,” James countered.

“You’re brilliant, you know that?” Lily said, and the compliment washed over him like a caress, made all the more poignant by Lily kissing him on the very tip of his nose, like a punctuation to her sentence.

“I know there are a lot of fussy wankers out there, the old guard that never wants anything to change, but I want you to know there’s another side to us wizards, too. Valuing tradition is important, but we innovate and grow with every generation. Just you wait and I’ll be the first man to walk on the moon.”

Smiling affectionately, Lily corrected, “You mean wizard.”

“Well I’m both, aren’t I? And I fancy being the first _man_ on the moon would be even cooler.”

The smile slid off Lily’s face. She took his hand in hers like he might need to be comforted and said in her most placating tone, “Baby, the muggles kind of already did that.”

“ _What_? _When_?”

“A couple of years ago, before I came to Hogwarts. They showed the footage on the telly,” Lily said.

James could hardly believe it. Not only had an impossibility been achieved, but somehow he’d gone years without knowing. Surely this was the kind of muggle news that the _Prophet_ would have to run, and James couldn’t imagine that his well-informed parents hadn’t been aware. He wondered whether there had been any night where he’d looked up at the moon and a man had been standing there, right on the surface but out of sight. So small seeming in the distance, it was difficult to imagine a full-grown man fitting on the miniature moon.

While James listened in awe, Lily did her best to explain the engineering that had allowed for this miracle. She spoke about concepts that his rudimentary scientific education could barely account for – atmospheres and gravity and orbits. Even she struggled, which told James just how complex the subject truly was.

Lily finished up by saying, “Of course, they can’t build a colony there. The Americans would rather blow up the moon than see it colonized by the Russians, and I’m sure they feel the same way. Space will remain one of the last neutral territories. Like Antarctica.” Then in a more careful tone, Lily asked, “You’re not too upset that someone beat you to it, right? It’s still almost completely unexplored.”

“Pfft, I didn’t want to go for the glory,” James said. “I’ve got plenty of glory.”

“Ah yes, what would the Head Boy, Captain of the house team, and infamous Marauder need with more glory? Silly me,” Lily said.

“You forget my greatest accomplishment,” James said. At Lily’s expectant expression, he explained, “Scoring you.”

Lily groaned like his romantic words had given her a stomachache. She could whinge to her heart’s content, but James was never going to miss a chance to tell her how happy he was that they were together. Her self-esteem when it came to relationships was in desperate need of some nurturing, and James had always been fond of overwrought displays of gallantry.

“But seriously, I’d want to go because I love flying, going up and up and up. I can’t imagine how it would feel to not have to stop. The rise must feel infinite.”

“Us making up must have put you in a romantic mood. I’ve never heard you speak so poetically. I’m moved,” Lily teased.

“Your face is the truest poetry,” James said with an exaggerated flourish that had Lily crying with laughter. He’d thought girls went for those kind of romantic declarations, but Lily was unimpressed. Obviously that meant he needed to try harder. “Savory as a flower in bloom, sweeter than a grape on the vine. Oh my Lily, you are divine.”

“You are so dumb,” Lily chuckled.

“Don’t I at least get praise for how I made it rhyme at the end?” James asked, suppressing his own amused laughter to play it dry.

“No.”

Sirius was always one to appreciate a well-executed rhyme. They’d spent the better part of fourth year writing bawdy songs and laughing their arses off. What his mates didn’t know was that James had also jotted out a series of poems dedicated to his obsession of the time: one Lily Evans. These short missives had overflowed with adjectives and yearning, occasionally descending into the tawdry. He’d kept them glued to the underside of his bed, knowing Peter often searched his roommates’ belongings for hidden chocolate and not wishing for Peter to accidentally run across such damning evidence. James told Lily all about it, relishing in her delight at his antics.

“And where are these masterpieces now?” Lily said. “I want to read about my beauty.”

“Burnt ‘em into a pile of ash in the middle of fifth year. I felt like a poncy git writing that shite,” James said unapologetically.

Lily pouted. “That’s too bad. I would have liked to read one…thought you had a point about the poncy thing. Why couldn’t you be a normal bloke suffering from repressed longing and just wank to a picture of me or something?”

“Well, I did that, too,” James said like it was obvious.

“What? Eww! Where’d you even get a picture of me?” Lily squealed, a complete reversal from her confident teasing a moment before.

“Alice gave it to me,” James said. “And don’t you think you’re being dramatic? You’ve jerked me off loads of times now.”

“Still,” Lily muttered.

Her face flushed scarlet. James kissed her on the cheek by way of apology because he hadn’t meant to mortify her. The topic didn’t seem to him to be something taboo considering she’d had her hands all over his cock a few hours earlier. Besides, he’d be crowing if Lily told him she used to do the same. (Such a revelation would probably kill him though, so perhaps it was for the best that she didn’t respond in kind.)

A thought dawned on him. “Wait…when we snogged before the prefects’ meeting that one time…you were into the idea of me getting off to the thought of you…You _like_ it!”

“I’m not going to deign that with a response.” She became impossibly redder as she spoke.

He was too tired to pursue this intriguing thought in full, but James stroked her neck and breathed into her ear, “Don’t worry, Evans. You’re still on my mind when I wank. And if you want, I can even show you some time.”

Lily’s exhale shuddered out of her. An intriguing thought indeed. James doubted it would be long before they’d explored this particular fantasy in full. Knowing Lily was getting worked up and neither of them was in a position to take care of it, James rubbed Lily’s back for a few minutes; his touch was meant to soothe not arouse. Their idea would keep till tomorrow.

Eventually, a Lily who was back to her normal coloring said, “We should skive off classes tomorrow.”

“Evans!” James cried as if scandalized.

“I know, it’s out of character, but think about it. We could stay in bed the whole day. Just the two of us,” Lily said earnestly.

“Get one of the guys to bring us breakfast so we don’t need to move,” James suggested, lapsing into the fantasy of waking up to the sun and Lily.

“Feed each other blueberries and listen to records,” Lily said.

“Why, Lily, you have yourself a date,” James said, never having needed to be convinced.

“Our first as a real couple,” Lily sighed before kissing him on the corner of his mouth. He loved when she did things like that. Of the two of them, he was more inclined towards spontaneous displays of affection and showy romanticism. Lily shared her feelings in a quieter way, but they were there, and he no longer had to guess at them.

Driven by his desire to know and be known, James said, “Ask me a question. One you’re not sure you want to know the answer to.”

Lily frowned, her nose scrunching up as she considered. Courageous thing that she was, she wouldn’t back down from such an offer. Despite how it looked, James wasn’t trying to tempt fate or start a fight. He just wanted to abolish the boundaries they’d erected around themselves and be left with nothing but the truth. Shyness did no good between two people who had seen each other naked – the soul-bearing and physical kinds.

“Have you ever been in love?” Lily asked finally.

“No.” James could answer without a moment’s hesitation. “I dated some awesome girls, but I never loved any of them. I never let myself get to that point because all I really wanted was an awesome girlfriend, not a person who relied on me. You know?”

“You think love is reliance?” Lily asked a little tightly.

“I think love is love.” He couldn’t put it any more simply than that. While he could claim no deep thought into the matter, James knew the infatuation and camaraderie he shared with past girlfriends hadn’t come close to the true thing.

“When did you know you really liked me?” Lily said by way of follow up, and the way she stuttered over ‘like’ told James that she’d wanted to say love.

“I did really like you when we were younger. It wasn’t all attraction back then. So I’d say I truly started to like you as in the person, not the body and face, in mid-fourth year. By late fifth year, you’d rejected me enough that we were back to attraction. Then…I’d say I knew one hundred percent that I liked you this year after we broke into Ravenclaw together, but it probably started earlier.”

There was no way that he hadn’t already been half-way to smitten by the end of the picnic. Anyone who had bid on him and saved him from Dahlia would have earned his gratitude, but he’d been undeniably pleased that it was Lily who had taken the initiative. She’d been funny and candid as they talked, smiling beatifically at the sunny day. Of course, he’d fancied her. Of course, he’d always fancied her to some degree or another.

“Anything else?” James asked, referring to his initial request.

Lily puzzled over the question for a moment before shaking her head in the negative. “No, there’s nothing else I can think of. You’ve never been afraid to speak your mind, so it’s not like the secrets have been piling up…I’d like to know more about your friends, I suppose. Just what happened between Sirius and his family, and what has Remus so sick all the time, but I know that you can’t just tell me all that. They’re not your secrets to share after all.”

James felt overwhelmingly grateful to her for recognizing as much. His loyalties to his friends weren’t just going to disappear because he had a girlfriend, no matter how serious a girlfriend she may be. They’d joked about being ‘the couple’ during Spin the Bottle the other night, but they couldn’t actually become one of those couples that didn’t bother to differentiate between each other. He had a life long before Lily entered it (as did she), and they weren’t about to abandon their foundations now.

Still, James knew that he’d need to make room for her amongst his friends and all their secrets at some point or another. Just not yet. Things were still too uncertain and new. James couldn’t justify telling the girl he’d been separated from only six hours before the secrets that were most integral to his friends’ lives, but…there did come a point where it became known that telling the boyfriend was essentially the same as telling the girlfriend.

James’ old Quidditch captain had been like that. His girlfriend, Petal Andrews, had always known the situation of the team, down to the minutest detail because Clark, his captain, was always running his mouth to her. He, likewise, had uncanny access to the dramas of the Slytherin girls that Petal so eagerly shared with him. Last James heard, the two were still together, engaged to be married.

“You keep having those chats with Sirius, and he’ll probably be charmed into telling you himself,” James said, causing Lily to giggle at the ridiculousness of Sirius easily parting with his secrets.

“What about you? Anything you want to know?” Lily asked.

There was one thing. James viewed today as the day that they aired all of their major issues, and they had yet to address one sticking point that could contribute to the collapse of everything. James was loathe to bring it up because he knew that things weren’t going to end to his liking, but he forced himself to do it anyway, for the good of their relationship.

“The other night, I ran into Snape,” James said, catching the way Lily’s jaw tightened. “We didn’t fight or anything, but he brought you up to me. I didn’t tell him anything about us!” James added hurriedly, too aware that Lily wouldn’t take kindly to his interference. “But…he’s going to find out about us eventually. No, soon, so we need to talk about it.”

“Actually,” Lily began, but James cut her off.

“Please, just let me say my piece, okay? I don’t like him, and I never will, but I’m not going to try to convince you anymore. I’m not going to ask you to give him up because that would be ridiculous. Just as ridiculous as you asking me to chuck Peter out of my life.”

“James –”

“No, Lily, please! I’m not going to ask you to stop being friends, but I can’t act likes his best mate. I can’t eat dinner with the two of you together or spend study nights in the library. That’s going to have to be something separate between the two of you. We’ll work out a schedule or play it by ear, whatever you think works best. I demand that Hogsmeade trips are mine though. I’ll tell you right now that I will be furious if you ever ditch me on Hogsmeade Saturday to spend it with Snape,” James stated firmly, working himself up just imagining the scenario.

“James!” Lily repeated again, tugging at his sleeve, and this time he let himself be brought back down. “Severus and I aren’t friends anymore.”

The words and all their implications sank into James’ brain, and he started to worry that he was dreaming. Everything was turning out too brilliantly for this to be real life. He got Lily! And a Lily who had dumped Snape no less! If his adolescent fantasies were anthropomorphized, they would be singing.

“When the bloody hell did that happen?” James said, laughing a bit in his enthusiasm.

“Only yesterday,” Lily admitted. “Shortly after I spit on Nott.”

He was dating a force of nature, and he was damned proud of it. No other bloke in school could boast that his girlfriend went around spitting on bigots and crushing them underfoot, and Lily had gone for a two-for-one on a Monday no less.

“It just seemed like the thing to do. I gave him a chance to make the right choice, and he didn’t,” Lily explained. “So that’s it. I can’t compromise with him on this, pretend that the friendships he has are remotely okay. At least, I can’t while maintaining any dignity. I guess, I didn’t have any before, but handling Nott…it was such a rush. If I’d then turned around and been friendly with Sev, I would have lost all of that, and I’m not sure I’m willing to lose that feeling for anything.”

It went unsaid how monumental this development truly was. Lily had no guarantees that she wasn’t going to end up alone, despite his many protestations. She was every bit as vulnerable as she had been earlier in the month when she had permitted Snape to slink back into her life and revive their friendship. Even more amazingly, she’d done it all while still on the outs with James himself. Rather than reassessing her life and deciding that she could place her faith in James to keep her whole, Lily had been prepared to go it alone entirely. The inner dignity that she mentioned had for once taken precedence over the feeling of being needed.

“I think that’s what they call character growth,” James said.

“It didn’t feel good,” Lily admitted. “Actually, it hurt a lot. It’s giving up on him, you know? I watched my best friend go down a terrible path, and I gave up on him.”

The air felt thick in his lungs, the blankets oppressive as they pressed into him as, for the first time, James truly let himself feel the pain of all that Lily had lost. To his shame, he had no words to comfort her because he had never given up on a friend, never considered their wrongdoing extreme enough to warrant such a strong response. Hell, Sirius had tried to straight up murder Snape and he’d found forgiveness east. In the same situation, James couldn’t say whether he would have accepted his defeat, no matter how many times Sirius spewed death eater shite or Peter betrayed him. Wanting Lily to throw over Snape was easy. Knowing that he’d do the same and not prove the hypocrite, was harder.

“You did the right thing,” James said simply, because it was the only thing he was sure about.

Lily looked down, expression doleful, and James knew that he would need to create a distraction to cheer her up a bit. Hearing her talk candidly about Snape was wonderful, of course, and he’d always want her to share her feelings with him, but it was the evening that they became an official couple, and James selfishly didn’t want her spending it with a miserable pout on her face. With Lily’s eyes downcast, James was free to run an urgent hand through his hair, fluffing it up as much as possible. When Lily’s eyes alighted on his newly mussed hairdo, her eyes lit up, any vestiges of her unhappiness sliding away as easily as a greased pig on a seesaw.

“Your hair is so ridiculous!” Lily guffawed. “How is it possible for any one person to have such awful hair?”

“Okay, first of all,” James said, waving his finger in her face, “My hair is brilliant.”

“Is there a second of all, there?” Lily asked after it became clear that James wasn’t going to continue.

“Oh no, that’s about it,” James said, blinking innocently. “Just that my hair’s wonderful. How bad is it anyway?”

Conjuring a mirror for him, Lily presented his reflection to him without comment. He’d truly done a number on his hair, choppy patches sticking up in every direction. The hair had grown back uneven, so there was one abnormally long tuft spiking out in a curling cowlick, while a shorter tuff stuck out in the opposite direction right beside it. He’d managed to slick back the entirety of his hair so that his forehead was completely exposed and some of his hair hung over it like a visor. In a word, he looked ridiculous. He didn’t try to keep his voice down as he laughed, full and deep from his belly.

Lily smiled and curled more fully into his arms. Her nose burrowed into the plane of his shoulder. James wondered if Lily could fully appreciate cuddling him, when he was made up of ninety percent lean muscle. There were no soft cushiony places for her to rest her head, but it never seemed to deter her. In comparison, James could find plenty of soft places – her stomach, her thighs, her chest – to nuzzle into on her body. Her hair was the softest of all, and he stroked it gently with both hands, watching as the strands were caught and then released by his fingers.

Because Lily was pressed so close, James could feel the moment when she closed her eyes. Her eyelashes fluttered and trailed down his shoulder. Wrapped up like this, it would be all too easy for them to fall asleep. They would spend the night warm and close and loved. Spending the night together was something most established couples took for granted, but it would be their first time and James didn’t believe he could ever fail to appreciate such a wonderful thing.

Just as he was about to slip into unconsciousness, the curtains were rather dramatically thrown open. James didn’t bother opening his eyes, knowing it would be Sirius, and just flipped his troublesome friend off. Lily, however, made a noise in protest and actually sat up, so James was forced to accept that their slumber had been delayed. He was too content to feel truly cranky, but James opened his eyes with a scowl on his face all the same. To his surprise, it wasn’t just Sirius looming over the bed.

It was every one of the friends.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And on this awkward cliffhanger of a note, we end the chapter. It’s so choppy and unexpected because this and the next were initially written as one chapter, but it got unreasonably long, so I decided to split it, but was too lazy to do it properly.
> 
> Anyway, I hope that didn’t detract too much from the chapter and the many much needed conversations that came with it. These kids have become so mature, I want to cry haha.
> 
> Also, I realized that my plan to consolidate all the chapters so that there’s 1 per day won’t work because I’d lose all your reviews! And I’m far too in love with all of you to do that, so I’ll keep the chapter break down even though I’d much prefer this to be a 30 chapter story in its final version.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	55. Nov 1: The End

**November 1, 1977**

What the hell?” James demanded, caught between a laugh and genuine disbelief.

Lily whispered in his ear, “The way they’re ogling us, I feel like I’m an animal in a zoo.”

“Clear out, you voyeuristic weirdos,” James ordered as Lily inexplicably decided to shout in an anguished voice, “I am not an elephant!”

None of their friends, all crowded around James’ bed as if such an intrusion was remotely normal or welcome, acknowledged Lily’s outburst. They just continued to loom over the resting couple without any consideration for their privacy.

“It’s midnight,” Mary said simply.

“So?” James asked. It wasn’t like his friends made it a habit of visiting his bedside every night at the chime of twelve.

“So, welcome to November,” Marlene said, like it was obvious.

And then it was. With all of the drama of the last few days, James had lost track of time and the significance of the change of the month.

November.

The bet was officially over.

There would be no more need to force himself to pay attention in class, free to decide what type of instruction he needed to pass his NEWTs. There would be no more Tuesday Head meetings where he struggled through the unwieldy load of work without help. No more enforcing the rules when he saw wrongdoing, or kissing up to Slughorn for points. There would be no more outbursts of mischief that he wasn’t the primary cause of as Lily hung up her pranking hat.

The last month had been like living in a dream. A role-reversal that had warded off the boredom of the school year and turned it into something exciting. A new beginning instead.

Considering how wonderful the month had proven to be, James was surprised not to feel upset at its passing. Maybe he was ready for that new beginning to actually _start_. Because while beginnings were fun with all their discoveries and the anticipation of the future, there was nothing quite like a happy middle.

Lily looked perfectly stunned by the realization, but James, James began to laugh. He felt giddy as he tried to process all that the day had brought him. Like dominos, his friends, one-by-one, began to join him.

“But who won?” Peter asked as the laughter began to die out.

“Obviously me,” Lily said at the same time that said, “Team Potter for the win.”

They both immediately glared at each other because somethings would never change.

On the other hand, some things would.

The door swung open unexpectedly, and a breathless Shelia burst into the room, crying, “Did I miss it?”

By the way everyone stared silently, it was clear that no one understood what Shelia was doing there. Lily looked like she was staring at her future self, the sight was equally unexpected and difficult to process. James didn’t quite know what to think, looking to take his cues from Lily’s reaction. Under their combined stares, Shelia shifted nervously, tucking her hair behind her ears and alternating her weight from one foot to the other. She remained on the threshold of the room, like she was unsure whether she was welcome to join them inside.

“What are you doing?” Marlene asked, and she was so surprised that she forgot to lace any venom into her voice.

“It’s November,” Shelia said. “We have to decide who won the bet.”

James had noticed how, for the past few weeks, Lily had seemed to shrink into herself whenever the topic of Shelia came up. While the other girls ranted or dismissed their former friend altogether, Lily turned inward and quiet. Now, Lily didn’t lower her head, but maintained eye contact and considered. James felt enormously proud.

No one seemed to know what to say because the problems with Shelia’s statement were so evident that explaining them seemed unnecessary. But here Shelia was, standing there with that expectant look on her face, so James figured she did need to hear something. And since the girls weren’t rising to the occasion, he decided he would.

“Everyone’s kind of mad at you, Marks,” James said slowly.

“I know,” Shelia said, hurrying to add, “And they should be. Because I’m a heinous bitch who doesn’t deserve any of you. But I was hoping we could put that aside because we started this together, and I think we should end it together too.”

Her words strongly mirrored the ones Lily had shared with him after he had questioned why they were continuing with the bet in the first place. The bet had truly started with James and Lily, no one else, but clearly it had taken on a life of its own and sucked up all of their friends into its orbit because they weren’t the only ones that thought their silly wager had become something bigger than itself. Maybe it was out of tribute to the force that the bet had become that Lily turned and gave a sharp nod of assent to the other girls, like a general doling out orders.

“Fine, you can take part,” Marlene relented.

“But this doesn’t mean we’re suddenly all friends again,” Alice clarified strictly.

James didn’t think Shelia looked all too happy with that part of the deal, but she nodded her agreement all the same. With nine people now crammed into the dormitory, the fit had become rather tight, so they decided to reconvene in the Common Room. It was late enough that all other students had cleared out, and it was rare for McGonagall to perform Common Room checks and assign detentions to Gryffindors caught out of bed. They all took part in repositioning the furniture so that nine chairs were arranged in a loose circle. Rather than sit on opposite sides like they might have at the start, Lily and James sat next to one another and let their friends fill out on either side of them.

The mood was oddly formal considering they were all in their pajamas, except for Lily. She was still wearing her gown from the Halloween feast with one of James’ oversized jumpers tugged overtop of it to create a strangely imbalanced effect. All of the girls were on edge because of Shelia; the girl sat between Alice and Peter, clearly positioning herself on Lily’s side of the group, unwelcome as she was. Sitting between the boys would have been safer, so James could only assume that Shelia had intended her seating to make a statement: That she was back on Lily’s side no matter what.

“So how are we going to do this?” Lily asked nervously.

“I say we all do dramatic speeches and whoever’s is most convincing wins,” Sirius announced in typical fashion, probably salivating over the ridiculous and lengthy monologue he would deliver in such a case.

“No!” the cry rose up around the room. It was too late on a night before classes for that kind of shite.

“How about we examine them one by one. That way we can assess their strengths and weaknesses first without comparison, and then make a decision,” Mary suggested reasonably.

It was agreed, and after a brief debate, it was further decided that James would be examined first. Figuring that he’d done brilliantly, James was more than happy to give them a rundown of his exploits over the past month. As Mary had become the de facto leader of their proceedings, she presented James with questions about how he’d handled each element of the bet, which he then answered. She started with his grades.

“My marks have all improved. I’ve gotten Os in Transfiguration, DD, Charms, and Potions. And an Exceeds Expectations in Arithmancy. That’s both on any exams this month and from completing all of my homework and essays at that standard,” James announced proudly.

“And to think you could have been this successful all along if you’d just put some effort into it,” Lily muttered.

James smirked at her, but he suspected that with Lily as a girlfriend, his days of not worrying about his marks were coming to an end. Knowing his potential, Lily would be on his case if he ever started slipping. Maybe library dates with his girlfriend wouldn’t be so bad though…his mum would certainly be thrilled with the change.

“Hmm, interesting,” Remus muttered, giving no indication of whether James’ statement was impressive or not. All of his friends presented equally difficult to read faces, building suspense as to who would win.

“And what about improving your reputation with the professors?” Mary probed.

“Well, McGonagall already loved me, and I don’t think anything changed between me and Flitwick or Ames, but I’ve been volunteering to clean up the ingredients cupboard with Slughorn. He’s gone from tolerating to really liking me, and we’ve actually had some really good conversations,” James admitted. “Not to brag, but Dumbledore invited me to his office on Friday to compliment me on the noticeable change in my behavior and commitment and said that I’ve proven myself to be a worthy Head Boy, so…”

Shelia and Alice couldn’t help but exchange a meaningful glance at that revelation and Marlene actually produced a piece of parchment so that she could start scribbling down notes with one of Mary’s infamous pens. The seal of approval from Dumbledore himself was _definitely_ going to count in his favor, and James struggled not to smile triumphantly in Lily’s direction. She’d be pissy when she lost, so he’d have to be careful not to antagonize her too much. (A little bit was, of course, only to be expected).

“Interesting. And describe how you’ve handled your Head Boy duties,” Mary ordered.

Eagerly, James launched into what he viewed as his greatest successes. “I’ve run the two prefects’ meetings we’ve had this month, increasing participation and putting down any arguing. I even, as you may recall from the last time we met to discuss all of this, studied up on past prefect meetings to improve performance.”

“The committee remembers,” Mary interrupted.

James didn’t let her stern tone deter him for a second and continued, “I’ve been participating fully in rounds and taken over the responsibilities of Head Boy fully. That means I answered the inbound requests from students, took part in a conflict resolution for a group of Hufflepuffs, and managed the points system. On top of all of that, I’ve also planned two school events this month: the auction and the scavenger hunt. Both of which were categorical successes for everyone who participated and took a fair bit of coordination on my part.”

“Is there anything else you’d like the committee to know?” Remus asked, a presumption that Mary bore with grace.

“Only that I will continue in coming months to help out with Head duties and that I appreciate your time in considering my case,” James said, unrepentantly ingratiating in his quest to score points. Lily gave him a less than impressed scowl. While his efforts didn’t seem to have made much of a difference with most of their friends, both Marlene and Sirius looked gratified by his thanks, so he figured it was brown-nosing well spent.

“Now, Lily – “ Mary said.

Before Mary could even begin to finish her though, Lily blurted out, “I did so much! _So_ much”

“That’s, um, nice, but we’re still on James,” Mary said, and Lily sank back into her seat – she’d leaned precariously forward and nearly fallen off of it in her excitement – with an air of abashment. “I was going to say, would you like to share any observations you had on James’ contributions as Head Boy?”

Predictably, James’ mates didn’t take too kindly to that, and their pretense of impartiality disappeared in an instant. Sirius actually burst to his feet in the heat of his outrage, which said something as Sirius loathed anything that required effort – even the infinitesimal effort involved with engaging the muscles in one’s legs to arise abruptly from a chair.

“You can’t let Lily assess him! She’s the very definition of a conflict of interest,” Remus said.

“Are you calling my integrity into question?” Lily asked.

“I’m calling you a self-serving louse, madam,” Sirius announced dramatically.

A few days before, Lily would have greeted this outburst with, at best, a look of deep skepticism as if questioning Sirius’s sanity, and, at worst, some type of violence as she was prone to assuming the worst in Sirius. Their recent conversation, however, had warmed Lily to Sirius, and it appeared that the effects were already beginning to show. Instead of a dark scowl, Lily smiled indulgently at Sirius, like an owner might after their dog had successfully played dead. In Lily’s eyes, Sirius’s antics clearly remained ridiculous, but now he was her friend, so she was compelled to be fond of them regardless.

“I’m asking Lily’s opinion because as the Head Girl and the person that was handling these duties previously, she has the best perspective on how James did,” Mary clarified.

“Yeah, it’s not like we wouldn’t be able to tell she was lying if she said, ‘Um, Potter was a right wanker and did nothing. I win by default,’” Alice said.

“And for all we know, James was lying,” Marlene added reasonably.

“That’s a lot of pressure,” Lily said, a nervous edge to her voice. “Um…everything he said was true. He worked really hard and did a great job. I was proud to call him my partner.”

James jaw literally dropped. Not slowly slid open. Dropped. All it took to smooth the rough edge of her competitive streak was apparently a little romance. As much as she wanted to win, Lily wanted him to know that she was proud of him more. For someone else, it might not have been a huge gesture, but for Lily, it was meaningful. Touched by her generosity, James reached out and squeezed her hand. This was misinterpreted by the girls as evidence that James was pressuring Lily to hide something, and he had to cover his ears as four girls started shouting at him.

“No! No! It’s fine!” Lily said hurriedly.

“You really have nothing bad to say about _any_ thing he did the _entire_ time?” Marlene asked disbelievingly.

“Well…I suppose there was one thing…” Lily said, and James released her hand in retaliation for her impending betrayal. (Maybe he had hoped to influence her after all.) “He made a mess of the rounds assignment in the first meeting and then blamed it on me when everyone complained. He told them I’d messed up, instead of taking responsibility.”

“Mate,” Sirius whistled through his teeth. “Not a good look.”

As much as he gasped and feigned outrage, James had no defense for himself. He’d done exactly that.

“Also, he slept through half the scavenger hunt. He was supposed to be on duty for any kids that had questions but he fell asleep,” Lily said.

“How do you know that?” James asked. When Lily shifted uncomfortably, the answer dawned on him. “You’re the one who drew the prick on my face!”

Lily smiled despite her guilt and said, “That will be counting for one of my pranks by the way.”

“Noted,” Mary said. “Anything else?”

“No, that’s it. He really did do a fantastic job,” Lily repeated graciously. In reward, James decided they could hold hands again, and Lily beamed as her hand slotted into his.

The floor was then opened to anyone else who wished to make a comment or offer an observation on James’ behavior of the past month. It was strange listening to people talk about him while knowing that he had to keep his mouth shut and endure without responding. No one said anything offensive, so that was a comfort, but it was still an unusual experience and one that James, being an outspoken and natural leader, did not wish to repeat.

Peter – the love-struck traitor – offered up that it seemed Lily had still participated in all Head duties, meaning he’d still been receiving assistance, whereas Lily had handled the month of September entirely on her own. Mary pointed out that James had similarly allowed Adrian Jones to take the lead in preparing the Halloween feast and had relied heavily on the prefects for the scavenger hunt. This led Remus to interject that James had required substantial help from his friends in prepping the auction, _but_ he still deserved credit for his ingenuity with that idea and the speed with which he implemented it as delegation was a skill in and of itself.

For the first time since they started, Shelia decided to offer her thoughts on the matter. Once more, she seemed to cast her lot in with Lily, criticizing James’ performance more strongly than any of the others in what James assumed was an exaggerated bid for forgiveness. As if the girls would support her reintegration into their group just because she helped Lily win the bet.

Shelia’s issue was that she didn’t believe that James had participated in good faith: “I’m just saying that you still broke the rules and did all sorts of un-Lily-like things during the past month. Just because you didn’t get caught, doesn’t mean you weren’t breaking rules and acting recklessly for a Head Boy.”

No one rushed to his defense, and Mary only uttered another dry “Interesting” at Shelia’s new perspective. With all of them doing their best to remain ambiguous, James couldn’t begin to tell what they thought of his performance on the whole. He had been confident he’d aced his requirements in perfect form, but with all his transgressions laid out like that, he was beginning to doubt his victory was guaranteed.

“And now for you, Lily. How would you describe how you did?” Mary asked.

Beet-red with either eagerness or embarrassment at the totality of the proceedings, Lily said, “One word: awesome.”

James guffawed so loudly that Sirius felt compelled to slap a hand over James’ mouth because he was liable to wake the whole house. Indiscretion aside, he just couldn’t help it. Her answer was so stereotypically him, that he found himself chortling like a fool. He wanted to squeeze her cheeks in both hands and kiss her soundly until she was red for an entirely different reason.

“You had a couple goals to accomplish, but your main focus was on completing your pranks. Ten each week for the first two weeks and then seven afterwards for a total of thirty-four pranks this month,” Remus continued solemnly, and his no-nonsense tone did wonders in helping James calm his mad chuckling. “Since the three of us –” he gestured to Sirius and Peter, “-are supposed to be judging your pranks, could you provide us with a list of what you managed?”

Dutifully, Marlene offered up a spare bit of parchment and Lily set to scribbling away, parchment resting on her knee for support. Thirty-four really was a lot, and James secretly admitted that if she had managed thirty-four solid pranks in a month’s time, she deserved to win over him. He’d performed his role brilliantly, but the sheer scope of what Lily had been required to do was unbelievable. Minutes passed while Lily scribbled away, detailing everything she had accomplished in the past month.

Finally, Lily finished. She took a moment to transfigure copies of her work and then passed the sleeves of parchment out amongst the “committee.” When James asked if he could have one made for himself, Lily turned her nose up at him and reminded him that he wasn’t one of the judges. A tiny bit exasperated, James leaned to his right so that he could peer over Sirius’s shoulder instead.

_ Week 1 _

  1. _Singing charm in Transfiguration_
  2. _Thestral at breakfast_
  3. _Balding potion. Target: James Potter_
  4. _Ban on the word ‘class’ at the Lake Party_
  5. _Blowing up Snape’s Potion (counts as 2)_
  6. _Itching powder in Slytherin Quidditch team’s robes_
  7. _Moved the suits of armor on the 2 nd floor to block entry to the History of Magic classrooms_
  8. _Replacing the 6 th year Gryffindor’s hangover cure with Vodka_
  9. _Pumpkin juice shower_


  * _Short-sheeting the Gryffindor boys_



_ Week 2 _

  1. _Setting Peeves on the staircase to cause mayhem & misery_
  2. _Marlene’s compliment button_
  3. _Mood ring charms_
  4. _Portrait of the Marauders outside the Great Hall_
  5. _Breaking into the Ravenclaw dormitory_
  6. _The Shrieking Shack_
  7. _Food fight_
  8. _Dungbomb outside Ravenclaw_
  9. _Gryffindor common room furniture prank_


  * _Zonko’s fake wands for the Care of Magical Creatures class_



_ Week 3 _

  1. _Truth or Dare pranks:_
    1. _Streaking_
    2. _Coughing during class_
    3. _Love Poem to Binns (R.I.P.)_
  2. _Drew a penis on James’ face_
  3. _McGonagall’s ever-color-changing wardrobe_
  4. _Breaking into McGonagall’s rooms_
  5. _Missing day of the week prank_
  6. _Apple juice in the PepperUp potion_
  7. _The slam poetry show with Moaning Myrtle_



_ Week 4 _

  1. _Betting on Quidditch matches_
  2. _More Truth or Dare bets_
    1. _Pants the whole Gryffindor team_
    2. _Bouquet of flowers that make you sneeze when you smell them_
    3. _Steal all the books on ‘Enhancement charms’ (the subject of the 4 th years’ essay) from the library and deliver a ransom note_
  3. _Slughorn’s missing wine_
  4. _Mines that release a charm you when you step on them_
  5. _Setting off Peeves_
  6. _Fake duel in the corridor between 2 nd years, causing much drama for the professors_



In all its years, Hogwarts had never undergone such a concerted campaign of mischief. Yet, James suspected that most students weren’t aware that something out of the ordinary had occurred. Unlike the Marauders, Lily had opted for circumspection instead of spectacle, so while most students would say October had been an unusually fun month – not dreary or autumnal at all – they wouldn’t be able to name why. Where the Marauders were notorious pranksters, Lily had made herself into some sort of folk hero, like the muggle Santa Claus only she brought pranks in the place of presents.

“We have a few questions about some of these before we start scoring them. Do you mind?” Remus said.

Once Lily asserted that she didn’t, Sirius launched right into it. “The short-sheeting thing, was that the whole of the Gryffindor blokes or did you limit it to just the four of us?”

“The four of you,” Lily said, paling as Sirius began to scratch out a comment on his sheet.

“It says here that you broke into McGonagall’s rooms but doesn’t say what the actual prank was. What did you do?” Remus asked.

“Um…I made her robes color-changing…”

“Which you counted as a separate prank,” Sirius stated.

Lily nodded helplessly, and this time the notes that everyone scribbled – Peter included – couldn’t have possibly been positive.

“You only have six pranks for week four,” Peter pointed out needlessly.

“Only six,” Lily agreed. “In my defense though, James kind of broke my heart on Sunday. I’d had something planned before then, but it all just fell apart afterwards.”

James had to stop himself from asking a poncy question like, ‘I broke your heart?’ It was still new to him, hearing Lily admit their importance to each other so openly. It was a hard won victory, and one that none of his friends appeared to appreciate. Lily did though, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye as if looking for his reaction. Grinning like a fool would hardly be the appropriate response to hearing he’d broken his girlfriend’s heart a few days prior, so James schooled his face into something caught between apology and appreciation.

“A fair point,” Sirius muttered.

“We’ll take that into consideration,” Remus agreed charitably. “Can you explain what these truth-or-dare pranks are exactly?”

Enthusiastically, Lily detailed how she’d drawn the shyest and most obscure students in Hogwarts into helping her with her pranks, all anonymously. According to her, everyone had a lot of fun, empowered to act against expectations for once. She was especially proud of how Albert Albertson had become more sociable and outspoken since his participation, like the discovery of his inner bravery and had fundamentally changed him.

Sirius snorted out a laugh. “You were supposed to terrorize the school, not become its therapist.”

“I’m a multitasker,” Lily said primly.

“I was in the hospital for the Moaning Myrtle prank. What was it?” Peter asked, eyes scanning greedily over the list.

“I had this idea that I would advertise that Myrtle was putting on a slam poetry show. I didn’t think it would be anything anyone took seriously, but I thought the fliers were funny, and it would be cool if some people actually fell for it. This school’s so weird that it wouldn’t even be surprising,” Lily said. Everyone nodded in agreement. Professor Binns had continued teaching the History of Magic classes despite his recent departure from the physical plane, so there was no reason that Myrtle couldn’t pursue a hobby. “The wild thing was that people actually showed up. This group of first years actually came to the bathroom on the third floor to hear Myrtle’s poetry.”

“You didn’t tell me about this,” James laughed.

“I’ve been so busy it slipped my mind. It was pretty hilarious though because Myrtle had no idea what was happening, but all you girls know how much she loves to entertain an audience, so she actually came up with some poems on the spot,” Lily said.

“Tell me it was about kittens and rainbows!” Alice pleaded, eyes closed in rapturous pleasure as she pictured the ever-crying ghost coining cheerful poems on the spot.

“Sadly no. It was the most depressing stuff I’ve ever heard,” Lily said. “We only got through like two poems before everyone started laughing because it was hilarious, and then, Myrtle got all offended and refused to continue, but it was good while it lasted.”

“Can you remember any?” Peter asked.

“Um…there was one that started with something like: _There once was a girl who walked alone/ and slept on stone/ and one day just was gone./ She disappeared without a trace./It was like she was just erased_.”

“Oh my god, Myrtle’s a talent,” Marlene giggled. “She came up with that on the spot?”

“That or she’s been writing this shite for years. Not much else she can be getting up to in that toilet,” Sirius said.

“True. The other ghosts don’t even invite her to their Death Day parties,” Mary remarked, and James was struck by the terrible sadness of the fact. Lonely in life, the impression that Myrtle had left on the earth was just as lonely in death.

They continued to run through the finer points of Lily’s month in the same manner for another twenty minutes. Unlike in James’ case, there was much to discuss and very little objectivity to be found. After all, everyone had their little preferences when it came to what made a good prank, even the Marauders abandoned their long-touted solidarity on this issue. Where Sirius admired elegance – a plan that required anything less than four hours of planning was sure to earn his derision – Remus preferred subtlety, enjoying nothing more than when a prank left students scratching their heads in confusion, aware that something fantastical had happened but unable to figure out just how or why. For James, he wanted something that was impossible to ignore, the greater the impact, the ‘bang’ if it were, the better. And Peter wanted nothing more than a giggle, favoring the kind of pranks the others had started to view as nostalgia items: dung bombs and whoopee cushions and really anything that could be managed after a trip to Zonko’s.

Shooting winning smiles their way, Lily looked like she was competing in a beauty pageant, one in which sheer charisma could give her the victory. James glowered every time one of these dazzling smiles was sent towards Peter. Not because he was jealous but because Peter really couldn’t be expected to remain impartial when the girl he fancied was looking so pretty. He had no idea if it was intentional, but James wouldn’t have put it past her.

Finally, the three judges finished with their assessments. They’d scored each prank on a scale of one to five, averaging their points to represent their varying opinions. The final tally was passed to the rest of the girls for inspection, each of them crowding around it with furrowed brows, the ties of their sleeping gowns trailing on the floor. Only after everyone had studied the piece of parchment was it passed back to Lily and James.

_ Week 1 _

  1. _Singing charm in Transfiguration: 4_
  2. _Thestral at breakfast: 5_
  3. _Balding potion. Target: James Potter: 3.33_
  4. _Ban on the word ‘class’ at the Lake Party: 3.67_
  5. _Blowing up Snape’s Potion (counts as 2): 10_
  6. _Itching powder in Slytherin Quidditch team’s robes: 3.33_
  7. _Moved the suits of armor on the 2 nd floor to block entry to the History of Magic classrooms: 1_
  8. _Replacing the 6 th year Gryffindor’s hangover cure with Vodka: 2.67_
  9. _Pumpkin juice shower: 3_


  * _Short-sheeting the Gryffindor boys: 1.33_



_ Week 2 _

  * _Setting Peeves on the staircase to cause mayhem & misery: 2.67_
  * _Marlene’s compliment button: 1.67_
  * _Mood ring charms: 4.33_
  * _Portrait of the Marauders outside the Great Hall: 4.67_
  * _Breaking into the Ravenclaw dormitory: 4.67_
  * _The Shrieking Shack: 2_
  * _Food fight: 4.33_
  * _Dungbomb outside Ravenclaw: 2.67_
  * _Gryffindor common room furniture prank: 1_
  * _Zonko’s fake wands for the Care of Magical Creatures class: 2.33_



_ Week 3 _

  1. _Truth or Dare pranks:_
    1. _Streaking :3.67_
    2. _Coughing during class: 2.67_
    3. _Love Poem to Binns (R.I.P.): 3.33_
  2. _Drew a penis on James’ face: 3.33_


  * _McGonagall’s ever-color-changing wardrobe: 4.33_
  * _Breaking into McGonagall’s rooms: 2.33_
  * _Missing day of the week prank: 4_
  * _Apple juice in the PepperUp potion: 3.33_
  * _The slam poetry show with Moaning Myrtle: 4.67_



_ Week 4 _

  * _Betting on Quidditch matches: 1.67_
  * _More Truth or Dare bets_
    1. _Pants the whole Gryffindor team: 3.67_
    2. _Bouquet of flowers that make you sneeze when you smell them: 2_
    3. _Steal all the books on ‘Enhancement charms’ (the subject of the 4 th years’ essay) from the library and deliver a ransom note: 3_
  * _Slughorn’s missing wine: 1.67_
  * _Mines that release a charm you when you step on them:4.33_
  * _Setting off Peeves: 5_
  * _Fake duel in the corridor between 2 nd years, causing much drama for the professors: 4.33_



Lily’s face darkened as she examined how her efforts had been assessed. In true fashion, she didn’t focus on the many fives that had been awarded her, but zeroed in on the pranks where the Marauders had given her ones across the board. Realizing it would be in his best interests to lie, James vowed that if Lily asked him, he would assure her that he would have given a much higher score had his opinion been solicited.

Noticing her less than pleased face, Remus felt compelled to add, “You did really well, Lily. Multiple fives means we were really impressed with your work.”

“You gave me three fives. And two ones,” Lily said coldly.

“B-but, you can’t really blame us for the ones,” Peter stuttered out, desperate to reenter her good graces. “The furniture prank and the suits of armor were really just cases where you moved things around. Anyone can do that. Just like all anyone had to do to fix it was move them back.”

“Why did my missing day of the week prank lose points?” Lily demanded, looking pointedly at Sirius. “That one was a coup. I got the professors to prank all of you! That has to count for something.”

“Don’t look at me, I gave you a five,” Sirius drawled.

“Same here,” Remus said.

Lily looked perfectly shocked. Considering how furious he’d been when he was tricked, James had expected that the lost points would have come from Sirius. Despite his temper, Sirius liked to play fair, however, and he could hardly deny that the prank had been clever and well-executed. Doing the math, James realized that if Remus and Sirius had both awarded Lily a five, that meant Peter must have given the prank a two.

Having come to the same conclusion, Lily rounded on Peter with eyebrows raised in accusation. Peter turned bright pink under her gaze and gasped out, “I thought the votes were supposed to be anonymous!”

“When did we say that?” Remus said at the same time Sirius said, “Have some conviction, man!”

It was uncharitable, but James thought he understood Peter’s faults enough to know exactly why he had graded such an interesting prank so poorly. Peter, trapped in the Hospital Wing, had been the only one of them who had been left out. Hardly a fair metric for grading, but pitiful enough that James wasn’t willing to call him on it.

“I gave you plenty of good scores where the others didn’t,” Peter said quickly. “Like I gave you a five for the balding potion and for the dungbomb outside Ravenclaw. If you averaged out the scores, I think Sirius actually gave you the fewest points.”

Sirius shot Peter a dirty look as Lily’s ire now turned on him. Since Sirius didn’t know about Peter’s crush on Lily, all he saw was another example of Peter being spineless.

“Don’t you scowl at me,” Sirius told Lily, who had pinched her mouth into such a tight line that James had begun to wonder whether she’d ever had lips to begin with. “I gave you ten perfect scores. Ten! And a five coming from me means a lot more than coming from any of these gits.”

“It’s true. He has high standards,” James murmured.

Had Lily been thinking more strategically, she would have hunted down the three Marauders now serving as judges immediately after she had agreed to the bet with James. Before they knew that there was a bet afoot and that they ought to stay silent for James’ sake, she could have asked all three of them what they found most impressive in a prank and tailored her efforts accordingly. To be fair, their tastes were so different that satisfying all of them would have been nearly impossible. Just as the scores reflected. Only in cases where Lily had caused a spectacle, like with the thestral incident, did they give her a perfect score across the board.

“Pranks weren’t the only criteria we’re judging off of,” Mary said, smoothly stepping in to end the battle of wills going on between Lily and the three who had dared to judge her as less than perfect. “Let’s move on to those, shall we?”

“We talked about doing a survey of the students before and after, right? To measure whether their mood had improved,” James said, wracking his brain because the details of the bet had kind of escaped him as he focused on his core responsibilities.

“…I did not remember to do that,” Lily admitted.

“Seems like a lot of work,” Alice said.

“Oh! And we were supposed to survey the professors to see if they thought things had improved on your end, too,” Lily said.

No one spoke as they tried to decide how to move forward. There would be no fair determination of student mood from the beginning of the month to the end as Lily hadn’t conducted the initial surveys for comparison purposes. Yet, James had no idea how they were supposed to measure the impact of her pranks on school morale without actually talking to students. It wasn’t like they could just guess.

It was Shelia who alighted upon the idea, announcing that rather than the whole school, they could settle for the Gryffindors. They would ask each Gryffindor two questions: On a scale of one to ten, how happy were you at the end of September? And on a scale of one to ten, how happy are you now? Even though it was nearly one in the morning, the group of Gryffindors all dispersed to go harass their sleeping housemates. For reasons of impartiality, James and Lily were left behind alone in the common room.

James had always been struck by the way the Common Room transformed during the nighttime hours. All of the warmth and color was sucked up when the torches were put out, the room reliant on the glow of fire to cast red shadows over the room. Without, the room lost its sense of familiarity; it could have been any room, in any castle. It didn’t matter though when he was sitting beside Lily. Any room, in any castle would do just fine.

Smiling shyly, Lily said, “They’re all taking this very seriously, aren’t they?”

“Yeah, you’d think they would have followed our laid-back example,” James joked, earning a soft laugh from Lily. Everything about the dim room, now empty of their friends, encouraged quiet.

The impact of Shelia rejoining the group lingered between them. At another time, James would have been hesitant to raise the subject as Lily was known to become flighty, or rather, hard to nail down when it came to unpleasant subjects that she didn’t like to discuss. Everything was different now, though. They had grown together, bared themselves to each other. When Lily had let him see her vulnerability earlier that evening, it hadn’t been because she was having a breakdown like in the past. It had been a decision on her part to invite him in fully. There were still going to be times when James asked Lily questions that she didn’t like to answer, invaded areas of her life that she would have preferred to deny and keep private, but that was no longer a forbidden thing. They would know each other – truly and fully – or their whole relationship would be meaningless.

So, empowered by all that they had become, James asked, “How do you feel about Shelia? It’s a bit weird.”

Lily tensed up for half a moment, but then the strain disappeared and she relaxed into him, so that her shoulder was nestled into his side. Obligingly, he wrapped his arm around the back of her chair so that he could secure her to him more fully.

“A bit,” Lily said in dry agreement, “I mean…I don’t know. After she stood up to Nott, I kind of expected she’d come crawling back.”

“Are you going to make her crawl?” James questioned.

“Do you think I’m that cruel?” Lily countered.

James deliberated for a moment, measuring his words in an unusual display of consideration before answering. “No, but I think she really hurt you, and sometimes when you’re hurt, you lash out. No one could possibly blame you in these circumstances.”

James’ experience of Lily’s ire was that she became cold and distant, but that after a few weeks she began to thaw even if nothing had changed. He’d witnessed the manifestation of her anger towards Alice and then, the ensuing path to forgiveness. Likewise, he’d watched her allow Snape back into her life even though he had done nothing to deserve absolution, seemingly because she was unable to remain angry at him for too long. Not much time had passed since Shelia’s betrayal, so it would make sense if she wasn’t ready to contemplate forgiveness. Inversely, however, Lily had appeared to break the pattern with Shelia, never hitting the point where she wanted to retaliate against her former friend. It made it difficult to guess where Lily’s mind now laid.

“Hmm, I don’t know,” Lily hummed. “Seems to me that she’s already been punished plenty. Right or wrong, she cared a lot about Nott, and she lost him because she chose to do the right thing. I don’t see why I should continue to contribute to that.”

“So you two are going to be friends again?”

“I didn’t say that.”

James raised an eyebrow to challenge her seemingly contradictory statement. Curled into his side, Lily had craned her neck up so that she could still look at him as they talked and so she caught his doubtful expression. Rather than grow irritated, Lily stuck her tongue out at him.

“I’m not going to go out of my way to get back at her,” Lily explained. “But that doesn’t mean I’ll just invite her back into my life either. Maybe someday, if I think she’s truly changed, but for all I know this will become an issue again tomorrow, and I’m not willing to go through this – the jealousy and accusations and her always putting a boy before me – twice.”

James beamed. “I’m proud of you.”

“Stop saying that every time I do or say something mature. It’s starting to sound condescending,” Lily groaned.

“I can’t help it. You’ve come so far in such a short time,” James crowed.

“Okay, _Dad_ ,” Lily grumbled.

James retched and he was only half pretending. “Evans! Don’t ever say anything like that again.”

“What? You don’t want me to call you Dad?” Lily’s eyes had taken on a malicious gleam that made James’ stomach flip with anxiety.

“There will be no parent comparisons, nicknames or jokes of any kind,” James said, and ironically, in his sternness, he resembled Mr. Evans more than he ever had before.

“So you want me to say you’re the opposite of my dad in every way?” Lily concluded.

“Yes.”

“Well, my dad is a good man. What does that make you?”

James was already leaning down for a kiss when he answered, “As bad as they come.”

Lily drew him into a deep and lingering kiss. She smelled dusky and strong, which was somehow even better than when she smelled of sweetness and flowers. He felt swallowed whole by her. Hot and urgent, where he could feel his instincts taking control. If he wasn’t careful, he was going to want her all over again; and it was far too late and they were far too busy for any of that. Though they had decided they weren’t going to classes tomorrow…which meant they could sleep in as long as necessary.

James made to wind his arms more tightly around her, to draw her in against his body, when Lily pulled away of her own accord. Although she didn’t look nearly as overcome as James imagined he did, her lips were red and tender.

“Will you promise me something?” Lily asked.

Gone from her voice was the vulnerability of the rest of the evening. This was the Lily he’d always known. Proud and sure in her convictions. She asked and she expected her requests to be heeded. Yet knowing that all of that gentleness existed under her cool exterior, James knew that she was ready to compromise just like he was. If she asked so firmly, it was because she imagined he would agree with her requests. When it came to true conflict, she would be ready to meet him halfway.

James nodded to indicate that he was willing to listen.

“No matter what the result is, of the bet I mean, we can’t let it affect how we feel about each other for a second,” Lily said earnestly.

James couldn’t help but laugh. “Worried that I’ll turn into a pompous arse the second I win one over on you?”

“More like I don’t trust myself,” Lily admitted.

“To not rub it in?”

“To not hate you for beating me,” Lily said, having the good sense to look ashamed of her competitive nature.

“How about this: as far as I’m concerned, you’re the winner. It doesn’t matter what the others say,” James offered. To a degree he was just trying to ward off the possibility of her snapping at a possible defeat, but it was more that he actually believed it. If he and his friends were in the habit of declaring outsiders honorary Marauders (they weren’t), he would have bestowed the title upon her in a heartbeat.

Lily gave a half-shrug, one that said she knew he was just trying to placate her but was pleased by it all the same.

“After all, the bet was to prove that you could be me, and no one can deny that you didn’t do a damn good job of it. You even learned more about your handsome subject by getting into the field and doing some up close and personal research. Very well done,” James added.

“For what it’s worth, I think you deserve to win,” Lily confessed. “You worked so hard, and you’re such a natural leader. Everyone loves you. You were a perfect Lily Evans and then some.”

“Nah, Lily Evans has way better tits than me,” James snickered, waving off her compliments.

“You make up for it in other areas,” Lily said without missing a beat.

“You know...we never did make this bet interesting. Seems to me that the winner deserves a reward,” James said.

“Does it now? And would those rewards happen to look awfully similar to an apology?” Lily asked, casting back to the way he’d showed her how very sorry he was by making her thighs vibrate and tense. She didn’t sound like she minded the idea at all.

She was too clever by half. So clever in fact, that he couldn’t help but lean forward and kiss the smile right off her lips.

They were still kissing – the kind of kisses that were short and sweet and left his mouth tingling – when their friends started to trickle back into the Common Room. Their plan to divide and conquer had been a success, their interviews of all the Gryffindors lasting less than twenty minutes. All that was left to do was consolidate the data, which Mary set to without preamble. The only interruption came when Mary rested her chin, in a familiar pose, on Marlene’s shoulder to better see the results Marlene had gathered from the Gryffindor third years. The sensation of Mary’s breath beating against her ear proved too startling for Marlene who flung the papers she was holding into the air and then had to search around for several moments to reassemble them. Either Lily got a speck of dust caught in her eye during the clusterfuck or she deliberately winked in Marlene’s direction.

“So the results show a twenty-nine percent increase in self-reported good spirits since the end of September,” Mary announced.

Lily thrust her hands into the air and cheered like she might at a Quidditch match. In a feat of self-restraint, she managed to stop short of laughing in James’ face, but he could feel her jubilance all the same.

“But!” Mary held up a hand to quell Lily’s celebration, “A few adjustments need to be made. First, we need to compensate upward for the six students who gave a decrease of five hundred percent solely, they say, because they hated being woken up by us in the middle of the night.”

“Margaret Hutchens does not take well to anything that interrupts her beauty sleep. Not that there’s much beauty to be found,” Alice, the one who had interviewed the sixth year girls, interjected.

“Then, we need to add points for the four Gryffindors who experienced breakups this month, affecting their scores. Likewise, we need to take away a few points. From follow-up questions, it looks like nine students started dating someone new this month, which unfairly affected their assessment,” Mary continued.

Scratching her head, Shelia said, “Nine new couples? I can only name seven.”

As the verified gossip hounds of the group, Marlene and Peter both turned to Shelia to fill her in on all the new romantic entanglements of Hogwarts. It was a telling moment as Marlene had been doing her utmost to pretend Shelia didn’t exist for most of the night. Already, however, her resolve was weakening and it was hard to tell in her demeanor whether she even remembered that she was furious with her former friend.

“Keep in mind,” Mary began again, once the talking had died off, “that this number isn’t perfect. People’s memories of their mood in September may be inaccurate. Further, it doesn’t account at all for the possibility that some students may prefer October over September in general –”

“Who would prefer the second month of school over the first?” Alice demanded.

Mary shrugged as if to say anything was possible. She opened her mouth to speak but was again cut off, this time by Remus, who said, “Wait! We’ve forgotten to poll ourselves.”

“He has a point. We are Gryffindors,” Marlene agreed.

No one argued about objectivity as they were well past that. The bet had transformed into a sacred thing and none of them would taint it by cheating. They were all judges yes, but it was the results that would decide.

Hastily, James scribbled down his rating. James felt dissatisfied as he studied his answer. At the start of the month, he’d been perfectly happy. Rating his disposition then as anything lower than a mere four would feel disingenuous. To say his mood had only increased twenty-five percent, however, was outrageous. In the past month, he’d managed to score the girl of his dreams, finding out that his imagination was weak and that Lily Evans was one hundred times better than he’d ever envisioned in the process. An accurate assessment would be to say he broke the scale.

Curious, James peered down at Lily’s answer, which she tilted so that he could read it more easily. She’d written that she had ended September at a two and had gotten to a five like him. James swallowed heavily at her implicit admission that he had brought her so much happiness.

“I hadn’t known that you were so unhappy,” James whispered, hoping that the others were too distracted to overhear.

“I think I’d forgotten what true happiness felt like,” Lily whispered back.

A sense of intuition, so overwhelming it bordered on prophecy, soared through him. He knew as well as he knew his own name that he was going to marry Lily once they left Hogwarts. Marry her and spend the rest of their lives as the source of her happiness. Overcome, he wished everyone would clear out so that he and Lily could be alone together again. The only thing that kept him rooted and his mouth shut was Lily’s hand in his.

“Okay, all said, it looks like there was a fourteen percent increase in mood in the last month, which could be attributable to Lily’s efforts to brighten up Hogwarts,” Mary calculated.

It was no twenty-nine percent, but on the whole something to celebrate. Lily smiled, lost in her satisfied thoughts, and her smile was so contagious that James smiled too.

The deciding committee didn’t take long after that to come to a conclusion. They only deliberated in hushed whispers for a few minutes before they turned back to James and Lily, both tense with anticipation.

“We want to start by saying you both did an amazing job,” Shelia said.

“James, you were positively inspiring in the way you stepped up to your responsibilities,” Marlene said.

“The perfect blend between attention to your studies and your Head duties. What I appreciated most was the way you never lost sight of your individuality in doing so, but stayed true to the James Potter we’ve always known. Just upgraded,” Mary added.

And then from Alice, “Honestly, Potter, I had no idea you had it in you.”

James nodded along with faux modesty to their praise.

“And now, Lily,” Remus said, “You succeeded in brightening the mood of Hogwarts, all while never calling attention to yourself.”

“You displayed a diabolicalness I never would have guessed at,” Sirius said. “Through your pranks you showed that you’re clever– ”

“– Hardworking –” said Remus.

“– and fun!” chimed in Peter. “You pulled off as many cool pranks in a month as we normally do in a year, and some of them were genius.”

“But there can only be one winner, right?” Lily said, guessing where all the lead up was headed.

Peter nodded solemnly. “There can only be one winner.”

“Just come out with it then,” James ordered.

He shifted so that he could bring Lily close again. The promise they’d made each other to not let the results matter, settled front of his mind. They were living in a blessed time, the nine of them, all connected and shielded from the worst of the world outside. James doubted he would ever experience anything quite so magical again.

A heartbeat.

An intake of breath.

“And the winner is –”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are the end. I'll post the epilogue next week earlier than Friday with notes for the end. Let me know what you all thought!


	56. Epilogue

**The Epilogue**

Seventeen was a funny age. An age where a war could be brewing right outside your window, banging on your door and leaving graffiti on your porch steps, and you’d still spend most of your time thinking about love. There was so much pressure to find your soulmate. To find that one person who was going to face the great unknown with you.

And that’s what the Gryffindor class of 1977 were heading toward once the year ended: the unknown.

There were many things that they didn’t – couldn’t – understand at such a young age, like how Preston Nott would manage to never face serious consequences for his behavior at school or more significantly, how a person became so sadistic in the first place. They wouldn’t understand why, as the year progressed, Professor Slughorn became increasingly agitated, dropping phials of invaluable ingredients and overturning cauldrons as he navigated the rows of desks with his considerable bulk. Equally mysterious to them would be the change that occurred one day when Regulus Black refused to speak to his brother at breakfast, a freeze-out that would last long after the younger boy had forgotten why it started and long after he’d grown tired of the effort of resenting his brother.

On the day that Professor Dumbledore entered the Great Hall after a trip that took him away from the school for a whole month and with a beard that stretched to his chin, James would ask what had inspired the return, thinking that perhaps in this there at last would be easy answers. Alas, even when it came to facial hair nothing was ever simple, and Dumbledore would reply enigmatically that even as some things changed, he was always surprised by how little we could deny our inherent nature or the role we were designated to play.

So maybe they couldn’t predict what would happen, but the shadows would seem a little less ominous with someone to lean on And for some of them, that person was already sitting right beside them. Others would have to be brave, be brave and learn that they didn’t need a hand to hold to face the monsters in the real world. And worse, the monsters inside of themselves.

Crowing with victory, Lily would discover that all of her interference with Albert Albertson had created a vibrant if somewhat excitable young man, the kind who could capture the attention of a girl like Dorcas Meadowes. James Potter would spend months covering his ears as his girlfriend loudly boasted to anyone who would listen that she was a natural matchmaker and the one responsible for all their happiness.

By the end of the year, Shelia Marks would learn that she had already met the love(s) of her life. They were the four girls with whom she’d shared a dormitory for her entire adolescent life. The girls who never gave more than a passing glance to her pretty face, who always had chocolate on hand, and never asked her for anything they knew she wasn’t ready to give.

Boys like Preston Nott could make her feel wonderful about herself, make her glow like she’d swallowed a candle, but that wasn’t lasting. A candle flame could be snuffed out by the barest hint of a passing wind. At the end of the day, there was only one choice and it wasn’t Preston Nott.

Shelia hadn’t met her soulmate yet, but she would.

She’d marry twice – the first time to a boy who made her feel like a shooting star, complete with the fall and the second to a steady, thoughtful man with whom she would share a life. They would go on to have four children, countless memories, and a love that was as quiet as it was true.

Alice Williams hadn’t yet met her soulmate either. He, however, was right around the corner. On her very first day in the Auror training program, Alice would meet a senior auror who made fart jokes and drank whiskey. A man who had no time for sappy romance, so driven was he by his singular mission to defend what was right.

There would be no sudden realizations that big, showy romances were the content of the secret yearnings of her heart. There would be no fairytale weddings. But there would be a partnership, a son, a shared name, and a shared life mission. Alice Williams would find love.

And it would not be a short love either. For in a ward together at St. Mungo’s with an altered perspective on reality, the kind that could only result from the bare exposure to the truest horrors of war and cruelty, Alice and Frank Longbottom would still be together. They wouldn’t need to understand and relate to the world around them in order to continue right on loving each other. Even if no one else would ever understand that.

War would not be kind to the love between Remus Lupin and Dahlia Reynolds. They were not each other’s great loves. But Remus would find it far in the future. Not necessarily in his wife.

He would love a woman with many names – Nymphadora, Dora, Tonks. She would be in a comfort in a time when the newly found hope that he’d so long dreamt of had been ripped away from him once more.

Yes, he would love her. But there would always be a niggling doubt in the back of his mind that their relationship was somehow wrong. That they were built on the shaky foundation of war when love was meant to be planted in a garden of flowers.

His great love would weigh eighty-eight ounces and have a shock of ever-changing hair. In a son that he only knew for a brief time, Remus would experience a love that made him whole – that mended the scars that tore his body and the fears that had carved fissures into his heart.

Some people, like Marlene McKinnon, had already met their soulmate.

She was already well-acquainted with the great love of her life; it just wasn’t Sirius Black. He had many great qualities, but Sirius just never learned to give, not when it came to Marlene. No one amongst the broader student population would be surprised when they broke up five weeks before Winter Hols. No, the only shock would be that it was Marlene that did the chucking, finally realizing that she didn’t need validation from anyone. Least of all someone who took her for granted.

There’d be bitterness and awkwardness on both sides as they fought their way back to friendship, but Sirius Black was never meant to be Marlene McKinnon’s one and only.

No, her great love had always been right beside her, a reassuring presence from the day she was eleven years old. She wouldn’t wake up one day and know without a doubt that she’d fallen in love with her best friend. It wouldn’t be anything as sudden as that. But before the school year was over, Marlene McKinnon would kiss Mary MacDonald in the Charms corridor, and she’d know that she’d found her home and was never turning back.

While there were few songs written about it, few odes in celebration of second loves, there were some people who were destined for two soulmates. Mary MacDonald was one such person.

Years later, people would ask Mary what it was like to only have Marlene for two years, and she would laugh in their faces. They’d shared nine years. Nine wonderful years. Maybe only two had been spent in the romantic sense, but every single one had been filled with love.

Losing Marlene would feel like losing everything. It would take years for Mary to repair her heart. Years to learn who she was when she didn’t have that one person to protect, to orient herself around.

But in a smoky dive bar in muggle England, she would reconnect with Eliza Greenberg – the Gryffindor seeker. They’d talk about memories from Hogwarts and wizarding politics, and Mary would find that destiny could be monstrously cruel, but it was frequently, unexpectedly kind.

They would marry four years later and live a life filled with passion and peace, and Marlene would always be in her heart, but Eliza’s name would always be on her lips.

For Sirius Black, there would be no great love at all. Perhaps in a different world he would have found one. He had learned his lesson with Marlene. Learned to open his heart if only in increments, learned to cherish those he loved. But there would be war and grief and endless fighting, and he would never get a chance to meet someone with whom he could prove it.

Truthfully, he’d already met his soulmate. His soulmate was a boy with glasses and messy hair and a joke always on the tip of his tongue. He’d know that any love he ever felt beyond that was just a bonus. Sometimes a platonic love was even more powerful than the big one.

And then there was one love, one great love that would save the world as they all knew it.

James would tell Lily he loved her by Christmas. She’d think he was joking until Valentine’s Day when she realized that she loved him too. He’d propose a total of 37 times before she said yes. (But only because she wanted the number to match how many times he asked her out in the first place. She’d been planning to agree all along, and he’d known it.)

Not a week would go by where they didn’t argue about something. Their temperaments were too different to allow for anything else, but they would never purposefully hurt one another. They’d curb their words and their wicked tempers and strive every day to be a home for the person they’d chosen above all others. The person that it seemed fate had chosen for them.

They would never feel lonely. James would remain a show-off as it was in his nature, but he would no longer demand all eyes on him, no longer need the admiration of strangers to feel validated. Lily would learn with time not to doubt that she was enough, to never worry that she had to hide her truth to be valued.

They would love one another completely and totally, and they would die confident that their love was returned.

James and Lily would die young. They would die heroes. And they would die having lived.

If you asked them, it really wasn’t much of a tragedy at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s all, folks, I say glibly like I’m not crying inside. This is going to be a lengthy author’s note, but please bear with me.
> 
> First off, I want to just speak to the fact that this has been an incredible journey for me. I know how easy it is to abandon fanfic, both from personal experience and from being a longtime reader. There was something special about this story and this OTP though, that told me from the start that this would be different. I learned a lot about myself, about writing (which is blatantly obvious if you compare the early chapters to the later ones lol), and about discipline. It was an incredibly rewarding experience on an intrinsic level.
> 
> And that’s all before I touch on what a wonderful thing it was to share this story with the people who stuck it out with me. Knowing anyone liked it enough to read was, of course, gratifying. More so, I adore every person who took the time to review. I feel strongly that fandom is a collaboration between creators & readers, and the people, like you, who review and give feedback, help keep this little fandom alive. So, I want to thank you all on so many levels. First, as a reader, because you’re the people who keep authors writing, and as a reader myself, that’s obviously something that should be encouraged. Second, because you made this story so fun for me! I like to think I would have kept writing regardless of whether I ever received a single review, but I honestly can’t say for sure.
> 
> You were all ridiculously good to me and to this story. A special thank you to all of the guest reviewers, who I could never thank in person, but still took the time to review. You’re all wonderful! And, I’ve thanked the rest of you several times over, but thank you again! You’re all fantastic.
> 
> I’d, of course, love reviews on the epilogue, but I’d also ask that if anyone has the time, that you also go to a survey I created on the story. I know it’s a strange request, but I want to become more aware of my flaws & strengths as a writer as I prepare myself for my 2nd story, and your feedback on a few areas I’ve wondered about, could help enormously. It’s super short, too, so it shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes max! The survey can be found here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/XKNL27B.
> 
> Lastly, I encourage anyone who is interested in the one-shots and my follow-up story to follow for updates. I’ll probably post 1-2 one shots in March, and I’ve plotted as far out as chapter 21 in my follow up story, which I think is going to be a wild ride, so you can expect that in Q2 of 2017.
> 
> Thank you thank you thank you!


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